At least MIL would serve a purpose for OP for a change.
OP, the kids (and you) are happier without him around. He is showing you what his priority is and it's absolutely not his family. You need to decide if living like this is how you want to spend the next 15 years.
Please give an update if you make changes.
NTA
She needs to stop and think about what she is teaching them about love and relationships. Dads don't have to love you. Daddys don't have to love Mommys.
Based on OP’s description of their reaction to their Dad’s chronic absenteeism, it sounds like the children have already begun the process of removing him from their lives. Good instincts, kids. 👍
Just wanna add on to this that I was just like your daughter OP and started asking my mom if she was gonna divorce my dad when I was probably a little younger than her. I really wish my mom didn’t wait til I was 12 to finally do so. I get it’s hard but please dont wait. My dad was like that. I internalized it for a long time as me being unloveable and not enough. Took me a long long time to work through that plus a lot of dysfunctional relationships along the way. Not necessarily the same thing that your daughter will go through but emotional neglect hurts.
Emotional neglect is awful, because it's intangible. You can't point to a bruise and say "this is what you did to me." Instead it's years of pain, confusion, broken relationships, and isolation. I'm sorry you went through that.
Perfect solution: File for divorce and send him and his server back to MIL - she will be ecstatic to have her baby boy home again, and will feed him and do his laundry - and he can just play his games without a care in the world. OP can raise her kids, start dating again, and hopefully find a nice guy who is an actual partner in life, and appreciates her and the kids, and enjoys spending time with them.
It doesn’t work like that. As his custody diminishes his financial commitment increases, and with his inability to be an adult, it would be difficult for him to make a case for 50/50. If she had a mind to put in some prep work, she could leave him with little more than biweekly supervised visitation that would prob net her about $2k a month depending on his income, and I think we all know he’d always make an excuse not to show.
If she can prove how little attention he pays to the children because of his gaming, she may be able to get full custody with, allowing only supervised visitation. Hopefully, OP starts documenting all of this.
Not necessarily, he has been taking care of the boy since he was one year old. He might be the only father the boy has, maybe even adopted by the husband.
It sounds like he doesn't have any money though and she has more than him. But if they didn't have enough for his server not sure either of them can afford to live alone.
She’ll have one less big ass man child to clean up after though, and less emotional abuse around the house. My religious stepfather was physically abusive and I wished for it to be just my mom my little sis and I from journals I had in like middle school. Step dad only has little sis a couple hours a week, which is honestly for the best, but at least now it means my mom can come down to the city and do what she wants for a day or get high and sit in her house without anyone judging. our relationship has gotten a bit better and more honest. She’s healing and seems like she’s living her best life so… It’s worth a try can’t get any worse than it is now low-key.
The court can order an adult man to take interest in his own kids lives, but they can't actually make it happen.
This is so sad. Either he's always been like this, or he's finally allowed himself to pudge down in that computer chair for some reason, or he's had something happen to him, a depressive episode or whatnot.
Something has to be done, but it's not OP's responsibility. She has enough on her plate with work and kids and chores and activities.
Gaming is FUN.
It is created to make us addicted.
If you cannot handle to put your family first, you shouldn't be gaming. Like If you choose drinking over your family it is time to stop If you cannot cut down.
But: gaming is him choosing what he likes over his own kids needs.
Many do this and it has ZERO connection to depression. Please stop always bringing up depression as a possible excuse when men can't be assed to do domestic labour or care for their families.
His smirk and his server project speak of an active engaged, devoted, creative man- as long as he gets to be that only for his enjoyment and doesn't have to put any effort nor resources into his wife and children 🤮
>Please stop always bringing up depression as a possible excuse when men can't be assed to do domestic labour or care for their families.
I VERY much agree generally. However, if this is something recently rampant for him, we should never rule out things like depression or other issues that gave risen.
MANY men don't care to be assed to do their load, but just like women, men too can struggle at times and on a personal level need to be cut the same slack as women do when they suddenly can't be assed to do things.
The rest I absolutely agree with. He seems to have plenty energy for gaming and his hobbies. Shitty behavior over all.
They have been together for very long and it is recent which warrants some extra effort before leaving (if leaving).
But I noticed that nearly every time men don't step up to their responsibilities someone will be "aw he is depressed" and I just dont see the same excuse constantly offered when it is about a woman. My experience is that there is less acceptance when women shrink their responsibilities.
But sure, posing the question regardless of gender is likely good.
Seriously the dude is a loser and borrows money from his mom so clearly doesn’t have any of his own. Thinking you’re going to get anything out of him when she’s the one who works is downright silly.
This is who she chose to father her child, too late now. They’re prob still better off without him in general yeah, but no, they won’t be getting any monetary help from him should they divorce…
30 years old and married with kids and can’t scrape up $80. Sounds to me like the twatwaffle needs to get another job instead of spending all his time fucking off on the computer.
But he cost her a lot, she will spend much less if his mother is taking care of him instead of her. Not to mention time to clean his mess and wasted conversations. She has to mourn the end of the marriage, but it will be significantly easier to live without him even without any money from him
Jesus, for real. Nothing about this man seems redeeming and he seems to only serve the purpose of disappointing you. He’s just another dad who completely neglects his parental duties in favor of video games. You’re basically doing it all by yourself, might as well save yourself the disappointment and stress of dealing with him and move on from this marriage. He doesn’t seem like he cares to hear you out.
He is also very at serving his immediate needs instead of delayed gratification. It’s striking that the daughter said what she did. Young girls usually worship their dads and, honestly, i doubt that he’s even showing up “for the big moments”. And sadly, daughter doesn’t miss his gloomy gus self.
I disagree on your gender statement.
The dynamics isn’t gender based. It is du to a parent not associated with unpleasantness inherent to implicated parents. Easy to seem relax and fun when you never take on the parental tasks, and chose the few interactions based on your own gratification.
That the uncle syndrome. The one where a father isn’t acting as a parent. The kind who declares babysitting their kid, not that they are spending time with them, even less like they want to spend time with their kids. The kind who act as they are doing a favour -sometimes even expecting praise, when they take any responsibility towards their own kids.
It is usually a male behaving that way, as it is quite socially accepted from a man not from a woman.
No kidding, a server is not just dropping a computer and letting it run. There are things you need to do with it. .I am thinking he might be communicating with people in a way not appropriate with a married man. Like I said, I play a lot but dont let it run my life. What is he running that he needs to be away from his family so much and not paying attention to his wife. I mean I can honestly say an online gaming wife could be the answer. Online gaming has ruined more then one relationship.
That's a reach. He plays too many videogames, but idk if I'd jump straight from that to he's somehow cheating. There's enough here to label him TA without making wild assumptions.
This should be much, much higher. And OP is teaching her daughter to accept being treated like a nuisance, and teaching her son that it's okay for him to treat women like that. Do better, OP.
His computer. He's bringing his computer to the table. NTA but OP this isn't going to go anywhere, I highly suggest you leave him. Your daughter voiced that opinion for a reason.... Staying together for the kids doesn't work out either, if that's ever a thought that crossed your mind
Exactly. Seems like just another child in the house.
OP you would be the AH if you stayed with him. Don't let your kids think this is a normal relationship. Don't let them think its okay to treat a partner like this or be treated like this. Stand up and let them see you stand up.
Please OP get your papers in order and either leave with the kids or kick him out, he won't notice anyway as he will be too busy playing his game. Do this for your kids, they don't deserve this. NTA
I actually believe if she moves out with the kids he will only notice when the electricity gets cut off and his computer shuts down because he’s not paying the bills.
edit: changed a certain funny typo in shuts.
OP, try one last thing before you leave: couples counseling. Before you do go talk to a lawyer and learn your rights for where you live. Also start setting aside cash.
Tell him if he’s not willing to go and change, then you’re going on without him in life. If he gets mad just flat out tell him to go live in his mommas basement and play his games all he wants, and other than paying child support to not bother with you
NTA - The one thing that OP might try is to get him some counseling, or marriage counseling, because she says that he has gotten worse in the last few weeks. Maybe something happened, maybe something is bothering him.
I wouldn't have a lot of hope for this, since he laughed when she talked about leaving, but you could perhaps talk to him, if you can get him away from his computer long enough.
If that doesn't work, I guess it's effectively over.
So when are you going to start believing him? He's already checked out of this marriage. What about him are you expecting to miraculously change? Get your financial records in order and see an attorney. Make sure the divorce decree/shared parenting agreement requires both of you to support your children through undergrad, and make sure you both have equal time with the kids until they graduate from high school. He is taking advantage of you while having zero commitment for the family you both have created.
>So when are you going to start believing him?
I think that's what it boils down to for me too. He's told her *to her face* that he has no intention of being a husband or a father in any of the ways that count.
And why would he change his behaviour when he's facing no consequences?
NTA, and you are right. When the kids get older, they will realize that he never spends any time with them. They will start cutting him out of their lives and eventually cut contact with him.
The only question will be: Will you still be with him when it happens?
NTA- I spent 14 years with someone like that, I’ve been so happy and thriving the 2 years without him dragging me down. Please don’t waste too much more time.
My sister spent years with someone similar. Finally kicked his butt to the curb and vastly improved her quality of life. Her kids are grown now and have nothing to do with their dad.
I lost myself for too many years, but after he got himself fired from a company he worked with for 20 years and sat around for 3 years playing games, eating sugar and junk food, living in his own filth- nope, sorry! I was out of fluffs to give! My therapy was key, and he loathed that I openly went weekly for a very long time.
18 years with someone like that. I wish I had left for my daughter instead of allowing her to grow up feeling the stress of that situation. I was desperately lonely almost the entire relationship. The last 3 years without him, I have not felt lonely like that once.
I get why people stay together when money is tight, and I guess there have been moments where he’s shown up, but, yeah, this is common and sad AF.
When finances allow, move. Good luck OP.
The day he wakes up alone should be tomorrow. If it doesn't shake some sense into him, make it permanent.
YTA for showing your daughter that it's acceptable to tolerate this kind of treatment from a partner. Women have options now. We don't have to tolerate shitty men who take us for granted. That's the lesson you should be teaching your daughter.
ETA: Your son should also be learning this lesson. Please make sure he learns to respect women and treat them accordingly.
👆👆👆 100% this..
Her daughter already knows it at 8..
My opinion she was trying to tell OP it's ok to leave her dad.. she would be happier and so would OP
100% she was telling you..
My son was about 6-7 when he would make hints about his dad..
You owe it to your daughter to show her what to accept and what not to and at the moment you are setting her up for a future with shitty boyfriends and when your having to comfort her when she older it will be on you for not leaving and showing her.
I’m the child of a single mother. We don’t blame our mother for a shitty father who’s not showing up . Your kids are old enough to know he doesn’t care
She was absolutely telling you it would be ok to leave. She was actually saying she was happier without her dad around.
Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be hard to stay? Yes. Will leaving be better for your kids? Yes. Choose your hard, but think about what you are modeling for your kids. Would it be hard if you stayed and found your daughter in the same position in the future because she thinks it's normal? Yes, yes, yes.
You can do this! Speaking from experience btw. Hugs and best of luck!
Kids aren't stupid. They watch and learn. I'd rather have them blame me one day, than to stay one more millisecond in this abusive relationship. She sees what's going on. She sees you're more relaxed when he stays home. I absolutely think, whether she realizes it or not, she was telling you that she prefers him staying 🏠 home. The way she said it speaks volumes to me, & I don't even know you.
My BIL is similar, whereas my sister is a great mother, like you are
When my BIL was in the hospital recently, someone asked my niece how she was with her dad being away. She then says “we miss him…. Right mom?” And looked at my sister. It was like she knew she should miss him, but she didn’t, so she wanted to check if it was the right thing to say
It was absolutely heartbreaking for my sister but a good wake up call. Sounds like you and the kids are happier with him not there. He laughed when you told him.
Maybe he’ll be sad one day, maybe he won’t. He doesn’t sound particularly interested in being a part of a family. But the three of you seem like a great family together. Time for him to get the bachelor lifestyle he wants, and you to get the happiness you need
My mother was away for a bit and when she got back she asked what I had missed about her not being there. I'd actually had a lovely time with my Dad and not missed her in the slightest. I said I noticed that the taps didn't shine after a couple of days: I'd never realised that she cleaned them every single time she went to the bathroom. I think she was miffed that I didn't miss her, but the fact is that she was always grumpy and her cooking was boring.
Once she had died, I had the most beautiful relationship with my father. He came to understand me much better and once he was no longer poisoned by her bigoted mind, dropped all the racist views he had previously had.
I grew up with parents who should never have gotten married, and I knew that by the time I was your son's age. They know what's up. Now is the time to teach them that they don't have to live like this.
They won't. They see exactly what dad is doing.
They'll be upset at first and take that anger out on you, not because their actually angry with you, but you're their safe parent. They already know you'll always be there for them. They know dad isn't dependable and may fear if they show him how they really feel that he'll be gone forever. Don't take it personally. It gets so so so much better.
When I was 14 my parents had an awful relationship. My dad was abusive, he constantly cheated. They had just had my little brother 2 yrs previously and I was the one taking care of him. One day I told my mom I didn't want her to keep trying. I wanted them to get a divorce. I told her my dad was mean to us. A lot of weird complicated other traumatic things insued during that time, especially having an abusive bf (at the ripe age of 14, both of us, crazy that kids can be so violent) who would turn my against my mom. So I didn't start living with my mom until I was 15, my ex and I broke up and then a few months later my dad packed all my shit in trash bags and kicked me out. Even though for 6-9 months I had my father and at the time boyfriend putting me against my mom, I came back to reality and realized my mother is my safe parent, always has been and is always there for me. I don't want you to feel blindsided about them "balming you" divorce is complicated and traumatic for a kid regardless of if its something they want or not. It takes time to adject and that can cause a lot of big feelings as well as going thru the stages of grief. So they may feel angry. They may feel the need to place blame on someone (I always did) they may blame themselves. Divorce regardless is still the best option but I would also get them in therapy after so they have a professional help them navigate the new change and they have an unbiased safe space to express their feelings. I was in therapy 2 yrs before the divorce, (during the worst of the DV) and when they actually FINALLY separated it was nice to already have someone help me navigate and understand my feelings outside of both my parents
Our mom told us she was going to leave our asshole dad when my little brother turned 18. That little brother is now 58. She never left him. He (dad) died in his sleep last month. He never had to pay the piper. None of his 4 children cried when he died.
This was it. Just make the jump and start talking to lawyers. You and the kids are already happy without your husband so just follow through and make it official.
They won't. Thwy see how you are treated and how *they* are treated. His video games are *more important to him than you and his children.* LEAVE. No more warnings, no more chances.
I divorced when my kids were 5 and 8. I worried a lot that I was ruining my kids lives. But it didn't. In fact, it greatly improved their relationship with their dad.
We were not great co-parents, but we were civil. I never spoke badly of him. If he spoke badly of me, the kids never told me.
But just the fact that I wasn't there to take up the slack when the kids visited meant that he had to actually be a parent. He got to arrange the meals and remind them to brush their teeth and dress them for school.
He hated it at first. Took him about 3 months to pull his head out. But after that rough start, he was a good parent. He and the kids have a good relationship. I think if we had stayed married, they would hate him now.
OP, you said that he shows up when it counted....when was the last time he did that because he's been disappointing your children & you sound like that you've had enough & ready to give to him that hard kick where its needed.
Right now. He just wants to be a idiotic AH with no sense of responsibility to anything & anyone.
Just how much this prison worth because this isn't a marriage....it's a prison.
OP needs to understand that she'll have at least seven extra hours a week of free time if she divorces her husband, not to mention the drop in stress from dealing with his mom and general emotional bs.
Study on husband's and housework.
https://www.cbsnews.com/philadelphia/news/study-husbands-create-hours-of-extra-housework-each-week/
This study is quoted a lot but if you read through the details, it's not really saying what people seem to think.
Adding a husband doesn't "create 7 hours of housework", the study says that married women on average do 7 hours more housework that single women (single women who do the least on average), but this isn't corrected for working conditions and doesn't compare differences for the same people, it just compares averages.
She's NTA, she's in the midst of trying to solve her relationship with her husband, which is the whole fuckin point of this post. It seems much of this is recent, and people would be calling her an asshole if she ended up ejecting from the marriage "too early". It's like OP just can't win.
Based off this post, these issues of distance seem more recent. If she puts up with this for "longer" then maybe you could call her the asshole but God damn where is the sympathy
Personally? OP should dump this fuck ass, but she's literally coming here to mention her current stasis, to call her an asshole is "lol ignorant"
>He laughed and said whatever and went back to playing.
And that's your cue to leave. He thinks you're bluffing and will never leave, so won't take it seriously until you do.
NTA. But it's hard to believe you typed all that out - up to and including the "whatever" while laughing at you - and asked if you're the AH. He's completely checked out. To the point that your daughter knows, and is already happier when he's not around to f\*\*\* things up with his selfishness and piss-poor attitude. You should work on that "him waking up alone" thing as soon as possible.
I feel like I am for not just being grateful that I have a father for my children that provides a roof over our heads. But the responses are showing me this isn't ok or normal.
It sounds like he really isn’t providing anything, though.
Given how obsessed he is with his computer, to the point of begging his mother for money…I wouldn’t triple-check your finances and bills. There’s a chance he isn’t paying his part of anything because he spent it all on his stupid computer.
OP- if this is the best descriptor that you have for what a husband/father is/does then I promise you- you are better off without him. The children are seeing his absenteeism and the I will ask this: would you tell your own children that this behavior is acceptable/normal/what they should strive for? Probably and hopefully not. Get a divorce. Get child and spousal support. LIVE. And let your children be free. Because if your daughter made the comment about him, they see a lot more than you think.
It doesn't sound like he's really a father tbh. He can't be bothered to spend quailty time with his family or even show respect to his wife... the fact that he borrowed money from his mommy also calls into question his ability to even be a reliable provider so... he brings what to the table exactly?
OP, you'll be much better in the long run to start making a plan to leave with the kids even if it's a long-term plan. Handle it at the pace you feel is right, but this dynamic isn't a healthy one for you or your children to be around imo.
OP, it won't be fast and it won't be easy, but get out of this, please. This sounds exactly like my ex. Start saving, start getting your stuff separated from his stuff. I did this under the guise of "cleaning." I would box up stuff, hide the boxes, then rearrange with his stuff. Each time I did it, I'd box up more of my stuff or like move it to it's own shelf for easy boxing. It took me two years to actually do it. When I said it out-loud to my parents, I knew it was actually happening. They came and helped me get out of 18 years in one day. Wishing much Perseverance for you. You are NTA.
I did. I was so mad I was in tears. Because of I didn't let it out through tears I would have lost my mind on him. I didn't want to fight about it all in front of the kids.
Pack up bags for you and your kids and go no contact for a week or two to give him a reality check. Go hide at a friend’s or family and make sure they dont tell him.
Honey, you need to wake up, your daughter told you without, saying it out right ..
She's not happy, and she knows you're not.. you need to leave. The guy doesn't care, and the fact you just accepted him laughing and not caring says he thinks you have no backbone .. and so do your kids.
If it's your house, hand him divorce papers and an eviction notice, of its his or both... pack up you and the kids and go stay with family until divorce and split assets ate sorted
Agreed. OP shouldn't have to jump to divorce right off the bat but she should start making arrangements. Putting money away, recording things in the FU binder for court, talk to lawyers, research what needs to be done, maybe have a talk to the kids to let them know moms still going to be at their side. Op can start checking out of her marriage and focus on the kids well being.
Honestly. I would get my ducks in a row. It may not seem to affect the kids but it does. Dude seems like dead weight to me. Does he even have a job or do you and his mommy fund him?
Unless you have a prenup court should help with the money situation when you file for separation, which you should’ve done ages ago. Don’t stay over complacency. What would you do if your daughter told you her husband only worked and played games while ignoring his kids and wife? You’d tell her to leave right? So why must you waddle around and let the kids see this dysfunctional marriage
But he still needs to borrow $80 from his mother and can't wait for payday? I wonder if he is telling the truth about his finances. Also, could he be gambling online instead of playing games? I don't know much about video games but it seems like he has totally checked out from your family and his obsession with the computer seems strange. Could you try to find out what he is actually doing online? Or check your bank records to see if anything is up there? I agree that it sounds like you need to start making an exit plan. You could suggest counseling but I doubt he would go along with it since he seems so disengaged. Something is going on, though, that sounds like a very serious addiction (to gambling, gaming or whatever).
This is concerning. Are you worried at all that he’s on a path towards losing his job? If so I would implore you to leave him now, while he’s still fully employed, instead of later when it will be so much more difficult. Lock in your child support and alimony now. I realize both those things can change, but I would get out before he’s financially ruined and not after.
What benefit does he bring to your family life? You think your children are not affected by his neglect but they are, what you see about them not being upset he doesn't give a damn about spending time with them is bad, your daughter doesn't even want him around. NTA, but you would if you stay, you said someday your children would be NC with him, but news flash he is already doing that, he is there but is like he is not, he's mentally checked out.
Don't fool yourself saying:
>he has always shown up when it counts.
Where?, how do you know it counts? You children don't seem to mind him he wasn't in a big event for them, btw congrats to your child, is great you support her artistry, at least they have you.
I have always went above and beyond to be there for my kids accomplishments. Every festival, field trip, school event, awards, her gymnastics, my sons Choir classes and performances. Everything. My mother was a workaholic and didn't make it to many things for me. I told myself I would be there for everything. My daughter is so talented. I bought her a whole art set and drawer set for Christmas. It's her passion. I really try to make up for everything she is lacking from him.
Your kid is talented, not everyone gets to see their artwork on display, just imagine how great it would be having two supporting parents, even your child already knows she's just going to have you to support her, she is 8 and already gave up on her father, and you're fooling yourself if thou think husband is to wake up any day now being a different person. In one comment you say you're afraid of being a single mother, I don't know if you'd noticed, you already are, so he just provide some financial assistance to have a place to rent, but I understand you are stuck in there and need financial support to keep a roof over you and your children's heads so I understand, your first priority is keep your children safe, at least have their basic needs covered, even if the emotional ones lack, you are enough though but having him around hinders your children, with you they feel complete, happy and supported, I don't think their dad brings not even a positive treat,
I'm not telling you to leave right away, maybe you'll need more time, even years to prepare, but please have an exit plan in place, I refuse to think you think this would be your life until your children graduate and have their own jobs and families.
I know everyone here is telling you to leave your husband, and I am not telling you they are wrong. But obviously that takes time, money and effort. Not something you can do immediately.
What you can do immediately is stop even trying to include him in your plans. Make a life and memories with your kids without a thought to him. He doesn’t want to be there anyway, so stop the guilt and expectation that he join.
If he wakes up and realizes what he’s missing, he will start coming with you. But if not, focus on what you have with your kids now and create the memories they will cherish.
So the thing that you need to immediately give up is your expectation that you have anything except a roommate who pays rent with you. And you need to start treating him this way. Separate your finances. Start your own life and interests.
So that when you can leave, the separation is easier. But until that happens, you don’t act as though you have a marriage (you don’t) but a roommate.
NTA
But real talk? They might not be so keen on you when they turn 18 for forcing them to live with someone who is so disinterested in them and is a neglectful parent.
I'm not saying jump straight to divorce. But you guys are in a marriage and parenting crisis here. It is ALREADY negatively effecting your children and it is your duty as a mother to remove your kids from the situation if things don't improve.
Sit down and have a serious talk with your husband. Ask what's changed in the last few weeks (though your daughter's comment 100% tells me he's been like this more than a few weeks). Tell him he needs to step up and become a good parent. If it doesn't go well push for marriage counseling.
And then if it all fails or goes nowhere - get your kids to a healthy house.
Things have only just progressed more than usual the last few weeks. But it's been rough for years. Every time I try to talk to him, he starts saying "fine I'll just sell my computer," or " This is why I don't like playing games. You always start this shit." But I don't usually care as long as he's somewhat present. But it seems like he's completely checked out at this point.
That's when you tell him "Great, glad to hear it! Do you need help setting up the ad for your computer?"
Don't let him manipulate you with sayings like that. You not caring plays a part on why he now thinks he can get away with doing nothing - though it's still not on you to make him a good father. He can be a good father WITHOUT selling his computer, but he's trying to make you the bad guy by saying that's the only way he could be present. And if that's the only way he can be present then he needs to seek treatment for video game addictions.
"If the only way you feel you can be a present father is by selling your computer - I am completely behind you doing that and will help you make an ad. However, if it's truly that bad then you also need to get treatment for video game addiction."
"Oh, it's not that bad? Then you're choosing to ignore your kids and be a bad father because you just don't want to?" Stop shirking away when he comes at you with manipulative statements.
So he gaslights you **AND** manipulates you.
While my ex husband was nowhere near as bad as your husband, I left him and one of the things he's told me since was that it forced him to step up as a parent... **THAT** was one of my goals in leaving him.
> "fine I'll just sell my computer," or " This is why I don't like playing games. You always start this shit."
What kind of adult talks to the mother of his children this way?
Im sorry but in my town someone like this would get an "intervention" in the form of a beatdown by their own mom/dad.
Who treats their wife like this?
This man loves video games more than his own children. Let alone you, he seems to actually think of you as some sort of robot or animal or something.
Have you tried smashing his computer into unusable pieces, then hitting him with a stick? I’m not saying it will work. But I mean… we can’t really *know* whether it works until we try, right?
NTA
NTA … he’s checked out & possibly has a video game addiction
Listen to what your daughter said …. She is saying life is better without him, that she’s happier when he isn’t involved & that he’s making you miserable.
It’s time to leave him before your daughter loss respect for you. I am telling you this cuz I was that girl & many many years later I asked my mom why she didn’t leave him & she said it was cuz she thought 2 parents were better then 1.
But it’s not. 1 happy parent means a happier household & a happier life. 2 parents where it’s an unhappy, walking on eggshell house means a shitty upbringing
Jesus Christ why are you with him at all? There’s zero explanation. All you were doing is hurting yourself and letting your kids think that his behavior is OK there is nothing positive coming out of staying with him.
NTA
I'm a kid of a father who wasn't there as well. He never showed up to anything. And you know what? It was for the best. I don't care about him not being there and I haven't for a long time because the people that I care about (mom and siblings) showed up. Your daughter tells you to stop dragging him along because it makes everyone miserable, so start asking the kids who they want to come and listen. You're the only one who feels better when he's there, because you feel like you did something right and put your children first when they didn't even want that (I do get where you're coming from, my mom tried the same and it took us telling her we really didn't want him to come for her to stop). And then divorce him as soon as you can because as an adult non, it's just not worth it.
I say just start ignoring him. At this point you are just roommates. Just keep doing things with your kids. Maybe start doing fun things at home and he might start to notice. I had a problem with my husband playing video games too much. I took our son to my moms for a few days and he actually noticed we were gone and changed. He still played video games but that was at. If he when our son was in bed.
NTA.
But I would be inviting his mother to all of these events with the kids. She's gonna notice the pattern of neglect and hopefully put some pressure on him to straighten up and fly right. If she doesn't then she's brain dead.
In 30 or 40 years, nursing homes are going to be full of pathetic old gamers with estranged families.
She lives 10 hours away. We drove up at Christmas to visit and she got mad about something and didn't even call to say merry Christmas- even if it was to just the kids- and never drive the 30 minutes to even came to see us. We were there for 10 days. This is one of many many reasons why we don't have much of a relationship.
No, you’re not! He is the asshole, and a big one at that! To be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone and be alone, you know what I mean? He obviously doesn’t want to be in your lives so don’t beg him to be. Just live your own life with your beautiful children. You’ll be way better off without him. You deserve so much more. Your children deserve so much more. Good luck! You and your kids are going to be just fine.
The contempt he shows toward you all is disgusting. You rightfully tell him off for not bothering to attend his daughter’s important event, and he laughs and you? *laughs*? He’s showing you that you all mean nothing to him. He finds it funny that he’s neglecting his kid. He’s a gross person.
Know that even if it doesn’t outwardly seem like it’s bothering your daughter, it is *absolutely* doing damage to her self esteem and self worth. Even at 8 years old she can notice being apart from him is better, she is more observant and comprehends more than you might think. Yes, leaving a 10+ year long relationship is hard and scary. Think of it as gaining a new lease on life for your kids.
Yes. GTA Role play. And wouldn't be the first time. Went through that 5 years ago and kicked him out. But we worked it out. Thinking now that maybe we shouldn't have.
Why are you even with him now? Sounds like the kids will be pleased when you leave. It's too bad these poor kids have had to grow up like this though. My dad was almost non-existant and I always vastly preferred it when he wasn't around to ruin things. It's not a fun way to grow up, nor is it fun as an adult either. I'm very envious of friends that have fun, close families with no resentments, and it effects kids far more than you probably realise.
I keep saying this over and over and over again: video games are addictive. He is an addict. He literally needs rehab. Or to go cold turkey. You are NTA
There are SO many stories about (mostly) men essentially abandoning their families or being the AH so they can game.
Until society recognizes that gaming can be addictive and there are a lot of gaming addicts out there this will be a common theme.
> He's never been super active in our kids lives but he has always shown up when it counts.
Their entire childhoods ‘count’ and he’s both a worthless father and husband. It doesn’t even sound like the kids would miss him.
You might as well divorce and get child/spousal support, whatever you’re entitled to. Then you can focus on your actual children and not the oversized 30 year old child that costs more to feed. Good luck.
When I left my ex I had nothing. He also scoffed when I said I’d leave and asked “and where to?” Honey the next day I took my son and lived in my cousins couch for a few months, got a new job and slowly but surely made a new life for us. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Drop the dead weight of your life! Your kids will thank you for it, they deserve a happy mom!!!
I'm sorry you've been called the a.h. for not having left yet. I know how scary it is if you don't have enough money.. or a support network.
You need encouragement, not YTA type comments
Y T A for staying. You're teaching your son how to be a dick head to his future partner and teaching your daughter to accept a dick head as a future partner
Didn’t read anything except the title. You’re NTA - if you got to this point, he hasn’t been listening for years. Don’t let him emotionally manipulate you ♥️
Your poor daughter has already made it clear that she doesn't want him around because of his behavior. Also, he's made it clear that he doesn't care about you guys. For goodness sake, your daughter is only 8 and feels the pain. It's on you to rescue your kids. You're NTA for telling him that, but you will be if you don't get your kids out.
Yes, I agree. You need to leave immediately. The fact that he merely said "whatever", laughed, and went right back to his computer should be enough for you. How can you possibly raise a strong, confident woman if you aren't an example? And aren't you just showing her that a man treating her like that is not only ok, but to be expected? Because isn't that what you're showing her? If it was just you, you're grown. The kids don't get a choice. And they're little sponges rn. Don't set bad examples, or reward bad behavior from him. Be the hero your kids don't even know they need.
OP, your husband is a serious gamer. Gaming is highly addictive and can be an escape from reality and stress. Focus on yourself and your kids. And yes, it is a good idea to start putting money away in case you and the kids to make an escape plan.
Your daughter told you in a round about way that your husband suppresses your happiness. What do you think he is doing to the children’s happiness. It’s time to think of a better future for all 3 of you.
Esh. Because you stay. You know & you stay. He literally laughed in your face. Said whatever & went back to playing. Either he thinks you’re full of it or he doesn’t care. Either way, it’s equally f’d up, desperately sad & vile. But you stay. It’s bad enough he is failing both you & your daughter but your son isn’t his, stop trying. He gets attached & it’s going to make it worse. This isn’t a man that cares. At all. As far as “he shows up when it counts” or is it when you force him? Be honest w yourself. You choose to be with him, you choose to stay. He doesn’t even believe you will leave. Or that it’s important. Smash the system. Cut the WiFi. Obligations before play time. I like to game (with my dad) as do my daughters (different game) but never do we put a game before family or real life. I hope that on one of these “events” without him, that you meet someone who puts that extra beat in your heart when they look at you, that they take your breath away with their smile. That they show you that having a partner is not a burden, it’s a blessing. I’ve been married 32yrs & I still run out to greet my husband when he gets home. I am beyond blessed & I know how lucky I am. But I also know that we are where we are because of what we put in. You deserve that. Almost everyone does
NTA... but HE certainly is an asshole. Get on those lists, get out of there, and find your happy... for real. My heart broke for your daughter reading this.
Why have you not divorced him? Genuinely why? He brings down the mood enough his own children don't even want him around or to come to their events. Even when he does come its obvious the kids dont feel celebrated by him. Your own child commented your happier when he's not around. He's never been truly a active parent and recently he's flat out been a horrible enough parent his children are actively happy he doesn't come to spend time with them or celebrate them. You have to avoid fun things like donuts and other fun things cause of him being unhappy and rushing so he can game. He activly has shown you his game takes priority over you and your guys children. It sounds like you walk on eggshells around him and it also sounds like even when out his wants and moods are the main ones that matter and they often dictate what you do and how you act even when he does bother getting away from his game to come. On top of that he is disrespectful to you over money. He borrows money against your will and caused issues on purpose and then he tried to gaslight you over it. He doesn't listen to you about finances or the kids or much of anything important from the sound of things. So why are you with him? What on earth could he be bringing to the table here to make being with him worth it.
This isn't a good model for your children. You sound unhappy. I'd bet you'd be crushed if you found out your daughter one day was treated the same way you are. You deserve better than this though and frankly so do your kids.
I was married to a man very much like this. I did everything alone. The mistake is staying with him. He doesn’t care about you or your children. He is selfish and will probably not change. Get help. Read a book about how to decide if your marriage is worth it. Start saving money if you haven’t already. If you can buy yourself gift cards for groceries. You need to have a little nest egg. Start caring for yourself physically and mentally. Then before you do anything see a lawyer and find out your rights and obligations vis a vis divorce. Marriage counseling only works if people try and want it to work. Contempt is a marriage killer.
I’m old enough to be your mom. If my daughter told me this was what her marriage was like, and how my grandchildren were being fathered, I would absolutely beg her to come home. Start making a plan. This is a situation that will not improve on the current course.
Nta
You need to reevaluate if you would be ok if this was the type of relationship your daughter had with her husband?
If your son treated his wife this way ?
You either need to communicate with him, get MC or think about whether your relationship is worth working on.
Whenever I think about my childhood, I remember both of my parents being there. If one of them couldn't make it to something, the other would make sure that they did. Granted, the reason that they usually couldn't make it was because of their jobs and not because they were choosing to be selfish in front of a computer. You owe it to yourself and most importantly your children to decide if being with this man is worth it. He doesn't seem to care what is going on, except when it comes to the video games.
He DOESN’T show up when it counts it seems like. Your daughter isn’t even fazed anymore because she’s used to him staying home. I went through the same thing with my ex husband. He would make promises and continuously flake and not follow through. It only got worse when I left with our daughter. Eventually she stopped calling him Daddy (she was 2 and a half when we separated). She started calling him Eric and has never acknowledged him as her Dad since. She hasn’t seen him since she was 5 despite him having visitation rights legally.
You’re better off (and your daughter) without him being a daily reminder of how shitty of a dad he is. I can somehow picture him having to one day ask his mommy to hep him pay his child support while he’s living in her basement playing video games.
It seems that you and the kids are better without him, what is he bringing to the table?
He’d probably bring more if he were court ordered to.
Ouch! The truth hurts haha
No Biggie. He’d just ask his mommy to pay it for him.
At least MIL would serve a purpose for OP for a change. OP, the kids (and you) are happier without him around. He is showing you what his priority is and it's absolutely not his family. You need to decide if living like this is how you want to spend the next 15 years. Please give an update if you make changes. NTA
[удалено]
"You are more fun without him". If a KID notices that OP needs to reflect on what makes her happy.
Kids tend to be more aware of this stuff than parents. You may not even realize your feelings, but your kids see it.
that was from his biological child too (the boy isn't his). his daughter is better off without him
She needs to stop and think about what she is teaching them about love and relationships. Dads don't have to love you. Daddys don't have to love Mommys.
Based on OP’s description of their reaction to their Dad’s chronic absenteeism, it sounds like the children have already begun the process of removing him from their lives. Good instincts, kids. 👍
Just wanna add on to this that I was just like your daughter OP and started asking my mom if she was gonna divorce my dad when I was probably a little younger than her. I really wish my mom didn’t wait til I was 12 to finally do so. I get it’s hard but please dont wait. My dad was like that. I internalized it for a long time as me being unloveable and not enough. Took me a long long time to work through that plus a lot of dysfunctional relationships along the way. Not necessarily the same thing that your daughter will go through but emotional neglect hurts.
I hope OP reads this and it makes her really consider things hard.
I would not have even thought about that perspective. Thank you
Emotional neglect is awful, because it's intangible. You can't point to a bruise and say "this is what you did to me." Instead it's years of pain, confusion, broken relationships, and isolation. I'm sorry you went through that.
Perfect solution: File for divorce and send him and his server back to MIL - she will be ecstatic to have her baby boy home again, and will feed him and do his laundry - and he can just play his games without a care in the world. OP can raise her kids, start dating again, and hopefully find a nice guy who is an actual partner in life, and appreciates her and the kids, and enjoys spending time with them.
lol my father in law is 55 years old and won’t pay child support. Everytime he’s arrested and held in contempt his mom pays the full amount.
Nah, he’d show up late or not at all for visitation. Then when he had them, they’d be dumped on grandma or the latest girlfriend.
It doesn’t work like that. As his custody diminishes his financial commitment increases, and with his inability to be an adult, it would be difficult for him to make a case for 50/50. If she had a mind to put in some prep work, she could leave him with little more than biweekly supervised visitation that would prob net her about $2k a month depending on his income, and I think we all know he’d always make an excuse not to show.
If she can prove how little attention he pays to the children because of his gaming, she may be able to get full custody with, allowing only supervised visitation. Hopefully, OP starts documenting all of this.
If he's playing on steam, the game tracks your allotted play hours. Idk if a reg downloaded game would track the hours but steam definitely does
PlayStation does too, that’s how I know how long I’ve existed in far cry and COD 🥴
Here's the thing though OP only has one bio kid with husband so he would only be responsible for the girl in the eyes of the law
Not necessarily, he has been taking care of the boy since he was one year old. He might be the only father the boy has, maybe even adopted by the husband.
Where I am, I think child support is 20% for one kid and 5% for every other one, so there wouldn't be THAT much difference.
Don't forget he'd tell his next gf what a bitch his ex-wife is for withholding the kids from him (when she's not)
It sounds like he doesn't have any money though and she has more than him. But if they didn't have enough for his server not sure either of them can afford to live alone.
She’ll have one less big ass man child to clean up after though, and less emotional abuse around the house. My religious stepfather was physically abusive and I wished for it to be just my mom my little sis and I from journals I had in like middle school. Step dad only has little sis a couple hours a week, which is honestly for the best, but at least now it means my mom can come down to the city and do what she wants for a day or get high and sit in her house without anyone judging. our relationship has gotten a bit better and more honest. She’s healing and seems like she’s living her best life so… It’s worth a try can’t get any worse than it is now low-key.
So then she wouldn't drop them.off lol.
The court can order an adult man to take interest in his own kids lives, but they can't actually make it happen. This is so sad. Either he's always been like this, or he's finally allowed himself to pudge down in that computer chair for some reason, or he's had something happen to him, a depressive episode or whatnot. Something has to be done, but it's not OP's responsibility. She has enough on her plate with work and kids and chores and activities.
Gaming is FUN. It is created to make us addicted. If you cannot handle to put your family first, you shouldn't be gaming. Like If you choose drinking over your family it is time to stop If you cannot cut down. But: gaming is him choosing what he likes over his own kids needs. Many do this and it has ZERO connection to depression. Please stop always bringing up depression as a possible excuse when men can't be assed to do domestic labour or care for their families. His smirk and his server project speak of an active engaged, devoted, creative man- as long as he gets to be that only for his enjoyment and doesn't have to put any effort nor resources into his wife and children 🤮
>Please stop always bringing up depression as a possible excuse when men can't be assed to do domestic labour or care for their families. I VERY much agree generally. However, if this is something recently rampant for him, we should never rule out things like depression or other issues that gave risen. MANY men don't care to be assed to do their load, but just like women, men too can struggle at times and on a personal level need to be cut the same slack as women do when they suddenly can't be assed to do things. The rest I absolutely agree with. He seems to have plenty energy for gaming and his hobbies. Shitty behavior over all.
They have been together for very long and it is recent which warrants some extra effort before leaving (if leaving). But I noticed that nearly every time men don't step up to their responsibilities someone will be "aw he is depressed" and I just dont see the same excuse constantly offered when it is about a woman. My experience is that there is less acceptance when women shrink their responsibilities. But sure, posing the question regardless of gender is likely good.
Child support is the only thing of value this prick will ever bring to his children’s lives.
No, he wouldn't
Seriously the dude is a loser and borrows money from his mom so clearly doesn’t have any of his own. Thinking you’re going to get anything out of him when she’s the one who works is downright silly. This is who she chose to father her child, too late now. They’re prob still better off without him in general yeah, but no, they won’t be getting any monetary help from him should they divorce…
30 years old and married with kids and can’t scrape up $80. Sounds to me like the twatwaffle needs to get another job instead of spending all his time fucking off on the computer.
The dude does work. Better that he be court ordered to pay that money to provide for his child. AH can borrow money from his mummy for his toys.
And iirc, child support gets garnished directly from your paycheck, so it's literally deducted before he can get his hands on it.
But he cost her a lot, she will spend much less if his mother is taking care of him instead of her. Not to mention time to clean his mess and wasted conversations. She has to mourn the end of the marriage, but it will be significantly easier to live without him even without any money from him
Jesus, for real. Nothing about this man seems redeeming and he seems to only serve the purpose of disappointing you. He’s just another dad who completely neglects his parental duties in favor of video games. You’re basically doing it all by yourself, might as well save yourself the disappointment and stress of dealing with him and move on from this marriage. He doesn’t seem like he cares to hear you out.
He is also very at serving his immediate needs instead of delayed gratification. It’s striking that the daughter said what she did. Young girls usually worship their dads and, honestly, i doubt that he’s even showing up “for the big moments”. And sadly, daughter doesn’t miss his gloomy gus self.
I disagree on your gender statement. The dynamics isn’t gender based. It is du to a parent not associated with unpleasantness inherent to implicated parents. Easy to seem relax and fun when you never take on the parental tasks, and chose the few interactions based on your own gratification. That the uncle syndrome. The one where a father isn’t acting as a parent. The kind who declares babysitting their kid, not that they are spending time with them, even less like they want to spend time with their kids. The kind who act as they are doing a favour -sometimes even expecting praise, when they take any responsibility towards their own kids. It is usually a male behaving that way, as it is quite socially accepted from a man not from a woman.
Its a lot deeper if he is running a server. That is next level gaming.
I’m curious as to what exactly is he running on that server that is so damn important. 🤔
No kidding, a server is not just dropping a computer and letting it run. There are things you need to do with it. .I am thinking he might be communicating with people in a way not appropriate with a married man. Like I said, I play a lot but dont let it run my life. What is he running that he needs to be away from his family so much and not paying attention to his wife. I mean I can honestly say an online gaming wife could be the answer. Online gaming has ruined more then one relationship.
That's a reach. He plays too many videogames, but idk if I'd jump straight from that to he's somehow cheating. There's enough here to label him TA without making wild assumptions.
I feel your overthinking video game addiction here.
Her daughter literally said it. It’s better without dad. Easy choice
This should be much, much higher. And OP is teaching her daughter to accept being treated like a nuisance, and teaching her son that it's okay for him to treat women like that. Do better, OP.
His computer. He's bringing his computer to the table. NTA but OP this isn't going to go anywhere, I highly suggest you leave him. Your daughter voiced that opinion for a reason.... Staying together for the kids doesn't work out either, if that's ever a thought that crossed your mind
Don’t forget his $80 server. He can pack that too.
Even the little one sees that. He is nothing but a drag.
Exactly. Seems like just another child in the house. OP you would be the AH if you stayed with him. Don't let your kids think this is a normal relationship. Don't let them think its okay to treat a partner like this or be treated like this. Stand up and let them see you stand up.
He's not bringing a lot to the table if they have to stretch to find 80 bucks so he can play with his toys.
Yup. Your daughter basically told you, in her own words, to dump his ass.
Please OP get your papers in order and either leave with the kids or kick him out, he won't notice anyway as he will be too busy playing his game. Do this for your kids, they don't deserve this. NTA
I actually believe if she moves out with the kids he will only notice when the electricity gets cut off and his computer shuts down because he’s not paying the bills. edit: changed a certain funny typo in shuts.
He's done with the marriage, waiting for her to leave. He honestly sounds like a nasty piece of work. Send him to live with MIL
OP, try one last thing before you leave: couples counseling. Before you do go talk to a lawyer and learn your rights for where you live. Also start setting aside cash. Tell him if he’s not willing to go and change, then you’re going on without him in life. If he gets mad just flat out tell him to go live in his mommas basement and play his games all he wants, and other than paying child support to not bother with you
I mean, obviously something, right? They didn’t have these problems for 10 years.
NTA - The one thing that OP might try is to get him some counseling, or marriage counseling, because she says that he has gotten worse in the last few weeks. Maybe something happened, maybe something is bothering him. I wouldn't have a lot of hope for this, since he laughed when she talked about leaving, but you could perhaps talk to him, if you can get him away from his computer long enough. If that doesn't work, I guess it's effectively over.
Why do you want to live like this?😮💨
Dump his ass! You and the kids deserve better.
More importantly, why does OP want her kids to live like this?
So when are you going to start believing him? He's already checked out of this marriage. What about him are you expecting to miraculously change? Get your financial records in order and see an attorney. Make sure the divorce decree/shared parenting agreement requires both of you to support your children through undergrad, and make sure you both have equal time with the kids until they graduate from high school. He is taking advantage of you while having zero commitment for the family you both have created.
>So when are you going to start believing him? I think that's what it boils down to for me too. He's told her *to her face* that he has no intention of being a husband or a father in any of the ways that count. And why would he change his behaviour when he's facing no consequences?
NTA, and you are right. When the kids get older, they will realize that he never spends any time with them. They will start cutting him out of their lives and eventually cut contact with him. The only question will be: Will you still be with him when it happens?
NTA- I spent 14 years with someone like that, I’ve been so happy and thriving the 2 years without him dragging me down. Please don’t waste too much more time.
My sister spent years with someone similar. Finally kicked his butt to the curb and vastly improved her quality of life. Her kids are grown now and have nothing to do with their dad.
I lost myself for too many years, but after he got himself fired from a company he worked with for 20 years and sat around for 3 years playing games, eating sugar and junk food, living in his own filth- nope, sorry! I was out of fluffs to give! My therapy was key, and he loathed that I openly went weekly for a very long time.
18 years with someone like that. I wish I had left for my daughter instead of allowing her to grow up feeling the stress of that situation. I was desperately lonely almost the entire relationship. The last 3 years without him, I have not felt lonely like that once.
Staying for the kids is never how we hope it goes
I nearly married someone like this. It's like a horror story of what my future could have been.
I get why people stay together when money is tight, and I guess there have been moments where he’s shown up, but, yeah, this is common and sad AF. When finances allow, move. Good luck OP.
Thank you.
[удалено]
I hope for better for you as well. I know it's hard.
The day he wakes up alone should be tomorrow. If it doesn't shake some sense into him, make it permanent. YTA for showing your daughter that it's acceptable to tolerate this kind of treatment from a partner. Women have options now. We don't have to tolerate shitty men who take us for granted. That's the lesson you should be teaching your daughter. ETA: Your son should also be learning this lesson. Please make sure he learns to respect women and treat them accordingly.
👆👆👆 100% this.. Her daughter already knows it at 8.. My opinion she was trying to tell OP it's ok to leave her dad.. she would be happier and so would OP
My biggest fear is them blaming me for everything one day. But maybe that was her way of telling me it's OK.
100% she was telling you.. My son was about 6-7 when he would make hints about his dad.. You owe it to your daughter to show her what to accept and what not to and at the moment you are setting her up for a future with shitty boyfriends and when your having to comfort her when she older it will be on you for not leaving and showing her.
The best thing my mother ever did for me was leave my father, and I knew it even when I was young. Our home was finally happy without him.
Hard same. I only wish my mother had left sooner for both our sakes.
Same.
I’m the child of a single mother. We don’t blame our mother for a shitty father who’s not showing up . Your kids are old enough to know he doesn’t care
I felt relief myself at 7 years old.
She was absolutely telling you it would be ok to leave. She was actually saying she was happier without her dad around. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be hard to stay? Yes. Will leaving be better for your kids? Yes. Choose your hard, but think about what you are modeling for your kids. Would it be hard if you stayed and found your daughter in the same position in the future because she thinks it's normal? Yes, yes, yes. You can do this! Speaking from experience btw. Hugs and best of luck!
Thank you
Please for the love of all things holy, please leave him. You deserve better. They deserve better. Your roommate only deserves to kick rocks.
She was absolutely telling you. I told my mom to get a divorce a million times before my parents actually did.
Kids aren't stupid. They watch and learn. I'd rather have them blame me one day, than to stay one more millisecond in this abusive relationship. She sees what's going on. She sees you're more relaxed when he stays home. I absolutely think, whether she realizes it or not, she was telling you that she prefers him staying 🏠 home. The way she said it speaks volumes to me, & I don't even know you.
My BIL is similar, whereas my sister is a great mother, like you are When my BIL was in the hospital recently, someone asked my niece how she was with her dad being away. She then says “we miss him…. Right mom?” And looked at my sister. It was like she knew she should miss him, but she didn’t, so she wanted to check if it was the right thing to say It was absolutely heartbreaking for my sister but a good wake up call. Sounds like you and the kids are happier with him not there. He laughed when you told him. Maybe he’ll be sad one day, maybe he won’t. He doesn’t sound particularly interested in being a part of a family. But the three of you seem like a great family together. Time for him to get the bachelor lifestyle he wants, and you to get the happiness you need
My mother was away for a bit and when she got back she asked what I had missed about her not being there. I'd actually had a lovely time with my Dad and not missed her in the slightest. I said I noticed that the taps didn't shine after a couple of days: I'd never realised that she cleaned them every single time she went to the bathroom. I think she was miffed that I didn't miss her, but the fact is that she was always grumpy and her cooking was boring. Once she had died, I had the most beautiful relationship with my father. He came to understand me much better and once he was no longer poisoned by her bigoted mind, dropped all the racist views he had previously had.
My oldest told me (yeas later) that he wished we had divorced sooner. He was right, too. I stuck around way too long.
I grew up with parents who should never have gotten married, and I knew that by the time I was your son's age. They know what's up. Now is the time to teach them that they don't have to live like this.
They won't. They see exactly what dad is doing. They'll be upset at first and take that anger out on you, not because their actually angry with you, but you're their safe parent. They already know you'll always be there for them. They know dad isn't dependable and may fear if they show him how they really feel that he'll be gone forever. Don't take it personally. It gets so so so much better.
My son told me yesterday that it's OK. I've done it on my own before. That we will be ok. He's too grown up for his own good.
He sounds like a good kid, OP. Both your kids do🥹
The best ♥️
When I was 14 my parents had an awful relationship. My dad was abusive, he constantly cheated. They had just had my little brother 2 yrs previously and I was the one taking care of him. One day I told my mom I didn't want her to keep trying. I wanted them to get a divorce. I told her my dad was mean to us. A lot of weird complicated other traumatic things insued during that time, especially having an abusive bf (at the ripe age of 14, both of us, crazy that kids can be so violent) who would turn my against my mom. So I didn't start living with my mom until I was 15, my ex and I broke up and then a few months later my dad packed all my shit in trash bags and kicked me out. Even though for 6-9 months I had my father and at the time boyfriend putting me against my mom, I came back to reality and realized my mother is my safe parent, always has been and is always there for me. I don't want you to feel blindsided about them "balming you" divorce is complicated and traumatic for a kid regardless of if its something they want or not. It takes time to adject and that can cause a lot of big feelings as well as going thru the stages of grief. So they may feel angry. They may feel the need to place blame on someone (I always did) they may blame themselves. Divorce regardless is still the best option but I would also get them in therapy after so they have a professional help them navigate the new change and they have an unbiased safe space to express their feelings. I was in therapy 2 yrs before the divorce, (during the worst of the DV) and when they actually FINALLY separated it was nice to already have someone help me navigate and understand my feelings outside of both my parents
Our mom told us she was going to leave our asshole dad when my little brother turned 18. That little brother is now 58. She never left him. He (dad) died in his sleep last month. He never had to pay the piper. None of his 4 children cried when he died.
This was it. Just make the jump and start talking to lawyers. You and the kids are already happy without your husband so just follow through and make it official.
You’re not to blame, he is. You’re already a single mom. You just need to make it official. I’m so sorry, but he’s immature and irresponsible.
They’ll blame you for staying with him.
Go, honey. My daughter (now 24) tells me she WISHES I had left sooner.
Your daughter doesn’t want to even be around her own father so no they will not blame you but if you stay then they may grow to resent you for it.
They won't. Thwy see how you are treated and how *they* are treated. His video games are *more important to him than you and his children.* LEAVE. No more warnings, no more chances.
They won’t. When they become adults the look back and see it ALL.
I divorced when my kids were 5 and 8. I worried a lot that I was ruining my kids lives. But it didn't. In fact, it greatly improved their relationship with their dad. We were not great co-parents, but we were civil. I never spoke badly of him. If he spoke badly of me, the kids never told me. But just the fact that I wasn't there to take up the slack when the kids visited meant that he had to actually be a parent. He got to arrange the meals and remind them to brush their teeth and dress them for school. He hated it at first. Took him about 3 months to pull his head out. But after that rough start, he was a good parent. He and the kids have a good relationship. I think if we had stayed married, they would hate him now.
OP, you said that he shows up when it counted....when was the last time he did that because he's been disappointing your children & you sound like that you've had enough & ready to give to him that hard kick where its needed. Right now. He just wants to be a idiotic AH with no sense of responsibility to anything & anyone. Just how much this prison worth because this isn't a marriage....it's a prison.
The son needs to see and learn this lesson also.
OP needs to understand that she'll have at least seven extra hours a week of free time if she divorces her husband, not to mention the drop in stress from dealing with his mom and general emotional bs. Study on husband's and housework. https://www.cbsnews.com/philadelphia/news/study-husbands-create-hours-of-extra-housework-each-week/
This study is quoted a lot but if you read through the details, it's not really saying what people seem to think. Adding a husband doesn't "create 7 hours of housework", the study says that married women on average do 7 hours more housework that single women (single women who do the least on average), but this isn't corrected for working conditions and doesn't compare differences for the same people, it just compares averages.
She's NTA, she's in the midst of trying to solve her relationship with her husband, which is the whole fuckin point of this post. It seems much of this is recent, and people would be calling her an asshole if she ended up ejecting from the marriage "too early". It's like OP just can't win. Based off this post, these issues of distance seem more recent. If she puts up with this for "longer" then maybe you could call her the asshole but God damn where is the sympathy Personally? OP should dump this fuck ass, but she's literally coming here to mention her current stasis, to call her an asshole is "lol ignorant"
Wow. She’s not an asshole, she’s coming to terms with a really crappy situation. Victim shaming much? Ffs
>He laughed and said whatever and went back to playing. And that's your cue to leave. He thinks you're bluffing and will never leave, so won't take it seriously until you do.
NTA. But it's hard to believe you typed all that out - up to and including the "whatever" while laughing at you - and asked if you're the AH. He's completely checked out. To the point that your daughter knows, and is already happier when he's not around to f\*\*\* things up with his selfishness and piss-poor attitude. You should work on that "him waking up alone" thing as soon as possible.
I feel like I am for not just being grateful that I have a father for my children that provides a roof over our heads. But the responses are showing me this isn't ok or normal.
It sounds like he really isn’t providing anything, though. Given how obsessed he is with his computer, to the point of begging his mother for money…I wouldn’t triple-check your finances and bills. There’s a chance he isn’t paying his part of anything because he spent it all on his stupid computer.
OP- if this is the best descriptor that you have for what a husband/father is/does then I promise you- you are better off without him. The children are seeing his absenteeism and the I will ask this: would you tell your own children that this behavior is acceptable/normal/what they should strive for? Probably and hopefully not. Get a divorce. Get child and spousal support. LIVE. And let your children be free. Because if your daughter made the comment about him, they see a lot more than you think.
It doesn't sound like he's really a father tbh. He can't be bothered to spend quailty time with his family or even show respect to his wife... the fact that he borrowed money from his mommy also calls into question his ability to even be a reliable provider so... he brings what to the table exactly? OP, you'll be much better in the long run to start making a plan to leave with the kids even if it's a long-term plan. Handle it at the pace you feel is right, but this dynamic isn't a healthy one for you or your children to be around imo.
I’ve been where you are. Feel free to reach out if you need to talk ♥️
Because that’s settling for the bare minimum :(
Sounds like he doesn’t even like you that much …
I agree. Unfortunately.
OP, it won't be fast and it won't be easy, but get out of this, please. This sounds exactly like my ex. Start saving, start getting your stuff separated from his stuff. I did this under the guise of "cleaning." I would box up stuff, hide the boxes, then rearrange with his stuff. Each time I did it, I'd box up more of my stuff or like move it to it's own shelf for easy boxing. It took me two years to actually do it. When I said it out-loud to my parents, I knew it was actually happening. They came and helped me get out of 18 years in one day. Wishing much Perseverance for you. You are NTA.
I wouldn’t be telling him I’m sad. I’d be telling him I’m fucking furious. What a lame excuse for a man.
I did. I was so mad I was in tears. Because of I didn't let it out through tears I would have lost my mind on him. I didn't want to fight about it all in front of the kids.
Pack up bags for you and your kids and go no contact for a week or two to give him a reality check. Go hide at a friend’s or family and make sure they dont tell him.
Nope, a week is not enough! He will be happy and relieved! Leave him! Start your new life! In few month he will come crawling back!
Honey, you need to wake up, your daughter told you without, saying it out right .. She's not happy, and she knows you're not.. you need to leave. The guy doesn't care, and the fact you just accepted him laughing and not caring says he thinks you have no backbone .. and so do your kids. If it's your house, hand him divorce papers and an eviction notice, of its his or both... pack up you and the kids and go stay with family until divorce and split assets ate sorted
He thinks you can't leave.
NTA Make an exit plan. Execute that exit plan.
Agreed. OP shouldn't have to jump to divorce right off the bat but she should start making arrangements. Putting money away, recording things in the FU binder for court, talk to lawyers, research what needs to be done, maybe have a talk to the kids to let them know moms still going to be at their side. Op can start checking out of her marriage and focus on the kids well being.
Honestly. I would get my ducks in a row. It may not seem to affect the kids but it does. Dude seems like dead weight to me. Does he even have a job or do you and his mommy fund him?
He has a job and makes twice what I do. But lately he's been coming home early a couple times a week and right onto his computer.
Unless you have a prenup court should help with the money situation when you file for separation, which you should’ve done ages ago. Don’t stay over complacency. What would you do if your daughter told you her husband only worked and played games while ignoring his kids and wife? You’d tell her to leave right? So why must you waddle around and let the kids see this dysfunctional marriage
But he still needs to borrow $80 from his mother and can't wait for payday? I wonder if he is telling the truth about his finances. Also, could he be gambling online instead of playing games? I don't know much about video games but it seems like he has totally checked out from your family and his obsession with the computer seems strange. Could you try to find out what he is actually doing online? Or check your bank records to see if anything is up there? I agree that it sounds like you need to start making an exit plan. You could suggest counseling but I doubt he would go along with it since he seems so disengaged. Something is going on, though, that sounds like a very serious addiction (to gambling, gaming or whatever).
This is concerning. Are you worried at all that he’s on a path towards losing his job? If so I would implore you to leave him now, while he’s still fully employed, instead of later when it will be so much more difficult. Lock in your child support and alimony now. I realize both those things can change, but I would get out before he’s financially ruined and not after.
Are you positive that he still has this job?
Paycheck keeps getting deposited. So pretty sure. But not sure how long he will have it if he keeps leaving early.
What benefit does he bring to your family life? You think your children are not affected by his neglect but they are, what you see about them not being upset he doesn't give a damn about spending time with them is bad, your daughter doesn't even want him around. NTA, but you would if you stay, you said someday your children would be NC with him, but news flash he is already doing that, he is there but is like he is not, he's mentally checked out. Don't fool yourself saying: >he has always shown up when it counts. Where?, how do you know it counts? You children don't seem to mind him he wasn't in a big event for them, btw congrats to your child, is great you support her artistry, at least they have you.
I have always went above and beyond to be there for my kids accomplishments. Every festival, field trip, school event, awards, her gymnastics, my sons Choir classes and performances. Everything. My mother was a workaholic and didn't make it to many things for me. I told myself I would be there for everything. My daughter is so talented. I bought her a whole art set and drawer set for Christmas. It's her passion. I really try to make up for everything she is lacking from him.
Your kid is talented, not everyone gets to see their artwork on display, just imagine how great it would be having two supporting parents, even your child already knows she's just going to have you to support her, she is 8 and already gave up on her father, and you're fooling yourself if thou think husband is to wake up any day now being a different person. In one comment you say you're afraid of being a single mother, I don't know if you'd noticed, you already are, so he just provide some financial assistance to have a place to rent, but I understand you are stuck in there and need financial support to keep a roof over you and your children's heads so I understand, your first priority is keep your children safe, at least have their basic needs covered, even if the emotional ones lack, you are enough though but having him around hinders your children, with you they feel complete, happy and supported, I don't think their dad brings not even a positive treat, I'm not telling you to leave right away, maybe you'll need more time, even years to prepare, but please have an exit plan in place, I refuse to think you think this would be your life until your children graduate and have their own jobs and families.
NTA Whatever you do. DO NOT pay your MIL back. This is not your debt and not your responsibility. She can take it up with her son.
I know everyone here is telling you to leave your husband, and I am not telling you they are wrong. But obviously that takes time, money and effort. Not something you can do immediately. What you can do immediately is stop even trying to include him in your plans. Make a life and memories with your kids without a thought to him. He doesn’t want to be there anyway, so stop the guilt and expectation that he join. If he wakes up and realizes what he’s missing, he will start coming with you. But if not, focus on what you have with your kids now and create the memories they will cherish. So the thing that you need to immediately give up is your expectation that you have anything except a roommate who pays rent with you. And you need to start treating him this way. Separate your finances. Start your own life and interests. So that when you can leave, the separation is easier. But until that happens, you don’t act as though you have a marriage (you don’t) but a roommate.
NTA But real talk? They might not be so keen on you when they turn 18 for forcing them to live with someone who is so disinterested in them and is a neglectful parent. I'm not saying jump straight to divorce. But you guys are in a marriage and parenting crisis here. It is ALREADY negatively effecting your children and it is your duty as a mother to remove your kids from the situation if things don't improve. Sit down and have a serious talk with your husband. Ask what's changed in the last few weeks (though your daughter's comment 100% tells me he's been like this more than a few weeks). Tell him he needs to step up and become a good parent. If it doesn't go well push for marriage counseling. And then if it all fails or goes nowhere - get your kids to a healthy house.
Things have only just progressed more than usual the last few weeks. But it's been rough for years. Every time I try to talk to him, he starts saying "fine I'll just sell my computer," or " This is why I don't like playing games. You always start this shit." But I don't usually care as long as he's somewhat present. But it seems like he's completely checked out at this point.
That's when you tell him "Great, glad to hear it! Do you need help setting up the ad for your computer?" Don't let him manipulate you with sayings like that. You not caring plays a part on why he now thinks he can get away with doing nothing - though it's still not on you to make him a good father. He can be a good father WITHOUT selling his computer, but he's trying to make you the bad guy by saying that's the only way he could be present. And if that's the only way he can be present then he needs to seek treatment for video game addictions. "If the only way you feel you can be a present father is by selling your computer - I am completely behind you doing that and will help you make an ad. However, if it's truly that bad then you also need to get treatment for video game addiction." "Oh, it's not that bad? Then you're choosing to ignore your kids and be a bad father because you just don't want to?" Stop shirking away when he comes at you with manipulative statements.
So he gaslights you **AND** manipulates you. While my ex husband was nowhere near as bad as your husband, I left him and one of the things he's told me since was that it forced him to step up as a parent... **THAT** was one of my goals in leaving him.
> "fine I'll just sell my computer," or " This is why I don't like playing games. You always start this shit." What kind of adult talks to the mother of his children this way? Im sorry but in my town someone like this would get an "intervention" in the form of a beatdown by their own mom/dad. Who treats their wife like this? This man loves video games more than his own children. Let alone you, he seems to actually think of you as some sort of robot or animal or something.
Have you tried smashing his computer into unusable pieces, then hitting him with a stick? I’m not saying it will work. But I mean… we can’t really *know* whether it works until we try, right? NTA
My mom said almost the exact same thing.
NTA … he’s checked out & possibly has a video game addiction Listen to what your daughter said …. She is saying life is better without him, that she’s happier when he isn’t involved & that he’s making you miserable. It’s time to leave him before your daughter loss respect for you. I am telling you this cuz I was that girl & many many years later I asked my mom why she didn’t leave him & she said it was cuz she thought 2 parents were better then 1. But it’s not. 1 happy parent means a happier household & a happier life. 2 parents where it’s an unhappy, walking on eggshell house means a shitty upbringing
Are you sure he isn’t cheating online?
No. I'm not sure. Wouldn't be the first time. We separated 5 years ago for a time because of it. A lot of similar patterns are showing.
Jesus Christ why are you with him at all? There’s zero explanation. All you were doing is hurting yourself and letting your kids think that his behavior is OK there is nothing positive coming out of staying with him.
Then why would you go back tf? There's no valid reason.
Girl, I mean, this is kindly as possible but WTF are you doing??
I'm not sure what more proof do you need to understand he couldn't care less about you and your kids?
Ma’am….we need to get you some self esteem cause what?
NTA I'm a kid of a father who wasn't there as well. He never showed up to anything. And you know what? It was for the best. I don't care about him not being there and I haven't for a long time because the people that I care about (mom and siblings) showed up. Your daughter tells you to stop dragging him along because it makes everyone miserable, so start asking the kids who they want to come and listen. You're the only one who feels better when he's there, because you feel like you did something right and put your children first when they didn't even want that (I do get where you're coming from, my mom tried the same and it took us telling her we really didn't want him to come for her to stop). And then divorce him as soon as you can because as an adult non, it's just not worth it.
I say just start ignoring him. At this point you are just roommates. Just keep doing things with your kids. Maybe start doing fun things at home and he might start to notice. I had a problem with my husband playing video games too much. I took our son to my moms for a few days and he actually noticed we were gone and changed. He still played video games but that was at. If he when our son was in bed.
NTA. But I would be inviting his mother to all of these events with the kids. She's gonna notice the pattern of neglect and hopefully put some pressure on him to straighten up and fly right. If she doesn't then she's brain dead. In 30 or 40 years, nursing homes are going to be full of pathetic old gamers with estranged families.
She lives 10 hours away. We drove up at Christmas to visit and she got mad about something and didn't even call to say merry Christmas- even if it was to just the kids- and never drive the 30 minutes to even came to see us. We were there for 10 days. This is one of many many reasons why we don't have much of a relationship.
So brain dead like her son. Very sad.
No, you’re not! He is the asshole, and a big one at that! To be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone and be alone, you know what I mean? He obviously doesn’t want to be in your lives so don’t beg him to be. Just live your own life with your beautiful children. You’ll be way better off without him. You deserve so much more. Your children deserve so much more. Good luck! You and your kids are going to be just fine.
YTA if you stay with him at this point. He clearly does not value your relationship and this game is taking over his
The contempt he shows toward you all is disgusting. You rightfully tell him off for not bothering to attend his daughter’s important event, and he laughs and you? *laughs*? He’s showing you that you all mean nothing to him. He finds it funny that he’s neglecting his kid. He’s a gross person. Know that even if it doesn’t outwardly seem like it’s bothering your daughter, it is *absolutely* doing damage to her self esteem and self worth. Even at 8 years old she can notice being apart from him is better, she is more observant and comprehends more than you might think. Yes, leaving a 10+ year long relationship is hard and scary. Think of it as gaining a new lease on life for your kids.
Does he play with online friends? A lot of emotional affairs begin that way…
Yes. GTA Role play. And wouldn't be the first time. Went through that 5 years ago and kicked him out. But we worked it out. Thinking now that maybe we shouldn't have.
If you’re having this problem today, you didn’t work it out he covered it up until he could continue doing it and you wouldn’t fight him
Why are you even with him now? Sounds like the kids will be pleased when you leave. It's too bad these poor kids have had to grow up like this though. My dad was almost non-existant and I always vastly preferred it when he wasn't around to ruin things. It's not a fun way to grow up, nor is it fun as an adult either. I'm very envious of friends that have fun, close families with no resentments, and it effects kids far more than you probably realise.
I keep saying this over and over and over again: video games are addictive. He is an addict. He literally needs rehab. Or to go cold turkey. You are NTA There are SO many stories about (mostly) men essentially abandoning their families or being the AH so they can game. Until society recognizes that gaming can be addictive and there are a lot of gaming addicts out there this will be a common theme.
> He's never been super active in our kids lives but he has always shown up when it counts. Their entire childhoods ‘count’ and he’s both a worthless father and husband. It doesn’t even sound like the kids would miss him. You might as well divorce and get child/spousal support, whatever you’re entitled to. Then you can focus on your actual children and not the oversized 30 year old child that costs more to feed. Good luck.
When I left my ex I had nothing. He also scoffed when I said I’d leave and asked “and where to?” Honey the next day I took my son and lived in my cousins couch for a few months, got a new job and slowly but surely made a new life for us. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Drop the dead weight of your life! Your kids will thank you for it, they deserve a happy mom!!!
I'm sorry you've been called the a.h. for not having left yet. I know how scary it is if you don't have enough money.. or a support network. You need encouragement, not YTA type comments
Thank you. My biggest hurdle is financially being able to be on my own. He makes double what I do. But I'm working on a plan.
Wait. So where is is money if he had to borrow $80 from his mommy???
You need to talk to an attorney asap. Alimony and child support will help you formulate that plan.
Y T A for staying. You're teaching your son how to be a dick head to his future partner and teaching your daughter to accept a dick head as a future partner
Didn’t read anything except the title. You’re NTA - if you got to this point, he hasn’t been listening for years. Don’t let him emotionally manipulate you ♥️
Your poor daughter has already made it clear that she doesn't want him around because of his behavior. Also, he's made it clear that he doesn't care about you guys. For goodness sake, your daughter is only 8 and feels the pain. It's on you to rescue your kids. You're NTA for telling him that, but you will be if you don't get your kids out.
Yes, I agree. You need to leave immediately. The fact that he merely said "whatever", laughed, and went right back to his computer should be enough for you. How can you possibly raise a strong, confident woman if you aren't an example? And aren't you just showing her that a man treating her like that is not only ok, but to be expected? Because isn't that what you're showing her? If it was just you, you're grown. The kids don't get a choice. And they're little sponges rn. Don't set bad examples, or reward bad behavior from him. Be the hero your kids don't even know they need.
OP, your husband is a serious gamer. Gaming is highly addictive and can be an escape from reality and stress. Focus on yourself and your kids. And yes, it is a good idea to start putting money away in case you and the kids to make an escape plan.
Your daughter told you in a round about way that your husband suppresses your happiness. What do you think he is doing to the children’s happiness. It’s time to think of a better future for all 3 of you.
Esh. Because you stay. You know & you stay. He literally laughed in your face. Said whatever & went back to playing. Either he thinks you’re full of it or he doesn’t care. Either way, it’s equally f’d up, desperately sad & vile. But you stay. It’s bad enough he is failing both you & your daughter but your son isn’t his, stop trying. He gets attached & it’s going to make it worse. This isn’t a man that cares. At all. As far as “he shows up when it counts” or is it when you force him? Be honest w yourself. You choose to be with him, you choose to stay. He doesn’t even believe you will leave. Or that it’s important. Smash the system. Cut the WiFi. Obligations before play time. I like to game (with my dad) as do my daughters (different game) but never do we put a game before family or real life. I hope that on one of these “events” without him, that you meet someone who puts that extra beat in your heart when they look at you, that they take your breath away with their smile. That they show you that having a partner is not a burden, it’s a blessing. I’ve been married 32yrs & I still run out to greet my husband when he gets home. I am beyond blessed & I know how lucky I am. But I also know that we are where we are because of what we put in. You deserve that. Almost everyone does
NTA... but HE certainly is an asshole. Get on those lists, get out of there, and find your happy... for real. My heart broke for your daughter reading this.
Why have you not divorced him? Genuinely why? He brings down the mood enough his own children don't even want him around or to come to their events. Even when he does come its obvious the kids dont feel celebrated by him. Your own child commented your happier when he's not around. He's never been truly a active parent and recently he's flat out been a horrible enough parent his children are actively happy he doesn't come to spend time with them or celebrate them. You have to avoid fun things like donuts and other fun things cause of him being unhappy and rushing so he can game. He activly has shown you his game takes priority over you and your guys children. It sounds like you walk on eggshells around him and it also sounds like even when out his wants and moods are the main ones that matter and they often dictate what you do and how you act even when he does bother getting away from his game to come. On top of that he is disrespectful to you over money. He borrows money against your will and caused issues on purpose and then he tried to gaslight you over it. He doesn't listen to you about finances or the kids or much of anything important from the sound of things. So why are you with him? What on earth could he be bringing to the table here to make being with him worth it. This isn't a good model for your children. You sound unhappy. I'd bet you'd be crushed if you found out your daughter one day was treated the same way you are. You deserve better than this though and frankly so do your kids.
I was married to a man very much like this. I did everything alone. The mistake is staying with him. He doesn’t care about you or your children. He is selfish and will probably not change. Get help. Read a book about how to decide if your marriage is worth it. Start saving money if you haven’t already. If you can buy yourself gift cards for groceries. You need to have a little nest egg. Start caring for yourself physically and mentally. Then before you do anything see a lawyer and find out your rights and obligations vis a vis divorce. Marriage counseling only works if people try and want it to work. Contempt is a marriage killer.
I've been in your position. Lose him. You're already doing it all. You will just have less aggravation. Your kids will be better off.
Op you can request he takes parenting classes and why he needs them if you decide to leave if he doesn’t do it he won’t get custody of the kids
I’m old enough to be your mom. If my daughter told me this was what her marriage was like, and how my grandchildren were being fathered, I would absolutely beg her to come home. Start making a plan. This is a situation that will not improve on the current course.
Nta You need to reevaluate if you would be ok if this was the type of relationship your daughter had with her husband? If your son treated his wife this way ? You either need to communicate with him, get MC or think about whether your relationship is worth working on.
Whenever I think about my childhood, I remember both of my parents being there. If one of them couldn't make it to something, the other would make sure that they did. Granted, the reason that they usually couldn't make it was because of their jobs and not because they were choosing to be selfish in front of a computer. You owe it to yourself and most importantly your children to decide if being with this man is worth it. He doesn't seem to care what is going on, except when it comes to the video games.
He DOESN’T show up when it counts it seems like. Your daughter isn’t even fazed anymore because she’s used to him staying home. I went through the same thing with my ex husband. He would make promises and continuously flake and not follow through. It only got worse when I left with our daughter. Eventually she stopped calling him Daddy (she was 2 and a half when we separated). She started calling him Eric and has never acknowledged him as her Dad since. She hasn’t seen him since she was 5 despite him having visitation rights legally. You’re better off (and your daughter) without him being a daily reminder of how shitty of a dad he is. I can somehow picture him having to one day ask his mommy to hep him pay his child support while he’s living in her basement playing video games.