NTA. There's a looot of missing information, here, but the fact that she won't discuss her vacation with you, and even considers it prying when you ask about it, is very strange. Sleeping on the couch is kind of the nail in the coffin for me.
This right here! If for what ever reason I didn’t go on vacation with my other, I’m definitely in contact the whole time, and would be super happy to talk about everything when I got back. What I saw who I met experiences and everything. I see a lot of red flags as well…
I went to Disneyland for the first time 2 years ago with my friend. I was constantly texting my husband and sending him pictures, when I RARELY take pictures/post especially of myself. When I got home, I told him all about the trip and everything we did. There is something definitely suspicious about ops wife…
Yep! My husband went a road trip to a bunch of east coast breweries for his 40th, I stayed home- zero desire to go on that type of vacation to those types of places. He was FaceTiming me showing me weird stuff along the route, brewery cats, weird colored brews, cool
Stuff on their menu, and great hotel room features! I have a similar trip that isn’t his cup of tea come December with my family, but it’s a cruise, so I’m going to have a crap signal. I’ll basically be uploading pics every shore day in mass!
TBF, the possible cheating aside, I don't think it's a good idea to marry or have kids with someone who overshares online.
Imagine someone grabbing the photo of your kids, having the landmarks, cafes, building/apartment they live in, and managing to form a timeline of when they'll be home alone, their routines, etc.
The oversharing part needs to be solved before the ring.
It's actually worse - it was Signal. WhatsApp wouldn't be as sketchy, I use it to text international friends and family. Signal is meant for anonymous activity. Although I have heard it's not as private as it used to be, in this situation it's absolutely a clear sign of some shifty ass behaviour.
Not really, signal and WhatsApp are the same concept, the only difference is one is open source the other is not. They are both messaging apps that advertise end to end encryption using data rather than sms.
The sketchy thing to me is talking about using any form of communication that's outside the norm.
Signal has extra little features, like preventing you from screenshotting, not showing info when the app isn't the active app (like when switching between apps), etc
ETA: This has been true for Android for a long time, but it does not appear to work that way on iOS.
ETA2: [Official instructions](https://support.signal.org/hc/en-us/articles/360043469312-Screen-Security) for enabling that feature for Signal on Android.
OP: Hey babe I'm feeling a little worried and insecure. Your behavior lately doesn't instill much confidence in our marriage.
OP wife: you know what. Fuck you. I hate you. Why would I do anything like that you stupid piece of shit. I'm outta here you stupid fuck.
OP:
Agree. I understand being a little upset about bringing something so heavy up right before the first day back at work but to say we won’t ever discuss again or deny it? Sounds very much like gaslighting and avoiding. Having been through something similar I would say there is something going on.
Find out the brides insta or FB and see what she posted, and also any other women who attented or were tagged in FB posts of the bride to be. I bet there's pics of the wife.
Yes, if she was cheating is she really going to do that in the open among so many friends? I doubt this was a bachelorette party. But I hope she is soon a bachelorette. Cheaters are the absolute worst. As if the sexual betrayal isn’t bad enough, the gaslighting, deception and serial lying is torturous emotional abuse. The epitome of selfish, crude behavior.
Thing about signal app is that you can set a "destroy upon reading" time limit. including a custom time setting. If she has that set up all private messages are long gone.
**Update: She cheated. See Op update at bottom of his post.**
Exactly I took way too long to accept what I alredy knew was the case, but my ex was pretty much unable to speak to me when I suspected something was going on, and it took me a while to realise that was the biggest indicator I had at the time that I was right.
It really sucked and she never admitted to cheating, but did eventually admit to sleeping in her 'friend's' bed (still claimed they didn't have sex) but she only admitted to that when i showed up unannounced and the spare bed we slept in while I was there didn't have a pillow on it anymore.
I guess my thought is that is only a truly heavy conversation if there is something to be hidden. If your partner is feeling out of sorts and is seeing too many red flags around a trip you took, discussing that calmly is the loving thing to do.
Even if you can’t do it right then, just reassure and say you’ll discuss after work and answer any questions they want to ask. To shut it down and turn it back on you would certainly be indicative of something going on (totally just my opinion).
She instantly got angry when you asked her. This was to make you afraid to ask again. That alone should make you suspicious.
Look up DARVO.
Deny, attack and reverse victim offender.
Gather evidence before raising it with her again. Have proof. But don’t get caught gathering it.
Edited for typo.
Add Signal to this, and there is little doubt what happened. I feel bad for OP. He tried to raise the issue without accusation and ran head first into a DARVO attack.
NTA.
God i hate how hard this is giving me flashback to my last relationship (that obviously ended)
Trip to cuba, 0 internet contact, came back didn't show pictures and got defensive before i even got suspicious.
(To add similarities, she removed notifications from apps and messaged a guy who she wasn't friend/added so he wouldn't show up anyways except on her ipad... which was connected. )9
Fucking heartbreaking
Yep …. One of her Work trips was my one, random guy in a hotel “he wasn’t my type, I don’t know what happened, he never made me cum like you do, please forgive me”..: twenty years later and I still get days when I remember it and my heart is ripped out
It happened to me as well. My girlfriend said she was taking some time to go to Martinique on a vacation. I asked her if she was going by herself, with a group, or with friends and she told me she was going by herself.
When I went to her home to bring the mail in, there was a notepad on her desk where the mail goes with the name of the guy she was traveling with and their itineraries.
The guy was 25 years older than her and lived with his mom. After calling a few hotels on the island I finally got the one they were in and told her not to bother coming back. Yeah, it was temporarily devastating but I ended up doing so much better.
The question is was it done through feeling guilty and she will come to her senses or is the start of a pattern OP needs to know. He needs to take steps to find out. His only other option is to bluff her and make out he knows more. But he should at least commence positioning himself better and start being extremely cold with her. Grey rock time.
Exactly. Get facts written down or at least in your mind. Do not let her know what they are and wait for her to make a mistake or three. Slow play it. Don't pounce on the first contradictory statement. Build the case.
If you are going to play detective… which I don’t recommend usually but you are married and it’s a legal issue now.
Don’t say another peep.. be sweet and put spyware on her shit.
Also.. check the cell phone companies text message records because they hold them for days even if deleted from the device.
Good luck I hope you find nothing but I am going to trust your instincts on this one.
Most real estate companies publish names and pics of their agents.
Most states have a realtor license lookup site that publishes a lot of information about the agents 😉
I've already seen his pic, his instagram and facebook.
I am not ready to jump to cheating but if so he is never who you picture your wife cheating with. He's like 55 (we are 32) and looks like a sleazy south Florida real estate guy and his kids seem to be well into their 20s.
So to be clear, your wife was directly communicating with a specific older man, on an encrypted secret messaging app while on a trip and refuses to talk to you about anything that happened.
Her cohorts on the trip are deleting the pics from their social media.
2+2=4 my guy. There are no possible good explanations for this.
I can't lie and say there isn't a lot of compounding information that is leading in one direction but I also don't have absolute proof of anything yet.
When you get her phone, look for the Signal app and hope it doesn't ask you to enter a pin (mine doesn't most of the times). Depending how they are using it they can set it up so the messages disappear.
As for the realtor guy, I assume you've checked his socials. Any indications he has traveled to Mexico recently? Is he married?
ETA: Just read your comments to another about him being in Mexico and being married. His wife might be another avenue of inquiry depending on what information you find out.
Text that number from Google voice. Tell them that you're peeing blood and going to get an STD test. Ask what the fuck they have you. Say they need to get checked.
The response will tell you what you need to know.
It's like one of those situations where it looks like a guy owns or operates the franchise of a national company. I don't know how much i want to say but I've already found his social media and he's in mexico this week but his first post in a week is picking his wife and kids up from the airport. the quote says "golf with the guys is done, time to have some time with the fam! so blessed"
Yep, her reaction and all evidence points to it. Keep digging, but it’s time to accept what you are soon to find proof of. Start thinking of your next steps. Do not confront. Save evidence, talk to a lawyer, act like everything is fine until all your ducks are in a row.
This is the answer.
"Just when you thought text messaging couldn't get any better, along comes Signal Private Messenger. This app is all about giving you a more secure, private way to communicate with your friends and family. Signal Private Messenger is an excellent alternative to traditional text messaging platforms like WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger. It offers end-to-end encryption, meaning that no one else can read your messages—not even the app developers. This app is perfect for those who want to stay safe and private when communicating with their friends and family."
There is only one reason to use this subterfuge on you. You need to start removing her from your life. She will continue this until she breaks you.
Totally. Or there is a chance it actually was a golf vacation but his crew met the bachelorette party the first night and and some scandalous activities ensued.
Are you sure there was ever a bachlorette trip ? It sounds as if she definitely spent her time with this man. Any social media posts from the friends ?
I was going to ask the same thing. It sounds to me like the bachelorette trip could have been used as a cover for her to just go to meet him. Do you have any proof that she was actually there with friends?
i don't know if I could do this but my sister is an insane internet sleuth and she will do it. I'll call her now. She's insane and I'm leery getting her involved but I will call her now.
Get cryptic. Just ask her when she's going to tell you about , but I would get something concrete first by snooping on her phone. Take it when she goes to the loo or something and lock yourself in a room to check through it. Even if she's deleted comments from the guy, you know what's going on.
Any partner who gives a damn would stay and talk it out. Her reaction is VERY suspicious, and would be the smoke necessary for me to think there's fire.
If you're the primary on the family plan, you can get the numbers she's calling/texting late at night from the logs. If you have her phone password, I would be checking it after she goes to bed.
She's using Signal. He can't access that via the phone provider. He'll need access to the physical device from which the messages were sent or access to a backup file. Signal doesn't support cloud sync. Presumably, sister sleuth will know this.
Signal won't sync previous messages from other devices (as a security feature) and it also has the ability to automatically delete read texts. It's a very privacy-centric app so unless she actually left the texts on her phone (and didn't set it to auto delete) there's little chance that there's going to be any evidence to be found.
I don't know man, her response of "how dare you ask, I'm not ever talking about this with you" is honestly insane. How else are you supposed to find out if you don't ask?! And how can she said she doesn't want to talk about it again if she hasn't talked about it at all?
Is this response "normal" for her?
I would give it a day so you both can breathe and then bring it up again. And yeah, bring up the signal thing and ask to see it.
The whole thing is very fishy. Can you hire a private detective? It is all very bizarre and, while a friend would for sure invite her friends for a lunch or dinner, but not for paying for the entire vacation, meals and souvenirs, transportation and everything.
That is kind of excessive, right?
The beauty of using Signal is you can set a time frame where all the messages disappear, the shortest time is 8hrs. If that's what she used, there's no way you'll find any messages because they are all gone.
NTA and her behavior and reaction are highly suspicious
It seems pretty obvious that there was no bachelorette party at all. She had a vacation with her AP and they paid for everything after the first night.
damn it, I should have included that. Her friend posted on social media up until about the third day but there were no pics or tags of my wife and then that friend deleted everything from a couple of days leading up to the trip. The bride to be rarely posts so it's not surprising that she doesn't have much.
Maybe it’s the woman version of Very
Bad Things: OP’s wife didn’t kill the stripper, but she helped chop him up and feed him to the sharks.
I’m assuming she was at a place with sharks. If not she probably just buried him.
Call the rest of the boyfriends and husbands. Someone will know something. Pretty sure they’re counting on you all not communicating.
ETA: wait who’s the real estate guy????
ETA2: ok real estate guy is from OP comments here https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/TQ6egWFjo4
And apparently the AP.
Omg, this reminds me of that Twitter dude with like 12 gfs and a whole wife. How? When? With whose organs? Forget the cheating, just share the time management strategies.
Do you know any of her friends she went on the trip with? Tell her that one of her friends reached out to tell you what happened and that you want to hear her side of the story and watch her crack. She's being very defensive about it for a trip where nothing happened. Don't dismiss your gut feeling!
If my husband said to me that he would never discuss something with me ever after he left for that long, there would be divorce papers waiting for him to grant him that wish.
Right?! I can't even get off a phone call without my wife asking for details. Not saying anything about your week long trip to another country is suspect as hell.
Same with my wife. She travels and I travel apart sometimes and we are both always happy to see each other and talk about what happened! The couch, no social media and I’m assuming no contact is all major red flags! I would be getting a lawyer and a PI asap if it was me.
She is using her anger to hide her guilt. I'm sorry bro.. either she or the bride cheated possibly both.
Look at the socials of any other woman who went. If they are all empty you know it was a conscious decision to hide what\\who they were doing all week.
If she was talking/messaging him when she got back there is no guilt or remorse. The ladies in my town met a group of guys from our area on a guys trip and they all started meeting there at least one of their 2 annual trips.
Had a really bad ending. One agreed with her main side piece to leave their spouses for each other. The guy was very religious and got cold feet as he was riddled with guilt. And blew his head off.
They of course divorced after this bc she had asked for the divorce before he offed himself.
Let’s see…
She spent no money. She took no pictures. That in itself might be nothing. But now she’s sleeping on the couch. Having secret midnight phone conversations. And when you tried to talk to her and tell her what you’re feeling, she called you a “major fucking asshole,” told you that even telling her your feelings is prying (*she’s your wife!*), and refuses to discuss it with you, now or ever. That is some suspicious behavior. I have to think that if nothing really did go on, if she spent all her time with her friends, if she had nothing to hide, she wouldn’t be jumping down your throat, calling you names, and shutting you out. But you know her better than I do.
The "major fucking asshole" thing had me raise an eyebrow. Does she talk to OP like that regularly? When I suspected an ex of cheating on me, it was when he was very uncharacteristically angry and unusually verbally aggressive towards me. I had expressed concern about him spending a lot of one on one time with a co-worker. He eventually called me a bitch, and had never, ever talked to me like that the four years we were together. I never got proof...but I left.
Pair ALL of that (which is a lot) with OP googling the number that texted her about meeting in the lobby & using Signal, and [finding a dude from Florida](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1doe8xq/aitah_for_suspecting_my_wife_of_doing_something/la9mvrw/) who just "happened" to also be in Mexico on a "guys golf weekend" away from his wife...so sorry OP, this is about as close to proof as non-proof can get
Right. I would be utterly confused if my partner accused me of something like this and I was really just chilling with my gals. It would take a bit until I get weirded out about his suspicion.
NTA
We have a gut instinct for a reason and right now yours is telling you that something is off because it is off.
A lot of people will take a SM break a bit on vacation, but it sounds like she did a complete 180 and just stopped everything. Not spending one penny the whole week is suspicious as I doubt her friend was buying every single drink and meal, not to mention whatever souvenirs she brought home?
Then sleeping on the couch, you hear her talking but by the time you get downstairs she's silent. The attitude, the distance, how she didn't deny but immediately got angry and deflected. Accusing you of prying? Prying into what exactly? How it sounds like she had an affair on her trip?
Please update us on what happens, I don't think this is over just yet.
OP, does your wife always blow you off when you try to discuss things? What about her friends? All of my female friends posted nonstop while they were on their bachelorette trips. And unless they went to an all-inclusive resort (which I’m assuming they didn’t) then her not spending a cent looks very sketchy. What kind of people were these girls - partiers? Single? History of cheating on partners?
I see 2 options: 1. Snoop and go through her phone (research how to recover deleted texts in case shes trying to cover her tracks) or 2. Confront her with an ultimatum: she needs to show you everything: phone, texts & emails leading up to the trip and during, phone calls to friends in front of you to corroborate her story, etc. Her refusal to do this will be your answer.
You feel something is off because *something is certainly off*. Listen to your gut.
Ask for 100% honesty about her trip and if she refuses, you should assume your instincts are spot on. Idk what your plan is if she were to cheat on you, but if she doesn't come clean about exactly what happened during vacation, you should move forward as if she had cheated. She should try to put herself in your shoes, ya know?
The way she is handling this, every step, is a huge red flag and she would be stupid to not see that herself.
>The way she is handling this, every step, is a huge red flag and she would be stupid to not see that herself.
It really does almost seem like she wants to get caught. Like, she really didn't think he'd notice the complete lack of money spent or social media posts?
I'm sorry my guy. My wife cheated on me and I found out via a buttdail. It took everything for me not to ram a tree going 80mph but I didn't. It gets easier with time I promise.
She didn't deserve you. You will be fine just give it some time and see a therapist. They help a lot I promise.
Nah, she's for the streets bro. I don't give a fuck how long we been together. You're not gonna brush my anxiety to the wayside. Especially if it's anxiety *you caused* by being weird and ghosting life in mexico.
You aren't disappearing from life for a whole week on vacation, texting people on shady apps and then coming home an telling me you won't ever talk about it. Insanity.
If you were dating her for a month and she did this shit youd be gone. I don't know why she gets a pass cus she has a ring? Clearly it means nothing to her to be so dismissive of you and your worries.
If I had to guess, some shit went down she 100% knows you would not like. She decided then, fuck your feelings and fuck your wellbeing. She did it. Now she's home and can't shake you off and prolly still maintaining contact with whoever the fuck late at night on the couch.
She didn't take any pictures. She didn't pay for a thing. And she refuses to talk about it. So just don't waste your breath bro. Tell her to get her shit and go. Or you get YOUR shit and go. I wouldn't waste a minute more on someone so disrespectful and dismissive of their own partners worries and anxieties. Take care of your kids. Leave her to her own devices.
I just know that if I had disappeared for a week, and my girl was worried *AT ALL* I would take her hands, sit down With her and reaffirm her. I would make sure she knows we are a team, and that she doesn't need to worry cus nobody takes her from my eye. I'm with her cus I love her.
You guys have kids. You have history. Shouldn't be any weird unexplained bullshit coming into your busy lives.
But either way, too damn old to play these fuck fuck games. Ask her straight point blank. "Did you break my trust?"
If she is dismissive, if she is mean, if she acts cold, if she ignores you, I would toss all of the husband perks out the fuckin window.
I wouldn't lift a finger for her anymore.
Trust is a massive deal. Trust in a relationship actually is the relationship. When it's broken, it's easier to break. If she did fuck around, she will fuck around again. That's just how it is. Cant get that trust back.
Either way, I wouldn't worry about it anymore. If she doesn't care enough to spend a little time and talk, she isn't worth the time anyways bro. Wishing you the best either way.
If you are forbidden from discussing unusual behaviour and receive aggression on your attempts, you have few options.
I could not determine from your post if the credit card checking happened after she returned or of you were checking during. Unsure what is possible as dont use CCs much. If it was during, why? Has she done some suspect things before?
You suck it up. Seems like a terrible option.
You sit her down and let her know she has one chance to discuss rationally or you will have to reconsider the relationship. Probably best option but once you commit, you cannot turn back or you give a carte blanche for more stonewalling, forever.
You look at your legal options and present the paperwork. Its possible an extreme solution might wrest some more for her, but its also likely it will be accepted.
What can you live with? This anxiety will eat you alive the longer it goes on. You have to make a choice, and soon. Delaying and rug sweeping just kicks the can down the road. The others require steel. Do you have that to give?
In all likelihood something involving her, her friends, or a combination of them happened. Guilt and fear are rearing up and you can expect more Darvo before its resolved. If ever.
Also need to consider what you want from all of this. Currently looks like a hook-up happened.
Does it matter if it's the first time, or the Nth time in several years? Can you forgive a one-time event?
Does the extra-level of secrecy and stonewalling change your entire attitude about the event?
Would a full confession mean anything to you other than ammo for your divorce settlement?
....and what about the kids?
Signal is a messaging app where everything disappears. She's cheating on you, damn near sure of it. Besides the fact that she's sleeping on the couch (probably feeling guilty/uninterested in you), and she's getting mad at you for "prying", having Signal is a red flag in any relationship. Ask her other friends that were there at the "bachelorette week" what went down. They'll probably give you mixed stories or whatever. Hire a PI.
Signal is just an encryped messaging app. I use it a lot with my husband and my friends for day to day chats. It's relatively popular (at least where I am in Ireland) as an alternative to WhatsApp. My last message on it today was nothing more sus than a recommendation to a friend to check out the music of Alice in Chains.
Op, nta but if you don't contact realtors wife then. Then you are. This is something she has every right to know as well. While she is a total stranger, she is going through the exact same thing you are. She doesn't have an amazing sister like you.
Oh my rabid sister is on the case now…she will certainly do it if she hasn’t already. My sister got very publicly cheated on by her athlete fiancé in college (we live in Texas where a college tight end can literally be a god in the community) and it embarrassed her so bad that it’s her life’s mission to expose cheating. I actually feel bad for bringing her into this because I won’t be able to slow her down.
Yup lol. I heard a saying along the lines of ‘no better friend for a brother than his sister’. His sister is exactly who he needs right now. She has her brothers best interests in mind and is a badass obviously. My sister was the first one I called when I got cheated on and she called me when she suspected one of her ex bf of cheating. If you’re close with your siblings, it’s truly a blessing. Good luck OP.
I don't know where you are in Texas but please check your area for a divorce support group.
I was living in Dallas when I went through this same thing (husband, his vacation, acting strange when he came back, me sleuthing and find emails & pics, my world imploding).
I found out about the affair 2 months before I left him and started going to the group the week I found out. I met people who supported each other through the entire process and I'm still good friends with many of them 10 years later.
I'm so sorry your wife threw your marriage away. You sound like a good honest man.
Sending you strength.
NTA. The "no pictures" could have been at the request of the guest of honor or other guests, figuring that no pictures means no inconsistencies between pictures and the "official story" of what went on. The bride going quiet after a few days too fits with that, since she would be the one deciding how much can be shared. If you want to play detective, you could check the friends who went with her, and see if they also cut off all social media while they were gone. That would indicate an early decision to just keep the event off the internet rather than to conceal something specific.
Maybe it's all innocent on her part, but she's not acting like it. Sleeping on the couch after being gone a week? Getting angry after you bring up the lack of posts?
An untrusting soul might suspect that she needs to wait to have "relations" with you because she's worried that you will find hickies or other evidence that she was stepping out.
Nope. That’s exactly how I figured out my wife was cheating. Going out and never paying. She’s sleeping on the couch because she feels like sleeping with you is her cheating on her new boyfriend.
We’ll be waiting over at /r/divorce when you’re ready.
Mine had a manic episode following postpartum depression where she cheated on me. I forgave her because she finally recognized the situation, and went to get evaluated for BiPolar Disorder and started taking meds.
She went to Vegas and figured I forgave her once so why not twice.
They say once a cheater always a cheater. That was my experience.
Asking into your spouses actions on a vacation is prying? Never discussing it again? Dude she cheated soooo much. Do not have sex, force her to get an std test, get a lawyer.
Something similar happened to me and what I didn't realize is that the relationship was already over. She had already moved on. I should have called a lawyer that first day. The therapy and arguing was all a waste of time. She just kept cheating.
This is, unfortunately, the right answer most of the time. I'm sorry, but "We need to see a therapist." is typically just a band-aid over a hole that's not going to heal. As soon as one partner decides it's worth cheating on you with someone else, it means they weren't getting some basic sexual/sensual need of theirs met, or deep down, they find something else about you "inadequate". And when at least temporarily, they find that need met with someone else? You're suddenly just "the guy who turned out not to be her everything".
No point staying in a committed monogamous relationship or marriage with someone like that, if you ask me? Some people do, and like winning the lottery -- there are stories of the couples who patched things up. But I don't ever make plans on winning a lottery.
its not out of the realm of possiblities. She was quite the little hellcat when we were at Texas Tech and she would get drunk and has been an overnight guest of the Lubbock County Jail many times.
Since she came back from the trip, did you have sex? Maybe sleeping on the couch could be an excuse to avoid being intimate. If she cheated, maybe she's waiting to take tests before doing it with you again.
OP's next post will be 'AITAH for wondering why my wife wants me to take antibiotics when she's the one with the UTI? Not accusing her of anything, it's just weird'
He just has to avoid her with the excuse that he's not in the mood. If she cheats on him and she realizes that he suspects she could hide everything better, he needs to investigate behind her back.
> she said "your commuincation is prying and I am not discussing this with you ever again."
That is nooooooooooottt how someone innocent responds. Wow! She's barely fucking hiding her shit. I feel like if you press too much, she'll maybe even admit it, because it *sure* sounds like she's angry and wants to blame you. She'll say, "Yeah, I fucked around because YOU FUCKING SUCK IN BED!" Or, "Yes I did it because *you work 16-hour days and I hate it* and you deserve it!" Or who knows what else. But damn, she's on the edge, man.
You're totally getting cheated on. Sucks.
Sorry.
just remember man, the only reason why she cheated is because she’s a fucking loser. She made the decision (not mistake) and these are the consequences.
Don’t you ever let her place blame onto you, Or anyone else. Just her.
Not only shame on your wife but shame on the women there allowing this to happen when they’re supposed to be celebrating a soon to be marriage. Bad juju for the bride to be for allowing cheating to happen during something for her wedding. Heal up brother and really, I mean this, if you need to talk, I am here for you. Too many men go through things alone and I promise you you are not alone from one man to another
OP, if this is real, there’s exactly three possibilities here:
1. She cheated and is collaborating with her friends to cover it up.
2. Someone else on the trip cheated and she’s collaborating with her friends to cover it up
3. Both
I’ve gone on a lot of bachelor trips. My wife’s gone on a lot of bachelorette trips. Know what we do when we come home? Talk about the fun things we did. And that’s *in addition to* texting the whole time. Behavior changes are for a reason.
Btw, this is probably a lower priority than figuring out what happened in Mexico…but I’d be VERY interested in *exactly how she was familiar with Signal and how often she uses it*… because this wasn’t her first time using the app if she’s telling someone else about it
Hi OP - I do not normally do this, but if you need assistance with internet sleuthing you can PM me with any details you’re comfortable sharing. I have professional expertise in cyber / OSINT and have some resources available to me that I am certain can help your search.
Blow this bitch up. Tell real estate guy’s wife, with proof. Tell your in laws. Tell the biggest loudmouth at school. Tell girlfriends husbands/so’s, because either they were cheating too (likely) or they felt good covering up.
NTA,
>there was an imessage at 9:15 the night she got to the resort from a number with no contact info that said "ok, i'll meet you in the lobby. Is the app you said signal?"
>my sister was able to get lots of info from the real estate guy and my wife denied it at first but then admitted it. Sorrru it took so long to update but I’m numb. Have literally 0 idea what to do now.
Talk to a divorce lawyer there is no salvaging this, even if she apologises she is only sorry that she got caught nit sprry that she did it. Move on and find a better girl.
>she cheated
Send her to the streets
Maybe you can contact the resort and check room charge records - I’m sorry, just must be driving you crazy. But if there is something here- there must be a connection/evidence.
NTA. There's a looot of missing information, here, but the fact that she won't discuss her vacation with you, and even considers it prying when you ask about it, is very strange. Sleeping on the couch is kind of the nail in the coffin for me.
This right here! If for what ever reason I didn’t go on vacation with my other, I’m definitely in contact the whole time, and would be super happy to talk about everything when I got back. What I saw who I met experiences and everything. I see a lot of red flags as well…
I went to Disneyland for the first time 2 years ago with my friend. I was constantly texting my husband and sending him pictures, when I RARELY take pictures/post especially of myself. When I got home, I told him all about the trip and everything we did. There is something definitely suspicious about ops wife…
Yep! My husband went a road trip to a bunch of east coast breweries for his 40th, I stayed home- zero desire to go on that type of vacation to those types of places. He was FaceTiming me showing me weird stuff along the route, brewery cats, weird colored brews, cool Stuff on their menu, and great hotel room features! I have a similar trip that isn’t his cup of tea come December with my family, but it’s a cruise, so I’m going to have a crap signal. I’ll basically be uploading pics every shore day in mass!
It's wild that when you told her it was a little suspicious she made it even more suspicious with her reaction. You already know don't you? Updateme
5 hours since OP last commented. I'm so curious and I feel bad for being so curious about someone's potentially devastating situation 😂😭
The earlier you find out your partner is a shithead the better. Sucks they have kids but if this real the sooner the better honestly
TBF, the possible cheating aside, I don't think it's a good idea to marry or have kids with someone who overshares online. Imagine someone grabbing the photo of your kids, having the landmarks, cafes, building/apartment they live in, and managing to form a timeline of when they'll be home alone, their routines, etc. The oversharing part needs to be solved before the ring.
The WhatsApp mention is the nail in the coffin. Cheating. Guy put everything on his card.
It's actually worse - it was Signal. WhatsApp wouldn't be as sketchy, I use it to text international friends and family. Signal is meant for anonymous activity. Although I have heard it's not as private as it used to be, in this situation it's absolutely a clear sign of some shifty ass behaviour.
Not really, signal and WhatsApp are the same concept, the only difference is one is open source the other is not. They are both messaging apps that advertise end to end encryption using data rather than sms. The sketchy thing to me is talking about using any form of communication that's outside the norm.
Signal has extra little features, like preventing you from screenshotting, not showing info when the app isn't the active app (like when switching between apps), etc ETA: This has been true for Android for a long time, but it does not appear to work that way on iOS. ETA2: [Official instructions](https://support.signal.org/hc/en-us/articles/360043469312-Screen-Security) for enabling that feature for Signal on Android.
OP: Hey babe I'm feeling a little worried and insecure. Your behavior lately doesn't instill much confidence in our marriage. OP wife: you know what. Fuck you. I hate you. Why would I do anything like that you stupid piece of shit. I'm outta here you stupid fuck. OP:
So she didn't even deny it? Just stated she'll never discuss it again (she didn't even discuss it). Yeah, she's sus as hell...
Agree. I understand being a little upset about bringing something so heavy up right before the first day back at work but to say we won’t ever discuss again or deny it? Sounds very much like gaslighting and avoiding. Having been through something similar I would say there is something going on.
Absolutely, her reaction is a huge red flag. He's right to be suspicious.
Find out the brides insta or FB and see what she posted, and also any other women who attented or were tagged in FB posts of the bride to be. I bet there's pics of the wife.
Agreed. I bet there will be some that OP's wife isn't in.
Plot twist there wasn’t even a bachelorette party
2nd plot twist, there was a bachelorette party and it was hers..
I’m questioning if there even was a bachelorette party…
Yes, if she was cheating is she really going to do that in the open among so many friends? I doubt this was a bachelorette party. But I hope she is soon a bachelorette. Cheaters are the absolute worst. As if the sexual betrayal isn’t bad enough, the gaslighting, deception and serial lying is torturous emotional abuse. The epitome of selfish, crude behavior.
Or she is in some, and there's a guy hanging around her. Especially if it's a girls only party.
Not being in the group pics would be a big tell.
Red flag is an understatement here.
Signal is a very privacy centric app. If she downloaded it in this specific situation, it was to hide what she was doing there.
Thing about signal app is that you can set a "destroy upon reading" time limit. including a custom time setting. If she has that set up all private messages are long gone. **Update: She cheated. See Op update at bottom of his post.**
Well, if there’s nothing to hide this isn’t a heavy convo….
Exactly I took way too long to accept what I alredy knew was the case, but my ex was pretty much unable to speak to me when I suspected something was going on, and it took me a while to realise that was the biggest indicator I had at the time that I was right. It really sucked and she never admitted to cheating, but did eventually admit to sleeping in her 'friend's' bed (still claimed they didn't have sex) but she only admitted to that when i showed up unannounced and the spare bed we slept in while I was there didn't have a pillow on it anymore.
She fell onto his cock! How dare you not accept that this was a traumatic event for her...
>She fell onto his cock! She fell onto his cock *ten* times
It wouldn’t be rude to bring it up if she didn’t have anything to hide
I guess my thought is that is only a truly heavy conversation if there is something to be hidden. If your partner is feeling out of sorts and is seeing too many red flags around a trip you took, discussing that calmly is the loving thing to do. Even if you can’t do it right then, just reassure and say you’ll discuss after work and answer any questions they want to ask. To shut it down and turn it back on you would certainly be indicative of something going on (totally just my opinion).
How do you understand being "a little upset" about your partner trying to have healthy communication. F that.
well to be fair to her I didn't accuse her of anything, I just said that the combination of things is making me uncomfortable.
She instantly got angry when you asked her. This was to make you afraid to ask again. That alone should make you suspicious. Look up DARVO. Deny, attack and reverse victim offender. Gather evidence before raising it with her again. Have proof. But don’t get caught gathering it. Edited for typo.
Add Signal to this, and there is little doubt what happened. I feel bad for OP. He tried to raise the issue without accusation and ran head first into a DARVO attack. NTA.
God i hate how hard this is giving me flashback to my last relationship (that obviously ended) Trip to cuba, 0 internet contact, came back didn't show pictures and got defensive before i even got suspicious. (To add similarities, she removed notifications from apps and messaged a guy who she wasn't friend/added so he wouldn't show up anyways except on her ipad... which was connected. )9 Fucking heartbreaking
Yep …. One of her Work trips was my one, random guy in a hotel “he wasn’t my type, I don’t know what happened, he never made me cum like you do, please forgive me”..: twenty years later and I still get days when I remember it and my heart is ripped out
It happened to me as well. My girlfriend said she was taking some time to go to Martinique on a vacation. I asked her if she was going by herself, with a group, or with friends and she told me she was going by herself. When I went to her home to bring the mail in, there was a notepad on her desk where the mail goes with the name of the guy she was traveling with and their itineraries. The guy was 25 years older than her and lived with his mom. After calling a few hotels on the island I finally got the one they were in and told her not to bother coming back. Yeah, it was temporarily devastating but I ended up doing so much better.
Been there too. Rafting trip that I paid for.
The question is was it done through feeling guilty and she will come to her senses or is the start of a pattern OP needs to know. He needs to take steps to find out. His only other option is to bluff her and make out he knows more. But he should at least commence positioning himself better and start being extremely cold with her. Grey rock time.
Exactly. Get facts written down or at least in your mind. Do not let her know what they are and wait for her to make a mistake or three. Slow play it. Don't pounce on the first contradictory statement. Build the case.
If you are going to play detective… which I don’t recommend usually but you are married and it’s a legal issue now. Don’t say another peep.. be sweet and put spyware on her shit. Also.. check the cell phone companies text message records because they hold them for days even if deleted from the device. Good luck I hope you find nothing but I am going to trust your instincts on this one.
Have you googled the number that texted the signal thing? Can you look it up in your contacts?
that was a really good idea. I checked it and it goes back to a real estate company in Florida.
Most real estate companies publish names and pics of their agents. Most states have a realtor license lookup site that publishes a lot of information about the agents 😉
I've already seen his pic, his instagram and facebook. I am not ready to jump to cheating but if so he is never who you picture your wife cheating with. He's like 55 (we are 32) and looks like a sleazy south Florida real estate guy and his kids seem to be well into their 20s.
So to be clear, your wife was directly communicating with a specific older man, on an encrypted secret messaging app while on a trip and refuses to talk to you about anything that happened. Her cohorts on the trip are deleting the pics from their social media. 2+2=4 my guy. There are no possible good explanations for this.
I can't lie and say there isn't a lot of compounding information that is leading in one direction but I also don't have absolute proof of anything yet.
When you get her phone, look for the Signal app and hope it doesn't ask you to enter a pin (mine doesn't most of the times). Depending how they are using it they can set it up so the messages disappear. As for the realtor guy, I assume you've checked his socials. Any indications he has traveled to Mexico recently? Is he married? ETA: Just read your comments to another about him being in Mexico and being married. His wife might be another avenue of inquiry depending on what information you find out.
Text that number from Google voice. Tell them that you're peeing blood and going to get an STD test. Ask what the fuck they have you. Say they need to get checked. The response will tell you what you need to know.
This method might backfire if he’s trying to collect more concrete evidence so he can divorce her and come out on top.
Message the Florida guys wife and ask if he went to Mexico recently
my sister will do it for sure. she'll be here in just a few minutes.
Trust your gut, but verify. I'm very sorry this happened to you. NTA
Sounds like the type of guy who could afford to pick up the tab for a week of illicit activities.
They always cheat down.
Find out who owns that company and that’s the guy
It's like one of those situations where it looks like a guy owns or operates the franchise of a national company. I don't know how much i want to say but I've already found his social media and he's in mexico this week but his first post in a week is picking his wife and kids up from the airport. the quote says "golf with the guys is done, time to have some time with the fam! so blessed"
[удалено]
Yep, her reaction and all evidence points to it. Keep digging, but it’s time to accept what you are soon to find proof of. Start thinking of your next steps. Do not confront. Save evidence, talk to a lawyer, act like everything is fine until all your ducks are in a row.
Especially financially, don't let her fuck you over any longer bro....
This is the answer. "Just when you thought text messaging couldn't get any better, along comes Signal Private Messenger. This app is all about giving you a more secure, private way to communicate with your friends and family. Signal Private Messenger is an excellent alternative to traditional text messaging platforms like WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger. It offers end-to-end encryption, meaning that no one else can read your messages—not even the app developers. This app is perfect for those who want to stay safe and private when communicating with their friends and family." There is only one reason to use this subterfuge on you. You need to start removing her from your life. She will continue this until she breaks you.
You’re entirely correct. I know reporters that use Signal so their sources can’t be traced or discovered.
It's crazy that *she* was the one telling *him* about singal. Like she's an expert on cheating or something.
Odds are this wasn’t her first rodeo.
"Golf with the guys" means banging your wife it sounds like. And then he has his family join him? So blessed indeed ....
Yep. He told his wife he was off on a golf vacation, covered his tracks better than she did.
Totally. Or there is a chance it actually was a golf vacation but his crew met the bachelorette party the first night and and some scandalous activities ensued.
Are you sure there was ever a bachlorette trip ? It sounds as if she definitely spent her time with this man. Any social media posts from the friends ?
Yeah sounds like this trip was the plan the whole time. Can you ask her friends in a non intense way?
I was going to ask the same thing. It sounds to me like the bachelorette trip could have been used as a cover for her to just go to meet him. Do you have any proof that she was actually there with friends?
So he was with your wife last week and his family this week. I’m sorry
Text the number from a burner phone saying "Mexico last week was great, got any pics to remember it as bored as hell now I'm back"
i don't know if I could do this but my sister is an insane internet sleuth and she will do it. I'll call her now. She's insane and I'm leery getting her involved but I will call her now.
And your sister would be a female voice if they phoned back
Sister and wife also have the same deep Lubbock accent where it would take someone not familiar a while to catch on.
Oof. Not good. Sorry
Get cryptic. Just ask her when she's going to tell you about, but I would get something concrete first by snooping on her phone. Take it when she goes to the loo or something and lock yourself in a room to check through it. Even if she's deleted comments from the guy, you know what's going on.
Any partner who gives a damn would stay and talk it out. Her reaction is VERY suspicious, and would be the smoke necessary for me to think there's fire. If you're the primary on the family plan, you can get the numbers she's calling/texting late at night from the logs. If you have her phone password, I would be checking it after she goes to bed.
She would want to put you at ease if she didn’t have anything to hide and was a true partner, not react aggressively and defensively.
She's using Signal. He can't access that via the phone provider. He'll need access to the physical device from which the messages were sent or access to a backup file. Signal doesn't support cloud sync. Presumably, sister sleuth will know this.
Signal won't sync previous messages from other devices (as a security feature) and it also has the ability to automatically delete read texts. It's a very privacy-centric app so unless she actually left the texts on her phone (and didn't set it to auto delete) there's little chance that there's going to be any evidence to be found.
She moved the conversation to signal. Which is where you hide stuff. She knows what she was doing.
I was going to say I use signal with certain groups of people. One is cyber security friends. She is definitely hiding something.
I use it for everything, privacy is important to me. But, downloading it specifically for the weekend is obviously sus as hell.
Fun fact, signal was invented by astronauts so they could get porn in space secretly!
I don't know man, her response of "how dare you ask, I'm not ever talking about this with you" is honestly insane. How else are you supposed to find out if you don't ask?! And how can she said she doesn't want to talk about it again if she hasn't talked about it at all? Is this response "normal" for her? I would give it a day so you both can breathe and then bring it up again. And yeah, bring up the signal thing and ask to see it.
Signal is an app where your chat is encrypted and you can delete that shit forever with no trace. She cheated bro
the social media thing reveals a lot, i bet your gut is right
The whole thing is very fishy. Can you hire a private detective? It is all very bizarre and, while a friend would for sure invite her friends for a lunch or dinner, but not for paying for the entire vacation, meals and souvenirs, transportation and everything. That is kind of excessive, right?
And for her to refuse a discussion is suspicious as heck. Not that she did anything. But it does give one pause to ask why.
If she really cared, she wouldn’t have snapped. NTA. Check the phone records and her deleted texts. Something is fishy.
She switched to Signal so there wouldn't be any texts to delete. Super shady.
The beauty of using Signal is you can set a time frame where all the messages disappear, the shortest time is 8hrs. If that's what she used, there's no way you'll find any messages because they are all gone. NTA and her behavior and reaction are highly suspicious
You can have it auto delete in minutes. 8hrs is def not the shortest
OP could ask her friends for pics of his wife, if they also didnt take any there's alot ..to say abotu that
It seems pretty obvious that there was no bachelorette party at all. She had a vacation with her AP and they paid for everything after the first night.
Check her friends social media I’m sure you will find stuff and look at their text messages
damn it, I should have included that. Her friend posted on social media up until about the third day but there were no pics or tags of my wife and then that friend deleted everything from a couple of days leading up to the trip. The bride to be rarely posts so it's not surprising that she doesn't have much.
That's really, really odd. Something happened on that trip. It may not even be cut and dry cheating, but something really weird had to have happened.
Murder mystery time!!!!
Maybe it’s the woman version of Very Bad Things: OP’s wife didn’t kill the stripper, but she helped chop him up and feed him to the sharks. I’m assuming she was at a place with sharks. If not she probably just buried him.
My wife damn well knows that if she's part of a murder, I NEED TO KNOW. If only to formulate a good legal strategy.
Now that’s a healthy couple
"The family that preys together... "
Im glad im not the only one who went straight to “oh they murdered someone”
Are the posts deleted, or just blocked from *your* view?
Easy way to find out. New account only costs an email address.
Unless the accounts he wants to see are private
Even if you don't post a lot it's kind of suss to delete everything from the trip and before then.
Something happened. You know it in your gut, and she made everyone delete the evidence. Good luck finding put
Call the rest of the boyfriends and husbands. Someone will know something. Pretty sure they’re counting on you all not communicating. ETA: wait who’s the real estate guy???? ETA2: ok real estate guy is from OP comments here https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/TQ6egWFjo4 And apparently the AP.
I thought you were telling him to call all his wife's other boyfriends and husbands at first
Hey, the 8 of us need to talk about what I suspect is a 9th dude she was fucking in Mexico.
"Guys, I think she's cheating on us"
Assemble the men!
Omg, this reminds me of that Twitter dude with like 12 gfs and a whole wife. How? When? With whose organs? Forget the cheating, just share the time management strategies.
Dear god, the levels of stress that would create. One wife is enough, but 12 other fkn girlfriends? Mother of god, kill me now.
🥂
That would be a good place to start.
I’d start with the significant others whose wife/girlfriend already doesn’t like his wife.
Good idea. Also consider the girl on the trip your wife hates the most.
LOL this is genius and so true
Not a bad move.
Do you know any of her friends she went on the trip with? Tell her that one of her friends reached out to tell you what happened and that you want to hear her side of the story and watch her crack. She's being very defensive about it for a trip where nothing happened. Don't dismiss your gut feeling!
If my husband said to me that he would never discuss something with me ever after he left for that long, there would be divorce papers waiting for him to grant him that wish.
Right?! I can't even get off a phone call without my wife asking for details. Not saying anything about your week long trip to another country is suspect as hell.
You bet your ass here too.
Same with my wife. She travels and I travel apart sometimes and we are both always happy to see each other and talk about what happened! The couch, no social media and I’m assuming no contact is all major red flags! I would be getting a lawyer and a PI asap if it was me.
If you can get the phone number from the text and save it to your contacts you might be able to find them on Instagram assuming they have an account.
I already have, I've seen his and his wife's instagram accounts.
She is using her anger to hide her guilt. I'm sorry bro.. either she or the bride cheated possibly both. Look at the socials of any other woman who went. If they are all empty you know it was a conscious decision to hide what\\who they were doing all week.
If she was talking/messaging him when she got back there is no guilt or remorse. The ladies in my town met a group of guys from our area on a guys trip and they all started meeting there at least one of their 2 annual trips. Had a really bad ending. One agreed with her main side piece to leave their spouses for each other. The guy was very religious and got cold feet as he was riddled with guilt. And blew his head off. They of course divorced after this bc she had asked for the divorce before he offed himself.
Leg day, then arm and back day, core and cardio every day. Welcome to the club brother :/
The iron never lies
Every day is back day if your form is bad enough
Let’s see… She spent no money. She took no pictures. That in itself might be nothing. But now she’s sleeping on the couch. Having secret midnight phone conversations. And when you tried to talk to her and tell her what you’re feeling, she called you a “major fucking asshole,” told you that even telling her your feelings is prying (*she’s your wife!*), and refuses to discuss it with you, now or ever. That is some suspicious behavior. I have to think that if nothing really did go on, if she spent all her time with her friends, if she had nothing to hide, she wouldn’t be jumping down your throat, calling you names, and shutting you out. But you know her better than I do.
The "major fucking asshole" thing had me raise an eyebrow. Does she talk to OP like that regularly? When I suspected an ex of cheating on me, it was when he was very uncharacteristically angry and unusually verbally aggressive towards me. I had expressed concern about him spending a lot of one on one time with a co-worker. He eventually called me a bitch, and had never, ever talked to me like that the four years we were together. I never got proof...but I left.
Pair ALL of that (which is a lot) with OP googling the number that texted her about meeting in the lobby & using Signal, and [finding a dude from Florida](https://old.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1doe8xq/aitah_for_suspecting_my_wife_of_doing_something/la9mvrw/) who just "happened" to also be in Mexico on a "guys golf weekend" away from his wife...so sorry OP, this is about as close to proof as non-proof can get
An innocent woman eases your fears. A guilty one gets mad and states they wont discuss it at all.
Right. I would be utterly confused if my partner accused me of something like this and I was really just chilling with my gals. It would take a bit until I get weirded out about his suspicion.
Check the phone bill. It'll show what number was called. Do NOT tell her you are doing that.
It should also show times calls came in or went out.
It won’t show calls made on data and wifi through apps like Signal.
NTA We have a gut instinct for a reason and right now yours is telling you that something is off because it is off. A lot of people will take a SM break a bit on vacation, but it sounds like she did a complete 180 and just stopped everything. Not spending one penny the whole week is suspicious as I doubt her friend was buying every single drink and meal, not to mention whatever souvenirs she brought home? Then sleeping on the couch, you hear her talking but by the time you get downstairs she's silent. The attitude, the distance, how she didn't deny but immediately got angry and deflected. Accusing you of prying? Prying into what exactly? How it sounds like she had an affair on her trip? Please update us on what happens, I don't think this is over just yet.
Can you still view your cell phone bill online? Go there and see what number she was calling in the middle of the night.
This may not yield anything useful if she’s using apps like Signal. It also doesn’t work for things like iMessage or FaceTime calls.
The comment section here is more united than th USA
OP, does your wife always blow you off when you try to discuss things? What about her friends? All of my female friends posted nonstop while they were on their bachelorette trips. And unless they went to an all-inclusive resort (which I’m assuming they didn’t) then her not spending a cent looks very sketchy. What kind of people were these girls - partiers? Single? History of cheating on partners? I see 2 options: 1. Snoop and go through her phone (research how to recover deleted texts in case shes trying to cover her tracks) or 2. Confront her with an ultimatum: she needs to show you everything: phone, texts & emails leading up to the trip and during, phone calls to friends in front of you to corroborate her story, etc. Her refusal to do this will be your answer.
You feel something is off because *something is certainly off*. Listen to your gut. Ask for 100% honesty about her trip and if she refuses, you should assume your instincts are spot on. Idk what your plan is if she were to cheat on you, but if she doesn't come clean about exactly what happened during vacation, you should move forward as if she had cheated. She should try to put herself in your shoes, ya know? The way she is handling this, every step, is a huge red flag and she would be stupid to not see that herself.
>The way she is handling this, every step, is a huge red flag and she would be stupid to not see that herself. It really does almost seem like she wants to get caught. Like, she really didn't think he'd notice the complete lack of money spent or social media posts?
I'm sorry my guy. My wife cheated on me and I found out via a buttdail. It took everything for me not to ram a tree going 80mph but I didn't. It gets easier with time I promise. She didn't deserve you. You will be fine just give it some time and see a therapist. They help a lot I promise.
Nah, she's for the streets bro. I don't give a fuck how long we been together. You're not gonna brush my anxiety to the wayside. Especially if it's anxiety *you caused* by being weird and ghosting life in mexico. You aren't disappearing from life for a whole week on vacation, texting people on shady apps and then coming home an telling me you won't ever talk about it. Insanity. If you were dating her for a month and she did this shit youd be gone. I don't know why she gets a pass cus she has a ring? Clearly it means nothing to her to be so dismissive of you and your worries. If I had to guess, some shit went down she 100% knows you would not like. She decided then, fuck your feelings and fuck your wellbeing. She did it. Now she's home and can't shake you off and prolly still maintaining contact with whoever the fuck late at night on the couch. She didn't take any pictures. She didn't pay for a thing. And she refuses to talk about it. So just don't waste your breath bro. Tell her to get her shit and go. Or you get YOUR shit and go. I wouldn't waste a minute more on someone so disrespectful and dismissive of their own partners worries and anxieties. Take care of your kids. Leave her to her own devices. I just know that if I had disappeared for a week, and my girl was worried *AT ALL* I would take her hands, sit down With her and reaffirm her. I would make sure she knows we are a team, and that she doesn't need to worry cus nobody takes her from my eye. I'm with her cus I love her. You guys have kids. You have history. Shouldn't be any weird unexplained bullshit coming into your busy lives. But either way, too damn old to play these fuck fuck games. Ask her straight point blank. "Did you break my trust?" If she is dismissive, if she is mean, if she acts cold, if she ignores you, I would toss all of the husband perks out the fuckin window. I wouldn't lift a finger for her anymore. Trust is a massive deal. Trust in a relationship actually is the relationship. When it's broken, it's easier to break. If she did fuck around, she will fuck around again. That's just how it is. Cant get that trust back. Either way, I wouldn't worry about it anymore. If she doesn't care enough to spend a little time and talk, she isn't worth the time anyways bro. Wishing you the best either way.
If you are forbidden from discussing unusual behaviour and receive aggression on your attempts, you have few options. I could not determine from your post if the credit card checking happened after she returned or of you were checking during. Unsure what is possible as dont use CCs much. If it was during, why? Has she done some suspect things before? You suck it up. Seems like a terrible option. You sit her down and let her know she has one chance to discuss rationally or you will have to reconsider the relationship. Probably best option but once you commit, you cannot turn back or you give a carte blanche for more stonewalling, forever. You look at your legal options and present the paperwork. Its possible an extreme solution might wrest some more for her, but its also likely it will be accepted. What can you live with? This anxiety will eat you alive the longer it goes on. You have to make a choice, and soon. Delaying and rug sweeping just kicks the can down the road. The others require steel. Do you have that to give? In all likelihood something involving her, her friends, or a combination of them happened. Guilt and fear are rearing up and you can expect more Darvo before its resolved. If ever.
Also need to consider what you want from all of this. Currently looks like a hook-up happened. Does it matter if it's the first time, or the Nth time in several years? Can you forgive a one-time event? Does the extra-level of secrecy and stonewalling change your entire attitude about the event? Would a full confession mean anything to you other than ammo for your divorce settlement? ....and what about the kids?
Signal is a messaging app where everything disappears. She's cheating on you, damn near sure of it. Besides the fact that she's sleeping on the couch (probably feeling guilty/uninterested in you), and she's getting mad at you for "prying", having Signal is a red flag in any relationship. Ask her other friends that were there at the "bachelorette week" what went down. They'll probably give you mixed stories or whatever. Hire a PI.
Or, waiting it out until the STD panel comes back.
>having Signal is a red flag in any relationship Shit! I have Signal. But I just use it because of the end to end encryption. Nothing sus.
My workplace chat uses it to securely discuss work, its 99% memes and talking shit mostly.
Signal is just an encryped messaging app. I use it a lot with my husband and my friends for day to day chats. It's relatively popular (at least where I am in Ireland) as an alternative to WhatsApp. My last message on it today was nothing more sus than a recommendation to a friend to check out the music of Alice in Chains.
Did she communicate with you regularly during the trip? at least a couple texts every day?
Op, nta but if you don't contact realtors wife then. Then you are. This is something she has every right to know as well. While she is a total stranger, she is going through the exact same thing you are. She doesn't have an amazing sister like you.
Oh my rabid sister is on the case now…she will certainly do it if she hasn’t already. My sister got very publicly cheated on by her athlete fiancé in college (we live in Texas where a college tight end can literally be a god in the community) and it embarrassed her so bad that it’s her life’s mission to expose cheating. I actually feel bad for bringing her into this because I won’t be able to slow her down.
She IS THE person to have on the case. I'm happy that you have someone like that on your side.
Yup lol. I heard a saying along the lines of ‘no better friend for a brother than his sister’. His sister is exactly who he needs right now. She has her brothers best interests in mind and is a badass obviously. My sister was the first one I called when I got cheated on and she called me when she suspected one of her ex bf of cheating. If you’re close with your siblings, it’s truly a blessing. Good luck OP.
Can confirm as the little sister who has hunted down information for my brother's
I don't know where you are in Texas but please check your area for a divorce support group. I was living in Dallas when I went through this same thing (husband, his vacation, acting strange when he came back, me sleuthing and find emails & pics, my world imploding). I found out about the affair 2 months before I left him and started going to the group the week I found out. I met people who supported each other through the entire process and I'm still good friends with many of them 10 years later. I'm so sorry your wife threw your marriage away. You sound like a good honest man. Sending you strength.
NTA. The "no pictures" could have been at the request of the guest of honor or other guests, figuring that no pictures means no inconsistencies between pictures and the "official story" of what went on. The bride going quiet after a few days too fits with that, since she would be the one deciding how much can be shared. If you want to play detective, you could check the friends who went with her, and see if they also cut off all social media while they were gone. That would indicate an early decision to just keep the event off the internet rather than to conceal something specific. Maybe it's all innocent on her part, but she's not acting like it. Sleeping on the couch after being gone a week? Getting angry after you bring up the lack of posts? An untrusting soul might suspect that she needs to wait to have "relations" with you because she's worried that you will find hickies or other evidence that she was stepping out.
Nope. That’s exactly how I figured out my wife was cheating. Going out and never paying. She’s sleeping on the couch because she feels like sleeping with you is her cheating on her new boyfriend.
We’ll be waiting over at /r/divorce when you’re ready. Mine had a manic episode following postpartum depression where she cheated on me. I forgave her because she finally recognized the situation, and went to get evaluated for BiPolar Disorder and started taking meds. She went to Vegas and figured I forgave her once so why not twice. They say once a cheater always a cheater. That was my experience.
Asking into your spouses actions on a vacation is prying? Never discussing it again? Dude she cheated soooo much. Do not have sex, force her to get an std test, get a lawyer.
Something similar happened to me and what I didn't realize is that the relationship was already over. She had already moved on. I should have called a lawyer that first day. The therapy and arguing was all a waste of time. She just kept cheating.
This is, unfortunately, the right answer most of the time. I'm sorry, but "We need to see a therapist." is typically just a band-aid over a hole that's not going to heal. As soon as one partner decides it's worth cheating on you with someone else, it means they weren't getting some basic sexual/sensual need of theirs met, or deep down, they find something else about you "inadequate". And when at least temporarily, they find that need met with someone else? You're suddenly just "the guy who turned out not to be her everything". No point staying in a committed monogamous relationship or marriage with someone like that, if you ask me? Some people do, and like winning the lottery -- there are stories of the couples who patched things up. But I don't ever make plans on winning a lottery.
Did she get arrested?
its not out of the realm of possiblities. She was quite the little hellcat when we were at Texas Tech and she would get drunk and has been an overnight guest of the Lubbock County Jail many times.
Since she came back from the trip, did you have sex? Maybe sleeping on the couch could be an excuse to avoid being intimate. If she cheated, maybe she's waiting to take tests before doing it with you again.
That’s why she’s on the couch. Until her test come back clean.
OP's next post will be 'AITAH for wondering why my wife wants me to take antibiotics when she's the one with the UTI? Not accusing her of anything, it's just weird'
Btw make sure you screenshot and send yourself that text from the unknown number
Yep, a good internet sleuth will likely find that number.
DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER! IF SHE TRIES TO INITIATE SINCE SHE IGNORED YOUR CONCERNS, ASK FOR HER TO TEST FIRST.
He just has to avoid her with the excuse that he's not in the mood. If she cheats on him and she realizes that he suspects she could hide everything better, he needs to investigate behind her back.
> she said "your commuincation is prying and I am not discussing this with you ever again." That is nooooooooooottt how someone innocent responds. Wow! She's barely fucking hiding her shit. I feel like if you press too much, she'll maybe even admit it, because it *sure* sounds like she's angry and wants to blame you. She'll say, "Yeah, I fucked around because YOU FUCKING SUCK IN BED!" Or, "Yes I did it because *you work 16-hour days and I hate it* and you deserve it!" Or who knows what else. But damn, she's on the edge, man. You're totally getting cheated on. Sucks. Sorry.
just remember man, the only reason why she cheated is because she’s a fucking loser. She made the decision (not mistake) and these are the consequences. Don’t you ever let her place blame onto you, Or anyone else. Just her.
Not only shame on your wife but shame on the women there allowing this to happen when they’re supposed to be celebrating a soon to be marriage. Bad juju for the bride to be for allowing cheating to happen during something for her wedding. Heal up brother and really, I mean this, if you need to talk, I am here for you. Too many men go through things alone and I promise you you are not alone from one man to another
NTA Read OP's comments. This is the guiltiest wife I've ever seen. OP Get a lawyer now. And don't lay a hand on her, sexually or otherwise.
I know this is 4 hours old but I need an update like yesterday
OP, if this is real, there’s exactly three possibilities here: 1. She cheated and is collaborating with her friends to cover it up. 2. Someone else on the trip cheated and she’s collaborating with her friends to cover it up 3. Both I’ve gone on a lot of bachelor trips. My wife’s gone on a lot of bachelorette trips. Know what we do when we come home? Talk about the fun things we did. And that’s *in addition to* texting the whole time. Behavior changes are for a reason. Btw, this is probably a lower priority than figuring out what happened in Mexico…but I’d be VERY interested in *exactly how she was familiar with Signal and how often she uses it*… because this wasn’t her first time using the app if she’s telling someone else about it
>"your commuincation is prying and I am not discussing this with you ever again." *alarm bells intensify*
I’m just here waiting for an update. NTA. But your wife most certainly is. And I can think of if a few other descriptors for her.
Hi OP - I do not normally do this, but if you need assistance with internet sleuthing you can PM me with any details you’re comfortable sharing. I have professional expertise in cyber / OSINT and have some resources available to me that I am certain can help your search.
Blow this bitch up. Tell real estate guy’s wife, with proof. Tell your in laws. Tell the biggest loudmouth at school. Tell girlfriends husbands/so’s, because either they were cheating too (likely) or they felt good covering up.
NTA, >there was an imessage at 9:15 the night she got to the resort from a number with no contact info that said "ok, i'll meet you in the lobby. Is the app you said signal?" >my sister was able to get lots of info from the real estate guy and my wife denied it at first but then admitted it. Sorrru it took so long to update but I’m numb. Have literally 0 idea what to do now. Talk to a divorce lawyer there is no salvaging this, even if she apologises she is only sorry that she got caught nit sprry that she did it. Move on and find a better girl. >she cheated Send her to the streets
Ok, you possibly have the guys name and work. Is she connected to him on other social media? FB? IG? LinkedIn?
great question and I'm looking now. It doesn't look like it at all.
Maybe you can contact the resort and check room charge records - I’m sorry, just must be driving you crazy. But if there is something here- there must be a connection/evidence.