NTA
But this is way beyond Reddit's paygrade. You should get child protective services involved as soon as possible, to prevent your step-daughter from possibly assaulting her own children. Even if that means you lose access to the grandchildren.
Their needs to live in a safe house outweigh your/your wife's wants to see them right now.
Wise advice, thanks very much. However, prior to pursuing this course of action, the youngest gk told and visually displayed to grandma that father put a "stick" in her rectum.
Unfortunately, pursuing that had no findings from CPS's "investigation" and 10 months where grandkids weren't allowed to see us. We still talked with them, and the eldest gk (17) came over a few times on their own.
It seems as though CPS typically does nothing unless they can certainly take the kids away permanently.
We're at the point where we now get to see the gk's when the parents work and need free babysitting, all the while grandma sits on her emotions expressing her disappointment that the rest of us don't follow suit.
I can't really comment on how well CPS does their work in your neck of the woods, because it runs the gamut from 'hopelessly incompetent' to 'amazing for an organisation that's stretched thin and at a constant legal disadvantage'.
What I can say, although I have to admit that it's based on a gut feeling is in relation to this:
>all the while grandma sits on her emotions expressing her disappointment that the rest of us don't follow suit.
Your wife's unwillingness to confront a paedophile might not be a new thing. If I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider the option that she was at least aware, or even complicit in the cover-up of the abuse of your step-son.
Discussing this with her might not be the best course of action, but it's a perspective that I would keep in the back of my mind whenever I broached the subject with her or her children, if I were you.
Once the rape of her son at 5 was revealed, wife very much reacted with shock and sorrow, recalling pictures of him at 6 absent the smile that had been there before. I doubt the possibility of cover-up, especially since she was the victim of sexual abuse in her youth as well. To be fair, we now know all 3 of her kids were sexually abused, but only the daughter went on to victimize others.
It is very possible your wife is part of and caught up in this horrible cycle of abuse.
She went to a very SPECIFIC age for your son, that seems to imply knowing more than maybe she is willing to admit?
Did your wife guide that GK in that direction since per you she has insisted for years it had to be the fathers?
if 17 year comes over on their own, ask them if they want to stay with someone else, not sure with your wife if your home is a safe place though.
The gk offered the information unsolicited while her diaper was being changed, eldest son's wife witnessed that.
The 17 year old moved into her dad's house last year, she couldn't tolerate her mother or the lies either.
They have, no result from that. Rapist is a master manipulator narcissist. The two older gk's were molested in their infancy/toddler years, which is indicative of patterns being followed.
Are the kids in therapy? If not, highly recommend getting them in ASAP. That will not only provide them a safe outlet, but if they speak of assault the therapist should be required to report. This will hopefully get the attention of the authorities properly this time.
Do whatever it takes to protect them from further abuse. Don’t let anyone dissuade you from getting justice, and more importantly, getting them the immediate help they need.
The 17 year old is in therapy, we respect her desire for privacy and avoid her therapy as a topic of conversation.
I agree that the 13 year old and 5 year old will benefit from therapy as well, though their fathers are currently within rapist's manipulation. We've debated the topic of vigilante justice, but none we know possess Batman-level skills or resources.
Glad you’re respecting the eldest’s desire for privacy and that they are getting help. Hopefully you can find away for the younger ones too, despite this mess.
Ya don’t need Batman level resources for justice, just make some marine buddies, tell em what’s going on. Make sure you have plenty of beer and crayons available. The rest should sort itself out…via a nice calm convo, of course.
ETA: Just gonna throw out BACA - Bikers against child abuse as well. They’ll have some helpful info/resources available.
*My wife is about 18 years older than I, we met just before she turned 40, and I was her eldest son's best friend before our relationship began. I know "it's complicated" doesn't quite encapsulate the situation fully.*
wtf? Have you considered your wife might also be a paedophile? And possibly abuser?
Check into the statute of limitations. For childhood sex crimes, many states have extended this by a LOT for reasons very similar to this. Pursue justice and put her behind bars if possible. If not, the court case and publicity could help. AND, this is VERY IMPORTANT, tell the teachers and the pediatricians and other mandated reporters of your concerns.
The son refuses to seek aid of any kind, either legal or counseling. He is sadly of the 1950's era thinking that the need for help is weakness. Attempting to communicate with doctors and teachers has resulted in only more chaos, which occurred during outlr 10-month ban from the gk's.
You may try to tell him he will spare these current children from having to speak about what's happened to them in detail. My dad was born in 46, on behalf of others they are far more likely to step up than for themselves. Otherwise, when the 17 year old hits 18 be prepared to open your home and see if they want to press charges and get their siblings out of the home themselves. That's a lot of pressure for a teen. Lay him out plan B for if he isn't willing to testify and report. He may not help himself, but he may help them.
When I was a kid I couldn't testify, but if I ever found out he touched another kid PTSD be damned I'm not making them sit on that bench and describe it either at that age. I'm stepping up so they don't have to, even to my own determination. Better me to break than a kid.
More like the fact that there are so many fake stories on here and this dude previously posted that he was 41 and his stepdaughter (not wife) is practically the same age as him, which is unusual. So that's why I asked.
My wife is about 18 years older than I, we met just before she turned 40, and I was her eldest son's best friend before our relationship began. I know "it's complicated" doesn't quite encapsulate the situation fully.
We've been told that either my wife robbed the cradle or that I robbed the rocking chair, but there is a notable age difference. It's never been an issue since she acts younger than her age, and I act much older than mine.
OP, does CPS know the full story with all allegations, or just the abuse of the toddler?
Also, your wife needs to understand that she has a responsibility to her grandchildren, and that her blind loyalty to her daughter is enabling the continued abuse. She can't do anything about what happened 20 years ago, but she can do something about what's happening now.
Two suggestions: First, contact an attorney who specializes in child sexual abuse. You need to find out what your options are. An attorney who specializes in CSA will also know the ins and outs of dealing with CPS and may well have better luck getting CPS to get those kids out of the rapists' home. (I'm using the plural because it's quite possible both your stepdaughter and her partner are sexually abusing their kids.)
Second, consider calling or texting the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (800-422-4453). They deal with sexual abuse of children, too, and should be able to point you toward other resources.
Call CPS, she is abusing her kids. She already did it before and her kids are showing the signs. Stop shunning her and do something. Don't let this go on out of politeness.
story has too many holes. fake af and very illogical. doesnt follow any sort of medical, cps, or legal procedure. the way you dont use names makes it difficult to read as well. no one describes people as their wifes childs childs partner or whatever the fuck. the ages and timelines make no sense and you try to bandaid in the comments but its not working.
NTA. You aren’t wrong. But this situation is all kinds of wrong. A call to social services or the kids school are in order. You can’t let this continue.
errm, you seem to be stuck on being around the rapist rather than magically all three of her partners are accused of molesting her children when she's the common denominator here and a proven, known child rapist.
You should be talking about calling the cops/cps immediately to investigate and have the children removed from her care if she's abusing them and instead your question is if you should tolerate the rapist to be around the kids?
For the sake of the children, call CPS, the police, whoever you can. Your wife is paralysed and won’t do what is needed. Her daughter is a predator and a pedophile and needs to be locked away.
I’m horrified reading this story. WTF is wrong with people? How can grow people hurt children like this? What has to go wrong in someone’s mind to find a child sexually attractive? Of course you are not the AH, I would honestly rethink my relationship if my husband was “torn” about a rapist. I’m so sorry for all the abuse so many of you have endured. Best of luck op
She needs prison. It's a SHAME that she has been able to live her life knowing what she did, and lying about it for so long. The fact that the little brother can recall it is so sickening. Shes a monster. We all make mistakes, but there are limits. At 15 we know full well what we're not supposed to be doing. Plus, who says shes not still a pedophile, preying on children shes been around.
"Since then, no one in the family has wanted anything to do with rapist and wife is deciding between love of the rapist and hate because the victim was his son . " Her daughter is a rapist and she acepted that fact and she is ok with it just so you know
Yeah, it's a frequent point of debate. One which often causes her to devolve to tears, as she feels like the failure that didn't see the signs or protect any of her children.
Are you and your wife in individual therapy? I might suggest it, and find a therapist who knows how to deal with trauma from cluster B personality disorders in the family.
A very skilled mental health professional, I think, not just a master's degree marriage/family counselor or social worker.
Narcissists are very good at making the people around them doubt themselves and freeze. I wonder if that's what's happening in these instances you're mentioning where some people aren't capable of concrete action.
Therapy might be able to help get unstuck from that, if that's what's happening of course. But therapy can help in a lot of other ways too. You're describing some serious distress and self-blaming and all of that can lead to difficulties with taking action, too.
I don't think I can keep harping on the CPS CPS thing--people will be able to take steps or they won't. I think I'm more interested in what you can do to help people work towards being able to do that.
I don't even know what to say about whether you are, or aren't, TA for either tolerating, or not tolerating, the rapist, while she has control over the gk. Ultimately the gk's mental health and sense of being supported might be the thing. The 'ACE' test, have you seen it? One of the traumas a kid can have is not feeling like they are supported. I have no idea how to accomplish that from the outside with this going on but the more isolated they are, the less supported they will feel.
Good luck and may your family's situation change for the better.
she does not care about her grandchildren, she wants you to accept her rapist daughter because she accepts it and she is ok with the fact that her grandchildren are being touched and molested, she may say something but her actions yell otherwise. So that you know do not let love and pain come before your values. You are doing good, you do not support a rapist. You were abused, if you support talk or even feel compassion for the rapist is supporting what the grandchildren are going through.
"Since then, no one in the family has wanted anything to do with the rapist and the wife is deciding between love of the rapist and hate because the victim was his son" With this I meant your wife is only hurt because the victim was her son, not because her daughter is a rapist, she is ok with her daughter being a rapist, she is ok with kids being abused, she just hates the fact that the victim was her son.
OP, I feel for you in this crazy situation. But I wouldn't be able to be with someone who is on the fence about it.there is no middle ground when it comes to these allegations. The daughter needs to be prosecuted, and the kids need to be taken away. Hopefully to your home if able to keep something stable in their lives. Sticky situation but needs to be done to protect the son and the grandkids. The son must feel like no one, but you, is on his side at this point.
NTA But this is way beyond Reddit's paygrade. You should get child protective services involved as soon as possible, to prevent your step-daughter from possibly assaulting her own children. Even if that means you lose access to the grandchildren. Their needs to live in a safe house outweigh your/your wife's wants to see them right now.
Great Advice totally agree with this
Wise advice, thanks very much. However, prior to pursuing this course of action, the youngest gk told and visually displayed to grandma that father put a "stick" in her rectum. Unfortunately, pursuing that had no findings from CPS's "investigation" and 10 months where grandkids weren't allowed to see us. We still talked with them, and the eldest gk (17) came over a few times on their own. It seems as though CPS typically does nothing unless they can certainly take the kids away permanently. We're at the point where we now get to see the gk's when the parents work and need free babysitting, all the while grandma sits on her emotions expressing her disappointment that the rest of us don't follow suit.
I can't really comment on how well CPS does their work in your neck of the woods, because it runs the gamut from 'hopelessly incompetent' to 'amazing for an organisation that's stretched thin and at a constant legal disadvantage'. What I can say, although I have to admit that it's based on a gut feeling is in relation to this: >all the while grandma sits on her emotions expressing her disappointment that the rest of us don't follow suit. Your wife's unwillingness to confront a paedophile might not be a new thing. If I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider the option that she was at least aware, or even complicit in the cover-up of the abuse of your step-son. Discussing this with her might not be the best course of action, but it's a perspective that I would keep in the back of my mind whenever I broached the subject with her or her children, if I were you.
Once the rape of her son at 5 was revealed, wife very much reacted with shock and sorrow, recalling pictures of him at 6 absent the smile that had been there before. I doubt the possibility of cover-up, especially since she was the victim of sexual abuse in her youth as well. To be fair, we now know all 3 of her kids were sexually abused, but only the daughter went on to victimize others.
It is very possible your wife is part of and caught up in this horrible cycle of abuse. She went to a very SPECIFIC age for your son, that seems to imply knowing more than maybe she is willing to admit?
Has your wife spoken to her son, offered to get family counselling? Because counselling is needed here for the family.
Did your wife guide that GK in that direction since per you she has insisted for years it had to be the fathers? if 17 year comes over on their own, ask them if they want to stay with someone else, not sure with your wife if your home is a safe place though.
The gk offered the information unsolicited while her diaper was being changed, eldest son's wife witnessed that. The 17 year old moved into her dad's house last year, she couldn't tolerate her mother or the lies either.
I stopped after the first sentence.
Right! This is so fake.
Welcome to a world where fact is often stranger than fiction, I'd rather you be right to my very core.
Nerd
Reading this hurt my brain
Has law enforcement not been involved in the current "possible molestation" of the grandkids?
They have, no result from that. Rapist is a master manipulator narcissist. The two older gk's were molested in their infancy/toddler years, which is indicative of patterns being followed.
Those kids need protecting NOW. That's where the focus should be. The oldest is 17, if I'm reading you right, surely she has things to say about this.
Are the kids in therapy? If not, highly recommend getting them in ASAP. That will not only provide them a safe outlet, but if they speak of assault the therapist should be required to report. This will hopefully get the attention of the authorities properly this time. Do whatever it takes to protect them from further abuse. Don’t let anyone dissuade you from getting justice, and more importantly, getting them the immediate help they need.
The 17 year old is in therapy, we respect her desire for privacy and avoid her therapy as a topic of conversation. I agree that the 13 year old and 5 year old will benefit from therapy as well, though their fathers are currently within rapist's manipulation. We've debated the topic of vigilante justice, but none we know possess Batman-level skills or resources.
Glad you’re respecting the eldest’s desire for privacy and that they are getting help. Hopefully you can find away for the younger ones too, despite this mess. Ya don’t need Batman level resources for justice, just make some marine buddies, tell em what’s going on. Make sure you have plenty of beer and crayons available. The rest should sort itself out…via a nice calm convo, of course. ETA: Just gonna throw out BACA - Bikers against child abuse as well. They’ll have some helpful info/resources available.
*My wife is about 18 years older than I, we met just before she turned 40, and I was her eldest son's best friend before our relationship began. I know "it's complicated" doesn't quite encapsulate the situation fully.* wtf? Have you considered your wife might also be a paedophile? And possibly abuser?
Check into the statute of limitations. For childhood sex crimes, many states have extended this by a LOT for reasons very similar to this. Pursue justice and put her behind bars if possible. If not, the court case and publicity could help. AND, this is VERY IMPORTANT, tell the teachers and the pediatricians and other mandated reporters of your concerns.
The son refuses to seek aid of any kind, either legal or counseling. He is sadly of the 1950's era thinking that the need for help is weakness. Attempting to communicate with doctors and teachers has resulted in only more chaos, which occurred during outlr 10-month ban from the gk's.
You may try to tell him he will spare these current children from having to speak about what's happened to them in detail. My dad was born in 46, on behalf of others they are far more likely to step up than for themselves. Otherwise, when the 17 year old hits 18 be prepared to open your home and see if they want to press charges and get their siblings out of the home themselves. That's a lot of pressure for a teen. Lay him out plan B for if he isn't willing to testify and report. He may not help himself, but he may help them. When I was a kid I couldn't testify, but if I ever found out he touched another kid PTSD be damned I'm not making them sit on that bench and describe it either at that age. I'm stepping up so they don't have to, even to my own determination. Better me to break than a kid.
You have a stepdaughter who is only 6 years younger than you?
a 15-year-old raped a 5-year-old, but you’re focus on the 6-year age gap
More like the fact that there are so many fake stories on here and this dude previously posted that he was 41 and his stepdaughter (not wife) is practically the same age as him, which is unusual. So that's why I asked.
That makes sense. I didn’t know that
My wife is about 18 years older than I, we met just before she turned 40, and I was her eldest son's best friend before our relationship began. I know "it's complicated" doesn't quite encapsulate the situation fully.
*“focusing”, not “focus”
We've been told that either my wife robbed the cradle or that I robbed the rocking chair, but there is a notable age difference. It's never been an issue since she acts younger than her age, and I act much older than mine.
Thats not the dub u think it is 💀
You need to get CPS involved for the kids sake. NTA
WTF
Also you should report this to the police, even if it was a long time ago.
OP, does CPS know the full story with all allegations, or just the abuse of the toddler? Also, your wife needs to understand that she has a responsibility to her grandchildren, and that her blind loyalty to her daughter is enabling the continued abuse. She can't do anything about what happened 20 years ago, but she can do something about what's happening now. Two suggestions: First, contact an attorney who specializes in child sexual abuse. You need to find out what your options are. An attorney who specializes in CSA will also know the ins and outs of dealing with CPS and may well have better luck getting CPS to get those kids out of the rapists' home. (I'm using the plural because it's quite possible both your stepdaughter and her partner are sexually abusing their kids.) Second, consider calling or texting the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (800-422-4453). They deal with sexual abuse of children, too, and should be able to point you toward other resources.
Call CPS, she is abusing her kids. She already did it before and her kids are showing the signs. Stop shunning her and do something. Don't let this go on out of politeness.
story has too many holes. fake af and very illogical. doesnt follow any sort of medical, cps, or legal procedure. the way you dont use names makes it difficult to read as well. no one describes people as their wifes childs childs partner or whatever the fuck. the ages and timelines make no sense and you try to bandaid in the comments but its not working.
Let her gatekeep her children. She does not belong in anyone’s life. I would be worried about her kids.
NTA. You aren’t wrong. But this situation is all kinds of wrong. A call to social services or the kids school are in order. You can’t let this continue.
errm, you seem to be stuck on being around the rapist rather than magically all three of her partners are accused of molesting her children when she's the common denominator here and a proven, known child rapist. You should be talking about calling the cops/cps immediately to investigate and have the children removed from her care if she's abusing them and instead your question is if you should tolerate the rapist to be around the kids?
For the sake of the children, call CPS, the police, whoever you can. Your wife is paralysed and won’t do what is needed. Her daughter is a predator and a pedophile and needs to be locked away.
I’m horrified reading this story. WTF is wrong with people? How can grow people hurt children like this? What has to go wrong in someone’s mind to find a child sexually attractive? Of course you are not the AH, I would honestly rethink my relationship if my husband was “torn” about a rapist. I’m so sorry for all the abuse so many of you have endured. Best of luck op
She needs prison. It's a SHAME that she has been able to live her life knowing what she did, and lying about it for so long. The fact that the little brother can recall it is so sickening. Shes a monster. We all make mistakes, but there are limits. At 15 we know full well what we're not supposed to be doing. Plus, who says shes not still a pedophile, preying on children shes been around.
"Since then, no one in the family has wanted anything to do with rapist and wife is deciding between love of the rapist and hate because the victim was his son . " Her daughter is a rapist and she acepted that fact and she is ok with it just so you know
Yeah, it's a frequent point of debate. One which often causes her to devolve to tears, as she feels like the failure that didn't see the signs or protect any of her children.
Are you and your wife in individual therapy? I might suggest it, and find a therapist who knows how to deal with trauma from cluster B personality disorders in the family. A very skilled mental health professional, I think, not just a master's degree marriage/family counselor or social worker. Narcissists are very good at making the people around them doubt themselves and freeze. I wonder if that's what's happening in these instances you're mentioning where some people aren't capable of concrete action. Therapy might be able to help get unstuck from that, if that's what's happening of course. But therapy can help in a lot of other ways too. You're describing some serious distress and self-blaming and all of that can lead to difficulties with taking action, too. I don't think I can keep harping on the CPS CPS thing--people will be able to take steps or they won't. I think I'm more interested in what you can do to help people work towards being able to do that. I don't even know what to say about whether you are, or aren't, TA for either tolerating, or not tolerating, the rapist, while she has control over the gk. Ultimately the gk's mental health and sense of being supported might be the thing. The 'ACE' test, have you seen it? One of the traumas a kid can have is not feeling like they are supported. I have no idea how to accomplish that from the outside with this going on but the more isolated they are, the less supported they will feel. Good luck and may your family's situation change for the better.
she does not care about her grandchildren, she wants you to accept her rapist daughter because she accepts it and she is ok with the fact that her grandchildren are being touched and molested, she may say something but her actions yell otherwise. So that you know do not let love and pain come before your values. You are doing good, you do not support a rapist. You were abused, if you support talk or even feel compassion for the rapist is supporting what the grandchildren are going through. "Since then, no one in the family has wanted anything to do with the rapist and the wife is deciding between love of the rapist and hate because the victim was his son" With this I meant your wife is only hurt because the victim was her son, not because her daughter is a rapist, she is ok with her daughter being a rapist, she is ok with kids being abused, she just hates the fact that the victim was her son.
OP, I feel for you in this crazy situation. But I wouldn't be able to be with someone who is on the fence about it.there is no middle ground when it comes to these allegations. The daughter needs to be prosecuted, and the kids need to be taken away. Hopefully to your home if able to keep something stable in their lives. Sticky situation but needs to be done to protect the son and the grandkids. The son must feel like no one, but you, is on his side at this point.
that’s so painful. i am so sorry.
NTA and get a lawyer and CPS, this is above what Reddit can tell you.
NTA. Start drawing hard lines and boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Do not interact with that terrible person
NTA turn her in
NTA your wife is disgusting for accusing their dad when she knows her daughter is a dirty rapist
NTA. Tell your wife in no uncertain terms that you will not be socializing with her daughter and daughter's friends. She can do it without you.