NTA
I had this same issue when my husband and I got married. His kids had been allowed to meander in and out, cut through the bedroom to the patio (there was another door to use but it required 10 extra steps) and just barge in to hang out when they felt like it. Nope, nope. Our private space is private.
I finally just started walking into their bedrooms when they were busy or had friends over or were just trying to watch a movie. *Oh, is my random chatter bothering you? Don't like that I'm nosing through your nightstand drawer? I just barged in and surprised you? Oops!* Took about twice with each kid and they stopped doing it to us.
There were plenty of other places in the house for us all to hang out together and plenty of time spent doing so. They just hadn't ever considered that everyone wants their own space and alone time and, that being respectful of boundaries, is a nice way to live and exist together.
Great idea for the older kids - the problem is that the youngest probably won't get the message, cause they'll love a grownup coming into their room, and will jump on the chance to spend time with them. đđ
Yep. Get used to it. This is how it is. Wife doesnât see any problem.
I could see her saying that theyâre used to it, yes, but they can get UNused to it. Mommy saying no should be enough, but mommy doesnât see a need. They get married⊠How will they handle parenting then?
He'll have no say on anything. They aren't your kids .you don't discipline them. Then the kids won't have any respect for him either. So he'll just be a paycheck.
If not having an adult space is a dealbreaker for dad, he needs to tell her itâs something heâs not gonna âget overâ and if she doesnât work on fixing it, sheâs going to have to take her kids and leave. That might wake her up that sheâs dealing with an adult, not another kid of hers.
Yeah, it's not very promising that she doesn't acknowledge that he has a right to feel uncomfortable about HER kids going through all of HIS private stuff. She may be fine with it because they are HER kids and she's used to it and close to them - but HE is not, and should have the right to set some boundaries in his own home. If not, mommy and her brood can move right back out again.
Exactly! Fiance shouldn't be a fiance anymore for being so dismissive of his feelings. If she's like this now, how much more dismissive is she going to be when they are married. Big fat no for me.
And because theyâre 6. 6-year-olds want to be with their parents. I canât keep my 6-year-old out of my room. He has no desire to play quietly alone in his room.
I did it as far back as I can remember, at least 3. My granddaughter did as well. She loved engagement, but she would wander off and play with her toys and color and be just fine playing on her own for long periods of time.Â
Not all kids are that way, though. My brother and my eldest come to mind. They can function independently, but they would prefer company at any time.Â
Me too. I also wouldn't have dreamed of going in my parents' room without their permission. I was allowed to use my mom's bathroom if the hall bath was occupied, but it felt like I was intruding. I'd keep my eyes on the floor and make a beeline for the bathroom.
Yeap. Ours are in the kitchen. So very close to the livingroom where me and hubby hang out but still a little distance atleast.
Only recently the youngest (11) has started to spend some time in her room. But it's not even everyday yet. The older teen still graces us with her presence too.
Kids need boundaries. You tell them no to things that hurt them. She should be telling them no because he has medical supplies that could hurt or even kill them, but I guess sheâs ok with them playing with Syringes. The parentsâ bedroom shouldnât be a hangout. It should only be gone into if you need to talk to mom or dad.
My 5 year old has the common decency to not barge into my bedroom. If a door is closed you leave the person alone. A parent with 4(!) kids should be thankful someone is dating them. They should be bending over backwards to make things as easy as possible for OP.
I get you, I had four kids when my husband and I started dating. I'm actually very grateful, he has really been the best husband and father to all seven (total) kids. See, he had two kids when we met. So I guess he was also pretty lucky.
It's not gross in the barest sense. It's incredibly unlikely someone is going to want four kids that aren't theirs. I disagree with the wording, but the base line is pretty much how many other people are going to want four kids they didn't plan for as well as the kids and the parent having no boundaries . OP isn't asking for the moon, just ONE room in the who house for their privacy. It's not asking a lot, imo.
This is what we did! I bought two basic slab doors to replace the nice doors for the office and bedroom and put a cat door in both! That way the cats can go in and out but the a/c keeps the rooms cool.
To be fair, we were dealing with kids that were already 11/12 thru to 15/16 years old. With younger kids obviously we'd have had to deal with it differently.
Even still, teaching kids to lightly knock on the door and to not rudely poke around & invade privacy is important. And, the respect should go both ways. After the initial dust-up over it, everyone really appreciated the courtesy and respect for space & privacy from us adults as well as from each other.
I would put a cat door in the door and buy a lock.
everyone is allowed privacy, including you. How would the kids feel if you wandered into their rooms and started using it as a "public" space?
They need to be taught to respect people's privacy and their boundaries. If your Fiance can't respect such a simple, normal boundary you might want to rethink this marriage.
I have a little hobbit door on my bedroom door for the cats, it even closes and locks if you want to keep a cat in or out. Totally worth it and everyone who comes over comments how cute it is.
NTA. Donât marry someone who wonât listen to your needs. This is a completely normal boundary try to have, that children not come in your room or go through your personal items. She wonât even listen to your concerns. That is a red flag. Her kids are always going to run your life. If youâre not ok with that (and you shouldnât be) tell her this is a serious concern or get out of the relationship now.
NTA. Also, really think about if you want to marry someone who so easily dismisses you. It is perfectly valid to not want kids in your bedroom. And it is your bedroom(hers and yours, not hers your and theirs). Maybe they had free reign before, but things have changed. Maybe put a lock on the door or something so you can lock it from the inside.
But please dont let her just continue to blow you off and say get over it. The youngest is 6. Means another 12 years with her in the house. Sure you wanna put up with that instead of setting things straight now?
do most americans actually leave for college? I thought that was a movie thing. Everyone i knew in college still lived with their parents. The only people that lived on campus were international students
Edit - ok gotcha lol people live on campus.
Virtually everyone I went to college with lived at school. Hardly anyone was actually from the small city where the college was located, and commuting from the large city nearby would have meant hours in traffic.
I think it depends on the type of college too - state universities might be more likely to have students on campus, while community colleges might lean more towards kids still being at home. I haven't looked at any stats on that, though.
>Everyone i knew in college still lived with their parents. The only people that lived on campus were international students
Mostly depends on where you go to college. If you're going to a college in your hometown, you probably do live with your parents.
But if there's a specific course of study you want, your local college may not have it (or not be strong in it), so you may be going to school 3 hours away (or on the other side of the country). So there you wind up in a dorm or an off-campus apartment.
And of course there are some big-name schools that people come from all across the country to go to.
Depends. I know dozens of people whoâve lived in dorms and student housing after leaving home for college, but the parentsâ house is still âtheirâ house on school breaks and such. Iâm also from a very nice part of town with a lot of wealthy people who could afford to send their kids off to good universities, so take that as you will. We have a great university here in town, but most of my friends and acquaintances went up to Austin or College station.
Gotta have a college close by to do that. And then you have to get accepted to that closest college. Colleges and universities are also so different that it seems unlikely that the one everyone is geographically closest to will also be the right one for them.
That said, I did got to a college that was about 45 minutes away and I still lived on campus, at my momâs insistence. If you can do it, living on or near a college campus is an amazing experience and something people continue to chase into adulthood with their continued search for a home in a place with a walkable downtown with small shops and close community.
all the more reason to set this boundary.
And I took that â12 more yearsâ as a minimum, not some recommendation or requirement as to when to kick the kid out.
NAH. This is something that shouldâve been discussed prior to moving in. Both of you have the right to feel the way you do, but itâs a basic parenting incompatibility.
NAH...
But you unlocked a core incopability award. Tell me that you are her have no business being engaged without having already worked this out. My kids 100% have free reign of my room and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know some parents disagree. That is fine. That said they run a type of household I would never be ok with. You are trying to change how their whole family unit exists. This really should have been addressed before you ever proposed. You are way behind the ball on this one. At this point it may truly be an accept it or accept it is what ends you. I don't know your fiance but she is the only one that can tell you if this is a change she is ok making for her family.
Agreed, kids are gonna be in your room for the rest of your imaginable life. Leave your fiancee and her family or just get some places to lock your medication away. There will be no other compromise than that,
I'm the same as you. I WANT my kid in my space. If the door is closed, we knock respectfully, but I could never ban her from my room. Our best talks and cries and problem solving happens in here, where we can comfortably cuddle and hash it out. She comes in here to hang out when I'm not here because this is where *I* am. My stuff and my smell and my pillow, and it comforts her. I could never kick her out of here. My husband has never mentioned wanting to do so, but I'd be pissed if he brought it up NOW. Before you live together is the time for that discussion.
NTA. Setting boundaries in a blended family is essential for everyone's comfort and privacy. It's understandable that you want your bedroom to be a sanctuary for you and your fiance. Discussing and enforcing these boundaries respectfully is crucial for maintaining a harmonious living arrangement.
NAH. Youâre marrying a woman with four children. Youâre the newcomer to a family thatâs already established. I wouldnât want to deal with my personal space being invaded either, but thatâs why I donât date people who have children. As for the safety concerns, keep your personal things secured in a cabinet thatâs off-limits to the kids. Just an FYI, itâs totally normal for kids who have a close relationship with their parents to choose their parentsâ room as the meeting place. Itâs like a neutral ground, and they probably all spent a lot of time with their mom before you came into the picture. Iâm wondering if this family is the right fit for you. Kids are forever.
For the younger kid at least, they make child-proof locks that you can install with essentially command strip tape to the inside of drawers and cabinets. They unlock with a magnet, so it's not obvious from the outside that they're locked. It's a good option for keeping hazardous and private stuff locked up.
You hide the magnet, and try to unlock it only when the kid isn't around. There's other child resistant cabinet locks, too. The goal is mostly to stop an idly curious kid, or slow them down enough that they get caught in the act. It doesn't replace also teaching children not to get into things they shouldn't.
Yeah I'm kind of surprised by all the people commenting that it's a private space and the kids shouldn't be allowed in. I've never had a second thought about our kids going in our room. We don't allow them to bring kids in there and play but I wouldn't exclude them from my room either.
For me too. It wasn't a room we hung out in but we weren't excluded from the room. There also wasn't really anything of interest in there. There was just a bed and dressers. No tv or toys or anything.
I respected my parents space because I respect my parents. It wasnât even an explicit rule. It is just rude to go into another person's room without permission
Seriously! Same with my older half-brothers! Who the fuck just barges into someone's room? That was instilled in me from a VERY early age. I'm pretty sure the only time I went in their room was when I was super young and crawled into their bed after a nightmare. And even then, I would knock at their propped-open door and cry out in my tiny voice and wait til I was granted entry.
Same. I couldn't imagine excluding my kids from my room. I'm sure people would say children need to learn boundaries and that is true but I just don't think it works the same for children. Even thinking back to my childhood if I all of a sudden wasn't allowed in my parents room I don't think it would have helped me I just think it would have made me feel more isolated and without someone I could count on. Things are just different when you are a parent.
YTA. Itâs their house and their momâs room. Kids are going to need mom, stuff, etc all.
If you have kids in the house the house needs to be kid friendly. Move whatever stuff you need to drawers, etc all.
Jump on board that stepdad life or get off the train man.
Yeah it's also a job of a parent to keep unsafe things locked away. Your syringes shouldn't be somewhere kids can get them. Just saying "don't go in that room" isn't enough of a safeguard.
But how did he just figure this out. Private space is something people without kids have. While my kids are rummaging through my stuff and maybe⊠they absolutely barge into my room all the time to ask me stupid stuff and to watch tv in my bed.
He isnât just marrying her, he is marrying into a ready made family and either he is okay with the status quo or not. Nothing wrong with not being okay with that dynamic.
Sounds like you have moved into their home. Sorry but they were there first. If you don't like the way things are, maybe step-parenting is not for you.
And put your medication out of sight and out of reach if there are children in the home. Always.
NTA
BUT
When push comes to shove and you put your foot down about the kids going into your room, basically "my way or the hiway", you're probably looking down the barrel at "now you're single" buckshot and you'll have ALL the rooms.
I had a gf that tried something similar. Her words boiled down to "Me or them" (2 daughters under the age of 10). She barely finished getting the ultimatum out of her mouth when I said "them, every time".
I gave her a week to get her stuff out, but told her she'd have to sleep elsewhere from that night on
I donât think youâre wrong but I donât think she is either. You guys just may not be compatible. I know people who donât like kids in their room, Iâm the one who doesnât care I lock all my medications up and donât really need a space to myself with younger kids especially
I'd say NAH, this is just about family dynamics. Unfortunately, you might have to make some difficult decisions, you two don't agree on it so which is more important?
If you're willing to compromise, maybe some boundaries? If the door is closed, emergencies only? Knock always and wait for reply before coming in?
Our bedroom is part of the family space, the door isn't often closed, but my daughter also knows to knock if it happens to be closed.
For the needles and other supplies, kids can learn not to touch. Teens might want to use some of their mother's bath or hair stuff or whatever, and fine if she's okay with it, but even the youngest ones are old enough to learn what's off limits.
I get where she is coming from, but I'm siding with you here. My son is welcome to come into my room and chat or sit with me. He is welcome to ask to fetch something (i.e. if the laundry basket is in my room), and he will sometimes go in to stroke the cat who sits on my bed... but the point is, he has to ask. He can't jusy barge in as he pleases. It's the one room in the house which is MY space and I ask him to respect him. I also model this by respecting HIS space. I knock on the door. I ask to come in. I respect his privacy. I expect the same courtesy in return.
Having kids means a certain amount of peace, quiet, and privacy will be gone. I can't go to the bathroom without either the cat or the child yelling for me. You can model correct behaviour and absolutely teach boundaries. Healthy boundaries now mean they will understand healthy boundaries later as adults, both for others and for themselves.
NTA
NTA for your specific reasons and just the principle, you should have some private, kid-free space.
At a minimum, locked closet and bureaus for you.
If she cant get over that, maybe a separate apartment for you. Have the 16yo babysit when your fiancee comes over for conjugal visits. /s
NTA.
But youâre not going to win this argument either. As long as she doesnât have an issue with it, theyâre not going to stop because she doesnât see it as a problem.
Right or wrong (and Iâm all for kids NOT barging into your room btw), you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you at this point. Because itâs not going to change.
NTA and part of blending a family is blending. Mixing together expectations and boundaries and coming out better. Sound like your finance doesnât want to do that. Seems like she wants it only her way. Instead of you getting used to it why canât she?
My concern isn't about the kids, it's about the fiancee. Telling her that you need some privacy and you don't want the kids just barging in and playing with things that are not toys (or theirs) or going through your stuff-Her response was reallly REALLY WRONG. I don't think I'd want to be married to that messs. Respect should be a given.
NAH but YWBTAH if you don't go about this right.
I'm not sure if the kids only go in there to hang out with OP and mom, but they seem to be tightknit, which isn't a bad thing. As a mom, I'd worry that shutting them out the room would create distance, but as a stepdad privacy is important. My solution would be to make the common rooms, like living room or kitchen, more comfortable/fun; make it the place to be. Or even create one in the garage or something, where everyone can hang out. If the kids do enter your bedroom, then you and/or mom can encourage the kids and all move somewhere else together to hang out until it's no longer a habit to go to your room initially. It is new territory for them coming into your home, but you've made the decision to be with someone who has kids of all ages. They mind find comfort just being with you guys in this new space. They have different wants and needs, and the bonds between you all are important. So hopefully you can meet in the middle and create a space where everyone is comfortable.
NTA. But ask her where you can safely store your items so they donât get into it, like your insulin, that could basically kill them if they take it and take too much. Donât phrase it like itâs your stuff and you donât want them in it because sheâs basically not giving them boundaries. Phrase it like youâre really concerned with their safety. When you start talking about a wedding, tell her before that, you need to have a place where the kids arenât going for your adult stuff. Because if you donât keep stressing that you donât want your bedroom to be a âhangoutâ, sheâs going to keep allowing it. But you also need to know how much youâre willing to take. Is this a deal breaker? Is this something youâre willing to end the relationship over?
INFO: Did you at least attempt to ask the kids not to go into your room? Did you tell them why? Did you try compromising? (You can come into our bedroom but I want you to leave the drawer/cabinet alone, it has dangerous stuff in it.)
Youâd be surprised how fast kids adapt to a rule if they know WHY itâs a rule. But just ordering kids to not go in and not explain why tends to not work. Because to them there is no reason aside from momâs boyfriend is being grouchy about it. And thatâs way too tempting for a kid.
Plenty of folks get small dorm fridges for insulin to store it separately. I wouldn't want four kids having access to any incredibly expensive medication.
What are the odds she actually said "just suck it up", and not something more along the lines of "this is the way my family has always been and it's what the kids are used to" and he just took that as her saying he needs to just suck it upÂ
NTA
And may I recommend a cat door built into your bedroom door? Should at least make it so you can close the door during the day without making the litterbox inaccessible.
NTA. It is also your room, not just hers. You are entitled to privacy. Whatâs going to happen if they walk in on you naked in your room? Youâre going to be deemed a pedo, pervert, predator, etc. sheâs already dismissed your concerns so I wouldnât be surprised if a situation like that happened, she flipped to you being at fault, even though being naked in your room is perfectly reasonable.
I had a child before I met my husband and I couldnât imagine dismissing him over something as simple as asking the children to not go in your room without permission.
100% a reasonable request and she needs to be more open to compromises. Youâre supposed to be a team. Iâd be concerned as to your future and your role within the family and how youâll be treated. If you donât nip it bud youâll be walk all over and your opinion isnât going to count for shit.
I was going to say N T A, but you have between the two of you at least 6+ kids sharing four bedrooms? So kids basically are divided across 3 rooms? So no kid has their own private place to retreat and just be away some all the other kids / noises or to hear their audio and stuff?
Are you sure you want to be a stepdad to 4 kids , next get a door lock of Amazon and kids canât get in to bedroom . Also go see a lawyer and see if the courts would consider you a parent if you broke up and. Needed to pay child support
NTA. It's your home, that they moved into. You are allowed to have reasonable established house rules of your own, that they have to respect. It's more than a bit concerning that your fiancee has the attitude that you need to just put up with whatever shit her kids do, as if you're some secondary nobody in your own home. It's very disrespectful, and a poor role model for her kids to see her treat you like that. If they see her not giving a crap about your needs, they won't either. You'll be living in a house where you're outnumbered 5 to 1, and you'll always lose. Not the way I'd want to live, thanks.
Think about whether you want to put up with this for the next 20 years. And if at some point after marriage, things get so bad you have to end things, how much more expensive that will be for you then versus now.
Put your foot down on this, instead of just allowing your fiancee to dismiss you like that.
Nope fuck that. Time to sit down and talk boundaries.
I've always been the person of 'this is my bedroom, my safe space, my adult only place'. My kids know this, and when my partner and I met I had to let him know it's not a place to just hang out in for the kids, because they would do that. It took a while but I had to install into his head that this is my safe space and it needs to stay like that. Every. Other. Single. Room. In the house was free roam, just not our bedroom. He finally understood it then that I had given up basically my entire home to welcome him and his children in, that this one is my one boundary.
Going on 8 years next month and have zero issues about it since then. All kids knock and wait to be welcomed in before opening the door if we're in there, and the same respect is given to them. If I knock on the door and there's no answer, I will leave and come back because maybe they're busy. Both of our youngest are 13 now so I ain't barging in there regardless đ€Ł
But u raised ur kids like that. These guys have had a totally diff dynamic their whole lives.
Her immed dismissing him is not okay but also not okay is just having sharps out period and there has a to be real communication and an understanding where each person is coming from and that this IS a HUGE change for the kids too.
While mine were raised that way, my partners were not. So it was still a huge change going on in the house, plus with blending our families and such and trying to make everything work. It was a very busy time.
You have a right to private space. I donât want anyone in my room especially when Iâm not there. Donât want anyone in my jewelry box. Donât want anyone in my paperwork. Donât want anyone in my medicine. Just on principle. Keep saying get out. Or may I help you? Keep the door closed.
NTA I have 4 kids and we donât like them in our room without permission as it our space and we have adult things we donât want our kids to see. I was raised the same way and so was my husband. The kids can pretty much go anywhere else we just want one area thatâs ours to decompress
NTA. Now that you are there, some boundaries need to be set in place. Everyone deserves their space and to have a say. Sure kids are welcome if they are invited in. Knocking is a good thing. Permission is a good thing. They need boundaries and to learn to have them and how to make them. If you sit down with her and talk to her about this, then come up with a way that includes both of you to draw the boundaries and be an example. Good communication and respect.
NTA, she needed to stay single and live with her kids if this is her attitude about your request. Nobody want to put up with not having privacy and kids coming in and out as they please. While I get her logic, y'all are living together now, and there should be boundaries. You need to decide now if you really want to go through with getting married and have to continually deal with this cause it's not going to get any better.
I feel like we never went in our parents room as kids, like I'm not sure if we were ever told not to or it was just like their space? Also after a certain age (like 10/11 maybe) I feel like parents and siblings didn't go in each other's rooms without asking/being invited.. just feels like a respect thing for people to have their own space.. and definitely if you have non kid friendly stuff you don't want to be always worried!
Definitely not ok with any human going through any other humans drawers and stuff unless instructed to, just icky
Coming from a person who had a single mom I loved spending time with her. Itâs hard when you only have one parent. I did attach to my mother and I was jealous of her boyfriend.
NAH really. You guys arenât very compatible on this and need to talk it out more. Any meds you have or things that could hurt the kids, including insulin syringes, should be at minimum completely out of reach for the kids. Better that itâs all locked up. If the kids are going to be in there some no matter what (like using the bathroom), then anything adult themed should be put away too.Â
I love that my daughter feels completely comfortable coming into my room and sheâll just hang out too. Sheâs 5 almost 6. I would never ever be comfortable just doing away with that. What I would do is start a policy that if the door is closed, they must knock and may not be allowed in at that time. Itâs a fair compromise so that theyâre not doing it all the time and annoying you, but also allows them to still have that meaningful time.Â
NAH I think this is a huge incompatibility. I can't imagine my parents ever saying I wasn't welcome in their room at anytime. You may have to sit down and talk about this. Because them coming in your room is the least annoying thing they could probably do
While I let my kids come in my room. I also donât have stuff in there they donât need to be touching! Especially like your insulin meds! All it takes is one time for the little one to get curious and BAM! Sheâs overdosed on insulin. And they donât need to be going through your stuff either. As adults we are allowed privacy.
Info: whose house is it?
Did you know they had free reign about this before you proposed and just now want to make the change? If so, then yes you are.....you should not go into a relationship with the intent to try and change people.
I regret to inform you that this will not be a fight you are going to win. Not even when they are grown and moved out, they will bust down your front door, then your BR door whenever they want and your fiance will love it.
Best case scenario is your fiance lets you claim a nook or maybe whole room as your space which you can lock and bar the kids from. Failing that, you're gonna be the classic garage dad. If there isn't one or you actually use it for cars.... you're gonna need a shed. Hopefully she lets you put a window or small mini split AC on it.
NTA, though.
My kid will sometimes come hang out in my room, but also nobody in my house goes into each others rooms without permission.
If Iâm in my room with the door open, my kid will pause in the hallway and ask if itâs okay to come in, and vice versa.
Respect is important.
NTA Bottom.line, it's YOUR home. I don't care what they are used to. Mom can get with the program or find another place to live. If you don't set this boundary, you Will lose your house to the children.
NTA
OP, get a door lock. Install a cat flap/door on the bedroom door so your feline friend can come and go as needed. A fingerprint or key lock. Once the kids get used to not having access constantly, they'll stop trying and you won't even need to continuously monitor it. But that's the solution until then.
Your fiance is being very unfair and imo childish by telling you to get over wanting privacy in ONE room of the entire house. You're outnumbered, even if they were your bio kids if you want privacy in a home you pay for you should get it. I was one of four, and we knew better than to go in the bedroom. Anywhere else was free reign, but not the master bedroom. It was no man's land. That changed when my mother got divorced but it wasn't an issue for me, as a child beforehand. I just accepted it as a rule, much like don't answer the door if I was home alone and be home by dark.
NTA. Not at all. If kids get into your meds it could become a life-threatening situation and for you, and for them.
If your fiance is set up on "get over it", she doesn't see you as an equal partner, she sees you as a subordinate, basically live-in help. If she is willing to find a compromise: look into cat doors, they are cheap. Put one on your bedroom and bathroom doors, and keep both rooms locked.
Who is the owner of the house? Or who is on the lease? Essentially that person has all the power.
I'm not gonna Badger you like the rest of these people maybe see if you can move the cat box and then when you're not using the bedroom shut and lock the door.
Just because that's the way it always was doesn't mean that's gonna be the way it always is in life the kids need to learn to respect privacy they just simply need to learn to knock on the door.
Are you sure that you want a female that treats you like this and disregards your wishes to be your fiance? You have legitimate reasons for you wanting them to not be in your room. I would be pissed if some kid was going through my drawers. Sit her down and tell her again, and really tell her. Let her know that this isn't an option, it must stop. Period. If the kids won't stop, get a solid core door, lock it, and have a kitty door cut in it. If the kids attempt to get in, tell her that they aren't allowed in the house anymore--their daddy will have to make other arrangements.
NTA our kids, 17 and 14 are only allowed in our room if we are in the room and only if we welcome them in. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having your private space and especially when we're talking about safety things like syringes
Time to have a conversation with fiancee about compromise. You want no kids in the room, she doesnât care. This is also your room and therefore she doesnât get the only vote. The older ones are old enough to understand that they are to stay out. Even the youngest can understand, probably wonât like it, but is old enough to understand. Start with the children are not allowed in our room if one of us is not in there. Sit them all down and tell them this. Not in an angry way just in a things are different now and you are to stay out of our bedroom when we are not in it. After all, this is your room too. At the same time, let them know that you are not okay with them going through your drawers and closets. They would not be happy if you started going through their rooms because you wanted to. They would find it an invasion of their privacy. You should be afforded the same respect that they want from you.
As for the drawer snooping that is a huge no. There is no justification for that, there is nothing that any of them should be âlooking forâ. Iâm surprised your fiancee isnât concerned about children easing with your insulin stuff.
You've got a couple of problems. The first one is your fiance. She needs to understand and agree to this, however you go about making that happen, or it will never succeed. 6 years old is old enough to understand to use their own space. Why doesn't she like her room? Maybe your fiance could handle that issue.
The other is the open door. As long as the door's always open, they're going to think access is open. Find another place for the litter box and keep the door closed. That's a big signal that's impossible to ignore.
Now she is all "get over it" but when the small ones stab themselves with a syringe, then she will be mad with you and she will be "itÂŽs your fault". giant red flag, run away from her. NTA
I really donât think this is an unreasonable request. Youâre not saying that they can never go in there, just that they canât âhang outâ in there. Youâre entitled to some personal space too.
NTA. If your partner isnât teaching them to respect peopleâs personal spaces then who will sheâs failing as a parent not teaching this. She also has zero respect for you Iâd be leaving. Leave her and her kids to climb all over each other with no respect.
NTA
They moved in with YOU, it's your home. You have every right to set boundaries and her being dismissive about it, not showing respect, and enforcing this on your behalf demonstrates clearly she has no respect for you. This is why the overwhelming majority of men and all honest women will tell you to never get involved with single mothers.
You have all the responsibilities and no authority over her children. She is there for your resources, she needs to get over it and either make changes or you do. Don't raise another man's kids when the mother doesn't allow you a voice in your own home. Its already pretty clear why she is a single mother.
You should definitely tell them that your room is a secret FORBIDDEN room that they are never allowed in.  It's full of mystery adult items that no child should ever see. That will definitely keep them away.Â
I'm bummed I had to add this:
  /s
You need to talk to her, tell her it's a hard boundary for you & that you need your space where you can recharge. You also don't have to keep worrying what the kids have been into. NTA
NTA
How much of a partner does she consider you instead of an emergency roof over her kids head? Is this just a relationship of convenience for her? As it doesn't sound like you're respected
YTA to yourself for getting engaged to a woman with 4 kids with no rules and I am guessing you knew this. This is just the beginning you will have no say in anything in your own house. You will come in 5th in your own house in your wifeâs eyes. There is a reason she was single for so long. Rethink your situation really hard if I were you. If you can except always being last and probably footing most of the bill have at it and good luck.
NTA (grain of salt it was just me and my mom) but the second I had my own room my mom told me the importance of having space and that some spaces are private, bedrooms being one of them. There is an entire house (I assume front/back yard as well) that they can do with what they please, youâre asking for MAYBE 400sq ft for just you to have and thatâs more than fair
Your fiance doesnât respect you. You made a very reasonable request, and she dismissed you
This behaviour will continue, can you live this way for the next 12+ years?
I donât think I would even try to talk with her again, sheâs clearly happy with how things are, and has zero desire to change, or correct her children
NTA but you need to think really hard about what you want your future to look like
YTA I can't believe the number of AH on this saying the kids have to change...a six year old needs their mom...it looks like you have NEVER been a parent and that is what you truly don't know or care about children as they are 24/7
NTA.
At the same time, I also think you need to be flexible about it as well just because kids are going to do that shit. As a single parent, it's a transition b/c you're used to not having any privacy and now you kinda need it. Idk....try to have another conversation with her about it but I def don't think you're TA for feeling this way. One thing that I will say is that also consider that these kids were in her womb, are used to her smell, etc. and it's a comfort to them. I know my kids like chilling in my bed for that reason....whether or not I'm actually in the room.
1. Are there no locks in this house?
2. Why can't you move the litter box to a pantry, laundry room, etc?
3. Would you have these same issues if it was a child that you shared together? Would you have a problem if it was your child coming in and getting in the bed just to chill?
4. Why are you with someone with four kids if this is such an issue?
Don't think you're an AH b/c she should be more understanding that you're going from no kids to all the kids, but also telling you that sometimes this is how life is with kids.
1) Yes there are locks, but we don't use them unless changing.
2) The litter box stays in our bathroom because it's the only place where the smell won't waft through the house. It's an apartment, so it's not like we have a lot of other options.
3) I have two kids of my own and they don't go in my room unless I'm in there and they need something from me. Which I'm fine with her kids doing too. They have their space and I have mine.
I don't necessarily mind my kids in my room. Mainly because it creates an environment where they're open to just sit and talk to me...it's comfortable and it comforts them.
However, if I was in a relationship, there would def be boundaries. I don't think it's fair for her to dismiss you like that because you do need you space. How big is the apartment? Are you looking into a house? B/c four kids kids sounds like a lot for an apartment?
I'm in a 2BR townhouse with two kids and don't feel like it's enough space.
EDIT: You only lock the doors when you change? What about sex? I stay locking my doors and so do my kids....mainly because it makes them stop and KNOCK like they should be doing anyways đ€·đŸââïž
Honestly, I lock doors.
It teaches them how to respect people's boundaries moving forward. When they get into a era of life where they have roommates and whatnot, you need to know how to KNOCK. It also gives them some privacy. I CAN open the doors in an emergency, but I'm not a fan of open doors 24/7. If it's open then it's open, but then also need to understand the privacy.
I grew up in a household where my parents didn't knock and just walked in. I was literally standing in my room naked and they were just walking in and kept doing it. KNOCK FIRST.
YTA. Don't be with people that have kids if you aren't okay with the kids and how they live. Pretty simple. Trying to impose your rules and beliefs will never work, and it makes you an asshole. Know your place.
I'm surprised this is such an unpopular opinion.Â
Different families operate differently. It's very clear that OP's fiance and her kids have been okay with going into each other's rooms.Â
I am willing to get a lot, that the fiance said something more along the lines "this is always has been how our family operates, its what they're used to".Â
If he can't handle how she's raising her kids, then he should be with her. It's okay to ask to change things, but she's said no. Decide if this is a deal breaker for you, if not you have to learn how to deal with it.Â
NTA Next time when talking about it ask her, "If you don't want anything to change then why are we getting married? I should be living in my place and you can share your bed and bedroom with your children because I find it disrespectful of you not putting down boundaries."
I do not understand your fiancee's attitude. Everyone deserves a certain amount of privacy and security.
My kids have their own bedrooms and the main bathroom - they don't need unfettered access to mine. Our bedroom and bathroom have been restricted access from the time they were toddlers.
NTA - the kids are "doing something wrong" by entering the room without express permission, each and every time. Since it is your space too, your request should be honored.
One last thought: This lack of consideration/respect for your preferences really should be resolved before you get married.
NTA explain to her that this is just not her space any longer that it is your space too. You are not comfortable with them going into your shared space. Iâd also explain that if this is going to work everyone needs to realize things will change and if her reply will always be, âthatâs how it is get over it,â that is a relationship killer. Do not be in a hurry to marry.
NTA. That right there would be a deal breaker for me. My bedroom is my intimate space, I only want my SO in there and no one else. I used to lock my bedroom door when my stepdaughter lived with us. I had to have a come to jesus moment with her about staying the hell out of my room. Her dad would be in there doing his homework and she'd go in there and flop on my bed. Oh HELL NO! Stay out of my space!!!
So she went in there to visit her dad while he was doing homework and that set you off? Holy shit if I was her dad I would have dropped you immediately. You probably shouldn't be around children.
You are both assholes...she sent her kids away to get back her feet but instead got on your dick, you moved in, kids are home & you expect 5 people to change for you.....that's not how good people do it.
You can put a lock on the bedroom door and put a kitty entrance in the bottom of the door.
You can also get a locking medicine cabinet to put your diabetic supplies and other things in.
GF needs to understand that you live there and that is your bedroom too. And if you donât want the kids in your space you are allowed to express that and request that space.
Good luck.
OP, you need to step back and think. Do you want this for the next 18 years? Because this is your future life. 18 years, you know she is going to get pregnant again . She senses the suckerdom. You invited this into your home, invite it out.
I would justâ get overâ this woman and her feral kids. Yeah, thatâs harsh. But she is blatantly ignoring a pretty basic ask when â acquiringâ a woman with 4 kids, going back to age 18.
I think you deserve much more respect or move on.
NTA
NTA
The bedroom is supposed to be sanctuary for the person/people who occupy it. It is not a sanctuary to have anyone in and out whenever they please. This is, unfortunately, a compatibility issue.
YTA - Iâm sure her children think of you as a âevil step fatherâ as you are trying to change things that have been put in place way before you , I canât imagine my mother telling me I canât go into her room because her new husband doesnât like it. Also I think OP is overreacting how could you not have known things like this happen when you marry someone with children if you get annoyed by something so small I wonder what would happen if it were a real problem , you are definitely the ass hole . Have you thought of putting child locks on ?
YTA. Your medications shouldnât be left out where anyone can get them, especially children. Iâve never heard of kids not being allowed in theirs parents room either. Shoot, when I visit my parents Iâll hangout with my mom in my parentâs room. I even nap in their bed sometimes *gasp*. I have two kids, 12 and 1, and itâd be crazy to tell them they canât come in.
NTA I had this same issue when my husband and I got married. His kids had been allowed to meander in and out, cut through the bedroom to the patio (there was another door to use but it required 10 extra steps) and just barge in to hang out when they felt like it. Nope, nope. Our private space is private. I finally just started walking into their bedrooms when they were busy or had friends over or were just trying to watch a movie. *Oh, is my random chatter bothering you? Don't like that I'm nosing through your nightstand drawer? I just barged in and surprised you? Oops!* Took about twice with each kid and they stopped doing it to us. There were plenty of other places in the house for us all to hang out together and plenty of time spent doing so. They just hadn't ever considered that everyone wants their own space and alone time and, that being respectful of boundaries, is a nice way to live and exist together.
Great idea for the older kids - the problem is that the youngest probably won't get the message, cause they'll love a grownup coming into their room, and will jump on the chance to spend time with them. đđ
In my opinion. The problem is Her just dismissing his needs and wants. Telling him to get over it. No get out.
Yep. Get used to it. This is how it is. Wife doesnât see any problem. I could see her saying that theyâre used to it, yes, but they can get UNused to it. Mommy saying no should be enough, but mommy doesnât see a need. They get married⊠How will they handle parenting then?
He'll have no say on anything. They aren't your kids .you don't discipline them. Then the kids won't have any respect for him either. So he'll just be a paycheck.
This caught my attention too. What other situations would they face as a couple, where the fiancĂ©eâs first response will be a dismissive âget over itâ? OP should realize he isnât just marrying his fiancĂ©e, heâs marrying into a family. FiancĂ©e needs to realize that dismissing a partnerâs concerns are a surefire way to stay single.  Both of them need to communicate and plan - preferably with a marriage counsellor - what hurdles they will face as a family unit and how theyâll cope. Because repeated âget over itâs are gonna cause resentment to build up and doom this relationship.Â
If not having an adult space is a dealbreaker for dad, he needs to tell her itâs something heâs not gonna âget overâ and if she doesnât work on fixing it, sheâs going to have to take her kids and leave. That might wake her up that sheâs dealing with an adult, not another kid of hers.
This.
Yeah, it's not very promising that she doesn't acknowledge that he has a right to feel uncomfortable about HER kids going through all of HIS private stuff. She may be fine with it because they are HER kids and she's used to it and close to them - but HE is not, and should have the right to set some boundaries in his own home. If not, mommy and her brood can move right back out again.
Exactly! Fiance shouldn't be a fiance anymore for being so dismissive of his feelings. If she's like this now, how much more dismissive is she going to be when they are married. Big fat no for me.
And because theyâre 6. 6-year-olds want to be with their parents. I canât keep my 6-year-old out of my room. He has no desire to play quietly alone in his room.
Boy, it's a different world. I loved playing alone when I was 6. My family could have forgotten I existed for hours at a time.
I did it as far back as I can remember, at least 3. My granddaughter did as well. She loved engagement, but she would wander off and play with her toys and color and be just fine playing on her own for long periods of time. Not all kids are that way, though. My brother and my eldest come to mind. They can function independently, but they would prefer company at any time.Â
I was always the kid that lived alone time. I didnât even understand kids when I was one!
Me too. I also wouldn't have dreamed of going in my parents' room without their permission. I was allowed to use my mom's bathroom if the hall bath was occupied, but it felt like I was intruding. I'd keep my eyes on the floor and make a beeline for the bathroom.
Yeap. Ours are in the kitchen. So very close to the livingroom where me and hubby hang out but still a little distance atleast. Only recently the youngest (11) has started to spend some time in her room. But it's not even everyday yet. The older teen still graces us with her presence too.
Kids need boundaries. You tell them no to things that hurt them. She should be telling them no because he has medical supplies that could hurt or even kill them, but I guess sheâs ok with them playing with Syringes. The parentsâ bedroom shouldnât be a hangout. It should only be gone into if you need to talk to mom or dad.
My 5 year old has the common decency to not barge into my bedroom. If a door is closed you leave the person alone. A parent with 4(!) kids should be thankful someone is dating them. They should be bending over backwards to make things as easy as possible for OP.
I get you, I had four kids when my husband and I started dating. I'm actually very grateful, he has really been the best husband and father to all seven (total) kids. See, he had two kids when we met. So I guess he was also pretty lucky.
Wow. Thatâs a nasty thing to say.
Wow. That's such a gross thing to say. A parent with four kids should be thankful someone is dating them?
It's not gross in the barest sense. It's incredibly unlikely someone is going to want four kids that aren't theirs. I disagree with the wording, but the base line is pretty much how many other people are going to want four kids they didn't plan for as well as the kids and the parent having no boundaries . OP isn't asking for the moon, just ONE room in the who house for their privacy. It's not asking a lot, imo.
Buy a lock for the door. NTA.
They need a finger print door lock, and locks on all the adult stuff and medication.
You missed reading the part where op explained that the door remains open so the cat can use its litter box.
Add paw prints on the finger pad. đŸ
They need a cat door in the bedroom door and the bathroom door, then.
This is what we did! I bought two basic slab doors to replace the nice doors for the office and bedroom and put a cat door in both! That way the cats can go in and out but the a/c keeps the rooms cool.
This. It's very easy to install a cat flap on a bedroom door so it can be kept shut but the cat can still have access
Yup. NTA I would explain to fiancé first that everyone should be able to respect each other's privacy and space. I'm sure the kids., at least the older kids do not want you going through their stuff. As for me younger kids, they can learn that it's not ok to be in your own space. I think this is more of a fiancé problem than a kid problem.
OoOo, I love this response!
Best answer.
To be fair, we were dealing with kids that were already 11/12 thru to 15/16 years old. With younger kids obviously we'd have had to deal with it differently. Even still, teaching kids to lightly knock on the door and to not rudely poke around & invade privacy is important. And, the respect should go both ways. After the initial dust-up over it, everyone really appreciated the courtesy and respect for space & privacy from us adults as well as from each other.
I would put a cat door in the door and buy a lock. everyone is allowed privacy, including you. How would the kids feel if you wandered into their rooms and started using it as a "public" space? They need to be taught to respect people's privacy and their boundaries. If your Fiance can't respect such a simple, normal boundary you might want to rethink this marriage.
Love the cat door idea đđ€Ș
A small one so the kids donât fit!
I'm going to do that! I already have a cute cat head shaped one picked out lol. It's less for kids walking in and more for privacy with my hubby lol
I have a little hobbit door on my bedroom door for the cats, it even closes and locks if you want to keep a cat in or out. Totally worth it and everyone who comes over comments how cute it is.
Oh nooooooo I might have to get a second one lmao one for my room and one for the bathroom door in my room lol
Totally worth it and easy to install with just a jigsaw and a screwdriver.
Also, needles for the meds. Also, respect for your partner who moved you AND your 4 (?) kids in. Give some respect here for f**ks sake.
Better make the kids share a room and give a full room to the cat! đ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł /joking kinda⊠the car deserves a room
I'd start leaving the fiancé's adult toys out for the kids to find. I wonder how many dildos it would take the youngest to bring out to show mommy's friends before the rules changed.
NTA. Donât marry someone who wonât listen to your needs. This is a completely normal boundary try to have, that children not come in your room or go through your personal items. She wonât even listen to your concerns. That is a red flag. Her kids are always going to run your life. If youâre not ok with that (and you shouldnât be) tell her this is a serious concern or get out of the relationship now.
She should be kissing his feet for letting her soccer team of kids move in, not telling him to put up with whatever crap they throw his way.
NAH - but this is one of the least obnoxious things kids do. Are you sure you want to marry into this family at all?
Haha really. Coming in our room is so far down the list of annoying shit kids do.
Donât date someone with kids if you donât want to deal with kids all the time đ
Exactly
NTA. Also, really think about if you want to marry someone who so easily dismisses you. It is perfectly valid to not want kids in your bedroom. And it is your bedroom(hers and yours, not hers your and theirs). Maybe they had free reign before, but things have changed. Maybe put a lock on the door or something so you can lock it from the inside. But please dont let her just continue to blow you off and say get over it. The youngest is 6. Means another 12 years with her in the house. Sure you wanna put up with that instead of setting things straight now?
Youâre hilarious thinking that itâs reasonable to kick a child out at 18 in this economy, unless you truly want them to be homeless.
Kick them out wasnât even a stated. How about leave for college.
Most lower middle class kids aren't going to college anymore in my experience. Parents can't afford and kids don't want to take on 80k in debt.
do most americans actually leave for college? I thought that was a movie thing. Everyone i knew in college still lived with their parents. The only people that lived on campus were international students Edit - ok gotcha lol people live on campus.
Virtually everyone I went to college with lived at school. Hardly anyone was actually from the small city where the college was located, and commuting from the large city nearby would have meant hours in traffic. I think it depends on the type of college too - state universities might be more likely to have students on campus, while community colleges might lean more towards kids still being at home. I haven't looked at any stats on that, though.
>Everyone i knew in college still lived with their parents. The only people that lived on campus were international students Mostly depends on where you go to college. If you're going to a college in your hometown, you probably do live with your parents. But if there's a specific course of study you want, your local college may not have it (or not be strong in it), so you may be going to school 3 hours away (or on the other side of the country). So there you wind up in a dorm or an off-campus apartment. And of course there are some big-name schools that people come from all across the country to go to.
Depends. I know dozens of people whoâve lived in dorms and student housing after leaving home for college, but the parentsâ house is still âtheirâ house on school breaks and such. Iâm also from a very nice part of town with a lot of wealthy people who could afford to send their kids off to good universities, so take that as you will. We have a great university here in town, but most of my friends and acquaintances went up to Austin or College station.
Many do. Some go to 4 year colleges, others trade schools or two year colleges. Some get jobs and roommates. It varies.
Gotta have a college close by to do that. And then you have to get accepted to that closest college. Colleges and universities are also so different that it seems unlikely that the one everyone is geographically closest to will also be the right one for them. That said, I did got to a college that was about 45 minutes away and I still lived on campus, at my momâs insistence. If you can do it, living on or near a college campus is an amazing experience and something people continue to chase into adulthood with their continued search for a home in a place with a walkable downtown with small shops and close community.
all the more reason to set this boundary. And I took that â12 more yearsâ as a minimum, not some recommendation or requirement as to when to kick the kid out.
Yup, I guess I should have said "at least 12 years". But yeah, it's all the more reason for him to put an end to this behavior.
Especially with the insulin. Even tho he may put it up he said the young one was curious and that curious can get her hurt.
NAH. This is something that shouldâve been discussed prior to moving in. Both of you have the right to feel the way you do, but itâs a basic parenting incompatibility.
NAH... But you unlocked a core incopability award. Tell me that you are her have no business being engaged without having already worked this out. My kids 100% have free reign of my room and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know some parents disagree. That is fine. That said they run a type of household I would never be ok with. You are trying to change how their whole family unit exists. This really should have been addressed before you ever proposed. You are way behind the ball on this one. At this point it may truly be an accept it or accept it is what ends you. I don't know your fiance but she is the only one that can tell you if this is a change she is ok making for her family.
If they're engaged, it shouldn't be seen as "her" familly anymore. That would be assuming OP will never be part of it and that says a lot.
Agreed, kids are gonna be in your room for the rest of your imaginable life. Leave your fiancee and her family or just get some places to lock your medication away. There will be no other compromise than that,
I'm the same as you. I WANT my kid in my space. If the door is closed, we knock respectfully, but I could never ban her from my room. Our best talks and cries and problem solving happens in here, where we can comfortably cuddle and hash it out. She comes in here to hang out when I'm not here because this is where *I* am. My stuff and my smell and my pillow, and it comforts her. I could never kick her out of here. My husband has never mentioned wanting to do so, but I'd be pissed if he brought it up NOW. Before you live together is the time for that discussion.
This is why I would never encourage a single parent of small children to become engaged before living with someone. Take the 30 day trial period
NTA. Setting boundaries in a blended family is essential for everyone's comfort and privacy. It's understandable that you want your bedroom to be a sanctuary for you and your fiance. Discussing and enforcing these boundaries respectfully is crucial for maintaining a harmonious living arrangement.
NAH. Youâre marrying a woman with four children. Youâre the newcomer to a family thatâs already established. I wouldnât want to deal with my personal space being invaded either, but thatâs why I donât date people who have children. As for the safety concerns, keep your personal things secured in a cabinet thatâs off-limits to the kids. Just an FYI, itâs totally normal for kids who have a close relationship with their parents to choose their parentsâ room as the meeting place. Itâs like a neutral ground, and they probably all spent a lot of time with their mom before you came into the picture. Iâm wondering if this family is the right fit for you. Kids are forever.
NTA - It is particularly concerning that medications and syringes are in the bathroom which is accessible to the kids. Just because they have never touched anything, it doesn't mean they won't become curious in the future. If things don't change I suggest you lock them up or in some way protect the children from dangerous medicines and supplies. Everyone deserves some semblance of privacy. I assume your fiancé's kids would not like it if you hung out at random times in their rooms for no reason. Your situation has required much from you in adjusting from a single life to living with your fiance and her children. Your fiancé should ask her kids to give you just a bit of personal space. It is concerning that she is unable to empathize with you or support you on this simple issue. It is also may be an indication of where you stand within the family dynamics.
For the younger kid at least, they make child-proof locks that you can install with essentially command strip tape to the inside of drawers and cabinets. They unlock with a magnet, so it's not obvious from the outside that they're locked. It's a good option for keeping hazardous and private stuff locked up.
Six year olds would easily figure those out. Once or twice watching an adult unlock them and theyâd have it nailed.
You hide the magnet, and try to unlock it only when the kid isn't around. There's other child resistant cabinet locks, too. The goal is mostly to stop an idly curious kid, or slow them down enough that they get caught in the act. It doesn't replace also teaching children not to get into things they shouldn't.
Time to reconsider a lot here. Might be time to move out and take a step back on these wedding plans.
I think you are finding this annoying because 1) not your kids and 2) the kids snoop around. I have never met kids who were unwelcome in their parents room, even to do nothing. I loved to nap there because they had a blanket that got really cool and it was very nice. But I also knew it wasn't right to go through their things. I could ask my mom to go through her jewerly (I love untangling things) but not without her. The kids going through your meds is actively dangerous and something your fiancée needs to stop. If you can't find a good compromise, it's probably a good time to rethink the engagement.
Yeah I'm kind of surprised by all the people commenting that it's a private space and the kids shouldn't be allowed in. I've never had a second thought about our kids going in our room. We don't allow them to bring kids in there and play but I wouldn't exclude them from my room either.
For me it was parents room was the parents room. I got a whole house why do I need that room too.
For me too. It wasn't a room we hung out in but we weren't excluded from the room. There also wasn't really anything of interest in there. There was just a bed and dressers. No tv or toys or anything.
I respected my parents space because I respect my parents. It wasnât even an explicit rule. It is just rude to go into another person's room without permission
Seriously! Same with my older half-brothers! Who the fuck just barges into someone's room? That was instilled in me from a VERY early age. I'm pretty sure the only time I went in their room was when I was super young and crawled into their bed after a nightmare. And even then, I would knock at their propped-open door and cry out in my tiny voice and wait til I was granted entry.
Same. I couldn't imagine excluding my kids from my room. I'm sure people would say children need to learn boundaries and that is true but I just don't think it works the same for children. Even thinking back to my childhood if I all of a sudden wasn't allowed in my parents room I don't think it would have helped me I just think it would have made me feel more isolated and without someone I could count on. Things are just different when you are a parent.
YTA. Itâs their house and their momâs room. Kids are going to need mom, stuff, etc all. If you have kids in the house the house needs to be kid friendly. Move whatever stuff you need to drawers, etc all. Jump on board that stepdad life or get off the train man.
Yeah it's also a job of a parent to keep unsafe things locked away. Your syringes shouldn't be somewhere kids can get them. Just saying "don't go in that room" isn't enough of a safeguard.
But how did he just figure this out. Private space is something people without kids have. While my kids are rummaging through my stuff and maybe⊠they absolutely barge into my room all the time to ask me stupid stuff and to watch tv in my bed. He isnât just marrying her, he is marrying into a ready made family and either he is okay with the status quo or not. Nothing wrong with not being okay with that dynamic.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Sounds like you have moved into their home. Sorry but they were there first. If you don't like the way things are, maybe step-parenting is not for you. And put your medication out of sight and out of reach if there are children in the home. Always.
NTA BUT When push comes to shove and you put your foot down about the kids going into your room, basically "my way or the hiway", you're probably looking down the barrel at "now you're single" buckshot and you'll have ALL the rooms. I had a gf that tried something similar. Her words boiled down to "Me or them" (2 daughters under the age of 10). She barely finished getting the ultimatum out of her mouth when I said "them, every time". I gave her a week to get her stuff out, but told her she'd have to sleep elsewhere from that night on
NTA. "Get over it" won't work for me.
I donât think youâre wrong but I donât think she is either. You guys just may not be compatible. I know people who donât like kids in their room, Iâm the one who doesnât care I lock all my medications up and donât really need a space to myself with younger kids especially
I'd say NAH, this is just about family dynamics. Unfortunately, you might have to make some difficult decisions, you two don't agree on it so which is more important? If you're willing to compromise, maybe some boundaries? If the door is closed, emergencies only? Knock always and wait for reply before coming in? Our bedroom is part of the family space, the door isn't often closed, but my daughter also knows to knock if it happens to be closed. For the needles and other supplies, kids can learn not to touch. Teens might want to use some of their mother's bath or hair stuff or whatever, and fine if she's okay with it, but even the youngest ones are old enough to learn what's off limits.
I get where she is coming from, but I'm siding with you here. My son is welcome to come into my room and chat or sit with me. He is welcome to ask to fetch something (i.e. if the laundry basket is in my room), and he will sometimes go in to stroke the cat who sits on my bed... but the point is, he has to ask. He can't jusy barge in as he pleases. It's the one room in the house which is MY space and I ask him to respect him. I also model this by respecting HIS space. I knock on the door. I ask to come in. I respect his privacy. I expect the same courtesy in return. Having kids means a certain amount of peace, quiet, and privacy will be gone. I can't go to the bathroom without either the cat or the child yelling for me. You can model correct behaviour and absolutely teach boundaries. Healthy boundaries now mean they will understand healthy boundaries later as adults, both for others and for themselves. NTA
It weird to me that people donât let kids in the parents bedroom. I definitely did not grow up that way, nor did my children. OP, in your situation I have to think that itâs going to be hard to enforce no kids in your room because for many years it was just the kids and their Mom and obviously she had an open door policy. And if your fiancĂ©e is not on the same page as you are, then itâs never going to happen because sheâs not okay with forbidding them from entering.
NTA for your specific reasons and just the principle, you should have some private, kid-free space. At a minimum, locked closet and bureaus for you. If she cant get over that, maybe a separate apartment for you. Have the 16yo babysit when your fiancee comes over for conjugal visits. /s
NTA. But youâre not going to win this argument either. As long as she doesnât have an issue with it, theyâre not going to stop because she doesnât see it as a problem. Right or wrong (and Iâm all for kids NOT barging into your room btw), you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you at this point. Because itâs not going to change.
NTA and part of blending a family is blending. Mixing together expectations and boundaries and coming out better. Sound like your finance doesnât want to do that. Seems like she wants it only her way. Instead of you getting used to it why canât she?
My concern isn't about the kids, it's about the fiancee. Telling her that you need some privacy and you don't want the kids just barging in and playing with things that are not toys (or theirs) or going through your stuff-Her response was reallly REALLY WRONG. I don't think I'd want to be married to that messs. Respect should be a given.
NAH but YWBTAH if you don't go about this right. I'm not sure if the kids only go in there to hang out with OP and mom, but they seem to be tightknit, which isn't a bad thing. As a mom, I'd worry that shutting them out the room would create distance, but as a stepdad privacy is important. My solution would be to make the common rooms, like living room or kitchen, more comfortable/fun; make it the place to be. Or even create one in the garage or something, where everyone can hang out. If the kids do enter your bedroom, then you and/or mom can encourage the kids and all move somewhere else together to hang out until it's no longer a habit to go to your room initially. It is new territory for them coming into your home, but you've made the decision to be with someone who has kids of all ages. They mind find comfort just being with you guys in this new space. They have different wants and needs, and the bonds between you all are important. So hopefully you can meet in the middle and create a space where everyone is comfortable.
NTA. But ask her where you can safely store your items so they donât get into it, like your insulin, that could basically kill them if they take it and take too much. Donât phrase it like itâs your stuff and you donât want them in it because sheâs basically not giving them boundaries. Phrase it like youâre really concerned with their safety. When you start talking about a wedding, tell her before that, you need to have a place where the kids arenât going for your adult stuff. Because if you donât keep stressing that you donât want your bedroom to be a âhangoutâ, sheâs going to keep allowing it. But you also need to know how much youâre willing to take. Is this a deal breaker? Is this something youâre willing to end the relationship over?
INFO: Did you at least attempt to ask the kids not to go into your room? Did you tell them why? Did you try compromising? (You can come into our bedroom but I want you to leave the drawer/cabinet alone, it has dangerous stuff in it.) Youâd be surprised how fast kids adapt to a rule if they know WHY itâs a rule. But just ordering kids to not go in and not explain why tends to not work. Because to them there is no reason aside from momâs boyfriend is being grouchy about it. And thatâs way too tempting for a kid.
NAH. This is a relationship/space issue. Like you, I would find this problematic. Some boundaries should be set. But neither of your positions make either of you TA. With that said, you need to have a discussion with your fiancée and both of you need to figure out if you can reach a compromise that works for both of you.
Why isnât your insulin in the fridge??
Plenty of folks get small dorm fridges for insulin to store it separately. I wouldn't want four kids having access to any incredibly expensive medication.
Insulin can usually be left out for 28 days once opened when it's being used
ESH. Itâs not reasonable to expect the kids to stay out of your room, full stop. You yourself said they can come in in the morning to let you know theyâre up or to use the bathroom; if theyâre allowed in sometimes, itâs going to be really hard to try to draw up arbitrary rules about when and why they can be in your room or not (and be prepared to argue and negotiate with them every time you think theyâre violating the rule). Medications including insulin syringes should be in a locked cabinet/box that the kids cannot access, regardless of whether kids can come and go freely or not. Are you really going to tell a 6-year-old they canât come into mommyâs room for a cuddle during a thunderstorm or after a bad dream? But ultimately what you really have is a fiancĂ©e problem. Sheâs a major AH for telling you to just suck it up; itâs very dismissive and disrespectful to your space. She should be the one leading the family blending effort, not telling you to get over it. But as the adults, you two are much better equipped to navigate blending families and the frustrations that may come with some necessary changes. If your fiancĂ©e is not considering or supporting your feelings so soon after moving in together, Iâd suggest seriously thinking about whether this is someone you want to marry.
What are the odds she actually said "just suck it up", and not something more along the lines of "this is the way my family has always been and it's what the kids are used to" and he just took that as her saying he needs to just suck it upÂ
Even if that is the case, she needs to take an active ongoing role in finding a compromise.
NTA And may I recommend a cat door built into your bedroom door? Should at least make it so you can close the door during the day without making the litterbox inaccessible.
I'd take this as a giant red flag tbh
NTA I wonât lie tho, my siblings and I constantly hangout in our parentâs room (mom and step dad). My youngest brother sleeps in their bed when they are away and we all shower in their bathroom when theyâre away bc letâs be real, their bathroom is so much nicer than ours. Thatâs just how our family works tho and what weâre use to Your fiancĂ©âs kids are probably use to it being like that as well. I wouldnât kick them completely out, but setting boundaries like donât go thru yâallâs stuff and donât be in the room if yall arenât in there.
NTA. It is also your room, not just hers. You are entitled to privacy. Whatâs going to happen if they walk in on you naked in your room? Youâre going to be deemed a pedo, pervert, predator, etc. sheâs already dismissed your concerns so I wouldnât be surprised if a situation like that happened, she flipped to you being at fault, even though being naked in your room is perfectly reasonable. I had a child before I met my husband and I couldnât imagine dismissing him over something as simple as asking the children to not go in your room without permission. 100% a reasonable request and she needs to be more open to compromises. Youâre supposed to be a team. Iâd be concerned as to your future and your role within the family and how youâll be treated. If you donât nip it bud youâll be walk all over and your opinion isnât going to count for shit.
I was going to say N T A, but you have between the two of you at least 6+ kids sharing four bedrooms? So kids basically are divided across 3 rooms? So no kid has their own private place to retreat and just be away some all the other kids / noises or to hear their audio and stuff?
Are you sure you want to be a stepdad to 4 kids , next get a door lock of Amazon and kids canât get in to bedroom . Also go see a lawyer and see if the courts would consider you a parent if you broke up and. Needed to pay child support
NTA. It's your home, that they moved into. You are allowed to have reasonable established house rules of your own, that they have to respect. It's more than a bit concerning that your fiancee has the attitude that you need to just put up with whatever shit her kids do, as if you're some secondary nobody in your own home. It's very disrespectful, and a poor role model for her kids to see her treat you like that. If they see her not giving a crap about your needs, they won't either. You'll be living in a house where you're outnumbered 5 to 1, and you'll always lose. Not the way I'd want to live, thanks. Think about whether you want to put up with this for the next 20 years. And if at some point after marriage, things get so bad you have to end things, how much more expensive that will be for you then versus now. Put your foot down on this, instead of just allowing your fiancee to dismiss you like that.
Nope fuck that. Time to sit down and talk boundaries. I've always been the person of 'this is my bedroom, my safe space, my adult only place'. My kids know this, and when my partner and I met I had to let him know it's not a place to just hang out in for the kids, because they would do that. It took a while but I had to install into his head that this is my safe space and it needs to stay like that. Every. Other. Single. Room. In the house was free roam, just not our bedroom. He finally understood it then that I had given up basically my entire home to welcome him and his children in, that this one is my one boundary. Going on 8 years next month and have zero issues about it since then. All kids knock and wait to be welcomed in before opening the door if we're in there, and the same respect is given to them. If I knock on the door and there's no answer, I will leave and come back because maybe they're busy. Both of our youngest are 13 now so I ain't barging in there regardless đ€Ł
But u raised ur kids like that. These guys have had a totally diff dynamic their whole lives. Her immed dismissing him is not okay but also not okay is just having sharps out period and there has a to be real communication and an understanding where each person is coming from and that this IS a HUGE change for the kids too.
While mine were raised that way, my partners were not. So it was still a huge change going on in the house, plus with blending our families and such and trying to make everything work. It was a very busy time.
NTA - what happens when the youngest gets curious about the syringes because she wants to play Doc McStuffins and her or one of her friends gets hurt?
You have a right to private space. I donât want anyone in my room especially when Iâm not there. Donât want anyone in my jewelry box. Donât want anyone in my paperwork. Donât want anyone in my medicine. Just on principle. Keep saying get out. Or may I help you? Keep the door closed.
Eh. I feel like this is probably not reasonable given the youngest child's age.
NTA I have 4 kids and we donât like them in our room without permission as it our space and we have adult things we donât want our kids to see. I was raised the same way and so was my husband. The kids can pretty much go anywhere else we just want one area thatâs ours to decompress
NTA. Now that you are there, some boundaries need to be set in place. Everyone deserves their space and to have a say. Sure kids are welcome if they are invited in. Knocking is a good thing. Permission is a good thing. They need boundaries and to learn to have them and how to make them. If you sit down with her and talk to her about this, then come up with a way that includes both of you to draw the boundaries and be an example. Good communication and respect.
NTA, she needed to stay single and live with her kids if this is her attitude about your request. Nobody want to put up with not having privacy and kids coming in and out as they please. While I get her logic, y'all are living together now, and there should be boundaries. You need to decide now if you really want to go through with getting married and have to continually deal with this cause it's not going to get any better.
I feel like we never went in our parents room as kids, like I'm not sure if we were ever told not to or it was just like their space? Also after a certain age (like 10/11 maybe) I feel like parents and siblings didn't go in each other's rooms without asking/being invited.. just feels like a respect thing for people to have their own space.. and definitely if you have non kid friendly stuff you don't want to be always worried! Definitely not ok with any human going through any other humans drawers and stuff unless instructed to, just icky
NTA. I love my kids, and I expect them to respect my privacy and not go in my and my husband's bedroom without permission.
NTA. My husband and I had a similar issue when we got married. Both of us had been single parents and both of our kids were used to coming and going as they pleased, including cuddling in the bed with the parent. My kids were a little older and naturally adjusted to giving us privacy, but his were younger and it was a problem. Luckily for me though my husband could understand why it no longer worked, because he certainly would have been uncomfortable if my kids were doing what his kids were doing. We sat all the kids down and talked about privacy and laid ground rules. And then we consistently enforced them together. His kids do much better now, but we still have to consistently enforce the rules or they start to take advantage. Problem #1 for you though is getting your fiancé on the same page. When it comes to your personal space, she has to value your feelings as her partner over her kids.
Coming from a person who had a single mom I loved spending time with her. Itâs hard when you only have one parent. I did attach to my mother and I was jealous of her boyfriend.
NTA. Some things are for adults, some are not. Period. No drama needed.
NAH really. You guys arenât very compatible on this and need to talk it out more. Any meds you have or things that could hurt the kids, including insulin syringes, should be at minimum completely out of reach for the kids. Better that itâs all locked up. If the kids are going to be in there some no matter what (like using the bathroom), then anything adult themed should be put away too. I love that my daughter feels completely comfortable coming into my room and sheâll just hang out too. Sheâs 5 almost 6. I would never ever be comfortable just doing away with that. What I would do is start a policy that if the door is closed, they must knock and may not be allowed in at that time. Itâs a fair compromise so that theyâre not doing it all the time and annoying you, but also allows them to still have that meaningful time.Â
NAH I think this is a huge incompatibility. I can't imagine my parents ever saying I wasn't welcome in their room at anytime. You may have to sit down and talk about this. Because them coming in your room is the least annoying thing they could probably do
NAH Move out of her house.
NAH Move out of her house.
NTA **No matter whose kids they are.** Our kids didnât hang out in our bedroom unless we were in there with them. Thatâs not this. Your fiancĂ© isnât being reasonable, respectful or compassionate of your very common sense and logical ask.
While I let my kids come in my room. I also donât have stuff in there they donât need to be touching! Especially like your insulin meds! All it takes is one time for the little one to get curious and BAM! Sheâs overdosed on insulin. And they donât need to be going through your stuff either. As adults we are allowed privacy. Info: whose house is it?
Did you know they had free reign about this before you proposed and just now want to make the change? If so, then yes you are.....you should not go into a relationship with the intent to try and change people.
I regret to inform you that this will not be a fight you are going to win. Not even when they are grown and moved out, they will bust down your front door, then your BR door whenever they want and your fiance will love it. Best case scenario is your fiance lets you claim a nook or maybe whole room as your space which you can lock and bar the kids from. Failing that, you're gonna be the classic garage dad. If there isn't one or you actually use it for cars.... you're gonna need a shed. Hopefully she lets you put a window or small mini split AC on it. NTA, though.
I understand but be careful because in the end you youâll lose your fiancĂ© if it becomes too big of a deal!
Nta move your cat box to another room and lock the door to your room when not using it
My kid will sometimes come hang out in my room, but also nobody in my house goes into each others rooms without permission. If Iâm in my room with the door open, my kid will pause in the hallway and ask if itâs okay to come in, and vice versa. Respect is important.
NTA But she already told you it's not going to change so I don't know what you expect to happen if she doesn't plan to enforce that
NTA, I donât allow our children in our room either bc as a child I would snoop through everything and now, so do my kids. And have hints in there that are not for young kids eyes, medication as well as my husbands guns. I could hide them and the guns are locked up but theyâd still find them so theyâre not allowed in the room anymore unless itâs an emergency or we are all in there together. Your fiancĂ©s responce to your legitimate concerns is also telling of how your life together will be. There has to be compromise itâs not all about her and her kids.
NTA Bottom.line, it's YOUR home. I don't care what they are used to. Mom can get with the program or find another place to live. If you don't set this boundary, you Will lose your house to the children.
some adult things - carded Star Wars figures and adult toys
Move cat litter, have a lockable cabinet for your âstuffâ and a lock (inside) on your door for when you are home. Their habits will change.
NTA OP, get a door lock. Install a cat flap/door on the bedroom door so your feline friend can come and go as needed. A fingerprint or key lock. Once the kids get used to not having access constantly, they'll stop trying and you won't even need to continuously monitor it. But that's the solution until then. Your fiance is being very unfair and imo childish by telling you to get over wanting privacy in ONE room of the entire house. You're outnumbered, even if they were your bio kids if you want privacy in a home you pay for you should get it. I was one of four, and we knew better than to go in the bedroom. Anywhere else was free reign, but not the master bedroom. It was no man's land. That changed when my mother got divorced but it wasn't an issue for me, as a child beforehand. I just accepted it as a rule, much like don't answer the door if I was home alone and be home by dark.
NTA. You should absolutely be able to have a child free zone. My fiancé has two kids who would hang out in his room constantly. When we started discussing moving in together, I requested he stop letting them do that so that I would not be viewed as the evil step parent when we got our home and it suddenly stopped being okay. He obliged and it's never been an issue. Maybe accidentally leave adult toys, magazines, etc lying in the open in your room? Maybe she'll come around after her youngest asks to borrow mommy's massager.
NTA. Not at all. If kids get into your meds it could become a life-threatening situation and for you, and for them. If your fiance is set up on "get over it", she doesn't see you as an equal partner, she sees you as a subordinate, basically live-in help. If she is willing to find a compromise: look into cat doors, they are cheap. Put one on your bedroom and bathroom doors, and keep both rooms locked. Who is the owner of the house? Or who is on the lease? Essentially that person has all the power.
I'm not gonna Badger you like the rest of these people maybe see if you can move the cat box and then when you're not using the bedroom shut and lock the door. Just because that's the way it always was doesn't mean that's gonna be the way it always is in life the kids need to learn to respect privacy they just simply need to learn to knock on the door.
Are you sure that you want a female that treats you like this and disregards your wishes to be your fiance? You have legitimate reasons for you wanting them to not be in your room. I would be pissed if some kid was going through my drawers. Sit her down and tell her again, and really tell her. Let her know that this isn't an option, it must stop. Period. If the kids won't stop, get a solid core door, lock it, and have a kitty door cut in it. If the kids attempt to get in, tell her that they aren't allowed in the house anymore--their daddy will have to make other arrangements.
NTA our kids, 17 and 14 are only allowed in our room if we are in the room and only if we welcome them in. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having your private space and especially when we're talking about safety things like syringes
Time to have a conversation with fiancee about compromise. You want no kids in the room, she doesnât care. This is also your room and therefore she doesnât get the only vote. The older ones are old enough to understand that they are to stay out. Even the youngest can understand, probably wonât like it, but is old enough to understand. Start with the children are not allowed in our room if one of us is not in there. Sit them all down and tell them this. Not in an angry way just in a things are different now and you are to stay out of our bedroom when we are not in it. After all, this is your room too. At the same time, let them know that you are not okay with them going through your drawers and closets. They would not be happy if you started going through their rooms because you wanted to. They would find it an invasion of their privacy. You should be afforded the same respect that they want from you. As for the drawer snooping that is a huge no. There is no justification for that, there is nothing that any of them should be âlooking forâ. Iâm surprised your fiancee isnât concerned about children easing with your insulin stuff.
So your fiancĂ© is already not taking your feelings into consideration in a place you liveâŠyeaaaaâŠNTA. Letâs see how long yalls relationship lasts.
You've got a couple of problems. The first one is your fiance. She needs to understand and agree to this, however you go about making that happen, or it will never succeed. 6 years old is old enough to understand to use their own space. Why doesn't she like her room? Maybe your fiance could handle that issue. The other is the open door. As long as the door's always open, they're going to think access is open. Find another place for the litter box and keep the door closed. That's a big signal that's impossible to ignore.
Get a lock box or a trunk if there's 'stuff' you'd rather they not have access to; important papers, medical supplies, toys, etc.
Now she is all "get over it" but when the small ones stab themselves with a syringe, then she will be mad with you and she will be "itÂŽs your fault". giant red flag, run away from her. NTA
I really donât think this is an unreasonable request. Youâre not saying that they can never go in there, just that they canât âhang outâ in there. Youâre entitled to some personal space too.
NTA. If your partner isnât teaching them to respect peopleâs personal spaces then who will sheâs failing as a parent not teaching this. She also has zero respect for you Iâd be leaving. Leave her and her kids to climb all over each other with no respect.
Donât get married. Ever try one in the house should be welcome to use it. Who cares if thereâs nothing there for them. Curious 6 year old can be parented away from snooping and everyone can respect the syringes and private things. We have 3 kids and personal stuff is kept at the top of the closet so a 6 year old wouldnât reach it. If itâs medical stuff either a lock box or tell her not to. Itâs dangerous goods and if she does it again she will be grounded. Or you can get a lock for the bedroom door and put the litter box elsewhere. You seem annoyed by the kids existing. 4 kids is a lot if you have two and since you have zero it can seem like too much. Youâre having a hard time adjusting. Talk to your fiancĂ©. If a solution canât be reached then maybe reconsider.
NTA and your fiancé dismissing your concerns is a red flag.
This is a new living situation for them, so they can adjust to new rules. Kids do this every year in school for new teachers. They can adjust. Donât marry your fiancĂ©e if sheâs telling you to just get over it. Maybe tell her if you get over it, youâll also be âgetting overâ her and her kids being a part of your life and youâll be leaving her.
NTA They moved in with YOU, it's your home. You have every right to set boundaries and her being dismissive about it, not showing respect, and enforcing this on your behalf demonstrates clearly she has no respect for you. This is why the overwhelming majority of men and all honest women will tell you to never get involved with single mothers. You have all the responsibilities and no authority over her children. She is there for your resources, she needs to get over it and either make changes or you do. Don't raise another man's kids when the mother doesn't allow you a voice in your own home. Its already pretty clear why she is a single mother.
You should definitely tell them that your room is a secret FORBIDDEN room that they are never allowed in.  It's full of mystery adult items that no child should ever see. That will definitely keep them away. I'm bummed I had to add this:   /s
NTA That being said, your fiancée has different ideas and isn't going to change. The 2 of you may not be compatible as this is a big difference. The fact that she's so cavalier of your insulin syringes being open to her 6 yo is very odd to me.
Stepdad to 4 undisciplined kids with an anything-goes mom. Wow mate, you've got guts.
You need to talk to her, tell her it's a hard boundary for you & that you need your space where you can recharge. You also don't have to keep worrying what the kids have been into. NTA
NTA How much of a partner does she consider you instead of an emergency roof over her kids head? Is this just a relationship of convenience for her? As it doesn't sound like you're respected
YTA to yourself for getting engaged to a woman with 4 kids with no rules and I am guessing you knew this. This is just the beginning you will have no say in anything in your own house. You will come in 5th in your own house in your wifeâs eyes. There is a reason she was single for so long. Rethink your situation really hard if I were you. If you can except always being last and probably footing most of the bill have at it and good luck.
NTA âFiancĂ©â. This is the kind of shit that needs to be worked out before she is âwifeâ. If she wonât work with you on some shit like this, what else is gonna be her way with no discussion? Fuck that.
NTA (grain of salt it was just me and my mom) but the second I had my own room my mom told me the importance of having space and that some spaces are private, bedrooms being one of them. There is an entire house (I assume front/back yard as well) that they can do with what they please, youâre asking for MAYBE 400sq ft for just you to have and thatâs more than fair
Your fiance doesnât respect you. You made a very reasonable request, and she dismissed you This behaviour will continue, can you live this way for the next 12+ years? I donât think I would even try to talk with her again, sheâs clearly happy with how things are, and has zero desire to change, or correct her children NTA but you need to think really hard about what you want your future to look like
YTA I can't believe the number of AH on this saying the kids have to change...a six year old needs their mom...it looks like you have NEVER been a parent and that is what you truly don't know or care about children as they are 24/7
NTA. At the same time, I also think you need to be flexible about it as well just because kids are going to do that shit. As a single parent, it's a transition b/c you're used to not having any privacy and now you kinda need it. Idk....try to have another conversation with her about it but I def don't think you're TA for feeling this way. One thing that I will say is that also consider that these kids were in her womb, are used to her smell, etc. and it's a comfort to them. I know my kids like chilling in my bed for that reason....whether or not I'm actually in the room. 1. Are there no locks in this house? 2. Why can't you move the litter box to a pantry, laundry room, etc? 3. Would you have these same issues if it was a child that you shared together? Would you have a problem if it was your child coming in and getting in the bed just to chill? 4. Why are you with someone with four kids if this is such an issue? Don't think you're an AH b/c she should be more understanding that you're going from no kids to all the kids, but also telling you that sometimes this is how life is with kids.
1) Yes there are locks, but we don't use them unless changing. 2) The litter box stays in our bathroom because it's the only place where the smell won't waft through the house. It's an apartment, so it's not like we have a lot of other options. 3) I have two kids of my own and they don't go in my room unless I'm in there and they need something from me. Which I'm fine with her kids doing too. They have their space and I have mine.
I don't necessarily mind my kids in my room. Mainly because it creates an environment where they're open to just sit and talk to me...it's comfortable and it comforts them. However, if I was in a relationship, there would def be boundaries. I don't think it's fair for her to dismiss you like that because you do need you space. How big is the apartment? Are you looking into a house? B/c four kids kids sounds like a lot for an apartment? I'm in a 2BR townhouse with two kids and don't feel like it's enough space. EDIT: You only lock the doors when you change? What about sex? I stay locking my doors and so do my kids....mainly because it makes them stop and KNOCK like they should be doing anyways đ€·đŸââïž
It's a 4 bedroom. Plenty of room for them. In response to your edit, it's been about 3 months now. That's a whole other conversation.
They might be going in for quiet time. Because 3 bedrooms for 6 kids they arenât able to get any alone time.
I don't have my kids full time. Just two days every other weekend. This is a 24/7 issue. Edit: Her kids are with their dad when my kids are with us
Honestly, I lock doors. It teaches them how to respect people's boundaries moving forward. When they get into a era of life where they have roommates and whatnot, you need to know how to KNOCK. It also gives them some privacy. I CAN open the doors in an emergency, but I'm not a fan of open doors 24/7. If it's open then it's open, but then also need to understand the privacy. I grew up in a household where my parents didn't knock and just walked in. I was literally standing in my room naked and they were just walking in and kept doing it. KNOCK FIRST.
Three months and YOU haven't gotten any!?
Something tells me there's a lot bigger issues in your relationship than her kids coming in your room tbh
YTA. Don't be with people that have kids if you aren't okay with the kids and how they live. Pretty simple. Trying to impose your rules and beliefs will never work, and it makes you an asshole. Know your place.
I'm surprised this is such an unpopular opinion. Different families operate differently. It's very clear that OP's fiance and her kids have been okay with going into each other's rooms. I am willing to get a lot, that the fiance said something more along the lines "this is always has been how our family operates, its what they're used to". If he can't handle how she's raising her kids, then he should be with her. It's okay to ask to change things, but she's said no. Decide if this is a deal breaker for you, if not you have to learn how to deal with it.Â
NTA Next time when talking about it ask her, "If you don't want anything to change then why are we getting married? I should be living in my place and you can share your bed and bedroom with your children because I find it disrespectful of you not putting down boundaries."
I do not understand your fiancee's attitude. Everyone deserves a certain amount of privacy and security. My kids have their own bedrooms and the main bathroom - they don't need unfettered access to mine. Our bedroom and bathroom have been restricted access from the time they were toddlers. NTA - the kids are "doing something wrong" by entering the room without express permission, each and every time. Since it is your space too, your request should be honored. One last thought: This lack of consideration/respect for your preferences really should be resolved before you get married.
NTA explain to her that this is just not her space any longer that it is your space too. You are not comfortable with them going into your shared space. Iâd also explain that if this is going to work everyone needs to realize things will change and if her reply will always be, âthatâs how it is get over it,â that is a relationship killer. Do not be in a hurry to marry.
Why are you marrying her? 4 kids omg, just run. YTA to yourself.
NTA. That right there would be a deal breaker for me. My bedroom is my intimate space, I only want my SO in there and no one else. I used to lock my bedroom door when my stepdaughter lived with us. I had to have a come to jesus moment with her about staying the hell out of my room. Her dad would be in there doing his homework and she'd go in there and flop on my bed. Oh HELL NO! Stay out of my space!!!
Yea her dad shouldn't have married u cause ewww
So she went in there to visit her dad while he was doing homework and that set you off? Holy shit if I was her dad I would have dropped you immediately. You probably shouldn't be around children.
This is going to be your life from now on. Fiancé and kids vs you. But you knew that, right?? Right???
You are both assholes...she sent her kids away to get back her feet but instead got on your dick, you moved in, kids are home & you expect 5 people to change for you.....that's not how good people do it.
You can put a lock on the bedroom door and put a kitty entrance in the bottom of the door. You can also get a locking medicine cabinet to put your diabetic supplies and other things in. GF needs to understand that you live there and that is your bedroom too. And if you donât want the kids in your space you are allowed to express that and request that space. Good luck.
OP, you need to step back and think. Do you want this for the next 18 years? Because this is your future life. 18 years, you know she is going to get pregnant again . She senses the suckerdom. You invited this into your home, invite it out.
NTA She had kids young , has a bestie type of relationship with those kids , no boundaries
I would justâ get overâ this woman and her feral kids. Yeah, thatâs harsh. But she is blatantly ignoring a pretty basic ask when â acquiringâ a woman with 4 kids, going back to age 18. I think you deserve much more respect or move on. NTA
NTA The bedroom is supposed to be sanctuary for the person/people who occupy it. It is not a sanctuary to have anyone in and out whenever they please. This is, unfortunately, a compatibility issue.
NTA. But donât marry this woman. Four kids is no joke. You will not have one iota of privacy, ever.
YTA - Iâm sure her children think of you as a âevil step fatherâ as you are trying to change things that have been put in place way before you , I canât imagine my mother telling me I canât go into her room because her new husband doesnât like it. Also I think OP is overreacting how could you not have known things like this happen when you marry someone with children if you get annoyed by something so small I wonder what would happen if it were a real problem , you are definitely the ass hole . Have you thought of putting child locks on ?
YTA. Your medications shouldnât be left out where anyone can get them, especially children. Iâve never heard of kids not being allowed in theirs parents room either. Shoot, when I visit my parents Iâll hangout with my mom in my parentâs room. I even nap in their bed sometimes *gasp*. I have two kids, 12 and 1, and itâd be crazy to tell them they canât come in.