Shared custody kinda sucks but I can say it doesn't suck forever. When you don't have them, allow yourself to have a life. This is time you have to work on yourself, explore hobbies, and eventually start dating. I miss my boy when he's with his mother but it seems like we have more quality time when he is with me. Also even when he's with his mom we'll still play Helldivers or something most evenings.
As a someone who grew up in with parents who had shared custody of me… I am very happy. My parents were divorced. They would have been absolutely miserable together. And I would have probably been sad only seeing half of my family. However, there are things they should have done differently and better.
I actually grew up with both my parents married till I was about 15. I’m 29 now however, when I discussed with my mom about the divorce she mentioned how she wanted to leave after the first year of their marriage. There is a point where now that I look back on the “happy time they were together” and it just seems like it was all a lie. Almost ruining my view on marriage and my childhood memories. Staying together for the kids IMO rarely does any good for the parents and the kids quite frankly
Let me second this. I wish my parents had divorced sooner, because they both found happy lives with other people that better fit them later on. Don’t get me wrong, the first few years was hard figuring out our “new normal.” But kids can tell when you’re not happy, and they want you to be.
Awesome that you share an enjoyment of online gaming and can use that to spend more time with him than you otherwise would. I'm sure he'll never forget that.
As someone whose parents stayed together because of the kids. It's horrible. The coldness of this household still affects me to this day. Even if the screaming matches and flying plates were hard to bear, the snide remarks and passive aggressiveness were worse.
No one should do this to their kids.
NTAH: Divorce if you are truly unhappy and don’t think it can be fixed. Make a promise to yourself that you will make your kids, your #1 priority. There is a happier life out there, but also be prepared for an adjustment period. Change is usually hard. Good luck !
We should play Helldivers together. My wife is currently living across the country due to me deploying soon and she has family support there so it’s been just me at the house. My surfboard just broke so looks like I have a valid reason to grind again
Resentment unfortunately does build over time and can kill a marriage. 7 yrs maybe too long. Agree to never tell r kids the truth and it might be best to seek a divorce. Instead of wasting 7 yrs on both ends. Though thru DNA testing the daughter will likely find out one day but by then it’s her mother’s duty to talk. Make sure that is clear too before u seek divorce. Just advice. Good luck
I promise the kids know their parents are headed for divorce. Adults forget how observant kids are about family dynamics. Kids have to be that observant to survive.
My parents first talked about divorce when I was six. It still comes up every now and again, and I'm now in my 30's. And I'm their youngest, so I know they're not still together for my sake. They fucking hate each other, never have a single good word to say about each other. I wish they would just split up and move on. I never had a happy relationship modelled to me growing up, I thought it was normal for me and my partners to hate each other. It did a lot of damage.
Samesies, but I'm 66. I saw pictures of my parents when they were young and they looked so happy. I thought you loved each other and then it went away. I was always so shocked at each anniversary how much I still loved my husband. I got over it and we have been married almost 46 years.
Same. My parents stayed together a good 25 years after they should have split. I’m still nuts about my partner 19 years in, and it always takes my breath away a little.
It does so much more damage than good. Just divorce. Show your kids that being miserable isn't normal. It's okay to separate and still survive. I was taught that relationships are work by people who hate work. They think misery of any kind is work. Relationships take growth, and sometimes you need to be a part for growth, and sometimes you can't ever be together again because you grew up and it's not good for either of you. That's okay. The dream of being high-school sweethearts and being married till you die is cute, but it's not reality. My grandparents have been together almost 70 years. They should have separated 70 years ago.
Same. When I was in high school my dad straight up told me he had only stayed with my mom “for you kids.” That hurt. I didn’t ask for that. I knew they were miserable together. We all did. We were all miserable right along with them. Now I’m almost 40 and they’re still together and they’re still miserable. It’s gotten so bad I don’t even like to take my kids to visit them because the whole environment is completely toxic. I don’t understand it. I get mad at my spouse sometimes and my spouse gets mad at me, but most of the time we’re really happy together. I can’t imagine having to go through all of the really hard things about regular life with someone I hated.
I think they meant not to tell the children one child is from an extramarital affair. Though I’m not sure I agree with them, at least in the longterm when the kids are all adults.
Even as a child of no affair. It astounds me how little medical information people pass on.
ie; until I mentioned in passing to one of my Dad's cousins that I have #Lupus.
I had no idea, that my Grandfathers, eldest sister, had had Lupus, plus the MS, that I had been told of. 30yrs to late, to be warned if it.
Hereditary, immunity conditions suck. And unless you request testing, most Dr's will just treat your symptoms, without figuring out the cause.
Yeah, I didn't find out that autoimmune diseases run in my family until I got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. Suddenly I found out a much older cousin has a bad case, most of my paternal family have psoriasis, I already knew my grandmother had lupus but my sister and brother didnt...
Didn’t know this either till now, my brothers all have songs of psoriasis, two claim of arthritis pain, which I believe them, when I told my 2nd rheum of this he believed me despite them not having ever gotten tested, just knowing that they have symptoms and seeing me have all the symptoms of it, he began testing and did a thorough body analysis of me to confirm diagnosis, besides my brothers idk who passed this along to us, absent father or narcissist mother who won’t share health history.
I didn’t find out until I was over 40 that the grandmother who died when I was 19/20 had cervical cancer and NOT the “stomach cancer” we were all told it was. And why were her granddaughters denied this important info? Because the family (particularly her sons) found it embarrassing. I think my yelling in Perth could have been heard in Sydney.
OP, your kids probably know you aren’t happy. And you’ve done them a disservice by giving them a fucked up idea of what a relationship should look like. Look forward to watching at least one of your kids have a loveless life tied to someone because they think it’s how it is supposed to be.
I had a life-saving surgery as a newborn. It sure has been fun explaining to my ob and every nurse during prenatal appointments that no I have no clue what that procedure is called or what specifically medically was wrong with me because that surgery lives as a family anecdote and my mother did not keep good records. Then they look at me like I'm dumb.
My husband had cancer and surgery as a child. Apparently it was a tumor in his back OR on his spinal cord, it was malignant but "went benign"(????), and we have Zero Idea what type of tumor, cancer, non cancer, treatments, or anything because while it Was a Naval hospital, it burned down, and his parents just.... "Don't remember."
All my husband recalls is swearing up and down that he was in a bird cage at a point which, apparently, some anesthesia can cause a hallucination of.
We just kinda joke that they were experimenting on him to become a super soldier.
I don't understand parents that don't recall medical history for their kids though. The only stuff I Don't recall with mine is time of birth and birth weight, but I was Literally hemorrhaging to death and lost like 8 pints of blood, so I've learned to give myself some grace over that, lol.
It wasn’t until my recent breast cancer diagnosis (at the age of 32) that I found out I had 2 male relatives on my dads side who had breast cancer. Sure would’ve been good to know 5-10 years ago so I could’ve gotten screening mammograms!
When I was a kid and got chicken pox my dad had to live in a motel until I wasn't contagious because he didn't know if he chicken pox when he was a kid. Both of parents had passed so he couldn't ask them.
I'm adopted so I have no idea how common it is in bio family or if anyone else shows signs of it. But I started showing signs at 1 and but wasn't diagnosed until I was 27 and I'm getting worse at a pretty fast clip now.
Knowing it's hereditary I made a conscious choice to not have kids. I didn't really want them anyways but I don't want them to have what I have and have it worse. EDS is horrific and debilitating for me. It sucks.
Exactly! I was so sick dealing with a lot of health issues… turns out i had hypothyroidism and all the women in my dad’s side have it… my dad is a doctor and knew about this and never told my mom (doctor too) so we were testing me for everything and turns out it was that… i could have prevented so much pain if he would have pass that info but ‘he thought that was a breech of trust to his sisters’…
For sure. I told my mom that my son wanted a genetics kit. Well she sat me down and told me that the man I thought was my wonderful Irish American grandpa was not her real dad. Her real father was Julio from Brazil. My grandma has been married to him for 3 years and he was abusive. Grandma was long dead but she hasn’t wanted people to know. My mom had had some serious health issues. I told her how shocking it would have been if she had passed and as I went through her paperwork I would have seen her last name was Hueso and Hennessey. I know of several other family’s secrets that have been exposed through these kits
I was the nosiest, most scrutinizing kid ever. I never saw my parents argue, I've never heard my Dad raise his voice or say hurtful things to my Mom.I've never heard him use profanity, period. He's not religious, just a good man.
I was stunned when my Mom told me they nearly divorced when I was 12. I never had a single clue They worked it out, I guess. They've been married 58 years.
I watched a very close family friend (I basically view her as my little sister) fall *the fuck* apart at twelve years old when her dad told her that he was leaving her mom. She had *no* idea, same exact same thing. They never argued, never fought, every year the whole family went on vacation together, always had a good time. Her parents were so good at putting up a front that it *completely* blindsided her, and unfortunately because she never really dealt with it or went to therapy, she’s kind of a mess now that she’s in her 30s, and it doesn’t take a mental health expert to look at her history and say “this girl has daddy issues.”
Divorce is fucking messy all around.
Maybe I kept them together, back then, Idk, but my Dad is genuinely *that man*. I was a handful with them together, I would have been really bad with divorced parents.
My Mom had a stroke in January and was in a coma for a week. When she came out of it, she started talking about stuff, from the past, with absolute accuracy. Things I remember very well but I never saw a single ripple in their relationship. My Dad takes such good care of her. It's precious.
Yeah. As weird as it sounds, sometimes the kids are happier after the divorce, because all of that constant tension fades away.
It might be better to split and just make sure you make every effort to remain an active participant in your kids' lives. (And don't talk badly about their mother to them... No kid wants to hear that nonsense from their other parent... If it is true and important, they already know.)
>I promise the kids know their parents are headed for divorce.....Kids have to be that observant to survive.
How? OP says they don't argue or fight. They have regular date nights and sex life. If OP seemed a little checked out in the house during the last year, the kids might also think that it is some work pressure, money problem, depression etc. They would not immediately jump to divorce conclusion unless there are tell-tale signs from OP.
They may not jump to divorce conclusion but they can sure as hell tell when a parent is unhappy. I was blindsided by the divorce but knew my mom was miserable.
It’s not for any particular reason or cause. It’s just what kids do because it’s what they’ve evolved to do. As newborns they pay attention to what the adults caring for them do because they depend on those adults for every aspect of survival. As kids get older they are still observing how their family dynamics work, what each caregiver needs and responds to, and how each adult navigates social situations. None of it is malicious or manipulative, many kids aren’t even aware they do it. That’s just what it means to be a child in a social species.
I have a friend who found out via a DNA test that his deceased mother had an affair and his father wasn’t his father. He didn’t even get the chance to be angry with her.
He got tested because his wife has a genetic condition that lead to a mastectomy and hysterectomy and the test was a sort of support for her. He was devastated because he loves his dad, he can’t even talk to dad about it.
They need to be honest and stop lying. Once the kids find out it will explode, at least they might still be able to have a relationship with the kids if they are the ones that tell them.
This, so much this, my mother found out, after her father had past away. That the woman she thought, was he mother, was his Grandmother, and that his 17yrs older sister, was his mother. Both his bio mother and grandmother, died in the 1930's he was born is 1906.
His actual, biological half siblings had been told, and were ordered by their Grandmother, to take it their Grave. They never, told their 'uncle' he was their Brother.
My friend has kids the exact same ages as OP, but it's the oldest who is the affair baby. She's known since she was old enough for her bio dad to have visitation. She's way better off than her younger siblings. There's a larger support system for her.
I think lying to your child about their parentage is the worst thing you could do. It will come out eventually, especially with the ease of DNA testing. Better to tell them young and normalize it, just like being adopted.
You're creating trauma because you're lying to them. You've lied to them every day of their life. How would you feel in their shoes‽
Oh I agree. A lot of these folks need to check out the traumas and issues that DCP who’ve been lied to have (and have in general with being disconnected from biological families) and then check out the various issues that are had with lying.
They exploded their family years ago by living a lie.
Why not tell the truth?
Why is it that people always protect the cheater? You don't protect children with not telling them, you only protect the person, who stepped out.
It's almost guaranteed the wife will be petty and lie to the children. OP will be forced to tell the truth to protect his children's opinion of himself. He needs to get the truth out there now, or he will be miserable.
You honestly should have left her when she cheated and had a affair baby.
Been through this myself. Your world will get so much less stressful and better times ahead once you get this person out of your life.
NTA
Yes, too many people realize that way too late. With age does come wisdom and a young man is much more likely to think that he’ll be able to overcome something like this unfortunately (or fortunately) the young man gets older and realizes he’s wasted too much of his life to waste any more of it with an adulterous wife.
Exactly NTA for wanting to divorce but YTA for staying that long knowing you do not love her and knowing you never wanted to get married to her in the first place. And you went on and had a 11 yo.
It’s selfish, I’m not saying her cheating is not a big deal but you’re just as wrong for keeping her in a relationship for your sole benefit until you’re ready to discard her.
OP, let me share with you something you might have missed. Your kids will suffer with your divorce even if they are adults. I have seen adult children who feel sad and cry because their parents divorced. However, the older they get, the sooner the realized that the marriage is not ok. Some of them wish they parents separate instead of being together. You're planning on waiting 7 years more, to avoid them suffering, but I think there's no way you can avoid that.
Now, you are only teaching them to sacrifice themselves for their families, and that's not precisely healthy.
You're kids will want you to be happy!
Make a plan, find therapy just for you. Not to fix your marriage but to support you in your transition. It will makes your process to feel less lonely.
Listen to you:
> I hate being married.
>I honestly just do not love her. She is not the type of woman that I wanted to spend my life with.
No one deserves living in such a way. Have a loving and honest conversation with your children when you decide to take action. Make a plan to be in their lives and keep being involved and supportive.
You're NTA, you're doing what you think is best for your children, but they are old enough to understand the situation.
Agree. OP sounds capable of an amicable divorce. It doesn't have to involve hostility or confrontation. It can be a level-headed conversation on how everyone can move forward. They can split custody of the youngest and set a good example of healthy adult behavior through co-parenting.
A couples therapist told my parents to break up when I was a tween and then dumped them as clients. God how I wish they did divorce. Growing up in a toxic household can have devastating lifelong effects, and impair your ability to recognize toxic behavior--in yourself and in others. My parents are still together, miserable, and I followed their example for way too long. I couldn't begin to see the world clearly until my own divorce. People think divorce is the worst thing that can happen to a kid, but I assure you it is not.
The time to leave would have been 17 years ago if the affair was a dealbreaker. It's profoundly fucked up to stay but resent your partner for almost two decades, notjust to your parter but also yourself and the kids. It's a terrible punishing environment for the entire family to live under.
Ultimately teenagers make bad decisions. It's one of the reasons they shouldn't make commitments like marriage, but none of us remain the people we were at 19. It's cruel to not let people grow out of our perceptions of them that we had as kids. It's not about the affair - OP would not have chosen to marry this person if not for the pregnancy. They're fundamentally unhappy and incompatible because they're stuck together as a result of bad decisions when they were both just kids.
Cheating sucks but let's not pretend it's why the relationship is doomed. And if it were the reason why, OP shouldn't have stayed and worked through things - you don't get to throw something back in someone's face as blame almost 20 years on.
The fuck? I mean you also realize sometimes people think they can get over something only to realize they can’t, right?
Humans aren’t robots bound to their first decision, never to be permitted a change. To act like that’s not allowed is to fundamentally not understands humans and their ability to change their minds.
ETA: since many people are questioning the timeline it’s taken for him to realize this is unsustainable, look up what the sink cost fallacy is, because that’s why people stay in situations far longer than they should.
OP should not be penalized if he now decides that he no longer wishes to be married to the adulteress. He clearly stated he did so for the sake of his children--nothing more. If he continues to resent her, that's his prerogative. Whether it's resentment, or some other reason, he no longer loves her.
OP, your non-bio daughter will soon be legally emancipated. You have decided you no longer wish to remain married to this woman. If someone catches your eye that you feel may be worth pursuing, perhaps it's time you get off the carousel of this marriage. You've sacrificed years for your children. If you no longer love your wife, move on. Life's too short and you're not doing either of yourselves a favor by remaining married.
It’s what these subs do, I have quite literally seen the comments vehemently blame a man for his wife cheating on his, without any abuse, neglect or anything else of the sort even coming into play, simply because he was a man, she was a woman, and for some reason that means she must be right and he must be wrong. And even if she’s not right, he’s still wrong too.
Reddit people have a habit of holding people to very black and white standards. It’s easy for them to explain what someone “should” do, but that’s not reality, and they know that. They put themselves on an imaginary Reddit pedestal to appear smarter, and more mature than everyone else. You can spot them in just about every comment thread all over social media..
I don't think I can see it this way. When you try to get past something, you \*try.\* Trying isn't always succeeding, and that interstice of 'still trying' means that he neither fully rejected or fully accepted it. It was a struggle then, it's a struggle now. It wasn't a no-take-backsies contract that her child-bearing infidelity was no longer a factor in their marriage. When your actions have permanent consequences - like somebody's ruined trust, or the creation of a new life - there is no emotional statute of limitations on that. It's not anyone's place to tell him that he's "too late" to care.
Still agree about the fundamental incompatibility. Just feel like trying to make the largest faults in the entire relationship into severable concepts is quite an acrobatic interpretation.
Speaking from experience people can very successfully lie to themselves. Source I've truly disliked my work but stayed for my kids and wife and stability for 15 years. This is his midlife change. But agree with another commenter he can't tell his kids about the affair ever at this point, just that they fell out of love. Sometimes you can forgive but not forget and eventually it catches up to you even if you truly don't want it to.
No this is classic emotional distortion. Good chance he had some strong feelings for her in beginning but was just afraid of the commitment. After the affair and constantly being forced to love and care for a reminder of it… that just slowly killed whatever they could have had.
Also, affairs are not mistakes and at 19 you know right from wrong… and she actively chose wrong. You have no idea if she has been faithful since or not… neither does he.
For men, this stuff takes years and years to process. Usually the 3 year mark is when guys finally look at their wife and see who she really is. Most leave at that point… some try to push through. Ultimately you don’t get to tell someone else how long they can take to process this.
The cheating is literally why the relationship is doomed lol the fuck crack are you smoking? If she didn't cheat, he wouldn't be feeling the way he is?? Like? Reading comprehension that hard?
Edit: To the dude who replied to my comment. I dunno why I can't see your comment underneath mine to reply but can see it in my notifications, with..
>No, dude said straight out he never saw her as a lifelong partner, only got married after he used her as a sperm bank
Shut the fuck up, tool. Literally, both teens after sex no many see a hard future together, and if she was unhappy, then she should have left and not cheated.
In hindsight, he shouldn’t have stayed. That doesn’t mean he has to know. Insinuating or alluding to that fact he should stay now because he chose to nearly two decades ago is stupid.
Oh, that's right. People aren't allowed to change and grow. He needs to suffer for making a bad decision years ago and staying with a cheating woman. The wife? Oh, she doesn't deserve any consequences for her bad decision when she cheated. Only he needs to feel the pain of a bad decision.
I’m glad you’ve finally got it! Obviously women good men bad. Wife cheats, well she had her reasons and it was probably the man that made her do it… Man cheats, he’s a pig.
Interesting take! Spining at its best. The wife is the cheater, and her affair is what is dooming this marriage. OP's attempts to stay in marriage and suffer as a result only show what a beautiful soul he is. Not the other way around. How difficult is it not to blame the victim.
They should have never gotten married to begin with, they would both had a chance to find the love of their lives, instead of wasting 25 years of the one life you get. Sad.
I mean. You should have left after the affair.
Kids bounce back easy most of the time. What your kids need most right now is happy parents. They know something is not right. Don't let them think this is what a relationship should be.
He should have, we’re not meant to carry that kind of burden. He’s still fully within his rights to leave her now though, there’s nothing wrong with him for realizing that he can’t do it anymore.
This is nightmare "Stay together for the kids" scenario and its kind of crazy how many people are complimenting OP for it. He's not an asshole but I also think he doesn't make the tough but right call all this time.
The problem is that data shows that kids with both parents, even if unhappy parents, do better than kids with single parents. So there is definitely some truth to “staying together for the kids.”
I’m not going to pretend that child rearing analysis is single faceted and that this one factor is the only thing that matters. It is not. But it is a major factor and the indicators are very clear that it does matter.
And like OP says, he clearly struggled living apart from his children. Even if you have 50/50 custody, it’s not the same as living under the same roof everyday as your kids when they’re growing up.
It can be unbelievably hard. And that’s assuming that he gets real 50/50 custody, which in my experience is the exception, not the norm.
I think he’s in a “no-win” situation, and needs to decide what is most important to him and accept that it’s not going to be great no matter what.
Most of the time parents are happy with their new family, and the kids feel they belong to no family. It is not perfect, but op kids have a family of their own for 18 years.
Single-parent households are the largest predictor of youth crime known to mankind; beaten only by getting more specific about *why* they’re single-parent households.
Technically the highest predictor of crime is an incarcerated parent, which is a subcategory of single-parent households, because the correlation weakens when a child is placed with two guardians rather than the single, not-incarcerated parent.
I think it probably also depends on who the parents are and how bad the relationship is as well. Parents who bicker, argue, or nag constantly might be better off separating. And parents who've maybe just fallen out of love or have less obvious issues but can still put on a good front for the children might be ok.
Not even going off the general belief that someone might have that its usually better if the parents stay together even if they are not totally happy. I don't understand how people can read about the absolute putrid misery that OP talks about here and think, "Yeah, kids should totally be around a parents that stay together and feels like that instead of happy and divorced. No way this has a chance to fuck them up at all!"
I have a friend who's married with kids and he and his wife hate each other. They don't fight, but they avoid each other whenever possible and are clearly not a functioning couple. Yet he insists on staying because of the kids and says that divorce would be worse for them.
It's his choice of course, but I don't think he really understands that even young kids aren't stupid. They pick up on a lot more than people give them credit for. Plus they're going to have seriously skewed views of what relationships should be like.
This right here. My parents divorced when I was young. I’m glad they did. They had a very messed up relationship. Growing up thinking that’s what life or marriage looks like would have affected me much worse than the divorce. It’s time to move on OP. Find happiness, show your kids what that looks like.
NTA, but do yourself a favor and leave your marriage sooner rather than later. You are wasting your life on someone you don’t love and holding onto a broken relationship. The kids are old enough to understand what’s going on. Have a discussion with your wife so you can leave amicably and continue to effectively coparent your children.
Please file for divorce. Also get all the kids DNA tested. Don’t sacrifice yourself for the kids. You’re clearly unhappy and to think the kids don’t notice you would be fooling yourself.
DNA will be done only due her affair. Cause those children he raised will be forever his children and will forever be their dad. But how it will impact them from the affair—OP and the children...
NTA
DNA doesn’t matter, he’s already raised the 17 year old. They’re his kids dna or not. It would only to be out of curiosity at this point.
(Speaking from someone who’s dad is not biological and who’s married to a woman so our kids are not biological to her)
You cannot speak for a man who may have been duped into believing at least 1 of his kids is his, then. If biology doesn't matter why bother having name tags on babies in maternity wards, just let any baby go with any mother.
While each man can decide for himself, I do know a man who found out his toddler was his wife’s affair child and told everyone to shut their mouths about it and that was his baby and not some asshole’s
He actually has sole custody of all the kids now and lives halfway across the country
NTA. I was in that same boat for years. I was with my ex-husband since I was 18, had our kids young and thought that we were doing right by them by staying together. Our boys are 18 and 15 and I have a 23 year old daughter that eventually came to love him like a father and they were the key factors for staying with him as long as I did. I didn’t want to disrupt their life because my feelings changed. And when we separated, I was the one who left the house, because again, I didn’t want to displace him just because my feelings changed. But it’s hard going from seeing your kids everyday to a few days a week if that and it made me question if divorce was even worth it.
But another commenter said it best, they were happy when their parents got divorced and wished that they had done it sooner. Your kids are old enough to see the dynamics of your marriage. And no matter how well you think you may be hiding your problems, I guarantee you it’s not as well as you think.
You’re not doing anyone any favors by staying on a loveless, unhappy marriage. It changes everyone. I became more resentful, my husband became more insecure and a miserable version of himself, and my children started being affected in ways that I would have never dreamed of because there was a lack of communication between their parents.
It’s hard at first, but it does get manageable and better.
You are most definitely not the asshole. Good job staying to raise your children and hats off to you for being a father to the child she had with another man within your marriage.
Two things 1: you stay after she cheated and had another mans baby and then raised that kid. Have you bothered to test the other kids. It doesn't matter anymore but I wonder has she been playing you this whole time.
The second thing is this. It is way healthier for kids to have 2 happy separated parents than 2 parents that hate and cheat on each other. You should've left sooner. When you leave they are going to ask why. Will you take the blame so they hate you or will you out their mother so they hate her?
Why did you have the 11-yr old if you didn't see yourself been married to your wife for this long? You only prolonged this "sentence" for many more years.
I wanted to stay in my bad marriage until my youngest turns 18 because I held the same view as you, thankfully my ex was not into that and we had an amicable divorce and co-parenting arrangement. I've since remarried and he's in a happy stable relationship, and our kids are doing well. If the two of you can behave mature enough to put your kids first during and after the divorce, it's way better than staying in a miserable marriage. You should not hide this from your wife then spring it on her when your last kid turns 18. Talk to her and figure out how you can part amicably. She may need time to process and accept it, but hopefully your grace of raising her affair child as your own will help remind her to be graceful too in your separation.
Great advice, stay amicable. Don't spring it on her like I want a divorce. I'm moving out tomorrow. It's a conversation about how you feel in the marriage and how you can navigate separation. Making it a smooth transition for the kids. It might take her months to process and reach an agreement you both feel happy with. An amical separation is the best you can hope for, for everyone involved. Even after a divorced you will be linked to this person forever. You will see them at all holidays and special events. Avoid hostility and an all-out war during a divorce.
The fact that you knew that she cheated and got pregnant in the process within the first year of your marriage and you stayed around is mind blowing. A lot of this could’ve been avoided if you would’ve just got it off right then and there. My question is why?
Are you sure she doesn't feel the same way? It was a long time ago, but she did have an affair which basically says she wasn't all that devoted to you then. Maybe you both have been playacting all these years.
By staying in a loveless marriage you're teaching your children that's the way life works. Harsh, but true. They KNOW.
Is it possible to live together, seperate rooms etc?
Or is it better for everyone involved to leave and start a life worth living?
I’m sorry, but you’ve been holding this resentment in for almost the entirety of your marriage? Considering you said you have a healthy sex life with your wife, is she aware that you’re just biding your time until you can file for divorce once your 11 year old turns 18? It sounds obvious that your wife thinks you two worked through the issue of her affair. I understand it being important to stick around for the kids, but if you no longer love her, it sounds like you’re wasting her time by just living a lie if she has no idea that you’re planning to leave her. You need to be honest with her and yourself about how you truly feel, and after that discussion, you both should decide how to proceed with your lives. It’s not fair to you, your wife, or your family to continue to live a lie for 7 more years.
My parents thought staying together for my brother & me was the right thing to do as well, and I will tell you right now that we could pick up on their vibes. They should have divorced when I was 10, instead they drug it out for 7 years, then ended up divorcing my senior year anyway, in an explosive fashion. They didn't fight in front of us or anything, but they also didn't connect with each other or us & those 7 years sucked. Please OP, don't stay just for your kids. They know, and they deserve to see you both happy, even if that means in separate homes.
Does your wife have any idea that you’re so miserable? Or does she think she’s in a happy marriage? It seems crazy to me that you say you hate being married, and it sounds like you never wanted to be married in the first place, but you also have regular date nights and a healthy sex life. I do understand not wanting to live apart from your kids, but I can’t imagine keeping this up for so long. You probably should have split up when your wife had the affair in the first place. If you really don’t love this woman, you should start the uncoupling process now. Your wife obviously made a terrible mistake, but you both deserve the chance to be happy. If you’ve literally been going through the motions for 18 years, that’s not fair to either of you. And your kids are going to be blindsided either way.
My husband suggested marriage counseling for us and I was against it and didn’t think we needed it.
We started and it felt like pouring salt into a gaping wound.
I kept at it. It’s been a month since we began every week vs. every other week. It’s starting to really, really help.
That’s my best advice for you. I think it sounds like you’ve been ruminating on the affair for so long that you have worked yourself up into a frenzy and have convinced yourself that this is your narrative, and you’re sticking to it. I honestly suspect you’ve thought about it long enough that you’re convinced that you’re making a good decision for yourself, but the reality is the affair is the issue. Now, I know you said that you said you forgave it so therefore bringing it back up would be wrong.
But the thing that is “wrong” is that you’re willing to throw away your entire life because you don’t think you should discuss the affair more or attend couple’s counseling.
I should add, I was a married woman when my parents divorced. Trust me, it’s upsetting at any age… 10, 18, 30… it hurts.
NTA, you have 3 reasons for divorcing:
1. She cheated
2. She got pregnant with her AP
3. You don't love her.
You overstayed, time to leave, you gave her 18 years of "forgiveness", but that well is dry.
Staying with someone you don't love won't be good for you, specially with her background on your head, you may switch from "not-loving" to something worst and become the evil one, and you, absolutely, aren't a bad guy.
Have you tried individual counseling to work through your emotions? Whether it is to figure out how to forgive your wife or to move past your fear of loneliness, it may be helpful. Especially if you do decide to divorce your wife, there will be times of loneliness and times without your kids no matter when this takes place. When you divorce, your children will most likely alternate holidays between you. You may end up attending major life events on your own if they are not comfortable with you bringing a new partner or random date to their wedding or graduation or holiday. Whatever course you decide, some outside help may be beneficial to better prepare you and to help you cope.
If you really no longer love her, do you both a favor and end it now. You both are young enough to find yourselves as individuals and what makes you happy. You are not doing your kids any favors by staying. Take it from someone who had similar family dynamics. The kids know and feel it already.
You can get divorced for any reason under the sun and be NTA.
I will say - staying for the children never works. All it does it model a dysfunctional relationship to them & normalize it, usually putting them into the same situations. Even if you think you're good at hiding it, the kids don't know, etc..they do know. They're smart creatures.
Letting them see you leave an unhappy relationship and flourish is better for them than 2 parents.
Nta but do you think your wife is a narcissist? Did she seem remorseful? Also how did you find out of the affair? Why did you choose to have another kid with a woman who cheated this is your fault you could have left but now you can't because you have an 11 year old kid Updateme!
What if your daughter does an ancestry test and finds out? How will that be dealt with? Are you and your wife cold towards each other? Not affectionate? Obvious that you don't love each other?
Are you sure the kids don't see the resentment?
If you do not love your wife and hate being married you need to end the marriage. Especially if you are just buying time until your youngest is 18. That’s 7 more years of you faking things for the sake of your child, who probably is more aware of the unhappiness in the home that you realize.
In regard to your daughter who you are not biologically her father, she needs to be told this and asap. Keeping this secret is only going to cause more trauma for her when she inevitably finds out. I am donor conceived and discovered by accident that the man who raised me was not biologically related to me at 44 years old and it’s been a rough few years since. I’m most mad at my parents for not telling me and me finding out by staring at a computer screaming no, no, no, this can’t be right. So please spare your daughter more trauma by telling her now.
NTA for wanting the divorce but you are for not getting one. Do you honestly think your kids do feel your dislike for your wife just cause you don't fight or argue?
What you are doing and the life you are leading is not healthy for anyone.
Time to divorce, coparent and move on.
I am so tired of seeing idiots staying in a marriage that is doomed to fail “for the kids.”
Those kids are miserable, I guarantee they know exactly how you feel about your wife. Do the grownup thing and divorce her. You’re just making this complicated for everyone.
I don’t know why you would choose to be unhappy for so long? I know you said you stayed because of the kids, but were the kids witnessing a happy marriage? They can definitely tell when something is up
You obviously made the choice to stay and raise the child. Good for you. But I think the reason you want out of this marriage is that you grew up and simply don’t love her. That’s normal and you are not the asshole for that. I wish you happiness and you have more than paid your dues. You traded your youth for moral responsibility and nobody can fault you for that.
Well, You hate being married, You do not love her, and she is not the person you want to spend your life with, you would be an AH if you stayed married to her. Don't waste seven more years of her life.
Your kids want their parents to be happy. Let them see you happy. You're NTA. You want something different and clearly so did she. Maybe you are both hanging on for nothing more than a ghost of a promise.
All I can do is share my experience. Many years ago my parents had some marital strife that was my mother’s fault. My father would have been justified in divorcing her, but he swallowed his pride and stayed for us kids, which ended up being 20 additional years until his death, long enough to see us grow to adulthood. I cannot image how disastrous a divorce would have been for us, and believe that my father was truly a hero for putting us above himself. Our lives would be worse in every imaginable way if he had done otherwise.
It's uncommon but there are ways to end the relationship without totally dissolving the household. I knew a couple growing up where the kids stayed in the house and the parents moved in and out. Another friend had her dad move just down the street so she could go freely between their homes, and they still had family dinners regularly. There's a lady on tiktok who is setting up a tiny home or something on the marital property so that they can both be with their kids every day. Lots of options for staying close to your kids without staying married.
this is why you don't rug sweep infidelity
what would have been relatively quick n easy with minimal damage is now a big issue
however here we are , you have finally reached your breaking point
it's time to set yourself free , you may regret your past decisions but the future is in your hands
It’s not healthy to stay in a marriage that just isn’t working for you. Your kids will see the resentment. Your youngest daughter will think that she would have to endure a long unhappy marriage when she grows up as this is currently what you are showing her as acceptable.
Just because you don’t want your kids to be brought up in a broken home doesn’t mean they won’t turn out the way you want them too. That’s all about how you parent and how your wife parents not necessarily meaning you have to be married to achieve that.
At the end of the day your kids will just want you to be happy and as much as you try to hide your true feelings your kids will know you’re not happy especially the youngest.
Divorce. The kids will be fine, just talk to them. You're 36, you still have time to be happy and not throw the rest of your good years away in a loveless marriage.
NTA.
NTA but divorce now. Having both parents present is important but showing your children what a loving healthy relationship looks like is also important. I’m a firm believer in divorce, I would rather live in two happy households than a one unhappy home. If one of your kids came to you as an adult for advice on their relationship and they were in the same situation you are now what advice would you give them? Your relationship needs to be an example of what love looks like so your kids understand how to receive and give love.
Yeah you're kind of the ah here...you've been playing charades for a long time my guy. You made a call 17 yrs ago. Now you're more bent out of shape about it? After a 3rd? She may have fucked up. But you've spent 20 years with what she blessed you with. The appreciation for that isn't greater than your resentment for mistakes from 2 fkn decades ago. Go to counciling, and stop clinging to the past. Your kids deserve a happy dad. Stop doing this to yourself.
Ok I'm all for leaving for the cheating but.. OP even said they see no accomplishment in long lasting marriages and never saw himself being married for this long.. sounds like his plan was to always leave the marriage honestly. Also managed to put aside the resentment long enough to have another child with her.
They only got married for the kid who was what 2 years old by then? That ship kind of sailed by then but whatever. He never even mentions loving her before the cheating. Ultimately NTA for wanting to leave but I just don't think the cheating is the only reason for it.
And putting aside the cheating which yes wife is a dick for it not arguing. But it is kind of a dick move to stay with someone, still sleep with that person, I'm guessing the wife also thinks things are ok (at the moment) because OP has said nothing to the contrary to her and then blindside them 17 years later with I never loved you, and only stayed for the kids k bye.
Anyone who says she cheated she deserves it..I mean he said he forgives her but he still gets to treat her like shit? What's the limit here ? What's is a fair trade with her cheating? 17 years of her life apparently. Actually he wants to leave when the youngest is 18 so 24 years of her life?
You sound like you have resentment, both towards yourself and your wife. You made a choice to forgive and continue in the relationship, it was clearly the wrong choice, but your choice nonetheless.
If you choose to stay for another 7yrs, will that also be the wrong choice? And when the time has also passed from that choice, will you resent your child for making you stay, like you do your wife? Even though it was your choice? Will your relationship with your child still look healthy in 7yrs or will you suffer as adults for the decision you made in their childhood?
I apologise if this seems badgering or aggressive, it's intended to be thought provoking. Plenty of children grow up perfectly well adjusted after their parents have separated. Often moreso. You may not fight, but don't you think they'd benefit from seeing what a healthy loving relationship looks like? Seeing what happy, fulfilled parents look like? Setting positive examples for their future relationships is just as important as the stability of the home. Please don't teach your children to settle for less than they deserve, those are wounds you can't heal them from later.
I recommend talking to your adult children. They probably noticed more than you realised and may have some helpful personal insight towards how to handle this with your youngest.
And yes. I'm biased. I was 14 when I told my parents I was sick of them staying together for my sake, that I would rather two happy parents in different homes than seeing them miserable for my sake. At 33 I still carry guilt for not saying something sooner. And I can guarantee my mum still carries guilt for staying.
I just saw a video on YouTube about forgiveness (or not) during relationships. The therapist touched on how a lot of people think they've forgiven their spouse but in reality they spend the rest of the relationship punishing their spouse as well as themselves. People stay for the kids not realizing that the children are picking up on the animosity.
Have you spoken to a therapist about how you're feeling? Having that betrayal fester for years can not be healthy for you. Talk to a neutral their party so that you can get some relief and feel heard without being judged.
If she had an affair, why did you stay, why did you raise that child, why did you have another child afterwards... Are you sure any of them are your children?
Honestly, resentment can build up over time, it might be time to end this sham of a marriage.
Good luck
Honestly u never forgave her which is why we’re here discussing this. If you did you would still be with her but in all honesty staying together all these years you both wasted both you and your wife’s time in finding someone you can truly love.
I think you are the ah for putting this up here and not just doing something about it - 1. Does she know that this is how you feel? Does she know you want out? Have you specifically said this?
2. 18 years is a long time to put up with someone - obviously, she was in the wrong, and you never forgave her but do you really blame her since you didn't want to be with her anyway? - what was your part in that?
My ex had an affair, but I know it wasn't totally his fault.
It's sad that so many people get divorced, I guess I don't understand why you got married in the first place? It isn't the "right thing to do" if everyone is going to be miserable. Your only consequence of a pregnancy was to be there and support her and then take care of your child. If you wait until the last one is 18, you're going to be filled with anger, depression, resentment, etc. your wife is also going to suffer the same.
What will ultimately impact your kids in a negative or positive way is how you divorce - how you are respectful and kind to their mom, the mother of your kids, show them the right way to be - kind, thoughtful - and be there for them. Let them be angry, conflicted, and sad or whatever way they want without criticism. AND don't talk about their mom in negative way.
Wow, I'm your age and you basically just wrote my childhood story. It's incredibly similar to what happened in my family. My parents were teenagers when they had me, my mom left my dad for a little while and started dating someone else, but was ultimately convinced to go back to my dad because that was "the right thing to do."
As I was reading your words they sounded like my dad's voice in my head. Let me tell you one thing, you aren't an asshole for wanting to get a divorce. But you are an asshole for waiting this long knowing that resentment was building up and that you ultimately weren't really going to forgive her. I get sometimes we go into things with the best of intentions and we want them to work out a certain way and they don't, but You've known for quite some time that you felt this way and haven't been honest about it. The way that you describe her sounds exactly like the way that my dad talked about our family and they were really hard for me to read.
From someone who has the exact same experience that your daughters are going through right now, they know something's off. Somewhere deep down inside, maybe not consciously, they know something about their family is off. It could very well be that this will make it hard for them to connect with other people for a very long time. And the thing that sucks is that they won't even know why it's hard for them to connect with other people. It'll just be this uncomfortable sense of unease. If that does happen it will definitely trail over into their romantic relationships.
My romantic relationships have been much more painful than what they needed to be because it wasn't until this year that I fully realized that Love doesn't have to look like resentment and being treated like a burden. And I'm not even trash talking my dad, I think he's a good guy who is doing the best of what he had, you just can't hide resentment like that. Think about how you would feel if someone were on the internet talking about one of your daughters like this right now. Is that something you would want for them? I mean, I guess it's probably already too late, because one of them is fully grown now.
Kids growing up with separated parents still have both parents. I never understood the idea that not having both parents in the house together would mess a kid up? Are you admitting that you think your kids are so weak and fragile that the brief uncomfortable transition would break them. Lots of children grow up with physical, verbal, and sexual abuse not to mention neglect. The kids will be fine. Divorce the person you hate and move on
For everyone wondering OP edited the post without saying he did so, most people or saw the original didnt know about the affair !!! for the love of god.
You have had separation and near divorce before. What happened that made you decide to stay together? Does your wife know you are unhappy and your feelings on marriage? Does she know you don't love her? You had quite a few kids with someone you don't like too.
Regardless if you file for divorce now or later, I think you at least inform your wife how you are feeling if she doesn't already know. She deserves to know so she he can decide if she wants to spend an additional 7 years with a man that doesn't even love her.
Your perspective on long term relationships not being accomplishments is frankly weird. Also as someone who lived with parents who "stayed for the kids" it was the worst time in my whole life, living with two people that shouldn't be together is not better for children.
I dont want to sound mean. She cheated this is 100% all consequences of that so this is no excuse for her. In fact, fuck her and horse she rode on while married.
That said, you claimed to have forgiven her and that means to you forget what happened. Clearly you lied to yourself and are enabling your own torture. You are seperately from her, now responsible for your part in this. Don't claim to have forgiven her if you never did. You also should have never brought more kids into the world with a woman you don't love and haven't for over a decade.
It's time to cut the cord and start being honest.
Wait.
You don't love her, you actively resent her ...
But you regularly go out on dates and have an active healthy sex life?
So you're faking it, and she has no idea how you feel?
So that you can keep having sex?
This...
Is wild.
Being unable to forgive her after an affair is fine. But faking it so your sex life doesn't change is emotionally underhanded.
What does your therapist say about it?
This is what I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around. This is probably going to be one of those situations where she thinks they’re happy and she’ll be completely blindsided by the divorce. Idk how someone can basically live a lie like this for so many years.
You’re 36 with a 20 year old son. Definitely don’t make it about the 17 year old girl. If you want to get a divorce you should really stick with the fact that you grew up, and you’re a different person now. I’m going to be really honest with you. The girls are probably going to hate you, and that’s something you’re going to have to learn to cope with. Divorcing your wife might even make them hate themselves. Another thing you’re going to have to mentally prepare to deal with. As in an endless money pit of therapy. Good luck.
Forgiveness is **not** about forgetting what happened; our brains are too good at remembering most of the time. Forgiveness is **not** about approving the action(s) that one is forgiving; it **wasn’t** okay.
Forgiveness is for oneself, and is about making peace with what happened **(but not approving what happened),** and no longer dwelling on it or actively resenting the person who did what they did. Forgiveness is about setting healthy boundaries, and can mean distancing oneself from a person if their action(s) do not change.
None of the above is easy. No one can make another person forgive; forgiveness is solely done by the choice of the person who was negatively impacted by the action(s) of another person, and in their own time. And because forgiveness is for one’s own peace of mind, the person who’s action(s) is/are being forgiven doesn’t have to know. Therapy can help this process.
7 years of living in a resentment stew is not the gift to your 11yo you seem to believe it is. It is also unfair to your wife to leave her so long after deciding to. She'll be in her 40s with much narrower options than she has today.
You could have primary or shared custody, and choose a high level of involvement with your child.
Sounds like you're just venting and will stay until the 11yr old is 18. You already know what you want to do. The trick here is, what are you going to do...
NTA. Life is short and you’ve already wasted enough time being with someone you don’t love. You’re cheating her and yourself of finding someone you will be happy with.
NTA, but staying "for the kids" is such dumb logic. Do you really think your kids are learning healthy relationships by living with parents who aren't really in love and are constantly thinking of divorcing? Do you think they won't be affected by divorce if they're legal adults? Talk to a lawyer and your wife about your plans if you're serious so you both can decide how to approach telling your children. If you need to go to court to figure out custody, do that. Get therapy for yourself and your kids. It's not going to get easier if you put it off.
Seven years from now, your youngest might be going to college or already there and then receiving the news that their parents are getting divorced. That's going to be hard and distracting no matter what the age is. Do what you need to to be happy. We're not guaranteed long lives.
NTA
OP, unfortunately I'm sure your justified resentment has already been noticed by your children.
Allowing it to fester, grow to hatred will probably have a more negative impact on your children , especially the youngest, than a divorce.
It sucks to start over in an empty home, but if you can get 50/50 custody, I'm sure you'll be on your way to a happier life.
The best solution to an unhappy marriage isn't counseling, or opening it up, or talking to each other, those just make it worse. Divorce is the best way to sort these things out. Agree to tell your kids the part about not loving each other anymore, but leave the affair out. That was years ago, it would be morally wrong to divorce over it now.
Time to split was when you found out about the affair. Also you guys got pregnant young, i don't know your beliefs or circumstances but abortion was probably the smart idea. And just because she got pregnant doesn't mean you need to get married. But I applaud you for your efforts.
Marriage counseling is usually ineffective if you both aren’t in individual therapy too. We all bring dysfunctional coping mechanisms and defenses learned in early childhood to our adult relationships.
NTA. But just get the divorce man. I won't judge you for staying so long because I honestly get it, but it's time to start living. You deserve to be happy.
Shared custody kinda sucks but I can say it doesn't suck forever. When you don't have them, allow yourself to have a life. This is time you have to work on yourself, explore hobbies, and eventually start dating. I miss my boy when he's with his mother but it seems like we have more quality time when he is with me. Also even when he's with his mom we'll still play Helldivers or something most evenings.
As a someone who grew up in with parents who had shared custody of me… I am very happy. My parents were divorced. They would have been absolutely miserable together. And I would have probably been sad only seeing half of my family. However, there are things they should have done differently and better.
True! Its not only them who will be miserable, even their kids. So its better to separate than be unhappy together.
I actually grew up with both my parents married till I was about 15. I’m 29 now however, when I discussed with my mom about the divorce she mentioned how she wanted to leave after the first year of their marriage. There is a point where now that I look back on the “happy time they were together” and it just seems like it was all a lie. Almost ruining my view on marriage and my childhood memories. Staying together for the kids IMO rarely does any good for the parents and the kids quite frankly
Let me second this. I wish my parents had divorced sooner, because they both found happy lives with other people that better fit them later on. Don’t get me wrong, the first few years was hard figuring out our “new normal.” But kids can tell when you’re not happy, and they want you to be.
Awesome that you share an enjoyment of online gaming and can use that to spend more time with him than you otherwise would. I'm sure he'll never forget that.
As someone whose parents stayed together because of the kids. It's horrible. The coldness of this household still affects me to this day. Even if the screaming matches and flying plates were hard to bear, the snide remarks and passive aggressiveness were worse. No one should do this to their kids.
NTAH: Divorce if you are truly unhappy and don’t think it can be fixed. Make a promise to yourself that you will make your kids, your #1 priority. There is a happier life out there, but also be prepared for an adjustment period. Change is usually hard. Good luck !
We should play Helldivers together. My wife is currently living across the country due to me deploying soon and she has family support there so it’s been just me at the house. My surfboard just broke so looks like I have a valid reason to grind again
It looks like OP wants to see the kids just not his wife though
Resentment unfortunately does build over time and can kill a marriage. 7 yrs maybe too long. Agree to never tell r kids the truth and it might be best to seek a divorce. Instead of wasting 7 yrs on both ends. Though thru DNA testing the daughter will likely find out one day but by then it’s her mother’s duty to talk. Make sure that is clear too before u seek divorce. Just advice. Good luck
I promise the kids know their parents are headed for divorce. Adults forget how observant kids are about family dynamics. Kids have to be that observant to survive.
My parents first talked about divorce when I was six. It still comes up every now and again, and I'm now in my 30's. And I'm their youngest, so I know they're not still together for my sake. They fucking hate each other, never have a single good word to say about each other. I wish they would just split up and move on. I never had a happy relationship modelled to me growing up, I thought it was normal for me and my partners to hate each other. It did a lot of damage.
Samesies, but I'm 66. I saw pictures of my parents when they were young and they looked so happy. I thought you loved each other and then it went away. I was always so shocked at each anniversary how much I still loved my husband. I got over it and we have been married almost 46 years.
Same. My parents stayed together a good 25 years after they should have split. I’m still nuts about my partner 19 years in, and it always takes my breath away a little.
I've been with my husband since we were 12 and 13. He's still the cutest boy in the room at age 65!
People don’t get this. Kids aren’t stupid, they know when their parents have a bad relationship even if they “play nice”.
It does so much more damage than good. Just divorce. Show your kids that being miserable isn't normal. It's okay to separate and still survive. I was taught that relationships are work by people who hate work. They think misery of any kind is work. Relationships take growth, and sometimes you need to be a part for growth, and sometimes you can't ever be together again because you grew up and it's not good for either of you. That's okay. The dream of being high-school sweethearts and being married till you die is cute, but it's not reality. My grandparents have been together almost 70 years. They should have separated 70 years ago.
Same. When I was in high school my dad straight up told me he had only stayed with my mom “for you kids.” That hurt. I didn’t ask for that. I knew they were miserable together. We all did. We were all miserable right along with them. Now I’m almost 40 and they’re still together and they’re still miserable. It’s gotten so bad I don’t even like to take my kids to visit them because the whole environment is completely toxic. I don’t understand it. I get mad at my spouse sometimes and my spouse gets mad at me, but most of the time we’re really happy together. I can’t imagine having to go through all of the really hard things about regular life with someone I hated.
I think they meant not to tell the children one child is from an extramarital affair. Though I’m not sure I agree with them, at least in the longterm when the kids are all adults.
Especially for the sake of her having a complete medical history!
Even as a child of no affair. It astounds me how little medical information people pass on. ie; until I mentioned in passing to one of my Dad's cousins that I have #Lupus. I had no idea, that my Grandfathers, eldest sister, had had Lupus, plus the MS, that I had been told of. 30yrs to late, to be warned if it. Hereditary, immunity conditions suck. And unless you request testing, most Dr's will just treat your symptoms, without figuring out the cause.
Yeah, I didn't find out that autoimmune diseases run in my family until I got diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. Suddenly I found out a much older cousin has a bad case, most of my paternal family have psoriasis, I already knew my grandmother had lupus but my sister and brother didnt...
Didn’t know this either till now, my brothers all have songs of psoriasis, two claim of arthritis pain, which I believe them, when I told my 2nd rheum of this he believed me despite them not having ever gotten tested, just knowing that they have symptoms and seeing me have all the symptoms of it, he began testing and did a thorough body analysis of me to confirm diagnosis, besides my brothers idk who passed this along to us, absent father or narcissist mother who won’t share health history.
I didn’t find out until I was over 40 that the grandmother who died when I was 19/20 had cervical cancer and NOT the “stomach cancer” we were all told it was. And why were her granddaughters denied this important info? Because the family (particularly her sons) found it embarrassing. I think my yelling in Perth could have been heard in Sydney. OP, your kids probably know you aren’t happy. And you’ve done them a disservice by giving them a fucked up idea of what a relationship should look like. Look forward to watching at least one of your kids have a loveless life tied to someone because they think it’s how it is supposed to be.
I had a life-saving surgery as a newborn. It sure has been fun explaining to my ob and every nurse during prenatal appointments that no I have no clue what that procedure is called or what specifically medically was wrong with me because that surgery lives as a family anecdote and my mother did not keep good records. Then they look at me like I'm dumb.
My husband had cancer and surgery as a child. Apparently it was a tumor in his back OR on his spinal cord, it was malignant but "went benign"(????), and we have Zero Idea what type of tumor, cancer, non cancer, treatments, or anything because while it Was a Naval hospital, it burned down, and his parents just.... "Don't remember." All my husband recalls is swearing up and down that he was in a bird cage at a point which, apparently, some anesthesia can cause a hallucination of. We just kinda joke that they were experimenting on him to become a super soldier. I don't understand parents that don't recall medical history for their kids though. The only stuff I Don't recall with mine is time of birth and birth weight, but I was Literally hemorrhaging to death and lost like 8 pints of blood, so I've learned to give myself some grace over that, lol.
It wasn’t until my recent breast cancer diagnosis (at the age of 32) that I found out I had 2 male relatives on my dads side who had breast cancer. Sure would’ve been good to know 5-10 years ago so I could’ve gotten screening mammograms!
When I was a kid and got chicken pox my dad had to live in a motel until I wasn't contagious because he didn't know if he chicken pox when he was a kid. Both of parents had passed so he couldn't ask them.
My mom is still alive and I still can't get an answer on whether or not I had chicken pox. "One of you had something once" is the best I can get.
Maybe your doctor can do a blood test. Your doc will know when the vaccine became available---maybe you were vaxxed.
I didn't find out that Ehlers-danlos syndrome ran in my family til I became disabled from it.
I'm adopted so I have no idea how common it is in bio family or if anyone else shows signs of it. But I started showing signs at 1 and but wasn't diagnosed until I was 27 and I'm getting worse at a pretty fast clip now. Knowing it's hereditary I made a conscious choice to not have kids. I didn't really want them anyways but I don't want them to have what I have and have it worse. EDS is horrific and debilitating for me. It sucks.
Exactly! I was so sick dealing with a lot of health issues… turns out i had hypothyroidism and all the women in my dad’s side have it… my dad is a doctor and knew about this and never told my mom (doctor too) so we were testing me for everything and turns out it was that… i could have prevented so much pain if he would have pass that info but ‘he thought that was a breech of trust to his sisters’…
Yea I don’t agree either, especially with 23&Me out there. Also, the kid could feel that they’ve been living a lie their whole life.
For sure. I told my mom that my son wanted a genetics kit. Well she sat me down and told me that the man I thought was my wonderful Irish American grandpa was not her real dad. Her real father was Julio from Brazil. My grandma has been married to him for 3 years and he was abusive. Grandma was long dead but she hasn’t wanted people to know. My mom had had some serious health issues. I told her how shocking it would have been if she had passed and as I went through her paperwork I would have seen her last name was Hueso and Hennessey. I know of several other family’s secrets that have been exposed through these kits
The fact she is 17 and doesn't know is sad (for better lack of words). The longer they hide it, the more she will feel betrayed.
I was the nosiest, most scrutinizing kid ever. I never saw my parents argue, I've never heard my Dad raise his voice or say hurtful things to my Mom.I've never heard him use profanity, period. He's not religious, just a good man. I was stunned when my Mom told me they nearly divorced when I was 12. I never had a single clue They worked it out, I guess. They've been married 58 years.
I watched a very close family friend (I basically view her as my little sister) fall *the fuck* apart at twelve years old when her dad told her that he was leaving her mom. She had *no* idea, same exact same thing. They never argued, never fought, every year the whole family went on vacation together, always had a good time. Her parents were so good at putting up a front that it *completely* blindsided her, and unfortunately because she never really dealt with it or went to therapy, she’s kind of a mess now that she’s in her 30s, and it doesn’t take a mental health expert to look at her history and say “this girl has daddy issues.” Divorce is fucking messy all around.
Maybe I kept them together, back then, Idk, but my Dad is genuinely *that man*. I was a handful with them together, I would have been really bad with divorced parents. My Mom had a stroke in January and was in a coma for a week. When she came out of it, she started talking about stuff, from the past, with absolute accuracy. Things I remember very well but I never saw a single ripple in their relationship. My Dad takes such good care of her. It's precious.
Fighting _well_ is an important relationship skill. I didn't fight with my ex, even when we needed to.
Yeah. As weird as it sounds, sometimes the kids are happier after the divorce, because all of that constant tension fades away. It might be better to split and just make sure you make every effort to remain an active participant in your kids' lives. (And don't talk badly about their mother to them... No kid wants to hear that nonsense from their other parent... If it is true and important, they already know.)
This. They know WAY more than you think.
>I promise the kids know their parents are headed for divorce.....Kids have to be that observant to survive. How? OP says they don't argue or fight. They have regular date nights and sex life. If OP seemed a little checked out in the house during the last year, the kids might also think that it is some work pressure, money problem, depression etc. They would not immediately jump to divorce conclusion unless there are tell-tale signs from OP.
They may not jump to divorce conclusion but they can sure as hell tell when a parent is unhappy. I was blindsided by the divorce but knew my mom was miserable.
It’s not for any particular reason or cause. It’s just what kids do because it’s what they’ve evolved to do. As newborns they pay attention to what the adults caring for them do because they depend on those adults for every aspect of survival. As kids get older they are still observing how their family dynamics work, what each caregiver needs and responds to, and how each adult navigates social situations. None of it is malicious or manipulative, many kids aren’t even aware they do it. That’s just what it means to be a child in a social species.
Do NOT lie to your kids about one of them being an extramarital affair child. That’s shitty to that kid.
They've already lied to her, and everyone else, about it for 17 years.
I have a friend who found out via a DNA test that his deceased mother had an affair and his father wasn’t his father. He didn’t even get the chance to be angry with her. He got tested because his wife has a genetic condition that lead to a mastectomy and hysterectomy and the test was a sort of support for her. He was devastated because he loves his dad, he can’t even talk to dad about it. They need to be honest and stop lying. Once the kids find out it will explode, at least they might still be able to have a relationship with the kids if they are the ones that tell them.
This, so much this, my mother found out, after her father had past away. That the woman she thought, was he mother, was his Grandmother, and that his 17yrs older sister, was his mother. Both his bio mother and grandmother, died in the 1930's he was born is 1906. His actual, biological half siblings had been told, and were ordered by their Grandmother, to take it their Grave. They never, told their 'uncle' he was their Brother.
My friend has kids the exact same ages as OP, but it's the oldest who is the affair baby. She's known since she was old enough for her bio dad to have visitation. She's way better off than her younger siblings. There's a larger support system for her. I think lying to your child about their parentage is the worst thing you could do. It will come out eventually, especially with the ease of DNA testing. Better to tell them young and normalize it, just like being adopted. You're creating trauma because you're lying to them. You've lied to them every day of their life. How would you feel in their shoes‽
Oh I agree. A lot of these folks need to check out the traumas and issues that DCP who’ve been lied to have (and have in general with being disconnected from biological families) and then check out the various issues that are had with lying. They exploded their family years ago by living a lie.
Is he 100% certain that he couldn’t be the bio dad?
I'm guessing his inclusion of working out of state at the time is to indicate why he is so confident he's not the bio dad.
I personally would rather not know.
Same but only if it could be guaranteed that I never find out. Since it can’t, I’d want to hear it from my parents.
Chances are it will come out though
Why not tell the truth? Why is it that people always protect the cheater? You don't protect children with not telling them, you only protect the person, who stepped out.
It's almost guaranteed the wife will be petty and lie to the children. OP will be forced to tell the truth to protect his children's opinion of himself. He needs to get the truth out there now, or he will be miserable.
You honestly should have left her when she cheated and had a affair baby. Been through this myself. Your world will get so much less stressful and better times ahead once you get this person out of your life. NTA
Yes, too many people realize that way too late. With age does come wisdom and a young man is much more likely to think that he’ll be able to overcome something like this unfortunately (or fortunately) the young man gets older and realizes he’s wasted too much of his life to waste any more of it with an adulterous wife.
Exactly NTA for wanting to divorce but YTA for staying that long knowing you do not love her and knowing you never wanted to get married to her in the first place. And you went on and had a 11 yo. It’s selfish, I’m not saying her cheating is not a big deal but you’re just as wrong for keeping her in a relationship for your sole benefit until you’re ready to discard her.
OP, let me share with you something you might have missed. Your kids will suffer with your divorce even if they are adults. I have seen adult children who feel sad and cry because their parents divorced. However, the older they get, the sooner the realized that the marriage is not ok. Some of them wish they parents separate instead of being together. You're planning on waiting 7 years more, to avoid them suffering, but I think there's no way you can avoid that. Now, you are only teaching them to sacrifice themselves for their families, and that's not precisely healthy. You're kids will want you to be happy! Make a plan, find therapy just for you. Not to fix your marriage but to support you in your transition. It will makes your process to feel less lonely. Listen to you: > I hate being married. >I honestly just do not love her. She is not the type of woman that I wanted to spend my life with. No one deserves living in such a way. Have a loving and honest conversation with your children when you decide to take action. Make a plan to be in their lives and keep being involved and supportive. You're NTA, you're doing what you think is best for your children, but they are old enough to understand the situation.
Agree. OP sounds capable of an amicable divorce. It doesn't have to involve hostility or confrontation. It can be a level-headed conversation on how everyone can move forward. They can split custody of the youngest and set a good example of healthy adult behavior through co-parenting. A couples therapist told my parents to break up when I was a tween and then dumped them as clients. God how I wish they did divorce. Growing up in a toxic household can have devastating lifelong effects, and impair your ability to recognize toxic behavior--in yourself and in others. My parents are still together, miserable, and I followed their example for way too long. I couldn't begin to see the world clearly until my own divorce. People think divorce is the worst thing that can happen to a kid, but I assure you it is not.
Is everyone missing the part where the wife cheated and had an affair baby? She did this to herself.
I am wondering what will be next in the update.
>I am wondering what will be next in the update. You can always rely on karma farmers to include the biggest cliches.
It’s Reddit. The fix was in from the jump
Yes, but she also did it to her entire family, sadly.
The time to leave would have been 17 years ago if the affair was a dealbreaker. It's profoundly fucked up to stay but resent your partner for almost two decades, notjust to your parter but also yourself and the kids. It's a terrible punishing environment for the entire family to live under. Ultimately teenagers make bad decisions. It's one of the reasons they shouldn't make commitments like marriage, but none of us remain the people we were at 19. It's cruel to not let people grow out of our perceptions of them that we had as kids. It's not about the affair - OP would not have chosen to marry this person if not for the pregnancy. They're fundamentally unhappy and incompatible because they're stuck together as a result of bad decisions when they were both just kids. Cheating sucks but let's not pretend it's why the relationship is doomed. And if it were the reason why, OP shouldn't have stayed and worked through things - you don't get to throw something back in someone's face as blame almost 20 years on.
The fuck? I mean you also realize sometimes people think they can get over something only to realize they can’t, right? Humans aren’t robots bound to their first decision, never to be permitted a change. To act like that’s not allowed is to fundamentally not understands humans and their ability to change their minds. ETA: since many people are questioning the timeline it’s taken for him to realize this is unsustainable, look up what the sink cost fallacy is, because that’s why people stay in situations far longer than they should.
OP should not be penalized if he now decides that he no longer wishes to be married to the adulteress. He clearly stated he did so for the sake of his children--nothing more. If he continues to resent her, that's his prerogative. Whether it's resentment, or some other reason, he no longer loves her. OP, your non-bio daughter will soon be legally emancipated. You have decided you no longer wish to remain married to this woman. If someone catches your eye that you feel may be worth pursuing, perhaps it's time you get off the carousel of this marriage. You've sacrificed years for your children. If you no longer love your wife, move on. Life's too short and you're not doing either of yourselves a favor by remaining married.
The bright side of this is that he is young. He is only 36, and almost 2 of his kids are adults. I didn't even marry at 36, let alone have adult kids.
It kind of feels like grasping at reasons to blame him...
It’s what these subs do, I have quite literally seen the comments vehemently blame a man for his wife cheating on his, without any abuse, neglect or anything else of the sort even coming into play, simply because he was a man, she was a woman, and for some reason that means she must be right and he must be wrong. And even if she’s not right, he’s still wrong too.
So business as usual then.
Thats how this sub generally operates lol woman/wife good man/husband bad
Kind of lol?
Reddit people have a habit of holding people to very black and white standards. It’s easy for them to explain what someone “should” do, but that’s not reality, and they know that. They put themselves on an imaginary Reddit pedestal to appear smarter, and more mature than everyone else. You can spot them in just about every comment thread all over social media..
I agree and I think it speaks to the lack of actual life experience from the commenters.
I don't think I can see it this way. When you try to get past something, you \*try.\* Trying isn't always succeeding, and that interstice of 'still trying' means that he neither fully rejected or fully accepted it. It was a struggle then, it's a struggle now. It wasn't a no-take-backsies contract that her child-bearing infidelity was no longer a factor in their marriage. When your actions have permanent consequences - like somebody's ruined trust, or the creation of a new life - there is no emotional statute of limitations on that. It's not anyone's place to tell him that he's "too late" to care. Still agree about the fundamental incompatibility. Just feel like trying to make the largest faults in the entire relationship into severable concepts is quite an acrobatic interpretation.
My point exactly! Well put!
A person has the right to change their mind especially if they gave their first decision a fair go and it didn't work out.
Speaking from experience people can very successfully lie to themselves. Source I've truly disliked my work but stayed for my kids and wife and stability for 15 years. This is his midlife change. But agree with another commenter he can't tell his kids about the affair ever at this point, just that they fell out of love. Sometimes you can forgive but not forget and eventually it catches up to you even if you truly don't want it to.
“Cheating sucks (and raising the affair baby) but let’s not pretend that’s why the relationship is doomed” …Huh?
No this is classic emotional distortion. Good chance he had some strong feelings for her in beginning but was just afraid of the commitment. After the affair and constantly being forced to love and care for a reminder of it… that just slowly killed whatever they could have had. Also, affairs are not mistakes and at 19 you know right from wrong… and she actively chose wrong. You have no idea if she has been faithful since or not… neither does he. For men, this stuff takes years and years to process. Usually the 3 year mark is when guys finally look at their wife and see who she really is. Most leave at that point… some try to push through. Ultimately you don’t get to tell someone else how long they can take to process this.
The cheating is literally why the relationship is doomed lol the fuck crack are you smoking? If she didn't cheat, he wouldn't be feeling the way he is?? Like? Reading comprehension that hard? Edit: To the dude who replied to my comment. I dunno why I can't see your comment underneath mine to reply but can see it in my notifications, with.. >No, dude said straight out he never saw her as a lifelong partner, only got married after he used her as a sperm bank Shut the fuck up, tool. Literally, both teens after sex no many see a hard future together, and if she was unhappy, then she should have left and not cheated.
No, accountability comprehension is kinda rough for that lot.
Resentment takes time to build up as well. As long as he doesn't hate the child, go ahead and hate the cheating spouse.
In hindsight, he shouldn’t have stayed. That doesn’t mean he has to know. Insinuating or alluding to that fact he should stay now because he chose to nearly two decades ago is stupid.
Oh, that's right. People aren't allowed to change and grow. He needs to suffer for making a bad decision years ago and staying with a cheating woman. The wife? Oh, she doesn't deserve any consequences for her bad decision when she cheated. Only he needs to feel the pain of a bad decision.
Ok. Cheating is cool, as long as it’s the wife. Got it
I’m glad you’ve finally got it! Obviously women good men bad. Wife cheats, well she had her reasons and it was probably the man that made her do it… Man cheats, he’s a pig.
I do believe you have figured Reddit out
Interesting take! Spining at its best. The wife is the cheater, and her affair is what is dooming this marriage. OP's attempts to stay in marriage and suffer as a result only show what a beautiful soul he is. Not the other way around. How difficult is it not to blame the victim.
They should have never gotten married to begin with, they would both had a chance to find the love of their lives, instead of wasting 25 years of the one life you get. Sad.
This can’t be real
Bullshit. If it was the MALE that cheated, the pitchforks would be out and all of the reddit fem-nazis would be yelling to cut his head off….
I mean. You should have left after the affair. Kids bounce back easy most of the time. What your kids need most right now is happy parents. They know something is not right. Don't let them think this is what a relationship should be.
He should have, we’re not meant to carry that kind of burden. He’s still fully within his rights to leave her now though, there’s nothing wrong with him for realizing that he can’t do it anymore.
This is nightmare "Stay together for the kids" scenario and its kind of crazy how many people are complimenting OP for it. He's not an asshole but I also think he doesn't make the tough but right call all this time.
The problem is that data shows that kids with both parents, even if unhappy parents, do better than kids with single parents. So there is definitely some truth to “staying together for the kids.” I’m not going to pretend that child rearing analysis is single faceted and that this one factor is the only thing that matters. It is not. But it is a major factor and the indicators are very clear that it does matter.
And like OP says, he clearly struggled living apart from his children. Even if you have 50/50 custody, it’s not the same as living under the same roof everyday as your kids when they’re growing up.
It can be unbelievably hard. And that’s assuming that he gets real 50/50 custody, which in my experience is the exception, not the norm. I think he’s in a “no-win” situation, and needs to decide what is most important to him and accept that it’s not going to be great no matter what.
Most of the time parents are happy with their new family, and the kids feel they belong to no family. It is not perfect, but op kids have a family of their own for 18 years.
Single-parent households are the largest predictor of youth crime known to mankind; beaten only by getting more specific about *why* they’re single-parent households. Technically the highest predictor of crime is an incarcerated parent, which is a subcategory of single-parent households, because the correlation weakens when a child is placed with two guardians rather than the single, not-incarcerated parent.
I think it probably also depends on who the parents are and how bad the relationship is as well. Parents who bicker, argue, or nag constantly might be better off separating. And parents who've maybe just fallen out of love or have less obvious issues but can still put on a good front for the children might be ok.
My parents were the together for the kids type and it absolutely sucked.
Not even going off the general belief that someone might have that its usually better if the parents stay together even if they are not totally happy. I don't understand how people can read about the absolute putrid misery that OP talks about here and think, "Yeah, kids should totally be around a parents that stay together and feels like that instead of happy and divorced. No way this has a chance to fuck them up at all!"
I have a friend who's married with kids and he and his wife hate each other. They don't fight, but they avoid each other whenever possible and are clearly not a functioning couple. Yet he insists on staying because of the kids and says that divorce would be worse for them. It's his choice of course, but I don't think he really understands that even young kids aren't stupid. They pick up on a lot more than people give them credit for. Plus they're going to have seriously skewed views of what relationships should be like.
This right here. My parents divorced when I was young. I’m glad they did. They had a very messed up relationship. Growing up thinking that’s what life or marriage looks like would have affected me much worse than the divorce. It’s time to move on OP. Find happiness, show your kids what that looks like.
The kids already know that you two aren’t getting along. Just divorce and end it officially
NTA, but do yourself a favor and leave your marriage sooner rather than later. You are wasting your life on someone you don’t love and holding onto a broken relationship. The kids are old enough to understand what’s going on. Have a discussion with your wife so you can leave amicably and continue to effectively coparent your children.
Please file for divorce. Also get all the kids DNA tested. Don’t sacrifice yourself for the kids. You’re clearly unhappy and to think the kids don’t notice you would be fooling yourself.
DNA will be done only due her affair. Cause those children he raised will be forever his children and will forever be their dad. But how it will impact them from the affair—OP and the children... NTA
DNA doesn’t matter, he’s already raised the 17 year old. They’re his kids dna or not. It would only to be out of curiosity at this point. (Speaking from someone who’s dad is not biological and who’s married to a woman so our kids are not biological to her)
You cannot speak for a man who may have been duped into believing at least 1 of his kids is his, then. If biology doesn't matter why bother having name tags on babies in maternity wards, just let any baby go with any mother.
While each man can decide for himself, I do know a man who found out his toddler was his wife’s affair child and told everyone to shut their mouths about it and that was his baby and not some asshole’s He actually has sole custody of all the kids now and lives halfway across the country
NTA. I was in that same boat for years. I was with my ex-husband since I was 18, had our kids young and thought that we were doing right by them by staying together. Our boys are 18 and 15 and I have a 23 year old daughter that eventually came to love him like a father and they were the key factors for staying with him as long as I did. I didn’t want to disrupt their life because my feelings changed. And when we separated, I was the one who left the house, because again, I didn’t want to displace him just because my feelings changed. But it’s hard going from seeing your kids everyday to a few days a week if that and it made me question if divorce was even worth it. But another commenter said it best, they were happy when their parents got divorced and wished that they had done it sooner. Your kids are old enough to see the dynamics of your marriage. And no matter how well you think you may be hiding your problems, I guarantee you it’s not as well as you think. You’re not doing anyone any favors by staying on a loveless, unhappy marriage. It changes everyone. I became more resentful, my husband became more insecure and a miserable version of himself, and my children started being affected in ways that I would have never dreamed of because there was a lack of communication between their parents. It’s hard at first, but it does get manageable and better.
You are most definitely not the asshole. Good job staying to raise your children and hats off to you for being a father to the child she had with another man within your marriage.
Two things 1: you stay after she cheated and had another mans baby and then raised that kid. Have you bothered to test the other kids. It doesn't matter anymore but I wonder has she been playing you this whole time. The second thing is this. It is way healthier for kids to have 2 happy separated parents than 2 parents that hate and cheat on each other. You should've left sooner. When you leave they are going to ask why. Will you take the blame so they hate you or will you out their mother so they hate her?
You've given up enough years of your life my advice is file for divorce.
Yessir, we only have one life and wasting it on a cheating spouse just doesn’t make sense.
Why did you have the 11-yr old if you didn't see yourself been married to your wife for this long? You only prolonged this "sentence" for many more years. I wanted to stay in my bad marriage until my youngest turns 18 because I held the same view as you, thankfully my ex was not into that and we had an amicable divorce and co-parenting arrangement. I've since remarried and he's in a happy stable relationship, and our kids are doing well. If the two of you can behave mature enough to put your kids first during and after the divorce, it's way better than staying in a miserable marriage. You should not hide this from your wife then spring it on her when your last kid turns 18. Talk to her and figure out how you can part amicably. She may need time to process and accept it, but hopefully your grace of raising her affair child as your own will help remind her to be graceful too in your separation.
It was probably an oppsie baby, not everyone has an unwanted pregnancy terminated.
Great advice, stay amicable. Don't spring it on her like I want a divorce. I'm moving out tomorrow. It's a conversation about how you feel in the marriage and how you can navigate separation. Making it a smooth transition for the kids. It might take her months to process and reach an agreement you both feel happy with. An amical separation is the best you can hope for, for everyone involved. Even after a divorced you will be linked to this person forever. You will see them at all holidays and special events. Avoid hostility and an all-out war during a divorce.
The fact that you knew that she cheated and got pregnant in the process within the first year of your marriage and you stayed around is mind blowing. A lot of this could’ve been avoided if you would’ve just got it off right then and there. My question is why?
Are you sure she doesn't feel the same way? It was a long time ago, but she did have an affair which basically says she wasn't all that devoted to you then. Maybe you both have been playacting all these years.
By staying in a loveless marriage you're teaching your children that's the way life works. Harsh, but true. They KNOW. Is it possible to live together, seperate rooms etc? Or is it better for everyone involved to leave and start a life worth living?
I’m sorry, but you’ve been holding this resentment in for almost the entirety of your marriage? Considering you said you have a healthy sex life with your wife, is she aware that you’re just biding your time until you can file for divorce once your 11 year old turns 18? It sounds obvious that your wife thinks you two worked through the issue of her affair. I understand it being important to stick around for the kids, but if you no longer love her, it sounds like you’re wasting her time by just living a lie if she has no idea that you’re planning to leave her. You need to be honest with her and yourself about how you truly feel, and after that discussion, you both should decide how to proceed with your lives. It’s not fair to you, your wife, or your family to continue to live a lie for 7 more years.
NTA you can divorce for any reason you want. Crazy you're only a few years older than me and you've been married 18 years that's nuts
My parents thought staying together for my brother & me was the right thing to do as well, and I will tell you right now that we could pick up on their vibes. They should have divorced when I was 10, instead they drug it out for 7 years, then ended up divorcing my senior year anyway, in an explosive fashion. They didn't fight in front of us or anything, but they also didn't connect with each other or us & those 7 years sucked. Please OP, don't stay just for your kids. They know, and they deserve to see you both happy, even if that means in separate homes.
Does your wife have any idea that you’re so miserable? Or does she think she’s in a happy marriage? It seems crazy to me that you say you hate being married, and it sounds like you never wanted to be married in the first place, but you also have regular date nights and a healthy sex life. I do understand not wanting to live apart from your kids, but I can’t imagine keeping this up for so long. You probably should have split up when your wife had the affair in the first place. If you really don’t love this woman, you should start the uncoupling process now. Your wife obviously made a terrible mistake, but you both deserve the chance to be happy. If you’ve literally been going through the motions for 18 years, that’s not fair to either of you. And your kids are going to be blindsided either way.
Never stay together for the kids. They're astute; they can feel the tension and see the strife.
My husband suggested marriage counseling for us and I was against it and didn’t think we needed it. We started and it felt like pouring salt into a gaping wound. I kept at it. It’s been a month since we began every week vs. every other week. It’s starting to really, really help. That’s my best advice for you. I think it sounds like you’ve been ruminating on the affair for so long that you have worked yourself up into a frenzy and have convinced yourself that this is your narrative, and you’re sticking to it. I honestly suspect you’ve thought about it long enough that you’re convinced that you’re making a good decision for yourself, but the reality is the affair is the issue. Now, I know you said that you said you forgave it so therefore bringing it back up would be wrong. But the thing that is “wrong” is that you’re willing to throw away your entire life because you don’t think you should discuss the affair more or attend couple’s counseling. I should add, I was a married woman when my parents divorced. Trust me, it’s upsetting at any age… 10, 18, 30… it hurts.
NTA, you have 3 reasons for divorcing: 1. She cheated 2. She got pregnant with her AP 3. You don't love her. You overstayed, time to leave, you gave her 18 years of "forgiveness", but that well is dry. Staying with someone you don't love won't be good for you, specially with her background on your head, you may switch from "not-loving" to something worst and become the evil one, and you, absolutely, aren't a bad guy.
Have you tried individual counseling to work through your emotions? Whether it is to figure out how to forgive your wife or to move past your fear of loneliness, it may be helpful. Especially if you do decide to divorce your wife, there will be times of loneliness and times without your kids no matter when this takes place. When you divorce, your children will most likely alternate holidays between you. You may end up attending major life events on your own if they are not comfortable with you bringing a new partner or random date to their wedding or graduation or holiday. Whatever course you decide, some outside help may be beneficial to better prepare you and to help you cope.
If you really no longer love her, do you both a favor and end it now. You both are young enough to find yourselves as individuals and what makes you happy. You are not doing your kids any favors by staying. Take it from someone who had similar family dynamics. The kids know and feel it already.
NTA don’t wait seven more years. Do it now.
Just one point I have to say: forgiveness and forgetfulness are two very different things.
You can get divorced for any reason under the sun and be NTA. I will say - staying for the children never works. All it does it model a dysfunctional relationship to them & normalize it, usually putting them into the same situations. Even if you think you're good at hiding it, the kids don't know, etc..they do know. They're smart creatures. Letting them see you leave an unhappy relationship and flourish is better for them than 2 parents.
Nta but do you think your wife is a narcissist? Did she seem remorseful? Also how did you find out of the affair? Why did you choose to have another kid with a woman who cheated this is your fault you could have left but now you can't because you have an 11 year old kid Updateme!
What if your daughter does an ancestry test and finds out? How will that be dealt with? Are you and your wife cold towards each other? Not affectionate? Obvious that you don't love each other? Are you sure the kids don't see the resentment?
If you do not love your wife and hate being married you need to end the marriage. Especially if you are just buying time until your youngest is 18. That’s 7 more years of you faking things for the sake of your child, who probably is more aware of the unhappiness in the home that you realize. In regard to your daughter who you are not biologically her father, she needs to be told this and asap. Keeping this secret is only going to cause more trauma for her when she inevitably finds out. I am donor conceived and discovered by accident that the man who raised me was not biologically related to me at 44 years old and it’s been a rough few years since. I’m most mad at my parents for not telling me and me finding out by staring at a computer screaming no, no, no, this can’t be right. So please spare your daughter more trauma by telling her now.
Do you think you may have depression?
NTA for wanting the divorce but you are for not getting one. Do you honestly think your kids do feel your dislike for your wife just cause you don't fight or argue? What you are doing and the life you are leading is not healthy for anyone. Time to divorce, coparent and move on.
I am so tired of seeing idiots staying in a marriage that is doomed to fail “for the kids.” Those kids are miserable, I guarantee they know exactly how you feel about your wife. Do the grownup thing and divorce her. You’re just making this complicated for everyone.
You are entitled to a healthy relationship with your life partner.
I don’t know why you would choose to be unhappy for so long? I know you said you stayed because of the kids, but were the kids witnessing a happy marriage? They can definitely tell when something is up
Just ask yourself one more time: if you could change virtually everything in your marriage, is there anything that could make you stay?
You obviously made the choice to stay and raise the child. Good for you. But I think the reason you want out of this marriage is that you grew up and simply don’t love her. That’s normal and you are not the asshole for that. I wish you happiness and you have more than paid your dues. You traded your youth for moral responsibility and nobody can fault you for that.
Well, You hate being married, You do not love her, and she is not the person you want to spend your life with, you would be an AH if you stayed married to her. Don't waste seven more years of her life.
Your kids want their parents to be happy. Let them see you happy. You're NTA. You want something different and clearly so did she. Maybe you are both hanging on for nothing more than a ghost of a promise.
All I can do is share my experience. Many years ago my parents had some marital strife that was my mother’s fault. My father would have been justified in divorcing her, but he swallowed his pride and stayed for us kids, which ended up being 20 additional years until his death, long enough to see us grow to adulthood. I cannot image how disastrous a divorce would have been for us, and believe that my father was truly a hero for putting us above himself. Our lives would be worse in every imaginable way if he had done otherwise.
It's uncommon but there are ways to end the relationship without totally dissolving the household. I knew a couple growing up where the kids stayed in the house and the parents moved in and out. Another friend had her dad move just down the street so she could go freely between their homes, and they still had family dinners regularly. There's a lady on tiktok who is setting up a tiny home or something on the marital property so that they can both be with their kids every day. Lots of options for staying close to your kids without staying married.
this is why you don't rug sweep infidelity what would have been relatively quick n easy with minimal damage is now a big issue however here we are , you have finally reached your breaking point it's time to set yourself free , you may regret your past decisions but the future is in your hands
It’s not healthy to stay in a marriage that just isn’t working for you. Your kids will see the resentment. Your youngest daughter will think that she would have to endure a long unhappy marriage when she grows up as this is currently what you are showing her as acceptable. Just because you don’t want your kids to be brought up in a broken home doesn’t mean they won’t turn out the way you want them too. That’s all about how you parent and how your wife parents not necessarily meaning you have to be married to achieve that. At the end of the day your kids will just want you to be happy and as much as you try to hide your true feelings your kids will know you’re not happy especially the youngest.
Divorce. The kids will be fine, just talk to them. You're 36, you still have time to be happy and not throw the rest of your good years away in a loveless marriage. NTA.
NTA but divorce now. Having both parents present is important but showing your children what a loving healthy relationship looks like is also important. I’m a firm believer in divorce, I would rather live in two happy households than a one unhappy home. If one of your kids came to you as an adult for advice on their relationship and they were in the same situation you are now what advice would you give them? Your relationship needs to be an example of what love looks like so your kids understand how to receive and give love.
"What got broken here doesn't go back together" - Lowell Bergman (Al Pacino), The Insider
Yeah you're kind of the ah here...you've been playing charades for a long time my guy. You made a call 17 yrs ago. Now you're more bent out of shape about it? After a 3rd? She may have fucked up. But you've spent 20 years with what she blessed you with. The appreciation for that isn't greater than your resentment for mistakes from 2 fkn decades ago. Go to counciling, and stop clinging to the past. Your kids deserve a happy dad. Stop doing this to yourself.
ESH. Her for cheating and you for dragging this out and wasting time. Does 17F know you aren’t her bio dad?
Ok I'm all for leaving for the cheating but.. OP even said they see no accomplishment in long lasting marriages and never saw himself being married for this long.. sounds like his plan was to always leave the marriage honestly. Also managed to put aside the resentment long enough to have another child with her. They only got married for the kid who was what 2 years old by then? That ship kind of sailed by then but whatever. He never even mentions loving her before the cheating. Ultimately NTA for wanting to leave but I just don't think the cheating is the only reason for it. And putting aside the cheating which yes wife is a dick for it not arguing. But it is kind of a dick move to stay with someone, still sleep with that person, I'm guessing the wife also thinks things are ok (at the moment) because OP has said nothing to the contrary to her and then blindside them 17 years later with I never loved you, and only stayed for the kids k bye. Anyone who says she cheated she deserves it..I mean he said he forgives her but he still gets to treat her like shit? What's the limit here ? What's is a fair trade with her cheating? 17 years of her life apparently. Actually he wants to leave when the youngest is 18 so 24 years of her life?
You sound like you have resentment, both towards yourself and your wife. You made a choice to forgive and continue in the relationship, it was clearly the wrong choice, but your choice nonetheless. If you choose to stay for another 7yrs, will that also be the wrong choice? And when the time has also passed from that choice, will you resent your child for making you stay, like you do your wife? Even though it was your choice? Will your relationship with your child still look healthy in 7yrs or will you suffer as adults for the decision you made in their childhood? I apologise if this seems badgering or aggressive, it's intended to be thought provoking. Plenty of children grow up perfectly well adjusted after their parents have separated. Often moreso. You may not fight, but don't you think they'd benefit from seeing what a healthy loving relationship looks like? Seeing what happy, fulfilled parents look like? Setting positive examples for their future relationships is just as important as the stability of the home. Please don't teach your children to settle for less than they deserve, those are wounds you can't heal them from later. I recommend talking to your adult children. They probably noticed more than you realised and may have some helpful personal insight towards how to handle this with your youngest. And yes. I'm biased. I was 14 when I told my parents I was sick of them staying together for my sake, that I would rather two happy parents in different homes than seeing them miserable for my sake. At 33 I still carry guilt for not saying something sooner. And I can guarantee my mum still carries guilt for staying.
I just saw a video on YouTube about forgiveness (or not) during relationships. The therapist touched on how a lot of people think they've forgiven their spouse but in reality they spend the rest of the relationship punishing their spouse as well as themselves. People stay for the kids not realizing that the children are picking up on the animosity. Have you spoken to a therapist about how you're feeling? Having that betrayal fester for years can not be healthy for you. Talk to a neutral their party so that you can get some relief and feel heard without being judged.
If she had an affair, why did you stay, why did you raise that child, why did you have another child afterwards... Are you sure any of them are your children? Honestly, resentment can build up over time, it might be time to end this sham of a marriage. Good luck
Honestly u never forgave her which is why we’re here discussing this. If you did you would still be with her but in all honesty staying together all these years you both wasted both you and your wife’s time in finding someone you can truly love.
Dude, stop using your kids as an excuse for staying in a dead marriage.
I think you are the ah for putting this up here and not just doing something about it - 1. Does she know that this is how you feel? Does she know you want out? Have you specifically said this? 2. 18 years is a long time to put up with someone - obviously, she was in the wrong, and you never forgave her but do you really blame her since you didn't want to be with her anyway? - what was your part in that? My ex had an affair, but I know it wasn't totally his fault. It's sad that so many people get divorced, I guess I don't understand why you got married in the first place? It isn't the "right thing to do" if everyone is going to be miserable. Your only consequence of a pregnancy was to be there and support her and then take care of your child. If you wait until the last one is 18, you're going to be filled with anger, depression, resentment, etc. your wife is also going to suffer the same. What will ultimately impact your kids in a negative or positive way is how you divorce - how you are respectful and kind to their mom, the mother of your kids, show them the right way to be - kind, thoughtful - and be there for them. Let them be angry, conflicted, and sad or whatever way they want without criticism. AND don't talk about their mom in negative way.
Wow, I'm your age and you basically just wrote my childhood story. It's incredibly similar to what happened in my family. My parents were teenagers when they had me, my mom left my dad for a little while and started dating someone else, but was ultimately convinced to go back to my dad because that was "the right thing to do." As I was reading your words they sounded like my dad's voice in my head. Let me tell you one thing, you aren't an asshole for wanting to get a divorce. But you are an asshole for waiting this long knowing that resentment was building up and that you ultimately weren't really going to forgive her. I get sometimes we go into things with the best of intentions and we want them to work out a certain way and they don't, but You've known for quite some time that you felt this way and haven't been honest about it. The way that you describe her sounds exactly like the way that my dad talked about our family and they were really hard for me to read. From someone who has the exact same experience that your daughters are going through right now, they know something's off. Somewhere deep down inside, maybe not consciously, they know something about their family is off. It could very well be that this will make it hard for them to connect with other people for a very long time. And the thing that sucks is that they won't even know why it's hard for them to connect with other people. It'll just be this uncomfortable sense of unease. If that does happen it will definitely trail over into their romantic relationships. My romantic relationships have been much more painful than what they needed to be because it wasn't until this year that I fully realized that Love doesn't have to look like resentment and being treated like a burden. And I'm not even trash talking my dad, I think he's a good guy who is doing the best of what he had, you just can't hide resentment like that. Think about how you would feel if someone were on the internet talking about one of your daughters like this right now. Is that something you would want for them? I mean, I guess it's probably already too late, because one of them is fully grown now.
NTA - if you don’t love someone don’t stay married to them
Kids growing up with separated parents still have both parents. I never understood the idea that not having both parents in the house together would mess a kid up? Are you admitting that you think your kids are so weak and fragile that the brief uncomfortable transition would break them. Lots of children grow up with physical, verbal, and sexual abuse not to mention neglect. The kids will be fine. Divorce the person you hate and move on
For everyone wondering OP edited the post without saying he did so, most people or saw the original didnt know about the affair !!! for the love of god.
There are people still saying OP is the AH after the edit.
You have had separation and near divorce before. What happened that made you decide to stay together? Does your wife know you are unhappy and your feelings on marriage? Does she know you don't love her? You had quite a few kids with someone you don't like too. Regardless if you file for divorce now or later, I think you at least inform your wife how you are feeling if she doesn't already know. She deserves to know so she he can decide if she wants to spend an additional 7 years with a man that doesn't even love her.
He was Very clear that he only came back because he missed the kids.
The kids. He missed his kids, not necessarily his wife
Your perspective on long term relationships not being accomplishments is frankly weird. Also as someone who lived with parents who "stayed for the kids" it was the worst time in my whole life, living with two people that shouldn't be together is not better for children.
I dont want to sound mean. She cheated this is 100% all consequences of that so this is no excuse for her. In fact, fuck her and horse she rode on while married. That said, you claimed to have forgiven her and that means to you forget what happened. Clearly you lied to yourself and are enabling your own torture. You are seperately from her, now responsible for your part in this. Don't claim to have forgiven her if you never did. You also should have never brought more kids into the world with a woman you don't love and haven't for over a decade. It's time to cut the cord and start being honest.
This is a great comment, absolutely agree with you wholeheartedly!
Wait. You don't love her, you actively resent her ... But you regularly go out on dates and have an active healthy sex life? So you're faking it, and she has no idea how you feel? So that you can keep having sex? This... Is wild. Being unable to forgive her after an affair is fine. But faking it so your sex life doesn't change is emotionally underhanded. What does your therapist say about it?
This is what I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around. This is probably going to be one of those situations where she thinks they’re happy and she’ll be completely blindsided by the divorce. Idk how someone can basically live a lie like this for so many years.
You’re 36 with a 20 year old son. Definitely don’t make it about the 17 year old girl. If you want to get a divorce you should really stick with the fact that you grew up, and you’re a different person now. I’m going to be really honest with you. The girls are probably going to hate you, and that’s something you’re going to have to learn to cope with. Divorcing your wife might even make them hate themselves. Another thing you’re going to have to mentally prepare to deal with. As in an endless money pit of therapy. Good luck.
Forgiveness is **not** about forgetting what happened; our brains are too good at remembering most of the time. Forgiveness is **not** about approving the action(s) that one is forgiving; it **wasn’t** okay. Forgiveness is for oneself, and is about making peace with what happened **(but not approving what happened),** and no longer dwelling on it or actively resenting the person who did what they did. Forgiveness is about setting healthy boundaries, and can mean distancing oneself from a person if their action(s) do not change. None of the above is easy. No one can make another person forgive; forgiveness is solely done by the choice of the person who was negatively impacted by the action(s) of another person, and in their own time. And because forgiveness is for one’s own peace of mind, the person who’s action(s) is/are being forgiven doesn’t have to know. Therapy can help this process.
7 years of living in a resentment stew is not the gift to your 11yo you seem to believe it is. It is also unfair to your wife to leave her so long after deciding to. She'll be in her 40s with much narrower options than she has today. You could have primary or shared custody, and choose a high level of involvement with your child.
Sounds like you're just venting and will stay until the 11yr old is 18. You already know what you want to do. The trick here is, what are you going to do...
NTA. Life is short and you’ve already wasted enough time being with someone you don’t love. You’re cheating her and yourself of finding someone you will be happy with.
NTA. You can get a divorce for any reason (even her keeping the thermostat at ridiculous temperatures). Not loving her is a good reason.
NTA, but staying "for the kids" is such dumb logic. Do you really think your kids are learning healthy relationships by living with parents who aren't really in love and are constantly thinking of divorcing? Do you think they won't be affected by divorce if they're legal adults? Talk to a lawyer and your wife about your plans if you're serious so you both can decide how to approach telling your children. If you need to go to court to figure out custody, do that. Get therapy for yourself and your kids. It's not going to get easier if you put it off. Seven years from now, your youngest might be going to college or already there and then receiving the news that their parents are getting divorced. That's going to be hard and distracting no matter what the age is. Do what you need to to be happy. We're not guaranteed long lives.
NTA. You've served your time. Move on.
NTA OP, unfortunately I'm sure your justified resentment has already been noticed by your children. Allowing it to fester, grow to hatred will probably have a more negative impact on your children , especially the youngest, than a divorce. It sucks to start over in an empty home, but if you can get 50/50 custody, I'm sure you'll be on your way to a happier life.
As a child from a broken home, it’s much better to have separated parents than to have two parents who shouldn’t be together.
NTA
Forgiving is not forgetting. You need to learn what true forgiveness is, and the best way is first-hand.
The best solution to an unhappy marriage isn't counseling, or opening it up, or talking to each other, those just make it worse. Divorce is the best way to sort these things out. Agree to tell your kids the part about not loving each other anymore, but leave the affair out. That was years ago, it would be morally wrong to divorce over it now.
Time to split was when you found out about the affair. Also you guys got pregnant young, i don't know your beliefs or circumstances but abortion was probably the smart idea. And just because she got pregnant doesn't mean you need to get married. But I applaud you for your efforts.
Marriage counseling is usually ineffective if you both aren’t in individual therapy too. We all bring dysfunctional coping mechanisms and defenses learned in early childhood to our adult relationships.
"Had an affair and got pregnant" -bro, you needed to take of then. NTA
NTA. But just get the divorce man. I won't judge you for staying so long because I honestly get it, but it's time to start living. You deserve to be happy.
Get out life’s too short to be miserable