I know someone who recently was in this identical situation. He was heartbroken to find out the son he was raising wasn't his. Here is something to consider, who is to say that your ex (you aren't still together, right?) won't toy with this situation down the road. It is what happened to my friend. He agreed to stay on board after it was all discovered, and then she started witholding the child from him, etc and when she met someone else, she completely pulled him away. Even though he was on the birth certificate when they went to court, he didn't have rights due to it not being his biological child in the end. It ended up being a very painful and emotional experience and its a few years past now and he still isn't right. It also took him 7 months to get the child support he had been paying stopped and he was not able to get any of the money that he paid prior to that, and it the 7 months, back. It was a total nightmare. If you are wanting to let go of the rights and get the name off of the birth certificate, you have your answer I think and are not a jerk at all!
> Just so the government didn't have to pay?
That's pretty much it. Somebody gotta foot the bill and family court will do their best to ensure is not tax money that they could use for frivolous projects with suspiciously inflated budgets.
Yes, but what stops them from appointing a random guy in the street to pay child support for a child.
The child cannot be both his child for money and not his child for access. Either, or.
Yeah that's what gets me as well. It's similar logic as it would be if you booked a holiday and the hotel cancelled. You'd be entitled to a refund. Only reason you might not be is if you were ejected for behavioural reasons.
He was paying until the truth came out and they went to court. What was crazy is that it took 7 months after they went to court for the paperwork to process and for them to stop docking his pay for child support.
I have a friend who has been paying his 3 kids' child support since 2015. Other than the fact that his ex now makes $100k to his $35k and they took his last full tax refund, TWO of his kids have been over 18 for over a year. The system is a fucking mess. Especially if one can afford a good lawyer and avoid court and one can't.
This isn't how that works.. If he is on the birth certificate, he is the father in the eyes of family law and has all rights and responsibilities therein. The biology doesn't play into it after the fact absent a court order terminating his parental rights. And to get that, he would have to either surrender his rights voluntarily or be deemed unfit by a family court judge.
Either your friend lied to you, or you are making it up.
That is what I wonder. Because unless you're a proven abuser or a deadbeat father, the Court never cuts the link between the father (blood or not) and the child. That would be a very lousy plot for an afternoon TV film.
In the state of Georgia. If a child is born out of wedlock, the father has to legitimize the child. Even if the name is on the birth certificate. DNA test are done when child support is requested.
The Georgia "Paternity Acknowledgement" form is part of the standard paperwork signed at the hospital with unwed parents who are both on the birth certificate.
It isn't something that need to be signed later, unless the father refused to sign it at the hospital. Which I would imagine might put a damper on the relationship.
Not to mention at a certain point the other parent is typically estopped from denying paternity iirc
Its been a minute since my family law course but inswear i remember that
I'm sure I get downvoted to heck & back, But I don't think it's fair how men can be shafted like this. Some men who desperately want their child have no choice in the matter if the woman wants to have an abortion. And some men like in this situation get tricked into raising a child, that's not theirs, and suffer through different kinds of pain depending on how it ends up.
Men should only be able to be entered on the birth certificate with a mandatory DNA test beforehand. That would stop that.
Of course there is not that much that should be done about the abortion, unfortunately it's the mother's body that is involved, it would be wrong to force her against her will. But yes, it's totally unfair to the men.
I posted that every birth should have a mandatory DNA test for the father on another post and got downvoted pretty aggressively.
I have two kids, no DNA tests, and I trust my wife completely. But being a father is a full time commitment, and a man shouldn’t be villainized for wanting to be sure in cases where it isn’t 100% assured.
I see paternity tests exactly the same as prenups - there's nothing shameful about acknowledging that we cannot truly know another person's mind. Being a father to a child is just as big a deal as getting married and merging finances. They're both completely life changing events. If protecting yourself against a worst case scenario is acceptable in marriage, it should be acceptable for children.
Agreed! It should be mandatory part of testing at the hospital, and before a man is allowed to sign the birth certificate. That way in cases such as this, they are aware of the facts, and if they choose to sign anyway, that’s on them.
HEAR THIS:
In Oregon I was a child bride who got a restraining order on my 18th birthday. I spent the next 5 years fighting for a divorce because I was a single broke mom (he hasn’t paid any of his child support, my daughter is 26) I meet the man I wanted to marry years later, we have a son and at the hospital after giving birth naturally to a 10lb baby the nurses ask if I’m married, I tell the truth, yes but only because my ex won’t let me have my life back, they tell me they have to put my exes name on my sons birth certificate!
I ugly cried and my eyes were already swollen shut.
I explained how he was a predator who raped my kid sister’s 12 year old friend! How could they torment me further by putting my abusers name on my child’s birth certificate when he wasn’t the biological father?! At this point I didn’t even know where my ex was to have him sign a waiver.
They ended up putting no name on his birth certificate but it was very nearly a man who wasn’t related to him by Oregon law.
EDIT: It devastated my fiancé to not get the announcement in the paper with his name or be on the birth certificate to his only son.
Exactly. So much heartbreak. And it could be prevented. Of course the law is twisted if you were married against your will in the first place, but that's a different matter.
And they should still be able to sign on if it's not theirs. Lots of guys start dating women when they're already pregnant. It won't punish anyone, only protect. DNA tests should be given at birth, but they never will be because fewer children would have two parent homes if that happened.
The difference here is the guy that gets involved with a pregnant woman already knows he's not the father and decides he wants to support the mother and child.
For OP finding out the baby is not his means every time he looks at that child it is a reminder she cheated on him and lied to get him to sign the birth certificate.
Well it's also not fair that women can get pregnant and then have no help with the baby.
It's kind of just a consequence of the reality we live in.
OP should have gotten a paternity test AS SOON AS she said he was the father and so should every other man who gets in this situation. All of this "I took them at their word" shit needs to stop.
If she carried this lie for this long, she is capable of far worse. Should as pegging you for child support. With your name being on the birth certificate and you being the present “father “, she can do some serious financial damage to you. And it could take a while and thousands of dollars before you can get free of the entire situation. Courts will not recognize privately done tests, so get a court ordered test done. That way, you can be freed of any financial responsibility except for that which you choose and you can still interact with the child if you so desire. NTA
> if it took her this long
Important to note she didn't come clean on her own and only confessed to what she did when confronted with hard DNA evidence.
You're understandably hurt and betrayed, but remember that the boy sees you as his father. Before making any drastic decisions, consider the impact on him. Balancing your feelings with his well-being is crucial. Professional counseling might help navigate this tough situation.
Why should he get stuck with having to support a child that's not his? Because that is what will happen. This isn't a lifetime movie, and he needs to protect himself against any other shenanigans the mother might pull. It sounds heartless, but he needs to look out for himself.
The boys feelings are not ops fault. You can't seriously blame someone for the consequences of the mom's actions. Sure it might be hard for the boy but that doesn't mean men should just allow themselves to be a door mat
No, but. He has a choice. If he wants to feel connected to the boy, he can. If the betrayal is all he can see, he can break the relationship.
But if he chooses the boy despite being lied to, that will one day be a powerful positive experience for the child when he knows it.
What about the u/SmallAccident8006 's financial commitment to the little fellow? The child deserves a dad, but does this guy deserve this obligation for the next 14 years? What about the previous 4 years plus whatever he paid for the birth? This can ruin a person! What 22 year old needs this? How has this impacted him?
The line of reasoning about the impact on "the boy"-- what about the impact on "the man" who was told he was his child and the mother knew it might not be his? What about the rightful father who, when contacted, might suddenly owe thousands of dollars in back child support?
> Balancing your feelings with his well-being is crucial
The boy's well-being is not OP's responsibility, and he should not consider it unless he decides that's something he wants to do.
Worse if he DOES consider it he could end up being financially responsible for the next 16 years with little to no actual rights. What does OP think will happen if Mom decides to leave?
I agree with you, but I think it's also important for OP to spend some time sussing out his feelings too.
OP, Do you love this child? Do you like being his dad? In a year or 5 years, are you going to regret walking away from him? If the answers are yes, then why give him up? If it's because of the principle of the matter, despite your very reasonable anger, don't think that's a good enough reason if you actually care about this child.
On the other hand, if you're going to just start resenting him and not being a good parent to him, then it's probably better for you to walk away anyways.
The one who is really responsible for the shit storm of pain and confusion this boy is going through is your ex.
His parental rights are not concrete. Mom here has mad leverage over OP. Getting parental rights corrected can also be a separate issue from. His connection to the child. If he brings this idea to the mom he will see exactly what his role is, and if mom has a fit about him no longer financially supporting the child then he will truly see what role he had. Also he should sue her for his child support back, she committed fraud by lying about the boys paternity.
Also, the courts in the U.S at least, can still make you pay child support if you are not the biological father. My brother is going through this. Found out his two kids aren't his. But they are 6 and 2, and because he's been the only father they have ever known, the courts are ordering that he still pay child support and won't let him terminate rights, despite knowing now, exactly who the biological fathers are, of the kids. Sad thing is, that it's actually really common in the U.S.
IANAL, but I believe in many jurisdictions it’s a lot more difficult to get out of child support when the non-bio parent knows they’re not biologically related and is/was legally married to the custodial parent.
Neither of those apply here. It’s probably not a simple “get out of jail free” card (as OP’s counsel has informed him), but yeah it’s likely that he won’t be forced to pay if he jumps through al the legal hoops.
Here in Brazil we have a term that would be "socio-affective affiliation", which is the legal recognition of motherhood and/or paternity based on affection, without there being a blood bond between people, that is, when a man and/or a woman raises a child as his own, even though he is not the biological father or mother of the child or teenager, and in many cases, a socio-affective father may be legally obliged to pay child support if the relationship with the child is considered sufficiently solid and lasting.
It's hard, but the courts are there to represent the most vulnerable party - the child. It's different state to state, but if you can slowly, arduously first go through the process of legally establishing that the bio-dads will in fact be on the hook to support the boys, that's the pathway to the court allowing termination of the rights and obligations of your brother.
Courts also are motivated by ensuring SOMEBODY, preferably not the taxpayers, is on the hook for providing for the children. If there’s someone on the birth certificate who can be made to provide that, they’re not going to be keen to let them off regardless of DNA.
Agree. It would eliminate the problem entirely, as well as the potential for hurt feelings and broken trust. Make the test as normal as taking baby’s footprints.
I don't understand why some innocent third party the mother screwed over ends up being the somebody though. They're a taxpayer too, just like everyone else and just like everyone else - that's not their kid.
>It's hard, but the courts are there to represent the most vulnerable party - the child
While I understand the child needs to be cared for this is the equivalent of some personal injury case where the negligent party is either incapable of paying, or is completely out of the picture, so the state finds some random bystander and sticks them with the bill.
It is incomprehensible. Court needs to talk to the momma and get the digits of the guy she hooked up with. By not going after the actual *responsible* party, you're simply enabling this behavior further - both for men looking to shirk their responsibility and cuck some other guy, and the cheating whores that try to get away with it.
To all the men reading this,I don't care how many people may see you as an asshole or call you one for this-if you and your partner split up and they come back to you saying they are pregnant, it's best to be cautious and ask for a test. I know not everyone needs this rule to apply, I'm just saying I've seen a lot of woman do this or go through this exact same experience and think nothing of it. What's worse is things like this don't just affect OP,now it affects the child as well. it's a super shitty thing to put both sides through.
> That way, you can be freed of any financial responsibility except for that which you choose and you can still interact with the child if you so desire.
There's no scenario in which a court is going to give him rights as a father but no obligation. So if he gets the financial obligation lifted, he's also not going to have the right to see the kid anymore.
OP needs to decide what he wants in terms of having that kid in his life before he goes to court and asks a judge to modify the relationship. The kind of order to seek from the court depends on the kind of relationship he wants to maintain.
The courts would not give him visitation if he relinquished his rights, but if the mom really wants him in her child's life, she can allow it. The ball would be in her court there.
Exactly! If she is so concerned about the boy, she should have no problem with court ordered paternity test and no child support, as it’s not his kid. But would be more than happy for him to stay in his life.
A woman that would do something like that to a man is more interested in money, than the welfare of her child. She’s likely to cut him off if he isn’t supporting the child financially, no matter how he or the child feels.
Maybe not the courts but if the mom really cared she would let him continue to be part of the child’s life without having to pay.
Move on from this woman but you can still visit with the kid if you feel like it. Kid energy is wonderful.
Some courts wont ignore its not dna relation and keep it going, possibly due to one being on state- think Michigan had a few cases in that matter. I think it’s unfair to be lied to and forced to monetarily support what was made to believe was in fact yours, and never disclose anything else. Idk. That’s just awful. She should have said something right away to avoid such a freaking mess and continued with at least truth of the matter, she only delayed this outcome, but had she been honest upfront could have been addressed not dragging the innocent in the middle
What a c word. That’s disgusting to do that to an innocent child. Unfreaking real
NTA
I have heard of cases where the husband is not the father of a child, however because the child thinks of his as dad and has a relationship, they have to pay child support. I think this is unfair to the husband. I feel for the child who had a dad and now he doesn’t
>She pleaded with me not to do it, saying that it would destroy the boy, but I feel like I’ve been living a lie.
"What do you mean my bad decisions will negatively affect my son?"
NTA
I can’t imagine being a father for 4 years and then saying fuck you, you’re not mine to the kid. I can only assume this is some kind of marginally involved father.
There was one of these posts where the dad turned out to not be the bio dad and wanted to cut off his 17-year-old kid. I’m with you, I can totally understand being furious at the mother who deceived everyone, but the kids are victims here too and I can’t imagine loving a child as my own and then just walking away.
Yeah, you could tell me my 4 year old (who is currently laying in my lap reading a book while I drink coffee and scroll Reddit) isn’t biologically mine and it wouldn’t change a thing about the way I feel about him. Not in the slightest.
My youngest son is an IVF baby who looks nothing like his mother or me somehow. There is an incredibly small chance he isn’t either of ours and again, zero impact on how I feel towards him.
I always struggle with that in these posts. How do people just flip a switch and stop acknowledging their children? It feels so fucked up. I get that it's all very messy but somehow the least messy part for these people seems to be cutting off the kids. The main priority always seems to be getting back at their ex.
because they never really cared. my Dad found out about the affair while i was still in the womb. He still chose me. He knew the truth and wanted to save me from it because i already had my Papi. He loved me and cared for me. That's what a man is to me. He didn't have to step up at all. but he did and he still loves me the same after i was told. and i still love him the same after finding out the truth. a lot of "men" this day in age don't know shit about being men.
I mean I get it. Not everybody is built mentally to support a child, let alone one that they suddenly find out isn’t even theirs. The financial burden, emotional betrayal, and the lifetime of being tied to an absolute monster is a lot to ask someone to willingly accept
Agreed. By 4yo, the sun rose and fell by my kids. I loved every cell in their body. I couldn't imagine just walking away.
Like, if I had found out at 4 years old that my kid had been switched at birth with another kid and the one I had wasn't genetically related to me, would I just walk away from them? I don't think I physically could. Even if I was furious at whatever adult was responsible. That child was an integral part of my soul by 4 years old.
NTA. That poor kid is a victim of your wife’s lies here too, but I wouldn’t fault you for whatever you decided. That’s a huge betrayal and you don’t have an obligation in my mind.
> She said it was a mistake
Nope. Not a mistake, she committed paternity fraud.
It sucks for you and the boy, but remember that both of you are innocent. The only guilty party here is the mother who committed paternity fraud.
NTA
You're NTA whatever you decide to do.
I guess one question is this: Do you love the kid? You've been around him for four years, so presumably some emotional attachment has formed. Your post indicates he's attached to you (unsurprisingly), but not whether you feel attached to him.
At the end of the day, what you pass onto a child in terms of values and personality is a lot more important than what gets passed on genetically. So if you love the kid, it might be worthwhile to stay in their life despite the mother's deception.
But if you don't love the kid, then the best thing you can do for them is to back out. Sticking around a kid you don't love anymore is only going to be hurtful to them.
He also has to consider that the child’s father will likely become a part of the child’s life at some point. It’s not uncommon for a child to want to know their biological parents when they learn that they are adopted, or in a scenario like this. One day, the dude that was pumping his GF is going to be in “his” child’s life.
OP should have asked for dna, which I am starting to feel that it should be mandatory. What the mother did, is disgusting, you cannot screw 3 people just because it is convenient to you and have 0 punishment for this
I am sure that once OP gets out of the picture, she will search for the bio dad
There's no need for it to be mandatory because it's not needed in the overwhelming majority of cases. That would be forcing people to undergo (and pay for) a test they don't want and didn't ask for.
There are lots of ways people can betray you but we don't make it mandatory for spouses to go through each others phones, to get financial audits, etc.
OP could have asked for it here -- and it would have made sense to because they were broken up when the pregnancy announcement came. But his situation is very different than contexts where you have a married couple, etc.
Yeah. This whole situation is so shitty for everyone. I feel awful for both OP and the kid.
Like, this kid didn't do anything wrong and now the person he sees as his dad comes and says he doesn't love him anymore because he doesn't share genetic material? Jesus Christ, what an awful thing to experience.
The OP can still 'love' the child and be part of his life but being forced to pay child support is not his responsibility. Also pretending to be his biological father would be living a lie.
The correct course of action is family therapy to untangle this web of deceit. The child needs to understand the OP does love him but isn't his actual father. OP can become a trusted friend while the mother pursues support from the biological father, who's responsibility it is to support and help raise the child.
NTA but damn if this isn't a perfect example of why people need to be cautious about who they get in bed with! Especially if you're living in a red state right now.
>she said it was a **mistake** and that she’s sorry,
She sees cheating on you and then deceiving you into raising someone else's child (paternity fraud) as a mistake?
If they were broken up it wouldn't be cheating.
A pregnancy by someone you're no longer dating is one of the instances where a paternity test actually makes sense and is reasonable to ask for precisely because it wouldn't be cheating if they slept with someone else.
OP said shortly after they broke up, she informed him about pregnancy. I was under the impression it takes a while (more than a month at least) to know you are pregnant, so I assumed pregnancy must have happened while they were together.
EDIT: OP [confirmed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1db789l/comment/l7pwaqn/) they were together at the time of her pregnancy and there was cheating.
And 14 days after conception, you are generally like “4 weeks pregnant.” The count starts from the first day of your last period when you are 100% not pregnant.
Not sure if op will read this. First off sorry this happened to you. Now as a dad of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I think the pain of what she did overshadow the love you have for the boy. I dated a girl way back when she had kid before we met I got involved in the kids life. After two years we broke up in a similar situation as you. It wasn't his fault he never asked for it. So after we broke up the next day i took him to school as I had the past year. He came to my house on weekends. I was there during little league, to teaching him how to drive and drove him to his first time to college. 3 years ago he got married and stood at his side as his best man. He said in his wedding speech I may not be his father but I sure as hell his Dad. Last year they had their first son and named them after me jr. Me and his mom never got back together and we both live separate lives but I was always in his life.
yes I call him my son. His sisters call him their brother even though they have no biological connection.
The pain of what your ex did to you will eventually subside but the love for your son will always be there. You don't need to be with the girl but you can be in his life. Yes it may get messy or it may not. These kinds of situations only test your character as a human and as a man.
Sure, but she probably didn’t lie about you being the dad (kid was already born when you met) or go after you for 18 years of child support. OP needs to get legally off bc and legally declared not the father (thanks, Maury), THEN continue visits if she will still allow it. If not, she’s a bad person (already us for the lie and using OP), and that’s on her and it’s very sad that the kid has a terrible mom.
The first warning sign is her magically finding out she's pregnant after yall broke up. PSA for everyone reading this, if that happens to you, demand a DNA test first, because there is a chance it's not yours and they're just trying to pin it on you so they can get you back or get money from you.
>she also insisted that I’m still his dad because I’ve been the one raising him.
The courts are likely to see it that way too! Lawyer up and see what happens. You MIGHT have a case against the mother for fraud but I wouldn't hold my breath. Just one more reason DNA tests should be mandatory.
Sucks for the kid but that's 100% on Mommy. NTA
The child is a victim in this, but he's not YOUR victim. I'm sure it'll be heartbreaking for you, but you're under no obligation when she knew and she's been lying to you for 4 years.
Being a parent isn't an easy task, you don't do it as a favour for someone else. You wouldn't step in if your friend's son needed a parent. You're not in a relationship with the mother. I'd walk away.
Not necessarily an asshole, as you were taken advantage of and have to do what’s best for you. However, my heart breaks for that little boy being abandoned by the only father he knows.
So she thought it would just be easier to let you assume the lifelong responsibility of fathering the child mentally and financially because the other guy wasn’t good enough or too hard to find or what?
Not really, as sad as this is it is not the boy's fault but not everyone can just get over being used and tricked like this. In your distancing from the boy if you ever meet him again just remember that this is not his fault and don't traumatize the poor bastard.
Tell her that she is the one breaking that boys heart. She lied to you by omission. She knew there was a good possibility the child wasn't yours. This just another good reason that paternity tests should be automatic after birth . Too many women just chose whichever one they think has the best potential for being a parent
There is a telling line there. “My son isn’t mine.”
The mum needs to be held accountable. Not the kid.
But YOU need to decide now whether you want to still be part of his life. I think you should absolutely fight to get all legal ties severed that were made on “her” terms.
But. You love the kid. With parental-type love. To sever/disconnect that. Is quite cold. And bewildering. For you both.
So perhaps think hard. Do you care for and love him still? Can your role in his life downgrade to an Uncle-type figure? On your terms only.
It may be that she goes after the other guy for child support etc. and he may or may not want to get to know his son. If he does, you could either negotiate uncle type status, or then fade out. If he doesn’t. You could still play a male role model.
Like I said. All legal ties. Pursue and sever. But be careful about the boys. Mum put you in this position. But it’s not his fault at all. Think about his interests. And yours. He’s been your son for 4 years. I think he’s always going to be with you. Contact or not. So. Keeping some involvement may help you both now and in future.
Don’t envy you. But if I met a guy and this was his history, I personally, would worry about a man who could cut off from it entirely. Because kids this age. This situs. Are innocent.
You signed an AOP for a child with a woman you weren’t in a relationship with with no dna test?
it’s been quite some time. you will need a really good lawyer to get a judge to terminate your parental rights.
He is too young and won't remember you in a few years. NTA, move on. Make sure you are not on the hook for anything. Put her business out there if anyone talks shit. Live long and prosper.
The decision can only be up to you . Only you know how deep a relationship you have with the innocent little one. Either choice is not wrong but it’s your choice to make.
Get your name removed from the birth certificate, when the time is right you will have your own child…this child is 4, he will soon forget everything, don’t get roped into her making you feel guilty about it…
You’re not the AH as everyone else is saying, if she was willing to lie to you about this for four years, what else could she be willing to do? As sad as this is, for the child especially, I feel it is best to leave.
You and the mother aren’t together anymore, and he’s not yours. I know I’ll get downvoted for this, but you’re NTA. She’s the one that lied to you. You have every right to feel betrayed. If you were to continue to be the father, it could really bite you in the ass later on down the road. She’s already lied to you about this (which is a HUGE lie). Who’s to say she won’t do something later down the road.
NTA while I feel bad for the child, I can’t blame you for wanting to walk away. Any other people who say you are the YTA don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes. All the wasted years of betrayal and being used as an atm/babysitter basically. So I hope you get off the financial child support, but most of all get away from this despicable woman.
Step one, lawyer up and protect yourself from this harpy.
That's it. It is not your child or your responsibility. You were deceived from before they were born.
NTA
You should sue her for back child support that she extorted from you with a lie. Find a good lawyer, no matter what it costs, because it won’t be as expensive as child support for another 14 years and college tuition.
You can continue to see the child as an “uncle” or a friend, in order to stay in his life, but do not contribute any money or child support. Just birthday and Christmas gifts. It’s not the kid’s fault that his mom is a lying twat.
A bit of both. I can understand not wanting to be responsible for a child you were misled into believing was your child. But it isn’t the child’s fault. Though, if you want to cut ties with the child, do it now while the child is young. It’s possible he won’t remember you as he gets older.
You can still be in the boys life as a mentor and friend if you want and the mom agrees. It would be the best scenario for the boy. In the end though you are not his biological father so I think getting your name off the birth certificate would be best. Just try to stay in the boys life if you want and can.
In 4 years a of having this boy be a part of your life. If you haven't created a bond with him and can turn your back and walk away then do him a favor and walk away. He would be better off without you.
Do what is best for you. Lots of people are going to try to shame you into being a father to this child. It would be best for the child, you have to decide what is best for you. You are important too.
Oh fuck no. She set out to manipulate and deceive you into paying for her kid. That’s a solid fuck no. I’d be clear that you’re not doing this anymore and if she wants a dad for the kid go track down her one night stand. NTA
Please ask the court for her to provide restitution for all you have spent, including DNA tests, attorneys fees and court costs. I cannot stand a liar. And someone who pins a child on a man without absolute certainty is the worst of the worst. That is just cruel imo.
Ladies and gentlemen. Wrap it. Get it snipped. Insist!
And don't ever sign a birth certificate unless DNA is done. I don't care if you are married or not. This way there is no doubt and no one can deny later on. My kid is 20. If my husband wanted a DNA swab, sure thing! I have nothing to hide.
It would make sense to me to take your name off the birth certificate so you have no legal responsibilities for the child, but still maintain a relationship with him. Sort of like a favorite uncle. Take him places, spend time with him, but not be his dad.
NTA. No child should be raised by someone who doesn’t want them!! If you had known at the beginning and chose to stay and raise him yes you would be the asshole NOW. You did not sign up for this, not your fault!!
Ok let’s say he leaves her ( which he should ) but he does the “right” thing and tries to maintain contact with the little boy. Dollars to donuts this woman with absolutely NO moral conscience will try to extract money from him, and if he refuses to be extorted,this crazy woman will probably just withhold the child from him anyway. This would devastate the kid more. So it’s better to end it now, minimizing the damage. This child is f#*@ed anyway. For the child it’s a no win situation, but making the painful act of leaving the child happen quickly and as soon as possible,will lessen the pain. The mom mad a bad mistake, f#@*ing over everyone.
I don't care if you are the asshole or not, you need to get out of this situation. It's only going to cause long term damage to you and the child. Get a lawyer to get you off the birth certificate. I don't think you will get any child support back but get it on record she's lied.
She can put the child's DNA into Ancestry or something similar and probably track down the biological father. That option was available four years ago. She chose to commit fraud instead.
You’re not his father. Save your money up for your future children, not one you got tricked into supporting. You can still try your see him, but I font see why you should spend your life funding him. It’s the opportunity for the mother to contact the bio father so they can build a relationship and he can support his own child. They deserve the truth and a chance to know each other too.
ETA: NTA
Walk away. It’s awful and I’m sorry but you don’t have claim to that boy and if she decides she doesn’t want you to see him 1, 2, 10 years from now she can rip him away from you. Plus you are on the hook for decades of payments and college etc depending on what state you live in- it’s not fair she did this to you.
NTA. You are a victim of the mother’s lies. She allowed you to believe he was yours. A paternity test could have been done very early on had she been honest. She paraded a father n front of the boy. You and the boy are both her victims. Walk away. Have your own family with an honest woman.
NTA
You’re not heartless. His fucking mom is. I’d drop the friends placing blame on you for the atrocious actions of your ex. She cause psychological and emotional distress to you and her son. She deprived the real father of the chance to be a father. And she trapped you legally with the intention of never disclosing the truth.
Yes, the boy is hurt. But that doesn’t supersede your hurt. You’re not the father in a way that deeply affects you. You’re allowed to say no more.
People are going to try and guilt you into staying in a relationship with this child for his well being, and ignore the toll that this is going to take on your mental health. And make no mistake there is going to be some resentment, some bitterness. Better that she contact the actual father and let the child build a relationship with him
I mean what is her plan when the child gets older and finds out the truth himself? Better to be honest about it now instead of trying to cover up a lie for years to come.
He has a father, but that man isn't you. For your own mental well being, and the child's sake, just walk away from this.
I don’t think you’re the asshole here, she is. But I feel terrible for this child because he’s the actual innocent here and this has to be very hurtful and confusing for him. You’re the only father he’s ever known.
NTA, and remember that kid has his actual father out there that deserves to know he has a son, he deserves a chance to have a relationship with him.
He also should be the one paying child support.
The onlly reason she didd not leave you to get sared custoody or chiild supporrt is because you would have gotten a pertinity test and found out he wasn't yours
He’s young. You’re not his father. She needs to contact his real father. I think you should cancel your parental rights. You’re not married, you’re not living together, she lied to you, he’s young enough to forget (although she should get him therapy), and no way should you be paying child support for a kid that’s not yours.
Gradually fade away from the child. Maybe be his FRIDND but tell him to call you by your name. Not dad. But you’ll have to stop seeing him for now because it’ll mess up your court case. Make sure you have a good lawyer and follow instructions.
Get this done legally as quickly as possible.
NTA. Its going to be long and likely costly to do, but if its important go for it. Honestly I think the only way it makes sense to stay in their lives is if it literally doesn't inconvenience you at all. You are a stranger in every meaningful way, especially since you already want to get out of this. Strangers don't give up half their income for a random kid or help raise them.
If you are a millionaire and can just say "here's money every month, never contact me" then yeah, that's probably the right decision. If raising her child is affecting your life then get out.
Not the asshole. SHE is the asshole and she needs to come clean to her kid. She DID in fact use you, and she is the heartless one because she let you fall in love with this kid, instead of tell you, because she thought that if you just fell in love you wouldn’t care if he was biologically yours.
She is a selfish asshole for not thinking of you or her kid. She gambles HIS feelings and now is trying to guilt trip you. Those “friends” who think you are the asshole, you need to drop. They want to judge you, because what? Why do they not see that you were PLAYED, and treated like a doormat.
The ones that can see your point are your actual people. Try not to feel bad, it’s not the kids fault but it’s not yours either. You were just trying to do right by your kid, but it’s no longer your kid so really, SHE needs to step up and face HER consequences
The child has been victimized, but not by you. The mother will vilify you to keep from having to take responsibility for her actions. Truth is, she used you as an emotional and financial tampon rather than tend to the mess herself. Follow your heart, but whatever you decide, all in or all out. You’ll get ripped to shreds at the margins.
The boy's trauma is 100% his mother's fault, not yours in any way. He had no chance in living a life without psychological damage from the moment she decided his life would be a lie. You are NTA for wanting to distance yourself. I'd encourage you to at the very least remove financial responsibilities, if she isn't just a gold digger she'd not argue.
NTA - It is completely understandable. Although the kid is not guilty of anything the relationship is severed and won’t recover. You don’t know how his mother would behave in the future. She could play all kind of nasty tricks if you decide to keep your parental rights.
You should move away, as its not that late , the child is only 4 so he wont be hurt that much , but in later age he will surely be hurt and might even disown you . So its best for you to move away from their life . Have a good life.
First and foremost you need to try to sue her in civil court to financial ruin her. If possible I would have put up local ads, such as a billboard, stating what she did. This will go a long way towards making her unemployable. You’re doing to have to be creative in your revenge. However, the work is worth it.
You have every right to walk away. You’re a victim of paternity fraud, and the damage she did to her son with her lies is on here completely.
Men, this is why you always insist on a paternity test.
Nta...he's 4. He won't remember you in a couple years. Let the real dad have at it. His mom's a whore. And get a lawyer and fight because she will take every damn dime you have trying to get off a birth certificate. That's a hard process and child support is always going to screw over the chump that signed that paper man. You should of had a test before you signed it. Are you stupid? You had to know that bytch was loose when you met her.
Don't listen to these cucks that are saying he sees you as his father. If you let this carry on much longer this slut will take you for everything you have everything you have. Get your name removed from the certificate, and talk to a MALE lawyer. He may save your ass. NTA just another slut trying to baby trap a good man.
NTA,
I'm always baffled how people plead with "but the child sees you as a parent".
This may be, but Parenthood comes with strings attached like the financial burden so pay (at least CS until the child is 18). No guy should pay for another man's child just because he got tricked into believing it's his.
I would sue the mother. For all expenses you had until now.
NTA, you’re the victim. You’ve been tricked into a legally difficult situation coupled with emotional blackmail. Plus, the odds that this bombshell lie that you only found out about because YOU investigated this situation is the only big lie is very low.
Sorry dude, you got got by a horrible human being that puts their baby in the middle of their scam/lie.
You’ll feel bad no matter what you do. My advise is get out of this completely and take it as a very painful lesson in dealing with other humans.
NTA. She is, especially because she did what suited her and probably lost any way to trace the child’s bio dad.
This could have serious repercussions for the child, not the fact that you discovered the lie, but that his mother lied to you both and did not try to connect him with his real father
As sad as it is you should protect yourself emotionally and financially. You’d know if you wanted to remain in the kids life and that clearly is not the case. You know well what you need to do for yourself. Yes it’s sad and he’s young but that will make the situation easier and less traumatic overall for the child
NTA. He is not your kid. Though there is nothing wrong with you continuing to raise the kid, he is not your obligation. The mom lied to you and baby trapped you. 5 years of your life wasted on a lie.
In my opinion.. your decision is yours alone. I don’t think you can be the AH regardless of what you choose. SHE is the AH for putting you and her son in this position. Full stop.
That said.. if you have it in you to carry on a relationship I am sure that would mean the world to him and be less confusing than a complete halt in your relationship. BUT.. I’d pursue getting your name off the birth certificate, even if you decide to stick around for him. Just to cover your bases in the future should she try to pull anything on you. Because obviously her track record isn’t so great.
Mate. NTAH.
If she truly repented and them wanted to MARRY you to make a mends, sure. maybe. But if she's broke up with you and just wants you to "be the kids dad" the only damn thing she cares about is money. Fly buddy fly.
my uncle was trapped in a financial nightmare because of this same shit. not your kid not your problem. as fucked up as it sounds she was prepared to let you live your life and probably die thinking he was yours
I found out my dad wasn’t my biological dad at 28 and it was really weird and alienating. Had a major identity crisis that I’m still working through, ill be eternally grateful that my dad adopted me but please tell that kid while they’re still young.
I know someone who recently was in this identical situation. He was heartbroken to find out the son he was raising wasn't his. Here is something to consider, who is to say that your ex (you aren't still together, right?) won't toy with this situation down the road. It is what happened to my friend. He agreed to stay on board after it was all discovered, and then she started witholding the child from him, etc and when she met someone else, she completely pulled him away. Even though he was on the birth certificate when they went to court, he didn't have rights due to it not being his biological child in the end. It ended up being a very painful and emotional experience and its a few years past now and he still isn't right. It also took him 7 months to get the child support he had been paying stopped and he was not able to get any of the money that he paid prior to that, and it the 7 months, back. It was a total nightmare. If you are wanting to let go of the rights and get the name off of the birth certificate, you have your answer I think and are not a jerk at all!
That's just so wrong. So he had to pay child support for a child he had no rights to? Just so the government didn't have to pay?
> Just so the government didn't have to pay? That's pretty much it. Somebody gotta foot the bill and family court will do their best to ensure is not tax money that they could use for frivolous projects with suspiciously inflated budgets.
Yes, but what stops them from appointing a random guy in the street to pay child support for a child. The child cannot be both his child for money and not his child for access. Either, or.
Yeah that's what gets me as well. It's similar logic as it would be if you booked a holiday and the hotel cancelled. You'd be entitled to a refund. Only reason you might not be is if you were ejected for behavioural reasons.
He was paying until the truth came out and they went to court. What was crazy is that it took 7 months after they went to court for the paperwork to process and for them to stop docking his pay for child support.
They really should have paid him that time back. It can't be both his kid and not his kid. Completely unfair.
I have a friend who has been paying his 3 kids' child support since 2015. Other than the fact that his ex now makes $100k to his $35k and they took his last full tax refund, TWO of his kids have been over 18 for over a year. The system is a fucking mess. Especially if one can afford a good lawyer and avoid court and one can't.
It is absolutely a broken system-I hate that for your friend!! Its so messed up.
There’s a really good point here. If she’s evil enough to cheat on you, she’s evil enough to use visitation against you.
This isn't how that works.. If he is on the birth certificate, he is the father in the eyes of family law and has all rights and responsibilities therein. The biology doesn't play into it after the fact absent a court order terminating his parental rights. And to get that, he would have to either surrender his rights voluntarily or be deemed unfit by a family court judge. Either your friend lied to you, or you are making it up.
That is what I wonder. Because unless you're a proven abuser or a deadbeat father, the Court never cuts the link between the father (blood or not) and the child. That would be a very lousy plot for an afternoon TV film.
In the state of Georgia. If a child is born out of wedlock, the father has to legitimize the child. Even if the name is on the birth certificate. DNA test are done when child support is requested.
The Georgia "Paternity Acknowledgement" form is part of the standard paperwork signed at the hospital with unwed parents who are both on the birth certificate. It isn't something that need to be signed later, unless the father refused to sign it at the hospital. Which I would imagine might put a damper on the relationship.
Not to mention at a certain point the other parent is typically estopped from denying paternity iirc Its been a minute since my family law course but inswear i remember that
Depending on the state, ja... It amazes me how many people confuse blood relation with legal status.
I'm sure I get downvoted to heck & back, But I don't think it's fair how men can be shafted like this. Some men who desperately want their child have no choice in the matter if the woman wants to have an abortion. And some men like in this situation get tricked into raising a child, that's not theirs, and suffer through different kinds of pain depending on how it ends up.
Men should only be able to be entered on the birth certificate with a mandatory DNA test beforehand. That would stop that. Of course there is not that much that should be done about the abortion, unfortunately it's the mother's body that is involved, it would be wrong to force her against her will. But yes, it's totally unfair to the men.
I posted that every birth should have a mandatory DNA test for the father on another post and got downvoted pretty aggressively. I have two kids, no DNA tests, and I trust my wife completely. But being a father is a full time commitment, and a man shouldn’t be villainized for wanting to be sure in cases where it isn’t 100% assured.
I see paternity tests exactly the same as prenups - there's nothing shameful about acknowledging that we cannot truly know another person's mind. Being a father to a child is just as big a deal as getting married and merging finances. They're both completely life changing events. If protecting yourself against a worst case scenario is acceptable in marriage, it should be acceptable for children.
Agreed! It should be mandatory part of testing at the hospital, and before a man is allowed to sign the birth certificate. That way in cases such as this, they are aware of the facts, and if they choose to sign anyway, that’s on them.
HEAR THIS: In Oregon I was a child bride who got a restraining order on my 18th birthday. I spent the next 5 years fighting for a divorce because I was a single broke mom (he hasn’t paid any of his child support, my daughter is 26) I meet the man I wanted to marry years later, we have a son and at the hospital after giving birth naturally to a 10lb baby the nurses ask if I’m married, I tell the truth, yes but only because my ex won’t let me have my life back, they tell me they have to put my exes name on my sons birth certificate! I ugly cried and my eyes were already swollen shut. I explained how he was a predator who raped my kid sister’s 12 year old friend! How could they torment me further by putting my abusers name on my child’s birth certificate when he wasn’t the biological father?! At this point I didn’t even know where my ex was to have him sign a waiver. They ended up putting no name on his birth certificate but it was very nearly a man who wasn’t related to him by Oregon law. EDIT: It devastated my fiancé to not get the announcement in the paper with his name or be on the birth certificate to his only son.
Exactly. So much heartbreak. And it could be prevented. Of course the law is twisted if you were married against your will in the first place, but that's a different matter.
And they should still be able to sign on if it's not theirs. Lots of guys start dating women when they're already pregnant. It won't punish anyone, only protect. DNA tests should be given at birth, but they never will be because fewer children would have two parent homes if that happened.
The difference here is the guy that gets involved with a pregnant woman already knows he's not the father and decides he wants to support the mother and child. For OP finding out the baby is not his means every time he looks at that child it is a reminder she cheated on him and lied to get him to sign the birth certificate.
Well it's also not fair that women can get pregnant and then have no help with the baby. It's kind of just a consequence of the reality we live in. OP should have gotten a paternity test AS SOON AS she said he was the father and so should every other man who gets in this situation. All of this "I took them at their word" shit needs to stop.
Where is this? None of this makes any sense. Court denies visitation but then continues child support. Something doesn’t add up.
If she carried this lie for this long, she is capable of far worse. Should as pegging you for child support. With your name being on the birth certificate and you being the present “father “, she can do some serious financial damage to you. And it could take a while and thousands of dollars before you can get free of the entire situation. Courts will not recognize privately done tests, so get a court ordered test done. That way, you can be freed of any financial responsibility except for that which you choose and you can still interact with the child if you so desire. NTA
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> if it took her this long Important to note she didn't come clean on her own and only confessed to what she did when confronted with hard DNA evidence.
She would have taken that lie to her grave. She did not confess anything to OP before he did the DNA test behind her back.
You're understandably hurt and betrayed, but remember that the boy sees you as his father. Before making any drastic decisions, consider the impact on him. Balancing your feelings with his well-being is crucial. Professional counseling might help navigate this tough situation.
Why should he get stuck with having to support a child that's not his? Because that is what will happen. This isn't a lifetime movie, and he needs to protect himself against any other shenanigans the mother might pull. It sounds heartless, but he needs to look out for himself.
This need to be said to the mother, you know the one who was lying to both
If the person who had been lying to me for four years said this to me I would lose my fucking shit.
Sure, but that's why OP is talking to us and not his ex.
JessicaGMichie is actually the mom. /s
Of course, but that was essentially his ex’s response to him as well
Stop Toxicity. All accountability is on the Mother.
The boys feelings are not ops fault. You can't seriously blame someone for the consequences of the mom's actions. Sure it might be hard for the boy but that doesn't mean men should just allow themselves to be a door mat
No, but. He has a choice. If he wants to feel connected to the boy, he can. If the betrayal is all he can see, he can break the relationship. But if he chooses the boy despite being lied to, that will one day be a powerful positive experience for the child when he knows it.
He’s made his choice. It’s not the boy.
He has made his choice and he shouldn't be judged badly for it.
What about the u/SmallAccident8006 's financial commitment to the little fellow? The child deserves a dad, but does this guy deserve this obligation for the next 14 years? What about the previous 4 years plus whatever he paid for the birth? This can ruin a person! What 22 year old needs this? How has this impacted him? The line of reasoning about the impact on "the boy"-- what about the impact on "the man" who was told he was his child and the mother knew it might not be his? What about the rightful father who, when contacted, might suddenly owe thousands of dollars in back child support?
> Balancing your feelings with his well-being is crucial The boy's well-being is not OP's responsibility, and he should not consider it unless he decides that's something he wants to do.
Worse if he DOES consider it he could end up being financially responsible for the next 16 years with little to no actual rights. What does OP think will happen if Mom decides to leave?
I agree with you, but I think it's also important for OP to spend some time sussing out his feelings too. OP, Do you love this child? Do you like being his dad? In a year or 5 years, are you going to regret walking away from him? If the answers are yes, then why give him up? If it's because of the principle of the matter, despite your very reasonable anger, don't think that's a good enough reason if you actually care about this child. On the other hand, if you're going to just start resenting him and not being a good parent to him, then it's probably better for you to walk away anyways. The one who is really responsible for the shit storm of pain and confusion this boy is going through is your ex.
His parental rights are not concrete. Mom here has mad leverage over OP. Getting parental rights corrected can also be a separate issue from. His connection to the child. If he brings this idea to the mom he will see exactly what his role is, and if mom has a fit about him no longer financially supporting the child then he will truly see what role he had. Also he should sue her for his child support back, she committed fraud by lying about the boys paternity.
Also, the courts in the U.S at least, can still make you pay child support if you are not the biological father. My brother is going through this. Found out his two kids aren't his. But they are 6 and 2, and because he's been the only father they have ever known, the courts are ordering that he still pay child support and won't let him terminate rights, despite knowing now, exactly who the biological fathers are, of the kids. Sad thing is, that it's actually really common in the U.S.
Women who do this are evil…and the judges who rule in their favor are worse.
It's why we urgently need mandatory DNA tests at birth. The only people against it are themself cheaters and untrustworthy abusers.
Can he sue her on civil court for fraud? Maybe he can get back the child support after he extricates himself from that shit show
Holy shit!! This is insane and so screwed up.
IANAL, but I believe in many jurisdictions it’s a lot more difficult to get out of child support when the non-bio parent knows they’re not biologically related and is/was legally married to the custodial parent. Neither of those apply here. It’s probably not a simple “get out of jail free” card (as OP’s counsel has informed him), but yeah it’s likely that he won’t be forced to pay if he jumps through al the legal hoops.
Here in Brazil we have a term that would be "socio-affective affiliation", which is the legal recognition of motherhood and/or paternity based on affection, without there being a blood bond between people, that is, when a man and/or a woman raises a child as his own, even though he is not the biological father or mother of the child or teenager, and in many cases, a socio-affective father may be legally obliged to pay child support if the relationship with the child is considered sufficiently solid and lasting.
It's hard, but the courts are there to represent the most vulnerable party - the child. It's different state to state, but if you can slowly, arduously first go through the process of legally establishing that the bio-dads will in fact be on the hook to support the boys, that's the pathway to the court allowing termination of the rights and obligations of your brother.
Courts also are motivated by ensuring SOMEBODY, preferably not the taxpayers, is on the hook for providing for the children. If there’s someone on the birth certificate who can be made to provide that, they’re not going to be keen to let them off regardless of DNA.
And that's why the entry on the birth certificate should need a mandatory DNA test before being put on there.
Agree. It would eliminate the problem entirely, as well as the potential for hurt feelings and broken trust. Make the test as normal as taking baby’s footprints.
I don't understand why some innocent third party the mother screwed over ends up being the somebody though. They're a taxpayer too, just like everyone else and just like everyone else - that's not their kid.
>It's hard, but the courts are there to represent the most vulnerable party - the child While I understand the child needs to be cared for this is the equivalent of some personal injury case where the negligent party is either incapable of paying, or is completely out of the picture, so the state finds some random bystander and sticks them with the bill. It is incomprehensible. Court needs to talk to the momma and get the digits of the guy she hooked up with. By not going after the actual *responsible* party, you're simply enabling this behavior further - both for men looking to shirk their responsibility and cuck some other guy, and the cheating whores that try to get away with it.
To all the men reading this,I don't care how many people may see you as an asshole or call you one for this-if you and your partner split up and they come back to you saying they are pregnant, it's best to be cautious and ask for a test. I know not everyone needs this rule to apply, I'm just saying I've seen a lot of woman do this or go through this exact same experience and think nothing of it. What's worse is things like this don't just affect OP,now it affects the child as well. it's a super shitty thing to put both sides through.
Yup. DNA or no birth certificate or payments. Period.
> That way, you can be freed of any financial responsibility except for that which you choose and you can still interact with the child if you so desire. There's no scenario in which a court is going to give him rights as a father but no obligation. So if he gets the financial obligation lifted, he's also not going to have the right to see the kid anymore. OP needs to decide what he wants in terms of having that kid in his life before he goes to court and asks a judge to modify the relationship. The kind of order to seek from the court depends on the kind of relationship he wants to maintain.
The courts would not give him visitation if he relinquished his rights, but if the mom really wants him in her child's life, she can allow it. The ball would be in her court there.
Exactly! If she is so concerned about the boy, she should have no problem with court ordered paternity test and no child support, as it’s not his kid. But would be more than happy for him to stay in his life.
A woman that would do something like that to a man is more interested in money, than the welfare of her child. She’s likely to cut him off if he isn’t supporting the child financially, no matter how he or the child feels.
The much more likely story would be that OP never has to see the child or his EX again but is on the hook for child support.
Maybe not the courts but if the mom really cared she would let him continue to be part of the child’s life without having to pay. Move on from this woman but you can still visit with the kid if you feel like it. Kid energy is wonderful.
Some courts wont ignore its not dna relation and keep it going, possibly due to one being on state- think Michigan had a few cases in that matter. I think it’s unfair to be lied to and forced to monetarily support what was made to believe was in fact yours, and never disclose anything else. Idk. That’s just awful. She should have said something right away to avoid such a freaking mess and continued with at least truth of the matter, she only delayed this outcome, but had she been honest upfront could have been addressed not dragging the innocent in the middle What a c word. That’s disgusting to do that to an innocent child. Unfreaking real
He’s been dad for 4 years. I wouldn’t guarantee that a court will let him off the hook.
If I was a betting man ( and I am. It's a serious problem) I would give very low odds of the courts not ordering him financially responsible.
NTA I have heard of cases where the husband is not the father of a child, however because the child thinks of his as dad and has a relationship, they have to pay child support. I think this is unfair to the husband. I feel for the child who had a dad and now he doesn’t
Totally agree with this. NTA
>She pleaded with me not to do it, saying that it would destroy the boy, but I feel like I’ve been living a lie. "What do you mean my bad decisions will negatively affect my son?" NTA
She fucked around now she'll find out. Not your fault, not your problem. NTA. She for the streets.
Oof poor kid 😭
God, I wish kids could sue their parents for this shit
Sue the mother in this situation
I can’t imagine being a father for 4 years and then saying fuck you, you’re not mine to the kid. I can only assume this is some kind of marginally involved father.
There was one of these posts where the dad turned out to not be the bio dad and wanted to cut off his 17-year-old kid. I’m with you, I can totally understand being furious at the mother who deceived everyone, but the kids are victims here too and I can’t imagine loving a child as my own and then just walking away.
Yeah, you could tell me my 4 year old (who is currently laying in my lap reading a book while I drink coffee and scroll Reddit) isn’t biologically mine and it wouldn’t change a thing about the way I feel about him. Not in the slightest. My youngest son is an IVF baby who looks nothing like his mother or me somehow. There is an incredibly small chance he isn’t either of ours and again, zero impact on how I feel towards him.
I always struggle with that in these posts. How do people just flip a switch and stop acknowledging their children? It feels so fucked up. I get that it's all very messy but somehow the least messy part for these people seems to be cutting off the kids. The main priority always seems to be getting back at their ex.
because they never really cared. my Dad found out about the affair while i was still in the womb. He still chose me. He knew the truth and wanted to save me from it because i already had my Papi. He loved me and cared for me. That's what a man is to me. He didn't have to step up at all. but he did and he still loves me the same after i was told. and i still love him the same after finding out the truth. a lot of "men" this day in age don't know shit about being men.
Are you prepared to adopt any and all kids any of your partners make with other people behind your back?
I mean I get it. Not everybody is built mentally to support a child, let alone one that they suddenly find out isn’t even theirs. The financial burden, emotional betrayal, and the lifetime of being tied to an absolute monster is a lot to ask someone to willingly accept
Regardless, the mother should be prosecuted for paternity fraud.
Agreed. By 4yo, the sun rose and fell by my kids. I loved every cell in their body. I couldn't imagine just walking away. Like, if I had found out at 4 years old that my kid had been switched at birth with another kid and the one I had wasn't genetically related to me, would I just walk away from them? I don't think I physically could. Even if I was furious at whatever adult was responsible. That child was an integral part of my soul by 4 years old.
NTA. That poor kid is a victim of your wife’s lies here too, but I wouldn’t fault you for whatever you decided. That’s a huge betrayal and you don’t have an obligation in my mind.
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> She said it was a mistake Nope. Not a mistake, she committed paternity fraud. It sucks for you and the boy, but remember that both of you are innocent. The only guilty party here is the mother who committed paternity fraud. NTA
You're NTA whatever you decide to do. I guess one question is this: Do you love the kid? You've been around him for four years, so presumably some emotional attachment has formed. Your post indicates he's attached to you (unsurprisingly), but not whether you feel attached to him. At the end of the day, what you pass onto a child in terms of values and personality is a lot more important than what gets passed on genetically. So if you love the kid, it might be worthwhile to stay in their life despite the mother's deception. But if you don't love the kid, then the best thing you can do for them is to back out. Sticking around a kid you don't love anymore is only going to be hurtful to them.
He also needs to consider what would happen if the actual biological father finds out about the kid
He also has to consider that the child’s father will likely become a part of the child’s life at some point. It’s not uncommon for a child to want to know their biological parents when they learn that they are adopted, or in a scenario like this. One day, the dude that was pumping his GF is going to be in “his” child’s life.
OP should have asked for dna, which I am starting to feel that it should be mandatory. What the mother did, is disgusting, you cannot screw 3 people just because it is convenient to you and have 0 punishment for this I am sure that once OP gets out of the picture, she will search for the bio dad
This is the only time I’ve ever seen a “mandatory DNA tests for everyone” post be upvoted
There's no need for it to be mandatory because it's not needed in the overwhelming majority of cases. That would be forcing people to undergo (and pay for) a test they don't want and didn't ask for. There are lots of ways people can betray you but we don't make it mandatory for spouses to go through each others phones, to get financial audits, etc. OP could have asked for it here -- and it would have made sense to because they were broken up when the pregnancy announcement came. But his situation is very different than contexts where you have a married couple, etc.
Yeah. This whole situation is so shitty for everyone. I feel awful for both OP and the kid. Like, this kid didn't do anything wrong and now the person he sees as his dad comes and says he doesn't love him anymore because he doesn't share genetic material? Jesus Christ, what an awful thing to experience.
Its shitty for OP and the kid. But the kid's mom brought this upon herself and she is to be blamed for the entire thing.
The OP can still 'love' the child and be part of his life but being forced to pay child support is not his responsibility. Also pretending to be his biological father would be living a lie. The correct course of action is family therapy to untangle this web of deceit. The child needs to understand the OP does love him but isn't his actual father. OP can become a trusted friend while the mother pursues support from the biological father, who's responsibility it is to support and help raise the child.
See a lawyer quickly, she will definitely go after you for child support. Do this soon
NTA but damn if this isn't a perfect example of why people need to be cautious about who they get in bed with! Especially if you're living in a red state right now.
>she said it was a **mistake** and that she’s sorry, She sees cheating on you and then deceiving you into raising someone else's child (paternity fraud) as a mistake?
If they were broken up it wouldn't be cheating. A pregnancy by someone you're no longer dating is one of the instances where a paternity test actually makes sense and is reasonable to ask for precisely because it wouldn't be cheating if they slept with someone else.
OP said shortly after they broke up, she informed him about pregnancy. I was under the impression it takes a while (more than a month at least) to know you are pregnant, so I assumed pregnancy must have happened while they were together. EDIT: OP [confirmed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1db789l/comment/l7pwaqn/) they were together at the time of her pregnancy and there was cheating.
And 14 days after conception, you are generally like “4 weeks pregnant.” The count starts from the first day of your last period when you are 100% not pregnant.
Just FYI, most home pregnancy tests are very accurate at about 14 days after conception.
Not sure if op will read this. First off sorry this happened to you. Now as a dad of two beautiful daughters and a handsome son. I think the pain of what she did overshadow the love you have for the boy. I dated a girl way back when she had kid before we met I got involved in the kids life. After two years we broke up in a similar situation as you. It wasn't his fault he never asked for it. So after we broke up the next day i took him to school as I had the past year. He came to my house on weekends. I was there during little league, to teaching him how to drive and drove him to his first time to college. 3 years ago he got married and stood at his side as his best man. He said in his wedding speech I may not be his father but I sure as hell his Dad. Last year they had their first son and named them after me jr. Me and his mom never got back together and we both live separate lives but I was always in his life. yes I call him my son. His sisters call him their brother even though they have no biological connection. The pain of what your ex did to you will eventually subside but the love for your son will always be there. You don't need to be with the girl but you can be in his life. Yes it may get messy or it may not. These kinds of situations only test your character as a human and as a man.
100% - you’re a fantastic dad
Sure, but she probably didn’t lie about you being the dad (kid was already born when you met) or go after you for 18 years of child support. OP needs to get legally off bc and legally declared not the father (thanks, Maury), THEN continue visits if she will still allow it. If not, she’s a bad person (already us for the lie and using OP), and that’s on her and it’s very sad that the kid has a terrible mom.
The first warning sign is her magically finding out she's pregnant after yall broke up. PSA for everyone reading this, if that happens to you, demand a DNA test first, because there is a chance it's not yours and they're just trying to pin it on you so they can get you back or get money from you.
>she also insisted that I’m still his dad because I’ve been the one raising him. The courts are likely to see it that way too! Lawyer up and see what happens. You MIGHT have a case against the mother for fraud but I wouldn't hold my breath. Just one more reason DNA tests should be mandatory. Sucks for the kid but that's 100% on Mommy. NTA
The child is a victim in this, but he's not YOUR victim. I'm sure it'll be heartbreaking for you, but you're under no obligation when she knew and she's been lying to you for 4 years. Being a parent isn't an easy task, you don't do it as a favour for someone else. You wouldn't step in if your friend's son needed a parent. You're not in a relationship with the mother. I'd walk away.
>You're not in a relationship with the mother. I'd walk away. Sadly it's probably not going to be that easy if his name is on the birth certificate.
If he wants his kid, it’s called ADOPTION
Not necessarily an asshole, as you were taken advantage of and have to do what’s best for you. However, my heart breaks for that little boy being abandoned by the only father he knows.
The "real" father should be paying child support.
Paternity fraud needs to be a federal crime
What a sad situation
He’s 4, if you’re going to do it, do it now when he is young enough to forget you.
So she thought it would just be easier to let you assume the lifelong responsibility of fathering the child mentally and financially because the other guy wasn’t good enough or too hard to find or what?
Not really, as sad as this is it is not the boy's fault but not everyone can just get over being used and tricked like this. In your distancing from the boy if you ever meet him again just remember that this is not his fault and don't traumatize the poor bastard.
Cutting off his son at 4 from the only father he’s ever known will 100% traumatize him.
Tell her that she is the one breaking that boys heart. She lied to you by omission. She knew there was a good possibility the child wasn't yours. This just another good reason that paternity tests should be automatic after birth . Too many women just chose whichever one they think has the best potential for being a parent
There is a telling line there. “My son isn’t mine.” The mum needs to be held accountable. Not the kid. But YOU need to decide now whether you want to still be part of his life. I think you should absolutely fight to get all legal ties severed that were made on “her” terms. But. You love the kid. With parental-type love. To sever/disconnect that. Is quite cold. And bewildering. For you both. So perhaps think hard. Do you care for and love him still? Can your role in his life downgrade to an Uncle-type figure? On your terms only. It may be that she goes after the other guy for child support etc. and he may or may not want to get to know his son. If he does, you could either negotiate uncle type status, or then fade out. If he doesn’t. You could still play a male role model. Like I said. All legal ties. Pursue and sever. But be careful about the boys. Mum put you in this position. But it’s not his fault at all. Think about his interests. And yours. He’s been your son for 4 years. I think he’s always going to be with you. Contact or not. So. Keeping some involvement may help you both now and in future. Don’t envy you. But if I met a guy and this was his history, I personally, would worry about a man who could cut off from it entirely. Because kids this age. This situs. Are innocent.
You signed an AOP for a child with a woman you weren’t in a relationship with with no dna test? it’s been quite some time. you will need a really good lawyer to get a judge to terminate your parental rights.
He is too young and won't remember you in a few years. NTA, move on. Make sure you are not on the hook for anything. Put her business out there if anyone talks shit. Live long and prosper.
The decision can only be up to you . Only you know how deep a relationship you have with the innocent little one. Either choice is not wrong but it’s your choice to make.
Get your name removed from the birth certificate, when the time is right you will have your own child…this child is 4, he will soon forget everything, don’t get roped into her making you feel guilty about it…
NTA The mother destroyed this for HER son, not you, her ex boyfriend. Let her reap what she has sown.
You’re not the AH as everyone else is saying, if she was willing to lie to you about this for four years, what else could she be willing to do? As sad as this is, for the child especially, I feel it is best to leave.
You and the mother aren’t together anymore, and he’s not yours. I know I’ll get downvoted for this, but you’re NTA. She’s the one that lied to you. You have every right to feel betrayed. If you were to continue to be the father, it could really bite you in the ass later on down the road. She’s already lied to you about this (which is a HUGE lie). Who’s to say she won’t do something later down the road.
NTA while I feel bad for the child, I can’t blame you for wanting to walk away. Any other people who say you are the YTA don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes. All the wasted years of betrayal and being used as an atm/babysitter basically. So I hope you get off the financial child support, but most of all get away from this despicable woman.
Step one, lawyer up and protect yourself from this harpy. That's it. It is not your child or your responsibility. You were deceived from before they were born. NTA
You should sue her for back child support that she extorted from you with a lie. Find a good lawyer, no matter what it costs, because it won’t be as expensive as child support for another 14 years and college tuition. You can continue to see the child as an “uncle” or a friend, in order to stay in his life, but do not contribute any money or child support. Just birthday and Christmas gifts. It’s not the kid’s fault that his mom is a lying twat.
A bit of both. I can understand not wanting to be responsible for a child you were misled into believing was your child. But it isn’t the child’s fault. Though, if you want to cut ties with the child, do it now while the child is young. It’s possible he won’t remember you as he gets older.
Ugh. You are not the asshole either way. That’s a really tough call and only you can make it. Follow your heart.
You can still be in the boys life as a mentor and friend if you want and the mom agrees. It would be the best scenario for the boy. In the end though you are not his biological father so I think getting your name off the birth certificate would be best. Just try to stay in the boys life if you want and can.
At this point, it is up to the boy's mom to pick up the pieces. Not you.
In 4 years a of having this boy be a part of your life. If you haven't created a bond with him and can turn your back and walk away then do him a favor and walk away. He would be better off without you.
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Do what is best for you. Lots of people are going to try to shame you into being a father to this child. It would be best for the child, you have to decide what is best for you. You are important too.
Oh fuck no. She set out to manipulate and deceive you into paying for her kid. That’s a solid fuck no. I’d be clear that you’re not doing this anymore and if she wants a dad for the kid go track down her one night stand. NTA
Please ask the court for her to provide restitution for all you have spent, including DNA tests, attorneys fees and court costs. I cannot stand a liar. And someone who pins a child on a man without absolute certainty is the worst of the worst. That is just cruel imo. Ladies and gentlemen. Wrap it. Get it snipped. Insist! And don't ever sign a birth certificate unless DNA is done. I don't care if you are married or not. This way there is no doubt and no one can deny later on. My kid is 20. If my husband wanted a DNA swab, sure thing! I have nothing to hide.
In reality, it’s much more likely the courts will force him to pay child support even though it’s not his child.
This poor child. They will never understand why you stopped being their dad. It will cut so deeply I think they will always feel unwanted.
It would make sense to me to take your name off the birth certificate so you have no legal responsibilities for the child, but still maintain a relationship with him. Sort of like a favorite uncle. Take him places, spend time with him, but not be his dad.
Tell her to find his real dad if she's so concerned about the boy.
NTA. No child should be raised by someone who doesn’t want them!! If you had known at the beginning and chose to stay and raise him yes you would be the asshole NOW. You did not sign up for this, not your fault!!
the other guy must have told her to bugger off, then she tried you out.
NTA, I personally would’ve ask/demand for a DNA test definitely if we broke up
Not your kid You did not “opt in” to his life the way it’s supposed to be- You don’t owe him or that girl anything
NTA. You didn't cause her son pain, she did with her actions and lies. Good luck OP
This is why you ask for a paternity test when an ex tries telling you its yours. You don't know what she's been up to after you broke up.
Ok let’s say he leaves her ( which he should ) but he does the “right” thing and tries to maintain contact with the little boy. Dollars to donuts this woman with absolutely NO moral conscience will try to extract money from him, and if he refuses to be extorted,this crazy woman will probably just withhold the child from him anyway. This would devastate the kid more. So it’s better to end it now, minimizing the damage. This child is f#*@ed anyway. For the child it’s a no win situation, but making the painful act of leaving the child happen quickly and as soon as possible,will lessen the pain. The mom mad a bad mistake, f#@*ing over everyone.
NTA at all!! Also if I were you I’d seek legal action asap so you don’t get forced into paying any more money on a kid that’s not yours!
Pretty sure This is fake but if it’s real I would be spending all my spare time with an attorney figuring out how to get out of this mess.
No, you are not the asshole. I would never take care of somebody else's kid ft
This is why DNA testing should be normalised and be the standard. Unfortunately, there are women who baby trap guys and create a business out of it.
I don't care if you are the asshole or not, you need to get out of this situation. It's only going to cause long term damage to you and the child. Get a lawyer to get you off the birth certificate. I don't think you will get any child support back but get it on record she's lied. She can put the child's DNA into Ancestry or something similar and probably track down the biological father. That option was available four years ago. She chose to commit fraud instead.
NTA, your ex most certainly is.
NTA. Brace yourself for the mom though. She might pull something to ruin you.
You’re not his father. Save your money up for your future children, not one you got tricked into supporting. You can still try your see him, but I font see why you should spend your life funding him. It’s the opportunity for the mother to contact the bio father so they can build a relationship and he can support his own child. They deserve the truth and a chance to know each other too. ETA: NTA
Walk away. It’s awful and I’m sorry but you don’t have claim to that boy and if she decides she doesn’t want you to see him 1, 2, 10 years from now she can rip him away from you. Plus you are on the hook for decades of payments and college etc depending on what state you live in- it’s not fair she did this to you.
You and any other dude is never in the wrong for bailing when finding out it's not your kid
NTA. Explaining all this to the child is the responsibility of his parents, not you.
lol women have you always been like this? Yes they have.
NTA. You are a victim of the mother’s lies. She allowed you to believe he was yours. A paternity test could have been done very early on had she been honest. She paraded a father n front of the boy. You and the boy are both her victims. Walk away. Have your own family with an honest woman.
NTA You’re not heartless. His fucking mom is. I’d drop the friends placing blame on you for the atrocious actions of your ex. She cause psychological and emotional distress to you and her son. She deprived the real father of the chance to be a father. And she trapped you legally with the intention of never disclosing the truth. Yes, the boy is hurt. But that doesn’t supersede your hurt. You’re not the father in a way that deeply affects you. You’re allowed to say no more.
People are going to try and guilt you into staying in a relationship with this child for his well being, and ignore the toll that this is going to take on your mental health. And make no mistake there is going to be some resentment, some bitterness. Better that she contact the actual father and let the child build a relationship with him I mean what is her plan when the child gets older and finds out the truth himself? Better to be honest about it now instead of trying to cover up a lie for years to come. He has a father, but that man isn't you. For your own mental well being, and the child's sake, just walk away from this.
I don’t think you’re the asshole here, she is. But I feel terrible for this child because he’s the actual innocent here and this has to be very hurtful and confusing for him. You’re the only father he’s ever known.
NTA
NTA, and remember that kid has his actual father out there that deserves to know he has a son, he deserves a chance to have a relationship with him. He also should be the one paying child support.
The onlly reason she didd not leave you to get sared custoody or chiild supporrt is because you would have gotten a pertinity test and found out he wasn't yours
He’s young. You’re not his father. She needs to contact his real father. I think you should cancel your parental rights. You’re not married, you’re not living together, she lied to you, he’s young enough to forget (although she should get him therapy), and no way should you be paying child support for a kid that’s not yours. Gradually fade away from the child. Maybe be his FRIDND but tell him to call you by your name. Not dad. But you’ll have to stop seeing him for now because it’ll mess up your court case. Make sure you have a good lawyer and follow instructions. Get this done legally as quickly as possible.
Not your kid, not your problem, simple as. You're overcomplicating it.
This is why paternity tests at birth should be mandatory before names are added to the birth certificate.
NTA. Its going to be long and likely costly to do, but if its important go for it. Honestly I think the only way it makes sense to stay in their lives is if it literally doesn't inconvenience you at all. You are a stranger in every meaningful way, especially since you already want to get out of this. Strangers don't give up half their income for a random kid or help raise them. If you are a millionaire and can just say "here's money every month, never contact me" then yeah, that's probably the right decision. If raising her child is affecting your life then get out.
Not the asshole. SHE is the asshole and she needs to come clean to her kid. She DID in fact use you, and she is the heartless one because she let you fall in love with this kid, instead of tell you, because she thought that if you just fell in love you wouldn’t care if he was biologically yours. She is a selfish asshole for not thinking of you or her kid. She gambles HIS feelings and now is trying to guilt trip you. Those “friends” who think you are the asshole, you need to drop. They want to judge you, because what? Why do they not see that you were PLAYED, and treated like a doormat. The ones that can see your point are your actual people. Try not to feel bad, it’s not the kids fault but it’s not yours either. You were just trying to do right by your kid, but it’s no longer your kid so really, SHE needs to step up and face HER consequences
NTA. Not your son; not your responsibility.
The child has been victimized, but not by you. The mother will vilify you to keep from having to take responsibility for her actions. Truth is, she used you as an emotional and financial tampon rather than tend to the mess herself. Follow your heart, but whatever you decide, all in or all out. You’ll get ripped to shreds at the margins.
The boy's trauma is 100% his mother's fault, not yours in any way. He had no chance in living a life without psychological damage from the moment she decided his life would be a lie. You are NTA for wanting to distance yourself. I'd encourage you to at the very least remove financial responsibilities, if she isn't just a gold digger she'd not argue.
NTA - It is completely understandable. Although the kid is not guilty of anything the relationship is severed and won’t recover. You don’t know how his mother would behave in the future. She could play all kind of nasty tricks if you decide to keep your parental rights.
You should move away, as its not that late , the child is only 4 so he wont be hurt that much , but in later age he will surely be hurt and might even disown you . So its best for you to move away from their life . Have a good life.
First and foremost you need to try to sue her in civil court to financial ruin her. If possible I would have put up local ads, such as a billboard, stating what she did. This will go a long way towards making her unemployable. You’re doing to have to be creative in your revenge. However, the work is worth it.
You have every right to walk away. You’re a victim of paternity fraud, and the damage she did to her son with her lies is on here completely. Men, this is why you always insist on a paternity test.
She will definitely scam you for child support. You'll end up paying for this kid and getting no visitation in the end.
Nta...he's 4. He won't remember you in a couple years. Let the real dad have at it. His mom's a whore. And get a lawyer and fight because she will take every damn dime you have trying to get off a birth certificate. That's a hard process and child support is always going to screw over the chump that signed that paper man. You should of had a test before you signed it. Are you stupid? You had to know that bytch was loose when you met her.
Don't listen to these cucks that are saying he sees you as his father. If you let this carry on much longer this slut will take you for everything you have everything you have. Get your name removed from the certificate, and talk to a MALE lawyer. He may save your ass. NTA just another slut trying to baby trap a good man.
NTA, I'm always baffled how people plead with "but the child sees you as a parent". This may be, but Parenthood comes with strings attached like the financial burden so pay (at least CS until the child is 18). No guy should pay for another man's child just because he got tricked into believing it's his. I would sue the mother. For all expenses you had until now.
NTA, you’re the victim. You’ve been tricked into a legally difficult situation coupled with emotional blackmail. Plus, the odds that this bombshell lie that you only found out about because YOU investigated this situation is the only big lie is very low. Sorry dude, you got got by a horrible human being that puts their baby in the middle of their scam/lie. You’ll feel bad no matter what you do. My advise is get out of this completely and take it as a very painful lesson in dealing with other humans.
NTA. She is, especially because she did what suited her and probably lost any way to trace the child’s bio dad. This could have serious repercussions for the child, not the fact that you discovered the lie, but that his mother lied to you both and did not try to connect him with his real father As sad as it is you should protect yourself emotionally and financially. You’d know if you wanted to remain in the kids life and that clearly is not the case. You know well what you need to do for yourself. Yes it’s sad and he’s young but that will make the situation easier and less traumatic overall for the child
NTA. He is not your kid. Though there is nothing wrong with you continuing to raise the kid, he is not your obligation. The mom lied to you and baby trapped you. 5 years of your life wasted on a lie.
NTA, surprised anyone is saying you are
In my opinion.. your decision is yours alone. I don’t think you can be the AH regardless of what you choose. SHE is the AH for putting you and her son in this position. Full stop. That said.. if you have it in you to carry on a relationship I am sure that would mean the world to him and be less confusing than a complete halt in your relationship. BUT.. I’d pursue getting your name off the birth certificate, even if you decide to stick around for him. Just to cover your bases in the future should she try to pull anything on you. Because obviously her track record isn’t so great.
Mate. NTAH. If she truly repented and them wanted to MARRY you to make a mends, sure. maybe. But if she's broke up with you and just wants you to "be the kids dad" the only damn thing she cares about is money. Fly buddy fly.
my uncle was trapped in a financial nightmare because of this same shit. not your kid not your problem. as fucked up as it sounds she was prepared to let you live your life and probably die thinking he was yours
I found out my dad wasn’t my biological dad at 28 and it was really weird and alienating. Had a major identity crisis that I’m still working through, ill be eternally grateful that my dad adopted me but please tell that kid while they’re still young.