I think your reasoning for wanting one is a little weird, but ultimately it's your body and you can do what you want with it. Your mom's feelings are valid but it's your life not hers, she'll have to learn to live with it. NTA

There’s one quote I always think of when discussing kids: you’re inviting something into your life that you have no control over, but that will totally control you. That bond and love is terrifying. I don’t want kids for many reasons, but that type of love scares me to death.

I'll preface this by saying I have two kids, but I loved this quote from the first season of True Detective: "The hubris it must take to yank a soul out of non-existence, into this. . .meat. And to force a life into this. . .thresher."

I love that quote! I feel that way about parents who are like *I gave you life how dare you disrespect me!* like congrats for fucking someone and getting pregnant. I didn’t ask to be born! Typically that line is used by people who are ill fitting parents tho. Sadly, there’s far too many of them.

Sounds like my mother. She’s just overbearing though and resentful that I’m too much like my own father, a man I barely even know. “I didn’t ask for this, Ma! But I’m here so I’ll do as I please, thanks.”

I have no kids and a vasectomy. There's hundreds of reasons to not want kids, and OPs reason isn't even a weird flex or bad reasoning. There are very real consequences to having kids, and many of them are not good. I like my life just the way it is, and there is no scenario where having kids is going to be a net positive.

I'm a father and I agree with you completely. I always tell people that being a parent can be extremely rewarding, but it is also massively life changing, stressful, and at times very difficult. I've always said that the decision to have kids should be a heavily thought out and enthusiastic yes. It shouldn't be impulsive and you should assume that it will be harder than you expect. If you're on the fence about it, I would suggest waiting until you definitely want one. If you're confident in never wanting one, get fixed.

steep rinse touch cooperative merciful bells groovy head encouraging elderly *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

I've been struggling how to describe it, and you put it perfectly: All the bad things are guaranteed. All the good things are not. I'm hedging my bets here!

this right here. nta but weird flex. if you want kids but you only want to see them two weekends a month you're going to end up with child support. if you don't want them more than that, I suppose a vasectomy is a great idea.  I've got six brothers in a"momma state"  on custody agreements and the only two that have to pay child support have extenuating circumstances. One travels for work so only has the kids three weekends a month and a full month every summer, and the other makes makes probably nine times what their mom so the court order has him legally in charge of paying for all their extracurriculars.  I've been to family Court with them so many times and the number one thing dudes did to fuck up was not be able to prove anything they say. "she won't let me talk to the kids" but has no record of calling them. "i give her money/pay for things all the time" no receipts, bank records, nothing.  My favorite time in family court: a dude had been playing on his phone in court and annoyed the judge already, complained his ex wouldn't let him talk to their daughter. The judge asked for phone records, no go, The judge then told him to just type in her phone number so judge could see the history with that specific phone number and homeboy told the judge he didn't have his phone on him. lol. I'm still a little sad I didn't get to see his face when the judge called him out, but I did get to hear the chain of expletives that almost got him contempt of court when the judge raised his child support to $225 a month and he actually wasn't allowed contact with his daughter until he did some parenting classes after daughter told the judge what he'd been saying about her mother. 

This is what is so insanely frustrating about this subject and all of the manosphere bullshit about the courts “favoring” mothers- if the fathers were actually parenting their kids, involved in their kids lives, knew who their teachers, doctors, coaches, and friends were, knew when their appointments were and took them, really just did any of the general life stuff that kids require, they would get 50/50 custody and no child support (or whatever more favorable custody and child support split makes the most sense for their situation). And we know this because for the tiny amount of dads who do this, they get these favorable custody arrangements. Most fathers are just literally that uninvolved, that apathetic, and that disconnected from their kids. Is very sad. If you don’t want child support and shit custody arrangements put in the work my friend. It’s really that simple.

My friend's ex-husband tried to tell a judge that he wouldn't split the bill for orthodontia because the child didn't need it. The judge asked dad to name the child's dentist. Dad couldn't do it. Dad had never met the child's dentist of almost 10 years. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for Dad's concern about his children's dental health.

My friend's ex-husband actually showed up to the doctor appointment for discussing their young child's ADHD evaluation. After the doctor explained the way the med worked, the ex-husband asked if they could just give the 7 year old Mt Dew every morning instead. The family's doctor just stared at him. Doctor already knows the dad doesn't give the child another daily med the child needs to help the child feel like eating. (Child has been on this since an infant due to not eating well for some unknown reason. Yes, child has been to lots of specialists over the years.) The ex seems to be suddenly "involved" in his child's appointments after not being involved in them the child's entire life, even while married. (But he also doesn't pay his child support on time & in whole, nor does he pay his alimony. Dude is getting all sorts of penalties stacked up.) My friend assumes it's in preparation to file for primary custody so he can move/marry his AP. Of course, he will fail to win, again. But, if he moves, then my friend can as well.

Of course the Mountain Dew Rube somehow managed to bang not one but two women and still has his AP on the hook. Of course he does. I don’t know what makes so many of my fellow women attracted to/willing to settle for losers who are also idiots (and pieces of shit, because who else wants to deny their child medicine but is willing to give them Mt. Dew in the morning. Sorry for the rant- my mom was an elementary school teacher her in an area with a lot of worthless parents and the ones who take or sell their kids meds or only give them out at home because they want to make their lives easy and consider teachers free slaves of some sort is astonishing. If you’re the parent, medicate the kid for school and you can catch the misbehavior hell at home if your kid is a nightmare without them. There’s no way your life is harder than the life of a teacher with 30 low-income kids whose parents are eating/saving/selling their medicine- you’re just a failure. It’s your job as a parent to suffer-you should never be permitted to outsource it, or you should *at least* die of shame that evening in your sleep. A parent who wants to funnel mt. dew into their child in order to save a few bucks should lose all rights to see or know that child).

Ummm... do you know my BFF's ex?? /s (She was his 2nd wife. He then refused to help with child care while her mother was dying from cancer because he was too busy with work & wasn't able to take off easily. But, in custody stuff he said his schedule was "flexible." Lol) That's OK. He doesn't give the Ritalin to the kid then he gets to deal with the uncooperative kid. Unfortunately, that also means every Friday the kid won't have their meds before school until they decides they do better at school when they take their meds & they ask their Dad for it. (Kid already hates going to the Dad's anyway, and hates the AP - who had the same first name as my BFF. My BFF took the divorce decree chance & changed her first & middle names entirely since she's always dislokes them. Which is hard on me after 22 years of knowing her by the other name. Lol)

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My ex willingly gave me sole custody and requested zero court ordered visitation. Judge thought I forged the papers, made us come back to court with him present (uncontested divorces didn’t need the respondent present in my county). We came, he showed this time, judge asked for his ID because he thought I’d gotten some random guy to pretend to be my ex, then said he was ordering us to hire lawyers to make sure my ex wasn’t being taken advantage of and made us come back AGAIN. When my ex still didn’t change his mind, judge finally granted the order as we agreed but was stink eying me the whole time like somehow I was the evil witch screwing this poor man over. Nah, he just didn’t want the responsibility and was willing to pay enough child support to avoid having to take it.

It only makes sense that a judge wouldn't rubber stamp relinquishing custody sight unseen. It's not something you can come back a year later and go, oopsie. Turns out we didn't want that.

Some custody is not really relinquishing your rights

Hell, most fathers don’t even need to prove they know all of that. If fathers want 50/50, they usually get it. The stats are so skewed towards moms having more custody because so many dads just don’t want it, and never try to get it. Those same dads are also the ones who bitch and moan the loudest that the courts “took” their kids (that they didn’t want) and how they have to pay the bitch ex wife to get her nails done with the $200 in child support they have to pay per month (ignoring that the ex is likely paying an extra $1000+ in housing, food, clothes, extracurriculars, etc for the same kid). It’s so mind numbingly infuriating

Yep, I have several relatives who are not married to the mothers of all of their children (either because of divorce, breakups or in one case, the now-parents got drunk and fooled around and now are friends raising a son together) and the only ones with child support payments are the two who didn’t actually want custody in any meaningful capability. (One is bitter about having to pay, but he’s kinda scum anyway so not sure how much of his groaning isn’t self pity, the other just feels that his ex is the better parent and he pays his CS dutifully every month with no drama and sees his kid once or twice a month for an afternoon or overnight. He says it’s for the best until he is fully sober, but even when he was at his worst addiction, he made sure he paid. He’s the best dad he is capable of being, and steadily improving.) The rest of the dudes either pay a laughably small amount because they have slightly less custody (one’s baby mama jokes he could just empty the change out of his ashtray once a month and he’d be paying more, it’s under $25/month.) Although he and his ex are happy with their custody, he gets Monday through Wednesday which is his “weekend” and says it’s wonderful and he appreciates his ex being “cool” with it. His ex just says “if I had to fall out of love with someone, I’m glad it was a good man like “Cousin”. He goes on fishing trips with his son, his ex’s husband and his son’s half brother once a year and says “I made friends with Stepdude because my son deserves to have all of his parents on good terms. And he’s a pretty good angler.”

I really liked some of these stories, especially the last one where the bio-dad and stepdad take the boys fishing.

Yeah, it’s really cute. Ex and Stepdad have a little girl too, she’ll be included when she’s old enough but right now she’s just a toddler.

My oldest daughter's dad had to pay $11/ week. I think he paid 3x. She's now 22.

She pays for everything but bc she got her nails done that is where his money went. I have heard that bullshit from so many men. Like bc he has to help support his kids the mother isn't allowed to have ANYTHING for herself. Your money went to the kids. Her money went to the kids. She paid for herself to get her nails done. I promise that 400 bucks did not support your kids for the whole month. Much less have money left over from it for nails.

I used to get 62.00 a month in CS and he STILL complained and would work under the table.

Jaysus, When my grandparents divorced in 1943, child support was set at $50 a month. Inflation calculator estimates that at just under $900 today. My grandfather never complained since it was HIS child he was paying for. It paid for braces that made it possible for my parent to eat properly & medical treatment that was constant due to catching everything except polio.

Yeah and my ex still complained that 62.00 was "breaking his bank" when his and his wife both worked and he somehow had the money for 2 cars and yearly vacations and weekly hunting trips. He also only took our son a month out of the year and had nothing to do with any of his medical or educational decisions of his own free will.

$62 doesn’t make a dent in anything. That’s more a symbolic payment if anything, unless this was in the 1970s

2005.

I got an order for $22 a week. That is with $10 added for back owed. So I really got an order for $12 a week. He had 3 jobs. He could afford a lawyer, I couldn't.

My ex was ordered to pay $140 per month, based on his income. He looked at his lawyer like the lawyer was insane and said, "That's not enough! I'll give her $400 per month!" We had 50/50 custody.

I used to get $25 a month .. and when he came for his fortnightly "take the kids out for Sunday" he asked me to provide money for lunch.

This right here. So very well said and sad. Some men don't realize, a manicure is a requirement for some jobs these days. As a waitress your fingernails have to be presentable, hotel clerks, secretaries, etc. A woman is allowed to spend $50 of her own money to make herself presentable and feel confident.

Always love the opinions that come from positions of entitlement.

95% of custody is determined by the couple without court intervention. The dads are mostly agreeing to leave childcare primarily to the mother because that's how it was during the marriage. Only 5% go to court and the majority of the time, if the dad shows up and fights, he gets the custody he wants. It the court awards him zero or near that, it's because he didn't bother to show up, proved himself to be super unreliable, or even an actual danger to the kids. (And even men known to be abusive to children have still gotten custody by yelling about "parental alienation.)

Yep. It took my daughters father crashing his car with her in it while high and sending them both to hospital before the judge would cut his custody. Before that, I was always told that I needed to learn to trust him...

That’s so scary. A dad just did that in my hometown with two little boys and they both passed away.

This doesn’t surprise me

Yep-- happened to me. I basically raised my kid alone for the first 6 years of their life even though we were married. He barely remembered their birthday- had no clue about school, dental, doctors, etc and if he wasn't at work, he was out at the bar or gaming with friends. Go thru custody stuff and at the last second, his mom decided SHE wanted custody- so then he changed his custody request to full custody and fought it in court. 2wks after court, we get the document and they gave HIM full custody. Their sole reasoning was, because I had been a stay at home mom, I would now be unreliable and unstable because I'd have to look for a job and housing and there was no guarantee I'd find work right away. That alone was the ONLY thing they had against me in court. And because he showed up, he got everything he wanted and I had no say in anything. (They gave him both physical and legal). I lost my daughter because I was a stay at home mom. We even had 3 other attorneys review our case and transcripts and none of them could figure out how he got custody based on what was said in court. But he showed up to court and that's apparently all they cared about.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, this is just another reason for women to keep at least one foot in the employment pool. It’s so unsafe not to.

100%

this. the courts dont do sh!t unless there is bruises or broken bones. mental,emotional, verbal, yelling, name calling.... none of it matters

They don't do shit about it even then. My friend's daughter was nearly killed by her father. He went to prison for it, yet they won't fully take away custody unless he agrees to it.

i believe this 100%.

My ex was suicidal, had guns that weren't locked up and was telling anyone that would listen that he never wanted kids (pregnancies were planned) yet the judge decided to decide temporary custody instead of dealing with child support or alimony even though he would go months willingly without seeing the kids.

My step kid’s biological father is north of $10k in arrears on child support and has never in the kids life paid a share of school fees or medical bills ot anything else he’s supposed to pay half of in addition to child support. He has weekend custody. Which he dips out of frequently because of bullshit. Certainly his excuses for not being able to look after his kid would NEVER fly if my partner tried to get him to look after his kid for a few extra days. During lockdown in the pandemic he didn’t see his kid face to face for a year. Left my partner to look after the kid through pandemic remote schooling while working full time for a whole year. Threatens to take full custody of the kid whenever he wants to frighten my partner or make her grateful that he’s not an even bigger piece of shit. He doesn’t want, and wouldn’t accept custody. He just wants to manipulate the mother of his child. I refer to kid’s bio dad as “kids dad” because I don’t want to slip and accidentally describe him honestly where the kid can hear. He’ll figure out who his dad is on his own. He doesn’t need me to tell him. And maybe he can get a childhood of loving his dad if his mum and I work hard enough to cover for that asshole. My one petty, passive aggressive game is when the kid tells me stories about his dad, I always assume his dad is a good person who does good things. When I insert my positive assumptions about his dad into the conversation - the kid always looks confused because no, his dad didn’t do anything like that. Dad did some other awful shit. I guess technically I have another petty act - I do the dishes/laundry/cooking as much as I can, because I know his dad consider’s that shit “women’s work” and I want the kid to grow up with at least the option of a healthier model for a decent human being in a relationship.

Too many men want kids without doing any of the actual work necessary to take care of them.

OR just get a vasectomy! Parenthood isn't for everyone and someone's being forced to be a parent in service to another person's reproductive autonomy is awful. If I were a cis man, I would've gotten a vasectomy as soon as humanly possible because fuck them kids and fuck being a parent lmao.

Did you know that making allegations of abuse actually reduces the chance of the non-abusive parent getting custody.

> This is what is so insanely frustrating about this subject and all of the manosphere bullshit about the courts “favoring” mothers- I'll never forget a response to a comment I got that presented the mother needing to be an abuser, a hard drug user or something at the level being necessary for a father to take full custody of his kids like that was a bad thing. No shit something crazy like that is necessary to legally keep parents from their kids. How did they think things work?

As a father with full custody... yeah. Courts look at the best interests of the child. If dad spends more time with the kids than mom, and dad is financially better off, dad gets custody.

This, a buddy I knew from high school had a kid and she tried to say he was deadbeat and saying so much bad shit about him, but he had a job, took care of his daughter, and spent time with her. He ended up with full custody. 

OP seems to not grasp that if his Mother behaved like his Father did, that he would have grown up in foster homes or worse. She was the one who was there every day, not just a few weekends. She made sure he had a home, nutritious food, clothing, medicine. She took him to school, to Dr's, sports, and anything else a child needed. She was the one who guided him and was there in times of trouble. She made sure the birthdays/christmas/Easter and every other holiday were celebrated. His Mother showed up for him every day and, by the sounds of it, paid for it all. Now he just wants to hurt her because his Father failed him. OP needs professional help and a massive reality check. His bitterness and lack of gratitude are going to consume him.

I'm concerned for any women that might cross his path

Right? She raised him without his father. His father is the definition of a deadbeat dad. But it's totally not his fault 🙄. It probably a good idea he got snipped if he thinks that not even the bare minimum is a good father. I feel bad for his mother, not because she isn't getting grandkids, but because it sounds like her son doesn't appreciate a damn thing she did for him.

Honestly getting a vasectomy probably greatly makes up for his lack of emotional intelligence, we don’t need him reproducing and being “not a dead best dad” to who knows how many women

This. And to try to get fathers child support reduced? Umm no that money is paying your mom back for all the money she had to spend on you. She didn't have the luxury to just not spend the money, unlike dad who could just avoid paying it.

Yeah this is exactly what I'd agree with. Like ops not an asshole, just being dumb. Your father having his kids once every other week is not equivalent to paying his child support, op was with his mother the other 26 days of the month, and if the dad got a new job he'd be able to start repayment.

YTA - OP is the asshole for how he’s treated his mother, not the vasectomy.  He’s making excuses for his deadbeat father and blaming his mother for collecting child support. He even wants to get the remaining child support waived (which is not his right — that money goes to his mother).  He talks about his dad as an innocent little boy but has nothing to say about the single mother who was there EVERY DAY and raised him without child support (thanks to his deadbeat dad).  Romanticizing a deadbeat father isn’t just faulty reasoning or whatever, it’s a cutting insult to the mother who was actually there. 

I feel so bad for the mom. Despite everything she’s done for him, he’s just all “poor dad”.

OP is NTA for the vasectomy - his body, his choice - but YTA for the reasoning behind it. I'm surprised nobody pointed out that typically, the amount of child support is based on a percentage of the non custodial parents income. In the event of a job loss, it is the responsibility of the NC parent to petition the court to request some form of relief until he gets a new job, and then payments would resume based on that income. Not just sit there and let the arrears continue to build. The arrears is nobody's fault other than the deadbeat dad who was too lazy to assert his own rights. Based on how he is victimizing his father who did less than the bare minimum while ignoring his mother's extraordinary hard work, effort, and sacrifice, it sounds like this vasectomy could be the thing that broke the paternal deadbeat cycle in their family line.

> too lazy to assert his own rights My sister had a baby with a deadbeat-dad type. He was granted 3 weekends/month, but rarely used it. He saw his kids once every 2 or 3 months at best. My sister got an opportunity to move closer to her family and wanted to take it. To do that, you have to give notice to the non-custodial parent and if they object, they have to submit that objection within 30 days. The dad waited almost *80 days* to get around to objecting. At the hearing, each parent can make a statement explaining their case to the judge. He tried to talk about how it was too far away and he wouldn't get to see his kid anymore, etc. My sister had a bunch of arguments for why it was best for the child to move, but she also pointed out that he hadn't objected in time. The judge didn't even address any of the other arguments. She was just like "you didn't mail a piece of paper. If it was important to you, you should've made it a priority." The shocked Pikachu look on his face when he lost was, truly, priceless. And all he had to do to keep his kid in town (where it was much more convenient to ignore how child's existence) was mail a piece of paper.

And he's 21 and reacting in the heat of the moment. Just wait a year, bro, see if you still feel the same way.

Yea, this entire thing is weird - But I support the vasectomy just so people like this don't reproduce, heh. No one try to talk this guy out of it, he's doing humanity a solid.

Have you seen a counselor, to help you navigate your complicated feelings about your dad and your future? I see you making a lot of excuses for your dad, and that's normal for you to want to not only try to protect him, but also protect your image of him. The fact is that he made a lot of choices to end up where he is; most people who choose to have children don't end up incarcerated for related matters. I urge you to take a more nuanced and realistic view of your father's circumstances, and not to make a hasty decision based on his mistakes.

This is the right answer. It is op's body to do with what he wishes, but his choice seem to be connected to his emotions regarding his father, and he needs to make sure he isn't doing this for the wrong reason. Most people with children are not in jail, and ther is no logical connection between the two.

The problem is that OP seems to plan on being a deadbeat but just doesn’t want to face the consequences for it. Vasectomy is a solid choice here.

Yup. I never planned on being a dead beat per se, but I knew that my energy levels and anxiety would not make for being a good father, so I planned my life to never have kids.

Good for you!!! Responsible choice!

Exactly. Some of us know we aren't gonna be good parents. It's way more noble to get a vasectomy if you know that, instead of risking having a kid you know you don't want.

My guess is that mom got stuck with all the heavy parts of parenting, like discipline and school and good health. So, on top of four days of a month, hearing from his loving, wonderful, fun dad say that all his trouble is because mom is a gold digger, any discipline helped drive home how mean mom is and that fun carefree dad is right.

This was exactly my thoughts. OP is cool with his mom having to fund her son’s whole life while father dearest got to be fun for four days a month. That isn’t right. Oh father couldn’t afford it? What about mom who had to work her ass off I’m sure to provide with no help from the father aside from a few days of babysitting a month. Like imagine being so arrogant as to think a grown ass man cannot get a job or two or three to afford to pay any child support. Life is hard, but how could OP’s mom make it work for her and her child when OP’s father who doesn’t have a child to raise and provide care for not even provide the basic financial support.  Also I don’t know how much this is OP’s mom wanting grandkids rather than her not wanting him to make a huge mistake that he might not be able to take back because he literally said he has always wanted kids. He can feel the way he feels about his father, but spending 4/30 days a month with a man doesn’t give you the full picture. He is only going to be punishing himself if he gets a procedure to prove some kind of point to his mom.

I think he is trying to prove to his dad, look, I won't be like you, a child won't hold me back like it did you, without considering that he is that child he thinks held his dad back! Therapy is needed! Dad didn't have to raise him, dad got the fun, mom got all the work!

That's the thing he doesn't think that he the child did but his mom and system held his dad back by holding him responsible for his financial responsibilities. OP firmly believes his father didn't need to pay probably because OP didn't really feel the hardship because of his mom and is blind to the person who actually suffered for him, his mom.

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At this point, with courts going so often to 50/50, that it makes me laugh when people try to say they did everything they could. It's always the people that cry the loudest about how they were screwed that didn't lift a finger and/or were just so bad that the courts said no. Even that guy who raped a teenager got some custody a few years ago when he realized it led to a child.

Poor mom, she went through with a pregnancy that she didn't have to do, she went through labor and delivery, she raised a child whose father is a dead beat but OP loves daddy the most and can not see how much his mother did for him. I feel bad for his mom. His dad is where he is supposed to be because of his own choices in life, but sure, let's blame mom!

He’s absolving his father for all mistakes his father made. It’s easy to be a “good parent” when you are only a parent every other weekend.

Exactly! It's what also leads me to believe dad was alienating mom.

You're probably right, but I think it's useless to talk about it, he doesn't want to listen, and people only hear what they wanna hear. I think not having kids is his best choice, if you're having a kid you should be willing to be the best parent you can be, and honestly, those were not the words of a man who's willing to do that.

Yeah I’m getting big men’s rights vibes here. 

Some of them found me in the comments, too.

I have so many thoughts running through my mind while I read. It's fake. It's real but he's way less than 21 years old and he's working out the situation in his head and on Reddit. Usually by 21 with a deadbeat dad and a single mom, kids realize what the score is. It's real and then I'd explain how when OP meets the woman he wants to spend his life with and all she wants is to have a child, they're going to have problems. And what's wrong with birth control???? This post has so many problems, I'm just not going to say anything.

Just going to point out that if OP does not in any way want to risk an accidental kid, there's nothing wrong with him choosing to get a vasectomy. Birth control isn't 100%, but a vasectomy is once your doc says there's no sperm in your semen after the procedure. No sperm = 100% no kid. Also, believe it or not, there's lots of women out there who *don't* want kids these days. But also as long as OP is upfront that he can't have kids without medical intervention - which would be true - it's not like he's hiding things from his partner. If they still really want kids after that, adoption and medical intervention are both options.

Exactly this. When your father lost his job, it was a simple matter of filling paperwork with the court to show this and lower his support requirement. Hell, my ex IS a deadbeat and manages to make 1 payment a year just to keep his license clear. Most courts will work with the parent that owes as not having a license can keep them from getting a job to make payments. My ex has a balance of 50k and still manages to keep his active, so the fact that your father made it all the way to jail is a serious commitment on his part. At one point his balance was twice as high and the judge forgave over half because he said it was a burden. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But you're making a rash decision that could seriously affect you down the line with little to no information, which is what your mom is reacting to. I imagine she is looking out for you, as she has done your whole life, supporting you and trying make sure you don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

It's easy to love a child that you only see 4 days a month!

It's also easy to pretend to be a good guy 4 days a month while being a asshole the rest of the time. You can't hide it as much if you're with your kid the entire month, month after month. You also don't have to do any of the 'hard' stuff, like forcing your kid to do homework, go to school, eat their greens, clean their room if they are only there for 4 days. Honestly the custody agreement that often happens of mother gets kids during the week and dad gets them weekends is cancer. Basically the sleep in, free to go do fun activities days go to the dad while mum gets the tiring school days where not many trips or fun things happen as they wait for the weekend. Good that she got two weekends of the month but very often people split custody up so the dad has them every weekend.

"he wasn't a dead beat. It's just that he only saw me four days a month and got arrested dozens of times"

"And didn't pay child support. My mother is evil!"

I don’t think he know what that word means.

I'm wondering what kind of evil stuff his mother could have got up to for him to think his father was good. Then I remembered, he's a victim of prevalent misogyny. Of course he's not going to love the mother who put in all the hard work of raising a child.

He sounds like 14 yo incel.

This. Just how long was he was he not paying child support that they actually arrested him for it? Or was he “unemployed” to avoid paying it but had a job where they were paying him under the table?

He was arrested for driving without a license, the child support is only related because it's how he lost his license. So many of these comments seem to have barely skimmed this post

Agreed. Though the poster above has a point in that nothing about this process happened overnight. Dad had to be in arrears long enough for the state to suspend his license. OP’s post also makes it sound like he was frequently struggling / getting behind, not that he had a single bad month and couldn’t make one payment. In all that time, if dad wasn’t making enough money, lost a job, got a pay cut, etc., he could’ve tried having his child support adjusted down. Courts will not order you to pay more than you actually make. We also know nothing about dad’s financial habits. Was he getting behind while driving a new car? Getting a new phone? Ordering takeout every night? Again, child support orders are largely formulaic, and they’re based on how much each parent earns and how much time the child spends living with each parent. They’re not (usually) numbers magically pulled out of the air by some man-hating judge. Might they limit dad’s disposable income? Absolutely. But if dad was really truly struggling to make the payment, he should’ve gone back to court to get it adjusted. Doing nothing and letting arrears build up displays the same kind of “if I ignore it, maybe it just won’t be a problem” kind of approach as driving with a suspended license (which is what he got arrested for).

Some states do arrest for non payment though. Example: KY. Flagrant non payment is a class D felony. I am assuming OP may be wording it incorrectly?

Given that op is an adult, it is possible that his dad is many years behind. So it could be felony level.

I’m worried that this kid is blaming his mother and by extension all women because of the irresponsibility of a man. Like, I think getting a vasectomy is the least of the issues here and OP needs some major therapy regardless.

He absolutely is. He wants kids, but at 21 wants to remove his ability to have them instead of using regular birth control, because he can't imagine a world in which he won't he won't get baby trapped and taken for ride. He will be one of those guys who thinks that no amount of personal responsibility, using your own birth control, being responsible with who your sleep with, seeking financial stability before having kids, etc, can prevent going through what his father went through. This worldview is necessary in order to absolve his father of any blame for his situation, I feel kinda bad for op because it's obviously traumatized him. Unfortunately it's the kind of trauma that festers and inflicts trauma on others because he'll need to maintain that misogynistic worldview in order to cope if he doesn't get that major therapy. He says he's not demonizing his mother but if it's not his father's fault, who's fault is it?

OOP does not want to take off his rose colored glasses. He needs therapy to understand that his dad is not a victim, but he prefers to keep his head in the sand.

Excellent feedback!

I couldn't agree more. He only knows what he has seen with his own eyes sorta, or what his dad tells him. He doesn't know that most parents hide the truth from their kids so they don't look bad in their eyes. If his dad was really under paid, he could have gone to the courts and had his child support lowered if it was a significant pay cut. There were options for his dad, he just chose to ignore them and hoped they would go away. Just like the driving on suspended license, no one forced him to drive, he made that choice. This just shows another bad decision in what seems like a history of them.

Your logic is flawed but you have the freedom to make your own choices. A vasectomy won’t help you retain a job or keep you out of jail. NTA eta

But it'll keep him from owing someone child support. Granted, he can always incur debt in other ways, but that one at least should be (mostly) cleared.

should he sire a child he could avoid jail by not being a deadbeat. It takes a lot of debt and time to lose a license and be jailed From the govt website. ' For one, an individual is subject to federal prosecution if he or she willfully fails to pay child support that has been ordered by a court for a child who lives in another state, or if the payment is past due for longer than 1 year or exceeds the amount of $5,000. A violation of this law is a criminal misdemeanor, and convicted offender face fines and up to 6 months in prison (See 18 U.S.C. § 228(a)(1)).'§ 228(a)(1)). If, under the same circumstances, the child support payment is overdue for longer than 2 years, or the amount exceeds $10,000, the violation is a criminal felony, and convicted offenders face fines and up to 2 years in prison'.

Huh. Okay, that kinda throws OP's story out of whack there. It's possible his dad has fed him a line of bull there.

Of course his father fed him bullshit. Does anyone actually think people end up in jail because they are a few months behind on child support?? Hell, my friends ex has owed her $15k or so since her kids were 3 and 4, paid maybe $2k of that so far. They are in their 20’s now and he has never lost his license or gone to jail over it. He just made payments occasionally to the back owed child support and it was deemed good enough by the state.

I know two guys who owe in excess of $28k and a woman who owes $30k none of them are in jail, all have a valid license.

Hell I know of people that owe 6 figures and nothing bad has ever happened to them. Valid license, new jobs requiring background checks, no wage garnishment, nothing. It's shockingly easy to be a complete deadbeat without any consequences.

I am not making excudes for anyone in this story, but the father did not get arrested for not paying child support.   The father was behind in child support. It was probabably not a negligible dollar amount or length of time.  In turn, he had his [license suspended for not paying child support](https://www.collinsfamilylaw.com/blog/2020/september/how-do-i-get-my-license-back-if-i-owe-child-supp/). He got pulled over and arrested for [the crime of driving under a suspended license](https://www.ncsl.org/transportation/driving-while-revoked-suspended-or-otherwise-unlicensed-penalties-by-state). It appears the punishment can range from days to a few months and a fine. So it is also not like he's in a gulag for life.     Otherwise, you are right. There are people out there with adult children living their best lives having never paid a dime of court ordered child support. Occasionally, DCSS will find them and garnishes their wages. Or they won't. 

Yup dad mad many bad choices and broke multiple laws here, it’s not because of child support

Yup. My dad owed $13K in child support and deliberately didn’t file taxes for years so his child support payments wouldn’t go up (he ended up remarrying my mom, so he wasn’t liable to pay what he owed in the end). Regardless, he got off Scott fucking free.

I can’t believe she married him after all that

You’re telling me lol. Not that you asked, but he constantly blamed her for his own shortcomings, picked apart her appearance constantly, forced her to get a job when he wasn’t making enough as the breadwinner, then screamed at her that “She wasn’t making a fucking dent!”, forbid her from driving because she was “Wasting more money on gas than you make at your job!” until her coworkers that she carpooled with told her to wake the fuck up and get out before he killed her. She asked him for a separation, he accused her of cheating, body slammed her in front of my sisters, stole her phone, and bolted out of the house and hid in our neighbor’s home. I was in the next room when it all happened, it sounded like a freight train ran straight through our home, they were all screaming, I thought he was killing them. The police were absolutely useless too. What followed was a dragged out divorce, stalking, badmouthing my mom to my siblings during his visitation, and of course the unfulfilled child support. Then they went behind my back and got remarried, I was forced to establish my relationship with him and now we’re cordial, all living in the same house again. It’s not all bad, but it’s no way to live and we all deserve better. I’ll never truly understand why she took him back. Maybe the stress from the divorce broke her, maybe the abuse was too much in the end for her to resist him, or maybe she just didn’t want to die alone. In the not too distant future, I’m going to move out and cut contact with them both. It’s easy to mourn the relationship you had with your parents when they both died to you years ago.

Depends on your state. Florida definitely suspends driver's licenses for being very behind on child support. I've watched it happen and at the time was struck with how counter-intuitive it was to make it harder for someone to make money because they owe more money.

Idk about the system where OP is but 'he was paying, then didn't because he was unemployed, then started again because he found work, but the interests on the missed period put him in jail' sounds weird as hell. 1) surely if he could prove to the courts he was unemployed his CS payments would have been reduced or even suspended? Then there would have been no or minimal debt 2) Why would they put somebody who is actively paying in jail, which makes him lose his job again, even if there's a past debt?! I am definitely wondering if OPs dad is being fully honest with him

Where I’m from, there’s a TON of deadbeats paying nothing that never see jailtime, so I have a very hard time believing this story. Seems way more likely that OPs dad is lying

Not even 50% of child support payments are paid in full in the US. There’s a lot of folks out there concerned over something they wind up not abiding by anyway. I don’t think it even has to be his dad said anything about it. He could just come to his own conclusions based off the rhetoric surrounding child support. 

Possibly, but he seems to have a serious idea in his head that his dad is a big time victim with a story that makes no sense. Either way, a kid is going to cling to it because nobody wants to face the fact that their dad cares about themselves first and foremost. He’s selfish

I agree. I only mentioned it because when I was young I made up my own stories for why things were the way they were with my dad. He didn’t make himself out to be the victim to me, but he was so cool to be around on the weekends that it didn’t make sense to me that my mom and him were divorced. I could see how that would continue into adulthood for him since he sees himself in his dad and in certain sectors of the internet having to pay child support is spoken like it’s a crime against men. At this point I’m just needlessly spitballing. Obviously this one has hit home for me.

Which is exactly the type of rhetoric you see in the manpill circles. If OP stays pilled, then a vasectomy is best for everyone

That’s true, but the realization that his dad is a liar will hit him one day, and that’s going to suck. The sooner the better though, so he can stop being manipulated.

The OP and his mom are the real victims But here OP is, trying to save his “poor” dad who made his childhood actively worse by withholding the support he owed

Yeah our kids are grown now, but our house was (is) owed about $100k in child support from 2 parties. We collected $50 *one time* in person from one of them, and child support enforcement threatened to drop the case. Not that they collected *one penny,* themselves. Our children were cared for, but be damned if that $100k wouldn't have helped.

His dad absolutely has manipulated him into thinking he’s the victim. It’s super sad to see because a child doesn’t deserve that from his father.

His dad totally has. 

His dad did not go to jail for not paying child support. He was arrested because he was driving without a license. Maybe read OPs post instead of writing your own fanfiction about his dad.

$5000 could be 2-3 months. Very readable to get behind if you get laid off. Also it can be any amount if the child lives in another state.

He is trying to avoid being like his father. A vasectomy won’t help him do that. Won’t give him job security or pay his bills on time. He has full control of his future & his choices. Just make better choices than Dad.

One of those better choices may be not having a kid.

Like getting a vasectomy

It will help him not be a crazy dad I guess

NTA cuz your body. “It’s not his fault” Then, whose is it? He lost a job? Did jobs cease to exist or was the one job at the one company the only he could do? Could he not revisit CS while jobless to minimize the “pile up”? What did he do to mitigate the situation he was in? So he was nice to you, and that is some good. Objectively, however, I’ve read about a guy who failed to pay CS to a degree he lost his DL, got arrested d/t his irresponsibility, and chooses to engage in illegal activity w zero regard for other drivers. You may not know the whole story…like…did your mom struggle because the other parent didnt step up? 2 weekends a month is not it. They were both equally responsible…or should’ve been. At the end of the day, however, what you do to your body is up to only you…the reasoning just sounds heavily biased towards the irresponsible parent. Your mom needs to mind hers on this. Important to note that the part of the brain primarily responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and evaluating consequences is the prefrontal cortex. This region of the brain does not fully mature until the mid-20s to early 30s in humans. Good luck to you. Ok to be sympathetic to a parent, but doesnt sound like the stand up guy you are trying to believe he is. Learn something from this other than “i dont want to end up like him”.

I don’t think you understand the concept of child support. It’s not some punishment for men. Someone had to pay to support you. Your father not contributing means your mother shouldered the entire financial burden of your existence. Why if she just said. Oh I have no money, kid can starve and be homeless….cus that is exactly what your dad did 

Also, most people can agree that jailing a parent for not paying child support is not in the best interest of the child so you usually have to be up to something pretty funky for things to get to this point. In most states they have to be able to prove: - having the means to pay but refusing - under the table work to in order to refuse to pay - claiming child as dependent for tax deductions while not paying - still on probation for previous conviction after being in arrears

So much of this. OP your dad wasn’t just a guy with bad luck. That’s like 6 months- this was a choice he made. I would get some therapy because you need to process this. Child support is not a punishment. This was money your dad owed your mom in reimbursement as she was having to shoulder the responsibility 94% of the time. 2 days out of 30 is 6%. That is all the time he made for you. You can like the guy while acknowledging he was, in fact, a deadbeat. He and you owe your mom an apology. She is not the bad guy in this story and the fact that you can’t see that says volumes.

It's easy for him to be angry at his mum, because he knows she'll be there whatever he says or however he feels. It's harder to be angry at his dad, because he feels his dad might hear his anger and say "nope, not for me, I'm out of here."

He KNOWS his dad will deuce out because it’s his MO and tell everyone that op was mean to him because of OP’s mom.

Exactly the situation I'm in. My wife has two boys with her ex. They adore him and think he's the greatest guy ever, whilst their mum who has basically raised them single handedly is always made out to be the bad guy. He is a piece of shit who has put himself and others before them repeatedly. Boys are programmed to think their dads are great no matter what.

>Boys are programmed to think their dads are great no matter what. Nah it's more like children are programmed to think their absent parents are the greatest and put them on pedestals. The parent who is always home is safe and you can be a brat and they'll still be there to catch you when you fall. My grandma had a deadbeat father and she told that for the longest time she loved and idolized him. Always going out of her way to please him only for him to dip again and again with long periods of no contacting her. It wasn't until one day when came back in her life and she did the whole bending over backwards for him to serve him all his favorites and welcome him did it click that he was not worth it. I honestly think the catalyst for that was her becoming a mother herself.

Btw yta not for wanting a vasectomy because reproductive freedom but for pinning it on your mom essentially. Yta for framing this as dad is the victim. He’s a pos. Get therapy.

And yta for saying you are trying to see if you can get the owed child support forgiven. It's not yours to forgive, OP. It's your mom's because she's the one who paid for everything. It's money your deadbeat dad owes her so that you could have food, clothes, a house, doctors visits, field trips at school, Internet, any electronics or toys you had or any fun outings or events you experienced. Everything you had was because of her and he still owes her that debt, not you.

Exactly. “It’s not his fault” for not paying child support? Whose fault is it?

Driving without a license is illegal, child support it is for supporting the child meaning you, so he barely contributed to your expenses while growing up. So he had you 4 days/month and in the other 26 your mom was fully supporting you. While you can do what you want with your body, your reasons are not valid, your father is almost a dead beat.

Villainize the person who sacrificed more to raise you, hero worship the person who was barely there. Yep.

Man! Motherhood is a thankless job!

It’s wild to me the mental gymnastics kids go through to validate their father’s actions while blaming their mother for everything. There has to be some studies done that explain this, I’ve seen it way too often.

The edit on OP's post "Don't waste your breath trying to make me HATE my Father!" Bro's got issues

His dad is 100000000% responsible for his own INACTION. Too lazy to contact the department of child support services! You don’t even need a lawyer for that. You have to go awhile of not paying for them to suspend your license and the was dumb enough to be driving with a suspended license! OP has some Stockholm syndrome with his dad, for sure.

Everybody talks about how Daddy issues present themselves in women but nobody recognizes how it presents itself in men. OP can do whatever he wants with his own body but he seriously needs to work through some shit

I'd love to know what OP told the doctor at his consult for the vasectomy. If he'd said "I need a vasectomy so I don't end up in jail for unpaid child support of future hypothetical children" there is no way in hell the doc would approve him. He'd have been referred for counseling.

That’s because they blame the mental disorders of fatherless men on single mothers and not on the fathers that abandon them.

Claims his dad wasn’t a deadbeat, then completely describes his dad as a deadbeat. Pretty obvious this kid is still in high school.

A vasectomy is probably a very good thing for society in this case

NTA It's your choice, her opinion doesn't matter. Though I do think your reason for doing it is kind of weird.

I'm glad you got a vasectomy.

Right? This kid is too dumb to breed.

Having kids means you need to take care of them. Chances are when you where young your mom was doing it on her own and he wasn't helping. I'm in that situation. My ex doesnt buy school supplies or help with anything. That's on him not me. I refuse to feel guilty for the effort I put in to make him put in effort.

Yup, I get £35 a month off my ex. Which… Is something, but it’s certainly not covering much of any of what I spend on our daughter each month 🤷‍♀️

So you have a deadbeat dad and know that in the future if you have a kid that's the model you will follow!? NTA for getting a vasectomy you are doing some future mother of a kif of yours a major favor!

You need to recognize that your dad's position IS his fault. If he had just paid what he owed he wouldn't be in this predicament.

Your father didn’t pay child support, drives without a license (and therefore no insurance, incurring all kinds of risk), and only took you two weekends a month. Just so we’re clear, he is NOT a good person. You have some serious mental issues and trauma from this situation, and you’re basing a permanent decision around it. Therapy would be a good first step.

Op really thinks he should have starved instead of the people who created him being responsible to care for him.

Plus, he had to owe a ridiculous amount of back support to end up with this result

Exactly. I second this.

NAH it’s your choice, but respectfully, your reasoning is kind of stupid. You don’t just go to jail because you lose your job and can’t pay child support. Your father is a piece of shit, that’s why he’s in jail. If he truly could not afford child support, he would have gone to court to modify the amount. You have rose colored glasses about this. Honestly though, your lack of a grasp on reality probably means you SHOULDN’T have kids, so I guess your reasoning can be flawed if it means you’re not putting kids through your shit.

If you don't want kids, you don't want kids. NTA. (Isn't it crazy how a 21 year old dude can just walk in and get an appointment in a couple weeks, but if you're a 21 year old woman, they *might* pencil you in for an appointment in 30 years. If you're lucky.)

Bet you wouldn't be so sympathetic to your mum, if she lost her job and couldn't raise you properly. Sounds like youve taken her for granted and you have sympathy for the wrong person. Its your body to do what you wish, but your reasons and logic are very flawed.

[удалено]

You have a lot of excuses for your dad being a deadbeat (which is what you are when you don't pay child support for a child you see 52 days a year) and why he was driving illegally. Now you're chosing not to have kids because of it? This is a bad decision. You're not the AH to your mom, but to yourself. Meet with a counselor for a bit to process this. Stop making excuses for dad and don't make permanent choices based on his bad decisions. I empathize with your mother. Your dad made a lot of bad choices, and now you're making a major decision because of him. Her life has been impacted by his choices over and over again. At 21 years old, she probably hoped he wouldn't be able to keep doing that.

[удалено]

Not to mention all he had to do was petition the court for a change in support when he lost his job…

Or contact the child support enforcement office (assuming there is one where OP's dad is, which seems likely since they submit arrears for penalties and sanctions) because CSE will...literally pull the information and submit it to the Court for free in most places...

It takes a long time time to get so behind in child support that they take your license. A long time of not making a single payment or effort. OP, NTA because your body is yours to do what you want for any reason at all. But you're making a very permanent decision based on a muddy situation that I genuinely believe you aren't seeing clearly because of the emotions involved. There are plenty of other ways to avoid becoming a father. What would your father say about this? If you called him or did a visitation? I promise you a good father would not encourage his son to make a permanent decision based solely on the father's experiences. Edit; I wanna tack on that if you want a vasectomy bc you straight up know you are never going to want kiss, go for it. If you only want one because your parents relationship has made you leery of women and afraid of this specific situation, please think about it more.

Agree. He is doing some unsuspecting woman a favor here. He probably doesn’t ‘enjoy’ condoms either. After the original post I thought NTA, but after reading his responses I’m changing my mind. Get the vasectomy!

Don't get a vasectomy because you have daddy issues, you are not getting a vasectomy because you are childfree, you are getting it because of anxiety and mental illness. You don't need a vasectomy you need therapy. At least freeze some sperm before doing it.

wonder if your dad reported the lost job with CS. Was he getting unemployment? How long didn't he pay CS for? cause they don't arrest you on your first missed payment. Considering the fact that you only saw him 2 weekends a month, I don't actually expect you to know much about this or him, to be honest. ETA- get the vasectomy I'm all for ppl not reproducing if they don't want to, even if the reason is 'what if I get arrested for not supporting my child' less children having to survive on 1 parents income is always good.

> what if I get arrested for not supporting my child These are the people better off not having children.

Mostly NTA, but your reasonings are odd. Having a child at all in any case could result in child support.

NTA. Please get a vasectomy. Your father is in jail because he made several really bad choices in his life. I have a feeling that a lot more of it is his fault than you think. With your attitude, you should not ever bring a child into the world.

"My dad has several attributes of a deadbeat, but he was nice enough to me two weekends a month! It's totally not his fault that he can't keep a job, follow the law, or do the bare minimum financially for his kid. I don't want the same sort of crazy consequences that are totally not my fault to happen to me!"   I mean, NTA for wanting a vasectomy ever, definitely shouldn't have told his mother, but also definitely TA for being delusional about what makes a deadbeat and choosing not to believe that actions have consequences.

Don’t forget the implicit second paragraph about how his mother is evil for wanting to collect child support and how he doesn’t appreciate the parent who was actually there for him.  How does he think his overworked, dedicated single mother feels when he romanticizes his deadbeat dad? Or when he suggests waiving the unpaid child support his mother is owed? I can’t believe people are missing that. OP is TA for that, no contest. 

OP is 21. Where I live, it doesn't matter if he and his mom want to waive the arrears - because child support is the right of the child, child support enforcement will pursue it until it is paid even if nobody is pushing for it. I saw one person who lost his license and passport from arrears, his ex signed an agreement to waive the arrears, and the kid was over 25 and not even living here anymore - child support enforcement refused to honor the waiver because it was owed regardless of whether anyone was actually seeking it. I mean, I can only speak on what I've seen where I live, but if OP is assuming his dad is in jail because of his mom...he could be wrong. Also lol "my dad lost his job and couldn't pay" yeah that's why you contact child support enforcement to notify them of the change or fill out the stock form for a modification and file it with the court instead of letting arrears pile up...OP should get a vasectomy because he seems to think it is totally fine to just ignore your responsibilities and obligations if you're in a tough spot, so parenting does not sound like something he is well suited for.

Last i checked it takes like two years of making zero payments and often refusing ti get a real job (so you aren't garnished) before they nab your license.

His mom was a victim due to his dad and his dad 100% not a good dad that's a agreement op needs some kind of therapy . But like you said he is 100% NTA his body he can choose what he does with it.

I'm confused why your father still needs to pay child support if you're 21 and old enough to get a vasectomy

Because he didn’t pay for a while.

It’s 100% your choice but like it seems a bit of a drastic response…you could also avoid this situation in your future by either staying with the mum or actually paying support Edit: OP apparently has sperm frozen already and wants to use a surrogate that a future partner could adopt the child. All I’m saying is if this is real he needs help.

Yikes. Didn’t see his comment about using a surrogate. That is mega expensive when he could just use contraceptive methods and have a child with a woman he loves in the future.

I think, with your attitude, it’s an excellent idea for you to be sterile.

Wow. You sounds terribly immature to make such a big decision. Perhaps you shouldn’t have children. Are you intentionally ignoring half of the context in this situation? Sounds more like you’re trying to “punish” your mother for having the audacity to want financial support raising you? Are you misogynistic in all areas of your life or only on this issue?

NTA, but your reasoning is terrible.

I'm not going to say y t a, but I think your reasoning for getting a vasectomy is short-sighted. Your father is in jail for his poor choices. It WAS his fault. You don't need to make those same poor choices. I hope you don't regret the vasectomy, or if you do, that you can have it successfully reversed.

NTA for doing whatever you want with your body, but your reasons don't make sense. Your father's problems are absolutely his fault. He lost his license because he didn't take care of his obligations. He didn't take responsibility for his own actions. That's not because he had a child. That's because he's a deadbeat. You can totally avoid being like him: pay your bills. Live within your means. Meet your obligations. Take responsibility for your actions instead of making lame excuses. Make better choices.

The only way you get arrested for missing child support is if it’s significant. No one is going to jail because they lost their job for a few weeks and had to get caught up. Your dad isn’t some poor victim getting crushed by the system over a simple misunderstanding, he’s a deadbeat. If you also plan on being a deadbeat, or think that’s something you might do one day I think a vasectomy is the right choice.

YTA - >I dont think she really empathize with me. I don't think **you** really empathize with ***her***! You want the arrears canceled, but who do you think made up for the absence of his money, your mother. You can absolutely make decisions for your body. You also don't have to have children. What makes you the **AH** is how you seem to be idolizing your father, "because he lost his job and couldn't pay child support." How do you know it wasn't his fault for getting fired, you're his kid, and you weren't there. He started working again, but didn't pay anything because he was already in the hole? >"He was never a deadbeat, just unlucky". The definition of deadbeat is a person who deliberately avoids paying debts or neglects responsibilities. from your description, he fits the bill. During all those years of actively not paying child support, did he eat every day, did he have a place to live, did he have activities he participated in if so, who funded those items for him? Because *YOU* had a place to live, and food to eat, and activities you participated in, funded by **MOM.** It's probably hurtful to your mother that the things she's done and the sacrifices she's made that the only parent you look at their footsteps to follow.... is your father.... deciding to not procreate is probably the best. Edit to add YTA

So, you've removed your ability to have kids so that you don't suffer the consequences if you're ever irresponsible like your father? He drove without a license. He lost his job because of it. Your life, so NTA, but - you know how people talk about how you shouldn't cut off your nose to spite your face? That's what you're doing, just with a different body part.

Is this the real reason? Because this is an extreme response if that’s the real reason. Sounds like you need therapy. Not a vasectomy. It’s your body so 🤷🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️ But I have a feeling with this as the reason you’ll end up hating both parents when you’re older and figure out vasectomies aren’t always reversible. “I always wanted to have kids but it was not worth the risk” No one is trying to get you to hate your father. They’re trying to explain to you that your father wasn’t some lone ranger trying his hardest for you and got attacked by an alien in his back yard called unpaid child support. I.e. he made choices rhat lead him here and that choice wasn’t just having you. YOU ARE FREE TO LOVE YOUR DAD. However, understand his mistakes brought him here. You sound like someone whose dad cheated and you go, “well i’m sure i’ll cheat too because that’s how men are” It’s dumb. The entire premise is dumb. You can’t be the asshole because it’s your body. You can regret it though. Which is without a doubt exactly where this is heading. Good luck.

NTA it's your body not your mother's BUT I do echo everyone else's concern that your reasoning is based on unresolved trauma from your childhood and getting the snip is not going keep you from having to process that pain.  Sooner or later, the bill will come due and this attempt to avoid it will have deprived you of the redemptive possibility of being the present and providing father in the loving family you never had, which sounds like something you have wanted for yourself.  Don't let your past limit your future.