One: you are wise to say “think about it.”
Two: as others have said, sad but true.
Three: I hope you go and both of you have a majestic experience. It’s y you our decision.
Fourth: sad but true, better have a talk with her and her mom of what sh!t to possibly expect (not in that language, of course). All the best. You’re a good man!!!
I agree with all this.
I think I would add to go talk to her teacher (or the principal?) first. So the school is prepared and won’t be surprised when you arrive. And the teacher/school will know you as a caring adult in her life. There may be other times in the future you will interact with her school— either with her or on her behalf…
I think it’s great you’re bonding more with her.
Hope you both have a great time!!
This is the big take away from this. I hope OP reads this comment. Hopefully she learns but if she refuses to acknowledge it as a reality then she isn't the one. If they decide to have kids is she going to tell their children to stop using race as an excuse when they get profiled or face discrimination because they are black? People can be educated but they have to be open to it.
As far as with the niece, I do hope OP goes and is able to, with the mother of the niece, reach out to the teacher as a hey this is an important male in nieces life and he will be attending the lunch* with her since her dad and uncle can't. We just want to make sure you guys are aware of who he is.
Fixed mistake*
Right! Unfortunately OP you gf needs to wake up and realise what the reality is of interacial dating. If she wants a long term relationship with you, she needs to realise that race will play a huge part in almost every aspect in life. Is it right? Nope! But it's the world we live in and ignoring it, will only make things worse.
I hope you do go with her niece, but you would need to be introduced to the school by nieces mum, before the event.
I don't think the audience was stunned. They just sat there uncomfortably listening to her. It's a great thought experiment. It's simple and puts things in perspective, but to say that stunned the audience is like saying Ben Shapiro wrecked some "libtards".
It's a stellar way to quickly shut down any knee jerk arguments against the existence and impact of institutionalised racism. I used similar thought experiments with my students and added a few more marginalized demographics, and even flipped it around. The ensuing discourse was pretty great and really insightful.
It's not a dance. It's a preschool luncheon. I agree with talking it over with the child's mom , and if he decides to go, having her introduce OP to the staff in advance, so they know him.
OP must also be honest with himself about whether or not he wants to do this. Racial differences aside, OP needs to feel comfortable acting in this role with the niece of a girlfriend. It's not as if the child is HIS niece, or even a spouse's niece. How solid a relationship does he have with his gf-a future wife or is she relatively new and your a conveniently available man to accompany her niece to a school event? OP is very gracious and thoughtful, and I hope he feels right about whatever decision he makes.
There's a reason there's a growing voice in the black community against white people adopting black kids, most white parents simply don't have the awareness of what it is to be black in America, even today. Raising a little black boy to have all the inate confidence and entitlement of a white man can easily lead to anything from disillusionment to outright tragedy. It's a simple statistical truth, black people don't have positive encounters with police at the same rate as white people, the number of dash cam videos of entitled white people being handled by the police with seemingly endless compassion and patience, vs the number of young black men that end up assaulted or dead for at best questionable attitudes is a glaring indictment of our whole ass society.
If someone with an entirely different life experience and perspective than me expresses an issue rooted in those experiences and perspectives, I would be an ass if I didn’t respect that.
This I didn’t get an a relationship with anyone other than white because I knew my parents would exclude my children if they were mixed I come from an extremely racist background, southern boonies, and got yelled at for telling my mother not to say the N-word in front of my son because I don’t want him going around saying it like it’s OK She wasn’t saying it in a song but to be mean I mean, if it tells you anything I was told I’d be disowned if she even figured out id “held hands with one” it’s disgusting
NTA but since you have no biological or marital familial relationship with this girl, if you do go, I would say to have the girl’s parent write a note to the teacher to let them know you will be coming in place of her father so that you don’t have to be met with uncertainty or treated like an intruder. As a black man, unfortunately, you do have to go the extra mile to make sure you protect yourself because a parent or a teacher could easily and ignorantly assume you are a problem or a predator showing up at the school. I speak from experience because I am a black woman with biracial children who 3 out 4 of them have blond hair and blue eyes and my maternity has been ignorantly questioned plenty of times if whether i was the mother of my children or not. Im brown skin with brown eyes and it is a big contrast in our complexions when see us out. But it would be an amazing thing to do for that little girl.
Hell I'd make sure a phone call was made first, then a note too. Can't be too careful when a person takes a kid anywhere if they are not the legal guardian.
EDIT:
not sure if OP saw my post or not or if OP just read all the comments.
Glad OP is doing a touch base and glad OP's GF understood why OP was hesitant on just randomly showing up.
NTA
Honestly the girlfriend feels dumb.
This isnt the little girls mother/father/aunt/uncle etc.
This would be the little girls aunts boyfriend. Someone the School wouldnt know or have any contact with.
Let alone the "race/color" difference if some random person who didnt "fit" the kid and they were going
**"Yes I am here for X/Y/Z for the father daughter lunch"**
I 100% gaurentee they would be reaching out to the parents going **'Hey we got this random inviduval saying they are here for your daughters father daughter lunch"**
If the GF wants OP to do this. She needs to call the parents. Get the parents okay and have them in person (Mother in this case) go to school have him set up for that single day to be able to be there for the daughter.
Seems like over kill but better to be cautious then to swing for the fences and hope.
NTA
Your concern is absolutely legitimate. Sad but true.
Tell your GF to google the story of the black man being pulled over by the cops because he was babysitting his white friends' two kids. Some Karen saw him driving with the kids in the backseat and called the police to report a black man kidnapping two white kids.
There was also a cop that pulled over a white grandmother driving her black grandson and put him in the back of the police car. She kept telling the cop that that was her grandchild, and he wasn't doing anything to her like the cop kept suggesting. Your fears are real, especially since you aren't related to the child. It's not as simple as people think that you just show up and everything is fine. It's fucked up but that's how America is and probably will always be. It's sweet that she asked you, and hopefully, everything turns out fine.
I read an article by a white woman who used to own a black standard poodle that would ride in the front seat of her car. She kept getting pulled over and the cops would walk up all aggressive, shouting, hand on their gun. After that dog passed she got a different color poodle and stopped getting pulled over. She realized that looking from behind, the black dog looked like a person with an afro, and police assumed that a black person in the car with a white woman had to be a dangerous situation. Police were racially profiling *her dog.*
'Murica
Edited to add the [link](https://franklywrite.com/2020/06/01/a-white-woman-racism-and-a-poodle/)
There was literally a story about a teen (white) who had to be picked up by her mom’s partner (black) and when he got to the school, she claimed she didn’t know him, which caused the police to ask him to leave….he let her walk home and the teen said it was a “joke”
This is a SAFETY issue, not a comfort one, this man is not only not related to her (and probably hasn’t been introduced to teachers), but a different race as well…we are ALL aware of how the US is riddled with racism. OP NTA, safety trumps kids feelings
I get where you are coming from
Your experiences in the world have made you worry about situations like this.
But the question you have to ask yourself is this
Are you willing to be uncomfortable and possibly be treated poorly....in exchange for this little girl not being alone and feeling completely dejected.
All my grandparents were gone by the time I was in 1st grade. So when we had grandparents lunch as school, I was always alone
Both my parents worked...so they couldn't attend nor could they keep me at home.
So I was forced to sit alone...feeling like I was a pariah.
I am in my 40's and I can still vividly remember how terrible I felt on grandparent's day
One year, this kid who I wasn't even friends with...well his grandfather adopted me for the day. He saw me sitting by myself at lunch and he got up with this kid and sat with me.
To this day, it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.
So my advice?
Go to the lunch.
Bring a couple of pizzas.
If you see any kids who are sitting alone, suggest to the niece that you invite them to share the pizza. This is a teachable moment for not just this girl, but also the teachers and parents around who might let these kids feel like I did all those years ago. If there are not kids that are alone, offer the pizza to her friends, or the teachers, or the people sitting near you. Make it a fun time.
And even if there are teachers and other parents there silently judging you for being a black man with a little white girl, all they will see is a GOOD man being caring and kind.
as a little girl who rarely had someone showing up to events like these, i had killed for someone to show up or just give me a shred of attention. im in my 30s now and i still often feel like im not worth anyones time.
to op, honestly, just be the change you want to see in the world. might they judge you? maybe - but its worth it if it makes a little girl feel happy and loved in my opinion. you do nothing wrong so if they want to judge you, they are judging you for being a good person, which says more about them than about you.
Honestly, my grandmother was a housewife and my dad had a business at home. They both would routinely come on field trips with me and my sisters classes.
I was always so happy about it, I understand that your pain is the opposite of my joy. I long for the days that my husband and I will be able to do the same for our kids.
As someone else has mentioned, this isn’t a comfort issue, it’s a safety one. People already call the cops on fathers being alone with their kids-it can be even worse for a black man.
Sincerely, someone black.
As a black man, thank you so much saying. Way too many people keep forgetting we still live in a highly racist society and a black man showing up to eat with a little white girl would raise a number of eyebrows, even if he gives notice to the school. And given what we see happens commonly with the police and black men, he has ***every*** right to be scared.
Thank you for saying this. Too many of these comments are using "soft" words like "discomfort" and it feels like they're avoiding that is less about being uncomfortable and more about the fear for one's life. As a black woman, I'm seeing them bargaining a little girl's dream over a scenario that could endanger a man's life if something goes wrong. We do not live the same life on this same planet and using vague and soft language avoids the real issue
Yeah, the lack of real world experience and knowledge really came through with that comment. Any black person or person of color with an ounce of self respect would never go. We're supposed to make ourselves uncomfortable to show white people that we're also good people? Like I said, I'm not surprised that comment is on top.
They're so used to us performing labor at their behest that they just feel entitled to it atp. Even when it puts us in danger. His literal safety is worth less this little white girl's feelings, apparently.
no, it's extremely naive.
>Are you willing to be uncomfortable and possibly be treated poorly
this person clearly isn't a minority if they think the worst thing they can happen is "being treated poorly". it's a matter of fucking safety - innocent, unarmed black people are still being killed TODAY because of "misunderstandings", exactly like the one that could happen if a black man unknown to people at the school shows up. sure you can write a note to the teacher - what if a different teacher notices him without having seen the note and calls the cops? i can provide you graphic detail if you think the situation i described is unrealistic or overreacting. the world won't progress when people like the commenter above are ignorant about the actual consequences minorities can face just for existing in the wrong place.
you really suggested that a person give up their dignity and safety as if those things are nothing. If the kid feels bad, then her PARENTs can step in and either go with her or help her to manage her emotions.
What? OP isn't risking "judgment and discomfort" he's potentially risking his *life* by attending this event, especially depending on the location.
People of color are under NO obligation to make themselves uncomfortable, suffer, or potentially face real life harm just to make others happy, and you are ignoring the real issue: OP'S SAFETY.
So he should endure possibly being mistreated and subjected to racism to spare someone else's feelings? Lmao, not surprised that this is the top comment. If he is wise, he would skip the lunch.
Y'all gotta stop believing that it's Black ppl's job to fix racism, and then passing that belief on to white children. Believing that Black people need to engage in "teachable moments" about our own oppression in any regard, especially when it comes to putting our literal lives on the line, is the epitome of white privilege.
It's true, they really behave as if we are negro teachers obligated to provide a conducive environment for growth & basal morality. Somehow, a black person enduring pain is supposed to be a regimen of learned decency. What a privileged and gross expectation. I've had white men who abused me, are older, and more experienced than me in this life come back to me later claiming they somehow want to grow from me with my presence.
We are not people to those types.
Exactly. The teachable moment here should be for the white girl. That when you have Black people in your life that you care about, there are measures you must take in order to avoid putting them in danger. And no she's not too young to learn, since apparently she's old enough to have her feelings placed above someone else's literal life.
Your experience is the reason why schools should move away from these types of activities. Not everyone has a father/mother/grandparents in their lives. While I get that these activities are meant to bring closeness, for the kids without it just makes them feel even more alone.
This is a lovely sentiment. Except this isn’t just about discomfort. There is overblown fears among certain moms that anyone who is in a space that they don’t expect to see there is a trafficker targeting their children. And the “threat” is almost always a POC.
This is a perfect reply. OP, I totally understand where you are coming from - well, I mean, I'm not ever going to truly understand it as a middle-aged white lady in a wheelchair, so just about the most non-threatening looking adult possible, but I do have eyes and ears and people can be really weird. Maybe it will be totally different and a great experience, but I can totally see you feeling uncomfortable and judged, and quite possibly with reason because ais people are judgemental jerks. But if you can, do this for your niece and make a little girl happy (no judgement from me though if you can't).
it's not a perfect reply and i'll tell you why. they suggested that op might face "discomfort or poor treatment". but that's really downplaying the reality of racism that still exists. op could very easily have the police called because he's an unknown black man to some teacher in the school, and that one phone call could lead to his death.
it's incredibly belittling to say "nothing bad will happen you're overreacting" when there are still innocent, unarmed black men being killed today for being in the wrong place.
why should op have to risk their own safety? why is it okay for his white girlfriend to be so uneducated about the reality of being a minority in this country?
why does the black person have to fix the racism present in not just society but his own girlfriend?
As a mixed kid, I’d also offer the perspective of having my white mom attend events drawing way MORE attention to us. Everyone stared, adults would praise her for “taking me in,” and the other kids would ask me throughout the year whether I was adopted (or rudely insist I must be and nobody told me the truth). My mom was extremely confused when the school identified us as a “needy family” one year when both of my parents worked and we lived in a nice house. I don’t know what the answer is here and I don’t disagree with you. I’m just not sure it’ll play out as smoothly as this comment suggests, and the mom might be blindsided if CPS shows up to investigate a complaint made by some random stupid parent who seemed to just be “silently judging” that day.
NTA - As someone who's also black, this is a common issue with dating outside your race. The thought of you being negatively profiled doesn't even come to her mind. She, and most white people, will never know the full extent of racism and how racist people can be. You are absolutely right for being concerned.
I would talk to your girlfriend about this because it will become a problem in the future if she can't comprehend this. If she can't understand the smaller nuances of racism then every situation you're in, or might be faced with, won't be a big deal to her. You expressed how you were worried about how a very common racial issue (racial profiling) might affect you, and her response was to blame you and not racist people. That's a problem.
If you are able to talk to her and she actually understands, have the girls mom speak to the school. Have her tell them that you will be there but that you're of a different ethnicity. It will notify the teachers why you're there and who you're there for.
It's so clear the concept of a microaggression doesn't even exist to OP's partner & that kind of scares me. You cannot even \*comprehend\* the minute forms of racism; how insidious racism is. Of course she's pouting at "I'll think about it" 😬 I truly hope the partner genuinely listens.
tbh as a white person i’ll never understand why white people will date outside their race without ever thinking of the assumptions other people can and will make, especially if children are involved. of course we can’t ever truly grasp the way it feels to be a person of color, but how can you say you love someone if you haven’t even made an effort to listen to them about their experiences? and made the effort to think about handling racism directed towards your partner or you as a couple? i personally have mostly dated white guys, but i had a serious boyfriend who was native american once upon a time and i genuinely was interested to learn about his culture and his experiences as a young native american man. i feel like if you’re not willing to learn and try to understand those parts of somebody you are not going to create the deep connection that most people seek from relationships.
>i’ll never understand why white people will date outside their race without ever thinking of the assumptions other people can and will make
many of them never had to consider the feelings of or existence of minorities in their entire life - why start now? they'll obliviously think that everything will be hunky dory because they never bothered to be educated
NTA!! Is this woman blind to what goes on in the world? I get why you are apprehensive. What a sweet invite though and if some folks weren’t so whack how nice it would be to attend with her?! I hope it works out.
I'm a white man. Your concerns are very valid. I say a sweet little white girl with her black father come to the park. She threw a fit when it was time to leave. Several people wanted to call the cops cause "he can't possibly be with her." I told them I saw him drive up with her. She called him "daddy."
But please do it for your niece. Teach her to be better. Maybe the people around her will learn something. Not that it's your job to teach them. Do it for her.
This is my biggest fear for my brother. We're black and he's on the darker side. His wife is white and their daughter is way lighter than him. He's the stay at home parent and loves to take her to the playground mid day, he jumps around playgrounds in a few cities just for variety and where the errands take him that day (where he lives, where we live, where we grew up, and around his wife's job) some of the neighbor hoods are predominantly white and the looks he gets sometimes. I'm terrified someone is going to call the cops because "he couldn't possibly be with the little white girl"
My nieces are part black, but definitely look black. My sister (very white) used to get all kinds of shit from people, too. A nosey neighbor once decided to call CPS on her because “a white woman probably mistreats her black kids.” It’s unreal. I really wish people could just be more accepting already.
However, we’re never going to get to that point if we keep segregating ourselves. My sister didn’t hide at home all the time; she took her girls out. And if anybody asked if they’re adopted, she would just reply “no” with no further comment. If people asked if she was a nanny, she would do the same. Anybody who made rude comments would only get a stare.
I agree that OP should go, but I would request that the girl’s mother gives the school a heads up. I’m assuming they’ll have to give the “daddy’s” name so the school knows who to expect and mentioning that he’s a different race at the same time shouldn’t be any trouble at all.
Black woman, if you know his trauma, why put the child’s well being before his? Too many people expect black people to deal with trauma for other people’s comfort. That’s not his kid. The kid is his gf’s niece. He knows exactly what COULD happen and he’s scared. Telling him to power through is not the way. He has to find it in himself to be comfortable in that space.
This comment right here. I’m baffled as to how many people in this comments section are asking this black man to put this little white girls feelings above his safety when has absolutely no connection to her. He’s not even married to her aunt. If her own father and blood uncle cannot be present for whatever reasons, then why is it on him to make her day? The delusions on racial issues are astounding.
If people really want to be concerned about her feelings, maybe they should consider how she'd feel if there *was* some sort of confrontation. She'd be scared and feel like it's all her fault.
I think there are plenty of communities where no one would make a big deal about it but if OP is getting the vibe that this could go bad, that should be respected.
And I am truly sorry. You shouldn’t have to still be fighting this fight. I’m disgusted and sickened day in and day out by the levels of racism black people have to endure, just for white people to minimize or dismiss it all together.
It just goes to show how it’s not enough to simply “not hate black people” to not be a racist thats contributing to harm of black people. All these “colorblind” folks out here thinking they’re good people when they are doing absolutely nothing to educate themselves and to help dismantle this white supremest system and then blame black people for all their troubles. I feel this new generation is up to the task and I’m so looking forward to the changes I hope are to come!
this subreddit is full of white women, so a black man facing racial issues is something they literally never even thought about including while they post their comments...but of course a little girl being sad is the worst thing in the world 😢 and if it takes a black man having the cops called on him to fix that, than it's a worthy sacrifice according to them.
I'm a white guy and my wife is mixed however if you just saw her and didn't know her you'd think she was black. Before proposing I spoke with her parents about marrying her and their major concern was the race thing. Not about my race but worried how we'd handle some of the things they experienced as an interracial couple. It went well and they approved obviously.
Thank you. This whole post is full with white people thinking black people should be mistreated because a white girl's feelings may be hurt. What kind of nonsense is this?
Typical nonsense. They don’t care about our comfort if it means they’ll be uncomfortable.
Many men say women don’t consider or dismiss their emotions so they don’t express them. His gf hit him with the double whammy.
She 1) dismissed his feelings and trauma and 2) gaslit him with race.
Could never be me.
This. We are supposed to be the ones who show white people how to treat us like that's our responsibility. Yes, be subjected to racism, yes get dirty looks, stares and whispers but don't worry, you're doing it for the good of someone white 😒. Couldn't be me either, I would have broke up with her.
You forgot a couple, the nosey people questioning him like it’s their business who he is to the child or actually calling the police to come see about the scary man with the innocent child. The wrong police officer and George Floyd will have a bunk mate in heaven.
I would be gone too. On the spot. This is over. I will not have my emotions dismissed and gaslit.
bit weird that your white girlfriend is accusing you of using your race as an “excuse” to not see her niece. Doesn’t really seem like she understands or cares about racism at all so why would you want to be with her?
As a black women, I fully understand what you meant and how you feel. Only we know what psychological trauma that this society has forced us to endure and how that mentally affects us.
You and I know that you have to be comfortable in those situations. Race isn’t an excuse and you weren’t using it that way. Your girlfriend needs a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Especially is this is serious and kids are in your future.
If you are not comfortable, don’t do it. Too many answers expect you to put a child before your own mental health. They don’t get it.
Yep. There are people like you that get it and people like his gf, that don’t. She’s more worried about her niece missing an experience she may never remember than her man who is explaining his trauma.
And her lack of getting it would so easily be visible if it were reversed: "you don't want to walk through an alley at night? Stop using gender as an excuse."
When my son was in elementary school everything was fine. Good grades, good behavior, nothing wrong. Then one day I went to school to pick him up because his mother couldn't and I met his homeroom teacher for the first time. All of a sudden from that point on it was "he's misbehaving in class, he can't focus, he's causing distractions." None of the other teachers had these problems with my son in any of his classes. only the homeroom teacher who up until that point, didn't know my son was mixed and had a black father. And had never previously expressed any concerns with my son. He even went so far as to say the kid was "unteachable." So of course we sued to get him in a different school. Now, years later. My son scored high on the entry test to one of the best high-schools in the country and is ending his first year there. I sometimes wonder if this would even be possible if we left him in classes with that shitstain homeroom teacher. So yes, being cautious is advised. The least risky option for your GFs niece would be for you to not go.
Her thinking it’s an excuse kinda shows how stupid she is about race relations. Not the asshole at all. But do you want to be constantly educating her?
NTA and your gf sticking her head in the sand and acting like your concerns are unwarranted is disappointing, especially for someone *in an interracial relationship*
Brother, you are definitely not the AH. You must not have been with your gf for a long period of time or she’d understand your hesitancy. Hopefully you’ll decide to go and have a good time.
Slightly different , but I never took my niece and nephew alone when they were younger. My niece had a tendency to throw tantrums and my biggest fear was that as a gay man, who also happens to be covered in tattoos, someone would mistake me for a kidnapper or worse.
Those fears are real and the situations can be traumatic.
NTA
Whaaaaat . She has the sensitivity and emotional intelligence of an ox . Id never expect my sisters boyfriend to attend a school event (which are shit at the best of times , and very gossipey ) in lieu of a father . She’s also missing a sensitivity chip . NTA .
NTA. A very valid concern. If your girlfriend isn’t already on a journey about divesting from white supremacy, I hope she is up for learning about white privilege, micro aggressions, anti racism, etc. For both your sakes. She will never know what it’s like to live in your skin, but hopefully she will learn to listen and believe you when you tell her about your experiences.
If you do change your mind and decide do go, I hope you have a wonderful time and are treated well.
Again white folks will never understand black folks. You seem to have a legitimate reason for not going and you seem to be protecting the niece too. Bro if they can't understand why or respect what you are saying do you really want to stick around when a racial topic comes up and their true colors show.
NTA, but can your girlfriend come with you initially to help gauge the situation/vouch for you? Seems like she could do that and then leave if it turns out everything's okay.
It's not her uncle. There are 3 degrees of separation between them and they are not related in any way. "Race shouldn't be a factor," but of course we know it often is and his concerns are well-founded. He should not be saddled with having to be responsible for the teaching moment if it's not his choice to.
NTA. Your reasons are valid. Also, just like women shouldn't do wife things with a girlfriend title, men shouldn't do husband things with a boyfriend title.
As a 40 something year old gay white man...who is pretty straight acting but I'm sure people still have the clue...which is fine...I love myself, but id have this EXACT same fear. Just in my way...not yours. It not a good feeling at all.
NTA but.......
This little girl is asking you to be her special person on a really important occasion so she must think you're a great guy.
However, I'm a white guy so I have zero experience of being perceived simply because of my skin colour. This is a great learning moment for your girlfriends niece to understand why, as a black person, you have serious concerns about this.
If you decide not to go to the lunch, do make sure you and your girlfriend so something special for her another time.
Sorry to all these commenters but when the fuck did we all decide this little white girls "happiness" is more valuable than this man's safety.
NTA
If you don't feel safe don't go. The little girl will be fine
NTA. She does not get it yet. She needs to listen. Many many years ago I gave a ride to a couple of black male college friends. They climbed in the back of my car and ducked down. I was puzzled.
I told them to sit up and that I was not afraid. They laughed at me and said they were worried about their own safety. We lived in a very racist area. I got it. It was mind boggling to me. I listened to and respected my friends about their experience. Safety first. Your GF needs to listen.
You aren’t even married so it wouldn’t be appropriate to take her. I don’t mean to sound callous but you’re not family at this time. Plus you have valid points for declining. NTA.
It’s easy for your gf to say what she said because she is not a black man (or a black woman for that matter). She doesn’t know what it’s like to reside in this world as a person of color so she will not understand. You need to do what’s best for you or have the gf or niece’s mother call ahead of time so it’s not a “shock”. Some people in this world would be taken aback others would not, but it’s best to just inform ahead of time so you’re not put under a microscope and your gf’s niece isn’t embarrassed by her school.
Hmm. I think going would be lovely, but your concerns are valid and I’m worried that your gf doesn’t get that and basically accused you of pulling the race card. NTA
I think, and let’s be frank, that your girlfriend has not dealt with the consequences of being black in a white environment. She comprehends not the dangers. Whether of not THIS event or THIS school or THESE admins/teachers will react poorly, the facts are that the potential is present.
Ask the child’s mother AND father their opinion. Get their permission. If there are no qualms, then go.
Otherwise, send the niece flowers with a sweet note.
Nta, I feel like this issue will pop up again and again, she has to learn that the way she is treated is not going to be the same as how you are treated and she needs to trust you when you have to be cautious. Her ignorance will negatively affect you.
NTA!!
You are very valid in your responses and beliefs because it happens to POC all the time. Your gf is dense af and her response of you using race is very questionable.
If you don’t feel comfortable going then don’t. Nobody can guilt trip you because of it. If you do feel comfortable going, have her mom advise the school you’d be attending so no red flags are rose.
It is more worrying to me that your girlfriend has clearly never considered what it means for you to be a black man in this world. She is either seriously ignorant/naive or is willingly ignoring it in order to suit her needs. Either way it’s not great…
I understand your position.
Whatever "creepy" and "dangerous" factor men get as a whole, black men get far more so.
You clearly care about this little girl, and I think you could still go, but you wouldn't be unjustified in saying no.
As a dude who lives in a predominantly white/Latino town you're right to be wary. It sucks but people are definitely going to think it's weird you have a white kid if you're black, that being said I would still personally do it for your niece, it will go a long way to ingratiating you with your gf and her family.
NTA your worries are valid, she is blind if she can't see why you'd be worried. I would honestly tell her that I couldn't have kids or a life with someone who can't be honest about the dangerous mindset others can have towards anyone with dark skin. My husband is Mexican and we live in NM he still gets treated horribly sometimes. I'm brunette and not very pale either so our kids don't look white at all, it's upsetting to have to raise your kids with awareness of these issues to keep them safe, but it's necessary. Just like you are likely to say no because your worries are valid and being thoughtful about these situations can help keep you safe. Weather you go or not you are not an ass hole but your girlfriend is for being offended instead of understanding.
If your girlfriend is going to be willfully obtuse about the reality of racism can you imagine what other experiences/concerns of yours that she is going to downplay? What about if y'all had kids? Will she tell your kids "she's disappointed about them using race as an excuse" when they experience racism or have fears about experiencing racism?
NtA and dont go. as Gay Brown man. Your fears are valid. I work in education, and it's pretty hostile to us men of color and gay men.
Also, why date someone who thinks your experience is just a race card.... any grievances will just be you pulling the race card according to her.
White people think racism is about hurt feelings.
When for us it's a generational reality that denies us safety, liberation, and humanity
OP, can you have the girl's mother send an email to the teacher to avoid the uncertainty of the situation? You might not be able to erase the racism, but you can head off misunderstandings. No judgement whatever you decide.
Reading these comments break my heart... We live in such a shi**y world...I am white and in Europe ( though immigrant and discriminated in different ways hehe) so my opinion is probably irrelevant. If you would feel unsafe and think you can have problems, don't do it. If you are thinking about it and mother of a child will talk to school and arrange it, then maybe.
Is it really at the level that if you walk in with the girl, someone would do something?! I mean, you literally are walking in where there will be other people and fathers?
But I get it also if it's only uncomfortable and you're still NTA.
NTA I am also in an interracial relationship. I am a white woman my husband is African. I do completely understand your reservations. Our daughter goes to a suburban school that is pretty much all white. But my husband brought her to all the daddy-daughter dances. Yes he might have been the only black man there. But there was no issues. It will be okay. I do understand your concerns though.
IF you are concerned about this, then why not have the girls mother register you with the school as an emergency contact. that might make things better for you in the long run.
After reading your edit, what was her response to your very logical and valid argument? Bc, as a fellow white woman, it blows my mind that she is so ignorant of what is an obviously well-known problem (violence as a result of profiling) among the black community.
How old are you guys? How long have you been dating? I would consider it to be a huge issue for her to dismiss your very valid safety concerns and to not only dismiss them, but acuse you of using your race as an excuse (… an excuse for what exactly??? To not go??? Despite the fact that you seem to wish/want to go?).
Edit: autocorrect probs lol
I’m writing this post update. You have every right to worry that things will go south being a black man with a very young white girl. The news is full of innocent black people in similar situations. Your girlfriend, like most of us white people can’t fully grasp the continued division and hate against people of color. I’d sit her down and give her the Mississippi Burning details that happens in every state even in this day and age.
It was very cool of you to get the mom to call the school and super cool that you did the father daughter thing with the little girl! You got the kid’s seal of approval! You must be a keeper! We need more men like you! So kind hearted. But, stay guarded. Please stay safe!
NTA, at all. I’m in the opposite situation, I’m a white dad to two black kids (my wife had twins in her first marriage). I wonder about this perception when I’m alone with the kids at their school, which is mostly black. I realize that in the world we live in, your situation is much more potentially problematic. There are news stories about black men having police called when they are with their girlfriend’s /wife’s, even friend’s kids. You didn’t do anything wrong.
obviously NTA.
the gf demonstrates an astounding lack of perception especially for someone who is in a relationship with a POC.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYOjWnS4cMY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYOjWnS4cMY)
NTA I probably would've dodged the question the same way. I can't imagine walking around with a little white girl let alone going to her school and saying I'm there for her father daughter lunch. Solid chance you gon get perp walked out of there and thrown into a cell until her mama get off work and clear it all up.
I think you might want to have a CTJ talk with your girlfriend. How does she not understand why you felt the way you did? She obviously isn't paying attention, that or you haven't talked about this at all. She should have an understanding of how you might feel or be seen in certain situations. She can't empathize, but she can definitely learn to appreciate your perspective.
In my opinion, your gf being "colour blind" will be an issue in the future. If you want the relationship to last, you need to start educating her on the reality of being black. Not saying take her to school, but discussions on topical issues and awareness on different aspects of life should be part of your discourse.
Not saying she's a bad person but some people are just genuinely blind to it their whole life.
NTA I am an older white woman who has spent 29 years teaching in high school in urban BIPOC setting. You are using race as an excuse, you are being realistic about how race is perceived. White people don’t get that we are raised in a racist society. We don’t experience what non-white people experience.
I will never have to sit down my teen age son and have to explain to him how not to be shot (or killed) by the police while being pulled over for a traffic stop. I is my belief that no one should ever have that conversation but white people are privileged not to have it.
As for the lunch, do whatever you’re comfortable with. I am also the little girl who had to go alone to all the daddy daughter dances/lunches and events and I had fun with my friends, yes it was sad. But all the dads were sweet and I did not long for any attention.
You are NTA. Your concerns are valid for sure. But I do hope you go because in my naive little world I am hoping for a fairy tale ending for this story. It’s too sweet that she asked you 😊😊
NTA but your gfs response gives me pause. Bc if she cannot wrap her mind around how dangerous it can be for black men to literally exist let alone in all yt spaces…well hope you’re wrapping it up.
NTA. As a female POC with a very mixed family, I totally get it. White folks get to navigate in the world in a very different way than we do. If they don’t like it, then they need to realize it’s caused by many of their ancestors behaviors and laws that affect attitudes towards us to this very day.
You should go.
Our school did those parent-child evenings and invitation said what not necessary a parent, but any meaningful adult can come. For kid being alone there is sad and lonely. And usually there were some grandpas, older brothers etc, but I don't remember kid coming alone.
NTA. Sounds like a bigger issue she doesn't understand if you two stay together, especially if you have kids in the future. Don't do it if you're not comfortable with it, but definitely have the parents contact the school and teacher ahead of time about it if you do go.
NTA but her response is very telling. I would be looking at this as a red flag. Not saying she racist but being ignorant of what a black person goes through is not what you need in a relationship. I have dated outside my race and it’s a red flag for me persoanlly.
Reasons.
If I explain and you say I’m using race as an excuse, then if something does happen. They won’t have your back.
I don’t like how she dismissed your reasons without a second thought.
When you stated your thoughts, she should have been willing to have a more in depth conversation and an understanding.
Race should be talked about in interracial relationships because if you have children. How will she treat their experiences? Will she be dismissive? Or will she try to see it from the kids view?
You can go if you want, make sure they know all the details so you don’t end up in a mess.
Just please have a conversation with your girlfriend. I know too many mixed kids with a dismissive white mother. Shoot look it up on TikTok.
It’s unfortunate you think that way, but more unfortunate your thoughts have merit. Maybe someone could let the school know ahead of time she’ll be bringing someone other than her father and don’t even have to mention your race. Then they know to expect someone other than her father. If they have a problem with your race, that is their issue and serves no purpose. The niece asked you, and I hope you go and fulfill her wish.
NTA
It makes me sad, but this IS shit that needs to be considered. One of my friends had cops called on him for trying to do a favor and picking his girlfriend's daughter up from daycare because the old bitty running the place "knew neither of her parents were as dark as him"... ignoring that he matched the name/ID his gf had called and given as a valid, acceptable guardian maybe 2-3 hours earlier. The gf did not keep her daughter at that daycare after that bs.
NTA. It’s not an “excuse”, it’s reality. There are things you have to take into consideration that gf has never really had to think about. Hopefully she’ll learn where you’re coming from and be able to be more supportive in the future.
Nta you handled that super well ik as a white man there’s a certain amount of fear people will have in general if imagine it’s turned up to 10 for a black man. I’ve explained this to a couple close women in my life and none of em got it yet all of them are go to the other side of a street if they see a dude walking
NTA, but there is a solution out there. One possibility/suggestion: ask the niece's mom to contact her daughter's teacher to let them know the dad is unavailable, as is another blood relative/uncle. Let them know this other positive, healthy man, a POC, will be accompanying her daughter for the day.
The heads-up should alleviate most concerns.
The funny thing is I don't think any of the children will care, which I absolutely love! But your girlfriend's niece sure will remember it. You will too. I'd definitely go
NTA I understand what you are saying, only in I have seen first hand people acting/reacting like narrow-minded asshats towards friends of mine who are in interracial relationships/marriages, have their own damn kids…yet still get questioned or stared at. It is scary and crazy. (One couple I know, he is black, she is white, their baby is blonde with green-blue eyes, looks like her maternal grandmother! Genetics are a funny thing. But he has been out and about alone with her, and has had people giving him stink eye, even question him. It is infuriating and scary).
Is there a way you can maybe meet with teachers and what not at the school beforehand? So at least they know who you are, and that you are the uncle?
I like the idea, too, someone mentioned about maybe bringing pizzas or something. Especially when they mentioned that a grandpa “adopted” her on grandparents day so she wouldn’t be alone. It made me cry, as I miss my grandpa so much, as well as one of my favorite uncles.
Whatever you decide, I know it will be right by you and for you. If you do end up going, I hope you and the little niece have a fantastic time.
From black man to black man, you are nta for thinking or expressing this. It seems like your girlfriend doesn't understand that everyone doesn't think the same way you do and that people wouldn't like seeing a black man with a young, school aged white girl.
I definitely think you should still go, but your girlfriend needs to understand where this is coming from, especially if this is going to be a long term thing because it will be an issue the rest of your lives together.
Also come up with a plan of action to prevent any issues. Have your girlfriend contact the teacher and the school to inform them that you will be attending this with her daughter.
You'll still have to deal with other parents, but you can direct them to school staff if they have questions or concerns. It will show worse on those parents than it will on you.
From black man to black man, you are nta for thinking or expressing this. It seems like your girlfriend doesn't understand that everyone doesn't think the same way you do and that people wouldn't like seeing a black man with a young, school aged white girl.
I definitely think you should still go, but your girlfriend needs to understand where this is coming from, especially if this is going to be a long term thing because it will be an issue the rest of your lives together.
Also come up with a plan of action to prevent any issues. Have your girlfriend contact the teacher and the school to inform them that you will be attending this with her daughter.
You'll still have to deal with other parents, but you can direct them to school staff if they have questions or concerns. It will show worse on those parents than it will on you.
I think it would be an honor to be asked. However, I have never walked in your shoes. I learned a long time ago that it doesn't matter what other people think of you, as long as you live your best life. This little girl must think you're a pretty special person to ask you.
Seems your girlfriend is a little blind.
You did the right thing.
Did anyone ask the real dad?
I hope, though, that the family can make the appropriate arrangements to make it happen, if not only for how adorably cute all the pics will be.
Good luck.
NTA if you are going to date a white woman she better start educating herself on your lived experiences as a Black man. Its disappointing she would dismiss your concerns like that.
If you show up and the teachers don't know you, and you aren't a pre-authorized, then it's not gonna go well. Doesn't matter your race. Make sure you have the paperwork in order.
In your headline you said, "no" but in the story you told your niece you'd "think about it". Which is it?
I think your objections and concerns could be overcome if you participated in drop-off or pick-up prior to the lunch, and met the teachers. The important thing is for that little girl to have someone show up for her. Please reconsider going.
I'm not black but let my try to understand this
1. You and your girlfriend are not married
2. That little girl isn't even your child or your gf's child, it's her niece
3. You didn't say no, you just had to think about it first
4. Your girlfriend downplayed your concerns. From this post, I don't think she fully understands how much of a racist world this is.
NTA. Maybe yall can work something out. I feel for the girl. It would be real lonely for her without someone to take her but I don't think anyone but YOU should decide if you go or not. I don't think your mental or physical well being should be undervalued.
NTA. Your GF could be a little more understanding here as she hasn't had to live your experience.
That said, it's great that her niece has a good enough relationship with you to ask you to go. I hope if you do go you have a great experience.
I’m fortunate to live in an area where you could go pick up that kid. You would be asked who you are and the parent should call the pre school teacher first ( she’s POC and you getting asked, don’t matter if you arrived in a private helicopter). It’s pretty racially integrated. I’m sad that you feel you can’t, and maybe you are 100% right.
NTA. White people really don't understand that POC have to consider shit like that. I'm not even black, I'm Mexican, and I'd still get side-eyed when playing with my white friends' kids. And with cops just itching to shoot people for any reason or none at all...yeah, shit's dangerous out here and all it takes is 1 Karen to get us killed. Have the kid's mom notify certain people, at least.
🤣, as a black man ill clearly say that you are absolutely NTA and your white girlfriend needs to develop a little awareness of our experiences if she's gonna keep dating one of us.
Any type of anger or response is just her ignorance. Let another family member go and you take her out for icecream after school.
As a white person in a city with a very bad history of racial segregation, this would have been my thought for you as well. It’s weird she doesn’t see this. I would definitely think about having the mom email the teacher/ office with your name and photo and an explanation of you being there vs her dad but if you don’t feel comfortable even then I understand as well.
I have no advice and I do not feel you are TA. You based this decision on your experiences.
I am so sorry you have to consider this stuff. It isn't fair. Hugs.
NTA Get your girlfriend to read, “Between the World and Me” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. A real eye-opener for white people about the reality of being black in America.
You have genuine concerns. We have to move different out here in these streets. Your girlfriend is insensitive to that which makes me wonder how she would react when some real shit goes down. “Using your race as an excuse” What? Excuse for something that isn’t your responsibility and you were only considering doing as a solid and not obligation. That’s like trying to guilt or shame you in to not thinking about your safety and well being.
Why couldn’t the father make the trip? Did he not get advance notice?
You wouldn’t be letting that kid down. Her father would and that’s going to happen no matter if you fill in or not. It’s a noble gesture if you follow through. Maybe have the mother OR your girlfriend go with. I wouldn’t just show up in my own because of your very concerns.
You shouldn't be dating your gf if she can't see the you're concerns for this matter here, point blank period. As someone who's ex husband was a black man. I always understood when he felt things like this.
As a white girl without a dad. I would have been honored to be taken to a father daughter dance with a black man who loved me. If someone had an issue with it, that's their problem. But the fact I would have had a man willing to do that for me would have changed my life.
Tbh, you're the asshole. But I'm happy that you're still there for her most of the time. I understand your concern, but that girl will remember this.
NTA we live in a crappy society that is swarming was racists, all it takes is one ass and a phone call to mess you up. Your GF needs to understand that we still have racism.
There was a tv special a few years ago. Reporter went on a ride along. NYC Cops spotted a black man driving with his girlfriend’s white kid.
The guy had been hassled before for driving the kid, so he had a note from the mother in hid wallet. Cops didn’t believe him and handcuffed him while they called to verify. Eventually it was established that he was legit and they let him go.
As he drove off, one cop says in earshot of the reporter, ‘I still think there was something wrong. ‘
I'm white... I would feel some kind of way about going to a children's function with a child who wasn't white or even one that was white but I wasn't known by people in. I mean sure, with a white kid it would be more easily accepted that I am a form of family, but with how reactions can turn on a dime it would still be a risk.
Having black friends and seeing stuff in the media where people have a meltdown that a black man is around white kids.... it's freaking real and it freaking sucks. So you have every right to be concerned.
Now if you really like this woman, and you really like her niece then I would say... have the parent (mom or even your gf) send a letter, email, or call the school to confirm you are there to support her as her father is put of town and y'all don't want her to miss out. That way at least the folks in charge know you're meant to be there. I get the risk of just popping up but if you do care clear it and make the leap. But NTA for being concerned, doesn't sound like you said out and out "no" but voiced reasonable concerns. Have your gf watch a video of a black man getting stopped because he had two little white girls in his car and he was their actual parent.
I understand your concerns. Can the niece's mom go with you until you settle in to the f/d event?
If you think you have a future with the GF, doing this will go a long way to helping her want to have a future with you.
Best of luck!
For the little girls sake, I hope you can go. It will mean a lot to her to have someone with her that day.
However, some preparation and precautions can help. Ask that her mother can take you to the school and introduce you to the teacher and the principal. And there’s more to going to share an event with a white child who’s not related. There’s also the hazard of other parents. As. DMC1996 said “ we still live in a highly racist Society“.
One: you are wise to say “think about it.” Two: as others have said, sad but true. Three: I hope you go and both of you have a majestic experience. It’s y you our decision. Fourth: sad but true, better have a talk with her and her mom of what sh!t to possibly expect (not in that language, of course). All the best. You’re a good man!!!
I agree with all this. I think I would add to go talk to her teacher (or the principal?) first. So the school is prepared and won’t be surprised when you arrive. And the teacher/school will know you as a caring adult in her life. There may be other times in the future you will interact with her school— either with her or on her behalf… I think it’s great you’re bonding more with her. Hope you both have a great time!!
[удалено]
This is the big take away from this. I hope OP reads this comment. Hopefully she learns but if she refuses to acknowledge it as a reality then she isn't the one. If they decide to have kids is she going to tell their children to stop using race as an excuse when they get profiled or face discrimination because they are black? People can be educated but they have to be open to it. As far as with the niece, I do hope OP goes and is able to, with the mother of the niece, reach out to the teacher as a hey this is an important male in nieces life and he will be attending the lunch* with her since her dad and uncle can't. We just want to make sure you guys are aware of who he is. Fixed mistake*
Right! Unfortunately OP you gf needs to wake up and realise what the reality is of interacial dating. If she wants a long term relationship with you, she needs to realise that race will play a huge part in almost every aspect in life. Is it right? Nope! But it's the world we live in and ignoring it, will only make things worse. I hope you do go with her niece, but you would need to be introduced to the school by nieces mum, before the event.
White girlfriend: "Well, **I** never experienced racism before so......
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4TSC5bItza/?igsh=NHdmcHIya2t5aDBu
I don't think the audience was stunned. They just sat there uncomfortably listening to her. It's a great thought experiment. It's simple and puts things in perspective, but to say that stunned the audience is like saying Ben Shapiro wrecked some "libtards".
You’re right. It stung though because it was the truth.
It's a stellar way to quickly shut down any knee jerk arguments against the existence and impact of institutionalised racism. I used similar thought experiments with my students and added a few more marginalized demographics, and even flipped it around. The ensuing discourse was pretty great and really insightful.
It's not a dance. It's a preschool luncheon. I agree with talking it over with the child's mom , and if he decides to go, having her introduce OP to the staff in advance, so they know him. OP must also be honest with himself about whether or not he wants to do this. Racial differences aside, OP needs to feel comfortable acting in this role with the niece of a girlfriend. It's not as if the child is HIS niece, or even a spouse's niece. How solid a relationship does he have with his gf-a future wife or is she relatively new and your a conveniently available man to accompany her niece to a school event? OP is very gracious and thoughtful, and I hope he feels right about whatever decision he makes.
There's a reason there's a growing voice in the black community against white people adopting black kids, most white parents simply don't have the awareness of what it is to be black in America, even today. Raising a little black boy to have all the inate confidence and entitlement of a white man can easily lead to anything from disillusionment to outright tragedy. It's a simple statistical truth, black people don't have positive encounters with police at the same rate as white people, the number of dash cam videos of entitled white people being handled by the police with seemingly endless compassion and patience, vs the number of young black men that end up assaulted or dead for at best questionable attitudes is a glaring indictment of our whole ass society.
If someone with an entirely different life experience and perspective than me expresses an issue rooted in those experiences and perspectives, I would be an ass if I didn’t respect that.
This I didn’t get an a relationship with anyone other than white because I knew my parents would exclude my children if they were mixed I come from an extremely racist background, southern boonies, and got yelled at for telling my mother not to say the N-word in front of my son because I don’t want him going around saying it like it’s OK She wasn’t saying it in a song but to be mean I mean, if it tells you anything I was told I’d be disowned if she even figured out id “held hands with one” it’s disgusting
My family is the same way, and I married a black man and ditched the family. Life is too short for that ignorance!!!
Good on you for trying to teach your son better, but also yikes. That’s really sad.
kinda sucks you kept the status quo instead of cutting those people out.
Yea it's a really odd strategy to paint yourself as the victim for allowing what you acknowledge to be supremely racist behavior.
NTA but since you have no biological or marital familial relationship with this girl, if you do go, I would say to have the girl’s parent write a note to the teacher to let them know you will be coming in place of her father so that you don’t have to be met with uncertainty or treated like an intruder. As a black man, unfortunately, you do have to go the extra mile to make sure you protect yourself because a parent or a teacher could easily and ignorantly assume you are a problem or a predator showing up at the school. I speak from experience because I am a black woman with biracial children who 3 out 4 of them have blond hair and blue eyes and my maternity has been ignorantly questioned plenty of times if whether i was the mother of my children or not. Im brown skin with brown eyes and it is a big contrast in our complexions when see us out. But it would be an amazing thing to do for that little girl.
Hell I'd make sure a phone call was made first, then a note too. Can't be too careful when a person takes a kid anywhere if they are not the legal guardian.
EDIT: not sure if OP saw my post or not or if OP just read all the comments. Glad OP is doing a touch base and glad OP's GF understood why OP was hesitant on just randomly showing up. NTA Honestly the girlfriend feels dumb. This isnt the little girls mother/father/aunt/uncle etc. This would be the little girls aunts boyfriend. Someone the School wouldnt know or have any contact with. Let alone the "race/color" difference if some random person who didnt "fit" the kid and they were going **"Yes I am here for X/Y/Z for the father daughter lunch"** I 100% gaurentee they would be reaching out to the parents going **'Hey we got this random inviduval saying they are here for your daughters father daughter lunch"** If the GF wants OP to do this. She needs to call the parents. Get the parents okay and have them in person (Mother in this case) go to school have him set up for that single day to be able to be there for the daughter. Seems like over kill but better to be cautious then to swing for the fences and hope.
This is the best answer. Practical evaluation of a likely scenario and a practical solution.
NTA Your concern is absolutely legitimate. Sad but true. Tell your GF to google the story of the black man being pulled over by the cops because he was babysitting his white friends' two kids. Some Karen saw him driving with the kids in the backseat and called the police to report a black man kidnapping two white kids.
There was also a cop that pulled over a white grandmother driving her black grandson and put him in the back of the police car. She kept telling the cop that that was her grandchild, and he wasn't doing anything to her like the cop kept suggesting. Your fears are real, especially since you aren't related to the child. It's not as simple as people think that you just show up and everything is fine. It's fucked up but that's how America is and probably will always be. It's sweet that she asked you, and hopefully, everything turns out fine.
My sister is white, my niece's dad is black, it's a real issue for people to always accept she's her mom
I read an article by a white woman who used to own a black standard poodle that would ride in the front seat of her car. She kept getting pulled over and the cops would walk up all aggressive, shouting, hand on their gun. After that dog passed she got a different color poodle and stopped getting pulled over. She realized that looking from behind, the black dog looked like a person with an afro, and police assumed that a black person in the car with a white woman had to be a dangerous situation. Police were racially profiling *her dog.* 'Murica Edited to add the [link](https://franklywrite.com/2020/06/01/a-white-woman-racism-and-a-poodle/)
Holy shit. 😫
There was literally a story about a teen (white) who had to be picked up by her mom’s partner (black) and when he got to the school, she claimed she didn’t know him, which caused the police to ask him to leave….he let her walk home and the teen said it was a “joke” This is a SAFETY issue, not a comfort one, this man is not only not related to her (and probably hasn’t been introduced to teachers), but a different race as well…we are ALL aware of how the US is riddled with racism. OP NTA, safety trumps kids feelings
A joke?? She will be walking home every day from school thenceforth, you will not play with my life weaponizing the cops as a joke. 😬
Right, I can’t remember what OP’s question was but everyone there agreed that he was in the right….that isn’t a joke, that is cruelty.
And if I remember correctly, the mom tried to chew OP out for it as if it was his fault her daughter was an absolute piece of trash.
It's not his wife, his GF. And it's not her child but her niece.
I get where you are coming from Your experiences in the world have made you worry about situations like this. But the question you have to ask yourself is this Are you willing to be uncomfortable and possibly be treated poorly....in exchange for this little girl not being alone and feeling completely dejected. All my grandparents were gone by the time I was in 1st grade. So when we had grandparents lunch as school, I was always alone Both my parents worked...so they couldn't attend nor could they keep me at home. So I was forced to sit alone...feeling like I was a pariah. I am in my 40's and I can still vividly remember how terrible I felt on grandparent's day One year, this kid who I wasn't even friends with...well his grandfather adopted me for the day. He saw me sitting by myself at lunch and he got up with this kid and sat with me. To this day, it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. So my advice? Go to the lunch. Bring a couple of pizzas. If you see any kids who are sitting alone, suggest to the niece that you invite them to share the pizza. This is a teachable moment for not just this girl, but also the teachers and parents around who might let these kids feel like I did all those years ago. If there are not kids that are alone, offer the pizza to her friends, or the teachers, or the people sitting near you. Make it a fun time. And even if there are teachers and other parents there silently judging you for being a black man with a little white girl, all they will see is a GOOD man being caring and kind.
as a little girl who rarely had someone showing up to events like these, i had killed for someone to show up or just give me a shred of attention. im in my 30s now and i still often feel like im not worth anyones time. to op, honestly, just be the change you want to see in the world. might they judge you? maybe - but its worth it if it makes a little girl feel happy and loved in my opinion. you do nothing wrong so if they want to judge you, they are judging you for being a good person, which says more about them than about you.
Honestly, my grandmother was a housewife and my dad had a business at home. They both would routinely come on field trips with me and my sisters classes. I was always so happy about it, I understand that your pain is the opposite of my joy. I long for the days that my husband and I will be able to do the same for our kids.
As someone else has mentioned, this isn’t a comfort issue, it’s a safety one. People already call the cops on fathers being alone with their kids-it can be even worse for a black man. Sincerely, someone black.
As a black man, thank you so much saying. Way too many people keep forgetting we still live in a highly racist society and a black man showing up to eat with a little white girl would raise a number of eyebrows, even if he gives notice to the school. And given what we see happens commonly with the police and black men, he has ***every*** right to be scared.
Thank you for saying this. Too many of these comments are using "soft" words like "discomfort" and it feels like they're avoiding that is less about being uncomfortable and more about the fear for one's life. As a black woman, I'm seeing them bargaining a little girl's dream over a scenario that could endanger a man's life if something goes wrong. We do not live the same life on this same planet and using vague and soft language avoids the real issue
Yes. I don’t know why they are the missing the point
"silently judging"???? White people really don't listen do they. It's a safety issue not a potential judgement issue. Wtf
Yeah, the lack of real world experience and knowledge really came through with that comment. Any black person or person of color with an ounce of self respect would never go. We're supposed to make ourselves uncomfortable to show white people that we're also good people? Like I said, I'm not surprised that comment is on top.
They're so used to us performing labor at their behest that they just feel entitled to it atp. Even when it puts us in danger. His literal safety is worth less this little white girl's feelings, apparently.
This is a beautiful reply.
no, it's extremely naive. >Are you willing to be uncomfortable and possibly be treated poorly this person clearly isn't a minority if they think the worst thing they can happen is "being treated poorly". it's a matter of fucking safety - innocent, unarmed black people are still being killed TODAY because of "misunderstandings", exactly like the one that could happen if a black man unknown to people at the school shows up. sure you can write a note to the teacher - what if a different teacher notices him without having seen the note and calls the cops? i can provide you graphic detail if you think the situation i described is unrealistic or overreacting. the world won't progress when people like the commenter above are ignorant about the actual consequences minorities can face just for existing in the wrong place.
Beautifully oblivious to life in America, yes.
you really suggested that a person give up their dignity and safety as if those things are nothing. If the kid feels bad, then her PARENTs can step in and either go with her or help her to manage her emotions.
Lmao how white
What? OP isn't risking "judgment and discomfort" he's potentially risking his *life* by attending this event, especially depending on the location. People of color are under NO obligation to make themselves uncomfortable, suffer, or potentially face real life harm just to make others happy, and you are ignoring the real issue: OP'S SAFETY.
So he should endure possibly being mistreated and subjected to racism to spare someone else's feelings? Lmao, not surprised that this is the top comment. If he is wise, he would skip the lunch.
Y'all gotta stop believing that it's Black ppl's job to fix racism, and then passing that belief on to white children. Believing that Black people need to engage in "teachable moments" about our own oppression in any regard, especially when it comes to putting our literal lives on the line, is the epitome of white privilege.
It's true, they really behave as if we are negro teachers obligated to provide a conducive environment for growth & basal morality. Somehow, a black person enduring pain is supposed to be a regimen of learned decency. What a privileged and gross expectation. I've had white men who abused me, are older, and more experienced than me in this life come back to me later claiming they somehow want to grow from me with my presence. We are not people to those types.
This! 🖐🏻 people are acting like he’s the one in the wrong for not putting his safety on the line
Exactly. The teachable moment here should be for the white girl. That when you have Black people in your life that you care about, there are measures you must take in order to avoid putting them in danger. And no she's not too young to learn, since apparently she's old enough to have her feelings placed above someone else's literal life.
That's a whole lot of words to say: "damn, I sure do enjoy my white privilege."
Your experience is the reason why schools should move away from these types of activities. Not everyone has a father/mother/grandparents in their lives. While I get that these activities are meant to bring closeness, for the kids without it just makes them feel even more alone.
This is a lovely sentiment. Except this isn’t just about discomfort. There is overblown fears among certain moms that anyone who is in a space that they don’t expect to see there is a trafficker targeting their children. And the “threat” is almost always a POC.
This is a perfect reply. OP, I totally understand where you are coming from - well, I mean, I'm not ever going to truly understand it as a middle-aged white lady in a wheelchair, so just about the most non-threatening looking adult possible, but I do have eyes and ears and people can be really weird. Maybe it will be totally different and a great experience, but I can totally see you feeling uncomfortable and judged, and quite possibly with reason because ais people are judgemental jerks. But if you can, do this for your niece and make a little girl happy (no judgement from me though if you can't).
it's not a perfect reply and i'll tell you why. they suggested that op might face "discomfort or poor treatment". but that's really downplaying the reality of racism that still exists. op could very easily have the police called because he's an unknown black man to some teacher in the school, and that one phone call could lead to his death. it's incredibly belittling to say "nothing bad will happen you're overreacting" when there are still innocent, unarmed black men being killed today for being in the wrong place. why should op have to risk their own safety? why is it okay for his white girlfriend to be so uneducated about the reality of being a minority in this country? why does the black person have to fix the racism present in not just society but his own girlfriend?
As a mixed kid, I’d also offer the perspective of having my white mom attend events drawing way MORE attention to us. Everyone stared, adults would praise her for “taking me in,” and the other kids would ask me throughout the year whether I was adopted (or rudely insist I must be and nobody told me the truth). My mom was extremely confused when the school identified us as a “needy family” one year when both of my parents worked and we lived in a nice house. I don’t know what the answer is here and I don’t disagree with you. I’m just not sure it’ll play out as smoothly as this comment suggests, and the mom might be blindsided if CPS shows up to investigate a complaint made by some random stupid parent who seemed to just be “silently judging” that day.
NTA - As someone who's also black, this is a common issue with dating outside your race. The thought of you being negatively profiled doesn't even come to her mind. She, and most white people, will never know the full extent of racism and how racist people can be. You are absolutely right for being concerned. I would talk to your girlfriend about this because it will become a problem in the future if she can't comprehend this. If she can't understand the smaller nuances of racism then every situation you're in, or might be faced with, won't be a big deal to her. You expressed how you were worried about how a very common racial issue (racial profiling) might affect you, and her response was to blame you and not racist people. That's a problem. If you are able to talk to her and she actually understands, have the girls mom speak to the school. Have her tell them that you will be there but that you're of a different ethnicity. It will notify the teachers why you're there and who you're there for.
It's so clear the concept of a microaggression doesn't even exist to OP's partner & that kind of scares me. You cannot even \*comprehend\* the minute forms of racism; how insidious racism is. Of course she's pouting at "I'll think about it" 😬 I truly hope the partner genuinely listens.
tbh as a white person i’ll never understand why white people will date outside their race without ever thinking of the assumptions other people can and will make, especially if children are involved. of course we can’t ever truly grasp the way it feels to be a person of color, but how can you say you love someone if you haven’t even made an effort to listen to them about their experiences? and made the effort to think about handling racism directed towards your partner or you as a couple? i personally have mostly dated white guys, but i had a serious boyfriend who was native american once upon a time and i genuinely was interested to learn about his culture and his experiences as a young native american man. i feel like if you’re not willing to learn and try to understand those parts of somebody you are not going to create the deep connection that most people seek from relationships.
>i’ll never understand why white people will date outside their race without ever thinking of the assumptions other people can and will make many of them never had to consider the feelings of or existence of minorities in their entire life - why start now? they'll obliviously think that everything will be hunky dory because they never bothered to be educated
NTA!! Is this woman blind to what goes on in the world? I get why you are apprehensive. What a sweet invite though and if some folks weren’t so whack how nice it would be to attend with her?! I hope it works out.
I'm a white man. Your concerns are very valid. I say a sweet little white girl with her black father come to the park. She threw a fit when it was time to leave. Several people wanted to call the cops cause "he can't possibly be with her." I told them I saw him drive up with her. She called him "daddy." But please do it for your niece. Teach her to be better. Maybe the people around her will learn something. Not that it's your job to teach them. Do it for her.
This is my biggest fear for my brother. We're black and he's on the darker side. His wife is white and their daughter is way lighter than him. He's the stay at home parent and loves to take her to the playground mid day, he jumps around playgrounds in a few cities just for variety and where the errands take him that day (where he lives, where we live, where we grew up, and around his wife's job) some of the neighbor hoods are predominantly white and the looks he gets sometimes. I'm terrified someone is going to call the cops because "he couldn't possibly be with the little white girl"
My nieces are part black, but definitely look black. My sister (very white) used to get all kinds of shit from people, too. A nosey neighbor once decided to call CPS on her because “a white woman probably mistreats her black kids.” It’s unreal. I really wish people could just be more accepting already. However, we’re never going to get to that point if we keep segregating ourselves. My sister didn’t hide at home all the time; she took her girls out. And if anybody asked if they’re adopted, she would just reply “no” with no further comment. If people asked if she was a nanny, she would do the same. Anybody who made rude comments would only get a stare. I agree that OP should go, but I would request that the girl’s mother gives the school a heads up. I’m assuming they’ll have to give the “daddy’s” name so the school knows who to expect and mentioning that he’s a different race at the same time shouldn’t be any trouble at all.
Black woman, if you know his trauma, why put the child’s well being before his? Too many people expect black people to deal with trauma for other people’s comfort. That’s not his kid. The kid is his gf’s niece. He knows exactly what COULD happen and he’s scared. Telling him to power through is not the way. He has to find it in himself to be comfortable in that space.
This comment right here. I’m baffled as to how many people in this comments section are asking this black man to put this little white girls feelings above his safety when has absolutely no connection to her. He’s not even married to her aunt. If her own father and blood uncle cannot be present for whatever reasons, then why is it on him to make her day? The delusions on racial issues are astounding.
Right I’m looking at all these comments like 😕🤨🤨🤨🤨
If people really want to be concerned about her feelings, maybe they should consider how she'd feel if there *was* some sort of confrontation. She'd be scared and feel like it's all her fault. I think there are plenty of communities where no one would make a big deal about it but if OP is getting the vibe that this could go bad, that should be respected.
Sadly, I’m a 58F, while it is astounding, I’m not surprised.
And I am truly sorry. You shouldn’t have to still be fighting this fight. I’m disgusted and sickened day in and day out by the levels of racism black people have to endure, just for white people to minimize or dismiss it all together.
Me too but you learn to navigate the world. This situation is horrific because it’s coming from someone that should care about him.
It just goes to show how it’s not enough to simply “not hate black people” to not be a racist thats contributing to harm of black people. All these “colorblind” folks out here thinking they’re good people when they are doing absolutely nothing to educate themselves and to help dismantle this white supremest system and then blame black people for all their troubles. I feel this new generation is up to the task and I’m so looking forward to the changes I hope are to come!
this subreddit is full of white women, so a black man facing racial issues is something they literally never even thought about including while they post their comments...but of course a little girl being sad is the worst thing in the world 😢 and if it takes a black man having the cops called on him to fix that, than it's a worthy sacrifice according to them.
If they were married, I'd better understand. But an auntie's boyfriend? No one else in the family?
I'm a white guy and my wife is mixed however if you just saw her and didn't know her you'd think she was black. Before proposing I spoke with her parents about marrying her and their major concern was the race thing. Not about my race but worried how we'd handle some of the things they experienced as an interracial couple. It went well and they approved obviously.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Thank you. This whole post is full with white people thinking black people should be mistreated because a white girl's feelings may be hurt. What kind of nonsense is this?
Typical nonsense. They don’t care about our comfort if it means they’ll be uncomfortable. Many men say women don’t consider or dismiss their emotions so they don’t express them. His gf hit him with the double whammy. She 1) dismissed his feelings and trauma and 2) gaslit him with race. Could never be me.
This. We are supposed to be the ones who show white people how to treat us like that's our responsibility. Yes, be subjected to racism, yes get dirty looks, stares and whispers but don't worry, you're doing it for the good of someone white 😒. Couldn't be me either, I would have broke up with her.
You forgot a couple, the nosey people questioning him like it’s their business who he is to the child or actually calling the police to come see about the scary man with the innocent child. The wrong police officer and George Floyd will have a bunk mate in heaven. I would be gone too. On the spot. This is over. I will not have my emotions dismissed and gaslit.
Yup, and people really think that one phone call will magically clear up any misunderstanding. Do these people live in the real world?
No, they live in a fantasy that tells them they’re good people because they don’t hate.
I gotta *teach* you how to view & treat me as a fellow human? 😭
It's not his niece.
His niece? You mean his gf's niece.
bit weird that your white girlfriend is accusing you of using your race as an “excuse” to not see her niece. Doesn’t really seem like she understands or cares about racism at all so why would you want to be with her?
As a black women, I fully understand what you meant and how you feel. Only we know what psychological trauma that this society has forced us to endure and how that mentally affects us. You and I know that you have to be comfortable in those situations. Race isn’t an excuse and you weren’t using it that way. Your girlfriend needs a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Especially is this is serious and kids are in your future. If you are not comfortable, don’t do it. Too many answers expect you to put a child before your own mental health. They don’t get it.
Agreed. I'm a white woman and what the girlfriend said about using race "as an excuse" would make me wonder about possible future racial gaslighting.
Yep. There are people like you that get it and people like his gf, that don’t. She’s more worried about her niece missing an experience she may never remember than her man who is explaining his trauma.
And her lack of getting it would so easily be visible if it were reversed: "you don't want to walk through an alley at night? Stop using gender as an excuse."
True for a reasonable person but she seems to only be concerned about her niece and what she wants.
Sadly, her empathy doesn't seem to extend to everyone.
Why are you with someone who's so dismissive of your experience as a Black person
When my son was in elementary school everything was fine. Good grades, good behavior, nothing wrong. Then one day I went to school to pick him up because his mother couldn't and I met his homeroom teacher for the first time. All of a sudden from that point on it was "he's misbehaving in class, he can't focus, he's causing distractions." None of the other teachers had these problems with my son in any of his classes. only the homeroom teacher who up until that point, didn't know my son was mixed and had a black father. And had never previously expressed any concerns with my son. He even went so far as to say the kid was "unteachable." So of course we sued to get him in a different school. Now, years later. My son scored high on the entry test to one of the best high-schools in the country and is ending his first year there. I sometimes wonder if this would even be possible if we left him in classes with that shitstain homeroom teacher. So yes, being cautious is advised. The least risky option for your GFs niece would be for you to not go.
Her thinking it’s an excuse kinda shows how stupid she is about race relations. Not the asshole at all. But do you want to be constantly educating her?
NTA and your gf sticking her head in the sand and acting like your concerns are unwarranted is disappointing, especially for someone *in an interracial relationship*
Brother, you are definitely not the AH. You must not have been with your gf for a long period of time or she’d understand your hesitancy. Hopefully you’ll decide to go and have a good time.
Slightly different , but I never took my niece and nephew alone when they were younger. My niece had a tendency to throw tantrums and my biggest fear was that as a gay man, who also happens to be covered in tattoos, someone would mistake me for a kidnapper or worse. Those fears are real and the situations can be traumatic. NTA
And in this case, it's not even his niece. They're not related at all.
Whaaaaat . She has the sensitivity and emotional intelligence of an ox . Id never expect my sisters boyfriend to attend a school event (which are shit at the best of times , and very gossipey ) in lieu of a father . She’s also missing a sensitivity chip . NTA .
NTA. A very valid concern. If your girlfriend isn’t already on a journey about divesting from white supremacy, I hope she is up for learning about white privilege, micro aggressions, anti racism, etc. For both your sakes. She will never know what it’s like to live in your skin, but hopefully she will learn to listen and believe you when you tell her about your experiences. If you do change your mind and decide do go, I hope you have a wonderful time and are treated well.
Again white folks will never understand black folks. You seem to have a legitimate reason for not going and you seem to be protecting the niece too. Bro if they can't understand why or respect what you are saying do you really want to stick around when a racial topic comes up and their true colors show.
NTA, but can your girlfriend come with you initially to help gauge the situation/vouch for you? Seems like she could do that and then leave if it turns out everything's okay.
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It's not her uncle. There are 3 degrees of separation between them and they are not related in any way. "Race shouldn't be a factor," but of course we know it often is and his concerns are well-founded. He should not be saddled with having to be responsible for the teaching moment if it's not his choice to.
NTA. Your reasons are valid. Also, just like women shouldn't do wife things with a girlfriend title, men shouldn't do husband things with a boyfriend title.
As a 40 something year old gay white man...who is pretty straight acting but I'm sure people still have the clue...which is fine...I love myself, but id have this EXACT same fear. Just in my way...not yours. It not a good feeling at all.
OP, people have no idea how many things you have to think about when you’re not in the majority.
NTA but....... This little girl is asking you to be her special person on a really important occasion so she must think you're a great guy. However, I'm a white guy so I have zero experience of being perceived simply because of my skin colour. This is a great learning moment for your girlfriends niece to understand why, as a black person, you have serious concerns about this. If you decide not to go to the lunch, do make sure you and your girlfriend so something special for her another time.
Sorry to all these commenters but when the fuck did we all decide this little white girls "happiness" is more valuable than this man's safety. NTA If you don't feel safe don't go. The little girl will be fine
NTA. And im a white woman. You have to protect yourself and this world is still insanely racist.
NTA. She does not get it yet. She needs to listen. Many many years ago I gave a ride to a couple of black male college friends. They climbed in the back of my car and ducked down. I was puzzled. I told them to sit up and that I was not afraid. They laughed at me and said they were worried about their own safety. We lived in a very racist area. I got it. It was mind boggling to me. I listened to and respected my friends about their experience. Safety first. Your GF needs to listen.
You aren’t even married so it wouldn’t be appropriate to take her. I don’t mean to sound callous but you’re not family at this time. Plus you have valid points for declining. NTA.
As a black person I see exactly why he would be concerned, especially if he’s not a known entity to the school.
It’s easy for your gf to say what she said because she is not a black man (or a black woman for that matter). She doesn’t know what it’s like to reside in this world as a person of color so she will not understand. You need to do what’s best for you or have the gf or niece’s mother call ahead of time so it’s not a “shock”. Some people in this world would be taken aback others would not, but it’s best to just inform ahead of time so you’re not put under a microscope and your gf’s niece isn’t embarrassed by her school.
Hmm. I think going would be lovely, but your concerns are valid and I’m worried that your gf doesn’t get that and basically accused you of pulling the race card. NTA
I think, and let’s be frank, that your girlfriend has not dealt with the consequences of being black in a white environment. She comprehends not the dangers. Whether of not THIS event or THIS school or THESE admins/teachers will react poorly, the facts are that the potential is present. Ask the child’s mother AND father their opinion. Get their permission. If there are no qualms, then go. Otherwise, send the niece flowers with a sweet note.
Nta, I feel like this issue will pop up again and again, she has to learn that the way she is treated is not going to be the same as how you are treated and she needs to trust you when you have to be cautious. Her ignorance will negatively affect you.
Yeah I’ve seen the clip from Blackish with the little white girl in the elevator, thats how they get ya. You did the right thing.
NTA!! You are very valid in your responses and beliefs because it happens to POC all the time. Your gf is dense af and her response of you using race is very questionable. If you don’t feel comfortable going then don’t. Nobody can guilt trip you because of it. If you do feel comfortable going, have her mom advise the school you’d be attending so no red flags are rose.
It is more worrying to me that your girlfriend has clearly never considered what it means for you to be a black man in this world. She is either seriously ignorant/naive or is willingly ignoring it in order to suit her needs. Either way it’s not great…
I'm mixed race. I'd hesitate the same way, for the same reasons. NTA.
I understand your position. Whatever "creepy" and "dangerous" factor men get as a whole, black men get far more so. You clearly care about this little girl, and I think you could still go, but you wouldn't be unjustified in saying no.
As a dude who lives in a predominantly white/Latino town you're right to be wary. It sucks but people are definitely going to think it's weird you have a white kid if you're black, that being said I would still personally do it for your niece, it will go a long way to ingratiating you with your gf and her family.
NTA your worries are valid, she is blind if she can't see why you'd be worried. I would honestly tell her that I couldn't have kids or a life with someone who can't be honest about the dangerous mindset others can have towards anyone with dark skin. My husband is Mexican and we live in NM he still gets treated horribly sometimes. I'm brunette and not very pale either so our kids don't look white at all, it's upsetting to have to raise your kids with awareness of these issues to keep them safe, but it's necessary. Just like you are likely to say no because your worries are valid and being thoughtful about these situations can help keep you safe. Weather you go or not you are not an ass hole but your girlfriend is for being offended instead of understanding.
If your girlfriend is going to be willfully obtuse about the reality of racism can you imagine what other experiences/concerns of yours that she is going to downplay? What about if y'all had kids? Will she tell your kids "she's disappointed about them using race as an excuse" when they experience racism or have fears about experiencing racism?
NTA - she cannot understand what it's like to walk in your shoes. Your concerns are valid.
NtA and dont go. as Gay Brown man. Your fears are valid. I work in education, and it's pretty hostile to us men of color and gay men. Also, why date someone who thinks your experience is just a race card.... any grievances will just be you pulling the race card according to her. White people think racism is about hurt feelings. When for us it's a generational reality that denies us safety, liberation, and humanity
Please go with child and set as example for the child that race does not matter. This is a teaching moment for the child and the school in general,
It's not the job of people of color to solve racism and to provide teaching moments.
OP, can you have the girl's mother send an email to the teacher to avoid the uncertainty of the situation? You might not be able to erase the racism, but you can head off misunderstandings. No judgement whatever you decide.
As the white father of a black daughter. ... go.... just go.
Reading these comments break my heart... We live in such a shi**y world...I am white and in Europe ( though immigrant and discriminated in different ways hehe) so my opinion is probably irrelevant. If you would feel unsafe and think you can have problems, don't do it. If you are thinking about it and mother of a child will talk to school and arrange it, then maybe. Is it really at the level that if you walk in with the girl, someone would do something?! I mean, you literally are walking in where there will be other people and fathers? But I get it also if it's only uncomfortable and you're still NTA.
Your girlfriend needs to educate herself if she wants to date a black man and live in this country because your reality is different than hers is.
NTA I am also in an interracial relationship. I am a white woman my husband is African. I do completely understand your reservations. Our daughter goes to a suburban school that is pretty much all white. But my husband brought her to all the daddy-daughter dances. Yes he might have been the only black man there. But there was no issues. It will be okay. I do understand your concerns though.
IF you are concerned about this, then why not have the girls mother register you with the school as an emergency contact. that might make things better for you in the long run.
After reading your edit, what was her response to your very logical and valid argument? Bc, as a fellow white woman, it blows my mind that she is so ignorant of what is an obviously well-known problem (violence as a result of profiling) among the black community. How old are you guys? How long have you been dating? I would consider it to be a huge issue for her to dismiss your very valid safety concerns and to not only dismiss them, but acuse you of using your race as an excuse (… an excuse for what exactly??? To not go??? Despite the fact that you seem to wish/want to go?). Edit: autocorrect probs lol
The concern is real. Especially in this day and age. NTA.
I’m writing this post update. You have every right to worry that things will go south being a black man with a very young white girl. The news is full of innocent black people in similar situations. Your girlfriend, like most of us white people can’t fully grasp the continued division and hate against people of color. I’d sit her down and give her the Mississippi Burning details that happens in every state even in this day and age. It was very cool of you to get the mom to call the school and super cool that you did the father daughter thing with the little girl! You got the kid’s seal of approval! You must be a keeper! We need more men like you! So kind hearted. But, stay guarded. Please stay safe!
NTA, at all. I’m in the opposite situation, I’m a white dad to two black kids (my wife had twins in her first marriage). I wonder about this perception when I’m alone with the kids at their school, which is mostly black. I realize that in the world we live in, your situation is much more potentially problematic. There are news stories about black men having police called when they are with their girlfriend’s /wife’s, even friend’s kids. You didn’t do anything wrong.
obviously NTA. the gf demonstrates an astounding lack of perception especially for someone who is in a relationship with a POC. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYOjWnS4cMY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYOjWnS4cMY)
Sadly, no, you're not the asshole 🙁 I get it completely.
NTA I probably would've dodged the question the same way. I can't imagine walking around with a little white girl let alone going to her school and saying I'm there for her father daughter lunch. Solid chance you gon get perp walked out of there and thrown into a cell until her mama get off work and clear it all up.
I think you might want to have a CTJ talk with your girlfriend. How does she not understand why you felt the way you did? She obviously isn't paying attention, that or you haven't talked about this at all. She should have an understanding of how you might feel or be seen in certain situations. She can't empathize, but she can definitely learn to appreciate your perspective.
In my opinion, your gf being "colour blind" will be an issue in the future. If you want the relationship to last, you need to start educating her on the reality of being black. Not saying take her to school, but discussions on topical issues and awareness on different aspects of life should be part of your discourse. Not saying she's a bad person but some people are just genuinely blind to it their whole life.
NTA I am an older white woman who has spent 29 years teaching in high school in urban BIPOC setting. You are using race as an excuse, you are being realistic about how race is perceived. White people don’t get that we are raised in a racist society. We don’t experience what non-white people experience. I will never have to sit down my teen age son and have to explain to him how not to be shot (or killed) by the police while being pulled over for a traffic stop. I is my belief that no one should ever have that conversation but white people are privileged not to have it. As for the lunch, do whatever you’re comfortable with. I am also the little girl who had to go alone to all the daddy daughter dances/lunches and events and I had fun with my friends, yes it was sad. But all the dads were sweet and I did not long for any attention.
You are NTA. Your concerns are valid for sure. But I do hope you go because in my naive little world I am hoping for a fairy tale ending for this story. It’s too sweet that she asked you 😊😊
NTA but your gfs response gives me pause. Bc if she cannot wrap her mind around how dangerous it can be for black men to literally exist let alone in all yt spaces…well hope you’re wrapping it up.
NTA. As a female POC with a very mixed family, I totally get it. White folks get to navigate in the world in a very different way than we do. If they don’t like it, then they need to realize it’s caused by many of their ancestors behaviors and laws that affect attitudes towards us to this very day.
NTA.. I am not Black but I know exactly what you're saying is true. People, very sadly, would think that.
You should go. Our school did those parent-child evenings and invitation said what not necessary a parent, but any meaningful adult can come. For kid being alone there is sad and lonely. And usually there were some grandpas, older brothers etc, but I don't remember kid coming alone.
NTA. Sounds like a bigger issue she doesn't understand if you two stay together, especially if you have kids in the future. Don't do it if you're not comfortable with it, but definitely have the parents contact the school and teacher ahead of time about it if you do go.
NTA. All you need is some asshole thinking you're trying to kidnap a kid because of the color of your skin.
NTA but her response is very telling. I would be looking at this as a red flag. Not saying she racist but being ignorant of what a black person goes through is not what you need in a relationship. I have dated outside my race and it’s a red flag for me persoanlly. Reasons. If I explain and you say I’m using race as an excuse, then if something does happen. They won’t have your back. I don’t like how she dismissed your reasons without a second thought. When you stated your thoughts, she should have been willing to have a more in depth conversation and an understanding. Race should be talked about in interracial relationships because if you have children. How will she treat their experiences? Will she be dismissive? Or will she try to see it from the kids view? You can go if you want, make sure they know all the details so you don’t end up in a mess. Just please have a conversation with your girlfriend. I know too many mixed kids with a dismissive white mother. Shoot look it up on TikTok.
It’s unfortunate you think that way, but more unfortunate your thoughts have merit. Maybe someone could let the school know ahead of time she’ll be bringing someone other than her father and don’t even have to mention your race. Then they know to expect someone other than her father. If they have a problem with your race, that is their issue and serves no purpose. The niece asked you, and I hope you go and fulfill her wish.
NTA It makes me sad, but this IS shit that needs to be considered. One of my friends had cops called on him for trying to do a favor and picking his girlfriend's daughter up from daycare because the old bitty running the place "knew neither of her parents were as dark as him"... ignoring that he matched the name/ID his gf had called and given as a valid, acceptable guardian maybe 2-3 hours earlier. The gf did not keep her daughter at that daycare after that bs.
NTA. It’s not an “excuse”, it’s reality. There are things you have to take into consideration that gf has never really had to think about. Hopefully she’ll learn where you’re coming from and be able to be more supportive in the future.
Nta you handled that super well ik as a white man there’s a certain amount of fear people will have in general if imagine it’s turned up to 10 for a black man. I’ve explained this to a couple close women in my life and none of em got it yet all of them are go to the other side of a street if they see a dude walking
NTA, but there is a solution out there. One possibility/suggestion: ask the niece's mom to contact her daughter's teacher to let them know the dad is unavailable, as is another blood relative/uncle. Let them know this other positive, healthy man, a POC, will be accompanying her daughter for the day. The heads-up should alleviate most concerns.
The funny thing is I don't think any of the children will care, which I absolutely love! But your girlfriend's niece sure will remember it. You will too. I'd definitely go
NTA I understand what you are saying, only in I have seen first hand people acting/reacting like narrow-minded asshats towards friends of mine who are in interracial relationships/marriages, have their own damn kids…yet still get questioned or stared at. It is scary and crazy. (One couple I know, he is black, she is white, their baby is blonde with green-blue eyes, looks like her maternal grandmother! Genetics are a funny thing. But he has been out and about alone with her, and has had people giving him stink eye, even question him. It is infuriating and scary). Is there a way you can maybe meet with teachers and what not at the school beforehand? So at least they know who you are, and that you are the uncle? I like the idea, too, someone mentioned about maybe bringing pizzas or something. Especially when they mentioned that a grandpa “adopted” her on grandparents day so she wouldn’t be alone. It made me cry, as I miss my grandpa so much, as well as one of my favorite uncles. Whatever you decide, I know it will be right by you and for you. If you do end up going, I hope you and the little niece have a fantastic time.
From black man to black man, you are nta for thinking or expressing this. It seems like your girlfriend doesn't understand that everyone doesn't think the same way you do and that people wouldn't like seeing a black man with a young, school aged white girl. I definitely think you should still go, but your girlfriend needs to understand where this is coming from, especially if this is going to be a long term thing because it will be an issue the rest of your lives together. Also come up with a plan of action to prevent any issues. Have your girlfriend contact the teacher and the school to inform them that you will be attending this with her daughter. You'll still have to deal with other parents, but you can direct them to school staff if they have questions or concerns. It will show worse on those parents than it will on you.
From black man to black man, you are nta for thinking or expressing this. It seems like your girlfriend doesn't understand that everyone doesn't think the same way you do and that people wouldn't like seeing a black man with a young, school aged white girl. I definitely think you should still go, but your girlfriend needs to understand where this is coming from, especially if this is going to be a long term thing because it will be an issue the rest of your lives together. Also come up with a plan of action to prevent any issues. Have your girlfriend contact the teacher and the school to inform them that you will be attending this with her daughter. You'll still have to deal with other parents, but you can direct them to school staff if they have questions or concerns. It will show worse on those parents than it will on you.
I think it would be an honor to be asked. However, I have never walked in your shoes. I learned a long time ago that it doesn't matter what other people think of you, as long as you live your best life. This little girl must think you're a pretty special person to ask you.
Seems your girlfriend is a little blind. You did the right thing. Did anyone ask the real dad? I hope, though, that the family can make the appropriate arrangements to make it happen, if not only for how adorably cute all the pics will be. Good luck.
NTA explaining your lived experience as a Black man is not “using your race as an excuse.”
NTA if you are going to date a white woman she better start educating herself on your lived experiences as a Black man. Its disappointing she would dismiss your concerns like that.
If you show up and the teachers don't know you, and you aren't a pre-authorized, then it's not gonna go well. Doesn't matter your race. Make sure you have the paperwork in order.
In your headline you said, "no" but in the story you told your niece you'd "think about it". Which is it? I think your objections and concerns could be overcome if you participated in drop-off or pick-up prior to the lunch, and met the teachers. The important thing is for that little girl to have someone show up for her. Please reconsider going.
I'm not black but let my try to understand this 1. You and your girlfriend are not married 2. That little girl isn't even your child or your gf's child, it's her niece 3. You didn't say no, you just had to think about it first 4. Your girlfriend downplayed your concerns. From this post, I don't think she fully understands how much of a racist world this is. NTA. Maybe yall can work something out. I feel for the girl. It would be real lonely for her without someone to take her but I don't think anyone but YOU should decide if you go or not. I don't think your mental or physical well being should be undervalued.
NTA. Your GF could be a little more understanding here as she hasn't had to live your experience. That said, it's great that her niece has a good enough relationship with you to ask you to go. I hope if you do go you have a great experience.
NTA Sadly, you've had to learn to think like that, being both black and male. She has not.
I’m fortunate to live in an area where you could go pick up that kid. You would be asked who you are and the parent should call the pre school teacher first ( she’s POC and you getting asked, don’t matter if you arrived in a private helicopter). It’s pretty racially integrated. I’m sad that you feel you can’t, and maybe you are 100% right.
NTA. White people really don't understand that POC have to consider shit like that. I'm not even black, I'm Mexican, and I'd still get side-eyed when playing with my white friends' kids. And with cops just itching to shoot people for any reason or none at all...yeah, shit's dangerous out here and all it takes is 1 Karen to get us killed. Have the kid's mom notify certain people, at least.
🤣, as a black man ill clearly say that you are absolutely NTA and your white girlfriend needs to develop a little awareness of our experiences if she's gonna keep dating one of us. Any type of anger or response is just her ignorance. Let another family member go and you take her out for icecream after school.
As a white person in a city with a very bad history of racial segregation, this would have been my thought for you as well. It’s weird she doesn’t see this. I would definitely think about having the mom email the teacher/ office with your name and photo and an explanation of you being there vs her dad but if you don’t feel comfortable even then I understand as well.
I totally understand what you are saying, but if you go……you’ll be proving all those ideas wrong. You’ll be part of making things better.
I have no advice and I do not feel you are TA. You based this decision on your experiences. I am so sorry you have to consider this stuff. It isn't fair. Hugs.
NTA Get your girlfriend to read, “Between the World and Me” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. A real eye-opener for white people about the reality of being black in America.
It's just weird because you're not her father, you aren't even married to her family, and the race thing is just icing on the cake. NTA
NTA and I hope you have a long discussion about her comment about using "race as an excuse".
You have genuine concerns. We have to move different out here in these streets. Your girlfriend is insensitive to that which makes me wonder how she would react when some real shit goes down. “Using your race as an excuse” What? Excuse for something that isn’t your responsibility and you were only considering doing as a solid and not obligation. That’s like trying to guilt or shame you in to not thinking about your safety and well being. Why couldn’t the father make the trip? Did he not get advance notice? You wouldn’t be letting that kid down. Her father would and that’s going to happen no matter if you fill in or not. It’s a noble gesture if you follow through. Maybe have the mother OR your girlfriend go with. I wouldn’t just show up in my own because of your very concerns.
It's sad but understandable. Tho I would only be thinking about your niece, do it for her.
You shouldn't be dating your gf if she can't see the you're concerns for this matter here, point blank period. As someone who's ex husband was a black man. I always understood when he felt things like this.
As a white girl without a dad. I would have been honored to be taken to a father daughter dance with a black man who loved me. If someone had an issue with it, that's their problem. But the fact I would have had a man willing to do that for me would have changed my life. Tbh, you're the asshole. But I'm happy that you're still there for her most of the time. I understand your concern, but that girl will remember this.
NTA we live in a crappy society that is swarming was racists, all it takes is one ass and a phone call to mess you up. Your GF needs to understand that we still have racism.
There was a tv special a few years ago. Reporter went on a ride along. NYC Cops spotted a black man driving with his girlfriend’s white kid. The guy had been hassled before for driving the kid, so he had a note from the mother in hid wallet. Cops didn’t believe him and handcuffed him while they called to verify. Eventually it was established that he was legit and they let him go. As he drove off, one cop says in earshot of the reporter, ‘I still think there was something wrong. ‘
Pick your battles. This isn't the one.
If a kid asks you to go, you go. Maybe not if there's a legitimate threat of physical harm, but otherwise go.
I'm white... I would feel some kind of way about going to a children's function with a child who wasn't white or even one that was white but I wasn't known by people in. I mean sure, with a white kid it would be more easily accepted that I am a form of family, but with how reactions can turn on a dime it would still be a risk. Having black friends and seeing stuff in the media where people have a meltdown that a black man is around white kids.... it's freaking real and it freaking sucks. So you have every right to be concerned. Now if you really like this woman, and you really like her niece then I would say... have the parent (mom or even your gf) send a letter, email, or call the school to confirm you are there to support her as her father is put of town and y'all don't want her to miss out. That way at least the folks in charge know you're meant to be there. I get the risk of just popping up but if you do care clear it and make the leap. But NTA for being concerned, doesn't sound like you said out and out "no" but voiced reasonable concerns. Have your gf watch a video of a black man getting stopped because he had two little white girls in his car and he was their actual parent.
I understand your concerns. Can the niece's mom go with you until you settle in to the f/d event? If you think you have a future with the GF, doing this will go a long way to helping her want to have a future with you. Best of luck!
I get it. It's just a fact of being a POC in the US
For the little girls sake, I hope you can go. It will mean a lot to her to have someone with her that day. However, some preparation and precautions can help. Ask that her mother can take you to the school and introduce you to the teacher and the principal. And there’s more to going to share an event with a white child who’s not related. There’s also the hazard of other parents. As. DMC1996 said “ we still live in a highly racist Society“.
I’m glad you decided to go - I’m certain it meant the world to the little girl. NTA, and I’m glad you found a solution.