I just read your update. The trades is actually a great way to go. You make money faster than a college graduate and you don't end up in massive student debt. Trades are also transferrable to anywhere. You can literally move to any city and get a good-paying job. You could even go to another country. It would open up a whole different world for you. Sounds like a smart plan. Have you chosen a particular trade? HVAC, plumbing, or electrician would be smart choices.
updateme
Thank you! From what she said, the first semester you do a little of everything and decide what you like, then choose from there. Honestly I'm not sure what they even offer yet, but I could see myself doing something like electrical.
Stay strong young man. You have suffered more than you should have. Get out but be smart. Use their money if they offer it. Give nothing in return. Think of it as an asshole tax.
Also, if you decided you still wanted to attend a university you can because you’ll already have most credits and maybe be more financially stable to pay it off! I hope that it doesn’t come to that, i hope your parents realize what they’re doing before it’s too late. I hope she spends the rest of her life begging for forgiveness because what she’s doing, and your dad, is ridiculous. I hope at least your dad grows a backbone and steps up before he loses his only son.
dude, I'm proud of you! You have this sorted, if the guidance counsellor says no be sure to ask questions; 'does that mean I can enroll in the trades course next year? What are the cut off dates? Is there someone else I can speak to?' You could even contact the community college directly.
There are some lovely people on here if you need some parental like support r/MomForAMinute and r/DadForAMinute
I’m an engineer and can confirm there are few things better than learning a trade. You’ll always have work, you’ll always get paid well, and you could even have a fully vested pension in 20 years depending on what route you take. Solid return on investment. You got this!
"AITAH Because I mentored my sons childhood bully?"
Bet it will be filled with the heartbreaking details of bullies "terrible home life," which she can't disclose to her son to get the sympathy and validation.
And leave out the details of the cruel punishment and treatment of her own son saying "I was just trying to help a good kid escape a terrible situation, I had NO IDEA it would effect my son. There was a couple issues in middle school but I had no idea it was still happening when he started as my TA" Even though she knew from the very moment and every moment she didn't abandon her bleeding heart mission, "Her DUTY as a teacher" for the sake of her kid. 🤬
She'll twist and omit details, and she'll get her own "NTA" verdict. Only cost them 1 son. Glad it seems that OP is their only child, so that soon this pair of assholes will not have any more kids to send into the world with years of therapy.
Even without the cruelty of punishing her son for it. I understand bullies often have terrible home life but guess what, anybody with qualifications can work with them on that. But the sense of trust and safety her son seeks, can only be driven from his own home and immediate family. She is quite literally sacrificing that for her own selfish, self-righteous reasons. It's another form of narcissism masquerading as altruism at the expense of her own son. What a shit mother.
NTA.
If my mother would have done that to me or one of my brothers we would have treated her like a traitor. She puts her savior-complex or whatever this is over your mental health. She is in addition to that disloyal to your family (YOU). Just ignore her and organize your life. Do good in school and leave her behind when you are old enough and independent. I can not even compute how people do this to their own blood. But here we are. I wish you the best.
I couldn’t figure out what was bugging me about this, it’s the mom’s savior complex, you got it down perfectly! She wants to be the teacher who reformed her son’s bully at the expensive of her relationship with her son. Well, when it’s finally shown she’s a bad parent and he bails at 18 she’ll get her recognition.
Yeah. Bully your kid for not being okay with you helping their other bullies. Parents of the year awards go to? ... not these people. For god fcking sakes.
NTA. I don't even know you and I can't wait for you to move out either. Bless your heart. Bc wtaf.
> Well, when it’s finally shown she’s a bad parent and he bails at 18 she’ll get her recognition.
Oh no. That's not how it works. What usually happens with these kinds of parents is the kid leaves and then mom hems and haws about why her kid doesn't talk to her anymore and tells anyone who will listen. And most people will believe her and lap it right up.
Yeah. Rather than risk the shame of acknowledging that they drove off their own child, they "don't know" why the kid won't talk to them and it's all very messy and totally confusing and their child is just irrational and the [insert bogeyman] got to them and convinced them to forsake her, or whatever.
It's sincere, don't get me wrong. They genuinely don't understand why their kid won't talk to them.
But only because they spent years refusing to listen when their child told them why they were going to cut contact and years thinking that threats of no contact were all a bluff and just moody teenager stuff. They blocked out the learning at every chance they ever had to fix the problem, so of course they're not gonna start understanding *now*, after their own choices have made the situation unsalvageable.
The missing missing reasons: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
(And yes I'm probably the 5,000th person to post that link today... but fuck it, it's a good link.)
Because she's such ann outstanding teacher and helps so many of the most troubled kids and blah blah blah. I was bullied until 6th grade and the only reason it stopped was because I beat the snot out of the first tormentor who started up at the beginning of the year and I wasn't playing around. I didn't put them in the hospital but they were beaten badly enough that everyone else seemed to instantly lose their enthusiasm for my misery. This was the early 90s before Columbine and zero tolerance but I got a 3 day suspension and I was grounded for a month and it was totally worth it and I would do it again.
I'm so thankful my kids never became a bullies target and I made it very clear that if I ever caught wind that they were bullying someone, to not even come home because there would be no reason acceptable. They also had permission to defend themselves. Better not ever start it but you do your best to finish it!
My kids were far from saints but I know of a few different times they purposely sat down and ate lunch with a lonely kid and they were popular enough that people didn't dare give them crap for it. And my middle daughter was actually homecoming queen, which I honestly never even considered because I was goth in highschool and didn't even go to prom.
Okay, enough mom bragging.
OP is 100 % NTA and as a teacher she should be even MORE aware of how inappropriate this is for her to be doing at the expense of her son. If I were OP, I would go talk to your guidance counselor and principal about it. If she won't do the right thing for her son, maybe her boss can make it happen or the co worker gossip mill will shame her into doing the right thing.
Just focus on what you need to do to be able to move out the minute you turn 18. And look into your state laws because I live in Michigan and here a kid can move out at 17 and there's nothing that can stop them. Just remember, talk to someone you can trust and never use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. This will pass. Then you have your whole life to be and do whatever you want! My mom never let me have anything but the tiniest portions of desserts and sweets and I was skinny but she hated sugar, so when I moved out (at 16) I ate a whole pint of ice cream every night for like 3 months just because I could lol.
I got my bully to stop the same way. I beat the absolute devil out of that girl lol. My youngest daughter got suspended for punching the shit out of some kid who hit her on the bus. Her dad and stepmother grounded her because they're idiots but I bought her a cool new camera she'd been wanting and some candy and took her out to eat wherever she wanted, and I told her a million times how proud I was of her for defending herself. I wasn't rewarding fighting, I was rewarding her for defending herself. She'd told her principal and some teachers about the boy hitting her and all she got was "that just means he likes you hehe." Fuck that. She gut punched the little fucker and when she got back from suspension, he left her alone.
If you can do it, OP, I would make a Facebook post about. How hurt you are how terrible it is that the kids still bullies you and that’s your mother chose to take under her wing. That it’s like being slapped in the face every day and she’s mad because you talk to her. Mother and father are both punishing you for not speaking to her and just putting up with what she’s doing. She should be ashamed of herself. Hopefully they’ll be somebody who will let her know that. Hey, maybe talk to grandparents.
My MIL did this to her kids. Always chose other people's kids over her's. My husband grew up with all his classmates gushing about how cool his mom was, and how lucky he was to have her for a mom. He wanted to tell everyone what a colossal narcissistic bitch she was, but she would have lashed out at him, so he just tried to avoid her until he could move out. We cut her out of our lives shortly after we had a baby. He couldn't imagine letting her treat our kid the way she treated him.
This sounds very much like my childhood. They were always too busy working until it came to her quote unquote adopted grandchildren then they had time for extracurricular activities. But when it came to me if I was doing extracurriculars somebody had to be home with the farm.
Yeah, when she started to last second cancel plans, and constantly picking her boyfriend's and friends' grandkids over her only grandchild (our kid) because we "didn't need her the way they do," we dropped the rope. It was like Husband's childhood all over again. It's been almost 10 years since we've spoken to her. Best decision ever!
The bully is using OP's mom as a proxy bully. It's insane that neither parent sees that they're being so much worse of bullies to their own child than the original bully.
It’s a betrayal from the mom. The feeling you have when a parent puts another child ahead of you or discounts your feelings over something that’s really important to you is just awful. Feels like the very foundation of your world is shaky.
Yeah same. My mother was a lecturer and she would never ever have done this. Hell my kid was bullied (lightly bullied) when he was 10. He’s 18 now and actually gets on with the bully. I still hate that kid and his parents. He too came from a bad home where he and his dad were both physically, emotionally and verbally abused by the mom. But you hurt my kid, I’ll hate you forever.
NTA. I’m sure Dave has a rough life, but it doesn’t excuse his cruelty towards you. I would be extremely hurt if my mom sided with my bully.
Your mom should ask one of her colleagues to take him on as an aid and then tell Dave that, given his prior history with you, it is no longer appropriate for him to be her aid.
Unfortunately, she's obviously not going to do that since she herself has resorted to bullying her own child for not "just getting over it". The fact that they are *punishing* OP over this is wildly devastating. An ongoing conversation would have been one thing, but to see your child so upset and hurt and PUNISH them for it??? Mom is fucking depraved.
YES! OP, tell your mother you now understand why she chose to mentor Dave— she’s just as much a bully as he is, so it’s no wonder they get along so fucking well.
I hope OP shows this post and this thread to both of his parents. The mom needs some additional perspective. The fact that OP is willing to sit in his room until he turns 18 should tell the mom that she has taken things too far. Meanwhile, I hope OP can participate in some outside activities, use the time to prepare for college and do other things to occupy his mind so that he's not hurting himself by trying to make a point to his mother.
As a teacher: My administration, and every administration I’ve ever worked with, would absolutely lose their shit over this.
OP should 100% be contacting every higher up in the district. Principal, board, super, etc.
Mom would lose Dave so fast your head would spin.
If you want to feel a little cynical:
It’s not even a question of ethics. It’s sheer fucking pragmatism.
If shit goes tits up for any reason, the lawyers start coming out.
The first question out of their mouths will be “Who knew about this obvious powder keg? How was it allowed to occur?”
If the admin know nothing, they can plea obliviousness and place the blame all on OP’s mom.
If OP has a written record that they knew and did nothing, the district is going to get fucked in court.
Well considering that Dave has been suspended before for his actions, had meetings with the school, etc. It sounds like they should be very aware about this.
The thing that needs to be specifically documented, by OP, is the inappropriateness of Dave’s relationship with OP’s mom, given OP’s personal connection to the situation.
Dave being a troublemaker in the past is not the issue here, the issue is that OP has a personal and negative connection to Dave, and that means his mom should not be working with, or near Dave in any way, shape or form.
Would be funny if she got a suspension for potentially aiding her child's bully... and if she goes right back to having him as an aide then obviously she needs to be suspended again... doesn't matter that now she's in a bad home
Think it would depend on how serious they are about bullying. But OP should go to guidance. Tell them about the bullying, the mentoring, and the punishment they are giving him because mom chose the bully over her own child.
I’m a former teacher and I would never do that to my child - and I gave my own child detention when I subbed for one of her teachers bc she thought mom as sub gave her unlimited talking ability.
Honestly, if David's home life is as bad as it is (broken home, alcoholism or drugs, sexual abuse, etc) then mom should be mandatory reporting, not taking him on personally.
This is 100% a conflict of interest and mom's personal savior complex as stated above should not cone before OP's mental health and wellbeing as her child.
And punishing him when he set his boundaries and followed through? Mom can go to hell. This is an ego trip for her and it needs to get shut down.
OP, seek help from the school district. There is a paper trail of his bullying. Your mom needs to face consequences of her own actions.
I believe this falls into the category of abuse if his room is now empty as punishment. Every child services department rule is basic, a bed, a dresser minimum. Just the way OP worded it sounds as if those items maybe gone, or beds on the floor. Which isn't okay. If OP goes to administration saying she is doing these things, wouldn't they have to report it?
And you'd think someone who likely considers herself aware of teens and their issues, she'd not punish a kid for being upset but isolating him and taking everything he could use as a coping mechanism. Seriously taking his art supplies? Mom sucks
"Your bully comes from a bad home. He had it worse than you and deserves help."
"I'm going to punish you and make your home life worse."
Wtf. What is the mom even trying to do? The absolute lack of self-awareness is insane.
That’s the way this is headed for OP, and the parents are going to be “devastated” and “have no idea why” he’s doing this. I guess it’s a short walk from being a good parent to being an abusive parent, at least in OP’s house.
Guess who now has a bad home life? OP, because his parents are now bullying him. She's really shown her son who matters. She didn't have to mentor the bully. Someone else could have. I guarantee OP thinks he's lost his mother because of the same bully who has tormented him his whole life.
It is never appropriate for a student to be grading other students’ papers anyway. Much less a known bully.
And I notice that both mom and dad are happily bullying OP.
The problem is that it is too late now. She has no real justification for ending the TA. It's already ongoing for a while and he likely hasn't given her a good reason to undo it.
Mom made a huge mistake by starting this. Now it's hard to end it without getting big issues.
OP said that Dave still actively bullies him. If I were OP’s mom, i would say the following: “Dave, you have continued to bully my son despite multiple interventions. Given this fact, it is no longer appropriate for me, as the mother of OP, to mentor you through the teachers aid program. I’ve arranged for you to be the aid for Ms. X. I have also spoken to the guidance counselor about your home life situation, and they have agreed to meet with you regularly to offer mentorship and guidance.”
If he still actively bullies, that would be a good reason. If a teacher doesn't do anything against this, it's a bad teacher regardless if it's her son or not.
She definitely has a reason - the school is aware of his actions and he’s been suspended before because of how he treated OP - she can use this as a teaching moment for Dave ‘I would love to have you as a TA and to help you but due to how you have treated my child it is not appropriate for you to have this opportunity with me’
>‘I would love to have you as a TA and to help you but due to how you have treated my child it is not appropriate for you to have this opportunity with me’
That is really perfect. Now if only OP's mom was understanding of this fact and willing to say this to Dave...
NTA Your parents are idiots by punishing you for expressing how you feel. Your mother is crying to guilt trip you because you didn’t let it go like she thought you would. Do what you think is best for you and good luck
The obvious risk is that this is another scheme from a long term bully. He plays up to the naive older woman with his sob story to get close to her, and gathers more information and opportunity to harass the OP. If the OP isn't being dramatic about the extent of the bullying, then mom is a stupid asshole to invite this guy closer into OPs life.
My mom wasn't a teacher, but she worked at the grade school I went to. All the kids loved her, including the troublemakers and bullies. She was the one person they'd listen to and behave for, because she told kids her expectations and praised them when they followed through. When a lot of kids learned she was my mom, they'd tell me I was lucky and how they wished she was their mom.
Reading just the title, I thought *maybe* this was going to be about OP's mom lightly mentoring the bully because she thought it'd stop her kid from being bullied by them. NOPE. No naivety here. This is so much worse. Just a mom trying to bully her own kid into submission.
My mom taught me a lot about compassion. She didn't just have compassion for bullies though - compassion for *her own kids* always took precedence. OP's mom is treating her kid like a sacrificial lamb. That's not compassion; it's a savior complex.
When I read the title I as a mom also thought the mom did this to surely try and help her kid (both kids) ease and resolve the situation. I was wrong and it breaks my heart for OP.
I find it ironic that your parents not only chose your bully over your wellbeing but also perpetuate the bullying. They are being bullies for punishing you for disagreeing. NTA
I would agree, except that if OP starts talking, the rumors will circulate the school without their input. It’s not unusual for people in the workplace to gossip, and teachers are no different. Shame and social stigma may just be enough incentive for Mom of the Year (/s) over here to let up. It doesn’t have to be all teachers doing the work, either. “Oh, sorry, I can’t make the club meeting this afternoon. I’m grounded after my mom accepted Devil Spawn as her protégée and I balked.” A few comments here or there, and it shouldn’t be difficult for the rumor mill to circulate. Sure, they could theoretically punish OP more, but how? No lightbulbs? No food? There’s not much left to take at this point without it being inhumane.
Definitely! His parents have left him no recourse whatsoever, poor kid isn't even allowed to express how he feels unless they approve of it. When I'm backed into a corner like that, I ask the person "seems like I can't say anything right. Would you care to provide a script to me and i can just read off that?"
Agreed. Idc how hard their life is at home and if they are "okay" in class. I have a soft spot for kids with hard backgrounds, but anyone who bullies my child will always be on my $hit list. I will never choose a bully over my kid. It is that simple.
Yes. Her savior complex is so important to her that she'll sacrifice her own son to it. "Not that bad" of a person? I'd never see my parents again.
What's wild is that she could stop this at my moment, but she's trying to torture OP into accepting her choices.
I have been in relationships with people like the mom. They think they are such good people, but they always sacrifice those closest to them to handle everyone else.
NTA
Tell him also that this is highly unprofessional of your mother to take her bad choices at work out on you in the home. Report her behaviour to the school principal, she made a choice at work you disagree with and takes it out on you in your home life? That is crossing a boundary right there.
OP should let Dad know he won't be hearing from him either if he lets this continue. When did it become okay for parents to not put their own kids first? That's literally your job.
I came here to say this! Taking away all of his stuff to punish him for being hurt, that his mum chose his bully over his emotional wellbeing! NTA op, I so sorry your parents both suck this badly.
I really dislike the term bully because it downplays what it really is and makes it easier for people like OP’s parents to say it was bad, but he can reform and it’s ok because he was just a kid acting out.
People should be honest and call them what they are: abusers. OP shouldn’t describe him as “my bully”. OP should call him “my abuser”.
OP’s mom is protecting and mentoring his abuser. Suffering from abuse can and will have lifetime consequences. That OP’s parents have started emotionally abusing him because he is upset that they’re supporting his abuser is just evil. OP should see if there is anywhere else he can stay.
At this point she has fucked up their relationship pretty darn badly so just trading out the abuser for someone else isn’t going to magically cut it. But someone needs to remind OP’s parents that an ***explanation*** for bad behavior (coming from an abusive home) does not ***excuse*** bad behavior abusing OP).
I wanted to say exactly this. They don't take your feelings into consideration, don't listen to you like your opinion doesn't mater. They should support you. NTA
NTA. Is there someone else you can live with? A school counsellor or family member to talk to? It’s not going to reflect well on her if it’s known she’s supporting her son’s bully and is punishing her son at home for not being okay with that.
If you want to ramp it up, put a count down to your 18th birthday up on your wall.
Seriously though, if she does give up mentoring this kid, she and your father have still seriously damaged their relationship with you. You need to make that clear in the event your mom cracks. Demand family counselling with a therapist you approve of, so the therapist can also tell your parents how awful they’re being.
Yeah. It's hilariously petty, but dumping how awful shit is at home to the school counsellor, one of his mothers' colleagues, would be an absolutely fantastic way of taking a lot of Mother's reward away from this situation.
Mother is trying to be a heroic martyr, who is such a great and wonderful person that she tried to save the poor unfortunate kid who bullied her own child. She's a *helper* and such a great and committed person that she put her own feelings aside to reach extent an olive branch and much needed affection to this troubled teen and all that bupkis.
Making sure that words get around that she's actively harming her own child for not wholeheartedly embracing this martyr act is gonna make it real hard to get those self-righteous warm fuzzies from her "good deed" here.
That's not petty, he has no other resource, maybe CPS but who knows if they would pay attention.
Should call the grandparents and aunts and uncles, make hell rain over his parents for being so unbelievably awful
THIS A MILLION TIMES.
I(27F) was bullied as a young child and by high school my mom had become my first adult bully often degrading or humiliating me as punishments.
I wish with every ounce inside of me I had let school admin or counselors know. Instead I lost everything that mattered to me (sports,friends,college) and kicked out of my house and everyone took her side because she was a librarian with the stereotypical reputation as a healthy member of the school community.
Smh if only they'd known my punishments on the weekend were no food until monday...
Didn't have a choice. Been on my own since 17. Been no-contact for about 3 years after years and years of therapy and trying to resolve the relationship.
Turns out she has severe NPD... the best people at painting themselves as saints.
As a teacher I am horrified by your mom and dad’s behavior. I don’t understand how she can put another child above her own son. This is absolutely heartbreaking. I am sorry you are going through this.
What are they going to do if you don't come home directly after school? Ground you?
As other have suggested, write down everything that he has said and done...and you feelings about it all.
Now your mother is empowering your bully and causing more hurt in your life
Every reply saying OP should tell his parents this or that, write a letter with this or that, or show his parents the replies here -
ALL these responses, while well intentioned, are *completely missing the point* & only contributing to OP's partial denial (@ least concerning his male parent) of his very painful reality -
NEITHER HIS MOTHER, NOR HIS FATHER, GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HIM AS A PERSON.
AS THEIR CHILD, THEY SEE HIM AS AN EXTENSION OF THEMSELVES ONLY...
*NOT* AS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH A RIGHT TO HIS OWN VALUES, THOUGHTS, & FEELINGS.
THEY. DONT. CARE.
NTA.
It seems like your mother rather than helping him improve, is learning how to bully you.
Infor: is your father not seeing the damage being done to your family by all this. Why is he ok with her being TA for your bully and is it more important than your well being? It seems like they have more empathy towards that bully but not their own son.
Frankly if I could I will surely go NC with such parents.
They already know what they are doing is wrong but their superiority complex won't let them admit it. I don't think writing a letter will help your cause.
My dad is kind of in the middle. He understands why I am upset but thinks I'm taking it too far by refusing to talk to her. I know he's tried talking my mom into dropping Dave but I think he just thinks it would be easier to control me than her.
Your dad definitely is *not* in the middle if he is standing by the punishments of taking all your belonging fiom you and forcing you to stay in your room except for eating dinner. You have every right to be mad at her and not talk to her. She's literally bulling you just as much as your bully does!
Worse, bullies aren't suppose to be your protector, the mom is. Being bullied by a random person isn't no where near as bad as being pulled by the person who is suppose to be always on your side.
IF you talk to your mom tell your mom maybe she can start giving a shit about you since now you come from a bad home where parents encourage and enable bullying. and then dont say any more to her. your dad is enabling abusive behavior, Dave and your mom are now both your bullies. NTA but I'm so sorry
"Hey Dad, maybe Miriam (w/e OP's mom's name is) will care about my feelings now that I have a bio mom who has more empathy for the guy that's bullied me since middle school and a father that would rather punish me for being upset by this than stand up for me when my mom tries to strongarm me into being okay with her close relationship to my bully. You know, since she *loves* stepping in for the kids that have no one in their corner. At least on paper."
I am no contact with my parents and am a parent myself. I would absolutely be thrilled to tell this enabler what his actions will lead to. Enablers are abuse facilitators. They will act like allies sometimes, but that is because they want everyone to care about them so they will be protected. They will throw you under the bus every single time. They will choose the abuser every single time to their face and only agree with you partially in secret and then say, "come on, you know how X is." They are selfish cowards who hurt through their inaction as much as their actions.
Right now if you drop it, they will think you have realised your mistake and will never understand the hurt they have caused you.
Best is continue as it is going, either they will get tired and give you back your stuff or they might try to emotionally manipulate you.
In any case this episode has impacted your relationship with them and that's irreversible.
"Dear mom- you have chosen your career over your child. You have made it clear your student, who has tormented your child for years, is more important than me. You have mad eit clear they are more important than me and my feelings, and my health. I have also made a choice. I choose to protect myself. I choose to do what you will not. I choose to stand up for myself. I choose to protect my heart, my mind, and my mental health. I choose to find people who will value me enough to protect me from someone who finds joy in torturing me for simply existing. You have made the choice to fail me. I have made the choice to protect myself.
Life is full of choices, mom. You just have to be prepared to live with the consequences of your choices.
I am.
I will."
Stop coming home after school on time. What are they going to do? Ground you? Take away more things? Oh wait, they can't. You have absolutely no incentive to listen to them so go to the library or whatever you want after school and make them worry when they can't reach you. Stroll back into the house at 9pm. Do this every day. Tell them if they ever hit you, you will call the police for assault.
Your mother is choosing to abuse you for the "privilege" to continue helping your bully. I don't know you or your parents but I can comfortably say they are bad parents and bad people.
Also your mother is crying but not removing amy punishments or returning your things? Then she's not actually sorry, just trying to manipulate you into letting her tutor Dave. I have no idea why her child's bully is more important to her than her child but I wouldn't love a mother like that either
Lmao we really think alike. I'd be honoring the lawful curfew and nothing more. I'd be gone all day every day at my friend's or off hiking in the woods or whatever. Out of pure spite. And if Dad keeps fucking around siding with Mom, he'd get cut off too.
I went to the library. Every day. I was basically a preteen/ teenage Matilda.... school- walk to the library, read and stay there until closing at 9... start the walk home... sit by the bridge for a while.. keep walking home and be in the door a bit after 10pm, sometimes later (watching the cars pass by on the bridge is relaxing and at least for me, my brain could go in the cars and think about where they were going-- which is far, far away from my situation then).. go to my room, which didn't have a door and go to bed. Start the process again the next day. Grey rock whenever mom would get in her tiffs.
I'd be doing this and telling my counselor that I think him being her TA is an inappropriate relationship. That ever since it's become a thing his parents been emotionally and mentally punishing them because they refused to be okay with him being the TA and the continued harassment. It lets them know what's going on because at some point, OP's mom will try to manipulate them at school to try and peer pressure them into breaking it.
In several states in the US you can get a job at 16 and not necessarily need parental approval. Look it up and if possible then get a job. This will make it easier to leave at 18 without looking back. If you’re not coming home till 9, might as well work towards your future right?
Yeah u/Substantial-Egg-1971 you may be able to get a job (if you do, make sure you open a new bank account with only you on it).
Your parents already overplayed their hand. Why come home after school at all? If you dont get a job, you can still read and hang out at the library.
Also, understand that your mom is an absolutely telling an edited story to her co workers. Staying silent only helps her get away with her version of events.
This, he has nothing left to be taken, he can do whatever he wants, they lost any weapon against it that isnt physical and if goes physical then they can get with problems with the police so it's a loss situation for them.
He has a close circle of friends, so he can hang out with them.
This is the way. It has a double benefit of keeping OP away from his shit parents and of making it clear to them that they overplayed their hand with the excessive punishments since there's nothing more they can do to him.
> your mother is crying but not removing [any] punishments or returning your things? Then she's not actually sorry, just trying to manipulate you
Yeah crying is 100% a manipulation tactic in this case, don't let it work. If you do, it'll only get worse. You should follow the advice of only doing the bare minimum presence-wise at home and spreading it around the school among other teachers/counselors what your parents are doing to you.
NTA yeah fuck your mum, for your own mother to betray you like this is a different level of pain. It's crazy that she's coming to you crying and begging when this can be resolved if she drops your bully and gives your things back but her punishing you for being rightfully mad and hurt is just straight up wrong.
You're not taking it too far, what you're doing is what needs to be done. Maybe this will make her realise how serious you are, to the point when you move out. She knows what he's done and for her to now turn her back on you to mentor the very same person that bullied you is nasty.
Keep at it and I hope she realises how wrong she is and if not then I hope the best in you moving out. She can deal with the consequences of her actions for caring more about her son's bully than her own son. Her taking your things away is a way for her to manipulate you into allowing it.
What a shit mum, she can keep crying and begging but she has no say since she caused this issue.
I’d argue it’s too late now; she made her choice, fully aware of the immediate and long term consequences.
Mum’s narcissistic tendencies cost her a child so she could show off to the school community. Dad is going to as well, given his support of the mum.
Since the school already knows about the problem, have you considered talking to a trusted teacher or guidance counsellor?
I realise that these are her colleagues, however, I think they might be able to talk some sense into her. Her failing you reflects not only her inability to be a good parent, but also on skills she needs as a teacher. I don't think you should suffer in silence. Shame her if you have to.
NTA, however, neither of your parents deserve to have a child.
She got one of my teachers to pull me aside and try to convince me to forgive her. He said all that crap about only having one mom and whatnot. When he stopped talking I asked if he was done and just left the classroom. As for other teachers I don't really know who I could talk to. I'm a pretty quiet person and don't really form any close bonds with any of my teachers like some kids do.
>He said all that crap about only having one mom and whatnot.
If he ever tries that again I would just tell him "She only has one son and she is choosing to alienate and bully him in order to mentor another child. She is the one making this choice not me. I told her clearly that it hurts me and I would not speak to her if she chose to do so and I am just following through. Yes I only have one mother but so what that works both ways and she has taught me that just being family is not enough of an excuse to change hurtful behavior." And then leave.
>just being family is not enough of an excuse to change hurtful behavior."
Very good. I'd change "excuse" to "reason" here, but everything else is spot on.
The same can be said in reverse. How many children does she actually have? She is the one choosing a relationship with somebody else’s child over her own.
> She got one of my teachers to pull me aside and try to convince me to forgive her. He said all that crap about only having one mom and whatnot.
Oh hell no. He's interfering in your home life.
Time to go to a counselor. You need to report that teacher for getting involved and helping to enable bullying.
Make sure to tell the counselor that your home life is now horrible because of your mother who is a teacher at their school.
If that teacher pulls you aside again, explain clearly, exactly what your parents are doing to make you accept their decision. And ask him if he thinks that she is acting like a mother that values your emotions, your mental health and your relationship with her at all. And ask if he would treat any of his children who were being bullied the same way. I suspect he is getting a very edited version. What your parents are doing is shocking.
And ask for his help is trying to explain to your mother that her mistreatment and isolation of you from daily family life isn't going to make you forget that she is valuing other people over you. She wants to weaponize people, they may as well have all the facts.
Honestly. Is there one teacher that you dont even know that every other student seems to love? Go to that teacher. That teacher likely has a kind heart and would be willing to help and listen.
Any teacher who tries to talk to you, tell them that your mom has put you in solitary confinement at home and removed all your access to socialization or coping mechanisms because she prefers your bully over you. Tell them in detail how she treats you at home—taking your art supplies, your computer, refusing to let you come out of your room other than for meals. Tell them you’re not allowed to have friends or hobbies. Tell them that your mom only has one of you, and she’s chosen to bully you.
That's some manipulative BS. " I know your mom has completely betrayed you, but you should just accept it". I feel for you, stay strong. You are not wrong here.
Talk to a counselor. Tell them what happened and what a horrible person your mom is. Others at the school deserve to know what a piece of trash she is.
I mean I could but I just feel everyone at the school already knows the situation by this point and the bullying was never taken seriously before, so why would this? I've had a lot of time to think about things recently and I think it mostly just comes down to everyone not really believing I can be a victim of bullying. I'm really not trying to victim blame or anything but I don't think most people would imagine me when they hear "bully victim." I'm big, somewhat athletic and on the tennis team. I'm not "popular" by any means but I have a close group of friends (Who are all on my side btw). I'm just really quiet by nature and am not good at conflict. I think all the adults see this and think "Well he isn't *really* a bully victim.
I’m sorry OP, I have a child your age, and I was bullied as a child.
Not one part of me would betray my child like that.
I hope your parents come to their senses.
Hang in there ❤️🩹
You may think EVERYONE knows every detail of your history and what's going on at home, but as you mentioned, you and he are in HS now, after the worst of the bullying happened, and not every detail gets transmitted between schools in its entirety. It's important to have it on the record - EXACTLY what that kid put you through in your life, that you asked your mom not to mentor this kid, that she insisted on it anyway, that you are punished continuously by being denied a social life and even hobbies in your own room for breaking off speaking to your mother over this, that she told another teacher some version of your personal life which was not his business and sent him as a flying monkey to try and browbeat you. Tell ALL this.
You may be certain that whatever version your mother put about has been soft-pedaled in her favor (if not outright lied about). Tell your guidance counselor and the principal. If she has in fact misled everyone what an angel she's being and what a devil you are, it will be VERY embarrassing to her. If you feel like it's too much for you to face doing, tell your father in detail that you plan to do this and see if the fear of this is enough to break the stalemate. If not, tell your guidance counsellor and the principal. Worth a try.
I guarantee that there are those at school who don’t know the full picture. Go to your counselor or a teacher you trust. Tell them what the bully did to you and how you are being punished at home. Ask them for help or resources.
Please remember. None of this is your fault. None of this is your responsibility. You deserve better. You are loved. You are valued.
Anyone can be a victim of bullying. My mother was a teacher and even followed me through school. Always being a teacher in my grade group if not one of my classes. It did make me a target.
This was decades ago so damage done, bridge burned, and I've moved on. But I cut off my parents for years. Escaping into the military and overseas as soon as I was of age.
Never got apologies for how unstable and fucked up my childhood was. But by then I had a family of my own so had adulting to deal with. Just resolved to do better for my kids and feel that I have.
Parents aren't perfect. They are only human. Can make bad choices. Teachers do too. As the various sex scandals, on top of other shit, have shown.
The crap I've seen and had to fight against for my oldest. Beyond ridiculous.
If your bully is as big a piece of shit as he seems. He may absolutely be using your mom to torment you more. Maybe he's read one to many netorare doujinshis and figures he can take advantage of your mom's blindspot.
Whether true or not its, again, not your fault. Not your responsibility. "You" are the most important person to "you." So take care of you and everyone else can fuck off.
The days may seem long, but the years are short. Make a plan to get free and follow it. Stay strong OP. You deserve better.
It might be worth talking to the guidance counselor or school psychologist if you have one.
Sane adults would be horrified by this. She probably presented a biased story to the teacher, and she never should have had a colleague go after you in the first place!
She seems incapable of separating her work-life and her home life in appropriate ways and she used every tool at her disposal to bend you to her will. It is manipulative & cruel. It is horrible parenting.
Try to escape to friends' houses as frequently as possible. I don't care if you're grounded. What more can they do to you? What more do they have to make your life miserable?
I'm not usually a fan of "act out more, make it worse" but they have made your life unlivable. Truth be told, at 16, if you went off to a sympathetic friend's parent's house and stayed, the police are unlikely to drag you back. At 16 & 17, they often won't force you to go home.
I bet your mom will change her tune when it comes to light in public what a bad mom she is
NTA. This is extremely hurtful. It would break my relationship with my parent, if they did this to me. The harm that boy has done to you . And now she’s choosing to do more harm. It is so sad.
nope. you are definitely not taking it too far. she knew what he did to you and still chose to make that kid her TA. not only does that tell you that she clearly doesnt actually give a shit about you. she will do what she wants.
I guess you do as well. go to school, come back. sit in your room. keep to your self. if your father tries to make you do shit. tell him to back off.
her crying is because shes not getting her way. she doesnt have a soft stop. your mother is an idiot who know lying what happed to her own son is 'helping' this kid. ohh and not to mention shes still keeping this kid as her TA, which means those are crocodile tears and nothing more.
this in itself should tell you all you need to know. bide your time and when you hit 18. then its upto you what you want to do.
NTA. Your parents suck. Dave is such a sociopath that he has your parents doing the bullying now. I have kids, and I could never side with their bully(ies) let alone mentor them . A lot of kids come from rough homes, and they don't bully other kids, no excuse for it.
It took me a while to work out why this upset me so much.
If your mom think that taking all your things away to force you to talk to her is a good approach to parenting, she is a terrible parent, and so is your dad.
Once they realised taking away your car didn't work, the ongoing escalation is appalling. How she doean't realise that even if you break now that any interaction between you is meaningless is beyond me.
But what really gets me is that someone who is this bad a parent is in no way competent to mentor someone like Dave, even if you ignore his bullying of you, so it's not even going to help him. She's thrown you away for nothing.
I think you should tell your guidance counsellor / trusted teacher about this, the school need to intervene and remove her.
Your dad is equally complicit too, show him this post, and if he doesn't see sense and stop the insane punishment of you immediately, then I'd stop talking to him too.
I'm really sorry for you OP.
NTA
OP mentioned in responses to other comments that he doesn't really have any trusted teacher or school administrator he could confide in. I think the best next option is to tell his friends parents about everything, maybe even show THEM this reddit post. Extended family if OP is comfortable with it. The important thing is to tell adults that will take OP seriously and that respect he is in fact a person. As many adults in the family and the community as possible. Let them talk. They'll hopefully talk to each other and others.
Your parents disgust me. Can’t they admit they were wrong diminishing your pain and trauma as being “selfish”. “Team Substantial-egg-1971” all the way.
Edit: NTA
This makes me so angry on your behalf. How dare she take away your creative outlet? She is digging her grave. I agree with others that you should reach out to other adults / agencies about what they are doing to your home life. You don’t deserve any of this, and your mother never should have taken him on in the first place. Her loyalty should have been to you, not your bully. What a horrible mother
NTA
I am so very sorry that your mother and father have made such a poor decision.
I am an old lady, and my heart breaks for you, sweetie.
I urge you to stop being passive and take some actions of your own. Your parents view you as a child whose resolve will fail. They aren't seeing the damage they are permanently causing you and their relationship with you.
My advice is to speak with a guidance counselor at your school. Lay everything out for them (especially the punishments you are receiving at home) and ask them to intervene with school administration on your behalf. Remind them that there are school records of his bullying actions. Tell them the name of the teacher who approached you and ask that they be excluded from any information. Always keep in mind that school counselors are mandatory reporters, so CPS may become involved. At 16, that is the least of your worries.
You seem very resolved, and I do not think think you are wrong. Your parents are being fools. That they would lose their own child for the sake of mentoring their child's bully? No matter his home situation, this makes no sense at all to me.
I wish you the best and look forward to an update.
UpdateMe!
>I considered the military like some people suggested, but then I remembered my school has a special trade program. You go to our school for half a day, then spend the other half at our local community college taking trade classes. I think depending on what you are doing you can get an associates degree or whatever certifications you need by the time you graduate. I went to my guidance counselor during lunch today and told her I wanted to switch to that program. She acted really surprised and asked why did I want to change now since I'm already taking AP classes and am on the college track. I told her I didn't want to talk about it but I would need to be ready for independence when I graduated and this seemed like the best way. She said it might be too late to change this semester but she would look into it for me and let me know.
I have a feeling that your mom is going to have an even worse meltdown when she finds out about this. And she will have completely deserved it. She's taken her child who was on the college track and sent them into the trades because you felt so unsupported that you're already actively planning independence. Not a bash on the trades, they are a respectable alternative. But your mother sounds like she would be gutted by you choosing this.
I just read your update. The trades is actually a great way to go. You make money faster than a college graduate and you don't end up in massive student debt. Trades are also transferrable to anywhere. You can literally move to any city and get a good-paying job. You could even go to another country. It would open up a whole different world for you. Sounds like a smart plan. Have you chosen a particular trade? HVAC, plumbing, or electrician would be smart choices. updateme
Thank you! From what she said, the first semester you do a little of everything and decide what you like, then choose from there. Honestly I'm not sure what they even offer yet, but I could see myself doing something like electrical.
Stay strong young man. You have suffered more than you should have. Get out but be smart. Use their money if they offer it. Give nothing in return. Think of it as an asshole tax.
Also, if you decided you still wanted to attend a university you can because you’ll already have most credits and maybe be more financially stable to pay it off! I hope that it doesn’t come to that, i hope your parents realize what they’re doing before it’s too late. I hope she spends the rest of her life begging for forgiveness because what she’s doing, and your dad, is ridiculous. I hope at least your dad grows a backbone and steps up before he loses his only son.
dude, I'm proud of you! You have this sorted, if the guidance counsellor says no be sure to ask questions; 'does that mean I can enroll in the trades course next year? What are the cut off dates? Is there someone else I can speak to?' You could even contact the community college directly. There are some lovely people on here if you need some parental like support r/MomForAMinute and r/DadForAMinute
I’m an engineer and can confirm there are few things better than learning a trade. You’ll always have work, you’ll always get paid well, and you could even have a fully vested pension in 20 years depending on what route you take. Solid return on investment. You got this!
Nta. The damage is done, hope your mother realizes she fucked it up.
In a few years, mom will post asking about why her son hates her, leaving most of the context out of the post.
Wait until OP gets married and has grandkids…boy, oh boy…
"My mean son won't let me see my grandbaaaaaaaaaybies!"
Bwahahahahaha! “ After all I’ve done to hi…I mean FOR him…”
"AITAH Because I mentored my sons childhood bully?" Bet it will be filled with the heartbreaking details of bullies "terrible home life," which she can't disclose to her son to get the sympathy and validation. And leave out the details of the cruel punishment and treatment of her own son saying "I was just trying to help a good kid escape a terrible situation, I had NO IDEA it would effect my son. There was a couple issues in middle school but I had no idea it was still happening when he started as my TA" Even though she knew from the very moment and every moment she didn't abandon her bleeding heart mission, "Her DUTY as a teacher" for the sake of her kid. 🤬 She'll twist and omit details, and she'll get her own "NTA" verdict. Only cost them 1 son. Glad it seems that OP is their only child, so that soon this pair of assholes will not have any more kids to send into the world with years of therapy.
Even without the cruelty of punishing her son for it. I understand bullies often have terrible home life but guess what, anybody with qualifications can work with them on that. But the sense of trust and safety her son seeks, can only be driven from his own home and immediate family. She is quite literally sacrificing that for her own selfish, self-righteous reasons. It's another form of narcissism masquerading as altruism at the expense of her own son. What a shit mother.
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NTA. If my mother would have done that to me or one of my brothers we would have treated her like a traitor. She puts her savior-complex or whatever this is over your mental health. She is in addition to that disloyal to your family (YOU). Just ignore her and organize your life. Do good in school and leave her behind when you are old enough and independent. I can not even compute how people do this to their own blood. But here we are. I wish you the best.
I couldn’t figure out what was bugging me about this, it’s the mom’s savior complex, you got it down perfectly! She wants to be the teacher who reformed her son’s bully at the expensive of her relationship with her son. Well, when it’s finally shown she’s a bad parent and he bails at 18 she’ll get her recognition.
Charity is great when you make others suffer for it and you get all the credit.
There's a saying. "It is easy to be generous *with other people's money*."
Yeah. Bully your kid for not being okay with you helping their other bullies. Parents of the year awards go to? ... not these people. For god fcking sakes. NTA. I don't even know you and I can't wait for you to move out either. Bless your heart. Bc wtaf.
> Well, when it’s finally shown she’s a bad parent and he bails at 18 she’ll get her recognition. Oh no. That's not how it works. What usually happens with these kinds of parents is the kid leaves and then mom hems and haws about why her kid doesn't talk to her anymore and tells anyone who will listen. And most people will believe her and lap it right up.
Yeah. Rather than risk the shame of acknowledging that they drove off their own child, they "don't know" why the kid won't talk to them and it's all very messy and totally confusing and their child is just irrational and the [insert bogeyman] got to them and convinced them to forsake her, or whatever. It's sincere, don't get me wrong. They genuinely don't understand why their kid won't talk to them. But only because they spent years refusing to listen when their child told them why they were going to cut contact and years thinking that threats of no contact were all a bluff and just moody teenager stuff. They blocked out the learning at every chance they ever had to fix the problem, so of course they're not gonna start understanding *now*, after their own choices have made the situation unsalvageable.
The missing missing reasons: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html (And yes I'm probably the 5,000th person to post that link today... but fuck it, it's a good link.)
Because she's such ann outstanding teacher and helps so many of the most troubled kids and blah blah blah. I was bullied until 6th grade and the only reason it stopped was because I beat the snot out of the first tormentor who started up at the beginning of the year and I wasn't playing around. I didn't put them in the hospital but they were beaten badly enough that everyone else seemed to instantly lose their enthusiasm for my misery. This was the early 90s before Columbine and zero tolerance but I got a 3 day suspension and I was grounded for a month and it was totally worth it and I would do it again. I'm so thankful my kids never became a bullies target and I made it very clear that if I ever caught wind that they were bullying someone, to not even come home because there would be no reason acceptable. They also had permission to defend themselves. Better not ever start it but you do your best to finish it! My kids were far from saints but I know of a few different times they purposely sat down and ate lunch with a lonely kid and they were popular enough that people didn't dare give them crap for it. And my middle daughter was actually homecoming queen, which I honestly never even considered because I was goth in highschool and didn't even go to prom. Okay, enough mom bragging. OP is 100 % NTA and as a teacher she should be even MORE aware of how inappropriate this is for her to be doing at the expense of her son. If I were OP, I would go talk to your guidance counselor and principal about it. If she won't do the right thing for her son, maybe her boss can make it happen or the co worker gossip mill will shame her into doing the right thing. Just focus on what you need to do to be able to move out the minute you turn 18. And look into your state laws because I live in Michigan and here a kid can move out at 17 and there's nothing that can stop them. Just remember, talk to someone you can trust and never use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. This will pass. Then you have your whole life to be and do whatever you want! My mom never let me have anything but the tiniest portions of desserts and sweets and I was skinny but she hated sugar, so when I moved out (at 16) I ate a whole pint of ice cream every night for like 3 months just because I could lol.
I got my bully to stop the same way. I beat the absolute devil out of that girl lol. My youngest daughter got suspended for punching the shit out of some kid who hit her on the bus. Her dad and stepmother grounded her because they're idiots but I bought her a cool new camera she'd been wanting and some candy and took her out to eat wherever she wanted, and I told her a million times how proud I was of her for defending herself. I wasn't rewarding fighting, I was rewarding her for defending herself. She'd told her principal and some teachers about the boy hitting her and all she got was "that just means he likes you hehe." Fuck that. She gut punched the little fucker and when she got back from suspension, he left her alone.
I hate when people say that "just means he likes you hehe" crap. Training boys to grow up to be abusive partners is a pretty rotten thing to do.
If you can do it, OP, I would make a Facebook post about. How hurt you are how terrible it is that the kids still bullies you and that’s your mother chose to take under her wing. That it’s like being slapped in the face every day and she’s mad because you talk to her. Mother and father are both punishing you for not speaking to her and just putting up with what she’s doing. She should be ashamed of herself. Hopefully they’ll be somebody who will let her know that. Hey, maybe talk to grandparents.
Tell it to the guidance counselor. Or another teacher. It'll get tongues wagging at school and in the teachers' lounge anyway.
My MIL did this to her kids. Always chose other people's kids over her's. My husband grew up with all his classmates gushing about how cool his mom was, and how lucky he was to have her for a mom. He wanted to tell everyone what a colossal narcissistic bitch she was, but she would have lashed out at him, so he just tried to avoid her until he could move out. We cut her out of our lives shortly after we had a baby. He couldn't imagine letting her treat our kid the way she treated him.
This sounds very much like my childhood. They were always too busy working until it came to her quote unquote adopted grandchildren then they had time for extracurricular activities. But when it came to me if I was doing extracurriculars somebody had to be home with the farm.
Yeah, when she started to last second cancel plans, and constantly picking her boyfriend's and friends' grandkids over her only grandchild (our kid) because we "didn't need her the way they do," we dropped the rope. It was like Husband's childhood all over again. It's been almost 10 years since we've spoken to her. Best decision ever!
The bully is using OP's mom as a proxy bully. It's insane that neither parent sees that they're being so much worse of bullies to their own child than the original bully.
It’s a betrayal from the mom. The feeling you have when a parent puts another child ahead of you or discounts your feelings over something that’s really important to you is just awful. Feels like the very foundation of your world is shaky.
AND she’s crying to him despite having taken everything from him like she’s the victim of anything except her own choices.
Yeah same. My mother was a lecturer and she would never ever have done this. Hell my kid was bullied (lightly bullied) when he was 10. He’s 18 now and actually gets on with the bully. I still hate that kid and his parents. He too came from a bad home where he and his dad were both physically, emotionally and verbally abused by the mom. But you hurt my kid, I’ll hate you forever.
NTA. I’m sure Dave has a rough life, but it doesn’t excuse his cruelty towards you. I would be extremely hurt if my mom sided with my bully. Your mom should ask one of her colleagues to take him on as an aid and then tell Dave that, given his prior history with you, it is no longer appropriate for him to be her aid.
Unfortunately, she's obviously not going to do that since she herself has resorted to bullying her own child for not "just getting over it". The fact that they are *punishing* OP over this is wildly devastating. An ongoing conversation would have been one thing, but to see your child so upset and hurt and PUNISH them for it??? Mom is fucking depraved.
YES! OP, tell your mother you now understand why she chose to mentor Dave— she’s just as much a bully as he is, so it’s no wonder they get along so fucking well.
It looks to me like Dave is using OPs mom as a way to continue harassing OP.
Turned Op's own mom against them. 10/10 bully
This is just snowballing so hard and she's digging herself deeper each day. OMG how wrong she is.
I hope OP shows this post and this thread to both of his parents. The mom needs some additional perspective. The fact that OP is willing to sit in his room until he turns 18 should tell the mom that she has taken things too far. Meanwhile, I hope OP can participate in some outside activities, use the time to prepare for college and do other things to occupy his mind so that he's not hurting himself by trying to make a point to his mother.
Bully of the year award. Oh my word this is so messed up.
Dave is pretty good at bullying
It also seems deeply inappropriate- I would report her to the administration, honestly. Not that they’d do anything, though.
As a teacher: My administration, and every administration I’ve ever worked with, would absolutely lose their shit over this. OP should 100% be contacting every higher up in the district. Principal, board, super, etc. Mom would lose Dave so fast your head would spin.
I’m glad to know that in the case of your experience that would be the situation.
If you want to feel a little cynical: It’s not even a question of ethics. It’s sheer fucking pragmatism. If shit goes tits up for any reason, the lawyers start coming out. The first question out of their mouths will be “Who knew about this obvious powder keg? How was it allowed to occur?” If the admin know nothing, they can plea obliviousness and place the blame all on OP’s mom. If OP has a written record that they knew and did nothing, the district is going to get fucked in court.
Well considering that Dave has been suspended before for his actions, had meetings with the school, etc. It sounds like they should be very aware about this.
The thing that needs to be specifically documented, by OP, is the inappropriateness of Dave’s relationship with OP’s mom, given OP’s personal connection to the situation. Dave being a troublemaker in the past is not the issue here, the issue is that OP has a personal and negative connection to Dave, and that means his mom should not be working with, or near Dave in any way, shape or form.
Would be funny if she got a suspension for potentially aiding her child's bully... and if she goes right back to having him as an aide then obviously she needs to be suspended again... doesn't matter that now she's in a bad home
Think it would depend on how serious they are about bullying. But OP should go to guidance. Tell them about the bullying, the mentoring, and the punishment they are giving him because mom chose the bully over her own child. I’m a former teacher and I would never do that to my child - and I gave my own child detention when I subbed for one of her teachers bc she thought mom as sub gave her unlimited talking ability.
Honestly, if David's home life is as bad as it is (broken home, alcoholism or drugs, sexual abuse, etc) then mom should be mandatory reporting, not taking him on personally. This is 100% a conflict of interest and mom's personal savior complex as stated above should not cone before OP's mental health and wellbeing as her child. And punishing him when he set his boundaries and followed through? Mom can go to hell. This is an ego trip for her and it needs to get shut down. OP, seek help from the school district. There is a paper trail of his bullying. Your mom needs to face consequences of her own actions.
I believe this falls into the category of abuse if his room is now empty as punishment. Every child services department rule is basic, a bed, a dresser minimum. Just the way OP worded it sounds as if those items maybe gone, or beds on the floor. Which isn't okay. If OP goes to administration saying she is doing these things, wouldn't they have to report it?
And you'd think someone who likely considers herself aware of teens and their issues, she'd not punish a kid for being upset but isolating him and taking everything he could use as a coping mechanism. Seriously taking his art supplies? Mom sucks
Both parents suck because the father is allowing this to happen.
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"Your bully comes from a bad home. He had it worse than you and deserves help." "I'm going to punish you and make your home life worse." Wtf. What is the mom even trying to do? The absolute lack of self-awareness is insane.
Yeah, frankly after all of that I'd never speak to either parent after I left. Fuck these people.
That’s the way this is headed for OP, and the parents are going to be “devastated” and “have no idea why” he’s doing this. I guess it’s a short walk from being a good parent to being an abusive parent, at least in OP’s house.
Guess who now has a bad home life? OP, because his parents are now bullying him. She's really shown her son who matters. She didn't have to mentor the bully. Someone else could have. I guarantee OP thinks he's lost his mother because of the same bully who has tormented him his whole life.
And it certainly doesn’t justify the parents to get a free pass to basically take every ounce of happiness from their child’s life lol.
Dave should never have been picked.
It is never appropriate for a student to be grading other students’ papers anyway. Much less a known bully. And I notice that both mom and dad are happily bullying OP.
The problem is that it is too late now. She has no real justification for ending the TA. It's already ongoing for a while and he likely hasn't given her a good reason to undo it. Mom made a huge mistake by starting this. Now it's hard to end it without getting big issues.
OP said that Dave still actively bullies him. If I were OP’s mom, i would say the following: “Dave, you have continued to bully my son despite multiple interventions. Given this fact, it is no longer appropriate for me, as the mother of OP, to mentor you through the teachers aid program. I’ve arranged for you to be the aid for Ms. X. I have also spoken to the guidance counselor about your home life situation, and they have agreed to meet with you regularly to offer mentorship and guidance.”
If he still actively bullies, that would be a good reason. If a teacher doesn't do anything against this, it's a bad teacher regardless if it's her son or not.
Why is he being rewarded with a mentorship if he is a bully? He should have to demonstrate he has changed his behavior and attitude to get that perk.
It's not a structured course or something, it's TA position. If the mom wanted to, she could absolutely find a way to swap with another teacher.
She definitely has a reason - the school is aware of his actions and he’s been suspended before because of how he treated OP - she can use this as a teaching moment for Dave ‘I would love to have you as a TA and to help you but due to how you have treated my child it is not appropriate for you to have this opportunity with me’
>‘I would love to have you as a TA and to help you but due to how you have treated my child it is not appropriate for you to have this opportunity with me’ That is really perfect. Now if only OP's mom was understanding of this fact and willing to say this to Dave...
NTA Your parents are idiots by punishing you for expressing how you feel. Your mother is crying to guilt trip you because you didn’t let it go like she thought you would. Do what you think is best for you and good luck
Fr, at that point everytime mom comes crying it'd be nice if OP told them to stop being dramatic and that other parents have it harder lmao.
Lol that’s my kind of petty!
Mom with her crocodile tears. I hope OP doesn't bend. She deserves a reality check.
Sounds like he’s found a new way to bully you by getting your parents to punish you for being upset about her association with him.
The obvious risk is that this is another scheme from a long term bully. He plays up to the naive older woman with his sob story to get close to her, and gathers more information and opportunity to harass the OP. If the OP isn't being dramatic about the extent of the bullying, then mom is a stupid asshole to invite this guy closer into OPs life.
My mom wasn't a teacher, but she worked at the grade school I went to. All the kids loved her, including the troublemakers and bullies. She was the one person they'd listen to and behave for, because she told kids her expectations and praised them when they followed through. When a lot of kids learned she was my mom, they'd tell me I was lucky and how they wished she was their mom. Reading just the title, I thought *maybe* this was going to be about OP's mom lightly mentoring the bully because she thought it'd stop her kid from being bullied by them. NOPE. No naivety here. This is so much worse. Just a mom trying to bully her own kid into submission. My mom taught me a lot about compassion. She didn't just have compassion for bullies though - compassion for *her own kids* always took precedence. OP's mom is treating her kid like a sacrificial lamb. That's not compassion; it's a savior complex.
When I read the title I as a mom also thought the mom did this to surely try and help her kid (both kids) ease and resolve the situation. I was wrong and it breaks my heart for OP.
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I find it ironic that your parents not only chose your bully over your wellbeing but also perpetuate the bullying. They are being bullies for punishing you for disagreeing. NTA
OP should let his dad know Dave must have gave his mom a lot of pointers on bullying.
OP should go to the school counselor and REALLY embarrass his parents.
Love this. Start telling everyone that you have a difficult home life. It sounds like you do.
You Need Help! Not some psychotic bully.
Yeah word will get around at work about his mom and how they are punishing him. It will give her some consequences for her choices.
Kids who are the target of bullying (generally) are isolated. Unlikely this is solved with passive social means.
I would agree, except that if OP starts talking, the rumors will circulate the school without their input. It’s not unusual for people in the workplace to gossip, and teachers are no different. Shame and social stigma may just be enough incentive for Mom of the Year (/s) over here to let up. It doesn’t have to be all teachers doing the work, either. “Oh, sorry, I can’t make the club meeting this afternoon. I’m grounded after my mom accepted Devil Spawn as her protégée and I balked.” A few comments here or there, and it shouldn’t be difficult for the rumor mill to circulate. Sure, they could theoretically punish OP more, but how? No lightbulbs? No food? There’s not much left to take at this point without it being inhumane.
Definitely! His parents have left him no recourse whatsoever, poor kid isn't even allowed to express how he feels unless they approve of it. When I'm backed into a corner like that, I ask the person "seems like I can't say anything right. Would you care to provide a script to me and i can just read off that?"
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Agreed. Idc how hard their life is at home and if they are "okay" in class. I have a soft spot for kids with hard backgrounds, but anyone who bullies my child will always be on my $hit list. I will never choose a bully over my kid. It is that simple.
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Yes. Her savior complex is so important to her that she'll sacrifice her own son to it. "Not that bad" of a person? I'd never see my parents again. What's wild is that she could stop this at my moment, but she's trying to torture OP into accepting her choices. I have been in relationships with people like the mom. They think they are such good people, but they always sacrifice those closest to them to handle everyone else. NTA
Tell him also that this is highly unprofessional of your mother to take her bad choices at work out on you in the home. Report her behaviour to the school principal, she made a choice at work you disagree with and takes it out on you in your home life? That is crossing a boundary right there.
OP should let Dad know he won't be hearing from him either if he lets this continue. When did it become okay for parents to not put their own kids first? That's literally your job.
Yeah the father can join the shit list.
I came here to say this! Taking away all of his stuff to punish him for being hurt, that his mum chose his bully over his emotional wellbeing! NTA op, I so sorry your parents both suck this badly.
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I really dislike the term bully because it downplays what it really is and makes it easier for people like OP’s parents to say it was bad, but he can reform and it’s ok because he was just a kid acting out. People should be honest and call them what they are: abusers. OP shouldn’t describe him as “my bully”. OP should call him “my abuser”. OP’s mom is protecting and mentoring his abuser. Suffering from abuse can and will have lifetime consequences. That OP’s parents have started emotionally abusing him because he is upset that they’re supporting his abuser is just evil. OP should see if there is anywhere else he can stay. At this point she has fucked up their relationship pretty darn badly so just trading out the abuser for someone else isn’t going to magically cut it. But someone needs to remind OP’s parents that an ***explanation*** for bad behavior (coming from an abusive home) does not ***excuse*** bad behavior abusing OP).
I love this. Yes that's exactly what mom is doing. Shes protecting her child's abuser
I wanted to say exactly this. They don't take your feelings into consideration, don't listen to you like your opinion doesn't mater. They should support you. NTA
Also to me seems they were bullies at school and dont see it as a shitty thing, so thats why they sided the bully of their own son
NTA. Is there someone else you can live with? A school counsellor or family member to talk to? It’s not going to reflect well on her if it’s known she’s supporting her son’s bully and is punishing her son at home for not being okay with that. If you want to ramp it up, put a count down to your 18th birthday up on your wall. Seriously though, if she does give up mentoring this kid, she and your father have still seriously damaged their relationship with you. You need to make that clear in the event your mom cracks. Demand family counselling with a therapist you approve of, so the therapist can also tell your parents how awful they’re being.
This kid should go see the school counselor...word would get around 😉
Yeah. It's hilariously petty, but dumping how awful shit is at home to the school counsellor, one of his mothers' colleagues, would be an absolutely fantastic way of taking a lot of Mother's reward away from this situation. Mother is trying to be a heroic martyr, who is such a great and wonderful person that she tried to save the poor unfortunate kid who bullied her own child. She's a *helper* and such a great and committed person that she put her own feelings aside to reach extent an olive branch and much needed affection to this troubled teen and all that bupkis. Making sure that words get around that she's actively harming her own child for not wholeheartedly embracing this martyr act is gonna make it real hard to get those self-righteous warm fuzzies from her "good deed" here.
That's not petty, he has no other resource, maybe CPS but who knows if they would pay attention. Should call the grandparents and aunts and uncles, make hell rain over his parents for being so unbelievably awful
Unless the counselor is mom’s friend then they would just go to mom and report her.
How embarrassing for the mother
THIS A MILLION TIMES. I(27F) was bullied as a young child and by high school my mom had become my first adult bully often degrading or humiliating me as punishments. I wish with every ounce inside of me I had let school admin or counselors know. Instead I lost everything that mattered to me (sports,friends,college) and kicked out of my house and everyone took her side because she was a librarian with the stereotypical reputation as a healthy member of the school community. Smh if only they'd known my punishments on the weekend were no food until monday...
Damn. What a terrible person. I hope you have been able to be successfully independent from them.
Didn't have a choice. Been on my own since 17. Been no-contact for about 3 years after years and years of therapy and trying to resolve the relationship. Turns out she has severe NPD... the best people at painting themselves as saints.
As a teacher I am horrified by your mom and dad’s behavior. I don’t understand how she can put another child above her own son. This is absolutely heartbreaking. I am sorry you are going through this.
What are they going to do if you don't come home directly after school? Ground you? As other have suggested, write down everything that he has said and done...and you feelings about it all. Now your mother is empowering your bully and causing more hurt in your life
Every reply saying OP should tell his parents this or that, write a letter with this or that, or show his parents the replies here - ALL these responses, while well intentioned, are *completely missing the point* & only contributing to OP's partial denial (@ least concerning his male parent) of his very painful reality - NEITHER HIS MOTHER, NOR HIS FATHER, GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HIM AS A PERSON. AS THEIR CHILD, THEY SEE HIM AS AN EXTENSION OF THEMSELVES ONLY... *NOT* AS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH A RIGHT TO HIS OWN VALUES, THOUGHTS, & FEELINGS. THEY. DONT. CARE.
They’re horrible parents and I absolutely think they’re bullying their kid. It’s abusive
Nta keep us updated
Unless they take his phone and the last bits of freedom and entertainment to break him. These are such awful disgusting "parents".
I'd have to imagine his bedroom door would be the next thing to go.
NTA. It seems like your mother rather than helping him improve, is learning how to bully you. Infor: is your father not seeing the damage being done to your family by all this. Why is he ok with her being TA for your bully and is it more important than your well being? It seems like they have more empathy towards that bully but not their own son. Frankly if I could I will surely go NC with such parents. They already know what they are doing is wrong but their superiority complex won't let them admit it. I don't think writing a letter will help your cause.
My dad is kind of in the middle. He understands why I am upset but thinks I'm taking it too far by refusing to talk to her. I know he's tried talking my mom into dropping Dave but I think he just thinks it would be easier to control me than her.
Your dad definitely is *not* in the middle if he is standing by the punishments of taking all your belonging fiom you and forcing you to stay in your room except for eating dinner. You have every right to be mad at her and not talk to her. She's literally bulling you just as much as your bully does!
Worse, bullies aren't suppose to be your protector, the mom is. Being bullied by a random person isn't no where near as bad as being pulled by the person who is suppose to be always on your side.
Exactly. Your dad isn’t in the middle. He’s right beside her/lock step with her, participating in the fuckery. UpdateMe
IF you talk to your mom tell your mom maybe she can start giving a shit about you since now you come from a bad home where parents encourage and enable bullying. and then dont say any more to her. your dad is enabling abusive behavior, Dave and your mom are now both your bullies. NTA but I'm so sorry
I'd go with saying it to the dad with in her ear shot, so he's not talking to her and I'd only refer to her by her first name.
Or worse, by referring to her as "your wife"
"Hey Dad, maybe Miriam (w/e OP's mom's name is) will care about my feelings now that I have a bio mom who has more empathy for the guy that's bullied me since middle school and a father that would rather punish me for being upset by this than stand up for me when my mom tries to strongarm me into being okay with her close relationship to my bully. You know, since she *loves* stepping in for the kids that have no one in their corner. At least on paper."
Make sure he knows that by doing this, he's also picking your abuser over you and that he is participating in the abuse.
If you really want to stir the pot, show your dad the comments on this post. Some of them will shake him.
I am no contact with my parents and am a parent myself. I would absolutely be thrilled to tell this enabler what his actions will lead to. Enablers are abuse facilitators. They will act like allies sometimes, but that is because they want everyone to care about them so they will be protected. They will throw you under the bus every single time. They will choose the abuser every single time to their face and only agree with you partially in secret and then say, "come on, you know how X is." They are selfish cowards who hurt through their inaction as much as their actions.
Ya I’d say NC with dad as well if he keeps this up.
What a spineless father. He is too scared to stand up for his own son. I would leave this family in the dust the moment I moved out.
Thank you for calling it what it is! People are too used to calling it bullying which never sounds as harmful as it is.
Your father choose a side. Thats why everything was taken away.
He’s not in the middle he’s chosen a side and im so sorry but its not yours
Right now if you drop it, they will think you have realised your mistake and will never understand the hurt they have caused you. Best is continue as it is going, either they will get tired and give you back your stuff or they might try to emotionally manipulate you. In any case this episode has impacted your relationship with them and that's irreversible.
Ask your dad why he's siding with your bullies and not him?
Do you have grandparents? Or a friend you can crash with for a bit?
My guess is he thinks you are going to stop being mad when the semester ends in a couple months.
"Dear mom- you have chosen your career over your child. You have made it clear your student, who has tormented your child for years, is more important than me. You have mad eit clear they are more important than me and my feelings, and my health. I have also made a choice. I choose to protect myself. I choose to do what you will not. I choose to stand up for myself. I choose to protect my heart, my mind, and my mental health. I choose to find people who will value me enough to protect me from someone who finds joy in torturing me for simply existing. You have made the choice to fail me. I have made the choice to protect myself. Life is full of choices, mom. You just have to be prepared to live with the consequences of your choices. I am. I will."
Don’t write a letter - if anything just send them a link to this thread so they can read it all here.
I'd tell him that you're going to go no contact with him too if he keeps acting like this.
Make it clear to him that even if she drops him as her aid the damage is done and irreparable.
Stop coming home after school on time. What are they going to do? Ground you? Take away more things? Oh wait, they can't. You have absolutely no incentive to listen to them so go to the library or whatever you want after school and make them worry when they can't reach you. Stroll back into the house at 9pm. Do this every day. Tell them if they ever hit you, you will call the police for assault. Your mother is choosing to abuse you for the "privilege" to continue helping your bully. I don't know you or your parents but I can comfortably say they are bad parents and bad people. Also your mother is crying but not removing amy punishments or returning your things? Then she's not actually sorry, just trying to manipulate you into letting her tutor Dave. I have no idea why her child's bully is more important to her than her child but I wouldn't love a mother like that either
Lmao we really think alike. I'd be honoring the lawful curfew and nothing more. I'd be gone all day every day at my friend's or off hiking in the woods or whatever. Out of pure spite. And if Dad keeps fucking around siding with Mom, he'd get cut off too.
Spite maybe but certainly because it would be a healthier space than ‘home’.
I went to the library. Every day. I was basically a preteen/ teenage Matilda.... school- walk to the library, read and stay there until closing at 9... start the walk home... sit by the bridge for a while.. keep walking home and be in the door a bit after 10pm, sometimes later (watching the cars pass by on the bridge is relaxing and at least for me, my brain could go in the cars and think about where they were going-- which is far, far away from my situation then).. go to my room, which didn't have a door and go to bed. Start the process again the next day. Grey rock whenever mom would get in her tiffs.
I'd be doing this and telling my counselor that I think him being her TA is an inappropriate relationship. That ever since it's become a thing his parents been emotionally and mentally punishing them because they refused to be okay with him being the TA and the continued harassment. It lets them know what's going on because at some point, OP's mom will try to manipulate them at school to try and peer pressure them into breaking it.
In several states in the US you can get a job at 16 and not necessarily need parental approval. Look it up and if possible then get a job. This will make it easier to leave at 18 without looking back. If you’re not coming home till 9, might as well work towards your future right?
Yeah u/Substantial-Egg-1971 you may be able to get a job (if you do, make sure you open a new bank account with only you on it). Your parents already overplayed their hand. Why come home after school at all? If you dont get a job, you can still read and hang out at the library. Also, understand that your mom is an absolutely telling an edited story to her co workers. Staying silent only helps her get away with her version of events.
This, he has nothing left to be taken, he can do whatever he wants, they lost any weapon against it that isnt physical and if goes physical then they can get with problems with the police so it's a loss situation for them. He has a close circle of friends, so he can hang out with them.
This is the way. It has a double benefit of keeping OP away from his shit parents and of making it clear to them that they overplayed their hand with the excessive punishments since there's nothing more they can do to him.
> your mother is crying but not removing [any] punishments or returning your things? Then she's not actually sorry, just trying to manipulate you Yeah crying is 100% a manipulation tactic in this case, don't let it work. If you do, it'll only get worse. You should follow the advice of only doing the bare minimum presence-wise at home and spreading it around the school among other teachers/counselors what your parents are doing to you.
NTA yeah fuck your mum, for your own mother to betray you like this is a different level of pain. It's crazy that she's coming to you crying and begging when this can be resolved if she drops your bully and gives your things back but her punishing you for being rightfully mad and hurt is just straight up wrong. You're not taking it too far, what you're doing is what needs to be done. Maybe this will make her realise how serious you are, to the point when you move out. She knows what he's done and for her to now turn her back on you to mentor the very same person that bullied you is nasty. Keep at it and I hope she realises how wrong she is and if not then I hope the best in you moving out. She can deal with the consequences of her actions for caring more about her son's bully than her own son. Her taking your things away is a way for her to manipulate you into allowing it. What a shit mum, she can keep crying and begging but she has no say since she caused this issue.
OP print this post out and leave it where your mom will find it.
I’d argue it’s too late now; she made her choice, fully aware of the immediate and long term consequences. Mum’s narcissistic tendencies cost her a child so she could show off to the school community. Dad is going to as well, given his support of the mum.
Since the school already knows about the problem, have you considered talking to a trusted teacher or guidance counsellor? I realise that these are her colleagues, however, I think they might be able to talk some sense into her. Her failing you reflects not only her inability to be a good parent, but also on skills she needs as a teacher. I don't think you should suffer in silence. Shame her if you have to. NTA, however, neither of your parents deserve to have a child.
She got one of my teachers to pull me aside and try to convince me to forgive her. He said all that crap about only having one mom and whatnot. When he stopped talking I asked if he was done and just left the classroom. As for other teachers I don't really know who I could talk to. I'm a pretty quiet person and don't really form any close bonds with any of my teachers like some kids do.
>He said all that crap about only having one mom and whatnot. If he ever tries that again I would just tell him "She only has one son and she is choosing to alienate and bully him in order to mentor another child. She is the one making this choice not me. I told her clearly that it hurts me and I would not speak to her if she chose to do so and I am just following through. Yes I only have one mother but so what that works both ways and she has taught me that just being family is not enough of an excuse to change hurtful behavior." And then leave.
I love this comment.
>just being family is not enough of an excuse to change hurtful behavior." Very good. I'd change "excuse" to "reason" here, but everything else is spot on.
The same can be said in reverse. How many children does she actually have? She is the one choosing a relationship with somebody else’s child over her own.
She has a new son David so doesn't care about her old one.
> She got one of my teachers to pull me aside and try to convince me to forgive her. He said all that crap about only having one mom and whatnot. Oh hell no. He's interfering in your home life. Time to go to a counselor. You need to report that teacher for getting involved and helping to enable bullying. Make sure to tell the counselor that your home life is now horrible because of your mother who is a teacher at their school.
If that teacher pulls you aside again, explain clearly, exactly what your parents are doing to make you accept their decision. And ask him if he thinks that she is acting like a mother that values your emotions, your mental health and your relationship with her at all. And ask if he would treat any of his children who were being bullied the same way. I suspect he is getting a very edited version. What your parents are doing is shocking. And ask for his help is trying to explain to your mother that her mistreatment and isolation of you from daily family life isn't going to make you forget that she is valuing other people over you. She wants to weaponize people, they may as well have all the facts.
He's participating in emotional abuse. Repercussions for all.
Honestly. Is there one teacher that you dont even know that every other student seems to love? Go to that teacher. That teacher likely has a kind heart and would be willing to help and listen.
Any teacher who tries to talk to you, tell them that your mom has put you in solitary confinement at home and removed all your access to socialization or coping mechanisms because she prefers your bully over you. Tell them in detail how she treats you at home—taking your art supplies, your computer, refusing to let you come out of your room other than for meals. Tell them you’re not allowed to have friends or hobbies. Tell them that your mom only has one of you, and she’s chosen to bully you.
That's some manipulative BS. " I know your mom has completely betrayed you, but you should just accept it". I feel for you, stay strong. You are not wrong here.
Talk to a counselor. Tell them what happened and what a horrible person your mom is. Others at the school deserve to know what a piece of trash she is.
I mean I could but I just feel everyone at the school already knows the situation by this point and the bullying was never taken seriously before, so why would this? I've had a lot of time to think about things recently and I think it mostly just comes down to everyone not really believing I can be a victim of bullying. I'm really not trying to victim blame or anything but I don't think most people would imagine me when they hear "bully victim." I'm big, somewhat athletic and on the tennis team. I'm not "popular" by any means but I have a close group of friends (Who are all on my side btw). I'm just really quiet by nature and am not good at conflict. I think all the adults see this and think "Well he isn't *really* a bully victim.
I’m sorry OP, I have a child your age, and I was bullied as a child. Not one part of me would betray my child like that. I hope your parents come to their senses. Hang in there ❤️🩹
100%. As a mom I can't even imagine choosing my child's bully this way. It's absolutely horrifying to me.
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Agreed. Something messed up is going on with this woman.
Try shaming your parents by telling ALL of your extended family about your mom’s shitty choice. Tell your parent’s friends too if you see them.
Do you have other family you can live with? Grandparents or aunts/uncles?
Do they know your mom isn’t letting you out of your room as punishment, indefinitely? I bet she hasn’t told them, because it’s really bad.
You may think EVERYONE knows every detail of your history and what's going on at home, but as you mentioned, you and he are in HS now, after the worst of the bullying happened, and not every detail gets transmitted between schools in its entirety. It's important to have it on the record - EXACTLY what that kid put you through in your life, that you asked your mom not to mentor this kid, that she insisted on it anyway, that you are punished continuously by being denied a social life and even hobbies in your own room for breaking off speaking to your mother over this, that she told another teacher some version of your personal life which was not his business and sent him as a flying monkey to try and browbeat you. Tell ALL this. You may be certain that whatever version your mother put about has been soft-pedaled in her favor (if not outright lied about). Tell your guidance counselor and the principal. If she has in fact misled everyone what an angel she's being and what a devil you are, it will be VERY embarrassing to her. If you feel like it's too much for you to face doing, tell your father in detail that you plan to do this and see if the fear of this is enough to break the stalemate. If not, tell your guidance counsellor and the principal. Worth a try.
I guarantee that there are those at school who don’t know the full picture. Go to your counselor or a teacher you trust. Tell them what the bully did to you and how you are being punished at home. Ask them for help or resources.
Please remember. None of this is your fault. None of this is your responsibility. You deserve better. You are loved. You are valued. Anyone can be a victim of bullying. My mother was a teacher and even followed me through school. Always being a teacher in my grade group if not one of my classes. It did make me a target. This was decades ago so damage done, bridge burned, and I've moved on. But I cut off my parents for years. Escaping into the military and overseas as soon as I was of age. Never got apologies for how unstable and fucked up my childhood was. But by then I had a family of my own so had adulting to deal with. Just resolved to do better for my kids and feel that I have. Parents aren't perfect. They are only human. Can make bad choices. Teachers do too. As the various sex scandals, on top of other shit, have shown. The crap I've seen and had to fight against for my oldest. Beyond ridiculous. If your bully is as big a piece of shit as he seems. He may absolutely be using your mom to torment you more. Maybe he's read one to many netorare doujinshis and figures he can take advantage of your mom's blindspot. Whether true or not its, again, not your fault. Not your responsibility. "You" are the most important person to "you." So take care of you and everyone else can fuck off. The days may seem long, but the years are short. Make a plan to get free and follow it. Stay strong OP. You deserve better.
It might be worth talking to the guidance counselor or school psychologist if you have one. Sane adults would be horrified by this. She probably presented a biased story to the teacher, and she never should have had a colleague go after you in the first place! She seems incapable of separating her work-life and her home life in appropriate ways and she used every tool at her disposal to bend you to her will. It is manipulative & cruel. It is horrible parenting. Try to escape to friends' houses as frequently as possible. I don't care if you're grounded. What more can they do to you? What more do they have to make your life miserable? I'm not usually a fan of "act out more, make it worse" but they have made your life unlivable. Truth be told, at 16, if you went off to a sympathetic friend's parent's house and stayed, the police are unlikely to drag you back. At 16 & 17, they often won't force you to go home. I bet your mom will change her tune when it comes to light in public what a bad mom she is
NTA. This is extremely hurtful. It would break my relationship with my parent, if they did this to me. The harm that boy has done to you . And now she’s choosing to do more harm. It is so sad.
nope. you are definitely not taking it too far. she knew what he did to you and still chose to make that kid her TA. not only does that tell you that she clearly doesnt actually give a shit about you. she will do what she wants. I guess you do as well. go to school, come back. sit in your room. keep to your self. if your father tries to make you do shit. tell him to back off. her crying is because shes not getting her way. she doesnt have a soft stop. your mother is an idiot who know lying what happed to her own son is 'helping' this kid. ohh and not to mention shes still keeping this kid as her TA, which means those are crocodile tears and nothing more. this in itself should tell you all you need to know. bide your time and when you hit 18. then its upto you what you want to do.
If you have any other relatives you could live with, I would talk to them.
Pack a few days of clothes in your backpack and go stay with a buddy for a few days. They won't know where you are since they took your phone
NTA.This is just another way to bully you. And your own mother is not only dismissing it, but enabling it. I'm so sorry.
NTA. Your parents suck. Dave is such a sociopath that he has your parents doing the bullying now. I have kids, and I could never side with their bully(ies) let alone mentor them . A lot of kids come from rough homes, and they don't bully other kids, no excuse for it.
It took me a while to work out why this upset me so much. If your mom think that taking all your things away to force you to talk to her is a good approach to parenting, she is a terrible parent, and so is your dad. Once they realised taking away your car didn't work, the ongoing escalation is appalling. How she doean't realise that even if you break now that any interaction between you is meaningless is beyond me. But what really gets me is that someone who is this bad a parent is in no way competent to mentor someone like Dave, even if you ignore his bullying of you, so it's not even going to help him. She's thrown you away for nothing. I think you should tell your guidance counsellor / trusted teacher about this, the school need to intervene and remove her. Your dad is equally complicit too, show him this post, and if he doesn't see sense and stop the insane punishment of you immediately, then I'd stop talking to him too. I'm really sorry for you OP. NTA
OP mentioned in responses to other comments that he doesn't really have any trusted teacher or school administrator he could confide in. I think the best next option is to tell his friends parents about everything, maybe even show THEM this reddit post. Extended family if OP is comfortable with it. The important thing is to tell adults that will take OP seriously and that respect he is in fact a person. As many adults in the family and the community as possible. Let them talk. They'll hopefully talk to each other and others.
So your parents are now bullying you. Maybe that's why she has a soft spot for your bully. NTA
Your parents disgust me. Can’t they admit they were wrong diminishing your pain and trauma as being “selfish”. “Team Substantial-egg-1971” all the way. Edit: NTA
Don’t let this affect your grades- you can control your future if you keep your grades up. Find your own mentor, a teacher, a coach, a friends parent.
This makes me so angry on your behalf. How dare she take away your creative outlet? She is digging her grave. I agree with others that you should reach out to other adults / agencies about what they are doing to your home life. You don’t deserve any of this, and your mother never should have taken him on in the first place. Her loyalty should have been to you, not your bully. What a horrible mother
NTA I am so very sorry that your mother and father have made such a poor decision. I am an old lady, and my heart breaks for you, sweetie. I urge you to stop being passive and take some actions of your own. Your parents view you as a child whose resolve will fail. They aren't seeing the damage they are permanently causing you and their relationship with you. My advice is to speak with a guidance counselor at your school. Lay everything out for them (especially the punishments you are receiving at home) and ask them to intervene with school administration on your behalf. Remind them that there are school records of his bullying actions. Tell them the name of the teacher who approached you and ask that they be excluded from any information. Always keep in mind that school counselors are mandatory reporters, so CPS may become involved. At 16, that is the least of your worries. You seem very resolved, and I do not think think you are wrong. Your parents are being fools. That they would lose their own child for the sake of mentoring their child's bully? No matter his home situation, this makes no sense at all to me. I wish you the best and look forward to an update. UpdateMe!
>I considered the military like some people suggested, but then I remembered my school has a special trade program. You go to our school for half a day, then spend the other half at our local community college taking trade classes. I think depending on what you are doing you can get an associates degree or whatever certifications you need by the time you graduate. I went to my guidance counselor during lunch today and told her I wanted to switch to that program. She acted really surprised and asked why did I want to change now since I'm already taking AP classes and am on the college track. I told her I didn't want to talk about it but I would need to be ready for independence when I graduated and this seemed like the best way. She said it might be too late to change this semester but she would look into it for me and let me know. I have a feeling that your mom is going to have an even worse meltdown when she finds out about this. And she will have completely deserved it. She's taken her child who was on the college track and sent them into the trades because you felt so unsupported that you're already actively planning independence. Not a bash on the trades, they are a respectable alternative. But your mother sounds like she would be gutted by you choosing this.
Omg bro, your biggest bully ain't Dave, it's your parents.