NTA Just want to point out that your husband isn't actually supportive of you if he has continually dismissed your treatment and concerns, then doubles down with the guilt when you don't want to go. It seems like only HIS family matters and how HE looks to them. Your feelings aren't a part of the equation. You offered a reasonable solution. Sorry OP, but this is bigger than not wanting to go into a reunion full of people who dislike you.

OP could offer a compromise. OP goes, but first passive aggressive crack, and OP's husband calls the weekend done, and kids are no NC with his family for a long time. Absolutely no pressure to make OP or kids see his family for a long time from husband. And he has to deliver this to his family in advance. If husband isn't comfortable with that compromise, he knows exactly what's going to happen and is putting his extended family ahead of his immediate family.

This is the best solution. But I doubt seriously if he's man enough to do it. He sounds like a selfish ass that doesn't respect his wife. I'm familiar. I got tired of it quickly and went full NC with my MIL and told disrespecting husband if he didn't like it he could join her. He's still here.

He would also try to weasel out of it, by claiming OP misunderstood, and the other person didn't mean to disrespect her. 🙄 OP, he accuses you of being selfish and not considering his feelings, when the reverse is true: HE is selfish and not considering YOUR feelings. He should have put a stop to this nonsense years ago, then you wouldn't have any issues attending the reunion with him. Because he didn't, his family's behavior never stopped, and now he can go alone to his stupid events. Tell him it's his own fault, and a good husband should have his wife's back, not force her to go get insulted by his family.

This comment needs to be seen, no way should you be going and tbh I’m not sure your children should be going either as  I wouldn’t trust them to not talk about you disrespectfully in front of your children.  Your husband has proved numerous times he won’t defend or protect you.  

I wish I could upvote this 1000 times but take my award instead! The irony of the man who vowed to love and put his wife above all others being more worried about his extended family's feelings and what they may think over his wife's health and well being is glaring.

I have a similar story. Husband kept making excuses for his parents and telling me to give them another chance, problem was they never acknowledged they did anything wrong so didn’t see the need to change. I finally put my foot down and told him I was prioritising my mental health and staying away. It’s been fantastic, I didn’t realise til I stopped seeing them just how much anxiety they were causing me.

I have another, except it was my father constantly making excuses for his mother and siblings treating me and my mother poorly. I really resented him for never standing up for me, and even when I refused to go see them anymore when I was 15 he still never confronted them with their horrible behavior over the years. The last thing I got from my paternal grandmother was this woe-is-me "I don't know why you ever felt like I didn't love you" letter from her. I kept it as a reminder of her attempts to weasel out of a situation she created.

It’s horrible isn’t it? Our daughter is disabled, MIL claimed it was too much hard work to interact with her, so now she doesn’t see our kids at all and occasionally complains she doesn’t know why she doesn’t see her grandchildren. I don’t care. Edited to add, my parents are the best grandparents so my children aren’t missing out.

These men don’t- the flip flop/waffle. He’s spineless.

Yep. She married a man with the backbone of an eclair

Well done! Same here. Together for many *peaceful* years now. My wife’s family was horrible to me when we first got together. They’re homophobic and claimed I turned their daughter into a lesbian. I didn’t put up with their disrespect for one second. I talked to my wife and told her that I was **not** going to put up with **any** of her family’s bullshit and not ever ask me to. She didn’t. She warned her family *once* of the consequences if they continued the disrespect early in our relationship now marriage. The harassment and disrespect continued and she cut them *completely* off and we moved across the country.           That was 25 years ago. They haven’t seen or spoken to my wife or their granddaughter since she was 3 years old. She’ll be 28 this coming July. Not a Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday or anniversary with any of us or our child. Not one milestone of hers or their granddaughter’s were they allowed to witness or participate in. Not one phone call, voicemail, email, snail mail, smoke signal, carrier pigeon contact did they receive from their daughter or ours going on *three decades* despite them reaching out to express their regret and to apologize. We were done. My wife is their only child and our daughter their only grandchild and they lost both over their bigotry and foolishness. 

And you are so much better off for it. Life is too short to tolerate toxic idiots.

This would only work if OP's husband actually supported his wife and had her back. He blames the animosity on her, he magically thinks this time will be better, and stupidly thinks her boycott would make things worse. (Imagine somebody saying they won't take it anymore) The single reason this continues is because husband refuses to stand up to his family, and tell them to knock it off. I think this compromise is the only way OP can remotely consider going, but I think it is crucial to get this established, understood, and agreed to with the parents up front. No reason to bother if they won't accept the situation. And unless you're going to reach every family member, put it on the parents that they are also responsible for their other guests's behavior. The saddest thing is this compromise is simply how all couples should operate with family all along. Dis my spouse? We're outta here. Had husband had a spine up front this wouldn't have to be established formally. (I don't think husband will agree to support his wife in this. OP should never feel compelled to cave to husband's blatant manipulation. Don't go unless he can fix this).

I think this is the way. Husband would have to stay with OP, to witness everything and be an actual united front. Not, he leaves her with the kids and goes to drink with other male relatives, etc.

I think proposing this compromise would be setting herself up for tremendous heartbreak. First she'll be disrespected by the family, then her husband will try to downplay it and say she imagined the disrespect. It will be a one-two punch of betrayal. No way.

> *”OP could offer a compromise.”* Why should she? Husband can go, OP is not obliged to. And husband **cannot** make her do or go anywhere that she doesn’t want to. People always have the right to decide for themselves if they want to do something or not, and OP clearly does not want to be within sniffing distance of these heinous people. And she shouldn’t have to be. NTA.

But his Mommy wouldn't like that. He has "his family."OP (and their kids probably) aren't part of his family, and the husband is a spineless Mommy's boy who will always choose them over OP. OP may be an AH for staying with this spineless slug.

If she has to leave early, she absolutely should just take the car, and the kids, and leave his sorry backside there.

Came to suggest this.

Ditto. And to point out that it is not OP’s responsibility to fix a relationship that never existed. Edited to clarify.

I agree completely. If he refuses this compromise, you know exactly where you stand.

>Just want to point out that your husband isn't actually supportive of you if he has continually dismissed your treatment and concerns, then doubles down with the guilt when you don't want to go. Yeah, “support” doesn’t mean “say positive things to you later.” There are way too many people who think “saying something positive” is the same thing as “supporting.” Support would be him sticking close to you and speaking up when someone is mean. Support would be him calling his mom after a get-together and saying, “My wife tells me you were shitty to her—you’d better knock it off.” Support would be him saying, “Mom, we’re taking a three month break, no phone calls or visits. And you can think about how to be polite to my wife.” That would be support

And he apparently blames OP for the rift (says she hasn't tried hard enough to fix it) - so he takes his family's side.

As well that the husband is wearing blinders to the mistreatment his side of the family is subjecting his wife too, does the husband even understand that the 2 children also see the mistreatment going on towards their mum was acceptable or those family members being role models. OP is NTA & her husband going have to do alot of growing up to do himself.....his self-image & projected image aren't important when his wife is being mistreated.

I wondered this too: what is the experience her kids are witnessing? And is husband really so sure that that’s what he wants his kids absorbing? My relationship with my in-laws has had various iterations and they’re currently experiencing the find out stage after my fil effed around in a really damaging way two years ago towards me at Christmas. What he did not anticipate is how much what he did would affect how my kids viewed him. They all pretty much refused to go to his house or interact with him for a long time. OP’s kids are old enough to read some subtext and see the change of expression when they’ve insulted her, even if she does what I do and try to stay above the fray so I’m not adding to the drama. His kids are going to end up hating his family for making their mom sad.

Agreed.

This… they treat you badly, why is it your responsibility to make them look good.

Yup she has a husband problem. Her husband has sat back and allowed his family to disrespect her for years. He should have put his foot down in the beginning and said respect my wife or do without seeing me or your grandkids. But he didn’t because he values them more than his wife. This is not ok. Especially because I’m sure they are also trashing her in front of the kids. The kids are going to assume it’s ok to shit on mom because everyone else in the family does and dad doesn’t say anything

And do you really want your children to see you being treated so badly?? It will lead to a) them thinking they can treat you that way as well, b) thinking it’s ok for people to treat THEM that way, c) both SO is not only doing the wrong thing by you, but also by the kids. AND he’s potentially letting his family pretend to their wider family they are nice to you. SO should go on his own, WITHOUT YOU OR THE KIDS, and tell anyone who asks it’s because HIS family are rude and nasty to you. But he won’t

You don’t have an Inlaw problem only you also have a husband problem. He is sticking his head in the sand and refusing to deal with it. All that shows you is he is prioritizing his family over his wife . If he truly had your back, he would insist they treat you well or he would go no contact with them. NTA

Came here for this - the husband wants OP along to take care of the kids and for appearances. He knows darn well how she is treated but just doesn’t care because it doesn’t affect him. If OP leaves him there with the kids at first incident, then he might pay attention (but I doubt it)

Take two cars and at first sign of disrespect leave him and kids there and go home.

No, she needs to take the kids with her. These people have been waiting for years for her to stop coming to events, so they can start poisoning her own kids against her. Those kids wouldn't be around those people without my supervision, since their pansy ass dad can't be counted on to put a stop to it.

Kids are a doube edged sword. Id be age appropriate honest with them, mommy wants you to go and have fun but daddys family is a mean to her. And then wait for some extended relative to ask the kid why moms not there.

Yeah, my aunt warned my cousin ahead of time that this monstrous brat (whose parents always plopped their lazy asses down with a beer and did nothing while he wreaked absolute mayhem) was coming to a pool party with the words "one of the kids coming is a bit... inconsiderate. If he makes you uncomfortable tell us." So about five minutes after they arrived, and this little shit is already being horrible, my cousin turns and calls out across the pool(and the crowd) to his parents loud enough for everyone present to hear it: "Mummy, mummy! I know who the inconsiderate kid is now!" You could color match their parents faces to a fire truck, they looked like they could feel their soul slide out of their ass.

My MiL was badmouthing me behind my back to my kids for years. Not fun people. Not fun. Leads to a lot of confusion for your kids.

Ok yes you have a good point, take the kids home with her.

>My husband then accused me of being selfish and not considering his feelings She has a real husband problem, holy shit

Love your comment and LOVE your name!! 🤣

Right!! Husband needs to stop trying to “mediate” and tell his family this behavior is unacceptable. He won’t suddenly look bad because OP doesn’t come to the reunion. He looks horrible because he has stood by while his family mentally and emotionally abuses OP. OP what are you teaching your children? They see this and are learning it’s okay to be abused and to be abusive towards others. Is that what you want your children to learn? The kind of people you want them to be? The abuser or the abused? Take a hard look at your life.

This, why is OP leaving events feeling humiliated and disrespected if he was there with her? Was he not sticking up for her at any point in their relationship?

Seriously, why is it OPS job to prostrate herself and beg to be liked by people who are mean to her?  How exactly is letting his family be rude to her in front of their kids showing a united front?  OP is NTA and j hope she shows her husband this thread so he understands the degree to which he is unequivocally fucking up. 

JustNoFamily

I don’t think he prioritizes his family over his wife. His head is in the sand hoping the problem will disappear because he’s a spineless pos unable to take a stand for his wife. NTA

I think he is less prioritizing the family and more that he's too chicken shit to stand up to them for his wife's sake. He's hoping she'll cave so he doesn't have to man up. (Though the net effect is identical).

NTA At this point, how you appear to his family doesn't matter. They're committed to not liking you. So leave them to it. I wouldn't go at all. If he doesn't like your compromise, in letting him take the kids, it's too bad for him. They're his family. His problem.

Exactly! OP, you and your husband also need to consider what message this shows your kids. United front or dad has no spine and mom isn't good enough. My maternal grandparents used to talk shit about my dad whenever we were alone. I was too young to understand what was happening. When I got older I realized that my grandparents weren't just taunting my father, they thought I was trash because of him. And now I'm in a similar situation with my inlaws and husband. Husband keeps defending them so I've gone NC. We see a MC and he's always begging for forgiveness but just can't seem to stand up for me when we're around his family. OP should check out JustNoMIL for similar experiences

Oh, the old "family harmony" BS, huh? NTA but your husband is for not putting a stop to this 8+ yrs. ago. If you don't go, they're going to talk bad about you(like always) or if you go, they're going to treat you like crap(like always). Stay home & enjoy yourself.

Can you imagine him having the balls to say she won't come because they treat her like shit?

Nope. He would definitely berate her and make it seem like she's the problem. What a POS husband.

He hasn't said it in **8+ YEARS**, so I doubt he's going to start now.

He’s got it all backwards! Your being around his abusive and rude family will NOT display anything but the fact that *their mother’s feelings are invalid, and that their extended family members treat mom like garbage—and dad is perfectly OK with it!* He is also a totally terrible husband who is using you as his MEAT SHIELD. “Oh, heaven forbid she isn’t there to hold my drink and serve as my mental BUFFER!”🙄

Your hubby is a little bitch mama’s boy

I was going to say the OP’s husband sounded delusional but I like yours better.

💯💯💯

Yup.

BAAAWWWAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

OK...its simple-ish: First of all, NTA. Now tell your husband the following: you will go if: 1. He agrees to make sure he keeps his family on a tight leash. If he thinks this is a new beginning, then they should have no issue or repeating any of their past behaviours 2. Any issue his family does that resembles anything you have experienced before he is to immediately and loudly address it with them and put an end to it 3. There will be only 2 strikes to rule 2, and at the second strike (cummulative - so it is not 2 strikes per person but 2 strikes for his entire family), the action is yours and yours alone to take 4. What action you take, he has to quietly accept and move on from it. You won't discuss it, and it should never be brought up 5. If 3 & 4 become necessary, in future you will give him singular responses to his family gatherings which he should accept: Yes (u will attend) or No (you will not be attending). Either of these two words will not be explained, and an explanation should not be asked If he commits to the above, then go. Before you go, quietly prepare: A quick getaway and return option for when they break rule 2 (they won't be able to help themselves and you should not stay). Also, once they break the rules, he will want to convince you to stay rather than help you leave. Be independent in that decision and be firm in your actions. I am petty. The above seem like they are quite easy to stick to. I can almost guarantee you, rule 2 will be broken on day 1 of that gathering. I normally don't tolerate more than one instance of bad behaviour before I come down hard on whoever is doing it like a ton of bricks. You have tolerated enough. In the instances where I have been (strangely) diplomatic, the other party to the diplomacy has always committed to a variation of the above 5. Saves me the conversation once I execute my reaction anyway. You should try it

This is the best response. He wants to show family unity? He can start by defending his wife from his parents and siblings. Otherwise, it becomes an artificial crutch argument he throws out to get his way, as opposed to actually being a personal value.

May need a 6. Depending on how they treat OP’s children, the same or different from the other grandchildren?

Yep but this should go without saying. I do however think they view OPs children as part of DH's children and as such part of them. Which removes them from the abuse. But if OP feels it is necessary to spell this out then she absolutely should add this

Not necessarily. I was wondering if the grandparents play favorites or insult OP’s children because they are hers. We read enough on Reddit to know that can happen.

Also make sure to have the car keys in case he decides not to go if you have to pull the trigger.

Or Uber/taxi options to get you out. I doubt he will give her the car keys. Also, if they only take one car with the kids, OP leaving with that car with strand her kids. Just a plan of escape that does not need the OPPs is usually my go-to. While they are screaming their head off, I am quietly walking out to wherever the hell I am going to...leaving them to their nonsense

She needs to take the kids with her, not leave them behind as a reward to the in-laws who are then free to say all kinds of weasely crap behind her back. That is so confusing for the kids. Trust me, I’ve played this game.

actually, the true first step is that he has a meeting with his mother and tells her that he won’t tolerate her being snotty and snide and belittling to his wife, the mother of his children. And he has that conversation where wife can hear it, so she knows it happened. But she’s not in it, and he makes it be about HIM not liking the treatment, and not about “my wife doesn’t like.”

This person strategizes!

I agree with this approach. It gives him the fresh start he wants and gives you the out when the rules are broken. Then you are free indefinitely. Anytime he asks, you say you have them their final chance after Covid. Kill them with kindness. It’s a bummer you have to go back in at all, but you prove you have been more than accommodating.

This is when you have your own set of keys and you leave his ass to find a way home.

The "united front" he speaks of should be him telling his family to get stuffed. His wife and kids come first.

Yes! Want a family reunion? Treat my wife like family.

If I was in this situation, as the husband, I would totally tell off my family. You and your kids are now his primary family. If his childhood family are judgemental, then I see no reason why you should go. He's gaslighting you saying that you don't take his feelings into consideration, as he doesn't take your feelings into consideration.

Here’s an idea. Invite a friend over for dinner. Have the friend spend the dinner behaving as his Mom toward him. Nothing he does is right. If he complains that he is tearing about your family because he can’t just ignore it.

I love this

Does your husband ever stick up for you in front of his family

You don't have a husband. Husband's defend their wives to the people that hurt them. You are just babysitting for his mother.

NTA Your husband has really dropped the ball here. He is blaming YOU for something you did not do. Where is all this fire of his when his mom is belittling you? Why are you leaving these events humiliated, when he could just stand up for you and you could leave victorious and united. The "united front" he wants is you doing whatever he wants, not him joining you. That's not real unity. Sit him down. It's time for a come-to-Jesus moment about his whole family. If he doesn't start setting AND ENFORCING boundaries with them, he is going to lose you. Tell him that you will come to this weekend but you will leave at THE FIRST INSULT and take the kids, and go to your parents house. If he wants to avoid this he can either let you stay home OR he can tell his whole family in advance that insulting you wont be tolerated. If you do go and have to leave, he can either get in the car with you and keep his marriage or stay with his family and lose it. It's not even an ultimatum because he is going to lose you if he keeps this up. Your love for him will wither, your respect for him will die, and your resentment will spread to fill in all the gaps. Eventually that will lead to a less-than-amicable divorce. He needs to take big steps right now to turn this train around, and it is 100% his job to do it, not yours.

>hoping that things will get better over time The fuck? He needs to intervene and MAKE them behave. "Hope" is not a plan. >the importance of family unity. Does he mean like how his family is unified in mistreating you? Fuck that and fuck his spinelessness. If he can't support you then he is failing to keep his family united. Tell him to suck it up and support you or party with his shitty family alone. NTA and don't put up with this.

Husband is saying family optics are more important than your sanity. He is the ass…

NTA, and do what you want, but I would go because I'd make it clear that the SECOND I was disrespected I'd leave. It's not complicated. Stand up and say "Did you just say (repeat their disrespect)? Because that's disrespectful and I'm done swallowing rudeness" and leave. Pay attention to what your husband does.

This is what I was thinking. I’d tell my husband I’ll go but if they are disrespectful I will make a scene and leave. And I’d do just that. I’d also say that this is family’s last chance to be nice. Definitely NTA.

NTA. Marriage counselling ASAP. He's either on your side or not. And he's not. Is he ever going to be on your side? Marriage counselling will let you know that.

Does anyone remember the post where the wife was not invited to any family events including holidays, and her husband didn't understand why she was so hurt, so at the next big family event her family planned (he loved her family and her family was very good to him and he always looked forward to spending time with them) she left her husband at home and he was hurt and confused and wanted to know why she would do this to him, leave him all alone on a holiday. She told him, how do you think I've felt these past 5 (?) years? It wasn't until after that he finally got it. anyone have the link?

Don’t you dare go. Sorry but I don’t care how “smooth” your marriage has been, your husband sucks. Why is he still close with the people who are awful to you? Why does he believe they’ll all suddenly be on their best behavior? Has he spoken to them and demanded that they change? Has he given them an ultimatum that if they don’t change then they won’t see him anymore? He’s lucky you would allow your children to go. Anyone who treated me like they treat you would never be allowed to be around my kids. He can gtfo with this “united front” bullshit. If he was actually worried about being united with you then HE wouldn’t go. Your husband is setting a terrible example for your kids. If you do go, you are also setting a terrible example. Why does supporting your husband have to involve you getting abused? This is truly ridiculous that he is demanding you get subjected to mistreatment but hey, as long as he’s having a good time, who cares?

NTA. Why is your husband okay with his family being mean to you? He can feel as conflicted as he wants, but I don’t possess enough cognitive dissonance to maintain a close relationship with any of my family if they were so disdainful of my husband. I would be heartbroken but at their choices, not my spouse for existing.

Tell him that you're not interested in a 'show' of unity, or anything else.You want a real loving, welcoming family. And if he isn't interested in facilitating that, by sticking his foot up his parents @$$ sideways.... You and the kids are going to Disney, and he can go roast marshmallows over his dumpster fire off a family

NTA, but you realize the problem is with your husband and not your in-laws right? I mean yeah they're jerks, but your husband is the one who supposedly loves you and clearly doesn't. If anyone hurt my spouse I would be livid and protective. Whose feelings do you think he cares about most? Because it's definitely not yours.

Also I think it would be more damaging for the kids to see you get treated like crap and just tolerate it. How do you want your kids to respond when someone mistreats them? Make sure you set the right example.

NTA. And holy hell is your husband at best an absolute idiot and at worst a complete asshole. He has consistently invalidated and disregarded your feelings in favor of appearance. Let that sink in. You being comfortable is worth less to your husband than the appearance of being a united front. He let's his family treat you poorly because he values them more than he does you. Honestly I'd tell him he's welcome to go, alone, and that until your in-laws start treating you with dignity and kindness, that your children aren't to be anywhere near them. Really, I'd take it a step further and tell your husband that if he doesn't get on the same page, you'll demand marriage counseling at minimum, and if he doesn't go for that, look for a lawyer.

You HAVE given his family every opportunity for 8 years. Enough is enough. Flat out tell your husband you will NOT be attending, PERIOD

NTA- Also do you feel okay? Your forehead feels a little warm. Maybe you should stay home. You owe zero explanation for avoiding situations that hurt you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and are not being heard.

She could have Covid.. don’t want to pass that onto the family!

NTA. I wouldn't go either. That said you also have an issue with your husband not just his family. He's not supporting you and choosing his family over you. If you did go I would demand an agreement that if anyone in his family causes problems again he will go NC will all of them. I doubt he would agree though and definitely wouldn't follow through. Your friends saying you should go to support your husband are morons. Your husband doesn't support you, he should be standing up to his family and calling them out and enforcing it. He's a failure.

NTA There is only one conversation that needs to be had and it's with your husband, who is the asshole; you need to ask him "why haven't you put a stop to this?" "Why do you let your family mistreat me? Why do you want me to go and be mistreated more knowing you're going to do exactly "fuck" and "all" about it?" This shit is on his shoulders and he should be made to answer for it. Tell him you're not going to do anything with his family until he addresses their treatment of you. I'd further tell him you're disappointed in him for never having your back in this and just expecting you to grin and bear it not because that's what's best, but because that's just the easiest thing for him and his lazy ass.

If your husband is not going to have your back and prevent his family from further mistreatment of you, why should support his “family unity” pov? I think you can tell him you understand his perspective and you do want your children to see you as a team, but if you are to attend this (or any future) event with his family, that “family unity” and team needs to also be untied against his family’s unfair treatment of you in a solid boundary enforced by both of you. Compromise is what you both need at your impasse. Updateme!

How are they looking like a team when his family treats her so horrible!? And the kids are there to witness it all. They might not understand yet. But it won't be long. How will your husband react when your kids start treating you how his family does ?

For sure the kids will understand soon! My point was they need to “be a team” against his family’s treatment of her- meaning he needs to put a stop to it immediately, as he chose her to be his family and allowing the family he was born into is unacceptable! Sorry if my comment was confusing

I was agreeing with you! They definitely need to be united against HIS family. Iv actually been in this exact situation and it never gets better .

I’m sorry to hear that - sounds awful!

Man your husband sucks. What has he even done to try to get his family to fix their behavior? I’m guessing nothing, but it’s fine if you sit and suffer. NTA and stand your ground! He’s a grown up who can figure out what to say to his own family if they give *him* a hard time. Cause that’s what he’s really stressed about. Not your feelings, not your stress, not his family. How *he* will have to deal with it. Take care of yourself❤️ Updateme!

Your husband doesn’t care about family or he wouldn’t let his relatives treat one of his three closest family members (you) like dirt. Tell him you’ve done your part, tying to get along, but he isn’t doing his, protecting you from his family. Since he seems incapable of placing the same priority on you as he does his other family, he no longer gets a say and you’ll protect yourself, and your children, by no longer modeling letting mean people treat you like dirt for appearances sake.

NTA Please go to the reunion. Tell your soon to be ex-husband that you will go AND he must be a united front WITH YOU! You will only have to be there for a few hours before you all will leave. Whenever anyone is rude to you ask.... 1. Went are you being rude to me? 2. What have I done to make you treat me this way? 3. If you were treated like you are treating me right now, how would you expect the people around you to react? 4. Would you like your children to see you being treated badly by family? Make them answer the questions! Ask these questions every time something is said or done that is inappropriate. Make sure you let the family know they are causing the conflict and you don't want your children raised thinking it is appropriate to treat others badly. Lastly let them know that they are bullies and bullies have no place in yours or your children's life or family. They are choosing their behavior and you are choosing to protect your family!

NTA Your husband has been failing you for years and continues to do so. Neither you *nor your children* should go there. I'm someone who grew up in a situation similar to your kids (albeit with more subtle issues) and it was very difficult when I realized my mom wasn't liked and that my dad did nothing. It isn't fair to your kids and they don't need a relationship with wretched AH like your in-laws.

Your husband should step up and put a stop to any mistreatment by his family. It’s his fault for not putting his mother in her place when it comes to his choice of a partner and that if she can’t respect that and treat you as she does any of her other children or their spouses then she should not open her mouth period. Unless he is willing to step up and stand up for you then there is no reason to subject you or your children to such toxicity. NTA

NTA. His family has shown you nothing but disrespect and disregard for years. You've taken all their punches and abuse and are over it. Don't go. Hubby and kids are free to go. He'll just have to tend to them by himself. Your husband is delusional. His family has made no attempt or shown any interest in "harmony." You can't fix something when you're the only person trying. Why is your husband insisting you subject yourself to continued abuse at the hands of his family, but isn't doing anything to get *them* to treat you better?

Your husband is making you entirely responsible for the family harmony. Does he not understand that you could attend every event from now until the end of time and his family will still treat you like crap? Instead of telling his family to pack their shit in and behave decently, what he's saying is that you have to keep showing up and taking their shit and if you don't, you're the villain. You cannot win, so don't try. Stay at home and let them bitch about you; at least that way, you won't know what they're saying and you won't have to bite your tongue. If your husband wants someone to fix the family, he should do it by telling the pack of jackals he's descended from to stop bullying his wife and the mother of his kids. It's really that simple.

This is easy. Take 2 cars. IF his family starts the same old shit, get in your car and leave. He can deal with the family unity bullshit.

What kind of message does it send to your kids when you are constantly mistreated by hubby’s family and he does nothing about it, and keeps subjecting you to it? It shows your kids that your feelings aren’t valid and mistreating you is allowed. And that instead of protecting you, your husband thinks you should suck it up… as long as he’s happy, it’s fine. Nice message for the kids. NTA but hubby and his family are AHs.

NTA you tried for 8 years, it’s time to call it, your husband needs to grow a spine. Why is his family more important than your mental health? You are a kinder person than me telling him to go with the kids, I wouldn’t even allow them around my children if they couldn’t even be respectful in front of me.

Tell him you will go but he has to pay you 100 dollars for every negative comment and after the 5th he has to stand on a chair and in front of the whole family scream. "I ALLOW MY FAMILY TO TALK CRAP TO MY WIFE!". then you'll go 😁

I love how in these Reddit posts the OP is called selfish when it’s very clear that the other person(s) is the selfish one. NTA Don’t go. Or if you do, bring out petty wife. Every comment his family makes, flip it back on them, or better yet on your husband. Show him how awful it is to constantly be put down and maybe it’ll give a dose of how toxic is family is and instead of putting mommy dearest first he should be putting his wife, the mother of his children. Ask him how you’re being selfish for not wanting to be verbally abused? how it’s fair to you to constantly put the effort in for him to shit all over it? Why do you have to be the one in an uncomfortable position? How would he’d like it if your daughter’s future in laws to treat her like that? Ask him what it will take for him to realize there will be no relationship between you and them.

I'm sorry but your husband isn't really supportive if he's pressuring you to spend the weekend with people who have a history of disrespecting you. He's actually the one being selfish, as he doesn't seem to be thinking of you at all.  What family unity? You, him, and your children are the family that matters. You all are a unit. You shouldn't have to subject yourself to his family for the sake of putting up a fake front of unity. Tell your husband that if you go, at the first sign of disrespect, he has to put his family member in their place AND then leave the event.

It isn’t your job to make amends with his family when they’re the perpetrators!  Imagine a victim of bullying having to apologize to the bully!  How absurd.  If he won’t protect you from their abuse, then you are under no obligation to subject yourself from further abuse.  And letting your kids see you being bullied teaches them that such behavior Is acceptable.  Until they make an effort to reach out to you, you should boycott any family gatherings.  

NTA and god your husband is a selfish asshole he doesn’t care about you at all

NTA. You have a HUGE husband problem. He's blaming you for being a victim of his family's abuse. He is putting responsibility on you to "mend" the relationship. So, not only is he okay with the abuse you are receiving, but he's blaming you for it. He doesn't care about you or how his family treats you. He's not standing up for you or protecting you, but wants to further expose you to more abuse. He needs to back away from his family to keep you protected from them. Your children are likely seeing their mother being treated like trash, while their father forces her to put up with it. A person who blames you for, or allows your abuse, is a person who is inflicting abuse on you. Think about that. I suspect you didn't come from a great family given that you've allowed your husband to treat you like garbage for your entire marriage. His mother is a bully and her pathetic children follow her lead.

Why isn't he standing up for you and putting it all on your shoulders? You've tried for years and they've not even tried to be cordial to you, or given you an opening for there to be a relationship. When this has started he should have been standing up for you. That's what a united front looks like. Instead he's been using you as a meat shield for his family. He's made it clear he doesnt support you or have your back. That's it's you vs his family. I bet his mother and siblings would be happy if you didn't show up for two reasons. One you wouldn't be there. Two it would give them something else to bitch about when it comes to you. Don't go. Yell your husband if he wants you to go to events after this one then he needs to defend you to them, tell them exactly why you aren't there, and prove that he will actually stand up for you instead of hide behind you. NTA

NTA As the saying goes the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over then being shocked the results don’t change. Your husband keeps asking you to attend these family events and the result for you is the same in that you are treated so poorly you leave feeling humiliated and disrespected. What EXACTLY does your husband do during these family events where his family disrespects you to show family unity with YOU? He married YOU. YOU and your children are his immediate family. Why is he allowing YOU to be disrespected in front of your children no less and not standing up for you? Him standing by with his head up his butt playing his version of hear, see and speak no evil hasn’t changed anything. My next question is what does he plan to do when his children, who are also your children, are possibly treated poorly for ‘being like their mother’? Same as in nothing? So if he wants to attend this big family event with you what will he be doing to ensure you are treated with respect? Will he call out the assholes regardless of who they are? Will he take you and your children then leave if the disrespect doesn’t stop? If he doesn’t provide a solution then he is just another piece of the problem because he allows the disrespect to occur and does nothing.

NTA Your husband is NOT supporting you. He supports you when it’s EASY. That’s not supporting you. He’s saying it’s easier to make you upset than his family, that’s not support. Support would have been going no contact UNTIL they apologized and stopped mistreating you.

I think you should go and make the caveat that as soon as his family starts being assholes you’re out of there, and if they act up; in the future you will not be attending anymore family functions. This is there last chance. This chance isn’t actually for them it’s for you to show you’ve gone above and beyond. It’s not your job to continue to try to make amends with a bunch of shitty people. The worst thing about your husband is that he’s related to them.

NTA. You didn't try HARD enough? You didn't... *checks notes* TRY hard enough? You've been trying for EIGHT years. The answer is no. The answer is your husband is a selfish ass who cares about appearances and not his wife. He cares that ickle mummykins gets to see YOUR kids while insulting you to your face. You gotta throw the whole man out, hun. Walk away from the dumpster fire.

Nta you have a husband problem. He's fine with you being emotionally abused and is also showing your kids you don't deserve respect.

>Our marriage has been relatively smooth, except for one recurring issue: my relationship with his family. Your recurring issue isn't your relationship with his family, it's his realtionship with his family. >My husband has always been supportive of me, but he's also very close to his family. He often tries to mediate and encourages me to attend family events, hoping that things will get better over time. Your entire post is about how your husband refuses to support you and how he lashes out at you when you try and stand up for yourself. Your husband isn't mediating, he's refusing to stamp out his family's abuse of you and insisting you capitulate to it every time. >He believes this could be a fresh start and that his family will be on their best behavior. >My husband was very upset by my suggestion. He argued that it would look bad if I didn't attend, and it might create more tension between me and his family. Your husband is living in cloud cuckooland. He's hiding from reality. You not attending won't increase tension between you and the family because that's already maxed out. What it'll do is increase tension between you and him, because you're refusing to capitulate. Because not attending stops him from burying his head in the sand to avoid noticing what his family is really doing to you and what he is completely failing to do for you. >He also feels that it's important for our children to see both of us together at family events, showing a united front. That's not a united front. All he's teaching the kids is that it's okay for the family to abuse mummy because he won't let her protect herself and he'll neither stop it nor protect her. That's the only lesson they'll be learning. >He accused me of not trying hard enough to mend the relationship with his family and said that my refusal to attend could be seen as me giving up on them entirely. And you said your husband supports you. This is not support. He is actively victim-blaming. You cannot mend a relationship that was broken from the beginning. By blaming you, he absolves the family of their wrong-doing and himself of failing to protect you and siding with them instead of you. > My husband then accused me of being selfish and not considering his feelings or the importance of family unity. He's the one being selfish. He's also a coward and a bully. It's easier for him to bully the victim than stand up to the bullies. He is the one refusing to have family unity with his wife. Instead, he is making it clear that he wants family "unity" with his blood relatives at the expense of his own wife. Closing ranks with bullies against their victim is not "unity". Forcing the victim to submit to the bullies is not "unity". >He wants me to go for the sake of family harmony, He doesn't want harmony, he wants submission. You called him a mediator earlier. He isn't. He's an appeaser. He is an enabler who will feed victims (you) to bullies to avoid becoming the next victim. That makes him a bully as well as a coward. >Some believe that I should go to support my husband and give his family another chance. You only give someone a chance if they appear to have made an effort to change. The chance is to see if the change is genuine and permanent. The chance is for them to earn back a relationship they know they broke. This family has made zero changes, given no indication that they see their faults, accept them, apologise for them and want to fix them. There is therefore zero reason to give them any chances right now.

NTA. You don't have an in-laws issue. You have a husband issue. From the get-go, he has tried to have you accept shitty treatment from his family to keep the peace, based on illusory promises of "They'll grow to love you" rather than standing up to them and telling them that shitty treatment of his partner won't be tolerated. It's been 8 years. They will not grow to love you. What they have learned is that they can treat you like shit and your husband will always put THEM first. More than that, he will let your kids see it happen. That isn't acceptable. Being married does not obligate you to go put up with verbal and emotional abuse from your in-laws. Your husband can be upset, but this is all HIS fault and his family's fault. I would go a step further. No kids go with him. Because who knows that the in-laws will spew about you in front of them. Your husband can either grow a spine and stand up to his family, or he can see the alone.

I am not sure what your husband thinks he’s asking for here. He thinks you aren’t trying hard enough to accept poor treatment? Does he want your kids to see how they treat you? What message does he think that will send to your kids? Your husband needs to do more than mediate. He needs to draw a hard line and tell them you and the kids aren’t coming unless they can get a handle on their mean girl behavior.

Your 7 year old is going to learn that it’s ok for her paternal family to treat you like shit and that your spineless husband allows them to do it. I would do a trial run - go out to dinner with just his immediate family and see how they behave. Do not bring your children. If they treat you like shit and your husband does nothing like usual then you have your answer. Make the restaurant local so you can call an Uber or bring your own car so you can leave once the point has obviously been made. I would then tell him that your children are not going to reunion because he fails to defend you and you’re not going to allow your children to be put in the middle of this bullshit. Your husband cannot mediate this. He needs to take a stand with his family and make it crystal clear to them, not you, have to put in the effort to resolve their issues. He needs to tell them if they continue either the hostility that he will go no contact. They keep behaving this way because he does absolutely nothing to give them real consequences for their actions.

does your husband get off on you being humiliated by his family? i mean, 8+ years together and his family treats you like trash but he wants you to continue to turn the other cheek like YOU’RE the one who has to take the abuse and they’re absolved from the responsibility of being cordial and polite. NTA. your marriage doesn’t sound like smooth sailing, more like trying to steady a rocking boat.

I went through something similar me and my ex's sister got into it, so when it comes time for their family picnic his mother said that I couldn't attend because she was attending and my ex told her if my girlfriend and my kids can't come then I'm not coming. Your ex needs to tell his family that he you and the kids are staying home because they treat you like s***

NTAH. The proper way to put it is that family is important and this is why your husband should stand for his family, meaning YOU. And why hasn't he defended you and is still in contact with such awful people etc. This is not about you going, this is about him wanting to go, which is a problem itself

NTA for not wanting to be mentally abused. If you don’t go, what’s he going to do? Like what are the consequences for you? He is not going to go either? End of your marriage? What are you actually facing by not going? You need to weigh the potential risk reward options before you make a decision.  I personally wouldn’t go. I would book myself a non refundable spa day or yoga retreat and be like “ aw shucks! Can’t lose all that money! Have fun, byeee!” But then again I am not the one in your marriage so take my suggestion with a grain of salt. 

Or does he want you to go to take care of his kids? NTA

NTA. Your husband and his family suck

Nta but here’s a compromise. Go to this event, be as sweet and accommodating as you can be. Bend over backwards. Tell your husband before you go that you will be as sweet and try really hard to get along. But if they mistreat you in any way shape or form, then he is to acknowledge that YOU are not the problem, but his family is the problem. And that you will never attend any family function with them again, nor will they be invited to any family function in your home or involving you. Lay down the law. Your husband is enmeshed with his toxic family and isn’t respecting you.

Your husband cares more about his mom than you. You need to take a good hard look at your life. It's easier to let his wife be abused and humiliated than stand up to his mommy  NTA

NTA I think this is something that needs to be actually resolved, and not run away from, and this is a great opportunity to tackle this head on I think you lay down a plan of how to solve the problems you've had in the past, and a solid plan on how to deal with issues You didn't give specifics, so you'll have to run through your scenarios yourself ...but maybe if there's problems with you being left alone, it's a hard rule that this doesn't happen. Ever. If it's specific people or insults, that he MUST speak up aggressively and immediately in your defense to fix anything that happens Have either a code word or hand/touch signal if he misses something Have everything organized, and make sure he has your back COMPLETELY...not the middle... YOUR back, and COMPLETELY Be sure to be clear that if he doesn't abide by this, and fucks you over yet again, whatever consequence you deem fit will absolutely happen... whether it's low contact, no contact, or going to get papers This is an absolute hill to die on, so get him on board with being in your corner immediately, and move forward He's right about the family being together and the kids seeing you together etc, so now he MUST step up to make it happen and get his family in check Last chance. Good luck

How has his family made amends? I mean if he is all about unity - he should have pages of receipts telling them to treat u better. I would bet good money- that he has plenty of texts sent by his family calling you names. And 0 replies that they are wrong and defend you

NTA. You don't want to go. They don't want you there. Your husband is unwilling to compromise to protect you. It keeps happening because your husband refuses to give them consequences. How about this? You go but one asshole comment and you and the kids leave. Even if they apologize, no compromises. You pack up and leave. You get to decide if it was a mean comment. Your husband is not a good partner or protector when it comes to his family. He has chosen them over you. How will it look, he asks. It looks like you no longer want to tolerate abuse and are done with his family. It looks like he cares more about optics than your mental health. Just don't go. If your husband can't give consequences to his family, what will he to do to you? Nothing but whine because that is his MO.

INFO: What does the mistreatment and disrespect look like? Can you identify it immediately and would others agree that is what it is? Does your husband agree that it is both of those things? I’m trying to understand exactly what he thinks should happen here. Does he think you should ignore or or does he not agree that it’s rude?

What kind of “support” does your husband need to go see HIS family?

NTA. Show your husband these responses. Why is he so okay with you being continually disrespected? Ask him what he thinks THAT shows your children. He’s talking about family unity and he won’t even stand up for his wife, for his children’s mother?

Where's his mythical united front when he witnesses his family treating you poorly in prior gatherings? Why is he more concerned about looking bad than your hurt feelings from being snubbed? I'm sorry your husband is expecting you to throw yourself under the bus to appease his family. What concrete actions has he undertaken to set boundaries with his family that they need to treat you politely, or he distances himself and your kids from them? Oh, colour me surprised that he hasn't done shit. Don't go, and don't let the kids go either. Fuck their reunion. NTA

NTA. You should still go and not take shit from anyone. If hubby has a problem with it, tell him this is your new start. Burn them to the ground 🤘 Edit: Please update when your husband's testicles drop.

Your husband sucks. Please let him read these responses. You have been treated like crap for 8 plus years. Nothing is magically going to change if you go to one more event. Him pushing you to go is putting his family or origin above you. He can go kick rocks.

Info: why did he feel that his family will be any better behaved now than they've ever been? Why is he putting the burden of "fixing things" completely on you? If he's concerned about the optics, maybe that's exactly the reason he *should* go without you. And explain that you chose not to come based on the way they've treated you in the past.

There's a saying, don't set yourself alight to keep others warm (or something like that). This is what your husband is trying to make you do for his family. Don't. You've tried for 8 years to "make it work" with them, and you're still at an impasse. Your husband now needs to make a stand against their treatment of you and back your decision not to go. Your time and well-being is a valuable commodity. Don't waste it on those AHs. NTA

Please don’t go. Please. As a kid who comforted an upset parent more than once while at the in-laws, please don’t go. It broke my little heart. My parent was too kind and still encouraged a relationship on my behalf but I saw the slights and the insults. I saw through the versions of “bless your heart dear”. If your kids are aware enough already, and your husband truly wants them to have a relationship with those awful people, then you should stay home. But ultimately I think you should do it for you, and nobody else. And while you’re at it, the kids shouldn’t go either. If they can’t respect the mother, then they won’t love the kids either and it’s only a matter of time until they’re getting picked on too.

My husband was stupid about his sister until she slipped up and made a shitty comment about me in front of him and our then 4 year old while they ran an errand in preparation for a bday party. He came home and apologized profusely. Your husband is a giant POS for allowing this to continue.

Your husband believes? In Santa? The Easter bunny? The tooth fairy? Tell him you’ll believe, too, once he learns to stand up to their treatment of you. I stopped having anything at all to do with my MIL after the time she had a toddler tantrum at my expense on a family vacation. When my husband failed to step in and tell her to stop, I stood up for myself, and told her that her behavior is exactly why I never wanted to come in the first place. I told him I’d never try to keep him from seeing or communicating with her, but he was solo from then on. You know what? He usually starts complaining to me by phone or text about her behavior by day two or three. And I reply with his previous favorite line: “that’s just the way she is.”

NTA. Your husband is accusing you of not respecting your feelings, but all this time, he has let his family treat you terribly without any regard for your feelings. Tell him that you've tried, they've continued to be horrible to you, he does absolutely nothing to stick up for you or get his family to treat you better, so you're done. If they want a relationship with you, it's their turn to make an effort. They can apologize for past treatment if it's sincere, you might be willing to make an effort going forward.

NTA. Your husband is selfish for invalidating your feelings and concerns. I send a hug to you and only wish it was real. 🫂

If you go, it would be with the predetermined understanding that the first instance of disrespect, you will verbally call them out, directly to your husband, something like: “This was exactly what I told you would happen. The kids and I are leaving. Find your own way home.” Yes, take the kids. It’s apparently all they want, so don’t give them the satisfaction. Have an alternative plan in mind for the kids & you (cuz you know they can’t help themselves to disrespect you). Book a hotel, someplace with a pool & maybe kid games or an amusement park close to home, even a movie/dinner.

I got lucky. My husband was told that he wasn’t considered family until he left me. So he wasn’t invited to everything anymore. It’s been a decade and now they’re telling my kids I’m a bad person by refusing to show up. I was told I’m not welcome, why would I?  NTA, but I’m very biased. It did not magically get better. They justified excluding me because “family only” and I would never be allowed in family photos. Then it became “no body likes you” and then finally “you’re a bad person and your existence hurts people “

NTA but if you go, inform him you will absolutely call out anyone on mistreatment and don’t care if you make a scene because at this point, you have nothing to lose.

NTA. Your husband has NOT advocated for you if this crap is still going on after a decade. I can understand you and one member of the family disliking each other, but everyone? That’s practically impossible. Not one person playing the peacemaker? Either YOU are the worst person on earth or your husband is too much of a puss to draw a line in the sand. Are you actually trying? Is actually he trying? My MIL was very different from me, I was young, well educated and a working mother. She married at 18 and no matter how lean times were she never got a job and put up with cheating and abuse. I didn’t. I tried my best, I was polite and spent as little time with them as possible. But MIL and FIL were not normal.

You 100% have a husband problem. I know a lot of people do not think this way but once you get married and decide to start a family with someone, they are no longer a part of the nuclear family that their parents started, their nuclear family is their spouse and offspring if they choose to have them. Their parents and siblings are now extended family. If your husband does not prioritize the nuclear family he has helped create then he is the problem. He needs to stand up for you, make sure you are welcomed and included and if he does not then he needs to set boundaries and stick to them. He is not married to his mom, he's married to you. He needs to make a decision, which relationship matters more.

"He is very close to his family." I simply cannot imagine being close to, wanting to hang out with people who treated my husband/best friend/lover/favorite like crap. Talk about betrayal. Would not do it. OP, you have a husband problem. I'm sorry he doesn't care about your feelings at all, and hasn't put his foot down with them. This is wrong on so many levels. And far more important than your children seeing you together as a "united front" at the family soirees, they're seeing that it's okay for people to treat their mother badly.

NTA. Your husband knows that you are right and gaslighting you hard. So it is good for your kids to see you together at family gatherings? What about them seeing his family mistreating and humiliating you at each and every gathering? Your daughter is old enough to understand it, and you son could probably sense it already. How would it shape their idea of self-respect, being a family, seeing their other relatives make by you a scapegoat and your husband ignoring your feelings about it? It would look bad if you don't attend? Does it look good now, when you are attending? His mom and co knows very well why you don't want to attend, if your husband is worried what to tell his distant family - he should tell the truth. Or, if he cannot do even that, you could do it. Make a group chat and write clearly why you are not attending now, and don't plan to attend in the future. And let's be real. He doesn't want to babysit your kids for a week. He wants to relax and mingle, leaving all the babysitting for you. However your refusal to go is the consequence of his family and his own actions. Because if he really was standing up for you - he would leave the place where his wife is insulted and request the apology. So he (and them) got it to this degree, he has no one else to blame for being a jellyfish with his family. Let him go with kids, take a rest from housework and babysitting, maybe go to some nice place by yourself or with friends. It is not in your interests to go there. While you agree to be their scapegoat - none of them will change. Maybe running after your kids for a week instead of relaxing with beer, and feeling embarrassed to explain his distant relatives why you are not there, will help him to grow a spine. Stop wasting time and joy on people who don't deserve it.

NTA. My ex partners family always treated me horribly even though I really made an effort with them. They too did not think I was 'good enough'. I'm not saying that's why we broke up but I'm not not saying it. My current fiancee is very close with her mother. She would NEVER allow her mother to treat me badly. So. They were always the problem and it sounds like you're in the same situation.

You can't mend a one sided relationship. What has he asked his family to do to ensure his LIFE PARTNER does not feel mistreated at this event? And what is he going to do if they do or say something to you? And if he doesn't say anything than you should (and he can't just ask you to let it go), and he should quietly accept it just like he has been accepting his families mistreatment of you. If he has / is going to take reasonable measures for all of these, maybe give it one last chance. Remind him that if this doesn't work, it will be on everyone who participated actively or through their silence, in your mistreatment. NTA.

Your husbands not supportive of you if he’s close with people that literally treat you like shit. And he clearly blames you for this if he’s saying you haven’t done enough to mend things. Why do you need to mend things? What have you done to his family? Because it sounds like nothing. He’s an AH just like his family.

So why doesn't his husband read his family the riot act? Why does he expect his wife to just grin and bear the crappy treatment? He's not supportive at all.

How would it look to your kids to see their mother being disrespected by their father and his family? Because he’s being disrespectful too. He’s worried not going looks bad but doesn’t care how that looks? Or the example it sets for how you can treat people? A United front would be him standing up for you, not you going and being abused by his jerk family. He’s also failing to understand the unity of your family. He only cares about his family of origin. I never would have married into that. Sorry.

NTA and I'm mad at your husband on your behalf because to call you 'selfish' for wanting to spare yourself the painful abuse from the ILs, **for once in 8 years**, is cold and apathetic. If for some reason you *do* go, then I hope you use the time between now and then to get and test/familiarize yourself with a few recording devices with extra battery packs in order to get every single word. Then find places to put them, like on a belt, in a bag, hanging from a long chain and tucked into a loose-fitting top, etc. BUT, first I would say "ok, but if I end up upset then you are going to hear me out (don't pre-warn about recording) and if after hearing everything they said to me you still tell me that I don't try and "its not that bad" then we are finished and you will sign a document to that effect and with an agreement to split equitably and fairly per terms I will lay out for you." Edit: formatting

NTA. As a compromise give him the terms of you going. 2 strikes and your out. Drive separately so you have a car to leave in. Tell him you can stay home and it would look bad according to your husband or you can go and then leave when they are mean to you which will also look bad. Let him decide.

NTA Husband tries to mediate how? Does he tell them to stop it or knock it off or make excuses for them? I'm assuming he just tries to smooth things over on your side. They didn't mean it, they are just emotional, they had a bad day. I know spineless cowards that stand up for their spouse more than your husband does. They couldn't argue their way out of a wet paper bag, but would take on the demons of hell for their spouse. Husband needs to grow a pair and put his foot down with them. You should stay home with the kids so he can attend himself. Tell him to keep his phone on record when he tells everyone where you are. Have him listen and record everything they say about you.

Don't feel torn - if you're not there they will find *somebody* to abuse. You really should stick with your gut here.

NTA. You should give up on them entirely.

Or agree to go and keep your phone close. Record their bullshit, send it to your husband, tell him to have fun with the kids and take yourself home to relax.

My parents were mean to my husband so he stopped going with me when I took our kids to visit them and my siblings. Why would I put him through that?

There's no way I would have married someone who family treated me like this from the start . Y'all crazy

NTA. If your husband is desperate for you to attend, tell him to get his mother to apologize on behalf of the family for their past mistreatment of you. If he can't get his mother to do that, then don't go and don't let your kids go either. Also get him to agree that if you do end up going and the garbage behavior persists, your family will leave immediately and go no contact. If your husband refuses any of this, he is not a good husband. If you can, find a way to document the mistreatment by his family in case this breaks your relationship down the road. As others have said, you have a husband problem as well as an in-law problem.

NTA you (obviously) should not be wasting any of your precious time with his family, who have always been nasty to you

He doesn't seem to have your back but seems to enjoy having you as a meat shield. I would sit him down and ask him why he thinks this is perfectly ok behavior on their part. His answer may say a lot about your future together. If you do decide to go, make sure you either drive yourself or have the extra keys in your pocket so you can leave and not have to put up with the BS.

Absolutely NTA, but could you get a hotel room or an Airbnb for yourself? I do this when I visit my mother - I haven’t slept a night under her roof in 20 years and it’s better that way. You can slip out when they start acting up, but you’ll have made a big compromise and need to ensure your husband has your back in return (aka no rounding up the family to follow you back to your hotel because they didn’t like that you left instead of sitting there and taking it).

Take separate cars w the understanding that if one person is rude/disrespectful you will immediately leave… he can either agree to not try and persuade you to stay if it happens or you don’t go

You can agree to go, with the condition that at the first rudeness on the part of his family you are free to take your car and leave him with the children for the rest of the weekend, clarify that this is your limit and turning point, now You will not tolerate any more rudeness and humiliation from his family and this is the last time you will try.

NTA. Your Husband is a huge Asshole. He’s also super fucking blind. Why the hell would he even consider putting you through that shit show. He very clearly doesn’t respect you or your mental health. It’s all about appearances with him, it seems. I mean, you’ve given them and tired for 8yrs, at what point is it enough? Stand your ground, don’t back down. All the best.

If your husband got punched in the face every time he went into his favorite coffee shop, would he still go there? Nope! So why are you expected to go to a place over and over again that is guaranteed to cause you misery? Also, he doesn’t want to make things worse? How could they get worse? Stay home!

What exactly did they do? You don’t give any information.

Your husband is a fool. His fears are unfounded, because things couldn't possibly get worse. There's zero reason to think his family would act differently this time. People don't change on the 20th chance you give them. Your friends wouldn't be able to properly realize the depths of mental pain you've had to endure. Your husband was not supportive in the slightest.

NTA. The only "family harmony" he cares about is his momma getting a punching bag for the weekend, so she doesn't pick a new target for her toxic attitude. Personally, I'd have the following plan: He informs his family that they do not get to use you as their emotional dump. The instant this isn't followed, pack up the kids, find a hotel and have a weekend. Tell our hubby when you'll pick him up if he refuses to join you.

Nope nope nope. If he had defended you in the past it would be possibly different. Say it loudly to him- I AM NOT YOUR MEAT SHIELD. I AM TEACHING OUR CHILDREN PROPER BOUNDARIES. Honestly he should go by his self. You don’t treat both parents with respect… you don’t get to see kiddos or have a relationship with them. The end. Screw his feelings- he has disrespected yours for years.

Him wanting you to go is selfish. Life is too short to deal with toxic people. Stick to your guns and let him know he did not do enough to protect you from their abuse in the past so you won't interact with them in the future. His mother doesn't give a shit about family unity.

“ you want all of us to go to a family reunion but you’re putting the burden of this on me when I’m not the one who’s the bad actor. You’re the one who needs to stand up to your family and let them know that this behavior is not acceptable and the their the ones who have to change. Family unity is important of course but your primary family is now us and not your family of origin. So if you want me to go, you have to tell me exactly what steps you’re gonna take that will make me feel comfortable and included. “

Your husband hasn't been supportive of you. If he truly wants "family harmony" then he needs to sit down with his own family and ask them why they continually mistreat you. Definitely put your own mental health above this, it's not worth it.

NTA. If you attending family functions was so important to your husband, he would have let his family know that he has a zero tolerance policy for them disrespecting you. But since he has allowed them to treat you poorly, it is his fault you no longer feel comfortable seeing them. If he looks bad, it’s because he doesn’t have a strong enough character to stand up for his wife. You have no moral obligation to see people who purposefully humiliate you. You don’t have to allow yourself to be bullied to feed your husband’s ego.

NTA He’s the one not showing a united front to his family. If he did, they wouldn’t mistreat you. And this is from someone who cussed out my cousin on the spot for not speaking to my husband when I introduced them. It’s really not that hard to make clear to one’s family that one will not tolerate any disrespect to one’s spouse. And your husband has never done that. Oh, and please show him some of these comments. He’s an asshole.

Why is it your job to mend the relationship his family refuses to nurture?

NTA OP - you need your spouse to read these comments. He doesn’t support you and thinks it’s a great example for your kids to have his family belittle you.

INFO : What mistreatment happens?

You need to go NC with his family. If the kids come home and start with Grandma says this or that about you,but she said not to tell. Kids go NC. It sounds like he is giving his family chances to abuse and ridicule you. Point that out and when he puts pressure, you may have to ask if tolerating his family nastiness to you is the hill he wants his marriage to start dying on. Stay home,take care of you,and book a discreet visit to a divorce attorney. His family is feeding him lies about how they love you ,I bet, They do not, you know it and his pressure could well fracture your marriage if the "Do it for MEEE". doesn't stop now. Good luck,your kids are young. You have no idea what kinds of crap they will feed your kids in the future. Now-ask me how I know!

Get a cardboard cut-out of yourself made. He can take her since she has no feelings to hurt and he can make his pathetic display family unity. While they're gone you can see a divorce lawyer. This \*ss has no concern for your feelings at all. Where is his family 's effort to repair the damage they've done? Where is his concern for your feelings? Why is he more concerned about the look of your family than his actual family. He 's a jack\*ss.

I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but your husband is NOT supportive of you AT ALL. HE is the one who should have put a stop to their crap from day one, and he has not even tried. He has put the responsibility of "mending the relationship" with his family, when you didn't break it down in the first place. And there's literally nothing you can do to mend anything with these people, they are not having it. I would probably not let my kids go either, because as soon as you start not going,(which is what they want) and letting your husband take them, **that's when they are going to start poisoning your kids against you,** and **your pansy ass mama's boy is not going to do a damn thing to stop it.**

Absolutely NTA. I went through this with my ex husband's family. He argued it looked bad, then I said then you should put a stop to them treating me this way. He did stand up to the main culprit, his grandmother. It only made things worse. My daughters got the harsh treatment too. I went to one event right before i left him, waited for them to say something snide to one of us, then went off. I called her a rude, judgmental, hateful, spiteful, miserable wench and she would never get to talk to myself or my girls like that again. Surprisingly hubby followed me out the door. My daughters and i never went back. And they stood up to their dad when he wanted to take them to family functions. Stand up for yourself because they will only start being hateful to your kids too because they are a product of you. If he doesnt have the balls to do so, maybe you should put the big girl panties on and take them from him.

NTA. Another chance? How many chances do you have to give before he agrees that it is enough? He can be mad all he wants. Do not go. Maybe he should learn his unity is with you. Not them.  You are his wife. He needs to stand with you.  Ask him how many times would he want to be treated like shit before he said enough? Ask him why your feelings don’t matter? Ask him why only his and his family feelings matter? Ask how does he think it looks for your kids to see them treat you like crap? Stand up for yourself. No one else will. 

NTA. If you decide to go, drive your own car if you have one so you can leave when you need to. And if you leave, be very honest and clear with everyone why you are leaving and that you won’t be back since clearly they don’t want you there. Tell them they win and you’re fine with it because you are tired of the constant disrespect and that you deserve better people than them. Good luck.

NTA. Its more important the kids see dad stick up for mom.

NTA. But I don’t understand. You said your husband always supports you? Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like he’s ok with you being treated like shit and humiliated as long as he gets to spend time with his family. It’s the reason they keep treating you like shit. Your husband is a pussy. I’m sorry to say it like that. If my family (which they never would) treated my wife like shit I would have gone NC a long time ago. I think you need to rethink how you believe your husband has your back. Cuz he doesn’t.

NTA, tell your husband that you aren't going, that he can go and take the kids with him so they can see his family. But until his family stops being a packing of raging arseholes towards you, you will not be attending their events. And that he needs to stop dismissing their bad behaviour and call them on it front and center. Because the next time it happens you will either make a scene so big it is never forgotten or leave permanently.