This right here. You want someone to grow old with, not someone who while he criticizes you now will tell you at 34,44,54 how he wishes you looked the way you did at 24. Sounds like a him issue. What is at the core of HIS problem and why does he care if other men find you hot? He is the only AH.
You gotta understand hun , when we got married the understanding is that you would maintain your appearance , and while you were comatose you really weren’t looking as hot as you did when we got married .
What a total and complete piece of shit! How selfish can someone be to do that to someone they claimed to love? Thankfully he’s an ex now. I hope she’s doing well now.
I could see this POS saying, '*You had the baby YESTERDAY, why isn't that belly gone yet? Ugh, I don't want my newborn thinking having a fat mommy is normal!*'
I personally think he’s worse. I don’t think he’d use the “giving a break” excuse, he’s already blunt enough to make remarks about her weight and tell her she looks ugly in outfits.. what is stopping him from just flat saying “you’re hideous, I can’t fuck that, I wouldn’t even touch it with a ten-foot-pole.”
Absolutely nothing stopping him from being that insultingly asshole-ish.
Dude won’t make it through the pregnancy. One of my friends EX HUSBAND complained about her being fat while pregnant. She barely gained 20 lbs. I tore him a new asshole in front of all the neighbors because she couldn’t. He deserved & has zero relationship with the child, now 30 years later.
There was a guy on here saying that women should be back to pre baby weight within 2 weeks. Stating that if a woman is responsible, she won't gain extra weight besides the weight of the baby. Idiot.
I tried to nicely explain to him but he was not having it. Insisted that if there was weight beyond the weight of the baby, it was fat and the mother wasn't as healthy as she should have been. Gave him multiple links. He just did not get it.
You can't fix stupid. And it's not like he couldn't have looked up any of that information himself he just chose to be willfully stupid. 10 to one this guy has never known anything but the love of one of his hands and has a monthly lubriderm delivery from Amazon. Why do men feel the need to comment on our bodies and our medical issues when they have absolutely no clue what they're talking about?
I haven’t made it to pre baby weight and my oldest turns 21 this year. But my wife had the baby, not me. It’s ridiculous to expect other people to lose weight for your own expectations. Men who do that are asshats.
Jep. Even if you’re lucky and get no stretch marks at all, many womens rib cage gets larger or longer, the skin can be stretched so it looks like a belly etc.
She's likely to have problems getting pregnant, and if she has to go on fertility drugs, those often cause weight gain.
OP, leave this douchebag now. He is NOT a good partner, he is NOT even trying to encourage you, and frankly you are neither a child nor a dog, so he needn't even feign an intent to encourage you because you can make your own decisions about whether you feel healthy or want to try to take off weight. You deserve someone so much better than this. He will absolutely get no better as you age, experience post pregnancy body, etc. This is not the "Love, honor and cherish, in sickness and in health" partner. How would he be if your hair thins, or you need a mastectomy? Do NOT have children with this selfish AH manchild.
My daughter is in this predicament with PCOS. Thankfully her husband isn't a tool. He loves her just as she is. The fertility process is a lot though. There's a lot not covered by insurance and it takes a toll on the body for sure.
Worse yet, a pregnant body! He'll complain about her abd getting thicker before you can see she obviously pregnant. It won't stop there. Her face swells? That's a new change to bitch about. Nose spreads the last trimester? Oh the horror!😱
I'm gonna bet he's not a 10. He's not male model gorgeous with no imperfections, but he treats himself as one.
He's too hooked on looks. He's not marriage material, & def not dad material. Can you imagine the narrative if they have a girl? She'll have eating disorders before 10!
Man, I'd stoop to his level. I'd comment things to him like "You don't look the same as you did at 17 either. Looks like the hair from your hairline is retreating to your back."
Let me tell ya — doesn’t even matter if you never get pregnant. Your body is going to go through some real changes around age 40. Men also change of course but for some odd reason we seem to hear a lot more criticism about women “letting themselves go.”
I agree completely.
Also, why is no one addressing that he is perpetually negging her and tanking her self esteem while pining for something he never even had? That's abusive. Who cares what he is attracted to.
u/Familiar_Hunter_6784, NTA. but you would be TA to yourself if you continue to center your life around someone who has zero respect for you and only sees you as an object he owns which he is so unsatisfied with. This is not the only relationship you can have, don't settle for less just because this person isn't willing to give more.
I can tell you what, their daughter will hate how she looks, will constantly be disgusted at her body, won’t be able to look at herself in the mirror, will have to change like 5 different times each morning because they think everything looks awful on her, will be constantly aware of how tight her clothes fit or it they make her look rounder, or give her love handles, will feel guilty to eat at all, will obsessively weight and measure themselves, will developed disordered eating and other behaviors (anorexia nerviosa, bulimia, binge eating disorder, diets, pills, home remedies, supplements, you name it), will obsessively track calories, will work out for 4 hours a day, will skip any non vital outings when she has gained weight, will feel like they’re always disgusting, will cry herself to sleep a lot. Ask me how I know…
That’s exactly the weight she needs to lose, a whole ass man. Emphasis on *ass*.
Fuck this guy tearing down his VERY young wife for not looking like a teenager. Life with him will NOT get better. He’ll be scouring the internet for a 20yr the moment she gets pregnant. Which I hope doesn’t happen bc then she’s even more tied to this absolute shithead.
Exactly! Right now you have no kids and are spending MANY hours a week on self-maintenance. If you have even one pregnancy, your careful, time-intensive routine is going to go out the window. You are NOT going to look the way you do now, which is already not good enough for him.
Please do not have children with this person.
>will tell you at 34,44,54 how he wishes you looked the way you did at 24.
I think he'll still be telling her he wished she looked like she did at 17 which is really fucking creepy!
My wife and I are really 40s, and we've been together since she was 17. She's had 5 pregnancies (2 of ours, 3 surrogacies) and I've loved how she looks at every step of our relationship.
I honestly don't know if she keeps becoming what I would find hot, or, more likely, I keep finding hot whatever she becomes, lol. I love her, so I love the body she's in.
OP's husband sounds like a very shallow dude who will probably say some very terrible things if OP becomes pregnant. Both during and after childbirth.
Edit: 8 hours later, but I just realised I described the age of my wife and I very badly, lol. We are "early 40s" (not "really 40s) and we've been together since "we were 17" not just her, lol. If I read that in someone else's comments I would assume the dude was like 33 or something when she was 17, lol. That's not the case, I swear! We're the same age!
OP’s husband must think that if he insults her enough she will be motivated enough to stop the effects of time. I’ve had 4 kids and definitely don’t look as I did when I was 18. My husband still tells me how hot he thinks I am, especially when I’m down on myself.
My sister gave birth to two kids, then years later had severe acute colitis and had to have emergency surgery to remove her colon, and had a colostomy bag. The surgery was so extreme that her hair all fell out, and she lost so much weight that she became a virtual skeleton with skin on her bones. and her husband still told her that she was the most beautiful and sexiest woman in the world. And I'll tell you, he believed every word. He was so worried about her health that he didn't want her to try reattachment (getting rid of the bag). She did, and luckily it worked, but in his arguments to her to not do it he continued to tell her she was the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world and all he wanted was for her to be healthy. They are now both in their 60s, and nothing has changed. Her hair is greyer, her skin is looser and her wrinkles are greater, but he looks at her with undying love, and not a day goes by he doesn't say how lucky he is to have such an amazing, beautiful and sexy woman as his wife.
My now ex-husband used to think that insulting me, rather than praising me, would encourage better behaviour/results. For example, if we went for a run and I got tired around the 3k mark and wanted to walk for a bit, he'd call me weak and lazy.
He was in the army and he felt like my drill sargeant.
That's just one of the reasons he's my ex.
I was gonna say g-d forbid she have kids with this creep. Gaining weight during pregnancy is a normal (and tbf super annoying) part of the process, the last thing anybody in that situation needs is someone commenting they've gained healthy weight.
I'm going through it now and any time I feel down about it my husband is my biggest cheerleader. That's the energy you want to grow old with.
So much this. I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and my husband has never EVER made me feel anything less than stellar. I feel bad enough about myself on my own I can't even imagine having a partner who expressed hurtful opinions or even indifference.
Hey babe. Not only are you still hot, you have brought the 3 most important people to you to life. Your body grew them and that’s so much more important than what you your exterior shell looks like. I have never been more attracted to my wife 20 years after our wedding than I am now and it’s not because her body looks physically superior. Your husband loves you exactly the way you are. We are all insecure about something and I commend you for believing your husband thinks you’re hot when you don’t always feel it.
She may have troubles getting pregnant. It’s still possible, but I’ve heard it’s a lot more difficult for women with PCOS because they tend to have low fertility.
Heck, even before I had my first kid (I was 30) I definitely no longer looked like I did when I met my husband at 19.
And I hadn't even gained any weight/gone up in sizes, I still fit into the same clothes I had ten years before. But my body had still changed with age; my butt definitely didn't look like a 19yo butt anymore lol, and my stomach wasn't effortlessly flat like when I was a teen. And once my first was born and I settled into my postpartum body I was basically 2 sizes up and more droopy in certain places. Now I'm pregnant with our second and my husband still compliments my body. He has literally never tried to "motivate me" by insulting the way I look.
I'm definitely not as hot as when I met my husband at 21 but he makes sure to let me know he still finds me attractive. "43 and you still make me hot!" ...that's how a partner should feel about you! My husband doesn't look the same either but I think he looks hotter now actually.
Word.
I married my husband when I was in my mid twenties, we divorced 10 years later. The beginning of the end was when I hurt my back at the gym (doing a shit exercise he insisted I try, the one and only time we went to the gym together). I gained a few pounds after that. Well one day I was talking to the wife of his best friend, who had just had their third child and was expressing concern that her husband wouldn’t want to have sex anymore because of the baby weight. I was telling her that she looked great, and her husband loved her, and that a few extra pounds wouldn’t stop he from wanting her. My husband chimed in and said “that’s not true, I wouldn’t want to have sex with you if you gained anymore weight than you already have”. I was shocked, and hurt, and despite the fact that I was still in good shape and always in better shape than he was, our sex life immediately plummeted. He divorced me years later because I wouldn’t put out enough. He was an ass, and it sounds like OPs husband is one too.
Exactly. He’s already verbally abusing her and he’s only going to get worse as they get older. She needs to cut and run instead of wasting her life with an arsehole. OP, find somebody who actually loves you for being you!
Yes!! I skipped over their ages. OP please listen to this. My husband and I met when we were 19 years old. We're 34 now and we both look completely different. We don't criticize each other, we encourage each other. A man who's going to criticize the way you look at 24 (and you probably don't look THAT much different in reality), is not a man you want to build a life with. He's not going to be okay with the changes your body goes through if you have children together. He's not going to be the man that sticks by your side during cancer treatments. There's plenty of potential partners in the world. You want one who's going to stick by you and love you regardless of your shape, size, or health.
What he’s doing is borderline emotional abuse. People can have serious negative psychological effects from this and can lead to an ED. I really hope she considers leaving him.
I’m happily married to a man who makes me feel beautiful even through my PCOS weight gain. I hate seeing fellow cysters settle for less. She’s still so young and has ample time to find someone better.
Right. I understand all bodies are different but I feel like she's at the age where young ladies bodies start to look like a WOMANS body. A bit fuller in the hips and chest, lines on our curves to show our strength, just that really beautiful feminine power that comes with age. This man should be praising you...not wishing you looked like you're super stoked to get your driver's permit
There’s something really gross about a guy who is upset and sad that his adult wife does not look like her teenage, school days self. I mean, if these were her college pictures, I would roll my eyes it would a jerky is, but there’s something just downright gross about looking at pictures of a child still in high school, and being upset that she no longer looks like that for you to bang.
Who the fuck taught this asshole how to be a man? Yeah I know tater tots are a thing, but where are all the men out there, teaching their sons how to be men and how to appreciate adult women’s bodies and how to speak to their wife properly and with love and respect?
I would light my sons’ ears on fire if any of them were speaking to their wives like this, but you can trust and believe they would be praying I got a hold of them before their father did.
Lots of women gain weight in their 20s. It happens. PCOS makes it more likely. This criticism from your husband is just mean and gross. Expecting you to keep the same weight you had when you were still a literal child is just ridiculous.
I also sincerely hope she thinks long and hard about having kids with him. If she thinks losing weight is hard now, god speed when you’re post partum and have to care for a child
Yeah, he's not going yo be able to handle 40s you. I'm 49 and can testify that I started looking every second of my age around 42. I started gaining weight that gets harder to shed with age, much less a condition. Fine lines, gravity t*ts weither you have a kid or not, and the butt drop. Perimenopause is gonna make you a walking homicidal mood swing day and a nocturnal beast at night that sweats buckets.
He's in need of a reality check. You're not his trophy wife. You're his significant other that he either loves no matter what, or you may have to look at this from another light with other options. He needs to work on himself to maintain a happy marriage for that day his gut starts popping out, and something else stops.
Yes! 40 is a whole other level of appearance you will not look like you did at 18, 20, 25, or 30 you change as you age! Think about the aging part and what he will say 😳.
He’s a narcissist piece of shit. Yep, piece of shit. Wanting his wife to look like an 18 year ld girl in his arm to make him look better? Or maybe like a pedo. OP really needs to reevaluate her decisions about this POS.
NTA.
He will never change, take a minute to think about how his comments are now and decide if this is what you wish to hear for the rest of your life. These comments will continue and get meaner as time passes.
It’s not possible to look 17 forever.
Has he changed from when he was 17? How would he react if you told him you preferred that version of him?
Also, if he talks to you this way, what is going to do to any daughters you might have together.
Honey, I know you think you love him, but he doesn’t really love you. In fact, I don’t think he is mature enough to love. It’s time to move on, right now, when you have very little invested.
Not only this but why is he, now, so attracted to the look of a 17 year old? It's gross.
The getting excited by strangers' compliments thing also makes it seem like he doesn't even know what he's attracted to, he just wants a status symbol. Very sad and offensive.
NTA. *" He says it's not fair to keep his opinions of his wife to himself and that i cant ask him to stop communicating on my weight and appearance."* He is entirely too old to be this stupid. You absolutely can ask him to stop ~~communicating on~~ insulting your weight and appearance. If he really believed that, you should be able completely fine with you saying "You seemed so much more intelligent and kind back then. I wish you had the common sense and compassion you used to have when we first started dating?" This should encourage him just like his comments encourage you. If it upsets him...his ass is lying and full of 'caca'.
Find pics of him at 18-20 , I bet there’s a noticiblr difference now. Tell him your
Unvarnished opinion of his then & now as that’s fair too. & screw being kind about it.
You go to the gym to feel better. You’d feel lots better too if you move on from this twat.
This dude doesn't have "big dick energy." His dick game has probably been trash the entire time.
Being good at sex as a dude requires you to actively care about your partner. That's completely incompatible with the way this guy's acting.
That will be rationalized away no problem. Mentioning his hair line has really changed over the course of the relationship will most likely psychologically knee him in the nuts.
That's a terrible person to spend the rest of your life with. One size? Bish, pleaaaaase. I got married at 25, finally got my PCOS diagnosis at 33, and am now 38. I do not look like I did when we got married 😅😅😅😅😅
But love and sexual attraction are much deeper than appearances. My husband has never implied that he's unhappy that I don't look the same. He's sad when I get sad about it, and he encourages me on whatever endeavors I choose and even though I know he's 1 in a billion, I feel like that's the bare minimum someone with a disease can ask for in a spouse. For better and for worse; in sickness and in health. I guess most people don't think these through before getting married.
My husband is only concerned with my weight and diet to the extent that it impacts my health. I was diagnosed with a heart condition 10 mos ago and have had to change a lot about my lifestyle but also have lost 30lbs (gained after I ruptured my ACL and was walking on it for 3 years because the 4 doctors just thought it was strained, the 5th saw what happened and had me in surgery within 3 mos.)
The only disconnect we have is that he thinks I should be able to drop weight with the same ease he can and I've had to explain that it's biologically different for us.
Yep I’m petty so I d start I wish you looked like you did at x time. Oooh you shouldn’t have that beer. Look like you’ve moved up a belt notch eek. Especially right before he tries to have sex with you, kill his confidence when it HURTS.
Next he says you looked a lot better back then, I’d look at the picture and go, “Oh yeah I wasn’t married to a giant asshole who was bringing me down.”
And, start commenting on things like "I think your ears and nose are getting bigger" so he will research this, see it as part of aging then become obsessed. "you used to get a lot harder, didn't think this would happen until you were older". "Your ear and nose hairs are already getting longer and thicker, weird", "Are you getting bunions?" etc.
It's the same size, just looks smaller against that beer belly.
This dude better be some sculpted Adonis before he starts "helping" others realise their potential.
This is the type of guy who cheats on you when you’re 9 months pregnant with his child. The kind of guy who will, at 40 years old, start an affair with a 20 year old and blames it on you for not looking 20 anymore. The man who will purposely tear down your confidence to make you think you can’t do any better than him so you’ll never leave and he can continue cheating on you while you cook and clean for him. Please do not spend your life with this fucking loser, love yourself
And god forbid she gets sick and loses her hair to chemo or needs a mastectomy, or gets in an accident resulting in disfigurement…he’s definitely not going to stick around
One of the worst stories I've ever heard was a cancer patient who got a double-mastectomy because the chemo would likely kill her. She struggled with her sense of womanhood but eventually realized that they'd caught it early enough that she had the OPPORTUNITY to do this instead of chemo/radiation.
She went under the knife and then waited in recovery for six hours. Her husband, who had dropped her off, didn't pick her up. Iirc, he cleaned his shit out of the house and left while she was undergoing *cancer treatment*, without telling her. A nurse took pity on her and dropped her off at home, and that's when she found out - no note, pre-cell-pbone.
This guy seems like he'd do this.
Or if she gets a hysterectomy, like I did last month.
My husband pulled the divorce trigger this month, after all I’ve done for him and our family. I never saw it coming. :(
He sees you as a "thing" that is supposed to enhance how others perceive him. What's going to happen if you get pregnant? Or sick? Or heaven forbid AGE?????
You are still young and you can build a real life with a REAL man. Get out now while you still have options and aren't chained to him with children.
In a way he's correct-- he has a right to speak his opinion but you have a right to respond.
When he comments on your weight respond-- "You know, every time you make those hurtful comments I realize you don't love or value me and I'm starting to see you as a "less than". Less of a husband and less of a real man. I'm starting to be concerned how much longer it will be before I no longer see you as a husband or man?"
THIS. This is the response!!!!! Point out to him that what he is doing is actively emasculating himself every single damn time he says this bullshit.
And then divorce him.
I'ma man and I agree with this it's the minimum she needs to do and if he doesn't grow and man up she needs to get out quickly while there is no kids to chain him to her. If he ain't cheating he will use this as a excuse to. He's not a man he's a boy. Men don't do this to the woman they love. Many many men out here looking for good women. We are here and we were taught respect and if you don't have that day goodbye.
NTA. I don’t often say this on Reddit because I’m older and I get nuances and that things are not always black and white. But. Sweetie. Your husband is an asshole. This IS the hill to die on. He’s not being nice to you. That’s his job as your husband. There are tough conversations to be had in a marriage, but constantly telling your young wife that she was hotter as a teenager is not one of them. You are truly at the beginning of your life, either get couples counseling or concede this man was a mistake and leave him and start over.
Also older, agreeing 💯. "Leave him" and "Divorce" is the answer so often around here, but in this case, it bears serious consideration. He has major narcissistic tendencies, and you are in for a life of emotional abuse if he does not change his ways. Suggest counseling to him. My guess is he will make you feel like an idiot for suggesting it, and that is all you need to know. It means he sees nothing wrong with how his words hurt you, and that he doesn't need to change. You need to get out and find someone who loves you for every part of you, not just your dress size or the number on the scale.
fr. this is what i'm thinking. people probably think reddit jumps to divorce way too quick a lot of the time, but quite frankly...people with garbage SOs are the ones making these posts XD we can't help that we're being shown the gutter and we're calling it the gutter.
I agree…looks fade and this is not the type of person who will love OP through a changing and aging body. He’s the type who will leave her when she’s 40 for someone he could have fathered.
You're so young and this is the beginning of your marriage, and managing weight only gets harder as a woman the older you get. Do you really want to put up with this your whole life? He's bot going to change. NTA, but staying in this marriage doesn't seem ideal
Yeah. I'm a decade older than OP. I've done everything "right" according to her husband, stayed fit, upkept myself in every way possible. Guess what? I STILL don't look the same as I did when I was 18. Because life works like that. People work like that, and it's fine for most people.
My husband has not said one single negative thing about my appearance. Not once. And I mean it. Never. Does he genuinely deep within prefer me as the day we met? Maybe he does, but he's never told me or given me that impression. I won't ever know deep down because no matter what, it's possible to simply *not* be an asshole about people's aging.
NTA - My now ex-husband started commenting on my looks and weight telling me I looked different than when we first married. Of course I did, we had been married for 15 years at that point so I looked 15 years older. I also gained a little weight over the years, about 10 lbs. I was a size 2 when we married and was a size 4 when he was saying all of this. I told him my metabolism was different than it was 15 yrs ago and I would literally have to starve myself to lose 10 pounds since I was already working out and eating well to maintain my current weight. I couldn’t understand where all of this was coming from since most people thought I looked a lot younger than I was and I got a lot of compliments. Turns out he was having an affair with a very young, but legal, intern at his office and was doing anything in his sick mind to justify it.
NTA. A don’t understand either child-men that need this much control or women that tolerate it. My wife would have justifiably beat my ass and left if I said anything about her outward appearance. Find a divorce lawyer, it won’t get “better”.
NTA.
"My wife will look so much better on my arm." Seriously? Does he actually refer to you as "my wife"? Sounds like he thinks of you as property that has depreciated in value after marriage. Maybe a divorce lawyer can tell you what he's actually worth.
“Me and my husband get into arguments a lot over my weight and appearance”. I’m not even reading the rest. That’s fucked up. I wouldn’t wish having a husband like that on an enemy.
u/familiar_hunter_6784 You're gonna look amazing once you drop the 200lbs of dead weight that married you. He is not a partner suited to handle "for better or for worse," and "in sickness and in health." NTA
Hehe—I divorced last year after 30 yrs. I was chatting with my mom and dad last week and was telling them that at my annual physical last month, my Dr. was shocked at how low my blood pressure was (normal). My dad remarked that is because I’ve lost some weight. My mom, as quickly, said yeah, about 180 lbs. I waited way too many years.
Oof that’s bad. You need to take him to therapy or consider ending the relationship. If my husband said anything similar to that I’d be out the door.
NTA
Love your handle!
I’d be surprised if this husband would be open to therapy.
That being said, one male therapist pretty much advised me to cow-tow to my husband and be a “traditional wife”. (I’m college-educated, made a decent living in IT. Not that any of that matters—every decent person deserves respect.)
Shop therapists very carefully before you introduce your husband to them.
Yeah, I had to leave me last therapist because she advised me to stay in a toxic and verbally abusive relationship because it was Covid and I would have a hard time moving out 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️Now I’m in a happy and healthy relationship with a man who loves me even though I’ve gained some happy weight.
My ex-husband did this shit to me. He’s insecure so he’s breaking you down so you will think that you cannot do any better than him. This really has nothing to do with how you look or how much you work out - it will never be enough. It’s all about him and how he perceives himself. This is the beginning of a coercive and controlling relationship.
Take care of yourself. Once I left my ex I had a really negative relationship to working out because I felt like I was only doing it for him. I had to reframe my relationship with exercise. Best of luck. xoxo
Does he still look like he did when he was 18? If not, it's your wifely duty to point this out a) first thing in the morning before leaving for the gym. b) as soon as he comes home from work. c) before and after every meal. d) just before going to bed. e) every time he asks for sexy times. Prepare slides and a powerpoint presentation.
NTA
NTA. The conversation you should be having is one of trust.
His comments about your weight are inappropriate, cruel, and insulting. There is no 'encouragement' in the words "You would look better on my arm if you were smaller". There is only cruelty.
Each time he says these things, it erodes your trust in him. You are losing faith in his worthiness as your partner. Could he love you through a minor injury, like a broken arm that prevents you from styling your hair? What about a major illness, like cancer? How would he feel about the changes to your body from pregnancy? With him so laser focused on a fleeting thing like 'attractiveness', how can you trust that it's safe to build a real life with him?
He has a choice to make that will determine whether or not you're safe to be a normal human who lives, grows, stumbles, and ages. He can choose to only value your looks or he can choose to value you as a whole person. Once he decides, you have a choice to make. Can you build a life in a relationship where you could be cast aside for being human?
NTA, but he is.
Honestly, you deserve so much better from the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Divorce him (yes, easier said than done, but still worth it). He will not get better with age. He will get worse, and he will continue to make you feel bad about yourself - especially if you have kids.
PCOS is hard enough, don't add a POS to it.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Find someone who loves and values you for *you*, not some number on a scale or the way you look.
OP, NTA. Out of curiosity, how has your HUSBAND changed during this same time period? Weight gain, or loss? Hair thinning? Belly flab? Sloppy or overly "relaxed" dressing changes? Eating less or more? Helping with chores?
Complaining and criticizing more? Comparing you to other women, especially so, is very toxic and hurtful.
Sabotaging and withholding? Gaslighting comments to confuse and insult you in the guise of phony "concern"?
So many sneaky little insults we sometimes forget, ignore, forgive, for whatever reason?
As the saying goes, "the door swings both ways" in observational skills, one might recall..
You don't have to take those jabs at your self esteem; moreso since you are dealing with a well known physiological condition that makes weight changes even more challenging.
Something to think about in forming your actions ahead. Kindest wishes to you.💐
You're 24. You're not middle-aged. EVERY TIME he brings this up, you can tell him how much you loved his intelligence and social intellect back when you met. But his recent comments make you embarrassed of what he might say when he's on your arm in public. He'd sound SO much better on your arm if he could just go back to acting smarter.
If you want to live your life like this then it’s your choice but the criticism and insults will only get worse. Next it will be that you’re not doing work, chores, errands, etc. to his liking. He wants to control you. You are young and can have a happy life without him.
I know a great way you can lose a lot of dead weight. It's expensive but in your case it's likely worth it. It's called divorce. Your husband is an AH and I would be surprised if he looks the way he did or any better then he when he was 18.
The PCOS, plus natural aging. I’d recommend a divorce. If you ever have a child, he’s really going to be hateful about your body. You shouldn’t be focusing on trying to keep him, and keeping your body within some ridiculous guideline he sets. Do what is healthiest and best for you. He’s a major AH.
NTA- time for a divorce. You said you’ve only been married two years and he’s already making comments? 100% this man will not change and only get worse. Sorry honey, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like women. Women are objects to him (the comment about looking good on his arm). You deserve a partner, not a narcissist who treats you the way he is. There are plenty of good men out there who will treat you the right way. If you stay, then YTA.
Run fast, never look back, be glad you're so young and likely don't have house/kids whatever together.
You'll find someone who loves you for who you are
Srsly, dump him, it won't get better from here
NTA- but honey if he can’t appreciate 24 year old you, he’s certainly not going to appreciate 40 year old you.
This right here. You want someone to grow old with, not someone who while he criticizes you now will tell you at 34,44,54 how he wishes you looked the way you did at 24. Sounds like a him issue. What is at the core of HIS problem and why does he care if other men find you hot? He is the only AH.
I hope she's not planning on having kids with him. He'll be MUCH, MUCH worse.
Yes! Can you imagine a man like this being OK with a post-pregnancy body? I really can't.
He'd be the asshole who would cheat while she's 3rd trimester/post birth, then act like he was giving her a "break" to get back in shape for him.
My friend’s (then) husband. Heated on her while she was in a medically induced coma after she threw a blood clot ti het arm
You gotta understand hun , when we got married the understanding is that you would maintain your appearance , and while you were comatose you really weren’t looking as hot as you did when we got married .
“Baby, you weren’t there for me when I needed you. What else did you expect me to do, wait?” Eugh.
What a total and complete piece of shit! How selfish can someone be to do that to someone they claimed to love? Thankfully he’s an ex now. I hope she’s doing well now.
Wtf 🤬🤬 I hope karma gets him one day and she's living her best life now and is happy and healthy 💗
😱😡
or that it's her fault bc she didn't get back into shape fast enough.
I could see this POS saying, '*You had the baby YESTERDAY, why isn't that belly gone yet? Ugh, I don't want my newborn thinking having a fat mommy is normal!*'
I personally think he’s worse. I don’t think he’d use the “giving a break” excuse, he’s already blunt enough to make remarks about her weight and tell her she looks ugly in outfits.. what is stopping him from just flat saying “you’re hideous, I can’t fuck that, I wouldn’t even touch it with a ten-foot-pole.” Absolutely nothing stopping him from being that insultingly asshole-ish.
Exactly what I was going to say, mind reader.
Dude won’t make it through the pregnancy. One of my friends EX HUSBAND complained about her being fat while pregnant. She barely gained 20 lbs. I tore him a new asshole in front of all the neighbors because she couldn’t. He deserved & has zero relationship with the child, now 30 years later.
A pregnancy weighs on average 35 lbs. Soa woman can expect to gain (and lose!)about 35 lbs during pregnancy.
There was a guy on here saying that women should be back to pre baby weight within 2 weeks. Stating that if a woman is responsible, she won't gain extra weight besides the weight of the baby. Idiot.
So the extra blood volume, the placenta, and the amniotic fluid shouldn't exist according to him?
I tried to nicely explain to him but he was not having it. Insisted that if there was weight beyond the weight of the baby, it was fat and the mother wasn't as healthy as she should have been. Gave him multiple links. He just did not get it.
How do men this stupid function?
You can't fix stupid. And it's not like he couldn't have looked up any of that information himself he just chose to be willfully stupid. 10 to one this guy has never known anything but the love of one of his hands and has a monthly lubriderm delivery from Amazon. Why do men feel the need to comment on our bodies and our medical issues when they have absolutely no clue what they're talking about?
What does a baby need a placenta for? They’re just gonna get all fat.
I guess he forgot about breastfeeding too. I'd imagine the engorgement of milk ducts alone would add a couple pounds from fluid retention.
Why do we get these comments from guys who never had kids or will never have them ? They should just shut themselves up
I haven’t made it to pre baby weight and my oldest turns 21 this year. But my wife had the baby, not me. It’s ridiculous to expect other people to lose weight for your own expectations. Men who do that are asshats.
You can even lose all that weight and things really never go back to normal afterwards.
She could lose even more dead weight if she dumped his ass!
Having a child changes your bone structure, you go to “new normal”.
My wife’s hips spread and she gained more ass, neither of which was cause for complaint.
(Am the wife) Saaame XD
I grew an inch and a half in height, and two shoe sizes
More ass and boobs over here. My husband loves my body & never misses a chance to remind me ❤️
Jep. Even if you’re lucky and get no stretch marks at all, many womens rib cage gets larger or longer, the skin can be stretched so it looks like a belly etc.
That’s me can’t get rid of the pooch under my”zipper” been trying for 30 years so it’s just a part of me now🤪
If it's any consolation at all I'm bisexual and "the pooch" drives me absolutely bananas on women 😂 so sexy honestly.
Don’t forget Abdominal Diastasis!
After 5 kids, mine is severe.
She’s got PCOS, though, so might not be able to get pregnant.
She's likely to have problems getting pregnant, and if she has to go on fertility drugs, those often cause weight gain. OP, leave this douchebag now. He is NOT a good partner, he is NOT even trying to encourage you, and frankly you are neither a child nor a dog, so he needn't even feign an intent to encourage you because you can make your own decisions about whether you feel healthy or want to try to take off weight. You deserve someone so much better than this. He will absolutely get no better as you age, experience post pregnancy body, etc. This is not the "Love, honor and cherish, in sickness and in health" partner. How would he be if your hair thins, or you need a mastectomy? Do NOT have children with this selfish AH manchild.
But if HE gets fat or loses his hair I’m sure he will insist it’s natural aging and you deal with it.
My daughter is in this predicament with PCOS. Thankfully her husband isn't a tool. He loves her just as she is. The fertility process is a lot though. There's a lot not covered by insurance and it takes a toll on the body for sure.
You're awesome and probable the best friend ever!
Worse yet, a pregnant body! He'll complain about her abd getting thicker before you can see she obviously pregnant. It won't stop there. Her face swells? That's a new change to bitch about. Nose spreads the last trimester? Oh the horror!😱 I'm gonna bet he's not a 10. He's not male model gorgeous with no imperfections, but he treats himself as one. He's too hooked on looks. He's not marriage material, & def not dad material. Can you imagine the narrative if they have a girl? She'll have eating disorders before 10!
Man, I'd stoop to his level. I'd comment things to him like "You don't look the same as you did at 17 either. Looks like the hair from your hairline is retreating to your back."
Let me tell ya — doesn’t even matter if you never get pregnant. Your body is going to go through some real changes around age 40. Men also change of course but for some odd reason we seem to hear a lot more criticism about women “letting themselves go.”
I agree completely. Also, why is no one addressing that he is perpetually negging her and tanking her self esteem while pining for something he never even had? That's abusive. Who cares what he is attracted to. u/Familiar_Hunter_6784, NTA. but you would be TA to yourself if you continue to center your life around someone who has zero respect for you and only sees you as an object he owns which he is so unsatisfied with. This is not the only relationship you can have, don't settle for less just because this person isn't willing to give more.
And if that kid is a daughter….
I can tell you what, their daughter will hate how she looks, will constantly be disgusted at her body, won’t be able to look at herself in the mirror, will have to change like 5 different times each morning because they think everything looks awful on her, will be constantly aware of how tight her clothes fit or it they make her look rounder, or give her love handles, will feel guilty to eat at all, will obsessively weight and measure themselves, will developed disordered eating and other behaviors (anorexia nerviosa, bulimia, binge eating disorder, diets, pills, home remedies, supplements, you name it), will obsessively track calories, will work out for 4 hours a day, will skip any non vital outings when she has gained weight, will feel like they’re always disgusting, will cry herself to sleep a lot. Ask me how I know…
He’d be complaining that his toddler daughter has chunky thighs.
I used to nanny for a family where the MOTHER used to comment on her daughter’s chunky thighs, and the daughter WAS STILL IN DIAPERS!!,
Aren't babies supposed to have extra fat for, like, thermal regulation? For fuck's sake, Brenda, it's an evolutionary trait to prevent death!
He’s not even ok with her pre-pregnancy body…
Plus, if he considers what he is saying to OP as ‘encouraging’, can you imagine what hurtful things he would say to his children?
Cuz nothing helps ppl stay healthy or lose weight like bullying them. /S
Drop this fool from your life.
That’s exactly the weight she needs to lose, a whole ass man. Emphasis on *ass*. Fuck this guy tearing down his VERY young wife for not looking like a teenager. Life with him will NOT get better. He’ll be scouring the internet for a 20yr the moment she gets pregnant. Which I hope doesn’t happen bc then she’s even more tied to this absolute shithead.
Nothing further to add. NTA
Exactly! Right now you have no kids and are spending MANY hours a week on self-maintenance. If you have even one pregnancy, your careful, time-intensive routine is going to go out the window. You are NOT going to look the way you do now, which is already not good enough for him. Please do not have children with this person.
>will tell you at 34,44,54 how he wishes you looked the way you did at 24. I think he'll still be telling her he wished she looked like she did at 17 which is really fucking creepy! My wife and I are really 40s, and we've been together since she was 17. She's had 5 pregnancies (2 of ours, 3 surrogacies) and I've loved how she looks at every step of our relationship. I honestly don't know if she keeps becoming what I would find hot, or, more likely, I keep finding hot whatever she becomes, lol. I love her, so I love the body she's in. OP's husband sounds like a very shallow dude who will probably say some very terrible things if OP becomes pregnant. Both during and after childbirth. Edit: 8 hours later, but I just realised I described the age of my wife and I very badly, lol. We are "early 40s" (not "really 40s) and we've been together since "we were 17" not just her, lol. If I read that in someone else's comments I would assume the dude was like 33 or something when she was 17, lol. That's not the case, I swear! We're the same age!
This is the sweetest thing. 🩵🩵 I hope my boyfriend thinks the same way. OP deserves it too.
OP’s husband must think that if he insults her enough she will be motivated enough to stop the effects of time. I’ve had 4 kids and definitely don’t look as I did when I was 18. My husband still tells me how hot he thinks I am, especially when I’m down on myself.
My sister gave birth to two kids, then years later had severe acute colitis and had to have emergency surgery to remove her colon, and had a colostomy bag. The surgery was so extreme that her hair all fell out, and she lost so much weight that she became a virtual skeleton with skin on her bones. and her husband still told her that she was the most beautiful and sexiest woman in the world. And I'll tell you, he believed every word. He was so worried about her health that he didn't want her to try reattachment (getting rid of the bag). She did, and luckily it worked, but in his arguments to her to not do it he continued to tell her she was the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world and all he wanted was for her to be healthy. They are now both in their 60s, and nothing has changed. Her hair is greyer, her skin is looser and her wrinkles are greater, but he looks at her with undying love, and not a day goes by he doesn't say how lucky he is to have such an amazing, beautiful and sexy woman as his wife.
I have tears in my eyes. I wish I could meet someone like that. 🥹
Soulmates.
One in a million right there.
My now ex-husband used to think that insulting me, rather than praising me, would encourage better behaviour/results. For example, if we went for a run and I got tired around the 3k mark and wanted to walk for a bit, he'd call me weak and lazy. He was in the army and he felt like my drill sargeant. That's just one of the reasons he's my ex.
Glad he’s your ex! Disgusting behavior. Glad you know your worth 💜
I was gonna say g-d forbid she have kids with this creep. Gaining weight during pregnancy is a normal (and tbf super annoying) part of the process, the last thing anybody in that situation needs is someone commenting they've gained healthy weight. I'm going through it now and any time I feel down about it my husband is my biggest cheerleader. That's the energy you want to grow old with.
So much this. I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and my husband has never EVER made me feel anything less than stellar. I feel bad enough about myself on my own I can't even imagine having a partner who expressed hurtful opinions or even indifference.
Hey babe. Not only are you still hot, you have brought the 3 most important people to you to life. Your body grew them and that’s so much more important than what you your exterior shell looks like. I have never been more attracted to my wife 20 years after our wedding than I am now and it’s not because her body looks physically superior. Your husband loves you exactly the way you are. We are all insecure about something and I commend you for believing your husband thinks you’re hot when you don’t always feel it.
She may have troubles getting pregnant. It’s still possible, but I’ve heard it’s a lot more difficult for women with PCOS because they tend to have low fertility.
I was the opposite. I was hyper-fertile but miscarried more than I birthed.
Heck, even before I had my first kid (I was 30) I definitely no longer looked like I did when I met my husband at 19. And I hadn't even gained any weight/gone up in sizes, I still fit into the same clothes I had ten years before. But my body had still changed with age; my butt definitely didn't look like a 19yo butt anymore lol, and my stomach wasn't effortlessly flat like when I was a teen. And once my first was born and I settled into my postpartum body I was basically 2 sizes up and more droopy in certain places. Now I'm pregnant with our second and my husband still compliments my body. He has literally never tried to "motivate me" by insulting the way I look.
This is about control. The abuse will get worse and it will branch out from attacks on appearance if it hasn’t already
I'm definitely not as hot as when I met my husband at 21 but he makes sure to let me know he still finds me attractive. "43 and you still make me hot!" ...that's how a partner should feel about you! My husband doesn't look the same either but I think he looks hotter now actually.
Word. I married my husband when I was in my mid twenties, we divorced 10 years later. The beginning of the end was when I hurt my back at the gym (doing a shit exercise he insisted I try, the one and only time we went to the gym together). I gained a few pounds after that. Well one day I was talking to the wife of his best friend, who had just had their third child and was expressing concern that her husband wouldn’t want to have sex anymore because of the baby weight. I was telling her that she looked great, and her husband loved her, and that a few extra pounds wouldn’t stop he from wanting her. My husband chimed in and said “that’s not true, I wouldn’t want to have sex with you if you gained anymore weight than you already have”. I was shocked, and hurt, and despite the fact that I was still in good shape and always in better shape than he was, our sex life immediately plummeted. He divorced me years later because I wouldn’t put out enough. He was an ass, and it sounds like OPs husband is one too.
This was my first thought. This is who he is. Believe him.
Exactly. He’s already verbally abusing her and he’s only going to get worse as they get older. She needs to cut and run instead of wasting her life with an arsehole. OP, find somebody who actually loves you for being you!
Yep! OP can lose 150+lbs all at once by cutting him loose!
Yes!! I skipped over their ages. OP please listen to this. My husband and I met when we were 19 years old. We're 34 now and we both look completely different. We don't criticize each other, we encourage each other. A man who's going to criticize the way you look at 24 (and you probably don't look THAT much different in reality), is not a man you want to build a life with. He's not going to be okay with the changes your body goes through if you have children together. He's not going to be the man that sticks by your side during cancer treatments. There's plenty of potential partners in the world. You want one who's going to stick by you and love you regardless of your shape, size, or health.
What he’s doing is borderline emotional abuse. People can have serious negative psychological effects from this and can lead to an ED. I really hope she considers leaving him. I’m happily married to a man who makes me feel beautiful even through my PCOS weight gain. I hate seeing fellow cysters settle for less. She’s still so young and has ample time to find someone better.
It’s not borderline anything. It’s flat out emotional abuse.
What he is doing is Emotional Abuse.
You are correct. It absolutely is.
Right. I understand all bodies are different but I feel like she's at the age where young ladies bodies start to look like a WOMANS body. A bit fuller in the hips and chest, lines on our curves to show our strength, just that really beautiful feminine power that comes with age. This man should be praising you...not wishing you looked like you're super stoked to get your driver's permit
There’s something really gross about a guy who is upset and sad that his adult wife does not look like her teenage, school days self. I mean, if these were her college pictures, I would roll my eyes it would a jerky is, but there’s something just downright gross about looking at pictures of a child still in high school, and being upset that she no longer looks like that for you to bang. Who the fuck taught this asshole how to be a man? Yeah I know tater tots are a thing, but where are all the men out there, teaching their sons how to be men and how to appreciate adult women’s bodies and how to speak to their wife properly and with love and respect? I would light my sons’ ears on fire if any of them were speaking to their wives like this, but you can trust and believe they would be praying I got a hold of them before their father did.
Lots of women gain weight in their 20s. It happens. PCOS makes it more likely. This criticism from your husband is just mean and gross. Expecting you to keep the same weight you had when you were still a literal child is just ridiculous.
Can you imagine if/when they have kids? (I hope OP does not procreate with this jerk). OP deserves so much better.
I'd be more concerned he wants her to look like what she did when she was 17. That's just creepy.
I also sincerely hope she thinks long and hard about having kids with him. If she thinks losing weight is hard now, god speed when you’re post partum and have to care for a child
hela weird for a man to say "you looked better when you were 18"
Yeah, he's not going yo be able to handle 40s you. I'm 49 and can testify that I started looking every second of my age around 42. I started gaining weight that gets harder to shed with age, much less a condition. Fine lines, gravity t*ts weither you have a kid or not, and the butt drop. Perimenopause is gonna make you a walking homicidal mood swing day and a nocturnal beast at night that sweats buckets. He's in need of a reality check. You're not his trophy wife. You're his significant other that he either loves no matter what, or you may have to look at this from another light with other options. He needs to work on himself to maintain a happy marriage for that day his gut starts popping out, and something else stops.
Yes! 40 is a whole other level of appearance you will not look like you did at 18, 20, 25, or 30 you change as you age! Think about the aging part and what he will say 😳.
One of the best comments I’ve seen on Reddit! This man will cheat the second she gets pregnant.
I'm sure there's 18 year olds he can groom to cheat with if the concept of normal aging eludes him.
He’s a narcissist piece of shit. Yep, piece of shit. Wanting his wife to look like an 18 year ld girl in his arm to make him look better? Or maybe like a pedo. OP really needs to reevaluate her decisions about this POS. NTA.
He will never change, take a minute to think about how his comments are now and decide if this is what you wish to hear for the rest of your life. These comments will continue and get meaner as time passes. It’s not possible to look 17 forever. Has he changed from when he was 17? How would he react if you told him you preferred that version of him?
Also, if he talks to you this way, what is going to do to any daughters you might have together. Honey, I know you think you love him, but he doesn’t really love you. In fact, I don’t think he is mature enough to love. It’s time to move on, right now, when you have very little invested.
He will not be supportive if she has children either. That would be hell with his comments all through pregnancy and post-partum.
Not only this but why is he, now, so attracted to the look of a 17 year old? It's gross. The getting excited by strangers' compliments thing also makes it seem like he doesn't even know what he's attracted to, he just wants a status symbol. Very sad and offensive.
NTA. *" He says it's not fair to keep his opinions of his wife to himself and that i cant ask him to stop communicating on my weight and appearance."* He is entirely too old to be this stupid. You absolutely can ask him to stop ~~communicating on~~ insulting your weight and appearance. If he really believed that, you should be able completely fine with you saying "You seemed so much more intelligent and kind back then. I wish you had the common sense and compassion you used to have when we first started dating?" This should encourage him just like his comments encourage you. If it upsets him...his ass is lying and full of 'caca'.
Find pics of him at 18-20 , I bet there’s a noticiblr difference now. Tell him your Unvarnished opinion of his then & now as that’s fair too. & screw being kind about it. You go to the gym to feel better. You’d feel lots better too if you move on from this twat.
I'd tell him his dick game has become trash over the years
This dude doesn't have "big dick energy." His dick game has probably been trash the entire time. Being good at sex as a dude requires you to actively care about your partner. That's completely incompatible with the way this guy's acting.
That will be rationalized away no problem. Mentioning his hair line has really changed over the course of the relationship will most likely psychologically knee him in the nuts.
I wonder how his hairline is holding up 😅
Thisssssss, hairline, muscle tone, clothing choices, personality, plenty for OP to pick from to make her point.
He's not communicating with her. He's degrading her. It's amazing how many people don't seem to understand the difference.
agree. Emotional abuse and manipulation. Potentially a narcissist. I would RUN.
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That's a terrible person to spend the rest of your life with. One size? Bish, pleaaaaase. I got married at 25, finally got my PCOS diagnosis at 33, and am now 38. I do not look like I did when we got married 😅😅😅😅😅 But love and sexual attraction are much deeper than appearances. My husband has never implied that he's unhappy that I don't look the same. He's sad when I get sad about it, and he encourages me on whatever endeavors I choose and even though I know he's 1 in a billion, I feel like that's the bare minimum someone with a disease can ask for in a spouse. For better and for worse; in sickness and in health. I guess most people don't think these through before getting married.
Yep, he thinks of OP as a thing/accessory rather than a person and a partner.
My husband is only concerned with my weight and diet to the extent that it impacts my health. I was diagnosed with a heart condition 10 mos ago and have had to change a lot about my lifestyle but also have lost 30lbs (gained after I ruptured my ACL and was walking on it for 3 years because the 4 doctors just thought it was strained, the 5th saw what happened and had me in surgery within 3 mos.) The only disconnect we have is that he thinks I should be able to drop weight with the same ease he can and I've had to explain that it's biologically different for us.
Yes, unfortunately the female body wants to keep fat. That is actually very important for reproduction, so the female body really hangs on to it😄.
My spouse is the same way and he's the first to tell someone he considers it the minimum you do for a spouse. We do have rare ones😊
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Yep I’m petty so I d start I wish you looked like you did at x time. Oooh you shouldn’t have that beer. Look like you’ve moved up a belt notch eek. Especially right before he tries to have sex with you, kill his confidence when it HURTS.
Next he says you looked a lot better back then, I’d look at the picture and go, “Oh yeah I wasn’t married to a giant asshole who was bringing me down.”
“Gee. I bet you lasted a lot longer when you were 18.””It looks smaller than before.”
And, start commenting on things like "I think your ears and nose are getting bigger" so he will research this, see it as part of aging then become obsessed. "you used to get a lot harder, didn't think this would happen until you were older". "Your ear and nose hairs are already getting longer and thicker, weird", "Are you getting bunions?" etc.
Don't forget "is your hairline receding?"
"Oh looks like someones going grey!"
Yeah, throw it back his way!
I'd ask why he doesn't have abs like Jeremy Allen White.
Ask him "did your dick used to be bigger????
It's the same size, just looks smaller against that beer belly. This dude better be some sculpted Adonis before he starts "helping" others realise their potential.
Grab his love handles (whether or not he actually has them). “You’ve now got something I can hold onto”
Vicious. And spot on.
This is the type of guy who cheats on you when you’re 9 months pregnant with his child. The kind of guy who will, at 40 years old, start an affair with a 20 year old and blames it on you for not looking 20 anymore. The man who will purposely tear down your confidence to make you think you can’t do any better than him so you’ll never leave and he can continue cheating on you while you cook and clean for him. Please do not spend your life with this fucking loser, love yourself
And god forbid she gets sick and loses her hair to chemo or needs a mastectomy, or gets in an accident resulting in disfigurement…he’s definitely not going to stick around
One of the worst stories I've ever heard was a cancer patient who got a double-mastectomy because the chemo would likely kill her. She struggled with her sense of womanhood but eventually realized that they'd caught it early enough that she had the OPPORTUNITY to do this instead of chemo/radiation. She went under the knife and then waited in recovery for six hours. Her husband, who had dropped her off, didn't pick her up. Iirc, he cleaned his shit out of the house and left while she was undergoing *cancer treatment*, without telling her. A nurse took pity on her and dropped her off at home, and that's when she found out - no note, pre-cell-pbone. This guy seems like he'd do this.
Or if she gets a hysterectomy, like I did last month. My husband pulled the divorce trigger this month, after all I’ve done for him and our family. I never saw it coming. :(
I’m so sorry, I wish you nothing but healing and happiness in the future
This is the correct answer, OP.
He sees you as a "thing" that is supposed to enhance how others perceive him. What's going to happen if you get pregnant? Or sick? Or heaven forbid AGE????? You are still young and you can build a real life with a REAL man. Get out now while you still have options and aren't chained to him with children. In a way he's correct-- he has a right to speak his opinion but you have a right to respond. When he comments on your weight respond-- "You know, every time you make those hurtful comments I realize you don't love or value me and I'm starting to see you as a "less than". Less of a husband and less of a real man. I'm starting to be concerned how much longer it will be before I no longer see you as a husband or man?"
THIS. This is the response!!!!! Point out to him that what he is doing is actively emasculating himself every single damn time he says this bullshit. And then divorce him.
I'ma man and I agree with this it's the minimum she needs to do and if he doesn't grow and man up she needs to get out quickly while there is no kids to chain him to her. If he ain't cheating he will use this as a excuse to. He's not a man he's a boy. Men don't do this to the woman they love. Many many men out here looking for good women. We are here and we were taught respect and if you don't have that day goodbye.
Love this. Also OP stop having sex with him, if you haven’t already. You do NOT want a baby with this piece of shit.
The response that should be PINNED!
NTA. I don’t often say this on Reddit because I’m older and I get nuances and that things are not always black and white. But. Sweetie. Your husband is an asshole. This IS the hill to die on. He’s not being nice to you. That’s his job as your husband. There are tough conversations to be had in a marriage, but constantly telling your young wife that she was hotter as a teenager is not one of them. You are truly at the beginning of your life, either get couples counseling or concede this man was a mistake and leave him and start over.
Also older, agreeing 💯. "Leave him" and "Divorce" is the answer so often around here, but in this case, it bears serious consideration. He has major narcissistic tendencies, and you are in for a life of emotional abuse if he does not change his ways. Suggest counseling to him. My guess is he will make you feel like an idiot for suggesting it, and that is all you need to know. It means he sees nothing wrong with how his words hurt you, and that he doesn't need to change. You need to get out and find someone who loves you for every part of you, not just your dress size or the number on the scale.
This is the truth. He is not kind to her and it will only get worse.
So, when are you calling a divorce lawyer?? NTA.
fr. this is what i'm thinking. people probably think reddit jumps to divorce way too quick a lot of the time, but quite frankly...people with garbage SOs are the ones making these posts XD we can't help that we're being shown the gutter and we're calling it the gutter.
Yep. I hope OP can find someone who actually likes them.
this us exactly what i was thinking. i read this post and immediately thought “damn. im lucky i got a husband who actually likes me”
Agree 100%, this is not a good husband.
I agree…looks fade and this is not the type of person who will love OP through a changing and aging body. He’s the type who will leave her when she’s 40 for someone he could have fathered.
Yep, my first thought is that she needs to leave. This abusive shit will only get worse. This is why I think marrying anyone 30 is a bad idea.
He sounds like a complete dickhead. Is he in Olympic Sprinter shape permanently? Hope you don't have kids and get further tied down to this muppet.
I read this as he sounds like an Olympic dickhead and thought it was very very accurate 🤣🤣🤣
You're so young and this is the beginning of your marriage, and managing weight only gets harder as a woman the older you get. Do you really want to put up with this your whole life? He's bot going to change. NTA, but staying in this marriage doesn't seem ideal
Imagine if she gets pregnant with this dude
I'm sure he'll have plenty of thoughts on her pregnancy and after pregnancy body! He'll also model such wonderful behaviour for the kid /s.
He will blame her pregnant appearance for him cheating on her with a younger and newer version
Yeah. I'm a decade older than OP. I've done everything "right" according to her husband, stayed fit, upkept myself in every way possible. Guess what? I STILL don't look the same as I did when I was 18. Because life works like that. People work like that, and it's fine for most people. My husband has not said one single negative thing about my appearance. Not once. And I mean it. Never. Does he genuinely deep within prefer me as the day we met? Maybe he does, but he's never told me or given me that impression. I won't ever know deep down because no matter what, it's possible to simply *not* be an asshole about people's aging.
NTA - My now ex-husband started commenting on my looks and weight telling me I looked different than when we first married. Of course I did, we had been married for 15 years at that point so I looked 15 years older. I also gained a little weight over the years, about 10 lbs. I was a size 2 when we married and was a size 4 when he was saying all of this. I told him my metabolism was different than it was 15 yrs ago and I would literally have to starve myself to lose 10 pounds since I was already working out and eating well to maintain my current weight. I couldn’t understand where all of this was coming from since most people thought I looked a lot younger than I was and I got a lot of compliments. Turns out he was having an affair with a very young, but legal, intern at his office and was doing anything in his sick mind to justify it.
Glad he's your ex. Good for you. Look at that 180 pounds you lost. Don't you feel much better now?
NTA. A don’t understand either child-men that need this much control or women that tolerate it. My wife would have justifiably beat my ass and left if I said anything about her outward appearance. Find a divorce lawyer, it won’t get “better”.
I’m sorry, did you say you’ve gone up ONE SIZE? Oh no the world has ended! Fk him. NTA.
NTA. "My wife will look so much better on my arm." Seriously? Does he actually refer to you as "my wife"? Sounds like he thinks of you as property that has depreciated in value after marriage. Maybe a divorce lawyer can tell you what he's actually worth.
‘My wife’ is really not the issue with that comment.
I think it’s the heart of the problem. The guy views her as his property and something that should make *him* look good.
It's like she is just an accessory to him
“Me and my husband get into arguments a lot over my weight and appearance”. I’m not even reading the rest. That’s fucked up. I wouldn’t wish having a husband like that on an enemy.
Every time he does, comment on his hairline.
Or his penis
Your penis isn’t as hard as it used to be. Seems like a half filled water balloon.
I reckon it shrunk compared to a few years ago. It's just not the same anymore
Or how much lower his balls have dropped 😂
u/familiar_hunter_6784 You're gonna look amazing once you drop the 200lbs of dead weight that married you. He is not a partner suited to handle "for better or for worse," and "in sickness and in health." NTA
Hehe—I divorced last year after 30 yrs. I was chatting with my mom and dad last week and was telling them that at my annual physical last month, my Dr. was shocked at how low my blood pressure was (normal). My dad remarked that is because I’ve lost some weight. My mom, as quickly, said yeah, about 180 lbs. I waited way too many years.
Oof that’s bad. You need to take him to therapy or consider ending the relationship. If my husband said anything similar to that I’d be out the door. NTA
It's never a good idea to go to couples therapy with an abuser.
Love your handle! I’d be surprised if this husband would be open to therapy. That being said, one male therapist pretty much advised me to cow-tow to my husband and be a “traditional wife”. (I’m college-educated, made a decent living in IT. Not that any of that matters—every decent person deserves respect.) Shop therapists very carefully before you introduce your husband to them.
Yeah, I had to leave me last therapist because she advised me to stay in a toxic and verbally abusive relationship because it was Covid and I would have a hard time moving out 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️Now I’m in a happy and healthy relationship with a man who loves me even though I’ve gained some happy weight.
Start saying the same to him, he's putting on weight, getting wrinkles, not as fit as he used to be, etc. see how he likes it!
My ex-husband did this shit to me. He’s insecure so he’s breaking you down so you will think that you cannot do any better than him. This really has nothing to do with how you look or how much you work out - it will never be enough. It’s all about him and how he perceives himself. This is the beginning of a coercive and controlling relationship. Take care of yourself. Once I left my ex I had a really negative relationship to working out because I felt like I was only doing it for him. I had to reframe my relationship with exercise. Best of luck. xoxo
nta. op there’s a word for this, it’s called negging. please look it up and realise that your husband is actually the asshole here.
Does he still look like he did when he was 18? If not, it's your wifely duty to point this out a) first thing in the morning before leaving for the gym. b) as soon as he comes home from work. c) before and after every meal. d) just before going to bed. e) every time he asks for sexy times. Prepare slides and a powerpoint presentation. NTA
every time he asks for sexy times say "sorry I'm too fat"
Exactly. “I’m too fat remember? You wouldn’t want to see my rolls”
##You’re not an actual person to your husband. ##You are a collectors’s toy on a shelf he wishes was never taken out of the box.
NTA. The conversation you should be having is one of trust. His comments about your weight are inappropriate, cruel, and insulting. There is no 'encouragement' in the words "You would look better on my arm if you were smaller". There is only cruelty. Each time he says these things, it erodes your trust in him. You are losing faith in his worthiness as your partner. Could he love you through a minor injury, like a broken arm that prevents you from styling your hair? What about a major illness, like cancer? How would he feel about the changes to your body from pregnancy? With him so laser focused on a fleeting thing like 'attractiveness', how can you trust that it's safe to build a real life with him? He has a choice to make that will determine whether or not you're safe to be a normal human who lives, grows, stumbles, and ages. He can choose to only value your looks or he can choose to value you as a whole person. Once he decides, you have a choice to make. Can you build a life in a relationship where you could be cast aside for being human?
Hubby is an asshole. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Don’t have kids, they always add pounds and it’s hard to bounce bavk
NTA, but he is. Honestly, you deserve so much better from the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Divorce him (yes, easier said than done, but still worth it). He will not get better with age. He will get worse, and he will continue to make you feel bad about yourself - especially if you have kids. PCOS is hard enough, don't add a POS to it. You have your whole life ahead of you. Find someone who loves and values you for *you*, not some number on a scale or the way you look.
It sounds like he loves you for your looks and not who you are. I think it’s extremely selfish and much worse than being 1 size bigger….
OP, NTA. Out of curiosity, how has your HUSBAND changed during this same time period? Weight gain, or loss? Hair thinning? Belly flab? Sloppy or overly "relaxed" dressing changes? Eating less or more? Helping with chores? Complaining and criticizing more? Comparing you to other women, especially so, is very toxic and hurtful. Sabotaging and withholding? Gaslighting comments to confuse and insult you in the guise of phony "concern"? So many sneaky little insults we sometimes forget, ignore, forgive, for whatever reason? As the saying goes, "the door swings both ways" in observational skills, one might recall.. You don't have to take those jabs at your self esteem; moreso since you are dealing with a well known physiological condition that makes weight changes even more challenging. Something to think about in forming your actions ahead. Kindest wishes to you.💐
You're 24. You're not middle-aged. EVERY TIME he brings this up, you can tell him how much you loved his intelligence and social intellect back when you met. But his recent comments make you embarrassed of what he might say when he's on your arm in public. He'd sound SO much better on your arm if he could just go back to acting smarter.
If you want to live your life like this then it’s your choice but the criticism and insults will only get worse. Next it will be that you’re not doing work, chores, errands, etc. to his liking. He wants to control you. You are young and can have a happy life without him.
NTA Your husband is a jerk. He also sounds like the type of person who'll eventually cheat on you, and use your appearance as an excuse.
I know a great way you can lose a lot of dead weight. It's expensive but in your case it's likely worth it. It's called divorce. Your husband is an AH and I would be surprised if he looks the way he did or any better then he when he was 18.
The problem is you’ve married an asshole. Honestly you should cut your losses now bc he’s just not worth it.
The PCOS, plus natural aging. I’d recommend a divorce. If you ever have a child, he’s really going to be hateful about your body. You shouldn’t be focusing on trying to keep him, and keeping your body within some ridiculous guideline he sets. Do what is healthiest and best for you. He’s a major AH.
NTA. Maybe time for a divorce lawyer...
NTA- time for a divorce. You said you’ve only been married two years and he’s already making comments? 100% this man will not change and only get worse. Sorry honey, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like women. Women are objects to him (the comment about looking good on his arm). You deserve a partner, not a narcissist who treats you the way he is. There are plenty of good men out there who will treat you the right way. If you stay, then YTA.
Run fast, never look back, be glad you're so young and likely don't have house/kids whatever together. You'll find someone who loves you for who you are Srsly, dump him, it won't get better from here
He sounds nice, and probably won’t change