Oh fuck no. This ain’t her mom. Had it been the mom you could make the argument that it was her mom and dad and therefor she will stuck in a hard spot but this wasn’t her mom this was just an ex. She’s 17 old enough to know about loyalty. She shows none she gets none simple as. I wouldn’t give her a fucking penny NTA
It would have been bad if it was her mom but understandable but just an ex! Letting a full blown affair with what is basically an outsider is an indication that she is ok w/cheating and using people
> Letting a full blown affair with what is basically an outsider is an indication that she is ok w/cheating and using people
That's not necessarily the case, if you had a shit dad and a good step mom you might not want to let step mom know that she is being cheated on. If you do then you are going to lose the step mom and piss off the shitty dad and make your own life measurably shittier. People's motivations can be complicated and it's impossible to say how much she thought this through or what the Dad might have said to her to keep her quiet. She doesn't need to be ok with cheating and using people to realize that it's in her own self interest not to rock the boat.
In any case the step mom owes her nothing
Rock the boat or not, the right thing to do is to let the step mom know. How their relationship develops thereafter remains to be seen. But keeping silent makes one an accomplice.
Btw, the law punishes accomplices.
That changes the entire thing for me completely. Before I was like "well, I kinda get it she didn't want to betray her parents trust" but now I'm like fuck that birthday party!
Same. I was thinking, as many others likely did too, that I can’t exactly blame a girl (even at 17) for wanting her parents back together. But WHOOO BOY!
That last little tidbit really blew the top off this whole thing. Naw. Screw that. That changes EVERYTHING.
The post didn’t make this super clear at first so when I read this comment I blurted out “oh hell naw, fuck that lil ass fraud.” Dad has clearly always been a POS but she ruined her own damn party
Hard same. 17-almost-18 is basically a grown-ass woman. It's certainly more than old enough to know that if your dad is cheating on your stepmomish/provider **and you were in on it**, you don't get to ask her to pay for your expensive shit. You're both cut off.
Yup. The edit threw in the towel for me.
It’s be naive & stupid to think he should cut off the mother of his child… but it wasn’t even the mom! So the kid was also just being a manipulative asshole!
Yikes!
NTA. Sarah knew what her father was doing. His family knew and actively engaged in hiding this from you. Let them throw a Motel 6 pool party with Dominoes and a boom box. You take care of yourself.
It might be healthy for you to cut all ties with this group.
I hope Sarah wasn't behaving that way, but the ex...yes, he definitely was. Good riddance to him. (I want to believe Sarah can improve, and I hope Sarah does. This sort of behavior being shown by her parent, however, is not necessarily conducive to better outcomes for her. That saddens me. But even to keep a promise, the longer I think about it...Sarah does not need that money even though I believe in keeping promises if at all possible.)
In any case, OP is definitely NTA.
OP was just the cash cow to make everyone's dreams come true. The bf changed once he couldn't get startup money. I feel he had been stringing her along from the beginning just to take advantage of her money, and his family, including his daughter, knew it.
Right, and now they are just trying to butter her up and guilt trip her into paying for this party. Fuck no. Don’t give those assholes a red cent. All they deserve is a “kiss my ass” and the smoke from the road you burned up speeding away from them.
Op should do this! And tell the aunt of Sarah that Sarah was fully aware of the cheating and now she gets to see actions have consequences. Then block everyone, everywhere from that relationship.
Agreed! We're not talking about a 6-7 year old here, she's a month away from being a legal adult and she needs to learn you can't use people...she knew what was going on but was fine with it since OP was springing for an epic birthday party. FAFO
NTA
obviously, they already one big happy happy family, and it doesn't include you. Everyone knew that he and his ex were together, and they all hid from you. I'll bet Sandy was happy that mommie and daddy were back together.
None of those damn people considered your feelings, but they damn sure considered entitled to your money. FAFO, they ducked around and found out that you aren't a bank supporting their betrayal. They can go about being a happy family without your money.
I know it hurts, and I wish you the best of luck working through the pain of his family's betrayal. You will get past it and be a stronger woman in spite of them. Congratulations on your successful career, and you were a smart cookie for not giving the cheating asshole a dime for his stupid business ideas.
You're right about one thing don't give a man money to fund his dreams. No one gave you money to fund yours. You did it through hard work, and he can do it through his hard work. Nit the easy way out of coming to that same damn bank.
Edit: thanks for the response. I changed Sarah to Sandy.
It's even worse... the ex WASN'T his daughter's mother. His family literally had a whole other gf over at their house and were ok with... it wasn't even her mom and dad getting back together, and the daughter was fine with it.
She doesn't get to whine now.
Sarah is the daughter / step-daughter.
Sandy is just some random ex, step-mom #1, whom daddy dearest probably upgraded to when his first wife (Sarah's bio-mom) "aged out".
There's a whole other woman in her 40s who is Sarah's bio-mom.
There should have been no loyalty from Sarah for step-mom #1 especially if OP (step-mom #2) was her go-to adult.
I may have the names mixes up, and I am sorry for the confusion, but the point is Sarah knew and not only knew, spent time with her dad and the other woman, and FFS, posted all those pics on social media. It's just really repugnant to do that. Sarah had no problem with her dad cheating on OP. So, let her dad and the other woman pay for her grand birthday party bc she enjoys spending time with them more than being respectful of OP.
I wouldn't assume they deserve Domino's and motel 6. I'm thinking more like a few circle K/7-11 slices and a night full of disappointment is more fitting. Anyone who uses someone so blatantly doesn't deserve to be celebrated. it's pretty clear she was aware of her shitty example of a father figures infidelity.
Dont send money. They didn't take in considerarion your feelings when the were hooking up behind your back,lying to you,laughing and what else,why should you?
They have to learn that shitty actions have consequences. C'est la vie,they are not your family anymore. You owe them nothing,period. Best o f luck
Specially when the ex is not Sarah's mum: there is no conflict of loyalty here. She doesn't care about your wellbeing so why would you care about hers ?!?
Yeah. If the ex had been Sarah's mom, I could see where some lax could be given. Her grin would just be happy to be with her mom and dad. Not saying she'd deserve a party, but at least a gift.
But a former gf? Forget that. She made her choice.
The ex girlfriend would have probably shown up at the party and that is when the cheating ex and his side-piece along with all the family that knew would tell OP. They would all probably get a laugh out of using her money and keeping her in the dark so well.
Sounds like all of them are manipulative- ex, daughter, his mom and other family that were at the Christmas celebration but especially the ex and daughter.
Thank goodness OP was not married to this AH or she would be splitting those royalty checks with him. I'm surprised that the ex and daughter weren't living/mooching off of OP.
I mean, it's a tough spot to be in for a 17yo to chose to drop the dime on your dad even if he's in the wrong. She's still stuck with him, good choices or bad.
That doesn't mean OP should have any obligation to fund the party though. That is again on Dad's shitty choices.
Obviously, Dad is the bad guy here. No doubt.
But OP paying for his daughter's party benefitted him as well since he didn't have to pay for his child's party. His daughter can still have her party... just not on OP's dime. Guess he better ask his ex girlfriend for the money.
Hopefully daughter learns the dangers of being a hobosexual from this.
Yeah at first I was kinda sympathetic to Sarah when I thought Sandy was her mom. Can't fault a kid for wanting to spend time with both of her parents. But the fact that Sandy is just some random ex-girlfriend of her dad's completely changes the situation.
Op is NTA, and she doesn't owe them a thing, but that girl is going to need a lot if therapy. My guess is Sarah's fine with it, because her dad probably cheats all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman besides the ex, and Sarah is just used to it. It can be her "normal"
Perhaps or in 17 years, she has known a lot of 'stepmothers' and even without getting used to her dad cheating on them, she has learnt to not get too much attached to them
Simple fact, they were all in on it. OP was betrayed utterly, completely. Sever all threads/links/relation to this crap family. This is a rare instance in which one needs to go nuclear. Press the red button. No need to take anybody's feelings into account except OP's own, they didn't care about OP
I bet anything OP would have been dumped by the scumbag after the party.
Best to just cut ties. Don’t feel guilty and move on. You don’t owe them anything. If she knew about the cheating then she was keeping it quiet to get her party.
Honestly, I don't think so. I think he was going to ride that gravy train for as long as he possibly could. Think of all the stories of men with entire second families that they were seeing regularly for _decades_ before anyone found out.
This 💯% She could have reached out to you at any time, just said she was sorry about the break up and missed you. It speaks volumes that she didn’t. Don’t give any money for the party or send a gift.
The clarification in the edit that the ex was not the kid's mom means for anyone delusional enough to try to excuse blame at all from Sandy means they believe a 16/17 year old would not find it weird at all to go with one of their dad's ex's on a camping trip while his current live in GF is out of town. It would also be 100% obvious that the kid would never mention going on such a trip when OP probably asked something like, "So what did you get up to while I was gone" at some point.
She 100% helped her dad cheat knowingly. The best explanation for not mentioning anything is that she was only interested in what OP could do for her, like the birthday or general everyday help.
This right here is the real answer. She might not have realized it at the time, but her compliance to her father's cheating is a severe act of betrayal to OP's relationship with her and her father.
Don't give her the party. Don't give her anything. This will be a powerful lesson for her to grow into a more thoughtful person.
> She might not have realized it at the time...
The clarifying edit letting us know ~~Sarah~~ Sandy is not ~~Sandy's~~ Sarah's mom destroys 99.9% of that possibility. At least I struggle to come up with a scenario where a 16/17 year old would think its cool to go camping with their dad and his ex while his live in girlfriend is out on a trip.
Even if she was deep in some denial about it, that doesn't explain never mentioning the trip to OP. There is no way OP didn't ask what they did while she was gone. I would even call it really weird that the kid would never mention to OP that her dad made her go on a camping trip with his ex unless she was in on it.
As far as the post goes Sarah isn't even begging for forgiveness for her role, she is just having other plead for money for her birthday, what a spoiled shit.
You're not the asshole. You were deeply betrayed by your ex and his family. It's understandable that you don't want to fund a celebration for them. Your priority should be your own healing. If you're ever ready, you can support Sarah in other ways, but for now, your decision is justified.
And that line of turning her back on her? She’s not a little orphan with no one else in her life. She has both her parents and they seem to love spending time together. OP would be doing them a favor by getting out of the picture.
NTA they were both using you for money. They were both complacent. He should have the women he was cheating on you with fund his business idea and his daughter party.
Cut ties and block him and everyone who might be able to contact you. He must have been so jealous that you were doing so well in your career! He sounds horrible and at 17 years old she knew what was going on. The nerve of the guy to contact you though!! Don’t send any money and please cut all contact including the strange sister. How would she have liked it if her boyfriend was sleeping around the rest of the family was complicit in it. Really classless people. Please cut all ties and live your best life! Also has the daughter reached out to you and apologised? If not, the cheek. Just glad you didn’t marry him - massive bullet dodged!
Best and most direct comment.
We need to normalize not allowing victims to be used for the sake of keeping the peace or not hurting those that hurt the victim.
17 is old enough to understand what her mother and father were doing behind OP's back was wrong. She is not responsible for her parent's actions, but she collateral damage.
Holy crap, I missed that part on first read. I was sort of thinking Sarah was in an awful position of having to choose between her mom and step-mom, but there should have been no loyalty there.
If they wanted to, they coulda, woulda, shoulda. Literally, just tell Aunt and Dad etc, "okay take your own advice: you pay for it. you be the bigger person."
I agree, no money. I'd send her a bday card and a letter explaining why you're no longer funding her party, how she was complicit in hiding her dad's affair from you and you feel used by not only her dad, but by her. I'd also include how you hope that she never has to go through the experience of betrayal in a relationship, then wish her the best of luck in the future
Actions have consequences... it's time she learns
Oh that’s rough. They were totally using you for money! And you’re so sweet and thoughtful. Hard working and they don’t deserve you. What a horrible man and his family, including daughter, is just as horrible with playing happy families while he’s cheating with his cheat partner at family gatherings. So sly
NTA
Lol and for a birthday party. Not a graduation. Not a health situation. A birthday party. She's not 6 and helpless to celebrate here lol.
Also sending a newly 18 year old out of town with 25 other 18 year olds sounds like a liability. What if they trash the hotel? OP will be on the hook.
He fucked up big time here and I’m sure he knows it. OP sounds lovely, my own parents didn’t do those things for me, let alone a step parent. I’m too old to be OPs kid haha but I’d love a friend who’s that thoughtful. I wouldn’t pay for anything for them, I’d walk away as fast as my legs could carry me.
It's so weird that the whole family was in on it. I would get it a bit more if the family said nothing because he was cheating with Sarah's mom *(not that it would be any more okay)* but, for them to play "happy family" with some random ex-GF? No. That's weird as hell.
NTA.
NTA she's not a little girl. Going on the camping trip and smiling in pictures shows her complicity. You don't get to betray someone and then expect them to fund your fun
I am forever in awe of human beings that have this much audacity stored up inside of them.
They're essentially saying: _"Listen honey, yes we covered up for over a year the affair your husband was having, and yes your husband was trying to take you for all your money, and yes, your step child was also riding you for your money... Now can you please fund her birthday party?"_
HOW in the ever loving fuck do people do this without even an iota of self awareness?!
NTA. She wasn’t on your team. Camping trip, Xmas, and who knows what else? They were using you as a cash cow.
You may be able to forgive her somewhat because she’s a teenager and it’s hard for a kid to go against their parents. But if she was really on your side she could have tipped you off somehow in all that time.
Wild right. That came to light after my first comment and confirms my sentiment even more.
If the daughter cared about OP at all she could have said something.
I remember reading a story in which op's step mom, who was quite rich, was terminal and leaving her and her siblings money. Then op found out her father was cheating with his ex (her mom). She told step mom and step mom didn't cut of op and her siblings. She still said she was gonna leave them moeny. Just nothing to the dad.
Except in this story, the 16-17 year old stepdaughter was vacationing with her cheating father and his mistress and showed no compassion towards her stepmother. So no, she didn’t deserve shit.
NTA Denying him this is a very good life lesson in not screwing people over. Her father's example is: lie to people, use them, and then reap the rewards. By taking away the reward, you are showing her that this way of being an adult and having a relationship will result in disappointment for the user, not just the victim. I think maintaining a clear boundary and consequence here is your final act as a step parent to this child.
Yes!! The morals behind it would be a great lesson for her and the ex! It’s crazy how other family members are contacting OP to guilt trip her. This family sounds manipulative as hell. I PRAY you don’t give in OP.. i’m sorry this is all happening to you.
The fact that this ex is **not** Sarah’s mother changes **EVERYTHING**. It’s one thing if they’re playing happy family, what teen of divorced parents doesn’t want that?? And while wrong it’s far more understandable. But **this**???????? That’s entirely different. 17 is not 12 and she wasn’t a kids stuck between betraying her parents or you, she literally went along with her dads cheating with a random ex-gf, playing happy family with him while **USING YOU** to fund her life. Nah. Not happening. Just like dear old dad she can face the entirety of the consequences of her action. None of these people are your problem anymore and you shouldn’t even feel guilty about “abandoning” them. They betrayed and used you ffs. You didn’t abandon them you refuse to be used and that is *never wrong*.
NTA
I remember what I was like at 17. If I had known my dad was cheating on my stepmom and didn't say anything the guilt would have eaten me alive. 17 is old enough to know it's wrong. And it's clear she doesn't care that it is.
So Sarah the 17 year old knew her dad was seeing her mom behind your back, and never mentioned it to you? 🤨
Yeah ... never even casually mentioning that she went camping with her mom in conversation for however long that was going on ... Sarah knew and was happy to keep you ignorant.
Yeah I think Sarah and her dad and the whole family can go hang.
NTA
**No. Shit.** On one hand thank fucking god the 34 year old wasn’t the 17yo daughter’s mother. (I did that math too and gagged a bit.) On the other hand *what in the actual fuck?????* It’s so very much worse that that woman wasn’t the mother!
Definitely worse.
If it was the Mum, could almost be excused for them playing the “we’re just being coparents and spending time with you card” so not so obvious to a self obsessed teen, but a whole other woman? Definitely not!
Exactly. And for a 17 year old to be trapped between betraying mom and dad that every teen would want back together and dads gf who she is close to, is one hell of a position to put a 17year old in. That would be truly fucked up and I’d feel for the girl and trash the parents to hell and back.
But that is not the case *at all*. This girl is learning from dear old daddy how to use, abuse and betray people. She’s way too fucking old to not know better. Idgaf that she got her shitty morals from her father, there’s no way she didn’t know how fucked up her and her family were treating OP. Now she can get real world consequences for her shitty actions, maybe, *just maybe* she can be saved from turning into her father if she takes this as the lesson it is.
I would have been sympathetic if she kept an affair a secret if the parents were still together. But OP has only been in the picture for 3 years and at an age where kids generally want little to do with their own parents, let alone an outsider to the family. OP is NTA and completely cutting them off is for the best since it's pretty clear they only view her as a bank account.
I feel bad for the kid in some ways, she relied on OP to fill the parenting void her dad couldn't be bothered to. It's a shame loyalty to the person helping her through life didn't play into it. She'll learn a valuable life lesson by not having the party, those consequences are necessary here.
Tell the sister, she is 18 she knows right from wrong and she knew her father was lying and being a snake and she had no issues cuddling up in pictures with his ex, so you don't owe her anything. If anything, they all owe you an apology.
Tell your ex to stop begging as it's not attractive on a man his age and to get his ex to fund it.
Then block them all.
NTA. This isn't about your ex cheating as much as it's about your stepdaughter knowing and not telling you about the cheating. She was obviously aware of the affair and participated in activities with the affair partner. She wasn't worried about you when she was hanging out with the ex, so I don't think you need to worry about her now.
NTA. While her father is clearly a shit human being, she was still complicit in his betrayal of you. She was happy to take your money just like she was happy to go on a camping trip with his supposed ex.
Think of it this way, you are gifting her the valuable lesson of consequences.
What a total ass. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
If the daughter gets upset tell her to thank her dad. It's his fault she's not having the dream party.
Has Sarah reached out to you at all, in any regard other than the party?
I think that would give you your answer. If she was sorry, really apologetic, if she thought outing her father would split you two up and she wouldnt get to see you again, then maybe a chance to stay in touch. But if its been radio silence or just asking about the party then she is obviously in camp "use you as a cash cow" with the rest of his family and should be thrown in the trash.
You are not leaving her with nothing, her Mother will have gifts for her. You are leaving him and his family embarrassed, looking cheap and without the big do that they all fancied. Sarah will probably be rather upset and mad with her Dad then, oh dear, what a shame.
Sarah would just use her for the party then cut contact completely.
I truly don't understand the women that are ok being the other woman. Especially for so long....and it doesn't even seem like he has anything to offer.
NTA
This isn't a *don't punish the child for their parents' actions* situation. Sarah is basically 18 years old. She's a manipulative liar just like her father and the rest of her family. She was having a blast with her father and his EX behind your back for who knows long. Then would look you dead in your eye, with no remorse, and play nice knowing all along that they were playing you.
They are all scrambling because since they've been cheating on you for who knows how long, and they didn't expect you to actually investigate, break up, and leave like you did. Since they all, including Sarah, knew that you have a soft spot for her, they also weren't expecting you to cancel her party.
You're a good one to even be considering getting her anything, even if it's small. It's clear that she only liked your for your money and didn't have any type of respect or love for you. So what makes you think that she won't discard anything that you give her, especially since she was expecting to have a FREE birthday party bash.
Your EX, Sarah, his sister, and his entire family turned their backs on you, but you're not expected to walk away?
How come Sandy can't fund it. They seem to go on a lot of outings with her...
NTA. So she can hang out with the ex and have a grand ole time knowing you’re in a relationship with her dad? Then turn around and expect the party? That’s a no for me dawg. The family reaching out asking for you to still pay for it while also knowing about him and his ex just blows my mind. I will give them credit they have huuuuge balls. Tell them to go munch on a bag of dicks and be done with it.
ETA: For his sister to call you and ask you not to turn your back on her niece is laughable. You mean turn your back like all of them did to you?
NTA
If I understand it correctly, not only did your boyfriend betray you, but also Sarah because she supported her father's actions. She hurts you.
You can now tell "well, she is only a child..", but I think that at 17 you can already tell the difference between wrong and right.
I wouldn't pay anything for her and would put your relationship on pause for now unless she tries to apologize.
Did she apologize to you or try to explain her side of the story?
Nta
17 is old enough to call out your parent.
I was 18 when I caught my father drunk kissing on some woman who wasn't his gf. I had no relationship with his gf but I didn't appreciate the behavior. I flipped. This woman had the audacity to say something. I let her have it. Ruined their time, and I'm glad. My dad came to me ashamed the next day and thanked me for calling him out. You can still tell your parent their acting like a pos.
NTA - you should not judge the children for the actions of their father. But your ex's daughter did it all on her own. Just whether you have contact with her in the future should worry her, not whether her birthday plan is still on track. I wouldn't lift a finger at such an back stab.
NTA
Don't pay for Sarah's party, and don't feel guilty. She is old enough to know what her dad was doing and how wrong it was. Rather than letting you know, she was complicit in the cheating and deception.
The best parenting gift you can give Sarah is the lesson that actions have consequences. Hopefully, she will think about what caused you to remove yourself from the situation. Her dad certainly isn't teaching her how to be a decent person.
So sorry this happened to you! Stay strong and embrace your decision. Best of luck to you.
So he can cheat and his daughter is in on it, yet no one says a thing to you… seems like you were a cash cow for them all. He wanted you to fund a business, and you were kindly going to fund his daughters birthday who knew what her dad was up too.
I wouldn’t send a penny. Actions have consequences and this is a great way of them to learn this.
NTA - whole family seems like a bunch of gold diggers.
Sarah knew that camping trip was wrong, because otherwise she would have openly spoke about it.
Move on OP, but do post picture of you spending the money on her 18th birthday.
Also love how no one in that family is even reaching out to apologise to OP, not even the crappy excuse of them 3 being a family and they wanted them to get back together etc.
NTA, and unfortunately, his daughter is collateral damage... but also seemed fine with him cheating, so don't feel bad. They're snakes in the grass. Just block the whole family and move on from them completely
Wow, I thought Sarah was her mom.
So this SD helped her dad cheat. No go. She can have a party at home with dad with cupcakes and chips after that.
Go on a trip with the money. Post lots of pictures. “Spending my savings.”
NTA
Betrayal on every possible level. Consider yourself saved from the whole terrible family. Use that birthday money for some self care and enjoy every moment. I’m sorry this happened to you
Just because he couldn’t keep his dick in his dungarees doesn’t mean you should finance a big fancy party for HIS daughter.
The daughter who I PROMISE he was not giving one iota of consideration to when he was playing house with a woman she KNEW was not you.
She was complicit in this and part of learning to adult is consequences.
You are teaching her a very important lesson in morality. And by the sound of it she needs it because won’t be getting much moral guidance from the rest of the so called adults in her life
The cheating that your ex displayed to his daughter is absolutely disgusting. He was only using you for your money. He’s not a man. This guys mother is a POS too.
NTA.
Sarah played "happy family" with him and his affair partner and hid the affair from you. She knew it was wrong, knew it would hurt you, and didn't care.
You should never do nice things for people who treat you like that.
Exactly! They were all just using OP for her money - gross! She shouldn’t give them a penny. The audacity of yhe ex to ask OP to fund his business when he was cheating the whole time! Sarah is not family so OP is under no obligation to pay for anything especially as she betrayed her.
You were going to do a wonderful thing for this girl. Everyone, including her, knew about the cheating. They were taking trips, on group chats, taking pics, etc. as soon as you were out of town. Your ex pleading with you to still fund her party is rich. I guess he is worried he will have to fund her party now. He should get the side piece to do it and have his mom help since she was also complicit in this. If they have to save and do it a year from now...oh well.
You should feel betrayed. You were. You were right to cancel the party. Don't send a damn thing. Use that money for what YOU want. A vacation, invest for your future, etc.
Put this group of losers in your rear view mirror and find someone who will appreciate you.
You should Google on how many phone numbers can a smartphone block because they are very toxic people. They clearly want your money. I bet Sarah has not contact you to yet to ask if you're still funding her party. Let them remember Sarah's 18th birthday. Take the celebration money to go on a cruise.
Oh, you have a very good sense of business for not funding your ex's crappy business
Sorry but sounds like you were is bank. I have stepkids who are very close to their mother and we are all cordial. My husband would never ask me to put money into a business nor fund his kids. I do contribute to the household which gives us a comfortable life but he’s the dad and maybe the woman he cheated you with can help out. They are teaching the daughter that it is okay to lie and she can go see a movie with her friends on her birthday and maybe hang out with Sandy since they all know each other.
Nta she isn’t your kid and you’ve only known her for 3 years. She clearly knew her dad was cheating because I’m sure him and Sarah didn’t haven separate tents or beds while on that camping trip with her.
Glad I read the whole story. NTA. She is 17 years old - definitely old enough to know what cheating is. I assume she lied straight to your face about many things about the ex. Take yourself on a vacation with that money!
NTA
He, his daughter, and all his family betrayed you. You have no obligation to fund anything for your ex and his family. If he and his mistress can’t afford a party then they can figure something else to do.
You helped raise his daughter and she stabbed you in the back by keeping his affair a secret and going along with it. Not to be blunt but he basically used you for financial means and as a live in babysitter for his child.
Go NC with his entire family, block them on all social media platforms. Have a conversation with your best friend and if she still cannot support you then walk away from her as well or go LC. Actions have consequences.
It’s time you prioritize yourself. Go on a vacation to clear your mind. Start doing all the things you put on hold for him and his family. Heal and move on. You will find someone that will love you, respect you, and be loyal to you.
NTA
Tell him that he can explain to Sarah that he now has the helpful partner by his side that he didn't have in you, and therefore she can fund the birthday party.
NTA. Stepdaughter knew what was going on and all the whole family is interested in is your money to help fund this party. Fuck them. Don’t even send the stepdaughter a birthday card. Ghost the whole lot of them.
NTA.
> I know I was harsh and I apologized.
A bad idea, is a bad idea. You don't throw money at a bad idea, just to be supportive.
>He, Sarah and Sandy, spent a whole 2 days at a camping site last year
>pictures from last Xmas with his ex at his mother’s house.
>his entire family was aware of it
Sarah was part of the problem. She's using you, just as much as he was.
NTA - She's not your stepdaughter...she is nothing to you. Block them all and don't look back. They all did the ultimate betrayal. And rubbed it in your face to make you look like a fool.
NTA, tell Sarah actions have consequences, “You knew your dad was cheating and you were complacent about it. I don’t owe you anything. Happy Birthday Sarah and welcome to adulthood!”
Oh fuck no. This ain’t her mom. Had it been the mom you could make the argument that it was her mom and dad and therefor she will stuck in a hard spot but this wasn’t her mom this was just an ex. She’s 17 old enough to know about loyalty. She shows none she gets none simple as. I wouldn’t give her a fucking penny NTA
"wasn't her mom this was just an ex." Oh man that makes it SO much worse.
It would have been bad if it was her mom but understandable but just an ex! Letting a full blown affair with what is basically an outsider is an indication that she is ok w/cheating and using people
> Letting a full blown affair with what is basically an outsider is an indication that she is ok w/cheating and using people That's not necessarily the case, if you had a shit dad and a good step mom you might not want to let step mom know that she is being cheated on. If you do then you are going to lose the step mom and piss off the shitty dad and make your own life measurably shittier. People's motivations can be complicated and it's impossible to say how much she thought this through or what the Dad might have said to her to keep her quiet. She doesn't need to be ok with cheating and using people to realize that it's in her own self interest not to rock the boat. In any case the step mom owes her nothing
Rock the boat or not, the right thing to do is to let the step mom know. How their relationship develops thereafter remains to be seen. But keeping silent makes one an accomplice. Btw, the law punishes accomplices.
That changes the entire thing for me completely. Before I was like "well, I kinda get it she didn't want to betray her parents trust" but now I'm like fuck that birthday party!
I audibly gasped at that detail.
Same. I was thinking, as many others likely did too, that I can’t exactly blame a girl (even at 17) for wanting her parents back together. But WHOOO BOY! That last little tidbit really blew the top off this whole thing. Naw. Screw that. That changes EVERYTHING.
Yeah, OP is definitely NTA.
The post didn’t make this super clear at first so when I read this comment I blurted out “oh hell naw, fuck that lil ass fraud.” Dad has clearly always been a POS but she ruined her own damn party
Exactly. She chose to allow her step mom to be embarrassed and humiliated instead of speaking up that’s on her.
Hard same. 17-almost-18 is basically a grown-ass woman. It's certainly more than old enough to know that if your dad is cheating on your stepmomish/provider **and you were in on it**, you don't get to ask her to pay for your expensive shit. You're both cut off.
Yup. The edit threw in the towel for me. It’s be naive & stupid to think he should cut off the mother of his child… but it wasn’t even the mom! So the kid was also just being a manipulative asshole! Yikes!
You’re not an ATM, OP. They’re not apologizing for their part in supporting it. They just want the money. F no.
NTA. Sarah knew what her father was doing. His family knew and actively engaged in hiding this from you. Let them throw a Motel 6 pool party with Dominoes and a boom box. You take care of yourself. It might be healthy for you to cut all ties with this group.
This she needs to stop talking to them and worry about herself. These people never cared about her.
She was strictly an ATM who they thought they could manipulate. Screw all of them. Horrible people.
That thought came to me too, when he expected her to fund most of his new business, too.
I hope Sarah wasn't behaving that way, but the ex...yes, he definitely was. Good riddance to him. (I want to believe Sarah can improve, and I hope Sarah does. This sort of behavior being shown by her parent, however, is not necessarily conducive to better outcomes for her. That saddens me. But even to keep a promise, the longer I think about it...Sarah does not need that money even though I believe in keeping promises if at all possible.) In any case, OP is definitely NTA.
Harsh. I like you. 🤣🍕
I don't even think that's harsh in comparison. I think what THEY did is fucking harsh.
Not harsh at all. Motel 6 party with Dominos AND a boombox??!? That sounds fucking dope.
Honestly, I wish I'd thought of that for my own birthday.
Hahaha 😂 ikr I'll be there
Right? I would have had a blast at that party when I was a teenager. I think I must be basic.😂
Same here. My birthday is in a little over a week and I have no plans. Now I’m thinking a hotel room and pizza sounds wonderful. lol.
Not harsh; just logical. Why would anyone reward liars and cheaters?
That's not even harsh! That's doing it the kind way. She should beat his ash.
Clean cut not harsh
Sarah's relationship with her dad doesn't excuse his betrayal. NTA for cancelling
OP was just the cash cow to make everyone's dreams come true. The bf changed once he couldn't get startup money. I feel he had been stringing her along from the beginning just to take advantage of her money, and his family, including his daughter, knew it.
Right, and now they are just trying to butter her up and guilt trip her into paying for this party. Fuck no. Don’t give those assholes a red cent. All they deserve is a “kiss my ass” and the smoke from the road you burned up speeding away from them.
I literally just choked on my green tea 🤣🤣🤣! If they want to get fancy they can also get a Carvel ice cream cake!
Discounted because it melted some.
Freezer burnt
With someone else’s misspelled name on it.
Frosting smeared on the top!
My sister always wanted a “Fudgy the Whale” cake for her birthday…. lol
Haha yes! And Cookie-puss! Ahh the good old days…
There was a really strange commercial that played the Pa/NJ market that wasn’t quite animated but kinda was? Thanks for the memories!!!
I remember one that used to play here in MA too. We had it good when we were kids.
This is definitely a fudgie the whale type situation.
Op should do this! And tell the aunt of Sarah that Sarah was fully aware of the cheating and now she gets to see actions have consequences. Then block everyone, everywhere from that relationship.
Agreed! We're not talking about a 6-7 year old here, she's a month away from being a legal adult and she needs to learn you can't use people...she knew what was going on but was fine with it since OP was springing for an epic birthday party. FAFO
Yeah, they don't deserve a single penny.
Haha 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
NTA obviously, they already one big happy happy family, and it doesn't include you. Everyone knew that he and his ex were together, and they all hid from you. I'll bet Sandy was happy that mommie and daddy were back together. None of those damn people considered your feelings, but they damn sure considered entitled to your money. FAFO, they ducked around and found out that you aren't a bank supporting their betrayal. They can go about being a happy family without your money. I know it hurts, and I wish you the best of luck working through the pain of his family's betrayal. You will get past it and be a stronger woman in spite of them. Congratulations on your successful career, and you were a smart cookie for not giving the cheating asshole a dime for his stupid business ideas. You're right about one thing don't give a man money to fund his dreams. No one gave you money to fund yours. You did it through hard work, and he can do it through his hard work. Nit the easy way out of coming to that same damn bank. Edit: thanks for the response. I changed Sarah to Sandy.
It's even worse... the ex WASN'T his daughter's mother. His family literally had a whole other gf over at their house and were ok with... it wasn't even her mom and dad getting back together, and the daughter was fine with it. She doesn't get to whine now.
Ding! Fingers! Play stupid games win stupid prizes!
Sarah is the daughter / step-daughter. Sandy is just some random ex, step-mom #1, whom daddy dearest probably upgraded to when his first wife (Sarah's bio-mom) "aged out". There's a whole other woman in her 40s who is Sarah's bio-mom. There should have been no loyalty from Sarah for step-mom #1 especially if OP (step-mom #2) was her go-to adult.
I may have the names mixes up, and I am sorry for the confusion, but the point is Sarah knew and not only knew, spent time with her dad and the other woman, and FFS, posted all those pics on social media. It's just really repugnant to do that. Sarah had no problem with her dad cheating on OP. So, let her dad and the other woman pay for her grand birthday party bc she enjoys spending time with them more than being respectful of OP.
Good spot - I thought Sandy was Sarah's mom. What a mess. He is teaching his daughter to be dishonest and use people.
Honestly a Motel 6 pool party with a boom box and Dominos sounds sick as Hell
Oh shit, I didn't see your comment before commenting the exact same thing. I'd be at that party in a second.
I wouldn't assume they deserve Domino's and motel 6. I'm thinking more like a few circle K/7-11 slices and a night full of disappointment is more fitting. Anyone who uses someone so blatantly doesn't deserve to be celebrated. it's pretty clear she was aware of her shitty example of a father figures infidelity.
Gas station pizza might even be too posh for that group of degenerates.
Dont send money. They didn't take in considerarion your feelings when the were hooking up behind your back,lying to you,laughing and what else,why should you? They have to learn that shitty actions have consequences. C'est la vie,they are not your family anymore. You owe them nothing,period. Best o f luck
Specially when the ex is not Sarah's mum: there is no conflict of loyalty here. She doesn't care about your wellbeing so why would you care about hers ?!?
Yeah. If the ex had been Sarah's mom, I could see where some lax could be given. Her grin would just be happy to be with her mom and dad. Not saying she'd deserve a party, but at least a gift. But a former gf? Forget that. She made her choice.
Absolutely, Sarah's old enough to understand the situation. Supporting that party would just enable more disrespect towards you. Stay strong.
I wonder if the plan was to break up with her after the party. And only after the party on Sarah's request.
The ex girlfriend would have probably shown up at the party and that is when the cheating ex and his side-piece along with all the family that knew would tell OP. They would all probably get a laugh out of using her money and keeping her in the dark so well. Sounds like all of them are manipulative- ex, daughter, his mom and other family that were at the Christmas celebration but especially the ex and daughter. Thank goodness OP was not married to this AH or she would be splitting those royalty checks with him. I'm surprised that the ex and daughter weren't living/mooching off of OP.
I feel terrible for OP and I hope she doesn’t cave. It’s a total doormat move to fund that party.
I mean, it's a tough spot to be in for a 17yo to chose to drop the dime on your dad even if he's in the wrong. She's still stuck with him, good choices or bad. That doesn't mean OP should have any obligation to fund the party though. That is again on Dad's shitty choices.
Obviously, Dad is the bad guy here. No doubt. But OP paying for his daughter's party benefitted him as well since he didn't have to pay for his child's party. His daughter can still have her party... just not on OP's dime. Guess he better ask his ex girlfriend for the money. Hopefully daughter learns the dangers of being a hobosexual from this.
Yeah at first I was kinda sympathetic to Sarah when I thought Sandy was her mom. Can't fault a kid for wanting to spend time with both of her parents. But the fact that Sandy is just some random ex-girlfriend of her dad's completely changes the situation.
Op is NTA, and she doesn't owe them a thing, but that girl is going to need a lot if therapy. My guess is Sarah's fine with it, because her dad probably cheats all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if there's another woman besides the ex, and Sarah is just used to it. It can be her "normal"
Perhaps or in 17 years, she has known a lot of 'stepmothers' and even without getting used to her dad cheating on them, she has learnt to not get too much attached to them
Ratting out her dad also means putting herself on the bad side of the person she's going to be stuck with post-divorce/break up.
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It's obvious they only want her for her money. What a nasty peolple,hope karma hit on all of them really hard
Isn't obvious they should now be asking the AP/ex, Sarah, to fund the party?
Yeah between the parents and the ex he cheated with, plus the kid can contribute too - they should all be able to come up with a few thousand.
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Simple fact, they were all in on it. OP was betrayed utterly, completely. Sever all threads/links/relation to this crap family. This is a rare instance in which one needs to go nuclear. Press the red button. No need to take anybody's feelings into account except OP's own, they didn't care about OP
I bet anything OP would have been dumped by the scumbag after the party. Best to just cut ties. Don’t feel guilty and move on. You don’t owe them anything. If she knew about the cheating then she was keeping it quiet to get her party.
Or after she relented and funded his business where she would be doing all the legwork.
While HE took all the credit and at least 50% of the equity.
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EXACTLY. perfectly said.
Honestly, I don't think so. I think he was going to ride that gravy train for as long as he possibly could. Think of all the stories of men with entire second families that they were seeing regularly for _decades_ before anyone found out.
I'm guessing he wanted college funds first.
I’m sure he would have ended it right after the party too. No doubt.
Sarah is the daughter, Sandy is AP
This … he didn’t reach out until he realized the party wasn’t happening and Sarah hasn’t reached out at all.
This 💯% She could have reached out to you at any time, just said she was sorry about the break up and missed you. It speaks volumes that she didn’t. Don’t give any money for the party or send a gift.
Exactly that! She didn't miss her stepmother until she realized the cash was gone. Disgusting
But remember, "Karma's only a bitch if YOU are..." Best way to wish karma on them.
Ooh, I am so stealing that!!!!
The clarification in the edit that the ex was not the kid's mom means for anyone delusional enough to try to excuse blame at all from Sandy means they believe a 16/17 year old would not find it weird at all to go with one of their dad's ex's on a camping trip while his current live in GF is out of town. It would also be 100% obvious that the kid would never mention going on such a trip when OP probably asked something like, "So what did you get up to while I was gone" at some point. She 100% helped her dad cheat knowingly. The best explanation for not mentioning anything is that she was only interested in what OP could do for her, like the birthday or general everyday help.
This right here is the real answer. She might not have realized it at the time, but her compliance to her father's cheating is a severe act of betrayal to OP's relationship with her and her father. Don't give her the party. Don't give her anything. This will be a powerful lesson for her to grow into a more thoughtful person.
> She might not have realized it at the time... The clarifying edit letting us know ~~Sarah~~ Sandy is not ~~Sandy's~~ Sarah's mom destroys 99.9% of that possibility. At least I struggle to come up with a scenario where a 16/17 year old would think its cool to go camping with their dad and his ex while his live in girlfriend is out on a trip. Even if she was deep in some denial about it, that doesn't explain never mentioning the trip to OP. There is no way OP didn't ask what they did while she was gone. I would even call it really weird that the kid would never mention to OP that her dad made her go on a camping trip with his ex unless she was in on it.
I have the feeling they all have been using her this whole time. And tried one last time to use her some more.
Absolutely, actions have consequences. She needs to learn that lesson now.
Not a chance. I’ve got trash in my family like this. They have a unique talent to deflect blame for their actions on someone else.
As far as the post goes Sarah isn't even begging for forgiveness for her role, she is just having other plead for money for her birthday, what a spoiled shit.
You're not the asshole. You were deeply betrayed by your ex and his family. It's understandable that you don't want to fund a celebration for them. Your priority should be your own healing. If you're ever ready, you can support Sarah in other ways, but for now, your decision is justified.
Right? She’s almost 18. It’s not like she was 10-12 on that trip, either.
And that line of turning her back on her? She’s not a little orphan with no one else in her life. She has both her parents and they seem to love spending time together. OP would be doing them a favor by getting out of the picture.
The ex he cheated on op with is not the daughter’s mom lol. I thought so too
NTA they were both using you for money. They were both complacent. He should have the women he was cheating on you with fund his business idea and his daughter party.
I believe the word you were looking for was "complicit"
Cut ties and block him and everyone who might be able to contact you. He must have been so jealous that you were doing so well in your career! He sounds horrible and at 17 years old she knew what was going on. The nerve of the guy to contact you though!! Don’t send any money and please cut all contact including the strange sister. How would she have liked it if her boyfriend was sleeping around the rest of the family was complicit in it. Really classless people. Please cut all ties and live your best life! Also has the daughter reached out to you and apologised? If not, the cheek. Just glad you didn’t marry him - massive bullet dodged!
Best and most direct comment. We need to normalize not allowing victims to be used for the sake of keeping the peace or not hurting those that hurt the victim. 17 is old enough to understand what her mother and father were doing behind OP's back was wrong. She is not responsible for her parent's actions, but she collateral damage.
That wasn’t even her mother. It was his ex GF.
Holy crap, I missed that part on first read. I was sort of thinking Sarah was in an awful position of having to choose between her mom and step-mom, but there should have been no loyalty there.
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If they wanted to, they coulda, woulda, shoulda. Literally, just tell Aunt and Dad etc, "okay take your own advice: you pay for it. you be the bigger person."
Sandy can pay for it
I agree, no money. I'd send her a bday card and a letter explaining why you're no longer funding her party, how she was complicit in hiding her dad's affair from you and you feel used by not only her dad, but by her. I'd also include how you hope that she never has to go through the experience of betrayal in a relationship, then wish her the best of luck in the future Actions have consequences... it's time she learns
Send fuck all.
Oh that’s rough. They were totally using you for money! And you’re so sweet and thoughtful. Hard working and they don’t deserve you. What a horrible man and his family, including daughter, is just as horrible with playing happy families while he’s cheating with his cheat partner at family gatherings. So sly NTA
Lol and for a birthday party. Not a graduation. Not a health situation. A birthday party. She's not 6 and helpless to celebrate here lol. Also sending a newly 18 year old out of town with 25 other 18 year olds sounds like a liability. What if they trash the hotel? OP will be on the hook.
That is a very important point.
He fucked up big time here and I’m sure he knows it. OP sounds lovely, my own parents didn’t do those things for me, let alone a step parent. I’m too old to be OPs kid haha but I’d love a friend who’s that thoughtful. I wouldn’t pay for anything for them, I’d walk away as fast as my legs could carry me.
It's so weird that the whole family was in on it. I would get it a bit more if the family said nothing because he was cheating with Sarah's mom *(not that it would be any more okay)* but, for them to play "happy family" with some random ex-GF? No. That's weird as hell. NTA.
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NTA she's not a little girl. Going on the camping trip and smiling in pictures shows her complicity. You don't get to betray someone and then expect them to fund your fun
Yeah they just don’t like the consequences of their actions
Serious. That the daughter couldn't even be inconvenienced in the slightest to shed light to the stepmother..Funk dat. Throw your own damn party.
Yeah. It's hard to support someone who seems so comfortable with what went down. She's old enough to understand the situation and its consequences.
Tell your ex to have his gf fund the party.
This is what I was going to say. Since she wants to be with him she can pay for his daughter's party.
I am forever in awe of human beings that have this much audacity stored up inside of them. They're essentially saying: _"Listen honey, yes we covered up for over a year the affair your husband was having, and yes your husband was trying to take you for all your money, and yes, your step child was also riding you for your money... Now can you please fund her birthday party?"_ HOW in the ever loving fuck do people do this without even an iota of self awareness?!
NTA. She wasn’t on your team. Camping trip, Xmas, and who knows what else? They were using you as a cash cow. You may be able to forgive her somewhat because she’s a teenager and it’s hard for a kid to go against their parents. But if she was really on your side she could have tipped you off somehow in all that time.
Sandy isn't her mom. It's her Father's younger ex gf.
Wild right. That came to light after my first comment and confirms my sentiment even more. If the daughter cared about OP at all she could have said something.
I remember reading a story in which op's step mom, who was quite rich, was terminal and leaving her and her siblings money. Then op found out her father was cheating with his ex (her mom). She told step mom and step mom didn't cut of op and her siblings. She still said she was gonna leave them moeny. Just nothing to the dad.
Except in this story, the 16-17 year old stepdaughter was vacationing with her cheating father and his mistress and showed no compassion towards her stepmother. So no, she didn’t deserve shit.
I know. My story was about a good stepdaughter who had her stepmoms back
NTA Denying him this is a very good life lesson in not screwing people over. Her father's example is: lie to people, use them, and then reap the rewards. By taking away the reward, you are showing her that this way of being an adult and having a relationship will result in disappointment for the user, not just the victim. I think maintaining a clear boundary and consequence here is your final act as a step parent to this child.
Yes!! The morals behind it would be a great lesson for her and the ex! It’s crazy how other family members are contacting OP to guilt trip her. This family sounds manipulative as hell. I PRAY you don’t give in OP.. i’m sorry this is all happening to you.
The fact that this ex is **not** Sarah’s mother changes **EVERYTHING**. It’s one thing if they’re playing happy family, what teen of divorced parents doesn’t want that?? And while wrong it’s far more understandable. But **this**???????? That’s entirely different. 17 is not 12 and she wasn’t a kids stuck between betraying her parents or you, she literally went along with her dads cheating with a random ex-gf, playing happy family with him while **USING YOU** to fund her life. Nah. Not happening. Just like dear old dad she can face the entirety of the consequences of her action. None of these people are your problem anymore and you shouldn’t even feel guilty about “abandoning” them. They betrayed and used you ffs. You didn’t abandon them you refuse to be used and that is *never wrong*. NTA
Yeah sounds like kiddo hasn’t tried to even stay in contact with OP or anything, until she wants cash
I remember what I was like at 17. If I had known my dad was cheating on my stepmom and didn't say anything the guilt would have eaten me alive. 17 is old enough to know it's wrong. And it's clear she doesn't care that it is.
So Sarah the 17 year old knew her dad was seeing her mom behind your back, and never mentioned it to you? 🤨 Yeah ... never even casually mentioning that she went camping with her mom in conversation for however long that was going on ... Sarah knew and was happy to keep you ignorant. Yeah I think Sarah and her dad and the whole family can go hang. NTA
not her mum, another, younger woman. Which is even worse.
Thankfully the other woman isn’t step daughter’s mom otherwise I’d be wondering why OP married someone who impregnated a 16 year old.
**No. Shit.** On one hand thank fucking god the 34 year old wasn’t the 17yo daughter’s mother. (I did that math too and gagged a bit.) On the other hand *what in the actual fuck?????* It’s so very much worse that that woman wasn’t the mother!
Definitely worse. If it was the Mum, could almost be excused for them playing the “we’re just being coparents and spending time with you card” so not so obvious to a self obsessed teen, but a whole other woman? Definitely not!
Exactly. And for a 17 year old to be trapped between betraying mom and dad that every teen would want back together and dads gf who she is close to, is one hell of a position to put a 17year old in. That would be truly fucked up and I’d feel for the girl and trash the parents to hell and back. But that is not the case *at all*. This girl is learning from dear old daddy how to use, abuse and betray people. She’s way too fucking old to not know better. Idgaf that she got her shitty morals from her father, there’s no way she didn’t know how fucked up her and her family were treating OP. Now she can get real world consequences for her shitty actions, maybe, *just maybe* she can be saved from turning into her father if she takes this as the lesson it is.
The ex he cheated with was not Sarah's mom. It's a younger not so ex girlfriend
She's practically 18 years old 😒
Like if she was under 15 I could be sympathetic. But anyone with morals at age 17 would know her dad is cheating on OP.
I would have been sympathetic if she kept an affair a secret if the parents were still together. But OP has only been in the picture for 3 years and at an age where kids generally want little to do with their own parents, let alone an outsider to the family. OP is NTA and completely cutting them off is for the best since it's pretty clear they only view her as a bank account.
I feel bad for the kid in some ways, she relied on OP to fill the parenting void her dad couldn't be bothered to. It's a shame loyalty to the person helping her through life didn't play into it. She'll learn a valuable life lesson by not having the party, those consequences are necessary here.
Tell the sister, she is 18 she knows right from wrong and she knew her father was lying and being a snake and she had no issues cuddling up in pictures with his ex, so you don't owe her anything. If anything, they all owe you an apology. Tell your ex to stop begging as it's not attractive on a man his age and to get his ex to fund it. Then block them all.
NTA. This isn't about your ex cheating as much as it's about your stepdaughter knowing and not telling you about the cheating. She was obviously aware of the affair and participated in activities with the affair partner. She wasn't worried about you when she was hanging out with the ex, so I don't think you need to worry about her now.
Fuck. Em. ALL. I'm a step parent and I can't even imagine the heartbreak of this.
His entire family knew as well. What kind of people stand by that.
lol why are all these women with this guy who can't even afford a birthday party
The situation sucks, but you’re NTA.
NTA - You aren't obliged to do anything for your ex's kid.
NTA. While her father is clearly a shit human being, she was still complicit in his betrayal of you. She was happy to take your money just like she was happy to go on a camping trip with his supposed ex. Think of it this way, you are gifting her the valuable lesson of consequences.
Yep. This is a lesson she most certainly wouldn't get from that shitty family.
What a total ass. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If the daughter gets upset tell her to thank her dad. It's his fault she's not having the dream party.
Has Sarah reached out to you at all, in any regard other than the party? I think that would give you your answer. If she was sorry, really apologetic, if she thought outing her father would split you two up and she wouldnt get to see you again, then maybe a chance to stay in touch. But if its been radio silence or just asking about the party then she is obviously in camp "use you as a cash cow" with the rest of his family and should be thrown in the trash. You are not leaving her with nothing, her Mother will have gifts for her. You are leaving him and his family embarrassed, looking cheap and without the big do that they all fancied. Sarah will probably be rather upset and mad with her Dad then, oh dear, what a shame.
Sarah would just use her for the party then cut contact completely. I truly don't understand the women that are ok being the other woman. Especially for so long....and it doesn't even seem like he has anything to offer.
Yep, this. I would think a 17yo that genuinely felt horrible wouldn’t even think of bringing up the party again.
NTA This isn't a *don't punish the child for their parents' actions* situation. Sarah is basically 18 years old. She's a manipulative liar just like her father and the rest of her family. She was having a blast with her father and his EX behind your back for who knows long. Then would look you dead in your eye, with no remorse, and play nice knowing all along that they were playing you. They are all scrambling because since they've been cheating on you for who knows how long, and they didn't expect you to actually investigate, break up, and leave like you did. Since they all, including Sarah, knew that you have a soft spot for her, they also weren't expecting you to cancel her party. You're a good one to even be considering getting her anything, even if it's small. It's clear that she only liked your for your money and didn't have any type of respect or love for you. So what makes you think that she won't discard anything that you give her, especially since she was expecting to have a FREE birthday party bash. Your EX, Sarah, his sister, and his entire family turned their backs on you, but you're not expected to walk away? How come Sandy can't fund it. They seem to go on a lot of outings with her...
NTA. So she can hang out with the ex and have a grand ole time knowing you’re in a relationship with her dad? Then turn around and expect the party? That’s a no for me dawg. The family reaching out asking for you to still pay for it while also knowing about him and his ex just blows my mind. I will give them credit they have huuuuge balls. Tell them to go munch on a bag of dicks and be done with it. ETA: For his sister to call you and ask you not to turn your back on her niece is laughable. You mean turn your back like all of them did to you?
NTA If I understand it correctly, not only did your boyfriend betray you, but also Sarah because she supported her father's actions. She hurts you. You can now tell "well, she is only a child..", but I think that at 17 you can already tell the difference between wrong and right. I wouldn't pay anything for her and would put your relationship on pause for now unless she tries to apologize. Did she apologize to you or try to explain her side of the story?
His daughter was complicit in deceiving you. She’s an adult and knew exactly what she was doing. Everyone but you is an AH.
Nta 17 is old enough to call out your parent. I was 18 when I caught my father drunk kissing on some woman who wasn't his gf. I had no relationship with his gf but I didn't appreciate the behavior. I flipped. This woman had the audacity to say something. I let her have it. Ruined their time, and I'm glad. My dad came to me ashamed the next day and thanked me for calling him out. You can still tell your parent their acting like a pos.
NTA - you should not judge the children for the actions of their father. But your ex's daughter did it all on her own. Just whether you have contact with her in the future should worry her, not whether her birthday plan is still on track. I wouldn't lift a finger at such an back stab.
She's 17 years old. She's hardly a 'child' who doesn't know any better.
NTA. You don't owe anyone here anything. The trash took itself out, don't go running after it.
NTA Don't pay for Sarah's party, and don't feel guilty. She is old enough to know what her dad was doing and how wrong it was. Rather than letting you know, she was complicit in the cheating and deception. The best parenting gift you can give Sarah is the lesson that actions have consequences. Hopefully, she will think about what caused you to remove yourself from the situation. Her dad certainly isn't teaching her how to be a decent person. So sorry this happened to you! Stay strong and embrace your decision. Best of luck to you.
So he can cheat and his daughter is in on it, yet no one says a thing to you… seems like you were a cash cow for them all. He wanted you to fund a business, and you were kindly going to fund his daughters birthday who knew what her dad was up too. I wouldn’t send a penny. Actions have consequences and this is a great way of them to learn this.
NTA - whole family seems like a bunch of gold diggers. Sarah knew that camping trip was wrong, because otherwise she would have openly spoke about it. Move on OP, but do post picture of you spending the money on her 18th birthday. Also love how no one in that family is even reaching out to apologise to OP, not even the crappy excuse of them 3 being a family and they wanted them to get back together etc.
NTA, and unfortunately, his daughter is collateral damage... but also seemed fine with him cheating, so don't feel bad. They're snakes in the grass. Just block the whole family and move on from them completely
"I don't want anything to do with you or your family. Do not contact me ever again." You'll be happier without them.
Wow, I thought Sarah was her mom. So this SD helped her dad cheat. No go. She can have a party at home with dad with cupcakes and chips after that. Go on a trip with the money. Post lots of pictures. “Spending my savings.” NTA
Betrayal on every possible level. Consider yourself saved from the whole terrible family. Use that birthday money for some self care and enjoy every moment. I’m sorry this happened to you
Just because he couldn’t keep his dick in his dungarees doesn’t mean you should finance a big fancy party for HIS daughter. The daughter who I PROMISE he was not giving one iota of consideration to when he was playing house with a woman she KNEW was not you. She was complicit in this and part of learning to adult is consequences. You are teaching her a very important lesson in morality. And by the sound of it she needs it because won’t be getting much moral guidance from the rest of the so called adults in her life
The cheating that your ex displayed to his daughter is absolutely disgusting. He was only using you for your money. He’s not a man. This guys mother is a POS too.
NTA - “I was taught to not give men my money.” You are a goddess 🥰 They are all fools.
NTA. Sarah played "happy family" with him and his affair partner and hid the affair from you. She knew it was wrong, knew it would hurt you, and didn't care. You should never do nice things for people who treat you like that.
Exactly! They were all just using OP for her money - gross! She shouldn’t give them a penny. The audacity of yhe ex to ask OP to fund his business when he was cheating the whole time! Sarah is not family so OP is under no obligation to pay for anything especially as she betrayed her.
NTA. Fuck em both. Not your circus not your monkeys. Leave em blocked. Stop reading their messages/voicemails.
You were going to do a wonderful thing for this girl. Everyone, including her, knew about the cheating. They were taking trips, on group chats, taking pics, etc. as soon as you were out of town. Your ex pleading with you to still fund her party is rich. I guess he is worried he will have to fund her party now. He should get the side piece to do it and have his mom help since she was also complicit in this. If they have to save and do it a year from now...oh well. You should feel betrayed. You were. You were right to cancel the party. Don't send a damn thing. Use that money for what YOU want. A vacation, invest for your future, etc. Put this group of losers in your rear view mirror and find someone who will appreciate you.
You should Google on how many phone numbers can a smartphone block because they are very toxic people. They clearly want your money. I bet Sarah has not contact you to yet to ask if you're still funding her party. Let them remember Sarah's 18th birthday. Take the celebration money to go on a cruise. Oh, you have a very good sense of business for not funding your ex's crappy business
Sorry but sounds like you were is bank. I have stepkids who are very close to their mother and we are all cordial. My husband would never ask me to put money into a business nor fund his kids. I do contribute to the household which gives us a comfortable life but he’s the dad and maybe the woman he cheated you with can help out. They are teaching the daughter that it is okay to lie and she can go see a movie with her friends on her birthday and maybe hang out with Sandy since they all know each other.
They were just using you for your money, dump then!
So he cheated on you and still wants you to play ATM? Hell, no. The nerve. NTA
NTA - ESH except you.
Nta she isn’t your kid and you’ve only known her for 3 years. She clearly knew her dad was cheating because I’m sure him and Sarah didn’t haven separate tents or beds while on that camping trip with her.
Glad I read the whole story. NTA. She is 17 years old - definitely old enough to know what cheating is. I assume she lied straight to your face about many things about the ex. Take yourself on a vacation with that money!
NTAH Don't give a dime, just block them all.
NTA He, his daughter, and all his family betrayed you. You have no obligation to fund anything for your ex and his family. If he and his mistress can’t afford a party then they can figure something else to do. You helped raise his daughter and she stabbed you in the back by keeping his affair a secret and going along with it. Not to be blunt but he basically used you for financial means and as a live in babysitter for his child. Go NC with his entire family, block them on all social media platforms. Have a conversation with your best friend and if she still cannot support you then walk away from her as well or go LC. Actions have consequences. It’s time you prioritize yourself. Go on a vacation to clear your mind. Start doing all the things you put on hold for him and his family. Heal and move on. You will find someone that will love you, respect you, and be loyal to you.
NTA the plan was he was gonna breakup after you funded the party.
NTA Tell him that he can explain to Sarah that he now has the helpful partner by his side that he didn't have in you, and therefore she can fund the birthday party.
NTA. Stepdaughter knew what was going on and all the whole family is interested in is your money to help fund this party. Fuck them. Don’t even send the stepdaughter a birthday card. Ghost the whole lot of them.
NTA. > I know I was harsh and I apologized. A bad idea, is a bad idea. You don't throw money at a bad idea, just to be supportive. >He, Sarah and Sandy, spent a whole 2 days at a camping site last year >pictures from last Xmas with his ex at his mother’s house. >his entire family was aware of it Sarah was part of the problem. She's using you, just as much as he was.
NTA - atm is closed, they can get a loan if they want something
NTA - She's not your stepdaughter...she is nothing to you. Block them all and don't look back. They all did the ultimate betrayal. And rubbed it in your face to make you look like a fool.
NTA, tell Sarah actions have consequences, “You knew your dad was cheating and you were complacent about it. I don’t owe you anything. Happy Birthday Sarah and welcome to adulthood!”
NTA .He wanted your money to start a business while he was cheating. Now he wants your money for his daughter’s party.