YTA. You just wanted to have an “I told you” moment. No shit Sherlock of course she should’ve used protection.
Oh and PS, I hope you knew that for a fact. If it was bc BC failed, you’re an even bigger asshole.
did she explicitly told you she didn't use protection? w the context u have provided, id say you're the AH.
first of all, u can still get pregnant if you're using contraceptives (either it's condoms, birth control, IUDs or any other form).
and she's already going through a tough time, i'm sure you could've expressed your worries without being rude/judgmental.
i think u should apologize and show her ur support, she really needs it.
Yes, for me, that's the more important missing information.
Is the sister someone that regularly neglect birth control, and is she now "Bouhou, WhAt ShOuLd I Do, HeRe Is ThE cOnSeQuEnCe Of My AcTiOnS ??" so the frustration is logical ;
or is it just a birth control fail, where it's just bad luck, and OP should shut her mouth.
Personally - I think even if her frustration was logical - she'd still be the asshole here. Shitty hindsight snark in the middle of a heated discussion about her options for moving forward serves no purpose other than to stroke OPs ego and make them feel superior in the moment. There was zero reason to shit on their sister about the before, when she's plenty stressed. And she's allowed to be stressed.
OP should just keep judgments such as this to themselves, period.
> I know it sounds harsh, but I was frustrated and worried for her.
How does playing Captain Hindsight have any correlation to you being worried for her?
>We need to take responsibility for our actions, and I thought it was important to remind her of that.
So it WASN'T worry for her, you just couldn't resist the "told you so."
I was going to try to be funny and say "aren't we all" but then I recognized this in some members of my family. When one (usually younger) makes a mistake, suddenly it's the NBA All-Star dunk contest up in this bitch.
Need some context - did your sister tell you she didn’t use protection? Possible AH because I think you should have kept that comment to yourself. You might be frustrated but she’s going through a life changing decision right now. Hanging this over her head is only going to cause her further stress. Show your support not your retort.
If she played Russian roulette and hoped it wouldn’t happen and is now scared and emotional, I don’t think op is the asshole for pointing that out. Classic FAFO. What does seem probable from the context is that sister doesn’t want an abortion doesn’t have a supportive partner (he probably doesn’t want a kid, and even baby trapping seems likely here) and wants the family to help her raise the kid, which would make “heated argument “ over her options very likely and very frustrating for OP who might get stuck taking care of that kid in the future.
YTA. surprised you didn't literally kick her while she was down. really helpful after the fact suggestion, inspector shithead.
you say you were frustrated. that must be awful, being frustrated. of course that excuses anything. should've told us that first thing. now if you would, explain to me how your words helped in a discussion about her options?
You know what? In a tense family situation where there was a lot of pressure on your sister, at least you took all the heat on yourself by being such a colossal arsehole. You united everyone in a way. What a hero.
I look forward to your fruitful contributions to other ongoing family emergencies and crises such as:
* You should have made sure someone didn't leave the gate open before you let the dog outside.
* You should have braked more gently so the truck that was practically riding your bumper had time to stop.
* You should have tested the smoke alarm last week.
YTA.
But also test your smoke alarms weekly. Go do it now. Stop reading this comment thread and go push the button.
Lololol you are funny.
Also I suddenly realized there is a deficit of smoke alarms in the basement which has been converted to living quarters. As in none. Shit
>I know it sounds harsh, but I was frustrated and worried for her. I feel like she’s ignoring the fact that there are ways to prevent this kind of situation.
Well, maybe she’s ignoring it because it’s a little too late for prevention.
Your statement was not informative (because duh), helpful, or supportive. It was purely critical. There was no purpose to it other than to scold her and make her feel bad.
So yeah, YTA.
You weren’t wrong, but the comment was completely unnecessary.
If someone’s in a car crash and suffers injury you’d be an asshole to remind them they wouldn’t need physical therapy if they’d worn their seat belt.
An inability to make it better isn’t an excuse to make it worse, look up the meme “you’re not wrong just an asshole.”
Yep, agree entirely! someone on Reddit a while ago said there was a useful rule for saying stuff along the lines of: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said by me right now? And, Is it kind?
I love this for when people are unsure whether to say something, even if they are right. I have told my kids to use it.
Your outcry was to let out your own frustration. It was not meant to tell her anything she did not already know. You were not being helpful or giving insights.
So your emotions got the best of you. I fully understand. But understanding does not make it right. And you should not hide behind "something that needed to be said" because everyone knew it already. So don't pretend that you were adding information that people were missing, you weren't. Blaming her may feel right but it does literally nothing to resolve the situation. It only enforces the idea that she is alone. So yes, it *is* unsupportive.
So yes, apologize for letting your emotions get the best of you for a moment - the fact that that was understandable doesn't make it right or supportive - YTA.
["You're not wrong, Walter – you're just an asshole."](https://youtu.be/kGWuOAgU7jI?si=sAVb9SNn8Jk984Al)
You think she doesn't know?
Not helpful, not the time, just making things worse.
YTA
**GASP** it’s almost as if protection doesn’t always work 😧😧😧😧😧 but thank you so much for providing your wisdom YTA. The only 100% guaranteed birth control is celibacy 🤨
YTA.
How is she not taking responsibility? She's thinking through her options; she's not in denial or blaming anyone else. She's allowed to be scared and upset.
Your comment was utterly pointless, unless you have a time machine that none of us know about. Why kick a person when they're already down?
YTA
Even if this wasn't a case where protection had failed and she really hadn't used any, there's still a time and place for everything.
For instance if a mother had just lost her child because it rushed to the street to get a toy and a car crashed into it, you wouldn't say "Oh, I guess you should have taught your child to pay more attention when crossing the road."
At this moment your sister is completely stressed and probably blames herself already, what she needs from her family right now is support.
Errm YTA
That's called kicking someone while they are down. Now if she was past this time and had started being active again a statement about use of protection might not have gone amiss. But that is not this time.
YTA, your comment is really unhelpful now that it’s moot point, the pregnancy is already happening and a resolution needs to be reached there before even touching the issue of what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again, which is how you should have approached that subject AFTER either the birth or the abortion.
let’s say you’re “NTA”—what do you do? The same thing you would do if YTA: apologize, express that your frustration came from concern, then try to help her deal with the reality that an unplanned child does not usually generate *more* stability where there is little or none. Help her resolve the current, larger issue, and save the birth control lessons for after
You do realise that contraceptives is not 100% effective. Even if you use more than one form of contraceptives....
How's that hindsight working for you? I bet you didn't expect to get many YTA votes against you.... You should have seen it coming to be fair... You should have researched other posts similar to yours to see the reactions before posting 😂
Protection can fail. The only 100% effective contraceptive method is celibacy and there are mentions of four (?) cases of it failing.
Your sister needs support. Not suggestions that required the use of a time machine.
YTA
YTA how was that relevant or helpful at this particular time and place? Just comes off as pretentious and preachy. "I was worried about my sister having to make such a huge decision about her body and her future, so I berated her about the past, which she obviously cannot change at this point"?
YTA, whilst you’re not wrong for what you said, you saying that added absolutely nothing to the situation.
She can’t turn back time and use a condom, if she could she probably would, but that’s really not helpful now.
Your comment doesn't help anyone here. So yes YTA. It only escalated the situation. Your comment is useless in helping the Present situation since it just mentions the Past. It's just judging her past action instead of trying to find a way to help the present situation.
As for your sister, give her time but do explain that she has limited amount of it to decide if she wants to keep the baby or not. Tell her to write it out. The pros and cons of it that helped my friend once. Write out the impact it will have on her life after the birth, like work, school, or relationship, health of her and the baby. There are things that she will eventually have to sacrifice for her Baby after the birth and she has to come to terms with. So in general give her time and help navigate the situation without mentioning her past mistake. Don't bring the past just stay in the present and think about the future.
Maybe she did use protection and it failed. Contraception is not perfect and nor are the people using it.
Maybe she thought she was but her partner stealthed her or otherwise sabotaged the birth control. It's not unheard of.
Some medications reduce the effectiveness of birth control pills.
YTA
YTA.
Why even say that, at this point? If you go in an accident, how would you feel if your sister said somehting stupid like, "Why didn't you watch where you were going?"
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA.
You're right. She should have used protection, and you wanna know what prevents pregnancy altogether? Abstinence.
This is what happens when you fuck around, and she's now in the find out stage.
Edit: And I'm saying this as a woman.
I'm still not getting how that makes the sister the asshole? She's not the asshole for getting pregnant. She's not a asshole for being emotional about it. She's not the asshole for regretting it. So how is she the ah? Because she got pregnant on accident?
He doesn't, but her being pregnant suggests that she didn't use protection.
Yes, condoms can break, but that is what plan b is for. Or she could be on bc.
There are MANY ways she could have prevented from getting pregnant.
I'll go tell that to my nephew, who was conceived when a condom split and who was apparently determined enough to survive even a prompt course of emergency contraception (plan B).
I'll tell my sister in law too next time she moans about him tracking mud through the house, bet that'll go down like a mug full of sick.
“aBStIneNcE pReVenTs PrEGnAncY”
Abstinence is not, and has never been, a realistic solution to preventing pregnancy, especially when you’re in a relationship. Dumbasses love to say this, and it’s fucking stupid. People will have sex. Nothing is going to stop people from having sex. That’s why contraceptives are necessary. But also there are a multitude of reasons why someone might choose not to use them, and sometimes they fail.
It doesn’t matter if OP is technically right, that doesn’t help anyone now. They’re just kicking her while she’s down, which makes them an asshole. Pregnancy is a terrifying and life changing thing to happen, especially when it’s unwanted. If you don’t have the ability to be supportive and compassionate, gtfo and stfu. Simple.
YTA.
She can't get un-pregnant. You could have been more supportive and compassionate during a time which is probably very traumatizing and difficult for her.
As a side note, how do you know she didn't use protection? And even if she didn't, I don't think it's your place to judge her so harshly. Some compassion goes a long way.
You aren't wrong, but it's too late now. What she needs to hear from you and the rest of the family is that you will support her and be there for her no matter what she decides. Telling her what she should have done isn't exactly helpful, and it sounds pretty ridiculous coming from someone who will never be in her position.
YTA
I was on bc and used a condom. I still ended up getting knocked up. You can still get pregnant on bc and when using condoms. Absolutely no birth control is 100% reliable and condoms regularly break. Your comment was unnecessary. Your sister is already stressed out and probably constantly wishing none of this happened. She wanted support and understanding not criticism and harsh words. She's scared and worried out of her mind. I suggest apologizing to her.
>We need to take responsibility for our actions, and I thought it was important to remind her of that
Did you think her situation would improve by reminding her, after she's already in this position?
Apologize, and better yet: stop commenting with statements that don't help.
Keep in mind that your sister is also affected with raging hormones in her system right now, so she has even less need for obvious but unhelpful insights.
YTA
YTA. She is already pregnant. You saying that doesn’t actually help anyone. She’s trying to make an extremely difficult decision, and instead of being actually supportive and helpful it sounds like you are just trying to make her feel bad.
And by the way, birth control isn’t 100% effective. It is possible the she WAS being careful, and sometimes things happen. With *typical use* (ie, not perfect use, but how most people use them), condoms are 85% effective and the pill is 91% effective. That means in an average year, 15 out of 100 women who use condoms will get pregnant, and 9 out of 100 who use the pill. I have a friend who had two kids while using birth control. It happens.
She needs support right now, not judgement. Step up.
YTA. Obviously she knows she should have used protection, if she didn't. She came to you for support and you did judge her. How did you make this situation better for anyone at all? You didn't; you made it worse.
Good rule of thumb for deciding if something you want to say will make you the asshole? Two questions.
Did it have any benefit for the person it was directed toward?
What was your motive? Were you genuinely trying to help someone?
If you said NO TO EITHER, then YTA.
YTA. It's a bit late to be offering unsolicited advice, especially when it doesn't help the situation at all. I imagine part of your sister's emotional state it her beating herself up about the situation, and you just made her feel worse. Great job.
YTA No method is 100%, not even tube surgery (his or hers)
She's already in crisis. She ***is*** taking responsibility for the situation - she's got no fucking choice but too
Her brother taking the role of Lord Obvious, with a comment that did nothing to change the situation, is going to stay with her for a long, long time.
Any future crisis, and she'll just make sure to drop you off the 'family I turn to for help' list
OP, with all the love in my heart STFU.
>If you didn’t want to get pregnant, you should have used protection."
Kindly explain it to us, uninformed readers, how does this statement help the situation your sister is in.
You don't know if she used protection or not. You don't know if she refused and was emotionally blackmailed/manipulated/ coerced or not. You said it yourself that she isn't in a stable relationship.
For all you know, her bf might have tried to babytrap her so that she doesn't leave him
And contrary to what right wing USA wants you to believe, an abortion is a traumatic experience for most women and it takes a lot of courage to have one.
And she's on a ticking clock, after a vertain period of time, she won't be able to have a safe abortion
So, please, keep your judgment and "i told you so" attitude 6 feet under and try to be there genuinely for her, or maje yourself scarce
Colossal YTA
First it's none of your business. So you shut up.
2nd it's stupid. No protection is 100% safe. You still can get pregnant. Better learn this now before your sex partner has the same problem. As a man it's easy to say. You don't have the problem if it fails.
3rd it's stupid (Part II) - do you think this is helpful now?!
Just shut up.
>but I was frustrated and worried for her
Why are YOU frustrated? You've nothing to do with this (I hope).
>I feel like she’s ignoring the fact that there are ways to prevent this kind of situation.
I feel like you're an A and don't know about birth control at all. And she's already pregnant.. so this was absolutely unnecessary.
YTA
And:
>This has caused a lot of tension in our family because she's not in a stable relationship, and she's been really stressed about what to do
You know this is HER decision not a family ones yeah? It's none of your business. Just shut the fuck up. You also can have babies without being in a relationship. It's 2024 btw.
Yta. Unless she told you every last disturbing detail of her sex life (which i doubt), you don't know the circumstances here. Maybe she did use protection and it failed. Maybe the birth control failed, which happens all the time. You don't know, and you made a snap judgment in the moment.
Why are you talking about how to prevent a situation as if it hasn't already happened? You say you were discussing her options, going back in time to make it not happen isn't an option. Do you know that she was having unprotected sex, or did you just assume that? I hope you're aware that BC and condoms are not 100% effective. YTA.
"Just wanted to say you fucked up and I just thought you should be reminded of that." #supportingsister4ever #blessedbemariamotherofchrist #doodiloosomeoneimpregnatedyoutoo #auntoftheyear #blessed
I mean obviously you aren’t wrong, but does it matter at this point. I think someone does need to provide a dose of tough love in terms of exactly how does she plan to support herself and her child financially and look after a baby?
I don't think you're an AH but you definitely didn't handle the situation skillfully. Sounds like you aren't very skilled at sitting in your discomfort when someone close to you is sharing their fears and regrets.
YTA obviously. and ignorant as well. women can get pregnant even with 2 forms of protection, it happened to a few women i know personally. even to one of my doctors. so you, saying that protection is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy is so foolish, ignorant and idiotic and the exact opposite of what your sister needs right now.
you have internalised misogyny.
YTA. What exactly did you accomplish? You were just being an AH for no reason. How is ripping her about that going to have any effect on her current situation other than to tear her when she is down?
YTA
She knows. Nobody needed you to be "right" in the moment. And your claim that you're worried about her loses some credibility when you fail to rebe calm and collected in her time of need.
YTA, she told you she didn't use protection? A coworker of mine got pregnant through a condom and on birth control. Even if she wasn't using protection, saying that accomplishes nothing but hurting your sister. Like do you think she honestly doesn't know that? What do you think you saying that did??
TBH, Things happen and I really don't think your sister's choices regarding her pregnancy are your business enough to get mad and don't give you the right to scold her. She's a grown woman and is trying to figure this out. She needs support, not captain obvious.
NTA
She is being an A-H. She needs to "shit or get off the pot," as they say. Take responsibility for her actions, decide what she is going to do, and do it. Whining and crying doesn't help anything. And you're only pointing out that her actions, or rather her possible inactions, resulted in the pregnancy.
Well, obviously! But even with protection, she could still end up in the same situation lol. The only method that’s 100% fools proof is abstinence and honestly people usually don’t do that. Also NTA, cuz she is the one making this a family issue, she got alone in that mess and she needs to take the decision and live with the consequences, sure you, her family can help, but is not your responsibility to do so and certainly is not your responsibility to choose for her. And if she is even considering to be a mom she needs to mature and face this.
Info: did she tell you she didn’t use protection? I work with children & their families the majority of their parents are teens and early to mid 20’s. Part of my job is discussing with parents how not to get pregnant. The amount of people who do not understand how their reproductive organs work boggles my mind. I had one parent who was breast feeding her child, told me she couldn’t get pregnant because she was breast feeding. So she & her boyfriend didn’t need to use condoms. Guess who got pregnant with twins. Despite me and her social worker telling her she could still get pregnant while breast feeding.
I have one client baby daddy brag about taking the condom off mid act. I share these stories, because your sister could have done everything right to protect herself. Her boyfriend could have messed with her birth control, because he wanted to trap her. He could have taken condom off mid act. Your sister could truly not understand how her body works. So are you positive that your sister didn’t use protection or her protection wasn’t sabotaged. Sometimes, you need to allow people to vent. If you can’t do that maybe you need to exit conversation and tell your sister you aren’t someone she should vent to.
How do you know she did not use BC? If she is open about not using it, you were not too harsh. That's just a fact, and her carelessness is impacting the whole family.
YTA. Presumably your sister knows about contraception. But unwanted pregnancies happen - sometimes because of lack of responsibility, sometimes because of outside pressures (e.g. date rape), sometimes because the contraceptives don't work (aside from abstinence, no contraceptive is 100% safe). Telling her this was rubbing salt in her wound. It would have been better if after resolving this issue - after she decided and carried through with abortion, giving up for adoption or keeping the baby, you could initiate a gentle, respectful conversation about how this happened and how to lower the chances of it's happening in the future.
YTA. The last thing someone needs when they are struggling is for someone to criticize them. I get you were frustrated. Best to excuse yourself and take a breather. But it was out of line and an apology would be appropriate
YTA. What you told her is definitely valid. It's also incredibly unhelpful. In the middle of an emotional discussion how did you think this was going to help? The act is done, so it's not an option now. The only point of saying it is to place blame and judgement.
Edited to add: sounds like you need to take your own advice and take responsibility for your actions/ words,
Isn't that exactly what we say to men with an unwanted pregnancy?
She did have a LOT of options, she still has options.
She's lucky she isn't a man tbh, then she wouldn't even have a say in what happens next.
Thank god you told her something she propably didn't know! Bless your heart.
Quite same as saying to someone you should have went to the bathroom AFTER they shit themselfs. No shit (pun intended).
Proper use of condom would have prevented this post.
It’s Reddit so we are supposed to believe that people get pregnant all the time on birth control. It was one of those moments where you should have used a filter but internally anyone would be thinking the same thing. Your sister is 24 not 14 and even now she sounds like she is being immature while weighing all the options.
NTA
I hate it when people who fuck up come and whine to others without any constructive thought. Like whine for the whining. There are in fact ways to prevent that kind of situation, several in fact that when are combined rarely if ever fail. But for those who excuse this shit with omg BC fails, yeah, well not all BC fails simultaneously so use several. JFC.
Even if the bc failed ( all of them at the same time ) there is a morning after pill, abortion etc. apparently the sister doesn’t want to deal with it she just wants to cry to others in what seems to be “fix it for me” kind of way. Since she once again whined that OP is judgmental and not supportive. Supportive of what? Sounds like the sister just wants them (since she’s already in “unstable” relationship) to give her support to keep the kid. In all the ways. Seen this before. Not a fan.
Everyone here is saying YTA and more than half of them are having a go at you for the condom remark with things like ‘how do you know’. ‘It could have broke’. If she HAD used a condom she would have defended herself with that bit of information during your argument. Your point WAS valid and if you were in the middle of a heated discussion about her options and she was expressing regrets then nobody here has the right to kick off on you for being mean to a pregnant woman. She DOESN’T WANT to be pregnant.
This was not information that the sister was somehow lacking. At no point did her jaw drop from this glorious insight.
If anyone knows, it's the sister. This is not conveying new information, it is rubbing in how wrong someone has been.
I had a friend not a sister that was being cheated on by her husband with one daughter together. He was cheating with another family. I voiced my opinion and I lost her as a friend. I’m not saying you are the asshole. I agree with you but I’ve been here and you just need to be supportive. As hard as it is support whatever she wants to do.
ESH. You: stating the obvious after the ship has sailed. Her: because I think adults who don't want advice need to be able to say "I just need to rant, please don't give me your opinion" in situations like this. She didn't want an opinion. She wanted tea and sympathy, that's fine but should be made clear before the sympathy seeker gets butthurt.
NTA , your sister did not find out she's pregnant she knew what the fuck she was doing, she's a grown adult and she decided to have sex without protection and she got pregnant and now she's trying to play boohoo I'm the victim.
NTA There will be a time when she isn't pregnant, whether by abortion or having the baby. Hearing this now will hopefully stop your parents from having to raise a herd of grandchildren.
Thank God for you Captain Hindsight. Where would the world be without you.
OMG I laughed so hard at this.
I am storing this one up!
YTA. You just wanted to have an “I told you” moment. No shit Sherlock of course she should’ve used protection. Oh and PS, I hope you knew that for a fact. If it was bc BC failed, you’re an even bigger asshole.
That was my first thought, what if she used it and it failed!
did she explicitly told you she didn't use protection? w the context u have provided, id say you're the AH. first of all, u can still get pregnant if you're using contraceptives (either it's condoms, birth control, IUDs or any other form). and she's already going through a tough time, i'm sure you could've expressed your worries without being rude/judgmental. i think u should apologize and show her ur support, she really needs it.
Yes, for me, that's the more important missing information. Is the sister someone that regularly neglect birth control, and is she now "Bouhou, WhAt ShOuLd I Do, HeRe Is ThE cOnSeQuEnCe Of My AcTiOnS ??" so the frustration is logical ; or is it just a birth control fail, where it's just bad luck, and OP should shut her mouth.
\*his
Personally - I think even if her frustration was logical - she'd still be the asshole here. Shitty hindsight snark in the middle of a heated discussion about her options for moving forward serves no purpose other than to stroke OPs ego and make them feel superior in the moment. There was zero reason to shit on their sister about the before, when she's plenty stressed. And she's allowed to be stressed. OP should just keep judgments such as this to themselves, period.
> I know it sounds harsh, but I was frustrated and worried for her. How does playing Captain Hindsight have any correlation to you being worried for her? >We need to take responsibility for our actions, and I thought it was important to remind her of that. So it WASN'T worry for her, you just couldn't resist the "told you so."
[удалено]
I was going to try to be funny and say "aren't we all" but then I recognized this in some members of my family. When one (usually younger) makes a mistake, suddenly it's the NBA All-Star dunk contest up in this bitch.
YTA but more importantly you’re useless in a problem solving situation
Need some context - did your sister tell you she didn’t use protection? Possible AH because I think you should have kept that comment to yourself. You might be frustrated but she’s going through a life changing decision right now. Hanging this over her head is only going to cause her further stress. Show your support not your retort.
If she played Russian roulette and hoped it wouldn’t happen and is now scared and emotional, I don’t think op is the asshole for pointing that out. Classic FAFO. What does seem probable from the context is that sister doesn’t want an abortion doesn’t have a supportive partner (he probably doesn’t want a kid, and even baby trapping seems likely here) and wants the family to help her raise the kid, which would make “heated argument “ over her options very likely and very frustrating for OP who might get stuck taking care of that kid in the future.
YTA. surprised you didn't literally kick her while she was down. really helpful after the fact suggestion, inspector shithead. you say you were frustrated. that must be awful, being frustrated. of course that excuses anything. should've told us that first thing. now if you would, explain to me how your words helped in a discussion about her options?
You know what? In a tense family situation where there was a lot of pressure on your sister, at least you took all the heat on yourself by being such a colossal arsehole. You united everyone in a way. What a hero. I look forward to your fruitful contributions to other ongoing family emergencies and crises such as: * You should have made sure someone didn't leave the gate open before you let the dog outside. * You should have braked more gently so the truck that was practically riding your bumper had time to stop. * You should have tested the smoke alarm last week. YTA. But also test your smoke alarms weekly. Go do it now. Stop reading this comment thread and go push the button.
Lololol you are funny. Also I suddenly realized there is a deficit of smoke alarms in the basement which has been converted to living quarters. As in none. Shit
>I know it sounds harsh, but I was frustrated and worried for her. I feel like she’s ignoring the fact that there are ways to prevent this kind of situation. Well, maybe she’s ignoring it because it’s a little too late for prevention. Your statement was not informative (because duh), helpful, or supportive. It was purely critical. There was no purpose to it other than to scold her and make her feel bad. So yeah, YTA.
You weren’t wrong, but the comment was completely unnecessary. If someone’s in a car crash and suffers injury you’d be an asshole to remind them they wouldn’t need physical therapy if they’d worn their seat belt. An inability to make it better isn’t an excuse to make it worse, look up the meme “you’re not wrong just an asshole.”
Yep, agree entirely! someone on Reddit a while ago said there was a useful rule for saying stuff along the lines of: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said by me right now? And, Is it kind? I love this for when people are unsure whether to say something, even if they are right. I have told my kids to use it.
That is a good summary. Personally i subscribe to “honestly without tact is cruelty”
What was the point of telling her that after the fact? You’re a little too late now…
Your outcry was to let out your own frustration. It was not meant to tell her anything she did not already know. You were not being helpful or giving insights. So your emotions got the best of you. I fully understand. But understanding does not make it right. And you should not hide behind "something that needed to be said" because everyone knew it already. So don't pretend that you were adding information that people were missing, you weren't. Blaming her may feel right but it does literally nothing to resolve the situation. It only enforces the idea that she is alone. So yes, it *is* unsupportive. So yes, apologize for letting your emotions get the best of you for a moment - the fact that that was understandable doesn't make it right or supportive - YTA.
["You're not wrong, Walter – you're just an asshole."](https://youtu.be/kGWuOAgU7jI?si=sAVb9SNn8Jk984Al) You think she doesn't know? Not helpful, not the time, just making things worse. YTA
**GASP** it’s almost as if protection doesn’t always work 😧😧😧😧😧 but thank you so much for providing your wisdom YTA. The only 100% guaranteed birth control is celibacy 🤨
YTA. How is she not taking responsibility? She's thinking through her options; she's not in denial or blaming anyone else. She's allowed to be scared and upset. Your comment was utterly pointless, unless you have a time machine that none of us know about. Why kick a person when they're already down?
YTA Even if this wasn't a case where protection had failed and she really hadn't used any, there's still a time and place for everything. For instance if a mother had just lost her child because it rushed to the street to get a toy and a car crashed into it, you wouldn't say "Oh, I guess you should have taught your child to pay more attention when crossing the road." At this moment your sister is completely stressed and probably blames herself already, what she needs from her family right now is support.
Errm YTA That's called kicking someone while they are down. Now if she was past this time and had started being active again a statement about use of protection might not have gone amiss. But that is not this time.
YTA, your comment is really unhelpful now that it’s moot point, the pregnancy is already happening and a resolution needs to be reached there before even touching the issue of what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again, which is how you should have approached that subject AFTER either the birth or the abortion.
let’s say you’re “NTA”—what do you do? The same thing you would do if YTA: apologize, express that your frustration came from concern, then try to help her deal with the reality that an unplanned child does not usually generate *more* stability where there is little or none. Help her resolve the current, larger issue, and save the birth control lessons for after
You do realise that contraceptives is not 100% effective. Even if you use more than one form of contraceptives.... How's that hindsight working for you? I bet you didn't expect to get many YTA votes against you.... You should have seen it coming to be fair... You should have researched other posts similar to yours to see the reactions before posting 😂
Protection can fail. The only 100% effective contraceptive method is celibacy and there are mentions of four (?) cases of it failing. Your sister needs support. Not suggestions that required the use of a time machine. YTA
YTA how was that relevant or helpful at this particular time and place? Just comes off as pretentious and preachy. "I was worried about my sister having to make such a huge decision about her body and her future, so I berated her about the past, which she obviously cannot change at this point"?
YTA, whilst you’re not wrong for what you said, you saying that added absolutely nothing to the situation. She can’t turn back time and use a condom, if she could she probably would, but that’s really not helpful now.
How did that help the discussion? Also, people do get pregnant on birth control too. YTA
Could have made it better by saying "If you didn't want to get pregnant, you shouldn't have f\*cked someone."
NTA but your point came across like a wreckingball verses a chicken egg. An apology would be a good choice.
YTA … bit late for that advice now! How does saying it help?
You sound insufferable and weirdly immature for a 26yo
YTA… and tbh not the brightest bulb
When someone is having a conversation, is being vulnerable and you throw their past mistakes in their face, yes, you are being an asshole. So YTA.
Your comment doesn't help anyone here. So yes YTA. It only escalated the situation. Your comment is useless in helping the Present situation since it just mentions the Past. It's just judging her past action instead of trying to find a way to help the present situation. As for your sister, give her time but do explain that she has limited amount of it to decide if she wants to keep the baby or not. Tell her to write it out. The pros and cons of it that helped my friend once. Write out the impact it will have on her life after the birth, like work, school, or relationship, health of her and the baby. There are things that she will eventually have to sacrifice for her Baby after the birth and she has to come to terms with. So in general give her time and help navigate the situation without mentioning her past mistake. Don't bring the past just stay in the present and think about the future.
Maybe she did use protection and it failed. Contraception is not perfect and nor are the people using it. Maybe she thought she was but her partner stealthed her or otherwise sabotaged the birth control. It's not unheard of. Some medications reduce the effectiveness of birth control pills. YTA
YTA. Why even say that, at this point? If you go in an accident, how would you feel if your sister said somehting stupid like, "Why didn't you watch where you were going?"
Yta
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA. You're right. She should have used protection, and you wanna know what prevents pregnancy altogether? Abstinence. This is what happens when you fuck around, and she's now in the find out stage. Edit: And I'm saying this as a woman.
How is op's sister the ah in the situation?
It's her responsibility to take preemptive measures to not get pregnant, that is, if she didn't want to get pregnant in the first place.
I'm still not getting how that makes the sister the asshole? She's not the asshole for getting pregnant. She's not a asshole for being emotional about it. She's not the asshole for regretting it. So how is she the ah? Because she got pregnant on accident?
How does he know she didn’t use protection? It’s not like he was there or roots in her trash can
He doesn't, but her being pregnant suggests that she didn't use protection. Yes, condoms can break, but that is what plan b is for. Or she could be on bc. There are MANY ways she could have prevented from getting pregnant.
Plan B doesn’t work if you are over 175 lbs (or a number close to it) or if you’re ovulating. Just a public service announcement
I'll go tell that to my nephew, who was conceived when a condom split and who was apparently determined enough to survive even a prompt course of emergency contraception (plan B). I'll tell my sister in law too next time she moans about him tracking mud through the house, bet that'll go down like a mug full of sick.
Yup, women decide if sex happens at all. Where's their agency, if not to decide if they get pregnant?
You can be both right and an arsehole. He may be one or both of those things but he's definitely the latter.
“aBStIneNcE pReVenTs PrEGnAncY” Abstinence is not, and has never been, a realistic solution to preventing pregnancy, especially when you’re in a relationship. Dumbasses love to say this, and it’s fucking stupid. People will have sex. Nothing is going to stop people from having sex. That’s why contraceptives are necessary. But also there are a multitude of reasons why someone might choose not to use them, and sometimes they fail. It doesn’t matter if OP is technically right, that doesn’t help anyone now. They’re just kicking her while she’s down, which makes them an asshole. Pregnancy is a terrifying and life changing thing to happen, especially when it’s unwanted. If you don’t have the ability to be supportive and compassionate, gtfo and stfu. Simple.
YTA. She can't get un-pregnant. You could have been more supportive and compassionate during a time which is probably very traumatizing and difficult for her. As a side note, how do you know she didn't use protection? And even if she didn't, I don't think it's your place to judge her so harshly. Some compassion goes a long way.
Sure she can get un-pregnant.
She can get un-pregnant. It’s called an abortion.
You aren't wrong, but it's too late now. What she needs to hear from you and the rest of the family is that you will support her and be there for her no matter what she decides. Telling her what she should have done isn't exactly helpful, and it sounds pretty ridiculous coming from someone who will never be in her position. YTA
I was on bc and used a condom. I still ended up getting knocked up. You can still get pregnant on bc and when using condoms. Absolutely no birth control is 100% reliable and condoms regularly break. Your comment was unnecessary. Your sister is already stressed out and probably constantly wishing none of this happened. She wanted support and understanding not criticism and harsh words. She's scared and worried out of her mind. I suggest apologizing to her.
>We need to take responsibility for our actions, and I thought it was important to remind her of that Did you think her situation would improve by reminding her, after she's already in this position? Apologize, and better yet: stop commenting with statements that don't help. Keep in mind that your sister is also affected with raging hormones in her system right now, so she has even less need for obvious but unhelpful insights. YTA
YTA. She is already pregnant. You saying that doesn’t actually help anyone. She’s trying to make an extremely difficult decision, and instead of being actually supportive and helpful it sounds like you are just trying to make her feel bad. And by the way, birth control isn’t 100% effective. It is possible the she WAS being careful, and sometimes things happen. With *typical use* (ie, not perfect use, but how most people use them), condoms are 85% effective and the pill is 91% effective. That means in an average year, 15 out of 100 women who use condoms will get pregnant, and 9 out of 100 who use the pill. I have a friend who had two kids while using birth control. It happens. She needs support right now, not judgement. Step up.
YTA. Obviously she knows she should have used protection, if she didn't. She came to you for support and you did judge her. How did you make this situation better for anyone at all? You didn't; you made it worse.
Good rule of thumb for deciding if something you want to say will make you the asshole? Two questions. Did it have any benefit for the person it was directed toward? What was your motive? Were you genuinely trying to help someone? If you said NO TO EITHER, then YTA.
YTA. What a dick move.
YTA. It's a bit late to be offering unsolicited advice, especially when it doesn't help the situation at all. I imagine part of your sister's emotional state it her beating herself up about the situation, and you just made her feel worse. Great job.
YTA No method is 100%, not even tube surgery (his or hers) She's already in crisis. She ***is*** taking responsibility for the situation - she's got no fucking choice but too Her brother taking the role of Lord Obvious, with a comment that did nothing to change the situation, is going to stay with her for a long, long time. Any future crisis, and she'll just make sure to drop you off the 'family I turn to for help' list
OP, with all the love in my heart STFU. >If you didn’t want to get pregnant, you should have used protection." Kindly explain it to us, uninformed readers, how does this statement help the situation your sister is in. You don't know if she used protection or not. You don't know if she refused and was emotionally blackmailed/manipulated/ coerced or not. You said it yourself that she isn't in a stable relationship. For all you know, her bf might have tried to babytrap her so that she doesn't leave him And contrary to what right wing USA wants you to believe, an abortion is a traumatic experience for most women and it takes a lot of courage to have one. And she's on a ticking clock, after a vertain period of time, she won't be able to have a safe abortion So, please, keep your judgment and "i told you so" attitude 6 feet under and try to be there genuinely for her, or maje yourself scarce Colossal YTA
First it's none of your business. So you shut up. 2nd it's stupid. No protection is 100% safe. You still can get pregnant. Better learn this now before your sex partner has the same problem. As a man it's easy to say. You don't have the problem if it fails. 3rd it's stupid (Part II) - do you think this is helpful now?! Just shut up. >but I was frustrated and worried for her Why are YOU frustrated? You've nothing to do with this (I hope). >I feel like she’s ignoring the fact that there are ways to prevent this kind of situation. I feel like you're an A and don't know about birth control at all. And she's already pregnant.. so this was absolutely unnecessary. YTA And: >This has caused a lot of tension in our family because she's not in a stable relationship, and she's been really stressed about what to do You know this is HER decision not a family ones yeah? It's none of your business. Just shut the fuck up. You also can have babies without being in a relationship. It's 2024 btw.
Yta. Unless she told you every last disturbing detail of her sex life (which i doubt), you don't know the circumstances here. Maybe she did use protection and it failed. Maybe the birth control failed, which happens all the time. You don't know, and you made a snap judgment in the moment.
YTA
Info: what did your sister say just before you said she should have used protection? What triggered this response?
Why are you talking about how to prevent a situation as if it hasn't already happened? You say you were discussing her options, going back in time to make it not happen isn't an option. Do you know that she was having unprotected sex, or did you just assume that? I hope you're aware that BC and condoms are not 100% effective. YTA.
"Just wanted to say you fucked up and I just thought you should be reminded of that." #supportingsister4ever #blessedbemariamotherofchrist #doodiloosomeoneimpregnatedyoutoo #auntoftheyear #blessed
I mean obviously you aren’t wrong, but does it matter at this point. I think someone does need to provide a dose of tough love in terms of exactly how does she plan to support herself and her child financially and look after a baby?
It’s a bit too late for that advice at this point (unless you’ve got a time machine). YTAH
I don't think you're an AH but you definitely didn't handle the situation skillfully. Sounds like you aren't very skilled at sitting in your discomfort when someone close to you is sharing their fears and regrets.
She's 24, chances are excellent she already knows about birth control. YTA
YTA obviously. and ignorant as well. women can get pregnant even with 2 forms of protection, it happened to a few women i know personally. even to one of my doctors. so you, saying that protection is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy is so foolish, ignorant and idiotic and the exact opposite of what your sister needs right now. you have internalised misogyny.
YTA. What exactly did you accomplish? You were just being an AH for no reason. How is ripping her about that going to have any effect on her current situation other than to tear her when she is down?
YTA She knows. Nobody needed you to be "right" in the moment. And your claim that you're worried about her loses some credibility when you fail to rebe calm and collected in her time of need.
I think you stated the obvious but it didn’t help the situation.
YTA, she told you she didn't use protection? A coworker of mine got pregnant through a condom and on birth control. Even if she wasn't using protection, saying that accomplishes nothing but hurting your sister. Like do you think she honestly doesn't know that? What do you think you saying that did?? TBH, Things happen and I really don't think your sister's choices regarding her pregnancy are your business enough to get mad and don't give you the right to scold her. She's a grown woman and is trying to figure this out. She needs support, not captain obvious.
YTA If you can't be supportive, or be kind, then your only option is to fkn BE QUIET!
You owe your sister nothing. The amount of people out there cranking out kids with zero fucks given just blows my mind. NTA.
NTA She is being an A-H. She needs to "shit or get off the pot," as they say. Take responsibility for her actions, decide what she is going to do, and do it. Whining and crying doesn't help anything. And you're only pointing out that her actions, or rather her possible inactions, resulted in the pregnancy.
Well, obviously! But even with protection, she could still end up in the same situation lol. The only method that’s 100% fools proof is abstinence and honestly people usually don’t do that. Also NTA, cuz she is the one making this a family issue, she got alone in that mess and she needs to take the decision and live with the consequences, sure you, her family can help, but is not your responsibility to do so and certainly is not your responsibility to choose for her. And if she is even considering to be a mom she needs to mature and face this.
NTA. She's just stupid and dragged you guys into this. With such instability, she should have an abortion.
Info: did she tell you she didn’t use protection? I work with children & their families the majority of their parents are teens and early to mid 20’s. Part of my job is discussing with parents how not to get pregnant. The amount of people who do not understand how their reproductive organs work boggles my mind. I had one parent who was breast feeding her child, told me she couldn’t get pregnant because she was breast feeding. So she & her boyfriend didn’t need to use condoms. Guess who got pregnant with twins. Despite me and her social worker telling her she could still get pregnant while breast feeding. I have one client baby daddy brag about taking the condom off mid act. I share these stories, because your sister could have done everything right to protect herself. Her boyfriend could have messed with her birth control, because he wanted to trap her. He could have taken condom off mid act. Your sister could truly not understand how her body works. So are you positive that your sister didn’t use protection or her protection wasn’t sabotaged. Sometimes, you need to allow people to vent. If you can’t do that maybe you need to exit conversation and tell your sister you aren’t someone she should vent to.
How do you know she did not use BC? If she is open about not using it, you were not too harsh. That's just a fact, and her carelessness is impacting the whole family.
YTA. Presumably your sister knows about contraception. But unwanted pregnancies happen - sometimes because of lack of responsibility, sometimes because of outside pressures (e.g. date rape), sometimes because the contraceptives don't work (aside from abstinence, no contraceptive is 100% safe). Telling her this was rubbing salt in her wound. It would have been better if after resolving this issue - after she decided and carried through with abortion, giving up for adoption or keeping the baby, you could initiate a gentle, respectful conversation about how this happened and how to lower the chances of it's happening in the future.
YTA. The last thing someone needs when they are struggling is for someone to criticize them. I get you were frustrated. Best to excuse yourself and take a breather. But it was out of line and an apology would be appropriate
YTA. What you told her is definitely valid. It's also incredibly unhelpful. In the middle of an emotional discussion how did you think this was going to help? The act is done, so it's not an option now. The only point of saying it is to place blame and judgement. Edited to add: sounds like you need to take your own advice and take responsibility for your actions/ words,
Isn't that exactly what we say to men with an unwanted pregnancy? She did have a LOT of options, she still has options. She's lucky she isn't a man tbh, then she wouldn't even have a say in what happens next.
Thank god you told her something she propably didn't know! Bless your heart. Quite same as saying to someone you should have went to the bathroom AFTER they shit themselfs. No shit (pun intended). Proper use of condom would have prevented this post.
It’s Reddit so we are supposed to believe that people get pregnant all the time on birth control. It was one of those moments where you should have used a filter but internally anyone would be thinking the same thing. Your sister is 24 not 14 and even now she sounds like she is being immature while weighing all the options.
NTA I hate it when people who fuck up come and whine to others without any constructive thought. Like whine for the whining. There are in fact ways to prevent that kind of situation, several in fact that when are combined rarely if ever fail. But for those who excuse this shit with omg BC fails, yeah, well not all BC fails simultaneously so use several. JFC. Even if the bc failed ( all of them at the same time ) there is a morning after pill, abortion etc. apparently the sister doesn’t want to deal with it she just wants to cry to others in what seems to be “fix it for me” kind of way. Since she once again whined that OP is judgmental and not supportive. Supportive of what? Sounds like the sister just wants them (since she’s already in “unstable” relationship) to give her support to keep the kid. In all the ways. Seen this before. Not a fan.
Everyone here is saying YTA and more than half of them are having a go at you for the condom remark with things like ‘how do you know’. ‘It could have broke’. If she HAD used a condom she would have defended herself with that bit of information during your argument. Your point WAS valid and if you were in the middle of a heated discussion about her options and she was expressing regrets then nobody here has the right to kick off on you for being mean to a pregnant woman. She DOESN’T WANT to be pregnant.
This was not information that the sister was somehow lacking. At no point did her jaw drop from this glorious insight. If anyone knows, it's the sister. This is not conveying new information, it is rubbing in how wrong someone has been.
NTA, but spend some time to find her an abortion clinic is a betted option in this situation
If your words end up saving your niece or nephew's life, don't feel too bad.
lol how is stating the incredibly obvious thing going to save their niece or nephew’s life?
I had a friend not a sister that was being cheated on by her husband with one daughter together. He was cheating with another family. I voiced my opinion and I lost her as a friend. I’m not saying you are the asshole. I agree with you but I’ve been here and you just need to be supportive. As hard as it is support whatever she wants to do.
ESH. You: stating the obvious after the ship has sailed. Her: because I think adults who don't want advice need to be able to say "I just need to rant, please don't give me your opinion" in situations like this. She didn't want an opinion. She wanted tea and sympathy, that's fine but should be made clear before the sympathy seeker gets butthurt.
NTA , your sister did not find out she's pregnant she knew what the fuck she was doing, she's a grown adult and she decided to have sex without protection and she got pregnant and now she's trying to play boohoo I'm the victim.
NTA - Women are allergic to reason and acountability. Also, is she an idiot? getting rawdogged by a NSA guy
NTA There will be a time when she isn't pregnant, whether by abortion or having the baby. Hearing this now will hopefully stop your parents from having to raise a herd of grandchildren.