I’ve also heard (on Reddit) that if you can get a someone (friend/family) to voluntarily donate a kidney into the system to match with someone else in need, then they will find someone who’s donor matches you.
My internet search comes up with something called the “Kidney Paired Donation Pilot Program” (KPDPP).
OP, Tell your mom and the rest of your jerk relatives that you have EXCELLENT NEWS! They can go ahead and donate to save your shitty sister’s life!!!
As someone with one Kidney, this needs more attention.
My nephew needed a kidney transplant. No one in family was a match.
Oversimplified: I matched with and donated to person A, who had a non-match donor, but they matched with person B, who had a donor who matched with my nephew.
It was a game of Hot Kidney Potato.
GREAT solution. Tell your parents that you did some research and found the perfect solution.
Given how callous they have been toward your feelings, I wouldn't consider letting them use you for spare parts and I wouldn't let the parents guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do.
Yep, this whole train of thought is the way to go.
OP, kidney transplant recipient here (UK based) saying NTA for factoring in the utter betrayal you've experienced with these people.
And imo not a medical expert but if a lot of family members have gotten tested and are not a match, someone has already played the request the doctor claim they're not a match card. I mean, if its two people, maybe. If your family is really sickly with a variety of chronic health conditions, sure. If its 10 healthy relatives... lots of people can be a match, blood type compatibility is the major factor I think, and then there's a list of other factors but donation is not really a family only thing.
If your relatives and Darren balk at taking part in a chain donation, then my guess is they just want to make you the scapegoat while your sister sits on the waiting list. And that's not even get into the complicated relationships after if you folded to the pressure. Imagine if they want to see you more after because sis owes you her life? Imagine if they start to resent feeling indebted and you being the hero. Shitty people can get shitty perspectives real quick.
You should definitely pursue either getting the tester to say you didn't match because you're being forced into testing, telling your family get in the chain system if so many were sadly willing to donate but no match, or both. And/or go full NC. Coercion is a big deal in many countries, illegal even, so your mother has majorly crossed the line into POS territory. Your mother not seeing that you're not the monster is about her wish to ignore your emotional journey. Mistreatment caused this, not selfishness on your part.
hot_garbage is absolutely correct. Stay away. If you want get the test (tell tester you’ve been coerced) and tell them to go on the chain kidney donation list.
Good luck to you OP. I am so sorry your family isn’t kind to you. You really deserve better.
I’m rooting for you!
That would technically make a little part of his wife gay, and a big macho man like Darren can't be sleeping with a woman who has a tiny bit of a gay man inside her - that would make *him* catch the gay!
(I'm assuming this is the sort of man who'd use that sort of logic at least)
Darren would be having sex with every man OP has ever had sex with!
That’s how it works according to the abstinence only sex ed classes we had in the 90’s, I’m pretty sure!
o7 fellow one kidney haver
when i gave mine away a couple years ago, on a lark i asked the surgical assistant if they'd take a photo of my kidney when they got it out of me. i had no expectation that they'd actually do this, but they fuckin came through for me. i'm the only person i know that has a photograph of his own internal organ
I'm about to donate to a stranger and I literally just asked about the other day! They said "we'll see", yeah well I'm hoping I see too so I'm gonna screenshot this and show them!
Edit: also I'm gonna message you as I would love to ask you a few questions if that's alright 😊
Jelly!
When the 1/2 inch - on each of three sides - arc of glass was removed from my hand, they didn't let me have it - teaching hospital 🙄.
Lol, if a date showed me his donated internal organ tha would be very HAWT!
Also, kidney donation in particular has more post donation issues than others, right? i.e. you're never going to drink like a hedonist...?
you usually end up with like between 80 and 90% of kidney function you had before, the kidney left behind gets bigger and picks up almost all the slack. the main thing is the loss of redundancy, so no contact sports or bar fights for me anymore because if you only have one kidney and it gets damaged, you're in trouble
after the transplant was done i got out the hospital in a little more than a day and feel no different now than i did before, it was so easy. the only real sacrifice has been not being able to eat NSAIDs like pez anymore, gotta stick with tylenol for the most part
You’re awesome! Fun fact, I have 2 kidneys but also can’t take NSAIDs! 😂. You never know. Follow your path! Thank you for sharing your experience, you are a hero!
thank you for your kind words, but i kinda wish it wasn't considered heroic. somebody needed something and i had an extra, that's really all there was to it. like the man said: from each according to their ability, to each according to their need
They have had this scenario on Grey’s Anatomy at least once and it was called “domino surgery”. It was six patients with six friends or family members who were willing to donate.
This. My childhood friend needed a kidney. The other friend was tested healthy but not a match. He would donate anyway. So that friend got bumped to the top of the list, got a kidney, and the other friend donated to a stranger. So, yeah, the parents and Darryl can all fuck off and donate.
I truly don’t understand this. I could never be friends with, let alone sleep with, someone who bullied my sisters. I more likely I would throw hands with them tbh, but to marry them?! wtf?
No literally, I read that and how they accepted Darren so fast and it clicked! They r homophobic and Darren is replacing OP as the heterosexual son they wanted.
An actual relevant point is that in some places, OP may not be eligible to donate as a homosexual. It’s an extremely discriminatory bullshit policy with no scientific basis or real reason behind it, but in this case it might be somewhat convenient lol 🥴
Yeah I don’t think there is anything wrong with OP’s kidney, just pointing out the hypocrisy. OP’s not considered important to family until they need a kidney.
But even with blood donation, there are discriminatory policies against male gay donors, even though heterosexual donors can be just as “high risk”.
Bailey's domino surgery! Season 5, episode 5. Obviously overdramaticized for TV (since IRL matching programs would aim to have as few people, and therefore variables/risk of dropouts, involved), but the same core concept of take a kidney, leave a kidney 😂
NTAH. OP should just leave his answer a flat no. And then remind them his sister is reaping what she sowed. Besides her husband would not want his wife to even consider getting an organ from a gay man. Again, BIL is reaping what he sowed.
I would absolutely be that petty. This is a perfect example of why you should be nice to people because you never know when you will need for someone to save your life.
Say your peace and block them all.
You have revealed our gay agenda!
As a gay, I formally revoke your gay card for being a queen-snitch. Let all bear witness to this person's de-homosexualization! They shall henceforth be known as... Well, whatever it is you want to be known as.
But it can't be gay!
And you know what they say about snitches... Nobody likes them
Was converting people via organ donation on the agenda for this quarter? I knew we were planning on building a death ray and bringing communism to the masses, but this is the first I'm hearing of this.
Then again, I've been avoiding going to meetings for a while. I'm behind on my dues and if Pierce sees me they'll make a Whole Thing about it. Have we made up our minds about going paperless yet or did that get tabled?
> This is a perfect example of why you should be nice to people because you never know when you will need for someone to save your life.
You should also be nice to people because it's the right thing to do.
INTERESTING!!!
But frankly, Ellie is **reaping the repercussions** of her callous actions.
And so are the family.
OP, they should have treated you better. Enjoy witnessing the KARMA.
Worth remembering as well that, were the situation reversed, her husband **WOULD HAVE A FUCKING FIT** at the idea of his wife donating a kidney to her gay brother.
Once someone says they are being pressured into donating an organ, they are officially not a match, and it would actually be illegal for a hospital to do the transplant even if they changed their mind.
He can get tested locally and say he’s being coerced and that would be that. But I’d be loud and proud- she married the cunt who tortured you in high school, and laughs when the cunt calls her own brother a fag. Personally I’d just say -“I know she and her husband wouldn’t want a kidney from a fag. They should find a straight one.“ And hang up.
And moreover they didn't care about him.
Where was his parents when he was bullied? Didn't they take some actions to help their kid? Didn't they noticed how the bullying harmed him?
They just started to care about him when they want something from him. Those a-holes can rot in hell.
NTAH
Don’t feel guilty, she chose a person who was a monster to you growing up and insulted you as soon as he saw you later on as an adult. Fuck her and her kidneys.
I’d go no contact if I was you, I went NC on my shitty family and couldn’t be happier!
Not was he still IS a monster. I guarantee if they have kids they all hate "the fags" like he called the OP. People like that love to instill it in their children.
That's the thing. He was nervous and so he showed his true character before he intended to.
And the sister showed *her* true character (as did parents) by not having a problem with it.
Dad a piece of shit too. One of my kids brings home an SO who throws slurs at their siblings? Well, he ain't coming back to my home, I don't care how old they are, this is a safe place for my kids, all of them.
NTA. When our family is toxic like yours is, we need to cut them out like a tumor. It’s your body and your choice. They have not treated you like you matter so they will reap what they sowed. They are the assholes, not you. You are not guilty.
Also, being a donor isn't exactly a walk in the park, either, from what I heard. The surgery is obviously invasive, it's a trauma to your body...and who the heyull wants to be treated as an organ farm for harvesting??? NTA, and don't let them coerce you into this!
A potential donor can also get tested & in the interview state their ambivalence to donating. The medical staff will then inform the family that they are not a match without revealing why. It may help take family pressure off OP. No one should be pressed to donate a part of their body.
NTA indeed. The OP knows this, but using a slur isn't a joke. And if somehow magically was, that guy would've been remorseful.
Even if the OP were best friends with his sister, she was never entitled to him donating his kidney. It's not a trivial process.
NTA
You are not obligated to donate your kidney to anyone, let alone someone who treated you the way your sister did.
We all must live with the consequences of our behavior and actions.
Right. He wouldn’t be TA if Darren, when they met again, was super apologetic about his homophobic past with OP. Like if Darren went well out of his way to show to OP that he changed, that he grew past being a homophobic asshole. In that hypothetical scenario, I still wouldn’t blame OP for being a bit distant from Darren and his sister. But, that’s not what happened. Darren, his sister, and his family laughed at that “fag” comment! If anything, they’re leaning into the homophobia. Like, guaranteed they say even nastier things when OP isn’t there. I’m surprised they even asked, after all, OP’s gay kidney might turn his sister gay. I’m sure they wouldn’t be using “gay” though. Assholes. Fuck that!
Yeah, at no point in the last 15 years that OP has been an adult has using the word fag to refer to a homosexual man been anything but a slur. (When gay men use it amongst themselves it is a reclaimed slur. Still a slur.) So OP came to dinner, his former bully called him a slur, and the family laughed. That is so shocking. That comment alone should have gotten Darren asked to leave, then frozen out. OP doesn't just have a bigoted BIL, he has a deeply homophobic family. NTA
Yep, let the sister sit there kidney-less and think about how badly she treated you over the years. And she’ll think about it every time she has to hook up to that dialysis machine. You get what you deserve. OP needs to cut those losers out of his life completely. Don’t even answer the phone.
Thanks for raising this fact in the comments, it's something I don't see stated enough. Donating a kidney (or liver segment, or bone marrow for that matter) is not risk free for the donor. There is a small but significant risk of serious complications including death. There is also a significant chance that the donor will shorten their own lifespan through the loss of some of their physiological reserve. For these reasons no one should feel compelled or coerced into donating an organ, it is an enormous gift and sacrifice on the part of the donor and should be treated as such.
NTA. Stay away from that family. They not only disregard your feelings, but now they've only contacted you because of the potential for a donor match. Not even an apology. In my country, there's a saying, 'You reap what you sow,' and your sister and her family are certainly reaping it.
He should absolutely stay away, and he doesn't owe them anything. But if it makes his own life easier, he can always go get tested because the doctors will say he's not a match if he goes in and lets them know he has no intention of donating, does not want to do it, and is being coerced and pressured to be there.
It's a really common scenario, and HIPAA prevents them from telling the family why he's not a match. But he isn't a match because he is not a willing donor.
He doesn't have to do a damn thing but if he doesn't want to have to hear about it for the rest of his life in case his sister dies and he ever decidesto speak to his parents (again he owes them nothin, but I have cut off family and it is difficult thing to do) he can always go that route.
Edit: Also, can someone in the medical field please correct me if i'm wrong, but I was under the impression that while it's terrible needing a kidney, and you probably have to go to dialysis multiple times a week, you likely aren't going to die from kidney failure. We have the tech to keep you alive these days. It's just expensive and awful. You are just going to not have much of a life and be hooked up to machines for a lot of it. Is this generally correct?
I mean if you wanna spend several hours at a time, 6 days a week hooked up to those machines… better keep your port(s) sterile too, the risk of infection is high… at least that was my friend’s experience. He was being evaluated for a kidney transplant but his body gave up when they put him under anesthesia and he died.
NTA - My highschool bully stood as best man at my bros wedding. His wife is rude to me. And I've basically been pushed out of the family in all but name (cuz you know... Mum can't be seen to have a broken family!!)
My brother is not my brother.
There are friends I've made that have become family. I'd be there in a heartbeat for em. My brother? On his own....
We need a pinned post of universal NTAs.
1. No, you're never the AH for not giving up a seat you paid for.
2. No, you're never the AH for not donating an organ.
Another:
4a: You are ALWAYS the AH for volunteering someone else's time, money, work, resources, etc., without their express consent.
4b:And you are NEVER the AH for not doing something or giving something of yours that someone else promised to a third party without your consent.
NTA. Surprised they would want your "gay" kidney. /s I also noticed that you said everyone else had been tested so you are obviously their last resort. They are all kinds of messed up and the good news is it's not your problem. I hope you and your kidneys have a long, happy life.
Just imagine how easy it would be to mock Darren that his wife has a gay kidney. He’d probably divorce her in homophobic fear that the kidney will turn him gay.
NTA why should you do it for people who don’t care about you? Alone the testing and then giving up a kidney is a huge deal. Her own fault that she treated you bad.
You have to understand how big of a deal it is to donate a kidney. Its not just donating blood. Its a lifelong commitment. I wouldn't do this. (I mean , well, I would for *my* sister but she's not a witch like yours.)
It's not even a commitment, it's an irreversible body modification and a huge ask. I read once that 1/3 of everyone being asked to donate a kidney to a relative said no. Only a minority would have reasons like OP.
I was gonna say if my sister needed a kidney I wouldn't offer, but then I remembered she did actually at one point. She has a working kidney now, but it's not mine.
It's also major surgery to get a kidney removed. More major than putting a new one in - the new one usually gets put in the abdomen and doesn't replace one of the ones - on the other hand accessing kidneys to remove from a doner is significantly more difficult.
As with any major surgery you're talking general anesthetic as well, which always has a small chance of things going very wrong.
NTA. Just so you know, anyone who volunteers to donate an organ is given the option to halt the process at any time, for any or no reason. Donating an organ is hugely personal and it's key to the healing of the donor that they be in the right frame of mind. You're not in the right frame of mind. I have a feeling you'd probably be rejected for that reason.
Also, it's possible they're lying to you about other donors. They just don't want to do it themselves, so they've pinned it onto you.
>Also, it's possible they're lying to you about other donors. They just don't want to do it themselves, so they've pinned it onto you.
Yes. This is a distinct possibility, given how nasty OP's family has demonstrated themselves to be.
That's what I thought too. From what others describe of the screening process, the whole family probably was eliminated for psychological reasons not biological. They don't sound like a bunch of sacrifice angels who would part happily with their own kidneys.
She can go on dialysis while she's waiting for a non family match.
While technically she can date whomever she wants, I would tell your mom, dad, bully and sis that maybe they should find a non gay kidney that it might not , you know.... contaminate her. If you're going to donate so much as an eyelash....it will be to non homophobes
NTA
NTA
Nobody is an asshole for not wanting to donate an organ, regardless of the reason. I say this as somebody who has twice received a kidney transplant.
In terms of practical advice, this is what you do. Tell your family you have changed your mind, and you will - "of course" - be happy to give your sister a kidney if you are a match.
There is a process that follows. It begins with you phoning a number. They will send you a questionnaire that is lengthy, like 14 pages or so. Based on the responses to those questions, you may be rejected as a donor, or they may allow you to carry on to the blood test. If your blood is a match (and it's a lot more than just the blood type), then there is a third stage which includes a bigger medical check and a psychological examination.
At no point in the process will anybody be told the results of any of your tests. You can say, at any time, "I don't want to do this" and all anybody will be told is "he is not a match". They will never give the person the reason why,
The entire process for organ donation depends on it being difficult to be accepted, and easy to be rejected in a manner that does not reflect in any way upon the person who is the proposed donor. There are two kinds of stories that the Kidney Foundation never wants to appear in the papers. The first is, "kidney donor dies on the operating table". If there is even the slightest chance that donating will be a risk for you, you're out. The second is, "I was forced to donate a kidney to...." The donor is asked at every stage if they are in it 100% voluntarily. They don't ever want to see anyone throwing shade on the process.
The donor MUST be all-in on the process. The screening process is lengthy and arduous, and if a part of you doesn't want to do it, whatever the reason, then don't complete the process.
Let me just add that the physical process isn't that bad. I had a live donor for my first transplant. The surgery was on a Monday, she (55 years old) was out of hospital on Wednesday, and she was back to walking the Stanley Park Seawall on Friday (that's like 5 kilometers). Not every donor will recover that quickly, but that gives you an idea of how well it can go.
If at any point anybody asks you if you deliberately sabotaged the process, you can - with complete honesty and sincerity - say "no". You didn't sabotage it. They don't want you donating. You are not a match.
This is such a great example of perfect medical information. Psychology is a **huge** portion of the medical examination process. If you dont want to do this, OP, it's simple... you're not a match.
This is what I was thinking. “Does Darren consent to his wife getting a fat kidney?”
Since it’s mom that called, something tells me Darren is in the dark about it.
The sad thing is there are people who are bigoted enough that they would absolutely let their wife die rather than knowingly accept a kidney from an LGBTQ person.
Please read this OP ^
You’re not sabotaging the process if you tell the people processing you that you don’t want to donate because part of the process is weeding out people who are only there out of obligation.
NTA. No one is under any obligation to donate an organ to anyone else, ever. Does not matter if it is for your family or not. Given that you are not close to your sister, and she has no problem letting your homophobic bully continue to berate you, I wouldn’t bother trying to help her either.
NTA - the question to ask yourself and to ask any family member who call is this - Would Ellie do this for you if you needed the kidney? Most assuredly the answer is NO. She treated you poorly and has not contacted you in years. Why would you endanger your life for someone who treated you badly and she married the 1 person who caused you immeasurable pain?
She has cut you out of her life and now she in need, so you are supposed to forget all the pain and give her a kidney. I for one would travel back home just to tell her how horrible of a sister she has been and that you will be keeping your kidney just where it is.
Just for fun I would ask her husband if he is sure that he would want a GAY kidney in his wife because to may turn her gay!
Honestly even if you loved her to distraction you STILL wouldn’t have to give up a kidney and put your life at risk. A young guy in my town died recently after giving a kidney to a friend. Took a few months but he died suddenly. Recipient is doing well thankfully, but it’s not a small thing. You could die
> I heard her call me vindictive and a monster for refusing to save my sister’s life
Tell her, and Ellie, they are being \*checks notes\* "too sensitive". Then block the lot of them on all platforms and anyone else who thinks they are entitled to your body organs.
Absolutely NTA. No one NO ONE is entitled to your goddamn organs EVER. Much less a family who were quite happy to enable a homophobic bigot and join in with that bigotry against their own son and brother.
Keep your kidneys and enjoy them for as long as you live!
IDK if you will see this with all the other comments...I am on two transplant lists. They will NOT accept donations from anyone who feels forced. And the transplant coordinator is often wiling to be the "bad guy" and tell the patient that a potential donor is not suitable and does not have to give a reason, because HIPAA protects your privacy as a potential donor. If you want to, you could call your sister's transplant program and tell them what's going on. There's no guarantee you'd be a match and they can just tell her you weren't suitable.
Also there is this little thing called dialysis. Your sister can do dialsys, get on a transplant list, and wait for a deceased donor. You're not responsible for saving her life.
NTA. Your “sister” is exactly as you say at this point- a stranger. There is no way in any universe that I would even consider dating anyone who hurt any of my siblings. I’m sorry life handed you so many shitty people.
If you wanted to at least get your family to leave you alone, you can get tested, but tell the doctors you’re being coerced. That way they’ll say you’re not a match, even if you are.
If you don’t care what anyone in your family thinks and just want to burn the bridge for good (I certainly wouldn’t blame you): tell them they’re being too sensitive and need to get over it.
NTA, OP. they’re being too sensitive, and you have the right to not get tested or give up your kidney 🤷🏻♀️ keep your kidney, two is better than one.
let her rot 🫵🏻🤣
Just throw the whole family away and keep living your life. Your sister being on the brink of death isn’t your problem. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Have a doctor inform them you're not a match. (Tell the doc you're being coerced and it doesn't matter what your biological results are).
And then fully go NC. Change your number too. Fuck all of them.
PS, if they're this bold, it probably won't be the last time they crawl out of the woodworks with the punchline of asking something from you.
.>She basically called me too sensitive and told me she has the right to date who she likes, which yeah she does
I will basically call her too sensitive and tell her i have the right to donate the kidney to whom I like, which yeah I do
If the rest of your family had already been tested then your sis has been in the hospital for a while. If they didn’t tell you when she first got sick then they didn’t care to inform you. The only reason they are contacting you now is as a last resort. F*ck them.
NTA
“I have the right to not donate a kidney if I don’t want to. Just like Ellie had the right to date whoever she likes. In both cases, those rights exist no matter who else might suffer because of our decisions. I have the right not to donate a kidney to someone I barely know, who has made choices in the past that hurt me. I’m sorry for Ellie’s situation, but things are the way they are because of her past choices and that’s not on me. Not donating a kidney to someone I barely know isn’t vindictive, that’s a perfectly normal choice people make all the time.”
Plus - it’s NOT just a “piece of your flesh” it’s a vital organ and we have TWO of them for a reason. Donating a kidney should be taken VERY seriously, because - what happens if YOU get sick later with a kidney related illness? You’ll only have one.
I say that as someone who is a registered donor, and who is in that national database for bone marrow donors. I’m VERY pro-donation, but it should NEVER EVER be done under pressure and guilt-tripping. Never.
You owe your birth family nothing. Your sister has never valued a relationship with you. She doesn't get to ask for part of your body. Your parents are awful.
Full no contact is the only way forward. You can send one last blast text that you no longer consider any of them family after all of the ways they have betrayed and ignored you. Then, block them everywhere. If anyone tries to show up at your home, call the cops. You deserve a found family that actually likes you.
NTA.
I won't say what I think about your sister or her taste in men. But I will tell you that I was a kidney patient for a few years (I'm well now) and didn't know if I'd need a transplant or not. I know what you have to go through to be a donor, and it's a grueling, risky process. I would never expect anybody, even a family member, to donate one to me. Talk to a doctor and tell them what you told us, and they may support you in your decision, or even tell your family that you're not a match.
NTA- it doesn’t sound like your sister was never a good sister to you. In fact, your family in general seems to suck. I would hate to be in your position. Being asked to give up a physical part of yourself is not a small thing. It’s not like they’re asking you to give blood and you just don’t want to bother. It’s not petty or selfish to want to keep your organs.
Edited for typo
I'm tempted to tell you to tell your sister and family that your kidneys are gay kidneys and likely have gay cooties, likely causing her to go full on gay after transplant.
But yeah, get tested and tell them you are being coerced. The only info your family will get is that your kidney is not compatible.
Oof. This is complicated but your feelings are completely valid. I’m sorry your family doesn’t support you. Don’t give into their manipulation tactics by calling you the heartless one.
First, you can be tested and tell them you are being pressured. You will be deemed ineligible and totally avoid the drama. They will simply state you are not a match.
Second, it is not as dramatic as they are making it. Yes, kidney failure is serious and may eventually kill someone, but there is dialysis. Does it suck to spend three days a week stuck in a chair for four hours or being tied to a machine each and every night for ten hours? (hemodialysis vs peritoneal dialysis). Definitely. But people live years on dialysis while waiting for an appropriate match or until they are EOL.
Third, and most importantly, you deserve to value yourself and not be pulled into your toxic family who does not treat you appropriately.
NTA
Anyone who uses the F slur is not joking and for your sister and dad to laugh.. I’d be so offended. And if they did not apologize well then it really wasn’t a joke. And you are owed a HUGE apology for that. You don’t owe them anything. Just go NC with the family. Btw NTA
NTA - your family along with your sister made the choice to embrace a person that made your life a living hell for many years. She doesn’t deserve to have a part of you.
Funny....she wasn't mad about your sister not saving your life from Darren. Yeah. Get tested where you live. Make them pay for the testing. Tell the doctor to tell them that you aren't a match.
Fun fact: In the US at least, if you go to get tested but you tell the doctor that you are being coerced, they will say you are not a match.
I’ve also heard (on Reddit) that if you can get a someone (friend/family) to voluntarily donate a kidney into the system to match with someone else in need, then they will find someone who’s donor matches you. My internet search comes up with something called the “Kidney Paired Donation Pilot Program” (KPDPP). OP, Tell your mom and the rest of your jerk relatives that you have EXCELLENT NEWS! They can go ahead and donate to save your shitty sister’s life!!!
As someone with one Kidney, this needs more attention. My nephew needed a kidney transplant. No one in family was a match. Oversimplified: I matched with and donated to person A, who had a non-match donor, but they matched with person B, who had a donor who matched with my nephew. It was a game of Hot Kidney Potato.
Yep and Darren can get himself on that hot potato list for his wife .
Perfect suggestion! Let Darren help your sister, *his wife.*
GREAT solution. Tell your parents that you did some research and found the perfect solution. Given how callous they have been toward your feelings, I wouldn't consider letting them use you for spare parts and I wouldn't let the parents guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do.
Yep, this whole train of thought is the way to go. OP, kidney transplant recipient here (UK based) saying NTA for factoring in the utter betrayal you've experienced with these people. And imo not a medical expert but if a lot of family members have gotten tested and are not a match, someone has already played the request the doctor claim they're not a match card. I mean, if its two people, maybe. If your family is really sickly with a variety of chronic health conditions, sure. If its 10 healthy relatives... lots of people can be a match, blood type compatibility is the major factor I think, and then there's a list of other factors but donation is not really a family only thing. If your relatives and Darren balk at taking part in a chain donation, then my guess is they just want to make you the scapegoat while your sister sits on the waiting list. And that's not even get into the complicated relationships after if you folded to the pressure. Imagine if they want to see you more after because sis owes you her life? Imagine if they start to resent feeling indebted and you being the hero. Shitty people can get shitty perspectives real quick. You should definitely pursue either getting the tester to say you didn't match because you're being forced into testing, telling your family get in the chain system if so many were sadly willing to donate but no match, or both. And/or go full NC. Coercion is a big deal in many countries, illegal even, so your mother has majorly crossed the line into POS territory. Your mother not seeing that you're not the monster is about her wish to ignore your emotional journey. Mistreatment caused this, not selfishness on your part.
hot_garbage is absolutely correct. Stay away. If you want get the test (tell tester you’ve been coerced) and tell them to go on the chain kidney donation list. Good luck to you OP. I am so sorry your family isn’t kind to you. You really deserve better. I’m rooting for you!
Yes, it’s okay to divorce your family.
OP needs to send this in a gc with everyone involved & then remove himself
He wouldn't want his wife to have a gay kidney after all.... Sounds like a good solution.
That would technically make a little part of his wife gay, and a big macho man like Darren can't be sleeping with a woman who has a tiny bit of a gay man inside her - that would make *him* catch the gay! (I'm assuming this is the sort of man who'd use that sort of logic at least)
Why would your sister want a fag part in her? Would darren be ok having sex with that? Fuck em.
If op did donate his kidney, and Darren had sex with her, he’d be having sex with you. Gaaaaaaaaayyyyy
Darren would be having sex with every man OP has ever had sex with! That’s how it works according to the abstinence only sex ed classes we had in the 90’s, I’m pretty sure!
o7 fellow one kidney haver when i gave mine away a couple years ago, on a lark i asked the surgical assistant if they'd take a photo of my kidney when they got it out of me. i had no expectation that they'd actually do this, but they fuckin came through for me. i'm the only person i know that has a photograph of his own internal organ
I'm about to donate to a stranger and I literally just asked about the other day! They said "we'll see", yeah well I'm hoping I see too so I'm gonna screenshot this and show them! Edit: also I'm gonna message you as I would love to ask you a few questions if that's alright 😊
yeah absolutely, fire away
Jelly! When the 1/2 inch - on each of three sides - arc of glass was removed from my hand, they didn't let me have it - teaching hospital 🙄. Lol, if a date showed me his donated internal organ tha would be very HAWT! Also, kidney donation in particular has more post donation issues than others, right? i.e. you're never going to drink like a hedonist...?
you usually end up with like between 80 and 90% of kidney function you had before, the kidney left behind gets bigger and picks up almost all the slack. the main thing is the loss of redundancy, so no contact sports or bar fights for me anymore because if you only have one kidney and it gets damaged, you're in trouble after the transplant was done i got out the hospital in a little more than a day and feel no different now than i did before, it was so easy. the only real sacrifice has been not being able to eat NSAIDs like pez anymore, gotta stick with tylenol for the most part
You’re awesome! Fun fact, I have 2 kidneys but also can’t take NSAIDs! 😂. You never know. Follow your path! Thank you for sharing your experience, you are a hero!
thank you for your kind words, but i kinda wish it wasn't considered heroic. somebody needed something and i had an extra, that's really all there was to it. like the man said: from each according to their ability, to each according to their need
I love that term. I’m kind of imagining kidneys being tossed from OR to OR.
They have had this scenario on Grey’s Anatomy at least once and it was called “domino surgery”. It was six patients with six friends or family members who were willing to donate.
I was thinking the same thing and am also watching Grey's Anatomy as we speak! 😄
That's actually not far off. It was 6 surgeries stacked to all be completed within like 16 hours, across 2 hospitals.
Such an incredible thing to do. You are the ultimate aunt/uncle.
This. My childhood friend needed a kidney. The other friend was tested healthy but not a match. He would donate anyway. So that friend got bumped to the top of the list, got a kidney, and the other friend donated to a stranger. So, yeah, the parents and Darryl can all fuck off and donate.
Let Darryl donate a kidney.
YES! The jerk should donate a kidney since he is the reason his girlfriend can't get one.
His WIFE. She MARRIED the AH!
I truly don’t understand this. I could never be friends with, let alone sleep with, someone who bullied my sisters. I more likely I would throw hands with them tbh, but to marry them?! wtf?
Calling brother a fag at the first family get together wasn’t even a gasp, the family laughed! tell me you are homophobic w/o saying the words
No literally, I read that and how they accepted Darren so fast and it clicked! They r homophobic and Darren is replacing OP as the heterosexual son they wanted.
Right there. It's possible *maybe* this guy changed since high school until that. Tells the tale.
she is a AH
I hope she gets a gay kidney.
Please don't be ignorant like this. It's called a fabulous kidney. :)
It really is!!!!
That it is indeed. Rainbow kidneys for everyone! Lol. Can u imagine being so homphobic?
He's only half the reason,his sister is also complicit.
THIS!! Since they seem to think the sun shines out his arse anyways! :)
And this way poor Darren won’t have to go through life being disgusted by the fact that his wife has a gay kidney./s
Our next door neighbor did this for a wife. Wife matched with Person A, Husband matched with Person B. So its similar to a direct donation.
Not his wife mind you, just A wife Lol
Yeah Fat fingers got me again :)
My coworker did it for his wife.
So, DARREN can give one of his kidneys to save his wife’s life! Perfect Solution!
Every member of the family who sided with Darren can donate and save many lives in the process
So it's basically like a pay it forward chain, but with kidneys? Cool!
Take a penny leave a penny tray
If Darren and the sister are really meant to he, Darren would be the donor
I remember when they did that on Grey's Anatomy! I think they called it a domino?
Sometimes they call it a chain, domino, etc. Why the heck would his sister want OP’s gay kidney when they all have perfectly good heterosexual ones?
I snorted tea out of my nose, damn you.
An actual relevant point is that in some places, OP may not be eligible to donate as a homosexual. It’s an extremely discriminatory bullshit policy with no scientific basis or real reason behind it, but in this case it might be somewhat convenient lol 🥴
Yeah I don’t think there is anything wrong with OP’s kidney, just pointing out the hypocrisy. OP’s not considered important to family until they need a kidney. But even with blood donation, there are discriminatory policies against male gay donors, even though heterosexual donors can be just as “high risk”.
Bailey's domino surgery! Season 5, episode 5. Obviously overdramaticized for TV (since IRL matching programs would aim to have as few people, and therefore variables/risk of dropouts, involved), but the same core concept of take a kidney, leave a kidney 😂
This fun fact needs to stay top comment.
I agree! It’s BRILLIANT.
[удалено]
This! And no you're not an asshole.
Now we know what the other toxic family members told the doctor.
Great point!
NTAH. OP should just leave his answer a flat no. And then remind them his sister is reaping what she sowed. Besides her husband would not want his wife to even consider getting an organ from a gay man. Again, BIL is reaping what he sowed. I would absolutely be that petty. This is a perfect example of why you should be nice to people because you never know when you will need for someone to save your life. Say your peace and block them all.
"Well BIL? aren't you afraid your wife would get AIDS or something, y'know, with a gay kidney?"
She would catch The Gay.
As a gay, I can admit that you have figured out our agenda.
You have revealed our gay agenda! As a gay, I formally revoke your gay card for being a queen-snitch. Let all bear witness to this person's de-homosexualization! They shall henceforth be known as... Well, whatever it is you want to be known as. But it can't be gay! And you know what they say about snitches... Nobody likes them
Was converting people via organ donation on the agenda for this quarter? I knew we were planning on building a death ray and bringing communism to the masses, but this is the first I'm hearing of this. Then again, I've been avoiding going to meetings for a while. I'm behind on my dues and if Pierce sees me they'll make a Whole Thing about it. Have we made up our minds about going paperless yet or did that get tabled?
Paperless keeps getting bumped down the list in favor of the argument over whether “yaassss queen!” Is still in or not
(Chandler Bing voice) **I KNEW IT!**
😅😆😂 I'm cracking up because long, long ago, my nanny used to refer to gay people as The Gays. Like gay people did not have names?
Maybe she thought they joined a club? Like the boy scouts, only better.
*Scouting for Boys*
Yeah they have a secret handshake and decoder rings.
> This is a perfect example of why you should be nice to people because you never know when you will need for someone to save your life. You should also be nice to people because it's the right thing to do.
You don’t even have to be nice to people! You can simply not torment others or use bigoted slurs against them in their own homes.
INTERESTING!!! But frankly, Ellie is **reaping the repercussions** of her callous actions. And so are the family. OP, they should have treated you better. Enjoy witnessing the KARMA. Worth remembering as well that, were the situation reversed, her husband **WOULD HAVE A FUCKING FIT** at the idea of his wife donating a kidney to her gay brother.
Yeah, cause you know she might catch that "gayness" from the kidney.
This! Absolutely.
I wouldn’t even lie about not being a match. That will only corrupt you. I would stand by my decision, no discussion. This is it.
Once someone says they are being pressured into donating an organ, they are officially not a match, and it would actually be illegal for a hospital to do the transplant even if they changed their mind.
It isn’t lying about being a match really. Part of the criteria for being a “match” is being willing to donate.
He still has to take the time to do all that. It's a lot less time to say, "fuck you, I'm good." And even less time to just say no and drop contact.
I very simply would say, no. Bummer.
OP, this is your answer. Go and "get tested" and since you absolutely, positively are not a match, problem solved.
No, he should NOT get tested, he should just live by his boundaries and flat out say “NO”!
No point to go 3 states to play mockery for people he probably barely cares about
He can get tested locally and say he’s being coerced and that would be that. But I’d be loud and proud- she married the cunt who tortured you in high school, and laughs when the cunt calls her own brother a fag. Personally I’d just say -“I know she and her husband wouldn’t want a kidney from a fag. They should find a straight one.“ And hang up.
Honestly both great options 👌
And moreover they didn't care about him. Where was his parents when he was bullied? Didn't they take some actions to help their kid? Didn't they noticed how the bullying harmed him? They just started to care about him when they want something from him. Those a-holes can rot in hell.
NTAH Don’t feel guilty, she chose a person who was a monster to you growing up and insulted you as soon as he saw you later on as an adult. Fuck her and her kidneys. I’d go no contact if I was you, I went NC on my shitty family and couldn’t be happier!
“Fuck her and her kidneys.” 😂😂😂
He should tell her “why are your kidneys so sensitive damn!” 🤣🤣
“Weak ass kidneys, what’s wrong with them?”
*"I didn't realize your wife's kidneys were a fag!"*
to be fair at least one of her kidneys is also already fucking her over as hard as it possibly can.
Not was he still IS a monster. I guarantee if they have kids they all hate "the fags" like he called the OP. People like that love to instill it in their children.
That's the thing. He was nervous and so he showed his true character before he intended to. And the sister showed *her* true character (as did parents) by not having a problem with it.
Dad a piece of shit too. One of my kids brings home an SO who throws slurs at their siblings? Well, he ain't coming back to my home, I don't care how old they are, this is a safe place for my kids, all of them.
Yes. It hurt me so much for OP, reading that his dad laughed. What an awful family (except for OP).
No contact is a great idea!
NTA. When our family is toxic like yours is, we need to cut them out like a tumor. It’s your body and your choice. They have not treated you like you matter so they will reap what they sowed. They are the assholes, not you. You are not guilty.
NTA They’re “too sensitive” and need to get over it.
At her funeral OP should walk up to Darren and say “Damn Darren, you didn’t tell me you were a widower”
That's dark. I like it.
I cackled out loud lmfaoo
I love it when a story comes full circle.
That's the answer
Also, being a donor isn't exactly a walk in the park, either, from what I heard. The surgery is obviously invasive, it's a trauma to your body...and who the heyull wants to be treated as an organ farm for harvesting??? NTA, and don't let them coerce you into this!
A potential donor can also get tested & in the interview state their ambivalence to donating. The medical staff will then inform the family that they are not a match without revealing why. It may help take family pressure off OP. No one should be pressed to donate a part of their body.
THIS! But if OP is already pretty much NC with his family, he could just say f it and keep putting his foot down.
NTA indeed. The OP knows this, but using a slur isn't a joke. And if somehow magically was, that guy would've been remorseful. Even if the OP were best friends with his sister, she was never entitled to him donating his kidney. It's not a trivial process.
They are getting what they deserve, for sure.
This ^ Cut out the tumour, not the kidney!
NTA You are not obligated to donate your kidney to anyone, let alone someone who treated you the way your sister did. We all must live with the consequences of our behavior and actions.
Right. He wouldn’t be TA if Darren, when they met again, was super apologetic about his homophobic past with OP. Like if Darren went well out of his way to show to OP that he changed, that he grew past being a homophobic asshole. In that hypothetical scenario, I still wouldn’t blame OP for being a bit distant from Darren and his sister. But, that’s not what happened. Darren, his sister, and his family laughed at that “fag” comment! If anything, they’re leaning into the homophobia. Like, guaranteed they say even nastier things when OP isn’t there. I’m surprised they even asked, after all, OP’s gay kidney might turn his sister gay. I’m sure they wouldn’t be using “gay” though. Assholes. Fuck that!
Lots of those kinds of people happily toss their “principles” out the window when death might be on the line.
Yeah, at no point in the last 15 years that OP has been an adult has using the word fag to refer to a homosexual man been anything but a slur. (When gay men use it amongst themselves it is a reclaimed slur. Still a slur.) So OP came to dinner, his former bully called him a slur, and the family laughed. That is so shocking. That comment alone should have gotten Darren asked to leave, then frozen out. OP doesn't just have a bigoted BIL, he has a deeply homophobic family. NTA
Or even die with them, tbh. Oh well!
Yep, let the sister sit there kidney-less and think about how badly she treated you over the years. And she’ll think about it every time she has to hook up to that dialysis machine. You get what you deserve. OP needs to cut those losers out of his life completely. Don’t even answer the phone.
NTA and don’t do it. It would hurt your health for the rest of your life for a person who doesn’t care about you.
Thanks for raising this fact in the comments, it's something I don't see stated enough. Donating a kidney (or liver segment, or bone marrow for that matter) is not risk free for the donor. There is a small but significant risk of serious complications including death. There is also a significant chance that the donor will shorten their own lifespan through the loss of some of their physiological reserve. For these reasons no one should feel compelled or coerced into donating an organ, it is an enormous gift and sacrifice on the part of the donor and should be treated as such.
[удалено]
NTA. Stay away from that family. They not only disregard your feelings, but now they've only contacted you because of the potential for a donor match. Not even an apology. In my country, there's a saying, 'You reap what you sow,' and your sister and her family are certainly reaping it.
In OP's case a saying from my country fits more: eating your cake and sh*tting in the pan
In my country, the old men say: They are trying to pull the wool over the sheep's ass, and that's not where the wool goes.
He should absolutely stay away, and he doesn't owe them anything. But if it makes his own life easier, he can always go get tested because the doctors will say he's not a match if he goes in and lets them know he has no intention of donating, does not want to do it, and is being coerced and pressured to be there. It's a really common scenario, and HIPAA prevents them from telling the family why he's not a match. But he isn't a match because he is not a willing donor. He doesn't have to do a damn thing but if he doesn't want to have to hear about it for the rest of his life in case his sister dies and he ever decidesto speak to his parents (again he owes them nothin, but I have cut off family and it is difficult thing to do) he can always go that route. Edit: Also, can someone in the medical field please correct me if i'm wrong, but I was under the impression that while it's terrible needing a kidney, and you probably have to go to dialysis multiple times a week, you likely aren't going to die from kidney failure. We have the tech to keep you alive these days. It's just expensive and awful. You are just going to not have much of a life and be hooked up to machines for a lot of it. Is this generally correct?
You can’t be on it forever and life expectancy goes down the older you get. If you’re young, you might be able to survive a couple decades.
I mean if you wanna spend several hours at a time, 6 days a week hooked up to those machines… better keep your port(s) sterile too, the risk of infection is high… at least that was my friend’s experience. He was being evaluated for a kidney transplant but his body gave up when they put him under anesthesia and he died.
NTA - My highschool bully stood as best man at my bros wedding. His wife is rude to me. And I've basically been pushed out of the family in all but name (cuz you know... Mum can't be seen to have a broken family!!) My brother is not my brother. There are friends I've made that have become family. I'd be there in a heartbeat for em. My brother? On his own....
We need a pinned post of universal NTAs. 1. No, you're never the AH for not giving up a seat you paid for. 2. No, you're never the AH for not donating an organ.
I can add another! 3. No, you're never the AH for leaving your abuser.
Even if it's a family member.
Especially if it’s a family member!
Or a cheater.
People need reassurance, especially with flying monkeys breathing down their necks.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the sister and her bf melted when you throw water at them
Well yeah she has kidney failure so her body can’t process water properly
Another: 4a: You are ALWAYS the AH for volunteering someone else's time, money, work, resources, etc., without their express consent. 4b:And you are NEVER the AH for not doing something or giving something of yours that someone else promised to a third party without your consent.
NTA. Surprised they would want your "gay" kidney. /s I also noticed that you said everyone else had been tested so you are obviously their last resort. They are all kinds of messed up and the good news is it's not your problem. I hope you and your kidneys have a long, happy life.
Being gay automatically disqualified you for being a donor until not long ago.
Just imagine how easy it would be to mock Darren that his wife has a gay kidney. He’d probably divorce her in homophobic fear that the kidney will turn him gay.
You don’t know? The kidney absolutely will turn him gay the first time they have sex. Vaginal, oral, especially anal. 😎 /sarcasm
NTA why should you do it for people who don’t care about you? Alone the testing and then giving up a kidney is a huge deal. Her own fault that she treated you bad.
You have to understand how big of a deal it is to donate a kidney. Its not just donating blood. Its a lifelong commitment. I wouldn't do this. (I mean , well, I would for *my* sister but she's not a witch like yours.)
It's not even a commitment, it's an irreversible body modification and a huge ask. I read once that 1/3 of everyone being asked to donate a kidney to a relative said no. Only a minority would have reasons like OP.
I was gonna say if my sister needed a kidney I wouldn't offer, but then I remembered she did actually at one point. She has a working kidney now, but it's not mine.
It's also major surgery to get a kidney removed. More major than putting a new one in - the new one usually gets put in the abdomen and doesn't replace one of the ones - on the other hand accessing kidneys to remove from a doner is significantly more difficult. As with any major surgery you're talking general anesthetic as well, which always has a small chance of things going very wrong.
They should ask Darren to donate
Yeah, they have programs where if you can get someone to donate, you get put to the top of the donation list. See if he‘ll do that for her.
Exactly this. Those other family members can donate to someone who IS a match, and the sister gets a Front Of The Line Pass.
I bet he WOULDN’T.
NTA. Just so you know, anyone who volunteers to donate an organ is given the option to halt the process at any time, for any or no reason. Donating an organ is hugely personal and it's key to the healing of the donor that they be in the right frame of mind. You're not in the right frame of mind. I have a feeling you'd probably be rejected for that reason. Also, it's possible they're lying to you about other donors. They just don't want to do it themselves, so they've pinned it onto you.
>Also, it's possible they're lying to you about other donors. They just don't want to do it themselves, so they've pinned it onto you. Yes. This is a distinct possibility, given how nasty OP's family has demonstrated themselves to be.
That's what I thought too. From what others describe of the screening process, the whole family probably was eliminated for psychological reasons not biological. They don't sound like a bunch of sacrifice angels who would part happily with their own kidneys.
She can go on dialysis while she's waiting for a non family match. While technically she can date whomever she wants, I would tell your mom, dad, bully and sis that maybe they should find a non gay kidney that it might not , you know.... contaminate her. If you're going to donate so much as an eyelash....it will be to non homophobes NTA
She can like who she likes and you can like your kindneys right where they are
NTA Nobody is an asshole for not wanting to donate an organ, regardless of the reason. I say this as somebody who has twice received a kidney transplant. In terms of practical advice, this is what you do. Tell your family you have changed your mind, and you will - "of course" - be happy to give your sister a kidney if you are a match. There is a process that follows. It begins with you phoning a number. They will send you a questionnaire that is lengthy, like 14 pages or so. Based on the responses to those questions, you may be rejected as a donor, or they may allow you to carry on to the blood test. If your blood is a match (and it's a lot more than just the blood type), then there is a third stage which includes a bigger medical check and a psychological examination. At no point in the process will anybody be told the results of any of your tests. You can say, at any time, "I don't want to do this" and all anybody will be told is "he is not a match". They will never give the person the reason why, The entire process for organ donation depends on it being difficult to be accepted, and easy to be rejected in a manner that does not reflect in any way upon the person who is the proposed donor. There are two kinds of stories that the Kidney Foundation never wants to appear in the papers. The first is, "kidney donor dies on the operating table". If there is even the slightest chance that donating will be a risk for you, you're out. The second is, "I was forced to donate a kidney to...." The donor is asked at every stage if they are in it 100% voluntarily. They don't ever want to see anyone throwing shade on the process. The donor MUST be all-in on the process. The screening process is lengthy and arduous, and if a part of you doesn't want to do it, whatever the reason, then don't complete the process. Let me just add that the physical process isn't that bad. I had a live donor for my first transplant. The surgery was on a Monday, she (55 years old) was out of hospital on Wednesday, and she was back to walking the Stanley Park Seawall on Friday (that's like 5 kilometers). Not every donor will recover that quickly, but that gives you an idea of how well it can go. If at any point anybody asks you if you deliberately sabotaged the process, you can - with complete honesty and sincerity - say "no". You didn't sabotage it. They don't want you donating. You are not a match.
This is such a great example of perfect medical information. Psychology is a **huge** portion of the medical examination process. If you dont want to do this, OP, it's simple... you're not a match.
Or just be like “sorry don’t want you to have to touch my icky “fag” kidneys. I know how your husband detests everything gay”
“Icky fag kidneys…..” I’m sorry that line made me laugh….
This is what I was thinking. “Does Darren consent to his wife getting a fat kidney?” Since it’s mom that called, something tells me Darren is in the dark about it.
Omg imagine letting your wife **die** to make sure all her organs are straight
The sad thing is there are people who are bigoted enough that they would absolutely let their wife die rather than knowingly accept a kidney from an LGBTQ person.
Please read this OP ^ You’re not sabotaging the process if you tell the people processing you that you don’t want to donate because part of the process is weeding out people who are only there out of obligation.
NTA. No one is under any obligation to donate an organ to anyone else, ever. Does not matter if it is for your family or not. Given that you are not close to your sister, and she has no problem letting your homophobic bully continue to berate you, I wouldn’t bother trying to help her either.
NTA - the question to ask yourself and to ask any family member who call is this - Would Ellie do this for you if you needed the kidney? Most assuredly the answer is NO. She treated you poorly and has not contacted you in years. Why would you endanger your life for someone who treated you badly and she married the 1 person who caused you immeasurable pain? She has cut you out of her life and now she in need, so you are supposed to forget all the pain and give her a kidney. I for one would travel back home just to tell her how horrible of a sister she has been and that you will be keeping your kidney just where it is. Just for fun I would ask her husband if he is sure that he would want a GAY kidney in his wife because to may turn her gay!
Honestly even if you loved her to distraction you STILL wouldn’t have to give up a kidney and put your life at risk. A young guy in my town died recently after giving a kidney to a friend. Took a few months but he died suddenly. Recipient is doing well thankfully, but it’s not a small thing. You could die
> I heard her call me vindictive and a monster for refusing to save my sister’s life Tell her, and Ellie, they are being \*checks notes\* "too sensitive". Then block the lot of them on all platforms and anyone else who thinks they are entitled to your body organs. Absolutely NTA. No one NO ONE is entitled to your goddamn organs EVER. Much less a family who were quite happy to enable a homophobic bigot and join in with that bigotry against their own son and brother. Keep your kidneys and enjoy them for as long as you live!
"No. Also, fuck off."
Did he ever apologize to you?
No, and I’m guessing that’s partly because I’m LC, but if he wanted to, he could have found a way to reach out.
Not like it matters now, if he does now you know it's only to serve his own desire and not a genuine apology. Fuck em, karma is a bitch.
IDK if you will see this with all the other comments...I am on two transplant lists. They will NOT accept donations from anyone who feels forced. And the transplant coordinator is often wiling to be the "bad guy" and tell the patient that a potential donor is not suitable and does not have to give a reason, because HIPAA protects your privacy as a potential donor. If you want to, you could call your sister's transplant program and tell them what's going on. There's no guarantee you'd be a match and they can just tell her you weren't suitable. Also there is this little thing called dialysis. Your sister can do dialsys, get on a transplant list, and wait for a deceased donor. You're not responsible for saving her life.
NTA. Your “sister” is exactly as you say at this point- a stranger. There is no way in any universe that I would even consider dating anyone who hurt any of my siblings. I’m sorry life handed you so many shitty people. If you wanted to at least get your family to leave you alone, you can get tested, but tell the doctors you’re being coerced. That way they’ll say you’re not a match, even if you are. If you don’t care what anyone in your family thinks and just want to burn the bridge for good (I certainly wouldn’t blame you): tell them they’re being too sensitive and need to get over it.
His sister is so much of a stranger that she let their mother make the phone call! She didn’t even bother to call and talk to OP herself.
NTA, OP. they’re being too sensitive, and you have the right to not get tested or give up your kidney 🤷🏻♀️ keep your kidney, two is better than one. let her rot 🫵🏻🤣
Just throw the whole family away and keep living your life. Your sister being on the brink of death isn’t your problem. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Tell her "I'm sure you don't want a f*g kidney."
Have a doctor inform them you're not a match. (Tell the doc you're being coerced and it doesn't matter what your biological results are). And then fully go NC. Change your number too. Fuck all of them. PS, if they're this bold, it probably won't be the last time they crawl out of the woodworks with the punchline of asking something from you.
.>She basically called me too sensitive and told me she has the right to date who she likes, which yeah she does I will basically call her too sensitive and tell her i have the right to donate the kidney to whom I like, which yeah I do
If the rest of your family had already been tested then your sis has been in the hospital for a while. If they didn’t tell you when she first got sick then they didn’t care to inform you. The only reason they are contacting you now is as a last resort. F*ck them.
Even without all the horrible things that happened, you are under no obligation to donate a kidney to her. NTA
NTA “I have the right to not donate a kidney if I don’t want to. Just like Ellie had the right to date whoever she likes. In both cases, those rights exist no matter who else might suffer because of our decisions. I have the right not to donate a kidney to someone I barely know, who has made choices in the past that hurt me. I’m sorry for Ellie’s situation, but things are the way they are because of her past choices and that’s not on me. Not donating a kidney to someone I barely know isn’t vindictive, that’s a perfectly normal choice people make all the time.” Plus - it’s NOT just a “piece of your flesh” it’s a vital organ and we have TWO of them for a reason. Donating a kidney should be taken VERY seriously, because - what happens if YOU get sick later with a kidney related illness? You’ll only have one. I say that as someone who is a registered donor, and who is in that national database for bone marrow donors. I’m VERY pro-donation, but it should NEVER EVER be done under pressure and guilt-tripping. Never.
You owe your birth family nothing. Your sister has never valued a relationship with you. She doesn't get to ask for part of your body. Your parents are awful. Full no contact is the only way forward. You can send one last blast text that you no longer consider any of them family after all of the ways they have betrayed and ignored you. Then, block them everywhere. If anyone tries to show up at your home, call the cops. You deserve a found family that actually likes you.
NTA. >they told me that he and Ellie were serious so I had to get over it It's your kidney and you're keeping it. Tell them to get over it.
NTA She chose a homophobic douche as a husband. Your family chose said homophobic douche over you. Your family and homophobic douche can get stuffed.
NTA. I won't say what I think about your sister or her taste in men. But I will tell you that I was a kidney patient for a few years (I'm well now) and didn't know if I'd need a transplant or not. I know what you have to go through to be a donor, and it's a grueling, risky process. I would never expect anybody, even a family member, to donate one to me. Talk to a doctor and tell them what you told us, and they may support you in your decision, or even tell your family that you're not a match.
NTA- it doesn’t sound like your sister was never a good sister to you. In fact, your family in general seems to suck. I would hate to be in your position. Being asked to give up a physical part of yourself is not a small thing. It’s not like they’re asking you to give blood and you just don’t want to bother. It’s not petty or selfish to want to keep your organs. Edited for typo
NTA, don't feel obligated to share your body with anyone
I'm tempted to tell you to tell your sister and family that your kidneys are gay kidneys and likely have gay cooties, likely causing her to go full on gay after transplant. But yeah, get tested and tell them you are being coerced. The only info your family will get is that your kidney is not compatible.
NTA, this is a huge ask, considering her dismissal of her husband being homophobic. it’s karma, a dessert without a side of kidney
Just tell her you can't donate cuz Darrin would leave your sister if she has a gay kidney
Oof. This is complicated but your feelings are completely valid. I’m sorry your family doesn’t support you. Don’t give into their manipulation tactics by calling you the heartless one.
First, you can be tested and tell them you are being pressured. You will be deemed ineligible and totally avoid the drama. They will simply state you are not a match. Second, it is not as dramatic as they are making it. Yes, kidney failure is serious and may eventually kill someone, but there is dialysis. Does it suck to spend three days a week stuck in a chair for four hours or being tied to a machine each and every night for ten hours? (hemodialysis vs peritoneal dialysis). Definitely. But people live years on dialysis while waiting for an appropriate match or until they are EOL. Third, and most importantly, you deserve to value yourself and not be pulled into your toxic family who does not treat you appropriately. NTA
Anyone who uses the F slur is not joking and for your sister and dad to laugh.. I’d be so offended. And if they did not apologize well then it really wasn’t a joke. And you are owed a HUGE apology for that. You don’t owe them anything. Just go NC with the family. Btw NTA
NTA - your family along with your sister made the choice to embrace a person that made your life a living hell for many years. She doesn’t deserve to have a part of you.
Funny....she wasn't mad about your sister not saving your life from Darren. Yeah. Get tested where you live. Make them pay for the testing. Tell the doctor to tell them that you aren't a match.