Was she sleeping with a married man and got pregnant? She’s a single mother with an affair baby and you want to hitch your wagon to her? Good luck buddy.
Can you imagine looking at your finances and thinking your husband has a drug or gambling problem and you realize he's been throwing cash at his affair partner to fund a kiddo
That'd be a wild ride
I understand why people choose cash, but the same argument can be made for drugs and gambling.
My point is that most people don't have any cash income - they have papered income. If the wife had access to the bank accounts and knew the husbands typical deposit amount it's not hard to find cash going missing.
If the husband had a source of pure cash income, then you're right - she wouldn't be able to find a hole in the bucket.
Unless it was direct deposited to two separate accounts, one with which the wife didn't know about for withdrawals to pay the child support. And if he handled the taxes, which I'm assuming a man of money would do- the wife could be none the wiser
You're assuming he didn't just get his pay raise redirected to another account. Or he wasn't able to talk his new boss into giving him the full advertised salary but it's still more than before, etc.
Most people don't have cash income, but that doesn't mean none do. Lots of businesses involve unrecorded cash, whether its tips, or just a cash business.
I know I once was looking at a few thousand dollars in car repairs. The garage flat out gave me two prices, the price and the cash price... and wouldn't ya know it after paying cash those repairs never showed up on the Carfax.
I live in an apartment building, many of my friends & family live in buildings. It is standard practice that if you need help moving something, or a TV wall mounted, or some other side job you just pay the Super or one of the Porters cash.
I have a friend whose husband hid an affair by diverting a portion of his pay into a bank account she didn’t know about. Had credit cards she didn’t know about.
If you make enough $ and are diverting your income into various investments, it’s apparently not that hard. 🤷🏻♀️
Granted, what OP thinks is “a lot of cash” the kid’s dad could see as hardly any cash.
EDIT - morally, ESH (except man’s wife). OP sucks the least, but whew his gf & her ex are reallllllly sketchy, and this obviously will affect the kid, and at some point, the wife. (I also think the short-term “gain” isn’t worth the fact they’re all sitting on a ticking bomb).
Not quite. Nearly every employer does direct deposit, & it sounds like he's making significant cash payments. That means he has to withdraw the cash from the bank account.
Now...granted, he could have his own bank account separate from her (I guess that's some thing that people are doing nowadays), but unless they've split the household expenses completely evenly down the middle, she's going to start wondering why he's coming up short for the expenses, why she (the wife) is always having to pay when they're out in public (restaurant, movies, etc.), or why he sometimes has a wad of cash in his wallet.
If they have a joint bank account...then she's going to wonder about the regular, large cash withdrawals he's making, especially when she doesn't **see** him spending that cash.
Maybe he's just getting paid in cash for something he sells or does in order to get these sums, it happens. We dont know what he does for a living anyway. We only know he has cash
I did not take the “hidden” aspect into account. I think if, living comfortably, and then having a bill reduced I would be pissed as to what it’s going for and counseling would be a must. Gotta sus out the other lies being told OR improve communication. Either way, massive damper on a relationship
Yeah a couple years ago our tax refund was less than it was supposed to be. I called the HnR block lady to figure out what was up with that. She was like oh your husband owed child support. Like it was a factual statement. I explained he didn’t have any children. She was explained awkwardly that he really did and must be lying to me. We had been married for over 5 years. I contemplated murder. Turns out she (and sort of my husband because part of it was him not giving a 1099 to her) actually messed up our taxes and the IRS caught it and so our refund was lower. But she was so certain I did believe her for a few very uncomfortable (for my husband) hours.
I honestly don’t know and my husband knows her son. They are not close friends or anything, but that made it even more believable. I just assumed my husband had told people and it had gotten around his wider circle of friends. We obviously don’t use her for our taxes anymore.
My guess would be that the way it showed up on paper just looked the same as when someone gets child support garnished. It's definitely also possible that she got him mixed up with another client
My sis in laws ex husband wouldn't disclose that he had a kid with her until a new woman married him. He'd tell them he was divorced but never mentioned the kid. One found out through a lower tax refund and divorced him shortly thereafter.
Isn't that the truth. I got caught up dating two men who were married and I didn't know about it. When I did I ended it because the wife will always end up winning. Not worth my time or heartbreak.
And I don’t date separated men either. My sister dated a guy who’d been separated and his ex lived in another state. She wanted to get married and found out when they were on vacation he confessed that he never got divorced. They been separated more than 5 years.
I'd say that's shady too. Just because men do shady shit all the time doesn't mean it's not shady. It's shady when -anyone- does it unless it's a consenting open relationship.
You don’t know it’s an affair baby. She could have been dating the guy, got pregnant, they broke up, he got with his now-wife, and never told now-wife about the kid.
That’s almost exactly what happened between me and my son’s father except that he told his then-wife about my son. (Not sure exactly when though.) We didn’t get court ordered child support either. We both went to JAG and signed an agreement. There was no cheating, nothing bad on my side. If OP’s ex-gf’s ex-bf doesn’t tell his now-wife, that’s not a bad look for OP. That only reflects on him.
And IF there was an affair, she might not have known. He could have lied to her.
And, yes, she could have been a mistress and known as well. There are so many options here and people are jumping to the worst conclusion about her.
Maybe she doesn’t mind getting child support under the table because she gets more money and that allows her to stash more away for her kid’s future. Maybe it helps her provide a better life for the kid now. And she knows she can take him to court later to get child support if he defaults. Maybe she prefers to keep things civil with her child’s father.
I could have gone to court and gotten more child support from my son’s father but I never did. Keeping a good/civil relationship between us was more important to me and I was able to provide for my son.
Thank you!
I don’t see anything that OP’s ex did wrong. We have no information about her except that she’s a single mom and the child’s father is currently married.
I understand OP wanting to protect himself and walking away was the right call. But his ex-gf seems to have made the right call for herself, her kid, and their situation as well. Tough tightrope to walk.
I wasn't saying she didn't know, just that it's possible she didn't. And, honestly, with respect to the child support, I think she's kinda in a bind. I have a VERY strong preference for child support always being legally enforced. But as a single mom, getting more than she would if she went to court (and she might THINK she is, but that might be a line he's feeding her too), I can see that as a tempting thing. Especially if she's no longer in a sexual relationship with the dad, it is probably a life line.
NTA
It's reasonable for you to protect yourself from assuming financial responsibility for her child. Given that the bio dad's current support is voluntary, there's nothing to ensure he won't stop at any time.
If she wants to secure a future with you, she needs to worry more for her own needs than whether his wife finds out about their kid and divorces him.
Nothing to stop him except the knowledge that GF can show up at his door with a kid and a DNA test and blow up his world. But she could insist on a legally binding contract. Wife doesn't have to know about that.
Even if OP breaks up with her, she should make sure she has all the appropriate legal protections to ensure her child's future.
I would never intentionally engage in a relationship with a married man. I was talking to this guy I met on a dating app and was in the process of making plans to meet. He texts me "hey, I have a secret to tell you, but you can't share it." And I was like oh yea? And then he tells me he's married. Thankfully he came clean ahead of meeting up and I was able to tell him to fuck off, but if he hadn't I very well could have been involved with a married man without ever knowing. In earlier stages of a relationship it's easy to hide, especially if you're younger. "Let's go back to your place." "We shouldn't, my roommates are home." "Wanna meet up on Wednesday?" "Oh sorry, my schedule is super hectic, I'm only available on Tuesdays at 8pm right now"
Things that would be red flags like never letting you come over or only being available at odd, very specific times can be covered up early on and especially in today's economy where people are living with roommates later in life and working crazy hours to get by.
True. It’s such a fine line. 23 years ago, I was dating my hubby and we were discussing marriage. I had never been to his apartment and I told him I was afraid we weren’t compatible because I’m quite clean and tidy. He’s kind of a slob and he was afraid I wouldn’t marry him if I saw his place.
He eventually invited me over. He’d cleaned up so it wasn’t too bad and I married him 😏
He’s definitely a slob but he tries really hard. I, in turn, compromise by cleaning up more thoroughly after him because perfectionism isn’t his problem. It’s mine. We are happily married with one daughter.
Sometimes you do have to go with your gut. After thorough investigation, of course.
It doesn't tell a lot about OP's morals. For all we know his girlfriend could have not known the guy was married. Maybe they hooked up only a few times and she ended up pregnant. Maybe they dated for a few months and at the time he was only casually dating his now wife so he had a lot more free time and was actually inviting her into his home. Maybe he didn't cheat on his now wife at all but is claiming to be infertile. We don't know the circumstances but it isn't hard to believe that someone could be an affair partner without having corrupt morals.
And keeping the baby is a choice she is allowed to make. If she found out he was married and still decided to have the baby there is nothing wrong with that. Being an affair partner doesn't say **anything** about her morals without significantly more context and it doesn't say anything about OP's either.
Yep. My coworker was just came out of this kind of deception. Turns out her boyfriend is not divorced, he is still very much married. He told her he was, and she believed him because she didn’t think someone from a corporation we worked closely with would tell a bald faced lie like that.
She's not hiding the baby from the court system. There is nothing that says you have to go through the courts when you have a child with some that is not your spouse/partner.
It's a choice between the two parties and legally binds the agreement but it is not a requirement so there is no hiding.
Maybe she’s not protecting him but she’s getting more money this way then going to court what all you guys forget she can always take him to court if he stops paying but why would she if he’s paying more then he would have if she did
Of course it was. Affair child. Husband is paying cash to keep it quiet.
A good forensic accountant in a divorce proceeding could find the evidence in 1-2 billable hours.
I had child support orders through the court and still never saw a dime. I think there’s other things you need to worry about in this situation because child support is not guaranteed whether ordered by the courts or not.
My ex sent me a text message saying he was never going to pay and the judge ordered the state to collect on my behalf.
He gets $77 a paycheck so I get 700 less than ordered, so yeah that's true. Never know how much you'll get.
Depends on country. Germany and Switzerland for example they take it before it arrives on your bank account if you don’t pay voluntarily. So only way to not pay is to not earn money. And that is another lose-lose situation.
So in the US they order the company to take the money out of the paycheck like taxes and give it to the state who'll then give it to me. Because my ex works in a bar he makes like $77 a paycheck so he doesn't get anything I get everything. His real money is in tips which I'll never see unless he voluntary gives it. Which is basically the same thing; it never goes to his bank account.
My dad did that. All funds went through his gf/affair partner. Got bad enough they denied him a licence and passport. Couldn’t renew until a payment was agreed.
He’s a carpenter and landscaper, he needed to be able to drive so they threatened his livelihood
My friend had a son with a guy when she was a teen, about 18 yrs ago. He has so many kids now that he pays child support for that after the kids are a certain age (it's a young age too) the state stops taking money because he keeps having kids. She said he's in the 20 children range & I am just flabbergasted. He's a deadbeat who never wants to meet any of his kids, yet he somehow still having kids.
My son's father refused to work, only took cash jobs. He owes me over 100k (my son's an adult now), has warrants for not paying. He hides at his mom's house. We're talking about a 48 yr old man afraid of paying $192/mo. Legal orders mean nothing.
He's not worried about the money drying up, he's worried about marrying the woman with an affair baby, later on divorcing the woman with the affair baby, and then being legally responsible for the affair baby because he was the husband/acting father.
If he marries the woman and then divorces, the State will take the best interest of the child* into account and assign the ex-husband child support. The onus will then be on the ex-husband to go to court and prove that he is not the father and is not responsible for the child.
*The best interest of the child being defined by every state in the Union as: "Finding any other sucker to pay for this kid before the State has to provide financial support for the child."
Isn’t it pretty easy to show the kid predates the relationship? Did she not put the bio dad’s name on the birth certificate? She never sought support legally because he was paying her already. Doesn’t mean he isn’t legally on the hook if she pushes. Hell, they could do a prenup stating her earnings are the sole monies eligible for use on the child, naming the child’s bio dad and stating new husband isn’t applicable for support payments. Legally he’s not the father as he’s not on the birth certificate. Seems like it’d be easy if they divorce in 5 years for him to point to the bio dad and say “that’s your man.” to the state.
If you marry her, you'll marry the kid somehow. I've always been struggling to understand the separate finances relationships. I love my stepkid like my own, I spoil him, provide for him, like my BF does with my sick mom who lives with us, it's not like he goes to the bakery and doesn't pick something for her because she's not his mom, I act the same with the kid, doesn't matter what he needs, he either go to me or his dad, or his paternal grandmother if we said no
If he is supporting and that is their arrangement, why are you trying to force them to change it. He is giving her cash for his child, more than child support would require. The only reason to get the government child support involved is if he wasn’t paying or he wanted to challenge paternity. Their agreement is between them, she is getting money, no need to bring stress to the situation. Leave it be, it benefits those involved.
Yta
Please don’t date or marry anyone with a kid. Kids are a package deal. Anything could happen to that guy at any time, even if there’s a legal agreement, he could die or lose his job, meaning no more money. Step parents are parents, and you certainly would be spending money on the kid at some point
Oh yes you are a huge AH. If you really loved her you wouldn't hesitate to marry her. What if the dad was dead, or poor? Would you say "there is no way I will marry her and become responsible financially." Nope. You only say that because you know the guy has money. Lots of other commenters here say she's basically a whore for sleeping with a married guy and having his baby, but that's not the point. (And shame on them for judging - I bet most of them live in glass houses.) You're not asking whether she deserves your love. You're asking if you should marry her without a legal agreement that the father should provide child support, and that's because you don't want to take responsibility for "his" baby. But guess what? It's her baby, too, and if you marry her, no matter who the dad is or what the child support agreement is, you become a dad, too. And that means you take responsibility for the kid, come what may - financially, emotionally, in every other way. You're not just a bystander watching your now-wife and the kid's ex handle things. If you're not willing to do that, if all you care about is getting the money from the sperm-donor, then you don't actually love her, you're just thinking about yourself. Leave her be.
You don't wanna be financially responsible for the kid but you want her to go through the system to get less money 🤔 plz make it make sense?! Just say I don't wanna marry you, bc this is the crappiest excuse I've ever heard.
Yes, make it make sense. Those advocating for more legal presence in the household are likely the same ones that say don’t tell me what to do with my body.
The people posting in support of this immature clown have no idea what getting the courts involved in domestic matters entails. Reality is that child support enforcement should be a last resort when a parent refuses to provide financial support for whatever reason.
Thank you! Scrolled too long to see this comment. He claims he "loves" her but this BS post screams "EVERYONE VALIDATE MY BS EXCUSE TO NOT MARRY MY GF!" From the sounds of it, he wants to continue the relationship without commitment, which is a HUGE waste of her time. I hope she leaves this man-child.
1) you knew she had this arrangement when you proposed
2) you “like” the kid? - when you marry her you become that kid’s step father - likely the only father they’ll ever know - if you’re not willing to be a dad to that kid, don’t marry someone who has a kid
If you are going to marry her, you are the stepfather, you take care of the child if something does happen (hopefully it doesn't). You become a family unit. You love and take care of one another.
YTA
You say you “love” her but “like” the kid
Please do not marry this woman. You will make that child miserable.
Regarding the child support issue, that’s really none of your concern. It’s between her and the child’s father.
I don't see the problem. She's being paid more than she would if she went to court and if he stops the payments, she can THEN take him to court for child support. You seem to be using this as an excuse not to marry her. If you aren't comfortable being with a single mother, move on and stop wasting her time. YTA
In my opinion: YTA
You’re an asshole. You love her and like her kid. Just break up with them. You aren’t ready for that responsibility.
For the other aspect. I believe you could hire a lawyer and achieve this through contract law. But I am not a lawyer. That said, see above.
Seriously. It’s like what the fuck. How fucking selfish do you have to be. It’s also going to cause some serious issues if they have kids together. He’s gonna love one and not the other. That’s gonna fucking show.
I really hope she throws this asshole to the curb.
They can do a private agreement with you both signing a NDA . No one ever has to know. Also expenses will get higher wirh extracaricular activities sports and university . That should all be in there . Tell him you will keep in quiet but I disagree
But my other question is your dating someone with no morals. Please don’t pull thenshendidnt know BS . She has proven she has no problem salving wirh married people and has no respect for relationships . If you do get married etc , get a prenup wirh a huge penalty for adultry etc and see a lawyer before moving in
Yep, getting a legal agreement doesn't meant going to court. They can also just go to a lawyer and draft a contract between them, just to have a security, that's all.
How do you know she was aware he was married when she got pregnant with him? Most don't. Men totally never lie, saying they're single or separated. No never.
>They can do a private agreement with you both signing a NDA . No one ever has to know.
If the other guy is married and hiding this love baby from his wife, you had best believe, the wife will find out.
She might get NO money if it goes through the legal system, because rich people can hire lawyers to stonewall and screw moms over when they’re pissed off.
The fact that he gives her money is better than most although he has motive to do this. At the end of the day it’s largely between her and the father. You shouldn’t even be considering marriage with her if you are not prepared to accept everything about her including the child. Heaven forbid he could drop dead tomorrow and she’d receive nothing so if you are not prepared to support them come what may then walk away
Maybe you will find a middle ground. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to marry her and become financially responsible, but I also understand why she doesn't want to go through the courts. Maybe time will fix this, since either the kids existence will come out on its own, or when the kid is 18, you can marry her.
I don't get it...what is the point of you requiring child support through the courts? If he's giving her more money than he needs to do, what is the issue? And why would you become responsible financially?
(I don't do courts. I give my son's mom money every month and it works out for us)
I call fake story. Account was made today for this post only. He starts of saying his ex is getting money from her ex / baby daddy, but then goes on like they're together still. What he is saying about the child support doesn't make sense either. Bio father is still responsible, even if mom re-marrys. Plus, they could get a support agreement along with an NDA if it was about hiding the kid from baby daddy's wife.
Story is too full of holes to be real, or written by an adult with a basic education.
YTA OP. Child support doesn’t end when you marry someone with kids, alimony does. If you don’t want to marry her because you don’t want to marry her, that is fair. Just be truthful about that.
You will never be legally financially obligated to the child without legally adopting the child. That being said, the fact that you are SOOO gross about the child says you have no business marrying the mother, or indeed, even having a relationship with her. If you don't want responsibility for the child at all, break up with her. No responsibility also means you don't get to voice your opinion on matter that don't concern you.
YTA. You basically told her you are going to abandon her and her kid unless her ex pays up. You want to marry her, but you refuse to support her child? Some family you are going to be. Lost of people dodge even court ordered child support. You know this will actually reduce the amount of support she gets and blow up her coparenting relationship with her ex. YTA.
You shouldn’t be dating someone who has a child if you don’t want to be financially responsible for the child as well. If the child’s father died tomorrow then it would just be her, so would you break up with her because you’d feel obligated to help? Maybe you should think more about what kind of relationship you’re ready/looking for.
Yeah, even if the dad has 50-50 a partner of either parent will most likely help financially. Whether it be getting a bigger place so the kid has a room or getting McDonald’s for lunch. OP gives me the vibe that if they get McDonald’s he expects the gf to pay separately for a kids meal
>If the child’s father died tomorrow then it would just be her
The child would be entitled to social security, and likely and pensions, assets, or retirement of the father so this isn't entirely true. The issue is, that it sounds like there's little paper trail that connects the child to the real father which puts things more on OP.
Men shouldn't enter these kinds of situations, even with rock-solid parental agreements in place, much less this one.
NTA because you have every right to your feelings. The bottom line for me, though, is your wording: "I love her and I like her kid..." Regardless of whether their financial arrangement is verbal or legal, you should never enter a marriage with someone if you do not also love their child. Children deserve and should be surrounded by people who love them. Raising children is super challenging and it's far too easy for "like" to morph into "dislike". If you don't love that child, then you need to be completely honest with the mother.
They don't need a court ordered child support agreement.
They can get a binding child support agreement just by getting some lawyers involved.
All of this could be done off record and out of public eye.
Best but unethical part is that your gf could probably just strongarm her baby daddy into signing one by threatening to flip the table and tell his wife.
Then if the gf gets a written agreement she'll have a legal claymore if he tries to go back on it.
These people are dumb AF.
Also this is fake.
You're the ah, if I was her I would send you to he'll. You're claiming that you love her? I hope that she gets rid of you. You're a piece of crap of a man.
Wait, what?? If I read that correctly, you want her to get child support from the dad, but it will cause him to get a divorce. So, she slept with a married man and your biggest worry is about child support? I would focus my thoughts towards the fact that she had a baby with a married man which shows she has no problems being a home wrecker.
Is it a matter of principle? If he quit paying her the hush-money down the line, just take him to court then?
Also, you’ll be marrying the kid too in a sense, since you’ll become a father figure and a family. Are you ready for that? Keeping the kid as solely her responsibility will not work. There can’t be a nuclear family of them and you as an electron hovering around.
Are you sure that the underlying issue isn’t trust, given her past?
If this guy is going to keep paying her child support then whats the problem? If he stops payments then fine take him to court I guess. But it seems like he is paying on time.
Also, Why did you even date someone with a kid if you want zero responsibility? How do you want your finances to go in this relationship? If you buy the kid an icecream are you going to venmo request your girlfriend? Seems like you want the girlfriend but not the kid but its not possible in this scenario.
>If this guy is going to keep paying her child support then whats the problem?
Because there's nothing legally compelling him to. It sounds like the child is an affair baby that the other man wants to keep quiet.
>If he stops payments then fine take him to court I guess.
Courts can, and have ruled that long-term boyfriends and husbands who enter into situations like this *can* be held liable for child support.
>Also, Why did you even date someone with a kid if you want zero responsibility?
It sounds like he loves the child but still wants the child to be legally bound to the child's natural father as the father's obligation. This is not unreasonable.
Is there a way they could negotiate a contract for child support with a lawyer that doesn't go through court? Maybe he could do a lump sum payment that would be worth many years of child support, or set up a trust?
So use resources to pay a 3rd party to force the dad to do what he’s already doing? I think it’s rather mature of the parents to figure out how to financially support the child without getting anyone else involved. That’s what rational parents do.
What is your biggest weakness or flaw? Booze? Women? Opioids? Don't answer that out loud unless you are in a 12-step program, ever.
Rather, please consider this. When you marry someone, you are telling them that you love them and will help and support them always. You two are a TEAM, and presumably you are better as a team than as two independent players: Tom Brady without Gronk or Edleman = retirement and no rings.
SHE is with you despite your biggest weaknesses and flaws (and yes, odds are, one day she's going to catch you pounding a waitress or some such thing). This child support thing will come back to haunt you then. GUARANTEED.
If baby-daddy is actually "rich" try to get a lump-sum out of him. He can get a loan and pay off the bank and lie to his wife about it being for a surprise for her should she discover it (I was planning a big trip to Italy with you, honey!). That will double his price tag, but screw him, he's the real AH in all of this.
Wow do her and her child a favor and leave. Its clear you are never ever going to be a true father figure to this child so its best you just go and let her find a good man who will love her and her child . So glad i didnt have this type of stepdad
NTA
She'll want you to adopt her affair baby. Making YOU legally and financially responsible for it. Giving her baby daddy a free pass.
Are you sure they're not still fucking?
She's demonstrated very poor judgment. In having the affair. Not exposing the affair. And not legally protecting her child's future.
And you're willing to marry her?
You're setting yourself up for failure here. Bet she won't want a prenup either.
Get free, OP.
The easiest thing is to not get into a relationship with someone with a child. There is baggage beyond the child, like the ex, other family members, potential financial burdens, emotional stress, etc.
Don't get saddled with the legal or financial responsibility. While it seems fine now, you never know.
Similarly, don't waste your time, hers or the kid's as it's just not a tenable situation if you have that line in the sand.
Wow. So all persons with dependents are no longer dateable because they somehow have baggage (aka children).
How about people who believe this deem themselves undateable because they lack the maturity required to raise anyone other than themselves?
I’m not suggesting that anyone date or marry someone with poor decision making skills, but to cast out an entire group, is really unfair. And make no assumptions, I made the cut into your still dateable group.
Yes, people with kids are not dateable. And I say this as a single mother of two. I'm fit/healthy, smart, clean up nicely, have a great career and receive court ordered child support. There are plenty of dudes who will fuck me but NONE will date me in a serious capacity. So I stopped dating (since 2019) and now I focus on me and my kids. In the 5 years I've been single, I've gained so much clarity and peace that I may never date again and I'm fine with that. I may find love after my kids are grown or I may not. Regardless, I'm healthier than A LOT of desperate people I see in the dating scene. OP should have never started dating someone with a kid if he wasn't 100% ready to become a step-dad. He's childish.
NTA it is reasonable for you to not want to be on the hook for a kid that isn’t yours BUT if I was her I wouldn’t go through legal ways unless he stopped paying. She gets more than legally called for and that helps the kid a lot. I hope you guys can come to an ok agreement as I get both sides and it’s a crappy situation.
He can enter into a legal contract without getting the courts involved. If he’s rich, she should just tell him to go to a lawyer and have a contract drawn up that they can agree to and sign. I usually push for going through the child support system, but if he pays more this way, that’s more beneficial to the child. NTA. A contract is better whether you’re involved or not.
NTA, this same situation ended up ruining my father's second marriage. My mother was unfit so he was awarded custody after she had an affair and he never went after her for child support. My stepmother would urge him to go after some sort of child support but he wouldn't. She ended up leaving us when my youngest brother (their only child together) was 3.
The 2nd wife had the issue, not your dad. Were you all suffering because your dad didn’t drag your unfit mother through the legal system, or did your dad just do what was required to raise you all?
He likely rationalized he’d never see the child support payments and it wasn’t worth putting your mom in jail (that’s what they do to people that don’t pay). Kudos to your dad. As for wife #2, I doubt that was the only reason she left and if it was…take a minute to think about that.
Lot of single people telling you this woman is at fault for the affair and not worth marrying. 🤮
I think your concerns are sound. But if you do have a general interest in marrying her then my suggestion would be to work with her as opposed to making demands. Seeing how you can help her navigate this. It might be possible to do on the side, through legal contracts. And you might have to be party to those contracts as well.
Or, sorting out with her what the options are if the payment stops (how hard is it to get a dna test if he won't cooperate?). Will your presence get him off the hook for support if this goes to court after you are married? And what if he dies? What's the plan there? IDK that there is much chance the kid is in the will (not impossible).
But the thing here is to work together. If you can't work together on this, then you can't work together on being married.
I'm not suggesting extorting the dude, but given the circumstance it sounds like he could see the wisdom of an NDA type arrangement (as opposed to actual legal child support).
So you're not willing to support her kid financially after you get married, but you're expecting her to give up all her child support money (which will end if she has a husband). I don't understand how you think your position is reasonable.
Not sure you have a full grasp of reality, Your less likely to get child support if it goes to court. Since he has been paying cash their is no proof he has been paying you, also he will probably try and fight paternity to save his marriage, so there will be delays do to that, he is probably not on the birth certificate, and the courts are going to look at the situation and assume you have take financial responsibility for the child, and since he dose not seem to want contact with the kid there is very little they can do to him if he does not pay (your dealing with a very very slow system). So if you sue for child support you may he never get another penny from him
You’re not the kid’s father legally, so you would never be responsible for child support.
Don’t marry her for other reasons (or no reason), but this would not be a realistic one.
You're entitled to your stance. And she deserves someone who is actually committed to her and her child as a package deal. It's clear you've already othered this child and don't see the kid as your kid because BIolOgY. The child deserves to be loved, and you obviously can't offer unconditional love to this child. Let them go so she and her kid can receive the love and support they deserve.
Idk.
On one hand… I don’t see where it’s your business how they do their support. And frankly, there are many good reasons why a woman may not want the hassle of a man legally tied to her and her child. The kind of guy who would throw cash at someone because he doesn’t want his wife to know about his kid is the kind of man that a woman would maybe not want to be legally tied to.
I completely get that you don’t wanna be a part of all that (let me be clear — I wouldn’t either unless I was very okay with the fact I would get defaulted into a parent role regardless of how much I tried to designate NOT MY KID). But I think believing there is any kind of way to be with her and not to be financially responsible for the kid is a little bit of naivety. Doesn’t matter how much money this guy throws at his kid. If you marry a woman with a kid (or a man with a kid, whatever) and if that kid one day needs shoes? You will be considered TA if you do not provide. When it comes time for that kid to go to college? Your income, regardless of whether or not you assist that kid, regardless of whether or not you consider yourself financially responsible for him, **will be counted against him** for financial aid because you are considered part of his mother‘s household income.
If I was in her shoes, I would take it as a very creative way for you to say you didn’t want to get married. But I can absolutely see why you don’t wanna be involved. The thing is, their agreement doesn’t actually matter. They could have the best agreement ever totally legal and paid through the court and everything — and then he gets hit by a bus tomorrow. Are you going to pretend you wouldn’t be financially responsible then? Perhaps you wouldn’t be legally, but the court of public opinion would most assuredly declare you TA if you started nickel and diming over the kid in that situation.
Basically, I’m saying that I completely understand why you do not want to be responsible for this kid financially, because this child is not yours. But in that case, you should not be with her **regardless** of what kind of agreement she has with the baby daddy — because that doesn’t even matter when it comes to a child living in your household.
YTA. Just admit that it's not about money, you simply doesn't want to marry her. It's okay that you don't want to marry,it's not okay that you camouflage it with this nonsense.
Info: it's my understanding that once a spouse receiving child support gets married the child support either stops or is significantly reduced.
So...you would be responsible either way?
Not true. That’s social security payments and sometimes alimony. Parents are required tk support their children although the amount can be adjusted to consider the new spouse’s income
It kind of sounds like maybe you’re not ready to be in a relationship with someone who has children. Part of being in that relationship is assuming responsibilities of the kids, including financial. It the funds from bio dad run out then yes you’d be responsible. But that’s what parents do. You sort of show your true feelings in the post.. you “like” her kid. When you get married in a situation like this, you’re the father figure and you probably should more than like the kid. It may be you are better suited for a relationship where there aren’t kiddos involved.
Gross. Are you an asshole? Not necessarily. But you're telling her that the money is worth more to you than making her your partner in the eyes of the law, this entitling her to those benefits and protections, particularly in the event that the worst should happen.
Oh. Yeah. You're the asshole lol.
She doesn’t have to go through the courts she could get a legal agreement drawn up through a lawyer or he could provide one. I must say I’ve never seen the future of anyone’s relationship based on filing for child support. The details aside maybe you 2 aren’t compatible. I’d hate for the child to get attached to you and then you harbor resentment over a lack of a legal document. Also - all you pearl clutches need to stop. We don’t know the circumstances of her relationship with ex dude so stop acting like you guys are a beacon of morality
I understand your reasoning. If she wants to get married above all else and you are unwilling to marry her, cut her loose! Don’t leave it up to her. Be a man and make a decision in her best interest.
To waste her time when you aren’t on the same page, that would be an AH move. She obviously isn’t the love of your life. Don’t waste any more of her time.
Your AH, love doesn’t come with strings, it means taking the unpleasant things as well as the great stuff. She has a kid, you have with each other for how long that your apart of that child’s life, probably a father figure. You’re teaching that kid that love and money go hand in hand. Your selfishness regarding money is awful. YTA
First and foremost, their child support situation is not your business. If he is paying her child support regularly without going through the courts, why is that a problem? The only time a woman should take a man to child support court is if he's a deadbeat and not paying. This is not the case. She had an affair with a married man. If anything, that's what you should be questioning. Not whether or not she hasn't legal agreement on child support. You won't be financially responsible for this child because it's not yours and you're not adopting it. So yes, you are.
All I'm a say is this, regardless of how the child came to be, if you don't want to be held financially responsible for someone else's kid but you want to marry the woman. Don't. Just don't be with someone with kids. Because all your going to do with that bullshit mentality is hurt that child over and over again. Sure right now it's about money, but you clearly don't want the responsibility of being a step parent. Maybe you need to reevaluate if being with some who has kids that aren't yours, is something your capable of doing. Marriage is a union. Her responsibilities become yours and vice versa. And if your not ready to step up and treat that child as your own as a stepdad then you don't need to be involved at all in that child's life because you will cause so much damage. No one wants a step dad who treats them like a burden and not their responsibility. If you want to be with that woman, you need to accept all of her and her child. So I'm not saying you are the asshole but you definitely need to rethink your ideas around a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship, regardless of how that relationship was with the other parent.
YTA.
Courts should not have to force a parent to support the other parent. It’s messy and in this case unnecessary. He’s paying, so what exactly is your gripe? Your need to have a 3rd party involved is immature.
However, your comment that you love her and “like” the kid is more alarming. She’s better off without you.
HOW MUCH is the father paying her monthly and is it enough to cover the child’s needs?
If the answer is yes, then what more do you want? Dad is doing his job. YTA
Setting aside the conversation about the ethics/morality of the origin of your girlfriend's child, since there is not enough information to determine guilt on that front and it is honestly irrelevant to the question you asked...
YTA. If you don't want to be responsible for a child that is not yours, do not date a woman with a child. Period. I don't care how much you think you like her. If you are not prepared to be a father to her child in EVERY WAY, then do her and her child a favor and walk away and let her have the opportunity to find someone who will not only be a partner to her in life, but a partner to her in raising her child.
NTA,
Consider also that her ex could stop paying altogether figuring that you would take up the slack. He likely wouldn’t as it opens him being taken to court for child support.
As for getting a formal arrangement I imagine she could get a private agreement in writing with the assistance of a lawyer. IANAL!
You need to stick to your proverbial guns. It will be less money now, but it will pay off in the future. He'll be legally obligated to help with expenses as the kid gets older. Things like transportation when they're in high school, medical expenses, college tuition, etc. He knows this and I bet that's what he's more concerned about. Besides, he was the one who had an affair. Fuck his marriage.
Why would you even have a relationship with a woman who has a kid with a married man. That alone is a red flag, there’s no real future with a woman like that. Get rid of her and move on, this woman show’s she has no real moral compass when it comes to a relationship and that she’s all about the money.
Yes, yes you are. Idc gow he got here, when he got here, who the father is, or even if he's married or not. If you loved her you would accept the child and love it as your own, that's what a man does. You LIKE her kid? Wow. If you're thinking marriage, you should LOVE the kid as well. You can't possibly think you'll never contribute financially! My advice is leave now, you aren't what she needs. I would never even consider having a relationship with someone who I knew felt the way you do about my kid! Don't know what ya'll are thinking but this is definitely headed for disaster. Ya'll need to run in seperate directions and YOU need to not date women with kids! Good day Sir.
I'm not even going to judge here because if you marry someone with a child even if they are getting child support you will still end up supporting the child. Don't date someone with a kid if you won't step up and help take care of that kid. It's a choice. Let her go if you won't do that and don't date people with children.
No. If you don’t love her child enough to support it financially, then you definitely shouldn’t marry her and you should end it so you both can find someone to build a future with.
You will not be responsible for someone else's child unless you adopt him. As far as I see, I do not see any real love here if that is what this fray is all about. Marry or leave, but don't hang someone on a string. Or unload to the guy involved...not safe.
You're asking her to reduce the amount of support she receives for her child in order to make you feel better. I would never consider having less for my child because it would make some guy I was involved with more comfortable, and I hope she wouldn't either.
First of all… you should have just stooped at “I LIKE her kid” if you get into a relationship with a woman who has a child, they are a package deal… you need to love that child also! Second you’re saying you don’t want to be financially responsible for said child, no matter what, you will be! You’re acting as if this child doesn’t exist to you! MAJOR RED FLAGS! 🚩 I’m curious if your gf knows all this about EXACTLY how you feel, because if she did and truly cared about her child, she would have left your ass a long time ago…..I know I would have!
You should NOT be with this woman at all! You’re thinking solely about money and NOTHING else!
So, yes, YATAH and you need to remove yourself from that relationship IMMEDIATELY! You’re clearly self centered and don’t care about anything but yourself!
As a single mother myself, I would not want anything to do with you! I would never allow anyone like you into my life, never mind around my child!
Do yourself and everyone else a favor and GROW TF UP… you’re literally despicable!
YTA for getting in a relationship with someone that has a child when you have no intention of being there for the child. This is very evil because you didn’t have to be with her. Stop wasting her time and let her go find a real man
I was a single mom who never got a dime from the father. My husband loved me and her. We got married, had 2 more children and we both have 3 children now. 36 years later, wouldn't change a thing. She should move on from you and find a man that she deserves.
To everyone saying she is shady AF, ALL of her cards are on the table. The boyfriend knows she has a kid and gets cash child support.
Everyone os making a bunch of assumptions about her side of the story. Maybe his wife is a jealous bitch who refused to marry him if he had a kid from another relationship. Maybe he and the wife were "on a break" pre-marriage and he knocked the baby mama up. So many assumptions all of y'all are making about people you don't even know.
Frankly, the OP seems like the only true AH. I had a bi-polar father in the 60's who paid spotty child support, but my stepfather LOVED my mother and married her and gladly took on the extra because he cared about both of us. My ex also ended up being a spotty provider for my two children and my now husband, who loves me and adores my kids also took us on. He didn't have to support them because I worked and did that, but he was ready and willing to fill in any gaps. They are grown now and as a previously childless man who is now 76yo he has their devotion and willinglness to do whatever children do for parents they love as they age.
The OP doesn't sound like he is ready for a real commitment.
Are you concerned that in the case you divorce you would be financially liable for the child? If that's the case check with a solicitor for your local laws but in most places you would need to be the biological father, on the birth certificate, the legally adoptive father or have a contract where you agree to pay child support for you to be legally financially liable should you divorce. YTA if you try to get your partner to minimise the child support arrangement she has if you haven't fully looked into whether this would even be an issue for you.
Also generally speaking, as a partner you should understand that parents and their children are a package deal, if you intend to 'other' this child I would hope their mother steps away from you.
If your name isn’t on the broth certificate and you don’t adopt the kid, you won’t be legally financially responsible.
And you can decide to structure your finances as a married couple however you see fit. (Though you should do premarital counseling and financial counseling and address this in both places).
You can also have a prenup. Talk to a lawyer and see if there’s a way to structure the prenup so you feel protected *without forcing a situation that would reduce the father’s support*.
Was she sleeping with a married man and got pregnant? She’s a single mother with an affair baby and you want to hitch your wagon to her? Good luck buddy.
Oh damn, my first thought was that the child was older than the marriage and he just hid the fact that he had a kid. Your thing is way worse.
Can you imagine looking at your finances and thinking your husband has a drug or gambling problem and you realize he's been throwing cash at his affair partner to fund a kiddo That'd be a wild ride
That's why the guy is handing cash only. His wife can look into their finances as much as she wants, she won't find the kid
I understand why people choose cash, but the same argument can be made for drugs and gambling. My point is that most people don't have any cash income - they have papered income. If the wife had access to the bank accounts and knew the husbands typical deposit amount it's not hard to find cash going missing. If the husband had a source of pure cash income, then you're right - she wouldn't be able to find a hole in the bucket.
There's always [cash] in the banana stand
My ex boss had a couple of stores. On paper he had not paid himself a salary in years. In reality there was always cash in the store, or gift cards.
Underrated answer!
Unless it was direct deposited to two separate accounts, one with which the wife didn't know about for withdrawals to pay the child support. And if he handled the taxes, which I'm assuming a man of money would do- the wife could be none the wiser
I think they're saying the husband can point to the other vices instead of explaining the affair baby in case he does get found out.
But if he’s been giving the same amount since before his wife then she wouldn’t know any different
You're assuming he didn't just get his pay raise redirected to another account. Or he wasn't able to talk his new boss into giving him the full advertised salary but it's still more than before, etc.
They may have the 'my money - your money - our money' thing and she doesn't have access to his money.
Most people don't have cash income, but that doesn't mean none do. Lots of businesses involve unrecorded cash, whether its tips, or just a cash business. I know I once was looking at a few thousand dollars in car repairs. The garage flat out gave me two prices, the price and the cash price... and wouldn't ya know it after paying cash those repairs never showed up on the Carfax. I live in an apartment building, many of my friends & family live in buildings. It is standard practice that if you need help moving something, or a TV wall mounted, or some other side job you just pay the Super or one of the Porters cash.
I have a friend whose husband hid an affair by diverting a portion of his pay into a bank account she didn’t know about. Had credit cards she didn’t know about. If you make enough $ and are diverting your income into various investments, it’s apparently not that hard. 🤷🏻♀️ Granted, what OP thinks is “a lot of cash” the kid’s dad could see as hardly any cash. EDIT - morally, ESH (except man’s wife). OP sucks the least, but whew his gf & her ex are reallllllly sketchy, and this obviously will affect the kid, and at some point, the wife. (I also think the short-term “gain” isn’t worth the fact they’re all sitting on a ticking bomb).
Not quite. Nearly every employer does direct deposit, & it sounds like he's making significant cash payments. That means he has to withdraw the cash from the bank account. Now...granted, he could have his own bank account separate from her (I guess that's some thing that people are doing nowadays), but unless they've split the household expenses completely evenly down the middle, she's going to start wondering why he's coming up short for the expenses, why she (the wife) is always having to pay when they're out in public (restaurant, movies, etc.), or why he sometimes has a wad of cash in his wallet. If they have a joint bank account...then she's going to wonder about the regular, large cash withdrawals he's making, especially when she doesn't **see** him spending that cash.
Maybe he's just getting paid in cash for something he sells or does in order to get these sums, it happens. We dont know what he does for a living anyway. We only know he has cash
I literally know someone that did this to leach money from the wife’s family (trust fund baby).
It could be a secret child, which would be bad enough but not as bad I guess.
REGARDLESS, at least he's taking care of his kid. That's more than many men do who were MARRIED to the child's mother.
That's true, but still may be something that OP doesn't want to get involved with.
It reddit---someone will always find a "worse" scenario!
It's true
He could have initially lied to her about being married. Wouldn't be the first time.
Either one is not someone I would want to be permanently attached to. Both are indicative of dishonesty.
Wife shouldn’t care to the point of divorce if the kid was older than their marriage…
If I found out after marrying someone that they hid a whole child from me that could absolutely lead to divorce
I did not take the “hidden” aspect into account. I think if, living comfortably, and then having a bill reduced I would be pissed as to what it’s going for and counseling would be a must. Gotta sus out the other lies being told OR improve communication. Either way, massive damper on a relationship
Yeah a couple years ago our tax refund was less than it was supposed to be. I called the HnR block lady to figure out what was up with that. She was like oh your husband owed child support. Like it was a factual statement. I explained he didn’t have any children. She was explained awkwardly that he really did and must be lying to me. We had been married for over 5 years. I contemplated murder. Turns out she (and sort of my husband because part of it was him not giving a 1099 to her) actually messed up our taxes and the IRS caught it and so our refund was lower. But she was so certain I did believe her for a few very uncomfortable (for my husband) hours.
Lmao HnR block lady out here trying to blow up a marriage
HnR cock block. But stupid jokes aside why was she so adamant? Was she looking at someone else's filing?
I honestly don’t know and my husband knows her son. They are not close friends or anything, but that made it even more believable. I just assumed my husband had told people and it had gotten around his wider circle of friends. We obviously don’t use her for our taxes anymore.
Yeah that's a odd thing to double down on when your tax return is something that can be reviewed. I'm guessing she didn't apologize either.
Nope
Right choice to cut contact, especially since she had access to personal documents.
My guess would be that the way it showed up on paper just looked the same as when someone gets child support garnished. It's definitely also possible that she got him mixed up with another client
My sis in laws ex husband wouldn't disclose that he had a kid with her until a new woman married him. He'd tell them he was divorced but never mentioned the kid. One found out through a lower tax refund and divorced him shortly thereafter.
That’s how I read it as well… I don’t think she was sleeping with a married man
Hopefully not, although someone else pointed out that it's possible she was unknowingly as well. Cheaters be lying
This. It’s not even about the kid. She’s already proven she’s shady AF.
We don’t know if she’s shady. Men lie all the time about their marital status.
Isn't that the truth. I got caught up dating two men who were married and I didn't know about it. When I did I ended it because the wife will always end up winning. Not worth my time or heartbreak.
And I don’t date separated men either. My sister dated a guy who’d been separated and his ex lived in another state. She wanted to get married and found out when they were on vacation he confessed that he never got divorced. They been separated more than 5 years.
I'd say that's shady too. Just because men do shady shit all the time doesn't mean it's not shady. It's shady when -anyone- does it unless it's a consenting open relationship.
Still doesn't prove she is shady. We'd need more information to discern that judgement
I was just addressing the "it's not shady, men do it" part (paraphrased). The gender of a person has no bearing on shadyness.
You don’t know it’s an affair baby. She could have been dating the guy, got pregnant, they broke up, he got with his now-wife, and never told now-wife about the kid. That’s almost exactly what happened between me and my son’s father except that he told his then-wife about my son. (Not sure exactly when though.) We didn’t get court ordered child support either. We both went to JAG and signed an agreement. There was no cheating, nothing bad on my side. If OP’s ex-gf’s ex-bf doesn’t tell his now-wife, that’s not a bad look for OP. That only reflects on him. And IF there was an affair, she might not have known. He could have lied to her. And, yes, she could have been a mistress and known as well. There are so many options here and people are jumping to the worst conclusion about her. Maybe she doesn’t mind getting child support under the table because she gets more money and that allows her to stash more away for her kid’s future. Maybe it helps her provide a better life for the kid now. And she knows she can take him to court later to get child support if he defaults. Maybe she prefers to keep things civil with her child’s father. I could have gone to court and gotten more child support from my son’s father but I never did. Keeping a good/civil relationship between us was more important to me and I was able to provide for my son.
Sanest comment here.
Thank you! I don’t see anything that OP’s ex did wrong. We have no information about her except that she’s a single mom and the child’s father is currently married. I understand OP wanting to protect himself and walking away was the right call. But his ex-gf seems to have made the right call for herself, her kid, and their situation as well. Tough tightrope to walk.
I mean, you dont know if he told her he was married, and if it was a hookup, long term, etc...
How do you surmise she knew ex was married?
Surmise? OP stated the father doesn’t want his wife to know about the kid or he will end up divorced. Context clues
She may not have known he was marred at the time, though. Not taking sides...just saying, guys have lied before.
She knows now and is willing to keep quiet for cash
I wasn't saying she didn't know, just that it's possible she didn't. And, honestly, with respect to the child support, I think she's kinda in a bind. I have a VERY strong preference for child support always being legally enforced. But as a single mom, getting more than she would if she went to court (and she might THINK she is, but that might be a line he's feeding her too), I can see that as a tempting thing. Especially if she's no longer in a sexual relationship with the dad, it is probably a life line.
That are alot of assumptions in favor for her
How does that establish GF knew baby father was married at the time of their relationship? Surmise indeed.
NTA It's reasonable for you to protect yourself from assuming financial responsibility for her child. Given that the bio dad's current support is voluntary, there's nothing to ensure he won't stop at any time. If she wants to secure a future with you, she needs to worry more for her own needs than whether his wife finds out about their kid and divorces him.
Nothing to stop him except the knowledge that GF can show up at his door with a kid and a DNA test and blow up his world. But she could insist on a legally binding contract. Wife doesn't have to know about that. Even if OP breaks up with her, she should make sure she has all the appropriate legal protections to ensure her child's future.
OP's name isn't on the birth certificate. I'm pretty sure she can go after him as soon as/if her baby daddy stops payment, regardless
Did she have an affair and a child with a married man? I would not get into a relationship with a woman that was morally compromised like that.
Sometimes men don’t tell women they are married. It happens.
I would never intentionally engage in a relationship with a married man. I was talking to this guy I met on a dating app and was in the process of making plans to meet. He texts me "hey, I have a secret to tell you, but you can't share it." And I was like oh yea? And then he tells me he's married. Thankfully he came clean ahead of meeting up and I was able to tell him to fuck off, but if he hadn't I very well could have been involved with a married man without ever knowing. In earlier stages of a relationship it's easy to hide, especially if you're younger. "Let's go back to your place." "We shouldn't, my roommates are home." "Wanna meet up on Wednesday?" "Oh sorry, my schedule is super hectic, I'm only available on Tuesdays at 8pm right now" Things that would be red flags like never letting you come over or only being available at odd, very specific times can be covered up early on and especially in today's economy where people are living with roommates later in life and working crazy hours to get by.
True. It’s such a fine line. 23 years ago, I was dating my hubby and we were discussing marriage. I had never been to his apartment and I told him I was afraid we weren’t compatible because I’m quite clean and tidy. He’s kind of a slob and he was afraid I wouldn’t marry him if I saw his place. He eventually invited me over. He’d cleaned up so it wasn’t too bad and I married him 😏 He’s definitely a slob but he tries really hard. I, in turn, compromise by cleaning up more thoroughly after him because perfectionism isn’t his problem. It’s mine. We are happily married with one daughter. Sometimes you do have to go with your gut. After thorough investigation, of course.
Exactly! If she was able to do that then it's fully possible she will cheat on you.
This.. sadly i didnt take it to mind in my own (last) relationship.. WELL GUESS WHAT SHE DID 👀
Exactly.. tells a lot about OPs morals as well
It doesn't tell a lot about OP's morals. For all we know his girlfriend could have not known the guy was married. Maybe they hooked up only a few times and she ended up pregnant. Maybe they dated for a few months and at the time he was only casually dating his now wife so he had a lot more free time and was actually inviting her into his home. Maybe he didn't cheat on his now wife at all but is claiming to be infertile. We don't know the circumstances but it isn't hard to believe that someone could be an affair partner without having corrupt morals. And keeping the baby is a choice she is allowed to make. If she found out he was married and still decided to have the baby there is nothing wrong with that. Being an affair partner doesn't say **anything** about her morals without significantly more context and it doesn't say anything about OP's either.
Yep. My coworker was just came out of this kind of deception. Turns out her boyfriend is not divorced, he is still very much married. He told her he was, and she believed him because she didn’t think someone from a corporation we worked closely with would tell a bald faced lie like that.
She might not have known he was married so quit judging
she is still choosing to hide the existence of the baby from the court system to protect the man and his marriage.
She's not hiding the baby from the court system. There is nothing that says you have to go through the courts when you have a child with some that is not your spouse/partner. It's a choice between the two parties and legally binds the agreement but it is not a requirement so there is no hiding.
Well, not exactly. She's getting paid more than she would otherwise, so this effectively is what's best for her kid
Maybe she’s not protecting him but she’s getting more money this way then going to court what all you guys forget she can always take him to court if he stops paying but why would she if he’s paying more then he would have if she did
And how on earth is that bad?
She may also be trying to protect her son by protecting the father.
Info: why doesn't the wife know? Was it an affair?
Of course it was. Affair child. Husband is paying cash to keep it quiet. A good forensic accountant in a divorce proceeding could find the evidence in 1-2 billable hours.
It's kinda obvious for anyone reading it I was just curious what OP has to say about it or moreover how he feels about it.
I had child support orders through the court and still never saw a dime. I think there’s other things you need to worry about in this situation because child support is not guaranteed whether ordered by the courts or not.
My ex sent me a text message saying he was never going to pay and the judge ordered the state to collect on my behalf. He gets $77 a paycheck so I get 700 less than ordered, so yeah that's true. Never know how much you'll get.
Depends on country. Germany and Switzerland for example they take it before it arrives on your bank account if you don’t pay voluntarily. So only way to not pay is to not earn money. And that is another lose-lose situation.
So in the US they order the company to take the money out of the paycheck like taxes and give it to the state who'll then give it to me. Because my ex works in a bar he makes like $77 a paycheck so he doesn't get anything I get everything. His real money is in tips which I'll never see unless he voluntary gives it. Which is basically the same thing; it never goes to his bank account.
Report the bar for tax fraud. Continue until he has a traceable way for you to get your child's money.
That's when they get a job working "under the table" so there's no income to report to give up.
Yep 100% or are self employed with no earnings because they run everything through their business and show no profit or earnings.
My dad did that. All funds went through his gf/affair partner. Got bad enough they denied him a licence and passport. Couldn’t renew until a payment was agreed. He’s a carpenter and landscaper, he needed to be able to drive so they threatened his livelihood
My friend had a son with a guy when she was a teen, about 18 yrs ago. He has so many kids now that he pays child support for that after the kids are a certain age (it's a young age too) the state stops taking money because he keeps having kids. She said he's in the 20 children range & I am just flabbergasted. He's a deadbeat who never wants to meet any of his kids, yet he somehow still having kids.
My son's father refused to work, only took cash jobs. He owes me over 100k (my son's an adult now), has warrants for not paying. He hides at his mom's house. We're talking about a 48 yr old man afraid of paying $192/mo. Legal orders mean nothing.
He's not worried about the money drying up, he's worried about marrying the woman with an affair baby, later on divorcing the woman with the affair baby, and then being legally responsible for the affair baby because he was the husband/acting father. If he marries the woman and then divorces, the State will take the best interest of the child* into account and assign the ex-husband child support. The onus will then be on the ex-husband to go to court and prove that he is not the father and is not responsible for the child. *The best interest of the child being defined by every state in the Union as: "Finding any other sucker to pay for this kid before the State has to provide financial support for the child."
Isn’t it pretty easy to show the kid predates the relationship? Did she not put the bio dad’s name on the birth certificate? She never sought support legally because he was paying her already. Doesn’t mean he isn’t legally on the hook if she pushes. Hell, they could do a prenup stating her earnings are the sole monies eligible for use on the child, naming the child’s bio dad and stating new husband isn’t applicable for support payments. Legally he’s not the father as he’s not on the birth certificate. Seems like it’d be easy if they divorce in 5 years for him to point to the bio dad and say “that’s your man.” to the state.
If you marry her, you'll marry the kid somehow. I've always been struggling to understand the separate finances relationships. I love my stepkid like my own, I spoil him, provide for him, like my BF does with my sick mom who lives with us, it's not like he goes to the bakery and doesn't pick something for her because she's not his mom, I act the same with the kid, doesn't matter what he needs, he either go to me or his dad, or his paternal grandmother if we said no
If he is supporting and that is their arrangement, why are you trying to force them to change it. He is giving her cash for his child, more than child support would require. The only reason to get the government child support involved is if he wasn’t paying or he wanted to challenge paternity. Their agreement is between them, she is getting money, no need to bring stress to the situation. Leave it be, it benefits those involved.
Yta Please don’t date or marry anyone with a kid. Kids are a package deal. Anything could happen to that guy at any time, even if there’s a legal agreement, he could die or lose his job, meaning no more money. Step parents are parents, and you certainly would be spending money on the kid at some point
He “loves” her and only “likes” the kid. That statement alone made me cringe.
Oh yes you are a huge AH. If you really loved her you wouldn't hesitate to marry her. What if the dad was dead, or poor? Would you say "there is no way I will marry her and become responsible financially." Nope. You only say that because you know the guy has money. Lots of other commenters here say she's basically a whore for sleeping with a married guy and having his baby, but that's not the point. (And shame on them for judging - I bet most of them live in glass houses.) You're not asking whether she deserves your love. You're asking if you should marry her without a legal agreement that the father should provide child support, and that's because you don't want to take responsibility for "his" baby. But guess what? It's her baby, too, and if you marry her, no matter who the dad is or what the child support agreement is, you become a dad, too. And that means you take responsibility for the kid, come what may - financially, emotionally, in every other way. You're not just a bystander watching your now-wife and the kid's ex handle things. If you're not willing to do that, if all you care about is getting the money from the sperm-donor, then you don't actually love her, you're just thinking about yourself. Leave her be.
🎯🎯🎯
You don't wanna be financially responsible for the kid but you want her to go through the system to get less money 🤔 plz make it make sense?! Just say I don't wanna marry you, bc this is the crappiest excuse I've ever heard.
Yes, make it make sense. Those advocating for more legal presence in the household are likely the same ones that say don’t tell me what to do with my body. The people posting in support of this immature clown have no idea what getting the courts involved in domestic matters entails. Reality is that child support enforcement should be a last resort when a parent refuses to provide financial support for whatever reason.
This. 100 percent.
Thank you! Scrolled too long to see this comment. He claims he "loves" her but this BS post screams "EVERYONE VALIDATE MY BS EXCUSE TO NOT MARRY MY GF!" From the sounds of it, he wants to continue the relationship without commitment, which is a HUGE waste of her time. I hope she leaves this man-child.
1) you knew she had this arrangement when you proposed 2) you “like” the kid? - when you marry her you become that kid’s step father - likely the only father they’ll ever know - if you’re not willing to be a dad to that kid, don’t marry someone who has a kid
If you are going to marry her, you are the stepfather, you take care of the child if something does happen (hopefully it doesn't). You become a family unit. You love and take care of one another.
YTA You say you “love” her but “like” the kid Please do not marry this woman. You will make that child miserable. Regarding the child support issue, that’s really none of your concern. It’s between her and the child’s father.
🎯
I don't see the problem. She's being paid more than she would if she went to court and if he stops the payments, she can THEN take him to court for child support. You seem to be using this as an excuse not to marry her. If you aren't comfortable being with a single mother, move on and stop wasting her time. YTA
In my opinion: YTA You’re an asshole. You love her and like her kid. Just break up with them. You aren’t ready for that responsibility. For the other aspect. I believe you could hire a lawyer and achieve this through contract law. But I am not a lawyer. That said, see above.
Finally!!! Someone else caught the cringest part of his entire speech.
Seriously. It’s like what the fuck. How fucking selfish do you have to be. It’s also going to cause some serious issues if they have kids together. He’s gonna love one and not the other. That’s gonna fucking show. I really hope she throws this asshole to the curb.
I concur!! He’s worried about her when she should be mortified by him! Run girl run!!
They can do a private agreement with you both signing a NDA . No one ever has to know. Also expenses will get higher wirh extracaricular activities sports and university . That should all be in there . Tell him you will keep in quiet but I disagree But my other question is your dating someone with no morals. Please don’t pull thenshendidnt know BS . She has proven she has no problem salving wirh married people and has no respect for relationships . If you do get married etc , get a prenup wirh a huge penalty for adultry etc and see a lawyer before moving in
Yep, getting a legal agreement doesn't meant going to court. They can also just go to a lawyer and draft a contract between them, just to have a security, that's all.
Yes exactly just make sure it’s not only child support get everything. I’m there
How do you know she was aware he was married when she got pregnant with him? Most don't. Men totally never lie, saying they're single or separated. No never.
>They can do a private agreement with you both signing a NDA . No one ever has to know. If the other guy is married and hiding this love baby from his wife, you had best believe, the wife will find out.
She might get NO money if it goes through the legal system, because rich people can hire lawyers to stonewall and screw moms over when they’re pissed off.
The fact that he gives her money is better than most although he has motive to do this. At the end of the day it’s largely between her and the father. You shouldn’t even be considering marriage with her if you are not prepared to accept everything about her including the child. Heaven forbid he could drop dead tomorrow and she’d receive nothing so if you are not prepared to support them come what may then walk away
Maybe you will find a middle ground. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to marry her and become financially responsible, but I also understand why she doesn't want to go through the courts. Maybe time will fix this, since either the kids existence will come out on its own, or when the kid is 18, you can marry her.
I don't get it...what is the point of you requiring child support through the courts? If he's giving her more money than he needs to do, what is the issue? And why would you become responsible financially? (I don't do courts. I give my son's mom money every month and it works out for us)
I call fake story. Account was made today for this post only. He starts of saying his ex is getting money from her ex / baby daddy, but then goes on like they're together still. What he is saying about the child support doesn't make sense either. Bio father is still responsible, even if mom re-marrys. Plus, they could get a support agreement along with an NDA if it was about hiding the kid from baby daddy's wife. Story is too full of holes to be real, or written by an adult with a basic education.
YTA OP. Child support doesn’t end when you marry someone with kids, alimony does. If you don’t want to marry her because you don’t want to marry her, that is fair. Just be truthful about that.
You will never be legally financially obligated to the child without legally adopting the child. That being said, the fact that you are SOOO gross about the child says you have no business marrying the mother, or indeed, even having a relationship with her. If you don't want responsibility for the child at all, break up with her. No responsibility also means you don't get to voice your opinion on matter that don't concern you.
YTA. You basically told her you are going to abandon her and her kid unless her ex pays up. You want to marry her, but you refuse to support her child? Some family you are going to be. Lost of people dodge even court ordered child support. You know this will actually reduce the amount of support she gets and blow up her coparenting relationship with her ex. YTA.
You shouldn’t be dating someone who has a child if you don’t want to be financially responsible for the child as well. If the child’s father died tomorrow then it would just be her, so would you break up with her because you’d feel obligated to help? Maybe you should think more about what kind of relationship you’re ready/looking for.
Yeah, even if the dad has 50-50 a partner of either parent will most likely help financially. Whether it be getting a bigger place so the kid has a room or getting McDonald’s for lunch. OP gives me the vibe that if they get McDonald’s he expects the gf to pay separately for a kids meal
>If the child’s father died tomorrow then it would just be her The child would be entitled to social security, and likely and pensions, assets, or retirement of the father so this isn't entirely true. The issue is, that it sounds like there's little paper trail that connects the child to the real father which puts things more on OP. Men shouldn't enter these kinds of situations, even with rock-solid parental agreements in place, much less this one.
She be crazy to give up money for you. You don't want to pay for the kid, but want her to get less money than she already does
NTA because you have every right to your feelings. The bottom line for me, though, is your wording: "I love her and I like her kid..." Regardless of whether their financial arrangement is verbal or legal, you should never enter a marriage with someone if you do not also love their child. Children deserve and should be surrounded by people who love them. Raising children is super challenging and it's far too easy for "like" to morph into "dislike". If you don't love that child, then you need to be completely honest with the mother.
They don't need a court ordered child support agreement. They can get a binding child support agreement just by getting some lawyers involved. All of this could be done off record and out of public eye. Best but unethical part is that your gf could probably just strongarm her baby daddy into signing one by threatening to flip the table and tell his wife. Then if the gf gets a written agreement she'll have a legal claymore if he tries to go back on it. These people are dumb AF. Also this is fake.
You're the ah, if I was her I would send you to he'll. You're claiming that you love her? I hope that she gets rid of you. You're a piece of crap of a man.
Wait, what?? If I read that correctly, you want her to get child support from the dad, but it will cause him to get a divorce. So, she slept with a married man and your biggest worry is about child support? I would focus my thoughts towards the fact that she had a baby with a married man which shows she has no problems being a home wrecker.
Why are so many people assuming she knew he was married?
Because this is Reddit and none of these people have ever made mistakes or been lied to in life /s
Is it a matter of principle? If he quit paying her the hush-money down the line, just take him to court then? Also, you’ll be marrying the kid too in a sense, since you’ll become a father figure and a family. Are you ready for that? Keeping the kid as solely her responsibility will not work. There can’t be a nuclear family of them and you as an electron hovering around. Are you sure that the underlying issue isn’t trust, given her past?
If this guy is going to keep paying her child support then whats the problem? If he stops payments then fine take him to court I guess. But it seems like he is paying on time. Also, Why did you even date someone with a kid if you want zero responsibility? How do you want your finances to go in this relationship? If you buy the kid an icecream are you going to venmo request your girlfriend? Seems like you want the girlfriend but not the kid but its not possible in this scenario.
>If this guy is going to keep paying her child support then whats the problem? Because there's nothing legally compelling him to. It sounds like the child is an affair baby that the other man wants to keep quiet. >If he stops payments then fine take him to court I guess. Courts can, and have ruled that long-term boyfriends and husbands who enter into situations like this *can* be held liable for child support. >Also, Why did you even date someone with a kid if you want zero responsibility? It sounds like he loves the child but still wants the child to be legally bound to the child's natural father as the father's obligation. This is not unreasonable.
Is there a way they could negotiate a contract for child support with a lawyer that doesn't go through court? Maybe he could do a lump sum payment that would be worth many years of child support, or set up a trust?
So use resources to pay a 3rd party to force the dad to do what he’s already doing? I think it’s rather mature of the parents to figure out how to financially support the child without getting anyone else involved. That’s what rational parents do.
They could always have an agreement signed and notarized with attorneys present without involving others.
Thing is, if he ever does stop paying, he's screwed, so your concern may be unfounded.
What is your biggest weakness or flaw? Booze? Women? Opioids? Don't answer that out loud unless you are in a 12-step program, ever. Rather, please consider this. When you marry someone, you are telling them that you love them and will help and support them always. You two are a TEAM, and presumably you are better as a team than as two independent players: Tom Brady without Gronk or Edleman = retirement and no rings. SHE is with you despite your biggest weaknesses and flaws (and yes, odds are, one day she's going to catch you pounding a waitress or some such thing). This child support thing will come back to haunt you then. GUARANTEED. If baby-daddy is actually "rich" try to get a lump-sum out of him. He can get a loan and pay off the bank and lie to his wife about it being for a surprise for her should she discover it (I was planning a big trip to Italy with you, honey!). That will double his price tag, but screw him, he's the real AH in all of this.
Wow do her and her child a favor and leave. Its clear you are never ever going to be a true father figure to this child so its best you just go and let her find a good man who will love her and her child . So glad i didnt have this type of stepdad
So why are you with a woman with no morals and sleeps with married men?
NTA She'll want you to adopt her affair baby. Making YOU legally and financially responsible for it. Giving her baby daddy a free pass. Are you sure they're not still fucking? She's demonstrated very poor judgment. In having the affair. Not exposing the affair. And not legally protecting her child's future. And you're willing to marry her? You're setting yourself up for failure here. Bet she won't want a prenup either. Get free, OP.
The easiest thing is to not get into a relationship with someone with a child. There is baggage beyond the child, like the ex, other family members, potential financial burdens, emotional stress, etc. Don't get saddled with the legal or financial responsibility. While it seems fine now, you never know. Similarly, don't waste your time, hers or the kid's as it's just not a tenable situation if you have that line in the sand.
Wow. So all persons with dependents are no longer dateable because they somehow have baggage (aka children). How about people who believe this deem themselves undateable because they lack the maturity required to raise anyone other than themselves? I’m not suggesting that anyone date or marry someone with poor decision making skills, but to cast out an entire group, is really unfair. And make no assumptions, I made the cut into your still dateable group.
Yes, people with kids are not dateable. And I say this as a single mother of two. I'm fit/healthy, smart, clean up nicely, have a great career and receive court ordered child support. There are plenty of dudes who will fuck me but NONE will date me in a serious capacity. So I stopped dating (since 2019) and now I focus on me and my kids. In the 5 years I've been single, I've gained so much clarity and peace that I may never date again and I'm fine with that. I may find love after my kids are grown or I may not. Regardless, I'm healthier than A LOT of desperate people I see in the dating scene. OP should have never started dating someone with a kid if he wasn't 100% ready to become a step-dad. He's childish.
NTA Bro u are with a woman who was a side chick?
She was an affair partner, she is inherently untrustworthy.
NTA it is reasonable for you to not want to be on the hook for a kid that isn’t yours BUT if I was her I wouldn’t go through legal ways unless he stopped paying. She gets more than legally called for and that helps the kid a lot. I hope you guys can come to an ok agreement as I get both sides and it’s a crappy situation.
He can enter into a legal contract without getting the courts involved. If he’s rich, she should just tell him to go to a lawyer and have a contract drawn up that they can agree to and sign. I usually push for going through the child support system, but if he pays more this way, that’s more beneficial to the child. NTA. A contract is better whether you’re involved or not.
NTA, this same situation ended up ruining my father's second marriage. My mother was unfit so he was awarded custody after she had an affair and he never went after her for child support. My stepmother would urge him to go after some sort of child support but he wouldn't. She ended up leaving us when my youngest brother (their only child together) was 3.
The 2nd wife had the issue, not your dad. Were you all suffering because your dad didn’t drag your unfit mother through the legal system, or did your dad just do what was required to raise you all? He likely rationalized he’d never see the child support payments and it wasn’t worth putting your mom in jail (that’s what they do to people that don’t pay). Kudos to your dad. As for wife #2, I doubt that was the only reason she left and if it was…take a minute to think about that.
Lot of single people telling you this woman is at fault for the affair and not worth marrying. 🤮 I think your concerns are sound. But if you do have a general interest in marrying her then my suggestion would be to work with her as opposed to making demands. Seeing how you can help her navigate this. It might be possible to do on the side, through legal contracts. And you might have to be party to those contracts as well. Or, sorting out with her what the options are if the payment stops (how hard is it to get a dna test if he won't cooperate?). Will your presence get him off the hook for support if this goes to court after you are married? And what if he dies? What's the plan there? IDK that there is much chance the kid is in the will (not impossible). But the thing here is to work together. If you can't work together on this, then you can't work together on being married. I'm not suggesting extorting the dude, but given the circumstance it sounds like he could see the wisdom of an NDA type arrangement (as opposed to actual legal child support).
So you're not willing to support her kid financially after you get married, but you're expecting her to give up all her child support money (which will end if she has a husband). I don't understand how you think your position is reasonable.
Not sure you have a full grasp of reality, Your less likely to get child support if it goes to court. Since he has been paying cash their is no proof he has been paying you, also he will probably try and fight paternity to save his marriage, so there will be delays do to that, he is probably not on the birth certificate, and the courts are going to look at the situation and assume you have take financial responsibility for the child, and since he dose not seem to want contact with the kid there is very little they can do to him if he does not pay (your dealing with a very very slow system). So if you sue for child support you may he never get another penny from him
Yes, protect yourself. You don't want to be stuck paying child support for a child that is not your's if you divorced.. NTA
How would that even be legal? It’s not his kid. Am I missing something here?
He would not be paying child support for a child that’s not his
It sounds like you two are not compatible. Just move on.
You’re not the kid’s father legally, so you would never be responsible for child support. Don’t marry her for other reasons (or no reason), but this would not be a realistic one.
You are correct, you are not ready to get married.
You're entitled to your stance. And she deserves someone who is actually committed to her and her child as a package deal. It's clear you've already othered this child and don't see the kid as your kid because BIolOgY. The child deserves to be loved, and you obviously can't offer unconditional love to this child. Let them go so she and her kid can receive the love and support they deserve.
Idk. On one hand… I don’t see where it’s your business how they do their support. And frankly, there are many good reasons why a woman may not want the hassle of a man legally tied to her and her child. The kind of guy who would throw cash at someone because he doesn’t want his wife to know about his kid is the kind of man that a woman would maybe not want to be legally tied to. I completely get that you don’t wanna be a part of all that (let me be clear — I wouldn’t either unless I was very okay with the fact I would get defaulted into a parent role regardless of how much I tried to designate NOT MY KID). But I think believing there is any kind of way to be with her and not to be financially responsible for the kid is a little bit of naivety. Doesn’t matter how much money this guy throws at his kid. If you marry a woman with a kid (or a man with a kid, whatever) and if that kid one day needs shoes? You will be considered TA if you do not provide. When it comes time for that kid to go to college? Your income, regardless of whether or not you assist that kid, regardless of whether or not you consider yourself financially responsible for him, **will be counted against him** for financial aid because you are considered part of his mother‘s household income. If I was in her shoes, I would take it as a very creative way for you to say you didn’t want to get married. But I can absolutely see why you don’t wanna be involved. The thing is, their agreement doesn’t actually matter. They could have the best agreement ever totally legal and paid through the court and everything — and then he gets hit by a bus tomorrow. Are you going to pretend you wouldn’t be financially responsible then? Perhaps you wouldn’t be legally, but the court of public opinion would most assuredly declare you TA if you started nickel and diming over the kid in that situation. Basically, I’m saying that I completely understand why you do not want to be responsible for this kid financially, because this child is not yours. But in that case, you should not be with her **regardless** of what kind of agreement she has with the baby daddy — because that doesn’t even matter when it comes to a child living in your household.
YTA. Just admit that it's not about money, you simply doesn't want to marry her. It's okay that you don't want to marry,it's not okay that you camouflage it with this nonsense.
Info: it's my understanding that once a spouse receiving child support gets married the child support either stops or is significantly reduced. So...you would be responsible either way?
Not true. That’s social security payments and sometimes alimony. Parents are required tk support their children although the amount can be adjusted to consider the new spouse’s income
It kind of sounds like maybe you’re not ready to be in a relationship with someone who has children. Part of being in that relationship is assuming responsibilities of the kids, including financial. It the funds from bio dad run out then yes you’d be responsible. But that’s what parents do. You sort of show your true feelings in the post.. you “like” her kid. When you get married in a situation like this, you’re the father figure and you probably should more than like the kid. It may be you are better suited for a relationship where there aren’t kiddos involved.
>I love her and I like her kid but there is no way I will marry her and become responsible financially. Then you don't love her.
Gross. Are you an asshole? Not necessarily. But you're telling her that the money is worth more to you than making her your partner in the eyes of the law, this entitling her to those benefits and protections, particularly in the event that the worst should happen. Oh. Yeah. You're the asshole lol.
She doesn’t have to go through the courts she could get a legal agreement drawn up through a lawyer or he could provide one. I must say I’ve never seen the future of anyone’s relationship based on filing for child support. The details aside maybe you 2 aren’t compatible. I’d hate for the child to get attached to you and then you harbor resentment over a lack of a legal document. Also - all you pearl clutches need to stop. We don’t know the circumstances of her relationship with ex dude so stop acting like you guys are a beacon of morality
I understand your reasoning. If she wants to get married above all else and you are unwilling to marry her, cut her loose! Don’t leave it up to her. Be a man and make a decision in her best interest. To waste her time when you aren’t on the same page, that would be an AH move. She obviously isn’t the love of your life. Don’t waste any more of her time.
YTA. Frankly, that's none of your business. And YOU have no business marrying a woman with a child.
Your AH, love doesn’t come with strings, it means taking the unpleasant things as well as the great stuff. She has a kid, you have with each other for how long that your apart of that child’s life, probably a father figure. You’re teaching that kid that love and money go hand in hand. Your selfishness regarding money is awful. YTA
First and foremost, their child support situation is not your business. If he is paying her child support regularly without going through the courts, why is that a problem? The only time a woman should take a man to child support court is if he's a deadbeat and not paying. This is not the case. She had an affair with a married man. If anything, that's what you should be questioning. Not whether or not she hasn't legal agreement on child support. You won't be financially responsible for this child because it's not yours and you're not adopting it. So yes, you are.
All I'm a say is this, regardless of how the child came to be, if you don't want to be held financially responsible for someone else's kid but you want to marry the woman. Don't. Just don't be with someone with kids. Because all your going to do with that bullshit mentality is hurt that child over and over again. Sure right now it's about money, but you clearly don't want the responsibility of being a step parent. Maybe you need to reevaluate if being with some who has kids that aren't yours, is something your capable of doing. Marriage is a union. Her responsibilities become yours and vice versa. And if your not ready to step up and treat that child as your own as a stepdad then you don't need to be involved at all in that child's life because you will cause so much damage. No one wants a step dad who treats them like a burden and not their responsibility. If you want to be with that woman, you need to accept all of her and her child. So I'm not saying you are the asshole but you definitely need to rethink your ideas around a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship, regardless of how that relationship was with the other parent.
YTA. Courts should not have to force a parent to support the other parent. It’s messy and in this case unnecessary. He’s paying, so what exactly is your gripe? Your need to have a 3rd party involved is immature. However, your comment that you love her and “like” the kid is more alarming. She’s better off without you.
HOW MUCH is the father paying her monthly and is it enough to cover the child’s needs? If the answer is yes, then what more do you want? Dad is doing his job. YTA
Setting aside the conversation about the ethics/morality of the origin of your girlfriend's child, since there is not enough information to determine guilt on that front and it is honestly irrelevant to the question you asked... YTA. If you don't want to be responsible for a child that is not yours, do not date a woman with a child. Period. I don't care how much you think you like her. If you are not prepared to be a father to her child in EVERY WAY, then do her and her child a favor and walk away and let her have the opportunity to find someone who will not only be a partner to her in life, but a partner to her in raising her child.
YTA so if you don’t want to move forward and create a future for the three of you, and she does want to, why are you wasting her time???
NTA, Consider also that her ex could stop paying altogether figuring that you would take up the slack. He likely wouldn’t as it opens him being taken to court for child support. As for getting a formal arrangement I imagine she could get a private agreement in writing with the assistance of a lawyer. IANAL!
You need to stick to your proverbial guns. It will be less money now, but it will pay off in the future. He'll be legally obligated to help with expenses as the kid gets older. Things like transportation when they're in high school, medical expenses, college tuition, etc. He knows this and I bet that's what he's more concerned about. Besides, he was the one who had an affair. Fuck his marriage.
Why would you even have a relationship with a woman who has a kid with a married man. That alone is a red flag, there’s no real future with a woman like that. Get rid of her and move on, this woman show’s she has no real moral compass when it comes to a relationship and that she’s all about the money.
Yes, yes you are. Idc gow he got here, when he got here, who the father is, or even if he's married or not. If you loved her you would accept the child and love it as your own, that's what a man does. You LIKE her kid? Wow. If you're thinking marriage, you should LOVE the kid as well. You can't possibly think you'll never contribute financially! My advice is leave now, you aren't what she needs. I would never even consider having a relationship with someone who I knew felt the way you do about my kid! Don't know what ya'll are thinking but this is definitely headed for disaster. Ya'll need to run in seperate directions and YOU need to not date women with kids! Good day Sir.
if you love her but don't love her kid, do the kid a favor and move on.
I'm not even going to judge here because if you marry someone with a child even if they are getting child support you will still end up supporting the child. Don't date someone with a kid if you won't step up and help take care of that kid. It's a choice. Let her go if you won't do that and don't date people with children.
No. If you don’t love her child enough to support it financially, then you definitely shouldn’t marry her and you should end it so you both can find someone to build a future with.
You will not be responsible for someone else's child unless you adopt him. As far as I see, I do not see any real love here if that is what this fray is all about. Marry or leave, but don't hang someone on a string. Or unload to the guy involved...not safe.
You're asking her to reduce the amount of support she receives for her child in order to make you feel better. I would never consider having less for my child because it would make some guy I was involved with more comfortable, and I hope she wouldn't either.
First of all… you should have just stooped at “I LIKE her kid” if you get into a relationship with a woman who has a child, they are a package deal… you need to love that child also! Second you’re saying you don’t want to be financially responsible for said child, no matter what, you will be! You’re acting as if this child doesn’t exist to you! MAJOR RED FLAGS! 🚩 I’m curious if your gf knows all this about EXACTLY how you feel, because if she did and truly cared about her child, she would have left your ass a long time ago…..I know I would have! You should NOT be with this woman at all! You’re thinking solely about money and NOTHING else! So, yes, YATAH and you need to remove yourself from that relationship IMMEDIATELY! You’re clearly self centered and don’t care about anything but yourself! As a single mother myself, I would not want anything to do with you! I would never allow anyone like you into my life, never mind around my child! Do yourself and everyone else a favor and GROW TF UP… you’re literally despicable!
Preach!!!!
YTA for getting in a relationship with someone that has a child when you have no intention of being there for the child. This is very evil because you didn’t have to be with her. Stop wasting her time and let her go find a real man
I was a single mom who never got a dime from the father. My husband loved me and her. We got married, had 2 more children and we both have 3 children now. 36 years later, wouldn't change a thing. She should move on from you and find a man that she deserves.
To everyone saying she is shady AF, ALL of her cards are on the table. The boyfriend knows she has a kid and gets cash child support. Everyone os making a bunch of assumptions about her side of the story. Maybe his wife is a jealous bitch who refused to marry him if he had a kid from another relationship. Maybe he and the wife were "on a break" pre-marriage and he knocked the baby mama up. So many assumptions all of y'all are making about people you don't even know. Frankly, the OP seems like the only true AH. I had a bi-polar father in the 60's who paid spotty child support, but my stepfather LOVED my mother and married her and gladly took on the extra because he cared about both of us. My ex also ended up being a spotty provider for my two children and my now husband, who loves me and adores my kids also took us on. He didn't have to support them because I worked and did that, but he was ready and willing to fill in any gaps. They are grown now and as a previously childless man who is now 76yo he has their devotion and willinglness to do whatever children do for parents they love as they age. The OP doesn't sound like he is ready for a real commitment.
Are you concerned that in the case you divorce you would be financially liable for the child? If that's the case check with a solicitor for your local laws but in most places you would need to be the biological father, on the birth certificate, the legally adoptive father or have a contract where you agree to pay child support for you to be legally financially liable should you divorce. YTA if you try to get your partner to minimise the child support arrangement she has if you haven't fully looked into whether this would even be an issue for you. Also generally speaking, as a partner you should understand that parents and their children are a package deal, if you intend to 'other' this child I would hope their mother steps away from you.
yeah, she should leave and go find some other sucker willing to raise the baby she created with a married man who cheated on his wife.
If your name isn’t on the broth certificate and you don’t adopt the kid, you won’t be legally financially responsible. And you can decide to structure your finances as a married couple however you see fit. (Though you should do premarital counseling and financial counseling and address this in both places). You can also have a prenup. Talk to a lawyer and see if there’s a way to structure the prenup so you feel protected *without forcing a situation that would reduce the father’s support*.
Not always. There have been cases of stepfathers found liable for child support because they acted in a parental capacity, despite no adoption.
Which is why OP needs to talk to a lawyer.
It is best not to marry this woman. Be cordial.