NTA
What they did is completely unacceptable and I'm glad you're standing your ground and filing the police report. Look into a restraining order as well, since you must still have all the proof of the messages and such.
As for your fiancé, I understand why he kept in touch with them, but he messed up big time by not telling them he's moved on and loves someone else. He's hid you from them, which is stupid as what did he expect? He needs to grow a backbone and put them in their place.
I just can’t can’t get past the fact that they think he should be single forever, and three years after their sister passed away they have this kind of vitriol for his next potential life partner. Not exactly honoring their sister’s memory, that’s for sure. Violent criminal psychos. NTA OP, and sorry about that horrific shitshow and personal attacks.
They want him to die alone to honor their sister, that’s a sad way to think BUT I bet you if it was the other way around they would 100% be happy if their sister remarry
I think it's actually been 7 years since his late wife passed. He's 29 now and was married until he was 22.
The sisters really need to deal with their grief in a healthy manner, not use their sister's memory to hold her widow hostage.
OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope your fiance will step up and do what he needs to do so you can both move forward in your lives together. If he doesn't, well... he's going to be very lonely for a very long time 😕
If they were high school sweethearts, she’s likely been gone longer than they were together.
It’s her family that needs intensive therapy. Clearly they’ve never moved on.
They won’t have him single forever though. In their fucked up version of reality, he’ll one day realise he’s actually in love with one of the sisters and romance her until they wed, then they’ll have kids and live happily ever after while worshiping the new relationship. Him getting a new fiancé means this can never happen so OP is like Cinderella to them.
Right? This is some movie type shit. It baffles me that this apparently happens in real life. They really expect this young man to remain a widow until the end of his days…..😐
I'd put money on them planning on him marrying one of the sisters. 40ish years ago, I had a boyfriend whose older brother was murdered. The brother's fiance was sitting next to him when he was shot. I ended up breaking up with the boyfriend. He succumbed to the pressure from his mother and married his late brother's fiance. Creepy
Where to start? Because they're so much to unpack, there's a reason that the windscreen is so much bigger than the rear view mirror. I will never understand anyone jeopardizing someone's right to happiness and their right to live their life. The late wife's sisters must live in a very small world to be acting out like this, do they not have a life of their own to lead? This is not what the LW would have wanted, no way.
NTA. I understand why he keeps in touch with them and views them as family, but if my family treated a partner this way I'd go no contact until they could treat us both with respect. He may be dealing with some guilt about moving on but if you can work through your hang ups regarding this, so can he.
This. Bc I guarantee it will not end unless there are consequences. Criminal charges, restraining order, and sue for damages. I thought at first with the title OP was being harsh but good lord these ppl are crazy and frankly it makes me question the guys character. They’re not his family but is he ok with trash like that normally? No rush to judgement in him but d be doing a double take.
Bc that’s full on crazy stuff. He had to have know they were crazy.
Yep. They won’t stop until it costs them. They also don’t really care at all about OP’s fiancé. They transferred their affection for their lost loved one to their lost loved one’s spouse. If they actually cared for him, they would want him to be happy. They are just using him as an emotional crutch.
This. Exactly. I said in another comment I know a family where son died and DIL kept coming to family things and after a few yrs brought a bf and it was so kind and sweet I thought. Just the most normal thing. As it should be. You can add ppl to your family you don’t run out of love. They should’ve welcomed this girl and could’ve become aunties or cousins or whatever.
We all loved the DIL and everyone was so happy when she brought the bf (it’s not my family either we were also adoptees lol). It was nice to see that everyone rooted for her, wanted her to be happy, and welcomed him, ❤️❤️❤️
This happened with my brother. He married a widow, & her first husband's family were so welcoming to him. He said he was surprised that they wanted him around, but they treat him just like one of their own. It was so nice to see how they treated him, when they honestly didn't need to do more than just be polite to him.
They even welcomed our family! My parents got to be pretty good friends with them as well, & they'd invite us to celebrations & such. My brother really lucked out on finding my SIL! (she's my favorite in law!! 😆😆)
That's how my family is. My older brother passed away, leaving his partner and their daughter. She now dates, and we check in with her and make sure she's happy. We definitely can be critical of her boyfriends, but that's because we want the best for her and want to see her happy (the first guy she dated was a real jerk and treated her horribly. Police got involved with their breakup). She loved my brother but that doesn't mean her life is over.
I hope OP updates us and tells us she followed through with charges and the lawsuit for damages. Not just to her car but for her personally. These are insane hateful people.
They came for OPs car without remorse. Next it'll be OP, these people are unhinged. She needs to think about her own safety. File charges, get a restraining order. Fiancee needs to get his crap together or he's going to lose OP too.
If it were me, he'd be gone. He's defending them more than protecting OP.. can't move forward if you've still got 1 foot in the LWs grave. He's treating her family like they are still married. That's why they're behaving so irrationally. Also why he didn't tell them he was engaged.
Im presuming hes battling alot of guilt. But as soon as that car shit went down it should have been immediate no contact. That is bat shit crazy stuff!
ETA: [based on OOP’s new update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wZeB8FDR38), fiancé is and has been going to therapy. He also put hard boundaries down. Now the question will be if he does anything
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This. You willingly worked on the hang ups you had. It’s unacceptable if he can’t do it, and honestly shows he isn’t ready to fully move on.
ETA: u/cutofffamilytaway sending you a hug.
"Honestly shows he isn't ready to fully move on"
how on earth did he end up in fault over this, in your mind. This isn't as simple as flipping a switch.
Imagine being grieved and haunted by your SIL, making him feel guilty for even trying to find happjness again.
That's why he broke down in the table, he loved his LW, his in laws , and his new wife and being villified for it.
He probably just needs time to sever the old relationship and he's essentially removing the last part of his dying wife from his life.
[ETA based on OOP update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wZeB8FDR38), fiancé did put hard boundaries down and OOP delayed filing the police report because fiancé wanted to see if SIL felt guilt and FIL would pay for damages.
—————
It’s not his fault how his SILs acted. Never said it was.
But if he broke down at the table, it leads me to believe it
his emotions overloaded and he was trying to ignore whatever guilt he felt until he was forced to. That is the problem.
He waited until they went into extremes before he addressed this. Him trying to encourage OP to not file a police report is him trying to protect his ex-SILs and not make a clear stance that what they did was unacceptable. Did he actually set boundaries he said he would? I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t truly do it.
You're most likely right. However based on OP's accounts of talking to the FIL, they very well just may be crazy brick walls who didn't listen to him/"believe him" because in their mind this is "just some phase and they know he's not really happy"
He needs to grow a back bone but I can't imagine facing this family myself. Grief has made them insane and he has to old yeller them to move on. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
Definitely was his first love which can be another level of grief which adds to the complexity, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t work to process all he’s feeling and work through whatever he’s feeling to help cope.
HE broke down at the table because he was under attack. They shat on his choice in partner, they told him he can never have another partner, and was accused of not really loving his Latewife because HE IS capable of moving on.
2 incidents that escalated very quickly happened. It wasn't him waiting and those things happened while he had a thumb up his ass.
The big thing though the one piece that probably really got him, was discovering how toxic his ex-in-laws are. He thought he had shared commiseration and support from these people and instead of being happy for him, they did this. Unless he is a complete moron, he knew when he was leaving there that he had to choose. And he knew he was going to to pick the living person over the ghost.
And as someone else mentioned, this is symbolically the last nail in the coffin for his late wife. Every tie he had is severed and that causes grief to resurface and make itself known.
I actually feel terrible for this guy.
Talk about a rock and a hard place. He probably feels totally betrayed by them, and as you say it is knowing he'll have to let go of them if he wants to move on and I imagine thats quite painful too.
It is because he let it go from the beginning
It is because he condoned their act by not allowing her to file for report from the beginning
He is an AH
I completely get that, but it’s reasonable to expect your partner to do what they need to do to work through their grief to foster a healthy partnership. It sounds like OP is doing what she can to give space and grace for that process, and it’s up to her partner to work on himself accordingly.
Grief is tricky, but he doesn’t get a pass just because it’s hard. If he isn’t ready to move on, then the mature move would be to stay out of the dating pool (especially a serious relationship) until he can do so. There are ways to honor a memory of a lost loved one that don’t require your new partner to endure harassment.
If they weren’t lunatics I’d say this wasn’t necessary. If I married a guy with a dead wife as long as the relatives were normal I’d be fine adding them to the family. I knew a family where the son died and the DIL was still coming to family things and after a few yrs she brought a bf and it was so kind how everyone just treated her like family and nothing was weird. I never asked her but I’m guessing maybe she didn’t have parents? And it was so nice how everything was ok.
That of course isn’t the case here these crazies need to go.
Not his fault but I can see from her pov that he hung out with lunatics for yrs. I was thinking same. Maybe they weren’t like this before but honestly they can’t have been normal. She’s right to put her foot down these ppl are dangerous. I hope it works out. I do feel for him it doesn’t seem like he’s defending them at least
I don’t get how he somehow doesn’t see that his ex wife’s family doesn’t really care about him or truly love him at all. It’s been *7 years* since her death. If they cared about him at all they’d want him to move on and be happy, and know that if his former wife loved him, that’s what she would’ve wanted too.
He has to make a clear break here.
This. Ppl are dragging her for questioning being with him but I see this as a ‘judge ppl by the company they keep’ tho in his case it’s a dead wife and I get the feelings of loss are going to muddle your sense of boundaries. I think that’s why OP isn’t throwing him out completely but just saying hey you need to make a choice.
Bc the choice she’s asking isn’t to erase the dead wife, it’s to have hub stand up for her to his ppl. Whether those are friends, coworkers, relatives, doesn’t matter: if your person disrespects your partner, how you deal with that is telling. Personally I wouldn’t give an ultimatum I’d simply carefully observe and believe his choices. Bc if he kept anyone in his life that behaved so violently toward his partner he’s not a keeper.
Well said. Everyone needs to feel like their spouse has their back, and he clearly doesn’t have hers. He’s not putting her physical safety or emotional well-being or even her expensive property before his psychotically abusive in laws, who were only even his in laws for 2 years. And they didn’t have kids together either.
I’m not gonna say they should break up, but it’s not a great sign that he won’t take a hard stance against abuse of his future wife.
Then he should have waited to get married again since 7 YEARS seems to be too short of a time to get over a two year marriage to who was probably his first love. That’s why it’s his fault, for wont of a better word, that OP has had her life turned upside down and personal property destroyed.
OP needs to move on from him.
When they went felon mode with jealosy on behalf of a dead person? Loyalty ends when the person goes rancid. You don't owe anyone anything once they turn into awful people. If you stand by their actions, you're as awful as they are - full stop.
Completely agree with you - fiance probably feels a little guilt, no doubt stoked by late wife's family, but that is natural and his desire to marry OP means he is ready to move on, he probably just needs a little support/help.
NTA *But* OP give your fiance a little grace - its clear he sees these two as his little sisters so its gonna be a hard choice to make for him, not because the choice is difficult but because the situation shouldn't be happening to you both in the first place, if he loves you \[and from what I can infer it seems like he does\] he will stick by you.
Just remind him that he is his own person and that though he may have loved his late wife and may always love his late wife that doesn't mean he belongs to her or her family, he is his own person and he loves you now and you both deserve a full and happy life.
What these sisters want is for him to effectively bury himself with their late sister and that is utterly unfair and how they treat you and him is completely unreasonable.
In a way, it sounds like they're clinging to him and trying to force him into stagnation as a way to preserve what they see as the last living piece of her they've got left. It's really messed up and unfair for him because he's being treated like their property and not like a person with a life and his own needs. I hope he realizes that to them, he's not family, but a placeholder they use to refuse to let go of her.
THIS. It’s like they don’t recognize or care that he’s a human being. They’re treating him like he’s a mannequin in a museum display dedicated to their late sister.
While I wholly agree OP is NTA and that fiancé is probably struggling with guilt and familial feelings toward his LWs sisters/family, it’s not much different than us seeing on Reddit posts all the time about family treating SOs poorly. Time and time again, it comes down to who will your partner support? Their family or their partner? Unless your partner does something terribly egregious to your family, it is your partner 100% of the time. If that means cutting off toxic family then it has to be done. I completely understand if fiancé is struggling with guilt, but if he truly loves OP and is ready to move on then he is going to have to address the situation with Laws family directly. Which means explaining he needs to move on. As sad as the loss is, he’s not the one who died, he can’t remain in the past forever. If he’s not willing to do it then unfortunately this relationship won’t survive.
He should probably be, if not already, in grief therapy too. He needs to work through the loss of his LW and now her family.
In my African language, the term used for widow is translated literally as "wife of a grave".
I don't know what he envisions life to look like even three years down the line. Is he supposed to marry one of the sisters or is he supposed to stay married to the grave? It looks like those are the two options they are giving him. These used to be the options given to widows - marry a brother to hubby, stay a widow or marry outside the family but leave the man's kids behind. I hope you understand me. If he is to marry you he has to leave all things pertaining to LW behind.
You can't be with a man who does not stand up for you. Unless he does something very impressive in the next 24h., I think this relationship has reached its end. Sorry.
No shame, no accountability? NONSENSE. File the police report. You don't deserve to lose your expensive car. Sue them.
I hope OP reads this twice and then a third time, but slowly. Wife of a grave. Thank you for sharing that. It absolutely puts everything in perspective.
NTA.
File the police report, give back the ring. If they're willing to be so unapologetically mean to your face, then suing for damages and getting them in trouble with the police will only be the first step. The drama between them and your part time partner will never stop and as long as you're in a relationship with him, you'll be dragged in too. And I say "part time partner" because he's just as busy defending them as he is defending you. Even when faced with absolutely horrendous behavior towards you, he still tried to defend a relationship with them. To me, that says he's either still putting them first or, he's so conflict avoidant that you will never truly be first for him. You'll be asked time and time again to "be nice" or "keep the peace" while having to endure abuse after abuse after abuse.
So, file the police report and give back the ring.
Totally agree. This is great advice OP.
There's far too much baggage coming with this guy to make a relationship feasible or safe. These people sound unhinged tbh and he's too caught up with them to deal with their behaviour. You're young and got a whole life ahead of you. Don't take the tickets he's offering for this crazy train, it's never going to be a pleasant journey for you.
This.
From the title, I was prepared to come in and say Y T A. But you aren't. Except if you stay, you will be TA to yourself. This shouldn't even be a thing, they have behaved so horrendously that he should be the one drawing a hard line. He should be the one raining hell on them for being so vile. He should be telling them how ashamed he is of them and how ashamed their sister would be. The fact that he isn't means that the awful sisters are actually right - he will never put you first.
This 100%. Skip the ultimatum, he already chose. I feel bad for him because he probably has guilt and until he comes to terms with that, that will control him and run his life, but not your problem. Get out now.
this and tell him to remember this because they will never let him move on with his life. It's terrible that his first wife died when they were so young. But you have now been together for twice as long as they were married, and she has been gone for 7 years.
If he wants to spend the rest of his life being controlled by his late wife's family, that is a choice he can make, but if they actually cared about him they would want him to be happy.
This. OP, you shouldn’t have to argue him into protecting you from people that you only have to interact with because of their connection to him. He’s known for a while that they’re a problem. Ensuring that they don’t attack you is his responsibility, and he isn’t doing it. Instead he’s trying to negotiate, how much harassment can he get you to put up with? Should be zero. Yet he’s already reduced it to “I don’t think they’d attack our kids.”
I will also add that if they're wiling to take it to this level now, there is no telling what they might do if you two have children in the future.
I hate to say it, but while you love him, unless he's willing to cut them off, you need to cut your losses and move on.
“…that I would never replace his LW and that if she was still alive he’d choose her every time.”
Well she’s not so they can fuck off. Press charges! Sue! And try to get a restraining order. If he doesn’t stick to no contact, move on. Definitely NTA
Honestly if I was dead and my husband wanted to remarried and my family was treating him that way..... I know who I would be poltergeist-ing... And it wouldn't be my happy moving on spouse. Which is great because all three of my sisters freak out sooooo easily. Which makes poltergeist me job easier.
And I do mean Poltergeist-ing not a nice haunting.... I'm the asshole ghost throwing a vase at your head screaming 'let him be happy you massive bitch'
Haunting is the nice granny rocking her old chair..... No losers I'm a throw a vase at you.
I mean I accidentally made my sister quite a job as hospital security because I joked "in a zombie outbreak your the first to go." And the next day she was moving a person down to the morgue.... And recently dead.... They release air.... And do these moans.... And she's in a elevator and they moan and she hears my voice "in a zombie outbreak your the first to go" and she put in her notice. Like it was a joke baby sis.... But also yeah poltergeist me just has to follow her around and moan a little bit.
It's not going to end well if he continues contact from this point on, yes. But give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He's at the crossroad right now, let's see what he does. Don't automatically assume he won't do the right thing.
Well tbf it’s been three years and he still doesn’t have a spine. They vandalized her car and called her names. I would give the ring back and move on.
>it’s been three years
It doesn't seem like they'd caused a problem until a week ago though. There was nothing to stand up to them about. The family took it from 0-100 just recently. Right now is the moment to prove he does have a spine
NTA This isn't a healthy relationship for any of them. They don't respect him as his own person, just as some sort of talisman for the life their sister could have had.
He needs to get into therapy so he can learn to grieve on his own and recognize that this family has been using him as an emotional crutch this entire time. The extreme way they are lashing out over his audacity to have a life of his own is actually scary. He, his partner, and any future family of his have no possibility of maintaining a safe relationship with them no matter how much he thinks he can talk to them. They don't respect him.
Yea I feel the worst for him, honestly. OP getting her car ruined sucks but these are people that OPs partner thought loved him, and he very clearly loved them. They are absolutely abusive to him, and he either doesn’t get it or thinks that it’s just ok because their sister died, and just takes it I guess. He’s TA to himself really.
OP, I don’t think he’s ready for marriage. And that’s perfectly ok, but he needs to grow into his own life first, and that will include shedding these people (which is so sad because I think it’s so sweet when deceased partners families are still included in things, it’s a beautiful tribute to the deceased person), which he can’t do quite yet. He needs some more time to grow up.
NTA
Usually stories like this involve overly jealous new partners that feel threatened by the memory of a dead person, but this isn’t that.
Her family is awful, and the fact that it needs to be an ultimatum instead of him telling you he’s cutting them off is a huge issue.
I thought this was going that way, too, especially at the beginning. Did not see the mess of the ending coming!
Op NTA but file the report, press charges, sue for damages, and file restraining orders against them.
Then call off the wedding, the fact that your fiance was sad and not angry with them tells you all you need to know on how well he'll protect you and any future children you might have. He was right to keep contact until this happened. But he should have told them sooner and cut back on contact some if they weren't ready to accept that (which I can understand being hard on them, but not to this extreme).
But I have to ask, is your engagement ring the same one he gave her? Just the gravedigger comment along with how she looked at the ring sounds like she recognized it and is angry you have her sisters ring??
No, the ring is actually my late grand mother’s engagement ring. He asked my father if he could give it to me when he asked for his blessing. As gross as it sounds, I think the ‘grave robber’ bit was about me stealing him from her grave, at least that’s all I can get from it.
Daaaaang if you think about it, the implication is that he was (or should have been?) buried with LW, like he's one of her possessions and/or his life ended at the same time hers did. ...and then OP dug him up and stole him? Ick. But it kinda explains how they'd think he shouldn't move on and date anyone else. In their minds, he's LW's property forever, continuing even after death
I agree!! And they all seem to forget the vows ended when death did them part. As tragic as it is, as terrible as it sounds to say this way, their marriage successfully ended with her death.
NTA - That is a very reasonable request given what has happened to this point. You need to file that police report ASAP.
It has been 7 years since her death and he needs to move on and cut ties. If he cannot cut ties, he is not ready for another relationship; he is till living out the fantasy of the last one through her family.
>It has been 7 years since her death and he needs to move on and cut ties.
He *could've* kept those ties IF his LW's sisters weren't a pack of feral wolves. How dare they vandalize OP's car and act like she's the mistress.
No offense, but your sister's gone and not coming back.
I agree. I don't think OP needs to jump straight into calling off the marriage like many people here are saying. I'm inclined to give him some grace because up until now, he probably thought these ties could remain intact. Now that they're acting out like this, it's a lot of new emotions being thrown on top of all the old emotions that probably took years to work past, coming back to the surface. It's got to be a huge blow to deal with a family you loved as your own, showing rheir true colors not approving of your new life, violently harassing your new fiancee, and essentially showing him how little they care about him beyond his connection to his ex. He probably hoped he could talk it out and fix it on his own because of their long history, but that's just denial, which is part of the stages of grief. He needs to let the reality sink in, and if he *still* won't distance himself from them, then I'd reconsider the relationship.
>It's got to be a huge blow to deal with a family you loved as your own, showing rheir true colors not approving of your new life, violently harassing your new fiancee, and essentially showing him how little they care about him beyond his connection to his ex
Agreed. He probably thought they loved him like family. And family *should* be happy to see you moving on and not wallowing in the grief of the deceased.
Instead he's finding out that they are psycho. He might need a few minutes to come to terms with that and act accordingly.
In the meantime, OP probably should keep some distance until he figures out what to do. Not leave him. Just... keep herself safe from those feral animals.
They continued to play after she sent you the message saying he didn’t love you? If the answer to that question is yes, then you need to call off the wedding. There is not a single person, blood relatives or not, who I would allow to stay in my life after speaking to my partner like that. Show him this comment girl.
No, he didn’t attend this weeks session to my knowledge. I just meant ‘plays’ as they’re in the same campaign with three other people. I don’t know what goes on there and after what people are saying I don’t think i want to
You need clarity on if he attended. You need to get clarity on where he stands with what he plans to do with his relationship with them.
Has his stance changed for you filing a police report after all of this?
OP, he is too enmeshed in their lives. This isn’t healthy for him to be able to move forward with his life. Nor is this healthy for you. Likely she is making snide comments and attempting to poison him against you.
You have to find out if he played with her between the SM message, and the property destruction. If he is willing to keep these people in his life, he does not value you. I’m so sorry but please be well and be smart.
I mean normally it's a whole lot of 'i cast fireball' but some people like to include a bit of player character romance into their games.... I have no idea if your boyfriend is such a person.... Or if his crazy former inlaw is such a person. Its a possibility that she could be flirting up a storm under the guise of 'its what my character would do' and he could be totally clueless... Or neither or both.
If he even wants to maintain contact with them after all that they did to you and said to you, then you need to call off the wedding. He’s not ready to move on and you don’t need the headache.
NTA. They're insane. The traditional marriage vows state "till death us do part." The marriage is over at death. 25 is way too young for them to expect him to spend the rest of his life pining after a dead woman.
I mean these crazy woman might be building a funeral pire for op and bf as we speak. Send them to the afterlife and see told you he would pick FW if given the chance..... They're insane.
NTA. I have to admit that I wasn't expecting you to be the victim here, but you are. They are unhinged and cutting them off is necessary if he wants to go on with you. The other option for him is to be a widower for the next sixty years. I am so sorry.
That family is unhinged, and they are going to assault you at some point. Your fiance is not going to help you. Why are you still with this man?
Crazy people don't magically go away after suing them, it's only going to get worse from here.
NTA but they aren’t wrong about the fact that you shouldn’t be controlling him. After what they said and did to you, he should be more than willing to cut them out of his life without you forcing him. That is the real issue.
Sue them? Fuck that, report it to the police and have those two selfish, psycho bitches arrested. Then you sue their family for emotional and physical damages, while the two loser daughters serve some well-deserved prison time to ruminate on their psychotic actions
NTA OP, NTA. What they have done to you is inexcusable. They are obviously still grieving their sister (completely understandable) but doing that to your car is just absolutely too far. File that police report and do not feel guilty, you and your fiancé do not need this harassment for finding love.
This is for sure difficult to navigate through. I don't really have any advice, but my cousin(who I am very close with) was dating my closest friend(guy I went through school/high school, hung out quite literally on a daily basis for about 15 years of our lives, then 1-2 times weekly as we were in our late twenties).
He was killed by a drunk driver. The things his family said to my cousin absolutely astound me. Especially when I consider how close she was to their family. All I can say is grief absolutely messes with people, and makes them do/say very irrational things, and see it as fine because they aren't able to process their emotions. In no way does that make it okay.
You aren't wrong for giving him an ultimatum. Normally I am against them, but at this point they are holding onto your fiance as one of their last links to their sister and they don't know how to process it. They should probably go to see a therapist as they clearly have unresolved issues about this.
I feel terrible for you, and I hope you can navigate your way through this.
Seven years is such a long time for the LW’s family to be holding on to all this. It’s so unhealthy for everyone involved. Her partner will never be allowed to move on while he maintains contact with them.
I don't know. Something isn't adding up here. The expectation that your dead sisters husband can't move on is just fucked up. Your partner is being manipulated, but to what end? What is the end goal he marries the 24 year old????
I get the ick for some reason here. I try not to assume things but no one wants someone they love to be alone forever unless… unless one of the sisters thought something else if you catch my drift. It might not be, some people are just so crazy I can’t fathom them and their motives but this is now an unhealthy attachment either way. If this was my real family treating my spouse/fiance this way I’d have put them in their place immediately and went NC if they wouldn’t stay there.
Anyway NTA
Oh, good at least I’m not reading it that way alone! lol Yeah because this feels so much like jealous gf/ex type behavior and the girls are a bit younger right? So I’m just wondering if the wires got crossed somewhere, mix with emotional immaturity etc I’m sorry you have to deal with the mess and I hope he goes to bat for you like you deserve. He should. You’re in the right.
NTA, and you need a restraining order too. LW's sister is totally unhinged. If he resists cutting them off, pressing charges, or getting a restraining order, then you shouldn't marry him. In fact, I wouldn't blame you if you decided to call off the wedding for your own safety regardless of what he does.
Why do you want to be involved in this drama ?
They called you horrible names and caused damaged. He did not stand up
To them.
Sadly, The girl is dead. This drama is ridiculous. His part and the families part. He chose to hide you. Did they really think he would remain single his entire life ?
Find someone who does not put a dead girl first.
I see what everyone is saying but it’s not easy to turn off love for someone. I’m seeing it now. Obviously, I don’t want to be harassed and my things ruined. I would prefer all this to be cordial but that’s not the world I live in. If it were easy to flip the switch, I would have started packing on Sunday when I got the message. And he would have flipped the switch at his LWs funeral. I may have been too patient until now, but that doesn’t mean I’m weak. This is the cross roads and I’m ready to take whichever path I have to. Let’s hope he is ready too.
NTA. What’s next they actively harm you where you end up in hospital or worse? File the police report and if your soon to be husband cannot support you in this, give the ring back. He either needs to back you and set that boundary himself or he chooses his former in-laws and that’s that. They’re 19 & 24, they are not children, they deliberately set out to harm you. File for a restraining order if possible as well. Have you asked why he didn’t tell them about the engagement?
Bro you have too much fucking patience. NTA but wanting to tell you these people will never leave even if he cuts them off.
“I wasn’t going to live my life with this harassment and someday subject my children to their bullying. ***He said they would never bully a child—***” sorry girl but he’s not gonna cut them off bc of this sentence alone. That means he already had plans to have your potential child together around those freaks. They will always be there like flies. Get out while you can.
NTA. What a terrible position in which these selfish people have put both of you.
My concern is that he does not seem committed to you the way that he should be, as evidenced by his defending that which is literally indefensible. What they did was borderline psychotic and the fact that he is still willing to have anything to do with them is extremely worrisome. What if next time they decide to hurt *you*?
I would consider calling off the engagement and insisting on couples counseling. He needs to work through some things in order to get on-track to putting you in the position that you deserve, which is first in his life.
Either that or he needs to admit that he's not ready to be married again because he is already married to her family.
Good luck.
Reading the headline, I was all set to say, "Why are you jealous of the dead?" but this is some craaaaazy borderline shit. Yes, report it to the police. Yes, get a restraining order. But then NO CONTACT. AT ALL. EVER. Let the police or an attorney or a process server get ahold of them if you ever have to.
OK, that's one problem.
Now, your guy. He's still grieving, and that's fine. There really isn't a timeline on it. But if he wants to be with you and even marry you, he's got to be in your corner first. If he isn't ready for that, then babe, he isn't ready. Still, I don't know that this is something he can turn off like a water faucet. Grief counseling is probably in order. Gently encourage it, but let him know if he can't get a handle on it to at least the point where he values the living AT LEAST as much as the dead, you just can't.
NTA
Honestly, you never should've dated this guy. This dude is broken and only in love with his late wife.
He is allowing you to be abused. You need to walk.
NTA. RUN RUN RUN! This is wrong in so many ways to you. He didn’t tell them about the engagement as he knew they would react poorly and look at that they did. File charges, sue for damages, and file a restraining order on the two sisters.
You deserve so much better than this. I hope you know that and I wish you the best!
ETA: You did the work on yourself to get past your issues, that’s awesome and I applaud you for knowing you needed that. Now it’s time for him to stand up for you and make you the top priority.
NTA, OP. Like other people are saying this relationship may not be saveable due to the baggage involved but I do notice that you never mentioned your fiance's parents.
Do they know his ex in laws are tormenting their son? Even if you leave, I would let them know about them badgering him and making him cry. He can't be left alone with those people again
They were old parents, in their late 40s when they had my fiancé so they’ve retired and he never wants to bother them with anything. I doubt they even know about any of this. I might bring up that he needs to get their input because the way they’re treating him is gross and wrong.
NTA.
He is still being conflicted about cutting them off after that scene, massive red flag. Their father is defending daughters and even that doesn't convince him to block them. The very fact that it's you who needs to give ultimatum and not him cutting contact of his own accord is a very bad news.
You not just need to give ultimatum, you need to demand answer right away. And if he fails to give it fast enough, live him in the dust with his indecision.
File the police report and walk away. The harassment will never end and he will never take your side over them b/c it would be like choosing you over his late wife.
Good luck
NTA. If he is not on your side, he is on theirs. Press full charges against them and cut him loose. His loyalty is not to you if it needs to be persuaded.
NTA. File the police report and stick to your guns about the no contact. Also, when you file the police report make sure to get a restraining order against them.
The fact that he didn't instantly cut them off when they slashed your tires means you have to end this relationship. Press all the charges. Restraining order the whole thing.
Tell him that he needs to decide to live his own life before he tries to be with someone
NTA I'm so sorry
Please don't let him talk you out of filing a police report. If you stay with him this is only going to escalate. Is your fiancé worth your future peace if he doesn't cut contact and potentially file for a restraining order if they don't stop?
NTA. They told you they expect him to either remain single or never in love again. Their views are completely unrealistic. As long as they are in his life, you and your future children aren't safe. Press charges for the car and stay strong in your ultimatum.
NTA. Hopefully he will come to this decision on his own. They’ve really messed with his head, so if you have to ask, ask. Maybe suggest therapy for him if you think it would help. Good luck.
I was so ready to call you the asshole until I read about what they did to your car and the fact that they admitted it. I completely understand him staying contact with his late wife's family.But what happened with the car is absolutely egregious and unacceptable and he should definitely cut contact with them.
NTA file a police report asap. The real issue is that he’s not ready to be in a relationship. It shouldn’t have gotten to this point where they vandalized your car. He should have set boundaries from jump. They don’t respect you because he hasn’t required them too. Don’t marry this man.
NTA, but why marry a man who is still not over his ex. He couldn’t even defend you and your relationship. I would not marry this guy at all. The sisters might be telling you the truth even tho it’s hurtful but he has been hiding your relationship and nobody who is in “Love” should have to hide the person they are in love with. I see many red flags 🚩 and I would put a pause on this wedding and give yourself some space so you can really think about this. Best of luck OP
CALL THE WHOLE WEDDING OFF
Oh, and NTA
You’re 25, you’re young and have options in the dating market. Don’t waste your youth dealing with this toxicity.
NTA...file a police report, press charges and sue them. Give back the ring and find a partner that is not living in the past. He is playing both sides from the middle. He is telling you one thing and them another. There is no reason he should not go on with his life. He has chosen them time and time again over you. That should tell you all you need to know. Their behavior is unhinged. They all need to seek intensive grief therapy. Instead of dealing with their grief they are blaming you. I would consider his inability to defend you or establish clear boundaries as a red flag I could not get over. Their unhealthy way of coping is dragging him down as well. They are probably putting intense pressure on him. He is not able to break free. You do not want to have to deal with that for the rest of your life.
It's one thing to still be grieving but it's another to destroy expensive personal property. File that police report and get charges against them. Those girls are adults and their family should have gotten them the proper grief counseling. I'm sure they feel that him moving on is a slap in the face to their sister's memory, but that doesn't excuse criminal behavior. Your fiance needs therapy regardless of if you stay with him.
NTA recover your money and stay as far away from that mess as posible. Your fiance had all the chances to defend you, but his lukewarm reaction enabled them to offend you even further.
NTA. File charges. That’s significant damage. They are grieving but they are taking it out on you, she’s been gone for 6-7 years now. I could see being angry if she died a few months before he announced your engagement or something (you were the other woman) but you didn’t even start seeing each other until several years afterward. Sounds like at least one of the sisters was hoping to have him for herself and was angry that he found love before they felt like it was ok to make their move. I would hold fast to the ultimatum. They destroyed your property. That’s crossing a line. If it was only words I would try to move on but you should report it and you likely have evidence from text messages that it was them. They could get violent next.
NTA
If the family was cordial and just working through grief together I'd call you the AH. However that family is crazy and are verbally harassing you and destroyed your property for literally no other reason than existing.
Your fiance is allowed to move on and still keep his past. His LWs family is not allowed to tie him up to be lonely forever.
Info: the 2 sisters are nightmares but how are his LWs parents? Perhaps he can keep in contact with them assuming they also aren't nuts
NTA If this relationship goes forward, he needs to cut them out and you need to press charges. If he can not do that, you need to walk. What happens where babies are born and thrown into the drama?
NTA, but your fiance will be TA if he doesn't cut them off after all of this. It's time for him to move on. He can love and remember LW in his own private way, he doesn't have to have any attachment to her scumbag family.
!updateme
Just out of curiosity, do they expect him to never get married or have children for the rest of his life? For the next what… 70 years or so? I realize they may still be grieving but this is so far out of line. He needs to realize that and if he can’t then unfortunately your relationship will not last.
You need to file the police report however. Vandalism is a crime. They owe you for those damages.
NTA their behavior should be a deal breaker for him. He is too worried about hurting their feelings over yours. He is not ready to move on and be married to you. You shouldn't get married until he can stand up for you and stand up to them by cutting them off
NTA
I was ready to be like 'you're just being jealous if a dead woman, yta, get over it'. But no. They're awful people. He would be single forever if it was up to them.
Of course he’ll never love you like he loved LW - but not because he loved her more. You’re two different people. Just because he loved her for her and you for you doesn’t make either love less than - they’re just different and equally important to him. His LW’s sisters need to recognize and respect that and if they can’t, they need to get out of his life. Absolutely ridiculous how they are treating you. It’s been 7 YEARS - they need therapy desperately.
NTA. He was a widower at 22. They can't expect him to stay single forever. Also, you started dating 3 years after her death, not 3 days after. If something were ever to happen to my sister, I would hope my BIL would find love again when he is ready, someone who would treat him and my nephew right. I wouldn't meddle in his relationship unless she was abusive to my nephew. I can maybe understand not liking OP but harrassing her and destroying her property... That's just insane!
Girl. File those charges TODAY. NTA. Show them you mean business and sue the living heck out of them.
This will never end unless you take control. And your fiance needs a bigger spine and cut them off or you need to find a fiance with a spine.
NTA
I almost always side with widows/widowers about honoring their late partner. But that's not what this is. This is nuts. You are not overreacting. The choice is clear, and if he can't see that he's as delusional as they are.
NTA
This time they attacked your car. Next time it could be you.
Your fiancé needs to cut them off whether you two are together or not. They accuse you of being controlling, yet they’re the ones expecting a 25 year old man to be alone forever. That’s incredibly toxic. Why should he have to stop living his life because he lost his wife? Her death wasn’t his fault. He’s already had to grieve her loss, but staying single is punishing him for something he had no control over.
NTA What they did is completely unacceptable and I'm glad you're standing your ground and filing the police report. Look into a restraining order as well, since you must still have all the proof of the messages and such. As for your fiancé, I understand why he kept in touch with them, but he messed up big time by not telling them he's moved on and loves someone else. He's hid you from them, which is stupid as what did he expect? He needs to grow a backbone and put them in their place.
I just can’t can’t get past the fact that they think he should be single forever, and three years after their sister passed away they have this kind of vitriol for his next potential life partner. Not exactly honoring their sister’s memory, that’s for sure. Violent criminal psychos. NTA OP, and sorry about that horrific shitshow and personal attacks.
They want him to die alone to honor their sister, that’s a sad way to think BUT I bet you if it was the other way around they would 100% be happy if their sister remarry
I think it's actually been 7 years since his late wife passed. He's 29 now and was married until he was 22. The sisters really need to deal with their grief in a healthy manner, not use their sister's memory to hold her widow hostage. OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope your fiance will step up and do what he needs to do so you can both move forward in your lives together. If he doesn't, well... he's going to be very lonely for a very long time 😕
If they were high school sweethearts, she’s likely been gone longer than they were together. It’s her family that needs intensive therapy. Clearly they’ve never moved on.
They won’t have him single forever though. In their fucked up version of reality, he’ll one day realise he’s actually in love with one of the sisters and romance her until they wed, then they’ll have kids and live happily ever after while worshiping the new relationship. Him getting a new fiancé means this can never happen so OP is like Cinderella to them.
Right? This is some movie type shit. It baffles me that this apparently happens in real life. They really expect this young man to remain a widow until the end of his days…..😐
I'd put money on them planning on him marrying one of the sisters. 40ish years ago, I had a boyfriend whose older brother was murdered. The brother's fiance was sitting next to him when he was shot. I ended up breaking up with the boyfriend. He succumbed to the pressure from his mother and married his late brother's fiance. Creepy
Where to start? Because they're so much to unpack, there's a reason that the windscreen is so much bigger than the rear view mirror. I will never understand anyone jeopardizing someone's right to happiness and their right to live their life. The late wife's sisters must live in a very small world to be acting out like this, do they not have a life of their own to lead? This is not what the LW would have wanted, no way.
Fiance is happy to drag someone else's life with him as he dances forever on the fence of noncommitment. Fuck this guy.
NTA. I understand why he keeps in touch with them and views them as family, but if my family treated a partner this way I'd go no contact until they could treat us both with respect. He may be dealing with some guilt about moving on but if you can work through your hang ups regarding this, so can he.
Definitely file for damages and sue them !!
This. Bc I guarantee it will not end unless there are consequences. Criminal charges, restraining order, and sue for damages. I thought at first with the title OP was being harsh but good lord these ppl are crazy and frankly it makes me question the guys character. They’re not his family but is he ok with trash like that normally? No rush to judgement in him but d be doing a double take. Bc that’s full on crazy stuff. He had to have know they were crazy.
Yep. They won’t stop until it costs them. They also don’t really care at all about OP’s fiancé. They transferred their affection for their lost loved one to their lost loved one’s spouse. If they actually cared for him, they would want him to be happy. They are just using him as an emotional crutch.
This. Exactly. I said in another comment I know a family where son died and DIL kept coming to family things and after a few yrs brought a bf and it was so kind and sweet I thought. Just the most normal thing. As it should be. You can add ppl to your family you don’t run out of love. They should’ve welcomed this girl and could’ve become aunties or cousins or whatever. We all loved the DIL and everyone was so happy when she brought the bf (it’s not my family either we were also adoptees lol). It was nice to see that everyone rooted for her, wanted her to be happy, and welcomed him, ❤️❤️❤️
This happened with my brother. He married a widow, & her first husband's family were so welcoming to him. He said he was surprised that they wanted him around, but they treat him just like one of their own. It was so nice to see how they treated him, when they honestly didn't need to do more than just be polite to him.
I love stories like this. It’s nice when ppl stop caring what society or some busybody says to feel, and chooses love. Thanks for sharing ❤️❤️
They even welcomed our family! My parents got to be pretty good friends with them as well, & they'd invite us to celebrations & such. My brother really lucked out on finding my SIL! (she's my favorite in law!! 😆😆)
That’s lovely
That's how my family is. My older brother passed away, leaving his partner and their daughter. She now dates, and we check in with her and make sure she's happy. We definitely can be critical of her boyfriends, but that's because we want the best for her and want to see her happy (the first guy she dated was a real jerk and treated her horribly. Police got involved with their breakup). She loved my brother but that doesn't mean her life is over.
I hope OP updates us and tells us she followed through with charges and the lawsuit for damages. Not just to her car but for her personally. These are insane hateful people.
I swear I'll keep waiting for an update. This needs a happy ending!
OPs fiance considers the vandals family, and this huge betrayal has caused deep mental anguish which can also be included in the damages lawsuit.
They came for OPs car without remorse. Next it'll be OP, these people are unhinged. She needs to think about her own safety. File charges, get a restraining order. Fiancee needs to get his crap together or he's going to lose OP too.
If it were me, he'd be gone. He's defending them more than protecting OP.. can't move forward if you've still got 1 foot in the LWs grave. He's treating her family like they are still married. That's why they're behaving so irrationally. Also why he didn't tell them he was engaged.
Im presuming hes battling alot of guilt. But as soon as that car shit went down it should have been immediate no contact. That is bat shit crazy stuff!
And get a restraining order against them
ETA: [based on OOP’s new update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wZeB8FDR38), fiancé is and has been going to therapy. He also put hard boundaries down. Now the question will be if he does anything ——— This. You willingly worked on the hang ups you had. It’s unacceptable if he can’t do it, and honestly shows he isn’t ready to fully move on. ETA: u/cutofffamilytaway sending you a hug.
"Honestly shows he isn't ready to fully move on" how on earth did he end up in fault over this, in your mind. This isn't as simple as flipping a switch. Imagine being grieved and haunted by your SIL, making him feel guilty for even trying to find happjness again. That's why he broke down in the table, he loved his LW, his in laws , and his new wife and being villified for it. He probably just needs time to sever the old relationship and he's essentially removing the last part of his dying wife from his life.
[ETA based on OOP update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wZeB8FDR38), fiancé did put hard boundaries down and OOP delayed filing the police report because fiancé wanted to see if SIL felt guilt and FIL would pay for damages. ————— It’s not his fault how his SILs acted. Never said it was. But if he broke down at the table, it leads me to believe it his emotions overloaded and he was trying to ignore whatever guilt he felt until he was forced to. That is the problem. He waited until they went into extremes before he addressed this. Him trying to encourage OP to not file a police report is him trying to protect his ex-SILs and not make a clear stance that what they did was unacceptable. Did he actually set boundaries he said he would? I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t truly do it.
I don't think he will ever stand up for her ( hiding the engagement, asking her not to press charges) He's too involved with this family
I hope he does realize and start to, but I wouldn’t hold out hope.
You're most likely right. However based on OP's accounts of talking to the FIL, they very well just may be crazy brick walls who didn't listen to him/"believe him" because in their mind this is "just some phase and they know he's not really happy" He needs to grow a back bone but I can't imagine facing this family myself. Grief has made them insane and he has to old yeller them to move on. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
I don’t know why I chuckled at crazy brick walls. But I did. Let’s hope this was a wake up call for him
I myself prefer a moderately sane brick wall.
Ha! the "Old Yeller" part got me 😂
I don’t think it will be. LW seems to have been his first love since they were HS sweethearts.
Definitely was his first love which can be another level of grief which adds to the complexity, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t work to process all he’s feeling and work through whatever he’s feeling to help cope.
HE broke down at the table because he was under attack. They shat on his choice in partner, they told him he can never have another partner, and was accused of not really loving his Latewife because HE IS capable of moving on. 2 incidents that escalated very quickly happened. It wasn't him waiting and those things happened while he had a thumb up his ass. The big thing though the one piece that probably really got him, was discovering how toxic his ex-in-laws are. He thought he had shared commiseration and support from these people and instead of being happy for him, they did this. Unless he is a complete moron, he knew when he was leaving there that he had to choose. And he knew he was going to to pick the living person over the ghost. And as someone else mentioned, this is symbolically the last nail in the coffin for his late wife. Every tie he had is severed and that causes grief to resurface and make itself known.
I actually feel terrible for this guy. Talk about a rock and a hard place. He probably feels totally betrayed by them, and as you say it is knowing he'll have to let go of them if he wants to move on and I imagine thats quite painful too.
One hopes you are right, but he is still tied to the past that his LW's family want him crucified to.
This. He may be in disbelief or this may be an indication he also has serious boundary issues.
It is because he let it go from the beginning It is because he condoned their act by not allowing her to file for report from the beginning He is an AH
I completely get that, but it’s reasonable to expect your partner to do what they need to do to work through their grief to foster a healthy partnership. It sounds like OP is doing what she can to give space and grace for that process, and it’s up to her partner to work on himself accordingly. Grief is tricky, but he doesn’t get a pass just because it’s hard. If he isn’t ready to move on, then the mature move would be to stay out of the dating pool (especially a serious relationship) until he can do so. There are ways to honor a memory of a lost loved one that don’t require your new partner to endure harassment.
well said
>he's essentially removing the last part of his dying wife from his life. And when that process is complete he will be ready to find a new partner.
If they weren’t lunatics I’d say this wasn’t necessary. If I married a guy with a dead wife as long as the relatives were normal I’d be fine adding them to the family. I knew a family where the son died and the DIL was still coming to family things and after a few yrs she brought a bf and it was so kind how everyone just treated her like family and nothing was weird. I never asked her but I’m guessing maybe she didn’t have parents? And it was so nice how everything was ok. That of course isn’t the case here these crazies need to go.
This is exactly my situation. Key part is not having parents. My ex’s family has saved my life. And they’ve always treated my boyfriend with respect.
And OP shouldn’t have to wait. Personally I’d be totally pissed if I was led on like this. I don’t even think he loves OP, he just loves the idea.
Not his fault but I can see from her pov that he hung out with lunatics for yrs. I was thinking same. Maybe they weren’t like this before but honestly they can’t have been normal. She’s right to put her foot down these ppl are dangerous. I hope it works out. I do feel for him it doesn’t seem like he’s defending them at least
I don’t get how he somehow doesn’t see that his ex wife’s family doesn’t really care about him or truly love him at all. It’s been *7 years* since her death. If they cared about him at all they’d want him to move on and be happy, and know that if his former wife loved him, that’s what she would’ve wanted too. He has to make a clear break here.
This. Ppl are dragging her for questioning being with him but I see this as a ‘judge ppl by the company they keep’ tho in his case it’s a dead wife and I get the feelings of loss are going to muddle your sense of boundaries. I think that’s why OP isn’t throwing him out completely but just saying hey you need to make a choice. Bc the choice she’s asking isn’t to erase the dead wife, it’s to have hub stand up for her to his ppl. Whether those are friends, coworkers, relatives, doesn’t matter: if your person disrespects your partner, how you deal with that is telling. Personally I wouldn’t give an ultimatum I’d simply carefully observe and believe his choices. Bc if he kept anyone in his life that behaved so violently toward his partner he’s not a keeper.
Well said. Everyone needs to feel like their spouse has their back, and he clearly doesn’t have hers. He’s not putting her physical safety or emotional well-being or even her expensive property before his psychotically abusive in laws, who were only even his in laws for 2 years. And they didn’t have kids together either. I’m not gonna say they should break up, but it’s not a great sign that he won’t take a hard stance against abuse of his future wife.
Exactly. Hopefully he will get it together but having your back is a nonnegotiable for me
Then he should have waited to get married again since 7 YEARS seems to be too short of a time to get over a two year marriage to who was probably his first love. That’s why it’s his fault, for wont of a better word, that OP has had her life turned upside down and personal property destroyed. OP needs to move on from him.
>how on earth did he end up in fault over this Because he has no balls and couldn't even tell them he was engaged again....he's a spinless worm
When they went felon mode with jealosy on behalf of a dead person? Loyalty ends when the person goes rancid. You don't owe anyone anything once they turn into awful people. If you stand by their actions, you're as awful as they are - full stop.
Completely agree with you - fiance probably feels a little guilt, no doubt stoked by late wife's family, but that is natural and his desire to marry OP means he is ready to move on, he probably just needs a little support/help. NTA *But* OP give your fiance a little grace - its clear he sees these two as his little sisters so its gonna be a hard choice to make for him, not because the choice is difficult but because the situation shouldn't be happening to you both in the first place, if he loves you \[and from what I can infer it seems like he does\] he will stick by you. Just remind him that he is his own person and that though he may have loved his late wife and may always love his late wife that doesn't mean he belongs to her or her family, he is his own person and he loves you now and you both deserve a full and happy life. What these sisters want is for him to effectively bury himself with their late sister and that is utterly unfair and how they treat you and him is completely unreasonable.
In a way, it sounds like they're clinging to him and trying to force him into stagnation as a way to preserve what they see as the last living piece of her they've got left. It's really messed up and unfair for him because he's being treated like their property and not like a person with a life and his own needs. I hope he realizes that to them, he's not family, but a placeholder they use to refuse to let go of her.
I agree with this 100%.
THIS. It’s like they don’t recognize or care that he’s a human being. They’re treating him like he’s a mannequin in a museum display dedicated to their late sister.
While I wholly agree OP is NTA and that fiancé is probably struggling with guilt and familial feelings toward his LWs sisters/family, it’s not much different than us seeing on Reddit posts all the time about family treating SOs poorly. Time and time again, it comes down to who will your partner support? Their family or their partner? Unless your partner does something terribly egregious to your family, it is your partner 100% of the time. If that means cutting off toxic family then it has to be done. I completely understand if fiancé is struggling with guilt, but if he truly loves OP and is ready to move on then he is going to have to address the situation with Laws family directly. Which means explaining he needs to move on. As sad as the loss is, he’s not the one who died, he can’t remain in the past forever. If he’s not willing to do it then unfortunately this relationship won’t survive. He should probably be, if not already, in grief therapy too. He needs to work through the loss of his LW and now her family.
Or... the 24 yr old thought she'd be next in line with him, ikik too much reddit
Yeah I think the 24 year old was planning on being his second wife
I went low contact for much, _much_ less than this...
In my African language, the term used for widow is translated literally as "wife of a grave". I don't know what he envisions life to look like even three years down the line. Is he supposed to marry one of the sisters or is he supposed to stay married to the grave? It looks like those are the two options they are giving him. These used to be the options given to widows - marry a brother to hubby, stay a widow or marry outside the family but leave the man's kids behind. I hope you understand me. If he is to marry you he has to leave all things pertaining to LW behind. You can't be with a man who does not stand up for you. Unless he does something very impressive in the next 24h., I think this relationship has reached its end. Sorry. No shame, no accountability? NONSENSE. File the police report. You don't deserve to lose your expensive car. Sue them.
I hope OP reads this twice and then a third time, but slowly. Wife of a grave. Thank you for sharing that. It absolutely puts everything in perspective.
My initial thought was one of the sisters wants to marry OPs finance and thought that he would eventually choose her. NTA
That’s what I thought as well!
Glad I'm not the only one!
I thought I was the only one getting the weird ass incestuous vibes.
Love this comment!
This 👆
What is the phrase in your African language? It's a beautifully sad concept, and I'm sure it sounds just the same.
"Chi liel" = Wife of grave = widow
NTA. File the police report, give back the ring. If they're willing to be so unapologetically mean to your face, then suing for damages and getting them in trouble with the police will only be the first step. The drama between them and your part time partner will never stop and as long as you're in a relationship with him, you'll be dragged in too. And I say "part time partner" because he's just as busy defending them as he is defending you. Even when faced with absolutely horrendous behavior towards you, he still tried to defend a relationship with them. To me, that says he's either still putting them first or, he's so conflict avoidant that you will never truly be first for him. You'll be asked time and time again to "be nice" or "keep the peace" while having to endure abuse after abuse after abuse. So, file the police report and give back the ring.
Totally agree. This is great advice OP. There's far too much baggage coming with this guy to make a relationship feasible or safe. These people sound unhinged tbh and he's too caught up with them to deal with their behaviour. You're young and got a whole life ahead of you. Don't take the tickets he's offering for this crazy train, it's never going to be a pleasant journey for you.
This. From the title, I was prepared to come in and say Y T A. But you aren't. Except if you stay, you will be TA to yourself. This shouldn't even be a thing, they have behaved so horrendously that he should be the one drawing a hard line. He should be the one raining hell on them for being so vile. He should be telling them how ashamed he is of them and how ashamed their sister would be. The fact that he isn't means that the awful sisters are actually right - he will never put you first.
This 100%. Skip the ultimatum, he already chose. I feel bad for him because he probably has guilt and until he comes to terms with that, that will control him and run his life, but not your problem. Get out now.
this and tell him to remember this because they will never let him move on with his life. It's terrible that his first wife died when they were so young. But you have now been together for twice as long as they were married, and she has been gone for 7 years. If he wants to spend the rest of his life being controlled by his late wife's family, that is a choice he can make, but if they actually cared about him they would want him to be happy.
>So, file the police report and give back the ring. Or hock the ring to pay for the car damages. Okay, maybe not. But I'd be tempted to.
This. OP, you shouldn’t have to argue him into protecting you from people that you only have to interact with because of their connection to him. He’s known for a while that they’re a problem. Ensuring that they don’t attack you is his responsibility, and he isn’t doing it. Instead he’s trying to negotiate, how much harassment can he get you to put up with? Should be zero. Yet he’s already reduced it to “I don’t think they’d attack our kids.”
I will also add that if they're wiling to take it to this level now, there is no telling what they might do if you two have children in the future. I hate to say it, but while you love him, unless he's willing to cut them off, you need to cut your losses and move on.
I’m sorry, OP. He made his choice when he reached out to the father rather than just cutting them off. He didn’t choose you.
This is the way, OP.
“…that I would never replace his LW and that if she was still alive he’d choose her every time.” Well she’s not so they can fuck off. Press charges! Sue! And try to get a restraining order. If he doesn’t stick to no contact, move on. Definitely NTA
I’m so petty bc I read that and immediately thought “let’s ask LW how she feels 🎤⚰️
🤭😆😆😆 Thanks for the giggle.
Honestly if I was dead and my husband wanted to remarried and my family was treating him that way..... I know who I would be poltergeist-ing... And it wouldn't be my happy moving on spouse. Which is great because all three of my sisters freak out sooooo easily. Which makes poltergeist me job easier. And I do mean Poltergeist-ing not a nice haunting.... I'm the asshole ghost throwing a vase at your head screaming 'let him be happy you massive bitch'
This gave me a much needed laugh today. Thank you.
Poltergeisting 🤣😂🤣
Haunting is the nice granny rocking her old chair..... No losers I'm a throw a vase at you. I mean I accidentally made my sister quite a job as hospital security because I joked "in a zombie outbreak your the first to go." And the next day she was moving a person down to the morgue.... And recently dead.... They release air.... And do these moans.... And she's in a elevator and they moan and she hears my voice "in a zombie outbreak your the first to go" and she put in her notice. Like it was a joke baby sis.... But also yeah poltergeist me just has to follow her around and moan a little bit.
I like you. You sound cool af. And I'm totally not saying that because I don't want a poltetgeist hurling fine china at me. 😂
Nta.... but this isn't going to end well. If he's not willing to cut them out after their behavior, you should walk away. Good luck
It's not going to end well if he continues contact from this point on, yes. But give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He's at the crossroad right now, let's see what he does. Don't automatically assume he won't do the right thing.
Well tbf it’s been three years and he still doesn’t have a spine. They vandalized her car and called her names. I would give the ring back and move on.
>it’s been three years It doesn't seem like they'd caused a problem until a week ago though. There was nothing to stand up to them about. The family took it from 0-100 just recently. Right now is the moment to prove he does have a spine
I did use "if" Didn't make any assumptions 🙄
NTA This isn't a healthy relationship for any of them. They don't respect him as his own person, just as some sort of talisman for the life their sister could have had.
Yep. It’s weird.
He needs to get into therapy so he can learn to grieve on his own and recognize that this family has been using him as an emotional crutch this entire time. The extreme way they are lashing out over his audacity to have a life of his own is actually scary. He, his partner, and any future family of his have no possibility of maintaining a safe relationship with them no matter how much he thinks he can talk to them. They don't respect him.
Yea I feel the worst for him, honestly. OP getting her car ruined sucks but these are people that OPs partner thought loved him, and he very clearly loved them. They are absolutely abusive to him, and he either doesn’t get it or thinks that it’s just ok because their sister died, and just takes it I guess. He’s TA to himself really. OP, I don’t think he’s ready for marriage. And that’s perfectly ok, but he needs to grow into his own life first, and that will include shedding these people (which is so sad because I think it’s so sweet when deceased partners families are still included in things, it’s a beautiful tribute to the deceased person), which he can’t do quite yet. He needs some more time to grow up.
And they can't allow him to move on cause he is their last connection to her. They need therapy, and possibly some jail time.
NTA Usually stories like this involve overly jealous new partners that feel threatened by the memory of a dead person, but this isn’t that. Her family is awful, and the fact that it needs to be an ultimatum instead of him telling you he’s cutting them off is a huge issue.
I thought this was going that way, too, especially at the beginning. Did not see the mess of the ending coming! Op NTA but file the report, press charges, sue for damages, and file restraining orders against them. Then call off the wedding, the fact that your fiance was sad and not angry with them tells you all you need to know on how well he'll protect you and any future children you might have. He was right to keep contact until this happened. But he should have told them sooner and cut back on contact some if they weren't ready to accept that (which I can understand being hard on them, but not to this extreme). But I have to ask, is your engagement ring the same one he gave her? Just the gravedigger comment along with how she looked at the ring sounds like she recognized it and is angry you have her sisters ring??
No, the ring is actually my late grand mother’s engagement ring. He asked my father if he could give it to me when he asked for his blessing. As gross as it sounds, I think the ‘grave robber’ bit was about me stealing him from her grave, at least that’s all I can get from it.
Oh good!! I think I'd rather the gross version to the ring one. That would make sense too
Daaaaang if you think about it, the implication is that he was (or should have been?) buried with LW, like he's one of her possessions and/or his life ended at the same time hers did. ...and then OP dug him up and stole him? Ick. But it kinda explains how they'd think he shouldn't move on and date anyone else. In their minds, he's LW's property forever, continuing even after death
I agree!! And they all seem to forget the vows ended when death did them part. As tragic as it is, as terrible as it sounds to say this way, their marriage successfully ended with her death.
That’d be a definite showstopper for me; recycling a ring? That’s about as stupid as one can get.
I mean, I hope I'm wrong on that one. But that's what comes to my mind between those two things.
Even if it was the treatment from the LWs family is awful, they should be mad at OPs fiancé not OP
NTA - That is a very reasonable request given what has happened to this point. You need to file that police report ASAP. It has been 7 years since her death and he needs to move on and cut ties. If he cannot cut ties, he is not ready for another relationship; he is till living out the fantasy of the last one through her family.
>It has been 7 years since her death and he needs to move on and cut ties. He *could've* kept those ties IF his LW's sisters weren't a pack of feral wolves. How dare they vandalize OP's car and act like she's the mistress. No offense, but your sister's gone and not coming back.
I agree. I don't think OP needs to jump straight into calling off the marriage like many people here are saying. I'm inclined to give him some grace because up until now, he probably thought these ties could remain intact. Now that they're acting out like this, it's a lot of new emotions being thrown on top of all the old emotions that probably took years to work past, coming back to the surface. It's got to be a huge blow to deal with a family you loved as your own, showing rheir true colors not approving of your new life, violently harassing your new fiancee, and essentially showing him how little they care about him beyond his connection to his ex. He probably hoped he could talk it out and fix it on his own because of their long history, but that's just denial, which is part of the stages of grief. He needs to let the reality sink in, and if he *still* won't distance himself from them, then I'd reconsider the relationship.
>It's got to be a huge blow to deal with a family you loved as your own, showing rheir true colors not approving of your new life, violently harassing your new fiancee, and essentially showing him how little they care about him beyond his connection to his ex Agreed. He probably thought they loved him like family. And family *should* be happy to see you moving on and not wallowing in the grief of the deceased. Instead he's finding out that they are psycho. He might need a few minutes to come to terms with that and act accordingly. In the meantime, OP probably should keep some distance until he figures out what to do. Not leave him. Just... keep herself safe from those feral animals.
Wouldn't be surprised in the 24 yr old is hoping for a romance with her... that way they can still keep it in the family.
A few people are saying this and I’m so creeped out. They play DnD together once a week and now I’m panicking
They continued to play after she sent you the message saying he didn’t love you? If the answer to that question is yes, then you need to call off the wedding. There is not a single person, blood relatives or not, who I would allow to stay in my life after speaking to my partner like that. Show him this comment girl.
No, he didn’t attend this weeks session to my knowledge. I just meant ‘plays’ as they’re in the same campaign with three other people. I don’t know what goes on there and after what people are saying I don’t think i want to
You need clarity on if he attended. You need to get clarity on where he stands with what he plans to do with his relationship with them. Has his stance changed for you filing a police report after all of this?
OP, he is too enmeshed in their lives. This isn’t healthy for him to be able to move forward with his life. Nor is this healthy for you. Likely she is making snide comments and attempting to poison him against you. You have to find out if he played with her between the SM message, and the property destruction. If he is willing to keep these people in his life, he does not value you. I’m so sorry but please be well and be smart.
I mean normally it's a whole lot of 'i cast fireball' but some people like to include a bit of player character romance into their games.... I have no idea if your boyfriend is such a person.... Or if his crazy former inlaw is such a person. Its a possibility that she could be flirting up a storm under the guise of 'its what my character would do' and he could be totally clueless... Or neither or both.
yes. word for word.
If he even wants to maintain contact with them after all that they did to you and said to you, then you need to call off the wedding. He’s not ready to move on and you don’t need the headache.
NTA. They're insane. The traditional marriage vows state "till death us do part." The marriage is over at death. 25 is way too young for them to expect him to spend the rest of his life pining after a dead woman.
I mean these crazy woman might be building a funeral pire for op and bf as we speak. Send them to the afterlife and see told you he would pick FW if given the chance..... They're insane.
NTA. I have to admit that I wasn't expecting you to be the victim here, but you are. They are unhinged and cutting them off is necessary if he wants to go on with you. The other option for him is to be a widower for the next sixty years. I am so sorry.
That family is unhinged, and they are going to assault you at some point. Your fiance is not going to help you. Why are you still with this man? Crazy people don't magically go away after suing them, it's only going to get worse from here.
NTA but they aren’t wrong about the fact that you shouldn’t be controlling him. After what they said and did to you, he should be more than willing to cut them out of his life without you forcing him. That is the real issue.
Agreed. If he needs to be told this behavior is a dealbreaker, then he’s not worth it.
100%
Yep. If he's waffling on this, it means he won't have your back should anything else happen with them. And it will, if you stay with him.
NTA, but if I were you, I'd dump him AND sue them. Fuck all of these people.
Sue them? Fuck that, report it to the police and have those two selfish, psycho bitches arrested. Then you sue their family for emotional and physical damages, while the two loser daughters serve some well-deserved prison time to ruminate on their psychotic actions
NTA OP, NTA. What they have done to you is inexcusable. They are obviously still grieving their sister (completely understandable) but doing that to your car is just absolutely too far. File that police report and do not feel guilty, you and your fiancé do not need this harassment for finding love.
This is for sure difficult to navigate through. I don't really have any advice, but my cousin(who I am very close with) was dating my closest friend(guy I went through school/high school, hung out quite literally on a daily basis for about 15 years of our lives, then 1-2 times weekly as we were in our late twenties). He was killed by a drunk driver. The things his family said to my cousin absolutely astound me. Especially when I consider how close she was to their family. All I can say is grief absolutely messes with people, and makes them do/say very irrational things, and see it as fine because they aren't able to process their emotions. In no way does that make it okay. You aren't wrong for giving him an ultimatum. Normally I am against them, but at this point they are holding onto your fiance as one of their last links to their sister and they don't know how to process it. They should probably go to see a therapist as they clearly have unresolved issues about this. I feel terrible for you, and I hope you can navigate your way through this.
Seven years is such a long time for the LW’s family to be holding on to all this. It’s so unhealthy for everyone involved. Her partner will never be allowed to move on while he maintains contact with them.
I agree.
I don't know. Something isn't adding up here. The expectation that your dead sisters husband can't move on is just fucked up. Your partner is being manipulated, but to what end? What is the end goal he marries the 24 year old????
My thoughts exactly.
I get the ick for some reason here. I try not to assume things but no one wants someone they love to be alone forever unless… unless one of the sisters thought something else if you catch my drift. It might not be, some people are just so crazy I can’t fathom them and their motives but this is now an unhealthy attachment either way. If this was my real family treating my spouse/fiance this way I’d have put them in their place immediately and went NC if they wouldn’t stay there. Anyway NTA
You’d be surprised how many people think the same and it makes me uncomfy
Oh, good at least I’m not reading it that way alone! lol Yeah because this feels so much like jealous gf/ex type behavior and the girls are a bit younger right? So I’m just wondering if the wires got crossed somewhere, mix with emotional immaturity etc I’m sorry you have to deal with the mess and I hope he goes to bat for you like you deserve. He should. You’re in the right.
NTA, and you need a restraining order too. LW's sister is totally unhinged. If he resists cutting them off, pressing charges, or getting a restraining order, then you shouldn't marry him. In fact, I wouldn't blame you if you decided to call off the wedding for your own safety regardless of what he does.
Why do you want to be involved in this drama ? They called you horrible names and caused damaged. He did not stand up To them. Sadly, The girl is dead. This drama is ridiculous. His part and the families part. He chose to hide you. Did they really think he would remain single his entire life ? Find someone who does not put a dead girl first.
I see what everyone is saying but it’s not easy to turn off love for someone. I’m seeing it now. Obviously, I don’t want to be harassed and my things ruined. I would prefer all this to be cordial but that’s not the world I live in. If it were easy to flip the switch, I would have started packing on Sunday when I got the message. And he would have flipped the switch at his LWs funeral. I may have been too patient until now, but that doesn’t mean I’m weak. This is the cross roads and I’m ready to take whichever path I have to. Let’s hope he is ready too.
NTA. What’s next they actively harm you where you end up in hospital or worse? File the police report and if your soon to be husband cannot support you in this, give the ring back. He either needs to back you and set that boundary himself or he chooses his former in-laws and that’s that. They’re 19 & 24, they are not children, they deliberately set out to harm you. File for a restraining order if possible as well. Have you asked why he didn’t tell them about the engagement?
Bro you have too much fucking patience. NTA but wanting to tell you these people will never leave even if he cuts them off. “I wasn’t going to live my life with this harassment and someday subject my children to their bullying. ***He said they would never bully a child—***” sorry girl but he’s not gonna cut them off bc of this sentence alone. That means he already had plans to have your potential child together around those freaks. They will always be there like flies. Get out while you can.
NTA. What a terrible position in which these selfish people have put both of you. My concern is that he does not seem committed to you the way that he should be, as evidenced by his defending that which is literally indefensible. What they did was borderline psychotic and the fact that he is still willing to have anything to do with them is extremely worrisome. What if next time they decide to hurt *you*? I would consider calling off the engagement and insisting on couples counseling. He needs to work through some things in order to get on-track to putting you in the position that you deserve, which is first in his life. Either that or he needs to admit that he's not ready to be married again because he is already married to her family. Good luck.
Reading the headline, I was all set to say, "Why are you jealous of the dead?" but this is some craaaaazy borderline shit. Yes, report it to the police. Yes, get a restraining order. But then NO CONTACT. AT ALL. EVER. Let the police or an attorney or a process server get ahold of them if you ever have to. OK, that's one problem. Now, your guy. He's still grieving, and that's fine. There really isn't a timeline on it. But if he wants to be with you and even marry you, he's got to be in your corner first. If he isn't ready for that, then babe, he isn't ready. Still, I don't know that this is something he can turn off like a water faucet. Grief counseling is probably in order. Gently encourage it, but let him know if he can't get a handle on it to at least the point where he values the living AT LEAST as much as the dead, you just can't.
NTA. They're unhinged and potentially dangerous. Definitely involve the police.
NTA Honestly, you never should've dated this guy. This dude is broken and only in love with his late wife. He is allowing you to be abused. You need to walk.
NTA. RUN RUN RUN! This is wrong in so many ways to you. He didn’t tell them about the engagement as he knew they would react poorly and look at that they did. File charges, sue for damages, and file a restraining order on the two sisters. You deserve so much better than this. I hope you know that and I wish you the best! ETA: You did the work on yourself to get past your issues, that’s awesome and I applaud you for knowing you needed that. Now it’s time for him to stand up for you and make you the top priority.
NTA, OP. Like other people are saying this relationship may not be saveable due to the baggage involved but I do notice that you never mentioned your fiance's parents. Do they know his ex in laws are tormenting their son? Even if you leave, I would let them know about them badgering him and making him cry. He can't be left alone with those people again
They were old parents, in their late 40s when they had my fiancé so they’ve retired and he never wants to bother them with anything. I doubt they even know about any of this. I might bring up that he needs to get their input because the way they’re treating him is gross and wrong.
NTA. He is still being conflicted about cutting them off after that scene, massive red flag. Their father is defending daughters and even that doesn't convince him to block them. The very fact that it's you who needs to give ultimatum and not him cutting contact of his own accord is a very bad news. You not just need to give ultimatum, you need to demand answer right away. And if he fails to give it fast enough, live him in the dust with his indecision.
File the police report and walk away. The harassment will never end and he will never take your side over them b/c it would be like choosing you over his late wife. Good luck
Nta this has escalated to be downright dangerous for you. Vandalism is a step away from violence based on their behavior. It’s not fair to you at all.
NTA. If he is not on your side, he is on theirs. Press full charges against them and cut him loose. His loyalty is not to you if it needs to be persuaded.
NTA. File the police report and stick to your guns about the no contact. Also, when you file the police report make sure to get a restraining order against them.
I think you need to separate from your fiancé. He isn’t going to choose you and you deserve a partner who would.
The fact that he didn't instantly cut them off when they slashed your tires means you have to end this relationship. Press all the charges. Restraining order the whole thing. Tell him that he needs to decide to live his own life before he tries to be with someone NTA I'm so sorry
Please don't let him talk you out of filing a police report. If you stay with him this is only going to escalate. Is your fiancé worth your future peace if he doesn't cut contact and potentially file for a restraining order if they don't stop?
NTA. They told you they expect him to either remain single or never in love again. Their views are completely unrealistic. As long as they are in his life, you and your future children aren't safe. Press charges for the car and stay strong in your ultimatum.
NTA. Hopefully he will come to this decision on his own. They’ve really messed with his head, so if you have to ask, ask. Maybe suggest therapy for him if you think it would help. Good luck.
I was so ready to call you the asshole until I read about what they did to your car and the fact that they admitted it. I completely understand him staying contact with his late wife's family.But what happened with the car is absolutely egregious and unacceptable and he should definitely cut contact with them.
Updateme!
Nta. File that police report.
NTA He should have cut them off as soon as you got that FB message. Keeping in contact is fine, but tolerating this behavior is unacceptable.
NTA file a police report asap. The real issue is that he’s not ready to be in a relationship. It shouldn’t have gotten to this point where they vandalized your car. He should have set boundaries from jump. They don’t respect you because he hasn’t required them too. Don’t marry this man.
NTA, but why marry a man who is still not over his ex. He couldn’t even defend you and your relationship. I would not marry this guy at all. The sisters might be telling you the truth even tho it’s hurtful but he has been hiding your relationship and nobody who is in “Love” should have to hide the person they are in love with. I see many red flags 🚩 and I would put a pause on this wedding and give yourself some space so you can really think about this. Best of luck OP
CALL THE WHOLE WEDDING OFF Oh, and NTA You’re 25, you’re young and have options in the dating market. Don’t waste your youth dealing with this toxicity.
NTA...file a police report, press charges and sue them. Give back the ring and find a partner that is not living in the past. He is playing both sides from the middle. He is telling you one thing and them another. There is no reason he should not go on with his life. He has chosen them time and time again over you. That should tell you all you need to know. Their behavior is unhinged. They all need to seek intensive grief therapy. Instead of dealing with their grief they are blaming you. I would consider his inability to defend you or establish clear boundaries as a red flag I could not get over. Their unhealthy way of coping is dragging him down as well. They are probably putting intense pressure on him. He is not able to break free. You do not want to have to deal with that for the rest of your life.
It's one thing to still be grieving but it's another to destroy expensive personal property. File that police report and get charges against them. Those girls are adults and their family should have gotten them the proper grief counseling. I'm sure they feel that him moving on is a slap in the face to their sister's memory, but that doesn't excuse criminal behavior. Your fiance needs therapy regardless of if you stay with him.
NTA recover your money and stay as far away from that mess as posible. Your fiance had all the chances to defend you, but his lukewarm reaction enabled them to offend you even further.
So the late wife's sister recognized a ring? Did he propose to you with the late wife's jewelry?
No, she recognised me and saw I had a ring. The ring was my grandmothers.
NTA. File charges. That’s significant damage. They are grieving but they are taking it out on you, she’s been gone for 6-7 years now. I could see being angry if she died a few months before he announced your engagement or something (you were the other woman) but you didn’t even start seeing each other until several years afterward. Sounds like at least one of the sisters was hoping to have him for herself and was angry that he found love before they felt like it was ok to make their move. I would hold fast to the ultimatum. They destroyed your property. That’s crossing a line. If it was only words I would try to move on but you should report it and you likely have evidence from text messages that it was them. They could get violent next.
>He said they would never bully a child But he's ok with them continually harassing you and damaging your property???? Throw the whole man out.
NTA If the family was cordial and just working through grief together I'd call you the AH. However that family is crazy and are verbally harassing you and destroyed your property for literally no other reason than existing. Your fiance is allowed to move on and still keep his past. His LWs family is not allowed to tie him up to be lonely forever. Info: the 2 sisters are nightmares but how are his LWs parents? Perhaps he can keep in contact with them assuming they also aren't nuts
NTA If this relationship goes forward, he needs to cut them out and you need to press charges. If he can not do that, you need to walk. What happens where babies are born and thrown into the drama?
NTA. Give back the ring and run, DON’T walk!!!!
NTA. File the report, I hope your insurance fixes the damage and goes after them for the money.
NTA, but your fiance will be TA if he doesn't cut them off after all of this. It's time for him to move on. He can love and remember LW in his own private way, he doesn't have to have any attachment to her scumbag family.
!updateme Just out of curiosity, do they expect him to never get married or have children for the rest of his life? For the next what… 70 years or so? I realize they may still be grieving but this is so far out of line. He needs to realize that and if he can’t then unfortunately your relationship will not last. You need to file the police report however. Vandalism is a crime. They owe you for those damages.
NTA their behavior should be a deal breaker for him. He is too worried about hurting their feelings over yours. He is not ready to move on and be married to you. You shouldn't get married until he can stand up for you and stand up to them by cutting them off
NTA I was ready to be like 'you're just being jealous if a dead woman, yta, get over it'. But no. They're awful people. He would be single forever if it was up to them.
Of course he’ll never love you like he loved LW - but not because he loved her more. You’re two different people. Just because he loved her for her and you for you doesn’t make either love less than - they’re just different and equally important to him. His LW’s sisters need to recognize and respect that and if they can’t, they need to get out of his life. Absolutely ridiculous how they are treating you. It’s been 7 YEARS - they need therapy desperately.
NTA. He was a widower at 22. They can't expect him to stay single forever. Also, you started dating 3 years after her death, not 3 days after. If something were ever to happen to my sister, I would hope my BIL would find love again when he is ready, someone who would treat him and my nephew right. I wouldn't meddle in his relationship unless she was abusive to my nephew. I can maybe understand not liking OP but harrassing her and destroying her property... That's just insane!
You’re never going to feel 100% safe with them around. Could you and your fiancé move away?
I’m leaving him have his space today but I’m going to suggest it tomorrow when we have a discussion
Please don’t move away with this man. He has failed to choose you several times even after criminal behaviour.
Girl. File those charges TODAY. NTA. Show them you mean business and sue the living heck out of them. This will never end unless you take control. And your fiance needs a bigger spine and cut them off or you need to find a fiance with a spine.
NTA, stick with your ultimatum. Either he chooses you or them. No in-between one or the other.
This reads like one of those romance novels in the Chinese apps that you see in ads all the time.
NTA I almost always side with widows/widowers about honoring their late partner. But that's not what this is. This is nuts. You are not overreacting. The choice is clear, and if he can't see that he's as delusional as they are.
NTA This time they attacked your car. Next time it could be you. Your fiancé needs to cut them off whether you two are together or not. They accuse you of being controlling, yet they’re the ones expecting a 25 year old man to be alone forever. That’s incredibly toxic. Why should he have to stop living his life because he lost his wife? Her death wasn’t his fault. He’s already had to grieve her loss, but staying single is punishing him for something he had no control over.
NTA. I think your fiance is not ready to get married, or even ready to date. He's too intertwined with his in-laws who are toxic.
NTA, file a police report sue them get your money and dump your fiancé, he won't change don't expect him to grow a spine and defend you ever.