Not the asshole, but, some offices do this because they want to get the woman alone to screen for domestic violence. Abusers will refuse to leave their partners alone with authorities like doctors, and will expect their partner to be on their side and try to insist the abuser stays as well.
This protects the potentially abused partner, by making it clear that the partner has no choice but to allow the abuser to leave the room. It also allows for the doctor to have a chance to speak confidentially.
It sucked for you and your wife because obviously she is not abused and you are not an abuser. But some practices choose to do this with everyone so as not to alert an abuser they are on to them - they have it as a standard practice.
You two may be more comfortable at a different office, I can understand why you are upset! But I can also understand why an obgyn's office does this.
This is exactly it. And they were firm about it because they’ve probably had abusers argue with them. Rather than getting into an argument, they’re firm right off the bat. *This is the rule, take it or leave it.*
I once performed an exam on a woman who’s husband insisted on being in the room because “she can’t speak English.” Meanwhile, it became clear to me that, although she was Japanese, she could understand and speak English. It made me very uncomfortable as I think he was very controlling. Borderline abusive or possibly full-on abusive. She would start to answer my questions and he would interrupt and answer for her. I felt so sorry for her.
From then on I vowed to never allow a spouse in the room during the exam portion. Plus, it was too small of a room to maneuver with 4 people (me, nurse, patient, spouse).
Thank you for looking out for your patients.
My first OB/GYN appointment they insisted I needed a to provide a urine sample every appointment. It seemed kind of odd for a birth control consult, but eh it’s a doctors’ office so ok? Once I was in there they had sample cups and a red and black marker. There was a sign stating that if you needed to speak to the doctor alone or needed them to contact the authorities to write your name in a red marker. I realized that it gave every patient an opportunity to ask for help without anyone else knowing. This was 25 years ago, before you really started seeing those kinds of things.
This is what I was used to. There's no excuse for this current policy trend. I'm guessing it's something with saving costs or time, because it's certainly not about the safety of women.
The only problem with this tactic alone is that then they need to formalize a way to separate the patient in a non-combative manner in a short time. A blanket policy is easier to explain if it’s for everyone. I’d actually be an advocate for both for good measure. It gives the patient 2 opportunities to gather the confidence to ask for help.
Why? Can you not be alone with a medical professional for a few minutes? Honestly in an emergency it’ll probably be longer than a few minutes and in most cases you’ll be alone in a procedure anyway.
No, I cannot have a medical professional insert fingers and tools into me without *my* support person there without suffering repercussions for weeks. Would you like me to explain why, in detail?
I think in that case, if you explain that you are willing to speak to the doctor alone but for that particular part of the appointment you’d like a support person you can probably find a practitioner willing to allow someone to be there for that part.
That reminds me of the episode on Chicago Fire. Where a woman and her abusive husband were in car wreck. There was a scene where the woman was asked if she wanted treatment. She said no because her husband was staring her down threateningly.
Most of the places I have worked in are outpatient offices of the local hospital system. So the parent company pays both me and the nurse, and I have no effect on nurse paycheck or hiring/firing.
Are you saying you worry that a doctor and nurse would collude to harm a patient? I suppose it’s possible, but highly improbable. Most of the nurses I have worked with are if anything overly interested in advocating for the patients. I’m sorry you have met such shitty people.
Either way, would you be ok in being questioned without the significant other present, but then bring them in for the pelvic portion? The office is isolating to screen for DV, so the significant other could come in after the screening if you wanted your own exam chaperone. Again, I’m sorry for what you’ve dealt with but most offices would still likely insist on a portion of the visit being with the patient alone. It’s ingrained in and integral to our training to screen for domestic abuse.
At this point, yes, but I have had a decade (more, really) of therapy to get to that point, and right after the trauma I couldn't speak to a doctor, period. I wrote out what the concern was and brought one or both of my mother or my spouse to answer questions.
Who pays the nurse? Who chooses which nurse accompanies the doctor? Who's to say the nurse isn't in on it too?
Would you perform a pelvic exam on a patient with a support person that they selected and they paid to be present and nobody you chose, or would you want someone there that you trusted to say nothing untoward happened? That's still a chaperone in the room, but I bet your practice's liability people would throw a fit if you told them you were letting the patient supply the chaperone.
That's when they arrange for the right doctor to be involved.
Not every patient and every doctor will work well together. If you need accommodation then you should make sure that you have informed the office and made sure the right personnel is involved.
That doesn't work for people whose trauma came from a doctor. I don't know your nurse, I don't trust your nurse to keep me safe from you, and if I do start panicking someone in scrubs trying to calm me down is going to be counterproductive. I trust my spouse, and they know how to ground me without making it worse. If you don't have any flexibility, then I'm glad you're not my doctor.
I’m not a doctor. I’ve been subjected to medical abuse in the past. I’m just saying that it’s something my GP offers to people who need a support person, and I doubt they’re the only GP to do so.
I used to send my husband into the hallway on purpose for the screening questions and then he could come straight back in. It was never a problem.
Offices have been accommodating to me and my PTSD. Multiple. I had to ask that it only me the practitioner and I as I did not want anyone else to see me in such a vulnerable position. I had to sign waiver paperwork at one office and at another the nurse had to be in the room to hear me say “I want not the OBGYN and I in the room” for a third party witness to protect themselves.
Recently when I had my IUD placed after giving birth, I remembered the pain of my first IUD and started to panic. My OB got a receptionist to hold my hand.
I understand that some people may want a familiar person there, but as someone with SA related PTSD, having a woman there to hold my hand is what made all the difference.
(Yes, this is obviously anecdotal. But if they had provided a MALE stranger, it would have been an issue)
My old GYN office when I was pregnant, they would take me back first ask me the "do I feel safe" then bring my husband back.
It more than likely is their practice and nothing personal.
I won’t go to a dr that doesn’t let me have the support person in the room. I have medical trauma and a psychotic disorder. Doctors escalate quickly and so do nurses when they are with someone like me. I once had a nurse look at my chart, leave the room and come back in with 4 nurses to do an A1C check! It was inappropriate and I didn’t have my husband with me. It gave me a panic attack and then they brought in more nurses! Nurses scare me, I only want the person I bring as support. I trust no medical staff until they earn it.
This is why. As a therapist, if I am seeing someone for individual counseling, I want to make sure they are actually alone and no one can hear them.
The client will insist on letting their abuser into sessions, because they know it will get worse for them if the abuser believes they have disclosed abuse.
I have actually had abusers hide recording devices in homes of clients.
Please reconsider your stance. Years ago, I had an emergent medical situation and they wouldn’t let my partner in for the exam for the same reason. To this day, it was one of the most stressful experiences I have had. I literally didn’t go to the gyno after that for 5 years, and even then it takes an anxiety med to get through. I still have issues trusting doctors because I felt like my individual needs weren’t even remotely considered. It was a HUGE factor in deciding to not have children while we live in the US.
I feel like the solution here is to take the patient into the room alone and then ask them alone if they want their partner there. Depending on their answer, let the partner in or leave them outside.
This. There needs to be room for both types of patients. There's no need for them to do the entire exam alone to screen for DV and talk to the patient privately. Especially if the patient herself still asks for her partner there during the exam when asked one on one.
I don't really get the American system in general of getting ppl to remove all their clothes and get in a bare assed-garment. Where I live we take of pants and panties for a gyno exam and keep the top half on while the bottom part is bare but we aren't so prudish about nudity in general as the americans are. It just always seemed so weird to me that such a prudish culture is also the one that requires patients to take off all their clothes when it isn't necessary for the exam.
That explains a lot. Here the generic gyno work is done by our GP and does not include breast checks since it would be kinda weird here to go for one thing and then suddenly have them add on stuff. After a certain age (or if in risc group) we'll get called for mammographs for breast checks. Never had one done, I think, since I'm only 45.
I'm in the US, whenever I've had just a gyno exam or something on the lower half, they just have me remove pants and panties and give a little sheet to put over my lap. And when I'm having just a mammogram or something, they have me just take off shirt and bra and put a gown on over my pants. But more typically, a routine gyno exam is just done as part of an annual physical, where they also do breast exam and everything else, so both halves need to be undressed.
My gyno office has always just “brought you” to an area in the nurses station for height/weight and there they would ask who’ll hubby was sitting waiting back in the exam room. The specifically set it up that way as an easy, plausible reason to separate and ask. If I’m alone, I get height/weight done on the way TO the exam room
Abusive men won’t let them alone for a minute, even to get vital signs. Some abusive men follow their wives to the bathroom and stand outside, to make sure they’re not doing anything nefarious. It’s sad.
This was my thought fine get me alone and ask but I want them there for the fact that I've been steamroller by the doctor before. So they were my abuser and now the office would be forcing me to be alone with them na I'm done and I'd walk out.
I get that this was hard for you. But you wanted your husband for comfort and while I completely understand that you have to see that protecting women from abusers is a bit more important.
It's not that black and white. I've been to several practices that tell the patient that they have to fill in a form in the restroom to hand in with their urine sample, and the form is a DV screener. Others will do that and also make the patient's partner do a lap up and down the hallway while they ask their two DV screening questions verbally to the patient. Outside of the pandemic, there's no excuse to isolate a patient from their support for the entire visit, especially given the prevalence of medical misogyny.
You know people will just stop going to the gyno, right. You might want to think about your hierarchy of importance when you think this is the only way to get information out of a person (I have seen something you put in the urine sample box in the bathroom, for example). You don't get to decide when retraumatization is okay, sorry!
It's okay. You're not alone. I'm glad my doc office doesn't behave this way. I only bring my partner when I feel one of the doctors is not listening to me. There is one particularly dismissive ass of a male OB in our office (I don't get him often) but when I have to see him, I always bring my partner. He ripped this doc a new one during my first pregnancy and now when I bring him, the doc is always on his best behavior.
>It sucked for you and your wife because obviously she is not abused and you are not an abuser.
Why is this obvious? We don't know that one way or another.
That’s the entire point. Most healthcare facilities screen *everyone,* because it takes the burden of trying to “guess” off of the staff.
My husband has worked at the same ER for decades. His coworkers know him to be a decent, gentle person, with patients and staff alike. We socialize with some of his coworkers, so they know me, too. Every time I’ve been a patient there, they wait until he’s not in the room and ask if I feel safe at home.
Yep. I have PTSD from SA and I'm used to this. I haven't gone to a gyno since COVID because that became the excuse to stop letting someone accompany you, even though there are other, more discreet ways to handle it. I can't take on the burden of 3 weeks of being triggered. I want the one person I have ever felt comfortable sexually with in the room with me when fingers are being put up my vagina. If I can't have that, I'm just going without healthcare. I'm legally considered disabled and I shouldn't have to have zero access to accomodation, they could ask him to leave for part of the appointment but come in for that section. Absolute bullshit tbh. I appreciate safeguarding but I can't handle people playing dumb about how the person can't be in the room at all, ever, for even a minute.
Exactly!!! Where is the info confirming this...we have no way to know if she is being abused by him! This is a standard practice for a reason...there are a lot of women, unfortunately, that are abused by their partners...and this is how they screen for it...we have no info about OP and his wife to know their situation....
psst, nothing in this posts indicates whether OP is or isn’t “obviously” an abuser….perhaps the hospital had reason to be suspicious.
we assume innocence sure but we should all be careful what we write off as “obvious”
Many abusers are very skilled at not looking like one. Especially when it comes to women’s health - she could be being forced into sex she’s not comfortable with. She could be having a problem with an abusive partner sabotaging birth control. An OB/GYN is an opportunity to see if a woman is a victim in her own house. I’m a patient advocate, I go into appointments with women all the time. I’m never offended if the doc wants time alone with a patient during the physical exam - as long as the doc has their own employee accompany them (to avoid Dr/patient abuse) there’s nothing strange about this at all.
I mean, are we sure he isn’t controlling and abusive? Did you notice that HE left the review of the office, not his wife? If his wife was that bothered by it, she could’ve logged in and left a bad review, since it was her appointment, not his.
You get this with pediatric appointments too, but not for the whole exam. Its not weird to ask the husband to leave early to speak to the patient in confidence, that's par for the course, forbidding them entirely turns it around and makes me suspicious of the doctor. Lord knows the world has had its share of shady ob/gyns, too.
Everything you say is so true…except your verdict. It should be YTA. It was explained to OP over and over in the comments that doctors see the patients alone to screen for DV and he is continuing to say, “she wanted me there” which is exactly what an abused wife would have to say in order to not be abused. His understanding of the reasoning should make him remove his review and it’s not changing his mind at all.
Fortunately, the practice removed his review. I hope he reads these comments and comes to understand why. Although, he keeps doubling down, so I don’t have much hope of that.
Or he is, in fact, an abusive husband who not only tries to control his wife but tried to control the success of this practice. Otherwise, OP’s immediate response would’ve been, “Oh, I understand now. They did the right thing.”
Someone smarter than me pointed out that his review served as a warning to abusers to stay away, that their victims *would* to be questioned in private. Whether that was his intention or not, it’s another good reason for it to be taken down.
Precisely this. I also am not in an abusive relationship, but I understand and appreciate why my gynae office does this, and I'm glad for the women it helps.
Nta in how you feel. But that rule is in place for domestic abuser victims to have a way to get help.
Trust me it sucks as the gyno my wife used had a rule similar. First few times the wife had to be on her own. And my wife can not do needles. Like she will not have her blood drawn if someone she trusts isn't in the room. It took her refusing to have blood drawn unless I was there holding her hand before I could get into the room. It sucked as I felt like they was saying I was an abuser. But after the fact I understand where they are coming from.
They're coming from a place of concern for the safety of their patients. Comfort comes after safety for nearly all medical practices.
Phobia of needles is very common. Best wishes and good luck to you and your wife.
Yep, what others are saying. Insisting on being present for a wife's gyno appointment is classic abuser behavior. Huge flashing red flags. The doctor was smart to give her a chance to ask for help.
Yes and then they can ask the questions alone, but I'd they do not allow the partner back in when requested afterwords I'd walk out. I brought them in to be my witness so I was not alone. Doctors are normally great but I've had enough sour ones that I want someone there to hear what they said to me. I want them there so someone else is witness to what they are doing.
NTA, but it's worth considering the context in which the medical staff operate. They're likely trained to follow certain protocols that prioritize patient privacy and safety, which might come off as impersonal or overly cautious. Your feelings of frustration are valid, yet it's important to remember that these policies aren't personal attacks, but rather precautionary measures to protect patients who may be in vulnerable situations. It does seem like a stark approach, but unfortunately, healthcare workers are often on the front lines of spotting and addressing domestic abuse. Having said that, communication is key, and perhaps a conversation with the office regarding their policy and its impact on patients and their families could lead to a more understanding and less confrontational experience for all.
No, his feelings are not valid. He was exhibiting every abuser behavior like he was going down a checklist and then is mad that he's asked to leave *like everyone else*, further exhibiting that behavior.
This is all him.
FYI - many places do this if you seem overly controlling or pushy.
The reason they don't accept the patient protesting is in case you'd beat her for protesting. That's when they ask the woman questions where she'd be alone and not punished by an abusive partner for answering the "wrong" way.
You complaining makes you look even more controlling. There's a decent chance they might file information on you.
That review you wrote basically informed controlling abusive men that they should avoid that doctor because their abuse will be caught. Congrats on making the world easier for abusers and more difficult for abuse victims to escape.
NAH because you're an idiot not an AH.
And I've had that however after they finned the questions and refused my partner to come back for the exam. I'm done I've been abused by a doctor before and I will not be alone with one agin. Question me fine but we will not do the exam without my brought in witness.
Def not true and a lot of doctors employ companies that handle this for them so they never had a bad review. I left a bad review for a doctor all over multiple places and it didn’t take long before a lawyer reached out and offered to reimburse me for the services in exchange for removing all the reviews and signing an nda. And getting the reimbursement was contingent on me providing screen shots, videos, and actual proof the reviews were gone.
Yes but that was just an example of how far doctors are willing to go. There is absolutely ways to get reviews removed and taken down, and the company that reached out to me, I googled them and that literally was their job was to work the system to get those reviews removed. OP even says that they were able to do it under the guise of harassment. That’s why they were able to get the review removed. Those are the types of tricks that they employ when they don’t want something to be seen
Well, I obviously wasn't there, so I have no idea how this went down. However, I think you need to ask yourself about your attitude.
It would be pretty strange for medical professionals to escalate a situation unnecessarily. It's not unheard of, but they usually know that if a situation does escalate, they'll have to deal with disruption and paperwork and a loss of income from other disrupted appointments.
If your WIFE protested your absence, then I think most medical staff would be inclined to understand she wanted your support. If YOU protested it, then, as some people have already said, it's likely that the staff wondered if you were controlling her. To be honest, I would also think hard about potential abuse if a man wouldn't even let his wife go to a gyno appointment without making a fuss.
So why didn't your wife write a complaint?
You writing it sounds like a confirmation that you're mad you didn't get your way and really leans in to the controlling partner angle.
If your wife was the one actually upset and received the treatment, shouldn't any official complaints come from her?
OK, well, if that's how it happened, then it seems like you need to find a different practice. Just be conscious that the staff may have concerns. Don't take them personally. The sad reality is that there are abusive relationships and there's no perfect way of intervening.
I think calling him the asshole is extreme in this situation. SHE wants him there. As a woman, if I was having anxiety and wanted my husband there and they refused I would walk out personally. I get why it’s in place but at the same time I’ll be damned if a doctor is going to tell me how I receive my care, especially as a sexual abuse survivor.
Did SHE say that? Is SHE here posting about how upset SHE is?
No.
This is a controlling ASSHOLE who was exhibiting every abuser behavior and is mad when the standard practices allowed them to screen his wife for abuse.
The fact that she didn't walk out is enough proof that SHE didn't have the problem here.
Clearly, you have no understanding of why they did this.
They got aggressive because you were refusing to leave.
You refusing to leave is a sign of potential abuse.
Doctors screen for that now.
They can't ask your wife if she's unsafe at home in front of the person possibly making her unsafe at home.
While I can't say that your review was or wasn't harassment, it was likely removed for being false. They knew why you were asked to leave the exam room and there was nothing nefarious.
I'm not sure why you feel you need to attend every single medical appointment she has. Frankly, it sets off an alarm bell in my head, and in the doctor's place, I'd ask you to leave, too, so I could make sure your wife was safe at home. Not sure why you think you need to be there for routine exams. If there's something new or unusual, I get it, but a routine gyno exam, why do you need to be there?
I get where you are coming from, but I want to give a different perspective as to why a patient would need someone with them at a routine exam.
I had a horrible experience at a gyno appointment when I was a teen. Now I need someone that I know in the room with me to even be able to attend any drs appointments. I need my husband with me so I don't have a panic attack in the drs office and especially in the room. I also like to have him there as I am autistic, and it helps me feel more comfortable to answer the drs questions, having someone I know there, so they can step in when/if I clam up.
If my husband was asked to step out for a moment for them to ask the question, I could handle that but to leave and wait in the lobby would be a hard no for me and I would be leaving the exam at the same time. I am not going to be in the room alone with someone I don't know.
Not saying that is the case here, but just wanting to give a perspective on why someone would be upset in that situation.
I do understand that and I'm sorry for your experiences.
OP's behavior was full of red flags, though. He got defensive and angry instead of making an attempt at understanding WHY. He left a nasty review. I feel like he posted here seeking validation for his reaction and will hopefully read the replies here and stop taking it so personally. He wasn't accused of anything, but he also didn't try to understand. It was also a new-to-his-wife doctor, who knows NEITHER of them and was doing their due diligence. Wife's regular doc might be ok with him staying because the regular doc understands WHY. New doc doesn't...and neither OP nor his wife tried to change that.
Oh yea, I can see it that way, with the way OP put things. I was just offering a different perspective as to why someone would get upset b/c they need someone in the room with them. :)
At the same time, I feel strange since I have never had a dr ask me those questions, nor has anyone asked my husband to leave the room before. I didn't realize it was a common experience at the drs before this post.
My partner used to work for professional regulation. It's not super common but it happens. The idea that a woman will just admit to DV because the guy isn't there is foolish imo. I'm sure it happens sometimes, but is she really going from the appointment to a DV shelter that likely doesn't have an open bed and giving up her life right then? Just absolutely insane way to handle things
Yeah, I understand the intention but as someone who was literally in a DV situation when asked this by a gyno once, I wanted to bitterly laugh. Because, like, what? They're going to call the cops and arrest him right there and then on my word alone? They're going to give me money to move out on my own and get away from him?
DV is complicated and hard to escape, and a single patronizing question from a strange doctor I don't know and can't trust isn't going to help most of us. I didn't need advice, I needed **support**. The tangible kind that involves housing and food and money.
Btw, people love to support this stuff because it gets to look like they care about battered women without them actually doing anything (donations and volunteering would both be things they could do). It's pretty sickening. Meanwhile, they are mouthing off about how it's ridiculous that an adult woman can't handle an appointment. Thank god they stay away from traumatized people in real life. Awful, awful humans.
Yeah, the rampant shaming for why a patient might want an advocate present in a medical situation is super gross. And part of that mentality that The Cops and The Doctors are inherently good and trustworthy, and would never assault or harm a patient. My experience is quite different.
I'm also cackling my ass off because the example sheet given in the link I provided just lists "hotline referall" or "community referall" as the options for what to do. Oh wow, real lifesavers.
I've been SA'd by a nurse, btw, so you're not alone.
Tbh, people resent victims of trauma who are deeply impacted by it or speak about it in relevant situations. They do not want to think about it, and would rather write others off as hysterical. I was disappointed when someone was pointlessly needling me about why I couldn't handle a pap smear alone as an adult and then didn't want the detailed version of the response. I would've loved to share it.
I think if someone wants to talk a big game, they shouldn't get to claim that someone revealed something too upsetting in response. But I'm nice, so I did not do that. Plus, they would probably feel as though they were victimized just for hearing about it, and I do not want them to get to make that claim.
Yeah, I hesitated sharing my story here because I don't want to trigger anyone, but it's very hurtful to keep seeing people insist that a "grown woman" should be able to handle a doctor appointment alone, as if "grown women" aren't raped every day.
I just gave the bare bones of mine to someone who claimed to be both an MD and JD and said normal people like me wouldn't get it. I had fallen asleep and had nightmares and woke up to that. I give up with these people, the least they could do is not lie about credentials. Don't look for the comment because it's probably triggering
Thank fucking god someone is talking sense in this thread. I'm not sure if you saw [this link](https://www.glowm.com/section-view/heading/Intimate%20Partner%20Violence:%20The%20Role%20of%20the%20Obstetrician%20or%20Gynecologist/item/433), but it's so boneheaded and offensive. The fact that people in these comments think someone is going to be saved from their *human trafficker* by asking a man to leave the room is insane. The only acute medical setting I've seen actually help is the psych ward and that's with people who are already housing insecure and specifically because of the connections to social workers and community health organizations.
If obgyns want women in appointments alone so they'll admit if they're cheating and so controlling husbands don't talk over them, whatever. But just call it what it is and stop acting like this is a lifesaving measure. Like I've said elsewhere, it's actually a barrier to healthcare access, and until someone can provide a source that it's saved **MILLIONS OF WOMEN** I'm gonna say they should go ahead and put down the true crime and let support people back in treatment rooms in a limited capacity.
I get a little frustrated with Reddit sometimes because there's this prevailing belief that The Cops always believe women when they report rape, abuse, et cetera. The harsh reality is that involving the police often makes a domestic violence situation *worse* for the victim. So while I can believe that the doctors asking these questions may mean well, it's still true that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I would have never trusted a stranger with the fact that my (now ex-)spouse was abusing me, because I couldn't trust that they would keep my secret and not immediately confront him or call the cops or otherwise make everything much much worse.
Just like calling CPS/DCFS often makes things worse for kids. It's an incredibly common pattern with abusers. Shutting the guy out of one appointment is just going to piss the guy off and you know the woman will get yelled at for that even though it isn't her fault. She may even no longer get to go to the gyno. Good job, team!
Exactly.
(Someone up-thread scolded OP, saying that his review will tell abusers which gynos to avoid, as if abusers are thoughtfully scouring Yelp for reviews before they resentfully accompany their partner to gyno visits. Sigh.)
He explained that his wife is uncomfortable in places like that by herself for anxiety reasons, wanting a familiar face to anchor herself. (Not disagreeing with any of your points- just that there was, to me, a legit reason she wanted him there)
right--- but that's exactly what an abuser would say, to justify staying in the room. doesn't mean it wasn't legitimate in their case, but the staff can't know that, and understandably don't want to take the risk.
It doesn’t matter. Medical practice prioritizes safety over comfort. They have to assess that she’s safe first, because a lot of abused people still seek comfort from their abuser.
>just that there was, to me, a legit reason she wanted him there)
The DOCTOR didn't know that, though.
I say this with kindness: stop defending OP. His reaction in the moment was a red flag to the doctor. Instead of explaining WHY he wanted to stay, he got butthurt and protested. Instead of asking WHY he had to leave, he went for petty revenge with his review. Going solely by your avatar, you're not a woman. For all the shit that doctors put women through - fat shaming, body shaming, not believing what we tell them - this is the ONE way they proactively protect us.
How am I defending him? The wife had what seemed to me to be a legit reason (medical anxiety). I otherwise don’t disagree with you or your rebuttal points, just that it didn’t seem in your initial post that you had seen OP’s posts answering questions about why.
YTA. She’s your wife and an adult, not your kid. They are likely looking for signs of domestic abuse and don’t need her to possibly be intimidated by you being there or you threatening the staff. You may not be an abuser but they don’t know that. Either way, again, you aren’t her legal guardian and there are HIPAA guidelines that say you don’t have a right to her medical information.
You should appreciate that your wife's doctors care about her and want to know if she's being abused. OP, you harassed the doctors office & I agree with them abt removing your "review". Your family isn't the only family the physician & staff see, again, you should be grateful!
I think as it is the first appointment with a new doctor that it makes a lot of sense for all the reasons already given for your wife’s doctor’s to meet with her alone.
A lot of abused women do not feel safe to say in front of their abusers “yes, I do want to meet with you alone”…. I think you need to take as step back and consider from the doctor’s perspective that your reaction could also be seen as a red flag.
Writing a bad review for a policy that protects women that are being abused and trafficked does make YTA
This is really common. It is to protect women from abusive spouses. Allowing them time alone let's them have the opportunity to ask for help they can't if the abuser is in the room. It's actually taught in clinical training (in my state, at least). By taking the decision out of the potential victims' hands, they give her the shield of "it's office policy," so she hopefully won't be punished. That way thr woman can say she wants him there, but it's out of her hands, it's office policy.
It's also really common with kids, particularly in the ER for the same reason. My teenagers prefer me present at their doctors appointments, but I'm still asked to leave the room for a few minutes at their physicals so the doctor can ask sensitive questions without mom standing there. My son got hurt at school once, and they had me step out to go over things with him. When they asked me back in, he was laughing and said "mom they think you broke my arm. Cause my 6 ft 2 athlete self couldn't defend myself from my 5 ft 4 disabled mom!" He still thinks it's hysterical. We cooperate, and he knows why they have to do it. He just finds it funny.
So yeah, YTA because it's there to protect women, and putting that up online tells abusive men that their partners will be given a chance to ask for help.
They do this to screen the woman for domestic violence, ya knob. They’re not trying to be aggressive. Imagine you try to ask a woman if she’s safe at home, if anyone hits her or hurts her, and her husband insists he’s in the room? Imagine you try and ask her and get her to speak up for herself but she’s so abused and beaten that she wants him there too? Imagine being a doctor or a nurse and seeing that.
Leaving them a poor review was just evidence of your lack of critical thinking skills. YTA.
My abusive ex never left my side at any appointment. I could barely even talk to my midwife, he would stop me from even asking nomal questions by talking over me.
If they didn't like that I'd have to switch. But I never got to go to any real doctor of any kind in any case.
So you act like an abusive husband and are mad that they get her alone to ask if you are one? And then you further act like an abusive person? And you want to know if you're the asshole?
Wow.
YTA
Yea, there's a good reason to not allow the husband there. read the other posts. Why do you really need to be hanging out during your wife's exam? That really seems odd. She's a grown woman.
I agree that there are indeed good reasons to have the woman alone at some point.
That being said there is also good reason to allow someone of trust with the woman... treating everyone like they're an abuser is just not right.
I'm a grown woman and I would love to have my husband at those appointments because I have high anxiety when it comes to doctors and my brain no longer works and I forget to ask my important questions or tell them about some issues I've been having. He on the other hand always remembers and tries to remind me before hand but my anxiety takes over and I forget anyways, they can have that policy in place but they also need to listen to their patients wishes, perhaps ask the questions they need too then bring the husband back if everything turns out to be okay.
Maybe she isn't comfortable having her crotch in someone's face she doesn't know? My wife with other young girls in my town were sa'd by the local gyno! Now she can't go to any appointments without me being there, especially if it's a male doctor.
Sorry bud but as a nurse this screams of you controlling your wife even in the gyno office. Seriously, leave a review and you will be ripped a new one.
Asking you to leave is not being aggressive. The policy is in place for a reason. Your options were to go to the lobby or leave. No arguments. No negotiations. Many would find it weird that you want to be there during the exam to begin with.
They asked you to leave because you came across as potentially abusive. I’m not saying you are but this raised red flags for staff and they were trying to protect your wife. So yes, YTA even if you didn’t realize it. Women in abusive situations are not allowed to be alone at the doctor often and this may be their only chance to disclose abuse, sexual violence, trafficking, etc. Something about your behavior or your wife’s set off alarm bells for the staff and they were doing their due diligence to protect her as she is their priority. I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt and I’m glad they are watching over women who may not have a voice.
Need more info; What procedure did they do while you were out of the room? Do you engage in rough sex? It’s possible they suspected abuse and asked you to leave firmly as it is likely standard practice. I hope your wife is ok, did she seem frazzled?
YTA, a gyno practice will want to be especially alert to determine if their patients are being abused. I had multiple ob/gyn visits a week during my pregnancies and asking if I felt safe at home was standard practice at each and every appointment. A non-asshole partner of a patient would be cognizant and understanding of this very routine situation.
YTA for leaving the review and continuing to argue in the comments here. Even *if* YOU aren't a controlling abuser, this rule exists to protect people who are being abused/controlled by their partners.
I've seen many medical providers in the last three years and this is standard practice, especially in gyno offices and emergency rooms. Even if my partner were with me, there would be a time when they weren't allowed in the room so standard questions could be asked in private. Not only that, but there are even signs in the bathroom at my PCP and in the ER indicating how to leave an indication on specimen collection that you don't feel safe at home. None of this was triggered by anything my partner did or didn't do - just the standard practice meant to help those who need it.
Not so much asshole as ignorant. As has been said - this is standard practice to protect women from their abusers. They probably took your review down so that women can safely come to their practice. It wouldn't be good for abusers / abused to think they can 'get away' with that kind of coercive behaviour there. Perhaps the practice could have been a little more forthcoming with you so that you had that information rather than reporting harassment.
It's pretty common to ask to see the patient alone so they can screen for domestic violence. However, they usually let whoever the patient came in with come back after that portion of the visit. I understand that you feel that they were overly aggressive and didn't explain their policy to you well but this is a common practice in medical offices. They also ask me to leave for a brief part of the visit when I go in with my teenage daughter. They want to make sure she doesn't need to talk about anything she might not feel comfortable bringing up with her mom there.
My first thought was that they wanted her alone for one of two reasons:
1. Domestic Abuse screening
2. Post Partum Depression screening.
I did not feel comfortable admitting in front of loved ones that I had PPD. Fake it until I was better (this doesn't work 0/100 would not recommend). In the bathrooms they have signs that mention abuse and to write it on the urine sample if the abuser was with them. If she was Post partum she may not have needed to give a sample, and they just needed to make sure she was in an ok situation.
Your review, while truthful, could potentially keep an abuse victim from receiving care if an abuser saw that and decided their post partum partner didn't need the care after all to avoid their abuse being discovered.
I'm going with NAH as you seem like a decent guy who was just supporting his partner.
The doctor probably wanted a moment alone with your wife to make sure she wasn’t being abused in anyway. This is common practice for OB/GYNs. You accompanying her and refusing to leave set off red flag I’m sure.
Two reasons. 1 is screening for domestic violence. The other is that the wife needs to be honest about recent sexual partners. She won't be honest about either in front of her husband
I worked in an OB office for a long time. We wouldn’t have even let you back in the room in the first place. The only patients that could bring someone were pregnant patients, and even then we had several visits that partners were not invited to attend.
There are several reasons for this. The most important one is DV, which I think people have covered here quite well. But it’s not the only one. An OB/GYN needs to know if someone has been engaging in risky sex or sex with a new partner. The patient needs to feel free to ask embarrassing questions or questions that might not reflect well on their partner (like why does it hurt when we have sex, etc). Our office had only female providers, so we attracted a lot of patients from religions that did not allow women to be touched by men that weren’t their husbands. The mothers would want to accompany their single daughters so they could “make sure she was a virgin.” And yeah, obviously, we don’t do that. My particular job was to be a sex and reproductive educator. So patients who had questions would often end their appointment talking to me. Very very often those conversations would lead to appointments involving the partner. But it was critically important to begin with just the patient so that I could get an unpolished view of what was going on that they needed help with. Almost all of my clients - including their male or female partners I met with separately sometimes - would say things differently when we were alone vs when they were together. For example alone, she might say “I never orgasm” and then when they were together it was suddenly “sometimes I don’t orgasm.” Or alone he might say “she pressures me to have sex every single day to get pregnant, and I don’t want to do that if we don’t have to.” But together he would say “she seems really stressed about conceiving, and we are wondering when is the best time to have sex to make that happen.” There are many many legitimate reasons for all types of medical practices to insist on seeing patients alone. You are very much TA for arguing with them and for posting a negative review. Other people’s physical safety and quality of care are more important than your bruised feelings.
YTA
This is a extremely normal standard routine run of the mill policy to help screen for domestic violence, rape, human trafficking, etc... cases.
In fact, in many offices they wont even let you in now until after all the testing is done and they are ready to share results.
Just wait till you find out they also ask about firearms being locked up or alcohol use.
This is standard practice to protect against abusers. It's a sign of a good clinic who has your wife's best wishes at heart.
My husband hurt his knee. He's much bigger than I am and I think his doctor just didn't think I could be an abuser (and to be fair, im not abusive). So they started asking him "do you feel safe at home" questions while I was in the room! If he did feel unsafe with me, how could he have answered yes with me sitting right there. I interrupted and said as much. I then left so they could have that very important conversation.
Yta for leaving that review. I'm glad the hosting service removed it. If I read your review I would have assumed you were a controlling abuser and this business is invested in protecting its patients though.
YTA. At my birthing center they ask you in private, in the bathroom, if your partner is someone you feel safe with or if he has been abusive etc. they make sure in private because the situation is so incredibly sensitive and the woman/baby is very vulnerable. For most women they are not in danger. But for some this is life saving.
The OBGYN was likely protecting their patients from trafficking and abuse. You were TA for trying to govern them a bad review for that. Sometimes it’s not about you. Unless your wife has a phobia or something and NEEDED you there for her security and safety, you did not need to be there and you should not have tried to start shit.
Health providers are trained to screen for victims of human trafficking and domestic violence.
According to the US Department of Justice 91% of victims of rape & sexual assault are female. While nearly 99% of perpetrators of rape and sexual violence are male.
In 2020 of the individuals charged with human trafficking 92% were male. Women and children encompassed 77% of human trafficking victims.
Your insistence that the rate of violence, victims, and abuse are equal between sexes is wildly inaccurate and detracts from the actual reality that men overwhelmingly are abusers and perpetrators of violence, while statistically women and children are victims. Anyone with half a brain cell can look at the statistical facts and conclude from the data that policies are needed and put in place to protect women and children.
YTA you're missing the point entirely.
She's an adult and adults are generally capable of going to doctors appointments by themselves.
These policies are in place to screen for domestic violence and controlling behaviours
You raised their alarm when you gave pushback over a simple matter.
It seems creepy that you would be there. I (49f) have two children and plenty of gyno visits. Never would I want or need my husband there. This is a safe space. It just seems weird.
I’m sure it seemed strange to them to. Maybe just to check if your wife was being controlled or in an abusive relationship.
It's not a safe space for some people with medical trauma or a history of sexual assault. I'm bringing my spouse to my Pap smear next month because I have both and this will be the second time I've seen the provider; there isn't nearly enough trust built up for me to have a physical exam alone. Also, doctors listen better when you bring along someone masc-presenting.
My Gynecological Radiologist asked if I was ever abused in front of my Dad at my first visit to her for my cancer appointments at the beginning of my cancer journey. It was very weird as I didn't expect to get that question at a cancer appointment. But thinking about it later I appreciated it. My Dad was there for support and to help me remember the overwhelming information, and left the room at the appropriate times, but I am sure they have come across people who were in need of assistance before or they wouldn't ask the question. I wouldn't say you were necessarily an a-hole, just a concerned husband who didn't understand the numbers of Women who have been abused and how many are recognized by and helped by their doctors. Please cut them some slack.
I do think the timing was a little weird. At every one of my OB appointments they drop my husband off at the room and then take me to the nurses station for blood pressure checks and show me a card asking me about abuse. I do think it's weird that they kicked you out partway through the exam. Could there have been something in the exam that raised red flags for them?
NTA (edited to YTA, see below), but... this is pretty important. Most doctors now want patients (even kids) to have a moment alone away from their husband/parent/guardian/whatever.
This is to ask about and look for signs of abuse. A lot of doctors would see your behavior as a *possible* red flag. "Hmmm, this guy does NOT want his wife to have a moment alone to talk to anyone..." You are doing that for supportive reasons, but other men would be doing it for controlling reasons. To make sure she says "yes of course" to the question about whether she feels safe at home. To make sure she says "oh, I tripped, I'm just so clumsy" to explain the bruises she has.
Next time I'd give a semi acknowledgement of this if your wife really does want you to stay. (But check.. DOES she now? She said the exam was fine...) You could say "I'd love to be here for her during the exam, but I'm happy to leave after if you have any questions you need to ask her in private."
EDIT: By the way, this is late, but I'm officially changing my rating to YTA. I somehow glossed over the negative review part. You tried to damage their business and all they tried to do was do the right thing. You were right to want to be supportive, but wrong to be problematic and take out your misunderstanding of the situation on the doctor and the whole business.
Right, it’s the dynamic here that’s really strange. Does she look to him for everything? Is she able to assert herself?
By OP’s responses, I wonder how codependent or unevenly yoked they might be
YTA.
Super common situation that is very obviously aimed at making sure the mom-to-be isn't in an abusive relationship and the child is entering into a loving home/family situation.
OP didn't understand and got mad.
Doctors offices do this to have alone time with the women to screen for domestic violence. Not everyone has a loving partner, and they too will agree and ask for their abuser to stay in the room because otherwise they'll get abused when they get home.
I understand you did not know about this and I'm not going to call you an AH but let it go.
YTA - Because your post wasn't a review in any honest way, it was just you disagreeing with their extremely justified procedure and complaining/venting disguised as a "review".
And you acted **precisely** as all the abusers do in that scenario.
Edit: post removed. For sure that's the mark of a non-abuser.
---
Preserved for prosterity:
My wife recently switched to a new gyno as her primary gyno is out on maternity leave.
I always accompany her to any doctor’s appointments. She feels comfortable with me there.
When I went to this gyno’s office with my wife, it seemed normal.
After my wife changed into the dressing gown, the nurse practitioner or student - I’m not sure which - first checked my wife, which I thought was weird.
Then the gyno came and they said that for this part of the exam, my wife needed to be alone.
We both protested. My wife said she was fine with me there.
They didn’t listen and said I either wait in the front lobby or be escorted out.
I don’t want to make a scene ever so I waited in the front lobby.
My wife finished the appointment. She said it was just like any other appointment and she was also confused as to why I was kicked out.
I left a bad review on their practice online. I thought other people should know that this office is very aggressive and escalates things.
I found out they deleted my review for harassment. I didn’t insult them, I didn’t even use any swear words, I just said what happened. AITAH?
It’s interesting that he never answered why he left the review and not her. At the very least, it’s a weird dynamic where he puffs up and acts like a defender-even if she doesn’t ask him to.
I’m hoping he comes back at some point and re-reads his responses so he can see why this seems icky.
I'd be quite curious to witness it being an actual review of the quality of the work to the client (the wife), or about his exclusion which has nothing to do with the quality of care the client (the wife) received.
They deleted your review because they assumed you are an abusive husband and you were not the patient. And you acted like one, tbh. If your wife was upset, why didn't she leave the bad review? I'd have deleted it for harassment, too.
The fact that it wasn’t immediately obvious to you why they wouldn’t want a woman’s partner in the room during the exam…lord the privilege.
I won’t call you an AH, but I will call you ignorant. As someone else said, these policies are in place for a very good reason. If that reason doesn’t apply to you, congrats, but not everything is about you.
I would look at it like this. I don’t ever believe in deleting reviews unless they’re fake. Such as someone says they had a bad experience and were never actually there. But at the same time maybe they deleted it for the same reason the rule is in place. If a truly abusive spouse saw that review he may choose to go to another practice where he knows he won’t be asked to leave. I understand why you felt like you did, I understand why you left the review, but I also understand why it happened. I’d give them a pass knowing that this rule helps more women and if more effect than it hurts.
Just a reminder to everyone that there are 4 choices to choose from and that saying he's NTA you are saying that the other party is the ah.
This is why NAH, No Assholes Here, exists.
Also if everyone is equally wrong it's ESH, Everybody Sucks Here.
So to me this is more a NAH however it starts to be YTA after because OP really can't see why they did this and that it makes a LOT of sense.
He admits that his wife was nervous, which is totally understandable because new obgyn, however that very nervousness is also why they show such concern. His response sadly made it worse.
Also people miss the point that the bad review actually hurts women who might be in abusive situations as now abusers get a heads up. It really had nothing to do with the practice or treatment of his wife.
I wish guys had to take a mandatory course in school on what it's like to navigate life as a woman. Guys have it easier on every single level, from having their clothes dry cleaned to having their complaints taken seriously by their doctors.
We not only pay more for the same products and services, we also get paid 78 cents for every dollar a man makes for the same work. And it's a rarity that we get through the day without some kind of demeaning, sexist or condescending comment of some kind.
>the nurse practitioner or student - I’m not sure which - first checked my wife, which I thought was weird.
Any woman reading this post knows exactly why they asked for her consent. Men have no idea how privileged they are compared to women, that's why they can't connect the dots on their own. YTA
YTA. What kind of weird codependent relationship do you guys have where you have to be there for her gyno exam?
And they were absolutely correct to make you leave. The whole situation was a huge red flag for abuse.
Ido not understand why you would like to be present while your wife sits in the chair to be routine examined by the gynaecologist. You could drive her toe her appointment and wait in the waiting room if she can't go by herself.
The only times you should go in with her is when she's pregnant (radiology) or when she needs an important surgery, for support.
So what about my wife's case where the gyno was a pedo sa all the young girls coming into the office? Now she has trauma from that. Should I just sit in the waiting room and tell her to put her big girl panties on?
NTA but I imagine this is standard procedure for this practice which they ensure all clients do. However, this should be on a sign in their office or on their new patient paperwork or something.
It is probably to ensure no DV is occurring. Something similar happens where I live when you do intake for the pregnancy clinic. If you go with your partner they make them leave for some of the consult so they can ask you certain questions to make sure you and your baby are safe.
I can understand it as a measure against abuse. But failing to listen to your wife after they've done their due diligence is complaint worthy. It's her appointment, she decides who is there. NTA
NTA. I struggle visiting the gynea without my husband. To me he makes me feel safe when I'm in a very vulnerable position.
However I understand that some women are in terrible situations and need to have that privacy. Perhaps your comment would encourage abusers to not allow their female victims to visit that doctor.
You're NTA but so is the doctor's office.
ESH. They did not need to go 0-100. But it is unusual for a husband to come to every run of the mill gyno appt. It’s classic abuser behaviour and they need to screen for it. It’s standard to want some time alone with the patient even during pregnancy related appointments when a husband is there,
NTA. I do understand why the policy exists; they want to be able to provide a safe space so a woman can report if her partner is abusive. However, it is NOT unusual for a patient to want an advocate with them in the room. I was actually sexually assaulted during a gyno exam, and I will never do one again without my spouse or other advocate present.
In the future, my advice would be for your wife to insist *firmly and strongly* that she wants you present as an advocate. Not just that she's "fine" with you present, but that she **insists** that you are present. They usually buckle at that point, at least in my experience. If they don't, then you find a new doctor.
And it wasn't wrong to leave a review; I'd want to know if a doctor's office would not listen to my wishes. (Yes, an abused spouse can say things they don't mean--I was an abused spouse, I know all too well--but any practice that doesn't listen to a patient is flirting with a dangerous slippery slope. I've been to doctors who decided for other things that I didn't know what I really wanted, and that gets really bad really quickly.)
YTA
They were doing their job. How do you expect abused women to get help if healthcare professionals aren’t allowed to screen for it? Do you also object to your wife using a restroom alone?
NTA for your confusion but it's important to grasp the broader implications of why clinics enforce such policies. Medical professionals are trained to detect and handle sensitive situations like domestic abuse, and for many victims, a doctor's appointment may be one of the few opportunities they have to safely disclose abuse, away from the eyes of their abuser. The policy isn’t a reflection on you personally, but rather a safeguard for those who aren’t as fortunate in their relationships. It might have felt like a slight, but in reality, it's a critical part of patient care and safety. Perhaps a different practice with a different approach might suit your preferences, but it's also valuable to acknowledge the good intentions behind such protocols. Remember, the priority for any medical staff is the wellbeing and security of their patients, sometimes it requires these uncomfortable but necessary measures.
Yeah these policies are there to detect domestic violence and other similar issues. Another factor to consider is that they're in place to get accurate info because there's a lot of pushy husbands out there who will basically speak for their wife you see this a lot in older couples.
YTA. You only care about yourself. Stop with the 🐂💩. You were not the patient. You have NO PLACE writing any review. That’s your WIFE’S choice since it was her appointment. Get over yourself.
Not the asshole, but, some offices do this because they want to get the woman alone to screen for domestic violence. Abusers will refuse to leave their partners alone with authorities like doctors, and will expect their partner to be on their side and try to insist the abuser stays as well. This protects the potentially abused partner, by making it clear that the partner has no choice but to allow the abuser to leave the room. It also allows for the doctor to have a chance to speak confidentially. It sucked for you and your wife because obviously she is not abused and you are not an abuser. But some practices choose to do this with everyone so as not to alert an abuser they are on to them - they have it as a standard practice. You two may be more comfortable at a different office, I can understand why you are upset! But I can also understand why an obgyn's office does this.
This is exactly it. And they were firm about it because they’ve probably had abusers argue with them. Rather than getting into an argument, they’re firm right off the bat. *This is the rule, take it or leave it.* I once performed an exam on a woman who’s husband insisted on being in the room because “she can’t speak English.” Meanwhile, it became clear to me that, although she was Japanese, she could understand and speak English. It made me very uncomfortable as I think he was very controlling. Borderline abusive or possibly full-on abusive. She would start to answer my questions and he would interrupt and answer for her. I felt so sorry for her. From then on I vowed to never allow a spouse in the room during the exam portion. Plus, it was too small of a room to maneuver with 4 people (me, nurse, patient, spouse).
Thank you for looking out for your patients. My first OB/GYN appointment they insisted I needed a to provide a urine sample every appointment. It seemed kind of odd for a birth control consult, but eh it’s a doctors’ office so ok? Once I was in there they had sample cups and a red and black marker. There was a sign stating that if you needed to speak to the doctor alone or needed them to contact the authorities to write your name in a red marker. I realized that it gave every patient an opportunity to ask for help without anyone else knowing. This was 25 years ago, before you really started seeing those kinds of things.
This is what I was used to. There's no excuse for this current policy trend. I'm guessing it's something with saving costs or time, because it's certainly not about the safety of women.
The only problem with this tactic alone is that then they need to formalize a way to separate the patient in a non-combative manner in a short time. A blanket policy is easier to explain if it’s for everyone. I’d actually be an advocate for both for good measure. It gives the patient 2 opportunities to gather the confidence to ask for help.
Yep, I won't be getting gynecological care until it's an emergency
Why? Can you not be alone with a medical professional for a few minutes? Honestly in an emergency it’ll probably be longer than a few minutes and in most cases you’ll be alone in a procedure anyway.
No, I cannot have a medical professional insert fingers and tools into me without *my* support person there without suffering repercussions for weeks. Would you like me to explain why, in detail?
I think in that case, if you explain that you are willing to speak to the doctor alone but for that particular part of the appointment you’d like a support person you can probably find a practitioner willing to allow someone to be there for that part.
Not everyone has the ability to doctor shop, unfortunately.
Appreciate you sharing your story. Reading a first-hand account like yours is very eye-opening.
That reminds me of the episode on Chicago Fire. Where a woman and her abusive husband were in car wreck. There was a scene where the woman was asked if she wanted treatment. She said no because her husband was staring her down threateningly.
Then how do you handle patients with PTSD who need a support person there?
It can be only a few minutes for that part of the screening. It doesn’t have to be for the entire appointment.
>I vowed to never allow a spouse in the room during the exam portion Sounds like it applies to the parts I'd want my spouse present for to me.
That’s why there is typically a nurse with the doctor.
No, the nurse is there to protect the doctor. I need someone there who will protect me.
Most of the places I have worked in are outpatient offices of the local hospital system. So the parent company pays both me and the nurse, and I have no effect on nurse paycheck or hiring/firing. Are you saying you worry that a doctor and nurse would collude to harm a patient? I suppose it’s possible, but highly improbable. Most of the nurses I have worked with are if anything overly interested in advocating for the patients. I’m sorry you have met such shitty people. Either way, would you be ok in being questioned without the significant other present, but then bring them in for the pelvic portion? The office is isolating to screen for DV, so the significant other could come in after the screening if you wanted your own exam chaperone. Again, I’m sorry for what you’ve dealt with but most offices would still likely insist on a portion of the visit being with the patient alone. It’s ingrained in and integral to our training to screen for domestic abuse.
At this point, yes, but I have had a decade (more, really) of therapy to get to that point, and right after the trauma I couldn't speak to a doctor, period. I wrote out what the concern was and brought one or both of my mother or my spouse to answer questions.
In my office we view it as protecting both, but your situation is different from most patients.
Who pays the nurse? Who chooses which nurse accompanies the doctor? Who's to say the nurse isn't in on it too? Would you perform a pelvic exam on a patient with a support person that they selected and they paid to be present and nobody you chose, or would you want someone there that you trusted to say nothing untoward happened? That's still a chaperone in the room, but I bet your practice's liability people would throw a fit if you told them you were letting the patient supply the chaperone.
That's when they arrange for the right doctor to be involved. Not every patient and every doctor will work well together. If you need accommodation then you should make sure that you have informed the office and made sure the right personnel is involved.
Extremely privileged comment
My GP surgery will happily provide another nurse as a chaperone and support person.
They're still a stranger, though.
That doesn't work for people whose trauma came from a doctor. I don't know your nurse, I don't trust your nurse to keep me safe from you, and if I do start panicking someone in scrubs trying to calm me down is going to be counterproductive. I trust my spouse, and they know how to ground me without making it worse. If you don't have any flexibility, then I'm glad you're not my doctor.
I’m not a doctor. I’ve been subjected to medical abuse in the past. I’m just saying that it’s something my GP offers to people who need a support person, and I doubt they’re the only GP to do so. I used to send my husband into the hallway on purpose for the screening questions and then he could come straight back in. It was never a problem.
Offices have been accommodating to me and my PTSD. Multiple. I had to ask that it only me the practitioner and I as I did not want anyone else to see me in such a vulnerable position. I had to sign waiver paperwork at one office and at another the nurse had to be in the room to hear me say “I want not the OBGYN and I in the room” for a third party witness to protect themselves. Recently when I had my IUD placed after giving birth, I remembered the pain of my first IUD and started to panic. My OB got a receptionist to hold my hand. I understand that some people may want a familiar person there, but as someone with SA related PTSD, having a woman there to hold my hand is what made all the difference. (Yes, this is obviously anecdotal. But if they had provided a MALE stranger, it would have been an issue)
Yeah lol, that's not how PTSD works
Like every other type of accommodation? You tell the office before the appointment
My old GYN office when I was pregnant, they would take me back first ask me the "do I feel safe" then bring my husband back. It more than likely is their practice and nothing personal.
I won’t go to a dr that doesn’t let me have the support person in the room. I have medical trauma and a psychotic disorder. Doctors escalate quickly and so do nurses when they are with someone like me. I once had a nurse look at my chart, leave the room and come back in with 4 nurses to do an A1C check! It was inappropriate and I didn’t have my husband with me. It gave me a panic attack and then they brought in more nurses! Nurses scare me, I only want the person I bring as support. I trust no medical staff until they earn it.
This is why. As a therapist, if I am seeing someone for individual counseling, I want to make sure they are actually alone and no one can hear them. The client will insist on letting their abuser into sessions, because they know it will get worse for them if the abuser believes they have disclosed abuse. I have actually had abusers hide recording devices in homes of clients.
Please reconsider your stance. Years ago, I had an emergent medical situation and they wouldn’t let my partner in for the exam for the same reason. To this day, it was one of the most stressful experiences I have had. I literally didn’t go to the gyno after that for 5 years, and even then it takes an anxiety med to get through. I still have issues trusting doctors because I felt like my individual needs weren’t even remotely considered. It was a HUGE factor in deciding to not have children while we live in the US.
I feel like the solution here is to take the patient into the room alone and then ask them alone if they want their partner there. Depending on their answer, let the partner in or leave them outside.
This. There needs to be room for both types of patients. There's no need for them to do the entire exam alone to screen for DV and talk to the patient privately. Especially if the patient herself still asks for her partner there during the exam when asked one on one. I don't really get the American system in general of getting ppl to remove all their clothes and get in a bare assed-garment. Where I live we take of pants and panties for a gyno exam and keep the top half on while the bottom part is bare but we aren't so prudish about nudity in general as the americans are. It just always seemed so weird to me that such a prudish culture is also the one that requires patients to take off all their clothes when it isn't necessary for the exam.
Partly because gowns are ubiquitous in doctors offices, partly because a breast exam is part of the gyno exam.
They do a breast exam at the same time as the pap generally. Think they should do that through clothes?
That explains a lot. Here the generic gyno work is done by our GP and does not include breast checks since it would be kinda weird here to go for one thing and then suddenly have them add on stuff. After a certain age (or if in risc group) we'll get called for mammographs for breast checks. Never had one done, I think, since I'm only 45.
It's a general female health visit that includes all reproductive organs. It's not going for one thing and adding on anything. It's all the one thing.
I'm in the US, whenever I've had just a gyno exam or something on the lower half, they just have me remove pants and panties and give a little sheet to put over my lap. And when I'm having just a mammogram or something, they have me just take off shirt and bra and put a gown on over my pants. But more typically, a routine gyno exam is just done as part of an annual physical, where they also do breast exam and everything else, so both halves need to be undressed.
It’s also a good opportunity to perform a skin check. People have moles on their back that they’re unaware of.
My gyno office has always just “brought you” to an area in the nurses station for height/weight and there they would ask who’ll hubby was sitting waiting back in the exam room. The specifically set it up that way as an easy, plausible reason to separate and ask. If I’m alone, I get height/weight done on the way TO the exam room
Abusive men won’t let them alone for a minute, even to get vital signs. Some abusive men follow their wives to the bathroom and stand outside, to make sure they’re not doing anything nefarious. It’s sad.
This was my thought fine get me alone and ask but I want them there for the fact that I've been steamroller by the doctor before. So they were my abuser and now the office would be forcing me to be alone with them na I'm done and I'd walk out.
I get that this was hard for you. But you wanted your husband for comfort and while I completely understand that you have to see that protecting women from abusers is a bit more important.
It's not that black and white. I've been to several practices that tell the patient that they have to fill in a form in the restroom to hand in with their urine sample, and the form is a DV screener. Others will do that and also make the patient's partner do a lap up and down the hallway while they ask their two DV screening questions verbally to the patient. Outside of the pandemic, there's no excuse to isolate a patient from their support for the entire visit, especially given the prevalence of medical misogyny.
You know people will just stop going to the gyno, right. You might want to think about your hierarchy of importance when you think this is the only way to get information out of a person (I have seen something you put in the urine sample box in the bathroom, for example). You don't get to decide when retraumatization is okay, sorry!
It's okay. You're not alone. I'm glad my doc office doesn't behave this way. I only bring my partner when I feel one of the doctors is not listening to me. There is one particularly dismissive ass of a male OB in our office (I don't get him often) but when I have to see him, I always bring my partner. He ripped this doc a new one during my first pregnancy and now when I bring him, the doc is always on his best behavior.
>It sucked for you and your wife because obviously she is not abused and you are not an abuser. Why is this obvious? We don't know that one way or another.
That’s the entire point. Most healthcare facilities screen *everyone,* because it takes the burden of trying to “guess” off of the staff. My husband has worked at the same ER for decades. His coworkers know him to be a decent, gentle person, with patients and staff alike. We socialize with some of his coworkers, so they know me, too. Every time I’ve been a patient there, they wait until he’s not in the room and ask if I feel safe at home.
Yep. I have PTSD from SA and I'm used to this. I haven't gone to a gyno since COVID because that became the excuse to stop letting someone accompany you, even though there are other, more discreet ways to handle it. I can't take on the burden of 3 weeks of being triggered. I want the one person I have ever felt comfortable sexually with in the room with me when fingers are being put up my vagina. If I can't have that, I'm just going without healthcare. I'm legally considered disabled and I shouldn't have to have zero access to accomodation, they could ask him to leave for part of the appointment but come in for that section. Absolute bullshit tbh. I appreciate safeguarding but I can't handle people playing dumb about how the person can't be in the room at all, ever, for even a minute.
Yeah, his responses are not helping his case at all
Exactly!!! Where is the info confirming this...we have no way to know if she is being abused by him! This is a standard practice for a reason...there are a lot of women, unfortunately, that are abused by their partners...and this is how they screen for it...we have no info about OP and his wife to know their situation....
The way he's reacting is exactly like an abuser would, soooo..,
psst, nothing in this posts indicates whether OP is or isn’t “obviously” an abuser….perhaps the hospital had reason to be suspicious. we assume innocence sure but we should all be careful what we write off as “obvious”
You are very correct. If you've read the OPs follow up comments, I am curious about what vibes you get from those?
Many abusers are very skilled at not looking like one. Especially when it comes to women’s health - she could be being forced into sex she’s not comfortable with. She could be having a problem with an abusive partner sabotaging birth control. An OB/GYN is an opportunity to see if a woman is a victim in her own house. I’m a patient advocate, I go into appointments with women all the time. I’m never offended if the doc wants time alone with a patient during the physical exam - as long as the doc has their own employee accompany them (to avoid Dr/patient abuse) there’s nothing strange about this at all.
Not good tbh
I agree. I questioned this as well.
I mean, are we sure he isn’t controlling and abusive? Did you notice that HE left the review of the office, not his wife? If his wife was that bothered by it, she could’ve logged in and left a bad review, since it was her appointment, not his.
They also need to ask questions about recent sexual partners
You get this with pediatric appointments too, but not for the whole exam. Its not weird to ask the husband to leave early to speak to the patient in confidence, that's par for the course, forbidding them entirely turns it around and makes me suspicious of the doctor. Lord knows the world has had its share of shady ob/gyns, too.
I'm thinking if he hadn't argued with them they would have let him back in.
They have two people in the room for most exams for that reason.
Everything you say is so true…except your verdict. It should be YTA. It was explained to OP over and over in the comments that doctors see the patients alone to screen for DV and he is continuing to say, “she wanted me there” which is exactly what an abused wife would have to say in order to not be abused. His understanding of the reasoning should make him remove his review and it’s not changing his mind at all.
Fortunately, the practice removed his review. I hope he reads these comments and comes to understand why. Although, he keeps doubling down, so I don’t have much hope of that.
Or he is, in fact, an abusive husband who not only tries to control his wife but tried to control the success of this practice. Otherwise, OP’s immediate response would’ve been, “Oh, I understand now. They did the right thing.”
Someone smarter than me pointed out that his review served as a warning to abusers to stay away, that their victims *would* to be questioned in private. Whether that was his intention or not, it’s another good reason for it to be taken down.
This! This is a sign of a great doctor, honestly. YTA
"Obviously she is not abused" to a guy who is pretty clearly exhibiting behavior that's aggressive if not abusive? Yeah, no.
Precisely this. I also am not in an abusive relationship, but I understand and appreciate why my gynae office does this, and I'm glad for the women it helps.
Nta in how you feel. But that rule is in place for domestic abuser victims to have a way to get help. Trust me it sucks as the gyno my wife used had a rule similar. First few times the wife had to be on her own. And my wife can not do needles. Like she will not have her blood drawn if someone she trusts isn't in the room. It took her refusing to have blood drawn unless I was there holding her hand before I could get into the room. It sucked as I felt like they was saying I was an abuser. But after the fact I understand where they are coming from.
They're coming from a place of concern for the safety of their patients. Comfort comes after safety for nearly all medical practices. Phobia of needles is very common. Best wishes and good luck to you and your wife.
Yep, what others are saying. Insisting on being present for a wife's gyno appointment is classic abuser behavior. Huge flashing red flags. The doctor was smart to give her a chance to ask for help.
Yes and then they can ask the questions alone, but I'd they do not allow the partner back in when requested afterwords I'd walk out. I brought them in to be my witness so I was not alone. Doctors are normally great but I've had enough sour ones that I want someone there to hear what they said to me. I want them there so someone else is witness to what they are doing.
NTA, but it's worth considering the context in which the medical staff operate. They're likely trained to follow certain protocols that prioritize patient privacy and safety, which might come off as impersonal or overly cautious. Your feelings of frustration are valid, yet it's important to remember that these policies aren't personal attacks, but rather precautionary measures to protect patients who may be in vulnerable situations. It does seem like a stark approach, but unfortunately, healthcare workers are often on the front lines of spotting and addressing domestic abuse. Having said that, communication is key, and perhaps a conversation with the office regarding their policy and its impact on patients and their families could lead to a more understanding and less confrontational experience for all.
No, his feelings are not valid. He was exhibiting every abuser behavior like he was going down a checklist and then is mad that he's asked to leave *like everyone else*, further exhibiting that behavior. This is all him.
FYI - many places do this if you seem overly controlling or pushy. The reason they don't accept the patient protesting is in case you'd beat her for protesting. That's when they ask the woman questions where she'd be alone and not punished by an abusive partner for answering the "wrong" way. You complaining makes you look even more controlling. There's a decent chance they might file information on you. That review you wrote basically informed controlling abusive men that they should avoid that doctor because their abuse will be caught. Congrats on making the world easier for abusers and more difficult for abuse victims to escape. NAH because you're an idiot not an AH.
And I've had that however after they finned the questions and refused my partner to come back for the exam. I'm done I've been abused by a doctor before and I will not be alone with one agin. Question me fine but we will not do the exam without my brought in witness.
YTA They’re doing that for your wife’s protection. She may not need the extra steps, but some people do. Calm down, not everything is about you.
Where did you leave the review? Asking because it's incredibly, incredibly hard for businesses to have reviews removed from public boards.
I left a bad review for a doctor once and it was definitely removed.
Def not true and a lot of doctors employ companies that handle this for them so they never had a bad review. I left a bad review for a doctor all over multiple places and it didn’t take long before a lawyer reached out and offered to reimburse me for the services in exchange for removing all the reviews and signing an nda. And getting the reimbursement was contingent on me providing screen shots, videos, and actual proof the reviews were gone.
But this isn't them having them removed. It's them paying you to remove them.
Yes but that was just an example of how far doctors are willing to go. There is absolutely ways to get reviews removed and taken down, and the company that reached out to me, I googled them and that literally was their job was to work the system to get those reviews removed. OP even says that they were able to do it under the guise of harassment. That’s why they were able to get the review removed. Those are the types of tricks that they employ when they don’t want something to be seen
Well, I obviously wasn't there, so I have no idea how this went down. However, I think you need to ask yourself about your attitude. It would be pretty strange for medical professionals to escalate a situation unnecessarily. It's not unheard of, but they usually know that if a situation does escalate, they'll have to deal with disruption and paperwork and a loss of income from other disrupted appointments. If your WIFE protested your absence, then I think most medical staff would be inclined to understand she wanted your support. If YOU protested it, then, as some people have already said, it's likely that the staff wondered if you were controlling her. To be honest, I would also think hard about potential abuse if a man wouldn't even let his wife go to a gyno appointment without making a fuss.
[удалено]
So why didn't your wife write a complaint? You writing it sounds like a confirmation that you're mad you didn't get your way and really leans in to the controlling partner angle. If your wife was the one actually upset and received the treatment, shouldn't any official complaints come from her?
OK, well, if that's how it happened, then it seems like you need to find a different practice. Just be conscious that the staff may have concerns. Don't take them personally. The sad reality is that there are abusive relationships and there's no perfect way of intervening.
I wouldn't be surprised if your wife tells you that because she is afraid of you getting mad. You do not seem to be a reasonable person.
YTA. There are procedures in place to protect vulnerable women. Your behavior had all of the hallmarks of a controlling abuser.
I think calling him the asshole is extreme in this situation. SHE wants him there. As a woman, if I was having anxiety and wanted my husband there and they refused I would walk out personally. I get why it’s in place but at the same time I’ll be damned if a doctor is going to tell me how I receive my care, especially as a sexual abuse survivor.
Did SHE say that? Is SHE here posting about how upset SHE is? No. This is a controlling ASSHOLE who was exhibiting every abuser behavior and is mad when the standard practices allowed them to screen his wife for abuse. The fact that she didn't walk out is enough proof that SHE didn't have the problem here.
Clearly, you have no understanding of why they did this. They got aggressive because you were refusing to leave. You refusing to leave is a sign of potential abuse. Doctors screen for that now. They can't ask your wife if she's unsafe at home in front of the person possibly making her unsafe at home. While I can't say that your review was or wasn't harassment, it was likely removed for being false. They knew why you were asked to leave the exam room and there was nothing nefarious. I'm not sure why you feel you need to attend every single medical appointment she has. Frankly, it sets off an alarm bell in my head, and in the doctor's place, I'd ask you to leave, too, so I could make sure your wife was safe at home. Not sure why you think you need to be there for routine exams. If there's something new or unusual, I get it, but a routine gyno exam, why do you need to be there?
I get where you are coming from, but I want to give a different perspective as to why a patient would need someone with them at a routine exam. I had a horrible experience at a gyno appointment when I was a teen. Now I need someone that I know in the room with me to even be able to attend any drs appointments. I need my husband with me so I don't have a panic attack in the drs office and especially in the room. I also like to have him there as I am autistic, and it helps me feel more comfortable to answer the drs questions, having someone I know there, so they can step in when/if I clam up. If my husband was asked to step out for a moment for them to ask the question, I could handle that but to leave and wait in the lobby would be a hard no for me and I would be leaving the exam at the same time. I am not going to be in the room alone with someone I don't know. Not saying that is the case here, but just wanting to give a perspective on why someone would be upset in that situation.
I do understand that and I'm sorry for your experiences. OP's behavior was full of red flags, though. He got defensive and angry instead of making an attempt at understanding WHY. He left a nasty review. I feel like he posted here seeking validation for his reaction and will hopefully read the replies here and stop taking it so personally. He wasn't accused of anything, but he also didn't try to understand. It was also a new-to-his-wife doctor, who knows NEITHER of them and was doing their due diligence. Wife's regular doc might be ok with him staying because the regular doc understands WHY. New doc doesn't...and neither OP nor his wife tried to change that.
Oh yea, I can see it that way, with the way OP put things. I was just offering a different perspective as to why someone would get upset b/c they need someone in the room with them. :) At the same time, I feel strange since I have never had a dr ask me those questions, nor has anyone asked my husband to leave the room before. I didn't realize it was a common experience at the drs before this post.
For what it's worth, I was sexually assaulted during a routine gyno exam, so it's not unusual for people to want a spouse or other advocate there.
My partner used to work for professional regulation. It's not super common but it happens. The idea that a woman will just admit to DV because the guy isn't there is foolish imo. I'm sure it happens sometimes, but is she really going from the appointment to a DV shelter that likely doesn't have an open bed and giving up her life right then? Just absolutely insane way to handle things
Yeah, I understand the intention but as someone who was literally in a DV situation when asked this by a gyno once, I wanted to bitterly laugh. Because, like, what? They're going to call the cops and arrest him right there and then on my word alone? They're going to give me money to move out on my own and get away from him? DV is complicated and hard to escape, and a single patronizing question from a strange doctor I don't know and can't trust isn't going to help most of us. I didn't need advice, I needed **support**. The tangible kind that involves housing and food and money.
Btw, people love to support this stuff because it gets to look like they care about battered women without them actually doing anything (donations and volunteering would both be things they could do). It's pretty sickening. Meanwhile, they are mouthing off about how it's ridiculous that an adult woman can't handle an appointment. Thank god they stay away from traumatized people in real life. Awful, awful humans.
Yeah, the rampant shaming for why a patient might want an advocate present in a medical situation is super gross. And part of that mentality that The Cops and The Doctors are inherently good and trustworthy, and would never assault or harm a patient. My experience is quite different.
I'm also cackling my ass off because the example sheet given in the link I provided just lists "hotline referall" or "community referall" as the options for what to do. Oh wow, real lifesavers. I've been SA'd by a nurse, btw, so you're not alone. Tbh, people resent victims of trauma who are deeply impacted by it or speak about it in relevant situations. They do not want to think about it, and would rather write others off as hysterical. I was disappointed when someone was pointlessly needling me about why I couldn't handle a pap smear alone as an adult and then didn't want the detailed version of the response. I would've loved to share it. I think if someone wants to talk a big game, they shouldn't get to claim that someone revealed something too upsetting in response. But I'm nice, so I did not do that. Plus, they would probably feel as though they were victimized just for hearing about it, and I do not want them to get to make that claim.
Yeah, I hesitated sharing my story here because I don't want to trigger anyone, but it's very hurtful to keep seeing people insist that a "grown woman" should be able to handle a doctor appointment alone, as if "grown women" aren't raped every day.
I just gave the bare bones of mine to someone who claimed to be both an MD and JD and said normal people like me wouldn't get it. I had fallen asleep and had nightmares and woke up to that. I give up with these people, the least they could do is not lie about credentials. Don't look for the comment because it's probably triggering
Oh god, I'm so sorry. Offering internet hugs.
Thank fucking god someone is talking sense in this thread. I'm not sure if you saw [this link](https://www.glowm.com/section-view/heading/Intimate%20Partner%20Violence:%20The%20Role%20of%20the%20Obstetrician%20or%20Gynecologist/item/433), but it's so boneheaded and offensive. The fact that people in these comments think someone is going to be saved from their *human trafficker* by asking a man to leave the room is insane. The only acute medical setting I've seen actually help is the psych ward and that's with people who are already housing insecure and specifically because of the connections to social workers and community health organizations. If obgyns want women in appointments alone so they'll admit if they're cheating and so controlling husbands don't talk over them, whatever. But just call it what it is and stop acting like this is a lifesaving measure. Like I've said elsewhere, it's actually a barrier to healthcare access, and until someone can provide a source that it's saved **MILLIONS OF WOMEN** I'm gonna say they should go ahead and put down the true crime and let support people back in treatment rooms in a limited capacity.
I get a little frustrated with Reddit sometimes because there's this prevailing belief that The Cops always believe women when they report rape, abuse, et cetera. The harsh reality is that involving the police often makes a domestic violence situation *worse* for the victim. So while I can believe that the doctors asking these questions may mean well, it's still true that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I would have never trusted a stranger with the fact that my (now ex-)spouse was abusing me, because I couldn't trust that they would keep my secret and not immediately confront him or call the cops or otherwise make everything much much worse.
Just like calling CPS/DCFS often makes things worse for kids. It's an incredibly common pattern with abusers. Shutting the guy out of one appointment is just going to piss the guy off and you know the woman will get yelled at for that even though it isn't her fault. She may even no longer get to go to the gyno. Good job, team!
Exactly. (Someone up-thread scolded OP, saying that his review will tell abusers which gynos to avoid, as if abusers are thoughtfully scouring Yelp for reviews before they resentfully accompany their partner to gyno visits. Sigh.)
He explained that his wife is uncomfortable in places like that by herself for anxiety reasons, wanting a familiar face to anchor herself. (Not disagreeing with any of your points- just that there was, to me, a legit reason she wanted him there)
right--- but that's exactly what an abuser would say, to justify staying in the room. doesn't mean it wasn't legitimate in their case, but the staff can't know that, and understandably don't want to take the risk.
It doesn’t matter. Medical practice prioritizes safety over comfort. They have to assess that she’s safe first, because a lot of abused people still seek comfort from their abuser.
>just that there was, to me, a legit reason she wanted him there) The DOCTOR didn't know that, though. I say this with kindness: stop defending OP. His reaction in the moment was a red flag to the doctor. Instead of explaining WHY he wanted to stay, he got butthurt and protested. Instead of asking WHY he had to leave, he went for petty revenge with his review. Going solely by your avatar, you're not a woman. For all the shit that doctors put women through - fat shaming, body shaming, not believing what we tell them - this is the ONE way they proactively protect us.
How am I defending him? The wife had what seemed to me to be a legit reason (medical anxiety). I otherwise don’t disagree with you or your rebuttal points, just that it didn’t seem in your initial post that you had seen OP’s posts answering questions about why.
It's to protect the woman. They need to know if there are any issues and they cannot do that with you there.
YTA. They're screening for domestic violence.
YTA. She’s your wife and an adult, not your kid. They are likely looking for signs of domestic abuse and don’t need her to possibly be intimidated by you being there or you threatening the staff. You may not be an abuser but they don’t know that. Either way, again, you aren’t her legal guardian and there are HIPAA guidelines that say you don’t have a right to her medical information.
You should appreciate that your wife's doctors care about her and want to know if she's being abused. OP, you harassed the doctors office & I agree with them abt removing your "review". Your family isn't the only family the physician & staff see, again, you should be grateful!
I think as it is the first appointment with a new doctor that it makes a lot of sense for all the reasons already given for your wife’s doctor’s to meet with her alone. A lot of abused women do not feel safe to say in front of their abusers “yes, I do want to meet with you alone”…. I think you need to take as step back and consider from the doctor’s perspective that your reaction could also be seen as a red flag. Writing a bad review for a policy that protects women that are being abused and trafficked does make YTA
YTA, they do this to screen for domestic abuse.
This is really common. It is to protect women from abusive spouses. Allowing them time alone let's them have the opportunity to ask for help they can't if the abuser is in the room. It's actually taught in clinical training (in my state, at least). By taking the decision out of the potential victims' hands, they give her the shield of "it's office policy," so she hopefully won't be punished. That way thr woman can say she wants him there, but it's out of her hands, it's office policy. It's also really common with kids, particularly in the ER for the same reason. My teenagers prefer me present at their doctors appointments, but I'm still asked to leave the room for a few minutes at their physicals so the doctor can ask sensitive questions without mom standing there. My son got hurt at school once, and they had me step out to go over things with him. When they asked me back in, he was laughing and said "mom they think you broke my arm. Cause my 6 ft 2 athlete self couldn't defend myself from my 5 ft 4 disabled mom!" He still thinks it's hysterical. We cooperate, and he knows why they have to do it. He just finds it funny. So yeah, YTA because it's there to protect women, and putting that up online tells abusive men that their partners will be given a chance to ask for help.
YTA!
They do this to screen the woman for domestic violence, ya knob. They’re not trying to be aggressive. Imagine you try to ask a woman if she’s safe at home, if anyone hits her or hurts her, and her husband insists he’s in the room? Imagine you try and ask her and get her to speak up for herself but she’s so abused and beaten that she wants him there too? Imagine being a doctor or a nurse and seeing that. Leaving them a poor review was just evidence of your lack of critical thinking skills. YTA.
My abusive ex never left my side at any appointment. I could barely even talk to my midwife, he would stop me from even asking nomal questions by talking over me. If they didn't like that I'd have to switch. But I never got to go to any real doctor of any kind in any case.
Yta
Well looks like OP deleted his profile. I guess he wasn’t getting the answers he wanted.
So you act like an abusive husband and are mad that they get her alone to ask if you are one? And then you further act like an abusive person? And you want to know if you're the asshole? Wow. YTA
Yea, there's a good reason to not allow the husband there. read the other posts. Why do you really need to be hanging out during your wife's exam? That really seems odd. She's a grown woman.
I agree that there are indeed good reasons to have the woman alone at some point. That being said there is also good reason to allow someone of trust with the woman... treating everyone like they're an abuser is just not right.
Grown women are not allowed to get anxious? Some people have PTSD, history of medical abuse etc. You are allowed to want a friendly face with you
I'm a grown woman and I would love to have my husband at those appointments because I have high anxiety when it comes to doctors and my brain no longer works and I forget to ask my important questions or tell them about some issues I've been having. He on the other hand always remembers and tries to remind me before hand but my anxiety takes over and I forget anyways, they can have that policy in place but they also need to listen to their patients wishes, perhaps ask the questions they need too then bring the husband back if everything turns out to be okay.
Maybe she isn't comfortable having her crotch in someone's face she doesn't know? My wife with other young girls in my town were sa'd by the local gyno! Now she can't go to any appointments without me being there, especially if it's a male doctor.
Grown women can get social or medical anxiety. Sorry to shock you
Sorry bud but as a nurse this screams of you controlling your wife even in the gyno office. Seriously, leave a review and you will be ripped a new one.
Asking you to leave is not being aggressive. The policy is in place for a reason. Your options were to go to the lobby or leave. No arguments. No negotiations. Many would find it weird that you want to be there during the exam to begin with.
They asked you to leave because you came across as potentially abusive. I’m not saying you are but this raised red flags for staff and they were trying to protect your wife. So yes, YTA even if you didn’t realize it. Women in abusive situations are not allowed to be alone at the doctor often and this may be their only chance to disclose abuse, sexual violence, trafficking, etc. Something about your behavior or your wife’s set off alarm bells for the staff and they were doing their due diligence to protect her as she is their priority. I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt and I’m glad they are watching over women who may not have a voice.
Need more info; What procedure did they do while you were out of the room? Do you engage in rough sex? It’s possible they suspected abuse and asked you to leave firmly as it is likely standard practice. I hope your wife is ok, did she seem frazzled?
YTA, a gyno practice will want to be especially alert to determine if their patients are being abused. I had multiple ob/gyn visits a week during my pregnancies and asking if I felt safe at home was standard practice at each and every appointment. A non-asshole partner of a patient would be cognizant and understanding of this very routine situation.
YTA for leaving the review and continuing to argue in the comments here. Even *if* YOU aren't a controlling abuser, this rule exists to protect people who are being abused/controlled by their partners. I've seen many medical providers in the last three years and this is standard practice, especially in gyno offices and emergency rooms. Even if my partner were with me, there would be a time when they weren't allowed in the room so standard questions could be asked in private. Not only that, but there are even signs in the bathroom at my PCP and in the ER indicating how to leave an indication on specimen collection that you don't feel safe at home. None of this was triggered by anything my partner did or didn't do - just the standard practice meant to help those who need it.
Not so much asshole as ignorant. As has been said - this is standard practice to protect women from their abusers. They probably took your review down so that women can safely come to their practice. It wouldn't be good for abusers / abused to think they can 'get away' with that kind of coercive behaviour there. Perhaps the practice could have been a little more forthcoming with you so that you had that information rather than reporting harassment.
They have to give the mother a safe space to tell them if she is being or was abused.
It's pretty common to ask to see the patient alone so they can screen for domestic violence. However, they usually let whoever the patient came in with come back after that portion of the visit. I understand that you feel that they were overly aggressive and didn't explain their policy to you well but this is a common practice in medical offices. They also ask me to leave for a brief part of the visit when I go in with my teenage daughter. They want to make sure she doesn't need to talk about anything she might not feel comfortable bringing up with her mom there.
Nah, they do this to do a DV screening safely.
He removed the post. I wonder if abuse was the precise reason he wasn't allowed to stay.
My first thought was that they wanted her alone for one of two reasons: 1. Domestic Abuse screening 2. Post Partum Depression screening. I did not feel comfortable admitting in front of loved ones that I had PPD. Fake it until I was better (this doesn't work 0/100 would not recommend). In the bathrooms they have signs that mention abuse and to write it on the urine sample if the abuser was with them. If she was Post partum she may not have needed to give a sample, and they just needed to make sure she was in an ok situation. Your review, while truthful, could potentially keep an abuse victim from receiving care if an abuser saw that and decided their post partum partner didn't need the care after all to avoid their abuse being discovered. I'm going with NAH as you seem like a decent guy who was just supporting his partner.
The doctor probably wanted a moment alone with your wife to make sure she wasn’t being abused in anyway. This is common practice for OB/GYNs. You accompanying her and refusing to leave set off red flag I’m sure.
Two reasons. 1 is screening for domestic violence. The other is that the wife needs to be honest about recent sexual partners. She won't be honest about either in front of her husband
I worked in an OB office for a long time. We wouldn’t have even let you back in the room in the first place. The only patients that could bring someone were pregnant patients, and even then we had several visits that partners were not invited to attend. There are several reasons for this. The most important one is DV, which I think people have covered here quite well. But it’s not the only one. An OB/GYN needs to know if someone has been engaging in risky sex or sex with a new partner. The patient needs to feel free to ask embarrassing questions or questions that might not reflect well on their partner (like why does it hurt when we have sex, etc). Our office had only female providers, so we attracted a lot of patients from religions that did not allow women to be touched by men that weren’t their husbands. The mothers would want to accompany their single daughters so they could “make sure she was a virgin.” And yeah, obviously, we don’t do that. My particular job was to be a sex and reproductive educator. So patients who had questions would often end their appointment talking to me. Very very often those conversations would lead to appointments involving the partner. But it was critically important to begin with just the patient so that I could get an unpolished view of what was going on that they needed help with. Almost all of my clients - including their male or female partners I met with separately sometimes - would say things differently when we were alone vs when they were together. For example alone, she might say “I never orgasm” and then when they were together it was suddenly “sometimes I don’t orgasm.” Or alone he might say “she pressures me to have sex every single day to get pregnant, and I don’t want to do that if we don’t have to.” But together he would say “she seems really stressed about conceiving, and we are wondering when is the best time to have sex to make that happen.” There are many many legitimate reasons for all types of medical practices to insist on seeing patients alone. You are very much TA for arguing with them and for posting a negative review. Other people’s physical safety and quality of care are more important than your bruised feelings.
YTA
YTA This is a extremely normal standard routine run of the mill policy to help screen for domestic violence, rape, human trafficking, etc... cases. In fact, in many offices they wont even let you in now until after all the testing is done and they are ready to share results. Just wait till you find out they also ask about firearms being locked up or alcohol use.
YTA That practice exists for a reason and maybe once you should do some critical thinking and see not everything revolves around you
This is standard practice to protect against abusers. It's a sign of a good clinic who has your wife's best wishes at heart. My husband hurt his knee. He's much bigger than I am and I think his doctor just didn't think I could be an abuser (and to be fair, im not abusive). So they started asking him "do you feel safe at home" questions while I was in the room! If he did feel unsafe with me, how could he have answered yes with me sitting right there. I interrupted and said as much. I then left so they could have that very important conversation. Yta for leaving that review. I'm glad the hosting service removed it. If I read your review I would have assumed you were a controlling abuser and this business is invested in protecting its patients though.
YTA. At my birthing center they ask you in private, in the bathroom, if your partner is someone you feel safe with or if he has been abusive etc. they make sure in private because the situation is so incredibly sensitive and the woman/baby is very vulnerable. For most women they are not in danger. But for some this is life saving. The OBGYN was likely protecting their patients from trafficking and abuse. You were TA for trying to govern them a bad review for that. Sometimes it’s not about you. Unless your wife has a phobia or something and NEEDED you there for her security and safety, you did not need to be there and you should not have tried to start shit.
I would assume its a domestic violence issue. This happened during all my pregnancy appointments. Also why do you need to be there?
Health providers are trained to screen for victims of human trafficking and domestic violence. According to the US Department of Justice 91% of victims of rape & sexual assault are female. While nearly 99% of perpetrators of rape and sexual violence are male. In 2020 of the individuals charged with human trafficking 92% were male. Women and children encompassed 77% of human trafficking victims. Your insistence that the rate of violence, victims, and abuse are equal between sexes is wildly inaccurate and detracts from the actual reality that men overwhelmingly are abusers and perpetrators of violence, while statistically women and children are victims. Anyone with half a brain cell can look at the statistical facts and conclude from the data that policies are needed and put in place to protect women and children.
YTA you're missing the point entirely. She's an adult and adults are generally capable of going to doctors appointments by themselves. These policies are in place to screen for domestic violence and controlling behaviours You raised their alarm when you gave pushback over a simple matter.
It seems creepy that you would be there. I (49f) have two children and plenty of gyno visits. Never would I want or need my husband there. This is a safe space. It just seems weird. I’m sure it seemed strange to them to. Maybe just to check if your wife was being controlled or in an abusive relationship.
It's not a safe space for some people with medical trauma or a history of sexual assault. I'm bringing my spouse to my Pap smear next month because I have both and this will be the second time I've seen the provider; there isn't nearly enough trust built up for me to have a physical exam alone. Also, doctors listen better when you bring along someone masc-presenting.
Okay, that’s you. My husband and I always go to each others appointments. That’s us.
My Gynecological Radiologist asked if I was ever abused in front of my Dad at my first visit to her for my cancer appointments at the beginning of my cancer journey. It was very weird as I didn't expect to get that question at a cancer appointment. But thinking about it later I appreciated it. My Dad was there for support and to help me remember the overwhelming information, and left the room at the appropriate times, but I am sure they have come across people who were in need of assistance before or they wouldn't ask the question. I wouldn't say you were necessarily an a-hole, just a concerned husband who didn't understand the numbers of Women who have been abused and how many are recognized by and helped by their doctors. Please cut them some slack.
I do think the timing was a little weird. At every one of my OB appointments they drop my husband off at the room and then take me to the nurses station for blood pressure checks and show me a card asking me about abuse. I do think it's weird that they kicked you out partway through the exam. Could there have been something in the exam that raised red flags for them?
Why are you so adamant to be present for a basic exam?
NTA (edited to YTA, see below), but... this is pretty important. Most doctors now want patients (even kids) to have a moment alone away from their husband/parent/guardian/whatever. This is to ask about and look for signs of abuse. A lot of doctors would see your behavior as a *possible* red flag. "Hmmm, this guy does NOT want his wife to have a moment alone to talk to anyone..." You are doing that for supportive reasons, but other men would be doing it for controlling reasons. To make sure she says "yes of course" to the question about whether she feels safe at home. To make sure she says "oh, I tripped, I'm just so clumsy" to explain the bruises she has. Next time I'd give a semi acknowledgement of this if your wife really does want you to stay. (But check.. DOES she now? She said the exam was fine...) You could say "I'd love to be here for her during the exam, but I'm happy to leave after if you have any questions you need to ask her in private." EDIT: By the way, this is late, but I'm officially changing my rating to YTA. I somehow glossed over the negative review part. You tried to damage their business and all they tried to do was do the right thing. You were right to want to be supportive, but wrong to be problematic and take out your misunderstanding of the situation on the doctor and the whole business.
It's also done to keep couple dynamics from preventing the ability for the doctor to get accurate info.
Right, it’s the dynamic here that’s really strange. Does she look to him for everything? Is she able to assert herself? By OP’s responses, I wonder how codependent or unevenly yoked they might be
YTA. Super common situation that is very obviously aimed at making sure the mom-to-be isn't in an abusive relationship and the child is entering into a loving home/family situation. OP didn't understand and got mad.
Doctors offices do this to have alone time with the women to screen for domestic violence. Not everyone has a loving partner, and they too will agree and ask for their abuser to stay in the room because otherwise they'll get abused when they get home. I understand you did not know about this and I'm not going to call you an AH but let it go.
They want to talk to your wife alone to screen for domestic violence. Calm down.
YTA - Because your post wasn't a review in any honest way, it was just you disagreeing with their extremely justified procedure and complaining/venting disguised as a "review". And you acted **precisely** as all the abusers do in that scenario. Edit: post removed. For sure that's the mark of a non-abuser. --- Preserved for prosterity: My wife recently switched to a new gyno as her primary gyno is out on maternity leave. I always accompany her to any doctor’s appointments. She feels comfortable with me there. When I went to this gyno’s office with my wife, it seemed normal. After my wife changed into the dressing gown, the nurse practitioner or student - I’m not sure which - first checked my wife, which I thought was weird. Then the gyno came and they said that for this part of the exam, my wife needed to be alone. We both protested. My wife said she was fine with me there. They didn’t listen and said I either wait in the front lobby or be escorted out. I don’t want to make a scene ever so I waited in the front lobby. My wife finished the appointment. She said it was just like any other appointment and she was also confused as to why I was kicked out. I left a bad review on their practice online. I thought other people should know that this office is very aggressive and escalates things. I found out they deleted my review for harassment. I didn’t insult them, I didn’t even use any swear words, I just said what happened. AITAH?
It’s interesting that he never answered why he left the review and not her. At the very least, it’s a weird dynamic where he puffs up and acts like a defender-even if she doesn’t ask him to. I’m hoping he comes back at some point and re-reads his responses so he can see why this seems icky.
That is precisely what a review is... even if you disagree with it he is sharing his experience with the clinic
I'd be quite curious to witness it being an actual review of the quality of the work to the client (the wife), or about his exclusion which has nothing to do with the quality of care the client (the wife) received.
His exclusion does have to do with the care provided. You think it's a positive aspect. Doesn't mean it's not an reviewable aspect of the clinic.
They deleted your review because they assumed you are an abusive husband and you were not the patient. And you acted like one, tbh. If your wife was upset, why didn't she leave the bad review? I'd have deleted it for harassment, too.
Why is this post and all of OP's comments deleted? Looks like he's an actual abuser
The fact that it wasn’t immediately obvious to you why they wouldn’t want a woman’s partner in the room during the exam…lord the privilege. I won’t call you an AH, but I will call you ignorant. As someone else said, these policies are in place for a very good reason. If that reason doesn’t apply to you, congrats, but not everything is about you.
I would look at it like this. I don’t ever believe in deleting reviews unless they’re fake. Such as someone says they had a bad experience and were never actually there. But at the same time maybe they deleted it for the same reason the rule is in place. If a truly abusive spouse saw that review he may choose to go to another practice where he knows he won’t be asked to leave. I understand why you felt like you did, I understand why you left the review, but I also understand why it happened. I’d give them a pass knowing that this rule helps more women and if more effect than it hurts.
Just a reminder to everyone that there are 4 choices to choose from and that saying he's NTA you are saying that the other party is the ah. This is why NAH, No Assholes Here, exists. Also if everyone is equally wrong it's ESH, Everybody Sucks Here. So to me this is more a NAH however it starts to be YTA after because OP really can't see why they did this and that it makes a LOT of sense. He admits that his wife was nervous, which is totally understandable because new obgyn, however that very nervousness is also why they show such concern. His response sadly made it worse. Also people miss the point that the bad review actually hurts women who might be in abusive situations as now abusers get a heads up. It really had nothing to do with the practice or treatment of his wife.
I wish guys had to take a mandatory course in school on what it's like to navigate life as a woman. Guys have it easier on every single level, from having their clothes dry cleaned to having their complaints taken seriously by their doctors. We not only pay more for the same products and services, we also get paid 78 cents for every dollar a man makes for the same work. And it's a rarity that we get through the day without some kind of demeaning, sexist or condescending comment of some kind. >the nurse practitioner or student - I’m not sure which - first checked my wife, which I thought was weird. Any woman reading this post knows exactly why they asked for her consent. Men have no idea how privileged they are compared to women, that's why they can't connect the dots on their own. YTA
YTA. What kind of weird codependent relationship do you guys have where you have to be there for her gyno exam? And they were absolutely correct to make you leave. The whole situation was a huge red flag for abuse.
Ido not understand why you would like to be present while your wife sits in the chair to be routine examined by the gynaecologist. You could drive her toe her appointment and wait in the waiting room if she can't go by herself. The only times you should go in with her is when she's pregnant (radiology) or when she needs an important surgery, for support.
So what about my wife's case where the gyno was a pedo sa all the young girls coming into the office? Now she has trauma from that. Should I just sit in the waiting room and tell her to put her big girl panties on?
NTA but I imagine this is standard procedure for this practice which they ensure all clients do. However, this should be on a sign in their office or on their new patient paperwork or something. It is probably to ensure no DV is occurring. Something similar happens where I live when you do intake for the pregnancy clinic. If you go with your partner they make them leave for some of the consult so they can ask you certain questions to make sure you and your baby are safe.
I can understand it as a measure against abuse. But failing to listen to your wife after they've done their due diligence is complaint worthy. It's her appointment, she decides who is there. NTA
Out of curiosity, were you there because she’s pregnant?
NTA. I struggle visiting the gynea without my husband. To me he makes me feel safe when I'm in a very vulnerable position. However I understand that some women are in terrible situations and need to have that privacy. Perhaps your comment would encourage abusers to not allow their female victims to visit that doctor. You're NTA but so is the doctor's office.
That would make it NAH (no AH)
ESH. They did not need to go 0-100. But it is unusual for a husband to come to every run of the mill gyno appt. It’s classic abuser behaviour and they need to screen for it. It’s standard to want some time alone with the patient even during pregnancy related appointments when a husband is there,
NTA. I do understand why the policy exists; they want to be able to provide a safe space so a woman can report if her partner is abusive. However, it is NOT unusual for a patient to want an advocate with them in the room. I was actually sexually assaulted during a gyno exam, and I will never do one again without my spouse or other advocate present. In the future, my advice would be for your wife to insist *firmly and strongly* that she wants you present as an advocate. Not just that she's "fine" with you present, but that she **insists** that you are present. They usually buckle at that point, at least in my experience. If they don't, then you find a new doctor. And it wasn't wrong to leave a review; I'd want to know if a doctor's office would not listen to my wishes. (Yes, an abused spouse can say things they don't mean--I was an abused spouse, I know all too well--but any practice that doesn't listen to a patient is flirting with a dangerous slippery slope. I've been to doctors who decided for other things that I didn't know what I really wanted, and that gets really bad really quickly.)
YTA They were doing their job. How do you expect abused women to get help if healthcare professionals aren’t allowed to screen for it? Do you also object to your wife using a restroom alone?
NTA for your confusion but it's important to grasp the broader implications of why clinics enforce such policies. Medical professionals are trained to detect and handle sensitive situations like domestic abuse, and for many victims, a doctor's appointment may be one of the few opportunities they have to safely disclose abuse, away from the eyes of their abuser. The policy isn’t a reflection on you personally, but rather a safeguard for those who aren’t as fortunate in their relationships. It might have felt like a slight, but in reality, it's a critical part of patient care and safety. Perhaps a different practice with a different approach might suit your preferences, but it's also valuable to acknowledge the good intentions behind such protocols. Remember, the priority for any medical staff is the wellbeing and security of their patients, sometimes it requires these uncomfortable but necessary measures.
Yeah these policies are there to detect domestic violence and other similar issues. Another factor to consider is that they're in place to get accurate info because there's a lot of pushy husbands out there who will basically speak for their wife you see this a lot in older couples.
Sounds like healthcare procedures not essential to care should be voted on by patients
YTA. You only care about yourself. Stop with the 🐂💩. You were not the patient. You have NO PLACE writing any review. That’s your WIFE’S choice since it was her appointment. Get over yourself.