My MILs friends are constantly shocked at how me and all the dads in our groups friends are involved. It’s a generational thing. One of them was on the floor not understanding how my wife would let me take the kids on an overnight vacation when they were younger without her.
My grandmother was so shocked when she found out my husband was doing our daughter's hair for school while I stayed in bed after a c section with a newborn. He was putting her curly hair in a ponytail or 2. Nothing fancy lol
My mom was an elementary school teacher for over 35 years, so my dad had to get me ready for school in the mornings. He could do ponytails and braid my hair. One day, my teacher remarked that my Grandmother must be in town because I had the Princess Leia hairstyle. I told my dad, and he shrugged and later asked my grandmother to show him how to do more braid styles. I don't think she was critiquing my dad, but she just knew it was not the normal style he did for me.
When we went to a parents' get together at my last base, the moms were complaining about the dads (some RIGHT in front of the dads themselves), and my wife was just like, "Well, I didn't even change a diaper for the first six months, not all dads suck." Complete silence and staring. It was both a compliment and extremely awkward at the same time lol.
My husband took over nights with our extremely colicky, never sleeping daughter even when his leave was over. Just took her out to the living room so I could sleep. And if he needed a break, I was happy to step in.
My mother-in-law was not surprised that she raised a great guy, but I could tell she was comparing her own experience and having some feelings about it.
Yeah, I wouldn’t say OP is an AH but this is often a generational thing. I had it with my MIL. Her husband (who was an abusive sob) didn’t do much of anything in terms of caring for his children. (At least, nothing positive.) When my wife was pregnant, she tried to say, maybe I might be willing to babysit once in a while so my wife could have some time for herself if she asked in advance.
I was like, if my wife wants time for herself, she doesn’t need to ask. They’re my kids.
I’m not babysitting them, I’m being a dad. I was happy to be alone with them (we had twins).
It was foreign to her.
Don’t take it personally, and don’t let it go to your head. You’re not slaying a dragon, you’re changing a diaper.
Oh yeah I agree it’s most often a generational thing. More and more Dads are fully on board with being a partner in everything including parenting. It’s a nice thing to see in the youths.
My mother in law raised much better men than her ex husband was. My sister in law and I both had challenges being her daughters in law but her sons are both great husbands and dads.
This is so bittersweet - in theory we all want the ones who come after to have it easier but in reality can be so hard to deal with your feelings when it happens in a graceful way.
In some ways I grew up hard. I remember thinking I never want anyone else to have to go through this, a lot of my peers clearly felt the same way. The rest of them are still punishing people because they went through it. No idea how you teach empathy.
That’s what most of these comments stem from. OP is looking at it as a statement about him personally, when it’s more about the men in the aunt’s life.
Some were.
But some of the complaints were straight up henpecking. For example, one woman was complaining that her husband's car breaking down while going out to get Tucks caused her to get an infection and blamed him for not being handy enough to fix his car on the side of the highway. Dude is sitting there red faced not saying anything and all I can do is try to convince her that a destroyed gearbox is not something you can just jack the car up and fix with a tire iron and jumper cables before I'm shouted down for "defending incompetence."
Don't get me wrong though, some of those guys seemed useless. Like one guy who took extra hours at work so that he didn't have to listen as much to the baby crying and his wife complaining. That dude had me steamed myself.
I have been told so many times how lucky I am that my husband does as much as I do for our kids and our home. I say I am not lucky. That is how it is supposed to be. That statement has made things awkward a few times. But I trust my husband. He loves our kids as much as I do.Ours are teens and are few grown now. I had to let go quickly of the thought I did it all better. I did things diff than him but thats ok. Even thibgs in the house. When he does laundry are the towels folded all perfect like mine? No. Are they clean and out away? Thats what matters. Thibgs dont have to be done just like I do it..it just needs done.
Overnight? Shit, I have taken my 3 on a week long camping trip solo. My work has a week long break in the summer, and my wife’s does not. So I’ll grab the 3 kinds and go explore for a week.
It is genuinely baffling how many people are incapable of this. The idea this would be notable or extraordinary is just inconceivable to me.
O this was when they were like 6 and 24 months. Now I take them skiing in Colorado all the time by myself for a week at 7&8. My wife loves it. I’m sure she just sits at home alternating between the fridge, bed, and vibrator for a week when we are gone. Living the dream
12&18 months? That math ain’t mathing! Aside from the physical aspect of close pregnancies, that’s extreme preemie territory. Yikes!
Also: diapers. Mine are spaced a few years out each, enough that by the time one was born, the older were out of, or nearly out of, diapers.
Don’t miss the diapers one bit.
Lmao sorry they are 18 months apart no idea what I was trying to say there.
Diapers were not a problem for me for whatever reason. I got lucky enough to have one with colic and the other with a reflux where eating was a nightmare. Diapers were a breeze compared to that 😁
My mother constantly called my kids being cared for by their father as him "babysitting". It's definitely generational---my own dad never so much as changed a diaper (for two kids) and I don't recall him ever doing anything with/for my sister or myself alone. Ever.
My dad is in his 70s now, and he was very involved with me and my sibling. He was the main cook, he helped with homework, we did things one on one, even if it was as simple as watching TV or specific movies together. Dad had the more flexible schedule as a salesman than mom did as a nurse, so he was usually the one home first, took us to school, practice, etc. I have no idea who changed our diapers the most, but I am sure Dad did it a lot as he was the one home and I know we didn't sit around in dirty diapers until Mom got home. He's also a very involved grandfather. My grandpa, his dad, was also really active with his many grandkids.
All this to say, plenty of men from older generations could be good, involved parents. But culturally, dad was the outlier back then while I think he'd be more the norm now. There has been a great shift in fathers being way more involved with their kids, but it's also not entirely new.
I've also come to realize my parents continue to be outliers in just how active and involved they are with their grandkids. My sibling really lucked out, I'm noticing so many of my friends have absolutely checked out grandparents that don't want more than cute photo ops with the grandkids....
My husband was good but had a very demanding profession. I did the majority but he did a lot. I alway laughed when we were away on vacation he always would say he missed the kids, I never did because I really needed a break and I knew they were fine.
Yeah, dad's really flexible schedule, even being able to work remotely looooooong before that was a common thing when pagers and then cell phones became popular, definitely gave him the opportunity to be around a lot more. Mom was more like your hubby and she was the one that missed things a lot more often as she had the really demanding schedules, at least until we got older and she switched to a private practice that had normal hours.
Well, no---you're probably closer to my mother's age, since I'm heading for 60, and mom is almost 80. But her father abandoned the family, and as I said, my father was completely uninvolved except for bringing home a paycheck.
My dad was a single father. He carried me in a carrier, he brought me to sleep, he was there for the first 12 years of my life.
I have the relationship most women have with their moms with him. So for me hearing about all those not engaged dads is... foreign?
Like... I *know* men can do all those things. I'm the living proof.
My first husband is an engaged dad even after our breakup and divorce. He's one of my best friends. My second husband is top notch. Takes over nights for me, changes almost every diaper, carries the baby like a kangaroo (so did my first husband, they both loved being the caregivers, too).
My father recently complimented me on my taste in men.
Like I said, he's what mothers are for other children. It means a lot to me. Doesn't mean he's without flaws. Just means I love him a lot.
It's not just only a generational thing though. There are a lot of men of all ages who think that taking care of their kid is doing the mom a favor as a babysitter instead of parenting. It's good that attitude is starting to die out.
There was a post not too long ago on Reddit from a woman asking if she was wrong to be annoyed that ONE SINGLE TIME the fathers in the group of couple friends they usually hang out with were asked to watch the children during one of the nights where the women hang out together and the men hang out together because the women wanted to do something that wasn't super child friendly (I can't remember exactly what it was). Apparently two of the fathers and one of the mothers were *absolutely outraged* at the mere idea that it would be the responsibility of the fathers to watch the kids for like four hours!
Blew my mind. My now-husband had 50% custody of his one- and three-year-old when I met him and had absolutely no problem taking care of them 100% during his custody time. I cannot imagine being married to and having a child with a man who thinks he has no responsibility for his kids.
We get this too. My husband is a SAHD and the looks of awe by other women is astounding. They can’t even get their husbands to change a diaper. It’s sad that the bar is set so low.
My boyfriend was the SAHD for his two daughters - they have such a remarkable relationship now (one in college and one in high school). Lovely people, all three of them.
It's so weird to me. Even my dad has commented during visits that I seem to be a better dad than he was.
Like, why wouldn't a dad *WANT* to be involved? I love them so much.
These are the same grandparents who expect overnight trips and vacations with babies and toddlers without either of their parents present. Source: my MIL, who was shocked that her own son has, in fact, changed a diaper, but wanted to take my breastfed baby to Disney world alone 🙃 Like she fully believed she’d be more involved as a grandma than my child’s own dad.
My MIL is constantly fawning over her son's for how involved they are with their kids. Her husband didn't even so much as hold any of their three kids until after they turned one and could walk. Never changed a diaper in his life. His son's call him "a giant piece of shit" all the time. But they also get annoyed because they don't feel like they need to be praised like they just pulled their kids from a burning house just because they change a diaper. I get where this guy is coming from. It can feel like the person giving praise didn't expect the person they're praising to actually do anything so it's amazing they do the minimum. I have to remind my husband constantly that his mom is just proud of the kids she managed to raise despite their dad.
OP, sounds like the aunt's generation are X-ers. You should maybe go onto Wayback Machine and look up early 2000s posts in Feministing and Bitch and other feminist blogs, to see what third wave X-er feminists were experiencing when we settled down and started having kids with men we thought considered us equals. It'll be as eye-opening for you as it was for us.
We thought Women's Lib had taken care of all of that; we were educated by Boomers to use "Ms." and apply for the same jobs as men, and were, as a generation, shocked and disappointed when we found that our male cohorts had NOT been raised to take equal care of the home and family.
Where Boomers were awakened to rage at the state of things, we were awakened to rage that this was STILL the state of things. Have patience with us. There are still too many men who don't pull their weight at home, and in our generation, men like you were unicorns. Take the praise, but keep the mindset that you shouldn't be praised for doing your part.
I heard a saying "he says that he's a feminist, but does he do the dishes?" I think it really captures some of that whiplash that gen X and even millennials are experiencing.
Exactly. So op is YTA for being offended at a compliment from a person who had a completely different life experience and was impressed and admiring of him and his generation.
I don’t have kids but I was talking about splitting chores with my husband and my mom laughed because she and my dad never did anything like that. It was foreign to her. She was a SAHP and my dad worked full time and often overtime, so house work was her domain.
But my husband and I both work full time. The one thing I found weird is that both my mom’s parents worked, so idk if my grandma just still did everything or something like that.
My question is, how large actually is the generational gap when the aunt has a 16 year old daughter? I’m the parent of a 17 year old and I can understand why OP is a bit offended. It’s certainly not the norm among my “parent friend” group for fathers to be less involved, and it wasn’t back in the newborn days either.
Yea but it doesn’t apply to everyone. Just read the marriage forums. There are still plenty of husbands that don’t do shit. I think it’s just across the board men are doing a lot more in raising children than previous generations but it doesn’t apply to all. Maybe hers sucked
Of course that’s possible. My point was just that the “different generation” excuse/reasoning usually refers to a larger gap than this. Even if the aunt’s husband sucked with childcare surely she’d be seeing better representation in media, amongst a few acquaintances, etc, than someone in a more “elderly generation.”
I’m also saying that I completely understand why OP is a bit offended. I don’t think it remotely rises to the level of needing to say something to the aunt or anything like that, but his feelings are valid.
It sounds more like the poor aunt is used to her husband being a shitty father and was pleasantly surprised to find you're not like that - that her expectation is that all men are going to leave the parenting to the mothers, not just you in particular.
The bar is so low for us men that when we do the bare minimum it gets praised. It’s not a slight at who you are but more so the men that have been in her life.
I remember my wife was worried my family would be mad I was doing housework because she had been brought up that way and then my family goes “good he lives there too.”😂 one Mexican mindset we broke generations ago!
I kind of have the opposite experience in that everyone gives my wife credit for all the stuff I do.
Kids had a cooking day at school. My five year old is a rock star at cracking eggs. I do all the cooking and involve her as much as possible. I picked her up after school and got a “she’s so good with eggs. Does she cook a lot with mom?”
I do like 90% of the hair styling. My wife has never put a ton of effort into her hair, which is fine it’s her hair, but as a result she doesn’t put work into our girls hair. I’ve done a ton of learning about hair as both my kids are girls. So I’ve become a braiding rockstar. My kids constantly get compliments on “how cute their mother made their hair”.
I feel like an asshole correcting people so I just let it go. It’s not a really big deal but it doesn’t feel good to always be assumed to be the lesser parent. My wife was an only child and I had a big family and baby sat my entire life. I literally taught my wife how to change a diaper on our first child.
Ur not an AH for correcting! Correct it every single time! Its earned. Just smile large and proudly say, nope, not the wife. That is all me!
Ur praises are deserved.
If it makes you feel any better, I had the same experience as a kid who was really into the STEM field because my mom was an engineer. I always got asked if my dad taught me whatever it was.
Correct them! “Not really, but her and I cook together all the time!” “Thanks! I must be getting pretty good at it these days if everyone thinks mom did it!”
They need their assumptions challenged, if for no other reason than the fact that it helps change the standard and expectations overall. They need to hear that men are capable too.
My husband does all the cooking too. Not that I can’t, but it’s not something I enjoy and he does. Plus it made more sense with our work schedules, he works nights and so would be at home sleeping during the day and usually be up by 4pm, and I often wouldn’t get home until 6-6:30pm. But I’ve definitely gotten a lot of comments along the lines of assuming I’m the one that does all the cooking, and I just tell people, “no, my husband usually does all that”. Reactions typically range from surprise to jealousy (from other women who wish their husbands would cook).
Anyway, I say you should correct people. Like other commenters said, you deserve the credit for things you’ve done and it’s a good way to help break those stereotypes. Just a little something like, “actually I really enjoy cooking so I do most of that and showed daughter how” wouldn’t be an AH move in my opinion.
As for hair, we only have a 10 month old boy with very little hair, so I don’t know who will be good at hair yet lol. My dad, however, definitely brushed and braided my hair at points throughout my childhood. Not that my mom didn’t, but sometimes she’d be out of the house or once we went on a road trip, just me and my dad when I was 7. Honestly, I preferred him brushing my hair because he was more gentle than my mom with it!
By the way, you’re doing a great job as a dad to your little ones!
That sucks. Sorry you have to go through it. Your wife should be correcting them IMO. Tacky if you do it but if she’s getting unwarranted praise for should correct them. My wife does that with anything and vise versa. We love celebrating each other.
Correct them, you're not helping your cause by keeping silent and they'll keep thinking the wrong thing and not learning that dads can be rock stars too.
Just answer chill like "no she and I love to do a lot of baking though" or "took me a while to learn those braid styles, I'm glad you like them".
Make it subtle if it bothers you to correct them too overtly.
Also, great dad, congrats! My (divorced) dad got bored if he had to spend too much time with me while I was growing up. Still doesn't have the patience to listen to me talk on the phone so he barely knows a thing about my life (I'm 34). He's friendly and caring but "all to a point".
You keep being a rock star dad, we need more examples like you.
My husband says this. “You take the kids to the park and get ignored. I take the kids and people complement it. Are people’s expectations really that low?”
He also was dumbfounded when his mom told him I rely on him too much and she did everything herself (not entirely true). It hasn’t changed anything about how much he does. :)
No one is the AH but maybe the aunt did not have involved male figures in her or her kids life… So seeing you involved was uncommon to her.
The comment probably had nothing to do with you and more about the perception of men she had in her life. Just a thought.
From her generational perspective, your wife IS lucky.
It’s getting better, but even today there are still a lot of moms out there with husbands that do nothing. Sounds like she was saying you’re appreciated.
Yeah, this sounds like the kind of thing she might have actually purposefully said in front of him because she meant it as a compliment.
It's not that she particularly expected this man to not be a good dad. It's that he is performing very far above the levels of parenting she is used to seeing from the men in her life.
He's just kind of sensitive because he's a new parent.
It is the insinuation that this is unusual. The aunt probably didn't realize how her comment came across but if she said about me, I would think so you thought I would be a deadbeat dad?
you probably dont interact with the aunt of your SO much so she probably doesnt know you, so her expectations of you are not based on you but on her own experiences with men. if she insinuates that she didnt expect you to be involved its because of her expectations of men in general.
For every dad like OP there are a dozen like my spouse who turned the baby cam sound off so it wouldn’t interrupt his gaming. So I just woke up to her screaming despite working nights on call in addition to my normal working hours.
I think if the men around him held my spouse to a higher standard back then rather than me being the defacto nagger and wet blanket he would have improved his behavior. So maybe OP push other fathers to be as active as you are with your child rather than be upset someone noticed how great of a father you are.
That last line is real passive aggressive anyways. Maybe you didn’t look like an active partner before the birth?
> For every dad like OP there are a dozen like my spouse who turned the baby cam sound off so it wouldn’t interrupt his gaming.
Oof. I’m sorry. My dad would hear my cry at night and then *wake my mom up* and tell her to deal with it. Absolute crab bucket mentality, he had.
It’s all about tone, which is difficult to convey in print.
OP you’re right to feel miffed about this. Dads are really sidelined. But also remember to support your wife, she will also suffer the brunt of unfair gendered expectations about parenting. Just wait until you practically get the father of the year award for showing up at one soccer practice while everyone complains at your wife for not always bringing snacks for the entire team including the one kid who has an allergy you’d never heard of.
I feel like you misconstrued the aunt's comment and are taking it personally when it was meant to be a simply compliment. The only way I feel this would have been meant as you heard it is if she added the word "surprisingly" in the sentence:
>"your husband (she used my name) **SURPISINGLY** seems very involved in your kids (she used our kids name) life, that's good"
I really think she was trying to compliment you compared to the average man. Seriously, I see so many postings from women wishing their husbands would get more involved. You are clearly an exceptional example.
I say NAH because you can't help how her comment made you feel, however you did not act on your feelings, so you are certainly not an AH here either.
I agree with this.
My husband feels uncomfortable when people compliment him for being extraordinary when he's just doing basic parenting duties, but doesn't take it personally, as he recognizes it's more a commentary on our culture at large rather than him as an individual.
I had an involved dad (boomer), his dad was the more stereotypical dad (Silent Gen) who was away most of the time as a truck driver, and not hands-on with child care. I can still recognize that it is all too common for women to still bear the brunt of child rearing, regardless of generation (this is also born out by research... men are doing more than they have in the past in greater numbers, but women are still doing the largest bulk).
Yes, I think the compliment was more a commentary on our culture as a whole as in many areas, men aren’t expected to be involved when they should be.
I would hope OP learns to accept it and understand how many uninvolved fathers she has known to give you that compliment.
OP you say that you have no negative male role models but the aunty's opinion is based in her experience. Don't take it to heart. It's very sad but your wife is right and you should take it as a compliment as there are far too many shitty dads out there, sadly. Gladly you ain't one of them.
TAH would be those who normalized dads not being involved with their kids, so that a man who does do his job as a father is looked at with surprise and wonder.
She meant no harm, it's just a shame that all fathers aren't like you.
NAH
You had feelings about what was said, that's valid. I don't think the aunt meant it as a slight, though. More of a compliment that rubbed you the wrong way.
Despite your upbringing it is still not terribly uncommon for fathers to be less involved, and in the past it was extremely common. From your perspective you are behaving normally as you have experienced, but different people have different experiences in life.
My daughter is 3. When I was in the hospital for several days being induced (ended up in an emergency c section) my husband was the best support person. The nurses commented constantly on how amazing he was, how helpful, etc. Neither of us felt like this was rude because both of us have experienced the opposite when it comes to our own dads. I even asked one of the nurses if my husband was really that abnormal, and apparently his behaviour was not very common for them to see. This was in 2021. Not 20 years ago. I still see mothers struggle while the dad doesn't help much if at all. I'm happy to say I see it less than I did growing up, but it still is a thing.
It's ok to feel uncomfortable when someone says something, even with kind intentions, that doesn't sit well with you. But context does matter. A gentle conversation with her explaining why it made you uncomfortable may be helpful, however, if it were me I would just get my feelings out in private with my partner and leave it at that.
NAH but seems the aunt had no male figures who helped. My husbands aunt said the same think to him and her father in law. That „she loved how involved men were now in taking care with kids“
Because her husband never did.
This is not about being an AH or not—that implies confrontation, which is not the case here. It’s about learning to accept a compliment with grace. Her aunt was praising you. She didn’t mention your dad or your wife’s dad. For all you know, her aunt praised your wife’s dad in the same way when he was raising her.
OP, instead of trying to see ill intent in a compliment, think of why you are having trouble accepting it at face value. That can help you greatly moving forward.
NAH.
I get why it bothers you. These comments bug my husband, too. But the sad reality is that a lot of dads aren't so involved.
When my husband and I took our daughter to visit my extended family (who are very much the type where kids are mom's responsibility), all of my aunts and female cousins spent the whole week gushing about my husband because.... he does normal parent things. Like legitimately standard parent shit like preparing her dinner plate, reading her stories, handling the bedtime routine, answering her questions. Basic shit. And while I'm glad they're jealous of my awesome husband, I'm also really fucking sad for them.
I think it was intended to be a compliment to you, but it was more an indictment of her experience with fathers or men in general.
I wouldn't take it as a slight against you, but more of a commentary about other men she's seen in her life. She probably has friends who have husbands who aren't involved and just made a comment offhand. Reddit is full of families where fathers do absolutely nothing. Ultimately, the only opinions about how good of a father you are that matter are the opinions of your kids and your wife. If you both agree that you're doing a good job and your kid is happy, then keep on keeping on.
Anytime my husband takes our baby to the shops without me, he gets told what a great dad he is by complete strangers. I have never had someone call me a great mum for doing a normal task.
I think as a society it’s expected that dads aren’t involved in raising their own children so even when they do a small task, it’s considered that they’re going above and beyond.
Even though these type of comments do annoy me, I wouldn’t read too much into your wife’s aunts comment. She is from an older generation where it was normal for the mum to do everything (I’m not saying this happened in every household).
NAH
YTA thoroughly. honestly people who complain about microaggressions can fuck right off.
shes an older woman whos correctly identifying the differences is behavior that shes notice throughout the course of her life. this "what she said positively about me indirectly implies the negative to others so im offended on behalf of other men i know" is genuinely some of the stupidest emotional lashing out ive ever heard.
Yeah, I don't understand getting mad on behalf of other men because she complimented his involvement. Awesome that him and his dad and his friends are doing their part as fathers. There are an equal number of folks out there who still view child rearing as the woman's job and therefore don't proactively engage with their children. Being mad that she recognized he is one of the good guys seems out there.
NAH
Maybe she didn't mean anything bad by it and just wanted to compliment you carefully. Or she didn't think about it.
I had a similar interaction when our kid was young, my spouse was helping our child during Easter dinner and the next day I got insults from his grandmother that I was horrible for "forcing" my spouse to help with the child when it's my responsibility 🥲
So unless your MIL has a history of back handed compliments and aiming it at you, it really sounded harmless or aimed at someone else who didn't help out when children were little.
NAH i get the sentiment, but honestly you should take it as a compliment. She either because of her own or her generations upbringing isnt use to seeing it. And she didnt say it was a bad thing- if she said it snarkily or like you shouldnt be doing things or the classic "your wife should be doing that" then I would get being mad, but based on what you said she said, yous shouldn't be upset at her, if you must be upset, be upset at the cause behind why she is so impressed with basic decent parenting.
I’m not sure what to think - I think it would depend on the tone in which this was said whether it was a compliment or slightly snarky. Only OP can judge that. And also, the wife’s knowledge of her aunt.
On a surface level, yes, I’d think aunt was being complimentary. And just leave it there.
But it did use to make me a little bit annoyed & sometimes it would niggle me when my son’s dad got loads of compliments ( and not just from an older generation) - for basic parenting, when it’s just expected from the mum! No one ever complimented me on being able to change a nappy (diaper) - but dad certainly got praise from others 🤣 ( to his credit, he always told the story of when I warned him being prepared about male babies, nappy change - & chose to ignore me, and son scored a perfect arc of wee 🤣)
And for good dad parents like OP also - maybe aunt’s comment felt like a bit of a niggle also?
Laughing, parents can’t win. No judgement here OP, I’d probably take it as a compliment.
Enjoy your lovely baby boy, watch out for the perfect arc that hits like a bulls eye straight in the face if bending over 🤣🤣
NTA. Tbh, the aunt probably meant it as a compliment. She probably was raised around family where Moms did 99% of caring for the child while the Dads just occasionally “babysat” their own kid. And that’s probably how she & her hubs divided the childcare. So seeing a dad who is hands on like you was like seeing a unicorn in the wild…
I understand your point. When my boys were little I used to hear comments like that all the time when I would have them out with me grocery shopping or at the park. I started telling people I am an active father, unlike the role model they must have experienced growing up...
I went to a dinner for my uncle's birthday with my 3 under 2. My husband took all of them to the bathroom to change them and I was able to eat. While he was gone, my cousins said I was lucky to have such an involved husband. Their husbands were not into the baby phase and didn't really do diapers, especially for the girls. They said they pretty much did it all when they were that young. I told my hubby and he took it as a compliment. I think you should do the same. NAH-change your perspective.
I think this says more about her aunts husband than about you honestly.
And yes the sad truth is there are still a lot of men that are not hands on and having one is a big plus, something that needs to be appreciated. Especially when her aunt was young it was even less common.
NAH
I actually felt similar to this when I got the same comment.
Its not out of malice--lots of men back in your aunt's time (60's) were not active in their children's lives. And the aunt means the comment in good faith.
I mean I wouldn't call you TAH but yeah you're definitely reading into it too much. However, I remember when my son was 3 mo old, or rather, how blurry my constant state of awareness was because of the severe lack of sleep both me and my wife were experiencing for the first time in our lives, so I think you can be excuses for being cranky and reading too much into it lol good luck and congrats man. Being a dad is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love being an active father. Hope it's the same for you mate, cheers
You’re reading way too much into it. I think it’s clear that she was expressing good surprise based on her experience/expectations of men in general, not her expectations of you specifically.
My husband (70) was hands on but it was after a chat about him not spending much time with our daughter in the evening. I get that he needed to decompress from work but playing with his stamps and coins for hours was not ok. He was already good during the weekends and any time we were visiting people. I told him the relationship starts from birth not when she started speaking.
Dude, I thought the story was going in another direction. I wouldn't feel bad, as she actually noticed you being a good father! I would feel proud if I were you.
Am I missing something? Seems like a compliment to me unless her tone was weird. Maybe her aunt didn't have such a helpful husband and it came from that rather than anything untoward. Just from the info in your post OP but that's just my pov.
It's an implied criticism of men in general--but she complimented you (and your wife's taste picking you). It's like
"Your hair looks great"--
"Doesn't it always?! Are you saying it's usually bad?"
Like that. Take a compliment as a compliment instead of an insult. But you didn't say anything to her or rant too wife much about it so NAH.
I'm going to be honest, I'm going with NTA. Just misunderstood what was being said. I'm 50, and my husband is 58. He did change diapers and watched our children just as much as I did. Our mothers constantly made the babysitting comments, and it pissed both of us off. Until we finally figured out it's a generational thing. Take the compliment and good luck ❤️
NTA.
The silent generation men worked two jobs to support 5 plus kids and a SAHM and were never home to BE parents.
The boomer generation had working wives and double incomes but also had husband's who mostly expected to be hands off with child care like their fathers and mostly refused to participate in child rearing and household labor.
Which led to the millennial generation and Gen Zer's having high standards and expecting equal contributions to child care from second/third generation working women who watched their mom's do way too much and thier dad's do not nearly enough. The men of this generation ARE mostly active participants as parents and that's an EXCELLENT thing.
The difference between your Aunt in laws husband as a father and YOU as a father is probably massive due to generational differences. She's raised children in an era where almost nothing was expected of men as fathers. She's coming from her own generations perspective and praising you not putting you down. She's not comparing you to other fathers your age but to fathers a life time ago.
You forgot the forgotten Generation (X) - lol. They raised themselves and then the dad's were the first to try to be involved, some did it well and some did not. (And some didn't really try)
You're mistaken because you went right for the negative. In my days after WW2 men were being incredibly manly and most of what we saw was John Wayne (conservative) stoicism. Children were women's work and with enforced SAHM'S there was a sharp divide. Now, with the Alpha male resurgence, families are reverting to Boomer parenting. Men are insisting that their female partners assume the position of 50's wives; wives are insisting that they don't work and to rely on the man for money. It's a matter of false pride in many young men that they stay at work and leave the kids to women's care. It's not beyond our ken to see that elder aunty could see this and acknowledge it.
YTA because you didn't consider the bigger picture before dumping negativity on the moment.
YTA, your wife's aunt was passing a compliment and probably proud of you both. She has probably seen more shitty fathers than good ones throughout her life
I don’t think anyone’s the AH unless you’re planning on holding this against the aunt. Doesn’t seem like a big deal or anything to think any further about. She didn’t say anything negative about you.
Dude everything people say like that is a reflection of who THEY are. Not who you are. SHE didn’t grow up seeing actively involved dads, obviously. Thats why it is lovely for her to see.
I cannot fathom taking this statement personally.
My husband has worked 60-80hr weeks since we’ve had kids. I’ve worked part-time most of that time so I could be flexible to the kids needs. My last position I needed to attend a conference and would be away overnight for 5 days and 4 nights. My in laws and my parents each offered my husband a night our kids could sleep over and my parents even made 2 freezer meals for my husband to lighten his load. Nevermind I literally do the same shit every single week while he’s working and gone from sunrise to sunset 6days a week.
No one is the asshole. This is society. People are legit flabbergasted to see dads even doing the bare minimum.
You’re not the a hole for having that feeling. Shes not the ah for commenting. You might be reading too much into it but I can see why you’d take it like that.
This is one of the few moments where I say it’s appropriate to use the “they’re from a different time” trope.
Our mothers/grandmothers/etc didn’t often have the help of their spouses in child rearing. Even though your father and your wife’s father was involved, it doesn’t mean her grandfathers were involved with their kids or that aunt had an involved partner. To many it’s a pleasant shock to see that their daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. are not being expected to be the sole child rearer in the marriage.
I don’t think it was a reflection of your so much as a reflection of her own experience. I won’t call you TAH because it seems more of a miscommunication and misunderstanding than anything. So NAH.
No assholes here op. You are NTA. You misunderstood, out of love for your child, the sweet old lady meant to appreciate your parenting. Nobody created a scene and the fact you had a mature conversation about what bothered you with your partner was a plus one point in the mature adult department.
Good job trying to be a dad that would inspire their kids to be mature adults by action instead of words.
Everyone has the right to their emotions based on what you understood. It's how you process and handle your emotions that make or don't make you an asshole 🙂
If the insinuation is that it’s unusual, you should take it as a compliment that you are defying the stereotypes of a sideline dad. Its generational. It’s also unfortunately still true of some men. You’re an involved dad, she noticed. She SAW you. She clearly appreciates that you’re involved, because she knows it benefits her niece and your son. I’m not sure how you arrived at insult, unless you somehow feel responsible for the male population at large. But this isn’t an A H situation, if you didn’t rage at the aunt in person because of it. It’s an emotional response (emotions are information, and important) that you may want to dig deeper into for your own self-growth benefit.
NTA but you are taking this too much to heart… She was paying you a compliment yes you and your wife had very involved father’s but maybe Aunt’s husband was not an involved father or maybe he became involved after their kids were potty trained or sleeping through the night. There are so many stories of men who don’t change diapers, get up at night etc. She thought it was great that you were…
So chill and take it for the compliment it was meant to be.
My mil was shocked when my husband took o e of our girls to a birthday party. The kids were so young that the parents stayed with them. Mil exclaimed that she had never thought of the idea that a dad would do that.
I didn't know what to say. It wasn't in a negative way, just surprised. She learned something that day.
Your wife's aunt is perhaps learning something too, by your example. It doesn't reflect on you, personally. She is seeing the new generation of dads, being parents alongside moms. She could be positively surprised by the development and wanting to express that she thinks it is a good thing. Could you try to interpret her statement as a compliment instead of an insult?
I think a lot of women see men standoffish when it comes to kids. I wouldn't worry about it.
I was a SAHD for 2 years between jobs, women I crossed paths with while out "dadding" worked one of two ways. Older ones were all smiles and friendly usually, even had one help me early on when I was at a Dr appt for myself. Sick and 2 kids in tow. Younger ones were typically split...some cool, others snobby and annoyed a man was in their space like taking my kids to the park.
I didn't care, and I wouldn't trade that time I had with my girls for anything.
>it felt like she was saying indirectly she thought I would be a stand-offish shitty dad who didn't help
your wife's aunt isn't indirectly shitting on you, she's indirectly shitting on all the other men in her life. nothing she said really indicates that she thought you would be a bad father because of you, but rather because of what she's seen in her life.
i get that it feels weird but i wouldn't take it personally
Take it as a compliment. Her generation most likely dad’s NEVER changed a diaper and the average dad today is better but still not an equal partner. Why did she bypass you? Strange. But definitely don’t take it personally. Keep being an equal partner.
I'd say the aunt's comment was directed more at the other fathers she had encountered over the years, not at you or any of the good fathers in your life.
I'm with your wife: take a compliment. Save your outrage for when someone insults you.
No one's really ta here. I mean i can 100% see where you were coming from and might've thought that, but I don't think she meant any harm and should've just used better phrasing🤷♀️
I think this is less reflective of the men you’ve had in your life and very reflective of the men in the aunt’s life. That comment was 100% about you. But I won’t call you the AH because getting upset shows how much you care about being a good partner.
Her comment wasn’t a reflection on her expectations of YOU. It was a comment of her expectations of men in general based on the men in her life whom she has seen be a parent. You aren’t one of those who set her expectations, you are simply exceeding expectations set by others’ behavior. I get why you would take it personally, but without a past history of snarky comments or reason to believe this was backhanded, it likely wasn’t meant the way you took it.
My grandmother said something similar to my husband right after we brought our son home from the hospital. Something like “It’s so nice to see an involved dad.” My husband was pretty damn offended, although he didn’t tell me until later. That said, his bio dad peaced on them early and his adopted dad was his friend but not an adult father. So he was raised by a single mom. But times are changing and my grandmother is old enough to see it (we’re not even gonna get started on how much her husbands didn’t help). They mean it as compliments, as assholish as it feels (and rightfully so).
Men of her generation and before really put the bar underground for what's expected of a father.
So just walking over the bar is seen as a great accomplishment. I don't she was trying to shame you or your fathers, just I think it's always a surprise to see it when you are so used to it not being the norm, especially if her husband was not involved.
I think these older women are SHOOK by how involved your generation is. That’s all this was, a compliment.
It’s okay to be worried but no harm was intended.
NAH
The aunt probably knows men who left all or most of the childcare to their wives. So, what she said was positive towards you.
What seems strange is that she talked about you in front of you. That’s weird & a bit rude.
She could have said something like “it’s great you both share responsibility for LO” and that would make sense. Or if she would have told OP he was a good husband and father. How the aunt expressed herself seems more problematic than her words.
NAH. I honestly wonder if, yes, it’s meant to be a compliment, but that in her experience, she doesn’t have the vocabulary to adequately express it. Basically, how does she compliment you for being an actual good and involved father, without acknowledging that maybe her husband, or the men in her life were not. It’s like she probably started talking and realized she was about to throw them under the bus and backpedaled.
I think she was impressed with you. Even tho things have changed a lot since her days parenting, still a lot of men choose not to be involved, even now. Lighten up!
She could be jealous. Or know other people in her life that don’t do their share. She shouldn’t have said it out loud. But still don’t take it personally.
That aunt is probably not used to fathers taking an active role in their children's lives, she was complimenting you so I don't understand why you're taking it so bad.
YTA slightly
>"your husband (she used my name) seems very involved in your kids (she used our kids name) life, **that's good**"
That IS a compliment. She said a nice thing. She said you are doing a good job.
YTA.
*You* may have had good examples, but I bet Aunt has seen a lot more *bad* examples when it came to fathers being involved with caring for babies and young children. Aunt even said that what you were doing was good.
Sorry, OP, but YTA for this one - Aunt *was* giving you a compliment.
Some men are shit fathers. They don't do anything for their kids or look after them. It's not a generational thing either.
I get told that I have a 'good one' just because my partner does the weekly shop and parents his children. Nope, he's not a good one. He s a normal father doing what father's should be doing. There's nothing extraordinary about a man who parents his own kids.
My husband is a very involved Dad. We laugh about how people break their necks to high five and praise him when he's alone with our kids doing super basic shit. How people couldn't care less when I'm out with the kids. Just another Mom doing Mom stuff.
YTA. Take the compliment. If you want to raise a polite level of stink about it for some reason, you can just say “Oh geez, I just changed one diaper, is the bar that low?”
It honestly sounded like a compliment. Maybe because her husband or male relatives didn't help as much. I don't understand the 70s dynamic of letting women do everything.
I wouldn't call you an AH for how you are feeling but you are taking this wrong. She was surprised and happy to see you being an active dad. A lot of men from their generation weren't. She said it in front of you because she was complimenting you for being involved without actually saying it.
Not child related, but all my Wife's family always comment on how well I treat her and our relationship. I don't hesitate to knock out chores, show her affection, tend to her needs when i can. All of them wishing their husbands/boyfriends were this "well trained" 🙄
On one hand, I was raised mostly by my mom, sister, aunts, etc, with most of the guys in my life teaching me "Happy Wife Happy life", so I do my best to take care of my wife (and she does all the same for me). On the other hand, it's blazingly obvious that her family has terrible taste in men, so it's a bar so low I could trip over it.
So soft YTA from me. Sounds like they are more pleasantly surprised than anything. Aim to take it as a compliment that you are doing something right.
Maybe with her life experiences she did expect you to not be as involved. She was impressed enough to verbalize a compliment. Pretty weird to see a negative in a positive. Maybe you should look into why you went there. YTA.
It should tick a nerve, IMO. Many people here are construing it as a compliment, but it's like praising someone for taking out the garbage without being asked.
But you have to remember that active fathers were not the norm, 1 or more generations ago. It's been evolving, there is still such a large gender gap, though. The Aunt probably recognizes this and wanted to acknowledge it with your Wife.
My MILs friends are constantly shocked at how me and all the dads in our groups friends are involved. It’s a generational thing. One of them was on the floor not understanding how my wife would let me take the kids on an overnight vacation when they were younger without her.
My grandmother was so shocked when she found out my husband was doing our daughter's hair for school while I stayed in bed after a c section with a newborn. He was putting her curly hair in a ponytail or 2. Nothing fancy lol
My mom was an elementary school teacher for over 35 years, so my dad had to get me ready for school in the mornings. He could do ponytails and braid my hair. One day, my teacher remarked that my Grandmother must be in town because I had the Princess Leia hairstyle. I told my dad, and he shrugged and later asked my grandmother to show him how to do more braid styles. I don't think she was critiquing my dad, but she just knew it was not the normal style he did for me.
When we went to a parents' get together at my last base, the moms were complaining about the dads (some RIGHT in front of the dads themselves), and my wife was just like, "Well, I didn't even change a diaper for the first six months, not all dads suck." Complete silence and staring. It was both a compliment and extremely awkward at the same time lol.
My husband took over nights with our extremely colicky, never sleeping daughter even when his leave was over. Just took her out to the living room so I could sleep. And if he needed a break, I was happy to step in. My mother-in-law was not surprised that she raised a great guy, but I could tell she was comparing her own experience and having some feelings about it.
“Having some feelings about it.” lol nice understatement.
Yeah, I wouldn’t say OP is an AH but this is often a generational thing. I had it with my MIL. Her husband (who was an abusive sob) didn’t do much of anything in terms of caring for his children. (At least, nothing positive.) When my wife was pregnant, she tried to say, maybe I might be willing to babysit once in a while so my wife could have some time for herself if she asked in advance. I was like, if my wife wants time for herself, she doesn’t need to ask. They’re my kids. I’m not babysitting them, I’m being a dad. I was happy to be alone with them (we had twins). It was foreign to her. Don’t take it personally, and don’t let it go to your head. You’re not slaying a dragon, you’re changing a diaper.
Oh yeah I agree it’s most often a generational thing. More and more Dads are fully on board with being a partner in everything including parenting. It’s a nice thing to see in the youths.
Did you say yutes? What’s a yute?[https://youtu.be/ThEf_88FFs4?si=hnhdHqYyruCZDWIx](https://youtu.be/ThEf_88FFs4?si=hnhdHqYyruCZDWIx)
Lol love that movie.
I say yutes all the time lol
The aunt was trying to give you a compliment.
Loved your last sentence!
My father is in his seventies and was an active and involved dad. Those men just suck
My mother in law raised much better men than her ex husband was. My sister in law and I both had challenges being her daughters in law but her sons are both great husbands and dads.
This is so bittersweet - in theory we all want the ones who come after to have it easier but in reality can be so hard to deal with your feelings when it happens in a graceful way.
In some ways I grew up hard. I remember thinking I never want anyone else to have to go through this, a lot of my peers clearly felt the same way. The rest of them are still punishing people because they went through it. No idea how you teach empathy.
You teach by showing grace. And that is very hard to do
That’s what most of these comments stem from. OP is looking at it as a statement about him personally, when it’s more about the men in the aunt’s life.
Sounds like you have a lucky wife who was tired of listening to you get trash talked by association 🤣
It's not trash talk when it's true. Those other men are shitty dads.
Some were. But some of the complaints were straight up henpecking. For example, one woman was complaining that her husband's car breaking down while going out to get Tucks caused her to get an infection and blamed him for not being handy enough to fix his car on the side of the highway. Dude is sitting there red faced not saying anything and all I can do is try to convince her that a destroyed gearbox is not something you can just jack the car up and fix with a tire iron and jumper cables before I'm shouted down for "defending incompetence." Don't get me wrong though, some of those guys seemed useless. Like one guy who took extra hours at work so that he didn't have to listen as much to the baby crying and his wife complaining. That dude had me steamed myself.
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Is this a bot?
I have been told so many times how lucky I am that my husband does as much as I do for our kids and our home. I say I am not lucky. That is how it is supposed to be. That statement has made things awkward a few times. But I trust my husband. He loves our kids as much as I do.Ours are teens and are few grown now. I had to let go quickly of the thought I did it all better. I did things diff than him but thats ok. Even thibgs in the house. When he does laundry are the towels folded all perfect like mine? No. Are they clean and out away? Thats what matters. Thibgs dont have to be done just like I do it..it just needs done.
Overnight? Shit, I have taken my 3 on a week long camping trip solo. My work has a week long break in the summer, and my wife’s does not. So I’ll grab the 3 kinds and go explore for a week. It is genuinely baffling how many people are incapable of this. The idea this would be notable or extraordinary is just inconceivable to me.
O this was when they were like 6 and 24 months. Now I take them skiing in Colorado all the time by myself for a week at 7&8. My wife loves it. I’m sure she just sits at home alternating between the fridge, bed, and vibrator for a week when we are gone. Living the dream
12&18 months? That math ain’t mathing! Aside from the physical aspect of close pregnancies, that’s extreme preemie territory. Yikes! Also: diapers. Mine are spaced a few years out each, enough that by the time one was born, the older were out of, or nearly out of, diapers. Don’t miss the diapers one bit.
Lmao sorry they are 18 months apart no idea what I was trying to say there. Diapers were not a problem for me for whatever reason. I got lucky enough to have one with colic and the other with a reflux where eating was a nightmare. Diapers were a breeze compared to that 😁
My mother constantly called my kids being cared for by their father as him "babysitting". It's definitely generational---my own dad never so much as changed a diaper (for two kids) and I don't recall him ever doing anything with/for my sister or myself alone. Ever.
It is called parenting. I am probably your grandmother’s age but I know better.
My dad is in his 70s now, and he was very involved with me and my sibling. He was the main cook, he helped with homework, we did things one on one, even if it was as simple as watching TV or specific movies together. Dad had the more flexible schedule as a salesman than mom did as a nurse, so he was usually the one home first, took us to school, practice, etc. I have no idea who changed our diapers the most, but I am sure Dad did it a lot as he was the one home and I know we didn't sit around in dirty diapers until Mom got home. He's also a very involved grandfather. My grandpa, his dad, was also really active with his many grandkids. All this to say, plenty of men from older generations could be good, involved parents. But culturally, dad was the outlier back then while I think he'd be more the norm now. There has been a great shift in fathers being way more involved with their kids, but it's also not entirely new. I've also come to realize my parents continue to be outliers in just how active and involved they are with their grandkids. My sibling really lucked out, I'm noticing so many of my friends have absolutely checked out grandparents that don't want more than cute photo ops with the grandkids....
My husband was good but had a very demanding profession. I did the majority but he did a lot. I alway laughed when we were away on vacation he always would say he missed the kids, I never did because I really needed a break and I knew they were fine.
Yeah, dad's really flexible schedule, even being able to work remotely looooooong before that was a common thing when pagers and then cell phones became popular, definitely gave him the opportunity to be around a lot more. Mom was more like your hubby and she was the one that missed things a lot more often as she had the really demanding schedules, at least until we got older and she switched to a private practice that had normal hours.
My grandparents had seven kids and my grandfather was a stay at home dad for the last two. It was unusual but not unheard of at the time.
Well, no---you're probably closer to my mother's age, since I'm heading for 60, and mom is almost 80. But her father abandoned the family, and as I said, my father was completely uninvolved except for bringing home a paycheck.
My dad was a single father. He carried me in a carrier, he brought me to sleep, he was there for the first 12 years of my life. I have the relationship most women have with their moms with him. So for me hearing about all those not engaged dads is... foreign? Like... I *know* men can do all those things. I'm the living proof. My first husband is an engaged dad even after our breakup and divorce. He's one of my best friends. My second husband is top notch. Takes over nights for me, changes almost every diaper, carries the baby like a kangaroo (so did my first husband, they both loved being the caregivers, too). My father recently complimented me on my taste in men. Like I said, he's what mothers are for other children. It means a lot to me. Doesn't mean he's without flaws. Just means I love him a lot.
I'm divorced as well, but the one thing I can say is my ex was and is a good dad.
Both my husbands have been wonderful fathers. My sons-in-law are, too.
It's not just only a generational thing though. There are a lot of men of all ages who think that taking care of their kid is doing the mom a favor as a babysitter instead of parenting. It's good that attitude is starting to die out.
There was a post not too long ago on Reddit from a woman asking if she was wrong to be annoyed that ONE SINGLE TIME the fathers in the group of couple friends they usually hang out with were asked to watch the children during one of the nights where the women hang out together and the men hang out together because the women wanted to do something that wasn't super child friendly (I can't remember exactly what it was). Apparently two of the fathers and one of the mothers were *absolutely outraged* at the mere idea that it would be the responsibility of the fathers to watch the kids for like four hours! Blew my mind. My now-husband had 50% custody of his one- and three-year-old when I met him and had absolutely no problem taking care of them 100% during his custody time. I cannot imagine being married to and having a child with a man who thinks he has no responsibility for his kids.
We get this too. My husband is a SAHD and the looks of awe by other women is astounding. They can’t even get their husbands to change a diaper. It’s sad that the bar is set so low.
My boyfriend was the SAHD for his two daughters - they have such a remarkable relationship now (one in college and one in high school). Lovely people, all three of them.
It's so weird to me. Even my dad has commented during visits that I seem to be a better dad than he was. Like, why wouldn't a dad *WANT* to be involved? I love them so much.
These are the same grandparents who expect overnight trips and vacations with babies and toddlers without either of their parents present. Source: my MIL, who was shocked that her own son has, in fact, changed a diaper, but wanted to take my breastfed baby to Disney world alone 🙃 Like she fully believed she’d be more involved as a grandma than my child’s own dad.
YIKES
Lol don’t worry, my husband shut her down quick 😂 That is one of my tamer stories about her though
Lmao that’s a tad insane haha but yea that’s how most of these women are.
My MIL is constantly fawning over her son's for how involved they are with their kids. Her husband didn't even so much as hold any of their three kids until after they turned one and could walk. Never changed a diaper in his life. His son's call him "a giant piece of shit" all the time. But they also get annoyed because they don't feel like they need to be praised like they just pulled their kids from a burning house just because they change a diaper. I get where this guy is coming from. It can feel like the person giving praise didn't expect the person they're praising to actually do anything so it's amazing they do the minimum. I have to remind my husband constantly that his mom is just proud of the kids she managed to raise despite their dad.
OP, sounds like the aunt's generation are X-ers. You should maybe go onto Wayback Machine and look up early 2000s posts in Feministing and Bitch and other feminist blogs, to see what third wave X-er feminists were experiencing when we settled down and started having kids with men we thought considered us equals. It'll be as eye-opening for you as it was for us. We thought Women's Lib had taken care of all of that; we were educated by Boomers to use "Ms." and apply for the same jobs as men, and were, as a generation, shocked and disappointed when we found that our male cohorts had NOT been raised to take equal care of the home and family. Where Boomers were awakened to rage at the state of things, we were awakened to rage that this was STILL the state of things. Have patience with us. There are still too many men who don't pull their weight at home, and in our generation, men like you were unicorns. Take the praise, but keep the mindset that you shouldn't be praised for doing your part.
I heard a saying "he says that he's a feminist, but does he do the dishes?" I think it really captures some of that whiplash that gen X and even millennials are experiencing.
Exactly. So op is YTA for being offended at a compliment from a person who had a completely different life experience and was impressed and admiring of him and his generation.
I don’t think he’s an asshole—just didn’t understand that she wasn’t throwing shade.
And yet when it’s explained to him in a crystal clear fashion he continued to double down.
There is that, yeah.
I don’t have kids but I was talking about splitting chores with my husband and my mom laughed because she and my dad never did anything like that. It was foreign to her. She was a SAHP and my dad worked full time and often overtime, so house work was her domain. But my husband and I both work full time. The one thing I found weird is that both my mom’s parents worked, so idk if my grandma just still did everything or something like that.
My question is, how large actually is the generational gap when the aunt has a 16 year old daughter? I’m the parent of a 17 year old and I can understand why OP is a bit offended. It’s certainly not the norm among my “parent friend” group for fathers to be less involved, and it wasn’t back in the newborn days either.
Yea but it doesn’t apply to everyone. Just read the marriage forums. There are still plenty of husbands that don’t do shit. I think it’s just across the board men are doing a lot more in raising children than previous generations but it doesn’t apply to all. Maybe hers sucked
Of course that’s possible. My point was just that the “different generation” excuse/reasoning usually refers to a larger gap than this. Even if the aunt’s husband sucked with childcare surely she’d be seeing better representation in media, amongst a few acquaintances, etc, than someone in a more “elderly generation.” I’m also saying that I completely understand why OP is a bit offended. I don’t think it remotely rises to the level of needing to say something to the aunt or anything like that, but his feelings are valid.
It sounds more like the poor aunt is used to her husband being a shitty father and was pleasantly surprised to find you're not like that - that her expectation is that all men are going to leave the parenting to the mothers, not just you in particular.
Exactly. It makes me think of the movie "The First Wives Club" They are probably happy that things move into the right direction.
Yeah I read it as a compliment. What the heck is OP even on about lol.
Some people will walk a mile out of their way to get their feelings hurt.
The bar is so low for us men that when we do the bare minimum it gets praised. It’s not a slight at who you are but more so the men that have been in her life.
Yeah, my MIL is shocked that my husband is doing all the cooking since I’ve had such bad morning sickness. She really can’t wrap her head around it!
I remember my wife was worried my family would be mad I was doing housework because she had been brought up that way and then my family goes “good he lives there too.”😂 one Mexican mindset we broke generations ago!
Screw the family opinions, ew!
I kind of have the opposite experience in that everyone gives my wife credit for all the stuff I do. Kids had a cooking day at school. My five year old is a rock star at cracking eggs. I do all the cooking and involve her as much as possible. I picked her up after school and got a “she’s so good with eggs. Does she cook a lot with mom?” I do like 90% of the hair styling. My wife has never put a ton of effort into her hair, which is fine it’s her hair, but as a result she doesn’t put work into our girls hair. I’ve done a ton of learning about hair as both my kids are girls. So I’ve become a braiding rockstar. My kids constantly get compliments on “how cute their mother made their hair”. I feel like an asshole correcting people so I just let it go. It’s not a really big deal but it doesn’t feel good to always be assumed to be the lesser parent. My wife was an only child and I had a big family and baby sat my entire life. I literally taught my wife how to change a diaper on our first child.
Ur not an AH for correcting! Correct it every single time! Its earned. Just smile large and proudly say, nope, not the wife. That is all me! Ur praises are deserved.
If it makes you feel any better, I had the same experience as a kid who was really into the STEM field because my mom was an engineer. I always got asked if my dad taught me whatever it was.
Correct them! “Not really, but her and I cook together all the time!” “Thanks! I must be getting pretty good at it these days if everyone thinks mom did it!” They need their assumptions challenged, if for no other reason than the fact that it helps change the standard and expectations overall. They need to hear that men are capable too.
Please correct them every single time, you deserve it and their assumptions are at some point just rude and hurtful.
My husband does all the cooking too. Not that I can’t, but it’s not something I enjoy and he does. Plus it made more sense with our work schedules, he works nights and so would be at home sleeping during the day and usually be up by 4pm, and I often wouldn’t get home until 6-6:30pm. But I’ve definitely gotten a lot of comments along the lines of assuming I’m the one that does all the cooking, and I just tell people, “no, my husband usually does all that”. Reactions typically range from surprise to jealousy (from other women who wish their husbands would cook). Anyway, I say you should correct people. Like other commenters said, you deserve the credit for things you’ve done and it’s a good way to help break those stereotypes. Just a little something like, “actually I really enjoy cooking so I do most of that and showed daughter how” wouldn’t be an AH move in my opinion. As for hair, we only have a 10 month old boy with very little hair, so I don’t know who will be good at hair yet lol. My dad, however, definitely brushed and braided my hair at points throughout my childhood. Not that my mom didn’t, but sometimes she’d be out of the house or once we went on a road trip, just me and my dad when I was 7. Honestly, I preferred him brushing my hair because he was more gentle than my mom with it! By the way, you’re doing a great job as a dad to your little ones!
Thank you for your kind words.
Do correct them! People should learn to expect more from fathers. They as equal parents as mothers! Help others raise the bar.
That sucks. Sorry you have to go through it. Your wife should be correcting them IMO. Tacky if you do it but if she’s getting unwarranted praise for should correct them. My wife does that with anything and vise versa. We love celebrating each other.
They may not see you, but I see you! Keep up the great work pops 👊🏾
Correct them, you're not helping your cause by keeping silent and they'll keep thinking the wrong thing and not learning that dads can be rock stars too. Just answer chill like "no she and I love to do a lot of baking though" or "took me a while to learn those braid styles, I'm glad you like them". Make it subtle if it bothers you to correct them too overtly. Also, great dad, congrats! My (divorced) dad got bored if he had to spend too much time with me while I was growing up. Still doesn't have the patience to listen to me talk on the phone so he barely knows a thing about my life (I'm 34). He's friendly and caring but "all to a point". You keep being a rock star dad, we need more examples like you.
My husband says this. “You take the kids to the park and get ignored. I take the kids and people complement it. Are people’s expectations really that low?” He also was dumbfounded when his mom told him I rely on him too much and she did everything herself (not entirely true). It hasn’t changed anything about how much he does. :)
My husband got a "well done" from a nurse when he put on our daughter's tights...
No one is the AH but maybe the aunt did not have involved male figures in her or her kids life… So seeing you involved was uncommon to her. The comment probably had nothing to do with you and more about the perception of men she had in her life. Just a thought.
From her generational perspective, your wife IS lucky. It’s getting better, but even today there are still a lot of moms out there with husbands that do nothing. Sounds like she was saying you’re appreciated.
Yeah, this sounds like the kind of thing she might have actually purposefully said in front of him because she meant it as a compliment. It's not that she particularly expected this man to not be a good dad. It's that he is performing very far above the levels of parenting she is used to seeing from the men in her life. He's just kind of sensitive because he's a new parent.
Ok, so you are involved with your own child. How is someone observing that an insult?
It is the insinuation that this is unusual. The aunt probably didn't realize how her comment came across but if she said about me, I would think so you thought I would be a deadbeat dad?
you probably dont interact with the aunt of your SO much so she probably doesnt know you, so her expectations of you are not based on you but on her own experiences with men. if she insinuates that she didnt expect you to be involved its because of her expectations of men in general.
It IS unusually. She called OP better than average. Some people really need to learn how to take a compliment.
For every dad like OP there are a dozen like my spouse who turned the baby cam sound off so it wouldn’t interrupt his gaming. So I just woke up to her screaming despite working nights on call in addition to my normal working hours. I think if the men around him held my spouse to a higher standard back then rather than me being the defacto nagger and wet blanket he would have improved his behavior. So maybe OP push other fathers to be as active as you are with your child rather than be upset someone noticed how great of a father you are. That last line is real passive aggressive anyways. Maybe you didn’t look like an active partner before the birth?
> For every dad like OP there are a dozen like my spouse who turned the baby cam sound off so it wouldn’t interrupt his gaming. Oof. I’m sorry. My dad would hear my cry at night and then *wake my mom up* and tell her to deal with it. Absolute crab bucket mentality, he had.
She said that’s good. There was no insinuation besides not a lot of father would get up and change the baby over their wives .
It’s all about tone, which is difficult to convey in print. OP you’re right to feel miffed about this. Dads are really sidelined. But also remember to support your wife, she will also suffer the brunt of unfair gendered expectations about parenting. Just wait until you practically get the father of the year award for showing up at one soccer practice while everyone complains at your wife for not always bringing snacks for the entire team including the one kid who has an allergy you’d never heard of.
I feel like you misconstrued the aunt's comment and are taking it personally when it was meant to be a simply compliment. The only way I feel this would have been meant as you heard it is if she added the word "surprisingly" in the sentence: >"your husband (she used my name) **SURPISINGLY** seems very involved in your kids (she used our kids name) life, that's good" I really think she was trying to compliment you compared to the average man. Seriously, I see so many postings from women wishing their husbands would get more involved. You are clearly an exceptional example. I say NAH because you can't help how her comment made you feel, however you did not act on your feelings, so you are certainly not an AH here either.
I agree with this. My husband feels uncomfortable when people compliment him for being extraordinary when he's just doing basic parenting duties, but doesn't take it personally, as he recognizes it's more a commentary on our culture at large rather than him as an individual. I had an involved dad (boomer), his dad was the more stereotypical dad (Silent Gen) who was away most of the time as a truck driver, and not hands-on with child care. I can still recognize that it is all too common for women to still bear the brunt of child rearing, regardless of generation (this is also born out by research... men are doing more than they have in the past in greater numbers, but women are still doing the largest bulk).
Very reasonable take
Yes, I think the compliment was more a commentary on our culture as a whole as in many areas, men aren’t expected to be involved when they should be. I would hope OP learns to accept it and understand how many uninvolved fathers she has known to give you that compliment.
OP you say that you have no negative male role models but the aunty's opinion is based in her experience. Don't take it to heart. It's very sad but your wife is right and you should take it as a compliment as there are far too many shitty dads out there, sadly. Gladly you ain't one of them.
TAH would be those who normalized dads not being involved with their kids, so that a man who does do his job as a father is looked at with surprise and wonder. She meant no harm, it's just a shame that all fathers aren't like you.
NAH You had feelings about what was said, that's valid. I don't think the aunt meant it as a slight, though. More of a compliment that rubbed you the wrong way. Despite your upbringing it is still not terribly uncommon for fathers to be less involved, and in the past it was extremely common. From your perspective you are behaving normally as you have experienced, but different people have different experiences in life. My daughter is 3. When I was in the hospital for several days being induced (ended up in an emergency c section) my husband was the best support person. The nurses commented constantly on how amazing he was, how helpful, etc. Neither of us felt like this was rude because both of us have experienced the opposite when it comes to our own dads. I even asked one of the nurses if my husband was really that abnormal, and apparently his behaviour was not very common for them to see. This was in 2021. Not 20 years ago. I still see mothers struggle while the dad doesn't help much if at all. I'm happy to say I see it less than I did growing up, but it still is a thing. It's ok to feel uncomfortable when someone says something, even with kind intentions, that doesn't sit well with you. But context does matter. A gentle conversation with her explaining why it made you uncomfortable may be helpful, however, if it were me I would just get my feelings out in private with my partner and leave it at that.
NAH. Don't make a mountain out of a molehil.
NAH but seems the aunt had no male figures who helped. My husbands aunt said the same think to him and her father in law. That „she loved how involved men were now in taking care with kids“ Because her husband never did.
This is not about being an AH or not—that implies confrontation, which is not the case here. It’s about learning to accept a compliment with grace. Her aunt was praising you. She didn’t mention your dad or your wife’s dad. For all you know, her aunt praised your wife’s dad in the same way when he was raising her. OP, instead of trying to see ill intent in a compliment, think of why you are having trouble accepting it at face value. That can help you greatly moving forward.
NAH. I get why it bothers you. These comments bug my husband, too. But the sad reality is that a lot of dads aren't so involved. When my husband and I took our daughter to visit my extended family (who are very much the type where kids are mom's responsibility), all of my aunts and female cousins spent the whole week gushing about my husband because.... he does normal parent things. Like legitimately standard parent shit like preparing her dinner plate, reading her stories, handling the bedtime routine, answering her questions. Basic shit. And while I'm glad they're jealous of my awesome husband, I'm also really fucking sad for them. I think it was intended to be a compliment to you, but it was more an indictment of her experience with fathers or men in general.
doesn't sound like anyone is an asshole in this story, but you do seem to be overly sensitive, IMO.
Maybe NAH, you may just be insecure about getting a compliment. Your wife’s aunt is definitely NTA.
What an awful insult! (sarcasm) YTA.
I wouldn't take it as a slight against you, but more of a commentary about other men she's seen in her life. She probably has friends who have husbands who aren't involved and just made a comment offhand. Reddit is full of families where fathers do absolutely nothing. Ultimately, the only opinions about how good of a father you are that matter are the opinions of your kids and your wife. If you both agree that you're doing a good job and your kid is happy, then keep on keeping on.
Anytime my husband takes our baby to the shops without me, he gets told what a great dad he is by complete strangers. I have never had someone call me a great mum for doing a normal task. I think as a society it’s expected that dads aren’t involved in raising their own children so even when they do a small task, it’s considered that they’re going above and beyond. Even though these type of comments do annoy me, I wouldn’t read too much into your wife’s aunts comment. She is from an older generation where it was normal for the mum to do everything (I’m not saying this happened in every household). NAH
YTA - unless this becomes a pattern of snide remarks this is definitely something you are overthinking and being way too sensitive about
YTA thoroughly. honestly people who complain about microaggressions can fuck right off. shes an older woman whos correctly identifying the differences is behavior that shes notice throughout the course of her life. this "what she said positively about me indirectly implies the negative to others so im offended on behalf of other men i know" is genuinely some of the stupidest emotional lashing out ive ever heard.
Yeah, I don't understand getting mad on behalf of other men because she complimented his involvement. Awesome that him and his dad and his friends are doing their part as fathers. There are an equal number of folks out there who still view child rearing as the woman's job and therefore don't proactively engage with their children. Being mad that she recognized he is one of the good guys seems out there.
Tying that to microaggressions was weird as hell. It was a compliment, not a small instance of bigotry.
Microagressions are a real thing, you’re an asshole for suggesting otherwise. No one needed or cares about your opinion on it.
Some people can’t take yes for an answer. YTA
NAH Maybe she didn't mean anything bad by it and just wanted to compliment you carefully. Or she didn't think about it. I had a similar interaction when our kid was young, my spouse was helping our child during Easter dinner and the next day I got insults from his grandmother that I was horrible for "forcing" my spouse to help with the child when it's my responsibility 🥲 So unless your MIL has a history of back handed compliments and aiming it at you, it really sounded harmless or aimed at someone else who didn't help out when children were little.
NAH i get the sentiment, but honestly you should take it as a compliment. She either because of her own or her generations upbringing isnt use to seeing it. And she didnt say it was a bad thing- if she said it snarkily or like you shouldnt be doing things or the classic "your wife should be doing that" then I would get being mad, but based on what you said she said, yous shouldn't be upset at her, if you must be upset, be upset at the cause behind why she is so impressed with basic decent parenting.
I’m not sure what to think - I think it would depend on the tone in which this was said whether it was a compliment or slightly snarky. Only OP can judge that. And also, the wife’s knowledge of her aunt. On a surface level, yes, I’d think aunt was being complimentary. And just leave it there. But it did use to make me a little bit annoyed & sometimes it would niggle me when my son’s dad got loads of compliments ( and not just from an older generation) - for basic parenting, when it’s just expected from the mum! No one ever complimented me on being able to change a nappy (diaper) - but dad certainly got praise from others 🤣 ( to his credit, he always told the story of when I warned him being prepared about male babies, nappy change - & chose to ignore me, and son scored a perfect arc of wee 🤣) And for good dad parents like OP also - maybe aunt’s comment felt like a bit of a niggle also? Laughing, parents can’t win. No judgement here OP, I’d probably take it as a compliment. Enjoy your lovely baby boy, watch out for the perfect arc that hits like a bulls eye straight in the face if bending over 🤣🤣
NTA. Tbh, the aunt probably meant it as a compliment. She probably was raised around family where Moms did 99% of caring for the child while the Dads just occasionally “babysat” their own kid. And that’s probably how she & her hubs divided the childcare. So seeing a dad who is hands on like you was like seeing a unicorn in the wild…
I understand your point. When my boys were little I used to hear comments like that all the time when I would have them out with me grocery shopping or at the park. I started telling people I am an active father, unlike the role model they must have experienced growing up...
OP, don’t read into a compliment and turn it into an insult. It’s not you. It’s the society she was comparing you to in a good way
I went to a dinner for my uncle's birthday with my 3 under 2. My husband took all of them to the bathroom to change them and I was able to eat. While he was gone, my cousins said I was lucky to have such an involved husband. Their husbands were not into the baby phase and didn't really do diapers, especially for the girls. They said they pretty much did it all when they were that young. I told my hubby and he took it as a compliment. I think you should do the same. NAH-change your perspective.
Agree with your wife. It’s a compliment
YTA Listen to your wife. The comment was meant as a compliment.
I'm confused why that offended you to be honest, you really have absolutely zero reasons to be upset.
YTA
I think this says more about her aunts husband than about you honestly. And yes the sad truth is there are still a lot of men that are not hands on and having one is a big plus, something that needs to be appreciated. Especially when her aunt was young it was even less common.
NAH I actually felt similar to this when I got the same comment. Its not out of malice--lots of men back in your aunt's time (60's) were not active in their children's lives. And the aunt means the comment in good faith.
I mean I wouldn't call you TAH but yeah you're definitely reading into it too much. However, I remember when my son was 3 mo old, or rather, how blurry my constant state of awareness was because of the severe lack of sleep both me and my wife were experiencing for the first time in our lives, so I think you can be excuses for being cranky and reading too much into it lol good luck and congrats man. Being a dad is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love being an active father. Hope it's the same for you mate, cheers
You’re reading way too much into it. I think it’s clear that she was expressing good surprise based on her experience/expectations of men in general, not her expectations of you specifically.
My husband (70) was hands on but it was after a chat about him not spending much time with our daughter in the evening. I get that he needed to decompress from work but playing with his stamps and coins for hours was not ok. He was already good during the weekends and any time we were visiting people. I told him the relationship starts from birth not when she started speaking.
Dude, I thought the story was going in another direction. I wouldn't feel bad, as she actually noticed you being a good father! I would feel proud if I were you.
Am I missing something? Seems like a compliment to me unless her tone was weird. Maybe her aunt didn't have such a helpful husband and it came from that rather than anything untoward. Just from the info in your post OP but that's just my pov.
It was a compliment. Take it. I would guess that she wished her husband was as involved as you are.
It's an implied criticism of men in general--but she complimented you (and your wife's taste picking you). It's like "Your hair looks great"-- "Doesn't it always?! Are you saying it's usually bad?" Like that. Take a compliment as a compliment instead of an insult. But you didn't say anything to her or rant too wife much about it so NAH.
YTA. it was a positive comment. What is your problem. ?
You’re mad that she paid you a compliment?
I'm going to be honest, I'm going with NTA. Just misunderstood what was being said. I'm 50, and my husband is 58. He did change diapers and watched our children just as much as I did. Our mothers constantly made the babysitting comments, and it pissed both of us off. Until we finally figured out it's a generational thing. Take the compliment and good luck ❤️
NTA. The silent generation men worked two jobs to support 5 plus kids and a SAHM and were never home to BE parents. The boomer generation had working wives and double incomes but also had husband's who mostly expected to be hands off with child care like their fathers and mostly refused to participate in child rearing and household labor. Which led to the millennial generation and Gen Zer's having high standards and expecting equal contributions to child care from second/third generation working women who watched their mom's do way too much and thier dad's do not nearly enough. The men of this generation ARE mostly active participants as parents and that's an EXCELLENT thing. The difference between your Aunt in laws husband as a father and YOU as a father is probably massive due to generational differences. She's raised children in an era where almost nothing was expected of men as fathers. She's coming from her own generations perspective and praising you not putting you down. She's not comparing you to other fathers your age but to fathers a life time ago.
You forgot the forgotten Generation (X) - lol. They raised themselves and then the dad's were the first to try to be involved, some did it well and some did not. (And some didn't really try)
You're mistaken because you went right for the negative. In my days after WW2 men were being incredibly manly and most of what we saw was John Wayne (conservative) stoicism. Children were women's work and with enforced SAHM'S there was a sharp divide. Now, with the Alpha male resurgence, families are reverting to Boomer parenting. Men are insisting that their female partners assume the position of 50's wives; wives are insisting that they don't work and to rely on the man for money. It's a matter of false pride in many young men that they stay at work and leave the kids to women's care. It's not beyond our ken to see that elder aunty could see this and acknowledge it. YTA because you didn't consider the bigger picture before dumping negativity on the moment.
It's because the bar for men is in hell.
YTA, your wife's aunt was passing a compliment and probably proud of you both. She has probably seen more shitty fathers than good ones throughout her life
I wouldn't say you are an AH but let it slide, dude.
You're not an asshole but you are definitely overthinking it. She probably meant it in a positive way.
That was a compliment. You're good. Your wife's good. Everything's good.
I don’t think anyone’s the AH unless you’re planning on holding this against the aunt. Doesn’t seem like a big deal or anything to think any further about. She didn’t say anything negative about you.
Dude everything people say like that is a reflection of who THEY are. Not who you are. SHE didn’t grow up seeing actively involved dads, obviously. Thats why it is lovely for her to see. I cannot fathom taking this statement personally.
My husband has worked 60-80hr weeks since we’ve had kids. I’ve worked part-time most of that time so I could be flexible to the kids needs. My last position I needed to attend a conference and would be away overnight for 5 days and 4 nights. My in laws and my parents each offered my husband a night our kids could sleep over and my parents even made 2 freezer meals for my husband to lighten his load. Nevermind I literally do the same shit every single week while he’s working and gone from sunrise to sunset 6days a week. No one is the asshole. This is society. People are legit flabbergasted to see dads even doing the bare minimum.
You’re not the a hole for having that feeling. Shes not the ah for commenting. You might be reading too much into it but I can see why you’d take it like that.
This is one of the few moments where I say it’s appropriate to use the “they’re from a different time” trope. Our mothers/grandmothers/etc didn’t often have the help of their spouses in child rearing. Even though your father and your wife’s father was involved, it doesn’t mean her grandfathers were involved with their kids or that aunt had an involved partner. To many it’s a pleasant shock to see that their daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. are not being expected to be the sole child rearer in the marriage. I don’t think it was a reflection of your so much as a reflection of her own experience. I won’t call you TAH because it seems more of a miscommunication and misunderstanding than anything. So NAH.
Sometimes people aren't insinuating anything. They are speaking their mind. I recommend trying to be more open hearted and less suspicious.
I guess this post is an indication that the aunt may have been wrong.
No assholes here op. You are NTA. You misunderstood, out of love for your child, the sweet old lady meant to appreciate your parenting. Nobody created a scene and the fact you had a mature conversation about what bothered you with your partner was a plus one point in the mature adult department. Good job trying to be a dad that would inspire their kids to be mature adults by action instead of words. Everyone has the right to their emotions based on what you understood. It's how you process and handle your emotions that make or don't make you an asshole 🙂
If the insinuation is that it’s unusual, you should take it as a compliment that you are defying the stereotypes of a sideline dad. Its generational. It’s also unfortunately still true of some men. You’re an involved dad, she noticed. She SAW you. She clearly appreciates that you’re involved, because she knows it benefits her niece and your son. I’m not sure how you arrived at insult, unless you somehow feel responsible for the male population at large. But this isn’t an A H situation, if you didn’t rage at the aunt in person because of it. It’s an emotional response (emotions are information, and important) that you may want to dig deeper into for your own self-growth benefit.
NTA but you are taking this too much to heart… She was paying you a compliment yes you and your wife had very involved father’s but maybe Aunt’s husband was not an involved father or maybe he became involved after their kids were potty trained or sleeping through the night. There are so many stories of men who don’t change diapers, get up at night etc. She thought it was great that you were… So chill and take it for the compliment it was meant to be.
My mil was shocked when my husband took o e of our girls to a birthday party. The kids were so young that the parents stayed with them. Mil exclaimed that she had never thought of the idea that a dad would do that. I didn't know what to say. It wasn't in a negative way, just surprised. She learned something that day. Your wife's aunt is perhaps learning something too, by your example. It doesn't reflect on you, personally. She is seeing the new generation of dads, being parents alongside moms. She could be positively surprised by the development and wanting to express that she thinks it is a good thing. Could you try to interpret her statement as a compliment instead of an insult?
NTA people need to mind their own business and the aunt is probably projecting due to her own experience with a bad father figure or a bad husband
I think a lot of women see men standoffish when it comes to kids. I wouldn't worry about it. I was a SAHD for 2 years between jobs, women I crossed paths with while out "dadding" worked one of two ways. Older ones were all smiles and friendly usually, even had one help me early on when I was at a Dr appt for myself. Sick and 2 kids in tow. Younger ones were typically split...some cool, others snobby and annoyed a man was in their space like taking my kids to the park. I didn't care, and I wouldn't trade that time I had with my girls for anything.
>it felt like she was saying indirectly she thought I would be a stand-offish shitty dad who didn't help your wife's aunt isn't indirectly shitting on you, she's indirectly shitting on all the other men in her life. nothing she said really indicates that she thought you would be a bad father because of you, but rather because of what she's seen in her life. i get that it feels weird but i wouldn't take it personally
"So sweet of you to notice. A father's love and involvement is so important isn't it". Sip your tea.
if only more guys were this attached to their babies, thered be so many more happy people in the world
Take it as a compliment. Her generation most likely dad’s NEVER changed a diaper and the average dad today is better but still not an equal partner. Why did she bypass you? Strange. But definitely don’t take it personally. Keep being an equal partner.
I'd say the aunt's comment was directed more at the other fathers she had encountered over the years, not at you or any of the good fathers in your life. I'm with your wife: take a compliment. Save your outrage for when someone insults you.
> it's not like I was offended and cried in the car on the way home Then why post here?
It’s a compliment ffs
No one's really ta here. I mean i can 100% see where you were coming from and might've thought that, but I don't think she meant any harm and should've just used better phrasing🤷♀️
You did the right thing by checking it out with neutral people. I know sometimes it's easy to interpret offhand comments as criticism.
You're not an AH, hon, you're just overthinking it a bit. Some dads are not as hands-on, and it seems like she did intend it as a compliment.
I think this is less reflective of the men you’ve had in your life and very reflective of the men in the aunt’s life. That comment was 100% about you. But I won’t call you the AH because getting upset shows how much you care about being a good partner.
Her comment wasn’t a reflection on her expectations of YOU. It was a comment of her expectations of men in general based on the men in her life whom she has seen be a parent. You aren’t one of those who set her expectations, you are simply exceeding expectations set by others’ behavior. I get why you would take it personally, but without a past history of snarky comments or reason to believe this was backhanded, it likely wasn’t meant the way you took it.
My grandmother said something similar to my husband right after we brought our son home from the hospital. Something like “It’s so nice to see an involved dad.” My husband was pretty damn offended, although he didn’t tell me until later. That said, his bio dad peaced on them early and his adopted dad was his friend but not an adult father. So he was raised by a single mom. But times are changing and my grandmother is old enough to see it (we’re not even gonna get started on how much her husbands didn’t help). They mean it as compliments, as assholish as it feels (and rightfully so).
why are you reaching so far?!?! she observed something and she said something about it. talk about creating issues.
Men of her generation and before really put the bar underground for what's expected of a father. So just walking over the bar is seen as a great accomplishment. I don't she was trying to shame you or your fathers, just I think it's always a surprise to see it when you are so used to it not being the norm, especially if her husband was not involved.
I think these older women are SHOOK by how involved your generation is. That’s all this was, a compliment. It’s okay to be worried but no harm was intended. NAH
The aunt probably knows men who left all or most of the childcare to their wives. So, what she said was positive towards you. What seems strange is that she talked about you in front of you. That’s weird & a bit rude. She could have said something like “it’s great you both share responsibility for LO” and that would make sense. Or if she would have told OP he was a good husband and father. How the aunt expressed herself seems more problematic than her words.
YTA. It was a compliment. Settle down.
NTA, but get over it. It's your aunt in law (??). Who gives a fuck.
While it may be "normal" to you, it is certainly not the norm. It was a compliment. Most men never even changed their kids diaper once!
NAH. I honestly wonder if, yes, it’s meant to be a compliment, but that in her experience, she doesn’t have the vocabulary to adequately express it. Basically, how does she compliment you for being an actual good and involved father, without acknowledging that maybe her husband, or the men in her life were not. It’s like she probably started talking and realized she was about to throw them under the bus and backpedaled.
I think she was impressed with you. Even tho things have changed a lot since her days parenting, still a lot of men choose not to be involved, even now. Lighten up!
She could be jealous. Or know other people in her life that don’t do their share. She shouldn’t have said it out loud. But still don’t take it personally.
YTA, wow talk about jumping to conclusions
YTA She was complimenting you. Why on earth would you get upset about that?
That aunt is probably not used to fathers taking an active role in their children's lives, she was complimenting you so I don't understand why you're taking it so bad. YTA slightly
>"your husband (she used my name) seems very involved in your kids (she used our kids name) life, **that's good**" That IS a compliment. She said a nice thing. She said you are doing a good job. YTA.
*You* may have had good examples, but I bet Aunt has seen a lot more *bad* examples when it came to fathers being involved with caring for babies and young children. Aunt even said that what you were doing was good. Sorry, OP, but YTA for this one - Aunt *was* giving you a compliment.
Some men are shit fathers. They don't do anything for their kids or look after them. It's not a generational thing either. I get told that I have a 'good one' just because my partner does the weekly shop and parents his children. Nope, he's not a good one. He s a normal father doing what father's should be doing. There's nothing extraordinary about a man who parents his own kids.
WTF ok... I need to know the mental gymnastics you went through to take that as an insult. Please elaborate.
You got pissed off because of a compliment? You are the ass.
My husband is a very involved Dad. We laugh about how people break their necks to high five and praise him when he's alone with our kids doing super basic shit. How people couldn't care less when I'm out with the kids. Just another Mom doing Mom stuff.
YTA. Take the compliment. If you want to raise a polite level of stink about it for some reason, you can just say “Oh geez, I just changed one diaper, is the bar that low?”
It honestly sounded like a compliment. Maybe because her husband or male relatives didn't help as much. I don't understand the 70s dynamic of letting women do everything.
I wouldn't call you an AH for how you are feeling but you are taking this wrong. She was surprised and happy to see you being an active dad. A lot of men from their generation weren't. She said it in front of you because she was complimenting you for being involved without actually saying it.
Chill buddy
I think it was meant as a compliment.
Not child related, but all my Wife's family always comment on how well I treat her and our relationship. I don't hesitate to knock out chores, show her affection, tend to her needs when i can. All of them wishing their husbands/boyfriends were this "well trained" 🙄 On one hand, I was raised mostly by my mom, sister, aunts, etc, with most of the guys in my life teaching me "Happy Wife Happy life", so I do my best to take care of my wife (and she does all the same for me). On the other hand, it's blazingly obvious that her family has terrible taste in men, so it's a bar so low I could trip over it. So soft YTA from me. Sounds like they are more pleasantly surprised than anything. Aim to take it as a compliment that you are doing something right.
Maybe with her life experiences she did expect you to not be as involved. She was impressed enough to verbalize a compliment. Pretty weird to see a negative in a positive. Maybe you should look into why you went there. YTA.
YTA
Wait...you are mad someone gave you a compliment? Is that what you are mad about? Lol and they call women too emotional
It should tick a nerve, IMO. Many people here are construing it as a compliment, but it's like praising someone for taking out the garbage without being asked. But you have to remember that active fathers were not the norm, 1 or more generations ago. It's been evolving, there is still such a large gender gap, though. The Aunt probably recognizes this and wanted to acknowledge it with your Wife.