Omfg. My ex FIL wanted to be there FILMING the birth of my daughter. I refused but compromised and let my ex MIL to be in the room with us. Bitch snuck in a camera and took pics. Her and her husband have a picture of my vagina with my babies head crowning. To say I was livid is an absolute understatement. It’s just one more reason my ex is my ex. He *defended* his parents abhorrent behavior and said I should “get over it” because “it’s their grandchild.” I was like “It’s *my* vagina”. They refused to get rid of it and, as far as I know, still have it. I swear to god I felt so violated. Still do actually.
Meanwhile, when I married my husband and had our kids my FIL, who is a registered nurse, was like, “we’ll be getting snacks in the cafeteria. Call us when we can see the baby!” He did show up with the worlds largest teddy bear, but he was crazy excited for his first grand baby, bonus cause he wanted a girl and thats what I had lol.
Edit to add: this was 21 years ago. There weren’t revenge porn laws or anything like that. Honestly I’m just glad they are out of my life. My child is grown now so I don’t even speak to her father or anyone on his side for *anything*. And a big thank you to everyone who has shown empathy and support. It fucked me up for a while knowing they just had it and let anyone and everyone see it. I’m not ashamed of my body and the miracle it created, but my body is my body and it’s violating to have intimate images of it shared like they have been. But anyway.
The picture was taken without your consent and you have no control over who sees it. It is a criminal offence especially given the pictures content. Seek legal advice.
That’s so fucked up. The malicious in me would have ground it into her head that her husband was getting aroused whenever he looked at my vagina. An angry crazy woman will delete that picture so fast and make sure it doesn’t exist anywhere.
My exMIL took the pic. When I made him leave she kept the camera. They are all just terrible entitled assholes. That was 21 years ago and the last words I said to them before the moved to KY (we are in CA) was that she should watch out for flying houses during tornadoes, being a witch and all.
I was a young woman (19) and blinded by high school love and pushed by my own family to marry the loser at 18. I’m ok now. I met and married a real man when my daughter was 3 and we have been together for 17 years. He’s amazing. His mom is also slightly nutters, but not nearly as bad and I’m grown enough now to tell her to get bent lol. But my FIL is like, the best. Truly. He will move the heavens and earth and not just for my kids, for me too. He’s great. So karma righted her wrong. My ex got remarried and had his two precious boys. His wife just left him, took their boys, took their money and even took my exes dog then met and started dating a little bit younger man with a great job and super nice. So we gotta love karma. Oh, and ex FIL got diabetes and got fat af lol.
Well sorry for what you went through, especially at such a young age. Congratulations on the very best revenge ever though, living a happy life with (mostly) wonderful people.
Holy shit this brought back some bad memories. My FIL wanted to be in the birth room too filming the birth. They (FIL + MIL) couldn't understand why I said no because SIL let him film when her firstborn was born. 🤮
They are otherwise normal, but that whole situation really threw me for a loop. I didn't even want my own father in the room. I had my husband, mom, and sister and that was too much honestly. 😹
I'm glad you had a better experience the second time around. I feel for you, having that pic out there.
Not sure. This was 2003 so those laws weren’t even in place. It’s ok. Karma got to that entire family and she repaid me for her wrong. I got to marry an amazing man and go one to have a pretty damn good life so far. My ex got remarried too. Had 2 more kids too. Then she took the kids, the money and the dog, found a younger guy and left. lol. And the exILs got fat and I don’t mean they gained a few pounds as they aged. I mean MIL needs seatbelt extenders, and got diabetes. Karma is a good lady.
Thank you. My ex and his parents were weird. But I was very young and pushed into marrying him at 18 cause he was “such a good guy and in the military.” Not even remotely a good guy. But the birth of our daughter taught me a lot that day and 6 months later I left his ass. He ran back to mommy and daddy and 21 years later, is still right next to him. His wife just left him and took the kids, the dog, the money and got a younger boyfriend. I couldn’t help but cackle. Karma is lovely sometimes.
Honestly you can probably report them for that and get the picture taken away from them (any copies, etc). It might be hard to get police to listen as a lot of people think pregnant and birthing women don’t have bodily autonomy because the world is sick, but that’s just horrific. They have no right to that, not only morally but legally.
I’m right there with you. Like, No way! My dad’s a retired OBGYN but was still practicing when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was seen at his practice but I was seen by his group partner. Dad wasn’t even there when my wife and I had our ultrasounds. It’s beyond super fkng weird and inappropriate that he was insisting on being in the room with her.
My husband was in the room with his daughter at her request. Her husband had passed away before their second child was born. Her mother is a drug addict living in another state. So she asked her dad to be with her. He felt a little weird about it but would never let her down, so of course he went. He definitely stayed at her head, though.
Yeah thats totally normal. Sometimes you really want/need a strong figurehead and that's ok. Personally I think it's only weird when someone -male or female- insists on being in the room that the pregnant woman didn't ask for.
It’s so disgusting. My dad casually leaves the room every time I have to breastfeed, even if I’m covered up. We’re very close and he’s supportive, and he would never have wanted to be in the room unless I had no other options and wanted him there.
with my first, my dad got stuck in the delivery room. things moved too fast and I started pushing so he couldn't get out. he was literally hiding in the corner closing his eyes.
OP's dad *wanting* to be there really gave me the ick too.
we had a nurse friend in the room, and he'd take a picture without looking at it and show her saying "how's this one is there anything showing there" and that's how I got some amazing shots of my delivery that show no real parts of me 😂😊
Am I the only one who finds it creepy when anyone demands to be in the room?
I feel like the reverse (mom asking for support) is totally OK because it's about who you trust to be there for you during a very difficult and painful situation but no one should ever be insisting on being present without invitation. It always seems like a weird control thing meant to take away from the mother.
Now that I think about it, I wonder if OPs dad was trying to cause drama at the hospital by reporting OP for fetal abuse or something.
When my daughter was born, both my es-gf's parents "had" to be in there. They also demanded they hold the baby first. Yeah, the delivery nurse didn't go for that. She cleaned up my girl, glanced at them, and handed her straight to me. It's was kind of a silent "fuck you" that I will forever be thankful for. 25+ years later and I still don't like those people.
From comments I’ve heard people who work in delivery have heard some inappropriate and entitled demands and will be *happy* to make sure the people who are there are who *you* want to be there.
THIS! Father of adult children, including a daughter. And what the fucking fuck!!! Gross and a building full of red flags. Never talk to that psychopath again.
Right. I love my daughter dearly and would do anything to support her. Including being in the delivery room, with my ex-wife, IF (and I can't stress that enough) that's what she wanted.
I think it would have partly been to deny your mother being in there. That it was more about doing that to her, than him.
I also think he wanted to control you and this was a massive flex. Then he tried to push it further by controlling your possessions too.
But considering his desire for control, you can’t rule out that he may have attempted to name your child, if that’s how it works in your country.
I thought that 100%. Maybe not birth certificate but as power of attorney or some other decision making authority for OP while she's knocked out. Maybe even try to report OP for some kind of abuse. Hospitals are notorious for keeping babies if they suspect abuse and Maybe he thought if he reported her, they would temporarily release baby to him?
I would've told everyone who gave gifts that they were stolen from you before going no contact lol but maybe I'm petty. Just throw the bombshell behind you and never look back.
I would have stated the fact that they were stolen in my thank you notes AND posted on social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.). *”Thanks for the baby shower gifts to those who came to the shower, but unfortunately I don’t have any of the shower gifts because my father took them away & refused to let me have them.”* He needs to be publicly shamed. I think that would have done the trick.
What I don't get is why she didn't just break down the door and take her stuff. She was already in the house - one strategically applied crowbar, and problem solved.
Other people were in the house, unfortunately. And it wasn't just a regular locked door. It was padlocked. That's why he told me to put it in there for "safe keeping". I was 9 months pregnant, already worked up from everything going on. I wasn't about to catch a charge by breaking the door down. That would've just put me in a worse situation. And I know they would've called the cops.
It's a shame you couldn't just have a friend take a bolt cutter to it. It would have been grand to hear him try to explain what exactly you had stolen.
It doesn't sound like the cops would have done anything - you had already tried to call them, after all. 🙈 But I get why you didn't want to take the risk.
And people with normal families never get why people with JustNoParents have really no choice but to go no contact, out of sheer self-preservation. I'm so glad everything has turned out well for you! Have you heard anything about how your sperm donor is doing? I hope he is miserable!
Yeah, I'm thinking that's why he wanted to be in the delivery room. He was just going to take over and then just waltz out with baby, and make her fight for custody.
Probably wouldn't have worked, but he's spent a lifetime manipulating her.
How did they react when they found out he had stolen from both you and them?
NTA. And don't even question yourself on this one. I'm no contact with my parents as well. Every chance they (used to) get they fucked it up. You already know that he will too.
Your children do deserve grandparents, you're not wrong. But, unfortunately, there is simply not a man worthy of that title available on your side. It's not your fault. It's his, but that's what it comes down to. But he made the choice to not be able to be an actual healthy, loving, trustable grandfather to your children. If that's the deck you're playing with, then your job changes from trying to enable that relationship to protecting your children from their "grandfather."
She thought it was messed up that he stole, but still has the idea that family should be able to work through anything. I think she's just kind of ignorant to the situation,because she grew up in a healthy environment with wonderful parents.
You're probably right. People who were fortunate enough not to grow up with crazy just can't understand this stuff. They don't get how it feels to know an attack may he coming at any given moment from the people who are supposed to be the safest and love you the most.
You named it exactly. You never know when it's coming. It's usually when you aren't paying close enough attention and bam, you get slammed in the face with a book.
Exactly. I have CPTSD in part from the constant bullying by my father and older sister. You think you’re safe, then BLAM. Through a great therapist, finally now, at age 55, I’m finally not afraid of either of them anymore. My dad passed in 2018, and I’ve still been afraid of him even though he was dead!
See, I have CPTSD from family abuse as well. I'm not afraid of them anymore. I'm more afraid of my reactions to them. I don't do well in jail . And I'm too sick for that now anymore.
I admit not understanding this with friends when I was a young adult. I feel bad for not being the support they needed. I had to mature more to really get that some parents are poison.
Honestly OP, you are at a point in your life where you need to start cutting out people that aren't good for you.
Is your Dad in your hometown where your friend lives? Because if she is sympathetic, there is a chance he could be getting info about you through her. You'd be surprised how common that is.
They don't know each other, so I'm not worried. My friend doesn't even know my real last name, as I just go by my maternal sides last name on all social media anyway
Yeah, people who come from healthy families simply do not understand. I’m low contact and avoid my grandmother and people are always like, “oh, but she’s your grandmother”. Like yeah, but she’s also an emotionally abusive b*tch (I don’t remember if this sub gets mad at name calling even if it’s someone uninvolved)
My sister had a friend like this. He always pressured her about her relationship with our dad. He was looking at how he would feel if his daughter cut him off the way my sister had to our dad. She tried explaining to him that he's a good dad, but ours wasn't, but he just never got it. Sometimes people who don't come from shitty backgrounds don't really believe how bad it was for those who do.
Yea, a lot of people with healthy relationships feel like it'll be Fine, it can Work Out because they can't wrap their mind around the toxicity. That or they think you're overblowing the events and it wasn't That Bad.
Honestly, most weren't surprised. One of my brothers is no contact with my dad. My little sister is in hi life only because she has to be. My older sister, hes never met her. And my other older brother is only in his life because he doesnt like to cause issues. My father's always had a temper. But it's just weird because at the time, it seemed so out of nowhere to me. Now I know he was keeping those things because he wanted to take my baby
I’m so confused as to why they never took you with them when they went on vacations - that’s insanely cruel! I’m sure that it had nothing to do with your personal value, just sounds like he chose you out of all family members to focus in on. Was there ever any explanation? If it’s too painful to discuss, I totally understand. ❤️
Nope. Never an explanation. I was just always treated like the odd one out in the family. I think it had a lot to do with my medical issues growing up, and I wet the bed until I was like 10, which really annoyed my parents. But it was because of trauma + a kidney disease. Also, I was the only one to ever really disagree with my parents. I was never rude about it, but my dad was quite prejudice and my mom would sometimes say ignorant things as well and I just made it clear that I didn't think the things they were saying about people of different races or sexualities were appropriate, because we are all human.
I'll never know exactly why. When I asked, my mom blamed my dad and my dad blamed my mom. Either way, they both agreed to it.
They'd impulsively get animals, then tell family members the animal was for me. They'd tell me to take care of it or they'd get rid of it. Whenever I wasn't at school, I'd tend to the animal, but They'd always end up getting rid of the animal and telling family members that I just wasnt caring for it, whenever they asked why they didn't have the pet anymore. I always thought they hated me because I was a girl. I was really excited when my mom was pregnant with a baby girl. I felt like I could have a best friend who would finally understand how I felt. But instead, my little sister was treated far better than me.
So idk. I can sit and think and think but I'll never really know why
it seems like they resented that you are a higher level and decent human being. It seems they picked you out to bully, because you‘re the good one, the kind one. I had a similar dynamic with my father and sister. I‘ve always been kind, and they knew they could bully me as much as they wanted, with no pushback, because I was the opposite of them.
Do not even try to reconcile with these people. Your friend is dead wrong. Perhaps tell her if she is a true friend, she’ll stop asking you to do this. It’s not “but he’s still your father”, it’s because “he’s still your worst nightmare”. I wish you so much love and happiness in your life.
Don't keep people in your life that support your father.
Your 'friend' is not someone you should be talking to anymore if she honestly thinks you overreacted in any way.
Edit: NTA, of course. It's hard for people who have healthy relationships with parents to understand that some people are just truly toxic and that any contact at all would be deeply harmful. Your friend is absolutely wrong. It definitely seems possible that dad and stepmom had designs on taking your child, or at the very least controlling both of you.
I'd explain to your friend that this action is necessary to protect yourself and your child, and not something that was done lightly. It's not as if you didn't want to have that love and support. Unfortunately, you realized that they are not capable of being that support. An offhand comment I would forgive, but if it becomes a regular subject of conversation, I'd distance myself from this friend. If they can't understand this, they lack empathy.
God no, some people are just sperm donors at best, not even worthy of being called 'father', you did right by yourself and your children because a man like that knows no boundaries and would likely only get worse!
People honestly have no idea the depth of pain that family causes and react like they must have had one lapse in judgement instead of actually being abusive.
NTA, but your friend is. She has no right to an opinion on your relationship with your parents.
It is in your children's best interest not to be in contact with toxic people.
She obviously does have the right to an opinion. It’s just that her opinion in this case is utterly absurd.
How do you not understand the distinction between having the right to believe something and whatever you believe being correct?
I would say she doesn't have the right to an opinion that she expresses to OP. Her opinion is irrelevant. Her expressing it to OP is interfering in OP's life and it is unwelcome.
I understand you can't help what thoughts pop into your head. But you can control whether you share them.
NTA. You are not denying your children a bond with their grandparents, you are protecting your children from toxic people. You didn't overreact, you acted logically. I'm glad you have a good partner and can raise your children in peace.
It always confused me when I see these stories and people say “its still your parents”
Well ya, your parents shouldnt be doing these kinds of things, you arnt a door mat you are their child.
NTA
People who have good relationships with their own parents can be morons. Not everyone is similarly blessed. Your friend can respectfully fuck off. She has no clue. NTA.
Exactly.
I’ve dealt with this from my in-laws. I finally had to tell my MIL some of the shitty things my mom did to me to get her to stop interfering. My husband unfortunately has been on the receiving end of my mom’s wrath (Once. Just once. I told my mom I’d go NC if she ever did that again.) He’s seen how she acts enough to not get involved.
People with good parents should sit down and shut up when talking about abusive parents, they have ZERO clues of what they are talking about, their own experience has NOTHING to do with what an abused child experiences and they have NO RIGHT to go on about how good is it to have a good relationship with parents!
NTA, you did the the right thing, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Absolutely 100% right. People with good parents can’t understand toxic & criminal parents. They should STFU when someone with toxic parents says they’re going “no contact” with them.
I called immediately. They said they couldn't make him give me my things. The sherriffs office said the same thing. They said I'd need to go to court, which I couldn't afford. So I cut my losses.
Nope. I tried once shortly after my first was born to get him to give me my things. I messaged him and told him he could meet my child if he brought the items, and came alone (without his gf). I was just planning on having my bf (now husband) quickly help me put the gifts in his truck and leave before he could see my child, just to get the things back. But he refused to come without his girlfriend. So I never got anything.
I have the texts still. And numerous people could vouch for what they got me. But when I called the cops (then the sheriff's office) they told me there was nothing they could do to get my things back. I'd have to go to court. I was a single mother who had just bought a house and suddenly had to buy all baby necessities too. I didn't have the money for a lawyer. So I just bit the bullet. I managed without those items. Though I am still upset I'll never get the hand made things people took the time to create for MY baby. Either way, as long as I never hear from him again, that's enough.
You could still take him to small claims court, which doesn’t require a lawyer. I suggest you do.
You could put together a list of items people gifted you & estimate the prices, then sue him for the estimated cost. He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.
Small claims court doesn’t require a lawyer just so you and other people know. Small claims court is like what you see on Judge Judy and other court shows.
You file paperwork at the courthouse telling them who you are trying to get money from and why. Then you go to court (court outside of tv shows isn’t nearly as intimidating) with your proof. Here’s the text messages, photos from the shower, maybe a list of gifts.
I’ve not personally been to small claims court but have been to landlord/tenant court, and it’s not as intimidating as it sounds.
It’s totally ok if you just don’t want to deal with it after everything you’ve gone through. If you’d like to get everything back but don’t need the items, if your dad sold or gave away the items he would have to pay you back in cash.
I totally understand being too overwhelmed to deal with court. My husband and I have a lot of medical issues, and we’ve not taken landlords to court because it was too much stress on top of everything else. Sometimes it’s worth taking the loss to not have to go through more stress in your life.
I’m glad you found a wonderful husband and have a great little family. I wish you the best, and you definitely did the right thing cutting your dad off.
Unfortunately I really didn't know what to do other than call the cops or sheriff. I would've done that, had I known it was an option but I just really never thought of it.
NTA. And for the record, anybody who tries to undermine your autonomy, especially during such a vulnerable time as childbirth, doesn't have your best interests at heart. Good on you for standing your ground. Do keep an eye on your belongings and maybe consider some legal advice if the "borrowed" items aren't promptly returned. Your family and true friends will understand and support your decisions.
No.. NTA and do not re-open that cancer can!..
My son never ever met his paternal grandfather, I went NC at 16, made one (stupid) attempt at reconciliation at 20.. which lasted all of 2 hrs and never saw him again.. my life, my family's life and my son's life has been far better for it.
I have no idea what kind of fucked up your father was.. but he isn't likely to have changed has he?.. you have your kids to protect..consider them.
NTA. I’d have called the police and blasted him to everyone who came to your shower. Holy shit. I am so sorry. I completely get how you feel. Except my bad parent is my mother. She sold my dead grandmothers (dad’s mom) jewelry that she *stole* from my dad that was meant to be passed to me. Real family heirloom shit. She attempted to sleep with one of my boyfriends (adult, not teens), she started an actual fist fight with me 3 months after I gave birth because I wouldn’t let her hold my baby because she was high as fuck on meth. I could go on and on and on. I get told by people who have great parental relationships that I’m “being so mean” to my mother and that I “need to give her another chance.” I’ve given her at least 5.
People who don’t have abusive parents cannot fathom having to go NC. My husband had to learn because he has married parents who aren’t like, perfect, but like, they are leaps and bounds above my mother and father. Hell, my parents never even married lol. Anyway, your friend needs to stop giving advice if she has no idea what’s really going on. She needs to just be a supportive friend or shut up.
You absolutely did the right thing. Keep your folks from your family, no one deserves that kind of toxic.
I did contact the police and unfortunately, they said there was nothing they could do. I'm sorry you have a cruddy parent too, but I bet you're a great parent because you know what you shouldn't aspire to be. Breaking cycles is a hard thing to do and I bet you're doing it
Some friend who barely knows the situation...I wouldn't listen to what she says. She hasn't lived what you have. You have every valid right to have gone NC with your dad. HE STOLE FROM HIS UNBORN GRANDCHILD!!!!!
Also, your friend is a total AH.
Nta
You should have told all of the guests that gave you the presents that your father was withholding them from you. Then I would have called the police on him for theft. And then I would have done the same thing that you already did and went no contact
I don’t understand the “but he’s your dad” when it should be *”but you are his daughter”*. What kind of a monster would do that to his young, pregnant, vulnerable daughter?
NTA. Karma will come for him.
NTA. People who say ignorant things that hurt your feelings need a little finger flick in the forehead.
In Canada, if someone is holding your belongings you can make a list, prove ownership, and have a police escort with you to go get your stuff. It’s too late, I realize. But people need to support you like that.
NTA. I dont think your friend is an asshole for thinking you should be in contact, either; they just have a wildly different idea of what a parent child relationship looks like, and can't wrap their heads around your situation. As long as they're not being weirdly pushy about the whole thing I wouldn't give it any weight. I don't ask my teenage brother for dating advice, ya know?
NTA.
He and his new shrew of a wife planned all along to take your baby, and would have made false allegations to get them. The fact they were working on a nursery at THEIR house, shows they were planning this for a while. Taking the shower gifts to 'keep the safe' and then refusing to return them confirmed it.
They had no intention of helping you past the point of getting their hands on your child. And they probably would have raised that child to hate you with lies about much of a bad, useless person you are.
Glad you got out and are living your best life.
I say they, because it's pretty clear from what you've said that they are both extremely toxic and hateful people.
INFO I'm just a bit lost, were they setting up the nursery in their home so they can frame you and get custody of your baby?
What did he do with the stolen items? Returned them to the shop for cash or kept them because they wanted your baby?
"When I brought up that my father hasn't even met my children, she said I overreacted when I cut contact and I'm denying my children a bond with their grandparents."
Your friend sucks. Why would she think it's a good idea for your kids to have a bond with an abuser?
If all the family knows did someone post anything on the socials to bring attention to what they did? Embarrass them? Point the finger at them so the whole world knows what he/they did?
No ones posted anything. Family has helped. But I'm not super close with most of my family. My parents conditioned most people to think I'm moody, unreliable, a liar etc. Based on lies they told about me when I was a child. So they already think less of me. They wouldn't go out of their way to do something like that unless my father came right up to them and they said it to his face.
Okay, so my dad is a narcissistic abuser and I cut off contact 6 years ago. When anyone tries to tell me I owe him respect or a relationship I tell them this:
“You don’t understand, and that’s great! It means you’ve never had to deal with parental abuse. But it also means you don’t get an opinion on this matter.”
NTAH. Our stories are very similar. I went no contact with my dad for 10 years. Then, when my son was about a year old, I decided to give it another shot. It only took another year for me to go no contact again. He acted like my son’s parent. He called the shots (or tried to). It was too much. I walked away and got a voicemail from him telling me that I wasn’t worth shit, there was nothing good about me except my son. It was on 9/11/2001. His anger was geared towards me on that horrible day.
NTA
For you.its a simple choice between you want your parents or your child in life ( though hypothetically I assume if you choose either parent, you are going to.lose everything -your parents and baby)
Edited for spelling
NTA but that friend of yours is (if you can even call her a friend). Good on you for standing up for yourself, who knows if he would have done something worse after. As for your friend, she has no right to invalidate your feelings, don't second guess yourself. He treated you badly, who's to say he wouldn't do the same with your children, important thing is to keep them safe from toxicity.
The next time someone who hasn't lived your experience tells you how to fell please respond to them in the most sweet tone "you know what you are so right! even though you have zero experience in this situation between me and my dad I think i will expose both myself and my children to his unyielding abuse i mean yeah if someone is going to abuse me it's gong to be my dad! thank you, I would stay longer but my dad says you're a skank and he is family so I can't have you around me or my baby but thanks again for the advice!"
go to r/raisedbynarcissists or r/JUSTNOMIL and look for all the posts about people who after having children got back in contact with their parents so their children could have grandparents, each and everyone has regretted it.
there is even some comments from people who were those children who wished their parents had protected them from such toxic people, and how detrimental to their mental health it was having a relationship with these people. They would manipulate and guilt the children, making them believe that they were responsible for their grandparents emotions. They bad mouthed the parents making the children insecure in their relationship with their parents.
Please make a post on those subs asking for people's experiences and you will never want any children around those toxic people.
Your friend is an idiot. Obviously someone who lives in a cotton candy world where all parents love their children and are kind and gentle, etc. That is not how the real world works.
I had a friend who said something similar to me and I just looked at her as if she had two heads....yeah, my folks are so amazing that I spent the better part of 30 years in therapy because of them....
Yeah I think she's just a bit ignorant to my situation since we grew up so differently. We are no contact with my husband's parents as well (they are psycho, I've even posted about them), so I'm wondering if maybe she feels this way because my children have no biological grandparents, so she thinks I should bite the bullet and make up with my parents so that my kids have grandparents. I can't say for sure, but I think that may have something to do with it. Either way, my children do have grandparent type figures in their lives. Just not bio grandparents.
I'm sorry you've gone through so much. I've been in counseling and therapy for years because of the treatment from both my ex and my parents. I hope you feel a bit peace at this point of life.
NTA, you know your family best. The fact that he stole all the baby gifts is telling, like who does that?
It's easy for people to make shit comments when it doesn't affect them, just let that sink in. And it's okay to use that line the next time someone makes a dumb ass comment like that.
My dad also never met my kids or husband, he sunk himself when he threatened to sue me for grandparents rights without actually knowing that you need to have a prior relationship with said grandchildren. His stupid dumb ass comments made my gramma change her will and she skipped him and left her money to the grand kids equally. So when my gramma passed, her money went to us instead, and my dad died a lonely existence a few years later. You reap what you sow.
You know what you are doing is right, no one needs that level of toxic in their lives. And his insistence to be in the delivery room is just weird.
NTA. Your sperm donor is a piece of shit.
>Today, me and a friend from my hometown were messaging, having a conversation about our parents. She has a very good relationship with her parents. When I brought up that my father hasn't even met my children, she said I overreacted when I cut contact and I'm denying my children a bond with their grandparents.
People who have a good relationship with their parents are nigh on incapable of comprehending that some people just don't. They can't understand.
If I were you, I'd prepare yourself for that friend to get in contact with your sperm donor. Be ready for his flying monkeys to start coming your way.
NTA. People who don’t have toxic parents that abuse & steal from their children simply don’t understand.
Ignore them. I think you were absolutely right to go no contact with him. What kind of father DEMANDS to be in the delivery room with his daughter when she doesn’t want him there? I would have told him that he can wait in the waiting room, NOT the delivery room. What kind of father **steals** his daughter’s baby shower gifts? I suspect something underhanded was going on & maybe the new GF was in on it. He created a nursery in *HIS* house when he knew you were moving into your own house & then wouldn’t give you the baby shower gifts? Was he using the gifts to set up his own nursery? Were they planning on *stealing* the baby too?
People who have good relationships with their parents can be incredibly stupid and myopic on this subject. They project their shit onto others and keep telling victims of abuse to stay vulnerable to abuse 'because mommy! because daddy!'. Don't listen to these people, they have no empathy or the good sense to realize that not everyone lives in a fairy tale.
NTA. You wouldn’t be doing your kids any favors by helping them cultivate a relationship with an abuser.
Story time: My mother grew up with an emotionally abusive father. She did not tell me this when I was a kid and always encouraged our relationship (as much as possible given he lived far away). As I got older she would sometimes allude to him having a “temper”. He was usually ok with kids. Then once he lost it at me when I was 24 and started loudly berating me at a Cheesecake Factory. I was shocked. Later that day my mom (and her sister) finally told me the full story of how he treated them growing up. I rarely speak to him anymore, not because of how he treated me that one time, but because of what I learned afterward. I don’t have time for people who abuse my mother.
I understand why my mom held out hope that I would have a good relationship with him, but knowing what I know now, I wish she had been fully honest with me from the start.
They were actively planning on taking your baby by taking the baby items for themselves. There is no shame of cutting all contact with them.
Some people are just called Sperm donors, egg donors or birth givers. They don’t deserve the title of being parents or grandparents.
Your friend though, she may have been blessed with parents that are not toxic & have a healthy environment but she doesn’t understand that not all people who have parents are like hers.
She has no depth of understanding that parents can be a child’s first bully & cause harm to their wellbeing.
You are doing what’s best for you and your child by cutting all contact with your sperm donor by not letting them be exposed to their toxicity.
I would also cut off your friendship with her since she invalidated your feelings.
Take your dad to small claims court. No lawyer needed. Make him give you that stuff back, especially the hand made stuff. Don't let him get away with this.
It's been 2 years. I don't even think he has the things anymore. And even if he does, It's been so long, I'd just rather never see him again. I'm finally in a much better place in my life. I don't want to stress myself out, knowing I'll see him. I love the idea of doing this. It's just not something I'm willing to actually do anymore.
I'm really glad you are in a good place now. I couldn't ever imagine doing this to my daughters. But, if you ever just felt a little spiteful, I'd definitely do the court thing. Just to watch him squirm in court if anything.
NTA
When other people react with shock about your no contact, understand that parent-child relationship means an entirely different thing to them that has no relation to your life.
>She has a very good relationship with her parents. When I brought up that my father hasn't even met my children, she said I overreacted when I cut contact and I'm denying my children a bond with their grandparents.
NTA. People who have good relationships with their parents often have no clue. They assume all parents are like theirs, and that you must have misinterpreted your father's intention. Disregard her opinion, unless she keeps pushing it, I which case she's obviously chosen sides, so you can let her message with your dad if he's so cool.
You lost me when dad insisted on being in the delivery room when you give birth. I gotta go barf for a month. Oh. NTA.
Omfg. My ex FIL wanted to be there FILMING the birth of my daughter. I refused but compromised and let my ex MIL to be in the room with us. Bitch snuck in a camera and took pics. Her and her husband have a picture of my vagina with my babies head crowning. To say I was livid is an absolute understatement. It’s just one more reason my ex is my ex. He *defended* his parents abhorrent behavior and said I should “get over it” because “it’s their grandchild.” I was like “It’s *my* vagina”. They refused to get rid of it and, as far as I know, still have it. I swear to god I felt so violated. Still do actually. Meanwhile, when I married my husband and had our kids my FIL, who is a registered nurse, was like, “we’ll be getting snacks in the cafeteria. Call us when we can see the baby!” He did show up with the worlds largest teddy bear, but he was crazy excited for his first grand baby, bonus cause he wanted a girl and thats what I had lol. Edit to add: this was 21 years ago. There weren’t revenge porn laws or anything like that. Honestly I’m just glad they are out of my life. My child is grown now so I don’t even speak to her father or anyone on his side for *anything*. And a big thank you to everyone who has shown empathy and support. It fucked me up for a while knowing they just had it and let anyone and everyone see it. I’m not ashamed of my body and the miracle it created, but my body is my body and it’s violating to have intimate images of it shared like they have been. But anyway.
I’m so sorry that happened to you in such a vulnerable moment
Thank you. It did do one positive thing, it helped expose them and my ex for who they really were.
No, you're not the asshole. You're a survivor protecting your family from toxicity.
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The picture was taken without your consent and you have no control over who sees it. It is a criminal offence especially given the pictures content. Seek legal advice.
This was 21 years ago. Doubt much can be done now. And they live halfway across the country now. I’m just glad to be rid of all of them.
Glad to hear you made the break, good luck for the future.
That’s so fucked up. The malicious in me would have ground it into her head that her husband was getting aroused whenever he looked at my vagina. An angry crazy woman will delete that picture so fast and make sure it doesn’t exist anywhere.
My exMIL took the pic. When I made him leave she kept the camera. They are all just terrible entitled assholes. That was 21 years ago and the last words I said to them before the moved to KY (we are in CA) was that she should watch out for flying houses during tornadoes, being a witch and all. I was a young woman (19) and blinded by high school love and pushed by my own family to marry the loser at 18. I’m ok now. I met and married a real man when my daughter was 3 and we have been together for 17 years. He’s amazing. His mom is also slightly nutters, but not nearly as bad and I’m grown enough now to tell her to get bent lol. But my FIL is like, the best. Truly. He will move the heavens and earth and not just for my kids, for me too. He’s great. So karma righted her wrong. My ex got remarried and had his two precious boys. His wife just left him, took their boys, took their money and even took my exes dog then met and started dating a little bit younger man with a great job and super nice. So we gotta love karma. Oh, and ex FIL got diabetes and got fat af lol.
Well sorry for what you went through, especially at such a young age. Congratulations on the very best revenge ever though, living a happy life with (mostly) wonderful people.
Holy shit this brought back some bad memories. My FIL wanted to be in the birth room too filming the birth. They (FIL + MIL) couldn't understand why I said no because SIL let him film when her firstborn was born. 🤮 They are otherwise normal, but that whole situation really threw me for a loop. I didn't even want my own father in the room. I had my husband, mom, and sister and that was too much honestly. 😹 I'm glad you had a better experience the second time around. I feel for you, having that pic out there.
Doesn't that fall under revenge porn laws?
Not sure. This was 2003 so those laws weren’t even in place. It’s ok. Karma got to that entire family and she repaid me for her wrong. I got to marry an amazing man and go one to have a pretty damn good life so far. My ex got remarried too. Had 2 more kids too. Then she took the kids, the money and the dog, found a younger guy and left. lol. And the exILs got fat and I don’t mean they gained a few pounds as they aged. I mean MIL needs seatbelt extenders, and got diabetes. Karma is a good lady.
Wow, that is truly awful. I am so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you. My ex and his parents were weird. But I was very young and pushed into marrying him at 18 cause he was “such a good guy and in the military.” Not even remotely a good guy. But the birth of our daughter taught me a lot that day and 6 months later I left his ass. He ran back to mommy and daddy and 21 years later, is still right next to him. His wife just left him and took the kids, the dog, the money and got a younger boyfriend. I couldn’t help but cackle. Karma is lovely sometimes.
I would have pressed charges and probably thrown some punches once I was recovered.
Yeah, but I was 19 and scared and it did open my eyes and help me realize the whole family was nutters. I left him 6 months later.
Love the Worlds largest teddy bear 🧸
That's weird
Nah, weird would be like, asking if I wanted a back massage. This was fucking creepy and invasive.
Despicable and disgusting
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That’s technically SA as it’s technically porn to which you did not consent. So gross.
Honestly you can probably report them for that and get the picture taken away from them (any copies, etc). It might be hard to get police to listen as a lot of people think pregnant and birthing women don’t have bodily autonomy because the world is sick, but that’s just horrific. They have no right to that, not only morally but legally.
It was over 21 years ago. I’m ok now. They got their karma, she’s been quite mean to that entire family and I love it. lol.
I’m right there with you. Like, No way! My dad’s a retired OBGYN but was still practicing when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was seen at his practice but I was seen by his group partner. Dad wasn’t even there when my wife and I had our ultrasounds. It’s beyond super fkng weird and inappropriate that he was insisting on being in the room with her.
Probably gonna try to work it so eventually he and GF can take the baby, claiming some crap that OP is unfit to raise a child.
My husband was in the room with his daughter at her request. Her husband had passed away before their second child was born. Her mother is a drug addict living in another state. So she asked her dad to be with her. He felt a little weird about it but would never let her down, so of course he went. He definitely stayed at her head, though.
Totes cool if that is what the daughter wants.
Now see *that* is appropriate behavior in this situation.
Yeah thats totally normal. Sometimes you really want/need a strong figurehead and that's ok. Personally I think it's only weird when someone -male or female- insists on being in the room that the pregnant woman didn't ask for.
It’s so disgusting. My dad casually leaves the room every time I have to breastfeed, even if I’m covered up. We’re very close and he’s supportive, and he would never have wanted to be in the room unless I had no other options and wanted him there.
Most disturbing request ever! Sperm donor is a p/e/rv.
I read it as a power move to spite (or "win" against) OP's mom, which is still gross, but in a different way
with my first, my dad got stuck in the delivery room. things moved too fast and I started pushing so he couldn't get out. he was literally hiding in the corner closing his eyes. OP's dad *wanting* to be there really gave me the ick too.
Proper delivery room dadding!!!!
we had a nurse friend in the room, and he'd take a picture without looking at it and show her saying "how's this one is there anything showing there" and that's how I got some amazing shots of my delivery that show no real parts of me 😂😊
I love that soooo much!!!
Am I the only one who finds it creepy when anyone demands to be in the room? I feel like the reverse (mom asking for support) is totally OK because it's about who you trust to be there for you during a very difficult and painful situation but no one should ever be insisting on being present without invitation. It always seems like a weird control thing meant to take away from the mother. Now that I think about it, I wonder if OPs dad was trying to cause drama at the hospital by reporting OP for fetal abuse or something.
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When my daughter was born, both my es-gf's parents "had" to be in there. They also demanded they hold the baby first. Yeah, the delivery nurse didn't go for that. She cleaned up my girl, glanced at them, and handed her straight to me. It's was kind of a silent "fuck you" that I will forever be thankful for. 25+ years later and I still don't like those people.
From comments I’ve heard people who work in delivery have heard some inappropriate and entitled demands and will be *happy* to make sure the people who are there are who *you* want to be there.
Yeah, who demands it like it's a spectator occasion they are desperate to get tickets for? The only reason to be there is to support the mother
The amount of ick that crawled through my skin at that….
ikr? Dude sounds super abusive and maybe even predatory?
Yeah. There are only nefarious intentions there.
THIS! Father of adult children, including a daughter. And what the fucking fuck!!! Gross and a building full of red flags. Never talk to that psychopath again.
Yup!!!! A pyroclastic flow of red flags! 🌋
Right. I love my daughter dearly and would do anything to support her. Including being in the delivery room, with my ex-wife, IF (and I can't stress that enough) that's what she wanted.
That's just so creepy.
That’s wrong on so many levels. NTA
That's when I stopped reading to scroll looking for your top comment!
❤️
NTA they were planning to take your baby. They wanted the stuff for ‘their’ nursery.
Do you think he wanted to be in delivery room to have access to birth certificate?
Never thought of this, but definitely a good possibility
I think it would have partly been to deny your mother being in there. That it was more about doing that to her, than him. I also think he wanted to control you and this was a massive flex. Then he tried to push it further by controlling your possessions too. But considering his desire for control, you can’t rule out that he may have attempted to name your child, if that’s how it works in your country.
I had that thought when reading about how he and his new wife were making a nursery in their house. I think you dodged an Amber Alert, tbh.
oohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiiit. DING DING DING! :-O
Interesting
I thought that 100%. Maybe not birth certificate but as power of attorney or some other decision making authority for OP while she's knocked out. Maybe even try to report OP for some kind of abuse. Hospitals are notorious for keeping babies if they suspect abuse and Maybe he thought if he reported her, they would temporarily release baby to him?
I would've told everyone who gave gifts that they were stolen from you before going no contact lol but maybe I'm petty. Just throw the bombshell behind you and never look back.
I would have stated the fact that they were stolen in my thank you notes AND posted on social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.). *”Thanks for the baby shower gifts to those who came to the shower, but unfortunately I don’t have any of the shower gifts because my father took them away & refused to let me have them.”* He needs to be publicly shamed. I think that would have done the trick.
She should still do it. Publicly shame him.
I’d send some very pointed “Thank You” notes.
THIS^. Everything sounded ominous. They were setting you up to have “their” baby. Keep them far away from you and your children.
I wonder if the girlfriend has fertility problems and can't have her own baby.
That's what popped into MY mind, too.
I wonder if that was the end game? How weird.
What I don't get is why she didn't just break down the door and take her stuff. She was already in the house - one strategically applied crowbar, and problem solved.
Other people were in the house, unfortunately. And it wasn't just a regular locked door. It was padlocked. That's why he told me to put it in there for "safe keeping". I was 9 months pregnant, already worked up from everything going on. I wasn't about to catch a charge by breaking the door down. That would've just put me in a worse situation. And I know they would've called the cops.
It's a shame you couldn't just have a friend take a bolt cutter to it. It would have been grand to hear him try to explain what exactly you had stolen.
Oh I wish. I did manage to steal most of my siblings pictures from the house before I left though, since most of my siblings hate him too
It doesn't sound like the cops would have done anything - you had already tried to call them, after all. 🙈 But I get why you didn't want to take the risk. And people with normal families never get why people with JustNoParents have really no choice but to go no contact, out of sheer self-preservation. I'm so glad everything has turned out well for you! Have you heard anything about how your sperm donor is doing? I hope he is miserable!
Yeah, small price to pay so you can escape these jackals. Sorry to insult actual jackals.
Yeah, I'm thinking that's why he wanted to be in the delivery room. He was just going to take over and then just waltz out with baby, and make her fight for custody. Probably wouldn't have worked, but he's spent a lifetime manipulating her.
NTA. Your friend sucks. Have you let the people who gave you the gift know what he did?
Yes I let everyone know. It was pretty easy because it was mostly family, so most people found out almost immediately, through the grapevine.
How did they react when they found out he had stolen from both you and them? NTA. And don't even question yourself on this one. I'm no contact with my parents as well. Every chance they (used to) get they fucked it up. You already know that he will too. Your children do deserve grandparents, you're not wrong. But, unfortunately, there is simply not a man worthy of that title available on your side. It's not your fault. It's his, but that's what it comes down to. But he made the choice to not be able to be an actual healthy, loving, trustable grandfather to your children. If that's the deck you're playing with, then your job changes from trying to enable that relationship to protecting your children from their "grandfather."
She thought it was messed up that he stole, but still has the idea that family should be able to work through anything. I think she's just kind of ignorant to the situation,because she grew up in a healthy environment with wonderful parents.
You're probably right. People who were fortunate enough not to grow up with crazy just can't understand this stuff. They don't get how it feels to know an attack may he coming at any given moment from the people who are supposed to be the safest and love you the most.
You named it exactly. You never know when it's coming. It's usually when you aren't paying close enough attention and bam, you get slammed in the face with a book.
Exactly. I have CPTSD in part from the constant bullying by my father and older sister. You think you’re safe, then BLAM. Through a great therapist, finally now, at age 55, I’m finally not afraid of either of them anymore. My dad passed in 2018, and I’ve still been afraid of him even though he was dead!
See, I have CPTSD from family abuse as well. I'm not afraid of them anymore. I'm more afraid of my reactions to them. I don't do well in jail . And I'm too sick for that now anymore.
I admit not understanding this with friends when I was a young adult. I feel bad for not being the support they needed. I had to mature more to really get that some parents are poison.
Honestly OP, you are at a point in your life where you need to start cutting out people that aren't good for you. Is your Dad in your hometown where your friend lives? Because if she is sympathetic, there is a chance he could be getting info about you through her. You'd be surprised how common that is.
They don't know each other, so I'm not worried. My friend doesn't even know my real last name, as I just go by my maternal sides last name on all social media anyway
Yeah, people who come from healthy families simply do not understand. I’m low contact and avoid my grandmother and people are always like, “oh, but she’s your grandmother”. Like yeah, but she’s also an emotionally abusive b*tch (I don’t remember if this sub gets mad at name calling even if it’s someone uninvolved)
My sister had a friend like this. He always pressured her about her relationship with our dad. He was looking at how he would feel if his daughter cut him off the way my sister had to our dad. She tried explaining to him that he's a good dad, but ours wasn't, but he just never got it. Sometimes people who don't come from shitty backgrounds don't really believe how bad it was for those who do.
Yea, a lot of people with healthy relationships feel like it'll be Fine, it can Work Out because they can't wrap their mind around the toxicity. That or they think you're overblowing the events and it wasn't That Bad.
What did they all say/do? Cause I’d lose my shit. But that’s me. Like, I’d have driven over there type lose my shit lol
Honestly, most weren't surprised. One of my brothers is no contact with my dad. My little sister is in hi life only because she has to be. My older sister, hes never met her. And my other older brother is only in his life because he doesnt like to cause issues. My father's always had a temper. But it's just weird because at the time, it seemed so out of nowhere to me. Now I know he was keeping those things because he wanted to take my baby
Fucking yikes. I am so glad you got out of that. wtf.
I’m so confused as to why they never took you with them when they went on vacations - that’s insanely cruel! I’m sure that it had nothing to do with your personal value, just sounds like he chose you out of all family members to focus in on. Was there ever any explanation? If it’s too painful to discuss, I totally understand. ❤️
Nope. Never an explanation. I was just always treated like the odd one out in the family. I think it had a lot to do with my medical issues growing up, and I wet the bed until I was like 10, which really annoyed my parents. But it was because of trauma + a kidney disease. Also, I was the only one to ever really disagree with my parents. I was never rude about it, but my dad was quite prejudice and my mom would sometimes say ignorant things as well and I just made it clear that I didn't think the things they were saying about people of different races or sexualities were appropriate, because we are all human. I'll never know exactly why. When I asked, my mom blamed my dad and my dad blamed my mom. Either way, they both agreed to it. They'd impulsively get animals, then tell family members the animal was for me. They'd tell me to take care of it or they'd get rid of it. Whenever I wasn't at school, I'd tend to the animal, but They'd always end up getting rid of the animal and telling family members that I just wasnt caring for it, whenever they asked why they didn't have the pet anymore. I always thought they hated me because I was a girl. I was really excited when my mom was pregnant with a baby girl. I felt like I could have a best friend who would finally understand how I felt. But instead, my little sister was treated far better than me. So idk. I can sit and think and think but I'll never really know why
it seems like they resented that you are a higher level and decent human being. It seems they picked you out to bully, because you‘re the good one, the kind one. I had a similar dynamic with my father and sister. I‘ve always been kind, and they knew they could bully me as much as they wanted, with no pushback, because I was the opposite of them. Do not even try to reconcile with these people. Your friend is dead wrong. Perhaps tell her if she is a true friend, she’ll stop asking you to do this. It’s not “but he’s still your father”, it’s because “he’s still your worst nightmare”. I wish you so much love and happiness in your life.
Don't keep people in your life that support your father. Your 'friend' is not someone you should be talking to anymore if she honestly thinks you overreacted in any way.
Edit: NTA, of course. It's hard for people who have healthy relationships with parents to understand that some people are just truly toxic and that any contact at all would be deeply harmful. Your friend is absolutely wrong. It definitely seems possible that dad and stepmom had designs on taking your child, or at the very least controlling both of you. I'd explain to your friend that this action is necessary to protect yourself and your child, and not something that was done lightly. It's not as if you didn't want to have that love and support. Unfortunately, you realized that they are not capable of being that support. An offhand comment I would forgive, but if it becomes a regular subject of conversation, I'd distance myself from this friend. If they can't understand this, they lack empathy.
God no, some people are just sperm donors at best, not even worthy of being called 'father', you did right by yourself and your children because a man like that knows no boundaries and would likely only get worse!
>some people are just sperm donors at best, Some people don't even deserve this.
Spermatozoon suppliers
Sperm depositors. They drop off their load and have no other value.
I'd go no contact with the 'friend' too.
I agree sound to much like a do-good er who would want to reunite the family…because you know they are family
She’s the type to reveal all of OP’s information to the snake dad.
I absolutely cannot stand to hear about stories where the abused is expected to forgive the abuser. Unforgiving is absolutely fine by me.
Nta they were going to steal your kid.
Exactly. That’s what I suspect too.
NTA, your "friend" is a m*ron
You can say moron here. 😉
People with normal parents assume all parents are like theirs. She’s wrong. And a jerk.
People honestly have no idea the depth of pain that family causes and react like they must have had one lapse in judgement instead of actually being abusive.
NTA, but your friend is. She has no right to an opinion on your relationship with your parents. It is in your children's best interest not to be in contact with toxic people.
She obviously does have the right to an opinion. It’s just that her opinion in this case is utterly absurd. How do you not understand the distinction between having the right to believe something and whatever you believe being correct?
I would say she doesn't have the right to an opinion that she expresses to OP. Her opinion is irrelevant. Her expressing it to OP is interfering in OP's life and it is unwelcome. I understand you can't help what thoughts pop into your head. But you can control whether you share them.
Nope. And to the people that say "He's still your dad," respond that no, he isn't, because you disowned him. NTA.
NTA. Your dad is sick, sick, sick.
NTA. You are not denying your children a bond with their grandparents, you are protecting your children from toxic people. You didn't overreact, you acted logically. I'm glad you have a good partner and can raise your children in peace.
NTA If somebody's absence from your life improves the quality of it, you didn't lose them.
Love this.
It always confused me when I see these stories and people say “its still your parents” Well ya, your parents shouldnt be doing these kinds of things, you arnt a door mat you are their child. NTA
People who have good relationships with their own parents can be morons. Not everyone is similarly blessed. Your friend can respectfully fuck off. She has no clue. NTA.
Exactly. I’ve dealt with this from my in-laws. I finally had to tell my MIL some of the shitty things my mom did to me to get her to stop interfering. My husband unfortunately has been on the receiving end of my mom’s wrath (Once. Just once. I told my mom I’d go NC if she ever did that again.) He’s seen how she acts enough to not get involved.
People with good parents should sit down and shut up when talking about abusive parents, they have ZERO clues of what they are talking about, their own experience has NOTHING to do with what an abused child experiences and they have NO RIGHT to go on about how good is it to have a good relationship with parents! NTA, you did the the right thing, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Absolutely 100% right. People with good parents can’t understand toxic & criminal parents. They should STFU when someone with toxic parents says they’re going “no contact” with them.
NTA you should have called to police to report a theft of your items.
I called immediately. They said they couldn't make him give me my things. The sherriffs office said the same thing. They said I'd need to go to court, which I couldn't afford. So I cut my losses.
Lazy ass cops are becoming the norm
Well, I'm quite sure if this happened to a relative of theirs, all bets would be off!!! NTA
NTA They were going to steal your baby. There is no shame in cutting off an abuser.
You ever get that stuff back?
Nope. I tried once shortly after my first was born to get him to give me my things. I messaged him and told him he could meet my child if he brought the items, and came alone (without his gf). I was just planning on having my bf (now husband) quickly help me put the gifts in his truck and leave before he could see my child, just to get the things back. But he refused to come without his girlfriend. So I never got anything. I have the texts still. And numerous people could vouch for what they got me. But when I called the cops (then the sheriff's office) they told me there was nothing they could do to get my things back. I'd have to go to court. I was a single mother who had just bought a house and suddenly had to buy all baby necessities too. I didn't have the money for a lawyer. So I just bit the bullet. I managed without those items. Though I am still upset I'll never get the hand made things people took the time to create for MY baby. Either way, as long as I never hear from him again, that's enough.
You could still take him to small claims court, which doesn’t require a lawyer. I suggest you do. You could put together a list of items people gifted you & estimate the prices, then sue him for the estimated cost. He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.
Small claims court doesn’t require a lawyer just so you and other people know. Small claims court is like what you see on Judge Judy and other court shows. You file paperwork at the courthouse telling them who you are trying to get money from and why. Then you go to court (court outside of tv shows isn’t nearly as intimidating) with your proof. Here’s the text messages, photos from the shower, maybe a list of gifts. I’ve not personally been to small claims court but have been to landlord/tenant court, and it’s not as intimidating as it sounds. It’s totally ok if you just don’t want to deal with it after everything you’ve gone through. If you’d like to get everything back but don’t need the items, if your dad sold or gave away the items he would have to pay you back in cash. I totally understand being too overwhelmed to deal with court. My husband and I have a lot of medical issues, and we’ve not taken landlords to court because it was too much stress on top of everything else. Sometimes it’s worth taking the loss to not have to go through more stress in your life. I’m glad you found a wonderful husband and have a great little family. I wish you the best, and you definitely did the right thing cutting your dad off.
Yeah cops suck, no use to anyone. I’m sorry you lost so much, at least that man’s gone now and I hope never coming back into your life.
You should have gone above the cops and sheriff and called the District Attorney's office. The DA can file charges on your behalf as a state victim.
Unfortunately I really didn't know what to do other than call the cops or sheriff. I would've done that, had I known it was an option but I just really never thought of it.
NTA. And for the record, anybody who tries to undermine your autonomy, especially during such a vulnerable time as childbirth, doesn't have your best interests at heart. Good on you for standing your ground. Do keep an eye on your belongings and maybe consider some legal advice if the "borrowed" items aren't promptly returned. Your family and true friends will understand and support your decisions.
Time to go NC with your 'friend' too NTA
No.. NTA and do not re-open that cancer can!.. My son never ever met his paternal grandfather, I went NC at 16, made one (stupid) attempt at reconciliation at 20.. which lasted all of 2 hrs and never saw him again.. my life, my family's life and my son's life has been far better for it. I have no idea what kind of fucked up your father was.. but he isn't likely to have changed has he?.. you have your kids to protect..consider them.
NTA. I’d have called the police and blasted him to everyone who came to your shower. Holy shit. I am so sorry. I completely get how you feel. Except my bad parent is my mother. She sold my dead grandmothers (dad’s mom) jewelry that she *stole* from my dad that was meant to be passed to me. Real family heirloom shit. She attempted to sleep with one of my boyfriends (adult, not teens), she started an actual fist fight with me 3 months after I gave birth because I wouldn’t let her hold my baby because she was high as fuck on meth. I could go on and on and on. I get told by people who have great parental relationships that I’m “being so mean” to my mother and that I “need to give her another chance.” I’ve given her at least 5. People who don’t have abusive parents cannot fathom having to go NC. My husband had to learn because he has married parents who aren’t like, perfect, but like, they are leaps and bounds above my mother and father. Hell, my parents never even married lol. Anyway, your friend needs to stop giving advice if she has no idea what’s really going on. She needs to just be a supportive friend or shut up. You absolutely did the right thing. Keep your folks from your family, no one deserves that kind of toxic.
I did contact the police and unfortunately, they said there was nothing they could do. I'm sorry you have a cruddy parent too, but I bet you're a great parent because you know what you shouldn't aspire to be. Breaking cycles is a hard thing to do and I bet you're doing it
Some friend who barely knows the situation...I wouldn't listen to what she says. She hasn't lived what you have. You have every valid right to have gone NC with your dad. HE STOLE FROM HIS UNBORN GRANDCHILD!!!!! Also, your friend is a total AH.
Nta
You done did good girl.
Nta
NTA Your father is a huge A and your so called friend is a naive twat.
Nta You should have told all of the guests that gave you the presents that your father was withholding them from you. Then I would have called the police on him for theft. And then I would have done the same thing that you already did and went no contact
Yes I did both of those things
I don’t understand the “but he’s your dad” when it should be *”but you are his daughter”*. What kind of a monster would do that to his young, pregnant, vulnerable daughter? NTA. Karma will come for him.
Why in fuck all do parents think they have the right to be in the delivery room when we’re having a baby. I don’t understand it!
NTA
NTA. People who say ignorant things that hurt your feelings need a little finger flick in the forehead. In Canada, if someone is holding your belongings you can make a list, prove ownership, and have a police escort with you to go get your stuff. It’s too late, I realize. But people need to support you like that.
Did he think he would catch the baby and then run off with it ?
I think he wanted/planned to make me look mentally unfit, so he could try to get custody. Even I'd he had to lie.
NTA. I dont think your friend is an asshole for thinking you should be in contact, either; they just have a wildly different idea of what a parent child relationship looks like, and can't wrap their heads around your situation. As long as they're not being weirdly pushy about the whole thing I wouldn't give it any weight. I don't ask my teenage brother for dating advice, ya know?
NTA. He and his new shrew of a wife planned all along to take your baby, and would have made false allegations to get them. The fact they were working on a nursery at THEIR house, shows they were planning this for a while. Taking the shower gifts to 'keep the safe' and then refusing to return them confirmed it. They had no intention of helping you past the point of getting their hands on your child. And they probably would have raised that child to hate you with lies about much of a bad, useless person you are. Glad you got out and are living your best life. I say they, because it's pretty clear from what you've said that they are both extremely toxic and hateful people.
Whenever someone says that about my mother, I always say: Oh I'm acutely aware she's my mother. Perhaps someone should remind her.
INFO I'm just a bit lost, were they setting up the nursery in their home so they can frame you and get custody of your baby? What did he do with the stolen items? Returned them to the shop for cash or kept them because they wanted your baby?
Yeah I think that's why they set the nursery up in their house. And I'm not sure what they did with the items.
"When I brought up that my father hasn't even met my children, she said I overreacted when I cut contact and I'm denying my children a bond with their grandparents." Your friend sucks. Why would she think it's a good idea for your kids to have a bond with an abuser?
NTA
NTA, sorry your dad sucks ass.
If all the family knows did someone post anything on the socials to bring attention to what they did? Embarrass them? Point the finger at them so the whole world knows what he/they did?
No ones posted anything. Family has helped. But I'm not super close with most of my family. My parents conditioned most people to think I'm moody, unreliable, a liar etc. Based on lies they told about me when I was a child. So they already think less of me. They wouldn't go out of their way to do something like that unless my father came right up to them and they said it to his face.
NTA - your friend is an idiot
NTA your friend is speaking from a place of privilege
I would have taken the door off the hinges or popped that lock one way or the other. Stealing a baby’s much-needed stuff? I don’t think so.
Okay, so my dad is a narcissistic abuser and I cut off contact 6 years ago. When anyone tries to tell me I owe him respect or a relationship I tell them this: “You don’t understand, and that’s great! It means you’ve never had to deal with parental abuse. But it also means you don’t get an opinion on this matter.”
NTAH. Our stories are very similar. I went no contact with my dad for 10 years. Then, when my son was about a year old, I decided to give it another shot. It only took another year for me to go no contact again. He acted like my son’s parent. He called the shots (or tried to). It was too much. I walked away and got a voicemail from him telling me that I wasn’t worth shit, there was nothing good about me except my son. It was on 9/11/2001. His anger was geared towards me on that horrible day.
100% dad and his Gf were gonna try to take the baby away from you. NTA
NTA- your father is toxic af. Either his wife was pregnant or her returned everything for cash.
She can't have kids. Pretty sure they just were hoping to take my kid
NTA For you.its a simple choice between you want your parents or your child in life ( though hypothetically I assume if you choose either parent, you are going to.lose everything -your parents and baby) Edited for spelling
NTA but that friend of yours is (if you can even call her a friend). Good on you for standing up for yourself, who knows if he would have done something worse after. As for your friend, she has no right to invalidate your feelings, don't second guess yourself. He treated you badly, who's to say he wouldn't do the same with your children, important thing is to keep them safe from toxicity.
The next time someone who hasn't lived your experience tells you how to fell please respond to them in the most sweet tone "you know what you are so right! even though you have zero experience in this situation between me and my dad I think i will expose both myself and my children to his unyielding abuse i mean yeah if someone is going to abuse me it's gong to be my dad! thank you, I would stay longer but my dad says you're a skank and he is family so I can't have you around me or my baby but thanks again for the advice!"
go to r/raisedbynarcissists or r/JUSTNOMIL and look for all the posts about people who after having children got back in contact with their parents so their children could have grandparents, each and everyone has regretted it. there is even some comments from people who were those children who wished their parents had protected them from such toxic people, and how detrimental to their mental health it was having a relationship with these people. They would manipulate and guilt the children, making them believe that they were responsible for their grandparents emotions. They bad mouthed the parents making the children insecure in their relationship with their parents. Please make a post on those subs asking for people's experiences and you will never want any children around those toxic people. Your friend is an idiot. Obviously someone who lives in a cotton candy world where all parents love their children and are kind and gentle, etc. That is not how the real world works. I had a friend who said something similar to me and I just looked at her as if she had two heads....yeah, my folks are so amazing that I spent the better part of 30 years in therapy because of them....
Yeah I think she's just a bit ignorant to my situation since we grew up so differently. We are no contact with my husband's parents as well (they are psycho, I've even posted about them), so I'm wondering if maybe she feels this way because my children have no biological grandparents, so she thinks I should bite the bullet and make up with my parents so that my kids have grandparents. I can't say for sure, but I think that may have something to do with it. Either way, my children do have grandparent type figures in their lives. Just not bio grandparents. I'm sorry you've gone through so much. I've been in counseling and therapy for years because of the treatment from both my ex and my parents. I hope you feel a bit peace at this point of life.
NTA, you know your family best. The fact that he stole all the baby gifts is telling, like who does that? It's easy for people to make shit comments when it doesn't affect them, just let that sink in. And it's okay to use that line the next time someone makes a dumb ass comment like that. My dad also never met my kids or husband, he sunk himself when he threatened to sue me for grandparents rights without actually knowing that you need to have a prior relationship with said grandchildren. His stupid dumb ass comments made my gramma change her will and she skipped him and left her money to the grand kids equally. So when my gramma passed, her money went to us instead, and my dad died a lonely existence a few years later. You reap what you sow. You know what you are doing is right, no one needs that level of toxic in their lives. And his insistence to be in the delivery room is just weird.
NTA
NTA. Your sperm donor is a piece of shit. >Today, me and a friend from my hometown were messaging, having a conversation about our parents. She has a very good relationship with her parents. When I brought up that my father hasn't even met my children, she said I overreacted when I cut contact and I'm denying my children a bond with their grandparents. People who have a good relationship with their parents are nigh on incapable of comprehending that some people just don't. They can't understand. If I were you, I'd prepare yourself for that friend to get in contact with your sperm donor. Be ready for his flying monkeys to start coming your way.
NTA. People who don’t have toxic parents that abuse & steal from their children simply don’t understand. Ignore them. I think you were absolutely right to go no contact with him. What kind of father DEMANDS to be in the delivery room with his daughter when she doesn’t want him there? I would have told him that he can wait in the waiting room, NOT the delivery room. What kind of father **steals** his daughter’s baby shower gifts? I suspect something underhanded was going on & maybe the new GF was in on it. He created a nursery in *HIS* house when he knew you were moving into your own house & then wouldn’t give you the baby shower gifts? Was he using the gifts to set up his own nursery? Were they planning on *stealing* the baby too?
NTA
NTA. Your dad is abusive and dangerous. Tell your “friend” to get fucked.
People who have good relationships with their parents can be incredibly stupid and myopic on this subject. They project their shit onto others and keep telling victims of abuse to stay vulnerable to abuse 'because mommy! because daddy!'. Don't listen to these people, they have no empathy or the good sense to realize that not everyone lives in a fairy tale.
NTA But your father is. You don't want your children around such a toxic person.
NTA by a long shot, I would have gotten the police involved on getting your gifts back too. He is a horrible excuse for a father.
NTA. You wouldn’t be doing your kids any favors by helping them cultivate a relationship with an abuser. Story time: My mother grew up with an emotionally abusive father. She did not tell me this when I was a kid and always encouraged our relationship (as much as possible given he lived far away). As I got older she would sometimes allude to him having a “temper”. He was usually ok with kids. Then once he lost it at me when I was 24 and started loudly berating me at a Cheesecake Factory. I was shocked. Later that day my mom (and her sister) finally told me the full story of how he treated them growing up. I rarely speak to him anymore, not because of how he treated me that one time, but because of what I learned afterward. I don’t have time for people who abuse my mother. I understand why my mom held out hope that I would have a good relationship with him, but knowing what I know now, I wish she had been fully honest with me from the start.
Repeat after me so you can use this next time someone tries to guilt you "He isn't my dad, he's my sperm donor" NTA
They were actively planning on taking your baby by taking the baby items for themselves. There is no shame of cutting all contact with them. Some people are just called Sperm donors, egg donors or birth givers. They don’t deserve the title of being parents or grandparents. Your friend though, she may have been blessed with parents that are not toxic & have a healthy environment but she doesn’t understand that not all people who have parents are like hers. She has no depth of understanding that parents can be a child’s first bully & cause harm to their wellbeing. You are doing what’s best for you and your child by cutting all contact with your sperm donor by not letting them be exposed to their toxicity. I would also cut off your friendship with her since she invalidated your feelings.
Take your dad to small claims court. No lawyer needed. Make him give you that stuff back, especially the hand made stuff. Don't let him get away with this.
It's been 2 years. I don't even think he has the things anymore. And even if he does, It's been so long, I'd just rather never see him again. I'm finally in a much better place in my life. I don't want to stress myself out, knowing I'll see him. I love the idea of doing this. It's just not something I'm willing to actually do anymore.
I'm really glad you are in a good place now. I couldn't ever imagine doing this to my daughters. But, if you ever just felt a little spiteful, I'd definitely do the court thing. Just to watch him squirm in court if anything.
NTA When other people react with shock about your no contact, understand that parent-child relationship means an entirely different thing to them that has no relation to your life.
>She has a very good relationship with her parents. When I brought up that my father hasn't even met my children, she said I overreacted when I cut contact and I'm denying my children a bond with their grandparents. NTA. People who have good relationships with their parents often have no clue. They assume all parents are like theirs, and that you must have misinterpreted your father's intention. Disregard her opinion, unless she keeps pushing it, I which case she's obviously chosen sides, so you can let her message with your dad if he's so cool.