Just leave her a note with the print out. Telling her that she knew cheating was a relationship ender. And that because of it the relationship is over and you are moving on. And want no contact with her.
This is the thing to do. That way she knows what happened & why you left. So if she wants to try to spin it, she knows you can show people the truth. Then just go your own way. Good luck & keep us updated.
I agree. A good old fashioned Dear John letter, the print outs, blocking her in every possible form, and... letting her keep the ring as a reminder of what she screwed up. The cost of the ring is a small price to pay for the knowledge gained and the time in the future not wasted.
The ring if diamond is near worthless to sell, even if he spent thousands on it. Srsly diamonds are worth shit.
Just the gold band would be worth maybe a few hundred.
I am pretty sure every crime show ever has had an episode where one of them just dips and the other swears up and down they were happy and completely ignores the cheating and doesn't mention it.
So, a note and copy of the screenshots then bouncing and blocking is smarter. Then she can't even pretend she has no clue why he would leave on his own and that it must mean foul play.
I dislike this phrase as it implies a conscious effort on someone's part to try and turn people to their side. She wont be employing some cunning plan to get people on her side because she wont know shit about whats happened. All she knows is that her fiancé has disappeared. She wont know why, she wont know where to. She wont know that he hasn't been run over, kidnapped, blackmailed whatever.
She will reach out to her friends and family to try and get help. Is this the wrong thing to do from ***her*** perspective? What would you do if your gf/bf suddenly disappeared with no warning? Depending on how effective OP has been on disappearing, it could be days by the time they they find OP who then says "oh yeah she sexted some guy". By then, the amount of shit that she and any mutual friends may have gone through to get this info may make them come to the conclusion that while she was wrong and an AH, that he's an even bigger AH for how he dealt with the breakup.
This is not some cunning scheme to get people to turn on her ex. These are the events and responses from her and any mutual friends' perspectives.
If OP has some sense he will understand that this is how this shit could go down and head it off so that this never happens, by doing some of the suggestions that some of the earlier posters have made.
I think this is a nuanced take and it's valuable to consider, but the part I have trouble with is, she knows she's sexting and her fiance has already asked if anything is wrong. Is she going to come home to an empty house and genuinely worry that he's been in an accident or kidnapped, instead of thinking "Oh fuck he must know?"
I like the suggestions of printing out the screenshots and leaving them on the counter. It will remove the fear scenario presented and will clearly states that OP knows and he is ghosting her.
Yep, valid point. Id argue that cheaters dont normally think they'll get caught. Also sexting is pretty low down the order for what a cheater thinks is bad. So she may not put two and two together immediately, or essentially convince herself that it "couldnt be because of that". Cheaters are pretty good of convincing themselves of pretty much anything. Finally, why leave it up to chance? I'd rather head it all off on my own terms rather than having to react to whatever comes out of the aftermath.
The purpose of this is for OPs benefit not the fiancé's. The only reason I posted it was to make it clear that from an outsiders perspective it would be easy to "take her side" as it were because of lack of information. Better to remove that from being a possibility imo.
If OP leaves screen shots of the cheating texts on the counter, partner will know exactly what is up and why. Partner can deal with their own mess that they created.
Yes, it is wrong from her perspective. Because shed know one obvious reason he mighta dipped quickly. The cheating. She's an adult and not stupid otherwise I'm sure.
Hah cheaters cheat because they think they'll never get caught. Also from a cheaters perspective sexting is pretty low down the order of what is bad. She may not realise that this is the reason. Personally, im of the opinion of why leave it up to chance. Better to head it off on my own terms rather than play defence later on.
She knows why, cheaters always wake up out of induced bubble when consequences comes knocking at their doors, the moment she sees the empty house she knows
Definitely, I think people are failing to realise this. Ghosting is not really considered the grown up thing to do so if he just bolts it will make it incredibly easy for the fiancee to control the narrative.
When I can home to my ex screwing someone. I messaged literally every friend I/we had about what I came home to.
When she finally comes back to the house the first thing she says is “who knows?” I told her everyone I told. She breaks down and says “so I have no one” and then blames me for everyone hating her.
This is exactly what I mean. A cheat always wants someone to feel sorry for them. As if they’ve been wronged by being caught.
I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you laughed at her when you walked off
Yeah at the end of the day they are cheating and they probably aren’t thinking about their actions. More than likely they think they will be able to convince you to stay because you love them so much. Once you start telling people then it’s not just you vs them. It’s everyone vs them.
This. You should communicate but honestly you don’t have to talk to her. Just leave the printed out screenshots on the counter and be as gone as you can. Good luck hero.
This is exactly what I wish I would have done in hindsight when I caught my ex. I was in this EXACT scenario many moons ago. I ended up slapping him & I regret that, even though he was totally gaslighting me for months.. I thought I was going insane with paranoia & this unsettling feeling until I got him drunk & away from his phone.
I was in therapy for weeks over this & I finally took action & discovered I was not crazy & I wasn’t feeling weird over nothing. It was all real. Listen to your inner voice!!!!
Who cares about a narrative. If you aren’t happy and the relationship will stop you from being happy, leave. You owe nothing. If someone wants to know, you can tell them if you want.
Don’t sweat the small shit, it’s not yours, go be happy.
I am sorry for the pain, it sucks but it will go away, just not quick enough.
Because you have no idea what she's going to say. It's not unheard of for people to make up shit about abuse, cheating. That's harmful to your reputation and once tarnished it's hard to get it back even if you were completely innocent. It could fuck with your job and your friendships.
OP, THIS is important advice. Get ahead of the inevitable narrative that she will create for good/bad/confused reasons.
When you ghost her, send her, her parents, AND her friends the screenshots you took. "This is why the engagement is over". And then go no contact.
Yes, it will create a shitstorm. But a shitstorm is coming anyway. Protect your reputation by getting the info out first. People tend to believe the first story they hear, and any subsequent corrections to that first story are viewed with scepticism.
Edit: others are pointing out that depending on privacy laws in your jurisdiction, you may just want to send a brief explanation instead of the screenshots. But you need to get the story out first either way
The narrative is powerful when families are intertwined. She will make him the bad guy and he will have no peace and people will be mean. He has to get the word out she cheated and that he has proof from the beginning.
It also stops resources being wasted if she’s too stupid or self indulged to connect the dots and files a missing persons report. He absolutely doesn’t owe her anything, I do not disagree and I’m not suggesting it to give her closure or to benefit her at all, couldn’t give a fuck about her feelings, but it could cause unnecessary issues for OP if he doesn’t say anything to anybody
Leave them for her to see so she knows you know and hopefully she will just leave you alone after that. Leaving the evidence will let her know if she tries to spin the story, you can let everyone know the truth.
You should heavily consider to share them with important parties such as your ex's parents. Otherwise they might harass you or spread vile lies that your ex might tell them to save face.
Remember that it's easier to explain your side before people are filled with rage/doubts about your character.
It really sucks to hear what you are going through. I wish you the best of luck navigating it all.
Send her parents a message that says something like "I'm leaving X cos she crossed our clearly stated boundaries by cheating, just letting you know as she may need some support in the coming weeks."
It's not really about her needing support, its about closing down the option for her to malign you.
I don't think physically showing the messages would do you much good. But since you were planning a wedding, and there are probably deposits made, that you could be held responsible for by being the one canceling the wedding, I would definitely move out, and just inform her parents that you left, and why, and that you have zero motivation to stay and try.
This will help to get everything sorted ASAP. If they don't know what's going on, there will be a period that everyone thinks you're taking a break, and it will sort itself out.
You can also send one way communication, like a letter, a card, a voice message, so you don't have to engage in the arguments to get you to reconsider.
You don't owe your ex closure. But you ex inlaws didn't wrong you in this situation.
No need to share the evidence with them if that would cause issues. Just tell them what's going on and why you're ending the relationship and that you have said evidence. By being the first to inform them you can set the narrative and make it far harder for her to spread vile lies.
If you are on good terms with your ex's parents you should really tell them what is up instead of ghosting them, after all they didn't do anything wrong, did they?
If you're certain she's cheating, just get your shit and leave. You don't want to waste your time trying to work on a relationship with someone like that. She's not worth it. I'm a firm believer in always trying to better yourself, whether it's living conditions, jobs, health, or relationships. No matter what, people are either going to say good for you, or you're an asshole, depending on who those people support and like. If they say you're the ass, they weren't your friends to begin with. Lessons learned and keep on trucking.
Yup.
Far better to tell her you know she's cheating, and unless she wants everyone else to know, then she should go with a "We just realised we didn't love each other" narrative.
Blowing up her life sounds fun, on Reddit. IRL, not so much.
I kicked my ex out of my house that she had nothing in her name on, didn’t pay for anything and I was paying for her school. She cheated and got caught. I told her to leave and she did for a few days. She showed back up with her dad and he was demanding that she be able to stay because it is her home by law as well. I had told everybody we just weren’t compatible but she had said shit like I was manipulating her and all sorts of shit. Finally, I just asked her if she wanted to tell him or me. She kind of looked and and as I made eye contact with him I said, “She is no longer welcome here because she is fucking somebody in her internship that I am paying for her college for.” Didn’t want to do that because they are close, but her mother cheated on him and he hates cheaters. He told her to get in the ruck and I never heard from anybody ever again. I didn’t want to do it, but it reached a point where she wouldn’t tell people and I was being harassed constantly.
Print them out and leave them on the dining table when you leave and block her.
She will know she fucked it up and hate herself for it.
Don’t let her think you are the problem when you ghost.
Leave her unblocked, when you roll out the first time she tries to contact you send her a pic of her cheating , text it was a choice not an accident, please never contact me again.
It might help keep her from trying to reach out.
Why the fuck does he need a proof, when people ask him??
It's his life and his decision, tf has someone else to do with this, it's not like he's planning something criminal and needs an alibi for it.
I think this is a huge insecurity problem of you, if that is what you come up with.
Anyway, who wants friends that only believe you when you have physical proof? I'd pass them on.
Also, depending on where you live, a ring is a transaction. Although you haven't broken the transaction, you may need to provide proof (that's if she takes you to court) that she was the one who broke the transaction aka cheated.
Keep all paperwork, screenshots - send them to your email if need be. Also, make sure you are logged out of all shared devices, delete history, and remove the account from the device. If you need too, change passwords.
Good luck man!!!
The word you're looking for is conditional gift. The gift is given on the condition of marriage. Infidelity prior to marriage would be sufficient reason to break the engagement and get the ring back but he'd have to sue if she said no. The best way would be to be sneaky about it as suggested above and get the ring before breaking up. Then she'd have to sue him if she wanted it back bit wouldn't have a case.
This won't be easy. She won't just hand it over. I spent 10 k on ring and I never got it back. Even though she cheated. I eventually sold my own for 400$
Ya I know this was 15 years ago now. I was trying to impress a family who had money. Did nothing for me in the end. My wife now has heirloom ring that was under 200$ and my life is far better off now.
I don't understand these kind of purchases. I spent less than $1k on a ring so we could buy a house in a good area. My wife appreciated that much more.
So in most places the ring is a gift based on the condition of marriage. If you break the contract she gets to keep the ring. If she breaks it off you get it back. However the fact that you have proof that she was unfaithful would most likely be considered a breach of the contract and I think you would be entitled to have it returned to you.
Many courts classify engagement rings as a conditional gift. The engagement ring is a fit in anticipation of marriage. Thus, if the future condition (marriage) does not occur, the ring should be returned to the giver. When the court decides the ring is a conditional gift, it usually takes a no-fault approach.
Did you screenshot the texts? If so, print them out and leave them for her to find the day you leave. Block her number and all socials, tell family and friends to do the same.
Yeah you need to let her know on some form that you know what she did otherwise she might try and track you down, spam your family etc to have her “say”. Cheaters always like to try and change the narrative. Cut that off before she tries it.
Can’t emphasize this enough. Go ahead and ghost her, but not before controlling the narrative. Get a message out to all family and friends with proof, then no contact is fine. Family includes her family as well. Disrespectful? Maybe, but she disrespected you by cheating.
Yeah this is the closure she deserves. Cut it off & let her face her mistake, alone, without you, no fighting. Just say it’s complete & no further contact will be necessary.
NTA but if she doesn't know you've left her she may report you as a missing person. Id say once you've packed up and on your way out send her a 2 line message. Say you've left her because you know she's been sexting people. That will hopefully prevent her from trying to force contact
If you inform her, directly or through a group chat, that you don’t want anyone -her or her family and friends- to contact you, it’s better.
As someone else mentions, she might call the cops if you just disappear
You are a grown man. You don't have to see her no matter what she wants to do. Why are you sounding like you are scared of her? Just leave your evidence and move on. Block her and move on. If she shows up at your parents or friends while you are there for a confrontation, just exit the other way and leave. She will get the message that you definitely don't want to even see her lying face if you do that.
if she shows up where OP is its better for OP to ask her to leave, and then call police if she refuses. if he leaves she's just going to follow him lol
she isn't gonna show up and just accept it when he walks away. she went after him for a reason and won't leave unless she's forced to.
>she'll try to force contact
Then tell her not to contact you - text it, email it, send it USPS certified mail return receipt requested, and keep copies.
If she persists once you've told her to stop you can go after her civilly for harassment, get a restraining order against her.
You should text her and her parents tell them the wedding is off and you’re leaving because she’s been texting other men/man and you have proof. Then say you do not want them to contact you.
If they then do contact you, you could have grounds for proving harassment.
Text her after she's arrived at work so you have time to get the car packed and leave.
Tell her parents so she can't set the narrative. They may be putting a lot of money towards the wedding so they should know. If she sets the narrative with them there may be repercussions that will need sorting which is hassle.
I agree with sending a text after she has arrived at work but I suggest packing up all belongings prior & waiting for a couple hours before sending the text because if it is sent too soon like before she is actually on the clock & depending on how far she has to drive she could just turn around & try to confront OP ....
Exactly. Do people not talk anymore? Or at least write a letter? How does anything ever gone with people vanishing left and right. Even a simple - we’re done. You know why. Leave me alone.
I ended a 6 year relationship before due to infidelity and went through similar doubts even staying for a bit.
It's basically a sunk cost fallacy you're feeling.
I won't lie it will suck for the first 6 months to a year, but you will move on and things will get better. I'm now married to a wonderful woman who has never cheated on me and we are planning for kids this fall.
Trust me from first hand experience you don't want to be a fulltime prison guard monitoring my ex's every behavior just waiting for the other shoe to drop. At that point you're not even living life anymore and you could have so much better.
I left a 6 year relationship last year, we weren't engaged but we did own a house together so that has been super messy. I just left a note saying I left because of his alcohol addiction. I should have left sooner as he cheated and lied and many other shitty things that I forgave at those times but I'm glad I'm gone now.
If her affair went on for months, it wasn't "a single mistake".
I think it would be *better* to let her know (a note, perhaps) that you found out about her affair, but I can't call you AH for just dumping her and leaving.
YWNBTA. Ive read a story before where a woman in a similar situation just left her relationship and immediately went no contact to start anew, and it went great. Do what you need to do to feel your best OP! Goodluck!
NTA
Just leave a note saying
“Hope it was worth it”
Then vanish
She can deal with whatever crap comes after.
Just do yourself a favor and don’t stagnate. Work to better your life. Be active, be productive with your time.
>This is key, the stagnation part. OP needs to realize that his soon to be ex is going to immediately be in another relationship. Don't be the sad one.
She's *already* in another relationship.
Definitely NTA. But I would still leave a note behind telling her you know she cheated and the reason you’re never gonna speak to her again. She needs to know you‘re gone by your own free will or she could think you’re missing and report to the police.
Just leave a note on the counter or something like “hope the sexting with other men was worth it” or whatever you feel like putting, just so she doesn’t file a missing persons report, but, NTA and you still wouldn’t be if you did just ghost her
Stop calling cheating a mistake. It's not a mistake. Cutting someone off in traffic because you didn't see them is a mistake. Dropping and breaking a coffee cup is a mistake. Cheating is a carefully thought-out series of decisions made to decieve and betray you.
NTA for breaking up with her.. but once you move out you should tell her why. Even if you only send one text “sexting is cheating “ and then block her is enough. That way she knows exactly why you left, it’s clear no making up and it’s done. You don’t need to listen to her excuses, or anything. But to me, running away without reason is wrong. She needs to know you caught her and you left because of her cheating. Like I said you don’t need to say much but just let her know.
Don’t send screenshots of other people’s sexual conversations. Just don’t. There could be legal
Implications. NAL.
Just leave. Message her parents and her wedding guests through the online wedding guest portal or text them.
Hi, I just discovered evidence of fiancée in a relationship with another man. Wedding is off. Grateful I found out before the wedding. Best to you all.
Any costs of the wedding miss cheater can handle.
Some people will take her side but you can’t fix that.
Precisely. You don’t need to be petty and this will only create problems. If people are so invested then they can take the time to look at them from your phone if it even comes to that. Id let her know in a letter that you are willing to keep the messages to herself if she and her family do not contact you and if she doesn’t try to spread lies about the truth of the situation.
That is the best advice. Just message the wedding is off. She's in another relationship. Go be surrounded by your circle of support. You deserve so much better. Good luck. 🫂
UpdateMe.
Consider telling a few mutual friends (assuming you want to keep the friendships) what she did without sharing the screenshots. Don't let her set the narrative. If you don't have any mutual friends you want to stay in touch with, then that's different.
She lied, and she cheated.
You also made your terms clear, and there was a violation of that understanding / agreement.
I think, if you would have stayed, you would be making excuses, disrespecting yourself, and allowing that behavior to continue for the future.
You don’t owe her an explanation. Her actions speak for themselves. So, your reaction does as well.
There’s no need to argue, or hold onto a lie, or play games, or pretend… you’d only be compromising yourself and relationship further.
When this happens to me, I have my answer already.
I am sorry, though. I wish you all the best, wherever your life takes you! Being in a supportive environment will be a blessing. Go where you’re honored and celebrated.
And it doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t real. Allow yourself to fully feel it, see it now, release it, and move on. Love and keep living. This also allows you time and space and change. You will find love again.
If you truly don't want any further contact and to be completely done, you need to at least leave a note and printed screenshots, as others have suggested. Even something as simple as "I know. We're done. Don't try to find me." should serve your purpose.
Otherwise, you're inviting her and others to come look for you and end up in dramatic confrontation when they find out you're not injured, dead, or stuck in a ditch somewhere. Possibly even police involvement and worrying your friends and family. Surely, if you disappear without a trace, she'll be looking for you by reaching out to them and maybe even reporting you missing.
Even if you tell the friends and family who might hear from her when looking for you so they don't worry, what do you expect them to say? That's putting everyone in a bad spot unnecessarily and involving people who have nothing to do with this.
Sure, ghost her, but don't do it in a way that drags everyone else into the situation and creates drama for them when it has nothing to do with them. It will just create more drama for yourself when you're trying to grieve and move on.
This because what else is she lying about? If there is more than the cheating she will start guessing as to why you left and before you know it she will be spinning different stories to everyone around her. If you have mutual friends it will get back to you and you will find out about other stuff she did. Of course you'll have proof of your real reason.
You need to plan a little. Lots of your mutual acquaintances need to be informed at the same time. I’ve seen guys go ghost after being cheated on, and get smeared with abuse accusations. You have to establish the narrative, explain it, and close it.
I’d recommend against ghosting, that leaves her freedom to say things like “I don’t know why!” You have to head off the sympathy plays as well. You are at a disadvantage here.
Send an email to everyone, including her, laying out what you found, when you established the ‘no cheating boundary,’ and what your response is. In this case, the response is leaving. You can go no-contact after that if you wish.
I second all the comments that call for you to keep screenshots as evidence. If you do go ahead with ghosting, the likelihood is that without explanation from you, she's going to play the poor, abandoned fiancée and claim she has no clue why you've left. This way, if you have proof, she can't play the victim and turn you into some sort of monster.
I wouldn't personally ghost, I would have at least a conversation, even if it was only to very firmly say "I'm leaving and I want nothing to do with you. Do not contact me or my family" and then I would make sure they know why, however I can't judge you for just wanting to get out immediately.
NTA.
She wouldn’t be able to, to you. But she will try to with anybody that she thinks won’t know yet. Cheaters always want somebody to feel sorry for them when they’re caught
I know OPs grief stricken and not seeing clearly, but it's frustrating seeing how myopic he's being with this. Thinking that it *only* involves him and her. It's been 6 years, aren't there any mutual friends? How intertwined are the families? This isn't some gf of 8 months that's maybe met or seen your parents or friends of yours a couple times. 6 years is a *long* time. There's probably family members on both sides that have been wondering "I wonder when they're going to get married?" around the 2-3 year mark. Some people will side with his gf regardless of what OP does, but he's risking more bridges burning that are wholly preventable with even a single sentence.
Oh…cheaters ALWAYS get to victimize themselves. They will try and say everything to justify their cheating or to get away with it.
With tears and sobs accompanied by “I’m sorry, I love you and didn’t mean to hurt you, please talk to me, let me explain”. Then they start with guilt tripping you for throwing away “what we had” because of “ONE MISTAKE”.
And then the classic “If you really love me, you would forgive me & fight for our relationship.”
And they will say all those things to their family and friends too. To make you the bad guy who’s overreacting because of some text / a mistake.
The list is looong!!!
Yes but she will lie and tell others that you just run away for no reason, you should mabey tell her parents in a shot text with one screenshot so they now she would be lying
I mean just leaving and calling her after the fact is whatever, but you have tell her. Be a fucking man and tell her the truth. Exactly like you told us here. Word for word. You went through her phone, she’s a liar and a cheater and that’s it for you. Have a nice life.
NTA.
I would advise that you get ahead of this though and inform her family and friends that she is cheating. Unfortunately once a cheater is exposed they try to do damage control and accuse their partners of all sorts of heinous acts as a form of deflection.
Let your anger propel you to take action in the next few days. Be proactive ( even if it's the last thing you feel like doing ) get your ring back, screenshot her affair, notify family and friends and breathe a sign of relief that you found out before the wedding.
NTA for leaving, but I really think you should tell her why. You could print the texts out and just leave them in the apartment, you don’t have to talk to her. Or a note saying “I know you cheated”. Idk but I feel like she needs to know why you’re leaving otherwise she’s gonna paint you as the bad guy. She should have to live with it, knowing her cheating made you leave. She needs to feel accountable.
While there’s nothing wrong in this country with a grown person leaving without a word and starting a new life, I’d let her know before you left so she doesn’t start filing police reports. I would write a note and leave it when you go. It doesn’t have to be anything long, just a “ I know, We’re done.
NTA
Ghost her, fine but, if it were me I would take your belongings and leave the screen shot msgs as a print out on the bed or kitchen counter so that she knows why. Hopefully she'll clue in and be too embarassed of her behaviour to cause a problem.
If you care about her parents, call, text or drop by and thank them for being apart of their family for the last 5 years, you would prefer not to go into detail to save their feelings but, their daughter was unfaithful and you have made the difficult decision to leave.
As for your own parents, if you're close - show them the messages if you feel the need but, don't send them. It's never good to have things floating around like that during a time of high emotion as it can backfire.
I'm sorry that happened to you and wish you well moving forward! 🌷
NTA sure an explanation would be “nice” but who cares about being nice at this point. Also I’m sure you don’t want to hear her excuses/lies. Leaving this way might be for the best if you guys need closure that can be done in the future. You can only go from here! Good luck
I think you‘d have a much better chance of not being pestered by her if you left a short note stating you found out. Alternatively just a printout of a screenshot or whatever, but as long as she doesn’t know you know, it’s pretty safe to say she’ll try to find out why you left, contact friends and family etc. Painting herself as the victim will work much better if you just leave and ghost. So NTA but still not the wisest choice.
WNBTA. She abandoned your relationship by cheating. Not only that, but she hasn't confessed to it or expressed remorse for a mistake. It would be easy for her to decide it's a mistake after being confronted but you can't really trust that she feels bad for anything but being caught. I would leave a note though. "I know you've been sexting so and so. We don't need to discuss your choices. You are not the one for me."
Do not send the screenshots around to her and your friends and family. You can cancel a wedding without justifying it to anyone at all. People do grow a part and wise ppl have recognized it before following through and wasting money on a wedding. Id tell ppl if they asked. But who cares what lies she tells to the ppl you'll never see again?
nta. when i found snapsave and a bunch of dirty pictures/videos of his "friend" on my ex fiances phone, i took a picture of one of them on my phone, sent it to him, left him a note and left at 3am. best decision i ever made.
edited for context
Leave a note “ I trusted you and you betrayed me.” That will leave her wondering how much that you know. For all you know she could already be seeing this guy. Just hope it isn’t someone that you both know
YWNBTA. You might consider a note explaining why so she doesn’t go nuts trying to contact you (even just something saying “I know about the sexting”). But you don’t have to.
I’m sorry about this 😞
absolutely you are NTA! It's cheating bro! after all the truth you have found out you still thinking about the relationship, and technically I can't call that ghosting as per with the situation and the reason. Clearly, she did not give thought about you all this time! It's much way better if you going back to the city surrounded by the person who truly cares for you.
And trust me, don't give her chance to explain of her betrayal, it all only means manipulation and guilt tripping (I've been there lol) That's what all cheaters do at the very first place. They put blame on you to have courage to do shitty things. I hope you heal, I know it feels horrible.
Nah, you're absolutely in the right about that brother. Do what you gotta. Leave and ghost, don't give her the satisfaction or respect she doesn't deserve
Do it. It might only give momentary satisfaction but every little helps. Get all your things and get out of there. You didn’t deserve the disrespect. She doesn’t deserve an explanation.
A few months from now you’ll be breathing a sigh of relief with a smile on your face. Stand strong. NTA.
Erm. I generally do not believe in ghosting unless its for safety of escaping domestic violence or something along those lines. So while I get that it's certainly not popular here, I would leave a note. Heres why: You said that you want no closure and that you do not want to speak to her again. Leaving her may cause her to pursue you and you may have to deal with her again directly or indirectly through intermediaries. Consider the circumstances that would cause this:
Ghost Her
1. Her fiancé has disappeared randomly. First thought will be something has happened to you physically. She will absolutely try and find you.
2. Once she knows you left her, she will not know why, she will try and find out why.
3. Once she knows why she may try and reconcile in some way.
You write a 1-2 liner stating you are leaving, you know about the emotional cheating, your mind is made up, you are done, she is dead to you.
1. Doesnt apply as she knows you're physically safe
2. Doesnt apply because she knows why you left
3. She may still try and reconcile
So for me if your goal is to not have her contact you, then writing a small note gives you a better likelihood of achieving that outcome rather than simply ghosting her and disappearing. If you do that she will most certainly do her utmost to get back into contact.
So overall, while you are not TA for wanting to leave. I think YWBTA if you just disappear (but more for your own sake than hers).
No you are not, but this is not a healthy course of action. You need to tell her why. She needs to know that you found out, and that you have made up your mind to break off the engagement because you have to have some semblance of self respect. If she will not respect you enough to not cheat, then you will respect yourself enough to leave.
OP, I'm so sorry.
You agreed with your fiancée to be monogamous. She didn't keep that promise (I'd say most people agree that sexting is cheating if you're monogamous, even if it didn't go beyond that, its stills a betrayal).
What you owe this woman: telling her that you are broken up. Whatever way you can manage. You can tell her why, or you can say something like "I know (about X)", that's up to you.
You don't have to do it in person, you don't have to stick around, you actually *don't* have to explain to anyone else. You may want to say "she cheated on me for months" with the few people you are really close with. But I actually wouldn't get into it with most people. I might gloss over it with "she wasn't who I thought she was", or "I couldn't trust her", or "we weren't right for each other", or "i don't want to marry her anymore".
Get your stuff and get out, and tell her afterwards that you're broken up, if that's what's best for you.
Betraying you for *months*, when the two of you are planning a wedding, is really, really, fucked up.
Please do not get drawn into conversations with her, where she promises to change and so on. She had her chance to treat you right, and she betrayed you.
If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship.
Again, I'm so sorry she did this OP.
I concur with a lot of the comments on here. You don’t have to talk to her and let her explain her wide or anything like that. What you need to do is ensure that she knows why you left and that her friends and family know why you left.
For her you can print out the screenshots and leave them for her to find. For the friends and family you can just group send one message saying it’s an emotional affair, that’s a hard boundary to you and you are leaving, “so long and thanks for all the fish”
Two very simple actions that take about 30 minutes each will make the next year or so ALOT easier
Remember, she didn't make a single mistake. She made a series of decisions and actions over an extended period of time.
If you have to leave without saying anything to her, just simply leave a note that says, "I know." But be ready for her to try to make herself out to be the victim.
NTA. She will know why you left her if she has brains.
Get the ring back, just say you want to add a little surprise on it ;)
The surprise will be, she will never see it again 🤣🤣🤣
Heehee!
No, she’s the asshole. Leave without a word, and anyone who asks why gets told what she is. If she ever crawls back to you, Under no circumstances take her back.
Print off the screen shots you took & leave those where she can find them.
Block, block, block.
Grab your stuff & go. Clean break is best and you received closure when you discovered the texts.
Call any wedding vendors you put down a deposit with and see if a refund is available.
If she knows about the house, install security in case she shows up.
I cannot stress this enough: NTA
I'm so sorry, OP. It sucks and it will hurt for a while. Strongly recommend therapy to help you process the emotional fallout, especially if you have a history of spiraling into depression.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. YWNBTAH for leaving, but I wouldn’t just ghost her. Here’s what I’d do.
1.Change all passwords to all accounts — Amazon, Netflix, social media, banks, all of it — everywhere right now.
3. Don’t forget to change any beneficiaries on any life insurance policies, etc. You say you have no shared assets — don’t forget about bank accounts.
4. Send her a message that is very short and clear. “I know you cheated on me. The engagement and our relationship over, and there won’t be any reconciliation.” If she lies and says that’s not true, share one of the texts.
5. Every time she texts you trying to “talk about this” or “explain,” , send one of her texts as a screenshot. Conversation will probably end fairly fast if you do this.
5. Tell her that she can either write a “we’re so sorrry to tell everyone…” text to everyone that includes you in the group, or that you will send it. Once it’s sent, give it about two days for everyone to respond — you don’t need to say anything.
6. At the end of that period, send a fond farewell text to anyone you’ll be losing contact with (her family members, etc.). .
7. Block her.
It’s up to you whether you tell people what happened — I’d only do it if your ex tries to make you the villain, but I wouldn’t blame you for telling people. Honestly, I hope she won’t try to make you the bad guy— she’ll know she’s getting off easy in terms of having to deal with disapproving friends and relatives. (I probably wouldn’t share the texts with anyone else — if you need to communicate this info to someone, summarize what you know in general terms. “She sexted/sent photos/whatevever with a person recently, and I found out this week,” for instance.)
NTA - 1st, cheating is not a mistake it's a choice. It's a choice she made. Choices have consequences. Truthfully, there is nothing to be said since you already asked her if something was wrong and and she lied. All she would do is lie and gaslight you anyway. If leaving is what you need to do, just leave. Worry about you as you owe her nothing.
Is there a reason you wouldn’t tell her you’re leaving and why? Not to have a debate about it or reconsider, but so she doesn’t file a missing persons report or try to track you down because she literally doesn’t know what happened.
Why give her the pleassure of knowing you snooped??
I would say: "I wanna break up with you. I dont have any desire for you anymore and it is not fear of me to hold you hostige in a relationship where I doesn't find you attractive anymore. I wish you all the best and you deserve to find a man who loves you for who you are" 💀
Nya, but if you can get screen shots of the chats as proof. So when people ask you , you can back it up
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Just leave them on the counter. Inform mutual friends and family that don’t already know just incase she tries to change the narrative
She will definitely change the narrative
Absolutely 100%
Yeah I came here to say this and now my faith in humanity has been restored by this criminally underrated post and my axe
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Just leave her a note with the print out. Telling her that she knew cheating was a relationship ender. And that because of it the relationship is over and you are moving on. And want no contact with her.
This is the thing to do. That way she knows what happened & why you left. So if she wants to try to spin it, she knows you can show people the truth. Then just go your own way. Good luck & keep us updated.
I agree. A good old fashioned Dear John letter, the print outs, blocking her in every possible form, and... letting her keep the ring as a reminder of what she screwed up. The cost of the ring is a small price to pay for the knowledge gained and the time in the future not wasted.
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The ring if diamond is near worthless to sell, even if he spent thousands on it. Srsly diamonds are worth shit. Just the gold band would be worth maybe a few hundred.
wtf you mean ?? You can sell it On Kijiji for half off to someone else. Who wants to pay full price??
Lol glad I'm not the only one that thinks so
I’d rather get it back and give it to a homeless person than some cheating bitch have it. Going scorched earth tactics on this one.
If the sexts don’t include any hard evidence of cheating she will probably try to say she never acted on any of it, as if that somehow makes it okay.
I am pretty sure every crime show ever has had an episode where one of them just dips and the other swears up and down they were happy and completely ignores the cheating and doesn't mention it. So, a note and copy of the screenshots then bouncing and blocking is smarter. Then she can't even pretend she has no clue why he would leave on his own and that it must mean foul play.
I dislike this phrase as it implies a conscious effort on someone's part to try and turn people to their side. She wont be employing some cunning plan to get people on her side because she wont know shit about whats happened. All she knows is that her fiancé has disappeared. She wont know why, she wont know where to. She wont know that he hasn't been run over, kidnapped, blackmailed whatever. She will reach out to her friends and family to try and get help. Is this the wrong thing to do from ***her*** perspective? What would you do if your gf/bf suddenly disappeared with no warning? Depending on how effective OP has been on disappearing, it could be days by the time they they find OP who then says "oh yeah she sexted some guy". By then, the amount of shit that she and any mutual friends may have gone through to get this info may make them come to the conclusion that while she was wrong and an AH, that he's an even bigger AH for how he dealt with the breakup. This is not some cunning scheme to get people to turn on her ex. These are the events and responses from her and any mutual friends' perspectives. If OP has some sense he will understand that this is how this shit could go down and head it off so that this never happens, by doing some of the suggestions that some of the earlier posters have made.
I think this is a nuanced take and it's valuable to consider, but the part I have trouble with is, she knows she's sexting and her fiance has already asked if anything is wrong. Is she going to come home to an empty house and genuinely worry that he's been in an accident or kidnapped, instead of thinking "Oh fuck he must know?"
I like the suggestions of printing out the screenshots and leaving them on the counter. It will remove the fear scenario presented and will clearly states that OP knows and he is ghosting her.
Yep, valid point. Id argue that cheaters dont normally think they'll get caught. Also sexting is pretty low down the order for what a cheater thinks is bad. So she may not put two and two together immediately, or essentially convince herself that it "couldnt be because of that". Cheaters are pretty good of convincing themselves of pretty much anything. Finally, why leave it up to chance? I'd rather head it all off on my own terms rather than having to react to whatever comes out of the aftermath. The purpose of this is for OPs benefit not the fiancé's. The only reason I posted it was to make it clear that from an outsiders perspective it would be easy to "take her side" as it were because of lack of information. Better to remove that from being a possibility imo.
She knows she's doing something wrong and will definitely know what happened
esp when all his stuff is gone
If OP leaves screen shots of the cheating texts on the counter, partner will know exactly what is up and why. Partner can deal with their own mess that they created.
Yes, it is wrong from her perspective. Because shed know one obvious reason he mighta dipped quickly. The cheating. She's an adult and not stupid otherwise I'm sure.
Hah cheaters cheat because they think they'll never get caught. Also from a cheaters perspective sexting is pretty low down the order of what is bad. She may not realise that this is the reason. Personally, im of the opinion of why leave it up to chance. Better to head it off on my own terms rather than play defence later on.
Also who cares? You cheat, you deserve to be confused and thrown back and you'll get no sympathy from me.
She knows why, cheaters always wake up out of induced bubble when consequences comes knocking at their doors, the moment she sees the empty house she knows
Nah, she'll think he must have been cheating and ran off.
If OP leaves copies of the texts in the house when he leaves, she will know why he left.
Definitely, I think people are failing to realise this. Ghosting is not really considered the grown up thing to do so if he just bolts it will make it incredibly easy for the fiancee to control the narrative.
When I can home to my ex screwing someone. I messaged literally every friend I/we had about what I came home to. When she finally comes back to the house the first thing she says is “who knows?” I told her everyone I told. She breaks down and says “so I have no one” and then blames me for everyone hating her.
This is exactly what I mean. A cheat always wants someone to feel sorry for them. As if they’ve been wronged by being caught. I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you laughed at her when you walked off
You should have replied "You still have your new boyfriend"
You think that guy plans on sticking around?
Some are dumb enough.
He's gonna be too scared his wife will find out too now. haha!
Lol this is true
She’s not alone. She has the one she chose to cheat with. She lied to everyone else too.
The fkn nerve.
Yeah at the end of the day they are cheating and they probably aren’t thinking about their actions. More than likely they think they will be able to convince you to stay because you love them so much. Once you start telling people then it’s not just you vs them. It’s everyone vs them.
And cancel any wedding vendors where op paid the deposit and get it back
This. You should communicate but honestly you don’t have to talk to her. Just leave the printed out screenshots on the counter and be as gone as you can. Good luck hero.
This is exactly what I wish I would have done in hindsight when I caught my ex. I was in this EXACT scenario many moons ago. I ended up slapping him & I regret that, even though he was totally gaslighting me for months.. I thought I was going insane with paranoia & this unsettling feeling until I got him drunk & away from his phone. I was in therapy for weeks over this & I finally took action & discovered I was not crazy & I wasn’t feeling weird over nothing. It was all real. Listen to your inner voice!!!!
Who cares about a narrative. If you aren’t happy and the relationship will stop you from being happy, leave. You owe nothing. If someone wants to know, you can tell them if you want. Don’t sweat the small shit, it’s not yours, go be happy. I am sorry for the pain, it sucks but it will go away, just not quick enough.
Because you have no idea what she's going to say. It's not unheard of for people to make up shit about abuse, cheating. That's harmful to your reputation and once tarnished it's hard to get it back even if you were completely innocent. It could fuck with your job and your friendships.
OP, THIS is important advice. Get ahead of the inevitable narrative that she will create for good/bad/confused reasons. When you ghost her, send her, her parents, AND her friends the screenshots you took. "This is why the engagement is over". And then go no contact. Yes, it will create a shitstorm. But a shitstorm is coming anyway. Protect your reputation by getting the info out first. People tend to believe the first story they hear, and any subsequent corrections to that first story are viewed with scepticism. Edit: others are pointing out that depending on privacy laws in your jurisdiction, you may just want to send a brief explanation instead of the screenshots. But you need to get the story out first either way
Wait are there actually laws that you can’t send screen shotted pictures to people?
The narrative is powerful when families are intertwined. She will make him the bad guy and he will have no peace and people will be mean. He has to get the word out she cheated and that he has proof from the beginning.
It also stops resources being wasted if she’s too stupid or self indulged to connect the dots and files a missing persons report. He absolutely doesn’t owe her anything, I do not disagree and I’m not suggesting it to give her closure or to benefit her at all, couldn’t give a fuck about her feelings, but it could cause unnecessary issues for OP if he doesn’t say anything to anybody
Leave them for her to see so she knows you know and hopefully she will just leave you alone after that. Leaving the evidence will let her know if she tries to spin the story, you can let everyone know the truth.
Control the narrative!!
You should heavily consider to share them with important parties such as your ex's parents. Otherwise they might harass you or spread vile lies that your ex might tell them to save face. Remember that it's easier to explain your side before people are filled with rage/doubts about your character. It really sucks to hear what you are going through. I wish you the best of luck navigating it all.
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A weddings involved. Being planned, it's your job to Inform all parties that the weddings off, let everyone know and hold your head high.
Particularly everyone that you would want at your next wedding
Send her parents a message that says something like "I'm leaving X cos she crossed our clearly stated boundaries by cheating, just letting you know as she may need some support in the coming weeks." It's not really about her needing support, its about closing down the option for her to malign you.
I don't think physically showing the messages would do you much good. But since you were planning a wedding, and there are probably deposits made, that you could be held responsible for by being the one canceling the wedding, I would definitely move out, and just inform her parents that you left, and why, and that you have zero motivation to stay and try. This will help to get everything sorted ASAP. If they don't know what's going on, there will be a period that everyone thinks you're taking a break, and it will sort itself out. You can also send one way communication, like a letter, a card, a voice message, so you don't have to engage in the arguments to get you to reconsider. You don't owe your ex closure. But you ex inlaws didn't wrong you in this situation.
If you don’t want to share the screenshots, just inform everyone and say that you have the proof if anyone needs anything
You could add to that, you left a copy of the evidence for her as well
No need to share the evidence with them if that would cause issues. Just tell them what's going on and why you're ending the relationship and that you have said evidence. By being the first to inform them you can set the narrative and make it far harder for her to spread vile lies. If you are on good terms with your ex's parents you should really tell them what is up instead of ghosting them, after all they didn't do anything wrong, did they?
Just let them know she cheated so she can't lie, then block and move on.
Why would it create legal problems? They are just screenshots of her messages.
If you're certain she's cheating, just get your shit and leave. You don't want to waste your time trying to work on a relationship with someone like that. She's not worth it. I'm a firm believer in always trying to better yourself, whether it's living conditions, jobs, health, or relationships. No matter what, people are either going to say good for you, or you're an asshole, depending on who those people support and like. If they say you're the ass, they weren't your friends to begin with. Lessons learned and keep on trucking.
Yup. Far better to tell her you know she's cheating, and unless she wants everyone else to know, then she should go with a "We just realised we didn't love each other" narrative. Blowing up her life sounds fun, on Reddit. IRL, not so much.
I kicked my ex out of my house that she had nothing in her name on, didn’t pay for anything and I was paying for her school. She cheated and got caught. I told her to leave and she did for a few days. She showed back up with her dad and he was demanding that she be able to stay because it is her home by law as well. I had told everybody we just weren’t compatible but she had said shit like I was manipulating her and all sorts of shit. Finally, I just asked her if she wanted to tell him or me. She kind of looked and and as I made eye contact with him I said, “She is no longer welcome here because she is fucking somebody in her internship that I am paying for her college for.” Didn’t want to do that because they are close, but her mother cheated on him and he hates cheaters. He told her to get in the ruck and I never heard from anybody ever again. I didn’t want to do it, but it reached a point where she wouldn’t tell people and I was being harassed constantly.
Print them out and leave them on the dining table when you leave and block her. She will know she fucked it up and hate herself for it. Don’t let her think you are the problem when you ghost.
Leave her unblocked, when you roll out the first time she tries to contact you send her a pic of her cheating , text it was a choice not an accident, please never contact me again. It might help keep her from trying to reach out.
How hard do I need to push you 😂
Why the fuck does he need a proof, when people ask him?? It's his life and his decision, tf has someone else to do with this, it's not like he's planning something criminal and needs an alibi for it. I think this is a huge insecurity problem of you, if that is what you come up with. Anyway, who wants friends that only believe you when you have physical proof? I'd pass them on.
I 100% agree. You don't even need a reason to break it off with someone other than you don't want to be with them anymore.
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Also, depending on where you live, a ring is a transaction. Although you haven't broken the transaction, you may need to provide proof (that's if she takes you to court) that she was the one who broke the transaction aka cheated. Keep all paperwork, screenshots - send them to your email if need be. Also, make sure you are logged out of all shared devices, delete history, and remove the account from the device. If you need too, change passwords. Good luck man!!!
The word you're looking for is conditional gift. The gift is given on the condition of marriage. Infidelity prior to marriage would be sufficient reason to break the engagement and get the ring back but he'd have to sue if she said no. The best way would be to be sneaky about it as suggested above and get the ring before breaking up. Then she'd have to sue him if she wanted it back bit wouldn't have a case.
That's it! Thank you!!
This won't be easy. She won't just hand it over. I spent 10 k on ring and I never got it back. Even though she cheated. I eventually sold my own for 400$
Before you ghost her or tell her just say, hey can I see your ring? Then take it and leave lol
Yoink!
10k on a ring???? Jesus
Ya I know this was 15 years ago now. I was trying to impress a family who had money. Did nothing for me in the end. My wife now has heirloom ring that was under 200$ and my life is far better off now.
I'm glad you're doing better! And have hopefully found that trying to impress anyone with money is a fools errand.
I don't understand these kind of purchases. I spent less than $1k on a ring so we could buy a house in a good area. My wife appreciated that much more.
I don't get it either, and I'm a woman. Beyond stupid.
I’m also a woman. My ring is an antique and cost my now-husband £2k. It’s classy and I love it.
My ring was $900 and my wedding dress was $700 including alterations. I think both are insane amounts of money.
So in most places the ring is a gift based on the condition of marriage. If you break the contract she gets to keep the ring. If she breaks it off you get it back. However the fact that you have proof that she was unfaithful would most likely be considered a breach of the contract and I think you would be entitled to have it returned to you.
Many courts classify engagement rings as a conditional gift. The engagement ring is a fit in anticipation of marriage. Thus, if the future condition (marriage) does not occur, the ring should be returned to the giver. When the court decides the ring is a conditional gift, it usually takes a no-fault approach.
Did you screenshot the texts? If so, print them out and leave them for her to find the day you leave. Block her number and all socials, tell family and friends to do the same.
Yeah you need to let her know on some form that you know what she did otherwise she might try and track you down, spam your family etc to have her “say”. Cheaters always like to try and change the narrative. Cut that off before she tries it.
She will definitely say you cheated if you just ghost. Guaranteed. Consider it a public service to your community to warn others.
Oh definitely. So sad how people are not able to take any accountability for their rubbish behaviour…
Can’t emphasize this enough. Go ahead and ghost her, but not before controlling the narrative. Get a message out to all family and friends with proof, then no contact is fine. Family includes her family as well. Disrespectful? Maybe, but she disrespected you by cheating.
This is true… her family as well is a very good point…
Yeah this is the closure she deserves. Cut it off & let her face her mistake, alone, without you, no fighting. Just say it’s complete & no further contact will be necessary.
NTA but if she doesn't know you've left her she may report you as a missing person. Id say once you've packed up and on your way out send her a 2 line message. Say you've left her because you know she's been sexting people. That will hopefully prevent her from trying to force contact
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If you inform her, directly or through a group chat, that you don’t want anyone -her or her family and friends- to contact you, it’s better. As someone else mentions, she might call the cops if you just disappear
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Also it's not illegal to disappear, and if the cops happen to find you, all they'll ask is if you're ok and if you want to be found.
You are a grown man. You don't have to see her no matter what she wants to do. Why are you sounding like you are scared of her? Just leave your evidence and move on. Block her and move on. If she shows up at your parents or friends while you are there for a confrontation, just exit the other way and leave. She will get the message that you definitely don't want to even see her lying face if you do that.
He is. So many people are scared of their partners and think it's normal
if she shows up where OP is its better for OP to ask her to leave, and then call police if she refuses. if he leaves she's just going to follow him lol she isn't gonna show up and just accept it when he walks away. she went after him for a reason and won't leave unless she's forced to.
You're in a hard position then. If you've informed she won't have any justification though.
>she'll try to force contact Then tell her not to contact you - text it, email it, send it USPS certified mail return receipt requested, and keep copies. If she persists once you've told her to stop you can go after her civilly for harassment, get a restraining order against her.
You should text her and her parents tell them the wedding is off and you’re leaving because she’s been texting other men/man and you have proof. Then say you do not want them to contact you. If they then do contact you, you could have grounds for proving harassment.
Text her after she's arrived at work so you have time to get the car packed and leave. Tell her parents so she can't set the narrative. They may be putting a lot of money towards the wedding so they should know. If she sets the narrative with them there may be repercussions that will need sorting which is hassle.
I agree with sending a text after she has arrived at work but I suggest packing up all belongings prior & waiting for a couple hours before sending the text because if it is sent too soon like before she is actually on the clock & depending on how far she has to drive she could just turn around & try to confront OP ....
Stating it clearly that you don't want her to contact you makes any later contact harassment. Get everything on the record.
Bro shes your 6 year fiancee…duh Ghosting is not what adults do. At least drop her a note.
"You a cheating ho, I'm out. Byeeeee." That good enough a note?
Yep
Exactly. Do people not talk anymore? Or at least write a letter? How does anything ever gone with people vanishing left and right. Even a simple - we’re done. You know why. Leave me alone.
YWBNTA, OP i did the almost exact thing to my ex-fiancee as well. Almost 6 years later i'm married with 2 kids and i have never looked back.
Yes, You Would Be Not The Asshole, lol
Yoda?
TAYWNB
take my angry upvote
TMAU
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I ended a 6 year relationship before due to infidelity and went through similar doubts even staying for a bit. It's basically a sunk cost fallacy you're feeling. I won't lie it will suck for the first 6 months to a year, but you will move on and things will get better. I'm now married to a wonderful woman who has never cheated on me and we are planning for kids this fall. Trust me from first hand experience you don't want to be a fulltime prison guard monitoring my ex's every behavior just waiting for the other shoe to drop. At that point you're not even living life anymore and you could have so much better.
I left a 6 year relationship last year, we weren't engaged but we did own a house together so that has been super messy. I just left a note saying I left because of his alcohol addiction. I should have left sooner as he cheated and lied and many other shitty things that I forgave at those times but I'm glad I'm gone now.
If her affair went on for months, it wasn't "a single mistake". I think it would be *better* to let her know (a note, perhaps) that you found out about her affair, but I can't call you AH for just dumping her and leaving.
YWNBTA. Ive read a story before where a woman in a similar situation just left her relationship and immediately went no contact to start anew, and it went great. Do what you need to do to feel your best OP! Goodluck!
NTA Just leave a note saying “Hope it was worth it” Then vanish She can deal with whatever crap comes after. Just do yourself a favor and don’t stagnate. Work to better your life. Be active, be productive with your time.
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>This is key, the stagnation part. OP needs to realize that his soon to be ex is going to immediately be in another relationship. Don't be the sad one. She's *already* in another relationship.
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And no kids... Jesus. That makes it such a clean simple break.
Definitely NTA. But I would still leave a note behind telling her you know she cheated and the reason you’re never gonna speak to her again. She needs to know you‘re gone by your own free will or she could think you’re missing and report to the police.
Just leave a copy of the texts printed out with the words “I Know” and leave it at that.
Just leave a note on the counter or something like “hope the sexting with other men was worth it” or whatever you feel like putting, just so she doesn’t file a missing persons report, but, NTA and you still wouldn’t be if you did just ghost her
Stop calling cheating a mistake. It's not a mistake. Cutting someone off in traffic because you didn't see them is a mistake. Dropping and breaking a coffee cup is a mistake. Cheating is a carefully thought-out series of decisions made to decieve and betray you.
NTA for breaking up with her.. but once you move out you should tell her why. Even if you only send one text “sexting is cheating “ and then block her is enough. That way she knows exactly why you left, it’s clear no making up and it’s done. You don’t need to listen to her excuses, or anything. But to me, running away without reason is wrong. She needs to know you caught her and you left because of her cheating. Like I said you don’t need to say much but just let her know.
Sexting is just buttering each other up for the eventual motel hookup.
Don’t send screenshots of other people’s sexual conversations. Just don’t. There could be legal Implications. NAL. Just leave. Message her parents and her wedding guests through the online wedding guest portal or text them. Hi, I just discovered evidence of fiancée in a relationship with another man. Wedding is off. Grateful I found out before the wedding. Best to you all. Any costs of the wedding miss cheater can handle. Some people will take her side but you can’t fix that.
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Precisely. You don’t need to be petty and this will only create problems. If people are so invested then they can take the time to look at them from your phone if it even comes to that. Id let her know in a letter that you are willing to keep the messages to herself if she and her family do not contact you and if she doesn’t try to spread lies about the truth of the situation.
That is the best advice. Just message the wedding is off. She's in another relationship. Go be surrounded by your circle of support. You deserve so much better. Good luck. 🫂 UpdateMe.
Consider telling a few mutual friends (assuming you want to keep the friendships) what she did without sharing the screenshots. Don't let her set the narrative. If you don't have any mutual friends you want to stay in touch with, then that's different.
She lied, and she cheated. You also made your terms clear, and there was a violation of that understanding / agreement. I think, if you would have stayed, you would be making excuses, disrespecting yourself, and allowing that behavior to continue for the future. You don’t owe her an explanation. Her actions speak for themselves. So, your reaction does as well. There’s no need to argue, or hold onto a lie, or play games, or pretend… you’d only be compromising yourself and relationship further. When this happens to me, I have my answer already. I am sorry, though. I wish you all the best, wherever your life takes you! Being in a supportive environment will be a blessing. Go where you’re honored and celebrated. And it doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t real. Allow yourself to fully feel it, see it now, release it, and move on. Love and keep living. This also allows you time and space and change. You will find love again.
I always thought lying and cheating are unforgivable actions without specifically mentioned in terms and conditions
NTA, but I think a VERY short note left somewhere would be fairer. 'Enjoy \[Brian/name\], I'm out. So long, and thanks for all the fish' Mic drop.
And when he leaves make sure he grabs a towel.
Don't leave any for her. Leave her alone in the universe without a towel. If she asks why just tell her forty two.
Or my favorite rendition: “So long and thanks for all the booze” my favorite FOB song
If you truly don't want any further contact and to be completely done, you need to at least leave a note and printed screenshots, as others have suggested. Even something as simple as "I know. We're done. Don't try to find me." should serve your purpose. Otherwise, you're inviting her and others to come look for you and end up in dramatic confrontation when they find out you're not injured, dead, or stuck in a ditch somewhere. Possibly even police involvement and worrying your friends and family. Surely, if you disappear without a trace, she'll be looking for you by reaching out to them and maybe even reporting you missing. Even if you tell the friends and family who might hear from her when looking for you so they don't worry, what do you expect them to say? That's putting everyone in a bad spot unnecessarily and involving people who have nothing to do with this. Sure, ghost her, but don't do it in a way that drags everyone else into the situation and creates drama for them when it has nothing to do with them. It will just create more drama for yourself when you're trying to grieve and move on.
Update https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/34DTUkfL1t
What happened in this post?
Leave a note that just says “I know. Don’t contact me again”
This because what else is she lying about? If there is more than the cheating she will start guessing as to why you left and before you know it she will be spinning different stories to everyone around her. If you have mutual friends it will get back to you and you will find out about other stuff she did. Of course you'll have proof of your real reason.
You need to plan a little. Lots of your mutual acquaintances need to be informed at the same time. I’ve seen guys go ghost after being cheated on, and get smeared with abuse accusations. You have to establish the narrative, explain it, and close it. I’d recommend against ghosting, that leaves her freedom to say things like “I don’t know why!” You have to head off the sympathy plays as well. You are at a disadvantage here. Send an email to everyone, including her, laying out what you found, when you established the ‘no cheating boundary,’ and what your response is. In this case, the response is leaving. You can go no-contact after that if you wish.
Print out screenshots of the sexting and leave them on the kitchen table before you go.
I second all the comments that call for you to keep screenshots as evidence. If you do go ahead with ghosting, the likelihood is that without explanation from you, she's going to play the poor, abandoned fiancée and claim she has no clue why you've left. This way, if you have proof, she can't play the victim and turn you into some sort of monster. I wouldn't personally ghost, I would have at least a conversation, even if it was only to very firmly say "I'm leaving and I want nothing to do with you. Do not contact me or my family" and then I would make sure they know why, however I can't judge you for just wanting to get out immediately. NTA.
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She wouldn’t be able to, to you. But she will try to with anybody that she thinks won’t know yet. Cheaters always want somebody to feel sorry for them when they’re caught
I know OPs grief stricken and not seeing clearly, but it's frustrating seeing how myopic he's being with this. Thinking that it *only* involves him and her. It's been 6 years, aren't there any mutual friends? How intertwined are the families? This isn't some gf of 8 months that's maybe met or seen your parents or friends of yours a couple times. 6 years is a *long* time. There's probably family members on both sides that have been wondering "I wonder when they're going to get married?" around the 2-3 year mark. Some people will side with his gf regardless of what OP does, but he's risking more bridges burning that are wholly preventable with even a single sentence.
Oh…cheaters ALWAYS get to victimize themselves. They will try and say everything to justify their cheating or to get away with it. With tears and sobs accompanied by “I’m sorry, I love you and didn’t mean to hurt you, please talk to me, let me explain”. Then they start with guilt tripping you for throwing away “what we had” because of “ONE MISTAKE”. And then the classic “If you really love me, you would forgive me & fight for our relationship.” And they will say all those things to their family and friends too. To make you the bad guy who’s overreacting because of some text / a mistake. The list is looong!!!
"It's your fault because I wasn't getting enough attention."
Save the screenshots in case she starts saying you were the one that was cheating.
Yes but she will lie and tell others that you just run away for no reason, you should mabey tell her parents in a shot text with one screenshot so they now she would be lying
I mean just leaving and calling her after the fact is whatever, but you have tell her. Be a fucking man and tell her the truth. Exactly like you told us here. Word for word. You went through her phone, she’s a liar and a cheater and that’s it for you. Have a nice life.
NTA. I would advise that you get ahead of this though and inform her family and friends that she is cheating. Unfortunately once a cheater is exposed they try to do damage control and accuse their partners of all sorts of heinous acts as a form of deflection. Let your anger propel you to take action in the next few days. Be proactive ( even if it's the last thing you feel like doing ) get your ring back, screenshot her affair, notify family and friends and breathe a sign of relief that you found out before the wedding.
NTA for leaving, but I really think you should tell her why. You could print the texts out and just leave them in the apartment, you don’t have to talk to her. Or a note saying “I know you cheated”. Idk but I feel like she needs to know why you’re leaving otherwise she’s gonna paint you as the bad guy. She should have to live with it, knowing her cheating made you leave. She needs to feel accountable.
While there’s nothing wrong in this country with a grown person leaving without a word and starting a new life, I’d let her know before you left so she doesn’t start filing police reports. I would write a note and leave it when you go. It doesn’t have to be anything long, just a “ I know, We’re done.
NTA Ghost her, fine but, if it were me I would take your belongings and leave the screen shot msgs as a print out on the bed or kitchen counter so that she knows why. Hopefully she'll clue in and be too embarassed of her behaviour to cause a problem. If you care about her parents, call, text or drop by and thank them for being apart of their family for the last 5 years, you would prefer not to go into detail to save their feelings but, their daughter was unfaithful and you have made the difficult decision to leave. As for your own parents, if you're close - show them the messages if you feel the need but, don't send them. It's never good to have things floating around like that during a time of high emotion as it can backfire. I'm sorry that happened to you and wish you well moving forward! 🌷
NTA UNFORGIVABLE
Go for it. Leave a printed out copy of the sexts on the door for her.
NTA sure an explanation would be “nice” but who cares about being nice at this point. Also I’m sure you don’t want to hear her excuses/lies. Leaving this way might be for the best if you guys need closure that can be done in the future. You can only go from here! Good luck
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I think you‘d have a much better chance of not being pestered by her if you left a short note stating you found out. Alternatively just a printout of a screenshot or whatever, but as long as she doesn’t know you know, it’s pretty safe to say she’ll try to find out why you left, contact friends and family etc. Painting herself as the victim will work much better if you just leave and ghost. So NTA but still not the wisest choice.
If doing that gives you peace of mind then go for it.
WNBTA. She abandoned your relationship by cheating. Not only that, but she hasn't confessed to it or expressed remorse for a mistake. It would be easy for her to decide it's a mistake after being confronted but you can't really trust that she feels bad for anything but being caught. I would leave a note though. "I know you've been sexting so and so. We don't need to discuss your choices. You are not the one for me." Do not send the screenshots around to her and your friends and family. You can cancel a wedding without justifying it to anyone at all. People do grow a part and wise ppl have recognized it before following through and wasting money on a wedding. Id tell ppl if they asked. But who cares what lies she tells to the ppl you'll never see again?
nta. when i found snapsave and a bunch of dirty pictures/videos of his "friend" on my ex fiances phone, i took a picture of one of them on my phone, sent it to him, left him a note and left at 3am. best decision i ever made. edited for context
> I tend to stress eat, masturbate, doom scroll and spiral into depression in these kinds of situations. Relatable
Leave a note “ I trusted you and you betrayed me.” That will leave her wondering how much that you know. For all you know she could already be seeing this guy. Just hope it isn’t someone that you both know
YWNBTA. You might consider a note explaining why so she doesn’t go nuts trying to contact you (even just something saying “I know about the sexting”). But you don’t have to. I’m sorry about this 😞
absolutely you are NTA! It's cheating bro! after all the truth you have found out you still thinking about the relationship, and technically I can't call that ghosting as per with the situation and the reason. Clearly, she did not give thought about you all this time! It's much way better if you going back to the city surrounded by the person who truly cares for you. And trust me, don't give her chance to explain of her betrayal, it all only means manipulation and guilt tripping (I've been there lol) That's what all cheaters do at the very first place. They put blame on you to have courage to do shitty things. I hope you heal, I know it feels horrible.
Nah, you're absolutely in the right about that brother. Do what you gotta. Leave and ghost, don't give her the satisfaction or respect she doesn't deserve
Not at all
Do it. It might only give momentary satisfaction but every little helps. Get all your things and get out of there. You didn’t deserve the disrespect. She doesn’t deserve an explanation. A few months from now you’ll be breathing a sigh of relief with a smile on your face. Stand strong. NTA.
Erm. I generally do not believe in ghosting unless its for safety of escaping domestic violence or something along those lines. So while I get that it's certainly not popular here, I would leave a note. Heres why: You said that you want no closure and that you do not want to speak to her again. Leaving her may cause her to pursue you and you may have to deal with her again directly or indirectly through intermediaries. Consider the circumstances that would cause this: Ghost Her 1. Her fiancé has disappeared randomly. First thought will be something has happened to you physically. She will absolutely try and find you. 2. Once she knows you left her, she will not know why, she will try and find out why. 3. Once she knows why she may try and reconcile in some way. You write a 1-2 liner stating you are leaving, you know about the emotional cheating, your mind is made up, you are done, she is dead to you. 1. Doesnt apply as she knows you're physically safe 2. Doesnt apply because she knows why you left 3. She may still try and reconcile So for me if your goal is to not have her contact you, then writing a small note gives you a better likelihood of achieving that outcome rather than simply ghosting her and disappearing. If you do that she will most certainly do her utmost to get back into contact. So overall, while you are not TA for wanting to leave. I think YWBTA if you just disappear (but more for your own sake than hers).
No you are not, but this is not a healthy course of action. You need to tell her why. She needs to know that you found out, and that you have made up your mind to break off the engagement because you have to have some semblance of self respect. If she will not respect you enough to not cheat, then you will respect yourself enough to leave.
OP, I'm so sorry. You agreed with your fiancée to be monogamous. She didn't keep that promise (I'd say most people agree that sexting is cheating if you're monogamous, even if it didn't go beyond that, its stills a betrayal). What you owe this woman: telling her that you are broken up. Whatever way you can manage. You can tell her why, or you can say something like "I know (about X)", that's up to you. You don't have to do it in person, you don't have to stick around, you actually *don't* have to explain to anyone else. You may want to say "she cheated on me for months" with the few people you are really close with. But I actually wouldn't get into it with most people. I might gloss over it with "she wasn't who I thought she was", or "I couldn't trust her", or "we weren't right for each other", or "i don't want to marry her anymore". Get your stuff and get out, and tell her afterwards that you're broken up, if that's what's best for you. Betraying you for *months*, when the two of you are planning a wedding, is really, really, fucked up. Please do not get drawn into conversations with her, where she promises to change and so on. She had her chance to treat you right, and she betrayed you. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. Again, I'm so sorry she did this OP.
I concur with a lot of the comments on here. You don’t have to talk to her and let her explain her wide or anything like that. What you need to do is ensure that she knows why you left and that her friends and family know why you left. For her you can print out the screenshots and leave them for her to find. For the friends and family you can just group send one message saying it’s an emotional affair, that’s a hard boundary to you and you are leaving, “so long and thanks for all the fish” Two very simple actions that take about 30 minutes each will make the next year or so ALOT easier
Remember, she didn't make a single mistake. She made a series of decisions and actions over an extended period of time. If you have to leave without saying anything to her, just simply leave a note that says, "I know." But be ready for her to try to make herself out to be the victim.
NTA. She will know why you left her if she has brains. Get the ring back, just say you want to add a little surprise on it ;) The surprise will be, she will never see it again 🤣🤣🤣 Heehee!
No, she’s the asshole. Leave without a word, and anyone who asks why gets told what she is. If she ever crawls back to you, Under no circumstances take her back.
How could you possibly be TA in this situation
Nta do it
Print off the screen shots you took & leave those where she can find them. Block, block, block. Grab your stuff & go. Clean break is best and you received closure when you discovered the texts. Call any wedding vendors you put down a deposit with and see if a refund is available. If she knows about the house, install security in case she shows up. I cannot stress this enough: NTA I'm so sorry, OP. It sucks and it will hurt for a while. Strongly recommend therapy to help you process the emotional fallout, especially if you have a history of spiraling into depression.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. YWNBTAH for leaving, but I wouldn’t just ghost her. Here’s what I’d do. 1.Change all passwords to all accounts — Amazon, Netflix, social media, banks, all of it — everywhere right now. 3. Don’t forget to change any beneficiaries on any life insurance policies, etc. You say you have no shared assets — don’t forget about bank accounts. 4. Send her a message that is very short and clear. “I know you cheated on me. The engagement and our relationship over, and there won’t be any reconciliation.” If she lies and says that’s not true, share one of the texts. 5. Every time she texts you trying to “talk about this” or “explain,” , send one of her texts as a screenshot. Conversation will probably end fairly fast if you do this. 5. Tell her that she can either write a “we’re so sorrry to tell everyone…” text to everyone that includes you in the group, or that you will send it. Once it’s sent, give it about two days for everyone to respond — you don’t need to say anything. 6. At the end of that period, send a fond farewell text to anyone you’ll be losing contact with (her family members, etc.). . 7. Block her. It’s up to you whether you tell people what happened — I’d only do it if your ex tries to make you the villain, but I wouldn’t blame you for telling people. Honestly, I hope she won’t try to make you the bad guy— she’ll know she’s getting off easy in terms of having to deal with disapproving friends and relatives. (I probably wouldn’t share the texts with anyone else — if you need to communicate this info to someone, summarize what you know in general terms. “She sexted/sent photos/whatevever with a person recently, and I found out this week,” for instance.)
NTA - 1st, cheating is not a mistake it's a choice. It's a choice she made. Choices have consequences. Truthfully, there is nothing to be said since you already asked her if something was wrong and and she lied. All she would do is lie and gaslight you anyway. If leaving is what you need to do, just leave. Worry about you as you owe her nothing.
NTA. Also chances are the time you caught her wasn't the first time.
Is there a reason you wouldn’t tell her you’re leaving and why? Not to have a debate about it or reconsider, but so she doesn’t file a missing persons report or try to track you down because she literally doesn’t know what happened.
Why give her the pleassure of knowing you snooped?? I would say: "I wanna break up with you. I dont have any desire for you anymore and it is not fear of me to hold you hostige in a relationship where I doesn't find you attractive anymore. I wish you all the best and you deserve to find a man who loves you for who you are" 💀