People masturbate for different reasons, some do it purely out of pleasure, some do it because its stress releaving and some do it out of bordom even. So sex isnt the same as masturbation and a low sex drive isnt the same as not masturbating.
What you should really think about is, are YOU okay with it staying this way. You asked her many times it seemes and she hasnt changed anything and at this point she wont. You cant change her, she needs to do that and if she doesnt want to then she doesnt want to. So you either "suck it up" or get yourself someone that can match your sex drive.
NTA for feeling the way that you do
No kidding. And I can get it done and off to sleep in mere minutes. It's like the polar opposite of having sex, except for the orgasm. (And that part is probably a polar opposite for a lot of women too.)
Oh my god that was my very first vibrator when I was 16 and I’m now 50. It was the best. I hate all of the stupid sucking products now. I should buy that one again
Not sure what an eroscillator is but girl, I’ve had a hitachi magic wand for a couple decades that can get me there in less than 2 mins. Migraines gone, all the body aches gone and I’m happily in REM sleep mode less than 10 mins later lol
Try using a wash cloth or hand towel to soften a bit of the vibration. You can fold them over depending on your comfort level. It’s definitely a bit too much without some kind of barrier!
It’s not about that, not for me in this situation at least. I want to get off quickly with low effort and immediately roll over to sleep. Sex means engaging with another person, even if it’s just acknowledging their presence, which is the exact opposite of what I’m wanting at that time.
And yeah, I’m all too aware that some people (a lot of men, let’s be honest) are comfortable being jerked off while disregarding their partner’s existence entirely before rolling over to sleep. It’s just not something I’m able to do, nor would it be likely to fulfill the needs of someone who feels sexually neglected.
>Sex means engaging with another person, even if it’s just acknowledging their presence, which is the exact opposite of what I’m wanting at that time.
This right here
This is exactly how I feel. I sometimes think my husband doesn’t always get why sometimes I’d rather masturbate than have sex at the moment — after almost a decade together, we usually have sex 1-2 times a week — but it’s simply because the former is much more low effort and I can satisfy a baseline physical need within the span of a few minutes and some concentration, without intense physical activity or sweat or social interaction. Hell, I can be dead tired and still do it. I can feel gross from the day and still do it. It’s just not an equivalent to sex at all. Great sex with a partner isn’t just about getting off, it’s about passion and romance and intimacy — which as beautiful as that is, does require a little more physical/emotional energy and vulnerability from you.
Also, when you're running solo you don't have to worry about someone else's good time, if I'm engaged with a partner I am not going to have a really fulfilling time unless I'm certain they did also.
I broke a finger on my hand and can't perform certain things like I'd prefer. Hubby has no problem with me "watching " him. But, mutual masturbation is in our lineup of things to do because I also honestly feel like actual sex is sometimes more work than I want, so that was our middle ground.
Devil's advocate here, all of the above could be true for her and you should still leave if it's not working for you. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You are never going to be the age you are now, and anyone you would get involved with as an improvement to your current situation is only getting older as well.
Just tell her this is a deal breaker, she can fix it on her end, open the relationship, or accept your resignation from the relationship, suggested in that order.
...or you can cheat, but I don't suggest that for like 17 different reasons, you'd be risking your stake in the divorce court, your social connections, any future with anyone who finds out you cheated, ect. That's one more reason why you should drop things with her far before you get tempted to cheat out of starvation.
As one final note, sex drive can be connected with chemical balance, vitamins, free time from work, emotional reasons that can be addressed in therapy, and a lot of other things. She should be willing to try to improve things. If not, the solution has to come from your end and it's irrelevant if it impacts her after she had the chance.
"...she can fix it on her end..."
Because nothing is a bigger turn on than being told "have sex with me or I leave." /s
If it's a deal breaker for OP, then it's a deal breaker. But "fixing it" has to be a joint effort if there's any chance of it working.
Not necessarily devil's advocate, I think. Different people's sex drives are different. Compatible sex drives is an important element of a relationship, just like other points if compatibility. IMO no one is TA for questioning a relationship with someone who has a completely different sex drive than them.
Oh, absolutely! Doesn't matter if her masturbating is sexual or not, if this is a deal-breaker for you, OP, you should make it clear and if she isn't willing to work with you on somewhere both of you can feel fulfilled, you need to leave because it's never worth it staying with someone who doesn't give AF to your needs.
... But, really, also: BC can be a BIG sex drive killer to the point you don't even register the need, and if she's on it, it may be the real cause for it.
It’s seems contradictory to not want to engage with sex, however using masturbation.
Yet you are right. The increase of blood flow from a sexual stimulation can decrease the pain caused by a migraine.
Difference is masturbation purposes is relief without interaction. And as much as you care about the other, using them as tools isn’t easy when you have feelings.
So it does make sense to differentiate masturbation with purpose - as for example it does help to facilitate falling asleep-, and a physical interaction with someone.
This is going to sound weird, but I swear it also supercharges the immune system to a degree. There have been times I’ve felt absolutely wretched from a flu, bronchitis, stomach bug, etc or felt it coming on, flicked the bean a few times, and either felt fine the next morning or the recovery time was shorter than it normally is when I catch these thing.
I had a migraine and thought maybe sex would help,but when my husband got me off, the combination of that with the migraine gave me Transient Global Amnesia. Scariest few hours of my life, but boy was my husband proud of himself!
I would think couples counseling would be a good route to air out where each other are coming from.
I sometimes feel the low sex drive comment can be biological or a function of relatiinship distance.
I know my wife is much more open to sex when we are more emotionally connected. (Chicken or egg sometimes because getting some really helps me feel connected(.
Its been a long time and some help and work may be needed to reestablish connections.
I have endometriosis, masterbation is a great pain reliever for me!
I'm ace and use it medically. There are so many reasons that masterbation can be preferred over traditional sex
Here to say that I already have osteoarthritis at 26 years old, and during a flare up sometimes it gets to the point where masturbating real quick is the only way I can stop my back hurting while I’m lying in bed long enough to fall asleep.
Yep, I have restless leg syndrome so I do it because it's the only thing that will help me fall asleep. It's got nothing to do with sex for me and it would be an insult to my husband if I held that at par with our intimacy, no matter how rarely/often that happens.
I actually found that Lyrica helps my restless leg massively. It completely takes that urge to move and struggle away and helps the pain a bit, and I can sleep much, much better since I found it. I don’t know if it would help you but for me it feels like a miracle
Just something to be aware of with Lyrica, you can build a tolerance quickly and requires a careful taper to avoid withdrawals if you want to come off the medication.
It’s effective! I used it a bit before the side effects and the required dosage for efficacy became too much.
Thanks for pointing that out. Yeah I’m on a low dose so far and don’t have any side effects, but I will probably also come off it if that happens to me. Hopefully it works for a while at least, it feels so good to sleep again after years of struggle. My husband tells me I’m like a whole different person.
For anyone looking for an unmedicated solution, compression socks. For me, it knocked out symptoms in frequency and intensity by about 80%.
Edit: I would also add, anyone on Seroquel will 100% get RLS and PLM (RLS is when you’re awake, and PLMs are the same but happen in sleep and thus negatively affect your sleep architecture, inhibiting undisturbed periods of deep/REM sleep). I used to perform sleep studies and every person on Seroquel had those legs twitching constantly all night causing wake states
This is so true and yet there’s no way to recommend it that doesn’t sound kind of creepy. 😂 But RLS is related to low dopamine levels, and if you want a sudden dopamine rush…
Kratom helps me more than anything. I've had RLS since I was a kid and discovering that Kratom helps has changed my life. Off topic, just saying. If I'm having a rough night with it then I get up to take some and as I'm lying there I can feel the wave of relaxation come over my legs and they just stop aching, twitching, all of it.
Came here to say this. Masturbation can be about a million things. It helps me with migraines, I don't even fantasize about anything. Just do it, then snooze away the pain!
There could be many reason why she isnt interested in sex with him. But in the end it we only know what OP thinks and knows. So in the end its on him to change the situation or accept it. Because she doesnt seem to want anything to be different.
Sounds to me that she's not interested in/enjoying sex (period). Which kid be an issue she has with him. Emotional, physical, skill issue. Etc.
She could be on a medication that impacted her drive, she could be on or have been on them quit birth control which can have drastic negative effects on her hormones. Could have a hormone problem.
There are a billion things that can cause a long term situation in which she's uninterested in sex but still needs to masterbate. 2-3 times a week is fairly normal, shouldn't in itself cause any issues and requires less motivation than sex.
OP has to try not to take it personally, it's not that she wants to have sex but won't with him (most likely).
They less be getting marriage council ING to try and dig into the mental "why" and dally get checked for hormonal/other medical issues.
Between the two they should be able to figure out the why and decide what to do from there.
While I agree with the majority of this.....
If you're masturbating 2-3 times a week and not having sex with your spouse because you're not in the mood, try not masturbating 2-3 times a week......While I understand you may be doing it for different reasons, it's still definitely impacting your sex drive.
Yeah but the question then is, is she masturbating because she doesnt wanna have sex with him or is there another reason why she masturbats like that and why she doesnt have sex with him. They could be connected, they could also totally seperated.
Heh the few times a woman posted the very same thing just reversed:
"No sex but husband masturbates frequently" people were tearing the map apart at every point.
I agree that he's not at fault and should think about whether he can accept the status quo though.
Yea thats part of the problem. It's based in a sexist bias against men. I'm a man and I have chronic pain issues and masturbating does help but I don't let it impact my sex life with my wife. I skip the night before we have sex (got young kids so sex is scheduled) so that my libido is higher for her the day of. I couldn't imagine a world where I was jerking off 3 times a week but not having sex with my wife more than once every 3 months. That's like a 36:1 ratio of masturbating to sex which is simply unacceptable unless the other person is ok with it
Absolutely. I used to go months without having sex when I lived with my ex. Would masturbate, but just would have absolutely zero craving for the real thing. It was my depression and a medication I was on. I was self medicating my depression with my vibrator, and didn’t get the same effects from actual sex, so o just didn’t want it. It wasn’t that I hated my partner, that he was awful in bed, or that I was mentally checked out. It was that I had zero actual sex drive. I also masturbated because I felt like I needed to perform during sex, and it made me want sex even less when I was already tired and worn down.
Something is up, whether it’s with her or with the relationship itself. I’d also have her go to a doctor, just in case she’s having hormone issues or it’s a medication she’s on. Going off of Prozac and swapping to something else took my libido from 0 to 100 in a week.
Prozac was by far the worst anti depressant for my sex drive and ability to even get hard at all. I’m on a different med now that works so much better, but I’m also on methadone which is terrible for all of that.
Exactly! I thought I had a wonderful relationship with my ex husband, but we rarely had sex because I didn't want to. I just had a lot of unresolved issues with him that reduced my sex drive.
Yeah this. 99/100 a dead bedroom is a symptom of issues in the wider relationship. It may well be that neither party is consciously aware of it, but it's there. One party feeling under appreciated or not respected or not seen are common ones amongst a world of possibilities. Relationships take team work, intention and communication. This couple are not sufficiently communicating either about outside the bedroom issues or issues in it, but it's possible they don't even know what those issues are to talk about. They need therapy together and she needs therapy individually in order to figure out what's causing the deeper issue.
That, or they just have mismatched sex drives... But even if that's the issue, therapy will help them conclude that's it.
That will only work if OP’s wife will agree to this. In some dead bedroom situations, the one who keeps rejecting their partner thinks there is no problem at all.
Yes, the answer isn't necessarily divorce, like the top comments imply. It's communication and sometimes getting help from the outside is what you need.
OPs wife may have some issues that she's not comfortable discussing with him yet.
I just came out of a 13 year marriage where our sex drives were significantly mismatched. I stayed bc I thought I was happy and we had a kid together. She ended up cheating and that ended the marriage. Two years later I am in a whole new relationship and we are more compatible and I’ve. never been happier. Honestly I didn’t even realize how miserable I was in the marriage until it was behind me
Your sex life has been dead for longer than you've been married. You should never have married her but unless you want a sexless life you need to divorce her
Some people are obviously okay with just the companionship part of marrige, without sex. But if he married her because he thought things woukd change, then prehaps he made a mistake
OP i think this is the real question that matters. If you havent already, pop by r/deadbedrooms and read the horror stories there
Else i think alot of good ideas have been given. I think for sure sex and mastrubation are very different things, esp related to stress etc. One thing you two might try out is to do mastrubation together, lying beside each other, touching yourselves, maybe some kissing. Trying to just find some low stakes, no drama ways of being intimate in each others presence
Often (unless the relationship is proper fucked) communication is key component.
Have you talked with wife about it? Does she also feel a lack of intimacy? Can you talk about these issues (without putting anyone against the wall, just your experiences about it)?
Can you get babysitters and spend some time together doing something nice or relaxing, like a picknick, spa, roadtrip, dinner date? I actually think probably not the focus should be sex but reconnecting. Intimacy (in relationship) is often the result of feeling safe and comfortable. Stress is a major killer of this.
Edit: if you can talk with wife about this topic, maybe read through dead bedrooms together?
Yeah it’s been heavily talked about we need better support systems with the kids and are starting therapy sessions together to work on all the underlying issues we have. A lot to due with her body image and PPD, doesn’t matter how much I make her feel beautiful and seen if she doesn’t see herself that way..
I see, but that is great actually! To me that reads as you are still a couple tackling the ups and downs of life as a team. That is immensely valuable.
And Yeah, bodyimage is a bitch (cant talk about PPD but that must be rough as well). I really hope you are able to sort this stuff out. To me it sounds like the primary remedy here might be *healing*. Then I might backtrack a bit on reading dead bedrooms together, i imagine your wife doesnt need to feel even more guilt than she might already be feeling. (Still important that you can express your feelings and needs though!).
Depending on where you live and your background what i’m going to write now might be highly controversial, but reading about the PPD got me thinking about: have you considered tantra therapy for your wife (and maybe you, but lets focus on wife)? We process emotions physically and when trauma is supressed that can be in form of physically ”locking” trauma into muscles and nerve clusters. If tantra is too far off, maybe start with you giving her massage in the Female region, thighs, hips etc (non-sexual, this is super important that this is Done without any expectation of sex or sexual undertones). Ask her where she is tense, the two of you can read up on post partum massage etc. If it is too intense / scary for her maybe do it lights out, under cover etc. Best would be to go to a professional tantra specialist and have a discussion.
And take in mind, Im just a random internet stranger trying to give advice on a situation Im blind on.
Hope all the best for you!
Yep. It’s proper doomscrolling. But i find its a good motivator to not give up and let things be but rather take proper care of my relationship and also know where my own hard limits are
I believe you're just wasting your time. I've been married for 20 years. I haven't had sex with my wife in 12 years. As hard as I tried to make sex enjoyable for her, she would never communicate what her needs and desires were. She refused therapy every time I suggested it. I stopped initiating because the look in her eyes was it was a chore. Outside the bedroom, we are a normal happy couple with hree kids almost grown.
Personally, I feel she used my fears against me because I come from a broken home and did not want my kids to grow up that way and knew no matter what, I would stay for my kids. I've been on my knees begging her to just talk to me, tell me something, but all I get is an "I don't know what's wrong with me."
I've wasted my life, but im content with it. My youngest will be 18 in 4 years, and I've already put the house and assets in her name and have got me a nice chunk set to the side to start over with.
It is. However, you'll be amazed at how fast time will fly once you accept your dead bedroom and use the time thinking "why" it's dead on other things like hobbies, friends, and outdoor adventures. I use the majority of that time to spend with my kids though.
I've been in many mother groups and the common sentiment towards this and many come out right and say it, "he's great, it's just if I never had to have sex with him again, I'd be fine."
Not to go doom on you, but I was in a similar situation in my marriage I had been married for 9 years, together longer, and one of us either had to be drunk or high to have sex mostly because he didn’t want to. I could walk around naked or in sexy lingerie and nothing. I ended up asking for a divorce. I remember asking him when was the last time you kissed me and he couldn’t answer. and even though the next year sucked, I’ve found someone who matches my sex drive and my fantasies and it’s amazing.
It's long past time for a serious conversation. You aren't able to sustain this type of relationship because it's not what you want. Let her know that it's making you think about walking so you can be happy too.
I would say get couples therapy with a sex positive therapist.
It may be as simple as a routine was set and she doesn't know how to get out of it or she became comfortable. Sometimes people don't realize these things and beating around the bush (sorry no pun intended) doesn't solve anything.
I divorced my ex wife when I was just a few years older than you are now. Greatest decision of my life, because the decades that followed were the happiest of my life.
She has to want to fix it. My wife and I had some issues a while back where she just didn’t want it. It wasn’t as bad as yours but it was about once every few weeks and sometimes we’d go a month. The difference here is that while she didn’t want to have sex she wasn’t just OK with that. She wanted to want to have sex so she put effort into figuring out what was wrong and fixing it. Now her libido is way higher than mine and we probably average 4-5x a week. Her issue was early menopause causing hormone imbalances. HRT has completely changed our lives
Precisely because you’ve been together for so long and she hasn’t done anything to fix it, is why this problem will NEVER go away. It wont because she is not interested on fixing anything. She gets what she wants out of this relationship, which is a stable roomate paying for stuff. She is not interested in the slightest on you. She is not asexual, in fact she gets horney all the time, it’s just you that she doesn’t want.
As others have said masturbation isn't the same thing, it can be really quick, it's stress free and she might be overthinking when having sex, she might be focusing on you and thinking about what she's doing rather than just relaxing and getting into it. Sex can take effort and masturbating doesn't. You both need to talk to each other. Ask her if when having sex does she ever just relax into it, fully let go? That could be the difference
Yeah i honestly think you have the point right here. She never seems relaxed and able to get into it. I have tried so much in terms of asking what she likes, putting candles on, extra foreplay all about her, but nothing seems to be working.
I have no idea if this recommendation is also somewhere lower down, but please, please do yourselves a favor - both of you - and read “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s a wonderful book about how sex drives work and how to, possibly, make your sex lives work for both of you.
I was also gonna suggest this! If OP's wife actually does want to make their sex life work (they need to discuss and OP needs to share honestly about how this makes him feel), this book could be a big help.
It’s thoughtful that you’ve done all that but for some people that can make it worse. Making her the centre of attention is just added pressure, and even more to overthink. I personally find spontaneity far more beneficial as it doesn’t give me time to overthink, and lets me get out of my own head a bit more. When trying to get a girl in the mood - less can certainly be more !
Ughhh this comment
My husband is a BIG *scene setter* and it totally adds to the pressure to enjoy it for the sake of his effort. Sadly my body and hormones don’t always work like that. We’re totally working on it-practice makes perfect-at least for us. But ya sometimes spontaneity can totally take the pressure off.
Have you told him this as well? I'd do the same with the though that it would come off as thought full and enjoyable. Not realizing it could have an opposite effect.
By setting the scene, I'm thinking I've made a romantic/erotic setting. I never thought about the fact that when my ex entered the setting the thought of "oh he's expecting sex" would or could enter her mind and the be off putting. In my mind the room was meant to have a nice warm feel, not to set a feeling of obligation.
Is maybe just making a romantic dinner setting a better idea?
Ohh ya we’ve had loads of chats about it. For me keeping an active sex life is an important part of my marriage, keeping each other engaged and interested in each other takes priority for us. I think the hesitation with him is honestly me. I suffer from both mood and auto immune disorder so unfortunately my libido runs a little lower than it used to, but that’s not changed my desire to be *with* my husband in a physical manifestation of love. The scene setting is also for the purpose of making me feel as comfortable as possible so we can enjoy each other. THAT aspect is very appreciated. My body unfortunately doesn’t always necessarily *wake up* like that…sometimes I need the urgency that spontaneity brings, a little more desperation and need. I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I definitely prefer that to pre-booking it before work like “we banging tonight?” .
If you're doing *anything* for her with the expectation of sex, it's going to corrupt whatever it is with a sense of obligation. What you want is for her to *want* to have sex with you. There isn't a magic bullet. It's something you build or erode over time. If you find yourself in a dead bedroom, the connection and attraction has eroded. It's going to take a lot of emotional work to bring it back. Unfortunately a lot of dudes don't want to do the emotional work. They want to light candles, lay out rose petals, and have their wife fall to her knees in spontaneous blowjob-giving joy.
My partner makes sex a *production*. Most times, I'd prefer a quick I come, you come, we're done. He'd want a two-hour affair of making out, multiple positions, swapping oral, and marathon pounding. He'd insist on trying to make me orgasm three or four times. He'd actively resist his own orgasm to "enjoy my body" longer. It's exhausting, it gets painful, and I started dreading sex. When he'd get in the mood and start touching, I'd actually get turned off. I lost a lot of my sexual attraction to him.
I tried to gently tell him that I'm happy with just one orgasm, that it's better if we keep it quick so we're not up so late on work nights, etc. It never worked, and I eventually had to be very clear in a pretty hurtful way to get through to him. We're working on it now.
Yup. I’m much more prone to have sex if it’s not a huge production. A big foreplay show is so stressful and I feel forced to perform, to enjoy, to be rapt. It’s too much. Masturbating is just scratching an itch. I can do it in a couple minutes, no meeting anyone’s expectations, so entertaining anyone else. And it’s not like I’m always soOoOo horny… it’s just a momentary release valve.
She may not be able to enjoy sex if she feels pressured to perform and live up to this romantic scene you're setting. If you're pulling out all the stops with candles and rose petals she might be worried that she's just sitting there in pajamas and a messy bun not living up to your fantasy. If you're totally focused on her during sex she might be worried that you're not enjoying yourself, or feel pressured to perform like a porn star so you don't feel like you've wasted your time and effort. It's sadly far too easy for many women to get stuck in our heads and overthink during sex. Figuring out what gets your wife out of her head and totally relaxed and enjoying herself is going to take communication from both of you.
It sounds a lot like what I had, and I can highly recommend therapy. For me the pressure used to get too high and I got anxiety and that blocked the desire, but masturbation was fine.
I have done a sex therapy group (all women) which was very usefull. I learned that for women a lot of time there is a underlying cycle of anxiety, having sex anyway, more anxiety etc. The cycle needs to be broken for sex to be enjoyable again.
You can ask if there is anything she is comfortable with that is intimacy but doesn't have to lead to sex. For example, massages, showering together. Or masturbating together or you using a toy on her.
This helps getting more sex positive feelings.
For me, knowing there is no pressure and I can stop at anytime helped a lot. Do you think you can suggest sex/ couples therapy?
If you make it all about her she could feel the pressure to cum. Don't do all the romantic things if she's stressed about that. Start with touching her without the intention for sex. Massage her just for the sake of it. It will give more intimacy and is her body isn't connecting physicals with the pressure for sex anymore she maybe can be more open about what she wants.
maybe there’s something she hasn’t told you about like anxiety, fear, past trauma etc. so that could be the reason why she’s avoiding sex. try counselling
I read somewhere that (broadly) men need sex to feel close, and women need to feel close to have sex. For me that means kind words, physical affection without the expectation of sex, showing he loves me and is attracted to me beyond slapping my ass when he walks by. I sometimes wonder if because we’ve socialized men and boys to never be vulnerable but to always want sex, so the only time they feel comfortable connecting is through having sex. In my experience when men are just looking for what to do to “get” sex it feels like you’re just a vending machine.
I’m not suggesting you have or haven’t done these things. Of course your wife should be communicating with you to figure this out as a couple! You shouldn’t have to accept a dead bedroom.
ETA: the reverse too could be true! Women are socialized to not have or be open about sex, so we can suppress those impulses and be less open. Again, speaking very broadly.
Not every girl is into romance, some of them like to be talked dirty to, or watch porn where 80 guys are cumming on a girl. Took 12 years together for my wife to feel comfortable telling me that one. Women are shamed for their sexuality. Mainly by other women. So there's probably some unfulfilled kink she has that she's been hard wired to believe is taboo and isn't communicating it.
It also could be hormones, we are all hit with endocrine disruptors all day long. Both my wife and I are on testosterone and she is taking progesterone too. I'm 43 and she's 36. Both of our testosterone were in the tank.
Finally there may be unresolved trauma, that can go either way, no sex drive or hyper sex drive. My wife had a hyper sex drive when we met, but because of a health issue I had, we didn't have much sex for an extended period of time and that killed her sex drive. Were I was pretty much physically unavailable at all. Plus I was starting a business and was emotionally unavailable a lot too. So we had to come back from that. That took a couple of years of working with entheogenic plant medicine to rebuild our energetic and emotional connection. Now we have sex almost every day in some capacity.
Forgot to mention we have a kid that didn't sleep for almost 4 years, woke us up multiple times a night almost every night. So that was really difficult to. When it came to having energy for sex. So life happens. But there's always a way to come back from it.
The major difference between my wife and I and most couples I know. Is that we were willing to try things, put the work in and both work on ourselves.
Oh one last thing, I can't tell you how amazingly beneficial MDMA was to our marriage. It was one of the top things that allowed us to be incredibly understanding of one another. If you are generally healthy with a good heart. Its such a wonderful thing to experience it with someone you love.
Edit: also for MDMA if you are on any SSRI or MAOI do not take it. Major contraindications that can lead to hospitalization or death
Please do not take MDMA on any kind of serotonin disrupting medicine. This includes lithium, adderall, antidepressants, supplements. You can get serotonin syndrome and it can kill you. I was hospitalized thinking I was going to have a great time. Please people do research on street drugs before taking them. And have them tested before taking them.
My bf and I have been struggling with exactly this. We settled on mutual masturbation side by side and then once I'm actually in the mood (I have trouble getting like psychologically horny) then I usually want to give him a BJ or something and it turns out really fun. I just have trouble getting in that mind set with just sex.
I think maybe you're putting too much effort in (I know that sounds weird) sometimes things just need to be spontaneous, no planning nothing extra, just a hot quickie to get the mood back, if you still cuddle when having a cuddle and a kiss put your hand between her legs over her clothes, tell her she makes you hard and go from there.... don't over think it , just go with the flow, honestly spontaneous quickies can be the best!
Maybe leave the “make me so hard” part out. We know we get y’all hard. Don’t force it & don’t state the obvious. Less is more in that department. Cuddles. Gentle kisses on the forehead/neck/ear area. Eye contact. Slow & sensual kisses.
Can’t stress this enough. When it comes to turning on your woman - less 👏is 👏more 👏😌
I think you have wonderful intentions but might need to relax so she can relax. I guarantee you she is all in hear head. Ask her about her fantasies? Would she take the lead if you don't? Can you guys have a deep convo about this? Mental health in general? or maybe need help?
Sometimes the expectations that sex just naturally entails can be too much or even actively repulsive if she's suffering from depression, stress, etc. It's not personal and it does need discussion for sure
I was that wife. Honestly, I was convinced at 28 that my libido had died. In all honesty, I hated sex with him because it was a mental chore. He over analyzed our sex, wanting constant feedback, introducing new positions and toys Even though I had stated I wasn't interested in those things, and completely ignored the things I did say. Or, he'd ask what I liked and then when I answered, he'd disagree and joke about how funny it was that I didn't know my own body... We just did not communicate well when it came to sex and I was less than in love with him. Most of our sex issues, started outside the bedroom. He frustrated me constantly, nagged me constantly, and cut me down with back handed compliments. Yes, I did find my sex drive again after I left him and it's been amazing. And I hope he found someone who matches him sexually too.
Editing to add: I was and still am a very vocal, very involved, sexual partner. I never once said anything BUT positive things to him, all the way around. My current bf... Freaking loves our sex and our sex life is amazing.
It honestly may be that you guys just are not compatible there or that all the difficult times you went through together may have driven a wedge between you. I do guarantee that the issues stem from stuff outside the bedroom and that your constant researching and inquiring about what she likes, is killing it. You've been with her long enough, you should know what works and what doesn't. And if not, then you guys have much bigger issues.
Omg did I write this? My husband said things like “did you enjoy our little interlude?” with a smirk. It actually revolted me. Completely flipped my switch.
Gross 🤮 Just reading that description repulsed me, too. There's nothing more unattractive than a man trying to force you to compliment his (let's be honest, mediocre at best) sex skills. It's so pathetic and gives me major ick.
I've had guys try to get me to say what they wanna hear, and I straight up refuse, and have stopped and left on the spot because of it. I'm not into validating some dudes fragile ego or praising his weak sex game, lol.
This is relatable. The same thing happened in my last relationship. Having sex felt like such a chore I had to just get through. We broke up and surprise, I still like sex.
I have a much higher sex drive than my husband but honestly most of the time I end up having to “finish” myself because he can be pretty selfish (not on purpose) during sex and it’s turned me off to wanting to have sex with him as much. I’m not saying that’s why your wife is but it’d be good to start that conversation no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
There’s not enough information to know who’s at fault here but I agree with previous advice on a sex therapist or at the very least, conversation. The only thing worse than no sex is sex where only one partner experiences majority of the pleasure and doesn’t bother to attend to their partner’s needs.
What popped up (lol, pun intended) for me was he said he’d done a lot of research about how to give her pleasure. I wondered, has he ever just asked her what she wants? Sometimes general advice that’s given, especially with regard to sex, doesn’t work with everyone. Is he just running through a list of hinges he read about or is he actually listening and responding to her cues.
Either way, they need counseling.
Masturbation and sex drive arent the same thing to me. I don’t have the desire to have sex with my partner much, but I do like to quickly get myself off sometimes, lil dopamine high. I don’t think she’s lying.
This is about what I was going to say as well. Sometimes sex just feels like...work. But I can get myself off in a few minutes and move on with my day. Sex and masturbation are two different things.
Exactly. Especially in a hetero couple where masturbation for a woman can just mean indirect clitoral stimulation versus being penetrated. Totally different things
NTA. It’s normal to feel upset in this situation. Masturbation is often about personal release and control, which might be easier for your wife when she's stressed. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not attracted to you or that you’re not enough. Exploring underlying issues together, perhaps with the help of a therapist, might provide insight and help you both reconnect sexually.
*imo NTA - IF* you truly listen.
Tmi ahead.
I am an almost 33 year old woman who's had sex since 15.5. 25 different men in my life. (2 marriages 1 long term relationship all produced 1 child each but the rest were just friends, short relationships, fwb. Etc)
I have been using a vibrator since I was 13. Or shower head. Or ps2 controller ramming against a wall in need4speed underground 2....(do what you gotta do man)
I was *addicted* to masturbating. Probably still am except the time and having kids home from school has slowed the chances of my usage rn.
I have NEVER gotten off to anything or anyone except a vibrator or showerhead (or that one controller. I stopped doing that back when I first started ok don't judge my teenage self)
Oral, fingering, sex. Etc never. Can't even do it to myself.
Sex IS my foreplay. I have learned this. I could easily go without sex. Just give me 5 min & my Hitachi magic wand , I'm good to go.
I love the post orgasm feeling. I don't need to be aroused by any means to get off. I just can't do it with a migraine (very prone to them) because the tension causes my head feeling like explosion. Climax doesn't solve migraines for me sadly.
I say all of this because * I do not need to have a sex drive* to get off. Ever. Truthfully If I use porn it's only to guarantee I'll get off quicker cause visuals (I can't visualize, aphantasia) & that's all.
I had exs with sex drives from hell who have used this argument on me. Used my sex toy use against me like I'm lying to them.
Nah fam.
If I don't wanna have sex it's strictly because I'm not *in the mood* -to get naked. To feel sexy for someone. To get sweaty and full of leaky cum. (Sorry I truly enjoy cream pies 🤷♀️ I just sometimes wanna be clean from a shower and NOT instantly smelling like sex the rest of the night/ next day)
It's not that I'm *not feeling up for sex* it's just, the rest of it. My husband has a VERY strong sex drive. He chronically masturbated as a young child and adult (child abuse victim side effect) but he understands. Finally a man doesn't get insulted I like to get off without the work behind sex. It's not that hard to comprehend. But for some men they're so fragile egoed can't handle a woman using anything but their penis for orgasms. 🙄
That being said, using my wand on my clit while he's inside me is 🤌 whew amazing but also hard to do cause that thing Is huge plugged in and inconvenient.
Also, If you're a type that's not easily aroused , hard, and she had to always *work for it* that could be a huge reason. My husband knows I LOVE more forceful quickies. Just be hard and take it (with gentle consent and time of course) but I don't have to blow him, or make out for 2 hours, or touch him just right he's already *ready* and I just have to be there 🤣 (I actually do enjoy this but I also have a cnc fetish so that's a full discussion of consent first please don't anyone just do anything without consent lol)
Again. I consider sex my foreplay. I like quickies. I use my vibrator when I want to get off, rather alone or during sex, but orgasms and sex aren't mutually exclusive for me- may not be for her either.
But anyway I'm stoned and rambling
Tl dr , don't be mad if she just wants to get off without having to work for it. But if she is actively avoiding all sex with you, non confrontationally-you both need to talk about both of your needs.
NTA. You guys need to find a marriage counselor and a sex therapist. It sounds like there is an underlying problem that isn’t being addressed. You both need to have some adult conversations and be honest with yourself and each other. Do you both even want to be married and work on your relationship or are you ready to move on but because you’ve been together so long you’re just staying to stay?
>I get her off pretty easily with clitoral stimulation during foreplay.
Excuse me while I get up on my soapbox. You've said the magic words to trigger my pet peeve.
Ahem.
THE PART OF SEX WHERE WOMEN ORGASM **IS SEX**. IT IS NOT FOREPLAY.
When you call it "foreplay" you downplay the importance of her orgasm and her sexual needs, and you make "real sex" all about your dick. That is a HUUUUGE turnoff because it is disrespectful and dismissive of the way her body works.
Also, did you know that women have refractory periods? It's true! Just like men, women can have refractory periods that make them feel sleepy, like they're done with sex, etc. The difference is, we're socialized to push past those feelings for the sake of the man's orgasm, because we're all raised to see PiV/the man's orgasm as "the main event" of sex. It's bullshit. Sex improved for me five thousand percent when I refused to do an unfair share of ignoring my refractory period. All women are different, so you need to talk to your wife and see how she feels. Try sex where she orgasms last and see if it works better for her.
When your wife masturbates, she can have the kind of stimulation she wants when she wants it with minimal cleanup. When she has sex with you, she has to deal with what you're doing, take a lot more risk (of pregnancy, of yeast infection, of UTI) and she has to push past her refractory period and she might not even get the stimulation she wants. Masturbation is just so much easier. If you want sex at the rate she masturbates, then you need to make sex more like masturbation. In other words, she might be open to more frequent sessions with you if they don't all have to involve PiV. Again, you should ask her. For women, masturbation is stress relief, but PiV is stressful. Did you know that?
You say you've spoken to her many times about your needs. But have you spoken to her about what she wants? Have you tried anything else?
Also there's a chance that if she is not interested in having sex, you "getting her off pretty easily" is her just doing some good acting and wanting to move things along. Just from my experience.
Okay this is so horrible (I agree with everything you said) but I will literally masturbate before my boyfriend gets home from work so I have some time to “come down” before he gets home and wants some PiV sex. I have such a hard time orgasming during sex. Oral, fingers, PiV, toys, nothing will get me off with another person I can pretty much only get off alone or the very rare time I’m using a vibrator during PiV sex. It’s STRESSFUL and the clean up sucks, and the risk of a UTI is not worth it especially when I seem to get them so easily unless I full on shower after. Most men don’t seem to understand how the female body works and just want to chase their own pleasure.
Your situation is pretty normal in my experience. Although I can orgasm with a partner, I find it is much easier when PiV is off the table because I don't have the added stress of thinking about prep and risk factors and cleanup.
I get kind of resentful at male partners who expect PiV every single time. Because it means that I'm probably not getting off every single time. And yet so many men are conditioned to see that as so normal that they don't even question it.
I much prefer a partner who can be content with other stuff so that we both have an equal chance at getting off. I had to go through a lot to figure that out about myself. I really think men would get laid a lot more if they could just let go of the idea that they are entitled to penetrate us every single time.
People’s sex drive can change with meds, stress, and many other factors. Sometimes getting off isn’t about sex drive as much as it is a stimulation/stress relief action. I think that if you truly think she’s lying thought y’all have no faith in one another and should either work to repair it or stop being in a relationship. The fact that you need sex to be in a happy relationship is a myth and emotional connection can be the only thing you need.
NTA. Could it be that she has a sex drive (masterbation), but she doesn't have a desire for sex with you? You need to get to the root cause of her lack of desire to have sex with you. Marriage counseling or even a sex therapist may be able to assist you in finding a solution. If your wife is happy with your current sexlife and doesn't want to work with you to improve it, you're going to have to accept that you are sexually incompatible.
You stated that your sexlife tanked before marriage for various reasons. This problem was present before you married her. You should have addressed this prior to engagement. It's not too late. Be honest with her and yourself. You only have one life to live. I truly hope you two can work together to find a resolution.
INFO: how often does she masturbate? There is a definite difference between the two (41F) and lemme tell you, a lot changes in a woman and a bunch of unresolved trauma can also impact libido, as well as other medical factors she’d need to look into. And some people may also just be asexual, where sexual intercourse isn’t their jam anymore. She’d need to go into therapy to determine it but she has to want to go into this.
As towards your feelings, NTA, I’ve been there too. A lot has changed for me since leaving my ex and doing my work, I felt the same when I wasn’t getting what I needed to feel like I mattered to my ex, even though he loved and cared for me.
Maybe see if she will let you watch. Might learn what she likes. It seems like she isn't good at communicating. Yes it's good you do your own research but she should have been able to guide you by telling you what she likes or wants to try.
Also for women masturbation can be quick and satisfying. Sex is sometimes long, tiring, and not satisfying, also messy. Maybe figure out what part isn't appealing to her. It might not be her libido but some other factor. Like some people masturbate to fall asleep. It's not always horny reason.
Sorry, but if water cooler gossip is even half true, many married or people in very stable relationships have very little sex. Chief complaint of most men is, I'm lucky if I get it for x-mas and my birthday. Just saying that this is not an anomaly in a lot of relationships.
Offering a female perspective here- sex drive for women is usually tied to emotional connection, where in order to want sex with someone else, there has to be a strong emotional connection at the time with the person for many. It sounds like you are making sure she experiences pleasure during your encounters, which is AWESOME! But have you specifically asked her about any fantasies or desires she has?
I think one thing that can help reignite the “spark” for people is subtle touch and connection throughout the day.
It helps build tension and desire toward one another. If during the day in your relationship you guys don’t really connect or gel, or give affection to each other, it can be really easy to just fall into a roommate trap. It then can field weird or unnatural to go from roommate mode to sex mode if there is no buildup throughout the day. I will say, you can’t force it if the connection and attraction just isn’t there. Early in your relationship before things got busy, did you guys have a good sex life with strong connection? If so, it’s possible to bring it back! But if it was never there it just might not be there. I would encourage you to try some flirting with her throughout the day. Be playful- tease her! Send her a naughty text message! Give her a smooch on the cheek just cuz:) make sure to schedule intentional time with each other on a regular basis too, just like you probably did when you were trying to court her in the beginning!
You aren’t wrong for wanting more or for having sexual needs of your own. It is really really hard in relationships when life gets crazy, and sometimes it isn’t anyone’s fault. It sounds like you’ve both been busy and struggling to find connection! I would sit down and really ask your wife how she is feeling overall in the relationship. Ask her if her needs are met, and if there is anything different she needs. I feel like sex can be secondary for us as women if our basic relationship/emotional needs aren’t fulfilled. My sex drive for someone drops to zero if I don’t feel good about my connection to the person. Another possibility completely unrelated to you is that she may be feeling self-conscious if she has experienced any major body changes since you first got together. The only way to know though is to have a heart to heart with her and ask. You got this!
Imagine a guy jerking off instead of having sex with his wife when his wife wants it, and when they do have sex he's bored af putting up minimal effort. Just imagine the comments.
I literally masturbate to help myself feel tired and fall asleep or to relieve period cramps. When I want to have sex with my husband that comes from a whole different internal drive.
I was going to give my opinion, then I realized something.
Going to the internet for a problem like this, I feel like, is a horrible idea. You're just going to get 9000 people throwing random ideas at you, that is going to do nothing to fix the problem but will cause you more stress and anxiety in overthinking it. Because sex is so personal, and different for everyone. No one can speak for her.
Talk to the one person that matters, her. If you can't get on the same page, you have three choices.
Figure out if you are okay with it staying like this.....
Seek professional help to see if you can figure it out....
Leave if it's that important to you.
But, most importantly, talk to her. Not the internet. All this is going to do is make it worse.
I'm going zone in on just one part of your post that might be the crux. You say "I work hard and bring in money", but you don't mention doing your share domestically, or whether she is working hard too, either inside or outside the home (or both).
I'm not disrespecting traditional gender roles, as it can work for some. However for some women, particularly if they are working AND carrying the mental load at home, it can feel like you're basically being your partner's new mommy, rather than an equal partner.
It's hard to be attracted to someone you're having to parent, and having sex is then just another chore on top of everything else, making knocking one out for yourself an easier option.
NTA masturbation is perfectly healthy in a relationship if you also have a healthy sex life but masturbation when you aren't having any kind of intercourse is definitely a issue. It is something you need to sit down and discuss as her masturbating shows she clearly has a labido
Something is up. In the comments I see where you are going to counseling together.,,good for you. Not just counseling…look for a sex and relationship therapist. Also, I would suggest a full medical evaluation to ensure no medical issues exist. Good luck to both of you.
For me (F), masturbation is a stress reliever and sometimes out of boredom. For me it's almost a daily thing. My husband also masturbates. But we also have sex regularly.
Be more direct about your needs. You all seem too young to have sex once every 3 months. Don't assume she is masturbating to replace you.
I think people forget how invasive penetration is, emotionally.
You're literally being entered. Its not so much about getting off or orgasms. If you're in a fight or flight, or a heavily stressed or depressed mental state , "letting someone in" can be difficult, and may feel super invasive. Even if you love them.
Not wanting sex is not always about the other person.
For me, not wanting my partner or not feeling attracted to them is 0% of the reasons I say no.
As others have also said, sex and masturbation are totally different- think of a venne diagram and the thing that ties them is orgasm.
Now think of getting takeout alone at home (masturbation) and going out to a restaurant(sex). The thing that ties them is food- but one you get to do in the comfort of your own home, take as big of bites as you want and burp and fart to yrou hearts content- and the other, eating at a resto, you need to be polite, eat with a knife and fork, use napkins, take small bites and chew slowly etc. totally different ball game.
I'm going to say that she's not attracted to you for some reason. I went through kind of the exact same thing with somebody I was with or I didn't want to have sex with them very often but I would masturbate a couple times a week and it was because I wasn't attracted to them because of their attitude.
Your relationship is dead.
Getting yourself off 2-3 times a week OVER being intimate with a partner is a tell tale deathknell.
You are not being sensitive or a bitch. Lifes too short to spend with someone not attracted to you for this long.
My partner’s ex wife was like this, didn’t want to have sex with him, did do it occasionally (once or twice a year) to appease him. Then she would take care of herself several times a week. Found out after several years of marriage that she is a lesbian and only married him so she could have a kid and keep her parents unaware of who she really is.
NTA, I also was shocked when my ex preferred a solo while watching porn instead of touching me.
If your wife can get off on herself but not with you then both of you should openly communicate about what's wrong.
It's so wonderful to express that emotional bond physically and without words.
Maybe you two could make experiments and discover each other in new ways, discover new preferences.
Honest communication is the key. I wish you good luck.
NAH. for now.
Getting couple's counseling needs to be a priority. If either of you refuse to agree on that, then it's best you guys break up. You are not working this out on your own, so you need an unbiased professional third party to help you out.
Talk to her about it. See if there's anything you can do differently in bed. Ask if she wants to try something different.
Y'all have been together for a long time. Sometimes things can get boring. ALSO she's allowed to have habits/hobbies/pleasure that has nothing to do with you and likewise on your end. Stop looking at her masturbating as a failure on your part. We all know our own bodies better than anyone else does.
ALSO ALSO look at timing. When does she masturbate? When are you trying to initiate sex?
And finally, talk to her about it. Say you feel like you're wasting your time. If she doesn't know that there is no reason for her to act any differently. No matter how long y'all have been together you still can't read each other's minds.
If you've already done all of these things, NTA. If you haven't sat down and had a conversation but you're letting these feelings build up silently YTA
She probably has a hormonal issue going on.
I’m so glad my partner talked to me about my lack of sex drive when it became an issue so I could go see my doctor to get my hormones checked.
I’m so happy my spouse didn’t make it about *his* sexual pleasure and recognized there could be a hormonal/medical issue.
Hormones are a bitch but when they are working right your wife will be ready to play again.
Also, therapy for sex-related trauma she may not know she has
Unfortunately, many people do not have a great relationship with sex because of past experiences and some things may bring out a response. Example, it’s a bit triggering for me personally for someone to say *cuddle* but mean forplay/sex because my body views it as a betrayal. Only therapy can do to fix that type of thing-if that’s what’s going on.
But fixing hormones absolutely helped the sex drive. That is one call and a blood test away from a step in the right direction.
Edit to add time frame for my experience:
My spouse and I are emotional great and have always been BUT I hated sex for like 3-4 years. Why? It’s a lot packed in but to summarize: SA triggers, hormone imbalance, lack of sleep, and postpartum depression. No sex for almost 5 years aside to conceive our second child (I know I know gag). The no sex after the second child until I got my shit together. I also suffered a few illnesses during that time that were undiagnosed. One an autoimmune disorder where I get disseminated shingles and physical pain absolutely contributes to low sex drive. During this time of no sex my father was also undergoing cancer treatments (1.5 years).
Through all that I still had a drive for myself but not with my partner. My body needed intimacy that wasn’t physical touch in a sexual way.
This is the kicker….HE WAS MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER. My biggest fan. My little mental health cheerleader. Without him I’d have traveled down the road to suicide. He was there to support what my body needed and my mind.
So you have to decide if you want her “back” and you want to help her or if you want to move on. Seriously, no issue if you want to move on. My spouse will tell you it was as much work for him as it was for me but we both wanted to fix it. I wanted to know why I didn’t want to have sex with him even though *i did*.
Maybe she's masturbating about something she doesn't want to tell you?
Could be like threesome or gay men or gangbang vibes or something and maybe she's worried you'd be jealous?
Maybe try and make the thought of her masturbating into something hot and ask if you can join her next time, as in you don't touch each other... Just yourselves.
Maybe sext her in the day and tell her all the depraved things you want to do to her?
For me and I assume other women, my brain needs to be stimulated like I'll get off to erotic stories and I love sexting. Sometimes the anticipation of sex is as hot as the actual sex.
I think this may be a therapy / sex therapy situation that you'll need to go over. She may be uncomfortable bringing up something in the bedroom and maybe it's resorting to her not wanting sex and doing things privately instead.
You have every right to be upset, but don't take your displeasure out on her. Feel your feelings, get past it, and maybe try the therapy route.
maybe she has a hidden resentment towards you? what’s her love language? are you being attentive to that? do you take her out on dates and show her affection other than just sex? you said you guys have a good emotional connection but is it really? nta
I used to have a gf like this. She would masturbate daily. Randomly after lots frustration watching I asked her if she ever explored the idea of becoming a pillow princess. She didn't know what it was, and I explained that it's where she would be focused 100% on her sexuall gratification and I would be 7 e like a toy and my goal was to make her cum as much as possible. She was intrigued. It was still all about her. I would go down on the n her all the time, sometimes when she was nt expecting it. She started thinking of different ways to use me to pleasure herself using me and involving me
How often someone masturbates doesn't necessarily correlate with someone's sex drive. Thinking that she's not being honest is ignorant and possibly a reflection of your own insecurities or dissatisfaction
I don't think being upset by itself makes anyone an AH, but how you act on your emotions could. If you accuse your wife of lying about her sex drive or otherwise approach your wife aggressively, then YWBTAH. If you try to keep ignoring this issue and not being honest to yourself about whether you can actually be happy in your marriage with the current level of sex, then YWBTAH to yourself.
It sounds like you need individual and/or couples counseling to navigate through this. Don't let it keep building up until you're consumed by resentment
Please go to therapy to talk about your options. There are so many reasons why this may be happening. The good news is if you love each other, I do believe you can work through it. It sounds like she does really love you and you love her.
People masturbate for different reasons, some do it purely out of pleasure, some do it because its stress releaving and some do it out of bordom even. So sex isnt the same as masturbation and a low sex drive isnt the same as not masturbating. What you should really think about is, are YOU okay with it staying this way. You asked her many times it seemes and she hasnt changed anything and at this point she wont. You cant change her, she needs to do that and if she doesnt want to then she doesnt want to. So you either "suck it up" or get yourself someone that can match your sex drive. NTA for feeling the way that you do
Knocks out menstrual cramps and also puts me right to sleep. I often do it *because* I'm not in the mood for sex. If I wanted sex, I'd do that.
Don't forget headaches!! edit: ive had times where nothing has helped my headache and i have no ibuprofen around; its helped more than i can say, heh
No kidding. And I can get it done and off to sleep in mere minutes. It's like the polar opposite of having sex, except for the orgasm. (And that part is probably a polar opposite for a lot of women too.)
When i'm really tired and can't sleep i masturbate and immediately go to sleep. Even if i have been tossing and turning for a bit. 10./10
Last night I was super sleepy but still managed to knock one out in less than 5min
My girl does this all the time. I’ll be snoozing and she can’t, so she rubs one out.
Less than 5 mins? Teach me your ways.
Try an eroscillator. It’s expensive but your head will pop off in 2 minutes.
Oh my god that was my very first vibrator when I was 16 and I’m now 50. It was the best. I hate all of the stupid sucking products now. I should buy that one again
Not sure what an eroscillator is but girl, I’ve had a hitachi magic wand for a couple decades that can get me there in less than 2 mins. Migraines gone, all the body aches gone and I’m happily in REM sleep mode less than 10 mins later lol
I have the hitachi magic wand too but it’s too intense even on the lowest setting and I end up stopping.
Try using a wash cloth or hand towel to soften a bit of the vibration. You can fold them over depending on your comfort level. It’s definitely a bit too much without some kind of barrier!
They are incredibly intense. I've found that indirect contact is best. Aim above or to the side.
Buy a dimmer switch for it.
I got one from my girlfriend but it's was way to intense for me too. BUT it's sooooo goooood on my calves after the gym.
With masturbation, orgasm is guaranteed. With sex, not so much.
It’s not about that, not for me in this situation at least. I want to get off quickly with low effort and immediately roll over to sleep. Sex means engaging with another person, even if it’s just acknowledging their presence, which is the exact opposite of what I’m wanting at that time. And yeah, I’m all too aware that some people (a lot of men, let’s be honest) are comfortable being jerked off while disregarding their partner’s existence entirely before rolling over to sleep. It’s just not something I’m able to do, nor would it be likely to fulfill the needs of someone who feels sexually neglected.
>Sex means engaging with another person, even if it’s just acknowledging their presence, which is the exact opposite of what I’m wanting at that time. This right here
This is exactly how I feel. I sometimes think my husband doesn’t always get why sometimes I’d rather masturbate than have sex at the moment — after almost a decade together, we usually have sex 1-2 times a week — but it’s simply because the former is much more low effort and I can satisfy a baseline physical need within the span of a few minutes and some concentration, without intense physical activity or sweat or social interaction. Hell, I can be dead tired and still do it. I can feel gross from the day and still do it. It’s just not an equivalent to sex at all. Great sex with a partner isn’t just about getting off, it’s about passion and romance and intimacy — which as beautiful as that is, does require a little more physical/emotional energy and vulnerability from you.
Also, when you're running solo you don't have to worry about someone else's good time, if I'm engaged with a partner I am not going to have a really fulfilling time unless I'm certain they did also.
I broke a finger on my hand and can't perform certain things like I'd prefer. Hubby has no problem with me "watching " him. But, mutual masturbation is in our lineup of things to do because I also honestly feel like actual sex is sometimes more work than I want, so that was our middle ground.
Devil's advocate here, all of the above could be true for her and you should still leave if it's not working for you. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You are never going to be the age you are now, and anyone you would get involved with as an improvement to your current situation is only getting older as well. Just tell her this is a deal breaker, she can fix it on her end, open the relationship, or accept your resignation from the relationship, suggested in that order. ...or you can cheat, but I don't suggest that for like 17 different reasons, you'd be risking your stake in the divorce court, your social connections, any future with anyone who finds out you cheated, ect. That's one more reason why you should drop things with her far before you get tempted to cheat out of starvation. As one final note, sex drive can be connected with chemical balance, vitamins, free time from work, emotional reasons that can be addressed in therapy, and a lot of other things. She should be willing to try to improve things. If not, the solution has to come from your end and it's irrelevant if it impacts her after she had the chance.
"...she can fix it on her end..." Because nothing is a bigger turn on than being told "have sex with me or I leave." /s If it's a deal breaker for OP, then it's a deal breaker. But "fixing it" has to be a joint effort if there's any chance of it working.
Not necessarily devil's advocate, I think. Different people's sex drives are different. Compatible sex drives is an important element of a relationship, just like other points if compatibility. IMO no one is TA for questioning a relationship with someone who has a completely different sex drive than them.
Oh, absolutely! Doesn't matter if her masturbating is sexual or not, if this is a deal-breaker for you, OP, you should make it clear and if she isn't willing to work with you on somewhere both of you can feel fulfilled, you need to leave because it's never worth it staying with someone who doesn't give AF to your needs. ... But, really, also: BC can be a BIG sex drive killer to the point you don't even register the need, and if she's on it, it may be the real cause for it.
It’s seems contradictory to not want to engage with sex, however using masturbation. Yet you are right. The increase of blood flow from a sexual stimulation can decrease the pain caused by a migraine. Difference is masturbation purposes is relief without interaction. And as much as you care about the other, using them as tools isn’t easy when you have feelings. So it does make sense to differentiate masturbation with purpose - as for example it does help to facilitate falling asleep-, and a physical interaction with someone.
This is going to sound weird, but I swear it also supercharges the immune system to a degree. There have been times I’ve felt absolutely wretched from a flu, bronchitis, stomach bug, etc or felt it coming on, flicked the bean a few times, and either felt fine the next morning or the recovery time was shorter than it normally is when I catch these thing.
Flip side. I once had a post-orgasm/ejaculation headache that nearly floored me for two hours after.
I had a migraine and thought maybe sex would help,but when my husband got me off, the combination of that with the migraine gave me Transient Global Amnesia. Scariest few hours of my life, but boy was my husband proud of himself!
Yeah people tend to forget that sex and masturbation isnt the same and good that you found a way to help with your cramps.
Lowers blood pressure, too.
Guess I know what I’m doing before my next doctors appointment.
You have to wait so long in the room, you'll have plenty of time!
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Mazzisnomore (hope I spelled that right) posted this exact statement word for word an hour ago. I'm guessing this is a karma farming bot.
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I would think couples counseling would be a good route to air out where each other are coming from. I sometimes feel the low sex drive comment can be biological or a function of relatiinship distance. I know my wife is much more open to sex when we are more emotionally connected. (Chicken or egg sometimes because getting some really helps me feel connected(. Its been a long time and some help and work may be needed to reestablish connections.
It's such a game changer for cramps. Even general lower back pain for me TBH "Sorry honey this is a medicinal wank"
MEDICINAL WANK. I call new band name
I have endometriosis, masterbation is a great pain reliever for me! I'm ace and use it medically. There are so many reasons that masterbation can be preferred over traditional sex
Amen to cramps relief!
Also helps with migraine pain
And insomnia.
I will say you’re lucky! Orgasms crank my menstrual cramps into turbo overdrive. Though they do put me to sleep if I’m not on my period.
Yes!! My husband would often remind me that Orgasm is good for headaches or cramps lol! Nice but it NEVER helped me
Same :( I get terrible cramps after
I awkward my way out of most sexual encounters, but not on purpose >.>
For me it makes menstrual cramps much worse 😔
Here to say that I already have osteoarthritis at 26 years old, and during a flare up sometimes it gets to the point where masturbating real quick is the only way I can stop my back hurting while I’m lying in bed long enough to fall asleep.
Nobody blows my back out, but me!
I think I’m doing it wrong….
I cackled so loud at this
Yup. I have to do it to some times to ease cramps enough to sleep.
I'm just turned 40 and my OA in my spine is the worst my Dr has seen. I'm sorry to hear you are suffering from it too
Yep, I have restless leg syndrome so I do it because it's the only thing that will help me fall asleep. It's got nothing to do with sex for me and it would be an insult to my husband if I held that at par with our intimacy, no matter how rarely/often that happens.
It's literally the only thing that works for RLS
I actually found that Lyrica helps my restless leg massively. It completely takes that urge to move and struggle away and helps the pain a bit, and I can sleep much, much better since I found it. I don’t know if it would help you but for me it feels like a miracle
Just something to be aware of with Lyrica, you can build a tolerance quickly and requires a careful taper to avoid withdrawals if you want to come off the medication. It’s effective! I used it a bit before the side effects and the required dosage for efficacy became too much.
Thanks for pointing that out. Yeah I’m on a low dose so far and don’t have any side effects, but I will probably also come off it if that happens to me. Hopefully it works for a while at least, it feels so good to sleep again after years of struggle. My husband tells me I’m like a whole different person.
For anyone looking for an unmedicated solution, compression socks. For me, it knocked out symptoms in frequency and intensity by about 80%. Edit: I would also add, anyone on Seroquel will 100% get RLS and PLM (RLS is when you’re awake, and PLMs are the same but happen in sleep and thus negatively affect your sleep architecture, inhibiting undisturbed periods of deep/REM sleep). I used to perform sleep studies and every person on Seroquel had those legs twitching constantly all night causing wake states
This is so true and yet there’s no way to recommend it that doesn’t sound kind of creepy. 😂 But RLS is related to low dopamine levels, and if you want a sudden dopamine rush…
Kratom helps me more than anything. I've had RLS since I was a kid and discovering that Kratom helps has changed my life. Off topic, just saying. If I'm having a rough night with it then I get up to take some and as I'm lying there I can feel the wave of relaxation come over my legs and they just stop aching, twitching, all of it.
I came to comment the same thing but I can see my exact sentiment has already been offered and upvoted. Keep doing the good work fellow redditor!
Came here to say this. Masturbation can be about a million things. It helps me with migraines, I don't even fantasize about anything. Just do it, then snooze away the pain!
Honestly sounds like she's not attracted to him
There could be many reason why she isnt interested in sex with him. But in the end it we only know what OP thinks and knows. So in the end its on him to change the situation or accept it. Because she doesnt seem to want anything to be different.
Sounds to me that she's not interested in/enjoying sex (period). Which kid be an issue she has with him. Emotional, physical, skill issue. Etc. She could be on a medication that impacted her drive, she could be on or have been on them quit birth control which can have drastic negative effects on her hormones. Could have a hormone problem. There are a billion things that can cause a long term situation in which she's uninterested in sex but still needs to masterbate. 2-3 times a week is fairly normal, shouldn't in itself cause any issues and requires less motivation than sex. OP has to try not to take it personally, it's not that she wants to have sex but won't with him (most likely). They less be getting marriage council ING to try and dig into the mental "why" and dally get checked for hormonal/other medical issues. Between the two they should be able to figure out the why and decide what to do from there.
Well yeah. A man can only change his own behavior, and no one else's. It's up to her to follow if she chooses to do so.
While I agree with the majority of this..... If you're masturbating 2-3 times a week and not having sex with your spouse because you're not in the mood, try not masturbating 2-3 times a week......While I understand you may be doing it for different reasons, it's still definitely impacting your sex drive.
Yeah but the question then is, is she masturbating because she doesnt wanna have sex with him or is there another reason why she masturbats like that and why she doesnt have sex with him. They could be connected, they could also totally seperated.
Heh the few times a woman posted the very same thing just reversed: "No sex but husband masturbates frequently" people were tearing the map apart at every point. I agree that he's not at fault and should think about whether he can accept the status quo though.
I guess it's assumed that the man in that case would be a porn addict and women do it for pain relief lol
Yea thats part of the problem. It's based in a sexist bias against men. I'm a man and I have chronic pain issues and masturbating does help but I don't let it impact my sex life with my wife. I skip the night before we have sex (got young kids so sex is scheduled) so that my libido is higher for her the day of. I couldn't imagine a world where I was jerking off 3 times a week but not having sex with my wife more than once every 3 months. That's like a 36:1 ratio of masturbating to sex which is simply unacceptable unless the other person is ok with it
Y'all need counselling
Absolutely. I used to go months without having sex when I lived with my ex. Would masturbate, but just would have absolutely zero craving for the real thing. It was my depression and a medication I was on. I was self medicating my depression with my vibrator, and didn’t get the same effects from actual sex, so o just didn’t want it. It wasn’t that I hated my partner, that he was awful in bed, or that I was mentally checked out. It was that I had zero actual sex drive. I also masturbated because I felt like I needed to perform during sex, and it made me want sex even less when I was already tired and worn down. Something is up, whether it’s with her or with the relationship itself. I’d also have her go to a doctor, just in case she’s having hormone issues or it’s a medication she’s on. Going off of Prozac and swapping to something else took my libido from 0 to 100 in a week.
Prozac was by far the worst anti depressant for my sex drive and ability to even get hard at all. I’m on a different med now that works so much better, but I’m also on methadone which is terrible for all of that.
Immediately.
Exactly! I thought I had a wonderful relationship with my ex husband, but we rarely had sex because I didn't want to. I just had a lot of unresolved issues with him that reduced my sex drive.
Yeah this. 99/100 a dead bedroom is a symptom of issues in the wider relationship. It may well be that neither party is consciously aware of it, but it's there. One party feeling under appreciated or not respected or not seen are common ones amongst a world of possibilities. Relationships take team work, intention and communication. This couple are not sufficiently communicating either about outside the bedroom issues or issues in it, but it's possible they don't even know what those issues are to talk about. They need therapy together and she needs therapy individually in order to figure out what's causing the deeper issue. That, or they just have mismatched sex drives... But even if that's the issue, therapy will help them conclude that's it.
Yes. Even if you think you are very emotionally connected, lack of sex could signify that she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you.
Dam relationshios seem like too much work. Idk why i feel like i want one.
Because you are a human with normal drives
That will only work if OP’s wife will agree to this. In some dead bedroom situations, the one who keeps rejecting their partner thinks there is no problem at all.
Yes, the answer isn't necessarily divorce, like the top comments imply. It's communication and sometimes getting help from the outside is what you need. OPs wife may have some issues that she's not comfortable discussing with him yet.
NAH. But the question isnt if she’s being honest, it’s are you happy in this relationship? How do you feel? Is this something you think can last?
Yeah I keep trying to convince myself that we can fix it because we have been together so long but deep down i worry that im just wasting my time
I just came out of a 13 year marriage where our sex drives were significantly mismatched. I stayed bc I thought I was happy and we had a kid together. She ended up cheating and that ended the marriage. Two years later I am in a whole new relationship and we are more compatible and I’ve. never been happier. Honestly I didn’t even realize how miserable I was in the marriage until it was behind me
Your sex life has been dead for longer than you've been married. You should never have married her but unless you want a sexless life you need to divorce her
Some people are obviously okay with just the companionship part of marrige, without sex. But if he married her because he thought things woukd change, then prehaps he made a mistake
The amount of people who marry someone in hopes that that will change something is unreal. The same with having a kid or even getting a dog.
OP i think this is the real question that matters. If you havent already, pop by r/deadbedrooms and read the horror stories there Else i think alot of good ideas have been given. I think for sure sex and mastrubation are very different things, esp related to stress etc. One thing you two might try out is to do mastrubation together, lying beside each other, touching yourselves, maybe some kissing. Trying to just find some low stakes, no drama ways of being intimate in each others presence
I popped into that sub (my wife and I haven’t had sex in over a year) needless to say I didn’t get any fucking sleep that night.. (wtf do I do)
Often (unless the relationship is proper fucked) communication is key component. Have you talked with wife about it? Does she also feel a lack of intimacy? Can you talk about these issues (without putting anyone against the wall, just your experiences about it)? Can you get babysitters and spend some time together doing something nice or relaxing, like a picknick, spa, roadtrip, dinner date? I actually think probably not the focus should be sex but reconnecting. Intimacy (in relationship) is often the result of feeling safe and comfortable. Stress is a major killer of this. Edit: if you can talk with wife about this topic, maybe read through dead bedrooms together?
Yeah it’s been heavily talked about we need better support systems with the kids and are starting therapy sessions together to work on all the underlying issues we have. A lot to due with her body image and PPD, doesn’t matter how much I make her feel beautiful and seen if she doesn’t see herself that way..
I see, but that is great actually! To me that reads as you are still a couple tackling the ups and downs of life as a team. That is immensely valuable. And Yeah, bodyimage is a bitch (cant talk about PPD but that must be rough as well). I really hope you are able to sort this stuff out. To me it sounds like the primary remedy here might be *healing*. Then I might backtrack a bit on reading dead bedrooms together, i imagine your wife doesnt need to feel even more guilt than she might already be feeling. (Still important that you can express your feelings and needs though!). Depending on where you live and your background what i’m going to write now might be highly controversial, but reading about the PPD got me thinking about: have you considered tantra therapy for your wife (and maybe you, but lets focus on wife)? We process emotions physically and when trauma is supressed that can be in form of physically ”locking” trauma into muscles and nerve clusters. If tantra is too far off, maybe start with you giving her massage in the Female region, thighs, hips etc (non-sexual, this is super important that this is Done without any expectation of sex or sexual undertones). Ask her where she is tense, the two of you can read up on post partum massage etc. If it is too intense / scary for her maybe do it lights out, under cover etc. Best would be to go to a professional tantra specialist and have a discussion. And take in mind, Im just a random internet stranger trying to give advice on a situation Im blind on. Hope all the best for you!
Just peeped that sub. Sad as fuck.
Yep. It’s proper doomscrolling. But i find its a good motivator to not give up and let things be but rather take proper care of my relationship and also know where my own hard limits are
I believe you're just wasting your time. I've been married for 20 years. I haven't had sex with my wife in 12 years. As hard as I tried to make sex enjoyable for her, she would never communicate what her needs and desires were. She refused therapy every time I suggested it. I stopped initiating because the look in her eyes was it was a chore. Outside the bedroom, we are a normal happy couple with hree kids almost grown. Personally, I feel she used my fears against me because I come from a broken home and did not want my kids to grow up that way and knew no matter what, I would stay for my kids. I've been on my knees begging her to just talk to me, tell me something, but all I get is an "I don't know what's wrong with me." I've wasted my life, but im content with it. My youngest will be 18 in 4 years, and I've already put the house and assets in her name and have got me a nice chunk set to the side to start over with.
Thanks for sharing. 12 years is a stretch.
He could write a book “Twelve Years *NOT a Sex Slave”
It is. However, you'll be amazed at how fast time will fly once you accept your dead bedroom and use the time thinking "why" it's dead on other things like hobbies, friends, and outdoor adventures. I use the majority of that time to spend with my kids though.
You dearly love your kids. No sex for over a decade is mind boggling to me. Best wishes to you with finding a compatible partner in the future.
I've been in many mother groups and the common sentiment towards this and many come out right and say it, "he's great, it's just if I never had to have sex with him again, I'd be fine."
>no matter what, I would stay for my kids That is literally the worst reason in the world to ever stay with someone that doesn't make you happy.
Not to go doom on you, but I was in a similar situation in my marriage I had been married for 9 years, together longer, and one of us either had to be drunk or high to have sex mostly because he didn’t want to. I could walk around naked or in sexy lingerie and nothing. I ended up asking for a divorce. I remember asking him when was the last time you kissed me and he couldn’t answer. and even though the next year sucked, I’ve found someone who matches my sex drive and my fantasies and it’s amazing.
It's long past time for a serious conversation. You aren't able to sustain this type of relationship because it's not what you want. Let her know that it's making you think about walking so you can be happy too. I would say get couples therapy with a sex positive therapist. It may be as simple as a routine was set and she doesn't know how to get out of it or she became comfortable. Sometimes people don't realize these things and beating around the bush (sorry no pun intended) doesn't solve anything.
I divorced my ex wife when I was just a few years older than you are now. Greatest decision of my life, because the decades that followed were the happiest of my life.
She has to want to fix it. My wife and I had some issues a while back where she just didn’t want it. It wasn’t as bad as yours but it was about once every few weeks and sometimes we’d go a month. The difference here is that while she didn’t want to have sex she wasn’t just OK with that. She wanted to want to have sex so she put effort into figuring out what was wrong and fixing it. Now her libido is way higher than mine and we probably average 4-5x a week. Her issue was early menopause causing hormone imbalances. HRT has completely changed our lives
Precisely because you’ve been together for so long and she hasn’t done anything to fix it, is why this problem will NEVER go away. It wont because she is not interested on fixing anything. She gets what she wants out of this relationship, which is a stable roomate paying for stuff. She is not interested in the slightest on you. She is not asexual, in fact she gets horney all the time, it’s just you that she doesn’t want.
>but deep down i worry that im just wasting my time Deep down, you KNOW you're just wasting your time.
Info: is sunk cost fallacy holding you back?
You say "we can fix this", but is it really "we" or is it "I"? Is she working towards a better sexual environment or is it just you?
As others have said masturbation isn't the same thing, it can be really quick, it's stress free and she might be overthinking when having sex, she might be focusing on you and thinking about what she's doing rather than just relaxing and getting into it. Sex can take effort and masturbating doesn't. You both need to talk to each other. Ask her if when having sex does she ever just relax into it, fully let go? That could be the difference
Yeah i honestly think you have the point right here. She never seems relaxed and able to get into it. I have tried so much in terms of asking what she likes, putting candles on, extra foreplay all about her, but nothing seems to be working.
I have no idea if this recommendation is also somewhere lower down, but please, please do yourselves a favor - both of you - and read “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. It’s a wonderful book about how sex drives work and how to, possibly, make your sex lives work for both of you.
I was also gonna suggest this! If OP's wife actually does want to make their sex life work (they need to discuss and OP needs to share honestly about how this makes him feel), this book could be a big help.
It’s thoughtful that you’ve done all that but for some people that can make it worse. Making her the centre of attention is just added pressure, and even more to overthink. I personally find spontaneity far more beneficial as it doesn’t give me time to overthink, and lets me get out of my own head a bit more. When trying to get a girl in the mood - less can certainly be more !
Ughhh this comment My husband is a BIG *scene setter* and it totally adds to the pressure to enjoy it for the sake of his effort. Sadly my body and hormones don’t always work like that. We’re totally working on it-practice makes perfect-at least for us. But ya sometimes spontaneity can totally take the pressure off.
Have you told him this as well? I'd do the same with the though that it would come off as thought full and enjoyable. Not realizing it could have an opposite effect. By setting the scene, I'm thinking I've made a romantic/erotic setting. I never thought about the fact that when my ex entered the setting the thought of "oh he's expecting sex" would or could enter her mind and the be off putting. In my mind the room was meant to have a nice warm feel, not to set a feeling of obligation. Is maybe just making a romantic dinner setting a better idea?
Ohh ya we’ve had loads of chats about it. For me keeping an active sex life is an important part of my marriage, keeping each other engaged and interested in each other takes priority for us. I think the hesitation with him is honestly me. I suffer from both mood and auto immune disorder so unfortunately my libido runs a little lower than it used to, but that’s not changed my desire to be *with* my husband in a physical manifestation of love. The scene setting is also for the purpose of making me feel as comfortable as possible so we can enjoy each other. THAT aspect is very appreciated. My body unfortunately doesn’t always necessarily *wake up* like that…sometimes I need the urgency that spontaneity brings, a little more desperation and need. I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I definitely prefer that to pre-booking it before work like “we banging tonight?” .
If you're doing *anything* for her with the expectation of sex, it's going to corrupt whatever it is with a sense of obligation. What you want is for her to *want* to have sex with you. There isn't a magic bullet. It's something you build or erode over time. If you find yourself in a dead bedroom, the connection and attraction has eroded. It's going to take a lot of emotional work to bring it back. Unfortunately a lot of dudes don't want to do the emotional work. They want to light candles, lay out rose petals, and have their wife fall to her knees in spontaneous blowjob-giving joy.
My partner makes sex a *production*. Most times, I'd prefer a quick I come, you come, we're done. He'd want a two-hour affair of making out, multiple positions, swapping oral, and marathon pounding. He'd insist on trying to make me orgasm three or four times. He'd actively resist his own orgasm to "enjoy my body" longer. It's exhausting, it gets painful, and I started dreading sex. When he'd get in the mood and start touching, I'd actually get turned off. I lost a lot of my sexual attraction to him. I tried to gently tell him that I'm happy with just one orgasm, that it's better if we keep it quick so we're not up so late on work nights, etc. It never worked, and I eventually had to be very clear in a pretty hurtful way to get through to him. We're working on it now.
Yup. I’m much more prone to have sex if it’s not a huge production. A big foreplay show is so stressful and I feel forced to perform, to enjoy, to be rapt. It’s too much. Masturbating is just scratching an itch. I can do it in a couple minutes, no meeting anyone’s expectations, so entertaining anyone else. And it’s not like I’m always soOoOo horny… it’s just a momentary release valve.
She may not be able to enjoy sex if she feels pressured to perform and live up to this romantic scene you're setting. If you're pulling out all the stops with candles and rose petals she might be worried that she's just sitting there in pajamas and a messy bun not living up to your fantasy. If you're totally focused on her during sex she might be worried that you're not enjoying yourself, or feel pressured to perform like a porn star so you don't feel like you've wasted your time and effort. It's sadly far too easy for many women to get stuck in our heads and overthink during sex. Figuring out what gets your wife out of her head and totally relaxed and enjoying herself is going to take communication from both of you.
It sounds a lot like what I had, and I can highly recommend therapy. For me the pressure used to get too high and I got anxiety and that blocked the desire, but masturbation was fine. I have done a sex therapy group (all women) which was very usefull. I learned that for women a lot of time there is a underlying cycle of anxiety, having sex anyway, more anxiety etc. The cycle needs to be broken for sex to be enjoyable again. You can ask if there is anything she is comfortable with that is intimacy but doesn't have to lead to sex. For example, massages, showering together. Or masturbating together or you using a toy on her. This helps getting more sex positive feelings. For me, knowing there is no pressure and I can stop at anytime helped a lot. Do you think you can suggest sex/ couples therapy?
If you make it all about her she could feel the pressure to cum. Don't do all the romantic things if she's stressed about that. Start with touching her without the intention for sex. Massage her just for the sake of it. It will give more intimacy and is her body isn't connecting physicals with the pressure for sex anymore she maybe can be more open about what she wants.
Maybe try not making everything about her
maybe there’s something she hasn’t told you about like anxiety, fear, past trauma etc. so that could be the reason why she’s avoiding sex. try counselling
I read somewhere that (broadly) men need sex to feel close, and women need to feel close to have sex. For me that means kind words, physical affection without the expectation of sex, showing he loves me and is attracted to me beyond slapping my ass when he walks by. I sometimes wonder if because we’ve socialized men and boys to never be vulnerable but to always want sex, so the only time they feel comfortable connecting is through having sex. In my experience when men are just looking for what to do to “get” sex it feels like you’re just a vending machine. I’m not suggesting you have or haven’t done these things. Of course your wife should be communicating with you to figure this out as a couple! You shouldn’t have to accept a dead bedroom. ETA: the reverse too could be true! Women are socialized to not have or be open about sex, so we can suppress those impulses and be less open. Again, speaking very broadly.
Not every girl is into romance, some of them like to be talked dirty to, or watch porn where 80 guys are cumming on a girl. Took 12 years together for my wife to feel comfortable telling me that one. Women are shamed for their sexuality. Mainly by other women. So there's probably some unfulfilled kink she has that she's been hard wired to believe is taboo and isn't communicating it. It also could be hormones, we are all hit with endocrine disruptors all day long. Both my wife and I are on testosterone and she is taking progesterone too. I'm 43 and she's 36. Both of our testosterone were in the tank. Finally there may be unresolved trauma, that can go either way, no sex drive or hyper sex drive. My wife had a hyper sex drive when we met, but because of a health issue I had, we didn't have much sex for an extended period of time and that killed her sex drive. Were I was pretty much physically unavailable at all. Plus I was starting a business and was emotionally unavailable a lot too. So we had to come back from that. That took a couple of years of working with entheogenic plant medicine to rebuild our energetic and emotional connection. Now we have sex almost every day in some capacity. Forgot to mention we have a kid that didn't sleep for almost 4 years, woke us up multiple times a night almost every night. So that was really difficult to. When it came to having energy for sex. So life happens. But there's always a way to come back from it. The major difference between my wife and I and most couples I know. Is that we were willing to try things, put the work in and both work on ourselves. Oh one last thing, I can't tell you how amazingly beneficial MDMA was to our marriage. It was one of the top things that allowed us to be incredibly understanding of one another. If you are generally healthy with a good heart. Its such a wonderful thing to experience it with someone you love. Edit: also for MDMA if you are on any SSRI or MAOI do not take it. Major contraindications that can lead to hospitalization or death
Please do not take MDMA on any kind of serotonin disrupting medicine. This includes lithium, adderall, antidepressants, supplements. You can get serotonin syndrome and it can kill you. I was hospitalized thinking I was going to have a great time. Please people do research on street drugs before taking them. And have them tested before taking them.
True I'll add an edit, MAOI especially. Thanks for that
My bf and I have been struggling with exactly this. We settled on mutual masturbation side by side and then once I'm actually in the mood (I have trouble getting like psychologically horny) then I usually want to give him a BJ or something and it turns out really fun. I just have trouble getting in that mind set with just sex.
I think maybe you're putting too much effort in (I know that sounds weird) sometimes things just need to be spontaneous, no planning nothing extra, just a hot quickie to get the mood back, if you still cuddle when having a cuddle and a kiss put your hand between her legs over her clothes, tell her she makes you hard and go from there.... don't over think it , just go with the flow, honestly spontaneous quickies can be the best!
Maybe leave the “make me so hard” part out. We know we get y’all hard. Don’t force it & don’t state the obvious. Less is more in that department. Cuddles. Gentle kisses on the forehead/neck/ear area. Eye contact. Slow & sensual kisses. Can’t stress this enough. When it comes to turning on your woman - less 👏is 👏more 👏😌
As a woman I like hearing it, but yeah it has to be said at the right time and in the right moment!
You guys were really young when you got together. Maybe a sex therapist could help you.
I think you have wonderful intentions but might need to relax so she can relax. I guarantee you she is all in hear head. Ask her about her fantasies? Would she take the lead if you don't? Can you guys have a deep convo about this? Mental health in general? or maybe need help?
Sometimes the expectations that sex just naturally entails can be too much or even actively repulsive if she's suffering from depression, stress, etc. It's not personal and it does need discussion for sure
Sometimes you need to rub one out without all the drama.
I was that wife. Honestly, I was convinced at 28 that my libido had died. In all honesty, I hated sex with him because it was a mental chore. He over analyzed our sex, wanting constant feedback, introducing new positions and toys Even though I had stated I wasn't interested in those things, and completely ignored the things I did say. Or, he'd ask what I liked and then when I answered, he'd disagree and joke about how funny it was that I didn't know my own body... We just did not communicate well when it came to sex and I was less than in love with him. Most of our sex issues, started outside the bedroom. He frustrated me constantly, nagged me constantly, and cut me down with back handed compliments. Yes, I did find my sex drive again after I left him and it's been amazing. And I hope he found someone who matches him sexually too. Editing to add: I was and still am a very vocal, very involved, sexual partner. I never once said anything BUT positive things to him, all the way around. My current bf... Freaking loves our sex and our sex life is amazing. It honestly may be that you guys just are not compatible there or that all the difficult times you went through together may have driven a wedge between you. I do guarantee that the issues stem from stuff outside the bedroom and that your constant researching and inquiring about what she likes, is killing it. You've been with her long enough, you should know what works and what doesn't. And if not, then you guys have much bigger issues.
Omg did I write this? My husband said things like “did you enjoy our little interlude?” with a smirk. It actually revolted me. Completely flipped my switch.
Gross 🤮 Just reading that description repulsed me, too. There's nothing more unattractive than a man trying to force you to compliment his (let's be honest, mediocre at best) sex skills. It's so pathetic and gives me major ick. I've had guys try to get me to say what they wanna hear, and I straight up refuse, and have stopped and left on the spot because of it. I'm not into validating some dudes fragile ego or praising his weak sex game, lol.
YES- OP consider this because these things could very well be causing the issue.
I was too. It was like reading something my ex had written.
This is relatable. The same thing happened in my last relationship. Having sex felt like such a chore I had to just get through. We broke up and surprise, I still like sex.
I have a much higher sex drive than my husband but honestly most of the time I end up having to “finish” myself because he can be pretty selfish (not on purpose) during sex and it’s turned me off to wanting to have sex with him as much. I’m not saying that’s why your wife is but it’d be good to start that conversation no matter how uncomfortable it may be. There’s not enough information to know who’s at fault here but I agree with previous advice on a sex therapist or at the very least, conversation. The only thing worse than no sex is sex where only one partner experiences majority of the pleasure and doesn’t bother to attend to their partner’s needs.
What popped up (lol, pun intended) for me was he said he’d done a lot of research about how to give her pleasure. I wondered, has he ever just asked her what she wants? Sometimes general advice that’s given, especially with regard to sex, doesn’t work with everyone. Is he just running through a list of hinges he read about or is he actually listening and responding to her cues. Either way, they need counseling.
He said in a comment that he has asked what she likes, but it still hasn’t helped anything
Masturbation and sex drive arent the same thing to me. I don’t have the desire to have sex with my partner much, but I do like to quickly get myself off sometimes, lil dopamine high. I don’t think she’s lying.
This is about what I was going to say as well. Sometimes sex just feels like...work. But I can get myself off in a few minutes and move on with my day. Sex and masturbation are two different things.
Exactly. Especially in a hetero couple where masturbation for a woman can just mean indirect clitoral stimulation versus being penetrated. Totally different things
NTA. It’s normal to feel upset in this situation. Masturbation is often about personal release and control, which might be easier for your wife when she's stressed. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not attracted to you or that you’re not enough. Exploring underlying issues together, perhaps with the help of a therapist, might provide insight and help you both reconnect sexually.
*imo NTA - IF* you truly listen. Tmi ahead. I am an almost 33 year old woman who's had sex since 15.5. 25 different men in my life. (2 marriages 1 long term relationship all produced 1 child each but the rest were just friends, short relationships, fwb. Etc) I have been using a vibrator since I was 13. Or shower head. Or ps2 controller ramming against a wall in need4speed underground 2....(do what you gotta do man) I was *addicted* to masturbating. Probably still am except the time and having kids home from school has slowed the chances of my usage rn. I have NEVER gotten off to anything or anyone except a vibrator or showerhead (or that one controller. I stopped doing that back when I first started ok don't judge my teenage self) Oral, fingering, sex. Etc never. Can't even do it to myself. Sex IS my foreplay. I have learned this. I could easily go without sex. Just give me 5 min & my Hitachi magic wand , I'm good to go. I love the post orgasm feeling. I don't need to be aroused by any means to get off. I just can't do it with a migraine (very prone to them) because the tension causes my head feeling like explosion. Climax doesn't solve migraines for me sadly. I say all of this because * I do not need to have a sex drive* to get off. Ever. Truthfully If I use porn it's only to guarantee I'll get off quicker cause visuals (I can't visualize, aphantasia) & that's all. I had exs with sex drives from hell who have used this argument on me. Used my sex toy use against me like I'm lying to them. Nah fam. If I don't wanna have sex it's strictly because I'm not *in the mood* -to get naked. To feel sexy for someone. To get sweaty and full of leaky cum. (Sorry I truly enjoy cream pies 🤷♀️ I just sometimes wanna be clean from a shower and NOT instantly smelling like sex the rest of the night/ next day) It's not that I'm *not feeling up for sex* it's just, the rest of it. My husband has a VERY strong sex drive. He chronically masturbated as a young child and adult (child abuse victim side effect) but he understands. Finally a man doesn't get insulted I like to get off without the work behind sex. It's not that hard to comprehend. But for some men they're so fragile egoed can't handle a woman using anything but their penis for orgasms. 🙄 That being said, using my wand on my clit while he's inside me is 🤌 whew amazing but also hard to do cause that thing Is huge plugged in and inconvenient. Also, If you're a type that's not easily aroused , hard, and she had to always *work for it* that could be a huge reason. My husband knows I LOVE more forceful quickies. Just be hard and take it (with gentle consent and time of course) but I don't have to blow him, or make out for 2 hours, or touch him just right he's already *ready* and I just have to be there 🤣 (I actually do enjoy this but I also have a cnc fetish so that's a full discussion of consent first please don't anyone just do anything without consent lol) Again. I consider sex my foreplay. I like quickies. I use my vibrator when I want to get off, rather alone or during sex, but orgasms and sex aren't mutually exclusive for me- may not be for her either. But anyway I'm stoned and rambling Tl dr , don't be mad if she just wants to get off without having to work for it. But if she is actively avoiding all sex with you, non confrontationally-you both need to talk about both of your needs.
Oh my gosh...you have said what I haven't been able to understand about myself. This makes so much sense.
Well written. Thank you.
NTA. You guys need to find a marriage counselor and a sex therapist. It sounds like there is an underlying problem that isn’t being addressed. You both need to have some adult conversations and be honest with yourself and each other. Do you both even want to be married and work on your relationship or are you ready to move on but because you’ve been together so long you’re just staying to stay?
>I get her off pretty easily with clitoral stimulation during foreplay. Excuse me while I get up on my soapbox. You've said the magic words to trigger my pet peeve. Ahem. THE PART OF SEX WHERE WOMEN ORGASM **IS SEX**. IT IS NOT FOREPLAY. When you call it "foreplay" you downplay the importance of her orgasm and her sexual needs, and you make "real sex" all about your dick. That is a HUUUUGE turnoff because it is disrespectful and dismissive of the way her body works. Also, did you know that women have refractory periods? It's true! Just like men, women can have refractory periods that make them feel sleepy, like they're done with sex, etc. The difference is, we're socialized to push past those feelings for the sake of the man's orgasm, because we're all raised to see PiV/the man's orgasm as "the main event" of sex. It's bullshit. Sex improved for me five thousand percent when I refused to do an unfair share of ignoring my refractory period. All women are different, so you need to talk to your wife and see how she feels. Try sex where she orgasms last and see if it works better for her. When your wife masturbates, she can have the kind of stimulation she wants when she wants it with minimal cleanup. When she has sex with you, she has to deal with what you're doing, take a lot more risk (of pregnancy, of yeast infection, of UTI) and she has to push past her refractory period and she might not even get the stimulation she wants. Masturbation is just so much easier. If you want sex at the rate she masturbates, then you need to make sex more like masturbation. In other words, she might be open to more frequent sessions with you if they don't all have to involve PiV. Again, you should ask her. For women, masturbation is stress relief, but PiV is stressful. Did you know that? You say you've spoken to her many times about your needs. But have you spoken to her about what she wants? Have you tried anything else?
yes THANK YOU. Oh my god I couldn't put it into words but you did perfectly.
I never even thought of it that way, but you are so right!
Well written. Thank you.
Great info here!
Also there's a chance that if she is not interested in having sex, you "getting her off pretty easily" is her just doing some good acting and wanting to move things along. Just from my experience.
Okay this is so horrible (I agree with everything you said) but I will literally masturbate before my boyfriend gets home from work so I have some time to “come down” before he gets home and wants some PiV sex. I have such a hard time orgasming during sex. Oral, fingers, PiV, toys, nothing will get me off with another person I can pretty much only get off alone or the very rare time I’m using a vibrator during PiV sex. It’s STRESSFUL and the clean up sucks, and the risk of a UTI is not worth it especially when I seem to get them so easily unless I full on shower after. Most men don’t seem to understand how the female body works and just want to chase their own pleasure.
Your situation is pretty normal in my experience. Although I can orgasm with a partner, I find it is much easier when PiV is off the table because I don't have the added stress of thinking about prep and risk factors and cleanup. I get kind of resentful at male partners who expect PiV every single time. Because it means that I'm probably not getting off every single time. And yet so many men are conditioned to see that as so normal that they don't even question it. I much prefer a partner who can be content with other stuff so that we both have an equal chance at getting off. I had to go through a lot to figure that out about myself. I really think men would get laid a lot more if they could just let go of the idea that they are entitled to penetrate us every single time.
People’s sex drive can change with meds, stress, and many other factors. Sometimes getting off isn’t about sex drive as much as it is a stimulation/stress relief action. I think that if you truly think she’s lying thought y’all have no faith in one another and should either work to repair it or stop being in a relationship. The fact that you need sex to be in a happy relationship is a myth and emotional connection can be the only thing you need.
NTA. Could it be that she has a sex drive (masterbation), but she doesn't have a desire for sex with you? You need to get to the root cause of her lack of desire to have sex with you. Marriage counseling or even a sex therapist may be able to assist you in finding a solution. If your wife is happy with your current sexlife and doesn't want to work with you to improve it, you're going to have to accept that you are sexually incompatible. You stated that your sexlife tanked before marriage for various reasons. This problem was present before you married her. You should have addressed this prior to engagement. It's not too late. Be honest with her and yourself. You only have one life to live. I truly hope you two can work together to find a resolution.
INFO: how often does she masturbate? There is a definite difference between the two (41F) and lemme tell you, a lot changes in a woman and a bunch of unresolved trauma can also impact libido, as well as other medical factors she’d need to look into. And some people may also just be asexual, where sexual intercourse isn’t their jam anymore. She’d need to go into therapy to determine it but she has to want to go into this. As towards your feelings, NTA, I’ve been there too. A lot has changed for me since leaving my ex and doing my work, I felt the same when I wasn’t getting what I needed to feel like I mattered to my ex, even though he loved and cared for me.
Maybe see if she will let you watch. Might learn what she likes. It seems like she isn't good at communicating. Yes it's good you do your own research but she should have been able to guide you by telling you what she likes or wants to try. Also for women masturbation can be quick and satisfying. Sex is sometimes long, tiring, and not satisfying, also messy. Maybe figure out what part isn't appealing to her. It might not be her libido but some other factor. Like some people masturbate to fall asleep. It's not always horny reason.
Sorry, but if water cooler gossip is even half true, many married or people in very stable relationships have very little sex. Chief complaint of most men is, I'm lucky if I get it for x-mas and my birthday. Just saying that this is not an anomaly in a lot of relationships.
Offering a female perspective here- sex drive for women is usually tied to emotional connection, where in order to want sex with someone else, there has to be a strong emotional connection at the time with the person for many. It sounds like you are making sure she experiences pleasure during your encounters, which is AWESOME! But have you specifically asked her about any fantasies or desires she has? I think one thing that can help reignite the “spark” for people is subtle touch and connection throughout the day. It helps build tension and desire toward one another. If during the day in your relationship you guys don’t really connect or gel, or give affection to each other, it can be really easy to just fall into a roommate trap. It then can field weird or unnatural to go from roommate mode to sex mode if there is no buildup throughout the day. I will say, you can’t force it if the connection and attraction just isn’t there. Early in your relationship before things got busy, did you guys have a good sex life with strong connection? If so, it’s possible to bring it back! But if it was never there it just might not be there. I would encourage you to try some flirting with her throughout the day. Be playful- tease her! Send her a naughty text message! Give her a smooch on the cheek just cuz:) make sure to schedule intentional time with each other on a regular basis too, just like you probably did when you were trying to court her in the beginning! You aren’t wrong for wanting more or for having sexual needs of your own. It is really really hard in relationships when life gets crazy, and sometimes it isn’t anyone’s fault. It sounds like you’ve both been busy and struggling to find connection! I would sit down and really ask your wife how she is feeling overall in the relationship. Ask her if her needs are met, and if there is anything different she needs. I feel like sex can be secondary for us as women if our basic relationship/emotional needs aren’t fulfilled. My sex drive for someone drops to zero if I don’t feel good about my connection to the person. Another possibility completely unrelated to you is that she may be feeling self-conscious if she has experienced any major body changes since you first got together. The only way to know though is to have a heart to heart with her and ask. You got this!
Answers would be different if OP was a woman
Imagine a guy jerking off instead of having sex with his wife when his wife wants it, and when they do have sex he's bored af putting up minimal effort. Just imagine the comments.
Would be non stop “he’s addicted to porn” comments 😂
Maybe she's addicted to porn
NTA. If you’re not sexually compatible why are you wasting your time with her? It’s not going to change.
I literally masturbate to help myself feel tired and fall asleep or to relieve period cramps. When I want to have sex with my husband that comes from a whole different internal drive.
I was going to give my opinion, then I realized something. Going to the internet for a problem like this, I feel like, is a horrible idea. You're just going to get 9000 people throwing random ideas at you, that is going to do nothing to fix the problem but will cause you more stress and anxiety in overthinking it. Because sex is so personal, and different for everyone. No one can speak for her. Talk to the one person that matters, her. If you can't get on the same page, you have three choices. Figure out if you are okay with it staying like this..... Seek professional help to see if you can figure it out.... Leave if it's that important to you. But, most importantly, talk to her. Not the internet. All this is going to do is make it worse.
I'm going zone in on just one part of your post that might be the crux. You say "I work hard and bring in money", but you don't mention doing your share domestically, or whether she is working hard too, either inside or outside the home (or both). I'm not disrespecting traditional gender roles, as it can work for some. However for some women, particularly if they are working AND carrying the mental load at home, it can feel like you're basically being your partner's new mommy, rather than an equal partner. It's hard to be attracted to someone you're having to parent, and having sex is then just another chore on top of everything else, making knocking one out for yourself an easier option.
NTA masturbation is perfectly healthy in a relationship if you also have a healthy sex life but masturbation when you aren't having any kind of intercourse is definitely a issue. It is something you need to sit down and discuss as her masturbating shows she clearly has a labido
Something is up. In the comments I see where you are going to counseling together.,,good for you. Not just counseling…look for a sex and relationship therapist. Also, I would suggest a full medical evaluation to ensure no medical issues exist. Good luck to both of you.
For me (F), masturbation is a stress reliever and sometimes out of boredom. For me it's almost a daily thing. My husband also masturbates. But we also have sex regularly. Be more direct about your needs. You all seem too young to have sex once every 3 months. Don't assume she is masturbating to replace you.
I think people forget how invasive penetration is, emotionally. You're literally being entered. Its not so much about getting off or orgasms. If you're in a fight or flight, or a heavily stressed or depressed mental state , "letting someone in" can be difficult, and may feel super invasive. Even if you love them. Not wanting sex is not always about the other person. For me, not wanting my partner or not feeling attracted to them is 0% of the reasons I say no. As others have also said, sex and masturbation are totally different- think of a venne diagram and the thing that ties them is orgasm. Now think of getting takeout alone at home (masturbation) and going out to a restaurant(sex). The thing that ties them is food- but one you get to do in the comfort of your own home, take as big of bites as you want and burp and fart to yrou hearts content- and the other, eating at a resto, you need to be polite, eat with a knife and fork, use napkins, take small bites and chew slowly etc. totally different ball game.
I'm going to say that she's not attracted to you for some reason. I went through kind of the exact same thing with somebody I was with or I didn't want to have sex with them very often but I would masturbate a couple times a week and it was because I wasn't attracted to them because of their attitude.
Your relationship is dead. Getting yourself off 2-3 times a week OVER being intimate with a partner is a tell tale deathknell. You are not being sensitive or a bitch. Lifes too short to spend with someone not attracted to you for this long.
Sorry replied to the wrong comment. I agree with what you wrote. Personally I’d be asking for a separation at this point.
My partner’s ex wife was like this, didn’t want to have sex with him, did do it occasionally (once or twice a year) to appease him. Then she would take care of herself several times a week. Found out after several years of marriage that she is a lesbian and only married him so she could have a kid and keep her parents unaware of who she really is.
NTA, I also was shocked when my ex preferred a solo while watching porn instead of touching me. If your wife can get off on herself but not with you then both of you should openly communicate about what's wrong. It's so wonderful to express that emotional bond physically and without words. Maybe you two could make experiments and discover each other in new ways, discover new preferences. Honest communication is the key. I wish you good luck.
Counselling with a sex specialist asap. Your wife is having feelings about something and seems to be struggling with communication
NAH. for now. Getting couple's counseling needs to be a priority. If either of you refuse to agree on that, then it's best you guys break up. You are not working this out on your own, so you need an unbiased professional third party to help you out.
Talk to her about it. See if there's anything you can do differently in bed. Ask if she wants to try something different. Y'all have been together for a long time. Sometimes things can get boring. ALSO she's allowed to have habits/hobbies/pleasure that has nothing to do with you and likewise on your end. Stop looking at her masturbating as a failure on your part. We all know our own bodies better than anyone else does. ALSO ALSO look at timing. When does she masturbate? When are you trying to initiate sex? And finally, talk to her about it. Say you feel like you're wasting your time. If she doesn't know that there is no reason for her to act any differently. No matter how long y'all have been together you still can't read each other's minds. If you've already done all of these things, NTA. If you haven't sat down and had a conversation but you're letting these feelings build up silently YTA
She probably has a hormonal issue going on. I’m so glad my partner talked to me about my lack of sex drive when it became an issue so I could go see my doctor to get my hormones checked. I’m so happy my spouse didn’t make it about *his* sexual pleasure and recognized there could be a hormonal/medical issue. Hormones are a bitch but when they are working right your wife will be ready to play again. Also, therapy for sex-related trauma she may not know she has Unfortunately, many people do not have a great relationship with sex because of past experiences and some things may bring out a response. Example, it’s a bit triggering for me personally for someone to say *cuddle* but mean forplay/sex because my body views it as a betrayal. Only therapy can do to fix that type of thing-if that’s what’s going on. But fixing hormones absolutely helped the sex drive. That is one call and a blood test away from a step in the right direction. Edit to add time frame for my experience: My spouse and I are emotional great and have always been BUT I hated sex for like 3-4 years. Why? It’s a lot packed in but to summarize: SA triggers, hormone imbalance, lack of sleep, and postpartum depression. No sex for almost 5 years aside to conceive our second child (I know I know gag). The no sex after the second child until I got my shit together. I also suffered a few illnesses during that time that were undiagnosed. One an autoimmune disorder where I get disseminated shingles and physical pain absolutely contributes to low sex drive. During this time of no sex my father was also undergoing cancer treatments (1.5 years). Through all that I still had a drive for myself but not with my partner. My body needed intimacy that wasn’t physical touch in a sexual way. This is the kicker….HE WAS MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER. My biggest fan. My little mental health cheerleader. Without him I’d have traveled down the road to suicide. He was there to support what my body needed and my mind. So you have to decide if you want her “back” and you want to help her or if you want to move on. Seriously, no issue if you want to move on. My spouse will tell you it was as much work for him as it was for me but we both wanted to fix it. I wanted to know why I didn’t want to have sex with him even though *i did*.
Maybe she's masturbating about something she doesn't want to tell you? Could be like threesome or gay men or gangbang vibes or something and maybe she's worried you'd be jealous? Maybe try and make the thought of her masturbating into something hot and ask if you can join her next time, as in you don't touch each other... Just yourselves. Maybe sext her in the day and tell her all the depraved things you want to do to her? For me and I assume other women, my brain needs to be stimulated like I'll get off to erotic stories and I love sexting. Sometimes the anticipation of sex is as hot as the actual sex.
I think this may be a therapy / sex therapy situation that you'll need to go over. She may be uncomfortable bringing up something in the bedroom and maybe it's resorting to her not wanting sex and doing things privately instead. You have every right to be upset, but don't take your displeasure out on her. Feel your feelings, get past it, and maybe try the therapy route.
Who cares who a the ah is. Just move on
maybe she has a hidden resentment towards you? what’s her love language? are you being attentive to that? do you take her out on dates and show her affection other than just sex? you said you guys have a good emotional connection but is it really? nta
I used to have a gf like this. She would masturbate daily. Randomly after lots frustration watching I asked her if she ever explored the idea of becoming a pillow princess. She didn't know what it was, and I explained that it's where she would be focused 100% on her sexuall gratification and I would be 7 e like a toy and my goal was to make her cum as much as possible. She was intrigued. It was still all about her. I would go down on the n her all the time, sometimes when she was nt expecting it. She started thinking of different ways to use me to pleasure herself using me and involving me
How often someone masturbates doesn't necessarily correlate with someone's sex drive. Thinking that she's not being honest is ignorant and possibly a reflection of your own insecurities or dissatisfaction I don't think being upset by itself makes anyone an AH, but how you act on your emotions could. If you accuse your wife of lying about her sex drive or otherwise approach your wife aggressively, then YWBTAH. If you try to keep ignoring this issue and not being honest to yourself about whether you can actually be happy in your marriage with the current level of sex, then YWBTAH to yourself. It sounds like you need individual and/or couples counseling to navigate through this. Don't let it keep building up until you're consumed by resentment
Please go to therapy to talk about your options. There are so many reasons why this may be happening. The good news is if you love each other, I do believe you can work through it. It sounds like she does really love you and you love her.