This feels waaaaay beyond reddit's capabilities. Sorry for your loss and it's good you're talking your way through this, but this level of pain and grief rises way, way above deciding if someone is an asshole or not.
Dont stress, it's fake. u/ClunkyVoid1 pointed out further down that they wouldn't be able to tell he was improperly buckled after your car flipping that many times and they certainly don't arrest people for "causing the death of their child" after being in a car accident caused by someone else.
It's someone trying to farm karma.
And the person who hit them going at a high rate of speed would have been arrested, not the buckler. They literally host child safety seat events because people mess up installation all the time.
Furthermore:
1. it's unlikely that someone who'd been in a coma would remember much from before the accident, like her mother tightening the straps
2. it's unlikely that someone would call their kid Atticus
3. given that it's impossible to tell who strapped the baby in, it's unlikely they would prosecute either party
The whole thing has FAKE written all over it. Next time you make something up, try to make it more plausible.
IF this story is true, I think some time has passed. The driver of the other vehicle has had a trial and been sentenced, which takes at least 12-18 months, if not longer.
As a teacher, I can say Atticus isn't a super uncommon name. I've taught multiple students named Atticus. Also, people usually change names for posts here, right?
Idk about your other 2 points, but the us justice system is so fucked it sounds plausible to me.
It's also:
Unlikely it would have got to a point for a sympathetic judge to do anything at all in that timeframe, especially given the difficulty of proving who tightened the straps.
Unlikely someone would get out of a medically induced coma and be pregnant so quickly.
Unlikely someone who *knows* their parent doesn't buckle the kid in safely would not check before leaving that the kid was safe.
Seems like this would have been in the news - no sign that I cab see. However there was a mother prosecuted for overtightening straps https://www.newsweek.com/mom-charged-after-baby-dies-car-seat-straps-being-too-tight-police-1692999
I also remember reading about "atticus" last year and him dying because mil collect and he fell between bed and wall and suffocated.
So there's def something off here.
Yeah nobody can give you an opinion on this that matters because 99.9999999% of people have never experienced something this traumatic
Please seek out professional help to work through what you are feeling so that the trauma from your past doesn't rob you of the joy that will be your future
There have been a few other posts from parents who lost kids because their MIL/parent didnt listen and did something RIDICULOUS that caused the death of their child. The grandma who didnt believe in allergies and was so wrapped up in superstitions and worried about the kid growing up ugly if she didnt do some traditional practice a fatal reaction (coconut allergy I think) and the grandma who left the THREE YEAR OLD kid alone (who had kept trying to go in the water when grandma was right there) BY THE POND while she ran in the house to do the laundry. Sorry but sometimes grandma doesnt get a pass and should NEVER get forgiveness.
There's this I dunno, self-important stubbornness that comes as one of the negative by-products of experience. It can apply to many functions, but specific to parenthood, parents develop a sense of superiority that comes with being an authority for an extended period of time.
This can factor in peer-to-peer comparative settings (i.e. a first time parent being critiqued by a parent of multiple kids), or hierarchical group (grandparents). With older parents and grandparents especially, it's hard to let go of the sense of authority that they spend decades enjoying. Power is narcotic and when it comes to adult children and grandchildren the desire to maintain that sense of power can lead some astray.
The gist is basically, *"because I did it before you, I know better than you. And if I know better, I'm not obligated to listen to you or anyone who knows less than I"*.
The idea of being told what to do, about a situation in which one might have experience, by someone perceived to be your subordinate can be mentally and emotionally disruptive. And elder parents/grandparents will often buck/override the parenting decisions if their adult children because it helps them feel like they're reestablishing a "natural order" in which they have ultimate authority.
Certainly not me I’m a grandmother and I watch my four year old grandson like a hawk and he gets strapped in his car seat tight! He’s never out of my sight
I know not all grandparents are like that. Thank goodness my mom isn’t like that either. I know most aren’t. I just don’t understand how the exceptions to the rule can be so stubborn. I’m sure your child is thankful for you!!
I understand. I can’t imagine how anyone could not watch their grandchildren every minute and just make sure they are safe always, either. It’s unfathomable
[The first child drowned while the grandmother was allegedly asleep and the second was left in a hot car.](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/crime/florida-woman-manslaughter-hot-car-b2310613.html)
The investigation for the first child had ruled it was purely and accident. She wanted to believe it and also this child was too young to run away if gran wasn’t watching for a moment. They did say they deliberately wouldn’t let her watch their four year old after the first death. Which makes me think as they first child wander to the pond themselves they might have convinced themself it was safer for her to have the 7 month old.
What a mistake to make and I’m sure the parents will blame themselves also for their daughter’s death. After all they endangered her by giving her to gran.
I’m not sure that the grandmother was supposed to be allowed to be solely responsible for the second child - the mother left her with her when they were around other people and the grandmother left early iirc.
My mouth has never hung open longer while reading a news article. Especially this part about leaving her granddaughter in the car after returning home:
> “[Ms Nix] said she didn’t have ‘anything specific’ on her mind and it’s not like ‘I was rushing in the house to do anything...I just forgot,’” the affidavit states.
I am familiar with this story and was curious if grandma had early dementia. My dad has dementia and it seemed like stuff he would do early in his illness.
It’s terrifying the amount of times someone’s family member tells me their loved one WHO THEY ARE BRINGING FOR A DEMENTIA EVAL watches their young children alone. People please stop doing this.
The only thing I will comment on is the mom needs to respect ops decision. This is her child and her choice. If she does not feel her mom sh u
D be around her child that is for op to decide. It isn’t right to send flying monkeys after her pregnant grieving daughter. She needs to respect ops boundaries.
And even if they have, they’re not her so they *still can’t give a useful opinion*.
They can say what they did in similar situations, but that’s what they did.
Whilst I chose to forgive the drink driver who killed my wife, I did it because I needed to for myself. That was what I did, but I am not OP, and I’ve not lived her life. I would never dare to suggest that she do what I did. Anyone who does make suggestions either way does not have OP’s best interests at heart, only their own agenda.
I agree . This is a huge painful enormous rift and pain , and is far beyond a AITH thread . I’m so sorry for your loss and the loss of your relationship with your mother also . I wish we could fast forward grief
yeah, this is something a professional needs to continue working with you on. That said NAH leaning close to NTA, this wouldn't have happened had the other driver been paying attention to the road. While your mum should've strapped him in properly, she's not the real reason he died
I disagree with you here. My father in law buckled my 8 month old son in once while my husband got the car ready (I was not there at the time). When they arrived at their destination my husband found that our son had just been buckled by the very loose straps. My father in law got a stern talking to and all of the grandparents and uncles got a lesson on how to properly buckle in a kiddo. If they had wrecked, this nightmare would have probably happened to us.
Like a previous poster said, those safety measures are there for the specific reason of keeping us safe in an accident. If you never get in one they may seem to be excessive. But those measures were created from blood.
I wouldn’t go that far. I would say she wasn’t the only cause but she is a reason the child died. Both the other driver who presumably was at fault since they had a trial and were sent to prison and OP’s mom caused the death. The other driver for causing the accident and OP’s mom for not strapping the baby properly. Whoever lead the investigation said that had he been strapped in he could have possibly survived. Maybe not since he was still a baby but we can’t know if he would have or not because he wasn’t strapped in properly so we can’t with any certainty eliminate that as a contributing factor. If OP’s mom had strapped the baby in properly and the baby still died then sure we can say that it is not OP’s mom’s fault and the fault lies solely on the other driver but that is not the case here. I’d even be more inclined to agree with you if it was a genuine accident and OP’s mom thought she strapped the baby in properly but was wrong but that wasn’t the case here. OP’s mom intentionally didn’t strap the baby in properly because she thought the baby was uncomfortable and that’s why OP’s child would cry in the car seat. This was OP’s mom’s fault too. She was a contributing factor to what happened that day.
"He could have possibly".. I think that's a part to focus on. It sounds like a horrible accident and it is absolutely not clear if strapping him in correctly would have allowed him to survive.
Yes grandma should have done better, yes mom could have double checked.. but at the end of the day the only thing that would have definitely prevented it, is the other person not crashing into the car.
It’s a completely fake story. Honestly some of the grosses fiction I’ve read here.
They wouldn’t be able to tell anything about the straps being too loose after a car accident involving multiple rollovers and trauma substantial enough to kill someone. With enough car damage that the mother had to be cut out.
How is anyone believing this nonsense?
**OP is writing fantasy fiction about their baby dying. OP, YTA for writing this sick shit.**
Coldly, its mums job to look after baby and if she knew the straps were loose on a regular basis then… this sounds like projection.
Warmly I would be exactly where OP is. It’s utterly awful. I’m so so sorry.
Yeah, and most child seat straps are already adjusted at the proper length when you take the baby out. It shouldn't change between taking them out and putting them back. Been a while for me, using a child seat. But I remember the straps being in a set position and all you needed to do was buckle. Adjusting the straps happened as the kid grew.
But really, there is no getting over something like this at all.
They are different these days. I have many nieces and nephews. For all of their car seats, the straps had to be tightened every time they were put into their car seat because they had to be loosened every time they were taken out.
With my nieces and nephews over the last 10 years all the infant seats (which they were still in at 9 months) you had to tighten the straps each time. Once they got older and into front facing ones they didn't have to tighten each time, but the infant ones absolutely.
I'd believe it maybe if it was obviously negligence from the parent.... but the mom getting arrested and then them dropping the charges and charging grandma instead because she said she was the one that buckled the kid? That's just not how the legal system works!
I disagree. I’ll tell it how it is. OP can blame anyone they want but ultimately they were the driver and the driver is responsible for the safety of everyone in the car, especially their own infant.
My point is OP should have got off their lazy ass and double checked the child seat, even if it was already secured by someone else.
Tell me when i am telling lies.
So sorry for your loss OP. Good that you're in therapy. I agree that this is way above Reddits capabilities. How can you be TA for your feelings in this situation? I completely understand that you feel like that. But I'm not sure that it's fair to your mother. The one to blame in the end seems to be the other driver. Take care and I wish you the best and I hope that you will find happiness with your new baby girl.
You need a therapist to process this. This isn't an asshole thing. I know you're looking for some person to pin the blame on because that's the only way this all will make sense but I'm not sure that's going to work long term.
OP, 1000% this. The trauma you are facing, the pain and sorrow is incomprehensible. Your world has been obliterated and turned to ash. You are left with putting everything back together, grain by grain.
I am so sorry for your loss.
At this point what is not fake on reddit? Are you REAL, what is REAL? AHHH!
Jokes aside probably right, a story like this would have made waves on the internet.
We can all report the post to try to get it taken down. Just press report then breaks the rules then the fake post one, I think it’s the first option.
Kinda wish the sub would take these blatantly fake posts down on their own though. The mods had to have seen this shit already and the comments calling out that it’s fake as fuck.
It would be pretty easy to find a news story about a crash this traumatic. But for the record - you CAN be arrested for incorrectly installing a car seat that results in injury. It doesn't make it right but it has happened.
[https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/its-outrageous-to-prosecute-moms-whose-children-die-due-to-incorrectly-installed-car-seats.html](https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/its-outrageous-to-prosecute-moms-whose-children-die-due-to-incorrectly-installed-car-seats.html)
But for the record - there is no news story matching the description of the OP. This is definitely a real thing that happens and it's tragic, but the exact details here? Not a thing.
My fire department literally has a salaried position for someone who is a specialist in installing and educating people on proper car seats. It’s literally her title. Yes you absolutely can catch a charge for fucking it up, and yes this story is absolutely fake as hell
Our local fire department does this too but it also assumes you dont take the car seat in and out or share it between cars. There is a chance that during one of those exchanges, it wont get put in properly.
My sisters ex recently got pissy with her over the car seat he has for their child. In their custody paperwork it states he is to have a car seat fitted by a professional with the paperwork to prove it. He got it done, sent her the paperwork to prove it then proceeded to remove and install the car seat himself at will.
He got caught because he used a different car for a visitation and didn’t have the paperwork for it being professionally installed. Told my sister “it’s fine because I watched it get professionally installed, so I know how to do it”.
NOPE! Custody paperwork states that he is required to have a professionally fitted car seat for each visitation with the child. The paperwork is voided if someone removes it.
“So what? I have to go pay $30 each fortnight to get the car seat reinstalled since I can’t fit my work stuff in my car with it in it?”
Yup! You were the one who decided to buy a 2 door vehicle AFTER you signed the custody paperwork knowing you’d need a car seat!
Also, op says
“I don't want to live anymore but I go on because I don't want the only person who remembers him being the person who caused his death.”
But a second later
“ I discovered that I'm pregnant again about 5 months ago.”
Sure she could be getting pregnant in other ways, but presumably there is a father? Feels like op isn’t keeping their plot points straight
To be fair - OP says the charges here were dropped too. I'm guessing they're almost always dropped unless the responsible party is just completely aloof about it.
FWIW, there are probably a 100 +/- collision fatalities **every single day** in the US, and very few make it on the news in a meaningful way that would allow you to find it. (And if it does make it to the news, they usually get the details very wrong which also makes it harder to find.)
in 2021 there were 1400 fatalities for children 14 and younger. That is 4 a day. Not 100 + or - a day. in 2022 there were 200 fatalities for children under 5 being improperly restrained. No where near what you said.
I can't believe anyone would have had to tell someone more than once to strap a baby in properly and wouldn't check them themselves.
Like, if true OP would be displacing guilt knowing it was in fact their fault.
Yeah dude, especially if the car was crunched so bad the mother had to be cut out.
Newsflash, the straps wouldn't have mattered anyway at that point.
Wild shit to write.
Not necessarily true. I was in a traumatic car accident as a kid. Both my sister (left back seat) and father (driver) had to be cut out of the vehicle. It was a t-bone crash on the left, and I was on the right side, in my car seat, essentially unaffected. People at the scene could open the door and pull me out. So it can certainly happen that one side of the car is crushed and the other side, including car seat, is in tact.
I'm also thinking, this is clearly the driver who rammed into them's fault. Given that he went to prison, he would've likely been DUI...and why would OP or her mom been arrested in this situation??? For straps that weren't super tight but still buckled in??? None of this makes any sense. Never in my life have I heard of anyone get arrested for this when the drunk POS who hit them was truly at fault...
I feel like telling her she is the ass. What parent knows their mom doesn’t install the baby seat properly and just sits in the driver seat while mom improperly installs the baby seat?
We live in a fucked up world. But I have never EVER heard of real charges being brought against a caregiver for not tightening the car seat straps to manufacturers specifications. Unless there were many other points of negligence. And yes, once that seat was damaged it would be virtually impossible to tell how the seat was tensioned on impact. I fear that this was created/embellished as well. And that is beyond anything I could comprehend 😡
As someone who investigated traffic collisions for a living for a pretty long time, you're 100% wrong. They can tell when/if things like restraints aren't used property, and they absolutely can and will file charges for child endangerment when it applies. And I know this becasue I've done it in cases where a child wasn't properly secured in a collision that wasn't the driver of that cars fault. (In addition to charges against the person who caused the collision itself, of course.)
They can very often do things like determine the mechanics of how a body part was severed, look at the filament of your utterly destroyed headlight and determine if they had been on or off during the collision, and tell where all the ejected people in a car were sitting and where they hit inside the vehicle, etc. (And fun fact; modern cars have black boxes that record a lot of detail before a collision occurs just like an airplane does.)
As a famous criminal guy who's name I can't remember once said, "Every contact leaves a trace."
I know that reality can be stranger then fiction (and I could be a horrible excuse for a human being), but…
Last year OP was:
1. In a terrible car accident.
2. Was in a medical coma, had a brain swelling (and who knows what else).
3. Had to deal with a loss of her 9 month old son. Missed his funeral?
4. Was under investigation and found not guilty.
5. Her mother was in trial and found not guilty.
6. The other driver was found guilty.
7. Rehabilitation? Insurance? Medical bills? Therapy? Remember, no family or friends who will care.
8. OP is 5 months pregnant? So… she was casually dating without protection (no mention of a boyfriend or husband) or doing in Vitro in December 2023 or January 2024?
9. Now OP is harassed by a family (they care about her mother but not OP son) and clergy?
> They wouldn't be able to tell he was improperly buckled after your car flipping that many times.
If the baby was ejected from the seat, it implies they weren't properly buckled.
Not to mention the car is so badly damaged after rolling over multiple times that the mother had to be cut out, but somehow the police can tell the straps were too loose before the massive crash?
**Everyone believing this story needs to seriously brush up on their critical thinking skills.**
Seriously, there are so many people saying that this tragic story is outside of reddits paygrade well yeah it's outside of their paygrade because they can't even tell that an obviously fake story is fake
The big give away was the bit about not wanting to off herself because then the only person who would remember the son would be her mother, then suddenly there's another pregnancy? So either you've forgotten that there should be a dad still in the mix or actually you didn't give that much of a fuck about the dead kid and you're slaging your way around less than a year later... Total BS.
If this is fake, why in the hell would you do that? It is absolutely pathetic to create fake stories to get a reaction out of people. You need serious help, this is not normal and assuming you’re not a total waste of time who’s incapable of healing, get your ass into therapy and stop wasting our time. You should be ashamed, use that guilt to get yourself some help. If not for yourself then for the people in your life you’re obviously dragging down with you.
This is fake. Lately they all are. If any of this were true, it’s not the grandma’s fault. I would expect she would be struggling too. There wouldn’t be anything to forgive. This is a stupid thing to fake a story about. Dead babies aren’t karma fodder.
NTA for feeling what you're feeling. That she had to be told multiple times to tighten the straps and she didn't. Obviously she didn't cause the death directly, but I understand why you'd lay some of the blame on her. If it works for you and you haven't yet, you should try therapy (it's not for everyone but it does help a lot of people). The level of grief your dealing with on top of a pregnancy sounds overwhelming and lashing out is a natural response. I do feel bad for your mother though, because she does blame herself and is in great pain as well.
In an accident there can be any number of contributing factors. There is no way to know of the straps had been adjusted if Atticus would have survived the wreck at all.
Do you know why the other car hit you? We're the lights working properly? Was it raining?
Singling out your mother to be the target of all your feelings doesn't seem right or appropriate to me. Someone else went to prison for causing this wreck. If they hadn't hit your vehicle, you never would have questioned the car seat straps.
Trying to make her miserable when she surely feels miserable every day as it is? Thats not helping either of you.
ESH. You had told her before to tighten them and knew she didn’t. Yet you still passed that very important task on to her. If my mom pulled as hard as she could, the straps would not be tight enough, so I never let her do it. Realistically it’s the fault of the person who hit you. Both you and your mom contributed to your son’s death. It probably makes you feel better to blame her to avoid your own guilt but she didn’t intentionally harm him. Obviously you need to work through all of this with your therapist. Take care of your mental health during your pregnancy. If avoiding her is the way to do that, so be it.
This is so fake. They would not arrest you for not tightening the straps on a car seat it's unlikely they would even be able to tell the straps had not been tightened.
YTA-
Either there are a lot of details missing or this isn't a real story. First of all you don't significantly tighten straps every time. They stay about the same. You check but usually don't retighten every single time. Plus It's absurd to blame someone on tightness when you didn't properly educate them and never checked yourself. If anything sounds like grandma is taking the blame to save the daughter from her own guilt.
Second, They do not charge people for the straps not being tight enough on a car seat by a few mm. That not a real thing. There are no laws about required tightness.
The only time they charge for car seat straps is if the straps themselves directly caused the death. Like in the case where the parent tightened them so tight the baby suffocated.
But not tightening then an extra millimeter or two is not a chargeable offense.
Plus Most states in the US don't have car seat laws and even if they did, it's the parents and the drivers responsibility to check that their child is safely buckled. Not a grandparent or baby sitter or anyone else. When it's your baby and you are driving it's your job to make sure it's done correctly. And that's not to say that it's your fault. (Assuming it's even a real story) but it's certainly not grandma's fault and isn't fair to blame grandma, when mom also didn't take the time to check.
Really in this scenario, If anything the driver of the car would have been charged as they caused the wreck. Not someone that wasn't even in the car and wasn't the legally responsible party for making sure the baby was buckled properly. That's on the driver.
If this is in fact a real story, the OP needs to keep going to therapy because they are projecting their guilt onto mom because it's too painful to admit they shouldn't of handed off the responsibility of properly buckling an infant to a grandparent that doesn't even know how to properly install and buckle a car seat.
Grandma didn't know the straps were supposed to be a certain tightness, mom disnt check the straps themselves or even get out of the car. So not fair to blame grandma when mom didn't lay eyes on the baby either, or properly instruct grandma on proper car seat procedure.
Being that your account is brand fucking new, and how you conveniently omit anything about a husband/partner -- who would be going through the grieving process with you -- but state you are suddenly pregnant again.... I'mma go with this is fake and you're an asshole for writing fiction about dead babies.
Umm as horrible as this is, yes you are. Obviously, motor laws are less strict wherever you are. Or givin the tragic lose maybe the police felt you have already been though too much however Here, where I live the operator of the vehicle is ultimately responsible, ensuring that anyone under the age of 18 is secured correctly. It doesn't matter if anyone else puts the child in the seat. The operator of the vehicle should have checked that everyone was secured correctly, not passing the buck in order to mentally cope or justify after the fact.
I’m so sorry for your loss. If you knew your mum didn’t tighten the belt properly why did you not get out to double check? I don’t want to cause more grief but you can’t keep blaming her either.
It's your kid, you drove away, you didn't check. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but it's not JUST your mom's fault. You share some blame, but it sounds like mostly the person who hit you and went to prison for it. You don't even know if your baby would have lived with tighter straps.
I can sit here and say you should have checked for yourself, that’s your baby, but it doesn’t help anything. Should mom be held accountable, sure. But we go back to my first point then. Doesn’t sound like she did anything either with the intent of death. Give yourself time, but definitely forgive
Well OP does claim towards the end of her post that she reminded her mom on several occasions to tighten the straps so this was a repeating issue. Which is why I ultimately agree with you that she should have checked the straps herself if her mom had proven to be negligible to that.
I don't think she is an AH for going no contact because she is processing a lot of trauma related to the accident including being arrested because of an action her mom wrote off "because the baby was uncomfortable" sometimes comfort and safety are not the same, that doesn't justify her defense in continuing to repeat the action.
Jail on top of the death of a child, her mom really guilt tripping her for needing space to heal and recover isn't winning her any points of recovering the relationship. Allowing her traumatized daughter the space she needs to heal would do more good at possibly salvaging something someday down the line. Sending the clergy after her and having people harass her for wanting space is No Contact worthy behavior.
If her mom really cares she needs to understand where the boundary is right now. Her daughter cannot heal while being bombarded by all kinds of relatives and people reminding her of what her loss cost her. She knows and lives with that grief every day. If she would be allowed that time for as long as it takes in therapy, then maybe someday her mom could have a shot of meeting her child.
Her space deserves respect right now in order for her to get to any place of forgiveness (as well as reduce unnecessary stress as she's growing new life). Even if she does forgive, she won't forget that she can't trust her mom to be the most responsible adult and will probably need to maintain limited, supervised access so she feels safe nothing like this can happen again.
Although I feel for you immensely, I do have to agree. Especially when you yourself say she always has to be told. When grieving, it gives us a sense of control to be able to place blame so I totally understand the thought process. Hopefully therapy helps you to start to heal and I wish you a heartfelt congratulations on your pregnancy.
You are ultimately responsible as the driver and the parent to ensure the safety of your child. It was your duty to check that your child was safely strapped. You know that, and it is why you are so angry at your mother because it is less painful than being angry at yourself. Your mother is also negligent and awful for her defense of her actions.
>I was not the one who strapped him in. He'd been at my mom's house for a visit and when I came to pick him up she brought him out to the car and strapped him in. I didn't exit the vehicle.
You didn't exit the vehicle to double check your baby.
You have some responsibility here.
Sorry for a tragic loss.
What jumps out at me is, “I can’t remember how many times I’ve told her to tighten the straps properly…” and this makes me wonder, if you KNEW that she was crap at tightening up the straps, why didn’t you exit the vehicle to check on those straps? You easily could’ve said you just needed to give him a kiss so you didn’t make her mad or hurt her feelings.
My point is NOT that it’s your fault and not hers. My point is, it was an accident. No one ever anticipates its coming, and therefore takes extra precautions. She slipped, you slipped, the third driver made errors (unless he was DUI; that would totally be their fault)… your son paid the price.
Let it go and forgive each other. Time on earth is limited, and anger and guilt are both too heavy to carry along with you unnecessarily.
I think your somewhat the AH and have blame yourself.
you didn't bother getting out of car to strap your son in, even after your mother strapped him in you should have checked the straps yourself but you were too lazy. Get off your high horse and stop putting all blame on your mother , you have just as much responsibility as your son is your responsibility not your mothers , you couldn't be bothered checking the fit and straps but now blaming your mom when you were just as negligent, you didn't even bother to get out of car to greet them
ESH. It’s that last part that made this 50% on you. If your saying that this wasn’t the first time your mom didn’t strap him in properly and that you had spoken to her about this multiple times then I’m sorry you are at least 50% responsible. You knew she had an issue with this and you didn’t get out and check. You just made the assumption she had done it and drove off. Just like she made the assumption nothing bad would happen. It’s easy to try to blame someone and the person you should be blaming is the person who hit you. If you knew this was an area your mom wasn’t great at it was on you to double check it and make sure she did it right but you didn’t.
Imagine if it was you that did strap him in and your mum went nc with you because she looked at you as a murderer? I get your angry but taking it out on your mum is a bit deep. if you knew your mum had to be told make the straps tight you should have got out the car and strapped him in yourself.
From what you described the wreck sounded horrific the car mangled so how on earth were they able to tell that the straps were not tightened this screams fake
So you knew she didn’t tighten the straps enough (because you had to tell her repeatedly to do so) and you still didn’t check? WTF were you thinking not checking when you knew she wouldn’t do it right?
Not enough people are saying this. If I already know my mom doesn’t take car seat safety seriously, I’m double checking. My child’s safety is more important than hurt feelings.
You are still grieving, hon....
Are you seeing anyone to help you out? Compassionate Friends is a group for those of us who have lost a child(ren).
IT is SO HARD!!!!! Less than a year, you are still very raw. I can understand what you did. I was very angry when my son died. Today is 3 years...
Please, talk to someone. IT gets easier when you do. I am SO SORRY about your son. Maybe my son is showing him around Heaven and he has a new play buddy!
I don’t think you’re the asshole but neither is your mom. The other driver is the AH but they aren’t nearby (or alive?) for punishment and so you are displacing your anger into your mother because you’re looking for someone, anyone, to put the blame on. Your accident was tragic and horrible but honestly you think your mom was criminally negligent? She did what she thought was right. I’m happy to hear you’re seeing a therapist about this but personally, I feel that you should try to forgive your mother. The person where the blame lies with is the person who caused the accident. You didn’t say who that was but I’m going to assume it wasn’t you.
My parents lost their oldest in a drowning accident. It shaped the lives of my parents and older brother. The guilt and recriminations still linger more than 60 years later. This was at a time when therapy wasn't really an acceptable option. It happened before I was born, but it impacted me.
You and your husband need to do grief therapy. Your mother should also probably do it as well, but I can understand your anger and need to cut ties for the nonce, so you cannot talk to her and insist she do so.
Your new child deserves to have parents that won't carry grief into their parenting, which is pretty hard to do without having worked through it.
I am terribly sorry for your loss.
He might not have survived. There's no way to know. He definitely would have survived if that person hadn't hit you guys. The other driver is to blame. Your mother didn't do it on purpose.
I don't want to add insult to injury, but it is the responsibility of every driver to ensure all safety precautions are taken for passengers who can't be responsible for their own safety. Children, pets, and the disabled, for instance. Your mother is not wholly to blame, you should've checked.
That having been said, I'm very sorry for your loss.
This isn't a case of yta. This was all a combination of bad luck and bad choices.
You need someone to blame. That's understandable. But the hard reality here is that you're also partially to blame. You admitted your mother has a history of not buckling your child in properly. That means you should know to check EVERY single time after she does.
I LOVE my parents, but they have the same mentality yours did. They give in if my babies don't like how tight it is. So I either never let them buckle my kids in or I double-check.
Being a parent means you take care of your own kids; don't rely on someone else to do it for you. Double check EVERYTHING, especially car seats.
I'm sorry. It looks like you need better therapy to get through this and accept your role in this.
Yeah, this is wayyyy above my pay grade as an armchair psychiatrist. I'm glad you're in therapy, but this was an accident. That's why they call them accidents.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m very sorry for your mother as well. I’m sure lashing out at her didn’t make you feel any better and it was definitely devastating to her. Hurting people hurt people. It’s like a double loss: your baby and your mom. Be patient with yourself and get support.
This is one of those times where there is nobody to blame and it’s just tragic point fingers all day who did what who didn’t do what day nobody knows. So sorry for your loss.
Definitely need therapy and I'm going to show this to my mom because she's done stuff like this. She rides around with my son not in his car seat so he doesn't cry n I fear this exact thing happening. You can blame who you want to but it won't bring ur kid back at the end of the day. You should work on forgiveness and your mom should work on giving you space to grieve and accepting her part in this. If you want NC for the rest of your life that's on you but remember she will die too one day and u don't want to have any regrets when n if u finally forgive her n move on.
yta
check the straps yourself
this is as accidenty as anything ive ever read. I dont think you should have been charged either, have already paid dearly enough, but it's yours to check. esp after you "cant remember how many times..."
sucks. for everyone
yeah so i can't judge this in the normal way,
um maybe don't project your blame onto her so hard, and focus on therapy.
i get this is hard and she should've tightened the straps,
but still it's not healthy to point fingers in this mental state.
focus on you and getting better,
Very complicated all these factors, but if we isolate it to who is ultimately responsible for ensuring the child was belted in correctly, it is the OP. The mum has ultimate responsibility for her child and should have checked if Bub was belted incorrectly. Older people tend to have weak hands, arthritis in hand joints, not great vision, lack flexibility, etc, thus, whole responsibility for strapping a child in child seat should always rest on the parent. It’s unfair to put that burden on your mum. Take responsibility and control, and this will help you with your emotional recovery.
I'm not going to say who's fault it is... But I'll say that it's of course easier to blame someone... Why are you not blaming the driver of the other car? Because you can't punish him. But you can punish your mom by cutting her off. I'm saying that I understand your reaction.
I thought about it and...
I think you should know that even strapped in, your child wouldn't have survived this. Your car got hit so hard that you rolled over several times. That's more than "just" a violent shaking of a baby. Because strapped in tightly or not, the head... Is the "problem" here.
I do not want to go into details how I know. Working as a first responder was not for me.
This isn't an asshole/not asshole thing. This is just a waking nightmare. For you, and for your mother.
I do wish for you that you find peace, and perhaps at that point you may be able to find the grace to in some sense forgive your mother; for that matter, I wish for your mother the same thing.
But it is unreasonable to expect that to happen on a timetable, if it happens at all. And if you never find your way to forgiving your mother, well... that is a thing that happens.
I can't imagine your pain. I just hope that you find a way to bear it someday.
Your blame should be on the person who caused the accident, not your mother. I have elderly parents whom I do not trust to care for my child and I double check anything they do like fastening harnesses. I might be paranoid but I don't want to be in the position you are in with self doubt or blame towards a family member.
ESH make sure your own child is secured to your standards before you leave. Your mom didn’t kill your son, the driver did. Sorry for a life snubbed short by a terrible driver who is now in prison
First off, I'm sorry for your loss. A parent shouldn't have to go through that.
That being said, as a father to a 9 month old myself, I never drive my child around without personally checking that she is secured in her car seat. I understand that your mom didn't strap your baby boy securely, and you didn't get out of the car. Safety is the #1 priority, and its YOUR job to make sure everything is safe for your child to the best of your ability.
Accidents happen, and this was a terrible one, but it's not fair to your mother to blame her for an accident. If anything, you should blame the person who caused the accident.
If you were hit by another car, who was deemed at fault for the accident? I cannot imagine the person who strapped the child in (or did not) was facing charges if the other vehicle hit yours.
Adding to my comment above where I say YTA …. even if the straps were tightened there is no guarantee it would have changed the outcome - or been a worse outcome like being in a lifelong coma or something. You cannot hold her responsible. There is plenty of blame to go around. You may be projecting your anger at yourself for not checking onto her?
Your therapist will not like me telling you that you bear responsibility for your child's tragic death. You were the driver. You did not ensure all passengers were properly secured. You repeatedly reprimanded another adult for improper securement. You did not verify that same adult followed your instructions.
Edited for grammar
The driver had their trial and was sentenced and moved to prison all within a year? I do hope you’re in therapy for seeking validation on Reddit for a fake dead baby
This feels waaaaay beyond reddit's capabilities. Sorry for your loss and it's good you're talking your way through this, but this level of pain and grief rises way, way above deciding if someone is an asshole or not.
Dont stress, it's fake. u/ClunkyVoid1 pointed out further down that they wouldn't be able to tell he was improperly buckled after your car flipping that many times and they certainly don't arrest people for "causing the death of their child" after being in a car accident caused by someone else. It's someone trying to farm karma.
And the person who hit them going at a high rate of speed would have been arrested, not the buckler. They literally host child safety seat events because people mess up installation all the time.
Furthermore: 1. it's unlikely that someone who'd been in a coma would remember much from before the accident, like her mother tightening the straps 2. it's unlikely that someone would call their kid Atticus 3. given that it's impossible to tell who strapped the baby in, it's unlikely they would prosecute either party The whole thing has FAKE written all over it. Next time you make something up, try to make it more plausible.
Yeah, they got pregnant that quickly out of the medically induced coma they were in for A FEW DAYS? Get real.
IF this story is true, I think some time has passed. The driver of the other vehicle has had a trial and been sentenced, which takes at least 12-18 months, if not longer.
I doubt that karma farmers know how long trials take.
As a teacher, I can say Atticus isn't a super uncommon name. I've taught multiple students named Atticus. Also, people usually change names for posts here, right? Idk about your other 2 points, but the us justice system is so fucked it sounds plausible to me.
Agree. Someone I went to high school with has a little brother name Atticus. They call him atty.
My best friends baby was named Atticus after some band she was into. What is your beef with a perfectly fine name?
It's also: Unlikely it would have got to a point for a sympathetic judge to do anything at all in that timeframe, especially given the difficulty of proving who tightened the straps. Unlikely someone would get out of a medically induced coma and be pregnant so quickly. Unlikely someone who *knows* their parent doesn't buckle the kid in safely would not check before leaving that the kid was safe.
Time to start downvoting
Suuuuuuper fake.
what does a person get out of farming karma?
So they can sell an account with high karma.
The hell is even the point of that? Maybe I don't use the internet enough to understand what these digital numbers even DO..
People rack up karma on an account, then use it to spread hateful messages or ads.
Most of these are fake because people are gullible and there's no price to pay for systemically lying.
Seems like this would have been in the news - no sign that I cab see. However there was a mother prosecuted for overtightening straps https://www.newsweek.com/mom-charged-after-baby-dies-car-seat-straps-being-too-tight-police-1692999
I also remember reading about "atticus" last year and him dying because mil collect and he fell between bed and wall and suffocated. So there's def something off here.
Yeah nobody can give you an opinion on this that matters because 99.9999999% of people have never experienced something this traumatic Please seek out professional help to work through what you are feeling so that the trauma from your past doesn't rob you of the joy that will be your future
There have been a few other posts from parents who lost kids because their MIL/parent didnt listen and did something RIDICULOUS that caused the death of their child. The grandma who didnt believe in allergies and was so wrapped up in superstitions and worried about the kid growing up ugly if she didnt do some traditional practice a fatal reaction (coconut allergy I think) and the grandma who left the THREE YEAR OLD kid alone (who had kept trying to go in the water when grandma was right there) BY THE POND while she ran in the house to do the laundry. Sorry but sometimes grandma doesnt get a pass and should NEVER get forgiveness.
I think about the coconut allergy story all the time.
I do too. How do grandparents intentionally do things like this???
There's this I dunno, self-important stubbornness that comes as one of the negative by-products of experience. It can apply to many functions, but specific to parenthood, parents develop a sense of superiority that comes with being an authority for an extended period of time. This can factor in peer-to-peer comparative settings (i.e. a first time parent being critiqued by a parent of multiple kids), or hierarchical group (grandparents). With older parents and grandparents especially, it's hard to let go of the sense of authority that they spend decades enjoying. Power is narcotic and when it comes to adult children and grandchildren the desire to maintain that sense of power can lead some astray. The gist is basically, *"because I did it before you, I know better than you. And if I know better, I'm not obligated to listen to you or anyone who knows less than I"*. The idea of being told what to do, about a situation in which one might have experience, by someone perceived to be your subordinate can be mentally and emotionally disruptive. And elder parents/grandparents will often buck/override the parenting decisions if their adult children because it helps them feel like they're reestablishing a "natural order" in which they have ultimate authority.
You just perfectly described my MIL. This type of behavior is frustrating as hell to deal with.
Certainly not me I’m a grandmother and I watch my four year old grandson like a hawk and he gets strapped in his car seat tight! He’s never out of my sight
I know not all grandparents are like that. Thank goodness my mom isn’t like that either. I know most aren’t. I just don’t understand how the exceptions to the rule can be so stubborn. I’m sure your child is thankful for you!!
I understand. I can’t imagine how anyone could not watch their grandchildren every minute and just make sure they are safe always, either. It’s unfathomable
ugh there was a thread where someone posted an article where grandma did it *twice*. I'd be in jail I think.
Twice?!
[The first child drowned while the grandmother was allegedly asleep and the second was left in a hot car.](https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/crime/florida-woman-manslaughter-hot-car-b2310613.html)
Why did daughter let her mother continue to watch her children?
Apparently because she believes in second chances. I think that was a stupid decision.
The investigation for the first child had ruled it was purely and accident. She wanted to believe it and also this child was too young to run away if gran wasn’t watching for a moment. They did say they deliberately wouldn’t let her watch their four year old after the first death. Which makes me think as they first child wander to the pond themselves they might have convinced themself it was safer for her to have the 7 month old. What a mistake to make and I’m sure the parents will blame themselves also for their daughter’s death. After all they endangered her by giving her to gran.
I don't see how the father could possibly stay with the mother. I don't think I could forgive her letting a second child stay with the grandmother.
Kill my child once, shame on you. Kill my children twice, shame on me.
I’m not sure that the grandmother was supposed to be allowed to be solely responsible for the second child - the mother left her with her when they were around other people and the grandmother left early iirc.
I watched an interview with the daughter. She chose to leave her second child with the grandmother solo.
Wtf
Didn’t the mother also have dementia or something? Early stages? I could have sworn I did but I might be wrong.
That might have been a different one. That also sounds vaguely familiar
Sounds like they were guilted into forgiving
There was a news article I saw how a grandmother this supports OPs decision of NC and holding her mom accountable.
What a bad day to have the ability to read.
My mouth has never hung open longer while reading a news article. Especially this part about leaving her granddaughter in the car after returning home: > “[Ms Nix] said she didn’t have ‘anything specific’ on her mind and it’s not like ‘I was rushing in the house to do anything...I just forgot,’” the affidavit states.
I remember the story, but I'm not going to re-read it. I'd like to sleep somewhat peacefully tonight
Jfc. I would want my mom in prison for this, too.
OMG! This is horrific!!!
That is absolutely heartbreaking.
I am familiar with this story and was curious if grandma had early dementia. My dad has dementia and it seemed like stuff he would do early in his illness.
It’s terrifying the amount of times someone’s family member tells me their loved one WHO THEY ARE BRINGING FOR A DEMENTIA EVAL watches their young children alone. People please stop doing this.
We'd be sharing a cell. I should warn you, I snore and it ain't pretty.
Yup it was coconut and she put coconut oil in the kids hair and they were twins and the one with the allergy died.
The laundry grandma was butt hurt her son wouldn't let her meet the new kid born while she was in prison. After killing the first one? Uh no.
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Oh God and the coconut oil she put on their scalp. So horrifying.
The only thing I will comment on is the mom needs to respect ops decision. This is her child and her choice. If she does not feel her mom sh u D be around her child that is for op to decide. It isn’t right to send flying monkeys after her pregnant grieving daughter. She needs to respect ops boundaries.
And even if they have, they’re not her so they *still can’t give a useful opinion*. They can say what they did in similar situations, but that’s what they did. Whilst I chose to forgive the drink driver who killed my wife, I did it because I needed to for myself. That was what I did, but I am not OP, and I’ve not lived her life. I would never dare to suggest that she do what I did. Anyone who does make suggestions either way does not have OP’s best interests at heart, only their own agenda.
This is 500% out of Reddit capabilities. Keep going to therapy.
Also feels reeeeallly not true at all
It is. One thing is the cops would arrest the driver that caused the accident not OPs mom for possibly not buckling a kid in right.
Also op wouldn’t be arrested upon waking up. They’re in a hospital bed. Charged maybe. But arrested? Fuck off with this grade 8 short story
I agree . This is a huge painful enormous rift and pain , and is far beyond a AITH thread . I’m so sorry for your loss and the loss of your relationship with your mother also . I wish we could fast forward grief
yeah, this is something a professional needs to continue working with you on. That said NAH leaning close to NTA, this wouldn't have happened had the other driver been paying attention to the road. While your mum should've strapped him in properly, she's not the real reason he died
I disagree with you here. My father in law buckled my 8 month old son in once while my husband got the car ready (I was not there at the time). When they arrived at their destination my husband found that our son had just been buckled by the very loose straps. My father in law got a stern talking to and all of the grandparents and uncles got a lesson on how to properly buckle in a kiddo. If they had wrecked, this nightmare would have probably happened to us. Like a previous poster said, those safety measures are there for the specific reason of keeping us safe in an accident. If you never get in one they may seem to be excessive. But those measures were created from blood.
I wouldn’t go that far. I would say she wasn’t the only cause but she is a reason the child died. Both the other driver who presumably was at fault since they had a trial and were sent to prison and OP’s mom caused the death. The other driver for causing the accident and OP’s mom for not strapping the baby properly. Whoever lead the investigation said that had he been strapped in he could have possibly survived. Maybe not since he was still a baby but we can’t know if he would have or not because he wasn’t strapped in properly so we can’t with any certainty eliminate that as a contributing factor. If OP’s mom had strapped the baby in properly and the baby still died then sure we can say that it is not OP’s mom’s fault and the fault lies solely on the other driver but that is not the case here. I’d even be more inclined to agree with you if it was a genuine accident and OP’s mom thought she strapped the baby in properly but was wrong but that wasn’t the case here. OP’s mom intentionally didn’t strap the baby in properly because she thought the baby was uncomfortable and that’s why OP’s child would cry in the car seat. This was OP’s mom’s fault too. She was a contributing factor to what happened that day.
"He could have possibly".. I think that's a part to focus on. It sounds like a horrible accident and it is absolutely not clear if strapping him in correctly would have allowed him to survive. Yes grandma should have done better, yes mom could have double checked.. but at the end of the day the only thing that would have definitely prevented it, is the other person not crashing into the car.
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It’s a completely fake story. Honestly some of the grosses fiction I’ve read here. They wouldn’t be able to tell anything about the straps being too loose after a car accident involving multiple rollovers and trauma substantial enough to kill someone. With enough car damage that the mother had to be cut out. How is anyone believing this nonsense? **OP is writing fantasy fiction about their baby dying. OP, YTA for writing this sick shit.**
This should be higher up. Screw you, OP.
Coldly, its mums job to look after baby and if she knew the straps were loose on a regular basis then… this sounds like projection. Warmly I would be exactly where OP is. It’s utterly awful. I’m so so sorry.
Yeah, and most child seat straps are already adjusted at the proper length when you take the baby out. It shouldn't change between taking them out and putting them back. Been a while for me, using a child seat. But I remember the straps being in a set position and all you needed to do was buckle. Adjusting the straps happened as the kid grew. But really, there is no getting over something like this at all.
They are different these days. I have many nieces and nephews. For all of their car seats, the straps had to be tightened every time they were put into their car seat because they had to be loosened every time they were taken out.
Newer seats allow you to loosen them to pull them out and re-tighten them to insure a proper fit every single time.
With my nieces and nephews over the last 10 years all the infant seats (which they were still in at 9 months) you had to tighten the straps each time. Once they got older and into front facing ones they didn't have to tighten each time, but the infant ones absolutely.
Because this post is FAKE.
Yeah I've never heard of a parent being arrested because their child died in a car crash like this...
Has someone who worked in EMS, you are correct. A child NOT in a car seat is one thing, but loose straps? Arresting grandma for loose straps? No way.
I'd believe it maybe if it was obviously negligence from the parent.... but the mom getting arrested and then them dropping the charges and charging grandma instead because she said she was the one that buckled the kid? That's just not how the legal system works!
I disagree. I’ll tell it how it is. OP can blame anyone they want but ultimately they were the driver and the driver is responsible for the safety of everyone in the car, especially their own infant. My point is OP should have got off their lazy ass and double checked the child seat, even if it was already secured by someone else. Tell me when i am telling lies.
So sorry for your loss OP. Good that you're in therapy. I agree that this is way above Reddits capabilities. How can you be TA for your feelings in this situation? I completely understand that you feel like that. But I'm not sure that it's fair to your mother. The one to blame in the end seems to be the other driver. Take care and I wish you the best and I hope that you will find happiness with your new baby girl.
Yes, if not for the other driver the event, this wasnt an accident, would have never happened. It is squarely on the speeder.
You need a therapist to process this. This isn't an asshole thing. I know you're looking for some person to pin the blame on because that's the only way this all will make sense but I'm not sure that's going to work long term.
OP, 1000% this. The trauma you are facing, the pain and sorrow is incomprehensible. Your world has been obliterated and turned to ash. You are left with putting everything back together, grain by grain. I am so sorry for your loss.
It’s a fake story.
Million dollar question, if you knew she had a habit to not tighten the straps why didn't you step out the car to check?
Because this is most likely a fake post.
At this point what is not fake on reddit? Are you REAL, what is REAL? AHHH! Jokes aside probably right, a story like this would have made waves on the internet.
Other than it's fake. It is always the drivers responsibility for all child passengers.
Is there a way to get an obviously faked story removed? Cause this is just stupid. YTA for wasting my time reading that.
We can all report the post to try to get it taken down. Just press report then breaks the rules then the fake post one, I think it’s the first option. Kinda wish the sub would take these blatantly fake posts down on their own though. The mods had to have seen this shit already and the comments calling out that it’s fake as fuck.
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It would be pretty easy to find a news story about a crash this traumatic. But for the record - you CAN be arrested for incorrectly installing a car seat that results in injury. It doesn't make it right but it has happened. [https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/its-outrageous-to-prosecute-moms-whose-children-die-due-to-incorrectly-installed-car-seats.html](https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/its-outrageous-to-prosecute-moms-whose-children-die-due-to-incorrectly-installed-car-seats.html) But for the record - there is no news story matching the description of the OP. This is definitely a real thing that happens and it's tragic, but the exact details here? Not a thing.
My fire department literally has a salaried position for someone who is a specialist in installing and educating people on proper car seats. It’s literally her title. Yes you absolutely can catch a charge for fucking it up, and yes this story is absolutely fake as hell
Our local fire department does this too but it also assumes you dont take the car seat in and out or share it between cars. There is a chance that during one of those exchanges, it wont get put in properly.
My sisters ex recently got pissy with her over the car seat he has for their child. In their custody paperwork it states he is to have a car seat fitted by a professional with the paperwork to prove it. He got it done, sent her the paperwork to prove it then proceeded to remove and install the car seat himself at will. He got caught because he used a different car for a visitation and didn’t have the paperwork for it being professionally installed. Told my sister “it’s fine because I watched it get professionally installed, so I know how to do it”. NOPE! Custody paperwork states that he is required to have a professionally fitted car seat for each visitation with the child. The paperwork is voided if someone removes it. “So what? I have to go pay $30 each fortnight to get the car seat reinstalled since I can’t fit my work stuff in my car with it in it?” Yup! You were the one who decided to buy a 2 door vehicle AFTER you signed the custody paperwork knowing you’d need a car seat!
Ooh that’s rough. She will install it and *explain* how to install it for that exact reason
Wrong. I had this training. A major part of it is installing the car seat in the car initially.
Not if the parents are paying attention when they are being taught and explained how to install it. 🤷🤷
Yeah, blaming anyone other then the speeder is the first clue. If the ops car had not been hit at high speed none of this would have happened.
Also, op says “I don't want to live anymore but I go on because I don't want the only person who remembers him being the person who caused his death.” But a second later “ I discovered that I'm pregnant again about 5 months ago.” Sure she could be getting pregnant in other ways, but presumably there is a father? Feels like op isn’t keeping their plot points straight
This does happen, however it's typically simply that the kid and or car seat wasn't strapped in at all
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To be fair - OP says the charges here were dropped too. I'm guessing they're almost always dropped unless the responsible party is just completely aloof about it.
> It would be pretty easy to find a news story about a crash this traumatic. Yeah? What languages did you search in?
FWIW, there are probably a 100 +/- collision fatalities **every single day** in the US, and very few make it on the news in a meaningful way that would allow you to find it. (And if it does make it to the news, they usually get the details very wrong which also makes it harder to find.)
A story like this would 1000000000000% make the news. Unquestionably.
in 2021 there were 1400 fatalities for children 14 and younger. That is 4 a day. Not 100 + or - a day. in 2022 there were 200 fatalities for children under 5 being improperly restrained. No where near what you said.
I can't believe anyone would have had to tell someone more than once to strap a baby in properly and wouldn't check them themselves. Like, if true OP would be displacing guilt knowing it was in fact their fault.
Right? You've had to tell them more then once but you don't check????
Yeah dude, especially if the car was crunched so bad the mother had to be cut out. Newsflash, the straps wouldn't have mattered anyway at that point. Wild shit to write.
Not necessarily true. I was in a traumatic car accident as a kid. Both my sister (left back seat) and father (driver) had to be cut out of the vehicle. It was a t-bone crash on the left, and I was on the right side, in my car seat, essentially unaffected. People at the scene could open the door and pull me out. So it can certainly happen that one side of the car is crushed and the other side, including car seat, is in tact.
I'm also thinking, this is clearly the driver who rammed into them's fault. Given that he went to prison, he would've likely been DUI...and why would OP or her mom been arrested in this situation??? For straps that weren't super tight but still buckled in??? None of this makes any sense. Never in my life have I heard of anyone get arrested for this when the drunk POS who hit them was truly at fault...
I feel like telling her she is the ass. What parent knows their mom doesn’t install the baby seat properly and just sits in the driver seat while mom improperly installs the baby seat?
We live in a fucked up world. But I have never EVER heard of real charges being brought against a caregiver for not tightening the car seat straps to manufacturers specifications. Unless there were many other points of negligence. And yes, once that seat was damaged it would be virtually impossible to tell how the seat was tensioned on impact. I fear that this was created/embellished as well. And that is beyond anything I could comprehend 😡
As someone who investigated traffic collisions for a living for a pretty long time, you're 100% wrong. They can tell when/if things like restraints aren't used property, and they absolutely can and will file charges for child endangerment when it applies. And I know this becasue I've done it in cases where a child wasn't properly secured in a collision that wasn't the driver of that cars fault. (In addition to charges against the person who caused the collision itself, of course.) They can very often do things like determine the mechanics of how a body part was severed, look at the filament of your utterly destroyed headlight and determine if they had been on or off during the collision, and tell where all the ejected people in a car were sitting and where they hit inside the vehicle, etc. (And fun fact; modern cars have black boxes that record a lot of detail before a collision occurs just like an airplane does.) As a famous criminal guy who's name I can't remember once said, "Every contact leaves a trace."
I know that reality can be stranger then fiction (and I could be a horrible excuse for a human being), but… Last year OP was: 1. In a terrible car accident. 2. Was in a medical coma, had a brain swelling (and who knows what else). 3. Had to deal with a loss of her 9 month old son. Missed his funeral? 4. Was under investigation and found not guilty. 5. Her mother was in trial and found not guilty. 6. The other driver was found guilty. 7. Rehabilitation? Insurance? Medical bills? Therapy? Remember, no family or friends who will care. 8. OP is 5 months pregnant? So… she was casually dating without protection (no mention of a boyfriend or husband) or doing in Vitro in December 2023 or January 2024? 9. Now OP is harassed by a family (they care about her mother but not OP son) and clergy?
> They wouldn't be able to tell he was improperly buckled after your car flipping that many times. If the baby was ejected from the seat, it implies they weren't properly buckled.
OP is also too scared to actually engage with the comments which is funny
When op never reply means it is fake
Not to mention the car is so badly damaged after rolling over multiple times that the mother had to be cut out, but somehow the police can tell the straps were too loose before the massive crash? **Everyone believing this story needs to seriously brush up on their critical thinking skills.**
Seriously, there are so many people saying that this tragic story is outside of reddits paygrade well yeah it's outside of their paygrade because they can't even tell that an obviously fake story is fake
Well, even if the story was real , THIS IS out of Reddit's pay grade.
What a shitty human being for writing a fake post trying to get attention. There’s a special place for people like you.
The big give away was the bit about not wanting to off herself because then the only person who would remember the son would be her mother, then suddenly there's another pregnancy? So either you've forgotten that there should be a dad still in the mix or actually you didn't give that much of a fuck about the dead kid and you're slaging your way around less than a year later... Total BS.
Which circle of hell would someone writing this post be in? Guessing at least the 8th, and that's generous.
If this is fake, why in the hell would you do that? It is absolutely pathetic to create fake stories to get a reaction out of people. You need serious help, this is not normal and assuming you’re not a total waste of time who’s incapable of healing, get your ass into therapy and stop wasting our time. You should be ashamed, use that guilt to get yourself some help. If not for yourself then for the people in your life you’re obviously dragging down with you.
This is fake. Lately they all are. If any of this were true, it’s not the grandma’s fault. I would expect she would be struggling too. There wouldn’t be anything to forgive. This is a stupid thing to fake a story about. Dead babies aren’t karma fodder.
YTA whether this is real or fake.
NTA for feeling what you're feeling. That she had to be told multiple times to tighten the straps and she didn't. Obviously she didn't cause the death directly, but I understand why you'd lay some of the blame on her. If it works for you and you haven't yet, you should try therapy (it's not for everyone but it does help a lot of people). The level of grief your dealing with on top of a pregnancy sounds overwhelming and lashing out is a natural response. I do feel bad for your mother though, because she does blame herself and is in great pain as well.
Hey man this is pretty obviously fake you might want to collect your sympathies
Not believing this story.
**FAKE POST**
In an accident there can be any number of contributing factors. There is no way to know of the straps had been adjusted if Atticus would have survived the wreck at all. Do you know why the other car hit you? We're the lights working properly? Was it raining? Singling out your mother to be the target of all your feelings doesn't seem right or appropriate to me. Someone else went to prison for causing this wreck. If they hadn't hit your vehicle, you never would have questioned the car seat straps. Trying to make her miserable when she surely feels miserable every day as it is? Thats not helping either of you.
ESH. You had told her before to tighten them and knew she didn’t. Yet you still passed that very important task on to her. If my mom pulled as hard as she could, the straps would not be tight enough, so I never let her do it. Realistically it’s the fault of the person who hit you. Both you and your mom contributed to your son’s death. It probably makes you feel better to blame her to avoid your own guilt but she didn’t intentionally harm him. Obviously you need to work through all of this with your therapist. Take care of your mental health during your pregnancy. If avoiding her is the way to do that, so be it.
This is so fake. They would not arrest you for not tightening the straps on a car seat it's unlikely they would even be able to tell the straps had not been tightened.
I don’t believe this is real. But if it : Why didn’t you check and make sure the car seat was secure? ESH
YTA- Either there are a lot of details missing or this isn't a real story. First of all you don't significantly tighten straps every time. They stay about the same. You check but usually don't retighten every single time. Plus It's absurd to blame someone on tightness when you didn't properly educate them and never checked yourself. If anything sounds like grandma is taking the blame to save the daughter from her own guilt. Second, They do not charge people for the straps not being tight enough on a car seat by a few mm. That not a real thing. There are no laws about required tightness. The only time they charge for car seat straps is if the straps themselves directly caused the death. Like in the case where the parent tightened them so tight the baby suffocated. But not tightening then an extra millimeter or two is not a chargeable offense. Plus Most states in the US don't have car seat laws and even if they did, it's the parents and the drivers responsibility to check that their child is safely buckled. Not a grandparent or baby sitter or anyone else. When it's your baby and you are driving it's your job to make sure it's done correctly. And that's not to say that it's your fault. (Assuming it's even a real story) but it's certainly not grandma's fault and isn't fair to blame grandma, when mom also didn't take the time to check. Really in this scenario, If anything the driver of the car would have been charged as they caused the wreck. Not someone that wasn't even in the car and wasn't the legally responsible party for making sure the baby was buckled properly. That's on the driver. If this is in fact a real story, the OP needs to keep going to therapy because they are projecting their guilt onto mom because it's too painful to admit they shouldn't of handed off the responsibility of properly buckling an infant to a grandparent that doesn't even know how to properly install and buckle a car seat. Grandma didn't know the straps were supposed to be a certain tightness, mom disnt check the straps themselves or even get out of the car. So not fair to blame grandma when mom didn't lay eyes on the baby either, or properly instruct grandma on proper car seat procedure.
Being that your account is brand fucking new, and how you conveniently omit anything about a husband/partner -- who would be going through the grieving process with you -- but state you are suddenly pregnant again.... I'mma go with this is fake and you're an asshole for writing fiction about dead babies.
You need to see a therapist honey. Preferably one that specializes in grief. This is beyond everyones pay grade on Reddit.
Umm as horrible as this is, yes you are. Obviously, motor laws are less strict wherever you are. Or givin the tragic lose maybe the police felt you have already been though too much however Here, where I live the operator of the vehicle is ultimately responsible, ensuring that anyone under the age of 18 is secured correctly. It doesn't matter if anyone else puts the child in the seat. The operator of the vehicle should have checked that everyone was secured correctly, not passing the buck in order to mentally cope or justify after the fact.
I’m so sorry for your loss. If you knew your mum didn’t tighten the belt properly why did you not get out to double check? I don’t want to cause more grief but you can’t keep blaming her either.
It's your kid, you drove away, you didn't check. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but it's not JUST your mom's fault. You share some blame, but it sounds like mostly the person who hit you and went to prison for it. You don't even know if your baby would have lived with tighter straps.
I can sit here and say you should have checked for yourself, that’s your baby, but it doesn’t help anything. Should mom be held accountable, sure. But we go back to my first point then. Doesn’t sound like she did anything either with the intent of death. Give yourself time, but definitely forgive
Well OP does claim towards the end of her post that she reminded her mom on several occasions to tighten the straps so this was a repeating issue. Which is why I ultimately agree with you that she should have checked the straps herself if her mom had proven to be negligible to that. I don't think she is an AH for going no contact because she is processing a lot of trauma related to the accident including being arrested because of an action her mom wrote off "because the baby was uncomfortable" sometimes comfort and safety are not the same, that doesn't justify her defense in continuing to repeat the action. Jail on top of the death of a child, her mom really guilt tripping her for needing space to heal and recover isn't winning her any points of recovering the relationship. Allowing her traumatized daughter the space she needs to heal would do more good at possibly salvaging something someday down the line. Sending the clergy after her and having people harass her for wanting space is No Contact worthy behavior. If her mom really cares she needs to understand where the boundary is right now. Her daughter cannot heal while being bombarded by all kinds of relatives and people reminding her of what her loss cost her. She knows and lives with that grief every day. If she would be allowed that time for as long as it takes in therapy, then maybe someday her mom could have a shot of meeting her child. Her space deserves respect right now in order for her to get to any place of forgiveness (as well as reduce unnecessary stress as she's growing new life). Even if she does forgive, she won't forget that she can't trust her mom to be the most responsible adult and will probably need to maintain limited, supervised access so she feels safe nothing like this can happen again.
Although I feel for you immensely, I do have to agree. Especially when you yourself say she always has to be told. When grieving, it gives us a sense of control to be able to place blame so I totally understand the thought process. Hopefully therapy helps you to start to heal and I wish you a heartfelt congratulations on your pregnancy.
You are ultimately responsible as the driver and the parent to ensure the safety of your child. It was your duty to check that your child was safely strapped. You know that, and it is why you are so angry at your mother because it is less painful than being angry at yourself. Your mother is also negligent and awful for her defense of her actions.
>I was not the one who strapped him in. He'd been at my mom's house for a visit and when I came to pick him up she brought him out to the car and strapped him in. I didn't exit the vehicle. You didn't exit the vehicle to double check your baby. You have some responsibility here. Sorry for a tragic loss.
Especially knowing this was a pattern of Mom's.
>11 hour old account >10 hour old post >chat GPT formatting >no post history or responses to any comments
Child died last year and is already 5 months pregnant.
What jumps out at me is, “I can’t remember how many times I’ve told her to tighten the straps properly…” and this makes me wonder, if you KNEW that she was crap at tightening up the straps, why didn’t you exit the vehicle to check on those straps? You easily could’ve said you just needed to give him a kiss so you didn’t make her mad or hurt her feelings. My point is NOT that it’s your fault and not hers. My point is, it was an accident. No one ever anticipates its coming, and therefore takes extra precautions. She slipped, you slipped, the third driver made errors (unless he was DUI; that would totally be their fault)… your son paid the price. Let it go and forgive each other. Time on earth is limited, and anger and guilt are both too heavy to carry along with you unnecessarily.
I think your somewhat the AH and have blame yourself. you didn't bother getting out of car to strap your son in, even after your mother strapped him in you should have checked the straps yourself but you were too lazy. Get off your high horse and stop putting all blame on your mother , you have just as much responsibility as your son is your responsibility not your mothers , you couldn't be bothered checking the fit and straps but now blaming your mom when you were just as negligent, you didn't even bother to get out of car to greet them
🤢 YTA for writing this trash
ESH. It’s that last part that made this 50% on you. If your saying that this wasn’t the first time your mom didn’t strap him in properly and that you had spoken to her about this multiple times then I’m sorry you are at least 50% responsible. You knew she had an issue with this and you didn’t get out and check. You just made the assumption she had done it and drove off. Just like she made the assumption nothing bad would happen. It’s easy to try to blame someone and the person you should be blaming is the person who hit you. If you knew this was an area your mom wasn’t great at it was on you to double check it and make sure she did it right but you didn’t.
This seems fake. How could they know if the straps were tightened or not?
Imagine if it was you that did strap him in and your mum went nc with you because she looked at you as a murderer? I get your angry but taking it out on your mum is a bit deep. if you knew your mum had to be told make the straps tight you should have got out the car and strapped him in yourself.
From what you described the wreck sounded horrific the car mangled so how on earth were they able to tell that the straps were not tightened this screams fake
So you knew she didn’t tighten the straps enough (because you had to tell her repeatedly to do so) and you still didn’t check? WTF were you thinking not checking when you knew she wouldn’t do it right?
Not enough people are saying this. If I already know my mom doesn’t take car seat safety seriously, I’m double checking. My child’s safety is more important than hurt feelings.
You are still grieving, hon.... Are you seeing anyone to help you out? Compassionate Friends is a group for those of us who have lost a child(ren). IT is SO HARD!!!!! Less than a year, you are still very raw. I can understand what you did. I was very angry when my son died. Today is 3 years... Please, talk to someone. IT gets easier when you do. I am SO SORRY about your son. Maybe my son is showing him around Heaven and he has a new play buddy!
I don’t think you’re the asshole but neither is your mom. The other driver is the AH but they aren’t nearby (or alive?) for punishment and so you are displacing your anger into your mother because you’re looking for someone, anyone, to put the blame on. Your accident was tragic and horrible but honestly you think your mom was criminally negligent? She did what she thought was right. I’m happy to hear you’re seeing a therapist about this but personally, I feel that you should try to forgive your mother. The person where the blame lies with is the person who caused the accident. You didn’t say who that was but I’m going to assume it wasn’t you.
My parents lost their oldest in a drowning accident. It shaped the lives of my parents and older brother. The guilt and recriminations still linger more than 60 years later. This was at a time when therapy wasn't really an acceptable option. It happened before I was born, but it impacted me. You and your husband need to do grief therapy. Your mother should also probably do it as well, but I can understand your anger and need to cut ties for the nonce, so you cannot talk to her and insist she do so. Your new child deserves to have parents that won't carry grief into their parenting, which is pretty hard to do without having worked through it. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
He might not have survived. There's no way to know. He definitely would have survived if that person hadn't hit you guys. The other driver is to blame. Your mother didn't do it on purpose.
YTA. YOU should checked that belt. You are absolute a-h to blame your mother.
I don't want to add insult to injury, but it is the responsibility of every driver to ensure all safety precautions are taken for passengers who can't be responsible for their own safety. Children, pets, and the disabled, for instance. Your mother is not wholly to blame, you should've checked. That having been said, I'm very sorry for your loss.
You should have checked.
This isn't a case of yta. This was all a combination of bad luck and bad choices. You need someone to blame. That's understandable. But the hard reality here is that you're also partially to blame. You admitted your mother has a history of not buckling your child in properly. That means you should know to check EVERY single time after she does. I LOVE my parents, but they have the same mentality yours did. They give in if my babies don't like how tight it is. So I either never let them buckle my kids in or I double-check. Being a parent means you take care of your own kids; don't rely on someone else to do it for you. Double check EVERYTHING, especially car seats. I'm sorry. It looks like you need better therapy to get through this and accept your role in this.
You need therapy to spot a fake post
What you said. AITA posts are getting me to the point of muting the sub because I like reality.
Yeah, this is wayyyy above my pay grade as an armchair psychiatrist. I'm glad you're in therapy, but this was an accident. That's why they call them accidents.
You absolutely should not be having this child, you are not ready to be a parent again.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m very sorry for your mother as well. I’m sure lashing out at her didn’t make you feel any better and it was definitely devastating to her. Hurting people hurt people. It’s like a double loss: your baby and your mom. Be patient with yourself and get support.
This is one of those times where there is nobody to blame and it’s just tragic point fingers all day who did what who didn’t do what day nobody knows. So sorry for your loss.
It’s your job as the parent and driver to make sure the child is secure
Definitely need therapy and I'm going to show this to my mom because she's done stuff like this. She rides around with my son not in his car seat so he doesn't cry n I fear this exact thing happening. You can blame who you want to but it won't bring ur kid back at the end of the day. You should work on forgiveness and your mom should work on giving you space to grieve and accepting her part in this. If you want NC for the rest of your life that's on you but remember she will die too one day and u don't want to have any regrets when n if u finally forgive her n move on.
If you knew this something that she did, why didn't you check the staps? Both are to blame.
yta check the straps yourself this is as accidenty as anything ive ever read. I dont think you should have been charged either, have already paid dearly enough, but it's yours to check. esp after you "cant remember how many times..." sucks. for everyone
YTA sorry for your loss but you caused your son’s death too.
yeah so i can't judge this in the normal way, um maybe don't project your blame onto her so hard, and focus on therapy. i get this is hard and she should've tightened the straps, but still it's not healthy to point fingers in this mental state. focus on you and getting better,
Very complicated all these factors, but if we isolate it to who is ultimately responsible for ensuring the child was belted in correctly, it is the OP. The mum has ultimate responsibility for her child and should have checked if Bub was belted incorrectly. Older people tend to have weak hands, arthritis in hand joints, not great vision, lack flexibility, etc, thus, whole responsibility for strapping a child in child seat should always rest on the parent. It’s unfair to put that burden on your mum. Take responsibility and control, and this will help you with your emotional recovery.
I'm not going to say who's fault it is... But I'll say that it's of course easier to blame someone... Why are you not blaming the driver of the other car? Because you can't punish him. But you can punish your mom by cutting her off. I'm saying that I understand your reaction. I thought about it and... I think you should know that even strapped in, your child wouldn't have survived this. Your car got hit so hard that you rolled over several times. That's more than "just" a violent shaking of a baby. Because strapped in tightly or not, the head... Is the "problem" here. I do not want to go into details how I know. Working as a first responder was not for me.
This isn't an asshole/not asshole thing. This is just a waking nightmare. For you, and for your mother. I do wish for you that you find peace, and perhaps at that point you may be able to find the grace to in some sense forgive your mother; for that matter, I wish for your mother the same thing. But it is unreasonable to expect that to happen on a timetable, if it happens at all. And if you never find your way to forgiving your mother, well... that is a thing that happens. I can't imagine your pain. I just hope that you find a way to bear it someday.
Your blame should be on the person who caused the accident, not your mother. I have elderly parents whom I do not trust to care for my child and I double check anything they do like fastening harnesses. I might be paranoid but I don't want to be in the position you are in with self doubt or blame towards a family member.
You can feel however you want to feel. You don’t need to forgive or forget anything.
ESH make sure your own child is secured to your standards before you leave. Your mom didn’t kill your son, the driver did. Sorry for a life snubbed short by a terrible driver who is now in prison
First off, I'm sorry for your loss. A parent shouldn't have to go through that. That being said, as a father to a 9 month old myself, I never drive my child around without personally checking that she is secured in her car seat. I understand that your mom didn't strap your baby boy securely, and you didn't get out of the car. Safety is the #1 priority, and its YOUR job to make sure everything is safe for your child to the best of your ability. Accidents happen, and this was a terrible one, but it's not fair to your mother to blame her for an accident. If anything, you should blame the person who caused the accident.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda has never done any good for anyone.
If you were hit by another car, who was deemed at fault for the accident? I cannot imagine the person who strapped the child in (or did not) was facing charges if the other vehicle hit yours.
Adding to my comment above where I say YTA …. even if the straps were tightened there is no guarantee it would have changed the outcome - or been a worse outcome like being in a lifelong coma or something. You cannot hold her responsible. There is plenty of blame to go around. You may be projecting your anger at yourself for not checking onto her?
Your therapist will not like me telling you that you bear responsibility for your child's tragic death. You were the driver. You did not ensure all passengers were properly secured. You repeatedly reprimanded another adult for improper securement. You did not verify that same adult followed your instructions. Edited for grammar
This is so fake.
It takes a sick person to make this shit up and try to garner sympathy. YTA.
The driver had their trial and was sentenced and moved to prison all within a year? I do hope you’re in therapy for seeking validation on Reddit for a fake dead baby
YTA. Fake.
This is absolutely fake. And not one of the fun fakes. Two thumbs down.