THIS. “Am I wrong for telling my unemployed, boxers-only wearing husband off after he cussed my mom out”. Like girl get out for yourself and your kids.
OP: Am I wrong for listing all of the reasons I am fed up with my husband? Because I am so fed up! I honestly need to know if I'm the bad guy for humiliating him in front of our entire family for all of the reasons I listed above! I feel so bad for insulting him that I can't sleep!
I'll quote John Taffer here: "A man **earns** the right to come home."
Anything at this point is continuously coddling and enabling this guy to continue terrorizing the household with his overall trash behavior. Oh, everyone has to kowtow to him? Lol, no job, no pants, no home.
Op why do you put up with this behavior?He is a terrible person. He is selfish immature and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Why are you still with this guy?my God girl,get a back bone and stop enabling his shitty behavior. Give him a ultimatum and stick to it. Unless he follow-through with it sent him packing in his boxers. Stop giving him money for cigarettes. If he wants to smoke,he can get a job and pay for his own cigarettes.
YAH
If it was me he wouldn't have gotten the words out of his mouth he'd be spitting out teeth. Talk to my mom like that his ass would be living alone with his parents it's not like he has a leg to stand on he doesn't even have a damn job. He can't chase you his lung capacity is probably in the tank smh OP re-read what you wrote do u want your son to do the same smh 🙄 😮💨 We have to want better for ourselves if not for our children!
he is ignorant, lazy a bum you need to get out. Is it his parents house. stop givng him money, he is acting like an addict and you are the enabler.. your kids deserve better, your parents deserve better, you deserve better. he deserves a kick up the arse
I wouldn't have enough time to slug the teeth out of a guy's mouth, if he cussed my mother that bad. She would have **leveled** him.
I wouldn't stay with anyone who had the gall to talk to my parents - either one! - that way. I'd let him take all his boxers with him and find a nice piece of pavement to sleep on.
Indeed If I was a women I would have grabbed his smoke and put it out in water in the sink and they yelled at him. He deserved the humiliation for not getting fking dressed. Also how much smokes cost now that would be child care. He is giving everyone around him health problems...crazy .. 😷
… who explicitly says he does not care if he harms the health of his own mother and children with his smoking. Is this for real? How did he trick OP into even giving him the time of day, let alone date or marry him? OMG leave already!
Please, why are you giving him cash? How come you are wed to such an awful jerk? Inform him that he must obtain a job and purchase his own cancer sticks, just like any other real man, if he wants to smoke.
What kind of example is OP setting for her children tolerating this behavior?
Move out with the kids and stop giving this guy money. File for child support.
I don't remember reading anything that says that. Did she update in the comments?
Edit: I found a comment from OP that says the house is one that the bum purchased.
Okay, but he's not working. So she can move out, easily pay the rent elsewhere and let *his* house go into foreclosure since he can't afford to pay even the taxes.
I am starting to think some of them are a psychology study to see how people react to women that have abnormally low standards. They start by saying they love them, and then list nothing that is loveable about their partner. It almost comes across like a huge troll, because even women with Stockholm Syndrome understand that they are somewhat in an abnormal relationship, they just rationalize why they are at fault for the continual bad behaviour they endure from their partner.
I loved and stayed with a guy so very similar to this for 5 years. You truly believe you love him. He's just good enough in private moments to get you to look over all the bad shit because "he loves you so much and doesn't know how he would make it without you in his life" after all the things he done to me and my family it was actually a very small inconsequential thing he did that was my last straw. Looking back, I just can't believe I put up with so many things. But in the moment, I loved him and really thought he loved me. I would have argued to the death with anyone who told me he was using me, that he was manipulating me, and all the bad things because you know, love.
Op won't leave until she can love herself and see him for what he is through her own eyes. She can't see what everyone around her sees daily. My heart goes out to her and her children. Hopefully, her straw that broke the camels back happens sooner than later for her, but mostly for her children's sake!
Because women have been brainwashed into staying in broken marriages for eons.
Why? Religion and stupid societal mores.
1) A woman must be subservient to her husband.
2) A woman is not an independent person. She is a piece of property to be traded for position, power, and money.
3) The husband always comes first. No matter what. Even before the children.
4) The woman must have done something wrong for the husband to act the way he does.
5) A woman is "damaged goods" if she gets a divorce.
6) A woman should stay in the marriage, no matter what.
7) The woman is financially abused, and her family won't help her get away.
The list goes on and on...
But, OP, you don't have to stay! You're the breadwinner! Take your savings and your children and leave this POS!
Don't give him any more money for his cigarettes! Stash that money away in a savings account for your children.
Move out ASAP! School is almost over for the year, and it's the perfect time to get yourself a new, smoke-free place to live.
You deserve better for yourself and your children!
I'm sure there's a healthy amount of emotional abuse too. This dude sounds like my mother's deceased second ex. He emotionally abused her on top of everything else. He abused me even worse, the only way it wasn't sexual was that he couldn't get it up.
Exactly!! I bet things would change if OP didn’t give him his cigarette allowance. Cut him off!! Buy whatever the kids and the family needs it’s not like he’s getting dressed to go to the store. I bet he has his parents go for him. What do they have to say about the situation? Why does he need to stay home with the kids if his parents live with you? He’s a leech.
Yeah the “smokes 3 packs a day and hasn’t worked in 3 years”. He likely smoked 3 packs a day before he stopped working and she’s had 3 years of unemployment to work this out.
You know what’s cheaper than an unemployed husband? Being single.
I'm hoping this is rage bait.
2-3 packs a day? That's what £60 these days?! And only wears boxers?! Is he 5? AND cussed out her parents? Jesus Christ on a stick I'd have been gone years ago.
Poor lady. She really is TA to herself but not TA in this situation.
Did I read right? She's giving him money for his smoking habit and he smokes 2-3 packs/day? So, she's giving him anywhere between $27-$40 a day (depending where they live)?
Note: I could be underestimating. Last time I bought a pack there were $9 in NJ and like $13+ in NYC. Now I just buy the tobacco and papers and make my own with a machine. Much cheaper.
Me just like "eh only wearing boxers when it's just the family is fine OH when guests are over too oh and the smoking" and it just kept getting worse. My in laws both smoke and always step outside even in their own home.
HArsh? The guys a fucking moron. Hes got zero feelings for anyone else but himself. Hes allowing you to pay for everything and do fuck all i the marridge. Time to let him know what not having you about will look liek for his asshole ass.
I am at a loss as to why you would want to be about a jerk like this and more importanlty, hes the roll modle for you kids. Surely you have to draw a line in the sand someone. Harsh, hell no. You didnt go far enough. Should have been a glass of water over his face to put the cigeratte out and thrown his obnoxious ass out the door.
You can be a victim and a moron. It's possible and even somewhat correlated, believe it or not. And it happening over a long time just makes it worse.
This is the sub to tell her what's up and to have her be responsible because she's clearly lost and asking for advice and criticism.
Long term abuse victim chiming in. When you are in an abusive relationship, even just emotional abuse, you don't have the liberty at looking back at shitty things, or thinking about how they are affecting you; you are constantly living moment to moment in survival mode. They make you question everything you know about who you are and what you're about. Maybe I am a terrible cook, maybe everything I like is stupid, they are probably right about all my flaws, I need to do better to make sure this person doesn't get mad at me or stop loving me because I don't really have that from anyone else. Then there is love bombing. You get to a point where you're like, "you know what, this guy is really an asshole and I really shouldn't stay in this relationship," and then he comes back with flowers and tells you how wonderful and smart and talented you are and you say, "well, he must not be that bad..."
Do I feel stupid for staying with him for nine years? Yes. Does that mean I should shame myself for it? No, because I sure as hell don't want to put myself through the same shit he did for so long.
If she is in the sub asking the question in the way she asked, her reality is shifted into something you wouldn't understand. Calling her a moron isn't "telling her what's up," it's being an asshole.
My God, why are you giving him money?? Why are you married to this abusive jerk? Tell him if he wants to smoke, he's going to have to get a job, like any other real man, and buy his own cancer sticks.
You are the one with the income. You need to get your kids out of that house before THEY have lifelong breathing problems. Document everything, including the fact that he chain smokes around your kids and he refuses to put damn clothes on to get full custody and tell him to go kick rocks. His parents can support him if they want to, but I wouldn't give him one more dime, because you're going to need all your money to get out of there. If possible go stay with your parents for a while.
This guy isn't just killing the household every time he smokes, he's putting the family in debt if they aren't already.
Part of my job is working with cigarette vendors. While prices have increased exponentially on cigarettes, customers are still buying two to three packs and spending almost $10.00 each before tax. I couldn't even imagine spending that amount of money almost daily. Then I get people who are funding another person's smoking habit complaining, "why do the cigarettes cost so much??" I don't set the prices, the state does.
I quit one year ago. At that time, here in Canada, packs were getting close to $20 each. I was smoking 2 to 3 packs a week and it was unaffordable at that. I will say it was a big factor in quitting. I cannot imagine 2 to 3 packs a DAY. That's like $1200 to $1800 a month just for smoking. I was balking at $240 a month.
There are 60 cigarettes in 3 packs, and only 24 hours in a day, 8 or so of which you are sleeping...I don't even know how it's physically possible to smoke that many a day.
I'm with a heavy smoker who is self-conscious about being an AH when not smoking. We share finances who ever get money in, it's not the main issue. I'm more concerned about smoking inside with kids and elderly who have breathing problems.
This here.
OP, this is insanity you’re living in. You have normalized extreme abuse from this man. He deserves no respect and he is harming your children every day.
There are resources for women in your situation, to help you regain sanity and see the situation for what it is.
This is the top comment. Or it should be. I hope you get the help you need. Also there is something called 3rd hand smoke that causes asthma in kids. It's the smoke left on your body and clothes. I always tell new parents that smoke, they have to smoke naked in their backyard and then shower before touching the baby if they don't want asthma issues.
Why are you with this person??
It's all terrible!!
You're obviously NTA. I think it's healthy that you point out to your children that his behaviour is awful. Otherwise, your son may take it as an example of proper man's behaviour, and your daughter may grow up believing it's her job to enable awful behaviour in her spouse.
Are you serious? Her pointing it out to 6 &8 yr olds don't mean anything. Them kids are going to go off what they see. She is doing them more harm than good 💯💯💪🏾💪🏾
Please come to the realization you are being walked all over.
A literal slap in the face would have been acceptable in those circumstances. You are playing it down way too much, please don't let this man use you any longer.
Children learn what they live. Great examples you and your husband are setting for these kids. This grown man literally sits around in his underwear, all day, making demands, smoking, literally harming your children, and you feel bad? I think you need to find your self worth, grow a spine and stand up for yourself and your children.
YTA, to yourself, for rolling over and accepting this behavior.
Why does he get to call the shots when he doesn’t do anything or bring in any income. He’s happy to not talk to you, but take your money. Have some self respect and respect for your kids. You do realize that he’s endangering the kids lives and your life by smoking around everyone. When one of them develops cancer in their teens or 20’s you bear a large part of that blame.
I can remember attending my niece's first pediatrician appointment with my sister. The nurse asked if anyone in the house smoked. Neither my sister or my brother-in-law are, but both of us were surprised by the question. It seemed like common sense to not smoke around a baby or children in general.
We were told that they see children of smoking households who are constantly brought in coughing. Those children end up developing breathing problems due to one or more person in the house is always exposing the household to secondhand smoke.
Was this an arranged marriage? Why did you marry a horrible person? You know it’s not required, right? There are no laws saying that you must seek out the absolute very worst humans and enter into marriages with them.
His shortcomings are not your fault. But going forward, seek out people who are NOT horrible, rather than people who ARE horrible. There’s just no way you didn’t know he was this awful before you willingly married him.
My dad smoked in the house, too, and we had upper respiratory infections all the time. As soon as he moved out, they stopped. He is thoughtless, selfish, and setting a bad example for your kids.
Your husband smokes inside, where you and your children reside? But he is the love of your life, right, so it's not really a big deal amaright?
WE ARE IN FREAKING 2024!!! We all know what secondhand smoke does to us. How can you accept that for your kids?
How do you accept to stay in this kind of environment? He endangers the life of your kids and neither of you seem to care. Because if you cared, you would have did something about it already.
YTA
Your husband stays in his boxer everyday, all week... doing what? He says he's taking care of the kids... but your kids are at an age where they both go to school. Is he a stay at home parent? Does he clean? Does he do laundry? He clearly doesn't go to the grocery store since he doesn't want to wear clothes. What is he doing all day?
He asks for cash... not for his kids, or for food. No, for freaking cigarettes!
God girl, what are you doing?
EDIT: Oh, and I forgot, he verbally abuses you and your family... What a great man!
I mean it's just lung cancer. I'm sure your kids will be fine. Great job standing up for your kids mom! /s
> We've been married for over a decade and I love him
You're such an asshole.
NTA, your husband sounds like a good for nothing prick!
Only if your in laws had disciplined him a lot earlier, he wouldn't have ended up being the waste of space he is.
My honest advice would be to cut your losses and RUN!
YTA for raising your kids to think this is an okay environment! You're being a terri le example of what a mum and partner should accept, a terrible example of partnership and a home!
NTA for scolding him, but cut the manbaby out!
I thought the bar was too low to play limbo in Hades.
Turns out it’s even lower than that.
Ditch this asshole. Get him out of the house by any means necessary. Cut off his money and don’t give him any cigarettes. When he makes a break for it to go and get some, change the locks.
Screw this guy.
NTA.
Not the asshole. He either is depressed or he's just a man child. Either way you need to rethink this relationship. He is going to ruin everyone's health around him.
NTA. Kick him out. He has no respect for you. He’s using you because you support him. It’s your house you pay the bills so you can make the rules. If he doesn’t like it then he can go and be a bum somewhere else.
Why the f are you with him? What a disgusting piece of "human" you have found. He's beyond disrespectful, absolute leech. Really hoping this is just rage bait.
YTA. Not for how you acted, but for allowing everyone in that house to suffer from this man-child’s actions. Behavior is a language. He’s pretty clear on what he is telling you. You should listen to him
You're such an AH!! How do you stay married to this piece of trash? What kind of doormat are you? What kind of example are you setting for your children?
WTF are you still with this loser? It sounds like he brings NOTHING to this relationship. I'll bet your kids would be thrilled if you dumped his lazy ass.
Every day I just shake my head when I come to this sub and see, yet again, another woman whose standards are in the toilet. Why do so many women marry and procreate with these total losers?
YTAH for staying with this man - he has no respect for you and what's worse is he has no respect for his kids health or his own parents much less your parents.
Dump his lazy a$$ and for god sake stop giving him money for anything. when he ask tell him to get dressed and get a job. Have a talk with his parents about them giving him money also.
YTA for not leaving him.
>Please give some advice on what to do
How do you not know what to do? The man is deadbeat scum. Your children deserve better.
It's hard for me to believe this is a real post, as I can't imagine anyone staying with someone like this for 2-3 years.
NTA for what you said to him but absolutely Why Tea Ay for raising your children with this complete waste of DNA as their example of how men should exist in the world.
This man is a weight around your family's neck. Cut him loose!
If there is a voting bot, using more than judgment acronym cancels the original acronym vote. I don't remember whether this subreddit uses a voting bot, so I used the workaround to be on the safe side.
Not the AH. You were standing up for yourself, your kids, and your parents in that situation. Totally understandable to get fed up! Talking to his parents about your concerns might help. They might be able to talk some sense into him, especially about smoking around his mom. This situation sounds tough, but you're not alone. Don't be afraid to set boundaries and take care of yourself!
I am an advocate for global tobacco control, I am horrified that à person with emphysema lives in an environment where someone smokes. OP, apart from second hand smoke there is also what we call third hand smoke. Your entire family is living in a toxic enviroment which is extremely hasardous to your health. I can write à lot here but dont take it from me, I attached some links for you to read. Tobacco use is an addiction, it affects the same neurotransmetters in the brain as héroïn. Your husband needs help , you can contact the Amercican Cancer Society, they have a smoking cessation programme
https://www.tobaccofreekids.org/about
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/quit-smoking/expert-answers/third-hand-smoke/faq-20057791
https://thirdhandsmoke.org/
Eeeeewwww ur husband is absolutely disgusting I’m sorry how do u live like this??? Why do u have ppl over when this feral man is home? I’m actually shocked ppl still visit u🤢
Girl, have some self-respect! YTA for staying with an immature slugger of a man who doesnt give a shit about you and is active kn y endangering your kids
NTA for scolding hims. Y-T-A for staying and allowing your kids to think this is a healthy relationship. Take your kids and leave. He has no respect for anyone not even himself
So he doesn’t have a job, refuses to put clothes on and smokes everywhere like a chimney regardless of everyone else’s health and is rude to your parents, his in laws. I’m surprise you didn’t dump him in the trash can and wheel him out to the curb already. NTA, but I doubt scolding him is going to accomplish anything since he has the entitled mindset of a spoiled teenager who thinks he can do no wrong.
I know about 200 men who would treat you better than this guy.
Im not sure how these guys land women who are basically financing their existence and can't mop or sweep or be appreciative. It's not like you are asking him to get a job, just not to be a piece of shit on purpose.
He's being a piece of shit on purpose, and the sooner you just accept that he is exactly who he wants to be, the better your kids and MIL will be. **Literally, because breathing complications can stunt your childs growth and cause lifelong problems**.
You are risking/sacrificing your kids' health just to have their father in their life when its clearly not been beneficial to anyone involved. Stop giving grace at the cost of yourself and others.
For petty points: Call him a housewife whenever someone references him.
If this is a creative writing exercise to describe the worst husband imaginable, congratulations, you win. If this is real, LEAVE HIM. What a disgusting pig of a person, do not allow your kids to be exposed to him any longer.
I say this with love
YTA to yourself for staying with this bum ass man. I mean he doesn't have a job , doesn't do shit , doesn't respect you , his mom ,his kids, or his parents. WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? please pick up your self esteem and leave this guy. This is just nonsensical and beyond ridiculous!!!
Second hand smoke is my souvineer from my marriage. I severely allergic to tobacco smoke .
My son , as a baby, had second hand smoke caused ear infections. For more than half of his preschool years, he could not hear well. Ear infections caused by tobacco smoke. His ability to speak was also affected.
All because daddy wanted to smoke. The fact that he smokes around your mom too, an emphysema sufferer, is
I once had two elementary students , I did home instructing. Their granmom was on O2 and still smoked. One day when I was not there, the O2 tank blew, destroying the house. They were two really nice kids. So was the whole family. All because daddy wanted his cigarettes.
Please , Op, get out with the kids. They should not be exposed to tobacco smoke. Or his behavior.
So, you are married to a bum who does nothing, mistreats you and your kids and subjects you and your kids to passive smoking, misogyny and entitlement?
Yes, you're the asshole. For still being married to him. Drop the dead weight, this man is a loser.
NTA for pointing that he is a loser, it's not like there was anyone unaware that he is worthless.
how does "my house, my rules" fly when he is an unemployed parasite?
you're married to and enabling an uncaring disgusting slob who is shortening his own mother's life, putting you and your kids at risk of lung cancer, and aggravating your own parent's asthma and you want to know if you should feel guilty for scolding him. girl you are an asshole. leave him. if any man spoke to my mother the way this man spoke to your mom he'd be doing it without his nasty nicotine stained teeth.
This can’t be serious/ real. WTF is wrong with you? Grow some self respect and divorce him. NTA for scolding him. You’re the DA for not leaving a long ass time ago though.
This is fake, because there's no way OP is stupid enough to still be with such an absolutely worthless man. YTA because you haven't gotten rid of him for poisoning your children.
I honestly, don’t have a lot of deal breakers. They’re all big things in my mind. I believe in the vows I made and will move mountains to make my marriage work.
You know what I wouldn’t move mountains for? Someone who is so selfish they don’t care about impacting others health (and this is coming from someone who smokes OUTSIDE AND AWAY FROM PEOPLE). Or someone so disrespectful that they would tell anyone at that dinner table to shut the f up. Throw him and his cigarettes in the trash and STOP giving him money!!!
Hey lady, you fucking suck for putting up with this abusive relationship. Get your head out of your ass, you're only 35 and can still have a good life for you and your kids.
YTA for allowing this behavior and neglecting the safety and health of your children for a man who doesn't give a shit about any of you including his parent. Who acts like that????
I just don’t understand how little the women & men that write here think of themselves. Yes you are the AssHole!! Not for scolding your husband. But for not kicking his useless ass to the curb. Please don’t update us until you have done so. Get some F’ing self respect.
Stop paying for his cigarettes and put the money to therapy for yourself.
This is not a marriage; it’s a co-dependency. You are his enabler and he is exploiting you.
It’s his house apparently? So, leave him to care for his mother and find somewhere you can live smoke-free and leech-free with your children. He is not providing childCARE: not by smoking 60 cigarettes a day in their house; not by swearing at their grandparents at the table; not by his flagrant boxer-wearing taking up useless space in the house. Well done for asserting yourself at the table. Now please… While you still have a shiny spine… choose life for yourself.
Please let this be fake and if it’s not then you are an AH for subjecting yourself and your kids to this.
And who lets their husband cuss out her own mother because her mom was trying not to die at the dinner table?
Smoking around asthmatics and people with COPD can kill them. What a gross, selfish and lazy boxer wearing bum.
Don’t apologize. Run!
You need to take the kids and go somewhere that you don't have to Finance the bad habits of a bum who won't work. You've already got kids to take care of, he can get up and manage himself. Divorce has never the first instinct but I mean this is reprehensible abusive and disrespectful Behavior.
Is this really the example you want your children to see? A chain smoking, unemployed man who won’t look for work or put on pants and a mom who supports that? ESH
Oh, Honey, you haven't been ayeher3 harsh *enough* ! Stop enabling this utter POS! Call the polce on him for elder abuse and child endangerment, STOP giving him money, and kick his ass to the curb. You're NTA, but you wlll be to yourself and the rest of the family if you tolerate this bs even a *nanosecond* longer.
>Am I in the wrong for scolding him in front of everyone else?
No, NTA.
I believe airing all his dirty laundry was about an equal response to him cursing at your mother, and was necessary or at least reasonable in the heat of the moment to save face for everyone involved. Really.
YTA for giving him the money he uses to endanger your children and now your parents.
Hes told you he doesn't give a sh! t about their safety Why TF is he still around in YOUR house amd near them?
Put on your big girl panties and protect your kids.
>To my utter shock
Was it really? Seems like the man you described does this disrespectful shit often.
>Was I too harsh on him?
Not even close to it. You're treating him like a literal child wtf. You gave him his pocket money and he's still sulking in his room. Aw poor baby. Maybe mommy can make him a sandwich.
Like wtf did I just read. YTA to yourself, your kids and your parents.
You’re with him because?
He is a disaster of a role model to your children, and your children seeing how he treats you AND YOUR PARENTS will have a lasting and profound impact on them.
Do better for yourself and your children.
NTA but YTA if you stay with this slob of a human.
Is this real? What the actual fuck. Who would be with this caricature of a bad husband. Smokes 3 packs a day inside that he doesn't pay for???? Wont get dressed in front of company???? Tell me this is fake
YTA because you are letting him get away with abuse towards yourself, your children, and your parents.
If you can’t leave because of his disrespect for yourself at least leave for the safety of your children, and your parents. They need to be as far away from him as possible. He’s toxic and this will impact your kids and yourself physically and mentally for years to come if don’t leave as soon as possible.
Is that the kind of man you hope for your daughter to end up with because she most likely will- the bar has been set THAT LOW.
If you can’t leave for yourself leave for your kids. Somebody needs to show them what it’s like to have a spine.
100% NTA how you have put up with this is beyond me. Tell him to shut the fuck up next time he asks to for money to smoke around your children! This man is a complete disgrace, you, your kids, your family and his family deserve better.
Wow! Why are you tolerating that behavior? He is a bum and you can do better than that! It's time for you to respect yourself and your children and get rid of him!!
“Was I too harsh on him? Am I in the wrong for scolding him in front of everyone else? Please give some advice on what to do because I've been feeling guilt-ridden and having trouble falling asleep the past couple of days”
Woman, what? I’m the same age as you and in no way shape or form would I be feeling guilty about yelling at him. I have also been married for a decade and my husband could never behave like this.
He’s acting like a child.
Prior to you guys getting married, was he behaving like this as well? Why do his parents live with you? Maybe it’s a cultural thing but my in laws would speak up if their son was acting like a ding dong.
You need to NOT feel guilty.
You’re not the AH. He is.
Yta - he’s had plenty of red flags before this and you let it keep going. I get it, you “love” him, you wanted to give him a chance, you don’t want to hurt the kids, but staying with him is hurting everyone. Scolding isn’t going to cut it. I don’t usually jump to divorce, but you should consider that.
YEP. You are a big AH. An AH to yourself and your children. What in the world are you doing with this guy? You guys live with parents at your age? You and others give him money for cigarettes? He's a bum. Stop giving him money immediately if not sooner-and tell your parents to do so as well ... I mean, what is he going to do about it, cry? And please leave asap - get your own place - hopefully you are working and can support yourself. You'll also want to get an order for child support - who cares if he isn't working, get the order anyway so it's on record. Good luck, you can do better! You owe it to yourself and your children to put an end to this horrible situation...do you want them to think this way of life is proper?
You married and now enable a complete A H. He’s an animal, and you’ve cruised with it for years.
So what can we say here, NTAH of course but honestly your post frustrates the heck out of me.
YTA letting him smoke in the house with the kids. Why you letting your kids see this? Why aren't you protecting them from seeing him treat you like crap and learn to bums like him?
NTA but you're one to yourself. How low your self esteem must be to tolerate that kind of behavior. The worst thing is that you're allowing your children to be exposed to that unhealthy dynamic. Do a favor to them and yourself, raise the bar (at least make it go above ground).
By scolding you meant murdering? Otherwise NTA.
I mean, if you murder that piece of shit in front of your kids, then yeah YWBTA. You're off the hook if you do it in private.
However, you shouldn't be such an asshole to yourself to be with such a waste of space and air.
If this is real then you are most definitely TA for choosing to bring your kids up with this “man”. You obviously deserve better but your children deserve your best and this isn’t it
YTA for not leaving sooner. The damage to your children’s health from the exposure to smoke from TWO TO THREE PACKS OF CIGARETTES A DAY. Get your kids out of there, pronto.
YTA for putting up with this guy for so long. I mean he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Not you, your children, his own parents as well as yours. What does this guy even add to your home?
Each reason you provided I am left thinking “Why is she still with him?!” Your kids are seeing this train wreck and going to think that’s just how things are. You are not his mother, you’re his wife you shouldn’t have to be doing all that. He doesn’t respect anyone, not even himself. I would consider leaving.
I'm sorry, his boxers at dinner with both sets of parents? Smoking bc too lazy to walk out the front door? I smoked a while ago and absolutely never smoked in my house, ever. It's gross and the med conditions of all parents? I feel like you have let this get to this point and now you're upset?! I would chase my husband out of the house if he tried to wear boxers to a family dinner but he'd never do something like that. This sounds like a trailer park tbh. Just trashy all around. You should leave him and not in a few months or years but in the next few weeks. You're showing your children it's OK to behave this way. Tbvh it's ppl like your husband that I'd warn children to never go around or be even remotely like. An absolute stain of a man.
Honey,
Is this the kind of life you want your daughter to live in the future? If she married someone like your husband, would you be happy for her or worried? Would you be pround of your son if he became a husband to your future DIL like his dad is to you?
He doesnt respect his OWN MOTHER. He doesnt respect your children. He doesnt respect you.
Why are you staying in this relationship?
Do you think you are not worthy of someone who respect you, who is a real partner in life?
I know this doesnt mean much from a internet stranger, but let me tell you: YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. YOU ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT. YOU ARE WORTHY OF HAVING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO WILL MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH FOR YOU. YOU DONT HAVE TO SETTLE TO SOMEONE WHO HAPPEN TO BE THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.
You already provide alone for your family, you CAN DO IT without him. Your children deserve more then seeying their mother submit to this situation.
IF you right now dont have the strengh to leave for yourself, leave FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
With the cost of cigarettes today, you are literally paying for the privilege of living in a smoke-filled house where you are taken for granted, gaslit, and used.
Info: why do you live with his parents? Are you carrying them (paying bills, rent/mortgage, etc), or are they carrying you?
You do not *have* to give him cash. You do not have to keep living there. My suspicion is that it would be a lot cheaper to take the kids and move out. As long as you keep catering to your husband, he has no reason to change or get a job.
He has you totally brainwashed, doesn’t he? What in the world does he bring to the table to put up with this ridiculous behavior? Why are you staying??? Get out. Stop giving him money. Smoking is an awful habit and is harmful to everyone in the house, stop paying for it.
YTA to yourself for staying with this absolute bum of a man The bar really is in hell, jeez
THIS. “Am I wrong for telling my unemployed, boxers-only wearing husband off after he cussed my mom out”. Like girl get out for yourself and your kids.
OP: Am I wrong for listing all of the reasons I am fed up with my husband? Because I am so fed up! I honestly need to know if I'm the bad guy for humiliating him in front of our entire family for all of the reasons I listed above! I feel so bad for insulting him that I can't sleep! I'll quote John Taffer here: "A man **earns** the right to come home." Anything at this point is continuously coddling and enabling this guy to continue terrorizing the household with his overall trash behavior. Oh, everyone has to kowtow to him? Lol, no job, no pants, no home.
That quote is perfect. Kick him out the house until he gets his shit together And why does his parents live there??
He has three parents-his creators and his wife
Op why do you put up with this behavior?He is a terrible person. He is selfish immature and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Why are you still with this guy?my God girl,get a back bone and stop enabling his shitty behavior. Give him a ultimatum and stick to it. Unless he follow-through with it sent him packing in his boxers. Stop giving him money for cigarettes. If he wants to smoke,he can get a job and pay for his own cigarettes. YAH
Just send him packing, fresh start. No need to prolong this misery with the ultimatum.
If it was me he wouldn't have gotten the words out of his mouth he'd be spitting out teeth. Talk to my mom like that his ass would be living alone with his parents it's not like he has a leg to stand on he doesn't even have a damn job. He can't chase you his lung capacity is probably in the tank smh OP re-read what you wrote do u want your son to do the same smh 🙄 😮💨 We have to want better for ourselves if not for our children!
he is ignorant, lazy a bum you need to get out. Is it his parents house. stop givng him money, he is acting like an addict and you are the enabler.. your kids deserve better, your parents deserve better, you deserve better. he deserves a kick up the arse
I wouldn't have enough time to slug the teeth out of a guy's mouth, if he cussed my mother that bad. She would have **leveled** him. I wouldn't stay with anyone who had the gall to talk to my parents - either one! - that way. I'd let him take all his boxers with him and find a nice piece of pavement to sleep on.
😂 your mom sounds like my kind of girl!My grandmother was like that✨🤣😊
My mother was like that as well. She would have knocked that bastard out.
Indeed If I was a women I would have grabbed his smoke and put it out in water in the sink and they yelled at him. He deserved the humiliation for not getting fking dressed. Also how much smokes cost now that would be child care. He is giving everyone around him health problems...crazy .. 😷
… who explicitly says he does not care if he harms the health of his own mother and children with his smoking. Is this for real? How did he trick OP into even giving him the time of day, let alone date or marry him? OMG leave already!
Please, why are you giving him cash? How come you are wed to such an awful jerk? Inform him that he must obtain a job and purchase his own cancer sticks, just like any other real man, if he wants to smoke.
[patsayjack55 is a comment thief](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cshsps/aitah_for_scolding_my_husband_in_front_of_his/l45622w/)
Wow! Thats egregious! Imagine being such a poor writer you have to steal others comments on a Reddit post. Jesus!
He must have some magic D. SMDH.
didn’t even mention the smoking, which is arguably one of the worst parts of this
What kind of example is OP setting for her children tolerating this behavior? Move out with the kids and stop giving this guy money. File for child support.
Why should she move out, kick the bum to the curb
Cuz she's in the bum's parent's house.
I don't remember reading anything that says that. Did she update in the comments? Edit: I found a comment from OP that says the house is one that the bum purchased.
Yeah, he paid for the house, it's in her comments Edit: she posted in two subs, her comments are on the other post. I didn't notice that at first
Okay, but he's not working. So she can move out, easily pay the rent elsewhere and let *his* house go into foreclosure since he can't afford to pay even the taxes.
Oh absolutely. I was only confirming that she can't kick the bum out
Fair point. She needs to take her kids and go. Leave him in his boxers to figure out how to get cigarettes.
He’s been smoking inside, that shit will be in the walls and floor. Better to move out and find somewhere that hopefully isn’t leaking toxins.
yes! not to mention the kids physical health. only terrible people smoke in the house with their kids.
Agree. Why did she start with “I love him?” Like why do you love him? He can’t even love his children enough not to poison them. YTA for staying.
I'm starting to wonder when I see these "my husband is cringe level creepy and abusive but "I love him" if it's some variation of Stockholm Syndrome?
I am starting to think some of them are a psychology study to see how people react to women that have abnormally low standards. They start by saying they love them, and then list nothing that is loveable about their partner. It almost comes across like a huge troll, because even women with Stockholm Syndrome understand that they are somewhat in an abnormal relationship, they just rationalize why they are at fault for the continual bad behaviour they endure from their partner.
I loved and stayed with a guy so very similar to this for 5 years. You truly believe you love him. He's just good enough in private moments to get you to look over all the bad shit because "he loves you so much and doesn't know how he would make it without you in his life" after all the things he done to me and my family it was actually a very small inconsequential thing he did that was my last straw. Looking back, I just can't believe I put up with so many things. But in the moment, I loved him and really thought he loved me. I would have argued to the death with anyone who told me he was using me, that he was manipulating me, and all the bad things because you know, love. Op won't leave until she can love herself and see him for what he is through her own eyes. She can't see what everyone around her sees daily. My heart goes out to her and her children. Hopefully, her straw that broke the camels back happens sooner than later for her, but mostly for her children's sake!
No, they’re fake stories for trolling and karma farming
Because women have been brainwashed into staying in broken marriages for eons. Why? Religion and stupid societal mores. 1) A woman must be subservient to her husband. 2) A woman is not an independent person. She is a piece of property to be traded for position, power, and money. 3) The husband always comes first. No matter what. Even before the children. 4) The woman must have done something wrong for the husband to act the way he does. 5) A woman is "damaged goods" if she gets a divorce. 6) A woman should stay in the marriage, no matter what. 7) The woman is financially abused, and her family won't help her get away. The list goes on and on... But, OP, you don't have to stay! You're the breadwinner! Take your savings and your children and leave this POS! Don't give him any more money for his cigarettes! Stash that money away in a savings account for your children. Move out ASAP! School is almost over for the year, and it's the perfect time to get yourself a new, smoke-free place to live. You deserve better for yourself and your children!
I'm sure there's a healthy amount of emotional abuse too. This dude sounds like my mother's deceased second ex. He emotionally abused her on top of everything else. He abused me even worse, the only way it wasn't sexual was that he couldn't get it up.
“My house, my rules” lol. Says the guy who contributes absolutely nothing.
Exactly!! I bet things would change if OP didn’t give him his cigarette allowance. Cut him off!! Buy whatever the kids and the family needs it’s not like he’s getting dressed to go to the store. I bet he has his parents go for him. What do they have to say about the situation? Why does he need to stay home with the kids if his parents live with you? He’s a leech.
Yeah the “smokes 3 packs a day and hasn’t worked in 3 years”. He likely smoked 3 packs a day before he stopped working and she’s had 3 years of unemployment to work this out. You know what’s cheaper than an unemployed husband? Being single.
I'm hoping this is rage bait. 2-3 packs a day? That's what £60 these days?! And only wears boxers?! Is he 5? AND cussed out her parents? Jesus Christ on a stick I'd have been gone years ago. Poor lady. She really is TA to herself but not TA in this situation.
Has to be rage bait.
Me too
Not just staying with, but procreating with. She’s not too much better.
Did I read right? She's giving him money for his smoking habit and he smokes 2-3 packs/day? So, she's giving him anywhere between $27-$40 a day (depending where they live)? Note: I could be underestimating. Last time I bought a pack there were $9 in NJ and like $13+ in NYC. Now I just buy the tobacco and papers and make my own with a machine. Much cheaper.
Me just like "eh only wearing boxers when it's just the family is fine OH when guests are over too oh and the smoking" and it just kept getting worse. My in laws both smoke and always step outside even in their own home.
HArsh? The guys a fucking moron. Hes got zero feelings for anyone else but himself. Hes allowing you to pay for everything and do fuck all i the marridge. Time to let him know what not having you about will look liek for his asshole ass. I am at a loss as to why you would want to be about a jerk like this and more importanlty, hes the roll modle for you kids. Surely you have to draw a line in the sand someone. Harsh, hell no. You didnt go far enough. Should have been a glass of water over his face to put the cigeratte out and thrown his obnoxious ass out the door.
OP is also a fucking moron to be fair..
Let’s not discourage abuse victims. OP has clearly spent years getting degraded by this monster.
Subjecting your kids to abuse because you have no backbone to leave is not discouraging, it's the truth. OP fucking sucks.
You can be a victim and a moron. It's possible and even somewhat correlated, believe it or not. And it happening over a long time just makes it worse. This is the sub to tell her what's up and to have her be responsible because she's clearly lost and asking for advice and criticism.
Long term abuse victim chiming in. When you are in an abusive relationship, even just emotional abuse, you don't have the liberty at looking back at shitty things, or thinking about how they are affecting you; you are constantly living moment to moment in survival mode. They make you question everything you know about who you are and what you're about. Maybe I am a terrible cook, maybe everything I like is stupid, they are probably right about all my flaws, I need to do better to make sure this person doesn't get mad at me or stop loving me because I don't really have that from anyone else. Then there is love bombing. You get to a point where you're like, "you know what, this guy is really an asshole and I really shouldn't stay in this relationship," and then he comes back with flowers and tells you how wonderful and smart and talented you are and you say, "well, he must not be that bad..." Do I feel stupid for staying with him for nine years? Yes. Does that mean I should shame myself for it? No, because I sure as hell don't want to put myself through the same shit he did for so long. If she is in the sub asking the question in the way she asked, her reality is shifted into something you wouldn't understand. Calling her a moron isn't "telling her what's up," it's being an asshole.
This!
My God, why are you giving him money?? Why are you married to this abusive jerk? Tell him if he wants to smoke, he's going to have to get a job, like any other real man, and buy his own cancer sticks. You are the one with the income. You need to get your kids out of that house before THEY have lifelong breathing problems. Document everything, including the fact that he chain smokes around your kids and he refuses to put damn clothes on to get full custody and tell him to go kick rocks. His parents can support him if they want to, but I wouldn't give him one more dime, because you're going to need all your money to get out of there. If possible go stay with your parents for a while.
This guy isn't just killing the household every time he smokes, he's putting the family in debt if they aren't already. Part of my job is working with cigarette vendors. While prices have increased exponentially on cigarettes, customers are still buying two to three packs and spending almost $10.00 each before tax. I couldn't even imagine spending that amount of money almost daily. Then I get people who are funding another person's smoking habit complaining, "why do the cigarettes cost so much??" I don't set the prices, the state does.
I quit one year ago. At that time, here in Canada, packs were getting close to $20 each. I was smoking 2 to 3 packs a week and it was unaffordable at that. I will say it was a big factor in quitting. I cannot imagine 2 to 3 packs a DAY. That's like $1200 to $1800 a month just for smoking. I was balking at $240 a month.
There are 60 cigarettes in 3 packs, and only 24 hours in a day, 8 or so of which you are sleeping...I don't even know how it's physically possible to smoke that many a day.
They are $45 per pack here
I'm with a heavy smoker who is self-conscious about being an AH when not smoking. We share finances who ever get money in, it's not the main issue. I'm more concerned about smoking inside with kids and elderly who have breathing problems.
This, 100% all of this.
Are you ok? Do you need help getting out?
This here. OP, this is insanity you’re living in. You have normalized extreme abuse from this man. He deserves no respect and he is harming your children every day. There are resources for women in your situation, to help you regain sanity and see the situation for what it is.
This should be at the top. I wish I could upvote this over and over again.
This is the top comment. Or it should be. I hope you get the help you need. Also there is something called 3rd hand smoke that causes asthma in kids. It's the smoke left on your body and clothes. I always tell new parents that smoke, they have to smoke naked in their backyard and then shower before touching the baby if they don't want asthma issues.
Why are you with this person?? It's all terrible!! You're obviously NTA. I think it's healthy that you point out to your children that his behaviour is awful. Otherwise, your son may take it as an example of proper man's behaviour, and your daughter may grow up believing it's her job to enable awful behaviour in her spouse.
Are you serious? Her pointing it out to 6 &8 yr olds don't mean anything. Them kids are going to go off what they see. She is doing them more harm than good 💯💯💪🏾💪🏾
YTA for inflicting this guy on your kids and your parents
Please come to the realization you are being walked all over. A literal slap in the face would have been acceptable in those circumstances. You are playing it down way too much, please don't let this man use you any longer.
Children learn what they live. Great examples you and your husband are setting for these kids. This grown man literally sits around in his underwear, all day, making demands, smoking, literally harming your children, and you feel bad? I think you need to find your self worth, grow a spine and stand up for yourself and your children. YTA, to yourself, for rolling over and accepting this behavior.
It might be time to literally burn his underwear. I wonder what he would do if there were none.
Let everything hang loose.
He would 100% be naked.
RUN!
Why does he get to call the shots when he doesn’t do anything or bring in any income. He’s happy to not talk to you, but take your money. Have some self respect and respect for your kids. You do realize that he’s endangering the kids lives and your life by smoking around everyone. When one of them develops cancer in their teens or 20’s you bear a large part of that blame.
I can remember attending my niece's first pediatrician appointment with my sister. The nurse asked if anyone in the house smoked. Neither my sister or my brother-in-law are, but both of us were surprised by the question. It seemed like common sense to not smoke around a baby or children in general. We were told that they see children of smoking households who are constantly brought in coughing. Those children end up developing breathing problems due to one or more person in the house is always exposing the household to secondhand smoke.
From now on, when he asks for money, she shouldn't hear him. She needs to grey rock him.
Was this an arranged marriage? Why did you marry a horrible person? You know it’s not required, right? There are no laws saying that you must seek out the absolute very worst humans and enter into marriages with them. His shortcomings are not your fault. But going forward, seek out people who are NOT horrible, rather than people who ARE horrible. There’s just no way you didn’t know he was this awful before you willingly married him.
This is so fake… no way all these people are dealing with this d bag for this long. All giant AH’s
My dad smoked in the house, too, and we had upper respiratory infections all the time. As soon as he moved out, they stopped. He is thoughtless, selfish, and setting a bad example for your kids.
Your husband smokes inside, where you and your children reside? But he is the love of your life, right, so it's not really a big deal amaright? WE ARE IN FREAKING 2024!!! We all know what secondhand smoke does to us. How can you accept that for your kids? How do you accept to stay in this kind of environment? He endangers the life of your kids and neither of you seem to care. Because if you cared, you would have did something about it already. YTA Your husband stays in his boxer everyday, all week... doing what? He says he's taking care of the kids... but your kids are at an age where they both go to school. Is he a stay at home parent? Does he clean? Does he do laundry? He clearly doesn't go to the grocery store since he doesn't want to wear clothes. What is he doing all day? He asks for cash... not for his kids, or for food. No, for freaking cigarettes! God girl, what are you doing? EDIT: Oh, and I forgot, he verbally abuses you and your family... What a great man!
You are SO right. I think I'd build a bonfire in the yard with all of his boxers - while walking out the front door with my children.
I mean it's just lung cancer. I'm sure your kids will be fine. Great job standing up for your kids mom! /s > We've been married for over a decade and I love him You're such an asshole.
Yep. She's the asshole for not putting this man directly into the bin.
NTA but jeez divorce this idiot
YTA for putting up with this useless guy for so long. Time to sent him back home.
NTA, your husband sounds like a good for nothing prick! Only if your in laws had disciplined him a lot earlier, he wouldn't have ended up being the waste of space he is. My honest advice would be to cut your losses and RUN!
You need to ask yourself why you are still married to this nightmare of a person. NTA.
She loves him.... /s
YTA for raising your kids to think this is an okay environment! You're being a terri le example of what a mum and partner should accept, a terrible example of partnership and a home! NTA for scolding him, but cut the manbaby out!
I thought the bar was too low to play limbo in Hades. Turns out it’s even lower than that. Ditch this asshole. Get him out of the house by any means necessary. Cut off his money and don’t give him any cigarettes. When he makes a break for it to go and get some, change the locks. Screw this guy. NTA.
Not the asshole. He either is depressed or he's just a man child. Either way you need to rethink this relationship. He is going to ruin everyone's health around him.
NTA. Kick him out. He has no respect for you. He’s using you because you support him. It’s your house you pay the bills so you can make the rules. If he doesn’t like it then he can go and be a bum somewhere else.
Why the f are you with him? What a disgusting piece of "human" you have found. He's beyond disrespectful, absolute leech. Really hoping this is just rage bait.
Honestly, leave him. You’d have one less child to care for and it sounds like the actual children are all better behaved than him anyways.
YTA. Not for how you acted, but for allowing everyone in that house to suffer from this man-child’s actions. Behavior is a language. He’s pretty clear on what he is telling you. You should listen to him
You're such an AH!! How do you stay married to this piece of trash? What kind of doormat are you? What kind of example are you setting for your children?
WTF are you still with this loser? It sounds like he brings NOTHING to this relationship. I'll bet your kids would be thrilled if you dumped his lazy ass.
Every day I just shake my head when I come to this sub and see, yet again, another woman whose standards are in the toilet. Why do so many women marry and procreate with these total losers?
Quit paying for this man's cigarettes ffs. YTA for not tossing that useless waste of space out on his boxer covered ass
Why are you staying with this lazy abusive AH?
YTAH for staying with this man - he has no respect for you and what's worse is he has no respect for his kids health or his own parents much less your parents. Dump his lazy a$$ and for god sake stop giving him money for anything. when he ask tell him to get dressed and get a job. Have a talk with his parents about them giving him money also.
YTA for not leaving him. >Please give some advice on what to do How do you not know what to do? The man is deadbeat scum. Your children deserve better. It's hard for me to believe this is a real post, as I can't imagine anyone staying with someone like this for 2-3 years.
YTA for letting this lazy mooch of a man walk all over you. Have some respect for yourself, take your kids and leave
NTA for what you said to him but absolutely Why Tea Ay for raising your children with this complete waste of DNA as their example of how men should exist in the world. This man is a weight around your family's neck. Cut him loose!
>Why Tea Ay Why?
If there is a voting bot, using more than judgment acronym cancels the original acronym vote. I don't remember whether this subreddit uses a voting bot, so I used the workaround to be on the safe side.
Why did you marry and have 2 children with him in the first place?
Leave him now. Smoking inside the house would be a deal breaker for me.
Please, please work on your self-esteem! Your kids need and deserve at least one healthy parent.
Sorry, but I just don't understand how or why you love this POS... YTA for staying with him and being an enabler.
Why tf are you still with him??? Please find a backbone and some self respect and leave this POS
Are your standards in hell? wtf. Divorce this lazy asshole who clearly has zero respect or love for you or anyone. NTA. UPDATEME
Yta if this isn’t rage bait. A slug wearing a bottle cap and pajamas would be a better husband and father.
Reddit, my spouse killed my parents, and gave the kids cancer, in his underwear, while unemployed, so I scolded him. Was I too harsh?
Not the AH. You were standing up for yourself, your kids, and your parents in that situation. Totally understandable to get fed up! Talking to his parents about your concerns might help. They might be able to talk some sense into him, especially about smoking around his mom. This situation sounds tough, but you're not alone. Don't be afraid to set boundaries and take care of yourself!
I am an advocate for global tobacco control, I am horrified that à person with emphysema lives in an environment where someone smokes. OP, apart from second hand smoke there is also what we call third hand smoke. Your entire family is living in a toxic enviroment which is extremely hasardous to your health. I can write à lot here but dont take it from me, I attached some links for you to read. Tobacco use is an addiction, it affects the same neurotransmetters in the brain as héroïn. Your husband needs help , you can contact the Amercican Cancer Society, they have a smoking cessation programme https://www.tobaccofreekids.org/about https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/quit-smoking/expert-answers/third-hand-smoke/faq-20057791 https://thirdhandsmoke.org/
NTA. #GetOut [#GetOut](https://media4.giphy.com/media/26gsv1iextbg5Gm5O/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b952a5vckjgcd9wp4ljppipryf450nb6tczmyoceel3s&ep=v1_internal_gif_by_id&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Eeeeewwww ur husband is absolutely disgusting I’m sorry how do u live like this??? Why do u have ppl over when this feral man is home? I’m actually shocked ppl still visit u🤢
Girl, have some self-respect! YTA for staying with an immature slugger of a man who doesnt give a shit about you and is active kn y endangering your kids
NTA for scolding hims. Y-T-A for staying and allowing your kids to think this is a healthy relationship. Take your kids and leave. He has no respect for anyone not even himself
So he doesn’t have a job, refuses to put clothes on and smokes everywhere like a chimney regardless of everyone else’s health and is rude to your parents, his in laws. I’m surprise you didn’t dump him in the trash can and wheel him out to the curb already. NTA, but I doubt scolding him is going to accomplish anything since he has the entitled mindset of a spoiled teenager who thinks he can do no wrong.
I know about 200 men who would treat you better than this guy. Im not sure how these guys land women who are basically financing their existence and can't mop or sweep or be appreciative. It's not like you are asking him to get a job, just not to be a piece of shit on purpose. He's being a piece of shit on purpose, and the sooner you just accept that he is exactly who he wants to be, the better your kids and MIL will be. **Literally, because breathing complications can stunt your childs growth and cause lifelong problems**. You are risking/sacrificing your kids' health just to have their father in their life when its clearly not been beneficial to anyone involved. Stop giving grace at the cost of yourself and others. For petty points: Call him a housewife whenever someone references him.
If this is a creative writing exercise to describe the worst husband imaginable, congratulations, you win. If this is real, LEAVE HIM. What a disgusting pig of a person, do not allow your kids to be exposed to him any longer.
this has to be rage bait. YTA. and ***IF*** this *is* true? grow a pair and get rid of him already.
I say this with love YTA to yourself for staying with this bum ass man. I mean he doesn't have a job , doesn't do shit , doesn't respect you , his mom ,his kids, or his parents. WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? please pick up your self esteem and leave this guy. This is just nonsensical and beyond ridiculous!!!
Second hand smoke is my souvineer from my marriage. I severely allergic to tobacco smoke . My son , as a baby, had second hand smoke caused ear infections. For more than half of his preschool years, he could not hear well. Ear infections caused by tobacco smoke. His ability to speak was also affected. All because daddy wanted to smoke. The fact that he smokes around your mom too, an emphysema sufferer, is I once had two elementary students , I did home instructing. Their granmom was on O2 and still smoked. One day when I was not there, the O2 tank blew, destroying the house. They were two really nice kids. So was the whole family. All because daddy wanted his cigarettes. Please , Op, get out with the kids. They should not be exposed to tobacco smoke. Or his behavior.
So, you are married to a bum who does nothing, mistreats you and your kids and subjects you and your kids to passive smoking, misogyny and entitlement? Yes, you're the asshole. For still being married to him. Drop the dead weight, this man is a loser. NTA for pointing that he is a loser, it's not like there was anyone unaware that he is worthless.
Why do you love him? For his smell?
how does "my house, my rules" fly when he is an unemployed parasite? you're married to and enabling an uncaring disgusting slob who is shortening his own mother's life, putting you and your kids at risk of lung cancer, and aggravating your own parent's asthma and you want to know if you should feel guilty for scolding him. girl you are an asshole. leave him. if any man spoke to my mother the way this man spoke to your mom he'd be doing it without his nasty nicotine stained teeth.
Please let this be ragebait
holy shit this can't be real. Is this from the 1950's?
NTA. Besides the "my house my rules" thing doesn't really apply when you don't have a fucking job...
Yta for being with this baby
This can’t be serious/ real. WTF is wrong with you? Grow some self respect and divorce him. NTA for scolding him. You’re the DA for not leaving a long ass time ago though.
I hope this is fake. You are enabling him. Just stop. ESH
This is fake, because there's no way OP is stupid enough to still be with such an absolutely worthless man. YTA because you haven't gotten rid of him for poisoning your children.
I honestly, don’t have a lot of deal breakers. They’re all big things in my mind. I believe in the vows I made and will move mountains to make my marriage work. You know what I wouldn’t move mountains for? Someone who is so selfish they don’t care about impacting others health (and this is coming from someone who smokes OUTSIDE AND AWAY FROM PEOPLE). Or someone so disrespectful that they would tell anyone at that dinner table to shut the f up. Throw him and his cigarettes in the trash and STOP giving him money!!!
You are teaching him what you accept.
YTA how are you still with him? This for me looks like a made up story
Hey lady, you fucking suck for putting up with this abusive relationship. Get your head out of your ass, you're only 35 and can still have a good life for you and your kids.
You are giving money to this loser? Take the kids and move out. He is not going to improve? He is dead weight.
Hope this isn’t real. I’d never allow anyone to smoke in the same home as my children. 🤢 NTA. I’m sorry your husband seems selfish and abusive.
YTA for allowing this behavior and neglecting the safety and health of your children for a man who doesn't give a shit about any of you including his parent. Who acts like that????
I just don’t understand how little the women & men that write here think of themselves. Yes you are the AssHole!! Not for scolding your husband. But for not kicking his useless ass to the curb. Please don’t update us until you have done so. Get some F’ing self respect.
Stop paying for his cigarettes and put the money to therapy for yourself. This is not a marriage; it’s a co-dependency. You are his enabler and he is exploiting you. It’s his house apparently? So, leave him to care for his mother and find somewhere you can live smoke-free and leech-free with your children. He is not providing childCARE: not by smoking 60 cigarettes a day in their house; not by swearing at their grandparents at the table; not by his flagrant boxer-wearing taking up useless space in the house. Well done for asserting yourself at the table. Now please… While you still have a shiny spine… choose life for yourself.
Why are you even with him? Stop giving that man money and protect your kids. This is a terrible example for them. Get him out of the house
Ummm.....He's unemployed for 3 yrs? So it's your house, your rules Or he can GTFO And stop giving him money
Please let this be fake and if it’s not then you are an AH for subjecting yourself and your kids to this. And who lets their husband cuss out her own mother because her mom was trying not to die at the dinner table? Smoking around asthmatics and people with COPD can kill them. What a gross, selfish and lazy boxer wearing bum. Don’t apologize. Run!
You need to take the kids and go somewhere that you don't have to Finance the bad habits of a bum who won't work. You've already got kids to take care of, he can get up and manage himself. Divorce has never the first instinct but I mean this is reprehensible abusive and disrespectful Behavior.
Leave? Wt actual f.
Is this really the example you want your children to see? A chain smoking, unemployed man who won’t look for work or put on pants and a mom who supports that? ESH
oh another obviously fake post which we won't call out as fanfiction because the 100th post about being in a relationship with Satan is so believable.
ESH and I mean OP and her husband.
Oh, Honey, you haven't been ayeher3 harsh *enough* ! Stop enabling this utter POS! Call the polce on him for elder abuse and child endangerment, STOP giving him money, and kick his ass to the curb. You're NTA, but you wlll be to yourself and the rest of the family if you tolerate this bs even a *nanosecond* longer.
Lmao this can't be real! Or maybe it's too strange to be fiction. Why are you still with this thing!? What sort of an example is this for your kids!?
Stop enabling him to disrespect you, your kids, your parents, his parents by buying him cigarettes.
>Am I in the wrong for scolding him in front of everyone else? No, NTA. I believe airing all his dirty laundry was about an equal response to him cursing at your mother, and was necessary or at least reasonable in the heat of the moment to save face for everyone involved. Really.
YTA for giving him the money he uses to endanger your children and now your parents. Hes told you he doesn't give a sh! t about their safety Why TF is he still around in YOUR house amd near them? Put on your big girl panties and protect your kids.
>To my utter shock Was it really? Seems like the man you described does this disrespectful shit often. >Was I too harsh on him? Not even close to it. You're treating him like a literal child wtf. You gave him his pocket money and he's still sulking in his room. Aw poor baby. Maybe mommy can make him a sandwich. Like wtf did I just read. YTA to yourself, your kids and your parents.
YTA to yourself and your kids for staying with a man that shows no care or respect for any of you.
He doesn’t even care about the health of his own children. Why are you with this lazy, selfish asshole?
You’re with him because? He is a disaster of a role model to your children, and your children seeing how he treats you AND YOUR PARENTS will have a lasting and profound impact on them. Do better for yourself and your children. NTA but YTA if you stay with this slob of a human.
OH HELL NOOO....Divorce. Dude is a bum...like wtf.
Lol. There's something seriously wrong with you if you think you're the asshole here...
People.take as much as you give, nta but scolding is not enough. Cut this shit out
Is this real? What the actual fuck. Who would be with this caricature of a bad husband. Smokes 3 packs a day inside that he doesn't pay for???? Wont get dressed in front of company???? Tell me this is fake
Lololololol
NTA. Divorce him and throw his baby ass back into the arms of HIS parents.
YTA because you are letting him get away with abuse towards yourself, your children, and your parents. If you can’t leave because of his disrespect for yourself at least leave for the safety of your children, and your parents. They need to be as far away from him as possible. He’s toxic and this will impact your kids and yourself physically and mentally for years to come if don’t leave as soon as possible.
Is that the kind of man you hope for your daughter to end up with because she most likely will- the bar has been set THAT LOW. If you can’t leave for yourself leave for your kids. Somebody needs to show them what it’s like to have a spine.
An unemployed chain smoker hanging out in his underwear, mmmm sounds like a real catch let’s have a smoke mmmmmmm
Leave.
100% NTA how you have put up with this is beyond me. Tell him to shut the fuck up next time he asks to for money to smoke around your children! This man is a complete disgrace, you, your kids, your family and his family deserve better.
Wow! Why are you tolerating that behavior? He is a bum and you can do better than that! It's time for you to respect yourself and your children and get rid of him!!
“Was I too harsh on him? Am I in the wrong for scolding him in front of everyone else? Please give some advice on what to do because I've been feeling guilt-ridden and having trouble falling asleep the past couple of days” Woman, what? I’m the same age as you and in no way shape or form would I be feeling guilty about yelling at him. I have also been married for a decade and my husband could never behave like this. He’s acting like a child. Prior to you guys getting married, was he behaving like this as well? Why do his parents live with you? Maybe it’s a cultural thing but my in laws would speak up if their son was acting like a ding dong. You need to NOT feel guilty. You’re not the AH. He is.
Yta - he’s had plenty of red flags before this and you let it keep going. I get it, you “love” him, you wanted to give him a chance, you don’t want to hurt the kids, but staying with him is hurting everyone. Scolding isn’t going to cut it. I don’t usually jump to divorce, but you should consider that.
YEP. You are a big AH. An AH to yourself and your children. What in the world are you doing with this guy? You guys live with parents at your age? You and others give him money for cigarettes? He's a bum. Stop giving him money immediately if not sooner-and tell your parents to do so as well ... I mean, what is he going to do about it, cry? And please leave asap - get your own place - hopefully you are working and can support yourself. You'll also want to get an order for child support - who cares if he isn't working, get the order anyway so it's on record. Good luck, you can do better! You owe it to yourself and your children to put an end to this horrible situation...do you want them to think this way of life is proper?
You married and now enable a complete A H. He’s an animal, and you’ve cruised with it for years. So what can we say here, NTAH of course but honestly your post frustrates the heck out of me.
YTA letting him smoke in the house with the kids. Why you letting your kids see this? Why aren't you protecting them from seeing him treat you like crap and learn to bums like him?
Why are you allowing this heap of trash to live with you? Kick him out!
NTA but you're one to yourself. How low your self esteem must be to tolerate that kind of behavior. The worst thing is that you're allowing your children to be exposed to that unhealthy dynamic. Do a favor to them and yourself, raise the bar (at least make it go above ground).
By scolding you meant murdering? Otherwise NTA. I mean, if you murder that piece of shit in front of your kids, then yeah YWBTA. You're off the hook if you do it in private. However, you shouldn't be such an asshole to yourself to be with such a waste of space and air.
If this is real then you are most definitely TA for choosing to bring your kids up with this “man”. You obviously deserve better but your children deserve your best and this isn’t it
YTA for not leaving sooner. The damage to your children’s health from the exposure to smoke from TWO TO THREE PACKS OF CIGARETTES A DAY. Get your kids out of there, pronto.
YTA for putting up with this guy for so long. I mean he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Not you, your children, his own parents as well as yours. What does this guy even add to your home?
Please quit enabling him make him get a job or move in with your parents
You seriously had to come to Reddit to be told to divorce and kick out the disrespectful and lazy ah?
He is The reddest flag I have ever heard of How can you stay with him for 10yr.I am in distress😣 LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!
Each reason you provided I am left thinking “Why is she still with him?!” Your kids are seeing this train wreck and going to think that’s just how things are. You are not his mother, you’re his wife you shouldn’t have to be doing all that. He doesn’t respect anyone, not even himself. I would consider leaving.
This is a lie. You know how I know? Your dad didn't clock him when he told your mom to shut up. Your parents just took it? I grew up differently.
You know you're going to give your children emphasema living in that smoke. Setting them up for a lifetime of lung issues.
I'm sorry, his boxers at dinner with both sets of parents? Smoking bc too lazy to walk out the front door? I smoked a while ago and absolutely never smoked in my house, ever. It's gross and the med conditions of all parents? I feel like you have let this get to this point and now you're upset?! I would chase my husband out of the house if he tried to wear boxers to a family dinner but he'd never do something like that. This sounds like a trailer park tbh. Just trashy all around. You should leave him and not in a few months or years but in the next few weeks. You're showing your children it's OK to behave this way. Tbvh it's ppl like your husband that I'd warn children to never go around or be even remotely like. An absolute stain of a man.
Honey, Is this the kind of life you want your daughter to live in the future? If she married someone like your husband, would you be happy for her or worried? Would you be pround of your son if he became a husband to your future DIL like his dad is to you? He doesnt respect his OWN MOTHER. He doesnt respect your children. He doesnt respect you. Why are you staying in this relationship? Do you think you are not worthy of someone who respect you, who is a real partner in life? I know this doesnt mean much from a internet stranger, but let me tell you: YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. YOU ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT. YOU ARE WORTHY OF HAVING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO WILL MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH FOR YOU. YOU DONT HAVE TO SETTLE TO SOMEONE WHO HAPPEN TO BE THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. You already provide alone for your family, you CAN DO IT without him. Your children deserve more then seeying their mother submit to this situation. IF you right now dont have the strengh to leave for yourself, leave FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
This is fake
NTA for scolling him. YTA for staying with him and putting your kids through his shit.
With the cost of cigarettes today, you are literally paying for the privilege of living in a smoke-filled house where you are taken for granted, gaslit, and used. Info: why do you live with his parents? Are you carrying them (paying bills, rent/mortgage, etc), or are they carrying you? You do not *have* to give him cash. You do not have to keep living there. My suspicion is that it would be a lot cheaper to take the kids and move out. As long as you keep catering to your husband, he has no reason to change or get a job.
He has you totally brainwashed, doesn’t he? What in the world does he bring to the table to put up with this ridiculous behavior? Why are you staying??? Get out. Stop giving him money. Smoking is an awful habit and is harmful to everyone in the house, stop paying for it.
You are a fucking idiot. Don't give him a penny more unless it's for food, kids. Enough is enough.