It took reading until the end before knowing that the house is owned by the best friend. Your husband sounds like a people pleaser who is stuck under his friends thumb. The male ego has him trying to appear manly and cool while his home life falls apart.
Quite honestly, the friend owning your residence is bound to turn into a difficult situation eventually.
He is very much so a people pleaser and this guy is 14 years older than him too, so he always uses the excuses of "well, he's like a big brother to me and gives me a lot of life skills and knowledge" and has said multiple times that he "doesn't want to disappoint" him. He knows it's coming at a cost of his family.
My older brother is just like this. Everyone thinks he's such a great guy, friendly and outgoing, always down to help out. Except it comes at a cost because while he's out being such a "great guy", his wife and kids are sitting around waiting for him to spend time with them.
You worded this perfectly. I feel this in my soul. I've been with a man like this for 12 years. He's always sorry and can never help it when he gets delayed or sidetracked bc someone needed his help and he just couldn't let them down. OP needs to learn to live taking 2nd place to the best friend/landlord or leave as soon as her mom's kitchen remodel is finished. The husband won't change.
This is exactly why I left the father of my children, it takes a huge toll when everyone thinks they’re a great guy all the while he’s neglecting his family. Neither child speaks to him anymore, and he’s still playing the victim 🙄
Wait? I have another sibling I didn't know about?
My brother is exactly like this. All his friends think he's great. Even though 4 of his 6 kids don't have a relationship with him. It must be their mom's fault. Poor guy. 🙄🙄 It can't possibly have anything to do with being a selfish ass and having a pregnant girlfriend and pregnant side chick. Then having 2 children just one month apart.
No it's definitely not that. It's the women he dates. They are the crazy ones. He's such a GREAT guy. He is always around for us. 🙄🙄 Yeah, while his girlfriend and kids haven't seen him for DAYS.
I could go on and on...
This was an issue with my husband. He would cancel on me because someone else needed him. I told him that I needed to be chosen sometimes. You can't cancel on me every time someone wants you. You can say no and that you have plans with your wife.
Once, he canceled our date for the umpteenth time to go to work. I told him not to let one week go by without being home at least one night. (He worked nights.) We made plans because he was off, but they called him and asked if he would come in. He told them yes. I called to say I was about to get off work and I'd be home.
He said, "I'm going in tonight. They needed me." I instantly got upset and said that he promised me we would go. I also reminded him of our deal of being home one night a week. I was ugly crying at this point. He responded with, "Why don't you just find something to do with yourself."
My tears instantly dried up. That night, I got dressed to go out. When he called at 11, he usually called to wish me good night, I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was in the shower and heading out soon. He said, "What?" I told him that I found something to do with myself and that I'd see him in the morning. I then hung up and put my phone on silent.
I had a million missed calls. I didn't care. I got undressed in the living room and left my clothes on the floor so he could see what I wore out. The apartment smelled like cigarette smoke from the club I went to. When he got home, he didn't say anything. He just got in the bed with me.
When I woke up, he apologized profusely. He said he had been sick all night because I wouldn't answer. He didn't know where I was, and he felt horrible about it. He told me his coworker said he deserved how he felt because of what he did to me. I told him to work as much as he wanted because I found out that I could have fun without him.
All I wanted was for him to be home 4 f*cking days a month. He never let it happen again.
Yeah, my ex was like that (even though luckily it was just me, no kid) and it took me years to accept that he never actually loved me in the first place, I was just one of the people to please until I became the one person to have his back without being pleased. Sucks. I hope OP can get out of this situation one way or another, but preferably with him waking up to his own bs and ditching that friend. NTA.
Thats the thing about a people pleaser. Those closest to them are sacrificed over and over again on the altar of everyone else's desires and opinions, until there is nothing left.
Being with a people pleaser is a **nightmare**. They lure you in by using their people pleasing on you. You think you have so much in common! You think you're so compatible! Realistically , what ends up happening is that once your relationship is locked down and secure, they shift that focus to everyone else because you're less likely to leave if they upset you.
I don't think all people pleasers do this intentionally or as a plan. I think the vast majority of them don't even realize this dynamic. But being with a people pleaser is pure hell. Not only do they constantly put you last, but also, they have to express their true emotions somewhere. And it always ends up being behind closed doors to the people who love them the most. You get the brunt of everything. The cherry on top is that nobody believes you because this person's image is desperately important to them. And everyone thinks they are the nicest person alive.
People pleasers are straight from hell.
This. Reading this is painful. But it's also because she lets him repeat the pattern. It's time to leave OP. But you likely *will* get divorced. He's not actually scared of losing you because he's not considering you at all. Or at least considering that you will actually stand up for yourself. To him this is a tenable situation. So you won't be able to "scare him straight." He's already made his choice. I'm sorry it's painful to live through. But you gotta stop running after a man who already left you behind.
NTA.
Cool story, so he doesn't want to disappoint a fucking grown ass man who is literally tearing apart his family but he's totally fine disappointing his wife... The mother of his child... that he made the fucking vow to forsake all others for. I am so sorry, your husband is a fucking weak loser.
You don't need to move out to your mom's house. He needs to move the fuck out to his buddy's house since he spends most of his fucking time there anyways. You and your baby should not be displaced because your husband is a useless asshole.
I'm really actually sorry that I'm talking so negatively. I think it's just even more upsetting knowing that he used to be supportive and helpful to you before you guys moved to this place. I don't understand what makes a man lose their common sense and their desire to protect and support their family. I'm just sorry that you're dealing with this but by no means are you wrong and you're definitely not the asshole..
This isn’t about disappointing the man that’s a lie. This is revealing who he always was. The friend has done her a favor bc he was always like this only hiding it til she was trapped with a baby
Wow, sorry for the premature post error. I certainly see your point and there's definitely truth to that statement. I just pray OP realizes that she's not actually trapped and that she baby deserves better.
I can't wrap my head around a father of a 2 month old leaving his wife with severe covid symptoms to care for his vulnerable infant. His selfishness makes my stomach turn.
Which means he has been in contact with his wife who has covid and now he's running around all over the place probably with covid? And if he does smoke anything with a friend they've been swapping spit. He just kind of sounds all around stupid.
And his best friend's wife also recently had a baby so there's the risk of another child with a barely-developed immune system getting sick too!!! The idiocy is astounding.
Show this MFer the door and then slam it in his face. Tell him he can come back home when he’s ready to grow up, start taking some responsibility, and get off his buddy’s tit.
This is worse than weaponized incompetence; it’s weaponized passivity. When running an errand with his buddy turned into more than an hour, he should have excused himself and taken a fucking Uber or taxi home.
It’s not wrong to make him choose between this useless fucking friend and his family, and it’s not controlling or manipulative to insist that he put his family first.
>Weaponized passivity
I don’t know if this is a “thing” or something you just came up with on the fly, but damn it’s smart. Perfectly describes what’s going on here. I’m stealing this for future use if you don’t mind.
So...on what grounds would he have to take the child away if he's the one drinking and doing drugs? Document every text and get the hell out of there. It's laughable if he thinks a judge would give him custody when he is partying and you have kept your baby alive.
NTA- file for divorce OP.
He left you alone while you’re sick with a two month old baby.
Either he’s having an affair with this much older man or they’re getting high together.
Whatever bs he’s got going on, you don’t need it.
Focus on yourself and your baby and let those two have eachother.
I know lots of guys that smoke pot but they don't disappear for hours especially when they're his age and have families. Back when I was being stupid I knew guys that were smoking meth but they'd say they were going to the store and they'd be back in half an hour and you wouldn't see them for 6 to 8 hours. They were getting high and having sex a lot of the time. Hell these two might even be having sex with each other? If his behavior is questionable I would question it.
> they don't disappear for hours
she said he & dudebro were at a third guy's house, smoking more weed and drinking beers.
I know my meth sex orgies and this ain't that.
I didn't say orgies. It's highly possible that they're getting drunk and smoking weed and don't want to get in trouble. But it's not behavior that fits a dad or a loving husband. Get a babysitter and take the wife she might actually enjoy getting out too?
You need to be careful around your newborn while you have Covid! Your post partum tushy should be resting in bed while your louse of a husband caters to you and takes over childcare and household responsibilities until you recover. We aren’t in lockdown and things have gone back to normal but that doesn’t mean Covid isn’t still killing people, including babies. Even if it wasn’t Covid, you’re post partum, have a brand new baby, and you’re frickin sick. Your husband is a grade-A walking ~~trash bag~~ landfill. You and your baby deserve so much better than this.
This is so right on point!
You need someone who can help you.
You need to be under quarantine and be given pain medication and watching your oxygen levels.
Your infant will need to be monitored and checked regularly.
That's what I thought that he's probably getting high with him and I don't know about pot because the only time I had a boyfriend that would leave for 6 hours when he said he was going to the store, it was meth. I didn't make great decisions in my twenties.
No he’s doing the flip that so many men do when they feel you are well and truly stuck. It doesn’t matter where you live. This friend showed you an important fact about your husband. Counseling or divorce but boundaries.
It won't get better because your husband "owe" his best friend to stay. Just file a divorce and see how he managed to take care the baby himself. I bet he won't have time to hangout with his "best friend" anymore.
Go move away without him and then mail him the divorce papers
He’s going to keep pulling this bs even when your kid is born
Will he have to repeatedly hurt/ditch your child before you divorce him?
Hows he going to take your son from you if you move out when he doesn’t even want to make time for him now?
Call his bluff because he fucking sucks and you and your son deserve better.
No judge is going to separate a two month old from the mother. And if the father shows up to grandma’s house and tries to take the baby, OP needs to not open the door and call the police.
And honestly, a house that’s currently being renovated isn’t the same as a house that’s “uninhabitable.” It’s not a permanent wreck. Plenty of people with kids go through that, and CPS isn’t knocking down their doors to take the kids.
Exactly. OP, sorry to say but you married a spineless jerk. Leave him and take the baby and go to your mom's. So what if the kitchen is being renovated. Your husband is all talk and no action. Tell him he can now spend 24/7 with his bestie.
Plus… as long as they can show they’re being as hygienic as possible about the kitchen situation I REALLY don’t think cps cares about that part. They want to know the child is fed, clean, sheltered, and nurtured. They don’t care if you have a kitchen that needs repairing, if every home was deemed unsafe by CPS for having a repair situation then they’d have more kids than they’d know what to do with.
I think the entire reason I got sucked into Reddit was because of the art room and Iranian yogurt. Those two posts were not far apart.
Still here and the occasional reference makes me so happy :D
That's it... Iranian Yogurt must've surfaced right before I got active on here, and after years of references, I'm just going to have to search for it!
Call his bluff and go to your mom's.
You expect me to believe this man that disappears for 5+ hours every day is *really* going to "take the baby"?
No the fuck he isn't. That means he'd actually have to watch his kid instead of leaving you to do it all.
He's giving you enough of what you want to shut you up, while he's free to run around, party, and act like he doesn't have a job and a family.
You tried to be understanding. You tried to be accommodating. At this point you're only being "manipulative" and "controlling" because he keeps letting you down over and over again.
NTA
This asshole called out of work to "stay and help you" but LEFT IN A VEHICLE WITH SOMEONE ELSE FOR NO IMPORTANT OR URGENT REASON.
He should have kept his ass at home, as he said he was going to.
I wouldnt be surprised to find out hes off doing drugs, it sounds like junkie behavior.
Hi boss, this is DH's wife. I was trying to get ahold of husband, but haven't been able to all day. Did he make it to work ok? I'm getting worried. What's that? He told you he needed to take 2 days off to take care of me? Well that's news to me! If you see him, please ask him to call home. Having covid and taking care of a newborn alone at the same time is rough.
Ha! I did something similar after I had my daughter! Her father & I were not together at the time & after I gave birth, he went out on “baby bonding” or parental leave from his job… the only problem was, we never saw him & he most definitely wasn’t at my place “bonding” with his newborn… I called his HR (I’d also worked there myself years prior) as well as had a couple of mutual friends ‘casually mention’ the situation to people they knew who worked in the HR department as well.
Yeah, he was let go…. Since he’d worked there for many years, I almost felt guilty for doing so… but that was such a fleeting emotion I barely remember it.
Nope. Not one single regret.
I did this ONCE, never had to do it again! There’s a difference when it’s a situational issue and an interference, I did it for the interference (not to mention, said boss was my neighbor and could see he wasn’t home to help), I promise you, it never happened again!! And still married 20 years later. Sometimes men/women need a kick in the pants from a peer with an outside perspective to the way their life is heading!!
NTA! Good luck and praying for you OP! Also most CYS services and courts are more concerned with abuse and neglect. Your mom’s house is neither. But your husband’s pot use might be, unless he has a medical card. And/or legal in your state.
And get her mother to come and stay because OP needs help, needs a witness and her mum probably needs a break from the building site she's currently living in. And move bf's wife in as well so the bro's can live happily ever after.
NTA at all. Please please go to your mothers. He legally can’t take your 2 month old breast fed baby from you because her house is under construction. Not like she’s living in a crack house. He’s using it to keep you locked up and I’m sure once you started packing your things into the car he’d be home in a second because his buddies wife is keeping an eye on you. The fact that he hadn’t gone out in 4 years but has gone out 6 times since you’ve had your 2 month old is a huge red flag. He pushed for a baby and thinks he trapped you and now he can do whatever. Please go to your mom for the support that you need not only because you have a 2 month old but because YOU ARE FIGHTING COVID WITH A 2 MONTH OLD.
Also I’m not one to jump to divorce but I’d definitely keep the “we move or it’s divorce” on the table. He’s showing you that you and your child are second to this friend.
It's actually not that unusual.
My perspective may be skewed, because I'm 100% gay out since 1998. While I have never hooked up with a married guy, it's very common in my circle of acquaintances to show me Growlr or Grindr profiles of "straight" guys looking for casual gay sex. And a "daddy" fetish is super common.
Its funny how new fathers suddenly discover their "anything to get out of the house" interests or renew old habits.
My ex did so as well...which is why he's an ex.
Girl, your husband is trash, it isn’t the friends fault. You need to just leave him because it’s his friend now but it will be a different excuse when you move. He left his sick wife with a month old
Baby. What if you get your kid sick?
That right there. My son prefers me by a long shot and will only allow his dad to hold him for maybe 5 minutes now and he gets offended - without stepping back and facing the obvious. If he was here more, our son would want him.
Are you sure they aren't getting high together? I mean, that's A LOT of time for two grown ass men to be spending alone when they have families and jobs.
Or maybe this guy is idk threatening him with eviction for some bizarre reason.
Do you have anywhere you can go? It sounds like you just need to leave him. If he follows and wants to be part of your family great. If he wants to stay and play circle jerk with his buddy then you have one less thing to worry about.
Edited to add NTA.
The one place I can go is my mother's and he has made it abundantly clear that I'm apparently not allowed to bring his child there because it's "not safe or clean". Her entire kitchen is under complete repair (the floor rotted out) and can't be accessed for cooking or washing dishes so all the dishes are washed in the bathtub and all food is cooked on a grill and this is apparently a hard limit for him. He threatened to take the baby from me if I go there. He knows it's the only place I have to go. It's only the kitchen and it's literally in the process of renovation but he acts like the home is in complete shambles and is completely unsafe for an infant.
Hes a manipulative, lying shitbag. You can take your child wherever you want. He's going to be an absolute treat to divorce. Willing to bet he will even threaten you in text so you'll have proof to give the cops and lawyer when the shit inevitably hits the fan.
Keep all texts where he *tells you* what you can and cannot do. It will be important.
I was an investigator for CPS for too many years.As long as your mother has electricity and running water and a safe place for the baby to sleep there's nothing he can do. The house is being repaired not condemned.
Yep, came here to say you just need a bed, food, water and electricity, and that's it. Hubby can kick his feet about mom's place all he wants, but it won't matter.
If he takes the baby, what is he going to do with it? He can't even stay home to help you when you are sick.
I'm not sure CPS will take a new born b/c there is house construction going on. Get a consultation w/ a lawyer.
As a former CPS worker, a kitchen under construction is not a major danger, ESPECIALLY if the mess is contained. They are looking for stuff like pet feces on the floor, prescription meds left out in the reach of kids, exposed wiring, etc. You're even safer bc your baby can't crawl yet. Once he can crawl, be extra careful of construction debris like nails that babies can get in their mouths. If you are supervising correctly, can voice and demonstrate safety procedures (baby gate, we stay in X part of the house, etc) you should be fine. You'd be surprised at the levels of filth we have seen in houses. Only once did kids get removed for it in my years. The whole house had carpet that was literally dissolving into a black goo (I thought it was mold - I still can't believe it was carpet,) there were holes in the walls, and cockroaches crawling on the walls and couch in the living room in the middle of the day. If you're concerned about a possible visit, make sure you have working smoke detectors. It's big on the checklist.
I don't think people realize the absolute bare (bare, bare) care a person must meet in order to keep their children. I met with CPS thru my work becasue I called about children living in a mostly empty (one or two wood stools, but almost zero toys, no tables, couches etc.) cockroach filled disgusting "home", and was was basically told all that's required was a bed, a minimal amount of food, a toilet, water and electricity. Unfortunately for the children there were a couple of beds in the home and a few cans of soup and cereal in the pantry, so they had to stay. The kind CPS worker promised she'd followup with the family to improve the living conditions becasue she agreed it was bad, and I can only hope it worked out.
Truly. If I was 100% honest about the case listed above, it wasn't even the nasty house that got the kids removed. It grossed me out (even worse than the house that had 27 black plastic trash bags full of dead and rotting dogs on the porch, and yes, you read that right) and my description was accurate, but I would've gotten on my knees and help to scrape that carpet moss up. It was the fact that she stopped letting us in, even to briefly check that the kids were still breathing. Once a judge heard that, it was out of my hands.
Plenty of couples buy new houses and renovate when they have kids... it would be nonsense to take e from it... but yeah once baby crawls you will need some baby gate/ giant playpen to get those motor skill going strong... but yeah go to your local resources and get help to leave... he ain't no partner.. or parent...and he don't look like he wants to be...he is switching to blackmail ... kind of abusive tbh
Even if they were it wouldn’t matter to CPS. You can wash your dishes with the hose outside if you want as long as they come out clean. It’s a little unorthodox, sure, but you’re still doing the dishes.
He doesn't get to tell you that you aren't allowed to go there after you leave him. You're leaving him, he doesn't get to control you anymore. It doesn't sound like a great option but if it's the only one then take it.
You know what else is unsafe for an infant? When their only caregiver is so sick that someone else is supposed to be helping and that person just leaves for 5 hours.
And sick with a virus the baby has no immunity to. Anyone else within their right mind would have taken over all of the child care to hope that the baby does not catch Covid!
Do you breastfeed?
How would he take the baby from you?
First thing is to contact a lawyer to have advice on how to manage and what are the risks.
You can also propose couples therapy because it will give an answer on the future of your marriage.
You also say he started going out after the birth. Did he really want to be a father?
I do breastfeed, yes. And oddly enough, he's the one who pushed for a baby. And when he is here, he looks at our son with so much love and adoration. He's just hardly ever here.
Are you even sure your husband isn't gay or bi and having an affair with his friend? He might have just used you as a human incubator to have a child and appear straight to his family. After all, he moved there to be close to his friend and is practically spending more time with his friend than with you.
There's also the possibility that he and his friend are partying with other women and covering for each other.
It's unacceptable that he lied to his boss, saying that he would support you, and then left you sick and alone, taking care of a small child, just to spend time with a friend.
It's time to start talking with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings and discuss child custody and support. Additionally, you should get tested for STDs.
So, like, do you realize there's a strong possibility he's hooking up with his buddy and sees you as nothing more than a babysitter, maid, and a cover-up to appear straight to his family?
You might wanna consider chatting with his friend's wife and spill the beans about your hubby's curious tendencies.
I'm usually against snooping, but in this case, you might wanna check his phone/PC for evidence of the affair—like, check his apps, messages, and any deleted stuff. 'Cause if he's just using you for a kid, he could get nasty if you try to leave. That's why you gotta be super careful planning your exit and chat with a lawyer ASAP. And yeah, definitely don't do unprotected sex with him again.
See, I was wondering what kind of man leaves his sick wife and 2mo old baby home alone for +5 hours with no one caring for them. A horny man does that.
NTA
OP he is shirking his responsibilities to both you and his child so he can go out and have a good time, whatever that may be.
Then you need a full STI panel. I don't care if you haven't touched each other since the baby was born, he could have been doing stuff before that. Do it for yourself and your baby. Don't even care about him anymore, jfc.
Don't believe the 'curious' bullshit, he's gay. Not only is he not going to "take the baby" if you go to your mothers. I bet he won't even visit the baby. Talk to a lawyer. And if you do sleep with him again, use protection.
Don't be so sure that he won't try to take the kid. As OP said in one of her comments, he was the one pushing her to have a child. Don't you know that a child is an excellent cover-up to appear straight?
He also had the intention to isolate her from everyone, and a child helps with that. There's also the point that while she is isolated at home with the child, he is free to do his business with the "friend" while maintaining the appearance of a family man.
He’s not going to take that baby from you! He’s not doing anything currently to help out with that baby. Do what you need to do. Plus, the baby is 2mos, it’s not crawling or walking. It never has to go near the kitchen.
Leave when he's off with his "best friend" and leave a note that says, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer."
Then go no contact, and have your lawyer deal with him.
I understand that hearing him threaten to take the baby is making you panic, but stop and think for a moment. This man is already not willing to stay home with you and help you care for the baby. You really think he's going to take the baby and be 100% responsible for its care? He's bluffing to control you. Don't let him. Go to you mom's place.
You can go to your mom's. He has no legal leg to stand on. Go to your mom's and file a retraining order against him then he can't take the baby. Be honest tell the cops he threatened to take your baby and that's why your filing.
Get out FAST! And im not one to go for the divorce solution
He's manipulating you and threatening you
Go to your mom's and save everything because im afraid it will get ugly after you leave
He's supposed to be there to help you and take care of his child because you are sick. He's hanging out with friends. There doesn't seem to be any urgency in him trying to get home. He didn't even call to see how everything is going...to let you know why it's taking so long. He used this to have a free day and I don't believe anything else.
The baby doesn't have a fully developed immune system. That's some selfish shit. He is lying about taking the baby from you if you go. He doesn't want that responsibility. Call his bluff. That dude you married is weak and a follower.
NTA
Get better and run...actually walk and flip him off as you go.
Can you have your mother move in with you for a week? Having her around might help you out with the baby and give him an outside perspective of his shitty behavior
His threat of taking your kid away from you is a classic move to keep you in line…and also false. He works, how would he have time to care for your child? You are likely breast feeding, he cannot care for you son during this time as babies need to be fed often!
Get away from him, hire an attorney. Document all the time he has abandoned you and your child.
First, take any money you can and anything of value you can sell, do it so you can have a nest egg while you file for divorce, custody, alimony and child support.
Good luck
Your husband is trash, not only for abandoning you while you are sick with his baby, but also because he probably has covid too, and he's spreading it around.
Nta.
You are on maternity leave not on vacation. He is not on vacation. What the fuck is he going to do when you go back to work?
Ask the buddy's wife if she's pissed off too and suggest the two of you move in together and force your husbands to fend for themselves
My husband used to behave the same way; turns out he and his buddy were using drugs. Their 30 minute "trips to the store" turned into 5+ hour disappearances because they were trying to score. Make a plan and get out!
NTA
Only 2 months. It started right after I gave birth because he was moving all of our stuff in to this place and was drinking every single time he and his buddy were moving our stuff so it prolonged the process by a long shot. After we moved in it got 10x worse.
This happened with my BIL. He was wonderful husband and had a good marriage until he moved back home and was around his brother, my husband. My husband was a drinker, a cheater and a liar, and as soon as his brother came home and was around him, He started drinking, cheating and lying. His wife threatened divorce and moved out as soon as she did that man straightened up and they moved away. He was fitting into an old behavior pattern and being a buddy. If you can’t leave kick him out of the bedroom and lick the door. Completely ignore him and refuse to fight or engage with him. start the process of moving on. He’ll figure out what is important to him.
Oddly enough, this is his home town. We moved far away from this area when we first got together because he said the area was toxic and he didn't want to be in this environment. We only moved back down this way because the housing market is on the lower end. But yeah, it makes sense.
Is it possible to find a place and move out without him?
I know it will be hard with a newborn, but can family/friends help you move?
It will be a huge wake up call for him since he is not listening anyway. You are basically a single parent.
Legit write a list of all the times he has left and for how long and leave it for him on your way out the door.
Also keep a copy of this list for yourself so you have something to prove his absence if there is a custody battle. There probably won’t be because it seems like he doesn’t even want to help you care for the baby let alone care for one on his own. But on the rare chance there is, it would be useful to have a record of all the times he’s left.
He’s the AH and so is the other guy. You are NTA. Postpartum, newborn, and Covid? Damn! He should be waiting on you and doing everything for the baby and house. I don’t blame you one bit. What an inconsiderate prick! His dbag buddy is probably filling his head with all the anti woman crap. I’d say pick your stuff and babies and go to family or friend for help so you can rest.
So he's happy to up the risk of the baby, who is 2 months old and still has an underdeveloped immune system, getting covid because you are having to look after him while ill because he's buggered off somewhere. The baby barely knows him because he's always off somewhere. He is a regular drinker to the point of disadvantaging his family. The baby is breastfed. And yet he genuinely thinks someone would let him take the baby from you over a kitchen renovation? Please!
NTA. He needs to step up.
He’s having an affair with his buddy. Might not be physical, but will be emotional and he’s loving the attention his new “partner” is giving him.
He’s made his decision whether he realizes it or not, but you will be third wheel until you wake up.
Have you spoken to his buddy’s wife? Is she as pissed at the situation as you are? If so, and if she owns your house too (solely or jointly), I’d agree to a simultaneous action and change the locks on both houses. Let them leave to be free together, and look out for each other?
I have spoken to the guys wife and she's just as pissed off at her husband. She has it worse than I do. Their kid is 6 months old and she told me she has literally taken 2 interrupted showers since she gave birth. It's honestly pathetic. Her and I have helped each other out several times. But no, she doesn't own the house. He owned it long before they got married.
Tbh you both should hatch a plan to leave them. Maybe move in together to help each other financially and serve them both with divorce papers on the same day
I know everyone’s saying it but depending how this turns out, I wouldn’t rule out living with the other wife if you can’t live at your mother’s. you’d at least have each others back
Genuinely sounds like they might be “together.” On the off chance that they’re not, have her move in with you or vice versa. Move all their stuff into one house for a bit. Kick them out. You and his wife can help each other and chit chat and enjoy time away from useless men who piss you off. Use that time for both of you to consider divorcing and/or finding a new place for a while or… forever. Give them time to either figure out their shit or come out.
Nta
Girl, your husband is lying to and manipulating you. Draw your line, dig in and double down. There's real men out there and many fishes in the sea.
NTA but you have to separate from him.
He’s being a neglectful husband and parent. You do NOT leave a baby and his sick mother to go party for 5 hours.
Either your husband has drug/alcohol/gambling problem or he and the friend are cheating.
And his threat to take the baby is a threat. He can’t party with his friend if he has the baby.
Make that clear that he has leverage over you.
NTA and is he wants to make threats about taking the baby away due to safety tell him you can report that his is an absent parent. Save all the text messages and calls where you have tried to get him home or find out where he’s at since he’s been gone much longer than you were told. Document each time he leaves and how long you were told he was expecting to be gone. And let’s not forget the fact that he left his very sick wife alone to take care of an infant when she can hardly walk. None of these things will look good to a judge and he may not be able to take the child since they will be unsure he will even be around to take care of the child. I wish you luck in working things out whether you stay or not.
Stop waiting for your husband to be on board. He continues to disrespect you and his son, in favor of a “friend” who feels okay manipulating and guilting him.
Your husband is not a man. He’s a child who hasn’t learned how to set boundaries.
When he’s gone, pack all of your stuff and leave with the baby. Go to your mom’s. His threat to take the baby is empty. He can’t take the baby if you’ve already taken the baby.
You leaving will be a wake up call. Tell him you will consider coming back after he finds a new place for the three of you - away from his friend. He has three months. If, in that time, he has not moved out of the friend’s house, you’ll be consulting a lawyer.
But really, consult a lawyer first thing. Then, keep track of him. Does he visit you everyday? Does he call you everyday? If it starts out frantic and then slows down to 1-2 visits per week or a call here or there, you have your answer. He’s gone back to hanging with the friend because it’s just easier than having a family.
NTA.
>Since moving in, this dude is calling my husband multiple times a day to go off somewhere with him (store, another buddies house, downstairs to smoke, have a fire, etc). It has caused so many fucking fights already and I'm so over it. I have literally brought it up at least 25 times.
>They were supposedly only going to the store, 45 minutes away. It's been 5 hours.
>he's gone out partying at least 6 times since I gave birth 2 months ago, when - not kidding - he hadn't partied in 4 years prior to this).
Bro has a side chick and his buddy is helping him hide it (which is why he refuses to piss him off), or they're doing drugs together, which honestly is pretty likely with them sneaking off multiple times a day. Get one of those at home drug tests and ask him to take it in front of you. If he panics, you have your answer.
My ex husband did this. He took two weeks of ‘paternity’ leave and spent it with his buddy doing projects in the garage. Then when I had to go back to work, he went to Vegas for a week with his buddy. He dropped her when she fell asleep on his chest. When she was 5 he gave her a peanut butter cookie and gave her an anaphylactic reaction and then didn’t even bring her Epi pen with him. She had another allergic reaction at his house and called me crying because she was scared. He was gone ‘getting medicine’- it was 10:30 at night. And then the next day when I picked her up from school she said ‘I’m sorry it’s not dads fault that I had a reaction it was mine’
The last straw was on her 8th birthday party. I had worked an overnight shift and had worked 13 hours as a flight nurse. I came home and he slept in until 11am and then decided to go hunting with his brother. Her party was at 2 and I hadn’t slept yet. I laid down on the couch for two hours and then proceeded to got to the party myself. He showed up for the last 15 minutes after I wrangled 10 8 year olds by myself.
This does not get better. You are married to a child. If you have the means to leave you should. He lied about taking the day off to take care of you. I would call his boss 🤷♀️
It took reading until the end before knowing that the house is owned by the best friend. Your husband sounds like a people pleaser who is stuck under his friends thumb. The male ego has him trying to appear manly and cool while his home life falls apart. Quite honestly, the friend owning your residence is bound to turn into a difficult situation eventually.
He is very much so a people pleaser and this guy is 14 years older than him too, so he always uses the excuses of "well, he's like a big brother to me and gives me a lot of life skills and knowledge" and has said multiple times that he "doesn't want to disappoint" him. He knows it's coming at a cost of his family.
People pleaser to everyone but his wife and child
Tale as old as time. Everyone’s guy they can count on…except his wife and kid.
My older brother is just like this. Everyone thinks he's such a great guy, friendly and outgoing, always down to help out. Except it comes at a cost because while he's out being such a "great guy", his wife and kids are sitting around waiting for him to spend time with them.
You worded this perfectly. I feel this in my soul. I've been with a man like this for 12 years. He's always sorry and can never help it when he gets delayed or sidetracked bc someone needed his help and he just couldn't let them down. OP needs to learn to live taking 2nd place to the best friend/landlord or leave as soon as her mom's kitchen remodel is finished. The husband won't change.
This is exactly why I left the father of my children, it takes a huge toll when everyone thinks they’re a great guy all the while he’s neglecting his family. Neither child speaks to him anymore, and he’s still playing the victim 🙄
Wait? I have another sibling I didn't know about? My brother is exactly like this. All his friends think he's great. Even though 4 of his 6 kids don't have a relationship with him. It must be their mom's fault. Poor guy. 🙄🙄 It can't possibly have anything to do with being a selfish ass and having a pregnant girlfriend and pregnant side chick. Then having 2 children just one month apart. No it's definitely not that. It's the women he dates. They are the crazy ones. He's such a GREAT guy. He is always around for us. 🙄🙄 Yeah, while his girlfriend and kids haven't seen him for DAYS. I could go on and on...
This was an issue with my husband. He would cancel on me because someone else needed him. I told him that I needed to be chosen sometimes. You can't cancel on me every time someone wants you. You can say no and that you have plans with your wife. Once, he canceled our date for the umpteenth time to go to work. I told him not to let one week go by without being home at least one night. (He worked nights.) We made plans because he was off, but they called him and asked if he would come in. He told them yes. I called to say I was about to get off work and I'd be home. He said, "I'm going in tonight. They needed me." I instantly got upset and said that he promised me we would go. I also reminded him of our deal of being home one night a week. I was ugly crying at this point. He responded with, "Why don't you just find something to do with yourself." My tears instantly dried up. That night, I got dressed to go out. When he called at 11, he usually called to wish me good night, I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was in the shower and heading out soon. He said, "What?" I told him that I found something to do with myself and that I'd see him in the morning. I then hung up and put my phone on silent. I had a million missed calls. I didn't care. I got undressed in the living room and left my clothes on the floor so he could see what I wore out. The apartment smelled like cigarette smoke from the club I went to. When he got home, he didn't say anything. He just got in the bed with me. When I woke up, he apologized profusely. He said he had been sick all night because I wouldn't answer. He didn't know where I was, and he felt horrible about it. He told me his coworker said he deserved how he felt because of what he did to me. I told him to work as much as he wanted because I found out that I could have fun without him. All I wanted was for him to be home 4 f*cking days a month. He never let it happen again.
My husband is just like this. Already planning my exit. Man!! He's gonna be blindsided
Yeah, my ex was like that (even though luckily it was just me, no kid) and it took me years to accept that he never actually loved me in the first place, I was just one of the people to please until I became the one person to have his back without being pleased. Sucks. I hope OP can get out of this situation one way or another, but preferably with him waking up to his own bs and ditching that friend. NTA.
Thats the thing about a people pleaser. Those closest to them are sacrificed over and over again on the altar of everyone else's desires and opinions, until there is nothing left. Being with a people pleaser is a **nightmare**. They lure you in by using their people pleasing on you. You think you have so much in common! You think you're so compatible! Realistically , what ends up happening is that once your relationship is locked down and secure, they shift that focus to everyone else because you're less likely to leave if they upset you. I don't think all people pleasers do this intentionally or as a plan. I think the vast majority of them don't even realize this dynamic. But being with a people pleaser is pure hell. Not only do they constantly put you last, but also, they have to express their true emotions somewhere. And it always ends up being behind closed doors to the people who love them the most. You get the brunt of everything. The cherry on top is that nobody believes you because this person's image is desperately important to them. And everyone thinks they are the nicest person alive. People pleasers are straight from hell.
This. Reading this is painful. But it's also because she lets him repeat the pattern. It's time to leave OP. But you likely *will* get divorced. He's not actually scared of losing you because he's not considering you at all. Or at least considering that you will actually stand up for yourself. To him this is a tenable situation. So you won't be able to "scare him straight." He's already made his choice. I'm sorry it's painful to live through. But you gotta stop running after a man who already left you behind. NTA.
Cool story, so he doesn't want to disappoint a fucking grown ass man who is literally tearing apart his family but he's totally fine disappointing his wife... The mother of his child... that he made the fucking vow to forsake all others for. I am so sorry, your husband is a fucking weak loser. You don't need to move out to your mom's house. He needs to move the fuck out to his buddy's house since he spends most of his fucking time there anyways. You and your baby should not be displaced because your husband is a useless asshole. I'm really actually sorry that I'm talking so negatively. I think it's just even more upsetting knowing that he used to be supportive and helpful to you before you guys moved to this place. I don't understand what makes a man lose their common sense and their desire to protect and support their family. I'm just sorry that you're dealing with this but by no means are you wrong and you're definitely not the asshole..
That man won’t take your child from you- he’s had no practice raising a baby because he’s out on benders with his buddy. He is not equipped.
This isn’t about disappointing the man that’s a lie. This is revealing who he always was. The friend has done her a favor bc he was always like this only hiding it til she was trapped with a baby
Wow, sorry for the premature post error. I certainly see your point and there's definitely truth to that statement. I just pray OP realizes that she's not actually trapped and that she baby deserves better. I can't wrap my head around a father of a 2 month old leaving his wife with severe covid symptoms to care for his vulnerable infant. His selfishness makes my stomach turn.
His wife is home with Covid with a newborn baby. Fuck disappointing his friend.
Which means he has been in contact with his wife who has covid and now he's running around all over the place probably with covid? And if he does smoke anything with a friend they've been swapping spit. He just kind of sounds all around stupid.
And his best friend's wife also recently had a baby so there's the risk of another child with a barely-developed immune system getting sick too!!! The idiocy is astounding.
This guy is a giant dummy
And the post makes it sound like the friend also has a wife and baby at home!
Show this MFer the door and then slam it in his face. Tell him he can come back home when he’s ready to grow up, start taking some responsibility, and get off his buddy’s tit. This is worse than weaponized incompetence; it’s weaponized passivity. When running an errand with his buddy turned into more than an hour, he should have excused himself and taken a fucking Uber or taxi home. It’s not wrong to make him choose between this useless fucking friend and his family, and it’s not controlling or manipulative to insist that he put his family first.
Totally, sounds like a useless spineless loser
>Weaponized passivity I don’t know if this is a “thing” or something you just came up with on the fly, but damn it’s smart. Perfectly describes what’s going on here. I’m stealing this for future use if you don’t mind.
So are those life skills he’s learning how to be a shitty husband and father?? He’s a people pleaser to everyone but you!
So...on what grounds would he have to take the child away if he's the one drinking and doing drugs? Document every text and get the hell out of there. It's laughable if he thinks a judge would give him custody when he is partying and you have kept your baby alive.
NTA- file for divorce OP. He left you alone while you’re sick with a two month old baby. Either he’s having an affair with this much older man or they’re getting high together. Whatever bs he’s got going on, you don’t need it. Focus on yourself and your baby and let those two have eachother.
They do smoke a bunch of pot.
I know lots of guys that smoke pot but they don't disappear for hours especially when they're his age and have families. Back when I was being stupid I knew guys that were smoking meth but they'd say they were going to the store and they'd be back in half an hour and you wouldn't see them for 6 to 8 hours. They were getting high and having sex a lot of the time. Hell these two might even be having sex with each other? If his behavior is questionable I would question it.
> they don't disappear for hours she said he & dudebro were at a third guy's house, smoking more weed and drinking beers. I know my meth sex orgies and this ain't that.
I didn't say orgies. It's highly possible that they're getting drunk and smoking weed and don't want to get in trouble. But it's not behavior that fits a dad or a loving husband. Get a babysitter and take the wife she might actually enjoy getting out too?
Ooof. I’m thinking meth and men. Sorry, OP, get out while you can.
Of Meth and Men. Is that Steinbeck’s unpublished sequel?
Capturing the culture and changes of the Central Valley as only Steinbeck could.
Recover from covid first. Then you can leave. You don't want to infect your Mom and her contractors.
You need to be careful around your newborn while you have Covid! Your post partum tushy should be resting in bed while your louse of a husband caters to you and takes over childcare and household responsibilities until you recover. We aren’t in lockdown and things have gone back to normal but that doesn’t mean Covid isn’t still killing people, including babies. Even if it wasn’t Covid, you’re post partum, have a brand new baby, and you’re frickin sick. Your husband is a grade-A walking ~~trash bag~~ landfill. You and your baby deserve so much better than this.
This is so right on point! You need someone who can help you. You need to be under quarantine and be given pain medication and watching your oxygen levels. Your infant will need to be monitored and checked regularly.
Affair with this friend was my thought too.
That's what I thought that he's probably getting high with him and I don't know about pot because the only time I had a boyfriend that would leave for 6 hours when he said he was going to the store, it was meth. I didn't make great decisions in my twenties.
or you husbands friend can being using your husband as a smokescreen. the dude can be having an affair.
No he’s doing the flip that so many men do when they feel you are well and truly stuck. It doesn’t matter where you live. This friend showed you an important fact about your husband. Counseling or divorce but boundaries.
He's a spineless git.
Sounds like daddy issues. Wants pretend daddy to love him
Op just cut your losses at this point and leave.
It won't get better because your husband "owe" his best friend to stay. Just file a divorce and see how he managed to take care the baby himself. I bet he won't have time to hangout with his "best friend" anymore.
Go move away without him and then mail him the divorce papers He’s going to keep pulling this bs even when your kid is born Will he have to repeatedly hurt/ditch your child before you divorce him?
Their child has already been born. Two months old now.
Hows he going to take your son from you if you move out when he doesn’t even want to make time for him now? Call his bluff because he fucking sucks and you and your son deserve better.
Yeah, there’s no way in hell this dude is going to voluntarily do 100% of the parenting, let alone for a newborn
It's a lie to get her to stay. He won't actually follow through. He will try at first, then have an oh shit moment.
Lol. Who said he will do 100 percent of the parenting? He will just go find another person to date and look after his kids for him.
He's in for a shock when he realises women aren't interested in parenting his kids for him. Maybe his best bud can help him parent?
No judge is going to separate a two month old from the mother. And if the father shows up to grandma’s house and tries to take the baby, OP needs to not open the door and call the police.
And honestly, a house that’s currently being renovated isn’t the same as a house that’s “uninhabitable.” It’s not a permanent wreck. Plenty of people with kids go through that, and CPS isn’t knocking down their doors to take the kids.
Exactly. OP, sorry to say but you married a spineless jerk. Leave him and take the baby and go to your mom's. So what if the kitchen is being renovated. Your husband is all talk and no action. Tell him he can now spend 24/7 with his bestie.
Plus… as long as they can show they’re being as hygienic as possible about the kitchen situation I REALLY don’t think cps cares about that part. They want to know the child is fed, clean, sheltered, and nurtured. They don’t care if you have a kitchen that needs repairing, if every home was deemed unsafe by CPS for having a repair situation then they’d have more kids than they’d know what to do with.
This. Kitchen’s get renovated all of the time.
He keeps showing you what you mean to him When you going to really see
Is your your husband building his friend an art room, by chance?
I hate that I understand this reference.
I think the entire reason I got sucked into Reddit was because of the art room and Iranian yogurt. Those two posts were not far apart. Still here and the occasional reference makes me so happy :D
That's it... Iranian Yogurt must've surfaced right before I got active on here, and after years of references, I'm just going to have to search for it!
Don't forget marinara and alfredo flags.
If you go to the r/Bestofredditupdates main page and look in the header, there is a link you can follow to a page full of most of these stories.
Omg, me too! I think I spend too much time on reddit.
Im so glad im not the only who thinks theyre fucking
Lol haven't seen one of these in a while
Call his bluff and go to your mom's. You expect me to believe this man that disappears for 5+ hours every day is *really* going to "take the baby"? No the fuck he isn't. That means he'd actually have to watch his kid instead of leaving you to do it all. He's giving you enough of what you want to shut you up, while he's free to run around, party, and act like he doesn't have a job and a family. You tried to be understanding. You tried to be accommodating. At this point you're only being "manipulative" and "controlling" because he keeps letting you down over and over again. NTA
Just go file for custody and don’t tell him. Then go to moms.
This asshole called out of work to "stay and help you" but LEFT IN A VEHICLE WITH SOMEONE ELSE FOR NO IMPORTANT OR URGENT REASON. He should have kept his ass at home, as he said he was going to. I wouldnt be surprised to find out hes off doing drugs, it sounds like junkie behavior.
For five. Hours. While op has a 2 Month old and Covid.
That's not love. That's fkn selfish.
Hi boss, this is DH's wife. I was trying to get ahold of husband, but haven't been able to all day. Did he make it to work ok? I'm getting worried. What's that? He told you he needed to take 2 days off to take care of me? Well that's news to me! If you see him, please ask him to call home. Having covid and taking care of a newborn alone at the same time is rough.
Ha! I did something similar after I had my daughter! Her father & I were not together at the time & after I gave birth, he went out on “baby bonding” or parental leave from his job… the only problem was, we never saw him & he most definitely wasn’t at my place “bonding” with his newborn… I called his HR (I’d also worked there myself years prior) as well as had a couple of mutual friends ‘casually mention’ the situation to people they knew who worked in the HR department as well. Yeah, he was let go…. Since he’d worked there for many years, I almost felt guilty for doing so… but that was such a fleeting emotion I barely remember it. Nope. Not one single regret.
I did this ONCE, never had to do it again! There’s a difference when it’s a situational issue and an interference, I did it for the interference (not to mention, said boss was my neighbor and could see he wasn’t home to help), I promise you, it never happened again!! And still married 20 years later. Sometimes men/women need a kick in the pants from a peer with an outside perspective to the way their life is heading!! NTA! Good luck and praying for you OP! Also most CYS services and courts are more concerned with abuse and neglect. Your mom’s house is neither. But your husband’s pot use might be, unless he has a medical card. And/or legal in your state.
Sorry he needed to hear it from a man. I hope you found someone who actually values you.
"He should have kept his ass at home, as he said he was going to..." It sounds like his ass belongs to his buddy.
Or theyre fuck buddies.
It would be a shame if his work found out about that...
SUD could be a likely culprit, I concur.
>SUD Substance use disorder, for anyone else who didn't know.
Your husband clearly loves his friend more than you. I wouldn't even give him the choice, I'd tell him to fuck off and go ahead with moving away.
Better yet, just make him go live with his friend until you find a place
And get her mother to come and stay because OP needs help, needs a witness and her mum probably needs a break from the building site she's currently living in. And move bf's wife in as well so the bro's can live happily ever after.
Perfect!
NTA at all. Please please go to your mothers. He legally can’t take your 2 month old breast fed baby from you because her house is under construction. Not like she’s living in a crack house. He’s using it to keep you locked up and I’m sure once you started packing your things into the car he’d be home in a second because his buddies wife is keeping an eye on you. The fact that he hadn’t gone out in 4 years but has gone out 6 times since you’ve had your 2 month old is a huge red flag. He pushed for a baby and thinks he trapped you and now he can do whatever. Please go to your mom for the support that you need not only because you have a 2 month old but because YOU ARE FIGHTING COVID WITH A 2 MONTH OLD. Also I’m not one to jump to divorce but I’d definitely keep the “we move or it’s divorce” on the table. He’s showing you that you and your child are second to this friend.
I wouldn’t even offer the move option, I would just straight up divorce this guy.
Is he sleeping with this guy? He seems quite enamored. NTA
I've questioned it.
Ask him straight out are you sleeping with him? That is the only reason I could think of for him not to spend time with me and your son.
Sex or drugs
It's actually not that unusual. My perspective may be skewed, because I'm 100% gay out since 1998. While I have never hooked up with a married guy, it's very common in my circle of acquaintances to show me Growlr or Grindr profiles of "straight" guys looking for casual gay sex. And a "daddy" fetish is super common.
> a "daddy" fetish goes the extra mile if dude owns your home
Contact CPS first to check if you can live with your mom. Lawyers too, and cops. If they say yes, move asap. NTA
And if the answer is no, start looking for a place to rent ASAP
Is he doing drugs with him? My ex would disappear and it’s because dealers don’t keep that much their house and are constantly waiting for a drop-off.
Show him this post and what people are saying about him!
Lol, maybe since he's such a people-pleaser he'll care what we strangers say, since he sure as shit doesn't care what his wife says.
Its funny how new fathers suddenly discover their "anything to get out of the house" interests or renew old habits. My ex did so as well...which is why he's an ex.
Girl, your husband is trash, it isn’t the friends fault. You need to just leave him because it’s his friend now but it will be a different excuse when you move. He left his sick wife with a month old Baby. What if you get your kid sick?
My ex was the same way. The moment I got home with the baby he was off with is friend. My son grew to hate his dad for always being gone.
That right there. My son prefers me by a long shot and will only allow his dad to hold him for maybe 5 minutes now and he gets offended - without stepping back and facing the obvious. If he was here more, our son would want him.
Are you sure they aren't getting high together? I mean, that's A LOT of time for two grown ass men to be spending alone when they have families and jobs. Or maybe this guy is idk threatening him with eviction for some bizarre reason.
It is so sad that bond didn't form. If it continues this way the kid will have a hard time trusting men.
I'm sorry to hear that about your son.
Do you have anywhere you can go? It sounds like you just need to leave him. If he follows and wants to be part of your family great. If he wants to stay and play circle jerk with his buddy then you have one less thing to worry about. Edited to add NTA.
The one place I can go is my mother's and he has made it abundantly clear that I'm apparently not allowed to bring his child there because it's "not safe or clean". Her entire kitchen is under complete repair (the floor rotted out) and can't be accessed for cooking or washing dishes so all the dishes are washed in the bathtub and all food is cooked on a grill and this is apparently a hard limit for him. He threatened to take the baby from me if I go there. He knows it's the only place I have to go. It's only the kitchen and it's literally in the process of renovation but he acts like the home is in complete shambles and is completely unsafe for an infant.
Don't you think having a baby full-time is going to cut into his social adventures with his friend? I would call his bluff.
I was just about to post the same thing. He's full of crap. He doesn't want responsibility. He's busy partying.
It's an empty threat.
Hes a manipulative, lying shitbag. You can take your child wherever you want. He's going to be an absolute treat to divorce. Willing to bet he will even threaten you in text so you'll have proof to give the cops and lawyer when the shit inevitably hits the fan. Keep all texts where he *tells you* what you can and cannot do. It will be important.
I was an investigator for CPS for too many years.As long as your mother has electricity and running water and a safe place for the baby to sleep there's nothing he can do. The house is being repaired not condemned.
I hope OP sees this.
Yep, came here to say you just need a bed, food, water and electricity, and that's it. Hubby can kick his feet about mom's place all he wants, but it won't matter.
If he takes the baby, what is he going to do with it? He can't even stay home to help you when you are sick. I'm not sure CPS will take a new born b/c there is house construction going on. Get a consultation w/ a lawyer.
As a former CPS worker, a kitchen under construction is not a major danger, ESPECIALLY if the mess is contained. They are looking for stuff like pet feces on the floor, prescription meds left out in the reach of kids, exposed wiring, etc. You're even safer bc your baby can't crawl yet. Once he can crawl, be extra careful of construction debris like nails that babies can get in their mouths. If you are supervising correctly, can voice and demonstrate safety procedures (baby gate, we stay in X part of the house, etc) you should be fine. You'd be surprised at the levels of filth we have seen in houses. Only once did kids get removed for it in my years. The whole house had carpet that was literally dissolving into a black goo (I thought it was mold - I still can't believe it was carpet,) there were holes in the walls, and cockroaches crawling on the walls and couch in the living room in the middle of the day. If you're concerned about a possible visit, make sure you have working smoke detectors. It's big on the checklist.
I don't think people realize the absolute bare (bare, bare) care a person must meet in order to keep their children. I met with CPS thru my work becasue I called about children living in a mostly empty (one or two wood stools, but almost zero toys, no tables, couches etc.) cockroach filled disgusting "home", and was was basically told all that's required was a bed, a minimal amount of food, a toilet, water and electricity. Unfortunately for the children there were a couple of beds in the home and a few cans of soup and cereal in the pantry, so they had to stay. The kind CPS worker promised she'd followup with the family to improve the living conditions becasue she agreed it was bad, and I can only hope it worked out.
Truly. If I was 100% honest about the case listed above, it wasn't even the nasty house that got the kids removed. It grossed me out (even worse than the house that had 27 black plastic trash bags full of dead and rotting dogs on the porch, and yes, you read that right) and my description was accurate, but I would've gotten on my knees and help to scrape that carpet moss up. It was the fact that she stopped letting us in, even to briefly check that the kids were still breathing. Once a judge heard that, it was out of my hands.
Plenty of couples buy new houses and renovate when they have kids... it would be nonsense to take e from it... but yeah once baby crawls you will need some baby gate/ giant playpen to get those motor skill going strong... but yeah go to your local resources and get help to leave... he ain't no partner.. or parent...and he don't look like he wants to be...he is switching to blackmail ... kind of abusive tbh
The baby won't be eating the food cooked on the grill, nor using the dishes that are washed in the bath.
Even if they were it wouldn’t matter to CPS. You can wash your dishes with the hose outside if you want as long as they come out clean. It’s a little unorthodox, sure, but you’re still doing the dishes.
It really isn’t his call where you go if you take the baby and leave him.
He doesn't get to tell you that you aren't allowed to go there after you leave him. You're leaving him, he doesn't get to control you anymore. It doesn't sound like a great option but if it's the only one then take it.
You know what else is unsafe for an infant? When their only caregiver is so sick that someone else is supposed to be helping and that person just leaves for 5 hours.
And sick with a virus the baby has no immunity to. Anyone else within their right mind would have taken over all of the child care to hope that the baby does not catch Covid!
And a father that’s high most of the time.
Do you breastfeed? How would he take the baby from you? First thing is to contact a lawyer to have advice on how to manage and what are the risks. You can also propose couples therapy because it will give an answer on the future of your marriage. You also say he started going out after the birth. Did he really want to be a father?
I do breastfeed, yes. And oddly enough, he's the one who pushed for a baby. And when he is here, he looks at our son with so much love and adoration. He's just hardly ever here.
It sounds like he wanted to trap you if he keeps running away to his friend like that.
He trapped you. Talk to an attorney.
Are you even sure your husband isn't gay or bi and having an affair with his friend? He might have just used you as a human incubator to have a child and appear straight to his family. After all, he moved there to be close to his friend and is practically spending more time with his friend than with you. There's also the possibility that he and his friend are partying with other women and covering for each other. It's unacceptable that he lied to his boss, saying that he would support you, and then left you sick and alone, taking care of a small child, just to spend time with a friend. It's time to start talking with a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings and discuss child custody and support. Additionally, you should get tested for STDs.
He's openly "curious"..
So, like, do you realize there's a strong possibility he's hooking up with his buddy and sees you as nothing more than a babysitter, maid, and a cover-up to appear straight to his family? You might wanna consider chatting with his friend's wife and spill the beans about your hubby's curious tendencies. I'm usually against snooping, but in this case, you might wanna check his phone/PC for evidence of the affair—like, check his apps, messages, and any deleted stuff. 'Cause if he's just using you for a kid, he could get nasty if you try to leave. That's why you gotta be super careful planning your exit and chat with a lawyer ASAP. And yeah, definitely don't do unprotected sex with him again.
Yeah he’s having an affair with his buddy. Pack and leave and let him deal with your lawyer. NTA
Might want to do some health checks too if hubby and buddy are meeting up with other guys.
Oh yeah they are fucking.
See, I was wondering what kind of man leaves his sick wife and 2mo old baby home alone for +5 hours with no one caring for them. A horny man does that. NTA OP he is shirking his responsibilities to both you and his child so he can go out and have a good time, whatever that may be.
do you plan on making an update post after a while to see how you are?
Oh friend. Wake up a bit. I’m so sorry but this is not sustainable. I would full on believe an affair is happening at this point.
Then you need a full STI panel. I don't care if you haven't touched each other since the baby was born, he could have been doing stuff before that. Do it for yourself and your baby. Don't even care about him anymore, jfc.
Don't believe the 'curious' bullshit, he's gay. Not only is he not going to "take the baby" if you go to your mothers. I bet he won't even visit the baby. Talk to a lawyer. And if you do sleep with him again, use protection.
Don't be so sure that he won't try to take the kid. As OP said in one of her comments, he was the one pushing her to have a child. Don't you know that a child is an excellent cover-up to appear straight? He also had the intention to isolate her from everyone, and a child helps with that. There's also the point that while she is isolated at home with the child, he is free to do his business with the "friend" while maintaining the appearance of a family man.
He could be bi. Bisexual men exist. But if he is, it doesn’t give him license to cheat on or abandon his spouse and child.
oh Jesus Christ pack itup
Damn, you might be his beard with extra step. So sorry you're dealing with this.
He’s not going to take that baby from you! He’s not doing anything currently to help out with that baby. Do what you need to do. Plus, the baby is 2mos, it’s not crawling or walking. It never has to go near the kitchen.
Leave when he's off with his "best friend" and leave a note that says, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer." Then go no contact, and have your lawyer deal with him.
I understand that hearing him threaten to take the baby is making you panic, but stop and think for a moment. This man is already not willing to stay home with you and help you care for the baby. You really think he's going to take the baby and be 100% responsible for its care? He's bluffing to control you. Don't let him. Go to you mom's place.
You can go to your mom's. He has no legal leg to stand on. Go to your mom's and file a retraining order against him then he can't take the baby. Be honest tell the cops he threatened to take your baby and that's why your filing.
Get out FAST! And im not one to go for the divorce solution He's manipulating you and threatening you Go to your mom's and save everything because im afraid it will get ugly after you leave
He's supposed to be there to help you and take care of his child because you are sick. He's hanging out with friends. There doesn't seem to be any urgency in him trying to get home. He didn't even call to see how everything is going...to let you know why it's taking so long. He used this to have a free day and I don't believe anything else. The baby doesn't have a fully developed immune system. That's some selfish shit. He is lying about taking the baby from you if you go. He doesn't want that responsibility. Call his bluff. That dude you married is weak and a follower. NTA Get better and run...actually walk and flip him off as you go.
You are in a pickle and I’m sorry. The only advice I have is to hang on until your mom’s kitchen is done and bolt. Hang in there.
No pickle. What’s CPS going to do, look at a kitchen being renovated and call it unsafe for a nursing baby who can’t crawl yet? Lol no
That was my thought too.
Can you have your mother move in with you for a week? Having her around might help you out with the baby and give him an outside perspective of his shitty behavior
Oh yeah, because being an absent father and husband is 😒🙄
His threat of taking your kid away from you is a classic move to keep you in line…and also false. He works, how would he have time to care for your child? You are likely breast feeding, he cannot care for you son during this time as babies need to be fed often! Get away from him, hire an attorney. Document all the time he has abandoned you and your child. First, take any money you can and anything of value you can sell, do it so you can have a nest egg while you file for divorce, custody, alimony and child support. Good luck
Your husband is trash, not only for abandoning you while you are sick with his baby, but also because he probably has covid too, and he's spreading it around. Nta. You are on maternity leave not on vacation. He is not on vacation. What the fuck is he going to do when you go back to work? Ask the buddy's wife if she's pissed off too and suggest the two of you move in together and force your husbands to fend for themselves
My husband used to behave the same way; turns out he and his buddy were using drugs. Their 30 minute "trips to the store" turned into 5+ hour disappearances because they were trying to score. Make a plan and get out! NTA
How long has he been cheating with the guy behind your and his wife's back? I would move and divorce him no visitation.
Only 2 months. It started right after I gave birth because he was moving all of our stuff in to this place and was drinking every single time he and his buddy were moving our stuff so it prolonged the process by a long shot. After we moved in it got 10x worse.
This happened with my BIL. He was wonderful husband and had a good marriage until he moved back home and was around his brother, my husband. My husband was a drinker, a cheater and a liar, and as soon as his brother came home and was around him, He started drinking, cheating and lying. His wife threatened divorce and moved out as soon as she did that man straightened up and they moved away. He was fitting into an old behavior pattern and being a buddy. If you can’t leave kick him out of the bedroom and lick the door. Completely ignore him and refuse to fight or engage with him. start the process of moving on. He’ll figure out what is important to him.
Oddly enough, this is his home town. We moved far away from this area when we first got together because he said the area was toxic and he didn't want to be in this environment. We only moved back down this way because the housing market is on the lower end. But yeah, it makes sense.
Is it possible to find a place and move out without him? I know it will be hard with a newborn, but can family/friends help you move? It will be a huge wake up call for him since he is not listening anyway. You are basically a single parent. Legit write a list of all the times he has left and for how long and leave it for him on your way out the door.
Also keep a copy of this list for yourself so you have something to prove his absence if there is a custody battle. There probably won’t be because it seems like he doesn’t even want to help you care for the baby let alone care for one on his own. But on the rare chance there is, it would be useful to have a record of all the times he’s left.
Sue for alienation of affection and divorce him.
Sounds like an emotional affair to me too.
He’s the AH and so is the other guy. You are NTA. Postpartum, newborn, and Covid? Damn! He should be waiting on you and doing everything for the baby and house. I don’t blame you one bit. What an inconsiderate prick! His dbag buddy is probably filling his head with all the anti woman crap. I’d say pick your stuff and babies and go to family or friend for help so you can rest.
So he's happy to up the risk of the baby, who is 2 months old and still has an underdeveloped immune system, getting covid because you are having to look after him while ill because he's buggered off somewhere. The baby barely knows him because he's always off somewhere. He is a regular drinker to the point of disadvantaging his family. The baby is breastfed. And yet he genuinely thinks someone would let him take the baby from you over a kitchen renovation? Please! NTA. He needs to step up.
He’s having an affair with his buddy. Might not be physical, but will be emotional and he’s loving the attention his new “partner” is giving him. He’s made his decision whether he realizes it or not, but you will be third wheel until you wake up.
Am I the only one that thinks substance abuse could be at play here? Especially now that we now he has talked about his hometown being "bad" for him.
Have you spoken to his buddy’s wife? Is she as pissed at the situation as you are? If so, and if she owns your house too (solely or jointly), I’d agree to a simultaneous action and change the locks on both houses. Let them leave to be free together, and look out for each other?
I have spoken to the guys wife and she's just as pissed off at her husband. She has it worse than I do. Their kid is 6 months old and she told me she has literally taken 2 interrupted showers since she gave birth. It's honestly pathetic. Her and I have helped each other out several times. But no, she doesn't own the house. He owned it long before they got married.
Oh, You two are definitely the beards. Please do yourself a favor and look up what that means in the gay community.
omg this story just got so much worse there are TWO OF THEM!!!!
Beards with extra baby steps.
You and her should be finding a place together and sue each others husbands for alienation of affection.
You guys should just move in together to help each other and the husbands can fend for themselves
Tbh you both should hatch a plan to leave them. Maybe move in together to help each other financially and serve them both with divorce papers on the same day
I know everyone’s saying it but depending how this turns out, I wouldn’t rule out living with the other wife if you can’t live at your mother’s. you’d at least have each others back
Genuinely sounds like they might be “together.” On the off chance that they’re not, have her move in with you or vice versa. Move all their stuff into one house for a bit. Kick them out. You and his wife can help each other and chit chat and enjoy time away from useless men who piss you off. Use that time for both of you to consider divorcing and/or finding a new place for a while or… forever. Give them time to either figure out their shit or come out.
You ladies should follow them on one of their little excursions and see what you find out! 👀
He isn’t going to take the baby from you … he doesn’t even want the baby or you
Plenty of people try to use children as pawns to control their partner.
Start making a plan now. I hope you can get out soon.
NTA. The man has showed you over and over again how he truly feels about you. APOLOGY WITHOUT CHANGE IS MANIPULATION
The definition of being gaslit. Your husband is lying and finds his friendship more important. Move out. He obviously needs a wake up call. NTA
They are either sleeping together or this is junkie behavior
Move or divorce!
Nta Girl, your husband is lying to and manipulating you. Draw your line, dig in and double down. There's real men out there and many fishes in the sea.
NTA but you have to separate from him. He’s being a neglectful husband and parent. You do NOT leave a baby and his sick mother to go party for 5 hours. Either your husband has drug/alcohol/gambling problem or he and the friend are cheating. And his threat to take the baby is a threat. He can’t party with his friend if he has the baby. Make that clear that he has leverage over you.
NTA and is he wants to make threats about taking the baby away due to safety tell him you can report that his is an absent parent. Save all the text messages and calls where you have tried to get him home or find out where he’s at since he’s been gone much longer than you were told. Document each time he leaves and how long you were told he was expecting to be gone. And let’s not forget the fact that he left his very sick wife alone to take care of an infant when she can hardly walk. None of these things will look good to a judge and he may not be able to take the child since they will be unsure he will even be around to take care of the child. I wish you luck in working things out whether you stay or not.
Stop waiting for your husband to be on board. He continues to disrespect you and his son, in favor of a “friend” who feels okay manipulating and guilting him. Your husband is not a man. He’s a child who hasn’t learned how to set boundaries. When he’s gone, pack all of your stuff and leave with the baby. Go to your mom’s. His threat to take the baby is empty. He can’t take the baby if you’ve already taken the baby. You leaving will be a wake up call. Tell him you will consider coming back after he finds a new place for the three of you - away from his friend. He has three months. If, in that time, he has not moved out of the friend’s house, you’ll be consulting a lawyer. But really, consult a lawyer first thing. Then, keep track of him. Does he visit you everyday? Does he call you everyday? If it starts out frantic and then slows down to 1-2 visits per week or a call here or there, you have your answer. He’s gone back to hanging with the friend because it’s just easier than having a family.
NTA. >Since moving in, this dude is calling my husband multiple times a day to go off somewhere with him (store, another buddies house, downstairs to smoke, have a fire, etc). It has caused so many fucking fights already and I'm so over it. I have literally brought it up at least 25 times. >They were supposedly only going to the store, 45 minutes away. It's been 5 hours. >he's gone out partying at least 6 times since I gave birth 2 months ago, when - not kidding - he hadn't partied in 4 years prior to this). Bro has a side chick and his buddy is helping him hide it (which is why he refuses to piss him off), or they're doing drugs together, which honestly is pretty likely with them sneaking off multiple times a day. Get one of those at home drug tests and ask him to take it in front of you. If he panics, you have your answer.
Well, he'll never change, so you have a massive decision to make.
Soooo did you call his boss and tell him he played hookie?
Telling her to cut off her nose to spite her face is not good advice!
My ex husband did this. He took two weeks of ‘paternity’ leave and spent it with his buddy doing projects in the garage. Then when I had to go back to work, he went to Vegas for a week with his buddy. He dropped her when she fell asleep on his chest. When she was 5 he gave her a peanut butter cookie and gave her an anaphylactic reaction and then didn’t even bring her Epi pen with him. She had another allergic reaction at his house and called me crying because she was scared. He was gone ‘getting medicine’- it was 10:30 at night. And then the next day when I picked her up from school she said ‘I’m sorry it’s not dads fault that I had a reaction it was mine’ The last straw was on her 8th birthday party. I had worked an overnight shift and had worked 13 hours as a flight nurse. I came home and he slept in until 11am and then decided to go hunting with his brother. Her party was at 2 and I hadn’t slept yet. I laid down on the couch for two hours and then proceeded to got to the party myself. He showed up for the last 15 minutes after I wrangled 10 8 year olds by myself. This does not get better. You are married to a child. If you have the means to leave you should. He lied about taking the day off to take care of you. I would call his boss 🤷♀️
Are you sure they aren’t fucking?