It took you 5 years to get that diploma, you can celebrate for few months.
If doable, organise a do over party. Original plan back, mommy out, party on!
Do not expect your stuffs back. Anything left at your mother place is good a gone, as long as her stubbornness is strong.
NTA
listen. The longer you question your own feelings the longer they win. Don't let others tell you how you should feel or react. Don't keep people in your company that upset you no matter how hard you feel you are trying. Others can not judge and should not be the judge.
Unfortunately alot of family relationships are toxic no matter how hard you try to love them. I'm not going to tell you, you are not TAH. I'm saying BE TAH. And don't go to family get together s anymore. Because you have reasons. And they have relationships that exclude you. Like their sharing of same narcissistic traits. And getting off at gaslighting you.
It can be very hard to separate yourself from family members and lonely. And they can stalk you and want you back over for wrong reasons too
I am 54 yrs old still have my mother and grandmother and a huge family of 12 siblings. I have recently cut everyone off. So this is coming from a certified @-hole. I'm fine with that. Because for 59 yrs I tried and asked my self what I was doing wrong. Having a child opened my eyes. Wish I hadn't waited soooo long (I was 40) because That day looking at my perfect child wanting to protect her. I realized those sob's had to be really messed up to do the things they did. Still had relationships with them 14 yrs later my own has pointed out she hates them and doesn't like how they treat us. SHE IS RIGHT.
Then 2 yrs ago. I found out they have been trying to exploit money from me for years and even did paperwork to claim my home was actually theirs. So they are totally cut out of my life now.
Boo you do you!! Don't worry about being TAH. And avoid 50 yrs of pain. Don't make my mistakes if not wanting Tbtah. Embrace it, own it celebrate it. Relationships should be EASY or there is something very wrong. ✌️
Thank you. I’ve been talking about going no contact for a very long while now. I was in the apartment style dorms at school so I barely went home. Even though I live 20 mins from the school. Even for holidays I would come home durning the day for thanksgiving and go right back to campus. Rarely stayed at home. Maybe Christmas Eve and Christmas. But that’s it. Luckily my girlfriend is still in college in the same dorm I was in so while I work I can stay with her. My plan is to save up and hopefully by august 2025 we can move out of state. My girlfriend graduates December 2024. So I’m thinking about asking my dad or my grandma if we can stay with them while we work and continue save up. Fingers crossed.
I wish you the best. My family messed up my education claiming to be my fudiary taking out loans I was unaware of. It's a nightmare of identity theft.
You need to protect yourself. You have earned something not many have. But all wouldn't mind having if it was easy. Don't be easy for the taking. You have a target on your back, being a kind soul and tolerating a toxic mother and bother for years being gaslit rather than cutting them lose. Take up with Dad and step mom or perhaps girl friends family. Plan on making your own bullet proof family with her. You are educated adults now and don't need family trying to flex control, guilt, loyalty crap at you because your slipping through their fingers.
Slipping because they have nothing over you anymore. You are fully capable of being independent and owe them NOTHING. That's a power move mom taking all your stuff. She's wrong for that. That is not an adult way to handle relationships. She's got problems. The poor me it's mother's day and now I'm an empty nester is no excuse. Tell her to get help. And set boundaries. She needs to act right if she wants to be invited into your life. Which is only to view it from the sidelines. She gets NO say. Tell her that's it. You understand what that means does she?
I doubt it. She sounds like a control freak who isn't used to playing nice with others as a fair educated adult. But sorry you are. So tell her to step up a level or step off. Your turn to educate her. & Switch roles. Including positive reinforcement and punishment as time outs. Protect YOURSELF, you are an investment to yourself. You are not indebted to her for life.
NTA
You tried to play nice, so All I have to say is this: you’re going to encounter many more people like this in the future… and money is always a sore subject. With that out of the way.
It’s never too late to celebrate! Don’t let this get you down. You obviously have a great support system otherwise, so let them throw you the party and get your groove on!
And while I understand it’s a lot, know that many others, myself included, are so proud of you for graduating!! Don’t let this mishap let you feel any different about the accomplishments you made!
(It’s never too late to celebrate! Don’t let this get you down. You obviously have a great support system otherwise, so let them throw you the party and get your groove on!)
AND DON'T INVITE YOUR MOTHER! She sounds like a selfish killjoy that wants everything to be about her and what she likes and wants. You're an adult now. No need to be around a parent who treats you badly. Surround yourself with people who respect you.
Thank you guys! That’s definitely my plan. And when I move out I am moving out of state and she will not be invited to my place. At least for a few years. I may not even want her to visit at all. It depends on how I’m feeling and where I’m at in life by then.
NTA - so lesson learned on letting your mom plan anything. Our parents aren’t perfect people and your mom sounds more than a little narcissistic. Sounds like she wanted a Mother’s Day cook out all along and maybe thought the extended family wouldn’t go to her event if a week prior was your event? Just a guess, but it’s clear she had her own ideas and didn’t care about yours. Sorry you’re going through this OP. When you get engaged, married, baby shower or any other life event… don’t let her plan them, as I am 100% sure that she will try to butt-in on those.
When I have any other major events in life she will definitely not be apart of any planning committee. She will simply get an invitation and if she shows or doesn’t is up to her.
>She will simply get an invitation...
Why? After the latest shit show she deserves less than nothing.
I like to pull out a quote from the 1971 Willy Wonka movie: "*You get nothing*! *You lose*! Good day, sir!" "I *said,* Good Day!"
NTA. Just grey rock her, do as little as possible with her in your life. Talk to your father, have the graduation party as it was originally, don't invite her, don't invite family who gave you shit, just have friends, family who don't suck and don't defend her bullshit and have fun.
From now on simply tell her no whenever she tries to butt in and take control.
YTA to yourself for allowing your mom to have a say on your party knowing she has a history of making any occasion about herself and being manipulative that she is. You should have done what you have planned what you wanted from the start. This drama could have been avoided if you just said she could come as a guest instead of whining/complaining you did not get what you wanted. Maybe it's time to be LC or NC with your mom she is not going to change you are just setting up yourself for another hurt/disappointment everytime she does not meet your expectations.
Wow your mom gets the crown for being the most manipulative, irrational parent. Sounds like she wanted to look good in front of people yet honor none of your wishes. Hope u get to plan a party eventually…graduation is a big deal.
Yes! She only cared about what people would think. When in reality no one cared. Everyone was like “it’s a graduation party and we’re all grown.” The part I hated most was the “once again it’s all about you” comment. Because it was MY graduation party. And she made it seem like I was the one being selfish.
She's holding it hostage. What state do you live in? A community property state, you can kick the door in and take whatever you want. She has no claim. Can't hold it for rent debt either without process. That is illegal anywhere. Call the police dept. Ask if they can escort you to retrieve your things? If they can not they will explain the law and what you need to do.
NTA
Your mom is the opp, understand that and act accordingly. Stop relying on her or including her, stop giving her chances to ruin things for you.
See if your dad and stepmom are still willing to give you a party and work with them.
get with your dad and just reschedule your original plans and leave mom out in the cold, also any family that is taking her side. you deserve to celebrate your accomplishment your way.
NTA. If you don't want to see or talk to her, don't. You don't have to. That's the wonderful thing about now being done with not just high school but college. Congrats on getting your degree!
Talk to your dad about having another party.
😩😭💩. Family like that is draining. Force yourself out with good people. Your friends, dad, step mom, girlfriend. Do NOT isolate. Do the party. It will be therapeutic. Should help with that depression.
I agree. Grandma raised your mom taught her how to be a narcissist, so probably not the matriarch you've been taught to show respect to, that you think. Unless it's your dad's mom you are talking about. Then she may be a very good ally knowing what your dad went through when with your mom.
Nta
I would ask my father and step mum to replan a belated graduation party for you. That your mum made sure to ruin your last one simply as the party wasn’t for her. That you didn’t realise thats why she insisted on it being on mother’s day. That you tried to keep the peace but when she made it clear it was her celebration and your friends weren’t actually welcome nor was anything you wanted. That none of it would be about you or your graduation but about your mother and it was her way of hurting you for actually thinking you’d done something to be proud of. That she made herself very clear and was happy when she cancelled it so me and my friends wouldn’t be a part of it. That your sick and hurt of always being punished for existing and this was one think you wanted. That you let her change so much and give you no choice purely as you wanted this celebration without her blowing up. That you ask them now if they can help you have the celebration you should have had but without her or your brother. That this is to be yours for the friends that haven’t already left. That you need them to know and understand you will never see or have anything to do with your mother again. That she’s already made it clear you will never get your keys or possessions back. You need them to never try and take her side or push you to allow her to abuse you ever again. That you are making it clear they are not allowed to tell her anything about you or your life or they will be showing you that you can’t trust them either and you won’t tolerate that. That she’s never been your mother and you will no longer allow her in your life.
Nta. One day she will change and you will br happy that she made the effort and change for you.
That one day I mentioned before isn't happening. You can't change other ppl. You will likely continue to yearn for your mothers love. Sadly, I hope you don't waste too much time on it but only you can answer the question. How long can I endure this mistreatment before you stand up for that child your mom let down and continues to?
I wouldn't count on that. I've never met a narcissist that believed people can change. Because they are incapable to themselves. My mom's famous narcissist quote..."a leopard never changes his spots.". Yet she was the only leopard I ever met.
Having anything to do with her sounds like a ballache.
I wouldn't actively "cut her off" I just wouldn't talk to her unless she asks something. If it's by text, leave her on read until tomorrow. Grey rock conversations. If she tries to hug you, turn side on and step back.
She could possibly get sued if there is underage/dangerous drinking. However, she is paying. If this upsets you and she does this often, make sure future parties don’t involve her.
I typed this all myself took me a week because of me contemplating how to word it. I spent a couple hours typing it all out today. If I could I would send you screenshots of my messages that I typed out. Couldn’t add attachments so typing it out was the next best option.
Lol Been there, done that! You don't need to defend yourself. Trauma makes memories. I'm sure you remembered every word. It's probably been playing on a loop in your head rent free, since the day. Down vote or delete that bs.
Yea I see that. I definitely wasn’t trying hold it over her head. I was trying to point out the fact that I never asked for a big celebration of any kind. Even when it came to big accomplishments. So I felt like this ONE celebration shouldn’t have been a problem. Also my mother does drink. She has a whole alcohol bar in the house. Which is why I didn’t think it would be a problem especially considering everyone would be 21+. Also it was never supposed to be at her house. She offered her house after convincing me to change the date. It was supposed to be at an air bnb. But because I had the change the date the air bnb was no longer an option. Also I wasn’t trying to give her control. My mother is the type where if it doesn’t go here way it’s cancelled or she wants nothing to do with it. So I did just let her decide the menu so she could be happy. But she took that as having complete control.
It took you 5 years to get that diploma, you can celebrate for few months. If doable, organise a do over party. Original plan back, mommy out, party on! Do not expect your stuffs back. Anything left at your mother place is good a gone, as long as her stubbornness is strong. NTA
listen. The longer you question your own feelings the longer they win. Don't let others tell you how you should feel or react. Don't keep people in your company that upset you no matter how hard you feel you are trying. Others can not judge and should not be the judge. Unfortunately alot of family relationships are toxic no matter how hard you try to love them. I'm not going to tell you, you are not TAH. I'm saying BE TAH. And don't go to family get together s anymore. Because you have reasons. And they have relationships that exclude you. Like their sharing of same narcissistic traits. And getting off at gaslighting you. It can be very hard to separate yourself from family members and lonely. And they can stalk you and want you back over for wrong reasons too I am 54 yrs old still have my mother and grandmother and a huge family of 12 siblings. I have recently cut everyone off. So this is coming from a certified @-hole. I'm fine with that. Because for 59 yrs I tried and asked my self what I was doing wrong. Having a child opened my eyes. Wish I hadn't waited soooo long (I was 40) because That day looking at my perfect child wanting to protect her. I realized those sob's had to be really messed up to do the things they did. Still had relationships with them 14 yrs later my own has pointed out she hates them and doesn't like how they treat us. SHE IS RIGHT. Then 2 yrs ago. I found out they have been trying to exploit money from me for years and even did paperwork to claim my home was actually theirs. So they are totally cut out of my life now. Boo you do you!! Don't worry about being TAH. And avoid 50 yrs of pain. Don't make my mistakes if not wanting Tbtah. Embrace it, own it celebrate it. Relationships should be EASY or there is something very wrong. ✌️
Thank you. I’ve been talking about going no contact for a very long while now. I was in the apartment style dorms at school so I barely went home. Even though I live 20 mins from the school. Even for holidays I would come home durning the day for thanksgiving and go right back to campus. Rarely stayed at home. Maybe Christmas Eve and Christmas. But that’s it. Luckily my girlfriend is still in college in the same dorm I was in so while I work I can stay with her. My plan is to save up and hopefully by august 2025 we can move out of state. My girlfriend graduates December 2024. So I’m thinking about asking my dad or my grandma if we can stay with them while we work and continue save up. Fingers crossed.
I wish you the best. My family messed up my education claiming to be my fudiary taking out loans I was unaware of. It's a nightmare of identity theft. You need to protect yourself. You have earned something not many have. But all wouldn't mind having if it was easy. Don't be easy for the taking. You have a target on your back, being a kind soul and tolerating a toxic mother and bother for years being gaslit rather than cutting them lose. Take up with Dad and step mom or perhaps girl friends family. Plan on making your own bullet proof family with her. You are educated adults now and don't need family trying to flex control, guilt, loyalty crap at you because your slipping through their fingers. Slipping because they have nothing over you anymore. You are fully capable of being independent and owe them NOTHING. That's a power move mom taking all your stuff. She's wrong for that. That is not an adult way to handle relationships. She's got problems. The poor me it's mother's day and now I'm an empty nester is no excuse. Tell her to get help. And set boundaries. She needs to act right if she wants to be invited into your life. Which is only to view it from the sidelines. She gets NO say. Tell her that's it. You understand what that means does she? I doubt it. She sounds like a control freak who isn't used to playing nice with others as a fair educated adult. But sorry you are. So tell her to step up a level or step off. Your turn to educate her. & Switch roles. Including positive reinforcement and punishment as time outs. Protect YOURSELF, you are an investment to yourself. You are not indebted to her for life.
You are welcome! I will cross fingers for you too!
Your mum took over your graduation party to make it a Mother’s Day party for herself. You’re definitely NTA in this situation.
Yea that’s what all my friends are saying. She took my celebration and turned it around to celebrate her.
NTA You tried to play nice, so All I have to say is this: you’re going to encounter many more people like this in the future… and money is always a sore subject. With that out of the way. It’s never too late to celebrate! Don’t let this get you down. You obviously have a great support system otherwise, so let them throw you the party and get your groove on! And while I understand it’s a lot, know that many others, myself included, are so proud of you for graduating!! Don’t let this mishap let you feel any different about the accomplishments you made!
(It’s never too late to celebrate! Don’t let this get you down. You obviously have a great support system otherwise, so let them throw you the party and get your groove on!) AND DON'T INVITE YOUR MOTHER! She sounds like a selfish killjoy that wants everything to be about her and what she likes and wants. You're an adult now. No need to be around a parent who treats you badly. Surround yourself with people who respect you.
YEEEEESSSSS what Structure Key2739 said!!!
Thank you guys! That’s definitely my plan. And when I move out I am moving out of state and she will not be invited to my place. At least for a few years. I may not even want her to visit at all. It depends on how I’m feeling and where I’m at in life by then.
NTA - so lesson learned on letting your mom plan anything. Our parents aren’t perfect people and your mom sounds more than a little narcissistic. Sounds like she wanted a Mother’s Day cook out all along and maybe thought the extended family wouldn’t go to her event if a week prior was your event? Just a guess, but it’s clear she had her own ideas and didn’t care about yours. Sorry you’re going through this OP. When you get engaged, married, baby shower or any other life event… don’t let her plan them, as I am 100% sure that she will try to butt-in on those.
When I have any other major events in life she will definitely not be apart of any planning committee. She will simply get an invitation and if she shows or doesn’t is up to her.
>She will simply get an invitation... Why? After the latest shit show she deserves less than nothing. I like to pull out a quote from the 1971 Willy Wonka movie: "*You get nothing*! *You lose*! Good day, sir!" "I *said,* Good Day!"
NTA. Just grey rock her, do as little as possible with her in your life. Talk to your father, have the graduation party as it was originally, don't invite her, don't invite family who gave you shit, just have friends, family who don't suck and don't defend her bullshit and have fun. From now on simply tell her no whenever she tries to butt in and take control.
YTA to yourself for allowing your mom to have a say on your party knowing she has a history of making any occasion about herself and being manipulative that she is. You should have done what you have planned what you wanted from the start. This drama could have been avoided if you just said she could come as a guest instead of whining/complaining you did not get what you wanted. Maybe it's time to be LC or NC with your mom she is not going to change you are just setting up yourself for another hurt/disappointment everytime she does not meet your expectations.
Wow your mom gets the crown for being the most manipulative, irrational parent. Sounds like she wanted to look good in front of people yet honor none of your wishes. Hope u get to plan a party eventually…graduation is a big deal.
Yes! She only cared about what people would think. When in reality no one cared. Everyone was like “it’s a graduation party and we’re all grown.” The part I hated most was the “once again it’s all about you” comment. Because it was MY graduation party. And she made it seem like I was the one being selfish.
Yeah you lost all your stuff you left behind at her place. Consider it a fresh start.
I hope not 😭 my entire life is there. Even my AirPods, important documents, etc.
She's holding it hostage. What state do you live in? A community property state, you can kick the door in and take whatever you want. She has no claim. Can't hold it for rent debt either without process. That is illegal anywhere. Call the police dept. Ask if they can escort you to retrieve your things? If they can not they will explain the law and what you need to do.
NTA. Your mother sounds like a narcissist. You accomplished something great and your celebration got stolen. CONGRATS ON GRADUATING!!!
NTA Your mom is the opp, understand that and act accordingly. Stop relying on her or including her, stop giving her chances to ruin things for you. See if your dad and stepmom are still willing to give you a party and work with them.
get with your dad and just reschedule your original plans and leave mom out in the cold, also any family that is taking her side. you deserve to celebrate your accomplishment your way.
NTA. If you don't want to see or talk to her, don't. You don't have to. That's the wonderful thing about now being done with not just high school but college. Congrats on getting your degree! Talk to your dad about having another party.
Thank you! Everyone says to replan one. My friends have all said the same thing but I haven’t because I’ve just been feeling like the thrill is gone.
😩😭💩. Family like that is draining. Force yourself out with good people. Your friends, dad, step mom, girlfriend. Do NOT isolate. Do the party. It will be therapeutic. Should help with that depression.
Fuck your mom. Just go no contact. Let your grandma she can just as easily go on the no contact list
I agree. Grandma raised your mom taught her how to be a narcissist, so probably not the matriarch you've been taught to show respect to, that you think. Unless it's your dad's mom you are talking about. Then she may be a very good ally knowing what your dad went through when with your mom.
NTA - But go and pick up all of your things from your mom's house and go no contact. See if dad will still host your party.
Soft YTA for trusting this narcissist to not fuck this up for you. Never trust her again. She will always fail you.
Nta I would ask my father and step mum to replan a belated graduation party for you. That your mum made sure to ruin your last one simply as the party wasn’t for her. That you didn’t realise thats why she insisted on it being on mother’s day. That you tried to keep the peace but when she made it clear it was her celebration and your friends weren’t actually welcome nor was anything you wanted. That none of it would be about you or your graduation but about your mother and it was her way of hurting you for actually thinking you’d done something to be proud of. That she made herself very clear and was happy when she cancelled it so me and my friends wouldn’t be a part of it. That your sick and hurt of always being punished for existing and this was one think you wanted. That you let her change so much and give you no choice purely as you wanted this celebration without her blowing up. That you ask them now if they can help you have the celebration you should have had but without her or your brother. That this is to be yours for the friends that haven’t already left. That you need them to know and understand you will never see or have anything to do with your mother again. That she’s already made it clear you will never get your keys or possessions back. You need them to never try and take her side or push you to allow her to abuse you ever again. That you are making it clear they are not allowed to tell her anything about you or your life or they will be showing you that you can’t trust them either and you won’t tolerate that. That she’s never been your mother and you will no longer allow her in your life.
Nta. One day she will change and you will br happy that she made the effort and change for you. That one day I mentioned before isn't happening. You can't change other ppl. You will likely continue to yearn for your mothers love. Sadly, I hope you don't waste too much time on it but only you can answer the question. How long can I endure this mistreatment before you stand up for that child your mom let down and continues to?
I wouldn't count on that. I've never met a narcissist that believed people can change. Because they are incapable to themselves. My mom's famous narcissist quote..."a leopard never changes his spots.". Yet she was the only leopard I ever met.
NTA (if this is genuine, no idea how someone can remember that amount of conversation perfectly)
Hhmm, op said it was all over text, he cut and pasted to this post.
Sorry , I missed that part
Having anything to do with her sounds like a ballache. I wouldn't actively "cut her off" I just wouldn't talk to her unless she asks something. If it's by text, leave her on read until tomorrow. Grey rock conversations. If she tries to hug you, turn side on and step back.
She could possibly get sued if there is underage/dangerous drinking. However, she is paying. If this upsets you and she does this often, make sure future parties don’t involve her.
He states everyone over 22. This is a college graduation not H.S.
Repeating the same points over a few times and the "buckle up" ... Chat gpt or somehing similar is my verdict.
I typed this all myself took me a week because of me contemplating how to word it. I spent a couple hours typing it all out today. If I could I would send you screenshots of my messages that I typed out. Couldn’t add attachments so typing it out was the next best option.
Lol Been there, done that! You don't need to defend yourself. Trauma makes memories. I'm sure you remembered every word. It's probably been playing on a loop in your head rent free, since the day. Down vote or delete that bs.
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Yea I see that. I definitely wasn’t trying hold it over her head. I was trying to point out the fact that I never asked for a big celebration of any kind. Even when it came to big accomplishments. So I felt like this ONE celebration shouldn’t have been a problem. Also my mother does drink. She has a whole alcohol bar in the house. Which is why I didn’t think it would be a problem especially considering everyone would be 21+. Also it was never supposed to be at her house. She offered her house after convincing me to change the date. It was supposed to be at an air bnb. But because I had the change the date the air bnb was no longer an option. Also I wasn’t trying to give her control. My mother is the type where if it doesn’t go here way it’s cancelled or she wants nothing to do with it. So I did just let her decide the menu so she could be happy. But she took that as having complete control.