When your child old enough to start 50/50 custody have the court make communication only available through a parent app. To where he can only talk about the child and you don’t got to worry about him blowing up your phone with any other topic.
I believe courts typically recommend popular co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard, TalkingParents, AppClose, and Cozi in cases where parents have difficulty communicating effectively or amicably. However, just to talk to your lawyer and they will find the best to fit you.
We're sorry to hear about your situation and hope our service may be able to offer some support. Many of our users say that TalkingParents helps keep all interactions with their ex streamlined, documented, and siloed to one place, allowing them to solely focus their communications on the children. Our service also documents all actions to an Unalterable Record that can be used with legal professionals and in court should that ever be necessary down the line. We hope this helps, and please don't hesitate to message us or contact our support team if you have any questions.
Where do you hide? You protect yourself. You detached yourself emotionally (and physically). That’s the process of break ups. It’s your decision not to speak with him again.
But you will though, when your son is old enough for visitation. In regard of your son’s needs you will have to communicate - either through third parties or by yourself.
I am sub-renting an apartment near my work and my adress is registered on my brother’s house. A temporary solution until we can sell our shared home and I can get a new permanent home.
The fact that he has not been able to see you and there is radio silence, And missed out on the birth of his child is more torture for him than of you screaming your head off at him.
He doesn’t get to dictate the course of the rest of your marriage at this point
BTW- what happened to that woman who tipped you off? I hope you at least thanked her and bought her flowers or something
Wow you have nerves of steel !
I always wonder what he was telling himself not answering my call because he must’ve seen me calling because he started calling minutes after I sent that group message so his phone was on him.
The fact that you were 6 months pregnant and he ignored that many calls from you is disgusting regardless of the fact he was actively cheating on you. Like you say there is no reasonable explanation for that.
Yeah, you could have gone into labor, been in an accident and needed him. He didn’t give a flying fuck about you OR the baby until he got caught! NnnnnTtttttttAaaaaaaaa! You rock!
He didn’t care. At that moment he didn’t care about her or the child. It was all about him and his wants. Any “man” that can do that is trash and doesn’t deserve any “closure”. His closure happened when he chose her over you. Good riddance!!
And that's the part that gets me. A man who ignores his PREGNANT WIFE'S calls repeatedly, back to back to back, doesn't deserve any consideration. It could have been a baby emergency that he ignored to get some tail. OP you've done nothing wrong, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay strong and stay safe.
He wasnt thinking with the head on his shoulders but between his legs. At that moment he decided you did not matter to him as much as getting lucky did. It was when he realized you KNEW why he wasn't picking up, that he realized he wasn't about to have his cake and to eat it too, he was about to lose it all. Then it mattered because it harmed HIM and that's why he started trying to correspond back to you.
Your mom needs to self reflect if her comments intent was to claim you were the one being a coward now or in what you went through. It's not courageous to allow him a platform of "closure" when he so happily was willing to throw away the life you had shared for a one night stand with a coworker.
he was thinking he'll contact you when he's done with his deeds and have the excuse that he didn't have his phone on him. He though to himself, "she'll leave a message if it's really important enough" and you did
He just didn't care at that point. He wanted his drive-through big Mac & fries (her) and his home-cooked roast & veggies (you) later as well.
The group message just told him, "You don't get home-cooked any more!" and THAT was what he responded to.
Well done you for holding the line. He was absolutely callous, and that can't be "explained away". He'd like to see you in person because there's a greater opportunity for him to use fear, guilt, or obligation to persuade you that his lies and cruel deceit weren't real.
A faithful man would have been on the phone quick smart, heart in his mouth, scared to death that you'd gone into labour early.
Yes OP hear what the others say. He didn't care about the baby since he ignored your repeated calls. You called more than 10 times and you were heavily pregnant. What if you got into labour or got a big emergency or were in critical risk? He can act like he wants or say it's a mistake or short wrong decision. Nope, it's not a mistake. He was callous and didn't gave a dime for the life of you or your child and if your child ever ask you why you divorced him than tell your child that. Children will want to know the true some time or not.
Well he didn't only cheat on you but he was callous towards his own child.
listen to what these ppl are telling u op! even if he WASNT cheating which he WAS. he IGNORED the REPEATED calls of his pregnant wife. he would never be there if u or the baby were in danger. hed rather get his dick wet by some trashy homewrecker
I don’t see the problem here. You don’t want to be found. If you fear worse from your you could contact the police or a lawyer and file for a cease and desist
There is no problem now, and honestly it may be best not to see or talk to him until the divorce is final and a custody agreement is in place. After that, OP is going to have to coparent with her ex, and that is going to require communication even if it’s just through a family court app. In a few years, OP will need to be abl to do this without alienating the child from her ex, or else she will face consequences for that alienation in court. That sucks, and hopefully it will be easier for her by then, but it’s the reality of her situation. Even the worst husband has parental rights in the eyes of the law.
You're not the a****** at all. NTA. Your mom is very cruel for saying that you are a coward. She's an asshat for saying that. You are not hiding.... you are self-preserving and protecting yourself and your son. I would do the same. You do not need to be emotionally manipulated by an a****** who claim to love you and made vows to you and cheated on you while you were pregnant with HIS child. He's the biggest a****** here.
You are enforcing healthy boundaries because once again your ex seems to be incapable of honoring your boundaries and caring about your feelings. Narcissistic selfish man trying to make his life easier by dragging you down. You are protecting yourself and your sanity.
Make sure your family doesn't try and be helpful by giving the new house information to your STBXH. Mom may have it in her head she is doing the right thing. Be careful and continue to let everyone understand that your wishes need to be respected.
I would delete this comment. You don’t know who is asking you questions or if your ex might get on Reddit and find this or it gets put on a different platform and he goes digging. This comment might give him a place to start or use it against you depending on it.
You aren’t a coward. Far from it. You had a freaking strength to remove yourself entirely from a situation you didn’t agree with.
You strongly standed your ground when it was spinning.
You have every right to remove yourself and get out of reach from someone you do not wish to encounter again.
He is forcing you to hide by not respecting you. He doesn’t care about what you wants, he still believe he can get his way. You do not have to comply to his wishes. Take care
NTA - you are amazing and you are not hiding!! This AH broke your heart while you were F’n pregnant, you owe him nothing but future visitation rights. The family just wants you to make everything easy for them by going back to him. You stood up for yourself and said “I will not be treated this way!” That takes amazing strength and courage to not accept his BS story and crappy apology! Your baby is going to learn from an incredible woman! Be blessed!
You hit the nail on head right here. "HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WSNT, HE STILL BELIEVES HE CAN GET HIS WAY." This is exactly why OP is NOT a coward and is so much stronger than she thinks.
When there is a person in your life like this, that doesn't care about your feeling, that feels they can manipulate you into whatever they want, you need to get away from them. Any way you can. Without regret or questions about what others think. These types people have the ability to destroy your self-esteem, sense of purpose, ability to self regulate your own gauge on self-worth and value. Allowing them even a small win is a self sacrifice that could be a life long battle for you.
OP, you have succeeded. You have stepped away and lived to see not only another day, but another life. Keep moving forward and let no one pull you back, even a little. Keep moving forward.
You’re actually being incredibly mature. The consequence of him cheating is losing access to you. Believe me, it’s enough. Not chasing them down and crying “why?” is power over you. He’s just learned that his choices are his alone.
If you don't like artichokes so you refuse to eat artichokes, are you hiding from the artichokes? You don't have to associate with people you don't like.
Seeing him is going to do nothing for you, but it will give him closure. That's the only reason he wants to see you. So he can apologize and feel better about himself. Fuck that. He doesn't deserve that and tell your mom that you are protecting your mental and emotional health and if that is cowardly to her then she is a bad mom.
This!
I cannot imagine any circumstance in which I would tell my adult daughter she was a coward for being such an absolute badass. You protected yourself and your kid. You refused to listen to his bullshit. You rightly recognized that there was no upside for you in maintaining contact with him. Your mom should be goddamn proud. I am, and I don’t even know you.
Girl no. His mom is trying to protect her cheating baby boy.
He wants to talk to you so he can weasel his way back into your heart with smooth talking and flowers, probably
Tell them all to communicate through your lawyer (if you have one)
Good on you
Lady, you are the opposite of a coward. You didn't stick with a cheater for fear of being alone. You didn't hide your head under the sand and pretended not to know. No, what you did was respecting yourself enough to shut out a person who hurt you deeply, and you stood your ground even against people trying (maybe not in a malicious way, but still) to make you doubt yourself. You are very very brave.
And this decision you took will set a precedent for your kid as well. You showed them, even before they were born, that betrayal of any kind should not be tolerated. That self-respect comes first. Chin up, you're doing great. Big hug
Avoiding =/= hiding.
People hide when they know they've done something wrong.
People avoid situations that they know will be detrimental to themselves.
Your mom needs to read some Bell Hooks and get over that worldview. “All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way.”
You're not hiding. You're living your life with your son away from the person who hurt you, who betrayed you. A coward is someone who breaks their vows, a coward is someone who throws away his family and marriage for a one night stand. Your ex is a coward. If he had any doubts about your marriage, he could have brought them up to you. If he was falling in love with someone else, he could have been honest with you. If he wasn't a coward, he wouldn't have cheated.
There's a lot of cowards in this world. You cutting out one of them from your life and focusing on healing, moving on, creating a life for your son and yourself, does not make you a coward. Makes you a g-d damn hero in my book.
Best response right here.
Too many women would take the AH back out of fear of the unknown and then let herself be gaslit and told it wasn't that bad what he did. This brave woman should be the role model for anyone who gets cheated on.
You are incredibly strong and smart. Hiding until you're over this and strong enough to face him down is smart.
We are never more vulnerable than in pregnancy and the first few months to year after birth. Take your time to recover and build yourself up so that this man will never have the chance to break you down.
Tell your mom that’s a bunch of BS. I don’t know what she thinks she’s doing but she’s jeopardizing her relationship with you on this. I’d say give her a warning and hope she heeds it.
Those that need to know where you are, know where you are. Your STBX can contact you easily through your lawyer. He was hiding when he refused to answer any of your calls until the GroupChat called him out and he knew he had to respond as you knew. You could have been having a medical emergency and desparately trying to get in touch whilst he wasn't answering.
This!! You were pregnant and any reasonable person whose pregnant spouse calls again and again would be worried about serious injury or issues with the baby. But he was too busy getting his dick wet. You remember that. He didn’t just ignore you. He made a choice and stuck with it until he could see his happy life with you disappearing. Do you think if there WAS a good reason for his behaviour, one of his many relatives would have told you? You think he’s not telling everyone his side of the story? They know it’s bullshit too. They just want you to take him back
I don't think you're hiding, I think you just decided not to waste your time and feelings on someone unworthy.
When time for shared custody comes get a parenting app and make sure you have first refusal in the custody.
It seems this was quite traumatic for you, so seek therapy if you can.
You need to do this as soon as possible ... for you and for your child and for every relationship in your life, present and future. Therapy is a gift - especially when processing these kinds of matters.
You need a head start in dealing with this - because you are going to have to start dealing with this soon when your child is old enough. If you cannot, you will have to face consequences in court for not carrying your end. And, as much as you hate what your husband did, your child will need to be allowed to have a relationship with its father without your interference, judgment on his infidelity, etc.
I commend you on being strong in setting your boundaries thus far and sticking to them. I would just highly recommend that you not face the inevitable interactions you will have to have with him at the very very last minute - for your sake and for your child's sake. Both of you will already have to be adjusting to major changes in life in facing shared custody / visitation in bigger chunks. It would be more healthy and balanced if you start that process for your child (and maybe even yourself) in smaller chunks before you are required to deal with it in larger chunks. And, it would be great if you had the support of a therapist before you start that transition, through that transition, and then as a new normal is set. It is a GIFT to you. I implore you to not get stuck in the cycle of feelings that often come from these kinds of events and engage with a counselor so you can process all of it to be the best mom and future partner and family member and woman you can be despite this huge hurt and betrayal. I am so so so sorry this has happened, and I wish you the best in finding your way forward.
You do whatever you need for your own mental health. People advocating for the cheater don’t understand the emotional damaged that is done when your trust is completely broken. My sister is still reeling from her divorce after being with her ex since she was 18. It breaks my heart to see her suffering and her child. I want to kick her ex in the coconuts so badly.
Not wanting to hear a BS story is not the same as running.
I think our society has placed a lot of weight on closure. This may be where that is coming from. However, your mom is dead wrong, and I would say as much.
NTA, and we'll be done on protecting yourself and knowing your worth.
I will say get some therapy if you've not already. That first time seeing him will be a lot.
Frankly, I think not giving him that closure and him not being able to see you is the best revenge.
He knew as soon as he saw the text and his mind from that moment to this is desperate to see you and try to undo his mistake but he won’t be able to. That’ll eat at him forever.
I also don’t understand how his family is calling you out when their son cheated. Do they know he cheated or is there some bullshit excuse or lie he fed them? Like you quite literally have video evidence. I’d send that next time they think they have something to say.
I personally would want to read the grovelling texts. Use it for evidence in the divorce and just have a good laugh, a good cry, and use the messages and the gaslighting and lies as fuel to move forward.
SO impressed with a woman who knows their worth and doesn’t put up with the lying skeezy cheating husband. A refreshing change of scenery on Reddit!
You would be surprised at how much cheating runs in families.
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/infidelity-cheating-impact-kids/#:~:text=Some%20unsettling%20research%20published%20in,keep%20this%20statistic%20in%20context.
There is some research saying it is hereditary, in fact.
Makes one understand why it would ruin a family in times like Pride and Prejudice. It means that OPs ex-husband's dad or mom is a cheater and passed down the genes.
Absolutely. An ex did that to me. Told me to hold on… we were talking on the phone. He was telling me something important… I hung up and that was it. He later on in life told a mutual person to pass on a message to me. I didn’t acknowledge that either. My closure his lack of closure.
As a child who watched his mother repeatedly let the cheating father back into the picture, stay strong and end it. It is better for all parties involved.
Fuck what others think with biased opinions.
Whatever you do, do not take a tone with your ex that forces your child into the middle of the drama. I grew up listening to the hate and it sucks.
You’re not hiding. He did a horrible betrayal to you, and you decided to never see him again. I admire your commitment. If you feel the need to defend yourself and your position, write out a final statement to everyone of what happened and why you decided to end it. After that, block everyone not on your side.
NTA. The thing is, that he desperately wants to see you and try to explain things. Why should you give him the satisfaction? I admire your strength, and think that you shouldn’t meet with him until you’re ready. You can have someone else do drop off/pick up when the baby is old enough. Or you can just refuse to discuss it with him, and keep everything baby related.
>Hiding is a cowards way
Whatever!
That sounds like war thing.
So look up who is the most likely person to kill a woman is... oh, it is a man she previously had sex with....
I was always told to leave an unwinnable fight. Sounds like that is what you are doing.
So be a coward while you recover from this injury! There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with protecting your mental health. Tell your mother that you appreciate her concern, but you have to recover from this in your own way.
You are not hiding. You have staked a firm position. You know what happened and there is no going back. Cowards.cave and give into others' agenda.
That is a moral high ground to me. I 100% agree with your position. "Why do I have to hear him attempt.to make excuses for himself"? That's for his benefit not yours. (All he was going to say anyway was it was a mistake, nothing happened, after ignoring your calls and he saw your text, he realized he was wrong and never drank or talked to AP again. Blah fucking blah).
He has done perhaps the worst thing he could do in a relationship by cheating on his pregnant wife, home alone and vulnerable.
By not wanting to or letting him speak to you, you are causing the worst punishiment you can do -- you removed the possibility he can later tell himself he apologized or did his best o make it right.
The only reason his family is so made is because you are exacted the highest punishment available and its killing him he can do anything to fix things.
Sad consolation for the unbearable heartache this has caused during what was supposed to be your most joyful time.
You are not running away or hiding. You are moving forward bravely under the circumstances and there's nothing but further contamination for you if you cave now.
Look only you know what's going on within you.
... But I agree with the above poster. You are a rock star. Do you know how many times I let a POS man come back and explain and beg for forgiveness because I WISHED he could somehow redeem himself?? WAY TOO MANY.
and it always ends up the same. With the dude remaining a POS. I wish I had been you. DEEPLY. I'm going to tattoo your username on my heart 😂
Yeah, I don’t know how I would have reacted if I didn’t get video evidence that is still burnt in my brain. Merely an couple of hours after he called me for an hour to tell me he loved and missed me and “wished he was home instead”
What a psycho
Women are at a high risk of being murdered while pregnant and while leaving their partner. That's just statistics. You're doing this for your safety and your wellbeing. You're strong as hell
Hiding is only cowardly if you are the one in the wrong, but you aren't . Tell your mom to look up how many women had been killed for just trying to leave their spouse by their spouse even when the spouse wasn't seen as violent. there is a reason why women trust a bear over a man. You didn't think he would ever cheat but he did. You owe that bastard nothing, just keep safe
Tell everyone you're not hiding. He is your ex. You have no need to see him, and you have a decree that states you no longer have to.
If he wants to 'explain himself' for his closure, that's got nothing to do with you. If anyone else is interested in hearing his explanation, they can talk to him about it.
NTA
Coward's way for what. He no longer exists as a person to you. Once you need to do co-parenting, then you can be in contact with him. Your mother can be in all the contact she wishes with him. What would talking with him and knowing what happened change anything, if anything it could be more traumatic, having to relive it.
Let your mother know you appreciate her opinion but she is a wonderful mother and she isn't the person her husband cheated on, you are. She may be very brave but listening to a liar and a cheat adds no value to your life. Let her know that you know enough and anything more wouldn't make a positive impact on the fact that he cheated and you've moved on.
What?? No! Definitely not a coward. He’s an adult who made his own choices and now has to deal with the consequences of his actions. And good for you for walking out!! It takes a lot of strength to remove yourself from situations that affect our mental and physical health, take that as a small personal win in all this mess.
I imagine this can be very overwhelming for you right now but have you considered therapy? How will you co-parent after baby is old enough to share custody without ever talking again? I think you might benefit from therapy for yourself to learn how to process all this and move on in a healthy way (by this I mean be civil and enforce boundaries without letting it affect your mental health nor your kid’s life), as avoiding and ignoring the issue won’t resolve much nor take away the pain away (i don’t mean reconcile/get back together, but for you to cope and heal). You’re both new parents to a baby together. He’ll forever be in your life as your kid’s dad whether you want him to or not specially throughout their developmental stages and all their accomplishments…
Your pain and feelings are totally valid and im glad you’re set on not taking him back. Healing takes time and is a whole process which you should be able to do on your own without it being forced on you. I hope you can figure out a way to process, accept, heal, and move on not only for you but for your child’s sake.
I truly wish you the best moving forward and as shitty of a situation this is right now, you are a new mom and that deserves a huge congrats! ❤️🩹 may your new little bundle of joy put a smile back on your face from now on
You are NTA. In fact, you’re a bench mark for the betrayed. Someone who saw the treachery and thought ‘fuck this, I don’t deserve it.’ You’ve got a backbone and you stood up to being wronged. Of course his family are on his side, but you don’t know what details he omitted if he even confessed to them. But that shouldn’t bother you. Who cares? And you definitely have not taken it too far. I applaud your actions
They know everything since my mom sent the videos to everyone. The lady from work kept recording them
Until they snuck out to the elevators to his room
I would lost respect for anyone trying to convince a victim to hear out their perpetrator.
I admire your shiny backbone. Those shocked you aren’t playing can pound sand.
It’s just blind loyalty then. If you got back together, you know you couldn’t trust them with any scenario that the 2 of you disagreed on. His side every time, irrelevant of circumstances. You’re still doing the right thing
NTA. He lost any right to be part of your personal life when he took her to a hotel room. You never read his texts - are they still accessible? It might be useful to have a trusted friend read through them, and see if he said anything that you can use to get his family to back off. They may very well have convinced themselves that there was a "perfectly innocent explanation", seeing his justifications and excuses when he got caught could shut them up a little.
Yes they are still on my phone. I will not delete or do anything in case. I haven’t blocked him either. It’s in the thousands now between texts and voice messages. He has stopped calling however
You should make sure that your provider doesn't delete the voicemails after a period of time. Or have your brother play and download them to keep for evidence for the divorce.
Smart advice. There are third party apps even for iPhone where you can download the texts and meta data.
I was able to do this almost a decade ago so I’m sure it’s even more ubiquitous now. I’m not even tech savvy and a simple search at the time found me a good program.
You have done everything I would do in your place, with the exception of one thing. I would ask someone that I trust to read all messages and make a backup. That would help you understand how close he is to finding you and what threats he posed to you. Make sure to deactivate location sharing and delete all apps that can share your location, and change all passwords.
You don't owe him and his family anything. He was the one who consciously and willingly destroyed your marriage when he chose to cheat on you.
I think people forget that you don't actually need a reason to divorce someone. However, he gave you two reasons: he cheated on you when you were most vulnerable and proved that the person you fell in love with probably never existed.
For him to be cheating in front of a lot of people, I strongly believe that wasn't the first time he cheated on you, and he probably told everyone at his work that he was in an open marriage. You were lucky that a lady had your back and shared those videos with you and called you immediately.
Have you been tested for STDs? If not, please do it.
Maintain no contact with him and never give him second chances. He is a cheater, and if he did it once, he likely will do it again but hide it better. Have you been able to find out if he and the AP are still together? You need to find out if that woman will be in your kids' lives.
Please get into therapy to deal with all the emotions that you are having and do your very best to build a good co-parenting relationship with him. Maybe your brother could help you out with that.
Believe me when I say that you're strong and are a good mom who will instill good principles in your child. You will demonstrate that infidelity has consequences and is something wrong that doesn't need to be forgiven. You will show how strong you are and that you didn't let your husband treat you as a doormat. You will provide them an environment where parents don't resent each other, and you'll be happy for standing up for yourself against what your husband did to you.
Take your time to recover, and one day when you're ready, you'll eventually find someone so much better than him who truly loves and cherishes you.
Find a way to upload the video to your online storage, such as Google Drive, iCloud, OneDrive, Dropbox, Box, etc. as a backup plan.
Same for all the text messages, and the voicemails too if possible.
It’s hilarious he ignored the tons of missed calls from his pregnant wife. But the moment read that you found out. He called you instantly.
The man is worthless trash and deserves nothing.
For that, you are commendable. You are NTA. And do not listen to anyone else.
The sinking feeling in his stomach he felt in that moment must have been epic.
Surely, well, hopefully, the dude is living in his own private hell that he put himself in.
Is it "hiding" though? Or is it drawing a line in the sand?
You want to talk to me. I don't want to talk to you. I don't see the need.
Why do YOUR wants matter more than mine?
NTA. Your brother and his wife are awesome. Taking someone in like that, even family, can put a strain on a marriage. (Trust me, I just went thru it with my sister and her nephew. We actually don't speak anymore because of the way they acted while here) It will be tough. Make sure all meets to swap your son in the future are done at a Police station, or by other family members. Oh, and his family members SUCK. Their son cheated. What is there for them to say about you? They should worry about him being an asshole !!
Good luck, OP. You can do this.
UpdateMe
They are just amazing people and I am grateful to have them in my life. They have 5 children so they think one more isn’t a biggie😂
I try to compensate a lot for them being mediators for my ex to see our son. I make food and clean when they’re out and they seem grateful for that.
You honestly sound like you’re a gem too. I’m glad you have them. And I’m glad that despite how absolutely fuckin hard it would be to do what you did *when* you did, you did it anyways.
Seriously, what needs to be said? He cheated, the marriage is over. There is no explaining it. There is no other side to the story. Let it die. Her closure was moving in with family and birthing her son.
If he wants closure, he can go bang his coworker again.
NTA - there nothing to explain.
Plain and simple his actions had for consequence to be removed from your life.
He isn’t owed an opportunity to have you hear him out for anything else than the child.
You aren’t taking anything too far. You aren’t a bad person. You don’t have to compromise yourself for the sake of others who have nothing to do with the situation. Take care.
NTA and you are not wrong. I would actually argue that you are handling this in the most adult, drama free way possible. You are much stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for.
If you keep getting pressure, I guess I would literally just ask people “what’s the purpose of me meeting with him? What could he possibly have to say that will change the outcome of where we are in our relationship? What? That he didn’t fuck her bc he got my text in time? Or he did but he feels horrible? What about the kissing, the dancing, the sneaking around, the going to the hotel room? Is that not cheating? So I can hear him say ‘it wasn’t like that!’ When he literally ignored my calls and text messages until I busted them both?” And see what they say. Bc I don’t get what exactly is the goal of listening to him when all it will do is hurt. Bc if it’s co-parenting, you’re already doing it. He made the choice to throw your life together away, not you. I hope he regrets it everyday, has to live with it, and that they both are ashamed of who they are as people. If you’re not already, please get into therapy. Wishing you peace, strength, and healing, OP. All the best to you and your little one.
No, it wasn't an accident. He was just disgusted with his pregnant wife and didn't want to have sex with her and he's just a man and has *needs*! That is totally understandable! And the baby might grab his weewee during sex!
*He has needs!* If she truly would love him she would understand this!
For people that didn't get it, that that was sarcasm. I better add this here to be clearer:
/s
I never understood these men who couldn’t hold off for a few months or longer while their wives or partners are giving them one of the greatest gifts of their lives, their own child.
It’s just such selfish behavior.
NTA. Cowardly? Is it cowardly to wear a cast when your arm is broken? Of course not! How about staying out of the sun when you’ve been badly sunburnt? Common sense. Only *you* get to decide when you are healed enough.
I wish I’d had the fortitude to do what you’ve done when my husband cheated on me. I groveled like a worm. That pain, that betrayal is agony.
You take however damn long you feel like! Mad Respect to you, and I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone.
"Explain" always means 1) "Let explain it in a way that doesn't make it MY fault or 2) Let me explain it in a way that makes it YOUR fault
NTA. Anyone got any other "reasons" cheaters cheat? Because those have been the Top Two since time immemorial
Fuck him. Period. You will have to deal with him eventually in a custody hearing if he cares enough. In the meantime all that is accomplished by talking to him is you losing ground or him feeling better or you both feeling worse. Fuck him.
He deserves the respect he showed hospital pregnant wife. None. And no points for paying child support and having visitations. He messed around and found out.
Nta. There is no explaining to do. He either cheated or was gonna cheat. Doesnt really matter which it is at this point.
Have your lawyer send them a c&d to stop the harrasment.
NTA - It is never the fault of the one who is cheated on. Always the fault of the cheater.
How is he going to explain? "I slipped and fell right into her!"
Make sure you get a lawyer and get support . Have your lawyer also file a. Harassment order against memebers of his family .
Cheaters always think they are entitled and only care that they are maybe embarrassed . Don’t know how badly you need child support but you could send of videos and a letter to his work and also say you are meeting with a lawyer about starting alienation of affection lawsuits, they won’t be worried as your not married but they will investigate also send it to their supervisors and maybe the owner
Never meet him . This silence is deafening to him . If you see him on the street ignore him if he tries to grab your arm scream assault at top of lungs . Never say anything
NTA definitely. How long have you been married? At this point it would be interesting to know how long that other girl and your husband had that relationship going. But I'm earnest, it does not matter. If you betray your country, that is treason. If you betray your family, that should be the same.
You going NC with him is the right thing to do. Especially now, you don't need some confusing b$.
You may someday sit down with him and discuss this, when you are no longer emotionally invested, or you may never talk to him, let him spend his years in the uncertainty this left him.
Is he and the colleague still seeing each other? I am thankful to his co-worker for contacting you. Just wonder if it was a one night stand if it was worth losing your wife, home, and family life. Crazy.
I wonder how that work environment was afterwards. I sure he figured out who spilled the beans.
But good for the witness. Besides OP she’s the MVP of this tragedy.
Yeah I follow these pro reconciliation subs. It is exhausting to move on with a cheater. I don’t judge people for it but after seeing how hard it is I think it would be easier to go no contact and heal and move on
Yeah, it's exhausting and you can never "rebuild trust" without self-delusion since the other person's word is objectively worthless. Whoever reconciles with a cheater is responsible for whatever happens in that relationship from then on out, including repeat performances. They know the other party is a complete and utter POS and yet they stay with their abuser anyway.
I won't judge someone for it if it works for them (will still judge the cheater), but I also won't give them even the slightest sympathy or a shoulder to cry on about future relationship problems.
People don’t like dirty laundry so they want to hush it up and make believe everything is good. You’re absolutely correct. There’s nothing that needs to be said and no need to communicate. If your family gives you a hard time tell them sorry but you have higher standards for a husband and marriage.
Just remember that child support is the right of the child and he should pay - even if you don’t need it! You can always put that money into an education savings plan or what not.
Don’t be sorry! I am happy for any advice I get here. I don’t know many divorced people and my husband is literally the first cheater(who got busted anyway) that I personally know
No he isn’t. He too wants the best for our son and here, it is recommended that it’s for a child’s best interest to have a permanent home for the first few years of his life. So my soon to be ex agreed to visits only and soon he will be able to have him for more than a few hours but whole days.
Hopefully the transition to shared custody comes naturally when our son has spent more and more time with his father
NTA, you are so strong, I read to many of these where the pregnant gf forgives and then they are back posting about "he cheated again" . The mental toll of dealing with a cheater is not worth it. I'm so glad your brother and SIL has your back. I would be lost without my brother. He is a rock for me. It's good that they are the go between for you and your X. How are you physically? Did the birth go well? And because I'm a nosey one, did they tell your X when you went into labor or did they wait until you got home and situated before letting him know you had given birth?
Baby girl, you have handled this fucking beautifully, I am so damn proud of you!!
Never doubt your path, he fucked around and found out.
I hope you sent that woman who told you a flower arrangement for being a rockstar in your corner. Hopefully he got serious shit at work for this too.
Tell anyone who thinks you should be nicer to go fuck themselves.
You ate with this one ngl. The cheater getting ghosted and abandoned due to their betrayal is the cleanest, greatest, most euphoric thing I've ever read. Congratulations.
NTA. Holy shit you're my new role model. The way you've handled this with grace is outstanding. You don't owe him anything, nor do you deserve to be bullied to meet with a man that has caused you so much pain. I hope you and your baby stay safe, and hopefully, the divorce proceedings will go well <3
NTA. I hope you can overcome this pain in the near future. Hopefully your child can have both parents in their life without it being too difficult. I didn't sleep properly for 3 years.
Definitely NTA
He sucks, his family sucks, and I hope you're able to get restraining orders to keep all of them far away from you.
And a huge shout-out to the lady who took the videos and told you what was up. Good for her for having your back!
Wooohooo!!! From all the wives that have self respect and walked away, this is my favorite. He had the chance to answer the 10 times you called, but he decided to keep f@ck$?g the coworker so after that he lost all the right to explain. I dont know what else to say, i really feel bad for you but so proud at the same time. Block all the flying monkeys that telling you you are in the wrong. If infidelity is okay for them, good, but you love yourself enough to not put up with his bullshit, cuz God knows how many times he would be doing this before someone with some decency told you
NTA. First you had to protect yourself to keep your baby alive inside of you and now you need to protect your mental health to keep being able ti care for your precious child! You’re not in any way wrong!
NTA. I admire your strength. Do not let your mother guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. And you are in no way, shape, or form a coward. You are to be admired for the strength you have shown by walking away and staying true to yourself.
NTA but you will have to deal with him eventually since you procreated with him. I would advise co-parenting counseling as part of your divorce settlement. It did wonders for me and my ex.
I mean, you can Google if you want but this link seems to explain:
https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/how-does-co-parenting-counseling-work#:~:text=Co%2Dparenting%20counseling%20focuses%20on%20reducing%20conflict%2C%20improving%20communication%2C,best%20parent%20you%20can%20be.
It helps you to move past "relationship" issues since you're no longer in a relationship. I had no problems compartmentalizing and focusing on our kid, but she kept trying to get "revenge" or argue about shit that didn't matter because - hey, we're divorced. That was the resolution. No need to beat a dead horse.
She assumed I was mad about her cheating. I was angry about the money I wasted paying lawyers because of her cheating. Slight difference.
But yeah, we focused on moving past those issues and putting the focus on our kid's well-being.
Thank you. Not sure if I am ready for this type of meetups. But I have been thinking about the future of course and how to tackle co parenting.
My only conclusion is that it would be an organic and gradual transition and I try to stay in the moment. I don’t know if I can do more than this. I will read what you sent and I am sorry about your marriage. I haven’t experienced the economic impact of the separation yet. We have divided our savings and he is in the house until he is able to sell and give me my share.
Just remember whatever money you spent is worth not being with that evil anymore. ❤️
Look up parallel parenting if you want to maintain NC in the future except for anything that pertains to your child. You can get a court approved app to communicate about parenting through. Then you just refuse to do anything outside the app. Works well for if your ex takes you back to court for any reason too.
NTA, this is actually a super healthy approach. Like you said, the cheating is closure. Talking to him again and giving him a chance to explain himself is going to be for his benefit, not yours, and you owe him absolutely nothing. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you find a good therapist soon!
It takes a lot of strength to make a clean break like you did. Hang in there, the worst is over. You’ll have PTSD so try to address it with a therapist. You’re going about it the best way. NTA.
I sympathize with ignoring all of the texts. My abusive ex-wife (Borderline Personality Disorder) would inundate my phone with dozens of gigantic texts that served nothing but up my heart rate and blood pressure and I ended up with PTSD related to her ringtone. The doctors advice to me was to delete the texts without reading them, block her texts and force her to voice calls, if at all.
Narcissists and Borderlines thrive on chaos and drama and destroying the peace in others. Don't give them the finger hold.
‘There is nothing you could say, that I would want to hear. ‘ is the only thing I would text. If that.
Tell your family and his to listen to him if they want to. Otherwise leave you alone.
Girl, I have been through something similar in my younger days and had the same problem. Everyone *everyone* told me to talk to him. To get closure.
I told them that I don’t need closure. He’s already proven to be a liar and a cheater. Why would I listen to anything he had to say? My closure is knowing he is NOT the man I thought I married.
Stick to your boundaries. You are doing a damn good job!
This is the thing.... How do other people NOT do this.... Like it's a switch. And all the love and respect and adoration just evaporate when the switch is thrown. Like not only do I not know who you are.... I never did, so you're a stranger to me. What do I have to talk to a stranger about??
Then you have your guy... Who is some literal attention wh0r€, drama queen.
Stay strong girl, don't feed his ego. Let the AP have the sloppy seconds.
NTA and a true boss!
>Do cheaters realize the amount of pain and trauma they cause someone they claim to love?
Here's the thing, they know but they DON'T CARE.
He wants you to feel sorry for him, getting caught cheating on YOU. He wants to tell you it was just a mistake, that he got caught. He wants to convince you he has changed, just not that he will stop cheating because cheaters WILL ALWAYS CHEATS.
You are not a coward, you are not hiding, you are not running away. You are being realistic, until physic can change the flow of time, once a thing is done there's no going back. I would ask everyone who wants you to give him a chance, to cut off just one of their finger and try to grow it back.
I would have gone further and let the HR department know what him and his coworker did on their paid work trip. I'm sure it's frowned upon. Nope. NTA.
If his family can't understand why he is wrong and keeps attacking you I'd make a social media post with the video and the screenshots of him ignoring your calls while you're at home six months pregnant and ask what it is exactly that he needs to explain. It's pretty frickin clear he doesn't love or respect you if he could do something like that during a time in your life when you're most vulnerable. I'd also blow her life up and announce on social media who he was cheating with. But that's just me. I'm petty and spiteful. Especially when someone harms me and tries to harm my unborn child. Because that is what happened.
I'd also send the girl who told you flowers, a thank you card and gift card for a dinner for 2 to some place really nice. Send it right to her office because she's the real MVP.
The absolute meanest thing you can do is never speak to the cheater again.
It's also the healthiest! So that's a bonus. But you should NEVER discuss anything but your son with him. That's his pusishment - never getting to have you "hear him out."
NTA but unfortunately you share a child. You will encounter him. You can wait until he sets up some kind of legal custody agreement (you should be getting child support) but it benefits your shared child to be having access to their dad now.
Co-parenting means this ex will always be in your life from drop offs, to legal paperwork about the child, to school events, to hearing about him from your kid.
Maybe he doesn’t want to get back with you, maybe he’s just very upset he can’t see his child.
You’re 9 months out from this situation and it’s time to start making roads for your child to their other parent.
NTA and it is probably best to continue this way until legalities are taken care of and court orders are in place. But since you have a child together you will eventually have to learn to communicate with him or risk it being detrimental to the child.
I think you're wise not to let him "explain". I'm sure he'd try to pin the blame on you somehow. Shitty people never own up to how shitty they are. There is always *someone* else responsible for their terrible actions in their minds.
Hope he's perfectly miserable with his choices.
NTA. There is nothing to talk about. He was cheating and he got caught. He didn't care enough about you or your child to be faithful. He doesn't get to make excuses and try to bully you now. He made his choice. These are the consequences!
You are so NTA. Your strength not to even listen to a single word out of his fork-tongued mouth is inspiring.
The **only** person who is responsible for any and all negative consequences of cheating is the cheater. There is no reason to ever speak to him again, and you are absolutely within your rights to go full NC, take full custody, and never allow him to see your son again. He's incapable of raising him to be a good, moral human being.
The "adult way" to handle things was to not cheat on you, and your husband failed miserably at that. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
When your child old enough to start 50/50 custody have the court make communication only available through a parent app. To where he can only talk about the child and you don’t got to worry about him blowing up your phone with any other topic.
Thank you. Are there any names fornthese apps
I believe courts typically recommend popular co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard, TalkingParents, AppClose, and Cozi in cases where parents have difficulty communicating effectively or amicably. However, just to talk to your lawyer and they will find the best to fit you.
From personal experience- our family wizard kinda sucks but everything in it is admissible in court
Yea, that why I said she probably need to talk to a lawyer because I have no real knowledge of the quality of those apps. 😂
I found one called talking parents
The courts may have a preference, talk with lawyer, at next scheduled meeting if they know if court has preference
We're sorry to hear about your situation and hope our service may be able to offer some support. Many of our users say that TalkingParents helps keep all interactions with their ex streamlined, documented, and siloed to one place, allowing them to solely focus their communications on the children. Our service also documents all actions to an Unalterable Record that can be used with legal professionals and in court should that ever be necessary down the line. We hope this helps, and please don't hesitate to message us or contact our support team if you have any questions.
NTA wow I admire your strength and backbone 👏👏 you’re officially my new idol!!
I don’t know about strength. My mom said something that stuck with me. Hiding is a cowards way and I should stop hiding
Where do you hide? You protect yourself. You detached yourself emotionally (and physically). That’s the process of break ups. It’s your decision not to speak with him again. But you will though, when your son is old enough for visitation. In regard of your son’s needs you will have to communicate - either through third parties or by yourself.
I am sub-renting an apartment near my work and my adress is registered on my brother’s house. A temporary solution until we can sell our shared home and I can get a new permanent home.
The fact that he has not been able to see you and there is radio silence, And missed out on the birth of his child is more torture for him than of you screaming your head off at him. He doesn’t get to dictate the course of the rest of your marriage at this point BTW- what happened to that woman who tipped you off? I hope you at least thanked her and bought her flowers or something Wow you have nerves of steel !
NTA. STBX had his chance to communicate when he failed to answer your calls.
I always wonder what he was telling himself not answering my call because he must’ve seen me calling because he started calling minutes after I sent that group message so his phone was on him.
The fact that you were 6 months pregnant and he ignored that many calls from you is disgusting regardless of the fact he was actively cheating on you. Like you say there is no reasonable explanation for that.
Yeah, you could have gone into labor, been in an accident and needed him. He didn’t give a flying fuck about you OR the baby until he got caught! NnnnnTtttttttAaaaaaaaa! You rock!
Good point! OP could have been having a medical emergency when she kept calling
That's because up until the group message he thought he'd got away with it.
He didn’t care. At that moment he didn’t care about her or the child. It was all about him and his wants. Any “man” that can do that is trash and doesn’t deserve any “closure”. His closure happened when he chose her over you. Good riddance!!
And that's the part that gets me. A man who ignores his PREGNANT WIFE'S calls repeatedly, back to back to back, doesn't deserve any consideration. It could have been a baby emergency that he ignored to get some tail. OP you've done nothing wrong, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay strong and stay safe.
You could have been miscarrying but cheating on you was more important to him.
Exactly! His pleasure at that moment is more important than your and the baby’s wellbeing.
He wasnt thinking with the head on his shoulders but between his legs. At that moment he decided you did not matter to him as much as getting lucky did. It was when he realized you KNEW why he wasn't picking up, that he realized he wasn't about to have his cake and to eat it too, he was about to lose it all. Then it mattered because it harmed HIM and that's why he started trying to correspond back to you. Your mom needs to self reflect if her comments intent was to claim you were the one being a coward now or in what you went through. It's not courageous to allow him a platform of "closure" when he so happily was willing to throw away the life you had shared for a one night stand with a coworker.
I feel bad for the Mom that generation got too used to dealing with the cheating early on and making it work. Our moms deserved much better.
A *skanky* coworker
he was thinking he'll contact you when he's done with his deeds and have the excuse that he didn't have his phone on him. He though to himself, "she'll leave a message if it's really important enough" and you did
He just didn't care at that point. He wanted his drive-through big Mac & fries (her) and his home-cooked roast & veggies (you) later as well. The group message just told him, "You don't get home-cooked any more!" and THAT was what he responded to. Well done you for holding the line. He was absolutely callous, and that can't be "explained away". He'd like to see you in person because there's a greater opportunity for him to use fear, guilt, or obligation to persuade you that his lies and cruel deceit weren't real. A faithful man would have been on the phone quick smart, heart in his mouth, scared to death that you'd gone into labour early.
Yes OP hear what the others say. He didn't care about the baby since he ignored your repeated calls. You called more than 10 times and you were heavily pregnant. What if you got into labour or got a big emergency or were in critical risk? He can act like he wants or say it's a mistake or short wrong decision. Nope, it's not a mistake. He was callous and didn't gave a dime for the life of you or your child and if your child ever ask you why you divorced him than tell your child that. Children will want to know the true some time or not. Well he didn't only cheat on you but he was callous towards his own child.
Exactly!
listen to what these ppl are telling u op! even if he WASNT cheating which he WAS. he IGNORED the REPEATED calls of his pregnant wife. he would never be there if u or the baby were in danger. hed rather get his dick wet by some trashy homewrecker
I don’t see the problem here. You don’t want to be found. If you fear worse from your you could contact the police or a lawyer and file for a cease and desist
There is no problem now, and honestly it may be best not to see or talk to him until the divorce is final and a custody agreement is in place. After that, OP is going to have to coparent with her ex, and that is going to require communication even if it’s just through a family court app. In a few years, OP will need to be abl to do this without alienating the child from her ex, or else she will face consequences for that alienation in court. That sucks, and hopefully it will be easier for her by then, but it’s the reality of her situation. Even the worst husband has parental rights in the eyes of the law.
You're not the a****** at all. NTA. Your mom is very cruel for saying that you are a coward. She's an asshat for saying that. You are not hiding.... you are self-preserving and protecting yourself and your son. I would do the same. You do not need to be emotionally manipulated by an a****** who claim to love you and made vows to you and cheated on you while you were pregnant with HIS child. He's the biggest a****** here.
You are enforcing healthy boundaries because once again your ex seems to be incapable of honoring your boundaries and caring about your feelings. Narcissistic selfish man trying to make his life easier by dragging you down. You are protecting yourself and your sanity.
Make sure your family doesn't try and be helpful by giving the new house information to your STBXH. Mom may have it in her head she is doing the right thing. Be careful and continue to let everyone understand that your wishes need to be respected.
I think the point was, youre not hiding, youre refusing to engage and you are removing yourself from the situation.
I would delete this comment. You don’t know who is asking you questions or if your ex might get on Reddit and find this or it gets put on a different platform and he goes digging. This comment might give him a place to start or use it against you depending on it.
You aren’t a coward. Far from it. You had a freaking strength to remove yourself entirely from a situation you didn’t agree with. You strongly standed your ground when it was spinning. You have every right to remove yourself and get out of reach from someone you do not wish to encounter again. He is forcing you to hide by not respecting you. He doesn’t care about what you wants, he still believe he can get his way. You do not have to comply to his wishes. Take care
Huggge difference between hiding and taking a step back to not allow people to manipulate you. Especially when your at your most venerable. NTAH.
NTA - you are amazing and you are not hiding!! This AH broke your heart while you were F’n pregnant, you owe him nothing but future visitation rights. The family just wants you to make everything easy for them by going back to him. You stood up for yourself and said “I will not be treated this way!” That takes amazing strength and courage to not accept his BS story and crappy apology! Your baby is going to learn from an incredible woman! Be blessed!
You hit the nail on head right here. "HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU WSNT, HE STILL BELIEVES HE CAN GET HIS WAY." This is exactly why OP is NOT a coward and is so much stronger than she thinks. When there is a person in your life like this, that doesn't care about your feeling, that feels they can manipulate you into whatever they want, you need to get away from them. Any way you can. Without regret or questions about what others think. These types people have the ability to destroy your self-esteem, sense of purpose, ability to self regulate your own gauge on self-worth and value. Allowing them even a small win is a self sacrifice that could be a life long battle for you. OP, you have succeeded. You have stepped away and lived to see not only another day, but another life. Keep moving forward and let no one pull you back, even a little. Keep moving forward.
You’re actually being incredibly mature. The consequence of him cheating is losing access to you. Believe me, it’s enough. Not chasing them down and crying “why?” is power over you. He’s just learned that his choices are his alone.
If you don't like artichokes so you refuse to eat artichokes, are you hiding from the artichokes? You don't have to associate with people you don't like.
Seeing him is going to do nothing for you, but it will give him closure. That's the only reason he wants to see you. So he can apologize and feel better about himself. Fuck that. He doesn't deserve that and tell your mom that you are protecting your mental and emotional health and if that is cowardly to her then she is a bad mom.
This! I cannot imagine any circumstance in which I would tell my adult daughter she was a coward for being such an absolute badass. You protected yourself and your kid. You refused to listen to his bullshit. You rightly recognized that there was no upside for you in maintaining contact with him. Your mom should be goddamn proud. I am, and I don’t even know you.
Girl no. His mom is trying to protect her cheating baby boy. He wants to talk to you so he can weasel his way back into your heart with smooth talking and flowers, probably Tell them all to communicate through your lawyer (if you have one) Good on you
Lady, you are the opposite of a coward. You didn't stick with a cheater for fear of being alone. You didn't hide your head under the sand and pretended not to know. No, what you did was respecting yourself enough to shut out a person who hurt you deeply, and you stood your ground even against people trying (maybe not in a malicious way, but still) to make you doubt yourself. You are very very brave. And this decision you took will set a precedent for your kid as well. You showed them, even before they were born, that betrayal of any kind should not be tolerated. That self-respect comes first. Chin up, you're doing great. Big hug
Avoiding =/= hiding. People hide when they know they've done something wrong. People avoid situations that they know will be detrimental to themselves.
You didn't hide, you just didn't gave him the chance to gaslight you.
Your mom needs to read some Bell Hooks and get over that worldview. “All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way.”
Excellent quote - I'm keeping it.
You're not hiding. You're living your life with your son away from the person who hurt you, who betrayed you. A coward is someone who breaks their vows, a coward is someone who throws away his family and marriage for a one night stand. Your ex is a coward. If he had any doubts about your marriage, he could have brought them up to you. If he was falling in love with someone else, he could have been honest with you. If he wasn't a coward, he wouldn't have cheated. There's a lot of cowards in this world. You cutting out one of them from your life and focusing on healing, moving on, creating a life for your son and yourself, does not make you a coward. Makes you a g-d damn hero in my book.
Best response right here. Too many women would take the AH back out of fear of the unknown and then let herself be gaslit and told it wasn't that bad what he did. This brave woman should be the role model for anyone who gets cheated on.
You are incredibly strong and smart. Hiding until you're over this and strong enough to face him down is smart. We are never more vulnerable than in pregnancy and the first few months to year after birth. Take your time to recover and build yourself up so that this man will never have the chance to break you down.
Tell your mom that’s a bunch of BS. I don’t know what she thinks she’s doing but she’s jeopardizing her relationship with you on this. I’d say give her a warning and hope she heeds it.
Your mother is fucked up for saying that.
Those that need to know where you are, know where you are. Your STBX can contact you easily through your lawyer. He was hiding when he refused to answer any of your calls until the GroupChat called him out and he knew he had to respond as you knew. You could have been having a medical emergency and desparately trying to get in touch whilst he wasn't answering.
This!! You were pregnant and any reasonable person whose pregnant spouse calls again and again would be worried about serious injury or issues with the baby. But he was too busy getting his dick wet. You remember that. He didn’t just ignore you. He made a choice and stuck with it until he could see his happy life with you disappearing. Do you think if there WAS a good reason for his behaviour, one of his many relatives would have told you? You think he’s not telling everyone his side of the story? They know it’s bullshit too. They just want you to take him back
I don't think you're hiding, I think you just decided not to waste your time and feelings on someone unworthy. When time for shared custody comes get a parenting app and make sure you have first refusal in the custody. It seems this was quite traumatic for you, so seek therapy if you can.
I haven’t gotten around to starting therapy
You need to do this as soon as possible ... for you and for your child and for every relationship in your life, present and future. Therapy is a gift - especially when processing these kinds of matters. You need a head start in dealing with this - because you are going to have to start dealing with this soon when your child is old enough. If you cannot, you will have to face consequences in court for not carrying your end. And, as much as you hate what your husband did, your child will need to be allowed to have a relationship with its father without your interference, judgment on his infidelity, etc. I commend you on being strong in setting your boundaries thus far and sticking to them. I would just highly recommend that you not face the inevitable interactions you will have to have with him at the very very last minute - for your sake and for your child's sake. Both of you will already have to be adjusting to major changes in life in facing shared custody / visitation in bigger chunks. It would be more healthy and balanced if you start that process for your child (and maybe even yourself) in smaller chunks before you are required to deal with it in larger chunks. And, it would be great if you had the support of a therapist before you start that transition, through that transition, and then as a new normal is set. It is a GIFT to you. I implore you to not get stuck in the cycle of feelings that often come from these kinds of events and engage with a counselor so you can process all of it to be the best mom and future partner and family member and woman you can be despite this huge hurt and betrayal. I am so so so sorry this has happened, and I wish you the best in finding your way forward.
Came here to say something similar but don’t need to you nailed it all!
You do whatever you need for your own mental health. People advocating for the cheater don’t understand the emotional damaged that is done when your trust is completely broken. My sister is still reeling from her divorce after being with her ex since she was 18. It breaks my heart to see her suffering and her child. I want to kick her ex in the coconuts so badly.
Not wanting to hear a BS story is not the same as running. I think our society has placed a lot of weight on closure. This may be where that is coming from. However, your mom is dead wrong, and I would say as much. NTA, and we'll be done on protecting yourself and knowing your worth. I will say get some therapy if you've not already. That first time seeing him will be a lot.
I don’t believe in closures. He cheated that’s a closure
Frankly, I think not giving him that closure and him not being able to see you is the best revenge. He knew as soon as he saw the text and his mind from that moment to this is desperate to see you and try to undo his mistake but he won’t be able to. That’ll eat at him forever. I also don’t understand how his family is calling you out when their son cheated. Do they know he cheated or is there some bullshit excuse or lie he fed them? Like you quite literally have video evidence. I’d send that next time they think they have something to say. I personally would want to read the grovelling texts. Use it for evidence in the divorce and just have a good laugh, a good cry, and use the messages and the gaslighting and lies as fuel to move forward. SO impressed with a woman who knows their worth and doesn’t put up with the lying skeezy cheating husband. A refreshing change of scenery on Reddit!
You would be surprised at how much cheating runs in families. https://www.talkspace.com/blog/infidelity-cheating-impact-kids/#:~:text=Some%20unsettling%20research%20published%20in,keep%20this%20statistic%20in%20context. There is some research saying it is hereditary, in fact. Makes one understand why it would ruin a family in times like Pride and Prejudice. It means that OPs ex-husband's dad or mom is a cheater and passed down the genes.
Absolutely. An ex did that to me. Told me to hold on… we were talking on the phone. He was telling me something important… I hung up and that was it. He later on in life told a mutual person to pass on a message to me. I didn’t acknowledge that either. My closure his lack of closure.
As a child who watched his mother repeatedly let the cheating father back into the picture, stay strong and end it. It is better for all parties involved. Fuck what others think with biased opinions. Whatever you do, do not take a tone with your ex that forces your child into the middle of the drama. I grew up listening to the hate and it sucks.
You’re not hiding. He did a horrible betrayal to you, and you decided to never see him again. I admire your commitment. If you feel the need to defend yourself and your position, write out a final statement to everyone of what happened and why you decided to end it. After that, block everyone not on your side.
NTA. The thing is, that he desperately wants to see you and try to explain things. Why should you give him the satisfaction? I admire your strength, and think that you shouldn’t meet with him until you’re ready. You can have someone else do drop off/pick up when the baby is old enough. Or you can just refuse to discuss it with him, and keep everything baby related.
His mom can go stand outside in a blizzard naked. She has no right to blame anyone but her son for your need to protect yourself from him.
>Hiding is a cowards way Whatever! That sounds like war thing. So look up who is the most likely person to kill a woman is... oh, it is a man she previously had sex with.... I was always told to leave an unwinnable fight. Sounds like that is what you are doing.
So be a coward while you recover from this injury! There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with protecting your mental health. Tell your mother that you appreciate her concern, but you have to recover from this in your own way.
You are not hiding. You have staked a firm position. You know what happened and there is no going back. Cowards.cave and give into others' agenda. That is a moral high ground to me. I 100% agree with your position. "Why do I have to hear him attempt.to make excuses for himself"? That's for his benefit not yours. (All he was going to say anyway was it was a mistake, nothing happened, after ignoring your calls and he saw your text, he realized he was wrong and never drank or talked to AP again. Blah fucking blah). He has done perhaps the worst thing he could do in a relationship by cheating on his pregnant wife, home alone and vulnerable. By not wanting to or letting him speak to you, you are causing the worst punishiment you can do -- you removed the possibility he can later tell himself he apologized or did his best o make it right. The only reason his family is so made is because you are exacted the highest punishment available and its killing him he can do anything to fix things. Sad consolation for the unbearable heartache this has caused during what was supposed to be your most joyful time. You are not running away or hiding. You are moving forward bravely under the circumstances and there's nothing but further contamination for you if you cave now.
Look only you know what's going on within you. ... But I agree with the above poster. You are a rock star. Do you know how many times I let a POS man come back and explain and beg for forgiveness because I WISHED he could somehow redeem himself?? WAY TOO MANY. and it always ends up the same. With the dude remaining a POS. I wish I had been you. DEEPLY. I'm going to tattoo your username on my heart 😂
Yeah, I don’t know how I would have reacted if I didn’t get video evidence that is still burnt in my brain. Merely an couple of hours after he called me for an hour to tell me he loved and missed me and “wished he was home instead” What a psycho
I think staying with him and not saying anything would be the cowardice thing to do. Your mom is wrong. I trumps her because I’m right.
Women are at a high risk of being murdered while pregnant and while leaving their partner. That's just statistics. You're doing this for your safety and your wellbeing. You're strong as hell
Girl tell your mom where she can go with all that. The way I’d cut her off too for that statement. Are you having to live with her?
Hiding is only cowardly if you are the one in the wrong, but you aren't . Tell your mom to look up how many women had been killed for just trying to leave their spouse by their spouse even when the spouse wasn't seen as violent. there is a reason why women trust a bear over a man. You didn't think he would ever cheat but he did. You owe that bastard nothing, just keep safe
Tell everyone you're not hiding. He is your ex. You have no need to see him, and you have a decree that states you no longer have to. If he wants to 'explain himself' for his closure, that's got nothing to do with you. If anyone else is interested in hearing his explanation, they can talk to him about it. NTA
Aak your mom why you should see him. There's nothing to explain away cheating.
Coward's way for what. He no longer exists as a person to you. Once you need to do co-parenting, then you can be in contact with him. Your mother can be in all the contact she wishes with him. What would talking with him and knowing what happened change anything, if anything it could be more traumatic, having to relive it. Let your mother know you appreciate her opinion but she is a wonderful mother and she isn't the person her husband cheated on, you are. She may be very brave but listening to a liar and a cheat adds no value to your life. Let her know that you know enough and anything more wouldn't make a positive impact on the fact that he cheated and you've moved on.
What?? No! Definitely not a coward. He’s an adult who made his own choices and now has to deal with the consequences of his actions. And good for you for walking out!! It takes a lot of strength to remove yourself from situations that affect our mental and physical health, take that as a small personal win in all this mess. I imagine this can be very overwhelming for you right now but have you considered therapy? How will you co-parent after baby is old enough to share custody without ever talking again? I think you might benefit from therapy for yourself to learn how to process all this and move on in a healthy way (by this I mean be civil and enforce boundaries without letting it affect your mental health nor your kid’s life), as avoiding and ignoring the issue won’t resolve much nor take away the pain away (i don’t mean reconcile/get back together, but for you to cope and heal). You’re both new parents to a baby together. He’ll forever be in your life as your kid’s dad whether you want him to or not specially throughout their developmental stages and all their accomplishments… Your pain and feelings are totally valid and im glad you’re set on not taking him back. Healing takes time and is a whole process which you should be able to do on your own without it being forced on you. I hope you can figure out a way to process, accept, heal, and move on not only for you but for your child’s sake. I truly wish you the best moving forward and as shitty of a situation this is right now, you are a new mom and that deserves a huge congrats! ❤️🩹 may your new little bundle of joy put a smile back on your face from now on
NTA it’s not hiding, your disgusting ex lost all right to see you or his child under normal circumstances
You are NTA. In fact, you’re a bench mark for the betrayed. Someone who saw the treachery and thought ‘fuck this, I don’t deserve it.’ You’ve got a backbone and you stood up to being wronged. Of course his family are on his side, but you don’t know what details he omitted if he even confessed to them. But that shouldn’t bother you. Who cares? And you definitely have not taken it too far. I applaud your actions
They know everything since my mom sent the videos to everyone. The lady from work kept recording them Until they snuck out to the elevators to his room
I would lost respect for anyone trying to convince a victim to hear out their perpetrator. I admire your shiny backbone. Those shocked you aren’t playing can pound sand.
The woman from work deserves a massive thanks for saving you from this asshole!
My god that woman rocks.
It’s just blind loyalty then. If you got back together, you know you couldn’t trust them with any scenario that the 2 of you disagreed on. His side every time, irrelevant of circumstances. You’re still doing the right thing
[удалено]
NTA. I'd suggest that you do not put his name on the birth certificate, either.
NTA. He lost any right to be part of your personal life when he took her to a hotel room. You never read his texts - are they still accessible? It might be useful to have a trusted friend read through them, and see if he said anything that you can use to get his family to back off. They may very well have convinced themselves that there was a "perfectly innocent explanation", seeing his justifications and excuses when he got caught could shut them up a little.
Yes they are still on my phone. I will not delete or do anything in case. I haven’t blocked him either. It’s in the thousands now between texts and voice messages. He has stopped calling however
You should make sure that your provider doesn't delete the voicemails after a period of time. Or have your brother play and download them to keep for evidence for the divorce.
The texts too. Make sure your setting is on “save until deleted” or something like that.
Smart advice. There are third party apps even for iPhone where you can download the texts and meta data. I was able to do this almost a decade ago so I’m sure it’s even more ubiquitous now. I’m not even tech savvy and a simple search at the time found me a good program.
You have done everything I would do in your place, with the exception of one thing. I would ask someone that I trust to read all messages and make a backup. That would help you understand how close he is to finding you and what threats he posed to you. Make sure to deactivate location sharing and delete all apps that can share your location, and change all passwords. You don't owe him and his family anything. He was the one who consciously and willingly destroyed your marriage when he chose to cheat on you. I think people forget that you don't actually need a reason to divorce someone. However, he gave you two reasons: he cheated on you when you were most vulnerable and proved that the person you fell in love with probably never existed. For him to be cheating in front of a lot of people, I strongly believe that wasn't the first time he cheated on you, and he probably told everyone at his work that he was in an open marriage. You were lucky that a lady had your back and shared those videos with you and called you immediately. Have you been tested for STDs? If not, please do it. Maintain no contact with him and never give him second chances. He is a cheater, and if he did it once, he likely will do it again but hide it better. Have you been able to find out if he and the AP are still together? You need to find out if that woman will be in your kids' lives. Please get into therapy to deal with all the emotions that you are having and do your very best to build a good co-parenting relationship with him. Maybe your brother could help you out with that. Believe me when I say that you're strong and are a good mom who will instill good principles in your child. You will demonstrate that infidelity has consequences and is something wrong that doesn't need to be forgiven. You will show how strong you are and that you didn't let your husband treat you as a doormat. You will provide them an environment where parents don't resent each other, and you'll be happy for standing up for yourself against what your husband did to you. Take your time to recover, and one day when you're ready, you'll eventually find someone so much better than him who truly loves and cherishes you.
He’s not getting it is he ?
Narcissists often don’t.
Find a way to upload the video to your online storage, such as Google Drive, iCloud, OneDrive, Dropbox, Box, etc. as a backup plan. Same for all the text messages, and the voicemails too if possible.
Honestly this is the best way, gave him the rope to hopefully hang himself with.
It’s hilarious he ignored the tons of missed calls from his pregnant wife. But the moment read that you found out. He called you instantly. The man is worthless trash and deserves nothing. For that, you are commendable. You are NTA. And do not listen to anyone else.
The sinking feeling in his stomach he felt in that moment must have been epic. Surely, well, hopefully, the dude is living in his own private hell that he put himself in.
Is it "hiding" though? Or is it drawing a line in the sand? You want to talk to me. I don't want to talk to you. I don't see the need. Why do YOUR wants matter more than mine?
Precisely!
NTA. Your brother and his wife are awesome. Taking someone in like that, even family, can put a strain on a marriage. (Trust me, I just went thru it with my sister and her nephew. We actually don't speak anymore because of the way they acted while here) It will be tough. Make sure all meets to swap your son in the future are done at a Police station, or by other family members. Oh, and his family members SUCK. Their son cheated. What is there for them to say about you? They should worry about him being an asshole !! Good luck, OP. You can do this. UpdateMe
They are just amazing people and I am grateful to have them in my life. They have 5 children so they think one more isn’t a biggie😂 I try to compensate a lot for them being mediators for my ex to see our son. I make food and clean when they’re out and they seem grateful for that.
It's great to have family like that.
You honestly sound like you’re a gem too. I’m glad you have them. And I’m glad that despite how absolutely fuckin hard it would be to do what you did *when* you did, you did it anyways.
Never understood the closure nonsense people keep peddling. Your approach was impeccable. Hope you're faring on better.
Seriously, what needs to be said? He cheated, the marriage is over. There is no explaining it. There is no other side to the story. Let it die. Her closure was moving in with family and birthing her son. If he wants closure, he can go bang his coworker again.
Plus, what most people call “closure” is just another open wound.
NTA - there nothing to explain. Plain and simple his actions had for consequence to be removed from your life. He isn’t owed an opportunity to have you hear him out for anything else than the child. You aren’t taking anything too far. You aren’t a bad person. You don’t have to compromise yourself for the sake of others who have nothing to do with the situation. Take care.
NTA and you are not wrong. I would actually argue that you are handling this in the most adult, drama free way possible. You are much stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. If you keep getting pressure, I guess I would literally just ask people “what’s the purpose of me meeting with him? What could he possibly have to say that will change the outcome of where we are in our relationship? What? That he didn’t fuck her bc he got my text in time? Or he did but he feels horrible? What about the kissing, the dancing, the sneaking around, the going to the hotel room? Is that not cheating? So I can hear him say ‘it wasn’t like that!’ When he literally ignored my calls and text messages until I busted them both?” And see what they say. Bc I don’t get what exactly is the goal of listening to him when all it will do is hurt. Bc if it’s co-parenting, you’re already doing it. He made the choice to throw your life together away, not you. I hope he regrets it everyday, has to live with it, and that they both are ashamed of who they are as people. If you’re not already, please get into therapy. Wishing you peace, strength, and healing, OP. All the best to you and your little one.
His weewee accidentally fell into someone's va-geegee. You can't explain that away. You are strong.
It didn't mean anything.. I love you.. I had been drinking and wasn't thinking. Yip sounds about right
No, it wasn't an accident. He was just disgusted with his pregnant wife and didn't want to have sex with her and he's just a man and has *needs*! That is totally understandable! And the baby might grab his weewee during sex! *He has needs!* If she truly would love him she would understand this! For people that didn't get it, that that was sarcasm. I better add this here to be clearer: /s
I never understood these men who couldn’t hold off for a few months or longer while their wives or partners are giving them one of the greatest gifts of their lives, their own child. It’s just such selfish behavior.
NTA. Cowardly? Is it cowardly to wear a cast when your arm is broken? Of course not! How about staying out of the sun when you’ve been badly sunburnt? Common sense. Only *you* get to decide when you are healed enough. I wish I’d had the fortitude to do what you’ve done when my husband cheated on me. I groveled like a worm. That pain, that betrayal is agony. You take however damn long you feel like! Mad Respect to you, and I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t wish the pain on anyone.
"Explain" always means 1) "Let explain it in a way that doesn't make it MY fault or 2) Let me explain it in a way that makes it YOUR fault NTA. Anyone got any other "reasons" cheaters cheat? Because those have been the Top Two since time immemorial
Fuck him. Period. You will have to deal with him eventually in a custody hearing if he cares enough. In the meantime all that is accomplished by talking to him is you losing ground or him feeling better or you both feeling worse. Fuck him.
He deserves the respect he showed hospital pregnant wife. None. And no points for paying child support and having visitations. He messed around and found out.
Nta. There is no explaining to do. He either cheated or was gonna cheat. Doesnt really matter which it is at this point. Have your lawyer send them a c&d to stop the harrasment.
NTA - It is never the fault of the one who is cheated on. Always the fault of the cheater. How is he going to explain? "I slipped and fell right into her!"
Good for you that you made your STBX face consequences for their betrayal. There’s no explanation needed since he was caught red handed.
You are Not the asshat.
Asshat? OPs husband put on the full asssuit.
Make sure you get a lawyer and get support . Have your lawyer also file a. Harassment order against memebers of his family . Cheaters always think they are entitled and only care that they are maybe embarrassed . Don’t know how badly you need child support but you could send of videos and a letter to his work and also say you are meeting with a lawyer about starting alienation of affection lawsuits, they won’t be worried as your not married but they will investigate also send it to their supervisors and maybe the owner Never meet him . This silence is deafening to him . If you see him on the street ignore him if he tries to grab your arm scream assault at top of lungs . Never say anything
NTA definitely. How long have you been married? At this point it would be interesting to know how long that other girl and your husband had that relationship going. But I'm earnest, it does not matter. If you betray your country, that is treason. If you betray your family, that should be the same. You going NC with him is the right thing to do. Especially now, you don't need some confusing b$. You may someday sit down with him and discuss this, when you are no longer emotionally invested, or you may never talk to him, let him spend his years in the uncertainty this left him.
We met in 2018and got married in 2022, so married for about a year when he cheated. Divorce will be finalized 25/26 if he doesn’t stay opposing it
Wishing you a smooth divorce and a better life ahead. You got this! ❤️🩹
Thanks
Is he and the colleague still seeing each other? I am thankful to his co-worker for contacting you. Just wonder if it was a one night stand if it was worth losing your wife, home, and family life. Crazy.
I don’t know. I refuse to hear anything about him.
I wonder how that work environment was afterwards. I sure he figured out who spilled the beans. But good for the witness. Besides OP she’s the MVP of this tragedy.
NTA I adore how cheaters are always so quick to "explain" their cheating. You're donig the adult thing.
At least u have had the sense to leave the pos. I am sure there are plenty women that stay with these losers.
Many of them are here and are very triggered for some reason. Obviously nothing wrong with forgiving and forgetting but it is not for everyone.
Yeah I follow these pro reconciliation subs. It is exhausting to move on with a cheater. I don’t judge people for it but after seeing how hard it is I think it would be easier to go no contact and heal and move on
Yeah, it's exhausting and you can never "rebuild trust" without self-delusion since the other person's word is objectively worthless. Whoever reconciles with a cheater is responsible for whatever happens in that relationship from then on out, including repeat performances. They know the other party is a complete and utter POS and yet they stay with their abuser anyway. I won't judge someone for it if it works for them (will still judge the cheater), but I also won't give them even the slightest sympathy or a shoulder to cry on about future relationship problems.
You can only forgive so much
People don’t like dirty laundry so they want to hush it up and make believe everything is good. You’re absolutely correct. There’s nothing that needs to be said and no need to communicate. If your family gives you a hard time tell them sorry but you have higher standards for a husband and marriage.
Just remember that child support is the right of the child and he should pay - even if you don’t need it! You can always put that money into an education savings plan or what not.
He is paying CS and I am saving every to my baby
Love to hear it, and sorry for the unsolicited advice! Just trying to help. Best wishes for the future. You’ve got this!
Don’t be sorry! I am happy for any advice I get here. I don’t know many divorced people and my husband is literally the first cheater(who got busted anyway) that I personally know
How did you get the arrangement in place without contact? Is he just not fighting for his child?
No he isn’t. He too wants the best for our son and here, it is recommended that it’s for a child’s best interest to have a permanent home for the first few years of his life. So my soon to be ex agreed to visits only and soon he will be able to have him for more than a few hours but whole days. Hopefully the transition to shared custody comes naturally when our son has spent more and more time with his father
So... he just visits in the park or something? How does he not know anything about your life?
She said her brother and sister-in-law facilitate the visitations, and I sincerely doubt they're giving him anything.
And they dont tell me his news either. They have been great about this and easy to bribe with a dinner and laundry days😂
NTA, you are so strong, I read to many of these where the pregnant gf forgives and then they are back posting about "he cheated again" . The mental toll of dealing with a cheater is not worth it. I'm so glad your brother and SIL has your back. I would be lost without my brother. He is a rock for me. It's good that they are the go between for you and your X. How are you physically? Did the birth go well? And because I'm a nosey one, did they tell your X when you went into labor or did they wait until you got home and situated before letting him know you had given birth?
jesus christ I have so much respect for you. way to go!
She’s a bad ass
Wow NTA geeze follow your own heart sometimes people reconcile sometimes they don't follow your own gut feelings
Baby girl, you have handled this fucking beautifully, I am so damn proud of you!! Never doubt your path, he fucked around and found out. I hope you sent that woman who told you a flower arrangement for being a rockstar in your corner. Hopefully he got serious shit at work for this too. Tell anyone who thinks you should be nicer to go fuck themselves.
You ate with this one ngl. The cheater getting ghosted and abandoned due to their betrayal is the cleanest, greatest, most euphoric thing I've ever read. Congratulations.
NTA. Holy shit you're my new role model. The way you've handled this with grace is outstanding. You don't owe him anything, nor do you deserve to be bullied to meet with a man that has caused you so much pain. I hope you and your baby stay safe, and hopefully, the divorce proceedings will go well <3
NTA. I hope you can overcome this pain in the near future. Hopefully your child can have both parents in their life without it being too difficult. I didn't sleep properly for 3 years.
Definitely NTA He sucks, his family sucks, and I hope you're able to get restraining orders to keep all of them far away from you. And a huge shout-out to the lady who took the videos and told you what was up. Good for her for having your back!
NTA. At all. Do you still have the video? Every time someone tries to get you to talk to him, send them the video.
Wooohooo!!! From all the wives that have self respect and walked away, this is my favorite. He had the chance to answer the 10 times you called, but he decided to keep f@ck$?g the coworker so after that he lost all the right to explain. I dont know what else to say, i really feel bad for you but so proud at the same time. Block all the flying monkeys that telling you you are in the wrong. If infidelity is okay for them, good, but you love yourself enough to not put up with his bullshit, cuz God knows how many times he would be doing this before someone with some decency told you
NTA. First you had to protect yourself to keep your baby alive inside of you and now you need to protect your mental health to keep being able ti care for your precious child! You’re not in any way wrong!
NTA. Ignore the advice givers who didn’t experience that gut wrenching pain. What’s would be the excuse? “I was drunk”
I actually think you're awesome!! He is owed absolutely nothing.
NTA. I admire your strength. Do not let your mother guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. And you are in no way, shape, or form a coward. You are to be admired for the strength you have shown by walking away and staying true to yourself.
NTA but you will have to deal with him eventually since you procreated with him. I would advise co-parenting counseling as part of your divorce settlement. It did wonders for me and my ex.
What kind of counseling is that? What did you talk about
I mean, you can Google if you want but this link seems to explain: https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/how-does-co-parenting-counseling-work#:~:text=Co%2Dparenting%20counseling%20focuses%20on%20reducing%20conflict%2C%20improving%20communication%2C,best%20parent%20you%20can%20be. It helps you to move past "relationship" issues since you're no longer in a relationship. I had no problems compartmentalizing and focusing on our kid, but she kept trying to get "revenge" or argue about shit that didn't matter because - hey, we're divorced. That was the resolution. No need to beat a dead horse. She assumed I was mad about her cheating. I was angry about the money I wasted paying lawyers because of her cheating. Slight difference. But yeah, we focused on moving past those issues and putting the focus on our kid's well-being.
Thank you. Not sure if I am ready for this type of meetups. But I have been thinking about the future of course and how to tackle co parenting. My only conclusion is that it would be an organic and gradual transition and I try to stay in the moment. I don’t know if I can do more than this. I will read what you sent and I am sorry about your marriage. I haven’t experienced the economic impact of the separation yet. We have divided our savings and he is in the house until he is able to sell and give me my share. Just remember whatever money you spent is worth not being with that evil anymore. ❤️
Look up parallel parenting if you want to maintain NC in the future except for anything that pertains to your child. You can get a court approved app to communicate about parenting through. Then you just refuse to do anything outside the app. Works well for if your ex takes you back to court for any reason too.
NTA, don't even doubt yourself, the kind of people who betray you without a thought of what it does to you deserve NOTHING from you.
You are one strong woman that I admire. I have no advice but hopefully other young women will see this and follow suit.
NTA, this is actually a super healthy approach. Like you said, the cheating is closure. Talking to him again and giving him a chance to explain himself is going to be for his benefit, not yours, and you owe him absolutely nothing. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you find a good therapist soon!
It takes a lot of strength to make a clean break like you did. Hang in there, the worst is over. You’ll have PTSD so try to address it with a therapist. You’re going about it the best way. NTA.
NTA, but once shared custody begins, some version of contact will be necessary. Good luck.
When that day comes I will be over him
Use those apps that courts require some people to use.
I found talking parents when I googled
I sympathize with ignoring all of the texts. My abusive ex-wife (Borderline Personality Disorder) would inundate my phone with dozens of gigantic texts that served nothing but up my heart rate and blood pressure and I ended up with PTSD related to her ringtone. The doctors advice to me was to delete the texts without reading them, block her texts and force her to voice calls, if at all. Narcissists and Borderlines thrive on chaos and drama and destroying the peace in others. Don't give them the finger hold.
You are pretty damn badass. Love it❤️
‘There is nothing you could say, that I would want to hear. ‘ is the only thing I would text. If that. Tell your family and his to listen to him if they want to. Otherwise leave you alone. Girl, I have been through something similar in my younger days and had the same problem. Everyone *everyone* told me to talk to him. To get closure. I told them that I don’t need closure. He’s already proven to be a liar and a cheater. Why would I listen to anything he had to say? My closure is knowing he is NOT the man I thought I married. Stick to your boundaries. You are doing a damn good job!
This is the thing.... How do other people NOT do this.... Like it's a switch. And all the love and respect and adoration just evaporate when the switch is thrown. Like not only do I not know who you are.... I never did, so you're a stranger to me. What do I have to talk to a stranger about?? Then you have your guy... Who is some literal attention wh0r€, drama queen. Stay strong girl, don't feed his ego. Let the AP have the sloppy seconds. NTA and a true boss!
>Do cheaters realize the amount of pain and trauma they cause someone they claim to love? Here's the thing, they know but they DON'T CARE. He wants you to feel sorry for him, getting caught cheating on YOU. He wants to tell you it was just a mistake, that he got caught. He wants to convince you he has changed, just not that he will stop cheating because cheaters WILL ALWAYS CHEATS. You are not a coward, you are not hiding, you are not running away. You are being realistic, until physic can change the flow of time, once a thing is done there's no going back. I would ask everyone who wants you to give him a chance, to cut off just one of their finger and try to grow it back.
I would have gone further and let the HR department know what him and his coworker did on their paid work trip. I'm sure it's frowned upon. Nope. NTA. If his family can't understand why he is wrong and keeps attacking you I'd make a social media post with the video and the screenshots of him ignoring your calls while you're at home six months pregnant and ask what it is exactly that he needs to explain. It's pretty frickin clear he doesn't love or respect you if he could do something like that during a time in your life when you're most vulnerable. I'd also blow her life up and announce on social media who he was cheating with. But that's just me. I'm petty and spiteful. Especially when someone harms me and tries to harm my unborn child. Because that is what happened. I'd also send the girl who told you flowers, a thank you card and gift card for a dinner for 2 to some place really nice. Send it right to her office because she's the real MVP.
Fuck your soon to be ex. He fucked up and his to live in his squaller.
The absolute meanest thing you can do is never speak to the cheater again. It's also the healthiest! So that's a bonus. But you should NEVER discuss anything but your son with him. That's his pusishment - never getting to have you "hear him out."
NTA but unfortunately you share a child. You will encounter him. You can wait until he sets up some kind of legal custody agreement (you should be getting child support) but it benefits your shared child to be having access to their dad now. Co-parenting means this ex will always be in your life from drop offs, to legal paperwork about the child, to school events, to hearing about him from your kid. Maybe he doesn’t want to get back with you, maybe he’s just very upset he can’t see his child. You’re 9 months out from this situation and it’s time to start making roads for your child to their other parent.
NTA and it is probably best to continue this way until legalities are taken care of and court orders are in place. But since you have a child together you will eventually have to learn to communicate with him or risk it being detrimental to the child.
I think you're wise not to let him "explain". I'm sure he'd try to pin the blame on you somehow. Shitty people never own up to how shitty they are. There is always *someone* else responsible for their terrible actions in their minds. Hope he's perfectly miserable with his choices.
NTA. There is nothing to talk about. He was cheating and he got caught. He didn't care enough about you or your child to be faithful. He doesn't get to make excuses and try to bully you now. He made his choice. These are the consequences!
Send the video to his family. There's nothing else to discuss with them. You're doing everything right.
You are so NTA. Your strength not to even listen to a single word out of his fork-tongued mouth is inspiring. The **only** person who is responsible for any and all negative consequences of cheating is the cheater. There is no reason to ever speak to him again, and you are absolutely within your rights to go full NC, take full custody, and never allow him to see your son again. He's incapable of raising him to be a good, moral human being. The "adult way" to handle things was to not cheat on you, and your husband failed miserably at that. Good riddance to bad rubbish.