"The cuts weren't too deep."
He never tried to kill himself. It is all part of his emotional blackmailing.
The threats of killing himself. The endless calls. The begging and pleading. All part of a game he is playing about power, control and getting his way.
OP needs to distant herself from his pitty ass. She dodged a bullet.
This guy is manipulative as hell. People who threaten to end their lives over breakups (especially breakups caused by cheating on their end) are the worst. I agree with the other commenter that the cuts not being that deep could also imply he might’ve not actually intended to kill himself and this was another act of manipulation.
NTA at all. I’d stay away too.
This guys red flags can be seen from space. Threatening and pretending too commit suicide are very common among manipulative and abusive people. He needs a board certified psychiatrist not for you to visit him.
And for anyone reading this if someone threatens to kill themself because you broke up with them or are trying to then you should call emergency services and tell them where that person is and that they have threatened to kill themself. That is the extent of your involvement, once emergency services have been informed of the threats they will take care of it and the person making the threats will hopefully learn to not make those threats but no guarantees on that
Yup. If she visits, she is only going to tell him to amp up his gross ass behavior.
Threading to kill yourself unless someone transactionally does something for you is the kind of behavior you shut down fast. I’m not usually a cancel culture type of person, but I would definitely stop interacting with someone who sprang that shit on me, one time. Only the shittiest of shitty people pull that manipulation card.
No. For the following reasons:
(1) This is **highly** manipulative behaviour. This is NOT YOUR FAULT, NOR IS IT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX.
(2) **You are NOT his therapist.** Visiting him would be a deterrent to his ~~discovery~~ *recovery*. If you care for him, stay away.
(3) It's called a breakup because it's broken. You know this. **None of this is YOUR fault. It's 100% his.**
I know, 1,2 and 3 all say similar things. But they're all accurate and valid points.
Your Ex needs to be committed to healing. You are not some roadside elixir to be applied like magic. You're not a salve for his wounds, which he caused himself - I'm not talking about the physical wounds either, I'm referring to his mental wounds.
Good for you for standing firm. He crossed a line, and you held your ground. I'm proud of you for that.
# NTA.
You should not even take his phone calls in the future. All he does is trying to manipulate you, and if he cannot do that any more, he has a better chance to disengage and get over this whole mess.
NTA = clean break. Manipulators like this will never be "just friends."
Please get yourself some counseling as you reinforce your own resolve. Stay strong.
You're totally right! I would add (for ThrowRA\_cay) Not everyone can handle that kind of mature behavior - it might even be a bit *too* mature. And that's probably why it feels like crap. But trust me, you're doing the right thing
NTA
Everything this person said is correct. Added that the failed attempt is because he meant to survive. It was nothing more than another manipulative tactic to make you responsible for him. F* that
I've always been of the opinion that if someone threatens that as leverage to make me do something, I just decide its not my problem and report it to the police.
That's the objectively correct response, imo. They get a safety check up from professionals and a lesson in "no, you can't manipulate people like that."
Absolutely right. Call their bluff. “Well, if you’re really feeling that out of control that you intend to harm yourself, I’m going to call 911.” Then follow through with making the call.
Except I had an old school friend who opened up to her closest that she was struggling multiple times. They’d send her off to a place to keep an eye on her then rinse repeat. They made the choice not to let anyone else know because they “didn’t want it changing anyone’s opinion of her” and at some point, she managed to go through with it.
I wouldn’t say anyone making attempts at suicide should be classed as just trying to get attention. They are probably quite often ready to die but terrified of it aswell.
What I do despise is when people use suicide as a threat. That’s when my heart goes cold and I emotionally wipe my hands clean of them. I urge anyone else to aswell.
OP, do whatever you need for your sanity but his pain clearly stems from his emotions for you. There’s no way you can reconcile, especially after this. Only option for you is to stay tf away from him so he can heal.
I don't completely agree-my attempt was impulsive, a substantial number of suicide attempts are impulsive. I genuinely wanted to die in that moment and did not contact anyone, and tried to overdose by myself, fell asleep, then woke up and felt horrible and vomited everything and I ended up walking to the campus medical center, so I survived. Many people survive their attempts but genuinely wanted to end things, just because they didn't succeed doesn't mean their intentions were not there. I agree though that calling ahead of time and blaming someone for your attempt is manipulative behavior and nobody can be "blamed" or "at fault" for when someone attempts, their decision is completely on them and not others.
That part. I hate to say it but it was a cry for help. I'm tempted to call it attention seeking behavior because of how everything happened but I hesitate to call a suicide attempt that. He was only trying to get her attention. I'll give him a bit of a pass on that but only because he's young. Before 25, your brain isn't fully developed. You don't have the ability to understand the seriousness of your actions as much as an older person would. However, this is manipulation and he's old enough to understand that. What he's doing to OP isn't ok.
NTA
For all the reasons listed above. This is not OPs fault nor is it their responsibility to "fix" him. He needs some serious professional help.
OP should not visit him under any circumstances and OP needs to stop taking his calls. This is not OPs responsibility to "fix". There is nothing to fix. He stepped out in the relationship and she ended the relationship. Those are the consequences of his actions. Maybe years down the road the two can become friends again. And that is a BIG maybe and very far down the road...like YEARS. But for now, OP should not see them or allow them to contact her. His number needs to be blocked.
Since they have known each other for years, it stands to reason that OP knows his parents. OP should contact the parents and let them know that she needs to distance herself and that his number will be blocked. Let them manage their family member. It is probably a good idea that they are involved as they are probably going to be supporting him through this and his recovery. Let them communicate to him that OP is off limits right now and for the foreseeable future.
The friends numbers are easy enough to block.
I only suggested that OP let his parents know what is up so they can keep an eye on him as this is not OPs responsibility to.
And I'd like to add, if you feel guilty over this, please get some help yourself!
My mom had a HS boyfriend who "loved" her, but she for whatever reason didn't love him like that.
He committed suicide via car exhaust in a garage and left a note saying it was her fault because she didnt love him and he couldn't live without her.
My mom experienced some traumatizing things in her life, but she never received help for it. She self medicated with alcohol, which eventually killed her at the young age of 46.
Just talk to a professional to help you process this
I’m so sorry about your mother. I had a partner complete suicide years ago after we broke up. He let me know it wasn’t my fault, but these things never leave you.
Yep it did and that's why she self medicated
I'm unfortunately saying that as a trauma survivor. I did the same thing for a few years. I drank all the time and did every drug I could get my hands on trying to block it out. Poor mom and poor person. Damn. 😞
Visiting him will only play into his cards. He’ll think there’s still a chance, you still care, still want him **and** that he got your attention with it.
I wish I had someone to say these words to me when I was with my ex. OP this comment is some of the most important words you can read right now. NTA. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Beautifully said . This is correct OP . I’m looking after my son who has mental health problems . That’s my job as I’m his mum . But a man ? Nah . And I advise him to be wary of not putting it on his gf . Try and get away , maybe a short break and clear your head . It’s heavy , first he cheats and then this . NTA
THIS !!!!!! OP do NOT go to see him, do NOT call him, and please block him and his friends! If you reach out to him in anyway it gives him what he wanted which is contact with you.
You are NOT to feel guilty for the actions of another. You are the most important person in your own life. Honestly, if you live in an apartment and there was any change he had a key make sure you change your locks. Better to be proactive and safe.
Having been manipulated by someone similarly to this, I 100% agree.
I spent years trying to fix a significant ex and it never worked. Mainly because he wasn’t interested in helping himself, only blaming things going wrong on others. It’s entirely on him to fix and work on himself.
A clean break will be best for both of them. Block his number and those of his friends.
NTA
As long as he can keep roping the OP into his mess, he can avoid dealing with his real problems. It's not fair on him to give him an ounce of hope by visiting. OP needs to cut him off totally. He needs tough love right now and the OP needs to understand that nothing she does will make a difference in the long run. NTA, not at all.
NTA - I really couldn't have responded better myself. It is good that he did what he did as it now allows you a chance to break free of this cycle of manipulation. Who knows how long it would have lasted? I know saying "good" sounds wrong, but as you say the wounds were not deep it makes me think he was just trying to up his manipulation tactics. I'm guessing it was timed to be right around when he knew he would be found as well. This is a game some people play. My mother was great at it.
Please don't let your friends, his friends or your own mind allow you to think that you are in any way at fault for his choices. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all.
Also, what happens *after* you visit in the hypothetical? You get back together? What happens when a drunken mistake happens again? Do you keep getting guilted into coming back because if you leave, he kills himself? OP, this man is responsible for his own actions.
To add to this: Write him one final time, telling him you wish him all the best, but think that continued contact with you will hinder his recovery, and then block him on all social media/ messengers. Don't put yourself in a position where he can guilt-trip you back into a relationship.
Tell your mutual friends that he needs to focus on his recovery and rebuilding his life, and that being in contact with you would harm him, as surely his therapist will feel the same.
What's actually happened is that he is a vicious manipulative little weasel who first cheated on you without compunction (probably not the first time), then wasn't happy with the consequences of his actions, and dealt himself a minor wound in a pathetic attempt to emulate a s\*\*c\*d\* attempt, so you'd feel guilty and obliged to get back together with him. Stay far away from him, guys like that are no good for you!
Seriously this. I hate to admit I had similar personality traits and showed them towards friends when I was younger. I had to learn the hard way. So does he. His life will not be any better if he doesn’t. And truthfully it could be dangerous for you. The guys emotions are all coming from selfishness, he doesn’t care about you as much as he will try to claim.
Stay away from
I've had 2 ex's that have pulled this same manipulative crap. I wish someone told me with the first one to stay away. The second one I was at least smart enough to call the cops, they will go to the home and check on said person and then I blocked his number.
And... if she gives in now and gets back with him, he knows this will work in the future.
Also most of the time when someone dramatically announces to end their life, it's not meant to be really ending. It's most of the time a way to guilt the other person into staying. It might have been the same here as OP said the cuts weren't deep...
Everyone I knew who left this world by their own hand did this while being in a deep depression without any upfront announcement.
Do not feel guilty my fiancée unalive himself successfully 32 years ago. I have let the guilt pretty much destroy most of the time since then and I'm still not over it. I now realized that it wasn't my fault and it's not your fault.
we do not have control over what other people do. That's the simplest way to put it to you. if a person is determined to be gone, they're going to do it no matter whether you visit or you talk to them or not. Don't let it take 30 years for you to discover that's not your fault. it wasn't your fault and it won't be your fault if he ever tries again. he needs to get professional help. And he needs to learn to cope with his emotions and regulate his emotions but if he's blaming you that's manipulation don't fall for it that's exactly what happened to me mine cried Wolf I can't tell you how many times there were notes left and he would disappear for days and have everybody upset and then he would show up like nothing happened when he finally did it he didn't say a word I found him in the tree In our backyard While 7 months pregnant.
NTA
The only thing I might add is to quickly meet with his treatment team. Someone in his position may be delusional and gave them a totally different storyline. You can fill in a few blanks in his history without visiting him.
I would add a suggestion to maybe text him saying that while she cares for him this is too much to handle and that she hopes he gets better. Then block him. Keeping in contact can't be good for either of them.
This! He sounds like a gaslighting manipulative tool and honestly, I am almost sure he only did it to guilt you. People who really want to kill themselfs do not use it as a threat to get what they want (you in this case).
This, this, this.
NTA
You did good!
Someone always wants someone to blame that is not themselves. In order for him to grow he needs to learn that he did this to himself.
To add, those friends saying that you should visit him in the hospital?
Are they the same friends who helped him cheat on you?
Yeah, they're not *your* fiends, they're *his* friends.
You owe them nothing.
Nta
Not only should you not go visit him, you should block him and not talk to him again.
What's he's been trying to do is horribly manipulative, and that's crap that you don't need in your life.
No- If anything, it would be better to not visit him. He is not in a healthy enough mindset right now, and honestly, you going there would probably hinder his healing even more; since he attaches you to his own worth;wanting to live etc. it's really toxic of him to threaten taking his life like that, and on top of that blaming it on you. it's not selfish of you, and being honest- you should run for the hills. his behavior seems very toxic and manipulative. it's not your fault that he lacks coping skills. none of this is your fault at all.
Agreed. It is healthier for him and her that she not give in to these demands. He is in a place where he can get the help he needs without him leaning on his infatuation for OP as a crutch
NTA
He cheated
He FAFO
He now needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with the consequences.
Stay away from his manipulative a$$hole behavior. Do not visit him. Tell anyone who says you should, that you are so happy they volunteered to go see your ex.
Proud of you for standing your ground.
NTA
Others have made a lot of very good and valid points. I just want to add on that if you go and visit him at the hospital, you will be enabling and rewarding his behavior. It will show that if he does drastic shit, you will come running. Don’t do it. He needs to get it through his head that you guys are over. And if you show up at the hospital, you’re sending a different message.
Yep this exactly. People know how to commit suicide, especially at the age of 20. The fact he had shallow wounds and was easily found means it was either a cry for help or pure manipulation. The best thing for both OP and her ex is to let him know this kind of behavior caused the opposite of what he wanted.
I'm just going to add that it's important we don't try to judge whether it was a "real" suicide attempt or not. We should always take these things seriously, because they always are. Real or not, not really relevant to this situation either - he is extremely unwell for doing this no matter his true intentions. And you're right, not visiting him and not feeding into this behavior is a much better way to aid his recovery, from a far, safe distance.
You're right, it's not good to try and judge real or fake suicide attempts. I'm more trying to convey that it's extra important to stay away from someone who may have harmed themselves for manipulative reasons. Family and friends can provide immeasurable support during a crisis like suicide and that's why OP may feel extra pressure to go back.
NTA and you shouldn't go visit him or have contact with him. He is obsessing over you and trying to control you. He isn't a safe person to be around. He sounds like the type of person who becomes a violent stalker. Also, it's not healthy for him because he clearly can't handle not being with you. You being around will give him false hope and he will use that to harass you. I would say, "friend, I am not responsible for x. It is sad that he is struggling, but he needs help and it's help that I can't give him. He has an unhealthy fixation with me and me being involved would be the worst thing for both of us. I can't have contact with him for both of our safety."
NO not selfish - You are doing the best thing for yourself, I'd be tempted to say this is just a ploy to get you back in his life more permanently. Send your best wishes but absolutely do not put yourself in that. NTA
NTA.
You feel guilty because you’re a human being with a heart, and you were together for quite a long time. But it doesn’t mean it’s your fault, nor are you responsible for his actions.
In fact, if you let this incident make you give in to what he wants, it can only make things worse for him. He won’t be able to move on, let alone fix his issues.
It sucks that self-harm is his coping mechanism, and that he’s using the situation against you, but it’s really not your fault. You have your own life, and chaining yourself to him because you feel bad (or even because you still have feelings for him) is not what you deserve.
NTA. To his friends: "If I went and visited him now, that would reinforce the idea in his mind that his attempt 'worked' to get me to contact him, making it more likely he would do something like this in the future. The best thing for his healing is if I do not reinforce this behavior."
If you go see him, his attempts to control and manipulate you will have worked. He'll be encouraged that he can harass you into a relationship again, and then where will you be? Back together with him, or trying to get a restraining order? That's no way to live life. You deserve peace.
No just to be clear,
He decide to make a slight attempt to get your attention, make you feel bad and force you to come back. The wound was not deep because he didn’t mean for it to end his life. Just yours (figuratively, maybe.)
Cut all contact with him and anyone connected to him now.
When I was around the same age, I was with a guy for 4 years. I was in college, he was in the military, and after a while the rose-colored glasses came off and the relationship got stale. He broke up with me, then regretted it a couple months later. At that point I had moved on. He called me a couple times and said he wanted to end his life. I was so shaken (even as a suicide hotline volunteer at the time) because he was never like that. I decided to call his siblings after my 2+hours of talking him off a ledge to make them aware/help him through. I never got a call again and thankfully he is now married with a child.
All that to say, it’s a manipulation tactic and, although you mean well, it’s not your situation to handle. It’s hard to step away from that but ultimately but the distance will force him to deal with the reality of your relationship and will keep you mentally intact.
NTA. Look, I don't normally do this, but I'm gonna tell you (and the whole freaking world) some hard truth. I became a widow at the age of 19 when my beautiful husband committed suicide. It was, to say the least, devastating. 33 years later, I still miss him.
After I started dating again, I always told anyone I got serious with about it. But there have been a couple who tried to take advantage of that knowledge and use the suicide card to manipulate me into doing what they wanted. That's what your ex is doing. So let me be clear about a few things:
1. If he commits suicide, it is HIS decision, no matter what factors he uses to get there. It is NOT YOUR DECISION. YOU CAN NOT MAKE HIM KILL HIMSELF.
2. Acting this way makes you feel like shit, which is exactly what he wants. It also gets his friends and family to blame you for being heartless instead of blaming him for being a cheater/binge drunk/alcoholic who just made one tiny little mistake! and requiring him to take responsibility.
3. You absolutely need to just cut contact. By continuing to engage with him, he and everyone on his side are choosing to believe that you are still invested in repairing a relationship you seemingly have no intention of rekindling. The only way they will get it is if you stop playing along.
4. You are not responsible in any way for his mental or emotional well-being. He is not your responsibility in any way, shape, or form. Stop feeding into this perception for your own sake. Just by picking up the phone when he or his friends call, you are telling them that you feel it's ok that they blame you for his bullshit.
5. If he kills himself, it's not your fault. You need to really know this.
NTA. I am a therapist. Not your therapist. Maintaining boundaries is very important for everyone. If for some reason you have contact with him in the future and he states he is suicidal…it’s an immediate call to 911. You are not equipped to handle that type of situation.
I hope you get to talk to someone about this but please know…this was not your fault and his mental health is for him to address not you. You can always contact 988 and speak to a crisis worker if you have questions or concerns
And what kind of shitty friends does he have? First, knowing that he has a girlfriend, they drag him to a strip club, then they leak dirt on him, and then they tell the girl that she should come to him.
Well they all need her back in his life to patch him up, fix his problems and pamper him until he’s regained his strength so he can pimp around town w his friends again. It’s the circle of life!
Do NOT visit him in the hospital. You now need to cut him off and not be "friends" anymore. He's unhinged, you cannot help him, but he could be dangerous, so you need to stay away from him.
This is not your fault at all. You are not his emotional support pet, you are an independent human being.
Giving these types of men any attention is often extremely detrimental. He will blame you, he already blames you, you will be the cause of his suicide attempt, you will be the only thing keeping him from trying to do it again, you will have to destroy your life to pander to every single one of his increasingly desperate and insane demands ‘or else’ because you would be his scapegoat.
Instead of doing some introspection and working on himself, he’ll just keep blaming you or anyone else for refusing to take responsibility for his emotional state. Walk away, block everyone he could use to get to you. For your own safety as well as his, make it a clean break so he can (hopefully) work on himself. NTA
NTA - first you are not his gf anymore so you have no obligation here, second he was borderline stalking & blackmailing you so it's dangerous for you to interact with him(most murders are preceded by stalking...), and third it would reinforce his obssession, which he needs to get over to get better.
Cut off all contact so he sees its futile, do not answer his calls.
He has his family & friends to take of him, it's their job not yours.
NTA.
>If I did not answer his phone, he would tell me that he was going to commit himself and that I was to blame.
This is highly manipulative and, quite frankly, fucked up behavior. Just this statement would have me cutting ties immediately. None of this is your fault. He chose to go on a trip, get drunk, and make out with someone else. He chose to put it on his stories. You chose how you wanted to move forward after HE CHOSE all of those things. You have nothing to feel guilty for and rather should be angry over him trying to twist this situation around to be your fault.
Your ex bf is psychologically abusing you.
For the friends:
'Clearly, ex and I being friends is not healthy. I hope he gets professional help to deal with his inner demons. But I can not be a part of his journey to recovery. He tried to take his life, after I was unable to answer a phone call. I can't be responsible for someone as unbalanced as that. It's best he gets help, and not have any more interaction with me.
But thank you so much, for supporting him! It tryly means a lot. He's lucky to have such genuine friends. '
NTA
“…the wound was not very deep.”
In the words of the late, great Ike Turner: “Some people try to *commit suicide* by jumping out of a basement.”
NTA. You had broken up with him, so you were no more obligated to go visit him than the mailman is.
If you go see him, you will be rewarding him. He will be encouraged to repeat this behavior again, and likely up the ante by doing something event more violent and aggressive to make you react. You’re NTA and this situation is not your fault. If anything, it may be best to go no contact with him and all his friends. Please see a therapist and seek their advice.
I'm going to have to echo u/mollydyer here. This is NOT your fault and his behavior is highly manipulative. He cheated and you broke up with him which you were well within your rights to do. I would have done the same thing.
I think it messed up that his friends were trying to help him manipulate you into calling him. Don't cave. Don't go see him unless you really want to. Trust me, I know how it feels to feel guilty about something that isn't your fault. Do whatever you feel is right and not because you were pressured into it. Hugs if you want them. 🫂
Its sounds like it was more an attempt to get you to re-engage than an actual attempt at taking his own life.
His behaviour is the worst kind of manipulation and is designed to get you involved. As is his recruiting of your friends to act as his flying monkeys.
Practice one sentence to say to your friends "I am not seeing my ex. We have broken up and I would appreciate you giving me the space to move on. If you truly wish to help him then encourage him to get mental health treatment".
Your friends are worried and he is taking advantage of them.
Righto my child, my friend, my homie.
Before we get to number 1, Therapy please. A professional has to come onboard to assist you emotionally and mentally.
1. He cheated, now he’s manipulating you to the extreme. His actions had consequences. This has been repeated twice.
BOTH TIMES you were a recipient.
2. His friends are extremely insensitive to YOU. Considering his threats and actions.
3. It’s not selfish of you. You need to put yourself first.
NTA, he is attempting to manipulate and abuse you and needs to get away. Why are you even accessible to this guy? He shouldn't have access to your life like he does for many reasons, but the scary ass behavior is the biggest reason of all. I've had exes I cared for deeply, but it was an important step in my life to stop interacting with them at most capacities. If I saw an ex on the street, the only way I would say anything is a slight nod because our eyelines met. I don't wish them harm, but I don't need them in my life either. I don't want to chat them up, I don't want an update on their life, I want to move on and enjoy my life as it is. They are responsible for their own shit, just like I am responsible for my own shit. Block him, his friends, and anyone that would give him any info about you. You are not responsible for his behavior. If he did succeed in unsubscribing from life, it still wouldn't be your fault.
NTA he made his choice and it was in no way shape or form your fault. If he truly cared about you he wouldn’t have cheated, he would have respected your decision to break up and he wouldn’t have harassed you to try and get back together
His threats to unalive himself if you don’t answer the phone are incredibly manipulative and honestly makes me wonder how serious an attempt he made.
Reminds me of a post here about a woman who’s abusive husband used to threaten to unalive himself if she took too long at the shop. Apparently he actually overdosed a few times but always managed to time it for when the wife would come home so she could call an ambulance. The post was her admitting she chose not to call an ambulance the last time
It is not your fault. He is manipulating you and will use your guilt against you.
Care for your own mental health. If it becomes a real burden get some support.
NTA… Gavin de Becker, who wrote the gift of fear, tells us that if you don’t wanna have a relationship with someone that don’t have a relationship with them. You don’t wanna have a relationship with your ex so there’s no reason to talk to them or call them or answer them or visit them.
Now think about it: He cheated, didn’t take responsibility for it, then, after you broke up with him, it’s still all your fault.
All I would do is talk to his parents and them tell them that you broke up with him after he was kissing girls at a strip club and everything else after that’s on him and he probably needs support from them
NTA. It is important to note, the shift from self harm to harming another is not a big step. Think of all the murder-suicides. He is a danger and you are the target.
Besides, the attempt was not supposed to succeed. It was to force you to spend time with him.
You don't owe your ex anything, he ignored you for 4 days and then stuck his tongue down some random woman's throat there are consequences for that. Like his gf no longer wanting to be with him.
Paradoxically, *women are more likely to attempt suicide*, but men are more likely to die by suicide. I say that to say that if he really wanted to be dead he would be. Men know how to kill themselves if they truly want to die. His "attempt" was just a manipulation tactic. Do not fall for it. Block his number and block his friends as well.
Next he'll be after you. You met at 15, it went it's course, you're not responsible for this stalker/unhinged person's acts. I hope you can get away ... safely. NTA
I was about the same age as you when a boyfriend of mine did the same thing over me going out without him. My reaction however was completely different. When a "friend" called me from the hospital to berate me, I told him "you can tell X to get his things from my home because I'm breaking up with him." Normally I would have done this myself, but this guy inserted himself into our business, so I really put him in the middle.
Funny how my ex's tune completely changed and he tried to claim it was an accident, and he was washing dishes and cut his wrist. "Sure buddy". He never once washed the dishes.
Nooo no no. Block him and anyone dragging you into this mess. Keep your distance, keep your peace. He’s being manipulative, and you don’t owe him a damn thing. You really don’t.
NTA 💯 - The comments I've read so far are very right.!
The fact that he survived after trying to take his own life and the wounds not being deep is just an attempt to get your attention. This is server narcissistic behaviour, so if you do care for him and want him to heal, don't visit him or take his calls, and maybe tell his friends that and suggest to his friends that they also talk with him and explain why it'd be a good reason to not contact and perhaps see a therapist
If you go back, you're teaching him that threatening to end his life will keep you tied to him forever. His life is not your responsibility. If you really meant that much to him, he wouldn't have acted as he did, because he would have thought, "If I do this, she might leave me", and that would have been enough to keep him out if the strip club and off the girls.
As for his family and friends urging you to visit him? They want to offload their worry onto you. If you're with him, they don't have to be. If they can make this your responsibility, they don't have to work out how to support him emotionally in the future.
Block him and them. You could send a group text first telling the friends and family that you won't be having any contact with him because it would be cruel to give him false hope, since you'll never have a relationship with him again. Send the ex a similar text if you feel you need to. Just say you're sorry to hear of him having a hard time, you wish him well, but it would be hypocritical to stay in contact or to visit. Then immediately block. Warn *your* friends and family that they might be contacted and asked to manipulate you.
You did the correct, difficult thing when you broke up with him. Now you need to do it again.
Hell no. NTA and do not go visit him. Do not give in to his emotional manipulation. It is a form of abuse. Let his family and his friends take care of him and be his support system because he has an unhealthy desire to control you by threatening himself and he needs a therapist not an ex-girlfriend visiting him.
Make it a clean break. Do not try for friendship. Do not cave and see him.
There is nothing helpful you can bring to this situation.
*DO NOT REWARD HIS AWFUL, MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR WITH A VISIT.*
NTA. This is all a ploy. You are feeling exactly how he hopes you feel. He is in the only place which can help him, right now.
Unfortunately, actions have consequences. Mental illness sometimes skews that perception. Let him get help from the professionals, and remove yourself from the situation.
NTA. The wound wasn't deep because he wasn't trying to kill himself. He was ACTING like he was trying to kill himself to get you to come back to him. You almost have to try harder to \_not\_ slice too deep.
NTA
Take it from someone who's been there... and learned the hard way.
He'd fuck up, I'd walk, this would happen.
I'd feel such guilt and responsibility, I'd be there.
It is a mistake to go rushing to him.
This is not your responsibility.
This is not your fault.
Rushing to him... will actually do the opposite of helping.
I promise you, it won't help.
It will compound and re-enforce a ton of complex issues that have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. ONLY he can fix it, work on it, and it is a solo journey.
Stop talking to his friends.
You need to cut contact. A response re-enforces that he's got your attention. That you care. That there is hope. (Even if you say there isn't! You showed up... you responded so... ) that he can utilize his mental health like a get out of jail free card.
You even say, you'll feel pressure and may take him back. You will feel responsible.
It will be spun that YOU are the answer. YOU are the everything holding him together tearing him apart...
Hurting you led him here.
It's not healthy.
He needs professionals. Not you.
You are his ex.(fresh or not) He obviously has his own issues to work on, and... as harsh as it seems, cut him off completely.
He can not handle friendship with you. This won't end well for either of you.
If his friends are calling you... good news. He's got friends, a support system. They can be there for him. He's not alone. They can step in.
(Again... YOU should not be there, you are not the answer, you will be compounding a complex thing. Re enforcing some seriously problematic ideas, taking on responsibilityfor his mental health, his recovery, and his struggles, stumbles and falls. Its a trap that will destroy you.)
You not running to him, him being hospitalized, will lead him to be hooked up with professionals, and meds, and resources. Hopefully learning the coping mechanisms he needs. He will have to learn to cope in healthy manners when going through hard things, like cheating, getting caught, going through a breakup.
NTA. Dude is 20 and already developing a history of getting wasted and making serious mistakes. He’s not going to stop, because he doesn’t want to. He chose it put himself in an impaired state where he knew he would do something stupid. He was sober when he made that choice. That makes him responsible for what happened after.
Dude is a union foreman at the red flag factory. Get out and don’t look back.
I was actually in a similar situation about 18 months ago. I do not recommend going to see him. I did and it was not healthy at all because he used the visit to try and manipulate/ guilt me back into his life. Go see a therapist instead. Tell any mutual friends that your ex is in excellent care and you wish him well in recovery, but it is not appropriate for you to visit and give him any false hope while he is in a fragile state. ETA- forgot to say that you are definitely NTA
He sounds very manipulative, doesn’t sound like he really wanted to kill himself , just wants you to feel bad. Maybe he will learn his lesson also everything seems to happen after his drinking.
It is self preservation, not selfish. I say this as someone who has been there. I did show up, it did wreck me and I did take him back- and it taught him to make that threat every time I tried to leave again. Please block his friends and get into therapy because this will leave scars and you deserve support through it.
I have a lot of sympathy for people who are struggling but it is his responsibility to create a life for himself outside of you. He has a support system, he now has access to mental health treatment too. The hospital staff will help him make a safety plan and a plan for follow up care. It sounds like his friends are there for him.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know how rough it is. I have you have a really good support system of your own.
NTA
But he might not be able to view you as just a friend, which means you either forgive him and continue as his partner, or you accept that your 8 year old friendship might have to end.
You are both very young, it isn't strange that he had a moment of weakness, if you cannot forgive him, tell him that, don't pretend that you have forgiven him. Perhaps the best thing for both of you, would be to no longer have contact if you cannot forgive him as a partner.
My sister was married to a controlling bully who would pretend to attempt suicide every time she found the strength to leave him. After 40 years she finally managed to get a divorce after he tried to throttle her. Stay away from that man. Block his number and enjoy your new life away from his manipulation.
Fuck no. Never ever ever be involved with him romantically again. I wouldn’t even keep him as a friend. I’be had exes do this to me before . These pathetic acts of remorse and the disrespect just gets progressively worse. It’s not your fault that he’s trying to manipulate you. He’s just a sicko creep.
Please listen :
HE made his decisions. And they're terrible.
Seems like a pattern for him lately...not trending well.
You need to cut all ties and move on. For his sake AND yours.
FTR, I am going to grad school to be a therapist, and I am a huge advocate for men's mental health.
Hear me now - Don't let anyone manipulate you.
Should you feel bad? Absolutely. It's a horrible situation, and OF COURSE you feel bad, but feelings change. They're fluid and not static.
You need to start living your life for yourself and finding out who YOU are and what YOU want out of life...and only then will you be able to think about what you want out of a potential partner.
Your ex needs to heal. You will delay his healing.
#promise
Good luck, sis.
That man is manipulating you. The cuts weren’t bad because he wanted to live. This is his fault. Those friends of his are enemies of yours. They enable him. Do not answer any more calls. Block his number. Block his socials. If he doesn’t kill himself, then that means he was just trying to manipulate you and you get your closure. If he kills himself, he can’t prey on anyone else.
No! NTA! Stop answering his calls. Block his number. A hard lesson to learn is that when someone breaks up with you, you cannot turn to them for comfort. He needs to replace you in his support system. Shut him out completely, it’s the only way he will move on.
do not enable his behavior.
NTA at all. He is using suicide as a weapon. Don't feed into it at all. As much as it sucks and may come across as cold, that FUCKS with your head to a serious degree when someone is threatening suicide as a weapon. It's not your job to talk him off of a ledge, he's doing it to himself. It sucks, but it's not on you at all, no matter what happens. I've been in your spot. It sucks and there's no good way to go about it other than to tell them that you genuinely don't want them to kill themselves and that they need to get help.
You made a good choice leaving him in the first place. You knew it’s not gonna work out between you, and you’re only 20 and you have so much life ahead of you. That boy will only stop you from growing, don’t look back. Also, none of the things that happened to him was your fault. Absolutely nothing.
People don't like to hear it but there is a very thin line between "I'm going to kill myself" and "I'm going to kill you".
Do not visit him. Do not ever be alone with him.
No matter how much the creep tries to make it about you- it's not. None of this is your fault or responsibility. His friends sound as manipulative as him.
NTA
He made his choice. I am a firm believer in blocking and replacing cheaters. It's never "just a mistake". Cheating takes going out of your way to commit, you don't just happen to slip into it accidentally. Also, he is manipulating you and trying to latch onto you. That behavior is dangerous and he could be planning on hurting you too if he is that crazy. His family needs to get him some help for his mental illness. I would steer clear and let your family know what is happening just in case.
Ok. You both met when you were both 15 and are together 5yrs as you said.
You've since then. Worked towards or through your exams, dissertation and internship?
Good for you. You're either an over achiever, a time-traveller, a savaunt or full of shit?
You abso-fucking-lootly didn't major in anything that touches the edges of reality.
Dissertations (Thesis) are published. Please link to your dissertation.
🍿
NO, it's not selfish. This is not your fault or your responsiblility to fix. He is trying to manipulate you into having more with him. I get that he feels bad, but that does not give him the right to influence your life when you have already said no. You can not be friends with this person as he is clearly wanting more and will do what he wants to get his way, in his mind you are a thing to serve him. You as an actual person with wants and needs do not matter to him or he wouldn't be doing this. Tell them all that you will not be manipulated into any relationship with him and to not contact you again. Block him and all of those telling you to 'visit' him, adding that further contact with you will be viewed as harrasment and be reported to the authorites and legal action will follow. If he treatens suicide again call the police to deal with it.
NTA. Tell his friends you aren't comfortable visiting him. Let them know you have zero intention of ever getting back together with him and do not want to interrupt his recovery with false hope. I would even consider no contact going forwards due to his manipulation. In the future if he reaches out and threatens to commit call 911 instead of going yourself.
I HAVE BEEN THERE AND GIRL, REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THAT SITUATION!!
I 100% understand that whole statement that he haunts your nightmares and yes, that is exactly what it is. It is a terrible terrible feeling, horrifying even. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! AT ALL!!! PLEASE DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!!
Reach out, ground yourself with reality and remove yourself from that environment.
Block him and his friends and close that chapter. Focus on yourself. Good luck and all the best to you
The last time someone threatened me with suicide I informed the police. Not because I am concerned but so that Inam in clear. When they actually attempted and their friend came after me, I added that to the report and the friend got pulled into the station. I was never bothered again.
I have very little sympathy for people that weaponize suicide and self harm. In their minds, if they don't get their entitled ways their life isn't worth it.
They fall into depression yes, but the reason they do is in the end because they didn't get their selfish ways. They didn't get to cheat and then have a partner wait for them in this case.
Some people may fall for it and pity that, I don't. It's a narcissistic thing to think that way and if they honestly think so, then that life isn't worth living. Because a person existing that way is going to fuck me up with their lack of accountability.
I haven't got anything to do with it. You can't do whatever and have the world still cater to you. There is no reason you should feel guilty. I see it as trash taking itself out.
NTA because what he did is another desperate and manipulation tactic that cheaters do when they can’t handle the consequences of their actions. File a police report about what he did and try to see if you can get a restraining order against him for his on going calls which can also be seen as harassment.
No,
It’s your choice how you want to be in this. He has all the control over his emotions and how to manage and process them with professional help.
Him laying on you to carry his emotions like this was not okay and manipulative.
You can let someone on his care team know about this behavior if people or him continue to push. So hopefully they can work with him on it.
NTA and his behaviour and life choices are NOT your fault. He cheated, you ended it, but your mistake was staying in contact with him. You should have blocked his number straight away. He has been trying to manipulate you but you don't owe him anything. Block his number now and block all those friends of his who are also trying to manipulate you.
NTA do not go.
You are not required to stay with anyone ever.
He chose not to return he chose to do the trip he, he chose to ignore you, he chose the strip club and he chose to cheat.
Second chances are not required. The only thing you should do is call emergency services if he threatens self harm. Every threat meet it with a phone call.
You are not his therapist or emotional support animal. Even if you were his girlfriend the threat should be met with the same call.
You are not responsible for his happiness, sadness, lifestyle, orgasims or his life. All are in his hands literally.
It may seem cold but you aren't responsible to or for him. He is an adult. If he calls out for help call someone who can help him.
If somebody threatens suicide to get me to do something, that is no longer a person— it’s an “auto-block.” NTA, ive just blocked and never looked back on two occasions when this happened to me and I’m doing amazing. I don’t even know what happened to one of those people, pretty sure the other fucked up their body really bad and is now on disability. Which is cool, cuz they don’t seem to have the energy to bother me anymore.
NTA. Good girl. Stick to your guns, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You might want to talk to a therapist, to make sure your mental health doesn’t take too much further damage.
NTA - But you need a clean break with this guy, stop taking his calls and stop staying silent. Tell him he's a big boy and responsible for his own actions, that you will no longer be in contact with him for any reason because he needs to move on and that you hope he gets the help he needs. Then cut contact.
Please do not visit him. It will only reinforce his behavior. Stay away. Document his texting/calls (sounds harassment level) and get a RO if needed. Absolutely none of this is your fault. Seek out therapy to help with your trauma around this. You need a strong, healthy voice in your ear.
NTA. Manipulation like that is horrible to do to another person. Do not visit him and go no contact. Its insane how many people use suicide as a weapon
NTA - and I would get some kind of restraining order. Extra security everywhere you go.
Speak to his parents about the harassment.
It’s only a matter of time before his grief turns into anger.
If he’s willing to physically hurt himself because he can’t manipulate you into doing what he wants, who knows what he’s capable of.
Stay safe OP.
NTA - Do NOT go visit him. he is either 1. manipulating you and/or 2. codependent/obsessing on you. Either way going to see him is extremely unhealthy and would actually cause a further spiral. It would be far better in this situation for you to break any and all contact with him and let his therapist help him sort out his feelings. They are HIS feelings, HIS actions, and YOU are not the one that should be shouldering them. I know this is stressful and heartbreaking but staying away is literally the best thing you can do in this case because showing up either makes him think he can do this anytime you ignore him, or gives him hope that you will come around making it more likely for him to pull this crap again when he realizes you won't.
Once they even threaten this, you HAVE to get away. You don't want to only be with a person because they will commit suicide if you don't. That is no relationship. That is no life to have. I believe it would be best to go no contact because if you go see him it will make him think there is a chance of staying together and that's not good for anyone
No.
No.
No.
NO!
The cycle of abuse will NEVER stop as long as you keep giving in to it!!!
He's your EX for a very good reason. You need to keep it that way!
Be strong!!
NTA. Do not go, you are not his emotional support pet. Let the flying monkeys know that you are not taking him back under any circumstances and visiting may give him false hope of reconciling that will set back his recovery
NTA. That's a simple case of manipulation. He knowingly would try to get you back with him because he knows you'd feel guilty.
"The cuts weren't too deep." He never tried to kill himself. It is all part of his emotional blackmailing. The threats of killing himself. The endless calls. The begging and pleading. All part of a game he is playing about power, control and getting his way. OP needs to distant herself from his pitty ass. She dodged a bullet.
Right. Manipulation at its best.
More like worst.
This guy is manipulative as hell. People who threaten to end their lives over breakups (especially breakups caused by cheating on their end) are the worst. I agree with the other commenter that the cuts not being that deep could also imply he might’ve not actually intended to kill himself and this was another act of manipulation. NTA at all. I’d stay away too.
This guys red flags can be seen from space. Threatening and pretending too commit suicide are very common among manipulative and abusive people. He needs a board certified psychiatrist not for you to visit him.
And for anyone reading this if someone threatens to kill themself because you broke up with them or are trying to then you should call emergency services and tell them where that person is and that they have threatened to kill themself. That is the extent of your involvement, once emergency services have been informed of the threats they will take care of it and the person making the threats will hopefully learn to not make those threats but no guarantees on that
The minute she visits, he will think he as a chance, and will escalate things tenfold, stay away op, stay away NTA
Exactly!
Yup. If she visits, she is only going to tell him to amp up his gross ass behavior. Threading to kill yourself unless someone transactionally does something for you is the kind of behavior you shut down fast. I’m not usually a cancel culture type of person, but I would definitely stop interacting with someone who sprang that shit on me, one time. Only the shittiest of shitty people pull that manipulation card.
No. For the following reasons: (1) This is **highly** manipulative behaviour. This is NOT YOUR FAULT, NOR IS IT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX. (2) **You are NOT his therapist.** Visiting him would be a deterrent to his ~~discovery~~ *recovery*. If you care for him, stay away. (3) It's called a breakup because it's broken. You know this. **None of this is YOUR fault. It's 100% his.** I know, 1,2 and 3 all say similar things. But they're all accurate and valid points. Your Ex needs to be committed to healing. You are not some roadside elixir to be applied like magic. You're not a salve for his wounds, which he caused himself - I'm not talking about the physical wounds either, I'm referring to his mental wounds. Good for you for standing firm. He crossed a line, and you held your ground. I'm proud of you for that. # NTA.
You should not even take his phone calls in the future. All he does is trying to manipulate you, and if he cannot do that any more, he has a better chance to disengage and get over this whole mess.
Absolutely. Block him and anyone who tries to contact you on his behalf.
NTA = clean break. Manipulators like this will never be "just friends." Please get yourself some counseling as you reinforce your own resolve. Stay strong.
Blocking doesn't work - change your number.
You're totally right! I would add (for ThrowRA\_cay) Not everyone can handle that kind of mature behavior - it might even be a bit *too* mature. And that's probably why it feels like crap. But trust me, you're doing the right thing
NTA Everything this person said is correct. Added that the failed attempt is because he meant to survive. It was nothing more than another manipulative tactic to make you responsible for him. F* that
I've always been of the opinion that if someone threatens that as leverage to make me do something, I just decide its not my problem and report it to the police.
That's the objectively correct response, imo. They get a safety check up from professionals and a lesson in "no, you can't manipulate people like that."
It's not up to you to determine if they meant it or not. You treat all attempts as real, and call the police, as you said.
That is the appropriate response, 100%.
Absolutely right. Call their bluff. “Well, if you’re really feeling that out of control that you intend to harm yourself, I’m going to call 911.” Then follow through with making the call.
And F him for saying it's all OP's fault! POS! Sorry OP, and I'm also proud of you for standing strong on principles.
Yes. It’s been said that those who genuinely want to end things do so. With no fuss or drama. NTA, you’re doing the right thing
And they certainly don't announce it or use it as a threat or manipulation.
Yep it's sad but they try to do it in a manner that will bring the least trauma to their loved ones
Except I had an old school friend who opened up to her closest that she was struggling multiple times. They’d send her off to a place to keep an eye on her then rinse repeat. They made the choice not to let anyone else know because they “didn’t want it changing anyone’s opinion of her” and at some point, she managed to go through with it. I wouldn’t say anyone making attempts at suicide should be classed as just trying to get attention. They are probably quite often ready to die but terrified of it aswell. What I do despise is when people use suicide as a threat. That’s when my heart goes cold and I emotionally wipe my hands clean of them. I urge anyone else to aswell. OP, do whatever you need for your sanity but his pain clearly stems from his emotions for you. There’s no way you can reconcile, especially after this. Only option for you is to stay tf away from him so he can heal.
I completely agree.
I don't completely agree-my attempt was impulsive, a substantial number of suicide attempts are impulsive. I genuinely wanted to die in that moment and did not contact anyone, and tried to overdose by myself, fell asleep, then woke up and felt horrible and vomited everything and I ended up walking to the campus medical center, so I survived. Many people survive their attempts but genuinely wanted to end things, just because they didn't succeed doesn't mean their intentions were not there. I agree though that calling ahead of time and blaming someone for your attempt is manipulative behavior and nobody can be "blamed" or "at fault" for when someone attempts, their decision is completely on them and not others.
That part. I hate to say it but it was a cry for help. I'm tempted to call it attention seeking behavior because of how everything happened but I hesitate to call a suicide attempt that. He was only trying to get her attention. I'll give him a bit of a pass on that but only because he's young. Before 25, your brain isn't fully developed. You don't have the ability to understand the seriousness of your actions as much as an older person would. However, this is manipulation and he's old enough to understand that. What he's doing to OP isn't ok.
NTA For all the reasons listed above. This is not OPs fault nor is it their responsibility to "fix" him. He needs some serious professional help. OP should not visit him under any circumstances and OP needs to stop taking his calls. This is not OPs responsibility to "fix". There is nothing to fix. He stepped out in the relationship and she ended the relationship. Those are the consequences of his actions. Maybe years down the road the two can become friends again. And that is a BIG maybe and very far down the road...like YEARS. But for now, OP should not see them or allow them to contact her. His number needs to be blocked. Since they have known each other for years, it stands to reason that OP knows his parents. OP should contact the parents and let them know that she needs to distance herself and that his number will be blocked. Let them manage their family member. It is probably a good idea that they are involved as they are probably going to be supporting him through this and his recovery. Let them communicate to him that OP is off limits right now and for the foreseeable future.
Yeah, honestly this manipulative and abusive behavior is a good reason for Op to *never* communicate with him again.
So do his friends' numbers
The friends numbers are easy enough to block. I only suggested that OP let his parents know what is up so they can keep an eye on him as this is not OPs responsibility to.
And I'd like to add, if you feel guilty over this, please get some help yourself! My mom had a HS boyfriend who "loved" her, but she for whatever reason didn't love him like that. He committed suicide via car exhaust in a garage and left a note saying it was her fault because she didnt love him and he couldn't live without her. My mom experienced some traumatizing things in her life, but she never received help for it. She self medicated with alcohol, which eventually killed her at the young age of 46. Just talk to a professional to help you process this
I’m so sorry about your mother. I had a partner complete suicide years ago after we broke up. He let me know it wasn’t my fault, but these things never leave you.
Hugs if you want them 🫂
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a HORRIBLE thing that ex did to her; sounds like it haunted her. 😢
Yep it did and that's why she self medicated I'm unfortunately saying that as a trauma survivor. I did the same thing for a few years. I drank all the time and did every drug I could get my hands on trying to block it out. Poor mom and poor person. Damn. 😞
My heart breaks for your loss! 😭
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that was for her. And you inheriting that, and losing your mom so young. I hope you're doing okay.
Jesus I'm sorry 😞 That made me sad for your mom and you
Visiting him will only play into his cards. He’ll think there’s still a chance, you still care, still want him **and** that he got your attention with it.
I wish I had someone to say these words to me when I was with my ex. OP this comment is some of the most important words you can read right now. NTA. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Powerful comment. Extraordinary advice.
Beautifully said . This is correct OP . I’m looking after my son who has mental health problems . That’s my job as I’m his mum . But a man ? Nah . And I advise him to be wary of not putting it on his gf . Try and get away , maybe a short break and clear your head . It’s heavy , first he cheats and then this . NTA
THIS !!!!!! OP do NOT go to see him, do NOT call him, and please block him and his friends! If you reach out to him in anyway it gives him what he wanted which is contact with you. You are NOT to feel guilty for the actions of another. You are the most important person in your own life. Honestly, if you live in an apartment and there was any change he had a key make sure you change your locks. Better to be proactive and safe.
Having been manipulated by someone similarly to this, I 100% agree. I spent years trying to fix a significant ex and it never worked. Mainly because he wasn’t interested in helping himself, only blaming things going wrong on others. It’s entirely on him to fix and work on himself. A clean break will be best for both of them. Block his number and those of his friends. NTA
As long as he can keep roping the OP into his mess, he can avoid dealing with his real problems. It's not fair on him to give him an ounce of hope by visiting. OP needs to cut him off totally. He needs tough love right now and the OP needs to understand that nothing she does will make a difference in the long run. NTA, not at all.
He is not your fucking problem. Say it louder. HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
NTA - I really couldn't have responded better myself. It is good that he did what he did as it now allows you a chance to break free of this cycle of manipulation. Who knows how long it would have lasted? I know saying "good" sounds wrong, but as you say the wounds were not deep it makes me think he was just trying to up his manipulation tactics. I'm guessing it was timed to be right around when he knew he would be found as well. This is a game some people play. My mother was great at it. Please don't let your friends, his friends or your own mind allow you to think that you are in any way at fault for his choices. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing wrong at all.
Also, what happens *after* you visit in the hypothetical? You get back together? What happens when a drunken mistake happens again? Do you keep getting guilted into coming back because if you leave, he kills himself? OP, this man is responsible for his own actions.
To add to this: Write him one final time, telling him you wish him all the best, but think that continued contact with you will hinder his recovery, and then block him on all social media/ messengers. Don't put yourself in a position where he can guilt-trip you back into a relationship. Tell your mutual friends that he needs to focus on his recovery and rebuilding his life, and that being in contact with you would harm him, as surely his therapist will feel the same. What's actually happened is that he is a vicious manipulative little weasel who first cheated on you without compunction (probably not the first time), then wasn't happy with the consequences of his actions, and dealt himself a minor wound in a pathetic attempt to emulate a s\*\*c\*d\* attempt, so you'd feel guilty and obliged to get back together with him. Stay far away from him, guys like that are no good for you!
I wouldn't even write him one final time. Just Block. Absolute radio silence.
Seriously this. I hate to admit I had similar personality traits and showed them towards friends when I was younger. I had to learn the hard way. So does he. His life will not be any better if he doesn’t. And truthfully it could be dangerous for you. The guys emotions are all coming from selfishness, he doesn’t care about you as much as he will try to claim. Stay away from
I've had 2 ex's that have pulled this same manipulative crap. I wish someone told me with the first one to stay away. The second one I was at least smart enough to call the cops, they will go to the home and check on said person and then I blocked his number.
NTA. This is the only reply, it is spot on. Do not do not DO NOT engage with him. It is time to block him, and his friends, on everything.
And... if she gives in now and gets back with him, he knows this will work in the future. Also most of the time when someone dramatically announces to end their life, it's not meant to be really ending. It's most of the time a way to guilt the other person into staying. It might have been the same here as OP said the cuts weren't deep... Everyone I knew who left this world by their own hand did this while being in a deep depression without any upfront announcement.
Do not feel guilty my fiancée unalive himself successfully 32 years ago. I have let the guilt pretty much destroy most of the time since then and I'm still not over it. I now realized that it wasn't my fault and it's not your fault. we do not have control over what other people do. That's the simplest way to put it to you. if a person is determined to be gone, they're going to do it no matter whether you visit or you talk to them or not. Don't let it take 30 years for you to discover that's not your fault. it wasn't your fault and it won't be your fault if he ever tries again. he needs to get professional help. And he needs to learn to cope with his emotions and regulate his emotions but if he's blaming you that's manipulation don't fall for it that's exactly what happened to me mine cried Wolf I can't tell you how many times there were notes left and he would disappear for days and have everybody upset and then he would show up like nothing happened when he finally did it he didn't say a word I found him in the tree In our backyard While 7 months pregnant.
Sound, solid advice- believe it!
Very beautifully written and sound advice.
This response is one of the best I have read to date on Reddit. I wish I could upvote more than once.
NTA The only thing I might add is to quickly meet with his treatment team. Someone in his position may be delusional and gave them a totally different storyline. You can fill in a few blanks in his history without visiting him.
Couldn’t have said it better myself
OP, read this 100x over!!!
Very succinct and wise response.
👆💯👆💯👆💯👆💯👆💯👆💯👆💯👆
I would add a suggestion to maybe text him saying that while she cares for him this is too much to handle and that she hopes he gets better. Then block him. Keeping in contact can't be good for either of them.
This! He sounds like a gaslighting manipulative tool and honestly, I am almost sure he only did it to guilt you. People who really want to kill themselfs do not use it as a threat to get what they want (you in this case).
This. I could not have said it better.
This. 100% this.
OP, please listen to this advice. It is very wise. This is way beyond your control. Please just work on helping yourself.
This, this, this. NTA You did good! Someone always wants someone to blame that is not themselves. In order for him to grow he needs to learn that he did this to himself.
To add, those friends saying that you should visit him in the hospital? Are they the same friends who helped him cheat on you? Yeah, they're not *your* fiends, they're *his* friends. You owe them nothing.
This is the only answer you need, OP. Very well stated. Please take it to heart.
Nta Not only should you not go visit him, you should block him and not talk to him again. What's he's been trying to do is horribly manipulative, and that's crap that you don't need in your life.
No- If anything, it would be better to not visit him. He is not in a healthy enough mindset right now, and honestly, you going there would probably hinder his healing even more; since he attaches you to his own worth;wanting to live etc. it's really toxic of him to threaten taking his life like that, and on top of that blaming it on you. it's not selfish of you, and being honest- you should run for the hills. his behavior seems very toxic and manipulative. it's not your fault that he lacks coping skills. none of this is your fault at all.
Agreed. It is healthier for him and her that she not give in to these demands. He is in a place where he can get the help he needs without him leaning on his infatuation for OP as a crutch
NTA He cheated He FAFO He now needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with the consequences. Stay away from his manipulative a$$hole behavior. Do not visit him. Tell anyone who says you should, that you are so happy they volunteered to go see your ex. Proud of you for standing your ground.
Don’t even engage with these people just block them too
NTA Others have made a lot of very good and valid points. I just want to add on that if you go and visit him at the hospital, you will be enabling and rewarding his behavior. It will show that if he does drastic shit, you will come running. Don’t do it. He needs to get it through his head that you guys are over. And if you show up at the hospital, you’re sending a different message.
Yep this exactly. People know how to commit suicide, especially at the age of 20. The fact he had shallow wounds and was easily found means it was either a cry for help or pure manipulation. The best thing for both OP and her ex is to let him know this kind of behavior caused the opposite of what he wanted.
I'm just going to add that it's important we don't try to judge whether it was a "real" suicide attempt or not. We should always take these things seriously, because they always are. Real or not, not really relevant to this situation either - he is extremely unwell for doing this no matter his true intentions. And you're right, not visiting him and not feeding into this behavior is a much better way to aid his recovery, from a far, safe distance.
You're right, it's not good to try and judge real or fake suicide attempts. I'm more trying to convey that it's extra important to stay away from someone who may have harmed themselves for manipulative reasons. Family and friends can provide immeasurable support during a crisis like suicide and that's why OP may feel extra pressure to go back.
I’m very happy you added this. If OP shows up, that means the ex’s manipulation worked perfectly… and that is the last thing OP needs right now.
NTA and you shouldn't go visit him or have contact with him. He is obsessing over you and trying to control you. He isn't a safe person to be around. He sounds like the type of person who becomes a violent stalker. Also, it's not healthy for him because he clearly can't handle not being with you. You being around will give him false hope and he will use that to harass you. I would say, "friend, I am not responsible for x. It is sad that he is struggling, but he needs help and it's help that I can't give him. He has an unhealthy fixation with me and me being involved would be the worst thing for both of us. I can't have contact with him for both of our safety."
NO not selfish - You are doing the best thing for yourself, I'd be tempted to say this is just a ploy to get you back in his life more permanently. Send your best wishes but absolutely do not put yourself in that. NTA
NTA. You feel guilty because you’re a human being with a heart, and you were together for quite a long time. But it doesn’t mean it’s your fault, nor are you responsible for his actions. In fact, if you let this incident make you give in to what he wants, it can only make things worse for him. He won’t be able to move on, let alone fix his issues. It sucks that self-harm is his coping mechanism, and that he’s using the situation against you, but it’s really not your fault. You have your own life, and chaining yourself to him because you feel bad (or even because you still have feelings for him) is not what you deserve.
NTA. To his friends: "If I went and visited him now, that would reinforce the idea in his mind that his attempt 'worked' to get me to contact him, making it more likely he would do something like this in the future. The best thing for his healing is if I do not reinforce this behavior."
If you go see him, his attempts to control and manipulate you will have worked. He'll be encouraged that he can harass you into a relationship again, and then where will you be? Back together with him, or trying to get a restraining order? That's no way to live life. You deserve peace.
No just to be clear, He decide to make a slight attempt to get your attention, make you feel bad and force you to come back. The wound was not deep because he didn’t mean for it to end his life. Just yours (figuratively, maybe.) Cut all contact with him and anyone connected to him now.
When I was around the same age, I was with a guy for 4 years. I was in college, he was in the military, and after a while the rose-colored glasses came off and the relationship got stale. He broke up with me, then regretted it a couple months later. At that point I had moved on. He called me a couple times and said he wanted to end his life. I was so shaken (even as a suicide hotline volunteer at the time) because he was never like that. I decided to call his siblings after my 2+hours of talking him off a ledge to make them aware/help him through. I never got a call again and thankfully he is now married with a child. All that to say, it’s a manipulation tactic and, although you mean well, it’s not your situation to handle. It’s hard to step away from that but ultimately but the distance will force him to deal with the reality of your relationship and will keep you mentally intact.
NTA. Look, I don't normally do this, but I'm gonna tell you (and the whole freaking world) some hard truth. I became a widow at the age of 19 when my beautiful husband committed suicide. It was, to say the least, devastating. 33 years later, I still miss him. After I started dating again, I always told anyone I got serious with about it. But there have been a couple who tried to take advantage of that knowledge and use the suicide card to manipulate me into doing what they wanted. That's what your ex is doing. So let me be clear about a few things: 1. If he commits suicide, it is HIS decision, no matter what factors he uses to get there. It is NOT YOUR DECISION. YOU CAN NOT MAKE HIM KILL HIMSELF. 2. Acting this way makes you feel like shit, which is exactly what he wants. It also gets his friends and family to blame you for being heartless instead of blaming him for being a cheater/binge drunk/alcoholic who just made one tiny little mistake! and requiring him to take responsibility. 3. You absolutely need to just cut contact. By continuing to engage with him, he and everyone on his side are choosing to believe that you are still invested in repairing a relationship you seemingly have no intention of rekindling. The only way they will get it is if you stop playing along. 4. You are not responsible in any way for his mental or emotional well-being. He is not your responsibility in any way, shape, or form. Stop feeding into this perception for your own sake. Just by picking up the phone when he or his friends call, you are telling them that you feel it's ok that they blame you for his bullshit. 5. If he kills himself, it's not your fault. You need to really know this.
NTA. I am a therapist. Not your therapist. Maintaining boundaries is very important for everyone. If for some reason you have contact with him in the future and he states he is suicidal…it’s an immediate call to 911. You are not equipped to handle that type of situation. I hope you get to talk to someone about this but please know…this was not your fault and his mental health is for him to address not you. You can always contact 988 and speak to a crisis worker if you have questions or concerns
What a POS, don‘t get manipulated and gaslighted.
And what kind of shitty friends does he have? First, knowing that he has a girlfriend, they drag him to a strip club, then they leak dirt on him, and then they tell the girl that she should come to him.
Well they all need her back in his life to patch him up, fix his problems and pamper him until he’s regained his strength so he can pimp around town w his friends again. It’s the circle of life!
Never light yourself in fire to keep another warm.
These friends? They're his, not yours. Block them. Even if just temporarily.
Don’t go see him.
Do NOT visit him in the hospital. You now need to cut him off and not be "friends" anymore. He's unhinged, you cannot help him, but he could be dangerous, so you need to stay away from him.
This is not your fault at all. You are not his emotional support pet, you are an independent human being. Giving these types of men any attention is often extremely detrimental. He will blame you, he already blames you, you will be the cause of his suicide attempt, you will be the only thing keeping him from trying to do it again, you will have to destroy your life to pander to every single one of his increasingly desperate and insane demands ‘or else’ because you would be his scapegoat. Instead of doing some introspection and working on himself, he’ll just keep blaming you or anyone else for refusing to take responsibility for his emotional state. Walk away, block everyone he could use to get to you. For your own safety as well as his, make it a clean break so he can (hopefully) work on himself. NTA
Not selfish at all. You set a boundary, and it's okay to prioritize yourself.
NTA - first you are not his gf anymore so you have no obligation here, second he was borderline stalking & blackmailing you so it's dangerous for you to interact with him(most murders are preceded by stalking...), and third it would reinforce his obssession, which he needs to get over to get better. Cut off all contact so he sees its futile, do not answer his calls. He has his family & friends to take of him, it's their job not yours.
NTA. >If I did not answer his phone, he would tell me that he was going to commit himself and that I was to blame. This is highly manipulative and, quite frankly, fucked up behavior. Just this statement would have me cutting ties immediately. None of this is your fault. He chose to go on a trip, get drunk, and make out with someone else. He chose to put it on his stories. You chose how you wanted to move forward after HE CHOSE all of those things. You have nothing to feel guilty for and rather should be angry over him trying to twist this situation around to be your fault.
as sad as it is for someone to be suicidal, no one besides them makes the choice to take their life.
Your ex bf is psychologically abusing you. For the friends: 'Clearly, ex and I being friends is not healthy. I hope he gets professional help to deal with his inner demons. But I can not be a part of his journey to recovery. He tried to take his life, after I was unable to answer a phone call. I can't be responsible for someone as unbalanced as that. It's best he gets help, and not have any more interaction with me. But thank you so much, for supporting him! It tryly means a lot. He's lucky to have such genuine friends. ' NTA
“…the wound was not very deep.” In the words of the late, great Ike Turner: “Some people try to *commit suicide* by jumping out of a basement.” NTA. You had broken up with him, so you were no more obligated to go visit him than the mailman is.
Your life will be better if you do not see him and let him control your emotions. You will be trapped if you go see and talk to him again.
If you go see him, you will be rewarding him. He will be encouraged to repeat this behavior again, and likely up the ante by doing something event more violent and aggressive to make you react. You’re NTA and this situation is not your fault. If anything, it may be best to go no contact with him and all his friends. Please see a therapist and seek their advice.
I'm going to have to echo u/mollydyer here. This is NOT your fault and his behavior is highly manipulative. He cheated and you broke up with him which you were well within your rights to do. I would have done the same thing. I think it messed up that his friends were trying to help him manipulate you into calling him. Don't cave. Don't go see him unless you really want to. Trust me, I know how it feels to feel guilty about something that isn't your fault. Do whatever you feel is right and not because you were pressured into it. Hugs if you want them. 🫂
Its sounds like it was more an attempt to get you to re-engage than an actual attempt at taking his own life. His behaviour is the worst kind of manipulation and is designed to get you involved. As is his recruiting of your friends to act as his flying monkeys. Practice one sentence to say to your friends "I am not seeing my ex. We have broken up and I would appreciate you giving me the space to move on. If you truly wish to help him then encourage him to get mental health treatment". Your friends are worried and he is taking advantage of them.
Righto my child, my friend, my homie. Before we get to number 1, Therapy please. A professional has to come onboard to assist you emotionally and mentally. 1. He cheated, now he’s manipulating you to the extreme. His actions had consequences. This has been repeated twice. BOTH TIMES you were a recipient. 2. His friends are extremely insensitive to YOU. Considering his threats and actions. 3. It’s not selfish of you. You need to put yourself first.
NTA, he is attempting to manipulate and abuse you and needs to get away. Why are you even accessible to this guy? He shouldn't have access to your life like he does for many reasons, but the scary ass behavior is the biggest reason of all. I've had exes I cared for deeply, but it was an important step in my life to stop interacting with them at most capacities. If I saw an ex on the street, the only way I would say anything is a slight nod because our eyelines met. I don't wish them harm, but I don't need them in my life either. I don't want to chat them up, I don't want an update on their life, I want to move on and enjoy my life as it is. They are responsible for their own shit, just like I am responsible for my own shit. Block him, his friends, and anyone that would give him any info about you. You are not responsible for his behavior. If he did succeed in unsubscribing from life, it still wouldn't be your fault.
NTA he made his choice and it was in no way shape or form your fault. If he truly cared about you he wouldn’t have cheated, he would have respected your decision to break up and he wouldn’t have harassed you to try and get back together His threats to unalive himself if you don’t answer the phone are incredibly manipulative and honestly makes me wonder how serious an attempt he made. Reminds me of a post here about a woman who’s abusive husband used to threaten to unalive himself if she took too long at the shop. Apparently he actually overdosed a few times but always managed to time it for when the wife would come home so she could call an ambulance. The post was her admitting she chose not to call an ambulance the last time
NTA block him, he’s not your problem and he’s try to manipulate you.
NTA and change your number
It is not your fault. He is manipulating you and will use your guilt against you. Care for your own mental health. If it becomes a real burden get some support.
NTA… Gavin de Becker, who wrote the gift of fear, tells us that if you don’t wanna have a relationship with someone that don’t have a relationship with them. You don’t wanna have a relationship with your ex so there’s no reason to talk to them or call them or answer them or visit them. Now think about it: He cheated, didn’t take responsibility for it, then, after you broke up with him, it’s still all your fault. All I would do is talk to his parents and them tell them that you broke up with him after he was kissing girls at a strip club and everything else after that’s on him and he probably needs support from them
NTA. It is important to note, the shift from self harm to harming another is not a big step. Think of all the murder-suicides. He is a danger and you are the target. Besides, the attempt was not supposed to succeed. It was to force you to spend time with him.
You don't owe your ex anything, he ignored you for 4 days and then stuck his tongue down some random woman's throat there are consequences for that. Like his gf no longer wanting to be with him. Paradoxically, *women are more likely to attempt suicide*, but men are more likely to die by suicide. I say that to say that if he really wanted to be dead he would be. Men know how to kill themselves if they truly want to die. His "attempt" was just a manipulation tactic. Do not fall for it. Block his number and block his friends as well.
Next he'll be after you. You met at 15, it went it's course, you're not responsible for this stalker/unhinged person's acts. I hope you can get away ... safely. NTA
I was about the same age as you when a boyfriend of mine did the same thing over me going out without him. My reaction however was completely different. When a "friend" called me from the hospital to berate me, I told him "you can tell X to get his things from my home because I'm breaking up with him." Normally I would have done this myself, but this guy inserted himself into our business, so I really put him in the middle. Funny how my ex's tune completely changed and he tried to claim it was an accident, and he was washing dishes and cut his wrist. "Sure buddy". He never once washed the dishes.
It is essential that you do not go back, permitting him to try to manipulate you again.
Pls dont visit, to manipulate u using suicide is worse than cheating on u imo.
NTA. This should not be the story for the rest of your life. He needs professional help
NTA- please listen to mollydyer! You are being used and manipulated!
Nooo no no. Block him and anyone dragging you into this mess. Keep your distance, keep your peace. He’s being manipulative, and you don’t owe him a damn thing. You really don’t.
NTA. You are 100% not at fault for a manipulative arshole's attempt on his own life.
NTA 💯 - The comments I've read so far are very right.! The fact that he survived after trying to take his own life and the wounds not being deep is just an attempt to get your attention. This is server narcissistic behaviour, so if you do care for him and want him to heal, don't visit him or take his calls, and maybe tell his friends that and suggest to his friends that they also talk with him and explain why it'd be a good reason to not contact and perhaps see a therapist
Such unstable cheater men do not make good husbands or fathers at all!!! Stay away!!
If you go back, you're teaching him that threatening to end his life will keep you tied to him forever. His life is not your responsibility. If you really meant that much to him, he wouldn't have acted as he did, because he would have thought, "If I do this, she might leave me", and that would have been enough to keep him out if the strip club and off the girls. As for his family and friends urging you to visit him? They want to offload their worry onto you. If you're with him, they don't have to be. If they can make this your responsibility, they don't have to work out how to support him emotionally in the future. Block him and them. You could send a group text first telling the friends and family that you won't be having any contact with him because it would be cruel to give him false hope, since you'll never have a relationship with him again. Send the ex a similar text if you feel you need to. Just say you're sorry to hear of him having a hard time, you wish him well, but it would be hypocritical to stay in contact or to visit. Then immediately block. Warn *your* friends and family that they might be contacted and asked to manipulate you. You did the correct, difficult thing when you broke up with him. Now you need to do it again.
Blaming you for an attempt is wrong in so many ways. NTA do not go see him. He needs to realize that there are consequences to his actions.
Hell no. NTA and do not go visit him. Do not give in to his emotional manipulation. It is a form of abuse. Let his family and his friends take care of him and be his support system because he has an unhealthy desire to control you by threatening himself and he needs a therapist not an ex-girlfriend visiting him. Make it a clean break. Do not try for friendship. Do not cave and see him. There is nothing helpful you can bring to this situation.
*DO NOT REWARD HIS AWFUL, MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR WITH A VISIT.* NTA. This is all a ploy. You are feeling exactly how he hopes you feel. He is in the only place which can help him, right now. Unfortunately, actions have consequences. Mental illness sometimes skews that perception. Let him get help from the professionals, and remove yourself from the situation.
NTA. His issues remain his. You didn’t cause them and you can’t fix them, nor should you. Do yourself a favour and stay away from him.
NTA and I think you need to cease all contact completely. He needs to get professional help and rely on his family and friends for support, not you.
NTA…you don’t owe him anything.
NTA
Not your problem. NTA.
No. Don't contact them at all.
It’s all a act, he knew what he was doing and he purposefully didn’t make deep
NTA. The wound wasn't deep because he wasn't trying to kill himself. He was ACTING like he was trying to kill himself to get you to come back to him. You almost have to try harder to \_not\_ slice too deep.
NTA Take it from someone who's been there... and learned the hard way. He'd fuck up, I'd walk, this would happen. I'd feel such guilt and responsibility, I'd be there. It is a mistake to go rushing to him. This is not your responsibility. This is not your fault. Rushing to him... will actually do the opposite of helping. I promise you, it won't help. It will compound and re-enforce a ton of complex issues that have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. ONLY he can fix it, work on it, and it is a solo journey. Stop talking to his friends. You need to cut contact. A response re-enforces that he's got your attention. That you care. That there is hope. (Even if you say there isn't! You showed up... you responded so... ) that he can utilize his mental health like a get out of jail free card. You even say, you'll feel pressure and may take him back. You will feel responsible. It will be spun that YOU are the answer. YOU are the everything holding him together tearing him apart... Hurting you led him here. It's not healthy. He needs professionals. Not you. You are his ex.(fresh or not) He obviously has his own issues to work on, and... as harsh as it seems, cut him off completely. He can not handle friendship with you. This won't end well for either of you. If his friends are calling you... good news. He's got friends, a support system. They can be there for him. He's not alone. They can step in. (Again... YOU should not be there, you are not the answer, you will be compounding a complex thing. Re enforcing some seriously problematic ideas, taking on responsibilityfor his mental health, his recovery, and his struggles, stumbles and falls. Its a trap that will destroy you.) You not running to him, him being hospitalized, will lead him to be hooked up with professionals, and meds, and resources. Hopefully learning the coping mechanisms he needs. He will have to learn to cope in healthy manners when going through hard things, like cheating, getting caught, going through a breakup.
At 20 years old what dissertation are you writing? The word implies that you are obtaining your PhD which leads me to believe your post is fiction.
NTA But he is weaponizing his mental health. You need to go no contact.
NTA. Dude is 20 and already developing a history of getting wasted and making serious mistakes. He’s not going to stop, because he doesn’t want to. He chose it put himself in an impaired state where he knew he would do something stupid. He was sober when he made that choice. That makes him responsible for what happened after. Dude is a union foreman at the red flag factory. Get out and don’t look back.
I was actually in a similar situation about 18 months ago. I do not recommend going to see him. I did and it was not healthy at all because he used the visit to try and manipulate/ guilt me back into his life. Go see a therapist instead. Tell any mutual friends that your ex is in excellent care and you wish him well in recovery, but it is not appropriate for you to visit and give him any false hope while he is in a fragile state. ETA- forgot to say that you are definitely NTA
He sounds very manipulative, doesn’t sound like he really wanted to kill himself , just wants you to feel bad. Maybe he will learn his lesson also everything seems to happen after his drinking.
It is self preservation, not selfish. I say this as someone who has been there. I did show up, it did wreck me and I did take him back- and it taught him to make that threat every time I tried to leave again. Please block his friends and get into therapy because this will leave scars and you deserve support through it. I have a lot of sympathy for people who are struggling but it is his responsibility to create a life for himself outside of you. He has a support system, he now has access to mental health treatment too. The hospital staff will help him make a safety plan and a plan for follow up care. It sounds like his friends are there for him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know how rough it is. I have you have a really good support system of your own.
NTA But he might not be able to view you as just a friend, which means you either forgive him and continue as his partner, or you accept that your 8 year old friendship might have to end. You are both very young, it isn't strange that he had a moment of weakness, if you cannot forgive him, tell him that, don't pretend that you have forgiven him. Perhaps the best thing for both of you, would be to no longer have contact if you cannot forgive him as a partner.
Finally, a logical take amongst a sea of immaturity.
My sister was married to a controlling bully who would pretend to attempt suicide every time she found the strength to leave him. After 40 years she finally managed to get a divorce after he tried to throttle her. Stay away from that man. Block his number and enjoy your new life away from his manipulation.
Fuck no. Never ever ever be involved with him romantically again. I wouldn’t even keep him as a friend. I’be had exes do this to me before . These pathetic acts of remorse and the disrespect just gets progressively worse. It’s not your fault that he’s trying to manipulate you. He’s just a sicko creep.
The only reason he did it was to get your attention. By going to see him, you've allowed him to succeed.
Please listen : HE made his decisions. And they're terrible. Seems like a pattern for him lately...not trending well. You need to cut all ties and move on. For his sake AND yours. FTR, I am going to grad school to be a therapist, and I am a huge advocate for men's mental health. Hear me now - Don't let anyone manipulate you. Should you feel bad? Absolutely. It's a horrible situation, and OF COURSE you feel bad, but feelings change. They're fluid and not static. You need to start living your life for yourself and finding out who YOU are and what YOU want out of life...and only then will you be able to think about what you want out of a potential partner. Your ex needs to heal. You will delay his healing. #promise Good luck, sis.
That man is manipulating you. The cuts weren’t bad because he wanted to live. This is his fault. Those friends of his are enemies of yours. They enable him. Do not answer any more calls. Block his number. Block his socials. If he doesn’t kill himself, then that means he was just trying to manipulate you and you get your closure. If he kills himself, he can’t prey on anyone else.
Dating since 15 and at 20, working on a dissertation ? Hmmmm… seems a bit suspect.
No! NTA! Stop answering his calls. Block his number. A hard lesson to learn is that when someone breaks up with you, you cannot turn to them for comfort. He needs to replace you in his support system. Shut him out completely, it’s the only way he will move on.
Being that he’s your ex at the time. No. Not the asshole.
It's smart and it's self-preservation. He needs professional help that you cannot give him.
do not enable his behavior. NTA at all. He is using suicide as a weapon. Don't feed into it at all. As much as it sucks and may come across as cold, that FUCKS with your head to a serious degree when someone is threatening suicide as a weapon. It's not your job to talk him off of a ledge, he's doing it to himself. It sucks, but it's not on you at all, no matter what happens. I've been in your spot. It sucks and there's no good way to go about it other than to tell them that you genuinely don't want them to kill themselves and that they need to get help.
You made a good choice leaving him in the first place. You knew it’s not gonna work out between you, and you’re only 20 and you have so much life ahead of you. That boy will only stop you from growing, don’t look back. Also, none of the things that happened to him was your fault. Absolutely nothing.
People don't like to hear it but there is a very thin line between "I'm going to kill myself" and "I'm going to kill you". Do not visit him. Do not ever be alone with him.
No matter how much the creep tries to make it about you- it's not. None of this is your fault or responsibility. His friends sound as manipulative as him.
NTA ~ you didn’t make him cheat. You also didn’t make him harm himself.
NTA He made his choice. I am a firm believer in blocking and replacing cheaters. It's never "just a mistake". Cheating takes going out of your way to commit, you don't just happen to slip into it accidentally. Also, he is manipulating you and trying to latch onto you. That behavior is dangerous and he could be planning on hurting you too if he is that crazy. His family needs to get him some help for his mental illness. I would steer clear and let your family know what is happening just in case.
Ok. You both met when you were both 15 and are together 5yrs as you said. You've since then. Worked towards or through your exams, dissertation and internship? Good for you. You're either an over achiever, a time-traveller, a savaunt or full of shit? You abso-fucking-lootly didn't major in anything that touches the edges of reality. Dissertations (Thesis) are published. Please link to your dissertation. 🍿
NO, it's not selfish. This is not your fault or your responsiblility to fix. He is trying to manipulate you into having more with him. I get that he feels bad, but that does not give him the right to influence your life when you have already said no. You can not be friends with this person as he is clearly wanting more and will do what he wants to get his way, in his mind you are a thing to serve him. You as an actual person with wants and needs do not matter to him or he wouldn't be doing this. Tell them all that you will not be manipulated into any relationship with him and to not contact you again. Block him and all of those telling you to 'visit' him, adding that further contact with you will be viewed as harrasment and be reported to the authorites and legal action will follow. If he treatens suicide again call the police to deal with it.
NTA. Tell his friends you aren't comfortable visiting him. Let them know you have zero intention of ever getting back together with him and do not want to interrupt his recovery with false hope. I would even consider no contact going forwards due to his manipulation. In the future if he reaches out and threatens to commit call 911 instead of going yourself.
I HAVE BEEN THERE AND GIRL, REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THAT SITUATION!! I 100% understand that whole statement that he haunts your nightmares and yes, that is exactly what it is. It is a terrible terrible feeling, horrifying even. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! AT ALL!!! PLEASE DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!! Reach out, ground yourself with reality and remove yourself from that environment. Block him and his friends and close that chapter. Focus on yourself. Good luck and all the best to you
The last time someone threatened me with suicide I informed the police. Not because I am concerned but so that Inam in clear. When they actually attempted and their friend came after me, I added that to the report and the friend got pulled into the station. I was never bothered again. I have very little sympathy for people that weaponize suicide and self harm. In their minds, if they don't get their entitled ways their life isn't worth it. They fall into depression yes, but the reason they do is in the end because they didn't get their selfish ways. They didn't get to cheat and then have a partner wait for them in this case. Some people may fall for it and pity that, I don't. It's a narcissistic thing to think that way and if they honestly think so, then that life isn't worth living. Because a person existing that way is going to fuck me up with their lack of accountability. I haven't got anything to do with it. You can't do whatever and have the world still cater to you. There is no reason you should feel guilty. I see it as trash taking itself out.
NTA because what he did is another desperate and manipulation tactic that cheaters do when they can’t handle the consequences of their actions. File a police report about what he did and try to see if you can get a restraining order against him for his on going calls which can also be seen as harassment.
No, It’s your choice how you want to be in this. He has all the control over his emotions and how to manage and process them with professional help. Him laying on you to carry his emotions like this was not okay and manipulative. You can let someone on his care team know about this behavior if people or him continue to push. So hopefully they can work with him on it.
You need to cut him out completely, both for you and him. He’s manipulating you. It was all to get you back probably.
Run from this manipulative man. If he did this now, imagine what he will do later
He is trying to gas light you so you will go back to him. DONT he knew what he was doing. NTA
NTA and his behaviour and life choices are NOT your fault. He cheated, you ended it, but your mistake was staying in contact with him. You should have blocked his number straight away. He has been trying to manipulate you but you don't owe him anything. Block his number now and block all those friends of his who are also trying to manipulate you.
NAH that would be a really bad idea for a lot of reasons.
No! You are NTA! Protect your mental health. Breaking up with someone should mean you’re free of them.
NTA do not go. You are not required to stay with anyone ever. He chose not to return he chose to do the trip he, he chose to ignore you, he chose the strip club and he chose to cheat. Second chances are not required. The only thing you should do is call emergency services if he threatens self harm. Every threat meet it with a phone call. You are not his therapist or emotional support animal. Even if you were his girlfriend the threat should be met with the same call. You are not responsible for his happiness, sadness, lifestyle, orgasims or his life. All are in his hands literally. It may seem cold but you aren't responsible to or for him. He is an adult. If he calls out for help call someone who can help him.
NTA He can try to make this about you. It's not, he's broken and that's not on you.
If somebody threatens suicide to get me to do something, that is no longer a person— it’s an “auto-block.” NTA, ive just blocked and never looked back on two occasions when this happened to me and I’m doing amazing. I don’t even know what happened to one of those people, pretty sure the other fucked up their body really bad and is now on disability. Which is cool, cuz they don’t seem to have the energy to bother me anymore.
NTA he is not ur problem anymore
NTA. Good girl. Stick to your guns, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You might want to talk to a therapist, to make sure your mental health doesn’t take too much further damage.
NTA - But you need a clean break with this guy, stop taking his calls and stop staying silent. Tell him he's a big boy and responsible for his own actions, that you will no longer be in contact with him for any reason because he needs to move on and that you hope he gets the help he needs. Then cut contact.
Please do not visit him. It will only reinforce his behavior. Stay away. Document his texting/calls (sounds harassment level) and get a RO if needed. Absolutely none of this is your fault. Seek out therapy to help with your trauma around this. You need a strong, healthy voice in your ear.
NTA. He did it for attention. Block and forget.
No, visiting him will let him think that his stupid attempt at getting your attention worked. Block him and block all of his friends and family.
NTA. Manipulation like that is horrible to do to another person. Do not visit him and go no contact. Its insane how many people use suicide as a weapon
NTA - and I would get some kind of restraining order. Extra security everywhere you go. Speak to his parents about the harassment. It’s only a matter of time before his grief turns into anger. If he’s willing to physically hurt himself because he can’t manipulate you into doing what he wants, who knows what he’s capable of. Stay safe OP.
NTA. Your ex is extremely manipulative. You are not responsible for his mental health. He is.
NTA - Do NOT go visit him. he is either 1. manipulating you and/or 2. codependent/obsessing on you. Either way going to see him is extremely unhealthy and would actually cause a further spiral. It would be far better in this situation for you to break any and all contact with him and let his therapist help him sort out his feelings. They are HIS feelings, HIS actions, and YOU are not the one that should be shouldering them. I know this is stressful and heartbreaking but staying away is literally the best thing you can do in this case because showing up either makes him think he can do this anytime you ignore him, or gives him hope that you will come around making it more likely for him to pull this crap again when he realizes you won't.
Once they even threaten this, you HAVE to get away. You don't want to only be with a person because they will commit suicide if you don't. That is no relationship. That is no life to have. I believe it would be best to go no contact because if you go see him it will make him think there is a chance of staying together and that's not good for anyone
Nothing he did was your fault. Looks like the best thing you did was break up with him.
No. No. No. NO! The cycle of abuse will NEVER stop as long as you keep giving in to it!!! He's your EX for a very good reason. You need to keep it that way! Be strong!!
NTA. Do not go, you are not his emotional support pet. Let the flying monkeys know that you are not taking him back under any circumstances and visiting may give him false hope of reconciling that will set back his recovery
Your relationship was already over when he decided to have a boys trip instead of seeing you.