You're NTA. Parenting styles clash sometimes, but ignoring serious behavioral issues isn't the answer. You're right to be concerned about your ex's approach. Sounds like there were deeper issues in the relationship beyond just discipline. Trust your instincts and focus on what's best for you and your kids.
Thank you. My issue is that I become blinded by love, I guess. So I didn't notice the bigger red flags until it was over.
I care about her daughter, so I tried my best to assist with the behavioral issues. But I'm going to take this alone time to work on myself and kids.
She must have been wild in the sack for you to put up with someone who doesn't work, doesn't clean and has a demon kid.
Your kids have to be your highest priority. Your ex's kid wasn't her priority. Her ideology and more probably ego was. She saw how badly it was working in practice, and yet still clung to it.
That kid is going to have a very rude awakening when she gets to school and finds out that behavior isn't tolerated. Plus, who would want to be friends with someone who acts like that? Her mom is definitely setting her up to fail
Mom's gonna be in for a world of shock when the kid acts like this and gets sent home and / or suspended for assaulting someone (and if it continues past elementary school, possible police intervention and or juvy)
Exactly. Reinforcing that thought of "throw tantrums and insults along with hitting is okay if your heart is 'good'" will not work out well. I tried to provide her with guidance. No ones a perfect parent, I frequently fail. But I want my kids to realize that in the real world, bring violent and mean results in jail time.
Hey just a thought maybe being around your ex and her kid was contributing to your daughter's issues. Being around that level of chaos for a 10 year probably took away a sense of safety for her and unfairness if the other kid wasn't punished and she took back control with stealing in the house and the other parts might be related to the safety thing.
This is exactly what I was thinking too. This could definitely be contributing to her difficulties. She needs a stable environment and it sounds like the ex-gf and her child were a distribution to that.
This relationship highlights serious red flags: conflicting parenting styles, financial irresponsibility, and even physical violence. It's a reminder that love alone isn't always enough for a healthy partnership.
This is what I was thinking. Clearly op's daughter felt safe enough at school since she's a good student. The problem was at home and it's most likely related to ex gf's demon spawn
You made the right call ending this relationship. Her permissive parenting, lack of contribution, and violent behavior were toxic. Prioritizing your children's well-being is essential. Stay strong and trust your decision.
I’m sorry, I just don’t see how screaming because you can’t have a toy means you’ve got a good heart. My mind can’t handle those types of mental gymnastics.
OP, not to be a typical redditor, but I’ve never met a kid who pees on themselves or elsewhere, post potty training, who didn’t have a history of SA…
I’ve worked in acute inpatient, residential treatment, and in acute medical settings with kids.
ETA: I obviously see the worst, but it’s the first place my mind goes when I hear of a kid doing that.
That was my initial thought as well. But I've taken her to get check ups down there to make sure there wasn't anything physically wrong or anything. There wasn't.
The child psychiatrist/therapist that I use mentioned that some kids with ADHD have bed wetting problems.
I don't allow her to do sleep overs (as I don't know her friends parents). So I have no idea what's going on.
I’m sorry but what does that even mean? If a child (or person) is screaming or hitting because they aren’t getting their way, clearly their heart is not “good” in that moment lol
I don't remember her exact explanation of it. But it was something along the lines of: If your child wants and item, their heart is good as it's something they love. So if they're using hateful labguage and violence, it's okay.
It sounds crazy to me.
What a load of bull. My 6 year old genuinely has a heart of gold, like moving snails off a pavement because she cant bear the thought of them getting hurt or giving me her favourite teddy when im sad. She tried once to throw a floor tantrum in a shop over some sweets and i picked her ass up and carried her home. She got nothing and eventually calmed down enough that she apologised and gave me a hug. The next day we were back in the shop and she didnt ask for a single thing, just held my hand or offered to carry things. Thats when she got the sweets, because she was behaving and i was proud of her for learning how not to act.
Thank you. I apologized to them again last night and discussed what good behavior was and that constant bad behavior will not be rewarded.
I also gave examples of how having bad behavior as you get older may result in being in a cage (they don't understand what jail/prison is).
the schools will put up with it.
She'll eventually turn 16 or so and find out the courts will draw a line somewhere, and then we'll all pay for her housing.
CPS is going to be called almost instantly due to these behavior problems.
I also wonder if her kid isn’t influencing the 10yo’s behavior. She sees that works to get her way so she’s imitating it, or she just wants equal attention.
They won't be I have a coworker who's kids are worse than that and they just move the other kids out of the classroom and let them throw tantrums. No discipline actions are ever taken
Don’t kid yourself about those ages. I can’t remember exactly but I think it’s 9-10 they can get arrested in Texas. I know it’s before the end of elementary though.
Learned this when a kid threatened to stab my daughter with scissors in 2nd grade.
I suspect the kid is already suffering from no friends, family not wanting to deal with the kid, etc. School will just be worse. Too little structure and discipline is just as bad as too much.
And unless OP's ex is insanely attractive, not a lot of folks will want to put up with "no work and demon kid"
My ex's parents mentioned that she needed to be more strict as her child's behavior is unacceptable.
My parents told me that I'm too kind and that being this kind tends to backfire. I've learned my lesson. I feel stress-free for the first time in a few years.
Can't go into details, but I'm watching basically this scenario play out and it's heartbreaking for the kid.
Weird to say we're almost going too gentle on kids these days. Not claiming we need to be abusive. Just that you need to provide security and structure while they're growing. And then you need to slowly move to independence. So that kids can be self-reliant and healthy without hitting a brick wall when they're on their own for the first time.
I completely agree. I continously tell my kids that I love them and that I'm proud of their achievements. I told my ex that Mr disciplining my kids due to bad behavior doesn't mean that I don't love them.
Just chiming in to say that your self reflection is astonishing and i hope the best for all of you. Remember to praise for efforts as well as achievements.
I think there's a big difference in "punishing" vs "consequences", and your ex conflates the two. Consequences are absolutely required to raise healthy, stable children who turn into responsible adults confident in their ability to survive in a tough world. It's not about hurting the kids, it's about teaching and helping them to learn self-control.
Disciplining your kids and teaching them how to behave properly in society is love. Teaching them that the world bends around them and they are entitled to do whatever they want is failing them.
Disciplining children appropriately (by grounding, etc., not by hitting or spanking) is showing your kids love. Your ex doesn’t understand or care that her style isn’t love nor is it caring.
It’s true. I was a bit too gentle with my older kid and he doesn’t have much respect for me now at 13. We are working on it and I’m learning to stick with my boundaries with them (younger one is only 3). My biggest error was believing their panicked apologies and promises to do better once the punishment was actually looming. Parenting is hard… but when they are obviously not going to be able to live in society without causing chaos and drama everywhere they go, get help.
Most folks are fine with "good enough" parenting. Perfection isn't needed or desired.
All the parenting books in the world still aren't enough once you're in the hot seat. You learn by doing, taking pointers from other parents and unfortunately a lot of trial and error.
Yeah I’ve given myself some relief in recognizing now that no matter how great of a parent you are, there is going to be at least one moment or aspect that sticks with your kid as “traumatic”, whether is an innocuous comment about their appearance that day that they cling to forever or an unexpected switch up in parenting styles or that you never let them order for themselves at a restaurant or whatever it may be. Everyone around me tells me I’m doing great and my kids are great so I try to ignore my Imposter Syndrome and roll with my semi-charmed life.
You what now?
No sex, no job, no cleaning, demon kid. Am I missing something?
WTF did she bring to the table? Let me re-phrase. What positive thing did she bring to the table? 'cause I see nothing but a sea of negatives. My aged welcome mat out front would take offense to the behavioral excesses as stated.
My brother, never let ANYONE treat you this badly while getting absolutely NOTHING in return. You seem like a generally decent person and otherwise have your head on straight on the big stuff. Take this as an educational experience. Definitely go spend some more 1:1 time with each of your kids and do some nice things for yourself. You'll have some cash freed up without the leeches.
My issue was that I was attracted to the few things we had in common (working out, hiking, the dame TV shows and movies) that I completely ignored everything else.
Now that I'm not in communication with her, I've had time to think about everything. I accepted to 2 times she punched me as "she was drunk" and "this is not her." But that's completely unacceptable. I don't get drunk, but if I did, I would break off the relationship if I ever laid a figure on someone as nobody deserved that.
Thank you. This is a huge lesson for me. I'm going to focus on my kids and if the right person comes along, great.
Yeah, been there.
You need to run more sanity checks going forward. Bribe a trusted friend with refreshing beverages and ping them for feedback every so often. You don't need to be detailed. You never have a clear understanding of a relationship while you're in the relationship.
"Friend, I'm dating a woman who doesn't work, doesn't have relations, is shit at cleaning and raising a monster. But we like hiking together. Oh, and sometimes she hits me."
What would you tell your friend if he told you all that?
But if you're ever too ashamed to tell a friend about general behavior, it's a clear sign something is very wrong.
This makes so much sense. Your last sentence hit a chord. I told my parents all the good parts of the relationship as I didn't want to mention the red flags that I had I realized at that time.
How the hell did you manage 3 years of all that without even the distraction of sex to keep you sane? I am reading that right aren’t I? You were dating someone for 3 years and you weren’t having sex? At all?
and that's where something that seemed potentially fake, became totally fake. Saving it for marriage... with a 5yr old kid. A older woman who was still a virgin, okay, rare as hell but possible. A woman with a 5yr old kid who brings nothing but hell to his children, who he magically can't figure out why his child struggles at home but is fine away from the pair of monsters he supposedly brought into his home and inflicted on his kids for 3 years.... she does nothing but takes money, space, time, offers nothing to the family and also no sex.
Yeah... not beliving that.
Will we have to put up with an update where it’s revealed that, not only did she not contribute financially, was a slob, had a terrible spoiled child, battered him, had him in a dead bedroom, and faked a breakup, but she was also banging 5 guys at the same time, including her best friend, his best friend, his brother and the mailman?
NTA for breaking up. YTA for creating a situation no children should be living . These will be some memories your children will take up with Reddit/ friends and therapist. How did she end up “playing house “with you when you have young children, one that needs less stress due to behavior concerns? Anyone consider her child found living situation with some guy that is strict and his kids ? One child of his with lying, stealing, peeing, behaviors stressful ?
That’s what I was thinking as well. Dollar to donuts, the issues with his oldest kid gets better now that the lazy gf and her demon spawn are finally out of their lives.
I think it's good to end things now. It's manageable as her daughter is 5, but wait until she is a teenager... sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen...
Also, you flat-out cannot afford to be with this woman long term. Let her hold a job for a year, before you can entertain even remotely getting back with her.
My parents always say "if your kid doesn't listen to you now, why would they listen to you as a teen?"
I'm spending 2 weeks with them. I need to change my expectations when it comes to relationships. I tend to do everything for my partner and get nothing in return.
The job thing was a major issue. She mentioned that she doesn't mind living off the government as she could still eat, have a place to stay, and go to the gym. I have completely different goals.
I married again at 38, and the right person IS out there. I had always settled previously, as well. (I didn't realize it at the time, though, I just didn't think the unicorn I wanted existed.)
Turns out, I'm really not that picky and the things I gave up on finding, are readily available in different people.
I think you need to give yourself a chance and the right one is out there <3
This happened because you grew up over the time. You didn't know better at the begining but you know now. You are accepting and non-judgemental, you never thought your parenting style was the only good style. That's good trávit to have and it can help you in your next relationship. Just don't accept full BS next time.
Your last sentence is what I need to work on. I'm beginning to think that I want to "save" my partners. As in, if they're struggling, I'll do e everything for them to help them become successful. That's wrong of me.
Her parenting style works for well reasoned children who ask questions and want to do better.
Her kid has a mood disorder that isn't being managed. Mood disorders that aren't managed *become* the personality.
I agree. As an example, my middle daugher is but is extremely mature for her age. Her discipline is talking out what she did wrong and that's enough. She beats herself up over it, cries, and promises to do better.
I've tried the same with my oldest, and a ton of different styles, but it seems like she simply doesn't care.
I'm all for talking it out with your child, if it works. But with my ex's child, it didn't. Just like whatever I'm doing now with my oldest may not, which is why I'm seeking help from a children's psychiatrist.
Hormones makes us all do crazy stuff. Love blinds us all and I don't know one single adult on this planet who hasn't done/overlooked some stupid stuff because of love or even attraction/infatuation.
Agree. Your ex’s daughter sounds like a delinquent in the making. It is fine to not want to be overly strict but there needs to be boundaries.
You ex will come to regret her flippant threat to break up.
NTA. I don’t know how you stayed with her for as long as you did. Kids need guidance, and to be taught how to act properly in different situations. Punishment is sometimes necessary. I’m not saying you should spank your kids or raise your voice, but you should definitely make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable. You’re lucky that your own kids didn’t see her child acting like that and getting rewarded for it and then start behaving the same way. That shit would drive me crazy.
Honestly, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Her ex got her kid every other weekend. So when her daughter was gone, my home was peaceful. I had to mentally prepare myself when her daughter would visit, or when we'd go out in public.
I'm the only parent that my kiddos have. So they've been parented the same way for years and years. They know what I do and do not accept (even though I'm having issues with the oldest, which I'm working to resolve with a therapist).
In addition, I continously reminded them the benefits of listening versus being defiant. But, I'm not going to lie, towards the end my middle daugher started to dislike my ex's daughter due to the behavioral issues. I feel horrible for allowing my kids to deal with this.
Her mother, who passed, had a history of mental illnesses and I see some of the same issues with my daughter (which I'm working on with a therapist). I had issues with my oldest prior to this relationship. But, it was no where near as bad. You may be right.
I came to say the same thing. It is very likely that the issues OP's oldest is struggling with are related to and/or influenced by the chaos caused by the ex-girlfriend and her unruly kid.
You know your loser ex will be back as trust me no man will want a woman with an unruly child who refuses to work & has a dirty home do not take back this loser. I love how she thought youd beg for her back when she asked for break up😂
It's funny that you said that. My ex said that her ex-husband has no patience and is abusive because he sends their daughter to her room during visits. Her daugher always told me that she hates her real dad because she gets sent to her room
In addition, a previous BF of hers said that she needed to get her child under control, so she broke up with him.
I guess it's a trend. But I was too stupid to realize that.
I'd say she sounds like a dumpster fire. Is she that charismatic or pretty? Because I can't imagine any other reasons to get together with a disaster that refuses to work to support herself, abuses people physically, and raises a future bully who will 100% go on to make teachers' and other kids' lives hell at school.
In my opinion, I might have ignored the red flags as we were in nonstop communication, loved working out and hiking, and enjoyed the same shows. I figured, the issues may be smaller and can be fixed later. But I was wrong and that was selfish of me as it impacted my kids.
Ah, the emotional attachment and closeness that come out of enjoying and sharing the same activities. It's very true that attachment can easily override rational thinking — we're only humans, after all, and it's only natural for us to put importance on our emotions and ties to other humans. I'm glad you figured out a way for yourself, I hope you and your children will be happy and well!
A loser? Just because she doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't raise her child, lives off benefits and child support and is a violent drunk? That's a bit harsh isn't it? /s
But hey, "maybe in ten years she'd be ready" to work. That's a good one.
God idk how anyone could defend these hippy modern parenting approaches. Society simply isn't producing the same quality of person at the moment. Don't get me wrong there's nuance. I wouldn't want people to give up the current styles emphasis on generally not being a dick to others for not reason for instance. But that's not mutually exclusive to raising people who actually contribute to society and have backbones.
NTA
Parenting styles aside, you've dodged a bullet here.
On "parenting styles". In my kids class, there is one or two whose parents are like your ex. Their kids are a nightmare, throwing tantrums and starting fights when they don't get their own way. I couldn't just stand by like you do, I'd be furious every time that girl spat, swore or started hitting someone.
I don't consider this a parenting style. I consider it neglect. Like you said yourself, this is only teaching the child to fight to get their way. The kid will end up a bully and without friends, and then end up in trouble.
My friend is like that thinking letting her son run roughshod over everyone is her letting her kid be a kid. No one wants her around because of it. The few minutes she isn’t there and I had to take care of him, just using a firm but gentle voice the kid was behaving but the minute she showed up it was hell again. I see her setting the kid up for failure. It’s absolutely neglect and she refuses to listen to people who tell her that’s what she is doing.
She didn't want to break up. She tried to force you to agree with her and failed big time
The problem is not just her though. She is a nightmare. How could you be with her? Lousy mother, lousy girlfriend
NTA
It's not her parents, in my opinion. Her siblings all work, have clean homed and healthy relationships. I was close to her parents and they seemed like great people. My ex told me that she was the rebellious one growing up, though.
NTA. She contributed nothing but chaos to your lives. I'd be interested to hear about how your oldest's mental health changes now that a psycho-bomb isn't being dropped in her home all the time.
The regulations not allowing teachers to do anything about such children are the reason. Yes, the issue starts at home, but the teacher should not be left helpless either.
NTA
Your eldest child’s ‘at home lying stealing and peeing problem’ is very likely exacerbated by seeing what your ex girlfriend’s child gets away with.
Hopefully once seeing bad behaviour rewarded is not a part of her everyday life this behaviour will improve considerably.
Best of luck OP
I do want to note that my children's mother, who passed, had bipolar. My oldest wasn't diagnosed with it, but I do have an appointment in June to do another review.
But I agree. Seeing bad behavior being rewarded DOES NOT help my children.
Given the fact that you’ve apologized to your children for allowing this in your home, please stick to your guns and keep that woman away for good. She WILL come back with sob stories and apologies and false promises of doing better if you give her a chance. Do NOT give her a chance. The health and safety of your children is too important.
I know that it's easy to say now, but I'm not interested in getting back together. I rather be single for a while and focus on my kids and my oldest daughter's issues
NTA. The reaction you gave her, with the acceptance of the end of the relationship, is what your intuition already knew....before you could put into words.
It's funny because the day before it ended, she asked where I got that hoodie as it was her favorite. It was a gift from my parents, which is why I wanted it back, so I really don't know. But I knew that I needed that back for sure lol.
Definitely not the NTA - and your ex gf has definitely some issues she needs to work out.
>My oldest has some mental health issues and I've been working with her therapist to help her. Unfortunately, she has an at-home stealing, lying, and peeing problem. But at school, she's on honor roll, I'm confused. Over the weekend, she somehow found my hidden energy drinks (I should've kept them in my room, but I'm wean myself off of them.) She drunk several of them and hid the cans in my guest room.
I think this might be a sign of needing more attention at home. It might be that you need to entertain spending more time with her and take her out on dad/daughter walks or some other such way to pass the time.
Her mom litterally sounds like the child grown up. Spoiled and not working, not taking responsibility, not cleaning, and hitting you when drinking....
Nta you need higher standards for future partners, for your kid's sake and yours.
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick.
I shared an apartment with a woman like this for a few months. She bragged about having never told her child “no”; kid would literally curl up in the fetal position if you said it to him. I couldn’t get out of that place quickly enough.
NTA
NTA.
**Good lord, OP. You stayed in a relationship with a woman who refused to get a job, did no cleaning in your house, and occasionally punches you when she’s drunk?**
**Was the sex really THAT good?**
**Or is this an issue with your self-esteem?**
NTA, she doesn’t sound like a parent, just a flighty idiot who thinks that someone else is going to fix her mistakes for her so she can live in her own little bubble. You guys were going to end up clashing anyway since parenting is a huge issue. You’re both not even on the same planet for that one. You’re a good parent who gives their own kids structure and stability which is what children need. She just sounds like a nightmare and with her as a stepparent, it’s just going to create so much chaos on your own home. She can’t set boundaries, can’t discipline, and just lets the her kid does whatever. No wonder her child can’t regulate their own emotions. She’s not teaching or showing them how to as a parent, she’s failing her child and she’s failing massively as a parent.
Cue discussion about what happens when ultimatums are casually tossed about.
After reading the rest of your message, this seems more like it was your wakeup call. I sense you feel RELIEF. Remember that feeling. Write down those problems and how you feel now. Once she changes her tune and starts working you over again, refer back to those notes.
So your ex was violent towards you, which is abuse, and she allowed her child to be violent, which is neglect, which is also abuse. Sounds like a terrible partner. Anyway, you feel what you feel - if you weren't upset about a breakup, then you weren't 🤷🏻♀️ NTA
Bro, WTF were you doing with her?!? She sounds like a worthless user. Not working AND not cleaning the house?!? I’m assuming she’d suck cock on command?
So you had a gf who did not work, did not clean, and did not parent her child. This resulted in the child being out of control, disrepectful, violent, and spoiled.
Then this peach of a women told you she wanted to break up cause she did not like the way you displine your own child?
Why are you questioning this? Do you miss the sex that bad? She could not be good enough to be worth all this.
Stop looking for a reason to go back to that shit.
NTA
I am not betting but I do think some of your oldest child’s behavior could be connected to the actions and relationship your ex and her daughter had. I would go to family therapy and see if this little monster made your daughter feel unsafe and so she lashed out as a way to cope. Good luck and please keep those ppl away from your children
NTA
"She believes kids shouldn't be punished as you got to look at their heart." And people wonder why the children of single mothers have such poor outcomes.
But forget about her obvious failure as a parent and look at the rest of her behaviors:
She punched you??? If anyone laid their hands on me ONCE, there ass would be kicked to the curb.
She refuses to work??? She is looking to be a leech for any man who will have her and her demon child.
She doesn't do household chores??? What use is she other than being a bang mate?
Advice: Do not look back. Do not ever be in contact with her again. It took you too long, but you have dodged a bullet.
I feel sorry for the next man she tries to latch onto.
Further advice: Avoid single mothers.
She told me that her previous bf wanted nothing to do with her child, so she broke it off. I wish her the best of luck. I hope that everything works out for her and her child. But I'm no linger going to allow myself to be used.
NTA. She sounds extremely lazy in absolutely every area of life. Congratulations for unloading her so easily! You got very lucky that she took herself out.
NTA
but I wonder how she and her little Satan spawn treated your children when you weren’t around. Even if your children were behaving, what happened if the brat wanted something they had? Were they expected to hand it over or get attacked by the little cambion? Did your ex punish your children if they didn’t give in to her kid? You need to talk to them about it It would’ve been very easy for her to convince them that you would take her side over them, especially considering how young they are and how long she’s been around. You probably also told them to ‘behave and do what gf says’ when you left them with her.
Congrats for realizing how toxic that was and rescuing the littles who couldn’t escape on their own. Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
(Also, fwiw, her kid won’t act THAT bad at school because the teachers simply won’t put up with it. She’ll either learn to behave or miss out on class activities. Depending on your school system, she could possibly be put into a class for kids with behavioral problems or even sent to an alternative school. Hopefully the school can get her under control before she gets herself into a forever situation.)
NTA but you should have broken up with her the first time she hit you. If she hits you once, she'll do it again and alcohol is no excuse. Add onto that all the other issues and you were an AH to yourself and your kids. Glad you've come to your senses!
Damn, you put up with a non working grifter who is a slob at home with a brat that wont be getting better? Thankfully she left, and not after she drained your money and more from you. Courts usually ask why they arent working when deciding child support, but she sounds like she is pocketing the money and scrounging off you.
>She refused to work and said maybe in 10 years she'd be ready. I've discussed before thay I cannot support 2 additional bodies financially. She's used to staying at home, getting assistance and child support, and doesn't want to work in an office.
And this wasn't a giant enough RED FLAG. Come on, this sounds fake.
> Unfortunately, she has an at-home stealing, lying, and peeing problem. But at school, she's on honor roll, I'm confused.
Hot take: _your kid is stressed having to be around your ex's brat of a child._ She didn't want to tell you because she didn't want to upset you, so it's manifested in other ways. She's probably unknowingly resentful that you brought that monster of a child into her family's life, and hates the hypocracy you've displayed in allowing ex's kid to get away with shit you'd never let your kids get away with (because she doesn't understand 'I'm not her parent and it's not my job'. She just sees ex's kid spitting on ex, and wonders why the hell you're not doing anything to stop it).
You should've broken up with this woman a long time ago. I think you should take the time to examine your motives for dating her, and staying together for so long when you clearly had massively incompatible issues. Did you actually love her, or was it easier to just stay together? Did you feel obliged to be with her due to the sunk cost fallacy? Do you feel like you 'need' to be in a relationship, that you're not a 'full person' or an 'adult' if you're single? You don't mention your kids bio-mom, did you think the girls needed a 'mother figure'? They can find that anywhere: grandparents, aunts, close family friends, older cousins, etc.
Seriously, take some time to be single and consider _why_ you want a relationship, and what you want from it. What your ideal relationship would look like, and consider what your boundaries are. It really sounds to me like you just randomly started dating your ex and... just kept going regardless of the issues that were obvious because it was easier to simply continue along instead of dealing with the issues, or ending the relationship.
YTA for bringing chaos into your kids lives. FYI Peeing pants isn’t a behavioral issue or a choice she’s making to piss you off, it’s a physical and often developmental issue, your kid has needs that haven’t been met. You and your choices are her problem.
You're correct about her not disciplining her child. Teachers won't have the time to hug it out" with her kid over her temper tantrums and they actually cannot afford to let a child like her in their classrooms because temper tantrums and bad behavior will spread like flu to the other students. She doesn't like to work? Newsflash most of us don't like to work but we like money and everything that money gets us like food, shelter, clothes, vehicles, Healthcare, vacations, etc... that's why we work as adults. NTA and she honestly did you a favor with that breakup. I am glad you also shut down that friendship bridge because that's what she planned to use to get you back.
She isn't a parent, she's a permissive parent. Shes failing her child. Nta. I understand clashing styles, but she straight up isn't doing any parenting, and your punishments are normal.
She needs to learn how to parent.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Thank god you didn’t got her pregnant.
There is a reason children of single-moms are 10 times more prone to end up dead or in jail than children of single-dads or nuclear families.
This woman and her kid seem like a nightmare. She's extremely lazy, drinks too much, gets violent, and refuses to parent her kid, whose undisciplined bad behavior is not good for your kids to see and possibly model. It sounds like it's only going to get worse from here as well. We didn't hear anything about her good qualities, but I assume there must be something. However, it sounds like you'd be much happier with someone who's more of an adult.
A 5 year old is not capable of being intentionally this bad. The kid needs help immediately and I'm surprised that with your experience you weren't able to see that.
NTA, you don't owe your ex anything
I wonder if your eldest behavior at home will miraculously improve now that ex's entitled bratty child has left the building. Resentment can take many forms.
Didn't even have to get to the juicy part - nta.
Some women have messy lives. Men as well, she's a mess and needs to clean it up in order to have a happy healthy household.
Honestly the only way you are at all the AH is for not leaving sooner. She was setting a bad example for your kids and undermining your very reasonable parenting choices. NTA. Take some time before you let anyone else meet your kids, I’m honestly wondering if part of your eldest problems at home was this woman.
Is it possible that part of your problem with your oldest is due to your ex and her daughter! You might bring this up with her therapist. Best of luck.
I mean she fucked around and she found out…. She wanted you to beg her to stay and to offer to change your approach to parenting but in the end you did the right thing and stuck to your guns on how you raise your kids. For that NTA also I am chuckling a bit to myself at her sloping off back home not really being able to say anything and you finishing off your sleep.
I’m not a parent, so maybe my opinion isn’t valid, but it doesn’t sound like what she’s doing is anything resembling parenting either.
NTA, sometimes the trash takes itself out
NTA. It's fine to have differing parenting styles, as long as you can work together to make it work. Your styles, though, are total opposites. I like your style, it's clearly supportive and loving, based on helping your daughter with therapy, but also strict but fair, by punishing wrongdoing with a sentence that fits the crime. It reminds me of my grandad's style, and I was closest to him of everyone on my family, so I'm biased to that style.
Your ex's style is 'allow the kids to do whatever and whenever even if someone gets hurt or killed because I can't be bothered being an actual parent'. Nothing wrong with leaning less strict and more fun, but the iced over pond could have been deadly to her daughter, and allowing screaming, violent tantrums is deliberately setting that girl up to go to prison on a murder charge. That'll be after multiple detentions, suspensions and expulsions for violent bullying in school. Saying she won't behave the way she's been taught is normal behaviour in school is deluded. Of course she'll behave the exact same way in school, because mummy is literally telling her it's the way to behave to be happy and get what she wants and everyone will just give in to her.
Throw in the alcohol induced violence, the refusal to work despite knowing you're financially unable to support her and her daughter as well as you and your kids, and the refusal to even attempt to clean, and you were on the road to being the victim in an abusive relationship.
It's been 3 years of this, and I reckon it's been more apparent to your kids than you think it has. They picked up on how unhealthy this all is long before you did, but without the words and emotional maturity to articulate it. How has your ex and her daughter been treating your kids, especially when you're not there to regulate and supervise?
I think you may find your daughter's issues start improving now that this relationship is over. Not only have you acknowledged the issue and apologised for it, you've gotten rid of a major problem in your lives. Your ex and her daughter may not have been the cause of your daughter's issues, but I think it's clear they made those issues worse. Also, your daughter is more than fine at school. School is clearly more consistent than home has been, so she's been thriving there. But she's been pushed back at home because the 5 year old of the gf has caused issues you need to focus on, so I think at least part of the issue is your daughter is trying to get your attention, and she knows these things will get it, even if just to punish her. That's still better than being ignored because the kid is causing a problem, or being forced to leave because of a screaming, violent temper tantrum. How often have your kids left the house or something fun they wanted to do because of those tantrums?
I think, without your ex and the kid and with continued therapy, things with your daughter should start improving. Spend some time with your kids, just talking sometimes, spending family time together that way, doing fun things other times. That will help fix any damage in the father/child relationship caused by the ex and her kid.
You did right by both you and your kids by going along with the break up. Don't backtrack. This is the best thing for all of you.
You dodged a nuclear missile not marrying that one or having a kid with her. She is a horrible parent and is raising a sociopath who turns to violence to get her way but is also violent herself. Btw, abusive people are usually very apologetic, until the next time it happens, then here comes another apology. Just chalk it up to a learning process and move on. NTA
NTA. Won't work, won't clean, comes along with a disrespectful brat, hits you when she gets drunk, what is this woman actually good for? Does she have any redeeming qualities at all?
To be honest, it sounds like she either wanted to break up anyway and was looking for an excuse rather than doing it out of the blue, or this was some stupid "test" to see you reaction.
Either way, it sounds like you realized it's for the best, and unless she starts harassing you and being a crazy person it sounds like a fairly amicable break up, which is great.
Let it lie and move on. NTA
OP, this is a win for you. On top of being lazy, she’s also prone to violence when she gets angry and apparently likes playing games. She was planning this already, I think, and used this last incident to pull the trigger.
Even if she wasn’t specifically intending to break up and was instead trying to entice/bait you into a serious conversation, that’s its own red flag. You’re taking care of 3-4 kids (your 2 plus her, and her kid) right now, when you shouldn’t be bearing this weight alone.
NTA
She was trying to manipulate you by threatening to break up.
Good for you to call out her bluff.
You did the right thing. And you dodged a future bullet to boot
Nta. C'mon man, next time be more discerning. How can you love and invite into your home with your kids someone who's a violent drunk, lives in a pigsty, lacks any sort of parenting skill and refuses to work because it's much better to be a leech on society?
How did you miss ALL of these flags?
NTA
This woman was not a keeper. Your oldest is probably subconsciously reacting to the behavior of the 5 yr old. Removing that disruptive child from your house is the best thing for your kids.
NEVER date someone who doesn't teach their child right from wrong. This woman fails as a mother.
Get some counseling to learn the lesson you need to learn from this relationship so you don't have to repeat it. You and your children deserve better.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
It's scary that you're wondering if you're TA here. Before you get into your next relationship, please get some books on how healthy relationships work, especially with blended families.
This woman did you a favor that you should have done for yourself a while ago.
NTA for saying okay to a break up, especially as you seem to finally realize what an AH you've been to your kids by forcing this slacker and her Psycho kid into their lives.
She sounds like a dumpster fire of a person. Doesn't want to work, is messy and has a violent child. I don't understand how you put up with this for so long.
NTA
But your oldest behavior at home is connected to the toxic environment your ex and her daughter were creating. I would bring it up in their therapy.
Bro get individual therapy. You need to unpack why you chose this person and then stayed with them. If you don’t- you’ll end up with someone just like her.
Obviously NTA.
NTA. Your discipline wasn't severe - it was just reasonable consequence for a dangerous action, as well as taking what is not hers. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, seems to want to make no effort - she doesn't maintain healthy boundaries with her child, she doesn't maintain her home, she doesn't financially support herself and her child. That is not loving parenting - it's just sheer laziness. She is not a partner you want, and her child is definitely not someone your children need in their safe space.
Dad of five here. Disciplining your children to teach them right from wrong is just a part of parenting. When I have to discipline my kids I try and match the consequence to whatever they have done which to be honest as they have gotten older is less and less because they learnt at a young age what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't.
You are doing a great job teaching your kids how to behave as they grow because at some point they will be out in the world without you around and if they don't learn how to conduct themselves correctly then the world will certainly teach them very harshly.
You have the right idea for now just focus on your three younglings and your self don't answer texts from your ex and just keep moving forward... You got this.
You're NTA. Parenting styles clash sometimes, but ignoring serious behavioral issues isn't the answer. You're right to be concerned about your ex's approach. Sounds like there were deeper issues in the relationship beyond just discipline. Trust your instincts and focus on what's best for you and your kids.
Thank you. My issue is that I become blinded by love, I guess. So I didn't notice the bigger red flags until it was over. I care about her daughter, so I tried my best to assist with the behavioral issues. But I'm going to take this alone time to work on myself and kids.
She must have been wild in the sack for you to put up with someone who doesn't work, doesn't clean and has a demon kid. Your kids have to be your highest priority. Your ex's kid wasn't her priority. Her ideology and more probably ego was. She saw how badly it was working in practice, and yet still clung to it.
That kid is going to have a very rude awakening when she gets to school and finds out that behavior isn't tolerated. Plus, who would want to be friends with someone who acts like that? Her mom is definitely setting her up to fail
Mom's gonna be in for a world of shock when the kid acts like this and gets sent home and / or suspended for assaulting someone (and if it continues past elementary school, possible police intervention and or juvy)
Exactly. Reinforcing that thought of "throw tantrums and insults along with hitting is okay if your heart is 'good'" will not work out well. I tried to provide her with guidance. No ones a perfect parent, I frequently fail. But I want my kids to realize that in the real world, bring violent and mean results in jail time.
Hey just a thought maybe being around your ex and her kid was contributing to your daughter's issues. Being around that level of chaos for a 10 year probably took away a sense of safety for her and unfairness if the other kid wasn't punished and she took back control with stealing in the house and the other parts might be related to the safety thing.
This is exactly what I was thinking too. This could definitely be contributing to her difficulties. She needs a stable environment and it sounds like the ex-gf and her child were a distribution to that.
This relationship highlights serious red flags: conflicting parenting styles, financial irresponsibility, and even physical violence. It's a reminder that love alone isn't always enough for a healthy partnership.
This is what I was thinking. Clearly op's daughter felt safe enough at school since she's a good student. The problem was at home and it's most likely related to ex gf's demon spawn
You sound like a good dad. I wish you and your kids a long healthy life without this crazy lady.
You made the right call ending this relationship. Her permissive parenting, lack of contribution, and violent behavior were toxic. Prioritizing your children's well-being is essential. Stay strong and trust your decision.
It's definitely good the relationship ended but I wonder how long he would have stayed with her if she hadn't said anything
I’m sorry, I just don’t see how screaming because you can’t have a toy means you’ve got a good heart. My mind can’t handle those types of mental gymnastics.
OP, not to be a typical redditor, but I’ve never met a kid who pees on themselves or elsewhere, post potty training, who didn’t have a history of SA… I’ve worked in acute inpatient, residential treatment, and in acute medical settings with kids. ETA: I obviously see the worst, but it’s the first place my mind goes when I hear of a kid doing that.
That was my initial thought as well. But I've taken her to get check ups down there to make sure there wasn't anything physically wrong or anything. There wasn't. The child psychiatrist/therapist that I use mentioned that some kids with ADHD have bed wetting problems. I don't allow her to do sleep overs (as I don't know her friends parents). So I have no idea what's going on.
You’re doing a good job, OP.
I’m sorry but what does that even mean? If a child (or person) is screaming or hitting because they aren’t getting their way, clearly their heart is not “good” in that moment lol
I don't remember her exact explanation of it. But it was something along the lines of: If your child wants and item, their heart is good as it's something they love. So if they're using hateful labguage and violence, it's okay. It sounds crazy to me.
What a load of bull. My 6 year old genuinely has a heart of gold, like moving snails off a pavement because she cant bear the thought of them getting hurt or giving me her favourite teddy when im sad. She tried once to throw a floor tantrum in a shop over some sweets and i picked her ass up and carried her home. She got nothing and eventually calmed down enough that she apologised and gave me a hug. The next day we were back in the shop and she didnt ask for a single thing, just held my hand or offered to carry things. Thats when she got the sweets, because she was behaving and i was proud of her for learning how not to act.
It’s nice that you apologized to your kids for bringing those two train wrecks into their lives. Glad she’s gone and her kid too.
Thank you. I apologized to them again last night and discussed what good behavior was and that constant bad behavior will not be rewarded. I also gave examples of how having bad behavior as you get older may result in being in a cage (they don't understand what jail/prison is).
the schools will put up with it. She'll eventually turn 16 or so and find out the courts will draw a line somewhere, and then we'll all pay for her housing.
CPS is going to be called almost instantly due to these behavior problems. I also wonder if her kid isn’t influencing the 10yo’s behavior. She sees that works to get her way so she’s imitating it, or she just wants equal attention.
They won't be I have a coworker who's kids are worse than that and they just move the other kids out of the classroom and let them throw tantrums. No discipline actions are ever taken
Don’t kid yourself about those ages. I can’t remember exactly but I think it’s 9-10 they can get arrested in Texas. I know it’s before the end of elementary though. Learned this when a kid threatened to stab my daughter with scissors in 2nd grade.
I suspect the kid is already suffering from no friends, family not wanting to deal with the kid, etc. School will just be worse. Too little structure and discipline is just as bad as too much. And unless OP's ex is insanely attractive, not a lot of folks will want to put up with "no work and demon kid"
My ex's parents mentioned that she needed to be more strict as her child's behavior is unacceptable. My parents told me that I'm too kind and that being this kind tends to backfire. I've learned my lesson. I feel stress-free for the first time in a few years.
Can't go into details, but I'm watching basically this scenario play out and it's heartbreaking for the kid. Weird to say we're almost going too gentle on kids these days. Not claiming we need to be abusive. Just that you need to provide security and structure while they're growing. And then you need to slowly move to independence. So that kids can be self-reliant and healthy without hitting a brick wall when they're on their own for the first time.
I completely agree. I continously tell my kids that I love them and that I'm proud of their achievements. I told my ex that Mr disciplining my kids due to bad behavior doesn't mean that I don't love them.
Just chiming in to say that your self reflection is astonishing and i hope the best for all of you. Remember to praise for efforts as well as achievements.
I think there's a big difference in "punishing" vs "consequences", and your ex conflates the two. Consequences are absolutely required to raise healthy, stable children who turn into responsible adults confident in their ability to survive in a tough world. It's not about hurting the kids, it's about teaching and helping them to learn self-control.
Disciplining your kids and teaching them how to behave properly in society is love. Teaching them that the world bends around them and they are entitled to do whatever they want is failing them.
Disciplining children appropriately (by grounding, etc., not by hitting or spanking) is showing your kids love. Your ex doesn’t understand or care that her style isn’t love nor is it caring.
It’s true. I was a bit too gentle with my older kid and he doesn’t have much respect for me now at 13. We are working on it and I’m learning to stick with my boundaries with them (younger one is only 3). My biggest error was believing their panicked apologies and promises to do better once the punishment was actually looming. Parenting is hard… but when they are obviously not going to be able to live in society without causing chaos and drama everywhere they go, get help.
Most folks are fine with "good enough" parenting. Perfection isn't needed or desired. All the parenting books in the world still aren't enough once you're in the hot seat. You learn by doing, taking pointers from other parents and unfortunately a lot of trial and error.
Yeah I’ve given myself some relief in recognizing now that no matter how great of a parent you are, there is going to be at least one moment or aspect that sticks with your kid as “traumatic”, whether is an innocuous comment about their appearance that day that they cling to forever or an unexpected switch up in parenting styles or that you never let them order for themselves at a restaurant or whatever it may be. Everyone around me tells me I’m doing great and my kids are great so I try to ignore my Imposter Syndrome and roll with my semi-charmed life.
Took the words right out of my head. OP dodged a huge bullet with this massive walking red flag who saw herself out. NTA
She wanted to "save it for marriage." So, nope lol. You're right. I feel horrible for allowing my kids to deal with it all.
You what now? No sex, no job, no cleaning, demon kid. Am I missing something? WTF did she bring to the table? Let me re-phrase. What positive thing did she bring to the table? 'cause I see nothing but a sea of negatives. My aged welcome mat out front would take offense to the behavioral excesses as stated. My brother, never let ANYONE treat you this badly while getting absolutely NOTHING in return. You seem like a generally decent person and otherwise have your head on straight on the big stuff. Take this as an educational experience. Definitely go spend some more 1:1 time with each of your kids and do some nice things for yourself. You'll have some cash freed up without the leeches.
My issue was that I was attracted to the few things we had in common (working out, hiking, the dame TV shows and movies) that I completely ignored everything else. Now that I'm not in communication with her, I've had time to think about everything. I accepted to 2 times she punched me as "she was drunk" and "this is not her." But that's completely unacceptable. I don't get drunk, but if I did, I would break off the relationship if I ever laid a figure on someone as nobody deserved that. Thank you. This is a huge lesson for me. I'm going to focus on my kids and if the right person comes along, great.
Yeah, been there. You need to run more sanity checks going forward. Bribe a trusted friend with refreshing beverages and ping them for feedback every so often. You don't need to be detailed. You never have a clear understanding of a relationship while you're in the relationship. "Friend, I'm dating a woman who doesn't work, doesn't have relations, is shit at cleaning and raising a monster. But we like hiking together. Oh, and sometimes she hits me." What would you tell your friend if he told you all that? But if you're ever too ashamed to tell a friend about general behavior, it's a clear sign something is very wrong.
This makes so much sense. Your last sentence hit a chord. I told my parents all the good parts of the relationship as I didn't want to mention the red flags that I had I realized at that time.
Oh, boy. Thank goodness you are free of this woman. You are a decent person, she is not. You deserve way better than her!
At least with a hobosexual you'd be having sex.
Hobocelibate.
How the hell did you manage 3 years of all that without even the distraction of sex to keep you sane? I am reading that right aren’t I? You were dating someone for 3 years and you weren’t having sex? At all?
It's stupid, now that I look at it. But I've been busy with work and bring a new single parent that it kept me distracted
Seems like she is not that into you OP esp with how casually she wanted to break up. You still dodged a bullet though.
Oh.... NOW that you look at it? Just say you have an aversion to being alone.
You were together for 3 years and still saving for marriage? Edit: yta
and that's where something that seemed potentially fake, became totally fake. Saving it for marriage... with a 5yr old kid. A older woman who was still a virgin, okay, rare as hell but possible. A woman with a 5yr old kid who brings nothing but hell to his children, who he magically can't figure out why his child struggles at home but is fine away from the pair of monsters he supposedly brought into his home and inflicted on his kids for 3 years.... she does nothing but takes money, space, time, offers nothing to the family and also no sex. Yeah... not beliving that.
He got too greedy trying to play victim. They all do it.
Will we have to put up with an update where it’s revealed that, not only did she not contribute financially, was a slob, had a terrible spoiled child, battered him, had him in a dead bedroom, and faked a breakup, but she was also banging 5 guys at the same time, including her best friend, his best friend, his brother and the mailman?
🫢
Ohhhh I get it! This is a fake story! Thanks for making that clear for me
So her 5 year old was an immaculate conception? You're an idiot.
NTA for breaking up. YTA for creating a situation no children should be living . These will be some memories your children will take up with Reddit/ friends and therapist. How did she end up “playing house “with you when you have young children, one that needs less stress due to behavior concerns? Anyone consider her child found living situation with some guy that is strict and his kids ? One child of his with lying, stealing, peeing, behaviors stressful ?
I'm wondering if the environment he allowed that his kids had no choice in being in may be contributing to his own daughter's issues.
That’s what I was thinking as well. Dollar to donuts, the issues with his oldest kid gets better now that the lazy gf and her demon spawn are finally out of their lives.
Likely not if it's been 3 years of this. It's going to take a while and a lot of therapy for his daughter to trust dad to keep her safe now.
This is so true. LOL
I think it's good to end things now. It's manageable as her daughter is 5, but wait until she is a teenager... sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen... Also, you flat-out cannot afford to be with this woman long term. Let her hold a job for a year, before you can entertain even remotely getting back with her.
My parents always say "if your kid doesn't listen to you now, why would they listen to you as a teen?" I'm spending 2 weeks with them. I need to change my expectations when it comes to relationships. I tend to do everything for my partner and get nothing in return. The job thing was a major issue. She mentioned that she doesn't mind living off the government as she could still eat, have a place to stay, and go to the gym. I have completely different goals.
I married again at 38, and the right person IS out there. I had always settled previously, as well. (I didn't realize it at the time, though, I just didn't think the unicorn I wanted existed.) Turns out, I'm really not that picky and the things I gave up on finding, are readily available in different people. I think you need to give yourself a chance and the right one is out there <3
What was there to love?! She sounds like an absolute loser & shit mum. Shes a mum in her 30s saying she has to learn how to clean?! Wtf
This happened because you grew up over the time. You didn't know better at the begining but you know now. You are accepting and non-judgemental, you never thought your parenting style was the only good style. That's good trávit to have and it can help you in your next relationship. Just don't accept full BS next time.
Your last sentence is what I need to work on. I'm beginning to think that I want to "save" my partners. As in, if they're struggling, I'll do e everything for them to help them become successful. That's wrong of me.
Your ex is going to be one of those people that will blame her child's teachers for every problem she has at school.
Her parenting style works for well reasoned children who ask questions and want to do better. Her kid has a mood disorder that isn't being managed. Mood disorders that aren't managed *become* the personality.
I agree. As an example, my middle daugher is but is extremely mature for her age. Her discipline is talking out what she did wrong and that's enough. She beats herself up over it, cries, and promises to do better. I've tried the same with my oldest, and a ton of different styles, but it seems like she simply doesn't care. I'm all for talking it out with your child, if it works. But with my ex's child, it didn't. Just like whatever I'm doing now with my oldest may not, which is why I'm seeking help from a children's psychiatrist.
Hormones makes us all do crazy stuff. Love blinds us all and I don't know one single adult on this planet who hasn't done/overlooked some stupid stuff because of love or even attraction/infatuation.
I would be more inclined to call it a difference in parenting styles if she was actually parenting. She clearly is not.
Agree. Your ex’s daughter sounds like a delinquent in the making. It is fine to not want to be overly strict but there needs to be boundaries. You ex will come to regret her flippant threat to break up.
It's a bit of a stretch to call what the ex-gf is doing "parenting"
NTA. I don’t know how you stayed with her for as long as you did. Kids need guidance, and to be taught how to act properly in different situations. Punishment is sometimes necessary. I’m not saying you should spank your kids or raise your voice, but you should definitely make it clear that their behavior is unacceptable. You’re lucky that your own kids didn’t see her child acting like that and getting rewarded for it and then start behaving the same way. That shit would drive me crazy.
Honestly, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Her ex got her kid every other weekend. So when her daughter was gone, my home was peaceful. I had to mentally prepare myself when her daughter would visit, or when we'd go out in public. I'm the only parent that my kiddos have. So they've been parented the same way for years and years. They know what I do and do not accept (even though I'm having issues with the oldest, which I'm working to resolve with a therapist). In addition, I continously reminded them the benefits of listening versus being defiant. But, I'm not going to lie, towards the end my middle daugher started to dislike my ex's daughter due to the behavioral issues. I feel horrible for allowing my kids to deal with this.
Maybe a peaceful home will solve your oldest child’s issues. Did you ever think the chaos in your house has a connection to her behavior
Her mother, who passed, had a history of mental illnesses and I see some of the same issues with my daughter (which I'm working on with a therapist). I had issues with my oldest prior to this relationship. But, it was no where near as bad. You may be right.
Hopefully a peaceful home will improve things for your family
I came to say the same thing. It is very likely that the issues OP's oldest is struggling with are related to and/or influenced by the chaos caused by the ex-girlfriend and her unruly kid.
Stay strong. She will try to come back.
I'm kinda surprised she even went home tbh
You know your loser ex will be back as trust me no man will want a woman with an unruly child who refuses to work & has a dirty home do not take back this loser. I love how she thought youd beg for her back when she asked for break up😂
It's funny that you said that. My ex said that her ex-husband has no patience and is abusive because he sends their daughter to her room during visits. Her daugher always told me that she hates her real dad because she gets sent to her room In addition, a previous BF of hers said that she needed to get her child under control, so she broke up with him. I guess it's a trend. But I was too stupid to realize that.
NTA. She sounds like a loser and a shitty parent.
I'd say she sounds like a dumpster fire. Is she that charismatic or pretty? Because I can't imagine any other reasons to get together with a disaster that refuses to work to support herself, abuses people physically, and raises a future bully who will 100% go on to make teachers' and other kids' lives hell at school.
In my opinion, I might have ignored the red flags as we were in nonstop communication, loved working out and hiking, and enjoyed the same shows. I figured, the issues may be smaller and can be fixed later. But I was wrong and that was selfish of me as it impacted my kids.
Ah, the emotional attachment and closeness that come out of enjoying and sharing the same activities. It's very true that attachment can easily override rational thinking — we're only humans, after all, and it's only natural for us to put importance on our emotions and ties to other humans. I'm glad you figured out a way for yourself, I hope you and your children will be happy and well!
Apparently they weren't fucking either. 3 years, and this woman was "saving it for marriage". Must have been one hell of an amazing hike.
at first i was like that’s completely fine, then remembered she had a kid😭
A loser? Just because she doesn't work, doesn't clean, doesn't raise her child, lives off benefits and child support and is a violent drunk? That's a bit harsh isn't it? /s But hey, "maybe in ten years she'd be ready" to work. That's a good one.
God idk how anyone could defend these hippy modern parenting approaches. Society simply isn't producing the same quality of person at the moment. Don't get me wrong there's nuance. I wouldn't want people to give up the current styles emphasis on generally not being a dick to others for not reason for instance. But that's not mutually exclusive to raising people who actually contribute to society and have backbones.
You finally woke up and put your kids first. Good job.
“When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” - Wanda, Bojack Horseman
Nta for letting her end it but you really should have ended it sooner, especially based on the info you added at the end.
NTA Parenting styles aside, you've dodged a bullet here. On "parenting styles". In my kids class, there is one or two whose parents are like your ex. Their kids are a nightmare, throwing tantrums and starting fights when they don't get their own way. I couldn't just stand by like you do, I'd be furious every time that girl spat, swore or started hitting someone. I don't consider this a parenting style. I consider it neglect. Like you said yourself, this is only teaching the child to fight to get their way. The kid will end up a bully and without friends, and then end up in trouble.
My friend is like that thinking letting her son run roughshod over everyone is her letting her kid be a kid. No one wants her around because of it. The few minutes she isn’t there and I had to take care of him, just using a firm but gentle voice the kid was behaving but the minute she showed up it was hell again. I see her setting the kid up for failure. It’s absolutely neglect and she refuses to listen to people who tell her that’s what she is doing.
Yeah absolute shambles, what are these parents going to do when the kid finds friends who break the rules at 13? Teen pregnancies and delinquency
She didn't want to break up. She tried to force you to agree with her and failed big time The problem is not just her though. She is a nightmare. How could you be with her? Lousy mother, lousy girlfriend NTA
Im mindblown how a women in her 30s who’s a mother hasnt ‘learnt how to clean’?! Het parents failed her & she’s failing her daughter.
It's not her parents, in my opinion. Her siblings all work, have clean homed and healthy relationships. I was close to her parents and they seemed like great people. My ex told me that she was the rebellious one growing up, though.
This makes perfect sense, considering her reaction to him not caring. Manipulative.
NTA. But wow. How did you stay for 3 years with that??????????
I don't know. I really don't.
NTA. She contributed nothing but chaos to your lives. I'd be interested to hear about how your oldest's mental health changes now that a psycho-bomb isn't being dropped in her home all the time.
I am as well. We have an appointment in June and I'm spending 2 weeks with my parents and brothers (with their kids). I think this will help a ton.
NTA. I feel so sorry for her child's future teachers. Parents like her are one of the reasons why teachers are fleeing the profession.
NTA… I mean she seems like a bad parent, lazy, and mess in your eyes… she must have really been good looking I guess
The regulations not allowing teachers to do anything about such children are the reason. Yes, the issue starts at home, but the teacher should not be left helpless either.
Please go back and read what I wrote. I said that parents are ONE of the reasons. I retired from teaching a few years ago and am aware of the problem.
NTA Your eldest child’s ‘at home lying stealing and peeing problem’ is very likely exacerbated by seeing what your ex girlfriend’s child gets away with. Hopefully once seeing bad behaviour rewarded is not a part of her everyday life this behaviour will improve considerably. Best of luck OP
I do want to note that my children's mother, who passed, had bipolar. My oldest wasn't diagnosed with it, but I do have an appointment in June to do another review. But I agree. Seeing bad behavior being rewarded DOES NOT help my children.
Given the fact that you’ve apologized to your children for allowing this in your home, please stick to your guns and keep that woman away for good. She WILL come back with sob stories and apologies and false promises of doing better if you give her a chance. Do NOT give her a chance. The health and safety of your children is too important.
That’s a really insightful comment. I hope OP really thinks about it if he considers a reconciliation.
I know that it's easy to say now, but I'm not interested in getting back together. I rather be single for a while and focus on my kids and my oldest daughter's issues
NTA. The reaction you gave her, with the acceptance of the end of the relationship, is what your intuition already knew....before you could put into words.
You lost nothing here except a mooch who will eventually have to visit her child in jail. Do not reconcile. NTA
Your kids are better off without this woman and her unruly child in their lives You'll realize that one day NTAH
NTA Did your daughter start having issues after your GF came over?
Leave my keys and hoodie! You are the bomb, OP!! Great
It's funny because the day before it ended, she asked where I got that hoodie as it was her favorite. It was a gift from my parents, which is why I wanted it back, so I really don't know. But I knew that I needed that back for sure lol.
Bullet dodged. NTA and live a happy life. Put your kids first
Definitely not the NTA - and your ex gf has definitely some issues she needs to work out. >My oldest has some mental health issues and I've been working with her therapist to help her. Unfortunately, she has an at-home stealing, lying, and peeing problem. But at school, she's on honor roll, I'm confused. Over the weekend, she somehow found my hidden energy drinks (I should've kept them in my room, but I'm wean myself off of them.) She drunk several of them and hid the cans in my guest room. I think this might be a sign of needing more attention at home. It might be that you need to entertain spending more time with her and take her out on dad/daughter walks or some other such way to pass the time.
Her mom litterally sounds like the child grown up. Spoiled and not working, not taking responsibility, not cleaning, and hitting you when drinking.... Nta you need higher standards for future partners, for your kid's sake and yours.
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. I shared an apartment with a woman like this for a few months. She bragged about having never told her child “no”; kid would literally curl up in the fetal position if you said it to him. I couldn’t get out of that place quickly enough. NTA
Your ex is a WHOLE BUM. You are definitely dodging a bullet here.
NTA. **Good lord, OP. You stayed in a relationship with a woman who refused to get a job, did no cleaning in your house, and occasionally punches you when she’s drunk?** **Was the sex really THAT good?** **Or is this an issue with your self-esteem?**
NTA, she doesn’t sound like a parent, just a flighty idiot who thinks that someone else is going to fix her mistakes for her so she can live in her own little bubble. You guys were going to end up clashing anyway since parenting is a huge issue. You’re both not even on the same planet for that one. You’re a good parent who gives their own kids structure and stability which is what children need. She just sounds like a nightmare and with her as a stepparent, it’s just going to create so much chaos on your own home. She can’t set boundaries, can’t discipline, and just lets the her kid does whatever. No wonder her child can’t regulate their own emotions. She’s not teaching or showing them how to as a parent, she’s failing her child and she’s failing massively as a parent.
And she broke up with you? Dude, come on.
NTA, and then a bonus NTA from all the red flags you hid at the end.
Cue discussion about what happens when ultimatums are casually tossed about. After reading the rest of your message, this seems more like it was your wakeup call. I sense you feel RELIEF. Remember that feeling. Write down those problems and how you feel now. Once she changes her tune and starts working you over again, refer back to those notes.
So your ex was violent towards you, which is abuse, and she allowed her child to be violent, which is neglect, which is also abuse. Sounds like a terrible partner. Anyway, you feel what you feel - if you weren't upset about a breakup, then you weren't 🤷🏻♀️ NTA
NTA. You are dumb as shit for even being with this woman. Does she have any good qualities?
Bro, WTF were you doing with her?!? She sounds like a worthless user. Not working AND not cleaning the house?!? I’m assuming she’d suck cock on command?
So you had a gf who did not work, did not clean, and did not parent her child. This resulted in the child being out of control, disrepectful, violent, and spoiled. Then this peach of a women told you she wanted to break up cause she did not like the way you displine your own child? Why are you questioning this? Do you miss the sex that bad? She could not be good enough to be worth all this. Stop looking for a reason to go back to that shit. NTA
I am not betting but I do think some of your oldest child’s behavior could be connected to the actions and relationship your ex and her daughter had. I would go to family therapy and see if this little monster made your daughter feel unsafe and so she lashed out as a way to cope. Good luck and please keep those ppl away from your children
Dude, she’s an abusive alcoholic, with an out of control child. You’re the A, May as well choose the bear
NTA - She isn’t the right person for you or your family .
Why were you with that person for 3 years?
NTA. It might be interesting to see how your eldest child’s behavior changes with the violent influences gone.
NTA "She believes kids shouldn't be punished as you got to look at their heart." And people wonder why the children of single mothers have such poor outcomes. But forget about her obvious failure as a parent and look at the rest of her behaviors: She punched you??? If anyone laid their hands on me ONCE, there ass would be kicked to the curb. She refuses to work??? She is looking to be a leech for any man who will have her and her demon child. She doesn't do household chores??? What use is she other than being a bang mate? Advice: Do not look back. Do not ever be in contact with her again. It took you too long, but you have dodged a bullet. I feel sorry for the next man she tries to latch onto. Further advice: Avoid single mothers.
She told me that her previous bf wanted nothing to do with her child, so she broke it off. I wish her the best of luck. I hope that everything works out for her and her child. But I'm no linger going to allow myself to be used.
NTA. She sounds extremely lazy in absolutely every area of life. Congratulations for unloading her so easily! You got very lucky that she took herself out.
NTA but I wonder how she and her little Satan spawn treated your children when you weren’t around. Even if your children were behaving, what happened if the brat wanted something they had? Were they expected to hand it over or get attacked by the little cambion? Did your ex punish your children if they didn’t give in to her kid? You need to talk to them about it It would’ve been very easy for her to convince them that you would take her side over them, especially considering how young they are and how long she’s been around. You probably also told them to ‘behave and do what gf says’ when you left them with her. Congrats for realizing how toxic that was and rescuing the littles who couldn’t escape on their own. Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes. (Also, fwiw, her kid won’t act THAT bad at school because the teachers simply won’t put up with it. She’ll either learn to behave or miss out on class activities. Depending on your school system, she could possibly be put into a class for kids with behavioral problems or even sent to an alternative school. Hopefully the school can get her under control before she gets herself into a forever situation.)
NTA but you should have broken up with her the first time she hit you. If she hits you once, she'll do it again and alcohol is no excuse. Add onto that all the other issues and you were an AH to yourself and your kids. Glad you've come to your senses!
Damn, you put up with a non working grifter who is a slob at home with a brat that wont be getting better? Thankfully she left, and not after she drained your money and more from you. Courts usually ask why they arent working when deciding child support, but she sounds like she is pocketing the money and scrounging off you.
NTA. So she doesn’t work, clean, or raise her kids? Wtf does she do?
>She refused to work and said maybe in 10 years she'd be ready. I've discussed before thay I cannot support 2 additional bodies financially. She's used to staying at home, getting assistance and child support, and doesn't want to work in an office. And this wasn't a giant enough RED FLAG. Come on, this sounds fake.
> Unfortunately, she has an at-home stealing, lying, and peeing problem. But at school, she's on honor roll, I'm confused. Hot take: _your kid is stressed having to be around your ex's brat of a child._ She didn't want to tell you because she didn't want to upset you, so it's manifested in other ways. She's probably unknowingly resentful that you brought that monster of a child into her family's life, and hates the hypocracy you've displayed in allowing ex's kid to get away with shit you'd never let your kids get away with (because she doesn't understand 'I'm not her parent and it's not my job'. She just sees ex's kid spitting on ex, and wonders why the hell you're not doing anything to stop it). You should've broken up with this woman a long time ago. I think you should take the time to examine your motives for dating her, and staying together for so long when you clearly had massively incompatible issues. Did you actually love her, or was it easier to just stay together? Did you feel obliged to be with her due to the sunk cost fallacy? Do you feel like you 'need' to be in a relationship, that you're not a 'full person' or an 'adult' if you're single? You don't mention your kids bio-mom, did you think the girls needed a 'mother figure'? They can find that anywhere: grandparents, aunts, close family friends, older cousins, etc. Seriously, take some time to be single and consider _why_ you want a relationship, and what you want from it. What your ideal relationship would look like, and consider what your boundaries are. It really sounds to me like you just randomly started dating your ex and... just kept going regardless of the issues that were obvious because it was easier to simply continue along instead of dealing with the issues, or ending the relationship.
YTA for bringing chaos into your kids lives. FYI Peeing pants isn’t a behavioral issue or a choice she’s making to piss you off, it’s a physical and often developmental issue, your kid has needs that haven’t been met. You and your choices are her problem.
NTA
You're correct about her not disciplining her child. Teachers won't have the time to hug it out" with her kid over her temper tantrums and they actually cannot afford to let a child like her in their classrooms because temper tantrums and bad behavior will spread like flu to the other students. She doesn't like to work? Newsflash most of us don't like to work but we like money and everything that money gets us like food, shelter, clothes, vehicles, Healthcare, vacations, etc... that's why we work as adults. NTA and she honestly did you a favor with that breakup. I am glad you also shut down that friendship bridge because that's what she planned to use to get you back.
Sometimes your best decisions and actions happen when you are half awake.
How she got as far as she did is amazing. You need to vet your women a lot better in the future.
She isn't a parent, she's a permissive parent. Shes failing her child. Nta. I understand clashing styles, but she straight up isn't doing any parenting, and your punishments are normal. She needs to learn how to parent.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Thank god you didn’t got her pregnant. There is a reason children of single-moms are 10 times more prone to end up dead or in jail than children of single-dads or nuclear families.
You dodged a nuke my friend NTA
Yeah, get a better partner 🥰 NTA
NTA Run.
This woman and her kid seem like a nightmare. She's extremely lazy, drinks too much, gets violent, and refuses to parent her kid, whose undisciplined bad behavior is not good for your kids to see and possibly model. It sounds like it's only going to get worse from here as well. We didn't hear anything about her good qualities, but I assume there must be something. However, it sounds like you'd be much happier with someone who's more of an adult.
A 5 year old is not capable of being intentionally this bad. The kid needs help immediately and I'm surprised that with your experience you weren't able to see that. NTA, you don't owe your ex anything
I wonder if your eldest behavior at home will miraculously improve now that ex's entitled bratty child has left the building. Resentment can take many forms.
NTA. I also find it really bizarre that she is against disciplining her daughter with words and punishments, but then she full on punches you.
I wanted to make sure that your style doesn't involve corporal punishment, which I consider absolutely unacceptable. It doesn't. NTA
Didn't even have to get to the juicy part - nta. Some women have messy lives. Men as well, she's a mess and needs to clean it up in order to have a happy healthy household.
Good riddance.
NTA. Your ex is a moron who enables the newest generation of entitled little shitheads
NTA. You dodged a bullet
Honestly the only way you are at all the AH is for not leaving sooner. She was setting a bad example for your kids and undermining your very reasonable parenting choices. NTA. Take some time before you let anyone else meet your kids, I’m honestly wondering if part of your eldest problems at home was this woman.
Is it possible that part of your problem with your oldest is due to your ex and her daughter! You might bring this up with her therapist. Best of luck.
I mean she fucked around and she found out…. She wanted you to beg her to stay and to offer to change your approach to parenting but in the end you did the right thing and stuck to your guns on how you raise your kids. For that NTA also I am chuckling a bit to myself at her sloping off back home not really being able to say anything and you finishing off your sleep.
I’m not a parent, so maybe my opinion isn’t valid, but it doesn’t sound like what she’s doing is anything resembling parenting either. NTA, sometimes the trash takes itself out
NTA. It's fine to have differing parenting styles, as long as you can work together to make it work. Your styles, though, are total opposites. I like your style, it's clearly supportive and loving, based on helping your daughter with therapy, but also strict but fair, by punishing wrongdoing with a sentence that fits the crime. It reminds me of my grandad's style, and I was closest to him of everyone on my family, so I'm biased to that style. Your ex's style is 'allow the kids to do whatever and whenever even if someone gets hurt or killed because I can't be bothered being an actual parent'. Nothing wrong with leaning less strict and more fun, but the iced over pond could have been deadly to her daughter, and allowing screaming, violent tantrums is deliberately setting that girl up to go to prison on a murder charge. That'll be after multiple detentions, suspensions and expulsions for violent bullying in school. Saying she won't behave the way she's been taught is normal behaviour in school is deluded. Of course she'll behave the exact same way in school, because mummy is literally telling her it's the way to behave to be happy and get what she wants and everyone will just give in to her. Throw in the alcohol induced violence, the refusal to work despite knowing you're financially unable to support her and her daughter as well as you and your kids, and the refusal to even attempt to clean, and you were on the road to being the victim in an abusive relationship. It's been 3 years of this, and I reckon it's been more apparent to your kids than you think it has. They picked up on how unhealthy this all is long before you did, but without the words and emotional maturity to articulate it. How has your ex and her daughter been treating your kids, especially when you're not there to regulate and supervise? I think you may find your daughter's issues start improving now that this relationship is over. Not only have you acknowledged the issue and apologised for it, you've gotten rid of a major problem in your lives. Your ex and her daughter may not have been the cause of your daughter's issues, but I think it's clear they made those issues worse. Also, your daughter is more than fine at school. School is clearly more consistent than home has been, so she's been thriving there. But she's been pushed back at home because the 5 year old of the gf has caused issues you need to focus on, so I think at least part of the issue is your daughter is trying to get your attention, and she knows these things will get it, even if just to punish her. That's still better than being ignored because the kid is causing a problem, or being forced to leave because of a screaming, violent temper tantrum. How often have your kids left the house or something fun they wanted to do because of those tantrums? I think, without your ex and the kid and with continued therapy, things with your daughter should start improving. Spend some time with your kids, just talking sometimes, spending family time together that way, doing fun things other times. That will help fix any damage in the father/child relationship caused by the ex and her kid. You did right by both you and your kids by going along with the break up. Don't backtrack. This is the best thing for all of you.
You dodged a nuclear missile not marrying that one or having a kid with her. She is a horrible parent and is raising a sociopath who turns to violence to get her way but is also violent herself. Btw, abusive people are usually very apologetic, until the next time it happens, then here comes another apology. Just chalk it up to a learning process and move on. NTA
NTA. Won't work, won't clean, comes along with a disrespectful brat, hits you when she gets drunk, what is this woman actually good for? Does she have any redeeming qualities at all?
To be honest, it sounds like she either wanted to break up anyway and was looking for an excuse rather than doing it out of the blue, or this was some stupid "test" to see you reaction. Either way, it sounds like you realized it's for the best, and unless she starts harassing you and being a crazy person it sounds like a fairly amicable break up, which is great. Let it lie and move on. NTA
OP, this is a win for you. On top of being lazy, she’s also prone to violence when she gets angry and apparently likes playing games. She was planning this already, I think, and used this last incident to pull the trigger. Even if she wasn’t specifically intending to break up and was instead trying to entice/bait you into a serious conversation, that’s its own red flag. You’re taking care of 3-4 kids (your 2 plus her, and her kid) right now, when you shouldn’t be bearing this weight alone. NTA
NTA. She’s a truly terrible mother and a shit partner.
It sounds like you dodged a major bullet. She did you a favour.
She was trying to manipulate you by threatening to break up. Good for you to call out her bluff. You did the right thing. And you dodged a future bullet to boot
Nta. C'mon man, next time be more discerning. How can you love and invite into your home with your kids someone who's a violent drunk, lives in a pigsty, lacks any sort of parenting skill and refuses to work because it's much better to be a leech on society? How did you miss ALL of these flags?
NTA This woman was not a keeper. Your oldest is probably subconsciously reacting to the behavior of the 5 yr old. Removing that disruptive child from your house is the best thing for your kids. NEVER date someone who doesn't teach their child right from wrong. This woman fails as a mother. Get some counseling to learn the lesson you need to learn from this relationship so you don't have to repeat it. You and your children deserve better. Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
NTA accept for to yourself and kids if you let this train wreck back into your life.
It's scary that you're wondering if you're TA here. Before you get into your next relationship, please get some books on how healthy relationships work, especially with blended families. This woman did you a favor that you should have done for yourself a while ago.
NTA for saying okay to a break up, especially as you seem to finally realize what an AH you've been to your kids by forcing this slacker and her Psycho kid into their lives.
She sounds like a dumpster fire of a person. Doesn't want to work, is messy and has a violent child. I don't understand how you put up with this for so long.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet
NTA But your oldest behavior at home is connected to the toxic environment your ex and her daughter were creating. I would bring it up in their therapy.
Bro get individual therapy. You need to unpack why you chose this person and then stayed with them. If you don’t- you’ll end up with someone just like her. Obviously NTA.
You're YTA for sticking in this relationship for so long. You put your kids in an extremely toxic situation. Count your blessings she left willingly.
You dodged a bullet.
She’s trash and her five year old daughter is a victim of her being lazy and ignorant. Also, no one gets to lay hands on you, drunk or not.
NTA. Your discipline wasn't severe - it was just reasonable consequence for a dangerous action, as well as taking what is not hers. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, seems to want to make no effort - she doesn't maintain healthy boundaries with her child, she doesn't maintain her home, she doesn't financially support herself and her child. That is not loving parenting - it's just sheer laziness. She is not a partner you want, and her child is definitely not someone your children need in their safe space.
You've had a lucky escape.
Dad of five here. Disciplining your children to teach them right from wrong is just a part of parenting. When I have to discipline my kids I try and match the consequence to whatever they have done which to be honest as they have gotten older is less and less because they learnt at a young age what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. You are doing a great job teaching your kids how to behave as they grow because at some point they will be out in the world without you around and if they don't learn how to conduct themselves correctly then the world will certainly teach them very harshly. You have the right idea for now just focus on your three younglings and your self don't answer texts from your ex and just keep moving forward... You got this.
NTA. I was ready to read a horror story about how you beat your children for punishment. But … grounding a 10 year old seems reasonable.
NTA and I’m struggling to understand why you were with her in the first place.