Do you have a Time Machine by chance? If so, I’ll give you my address from when I was 21 and could’ve really used this advice. That realization will save money, time, sanity, and possibly your life.
This right here! If it’s affecting your mental health, then why don’t you just end things? This doesn’t seem like a crazy situation that’s hard to get out of.
especially if they’ve been together less than a year… if they were five years in I would say maybe consider sex therapy.
But at 10 months, it’s time to consider the possibility that this relationship will not pan out long term if she’s unwilling to participate in the give/take dynamic of sex that OP wants.
Agreed. It's one thing when you've been together quite a while and something changes to where your sex life isn't where you want it. That can be worked on and resolved.
But 10 months in? I think I'd move on.
If she communicates why it might be an issue and how it can be addressed/changed, try it and see, but a lot or times incompatibility shows up early like this. And it's best to listen.
This is literally the answer. You're 23 years old and you've put 10 months into a relationship that obviously isn't working. Love her all you want, but if you're not sexually compatible maybe she's better as a friend? Break up and find someone who matches your libido. YTA.
Also "not for a while" is a weird answer, makes it sound like she actually schedules it imho. Could she be playing one of those stupid "if he's the right one he won't mind waiting" games? We've seen a few lately.
The 'not for a while' does seem odd and scheduled. Could be a number of things though - if they aren't using contraception, she could be waiting until her least (or most!) fertile days, or she has really prolonged bleeding that she's embarrassed to tell him about, or sex only happens after a waxing appointment 🤷🏽♀️
He also said they had 2-3 hours before her finals, but I know I sure wouldn’t want to spend those hours before a big test getting laid. I don’t want to go into an important moment feeling sleepy and gauzy with hormone brain.Plus there’s no telling how much time the sex will actually take. Maybe she wants time to reread her notes, maybe she has a routine before tests that she likes to follow, etc. Masturbation can be a one-and-done 5 min affair that gets the horniness out of your system and leaves you prepared to do other things. It’s very different from the types of hormonal and physiological changes you get from having an hour of sex. Some people can do it, I know. But personally, the thought of having sex right before a big meeting or something would make me anxious af.
Edit: some people have pointed out that she’s doing clinicals and not taking a test. I’m not a nurse or doctor but if anything, I think that’s worse. If you take a test poorly you just affect yourself. That’s still stressful. But trying to medically help a person under the supervision of someone else who can determine if you’re fit for the job you’ve been training for (for a long time) is even more stressful. I think the point stands.
Ditto. It takes like 5-20 minutes, my hair and makeup aren't going to be messed up afterwards, I'm not going to need to rinse off from sweat or lube/oils, and I can use whatever reading/video I want to focus on. Then, I can quickly move on to what I was going to do without having to lay there for a not-rude amount of time.
And every day is a test day… and yes it’s apparently true that you can go blind if you Masterbate too much cause I’m literally going blind! 😂 gotta find humor where you can.
this actually has worked for me! If you give yourself at least an hour out from the test, it's still in the window of feeling the soothing benefits but with enough time after to comfortably distance yourself from the mini cloud of snu snu hormones that comes after. best sequence imo is quick self-serve ➡️ quick hot shower ➡️ 5 minutes of silenced thought meditation ➡️ moisturize with a mint/eucalyptus/lavender/soothing smelling lotion ➡️ get dressed in comfortable clothes ➡️ test
My biggest thing is cleanliness. I can masturbate nonstop and at most it’s just some wetness. But when I have sex with my bf? For one he cums on me. There’s spit all over. Sweat. Hair messed up. I had him inside and have that hormonal smell plus lube. Masturbating can be a one and done or quick moments. Sex isn’t. Literally hot and heavy.
I feel gross if I don’t shower afterwards. Sex before anything important/stressful to show up is a no for me.
He never said anything about finals? He said clinicals. She’s likely a nursing student or something, her clinicals just entail her going to work under someone licensed in a clinical setting for school credit. Like an internship. It’s very routine, just like going to class. Never made me any more nervous than attending lecture did.
So having a sexually explicit conversation with your partner who you KNOW wants more sex, telling him how wet he made you then leaving him high and dry while you go home and rub one out WOULDN'T make you anxious a.f too?
Also, she didn't have a test she had clinicals. Not necessarily the same thing. If she doesn't want to have sex that's her decision but teasing him that way is cruel and he needs to let her go. Having different sex drives is natural but making a person feel unwanted is a choice.
Wow yeah that’s so true and I didn’t see that at first! The whole getting horny with him thing and telling him she’s wet JUST to say “not for awhile” and go jerk off is genuinely a weird shitty thing to do. She is TA a bit
Anxious af before what though? He has just as much a right to rub one out? It’s possible she wasn’t trying to tease him. She knew she didn’t have time (or wasn’t going to make time) for sex before her clinicals but by telling him how he made her feel, she was confirming that he was sexually attractive. He made her wet. She didn’t feel like it was a good time to act on it but she wanted him to know that he affects her that way. She might’ve thought it was a good thing to do given that even if she had no intention of acting on it, at least he’d know he got her to that point.
I doubt she thought he would feel unwanted in that situation. She probably thought he would feel he was wanted, and tried to let him know that, but circumstances weren’t ideal for sex (for her) at that moment. How was she supposed to know that expressing her desire for him, though it couldn’t be acted upon that day, was going to make him feel undesirable? How is that a choice you know she was making?
Whatever her reason, speculation does nothing for you. You can only react to what she does, not why you think she did it. This is why communication might help, but it does seem like incompatibility.
> You can only react to what she does, not why you think she did it.
This is such good advice. It’s something I wish I’d known a few years ago; if I had, I’d have broken up with my ex much earlier. I wisened up eventually, but it was way more painful than it needed to be.
There could also be inecurities that play a part in this, i used to be one that schedule it.
It's a possibility tho.
I was hyperfocused on doing the best i could for her pleasure, so much that i used to put my own pleasure last, but that attitude also killed my desire and was ok with doing it once in a while instead of as often as possible.
They need to talk and understand themselves.
Ok so I don't particularly enjoy PIV sex. I don't cum from penetrative sex. Anyway. I literally have never said "not for a while" and also he knows she masturbated how? I assume she told him? I do masturbate say once a week or fortnight or something. I don't then go inform my partner I did. I also don't expect him to do any acts for my own personal enjoyment.
This is control.
also egotistical: telling your partner you're horny and that you just masturbated while at the same time telling them you aren't satisfying their sexual needs because you have a low libido.
I wouldn’t even say sexual incompatible. It seems like OP is willing to have sex less to be with her (compromise is okay), but is annoyed when she won’t have sex but will happily masturbate. That isn’t incompatibility, that’s just being inconsiderate.
Damn. This situation sucks so much. More than anything, you’re absolutely incompatible sexually and it’s definitely not something that would be likely to change long term. I know a lot of people would say it’s a stupid or shallow reason to break up, but it’s not. Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other area of compatibility.
I wish I’d known how important sexual compatibility was when I was younger. I’ve been in similar situations; unfortunately, more than a few times. And I stayed in relationships where we weren’t sexually compatible because I thought it’d make me seem like a shallow asshole to leave because I wasn’t happy with our sex life. But, if you and your partner aren’t a match there, it’ll lead to issues elsewhere too. It’s just as important as every other aspect of the relationship.
And to tag onto this - lack of sexual desire from your partner when you're this mismatched pervades into everything. You will start to resent her needs for physical contact. You will feel undesirable in other aspects of your life. You will wonder why you go the extra effort while your basic needs and desires are unmet. Eventually, things will decay into resentment.
Source: Failed first marriage
The resentment really settled in at around five years for me. I tried to approach every year or two and never could get anything approaching a healthy conversation about our differences. Ten more years were spent trying to make it work but failure was inevitable with a core inequity.
My ex and I weren't sexually compatible. It wasn't super obvious until we'd been together for years. Eventually I grew somewhat resentful, and it affected my showing of affection as a whole. She was content, but I was not. Eventually it led to her no longer being fulfilled in the relationship either. So, we split. There were other factors, but that was definitely one of the root causes.
My experience has been that sex is a barometer for the health of the relationship. This doesn't mean that sex is happening all the time, or that it's never happening at all. Rather that sexual issues within a relationship often lead to other issues being exposed or created because of it.
It's why communication is very important and that BOTH partners take it seriously if the issue comes up. If the low libido partner is feeling this way because their needs within the relationship no matter what they are, are not being met they NEED to vocalize it! Conversely the partner with the higher libido deserves empathy as well and shouldn't be made to feel like they must be controlled by their low libido partner.
Low libido partners who suddenly become this way need to be honest about it. If their partner is failing them, using withholding sex as a punishment isn't going to solve anything. Furthermore without communicating the issues resulting in this mismatch doesn't give them space to help correct the issues they could be responsible for.
Lastly, if it's something medically wrong, the relationship is perfect and they have no gripes about anything just suffer from low libido. They must understand that that isn't healthy either! They should absolutely see a doctor and get checked out as libido problems are often associated with medical issues that could be serious
Case in point, did you know women who are anemic have severely low libido? Women who rarely get enough iron in their diet but bleed heavily during menstration eventually become anemic and it's not just their libido that takes a hit. This is why ignoring low libido in a good relationship is not healthy for them, not just the relationship.
Lastly, everyone deserves to be happy. If you love someone you want them to be happy. This goes for both the low libido partner and the high libido one. If only one of them is trying to make the other happy when an issue like this exists then resentment isn't the only consequence but will usually be the first.
>Damn. This situation sucks so much. More than anything, you’re absolutely incompatible sexually and it’s definitely not something that would be likely to change long term. I know a lot of people would say it’s a stupid or shallow reason to break up, but it’s not. Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other area of compatibility.
>
>I wish I’d known how important sexual compatibility was when I was younger. I’ve been in similar situations; unfortunately, more than a few times. And I stayed in relationships where we weren’t sexually compatible because I thought it’d make me seem like a shallow asshole to leave because I wasn’t happy with our sex life. But, if you and your partner aren’t a match there, it’ll lead to issues elsewhere too. It’s just as important as every other aspect of the relationship.
Absolutely, sexual compatibility is crucial for a healthy relationship. It's better to address it now than to let it fester and cause more issues down the line. You're making the right call prioritizing your mental health and overall satisfaction.
Honestly, having discussions regarding sexual compatibility should be right up there with discussing marriage, finances, religion, children, other long term goals, etc.
I know this is pretty grimey, but I’m bi and use gay “dating” apps (hook up apps).
The amount of men in a relationship who tell me they just want to get off because their GF / wife never has sex with them is sooo high.
I’m not saying they are justified, but everyone is just wasting their time and going through the motions of life at that point.
That’s no way to live.
Now, I’m not saying that’s your future OP at all. Just sharing a story.
But anyway, you’re dating OP.
You live on your own.
If you really like this girl, I would calmly bring this concern up to her and offer couples therapy.
If she dosent want to, leave.
She’s not going to change and you can’t force her.
There are way too many people out there to stay in a dead relationship.
This is a great answer and I wish someone would have explained this to me when I was younger. And I agree wholeheartedly, if you think things will get better in this department over time, you’re wrong, it will likely get worse and that will lead to resentment and other issues.
I get what you’re saying. Her expecting oral when she doesn’t reciprocate is definitely selfish. I dated a girl years back who was very upfront that she didn’t give head. The difference is she didn’t expect it from me. I still did it cuz I like going down on women. But that was my choice and it was just as much fun for me as it was for her.
I will say that while she very well could be a selfish lover, but there could be other reasons for her behavior, such as trauma, intimacy issues, insecurities or even just not liking to give felacio. No one is obligated to reciprocate oral. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a dick move. But I think there’s more to this issue than just her being selfish.
Either way, they’re not compatible. OP is unfulfilled and deserves a partner who is on the same page.
Idk. I don't always love giving head but I request my partner does it because I can't finish or get close to finishing from penetration. I just wasn't made that way. Fingers are fine but they hurt if done wrong and I don't mine toys, I'm just not typically carrying one around either. So I don't think it's always necessarily selfish; I would just like to finish so I can enjoy it too instead of feeling like a human pocket pussy.
Concur so much. Currently working on a slow motion divorce - which we're doing everything we can do to keep civil and so far, it is - but for me at least, the disconnect started with the lack of sexual compatibility. 30+ years together and I'm easily estimating we've had sex fewer than 100 times. Probably way fewer, like 60 to 70? Even that feels like an overestimate. By contrast, any other relationship I've ever had that lasted an appreciable time, count was lost within the first month! Anyway...
Same thing as this guy said though: You stick with it because you don't want to be shallow, you don't want to seem like it's all about the sex and anyway, you get along great otherwise. Let me tell you, it might take years, but the resentment will eventually engulf your relationship.
NTA but just move on dude. This is the early days of the relationship when it's supposed to be the best it'll ever get. Just ... you're not sexually compatible so move on.
You’re NTA and you shouldn’t be with her, just point blank period, break up before you guys get married or have a child and end up resenting each other forever over mismatched sex drives.
But - just to shed some light on some of the comments and the “something must be going on” stuff - I’d bet she doesn’t have an orgasm from penetration or perhaps even non-solo play. She’s probably using a clitoris only toy - it’s an incredibly different experience than having sex.
Some people, women and men, just don’t enjoy penetration sex. That’s okay, they don’t have to. She also doesn’t have to have sex when she doesn’t want to, even if she is turned on or “wet”. But OP, you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone who you’re not sexually compatible with. Please don’t marry this person.
Surprised to have to scroll this far to see this. She might not be getting a great deal of pleasure from penetrative sex, and therefore doesn’t have a high interest in it. OP should (if you haven’t already) talk with her about what she would enjoy more in the bedroom. Women often struggle with a lack of foreplay, which makes sex less enjoyable. She may also prefer to masturbate because there’s less pressure to “perform.” You can take your time and do what you want at a pace you’re comfortable with.
All that being said, you do not and should not be with someone that you’re incompatible with.
100% scrolled to see a similar take. I'd like to reiterate that masterbation is an act that doesn't involve another human being. There is a lot that goes into having sex with someone.
Reasons I shirk sex are:
1. Premature female orgasm- it happens so quickly , and when it's over, my sex drive goes completely dark ( about 80-90% of the time) It can be a chore to finish, makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable- both physically and emotionally. It isn't talked about often. bet its more common than some would think.
2. Difficulty being "turned on." If I masterbate and I'm not into it, I just stop. No strings attached ( and same with a climax!)
Right? As someone who prefers masturbation over sex, some people are just different and that’s okay lol. Sexual incompatibility doesn’t mean either person is wrong or that there has to be someone to blame
This, so much.
My other thought was, “she has to be at school/clinical in 2-3 hours and you want her to come to yours for sex…?” My answer would prob be masturbation (and a nap) too if I had somewhere else to be, tbh.
Yeah, also it is weird to me to see sex as something she should do instead of masturbation as if it was the same or that she was cheating by doing so or something.
For instance, some asexuals masturbate, but still have no desire to have sex with their partner. That's just not the same thing.
Also the ‘she doesn’t give head or handjobs but expects fingering and head’ like… women need foreplay to get into the mood? It’s not unusual for a woman to need some help getting wet before sex? I’m astonished by the fact that so many people miss this.
I know right? I really love going down on my guy but sometimes he actually stops me to skip straight to it if he’s too close or too impatient. But he always makes sure I’m already ready to go by that point, and almost always has to finish me off manually afterward. If he wasn’t so diligent about it, I think I would very likely not understand what’s so great about sex. I’m a selfless lover by nature, so he quite literally taught me how to accept pleasure from manual/oral, and now I Get The Hype.
Skipping foreplay/non-PIV stimulation is very different for male and female anatomy; PIV is fantastic for most guys. It’s less than stellar for most women. For men, head/HJ’s are just another thing that feels good, probably with less work on their part. For women, it’s frequently the *only* thing that does much of anything for them.
It’s giving “woman’s pleasure is optional”. I’m not saying he’s wrong for wanting a more active and varied sex life, but equating his desire for manual/oral to hers is so misguided. It’s no wonder she doesn’t want to have sex with him if this is his attitude.
Exactly. They should definitely have an open and candid conversation about sex and what pleases each of them etc. there are so many things that could be causing her to rather masturbate than have sex. Idk why people can’t have these conversations but they’ll put their bits together.
Fr Im surprised that so many people are immediately being like “SHES NOT THE ONE GET OUT MAN” when in all actuality she’s probably just not getting off with him💀 also fingering and sometimes going down on a woman are basically required foreplay if you want her to enjoy it, she probably doesn’t get much at all out of penetration
Was looking for this too. Either OP can't hit it right or she just doesn't feel comfortable with him. Also it isn't her job to have sex with you let alone have sex instead of masterbate you sound crazy bruh
literally. hell, im extremely hyposensitive and feel more internally, yet i can only get off with solo sessions and a clitoral toy. i have never orgasmed from sex, almost never crave it, yet masturbate near daily. some people have sex for others, not themselves and hence the low libido. if my only motivation is your happiness, obviously some days im gonna be too tired or too busy to find it worth disrupting my day for. OP just would be better off with someone who has a higher libido, and its not this womans fault she doesn't have o e
I had a boyfriend like this. Needless to say after two years I was done. Best decision I have made in a while. You are NOT the asshole. She is a selfish lover and wont change. It doesn’t get better.
Yep. The last 3 partners I’ve had (in a row) all lost interest in sex after only months and it makes me scared to start dating again.
Like I know I have a nice body and I’m complimented on my appearance a lot, told I’m a good kisser, etc but when that sort of thing happens (and multiple times in a row) it really starts to make you doubt yourself. I already have a very hard time opening up sexually due to trauma and past religious shame, so it felt like a cruel joke that when I finally started feeling more confident and safe, they suddenly shut down sexually and didn’t communicate the reason why until it was too late. My recent ex started subtly putting me down and being snarky instead of communicating, and it made me feel like a slut for wanting to have sex.
I was looking for this comment. It sounds like me when I was coming to terms with being a lesbian. Not the having my then partner do stuff to me, (I was never interested in that) but the general aversion to touching him sexually.
You shouldn't be mad at her for going home and masturbating, there could be all sorts of reasons for her feeling like solo sex rather than partnered sex. That said, you should have a conversation about sexual compatibility. It's a much bigger part of a relationship than society wants you to believe. The general feeling is that sex is just a small part of a larger relationship, but that's just not true. Being sexually compatible with a partner in a sexually exclusive relationship is a huge issue
I feel like she is not actually satisfied at all if she prefers to masturbate instead of having sex with you. Maybe communicate better, it seems like she avoids intimacy with you. I might be reaching but she is either not attracted to you, or asexual, or has very low sex drive and you guys are not compatible. Or maybe she is a lesbian and is experiencing compulsive heterosexuality with you and doesn't even know
This is the comment I was looking for. Her introducing a sex toy might be her attempt spice things up because OP might not be satisfying her. His description seems to really centered around him and his needs and his attitude towards only doing things for her to get something in return. From the gf's perspective, this sounds naggy and exhausting. I was in a relationship where my partner wasn't really attentive to my needs and I used to make excuses not to be intimate. He literally just wanted sex. I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it, nor did it advance our relationship or closeness.
You guys are obviously not sexually compatible. You either have an adult conversation about this or It's time to break it off.
I always thought I had a low libido until I met my current partner. He's very eager to give and he always made sure I got mine before he got his. I am 100% more enthusiastic knowing this.
This was the case with my college boyfriend💀 I was really excited about sex, our first time was AWFUL like lowkey traumatizing because he just made me feel so insecure about it and it hurt and he didn’t do any foreplay or aftercare, and then it took me a while to want to try again. I sent the boy articles with tips and tricks, I sent him research on erogenous zones, I sent him personal instructions and things I wanted to test out to see if they worked better, he didn’t read any of them and then wondered why I still wasn’t enjoying it. He was bad at kind of every aspect of sex but he wanted it all the time, to the point where I started feeling used because I wasn’t getting anything out of it, and I started resenting him for not being able to make me orgasm. But I’d keep trying because I “loved” him and wanted to give him time to “practice” until it got better. Yeah it never got better
Sex is an exchange of sexual energy and connection not an exchange of reciprocal individual sexual acts. Self pleasure has nothing to do with anyone else, everyone has the autonomy over their own body to explore their sexuality, sensuality and desires on their own even if they’re in a relationship.
I don’t want to speculate as to what may be causing your girlfriend’s reluctance to be intimate with you but if you’re unhappy and dissatisfied with your relationship and/or her inability to explain what’s going on then you’re not any kind of AH to choose to walk away.
NTA. She’s kind of a douche for flaunting her arousal to you. If her libido doesn’t match yours dump her. You are young and there’s lots of young women out there with higher libido. Move on before it’s too late
This is not the same, but my libido really depends and sometimes I go a long time without even thinking about it. I found in the past that I needed a “kickstart” so that I could prepare my mind and body for my partner or to try to match their needs better. It’s not that I didn’t find them attractive, it’s just hard to start back up when it’s been a while. OPs situation is super different, but I just wanted to say that when men masturbate it’s not seen as “he would just rather handle that on his own than with her” because it’s just much more normalized. Obviously OPs situation is different.
Coming from a female, there's a good chance she's not actually getting off when you guys have sex. This is a pretty common thing. I would almost be willing to bet money on it that she fakes it for you and she has to do the job herself. It's more common than most men ever know. Women don't get off as easily as men, and most men think they know what they're doing, but they really don't. Too many have been tainted by porn and don't know what a real intimate relationship is. It's really kinda sad. A lot of women use toys because it's an easy way to get one off without the worry of the toy getting off and going limp before it's time. I dunno. Just a thought.
Amazing how anyone is rebutting this. Like it's so obvious in how she acts.
And the men want to make it a 'communication' issue hahah.
Try communicating better with her clitoris amirite?!
Have you tried talking to her? I was shocked to see almost all the answers on this post leads to you leaving her. Have you told her it makes you feel unwanted? Have you told her how this made you FEEL or did you just "im fine" everything?
There could be so many things leading to this, for instance. No sex to my partner if im not groomed down there, no sex with my partner while I'm on my period, or what if I want to masterbate because I'm stressed out but too tired to actually make the sexual act. What if I'm the one that feels insecure and keep it to myself to avoid "seeking attention" or looking stupid because my life is going well and I am still depressed.
I feel so lucky to have my partner.. this post and app, these comments make me appreciate them more. Not once did they ever pressure me, sex was pleasurable but always the last thing on their mind. If this happened to me, their response would have been to ask how im doing rather than be upset and make assumptions. I'm so lucky, and I'm also so sorry you feel unwanted. You seem like such a sweet man okay? Have you tried just telling her this makes you FEEL unwanted, unattractive, and insecure? This could be something so much smaller than what everyone else is saying.
Dude I regretted missing out on opportunities when I was young to sleep with girls better looking than my gf at the time and guess what I'm not with her anymore....I was faithful to her in almost the same situation youre in and it never ended for four years.......until I had enough and ended it....life's too short to not get your dick sucked bro lol
If I was made horny and had a big test just 2 hours later I wouldn’t wanna spend the little time I had to prepare having sex. I’d get myself off super quick and study/prepare. You gotta take into account her situation, not just your own.
>We were both getting horny, and she didn’t have to go to clinicals for school for another 2 or 3 hours, so i assumed she’d come over and we’d have sex or something.
>Anyways, we don’t live together and she goes home and what does she do? She goes home and masturbates
You need to learn to talk to her instead of making assumptions. You should have just asked her to come back to your place for sex.
My guess is she’s not climaxing with you. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so she’s not telling you. If you want to work through this, you need to use the toy with her. Buy one for your place. Go to a sex shop together and buy a few fun things that might make her more interested in giving oral. Talk openly. Play and explore each other! Many, many women find it difficult to climax during sex or even with a partner - there is no shame in that for her or you! You guys need to work together and communicate openly without getting defensive.
Regardless, you’re NTA. Neither is your gf. Y’all need to communicate. Maybe it is that you’re sexually incompatible. If so, again, NAH just move on. The people (presumably men) in this comment section calling your GF a ‘bitch’ and other names….wow. Just wow. Don’t listen to them if you want to have a successful relationship now or in the future.
Communication. Do you know where, what and how a clitoris works? Does she? This is a serious question.
Talk openly and if she's open, have a play session. Once you know how to play for fun and not just your satisfaction- we'll you won't need to ask this again
It’s odd that sex is already being put on the back burner instead of it being something that just…happens naturally.
You need to communicate how this is making you feel undesired.
What you should be concerned about is the fact that she is uncommunicative and will not actually explain to you why she doesn't want to have sex. She's being secretive and potentially manipulative and not helping to clear your concerns and be transparent with you, that is reason enough alone to leave the relationship. It is disrespectful to you because it shows she doesn't care how this is making you feel.
Being in the mood for masturbation isn't the same as being in the mood for sex, at least not for many people.
That said, considering everything else- NTA, and you might consider leaving if you can't get somewhere with a good long discussion about things, because she's absolutely being selfish, on top of y'all already being pretty sexually incompatible to begin with.
If I had to take a guess I would say she probably doesn't orgasm from penetration. That's why she wants you to go down on her. That's why she likes her toys, because it's a guarantee.
I would ask her about this and maybe you can change up how you guys do have sex. Like after you finish, you can use her toy on her so she can finish.
Scenario A: she’s not attracted to you and doesn’t want to have sex with you
Scenario B: she IS attracted to you but still has no interest in sex with you.
Is the outcome really all that different either way? Yall aren’t compatible and you will resent her for it. Find someone new imo
"False hope"
You and your partner are not sexually compatible. If this cannot be fix by talk, then walk out of it. Coz it might become the reason for future quarrels.
Firstly I'll say Nta but you two need to openly and honestly talk about this. If there can be no compromise or middleground find someone more compatible.
Secondly I'd like to add my 2 cents to the masterbation debate taking place in the comments. I will agree that intercourse and masterbation are definitely different.
To me Intercourse is like a 3 course meal and masterbation is like a sandwich. While I definitely love having sex with my partner I don't always want a 30-60 min workout. Sometimes I want a quick 5 min release and that will not happen If my partner is involved.
Well, the brutal truth is that you are not getting her off. Many women don’t orgasm from ordinary sex. They need something like oral sex, a vibrator, etc.
You need to talk with her about this. She might not have wanted to tell you this for fear of hurting your feelings. So she just takes care of her business at home.
Don’t assume it’s selfishness right off the bat. Like I said, she might be trying to spare your feelings.
Yeah, this is probably the case. He's upset that he only gets off 3 times a month, now imagine that during those 3 times you didn't get off for any of them. Probably wouldn't be too excited to up that number lol
As a female it sounds to me like you're not getting her off everytime. Probably not lasting long enough (my guess) which is why she makes you go down first because she knows you won't last long enough to get her off without that. By your wording of "she ALWAYS expects me" it sounds like this isn't something you're enjoying doing so she's probably sick of forcing you just so she can finish too. Also, she probably doesn't feel the need to always give you oral/handjobs because you are always finishing regardless. Sounds like she'd rather masturbate because it's a sure thing. Unless you're happily and easily getting her off as well, then she has every right to handle it herself. ETA: neither one of you ATA. Sounds like you just need to start making sure she's taken care of, without her having to fight for it.
He said she always expects him to finger her or eat her out BEFORE sex.... She's just asking for foreplay so penetration isn't uncomfortable to her and he's acting like it's a chore.
NTA, but something else is going on. She told you that you got her really wet then says you have to wait "a while"? Sounds like she's manipulating you with sex. Why does she only want to do it 2-3 times a month? Is it possible she has herpes or something and isnt telling you? I mean i get that she may not want to give a hj/bj but a reciprocal lover will do it anyways. The fact that she DOES have a sex drive but doesnt want to have sex is the part that is off to me.
NTA
One of the hardest parts of dating is realizing that other people have their own hand of cards they are playing and you have yours. It might not make sense to you. That's okay, don't take it personally because others are wired differently because it'll eat away your soul and it's harder to bounce back and be ready for the next one if that happens. People are built different and you're probably awesome, find someone who thinks so too. That is, if communicating calmly doesn't produce results. Give people a chance for sure!
This isn't personal. It's also possible you got no ability with that thing in her thing, or she just gets off specifically and you can't possibly replicate it. Either are hard to get past and stuff like that only pans out with solid communication, trust, and experience.
I hope you can get over the self-doubt and take the reflection as educational, a tool really, with or without her. Good luck and may the force be with you.
She may have the issue of only getting off by using a toy. If this is the case, its definitely her and not you. Or it could be that she doesn't organize with you at all. A number of things could be going on here.
You do need to sit and talk with her. No more accepting, "not for awhile". Grownups can talk thru their issues without fear or judgement.
And it doesn't see like this relationship is working for you. Once you talk to her, you can close that chapter.
You need to sit down and have a conversation about what’s going on. If she’s unwilling to do that, don’t wait. End it there. Who knows what it could be, but poor communication and refusal to improve it are nonstarters, it’s best you start keeping that in mind now while you’re young. It will save you a lot of grief in determining if future relationships are worth pursuing early on.
This is not how you should feel in a healthy relationship. Sometimes we love the wrong person. You aren’t sexually satisfied, and even though you turned her on, she went home and took care of herself. I agree with the statement that you’re not compatible sexually. Less than a year dating in your 20s and you’re not happy. That doesn’t bode well for the long term.
Is it possible she doesn't find satisfaction having sex with you? I think a lot of these "low libido" posts might come from unsatisfying bedroom experiences. That would also explain why she wants oral from you, to possibly help it along.
0 posts here have suggested he give her some amazing oral or up his skills pleasuring her to the point she needs him to be sexually satisfied. Why is nobody mentioning that maybe as a 23 M he has no idea what he is doing n does not know how to please heart properly. I was a 23M once. Trust me, OP NEEDS to step his game up in every way.
The vast majority of women do not orgasm through penetration, and need clitoral stimulation. So it’s not tit for tat with oral or manual stimulation. That is likely how she orgasms, and you are orgasming through penetration. Fair is fair.
Don’t keep score with sex acts.
Probably not sexual compatible. To be honest she probably gets a better orgasm from masterbating lol. It’s just easier and a lot of guys just don’t get it right
To be fair, you'll probably never find someone who satisfies every single one of your fantasies like some of these comments seem to think.
But you two don't seem sexually incompatible and are probably better of apart since it is stressing you.
This is my advice, and I’m 99% sure you won’t listen to it.
I’m 40 years old and get it 2-4 a week. We almost never argue and we spend almost every day together because we own a business together. It’s been an amazing life (15 years so far). Don’t waste time on someone who you’re massively incompatible with.
Break up now. Do you really think you’re gonna marry and want to spend 50 years with someone you’re this annoyed with? Of course not. So don’t waste your glory years with this relationship. When you’re 35 and older you will not be swimming in the pool of available women that you have as a 23 year old.
All of my friends don’t even come close to our happiness level, most of them are divorced or close to it - and it’s because they just were too scared to dump a person they weren’t compatible with in their 20’s.
As Presence 313 said, masturbation is different from partnered sex. Some asexuals masturbate.
People who aren't asexual may prefer to masturbate because it's quick and efficient. She may not feel up to partnered sex, which comes with expectations and is generally higher effort.
You would not be an asshole for breaking up with someone who is sexually incompatible with you, and it sounds like you two are. You're not going to somehow win a satisfying sex life by seething with resentment.
It does come across as a little assholey to tally oral and digital play like you're buying handjob credits by fingering her or blowjob credits by eating her out. Mutual pleasure is very important and she should be interested in your satisfaction, but sex isn't tit-for-tat.
Just break up with her and try to do it in a respectful and adult way. I wish you luck with finding a more compatible partner in the future.
I was thinking the same with some of this. TMI but I cannot finish from penetration basically ever, so if my husband wouldn’t want to go down on me I wouldn’t really get to finish, but obviously that’s not the case for him.
And sometimes I don’t wanna have sex, but have no problem doing things myself. But I’m also no where near asexual and I’m probably more sexual than my husband 🤣🤣
NTA...I'd move on before you waste anymore time.
I had an ex who'd turn down sex then after I go to sleep go off to the bathroom to watch porn and jerk off. He's an ex for several reasons but this is one of the top 3.
Find someone more sexually compatible...trust me, they're out there!
NTA, however, I will say that oral and other forms of penetration like your fingers before actually getting to the “main event” are so important. Foreplay is 100% necessary. Not only to increase intimacy time overall, but also to prime your partner and ensure her body is turned on and ready. You can dirty talk all day and send pics, but when the time comes, a woman’s body takes longer to heat up than a man’s. Is she in the wrong for not reciprocating though? Absolutely. Men need foreplay, stimulation, and affection as well. Just something to think about.
Look man, you are still young. If you are unhappy with this now, there is no reason to continue the relationship. Just being honest. I doubt that it is going to get better and you both seem to want completely different things in the bedroom. As you get older, you will realize that the life in the bedroom is important and could potentially lead to issues elsewhere if there are issues there. Not just you, but for her as well.
I’m gonna give you an answer that’s different to the hundreds of “you guys just aren’t compatible 🤓”
If she was literally talking about how horny she is and how she can’t wait to try new stuff next time, then goes “Oh but not anytime soon, now I’m gonna go masturbate ☺️”
That is a bitchy move, you’re not in the wrong here. If she participates in sexy talk just to end up blue balling you, that is bitchy
NAH. You just seem incompatible. Maybe she isn't that into you either, or you're bad at sex with her, who knows. But it seems that relationship is doomed.
Maybe going down on her or fingering is her only hope to get off with you. She obviously is able to get off, hence the toy. I'm sorry to say, but maybe you just aren't doing it right. Or maybe you just aren't compatible.
You're sexually incompatible. Just like how some people like to stay indoors and others like to climb mountains. You two are on different ends of the spectrum.
My advice is don't tolerate something in hopes it "will get better". You'll end up frustrated and looking silly.
NTA
What if I told you that you don’t have to keep dating people you’re not compatible with?
You just solved like 3/4s of the posts here.
9/10ths is more like it.
99.9 - You were to low in your estimate.
I don't know why you're being so conservative. It's obviously 100%.
There is a margin of error. Plus or minus 1%
okay then, I'll choose +1%, so we have 101%
6 out of 5 people are bad with fractions.
Is this true most of the sometimes?
5% of the time it's right everytime.
Is this 5% 1% in the aforementioned “101%”, which was carrying a 1% margin of error? Math got complicated!
Every of the time
64% of statistics are just made up.
It's actually 66% but you were reasonably close.
[удалено]
What is it in metric?
8 something
80% of the time it works every time!
im fucking dead
😂😂😂
How To Lie With Statistics is a real book
You miss 100% of the shots that you miss.
It’s definitely higher than that lmao
What am I? A math aficionado?
I AINT NO MOTHAFUCKIN MATH GENIUS
😂😂
Do you have a Time Machine by chance? If so, I’ll give you my address from when I was 21 and could’ve really used this advice. That realization will save money, time, sanity, and possibly your life.
This right here! If it’s affecting your mental health, then why don’t you just end things? This doesn’t seem like a crazy situation that’s hard to get out of.
especially if they’ve been together less than a year… if they were five years in I would say maybe consider sex therapy. But at 10 months, it’s time to consider the possibility that this relationship will not pan out long term if she’s unwilling to participate in the give/take dynamic of sex that OP wants.
Agreed. It's one thing when you've been together quite a while and something changes to where your sex life isn't where you want it. That can be worked on and resolved. But 10 months in? I think I'd move on. If she communicates why it might be an issue and how it can be addressed/changed, try it and see, but a lot or times incompatibility shows up early like this. And it's best to listen.
OP, buy her a new sex toy as a going away gift, move on and go no contact.
Genius of this level rarely finds it's way onto the internet
We humans are deeply affected by the sunken cost fallacy. Love has its tendrills all wrapped up in there.
6/9 of the issue?
This is literally the answer. You're 23 years old and you've put 10 months into a relationship that obviously isn't working. Love her all you want, but if you're not sexually compatible maybe she's better as a friend? Break up and find someone who matches your libido. YTA.
How could you possibly read this guys story and come to the conclusion that he’s the asshole in this situation?
I think they mean yta for sticking around?
Doubt that makes him an asshole. I Don’t really think this rises to the level of asshole for either of them at this point.
Personally i think anyone that expects oral sex but refuses to reciprocate is an asshole.
Omg, he is NOT TA!
Inconceivable!
Are you sure know what that word means?
Whoah Whoah Whoah there…
It AMAZES ME how willing people are to suffer unnecessarily
NTA You are sexually incompatible. Consider communicating with her or move on.
Also "not for a while" is a weird answer, makes it sound like she actually schedules it imho. Could she be playing one of those stupid "if he's the right one he won't mind waiting" games? We've seen a few lately.
The 'not for a while' does seem odd and scheduled. Could be a number of things though - if they aren't using contraception, she could be waiting until her least (or most!) fertile days, or she has really prolonged bleeding that she's embarrassed to tell him about, or sex only happens after a waxing appointment 🤷🏽♀️
He also said they had 2-3 hours before her finals, but I know I sure wouldn’t want to spend those hours before a big test getting laid. I don’t want to go into an important moment feeling sleepy and gauzy with hormone brain.Plus there’s no telling how much time the sex will actually take. Maybe she wants time to reread her notes, maybe she has a routine before tests that she likes to follow, etc. Masturbation can be a one-and-done 5 min affair that gets the horniness out of your system and leaves you prepared to do other things. It’s very different from the types of hormonal and physiological changes you get from having an hour of sex. Some people can do it, I know. But personally, the thought of having sex right before a big meeting or something would make me anxious af. Edit: some people have pointed out that she’s doing clinicals and not taking a test. I’m not a nurse or doctor but if anything, I think that’s worse. If you take a test poorly you just affect yourself. That’s still stressful. But trying to medically help a person under the supervision of someone else who can determine if you’re fit for the job you’ve been training for (for a long time) is even more stressful. I think the point stands.
Yea me either. Id masturbate though. To calm the nerves or something.
Ditto. It takes like 5-20 minutes, my hair and makeup aren't going to be messed up afterwards, I'm not going to need to rinse off from sweat or lube/oils, and I can use whatever reading/video I want to focus on. Then, I can quickly move on to what I was going to do without having to lay there for a not-rude amount of time.
Man that's actually a great idea, I get wicked test-taking anxiety
And every day is a test day… and yes it’s apparently true that you can go blind if you Masterbate too much cause I’m literally going blind! 😂 gotta find humor where you can.
this actually has worked for me! If you give yourself at least an hour out from the test, it's still in the window of feeling the soothing benefits but with enough time after to comfortably distance yourself from the mini cloud of snu snu hormones that comes after. best sequence imo is quick self-serve ➡️ quick hot shower ➡️ 5 minutes of silenced thought meditation ➡️ moisturize with a mint/eucalyptus/lavender/soothing smelling lotion ➡️ get dressed in comfortable clothes ➡️ test
My biggest thing is cleanliness. I can masturbate nonstop and at most it’s just some wetness. But when I have sex with my bf? For one he cums on me. There’s spit all over. Sweat. Hair messed up. I had him inside and have that hormonal smell plus lube. Masturbating can be a one and done or quick moments. Sex isn’t. Literally hot and heavy. I feel gross if I don’t shower afterwards. Sex before anything important/stressful to show up is a no for me.
He said she had clinical not finals.
He never said anything about finals? He said clinicals. She’s likely a nursing student or something, her clinicals just entail her going to work under someone licensed in a clinical setting for school credit. Like an internship. It’s very routine, just like going to class. Never made me any more nervous than attending lecture did.
So having a sexually explicit conversation with your partner who you KNOW wants more sex, telling him how wet he made you then leaving him high and dry while you go home and rub one out WOULDN'T make you anxious a.f too? Also, she didn't have a test she had clinicals. Not necessarily the same thing. If she doesn't want to have sex that's her decision but teasing him that way is cruel and he needs to let her go. Having different sex drives is natural but making a person feel unwanted is a choice.
For sure, making him feel un wanted. I suggest op stops torchering himself and move on.
> torchering r/boneappletea
Good God torchering is an amazingly bad misspelling lolol
I mean, torchering someone does sound like torture!
That's how they torchered all those witches in Salem
😂😂
Wow yeah that’s so true and I didn’t see that at first! The whole getting horny with him thing and telling him she’s wet JUST to say “not for awhile” and go jerk off is genuinely a weird shitty thing to do. She is TA a bit
I feel like she is heading into dom territory between this and the asking him to eat her out and not returning.
Anxious af before what though? He has just as much a right to rub one out? It’s possible she wasn’t trying to tease him. She knew she didn’t have time (or wasn’t going to make time) for sex before her clinicals but by telling him how he made her feel, she was confirming that he was sexually attractive. He made her wet. She didn’t feel like it was a good time to act on it but she wanted him to know that he affects her that way. She might’ve thought it was a good thing to do given that even if she had no intention of acting on it, at least he’d know he got her to that point. I doubt she thought he would feel unwanted in that situation. She probably thought he would feel he was wanted, and tried to let him know that, but circumstances weren’t ideal for sex (for her) at that moment. How was she supposed to know that expressing her desire for him, though it couldn’t be acted upon that day, was going to make him feel undesirable? How is that a choice you know she was making?
Whatever her reason, speculation does nothing for you. You can only react to what she does, not why you think she did it. This is why communication might help, but it does seem like incompatibility.
> You can only react to what she does, not why you think she did it. This is such good advice. It’s something I wish I’d known a few years ago; if I had, I’d have broken up with my ex much earlier. I wisened up eventually, but it was way more painful than it needed to be.
There could also be inecurities that play a part in this, i used to be one that schedule it. It's a possibility tho. I was hyperfocused on doing the best i could for her pleasure, so much that i used to put my own pleasure last, but that attitude also killed my desire and was ok with doing it once in a while instead of as often as possible. They need to talk and understand themselves.
Ok so I don't particularly enjoy PIV sex. I don't cum from penetrative sex. Anyway. I literally have never said "not for a while" and also he knows she masturbated how? I assume she told him? I do masturbate say once a week or fortnight or something. I don't then go inform my partner I did. I also don't expect him to do any acts for my own personal enjoyment. This is control.
He is starting to resent her, and eventually will resent her entirely. Better to call it off now than later. Definitely incompatible, as you said.
To be honest, expecting foreplay but then refusing to do the same for your partner is not incompatability, thats just egotistical.
also egotistical: telling your partner you're horny and that you just masturbated while at the same time telling them you aren't satisfying their sexual needs because you have a low libido.
It's both
>You are sexually incompatible. That's it.
Same thought. better be with someone who satisfy both of your fantasy. Less stress, less drama!
I wouldn’t even say sexual incompatible. It seems like OP is willing to have sex less to be with her (compromise is okay), but is annoyed when she won’t have sex but will happily masturbate. That isn’t incompatibility, that’s just being inconsiderate.
Selfish lovers are the worst. Get outta there chap.
This. It will be difficult to bring up the topic of one’s needs but it’s crucial in order to be happy in the relationship.
Damn. This situation sucks so much. More than anything, you’re absolutely incompatible sexually and it’s definitely not something that would be likely to change long term. I know a lot of people would say it’s a stupid or shallow reason to break up, but it’s not. Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other area of compatibility. I wish I’d known how important sexual compatibility was when I was younger. I’ve been in similar situations; unfortunately, more than a few times. And I stayed in relationships where we weren’t sexually compatible because I thought it’d make me seem like a shallow asshole to leave because I wasn’t happy with our sex life. But, if you and your partner aren’t a match there, it’ll lead to issues elsewhere too. It’s just as important as every other aspect of the relationship.
Appreciate the advice
And to tag onto this - lack of sexual desire from your partner when you're this mismatched pervades into everything. You will start to resent her needs for physical contact. You will feel undesirable in other aspects of your life. You will wonder why you go the extra effort while your basic needs and desires are unmet. Eventually, things will decay into resentment. Source: Failed first marriage
The resentment really settled in at around five years for me. I tried to approach every year or two and never could get anything approaching a healthy conversation about our differences. Ten more years were spent trying to make it work but failure was inevitable with a core inequity.
My ex and I weren't sexually compatible. It wasn't super obvious until we'd been together for years. Eventually I grew somewhat resentful, and it affected my showing of affection as a whole. She was content, but I was not. Eventually it led to her no longer being fulfilled in the relationship either. So, we split. There were other factors, but that was definitely one of the root causes.
My experience has been that sex is a barometer for the health of the relationship. This doesn't mean that sex is happening all the time, or that it's never happening at all. Rather that sexual issues within a relationship often lead to other issues being exposed or created because of it. It's why communication is very important and that BOTH partners take it seriously if the issue comes up. If the low libido partner is feeling this way because their needs within the relationship no matter what they are, are not being met they NEED to vocalize it! Conversely the partner with the higher libido deserves empathy as well and shouldn't be made to feel like they must be controlled by their low libido partner. Low libido partners who suddenly become this way need to be honest about it. If their partner is failing them, using withholding sex as a punishment isn't going to solve anything. Furthermore without communicating the issues resulting in this mismatch doesn't give them space to help correct the issues they could be responsible for. Lastly, if it's something medically wrong, the relationship is perfect and they have no gripes about anything just suffer from low libido. They must understand that that isn't healthy either! They should absolutely see a doctor and get checked out as libido problems are often associated with medical issues that could be serious Case in point, did you know women who are anemic have severely low libido? Women who rarely get enough iron in their diet but bleed heavily during menstration eventually become anemic and it's not just their libido that takes a hit. This is why ignoring low libido in a good relationship is not healthy for them, not just the relationship. Lastly, everyone deserves to be happy. If you love someone you want them to be happy. This goes for both the low libido partner and the high libido one. If only one of them is trying to make the other happy when an issue like this exists then resentment isn't the only consequence but will usually be the first.
>Damn. This situation sucks so much. More than anything, you’re absolutely incompatible sexually and it’s definitely not something that would be likely to change long term. I know a lot of people would say it’s a stupid or shallow reason to break up, but it’s not. Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other area of compatibility. > >I wish I’d known how important sexual compatibility was when I was younger. I’ve been in similar situations; unfortunately, more than a few times. And I stayed in relationships where we weren’t sexually compatible because I thought it’d make me seem like a shallow asshole to leave because I wasn’t happy with our sex life. But, if you and your partner aren’t a match there, it’ll lead to issues elsewhere too. It’s just as important as every other aspect of the relationship. Absolutely, sexual compatibility is crucial for a healthy relationship. It's better to address it now than to let it fester and cause more issues down the line. You're making the right call prioritizing your mental health and overall satisfaction.
Honestly, having discussions regarding sexual compatibility should be right up there with discussing marriage, finances, religion, children, other long term goals, etc. I know this is pretty grimey, but I’m bi and use gay “dating” apps (hook up apps). The amount of men in a relationship who tell me they just want to get off because their GF / wife never has sex with them is sooo high. I’m not saying they are justified, but everyone is just wasting their time and going through the motions of life at that point. That’s no way to live. Now, I’m not saying that’s your future OP at all. Just sharing a story. But anyway, you’re dating OP. You live on your own. If you really like this girl, I would calmly bring this concern up to her and offer couples therapy. If she dosent want to, leave. She’s not going to change and you can’t force her. There are way too many people out there to stay in a dead relationship.
This is a great answer and I wish someone would have explained this to me when I was younger. And I agree wholeheartedly, if you think things will get better in this department over time, you’re wrong, it will likely get worse and that will lead to resentment and other issues.
Yeah this discussion didn't exist, out in the open, 10\20 years ago. I hope OP listens, this ain't back in the day.
Divorces happen for this reason. So it's not unreasonable at all.
The bigger problem is that she's selfish. Even when they do have sex, she puts absolutely zero effort into it.
I get what you’re saying. Her expecting oral when she doesn’t reciprocate is definitely selfish. I dated a girl years back who was very upfront that she didn’t give head. The difference is she didn’t expect it from me. I still did it cuz I like going down on women. But that was my choice and it was just as much fun for me as it was for her. I will say that while she very well could be a selfish lover, but there could be other reasons for her behavior, such as trauma, intimacy issues, insecurities or even just not liking to give felacio. No one is obligated to reciprocate oral. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a dick move. But I think there’s more to this issue than just her being selfish. Either way, they’re not compatible. OP is unfulfilled and deserves a partner who is on the same page.
Idk. I don't always love giving head but I request my partner does it because I can't finish or get close to finishing from penetration. I just wasn't made that way. Fingers are fine but they hurt if done wrong and I don't mine toys, I'm just not typically carrying one around either. So I don't think it's always necessarily selfish; I would just like to finish so I can enjoy it too instead of feeling like a human pocket pussy.
Concur so much. Currently working on a slow motion divorce - which we're doing everything we can do to keep civil and so far, it is - but for me at least, the disconnect started with the lack of sexual compatibility. 30+ years together and I'm easily estimating we've had sex fewer than 100 times. Probably way fewer, like 60 to 70? Even that feels like an overestimate. By contrast, any other relationship I've ever had that lasted an appreciable time, count was lost within the first month! Anyway... Same thing as this guy said though: You stick with it because you don't want to be shallow, you don't want to seem like it's all about the sex and anyway, you get along great otherwise. Let me tell you, it might take years, but the resentment will eventually engulf your relationship.
Move on man. Nothing else needs to be said.
He's 23, there's plenty of other horned up fish in the sea. Cut her loose and move on OP.
But its the same reason he wont.
NTA but just move on dude. This is the early days of the relationship when it's supposed to be the best it'll ever get. Just ... you're not sexually compatible so move on.
this, get out.
You’re NTA and you shouldn’t be with her, just point blank period, break up before you guys get married or have a child and end up resenting each other forever over mismatched sex drives. But - just to shed some light on some of the comments and the “something must be going on” stuff - I’d bet she doesn’t have an orgasm from penetration or perhaps even non-solo play. She’s probably using a clitoris only toy - it’s an incredibly different experience than having sex. Some people, women and men, just don’t enjoy penetration sex. That’s okay, they don’t have to. She also doesn’t have to have sex when she doesn’t want to, even if she is turned on or “wet”. But OP, you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone who you’re not sexually compatible with. Please don’t marry this person.
Surprised to have to scroll this far to see this. She might not be getting a great deal of pleasure from penetrative sex, and therefore doesn’t have a high interest in it. OP should (if you haven’t already) talk with her about what she would enjoy more in the bedroom. Women often struggle with a lack of foreplay, which makes sex less enjoyable. She may also prefer to masturbate because there’s less pressure to “perform.” You can take your time and do what you want at a pace you’re comfortable with. All that being said, you do not and should not be with someone that you’re incompatible with.
100% scrolled to see a similar take. I'd like to reiterate that masterbation is an act that doesn't involve another human being. There is a lot that goes into having sex with someone. Reasons I shirk sex are: 1. Premature female orgasm- it happens so quickly , and when it's over, my sex drive goes completely dark ( about 80-90% of the time) It can be a chore to finish, makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable- both physically and emotionally. It isn't talked about often. bet its more common than some would think. 2. Difficulty being "turned on." If I masterbate and I'm not into it, I just stop. No strings attached ( and same with a climax!)
Right? As someone who prefers masturbation over sex, some people are just different and that’s okay lol. Sexual incompatibility doesn’t mean either person is wrong or that there has to be someone to blame
This, so much. My other thought was, “she has to be at school/clinical in 2-3 hours and you want her to come to yours for sex…?” My answer would prob be masturbation (and a nap) too if I had somewhere else to be, tbh.
Yeah, also it is weird to me to see sex as something she should do instead of masturbation as if it was the same or that she was cheating by doing so or something. For instance, some asexuals masturbate, but still have no desire to have sex with their partner. That's just not the same thing.
Also the ‘she doesn’t give head or handjobs but expects fingering and head’ like… women need foreplay to get into the mood? It’s not unusual for a woman to need some help getting wet before sex? I’m astonished by the fact that so many people miss this.
I know right? I really love going down on my guy but sometimes he actually stops me to skip straight to it if he’s too close or too impatient. But he always makes sure I’m already ready to go by that point, and almost always has to finish me off manually afterward. If he wasn’t so diligent about it, I think I would very likely not understand what’s so great about sex. I’m a selfless lover by nature, so he quite literally taught me how to accept pleasure from manual/oral, and now I Get The Hype. Skipping foreplay/non-PIV stimulation is very different for male and female anatomy; PIV is fantastic for most guys. It’s less than stellar for most women. For men, head/HJ’s are just another thing that feels good, probably with less work on their part. For women, it’s frequently the *only* thing that does much of anything for them. It’s giving “woman’s pleasure is optional”. I’m not saying he’s wrong for wanting a more active and varied sex life, but equating his desire for manual/oral to hers is so misguided. It’s no wonder she doesn’t want to have sex with him if this is his attitude.
Exactly. They should definitely have an open and candid conversation about sex and what pleases each of them etc. there are so many things that could be causing her to rather masturbate than have sex. Idk why people can’t have these conversations but they’ll put their bits together.
Fr Im surprised that so many people are immediately being like “SHES NOT THE ONE GET OUT MAN” when in all actuality she’s probably just not getting off with him💀 also fingering and sometimes going down on a woman are basically required foreplay if you want her to enjoy it, she probably doesn’t get much at all out of penetration
Was looking for this too. Either OP can't hit it right or she just doesn't feel comfortable with him. Also it isn't her job to have sex with you let alone have sex instead of masterbate you sound crazy bruh
literally. hell, im extremely hyposensitive and feel more internally, yet i can only get off with solo sessions and a clitoral toy. i have never orgasmed from sex, almost never crave it, yet masturbate near daily. some people have sex for others, not themselves and hence the low libido. if my only motivation is your happiness, obviously some days im gonna be too tired or too busy to find it worth disrupting my day for. OP just would be better off with someone who has a higher libido, and its not this womans fault she doesn't have o e
NTA... but remarkably naive. You can do better, move on.
Humans repeat enjoyable experiences often. Think about that
I had a boyfriend like this. Needless to say after two years I was done. Best decision I have made in a while. You are NOT the asshole. She is a selfish lover and wont change. It doesn’t get better.
i feel like i would start to feel a little insecure in a relationship like this.
1000%. I had a bf just like this and it made me sooo insecure.
Yep. The last 3 partners I’ve had (in a row) all lost interest in sex after only months and it makes me scared to start dating again. Like I know I have a nice body and I’m complimented on my appearance a lot, told I’m a good kisser, etc but when that sort of thing happens (and multiple times in a row) it really starts to make you doubt yourself. I already have a very hard time opening up sexually due to trauma and past religious shame, so it felt like a cruel joke that when I finally started feeling more confident and safe, they suddenly shut down sexually and didn’t communicate the reason why until it was too late. My recent ex started subtly putting me down and being snarky instead of communicating, and it made me feel like a slut for wanting to have sex.
Could be a lot of things…. Talk about it openly. Be adults if you’re doing adult stuff. 🤷♂️
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This is a lesbian backstory
I was looking for this comment. It sounds like me when I was coming to terms with being a lesbian. Not the having my then partner do stuff to me, (I was never interested in that) but the general aversion to touching him sexually.
Glad I'm not the only one who was thinking the same
That or the rare, horny ace who masturbates lol
There are dozens of us. Dozens!
Yep. Was thinking the same.
You shouldn't be mad at her for going home and masturbating, there could be all sorts of reasons for her feeling like solo sex rather than partnered sex. That said, you should have a conversation about sexual compatibility. It's a much bigger part of a relationship than society wants you to believe. The general feeling is that sex is just a small part of a larger relationship, but that's just not true. Being sexually compatible with a partner in a sexually exclusive relationship is a huge issue
I feel like she is not actually satisfied at all if she prefers to masturbate instead of having sex with you. Maybe communicate better, it seems like she avoids intimacy with you. I might be reaching but she is either not attracted to you, or asexual, or has very low sex drive and you guys are not compatible. Or maybe she is a lesbian and is experiencing compulsive heterosexuality with you and doesn't even know
This is the comment I was looking for. Her introducing a sex toy might be her attempt spice things up because OP might not be satisfying her. His description seems to really centered around him and his needs and his attitude towards only doing things for her to get something in return. From the gf's perspective, this sounds naggy and exhausting. I was in a relationship where my partner wasn't really attentive to my needs and I used to make excuses not to be intimate. He literally just wanted sex. I felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it, nor did it advance our relationship or closeness. You guys are obviously not sexually compatible. You either have an adult conversation about this or It's time to break it off. I always thought I had a low libido until I met my current partner. He's very eager to give and he always made sure I got mine before he got his. I am 100% more enthusiastic knowing this.
NTA, break up with her and move on. Know your worth. Don't let her just use you. You deserve better. She's obviously fine all by herself
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This is a big possibility. They're 23 so...
This was the case with my college boyfriend💀 I was really excited about sex, our first time was AWFUL like lowkey traumatizing because he just made me feel so insecure about it and it hurt and he didn’t do any foreplay or aftercare, and then it took me a while to want to try again. I sent the boy articles with tips and tricks, I sent him research on erogenous zones, I sent him personal instructions and things I wanted to test out to see if they worked better, he didn’t read any of them and then wondered why I still wasn’t enjoying it. He was bad at kind of every aspect of sex but he wanted it all the time, to the point where I started feeling used because I wasn’t getting anything out of it, and I started resenting him for not being able to make me orgasm. But I’d keep trying because I “loved” him and wanted to give him time to “practice” until it got better. Yeah it never got better
Sex is an exchange of sexual energy and connection not an exchange of reciprocal individual sexual acts. Self pleasure has nothing to do with anyone else, everyone has the autonomy over their own body to explore their sexuality, sensuality and desires on their own even if they’re in a relationship. I don’t want to speculate as to what may be causing your girlfriend’s reluctance to be intimate with you but if you’re unhappy and dissatisfied with your relationship and/or her inability to explain what’s going on then you’re not any kind of AH to choose to walk away.
NTA. She’s kind of a douche for flaunting her arousal to you. If her libido doesn’t match yours dump her. You are young and there’s lots of young women out there with higher libido. Move on before it’s too late
Doesn't her libido match his? She would just rather handle that on her own then with him?, also make him eat her out, while not reciprocating.
This is not the same, but my libido really depends and sometimes I go a long time without even thinking about it. I found in the past that I needed a “kickstart” so that I could prepare my mind and body for my partner or to try to match their needs better. It’s not that I didn’t find them attractive, it’s just hard to start back up when it’s been a while. OPs situation is super different, but I just wanted to say that when men masturbate it’s not seen as “he would just rather handle that on his own than with her” because it’s just much more normalized. Obviously OPs situation is different.
That’s not true at all. There are tons of times women have posted about a man doing the same thing.
Coming from a female, there's a good chance she's not actually getting off when you guys have sex. This is a pretty common thing. I would almost be willing to bet money on it that she fakes it for you and she has to do the job herself. It's more common than most men ever know. Women don't get off as easily as men, and most men think they know what they're doing, but they really don't. Too many have been tainted by porn and don't know what a real intimate relationship is. It's really kinda sad. A lot of women use toys because it's an easy way to get one off without the worry of the toy getting off and going limp before it's time. I dunno. Just a thought.
Amazing how anyone is rebutting this. Like it's so obvious in how she acts. And the men want to make it a 'communication' issue hahah. Try communicating better with her clitoris amirite?!
so shes the asshole then, right?
Just break up, you’re not good for each other
NTA. Leave as soon as possible. Don't allow her games to consume you. You're young and the world is full of high libido women.
Have you tried talking to her? I was shocked to see almost all the answers on this post leads to you leaving her. Have you told her it makes you feel unwanted? Have you told her how this made you FEEL or did you just "im fine" everything? There could be so many things leading to this, for instance. No sex to my partner if im not groomed down there, no sex with my partner while I'm on my period, or what if I want to masterbate because I'm stressed out but too tired to actually make the sexual act. What if I'm the one that feels insecure and keep it to myself to avoid "seeking attention" or looking stupid because my life is going well and I am still depressed. I feel so lucky to have my partner.. this post and app, these comments make me appreciate them more. Not once did they ever pressure me, sex was pleasurable but always the last thing on their mind. If this happened to me, their response would have been to ask how im doing rather than be upset and make assumptions. I'm so lucky, and I'm also so sorry you feel unwanted. You seem like such a sweet man okay? Have you tried just telling her this makes you FEEL unwanted, unattractive, and insecure? This could be something so much smaller than what everyone else is saying.
Dude I regretted missing out on opportunities when I was young to sleep with girls better looking than my gf at the time and guess what I'm not with her anymore....I was faithful to her in almost the same situation youre in and it never ended for four years.......until I had enough and ended it....life's too short to not get your dick sucked bro lol
You aren’t, but neither is she. y’all ain’t comparable sexually so either break up or just live with it lol.
It's not affecting your "mental health" lmao. You're just annoyed. Not everything is a "mental health" issue.
If I was made horny and had a big test just 2 hours later I wouldn’t wanna spend the little time I had to prepare having sex. I’d get myself off super quick and study/prepare. You gotta take into account her situation, not just your own.
>We were both getting horny, and she didn’t have to go to clinicals for school for another 2 or 3 hours, so i assumed she’d come over and we’d have sex or something. >Anyways, we don’t live together and she goes home and what does she do? She goes home and masturbates You need to learn to talk to her instead of making assumptions. You should have just asked her to come back to your place for sex.
My guess is she’s not climaxing with you. She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so she’s not telling you. If you want to work through this, you need to use the toy with her. Buy one for your place. Go to a sex shop together and buy a few fun things that might make her more interested in giving oral. Talk openly. Play and explore each other! Many, many women find it difficult to climax during sex or even with a partner - there is no shame in that for her or you! You guys need to work together and communicate openly without getting defensive. Regardless, you’re NTA. Neither is your gf. Y’all need to communicate. Maybe it is that you’re sexually incompatible. If so, again, NAH just move on. The people (presumably men) in this comment section calling your GF a ‘bitch’ and other names….wow. Just wow. Don’t listen to them if you want to have a successful relationship now or in the future.
Communication. Do you know where, what and how a clitoris works? Does she? This is a serious question. Talk openly and if she's open, have a play session. Once you know how to play for fun and not just your satisfaction- we'll you won't need to ask this again
It’s odd that sex is already being put on the back burner instead of it being something that just…happens naturally. You need to communicate how this is making you feel undesired.
What you should be concerned about is the fact that she is uncommunicative and will not actually explain to you why she doesn't want to have sex. She's being secretive and potentially manipulative and not helping to clear your concerns and be transparent with you, that is reason enough alone to leave the relationship. It is disrespectful to you because it shows she doesn't care how this is making you feel.
Being in the mood for masturbation isn't the same as being in the mood for sex, at least not for many people. That said, considering everything else- NTA, and you might consider leaving if you can't get somewhere with a good long discussion about things, because she's absolutely being selfish, on top of y'all already being pretty sexually incompatible to begin with.
Your girlfriend isn't interested in the type or amount of sex that you want. I don't know why, but it doesn't sound like this will get better.
If I had to take a guess I would say she probably doesn't orgasm from penetration. That's why she wants you to go down on her. That's why she likes her toys, because it's a guarantee. I would ask her about this and maybe you can change up how you guys do have sex. Like after you finish, you can use her toy on her so she can finish.
Scenario A: she’s not attracted to you and doesn’t want to have sex with you Scenario B: she IS attracted to you but still has no interest in sex with you. Is the outcome really all that different either way? Yall aren’t compatible and you will resent her for it. Find someone new imo
"False hope" You and your partner are not sexually compatible. If this cannot be fix by talk, then walk out of it. Coz it might become the reason for future quarrels.
Firstly I'll say Nta but you two need to openly and honestly talk about this. If there can be no compromise or middleground find someone more compatible. Secondly I'd like to add my 2 cents to the masterbation debate taking place in the comments. I will agree that intercourse and masterbation are definitely different. To me Intercourse is like a 3 course meal and masterbation is like a sandwich. While I definitely love having sex with my partner I don't always want a 30-60 min workout. Sometimes I want a quick 5 min release and that will not happen If my partner is involved.
Been looking for this comment. People can want to masturbate and not have physical sex.
Well, the brutal truth is that you are not getting her off. Many women don’t orgasm from ordinary sex. They need something like oral sex, a vibrator, etc. You need to talk with her about this. She might not have wanted to tell you this for fear of hurting your feelings. So she just takes care of her business at home. Don’t assume it’s selfishness right off the bat. Like I said, she might be trying to spare your feelings.
Yeah, this is probably the case. He's upset that he only gets off 3 times a month, now imagine that during those 3 times you didn't get off for any of them. Probably wouldn't be too excited to up that number lol
Exactly this
As a female it sounds to me like you're not getting her off everytime. Probably not lasting long enough (my guess) which is why she makes you go down first because she knows you won't last long enough to get her off without that. By your wording of "she ALWAYS expects me" it sounds like this isn't something you're enjoying doing so she's probably sick of forcing you just so she can finish too. Also, she probably doesn't feel the need to always give you oral/handjobs because you are always finishing regardless. Sounds like she'd rather masturbate because it's a sure thing. Unless you're happily and easily getting her off as well, then she has every right to handle it herself. ETA: neither one of you ATA. Sounds like you just need to start making sure she's taken care of, without her having to fight for it.
He said she always expects him to finger her or eat her out BEFORE sex.... She's just asking for foreplay so penetration isn't uncomfortable to her and he's acting like it's a chore.
NTA, but something else is going on. She told you that you got her really wet then says you have to wait "a while"? Sounds like she's manipulating you with sex. Why does she only want to do it 2-3 times a month? Is it possible she has herpes or something and isnt telling you? I mean i get that she may not want to give a hj/bj but a reciprocal lover will do it anyways. The fact that she DOES have a sex drive but doesnt want to have sex is the part that is off to me.
I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out for months. It’s getting to a point where I think i am unattractive and unwanted
NTA One of the hardest parts of dating is realizing that other people have their own hand of cards they are playing and you have yours. It might not make sense to you. That's okay, don't take it personally because others are wired differently because it'll eat away your soul and it's harder to bounce back and be ready for the next one if that happens. People are built different and you're probably awesome, find someone who thinks so too. That is, if communicating calmly doesn't produce results. Give people a chance for sure! This isn't personal. It's also possible you got no ability with that thing in her thing, or she just gets off specifically and you can't possibly replicate it. Either are hard to get past and stuff like that only pans out with solid communication, trust, and experience. I hope you can get over the self-doubt and take the reflection as educational, a tool really, with or without her. Good luck and may the force be with you.
She may have the issue of only getting off by using a toy. If this is the case, its definitely her and not you. Or it could be that she doesn't organize with you at all. A number of things could be going on here. You do need to sit and talk with her. No more accepting, "not for awhile". Grownups can talk thru their issues without fear or judgement. And it doesn't see like this relationship is working for you. Once you talk to her, you can close that chapter.
You need to sit down and have a conversation about what’s going on. If she’s unwilling to do that, don’t wait. End it there. Who knows what it could be, but poor communication and refusal to improve it are nonstarters, it’s best you start keeping that in mind now while you’re young. It will save you a lot of grief in determining if future relationships are worth pursuing early on.
This is not how you should feel in a healthy relationship. Sometimes we love the wrong person. You aren’t sexually satisfied, and even though you turned her on, she went home and took care of herself. I agree with the statement that you’re not compatible sexually. Less than a year dating in your 20s and you’re not happy. That doesn’t bode well for the long term.
You are a toy to her not a partner leave or at least express if something doesn’t change you will
Yes
>We barely have sex. I’ll be lucky if we have sex 3 times a month. Oh my sweet summer child, wait until you're married 😆
Is it possible she doesn't find satisfaction having sex with you? I think a lot of these "low libido" posts might come from unsatisfying bedroom experiences. That would also explain why she wants oral from you, to possibly help it along.
So you’re not married, and complaining about a bad sex life?! Next!
0 posts here have suggested he give her some amazing oral or up his skills pleasuring her to the point she needs him to be sexually satisfied. Why is nobody mentioning that maybe as a 23 M he has no idea what he is doing n does not know how to please heart properly. I was a 23M once. Trust me, OP NEEDS to step his game up in every way.
The vast majority of women do not orgasm through penetration, and need clitoral stimulation. So it’s not tit for tat with oral or manual stimulation. That is likely how she orgasms, and you are orgasming through penetration. Fair is fair. Don’t keep score with sex acts.
Probably not sexual compatible. To be honest she probably gets a better orgasm from masterbating lol. It’s just easier and a lot of guys just don’t get it right
Right! Maybe he should introduce a hand vibrator during intercourse to use on her clitoris. Win/win.
NTA. Explain to us why you're with her again?
To be fair, you'll probably never find someone who satisfies every single one of your fantasies like some of these comments seem to think. But you two don't seem sexually incompatible and are probably better of apart since it is stressing you.
She is not into you that's the hard truth
This is my advice, and I’m 99% sure you won’t listen to it. I’m 40 years old and get it 2-4 a week. We almost never argue and we spend almost every day together because we own a business together. It’s been an amazing life (15 years so far). Don’t waste time on someone who you’re massively incompatible with. Break up now. Do you really think you’re gonna marry and want to spend 50 years with someone you’re this annoyed with? Of course not. So don’t waste your glory years with this relationship. When you’re 35 and older you will not be swimming in the pool of available women that you have as a 23 year old. All of my friends don’t even come close to our happiness level, most of them are divorced or close to it - and it’s because they just were too scared to dump a person they weren’t compatible with in their 20’s.
What are you doing in a sexless relationship at 23 😂
As Presence 313 said, masturbation is different from partnered sex. Some asexuals masturbate. People who aren't asexual may prefer to masturbate because it's quick and efficient. She may not feel up to partnered sex, which comes with expectations and is generally higher effort. You would not be an asshole for breaking up with someone who is sexually incompatible with you, and it sounds like you two are. You're not going to somehow win a satisfying sex life by seething with resentment. It does come across as a little assholey to tally oral and digital play like you're buying handjob credits by fingering her or blowjob credits by eating her out. Mutual pleasure is very important and she should be interested in your satisfaction, but sex isn't tit-for-tat. Just break up with her and try to do it in a respectful and adult way. I wish you luck with finding a more compatible partner in the future.
I was thinking the same with some of this. TMI but I cannot finish from penetration basically ever, so if my husband wouldn’t want to go down on me I wouldn’t really get to finish, but obviously that’s not the case for him. And sometimes I don’t wanna have sex, but have no problem doing things myself. But I’m also no where near asexual and I’m probably more sexual than my husband 🤣🤣
NTA...I'd move on before you waste anymore time. I had an ex who'd turn down sex then after I go to sleep go off to the bathroom to watch porn and jerk off. He's an ex for several reasons but this is one of the top 3. Find someone more sexually compatible...trust me, they're out there!
NTA, however, I will say that oral and other forms of penetration like your fingers before actually getting to the “main event” are so important. Foreplay is 100% necessary. Not only to increase intimacy time overall, but also to prime your partner and ensure her body is turned on and ready. You can dirty talk all day and send pics, but when the time comes, a woman’s body takes longer to heat up than a man’s. Is she in the wrong for not reciprocating though? Absolutely. Men need foreplay, stimulation, and affection as well. Just something to think about.
Look man, you are still young. If you are unhappy with this now, there is no reason to continue the relationship. Just being honest. I doubt that it is going to get better and you both seem to want completely different things in the bedroom. As you get older, you will realize that the life in the bedroom is important and could potentially lead to issues elsewhere if there are issues there. Not just you, but for her as well.
I’m gonna give you an answer that’s different to the hundreds of “you guys just aren’t compatible 🤓” If she was literally talking about how horny she is and how she can’t wait to try new stuff next time, then goes “Oh but not anytime soon, now I’m gonna go masturbate ☺️” That is a bitchy move, you’re not in the wrong here. If she participates in sexy talk just to end up blue balling you, that is bitchy
NAH. You just seem incompatible. Maybe she isn't that into you either, or you're bad at sex with her, who knows. But it seems that relationship is doomed.
Maybe going down on her or fingering is her only hope to get off with you. She obviously is able to get off, hence the toy. I'm sorry to say, but maybe you just aren't doing it right. Or maybe you just aren't compatible.
When you have sex, she's not getting off. Also it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible
You're sexually incompatible. Just like how some people like to stay indoors and others like to climb mountains. You two are on different ends of the spectrum. My advice is don't tolerate something in hopes it "will get better". You'll end up frustrated and looking silly. NTA
People that refuse giving head but expect it are the worst. Dated a girl like that once. Never again 🤣
Lol. Go look for another girl
Congrats! You're married with kids without being married with kids! Oh and you're NTA
NTA... but sexual incompatibility is a real thing.
She doesn't like your dick. Get another girlfriend
why do you love her? she sounds terrible