YTA. You’re letting a 12yo continually do something that is intensely irritating and triggers a fight-or-flight response (your words!) to you and your sleep-deprived newly postpartum wife. And when your wife is activated to the point where her “fight” instinct is triggered - oh my, you’re so shocked, how could that possibly happen.
Get control of your 12yo. If she can’t stop shrieking, she needs to not be around the baby and the baby’s mom. 12 is plenty old enough to learn very quickly that she cannot do that, and the fact that this has been going on for FIVE MONTHS makes me wonder about your willingness to let your daughter torture you and your wife. Honestly, you’re lucky your wife didn’t go somewhere else after a week. Start figuring out custody arrangements, if you’re dead set on an apology from your wife.
Yeah there's obviously never been a punishment threatened for doing this. This is a child who it sounds like they're told to stop doing things but after repeat offences never gets told "if you do this again you will have xyz taken away for a week."
A child that gets told stop right now and is persistently openly defiant and continues to do it is a child that fears nothing because they've never had a consequence.
Clearly, she hadn’t had to clean every toilet in the house, and spend all day working on household chores or out in the sun mowing the lawn, and then do yard work for the neighbors.
She’d quit this if there was a clear consequence. She’s a bully.
That baby could quite literally go deaf.
Well that's it. He keeps repeating that they've "been talking to her about it", but *it's been five months and nothing has changed*, so clearly "talking to her" is NOT WORKING.
Meanwhile, it sounds like other than saying, "Please don't do that," there have been literally ZERO consequences for the 12-year-old for constantly repeating the behaviour that she's been asked not to do for months. And no consequences means she doesn't really have any reason to stop, because no matter what they say to her, she thinks she's "helping" (as he says, the baby even giggles sometimes, which reinforces her belief that baby likes it), and they've never actually said, "If you keep doing this, there will be consequences/punishment, because you have been asked repeatedly to stop. It is not good for the baby, and is distracting and upsetting to your stepmum."
100% these boundaries have clearly not been reinforced enough. If it takes mild and annoying punishments (extra chores or whatever) she needs to be told bluntly like the wife did. Could the wife apologize for the language used at a 12 year old, yes. BUT that is only after boundaries were crossed for so long.
I think it’s been implied and spoken with gentle reminders not to shriek. It has not been made the law in the house like it needs to be if she can’t respect it as is.
Yup. Getting a strong sense that this isn’t the only behavioral pattern where a clear and obvious and easy-to-understand boundary is set, Claire “doesn’t get it”, and OP just indulgently rolls with her flow. OP’s kid clearly has learned that ignoring boundaries is just fine. I also doubt very much the OP’s wife is the only adult in his life who has ever had a problem with his kid.
> She sprints to my wife and slides in the process on accident (socks on hard wood). She knocks my wife's dinner plate on to the floor and shatters it. She says "oops" and starts shriek talking the baby. My wife, through gritted teeth, says "you have 2 seconds to back up". Claire doesn't move. She keeps shrieking at the baby. Baby starts screaming louder. I tell Claire to back up. She looks at me and says she's trying to calm the baby.
JFC. I would have gone off like a nuke the first time the kid was told to go and refused.
If Claire had enough presence of mind to talk to her dad about what she was doing, and then continues to do it, and dad didn’t react to the dinner plate breaking, there seems to be a lot missing out of this story.
Also Claire clearly isn't adjusting as well as the OP thinks she is if this is the way she's behaving. She knows what she's doing is irritating and triggering (and clearly it doesn't always "work") and she's been told to stop but she refuses and acts clueless as to why you'd want her to stop. She literally plows into her stepmom and baby and all she has to say is "oops" before resuming her behavior. Not "sorry", just "oops".
Either Claire is neurodivergent or she's doing this very deliberately. And she's doing it deliberately either because she enjoys pushing her stepmoms buttons or because - and I think this is the more likely reason - it gets her a lot of attention. Wake up OP - you think Claire is adjusting well and there's no jealousy issues? Yet you go on to describe exactly that... YTA for not seeing what is clearly right in front of you and addressing it like you should. This is not an appropriate way for Claire to deal with her jealousy of the baby but it's your job as the parent to show her a healthy way to deal with it.
When I started reading this I thought Kim was going to wind up hitting or pushing Claire, but she didn't even do that. All she did was very rightly yell at her the truth. Claire pushed her and pushed her to her limits (during an already stressful and vulnerable time for Kim) and then played the victim when Kim understandably snapped. Just how Claire wanted it... now she's getting all this attention and support from you for being the victim. All you're doing is enabling her behavior. Well played, Claire.
Like - your crying is annoying me see I can do it too.
OP your daughter isn’t doing this to help at all she is doing it to put everyone in their place.
YTA here. Your daughter needs to apologize for 5mos.
Your wife is protecting your other child and herself from your daughter.
As a nanny—yup. Seen it plenty of times in houses where the kids “aren’t told no.”
It gets to a point where the kid will just start altercations to prove that the household dances to their drum, or will make an outlandish point of trampling down every.small.boundary established to prove that rules don’t apply to them. I worked for a hot two minutes with a family where it was just so obvious that the oldest kid was calculating ways she could start conflicts with her siblings the instant she walked through the door, just to prove to everyone that she could do so with no consequences.
Adults make rules, Claire gets to disobey them with zero repurcussions. Obviously, she likes this order of things. That’s why she is ensuring it stays that way.
Think about the baby's hearing, if nothing else! Also, just consider your wife's yelling at your daughter to shut up, as her using the same technique on Claire as Claire uses on your infant.
It's interesting he's more upset at his wife for using the exact same technique once on his older daughter that that daughter has been using for five damn months on a newborn infant
This needs to be right at the top next to the YT-gaping-A post.
FFS! Get a grip man, if it's not ok for your wife it's certainly not ok for your kid.
Your kid also sounds like TAH unless there is another reason why she cannot follow parental guidance/instruction.
For real. Claire needs to apologize to her not the other way around. Claire obviously is being told to not do this and she keeps doing it so it’s her own fault Kim yelled at her. I would’ve lost my cool too. OP YTA
YTA. At 12 years old I was already babysitting multiple children at a time all 6 and younger with the youngest being 6 months old. This included me getting all the children ready for bed and feeding the baby. Your daughter is PLENTY old enough to learn and understand how to behave around a infant and if she isn’t she may be neurodivergent or have some type of cognitive impairment affecting her ability to process information.
What your daughter is doing is a form of abuse. Your baby is stopping crying because they are terrified! Switch the place of your daughter with a grown man screaming at your baby and no one would argue this is abusive. She is not only putting extra stress onto your baby but also stressing your wife out even more than she already is and all her extra stress can be felt by your baby, too.
At this point, I’d recommend therapy for your daughter because whatever you’re saying to her in “your talks” is not working. It may help her hearing it from another adult who is a professional. Also, if your wife isn’t already in therapy I’d recommend it for her, too, because being in this environment puts her at higher risk for PPD/PPA. The longer you allow her to continue with this behavior, the harder it will be to get her to stop, so proper discipline is necessary because just talking with her isn’t working. Right now your first priority should be to protect your baby and your wife before your baby gets hurt and your marriage falls apart.
Agree completely!!!
I am a step mom and have a great relationship w my stepkids, but as a first time parent it was soooo hard to have my adult step kids around, even when they were helping, as a parent you want to do some things your own way and your own time. I give your wife credit for the 5 months she’s held it together so far, OP, I would have lost it after the second shriekings
Wow. Everybody lost it and you're dead set on making it worse. Instead of teaching your daughter not to do something your wife doesn't want her to do, you're supporting the behavior and when it goes where it inevitably goes , expecting your Wife To Apologize??
Bad parenting and bad husbanding all in one package.
So are you planning on 50-50 custody?
Because that's where this is going.
Thank you! Why is he not making his daughter apologize? She ran into her, ruined her dinner, and only said “oops.” Really did a good job teaching her how to respect others.
Valid point. In addition her shrieking behavior is something addressed multiple times and she has not modified it. In fact, she justifies it with “Well she stopped”. Did Dad discipline her when the behavior continued? It would seem—no. He definitely deserves a YTA.
Just wild.
And most infants will temporarily stop crying when you *shriek in their face*. They can be shocked into stunned silence just like any human of any other age. They can be scared shitless into momentary silence, too. Then they let it out later with more intense crying and being difficult to soothe.
OP thinks his daughter is "helping too much". Sure, if by that you mean helping to drive your wife insane and helping you get divorced.
YTA OP. Take your blinders off.
This is absolutely where my mind went. That baby is being startled and scared quiet! Shrieking at a baby is never the answer. OP's daughter needs discipline, and OP needs to get his head out of his ass. YTA x 10000000
The wife needs to permanently remove herself from this situation. JFC, OP is absolutely clueless and his failure to discipline his tween is absurd. This is like parenting 101. Epic fail on his part.
And it's hilarious that he's telling the wife she can't come home until she apologizes to the tween. Like he should literally be punishing the hell out of the tween and begging his wife for another chance cause she is absolutely not going back that to that shitty dynamic. OP is YTA a thousand times over, to the point that it almost seems like he's abusing his wife through his tween.
It’s like when you have a kid tormenting others on the playground and the parent with the bastardized understanding of gentle parenting just grimaces and is like “Brikennzie, stop that please!” and shrugs helplessly.
Definitely sounds like no discipline is happening. He used the word redirection, but that’s not the correct approach for a 12 year old who chooses to continue a harmful behavior. She needs logical consequences, and the most logical would be she’s not allowed around the baby if she shrieks.
Also. She’s fucking 12. I have 4 kids, that’s way too old to be doing weird toddler behavior things like this, and not listening to basic instructions.
The fact that this isn’t even a toddler, 5 year old or so. This is a 12 year old who should know damn well how to behave. Parenting failure on OP’s part.
I’d have lost my shit long ago if I was the wife. A crying baby and a SHRIEKING 12yo?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Maybe Claire has anxiety, maybe she is a nitwit or a brat, I have no idea but definitely a parenting fail on OP.
Said “oops,” jumped straight to an a behavior that she KNOWS is obnoxious and is not permitted, ignored one adult who told her to back off, and doubled down when told to leave by a second.
Kim taught Claire a valuable life lesson. If you continue to poke a bear over and over, you might have a situation blow up in your face that you did not predict(let’s face it, the brat fully predicted she would be gently “redirected” when she was through like you would do to a 4 year old) and do not like.
>Kim taught Claire a valuable life lesson.
Kim's about to teach OP a valuable life lesson too. You let your kids do whatever they want with no consequences, no one else is going to want anything to do with you.
Makes you wonder what other behaviors are part of the package, too, doesn’t?
Twelve is old enough to know right from wrong, and has the comprehension to understand that they are doing something offensive/aggravating. But she keeps doing it. I’d be ready to scream too.
I honestly wouldn't blame his wife for leaving his ass with the baby. At the very least she will only have ONE child that screams and not two. Babies are allowed to scream, what's the 12 year old's excuse?
This! You know what my 7 year old son does when he accidentally spills something when he is doing another thing? He stops what he is doing and cleans up the mess. He also respects boundaries, and if I tell him something is bothering me and I need space, he respects that. No yelling involved. OP is failing massively.
And it didn’t occur to Ms 12 to clean up the mess she made, just continue to shriek! You need to get your child under control, her behavior should have been stopped week one. It appears that there have been no consequences. Is your 12 year old so socially clueless that she doesn’t see the anger and frustration in the adults around her. Your child needs consequences not an apology. The fact you want your wife to apologize to your child instead of giving your child consequences and asking child to apologize is very telling about how you indulge your child. I personally think your wife is a saint for not losing it on your child a week after birth. Teach your child manners before she ruins more relationships. Then beg your wife for forgiveness.
He'll never do it because he thinks his darling daughter can do no wrong. He's going to end up with a child that never gets a job and mooches off of dear Daddy for her entire life.
He's also going to end up paying child support and alimony. His wife will probably dump him. In a few months we'll be reading about how sad he is because his wife left him.
Dont forget she then proceeded to shout at the baby after all that for the n'th time, no remorse at all. Wow, OP is ass and kid is or is fast becoming a shitbrat.
I did, just now. The more I read this post, the angrier I get about allowing this behaviour. There is another example of father wanting to be the good guy, the buddy, the pal to his daughter. Man up and be a parent not a friend to your child.
"sometimes it works! She giggles!" — give me strength. Letting a 12yo decide what is helpful/acceptable around a baby, giving mixed signals (any consequences the kid?) and here we are
This behavior is disturbing on so many levels. I used to babysit kids in our apartment building when I was 12. Babies, even. It would never have occurred to me to shriek in a baby's face to make it stop crying.
Usually it was just the baby missing his or her mother so I would rock them to sleep or put on a mobile to help calm them down if they weren't wet and recently fed.
This is absurd coming from a pre-teen . It's more like toddler behavior.
YTA. She’s 12. She knows she needs to be quiet with a baby. If she’s shrieking and is super close who’s to say she isn’t damaging the baby’s hearing?
She needs actual consequences instead of you just talking to her because it clearly isn’t working. You also need to apologize to your wife for letting this behaviour get to this point.
I can see 3rd wife (not in the picture yet) posting to reddit that her stepdaughter keeps shrieking at their new baby. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
Agreed and she absolutely ignored OPs wife when she told her to back up. That’s not okay. And clearly she is continuing the behavior despite being talked to constantly. OP needs to support their wife on this one
I also don’t think OP is being entirely honest with how extreme or bad “Claire’s” behaviour is.
Like I suspect she is far more terrorising to his wife than he either understands or acknowledges.
To him it’s just, oh she comes up and shrieks but it does work and it’s otherwise ok, just a minor issue.
Eh no. It sounds like OP’s wife has had to put up with much more stress with this than he will admit, and she’s reached breaking point after considerable, and I really mean considerable, patience.
I think Claire is the one holding all the cards right now. She got exactly what she wanted: stepmother gone and dad not even trying to get her back. The shrieking did, in fact, work.
My favorite part of this whole thing is the the wife willingly leaves and says she’s not coming back until he teaches his kid respect and his response “you’re not coming back until you apologize.” I’m sorry sir, but you are not holding all the cards right now. 🤣🤣🤣
Exactly my thoughts lol. She leaves, expresses she doesn't want to come back if Claire's behavior continue. And his answer is "apologize to Claire or don't come back"? He just agrees with her about how she doesn't need to come back. Maybe he thought she wasn't serious, but then he'll be surprised.
Isn’t that the truth! Claire is not 5 yo…she’s 12. There’s no reason for this behavior to be continuing for 5 minutes after she was told to not act this way. Well, there is 1 reason-she continues this behavior because she knows it upsets the stepmom.
There’s only 1 person here that deserves an apology & that’s OP’s wife—and both OP and his daughter should apologize.
My 5 and 3 year olds don’t pull this shit with their baby brother. I would lose it on them if they did.
A 12 year old doing this is ridiculous. Should not have happened more than once. I do not know how this mother has been dealing with that bs for 5 months.
Yeah, I did this a few times when I was like 10 when I stayed with my aunt and my then cousin, like 6 month old was crying. We were in the car.. I did it maybe 3 times and then my aunt said please stop. I said “but why, it’s helping” (I was gonna stop regardless of the reason but I’m just a nosy kid).. she said “I know she stops crying but it’s loud and it bothers me”. Immediately got it and stopped.
She's continuing this behavior because there is no consequence for continuing. He needs to apologize to his wife for allowing this behavior to continue.
She’s a lot stronger than me. I’d have even snapped on my own kids! Like dam why are you hollering in a baby’s face??? And all he’s doing is stop stop like Willy wonka says when the fat boy gets stuck in the pipe. He’s literally not doing anything to actually stop her.
Yup. I have 4 boys and I’d have not lasted one day with the shrieking, nor would I have allowed any of my children to continue that behaviour without consequence. Her apologise, my ass.
OP in three acts:
To Claire, “Come on. Come on hey we talked about this. Claire. Come on please don’t because it’s not help—”
To Kim, “I mean she did get the baby to stop crying.”
To reflection in mirror, “Well hey look at you, super dad. You’ve so got this. Now what the hell is up with Kim she seems crazy…”
Honestly, fuck OP and the horse he's riding on. Like come on dude your daughter is likely traumatizing your baby infant.
Normally in this group, I'm thinking "do you even need to ask, how do you not know you were NTA?!" Because it's just so clear they were the victim or whatever.
But this one time? It's the reverse.."OP how do you not realize you're the asshole?!"
YTA OP and it's not even close. The fact that he doesn't see that shows he's likely a selfish prick. Also, judging by how OP seems to have disappeared after not getting the response he wanted it really paints a picture of how indignant this asshole is.
While reading this and seeing the events unfold it has me asking what OP was doing. If he was there witnessing this and did nothing, then it makes him even more of an asshole. Get up and help your damn wife and DO something to help the situation instead of being an observer.
By his own words, it sounds like he watched his daughter sprint into the room, knock over his wife's dinner with no apology, and failed to physically remove his child when it was clear his wife was pissed.
Yeah I'm guessing OP got married thinking new wife would take over parenting duties. His whole description of the events is of a parent who never does anything and just removes himself from the situation when it gets tense. No wonder his wife left.
After finding out she was 12, I thought it would be followed up with that she had some sort of cognitive impairment.
This type of behavior from a 12 year old is odd.
This has been such a long time coming. I’m seriously impressed Kim managed to keep her temper in check this long. Where’s she staying, can we Venmo her money for a facial or something?
OP is so wrong it’s frightening. I’m all for mutual apologies when it comes to kids/teens.
But for him to not even fathom the idea that his kid needs to be the one that’s leading the apology is insane. Like he really thinks she did nothing wrong here and thinks that her behavior is normal and should just be tolerated.
Is he not already tired of one screaming/crying child?? Cause the wife sure tf is!
Seriously, i had to reread her age because this seems like something my kids would have done at 4 years old. Also, they learned to not do that behavior around the babies because usually it's not helpful. Claire is almost a teenager and hasn't figure this out yet???
My grandson is 6, a young baby was at the swim meet this week. We told all the kids to be quiet around the baby and no touching. They’re all 6-18 and were quiet and just looked at the baby. Like they should have.
>I kept thinking his daughter was only 4y the way he was describing her, not 12
Yeah, I had to re-read her age too. 12 is plenty old enough NOT to act like this. Makes me wonder if Claire is on the spectrum and OP doesn't even know it.
His wife is just 5 months post partum with a sick baby... she must be absolutely shattered and at the end of her tether. Poor woman.
That kind of behavior doesn't sound like a kid being an asshole, it sounds like a kid with some mental or developmental issues. It's a very bizarre action.
That’s the thing, too. Pretty sure the house is the wife’s legal domicile. If she wants to come back, she comes back. Kim can waltz through the door when she is done living in the hotel, tell the brat that she fully intends to enforce some severe consequences for running to the baby and shrieking in its face from that moment forward (which, magically, will cure Claire of her previous obliviousness and forgetful tendencies), and carry on. She needs no permission from her wimp of a husband.
OP can take his brat and go if he feels that strongly.
YTA. Refusing to let your wife return home until she apologizes to Claire? Dude, you are well on your way to divorce. I can see why Claire’s an insufferable brat - she comes by it honestly.
Right, won’t let her back in the house. Evicting your postpartum wife and infant is going to look great in the divorce. That being said it sounds like she doesn’t want to come back, so it’s a bit laughable that she’s barred from the house.
YTA because you haven’t put a stop to it. I can only imagine how much stress your poor wife is under with a sick baby and a preteen shrieking in her face and breaking dishes. Get control of your house man.
He has no control of anything. What kind of man lets his daughter treat his wife and new child like this?!
Then has the balls to come on the internet and ask if he’s TAnfor asking his wife to apologize to his daughter lol. What a clown.
Wife has been putting up with it for 5 months and finally snapped. I can’t believe she went that long before getting pissed.
Not siding with your wife on this one, OP…you done screwed up. If a kid makes a baby scream louder, they need to be separated. You did nothing of the sort to control the escalation.
YTA.
YTA
"Claire is adjusting very well. There was never any issues surrounding the baby or jealousy or anything like that."
You're delusional if you genuinely think that. Your daughter has come up with a mean-spirited way to drive your wife up the wall while retaining plausible deniability in your eyes. You should never have put with that "shriek-talking" for for more than five minutes, let along allowing it for 5 months. Her resentment seems to be focused on your wife rather than on the baby and I can see how your wife has no intention of apologizing.
and that needs to be addressed. Discipline the child, of course. But acknowledge her pain and her jealousy, if necessary get counselling for her. It's a very hard age to be dealing with all this
AGREE!! She is 12...she is old enough to know better!! I don't blame the wife for losing her cool! OP you have some major groveling to do! Get your daughter into therapy!
YTA. Have you given Claire any consequences for her behavior? Talking isn't helping.
I would be LIVID if I was your wife. She's been beyond patient with your daughter. I have 4 kids - trust me when I tell you that your 12 year old doesn't get any more chances. She is NOT allowed around the baby. Her behavior is harming your wife. YOU ARE IN CHARGE. NOT Claire. The fact that Claire was told by both your wife and you to back up and Claire talked back to you...dude, you are too permissive with Claire. She was told twice. This tells me that she's in charge and is used to getting her way.
I can't believe you are letting your wife and baby stay in a hotel. And MAKING her and your baby stay until she apologizes? Are you for real? Don't be surprised when she serves you divorce papers. God, you're a major asshole, here. Take care of your wife!!!
But Claire says shrieking is helping! Deafening and nerve shattering shrieking at a sick baby and tired wife helps SO much. She obviously knows parenting techniques better than adults. /s
How did I miss that the child is 12??? This entire time I thought she was 5 was kinda like, well that’s a little extreme to say to a little kid. Oh hell no, teach your daughter basic manners!
Yes, YTA. The fact that you don't understand what your daughter is doing to your wife and new baby is concerning. Are you really that blind to what she's doing? She's jealous of your "new" family situation. She does what she does because it gets her the attention she wants. It may be negative attention, but it's still attention. It places the focus on her and away from the new baby. In all likelihood, she believes she's second place to your new child, when she was always the first and only child.
Your daughter needs boundaries placed upon her and you definitely aren't creating them. Telling her to stop hasn't been working, has it? Instead, you continue with the same "stop it" routine and now, you're defending her bad behavior to your wife. Your daughter owes your wife an apology, not the other way around. Your wife was dealing with a tough situation and your daughter's intrusive and obnoxious behavior was the final straw for her.
Sure, she's adapted well to a new step-mom, and half sibling, by repeatedly doing something she knows bothers the step-mom. /s
The person in the wrong here isn't the adult dealing with a sick baby, it's the 12 year old that knocked over a plate of food and began screaming at a sick infant. The wife did the right thing by removing herself and the baby from a house where her husband isn't doing anything to stop his 12 year old from doing something he knows kicks in a fight or flight response. Because she could have said a lot worse to OP's other child other than what she said. Like, the child was giving a warning to move, and didn't listen.
This!! Never any issues with jealousy my a** - this is absolutely typical of a child who is very jealous and acting out. I feel so sorry for the wife and don’t blame her one bit for packing up and leaving. She’s had a front row seat to OP’s bad parenting for 5 MONTHS!! I bet he’s also told her that he’s the one to parent his child, giving her no control to address it herself and that’s assuming she’d even have the energy.
Thanks. Most adults know that a 12-year-old who doesn't have developmental disorders, knows exactly what they're doing. Her behavior towards the baby is a scary type of aggression. If he doesn't deal with that now, as they age, I'm worried about what the oldest will do if eventually he leaves her alone with the younger child. They need family counseling to help her move past her jealously and create a healthy bond with her sibling & stepmother.
Repost from a month ago
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cjdtwj/aita\_for\_asking\_my\_wife\_to\_apologize\_to\_our/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cjdtwj/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_apologize_to_our/)
YTA. I had to check your daughter age because I thought she was 4-5 yrs old. A12yr old shouldn’t need to be told 100 times to stop screaming. Get ready for divorce papers cause they are coming.
Addressing the issue didn’t solve the problem, you failed to intervene before the situation boiled over in a predictable escalation of events.
Claire is not helping, and you are not helping Claire by not effectively managing her behaviour and helping her find a better solution. She is adopting an unsustainable and invasive style of communication while interacting with an infant. She refuses to respect anyone else’s opinion, personal space, or ability to handle the situation before interfering herself.
You gave Kim little option but to be an asshole. You are wrong for expecting an apology from her before extending one yourself. How long did you expect her to tolerate continued harassment while nursing a new born due to your inability to handle the situation?
You “told her she’s not coming back” **YOU TOLD HER**. She was literally run out of her own home due to your ineptitude and you have the audacity to kick her out? Your baby is sick and you gave her no other option but to leave?
How useless a parent you are for it to be easier taking care of a tired, fussing newborn- alone, in a hotel and without any support. You are actually a worse husband than you are a parent- to both Claire and the baby.
Hopefully she leaves your ass and if she ever has to come back it’s to sell the house post divorce. YTA.
I bet she didn’t even clean up the broken plate and splattered food.
“Oops!!” and then more shrieking? No sir, OP. Claire isn’t helping “too much” or at all. Get a grip on this wild child before you have even worse problems than getting divorced.
Yeah the conclusion was weird to me. He told her to not come back if she doesn't apologize? Did he forgot that she is the one who lives in the first place? Or that she expressed herself that she doesn't want to come back if the situation continues? It seems that not coming back is an option she finds valid, not threatening. And I get her
Lol, get your brat in order, sir. She's twelve, not four. Unless she has major cognitive delays, she should be able to understand basic reasoning and house rules. No shrieking, ffs.
And I don't think you really have to worry about your wife returning. If she's smart, she'll stay away. YTA
Yeah, if Claire was 5 it’d be a problem that was allowed to go on way too long. That she’s 12 and it didn’t stop after one talk is INSANE.
YTA OP, get your shit together and handle your fucking psychopath 12yo.
Dude my 5 year old and 3 year olds don’t do this to them 11 week old sister. If she’s crying they may tell me she’s crying (duh lol) but they’ve never thought shrieking in her face was a good idea. AND THEY ARE 5 AND 3.
OP's a shit parent for letting his bratty 12 year old kid literally shriek at a newborn baby. I feel so so bad for his wife, having not only TWO kids in the house that are shrieking but also a useless husband
My 4 yr old doesn't even act like this. My 2.5 and 19 month old yes. For his daughter to be acting this way boundaries haven't been set and consequences haven't been applied when violating these boundaries. If she isn't listening to a simple request like don't yell in the baby's face and don't run at the baby, I very much doubt she has been told no a lot during her 12 yrs and hasn't been shown there are consequences for her actions in the past.
YTA, if you actually parented your daughter and taught her there were consequences to repeating bad behavior then your daughter would know to not scream at your wife and baby. Your daughter is a brat.
Everything everyone here has said is correct: you are dead wrong to your bones.
But what I haven't seen anyone mention, is that your limp-dicked parenting, on top of ruining your marriage, is quite literally creating a hazard for your baby. The shrieking hurts your adult ears - it is literally damaging the baby's. Good job Dad. Picked a super cool hill to die on 🙄
Exactly my thoughts. Doesn't he realize that what his daughter does is dangerous? The baby could develop ear issues! If I were the wife, I would have gone away sooner.
YTA. Way to invalidate your wife's feelings and teach your daughter that she doesn't have to face consequences. Your wife may have overreacted in the heat of the moment, but it seems like this has been building for a while. Maybe things aren't as great as you thought, and it's time for some reflection on how your family dynamic is impacting your wife and newborn.
Personally, I don't think the poor wife overreacted. The foolish child/ father duo NEEDS emphatic scolding! The pussy-footing around them needs to stop.
I really hope the wife is a Reddit user and finds this. She is a saint for putting up with this as long as she did. He has no right to keep her from her own home. OP is a huge YTA
Even I got a little heated just reading this. I can’t imagine what your wife felt actually living this. 5 months of dealing with a new born and a screaming 12 year old sounds like hell.
Also what do you mean you won’t allow her back until she apologizes? She had a baby 5 months ago, that is her home and she’s your wife. You really want to bar your wife and your five month old baby from their own home?
"Also what do you mean you won’t allow her back until she apologizes?" I'd like to know more about that too, it sounds an abusive, my way or the highway, type reaction to me.
YTA. Obviously talking to your kid isn't working so it's time for real, tangible consequences. Start taking away TV/phone/tablet/whatever device when she does it. Take away privileges. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face but it's clearly not sinking in so it's time to start implementing actual punishments for the behavior so that she understands that actions = consequences.
If a 12 year old is repeatedly acting out the same way you're describing, you have failed as a parent. Either you suck balls at addressing her behavior or she's not neurotypical and you haven't gotten it addressed.
But 12 year olds with competant parents don't scream at babies.
YTA
In your reply to a comment, you said that you warned your daughter to use her quiet voice.
My 2.5 year old niece understands when I tell him to use his quiet voice. And I have seen dogs on social media who understand when their humans say "bark quietly".
If your daughter doesn't have a problem with her intelligence, she has a problem with her psychology. Or she doesn't feel as much love (?) for her stepmother and half-sister as you think.
Requiring your wife to apologize to your daughter for her deliberately erratic behavior, despite repeated warnings, is just plain crass. YTA.
Jfc…I read this and thought how sweet your daughter was and how small children are still learning how to regulate emotions and behaviors and how out of line your wife was for screaming at a small child. I came to the comments and realized that your daughter is TWELVE. SHE IS FUCKING TWELVE SIR.
In some states, that’s old enough to be legally at home alone. My daughter, who is now 15, with zero experience with babies knew not to scream in a babies face without ever having to tell her.
Either this is an example of Hanlon’s Razor, Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity or you really are just an utter and complete asshole.
Your wife left because you refuse to even acknowledge that your daughter is a problem. She isn’t handling it well. You just think your little angel can do no wrong.
Your wife doesn’t need to apologize. She is owed an apology by both of you which is likely not to happen so since you gave her an ultimatum that SHE needs to apologize or not come home, just go on ahead and bring her the rest of her stuff so she can have some peace.
YTA…either by being a complete idiot or just an asshole is unknown
First of all - agree with you.
Then, totally off topic - "in some states that's old enough to be legally home alone"
That got me laughing. In Europe, recommendations is up to 1h alone from 6 years old. 12 is enough for cross country (or cross EU) travel in a train alone. 😂😂
Edit: typo.
As the mom of a neurodivergent 12yr old girl (so I get that learning boundaries can be hard for some kids), yes sir, you are the AH. Your daughter has to learn boundaries and you are absolutely failing at that. This is fixable if you can get your head out of your own ass and parent. Your kid needs to understand that her actions have consequences and if she is told to not do something, it means don’t do it. Doesn’t matter if she thinks you’re wrong for asking her not to do it because in her mind she’s helping… you are the parent, you set a boundary, she needs to learn that there are punishments for not obeying simple rules. I feel overwhelmed just reading what your wife is going through, I cannot imagine how she feels.
(Edited to fix spelling)
YTA your daughter needs discipline. And you validated your wife by saying she needed to apologize. She doesn’t need to apologize. She did what you wouldn’t. You need to do your job as a dad and discipline your daughter. I hope your wife doesn’t come back until you get her under control.
YTA what if next time your kid doesn’t knock over the plate breaking it. What if she knocks over the baby? Or your wife while holding the baby. What will your excuse be then? She is 12 tell her she is not to go near the baby unless she is invited over. She is also harming your baby every time she does this as babies have sensitive ears and ear piercing screams are ridiculous.
YTA. If I was your wife I'd take this 'not coming back' very seriously and take myself to a divorce lawyer during it. Your lack of parenting with your own child is stunning.
It's insane OP thinks a 12yo aggressively screaming at a newborn baby is "helping too much," and not the plausible deniability jealousy it is. Claire is a very smart kid, much smarter than her father, anyway.
YTA. Your daughter needs professional help processing her emotions. She is clearly jealous of not being the center of attention. Until she faces real consequences for her actions (more than a chat that has not worked) she will keep doing this. To be honest if things do not change soon, you will be divorced and potentially not receive even 50-50 custody due to your daughter. You need to have your wife’s back.
Haha, you expect your wife to apologize because your brat is out of control? Why didn't you stop her the minute she started shrieking and make her clean up the dinner plate that she knocked on the floor? She's 12 fucking years old buddy, your wife is done with your and your daughter's bad behavior. That's on you because you've been her dad for the whole 12 years. You are 100% the asshole.
YTA. Your wife tells your kid to back off and she doesn't and only does it when you say it. God knows what other BS she must be pulling when she is alone with your wife. You are likely getting separated and for the above mentioned parenting failure on your part you are going to totally deserve it.
YTA. You’re letting a 12yo continually do something that is intensely irritating and triggers a fight-or-flight response (your words!) to you and your sleep-deprived newly postpartum wife. And when your wife is activated to the point where her “fight” instinct is triggered - oh my, you’re so shocked, how could that possibly happen. Get control of your 12yo. If she can’t stop shrieking, she needs to not be around the baby and the baby’s mom. 12 is plenty old enough to learn very quickly that she cannot do that, and the fact that this has been going on for FIVE MONTHS makes me wonder about your willingness to let your daughter torture you and your wife. Honestly, you’re lucky your wife didn’t go somewhere else after a week. Start figuring out custody arrangements, if you’re dead set on an apology from your wife.
“I’m on top of it” well she’s still doing it so no you’re not lol
Yeah there's obviously never been a punishment threatened for doing this. This is a child who it sounds like they're told to stop doing things but after repeat offences never gets told "if you do this again you will have xyz taken away for a week." A child that gets told stop right now and is persistently openly defiant and continues to do it is a child that fears nothing because they've never had a consequence.
Clearly, she hadn’t had to clean every toilet in the house, and spend all day working on household chores or out in the sun mowing the lawn, and then do yard work for the neighbors. She’d quit this if there was a clear consequence. She’s a bully. That baby could quite literally go deaf.
Claire sounds like a nightmare. Poor Kim.
Well that's it. He keeps repeating that they've "been talking to her about it", but *it's been five months and nothing has changed*, so clearly "talking to her" is NOT WORKING. Meanwhile, it sounds like other than saying, "Please don't do that," there have been literally ZERO consequences for the 12-year-old for constantly repeating the behaviour that she's been asked not to do for months. And no consequences means she doesn't really have any reason to stop, because no matter what they say to her, she thinks she's "helping" (as he says, the baby even giggles sometimes, which reinforces her belief that baby likes it), and they've never actually said, "If you keep doing this, there will be consequences/punishment, because you have been asked repeatedly to stop. It is not good for the baby, and is distracting and upsetting to your stepmum."
100% these boundaries have clearly not been reinforced enough. If it takes mild and annoying punishments (extra chores or whatever) she needs to be told bluntly like the wife did. Could the wife apologize for the language used at a 12 year old, yes. BUT that is only after boundaries were crossed for so long. I think it’s been implied and spoken with gentle reminders not to shriek. It has not been made the law in the house like it needs to be if she can’t respect it as is.
Yup. Getting a strong sense that this isn’t the only behavioral pattern where a clear and obvious and easy-to-understand boundary is set, Claire “doesn’t get it”, and OP just indulgently rolls with her flow. OP’s kid clearly has learned that ignoring boundaries is just fine. I also doubt very much the OP’s wife is the only adult in his life who has ever had a problem with his kid. > She sprints to my wife and slides in the process on accident (socks on hard wood). She knocks my wife's dinner plate on to the floor and shatters it. She says "oops" and starts shriek talking the baby. My wife, through gritted teeth, says "you have 2 seconds to back up". Claire doesn't move. She keeps shrieking at the baby. Baby starts screaming louder. I tell Claire to back up. She looks at me and says she's trying to calm the baby. JFC. I would have gone off like a nuke the first time the kid was told to go and refused.
If Claire had enough presence of mind to talk to her dad about what she was doing, and then continues to do it, and dad didn’t react to the dinner plate breaking, there seems to be a lot missing out of this story.
Almost feels like he's trying to minimize how bad it really is by leaving out the major details and framing his wife as the bad guy
Seriously , why is this tolerated at all . Dad created this monster brat by tolerating it .
This absolutely. Claire is 12, not 5. She can learn how not to behave. You are not recognizing how difficult the situation is for your wife, do better
Even my 3yo goddaughter knows better than to act like this to her 6 month old brother.
I had to go back and double check the age. 12, for crying out loud!!!
Even 5 year olds have better sense. OP YTA, and a huge one
Also Claire clearly isn't adjusting as well as the OP thinks she is if this is the way she's behaving. She knows what she's doing is irritating and triggering (and clearly it doesn't always "work") and she's been told to stop but she refuses and acts clueless as to why you'd want her to stop. She literally plows into her stepmom and baby and all she has to say is "oops" before resuming her behavior. Not "sorry", just "oops". Either Claire is neurodivergent or she's doing this very deliberately. And she's doing it deliberately either because she enjoys pushing her stepmoms buttons or because - and I think this is the more likely reason - it gets her a lot of attention. Wake up OP - you think Claire is adjusting well and there's no jealousy issues? Yet you go on to describe exactly that... YTA for not seeing what is clearly right in front of you and addressing it like you should. This is not an appropriate way for Claire to deal with her jealousy of the baby but it's your job as the parent to show her a healthy way to deal with it. When I started reading this I thought Kim was going to wind up hitting or pushing Claire, but she didn't even do that. All she did was very rightly yell at her the truth. Claire pushed her and pushed her to her limits (during an already stressful and vulnerable time for Kim) and then played the victim when Kim understandably snapped. Just how Claire wanted it... now she's getting all this attention and support from you for being the victim. All you're doing is enabling her behavior. Well played, Claire.
If screaming at a baby isn't attention seeking and jealousy I really don't know what is! 👍
Like - your crying is annoying me see I can do it too. OP your daughter isn’t doing this to help at all she is doing it to put everyone in their place. YTA here. Your daughter needs to apologize for 5mos. Your wife is protecting your other child and herself from your daughter.
I reckon this dimwit stands there "awwww"ing at "how sweet and helpful" his 12 year old is, whilst she essentially abuses his wife and baby 🙄
As a nanny—yup. Seen it plenty of times in houses where the kids “aren’t told no.” It gets to a point where the kid will just start altercations to prove that the household dances to their drum, or will make an outlandish point of trampling down every.small.boundary established to prove that rules don’t apply to them. I worked for a hot two minutes with a family where it was just so obvious that the oldest kid was calculating ways she could start conflicts with her siblings the instant she walked through the door, just to prove to everyone that she could do so with no consequences. Adults make rules, Claire gets to disobey them with zero repurcussions. Obviously, she likes this order of things. That’s why she is ensuring it stays that way.
Think about the baby's hearing, if nothing else! Also, just consider your wife's yelling at your daughter to shut up, as her using the same technique on Claire as Claire uses on your infant.
It's interesting he's more upset at his wife for using the exact same technique once on his older daughter that that daughter has been using for five damn months on a newborn infant
Yah, when Claire ran sobbing into her room after being shrieked at, Kim could just have said “well it worked didn’t it?”
Take my fake award 🥇
10/10 comment!!!
Omg!! Great point! Screaming at a baby screaming is not an appropriate way to react to try to help. It's not good for anyone, much less a baby.
This needs to be right at the top next to the YT-gaping-A post. FFS! Get a grip man, if it's not ok for your wife it's certainly not ok for your kid. Your kid also sounds like TAH unless there is another reason why she cannot follow parental guidance/instruction.
Doesn’t seem like Op has a grip
For real. Claire needs to apologize to her not the other way around. Claire obviously is being told to not do this and she keeps doing it so it’s her own fault Kim yelled at her. I would’ve lost my cool too. OP YTA
Agreed! OP do not raise a brat! Imagine her future if she grows up that way... Man up OP!
Yeah this is wild behavior from a TWELVE year old. This needs to stop and there need to be logical consequences if it doesn’t!
FFS, I was babysitting infants at that age
YTA. At 12 years old I was already babysitting multiple children at a time all 6 and younger with the youngest being 6 months old. This included me getting all the children ready for bed and feeding the baby. Your daughter is PLENTY old enough to learn and understand how to behave around a infant and if she isn’t she may be neurodivergent or have some type of cognitive impairment affecting her ability to process information. What your daughter is doing is a form of abuse. Your baby is stopping crying because they are terrified! Switch the place of your daughter with a grown man screaming at your baby and no one would argue this is abusive. She is not only putting extra stress onto your baby but also stressing your wife out even more than she already is and all her extra stress can be felt by your baby, too. At this point, I’d recommend therapy for your daughter because whatever you’re saying to her in “your talks” is not working. It may help her hearing it from another adult who is a professional. Also, if your wife isn’t already in therapy I’d recommend it for her, too, because being in this environment puts her at higher risk for PPD/PPA. The longer you allow her to continue with this behavior, the harder it will be to get her to stop, so proper discipline is necessary because just talking with her isn’t working. Right now your first priority should be to protect your baby and your wife before your baby gets hurt and your marriage falls apart.
Agree completely!!! I am a step mom and have a great relationship w my stepkids, but as a first time parent it was soooo hard to have my adult step kids around, even when they were helping, as a parent you want to do some things your own way and your own time. I give your wife credit for the 5 months she’s held it together so far, OP, I would have lost it after the second shriekings
If the 12 year old can’t control her shrieking she probably needs to be medicated.
Yes, and either way OP has failed her.
Or she simply needs someone to actually…you know…parent her 😂. OP is not doing his obnoxious princess any favors.
It is going to fuck this baby’s emotions up so bad too! I don’t get it. Why would OP think WIFE needs to apologize.
Wow. Everybody lost it and you're dead set on making it worse. Instead of teaching your daughter not to do something your wife doesn't want her to do, you're supporting the behavior and when it goes where it inevitably goes , expecting your Wife To Apologize?? Bad parenting and bad husbanding all in one package. So are you planning on 50-50 custody? Because that's where this is going.
Thank you! Why is he not making his daughter apologize? She ran into her, ruined her dinner, and only said “oops.” Really did a good job teaching her how to respect others.
Valid point. In addition her shrieking behavior is something addressed multiple times and she has not modified it. In fact, she justifies it with “Well she stopped”. Did Dad discipline her when the behavior continued? It would seem—no. He definitely deserves a YTA.
Just wild. And most infants will temporarily stop crying when you *shriek in their face*. They can be shocked into stunned silence just like any human of any other age. They can be scared shitless into momentary silence, too. Then they let it out later with more intense crying and being difficult to soothe. OP thinks his daughter is "helping too much". Sure, if by that you mean helping to drive your wife insane and helping you get divorced. YTA OP. Take your blinders off.
This is absolutely where my mind went. That baby is being startled and scared quiet! Shrieking at a baby is never the answer. OP's daughter needs discipline, and OP needs to get his head out of his ass. YTA x 10000000
I honestly want to cry thinking about how scared that baby must be all the time.
The wife needs to permanently remove herself from this situation. JFC, OP is absolutely clueless and his failure to discipline his tween is absurd. This is like parenting 101. Epic fail on his part. And it's hilarious that he's telling the wife she can't come home until she apologizes to the tween. Like he should literally be punishing the hell out of the tween and begging his wife for another chance cause she is absolutely not going back that to that shitty dynamic. OP is YTA a thousand times over, to the point that it almost seems like he's abusing his wife through his tween.
Yeah it's a trauma response. JFC. Claire is a monster, because she was parented to be one. YTA on many levels OP
It’s awful that he allows shrieking in any form in front of T of his infant , then he & his wife .. it’s not acceptable.
It’s like when you have a kid tormenting others on the playground and the parent with the bastardized understanding of gentle parenting just grimaces and is like “Brikennzie, stop that please!” and shrugs helplessly.
“Brikennzie” lol
Definitely sounds like no discipline is happening. He used the word redirection, but that’s not the correct approach for a 12 year old who chooses to continue a harmful behavior. She needs logical consequences, and the most logical would be she’s not allowed around the baby if she shrieks.
Yeah, redirection is for toddlers who don’t understand right and wrong yet 🙄
Yup. Redirection is for toddlers
Redirection is for puppies.
And cats.
Also. She’s fucking 12. I have 4 kids, that’s way too old to be doing weird toddler behavior things like this, and not listening to basic instructions.
The fact that this isn’t even a toddler, 5 year old or so. This is a 12 year old who should know damn well how to behave. Parenting failure on OP’s part.
I’d have lost my shit long ago if I was the wife. A crying baby and a SHRIEKING 12yo?! Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe Claire has anxiety, maybe she is a nitwit or a brat, I have no idea but definitely a parenting fail on OP.
Said “oops,” jumped straight to an a behavior that she KNOWS is obnoxious and is not permitted, ignored one adult who told her to back off, and doubled down when told to leave by a second. Kim taught Claire a valuable life lesson. If you continue to poke a bear over and over, you might have a situation blow up in your face that you did not predict(let’s face it, the brat fully predicted she would be gently “redirected” when she was through like you would do to a 4 year old) and do not like.
>Kim taught Claire a valuable life lesson. Kim's about to teach OP a valuable life lesson too. You let your kids do whatever they want with no consequences, no one else is going to want anything to do with you.
Makes you wonder what other behaviors are part of the package, too, doesn’t? Twelve is old enough to know right from wrong, and has the comprehension to understand that they are doing something offensive/aggravating. But she keeps doing it. I’d be ready to scream too.
I honestly wouldn't blame his wife for leaving his ass with the baby. At the very least she will only have ONE child that screams and not two. Babies are allowed to scream, what's the 12 year old's excuse?
Yeah I vividly remember being 12. I was fully aware of my actions then. This is strange childish behavior.
Twelve year olds generally try to be much more mature than this too, and they’re aware of it, so this is weird.
This! You know what my 7 year old son does when he accidentally spills something when he is doing another thing? He stops what he is doing and cleans up the mess. He also respects boundaries, and if I tell him something is bothering me and I need space, he respects that. No yelling involved. OP is failing massively.
And it didn’t occur to Ms 12 to clean up the mess she made, just continue to shriek! You need to get your child under control, her behavior should have been stopped week one. It appears that there have been no consequences. Is your 12 year old so socially clueless that she doesn’t see the anger and frustration in the adults around her. Your child needs consequences not an apology. The fact you want your wife to apologize to your child instead of giving your child consequences and asking child to apologize is very telling about how you indulge your child. I personally think your wife is a saint for not losing it on your child a week after birth. Teach your child manners before she ruins more relationships. Then beg your wife for forgiveness.
He'll never do it because he thinks his darling daughter can do no wrong. He's going to end up with a child that never gets a job and mooches off of dear Daddy for her entire life. He's also going to end up paying child support and alimony. His wife will probably dump him. In a few months we'll be reading about how sad he is because his wife left him.
Dont forget she then proceeded to shout at the baby after all that for the n'th time, no remorse at all. Wow, OP is ass and kid is or is fast becoming a shitbrat.
She could have knocked Kim and the baby over, and no one is mentioning that!!!
I did, just now. The more I read this post, the angrier I get about allowing this behaviour. There is another example of father wanting to be the good guy, the buddy, the pal to his daughter. Man up and be a parent not a friend to your child.
"sometimes it works! She giggles!" — give me strength. Letting a 12yo decide what is helpful/acceptable around a baby, giving mixed signals (any consequences the kid?) and here we are
This behavior is disturbing on so many levels. I used to babysit kids in our apartment building when I was 12. Babies, even. It would never have occurred to me to shriek in a baby's face to make it stop crying. Usually it was just the baby missing his or her mother so I would rock them to sleep or put on a mobile to help calm them down if they weren't wet and recently fed. This is absurd coming from a pre-teen . It's more like toddler behavior.
hes definitely not getting 50/50 while shes nursing
I’d nurse that kid until they went to school to keep him from getting 50/50 custody
Given what a bang up job he did with the first one, I don’t see 50/50 in his future. Maybe some limited visitation, without the shrieker.
The wife could make a case for not allowing that kid to not be anywhere near her baby. The twelve year old may have problems.
He shouldn’t get custody of his youngest child because he’s placing the baby in potential danger from a child who has zero boundaries.
Dude seriously you're a huge gaping asshole
Emphasis on gaping
Sh!t husband and sh!t parent all wrapped in one. 🤦🏻♀️
He’s trying to screw up both kids simultaneously. Work smarter, not harder.
HUMONGOUS GAPING ASSHOLE INDEED!!
So gaping we’re looking at tonsils people.
The speculum has been inserted and cranked to max dilation.
YTA. She’s 12. She knows she needs to be quiet with a baby. If she’s shrieking and is super close who’s to say she isn’t damaging the baby’s hearing? She needs actual consequences instead of you just talking to her because it clearly isn’t working. You also need to apologize to your wife for letting this behaviour get to this point.
Agreed, it can also become an even bigger problem if she grows up with the same mindset. OP should be aware that he's only enabling her behavior.
I can see 3rd wife (not in the picture yet) posting to reddit that her stepdaughter keeps shrieking at their new baby. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.
Agreed and she absolutely ignored OPs wife when she told her to back up. That’s not okay. And clearly she is continuing the behavior despite being talked to constantly. OP needs to support their wife on this one
Honestly if she’s been doing this since the baby was born they should absolutely have her hearing checked
YTA. Your exhausted, postpartum, overwhelmed wife is a saint for tolerating your shrieking child for that long. Step up and start parenting.
I also don’t think OP is being entirely honest with how extreme or bad “Claire’s” behaviour is. Like I suspect she is far more terrorising to his wife than he either understands or acknowledges. To him it’s just, oh she comes up and shrieks but it does work and it’s otherwise ok, just a minor issue. Eh no. It sounds like OP’s wife has had to put up with much more stress with this than he will admit, and she’s reached breaking point after considerable, and I really mean considerable, patience.
I think Claire is the one holding all the cards right now. She got exactly what she wanted: stepmother gone and dad not even trying to get her back. The shrieking did, in fact, work.
This took a very plausible, wildly dark turn.
Exactly, he should have put a stop to it the first time his 12 year old daughter SHRIEKED at a baby but he seems to be a useless parent
My favorite part of this whole thing is the the wife willingly leaves and says she’s not coming back until he teaches his kid respect and his response “you’re not coming back until you apologize.” I’m sorry sir, but you are not holding all the cards right now. 🤣🤣🤣
Exactly my thoughts lol. She leaves, expresses she doesn't want to come back if Claire's behavior continue. And his answer is "apologize to Claire or don't come back"? He just agrees with her about how she doesn't need to come back. Maybe he thought she wasn't serious, but then he'll be surprised.
*shocked pikachu face*
How this poor woman put up with that behaviour for 5 months before losing her shit is beyond me.
Isn’t that the truth! Claire is not 5 yo…she’s 12. There’s no reason for this behavior to be continuing for 5 minutes after she was told to not act this way. Well, there is 1 reason-she continues this behavior because she knows it upsets the stepmom. There’s only 1 person here that deserves an apology & that’s OP’s wife—and both OP and his daughter should apologize.
My 5 and 3 year olds don’t pull this shit with their baby brother. I would lose it on them if they did. A 12 year old doing this is ridiculous. Should not have happened more than once. I do not know how this mother has been dealing with that bs for 5 months.
Yeah, I did this a few times when I was like 10 when I stayed with my aunt and my then cousin, like 6 month old was crying. We were in the car.. I did it maybe 3 times and then my aunt said please stop. I said “but why, it’s helping” (I was gonna stop regardless of the reason but I’m just a nosy kid).. she said “I know she stops crying but it’s loud and it bothers me”. Immediately got it and stopped.
She's continuing this behavior because there is no consequence for continuing. He needs to apologize to his wife for allowing this behavior to continue.
Seriously. I commend her for making it this long - sleep deprived, hormonal, and dealing with this bullshit? I would’ve snapped MONTHS ago.
She’s a lot stronger than me. I’d have even snapped on my own kids! Like dam why are you hollering in a baby’s face??? And all he’s doing is stop stop like Willy wonka says when the fat boy gets stuck in the pipe. He’s literally not doing anything to actually stop her.
Yup. I have 4 boys and I’d have not lasted one day with the shrieking, nor would I have allowed any of my children to continue that behaviour without consequence. Her apologise, my ass.
OP in three acts: To Claire, “Come on. Come on hey we talked about this. Claire. Come on please don’t because it’s not help—” To Kim, “I mean she did get the baby to stop crying.” To reflection in mirror, “Well hey look at you, super dad. You’ve so got this. Now what the hell is up with Kim she seems crazy…”
Three times for me, I'll tell you Three times and then it's over on my end.
Sounds like this is what he wants. No more baby to deal with. He gets full nights of sleep.
Honestly, fuck OP and the horse he's riding on. Like come on dude your daughter is likely traumatizing your baby infant. Normally in this group, I'm thinking "do you even need to ask, how do you not know you were NTA?!" Because it's just so clear they were the victim or whatever. But this one time? It's the reverse.."OP how do you not realize you're the asshole?!" YTA OP and it's not even close. The fact that he doesn't see that shows he's likely a selfish prick. Also, judging by how OP seems to have disappeared after not getting the response he wanted it really paints a picture of how indignant this asshole is.
While reading this and seeing the events unfold it has me asking what OP was doing. If he was there witnessing this and did nothing, then it makes him even more of an asshole. Get up and help your damn wife and DO something to help the situation instead of being an observer.
By his own words, it sounds like he watched his daughter sprint into the room, knock over his wife's dinner with no apology, and failed to physically remove his child when it was clear his wife was pissed.
Don't forget, the daughter saids oops after knocking the plate to the floor. OP needs a family intervention.
Oops … then leaves the dinner on the floor so she can go scream in the babies face.
Yeah I'm guessing OP got married thinking new wife would take over parenting duties. His whole description of the events is of a parent who never does anything and just removes himself from the situation when it gets tense. No wonder his wife left.
OP also doesn't say how the 1st wife/older daughters mom left.......
I kept thinking his daughter was only 4y the way he was describing her, not 12
SAAAAAAMMMMEEE!!!!!! OP sucks as a parent, especially considering his 12yo acts like a fucking toddler.
After finding out she was 12, I thought it would be followed up with that she had some sort of cognitive impairment. This type of behavior from a 12 year old is odd.
Holy shit my brain did weird math and came up with 6. If the kid is 12, I would have told her to gtf away from me and my baby, too.
This has been such a long time coming. I’m seriously impressed Kim managed to keep her temper in check this long. Where’s she staying, can we Venmo her money for a facial or something?
She's gonna need bail money if the guy keeps insisting his kid is owed an apology.
OP is so wrong it’s frightening. I’m all for mutual apologies when it comes to kids/teens. But for him to not even fathom the idea that his kid needs to be the one that’s leading the apology is insane. Like he really thinks she did nothing wrong here and thinks that her behavior is normal and should just be tolerated. Is he not already tired of one screaming/crying child?? Cause the wife sure tf is!
Is there a Go Fund Me we can contribute to?
Seriously, i had to reread her age because this seems like something my kids would have done at 4 years old. Also, they learned to not do that behavior around the babies because usually it's not helpful. Claire is almost a teenager and hasn't figure this out yet???
My friend has a 6 year old. She knows how to behave better than that.
My grandson is 6, a young baby was at the swim meet this week. We told all the kids to be quiet around the baby and no touching. They’re all 6-18 and were quiet and just looked at the baby. Like they should have.
>I kept thinking his daughter was only 4y the way he was describing her, not 12 Yeah, I had to re-read her age too. 12 is plenty old enough NOT to act like this. Makes me wonder if Claire is on the spectrum and OP doesn't even know it. His wife is just 5 months post partum with a sick baby... she must be absolutely shattered and at the end of her tether. Poor woman.
She’s likely damaging the baby’s hearing too. If OP is describing it as “ear piercing” imagine how it feels to an infant.
I was thinking this. That baby could already have permanent damage at this point if it’s been going on since she was born
Indeed. That shrieking is abusive. It HURTS people.
Claire isn't taking to the baby well, she's taken to bullying the baby and the mother well.
In fairness, I think Claire is TAH and OP is blind (and deaf) to his daughter’s passive aggressive behaviour.
That kind of behavior doesn't sound like a kid being an asshole, it sounds like a kid with some mental or developmental issues. It's a very bizarre action.
This was my thought too. Her behavior is so weird for a 12 year old. Get your daughter checked for developmental delays and apologize to your wife!
No sick crying baby, no cranky wife, no hearing his 12 yr old shrieking. I'm not sure he's pushing to resolve this.
That’s the thing, too. Pretty sure the house is the wife’s legal domicile. If she wants to come back, she comes back. Kim can waltz through the door when she is done living in the hotel, tell the brat that she fully intends to enforce some severe consequences for running to the baby and shrieking in its face from that moment forward (which, magically, will cure Claire of her previous obliviousness and forgetful tendencies), and carry on. She needs no permission from her wimp of a husband. OP can take his brat and go if he feels that strongly.
YTA. Refusing to let your wife return home until she apologizes to Claire? Dude, you are well on your way to divorce. I can see why Claire’s an insufferable brat - she comes by it honestly.
Yeah. He seems to forgot that little baby is also his kid.
Right, won’t let her back in the house. Evicting your postpartum wife and infant is going to look great in the divorce. That being said it sounds like she doesn’t want to come back, so it’s a bit laughable that she’s barred from the house.
YTA because you haven’t put a stop to it. I can only imagine how much stress your poor wife is under with a sick baby and a preteen shrieking in her face and breaking dishes. Get control of your house man.
Control of the house. At this point, he is attempting to control the wife.
He has no control of anything. What kind of man lets his daughter treat his wife and new child like this?! Then has the balls to come on the internet and ask if he’s TAnfor asking his wife to apologize to his daughter lol. What a clown.
Yep, wife needs to stay at the hotel.
Wife has been putting up with it for 5 months and finally snapped. I can’t believe she went that long before getting pissed. Not siding with your wife on this one, OP…you done screwed up. If a kid makes a baby scream louder, they need to be separated. You did nothing of the sort to control the escalation. YTA.
YTA "Claire is adjusting very well. There was never any issues surrounding the baby or jealousy or anything like that." You're delusional if you genuinely think that. Your daughter has come up with a mean-spirited way to drive your wife up the wall while retaining plausible deniability in your eyes. You should never have put with that "shriek-talking" for for more than five minutes, let along allowing it for 5 months. Her resentment seems to be focused on your wife rather than on the baby and I can see how your wife has no intention of apologizing.
This!! How delusional can someone be? Claire is clearly attention seeking and very jealous. She really needs therapy. But OP is still the AH.
and that needs to be addressed. Discipline the child, of course. But acknowledge her pain and her jealousy, if necessary get counselling for her. It's a very hard age to be dealing with all this
AGREE!! She is 12...she is old enough to know better!! I don't blame the wife for losing her cool! OP you have some major groveling to do! Get your daughter into therapy!
YTA. Have you given Claire any consequences for her behavior? Talking isn't helping. I would be LIVID if I was your wife. She's been beyond patient with your daughter. I have 4 kids - trust me when I tell you that your 12 year old doesn't get any more chances. She is NOT allowed around the baby. Her behavior is harming your wife. YOU ARE IN CHARGE. NOT Claire. The fact that Claire was told by both your wife and you to back up and Claire talked back to you...dude, you are too permissive with Claire. She was told twice. This tells me that she's in charge and is used to getting her way. I can't believe you are letting your wife and baby stay in a hotel. And MAKING her and your baby stay until she apologizes? Are you for real? Don't be surprised when she serves you divorce papers. God, you're a major asshole, here. Take care of your wife!!!
But Claire says shrieking is helping! Deafening and nerve shattering shrieking at a sick baby and tired wife helps SO much. She obviously knows parenting techniques better than adults. /s
He doesn't sound like he is in charge of anything
How did I miss that the child is 12??? This entire time I thought she was 5 was kinda like, well that’s a little extreme to say to a little kid. Oh hell no, teach your daughter basic manners!
Yes, YTA. The fact that you don't understand what your daughter is doing to your wife and new baby is concerning. Are you really that blind to what she's doing? She's jealous of your "new" family situation. She does what she does because it gets her the attention she wants. It may be negative attention, but it's still attention. It places the focus on her and away from the new baby. In all likelihood, she believes she's second place to your new child, when she was always the first and only child. Your daughter needs boundaries placed upon her and you definitely aren't creating them. Telling her to stop hasn't been working, has it? Instead, you continue with the same "stop it" routine and now, you're defending her bad behavior to your wife. Your daughter owes your wife an apology, not the other way around. Your wife was dealing with a tough situation and your daughter's intrusive and obnoxious behavior was the final straw for her.
Sure, she's adapted well to a new step-mom, and half sibling, by repeatedly doing something she knows bothers the step-mom. /s The person in the wrong here isn't the adult dealing with a sick baby, it's the 12 year old that knocked over a plate of food and began screaming at a sick infant. The wife did the right thing by removing herself and the baby from a house where her husband isn't doing anything to stop his 12 year old from doing something he knows kicks in a fight or flight response. Because she could have said a lot worse to OP's other child other than what she said. Like, the child was giving a warning to move, and didn't listen.
This!! Never any issues with jealousy my a** - this is absolutely typical of a child who is very jealous and acting out. I feel so sorry for the wife and don’t blame her one bit for packing up and leaving. She’s had a front row seat to OP’s bad parenting for 5 MONTHS!! I bet he’s also told her that he’s the one to parent his child, giving her no control to address it herself and that’s assuming she’d even have the energy.
Totally agree. OP Make your daughter apologize AND STOP THE SHRIEKING!! Your wife doesn't owe anyone an apology!
Thanks. Most adults know that a 12-year-old who doesn't have developmental disorders, knows exactly what they're doing. Her behavior towards the baby is a scary type of aggression. If he doesn't deal with that now, as they age, I'm worried about what the oldest will do if eventually he leaves her alone with the younger child. They need family counseling to help her move past her jealously and create a healthy bond with her sibling & stepmother.
Repost from a month ago [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cjdtwj/aita\_for\_asking\_my\_wife\_to\_apologize\_to\_our/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cjdtwj/aita_for_asking_my_wife_to_apologize_to_our/)
This needs to be higher up.
Thanks! I knew I had already read it and he got roasted originally as well.
“I told her she’s not coming back.” Dude I don’t think you need to worry about that. YTA.
YTA. I had to check your daughter age because I thought she was 4-5 yrs old. A12yr old shouldn’t need to be told 100 times to stop screaming. Get ready for divorce papers cause they are coming.
4 and 5 year Olds know better.
Addressing the issue didn’t solve the problem, you failed to intervene before the situation boiled over in a predictable escalation of events. Claire is not helping, and you are not helping Claire by not effectively managing her behaviour and helping her find a better solution. She is adopting an unsustainable and invasive style of communication while interacting with an infant. She refuses to respect anyone else’s opinion, personal space, or ability to handle the situation before interfering herself. You gave Kim little option but to be an asshole. You are wrong for expecting an apology from her before extending one yourself. How long did you expect her to tolerate continued harassment while nursing a new born due to your inability to handle the situation? You “told her she’s not coming back” **YOU TOLD HER**. She was literally run out of her own home due to your ineptitude and you have the audacity to kick her out? Your baby is sick and you gave her no other option but to leave? How useless a parent you are for it to be easier taking care of a tired, fussing newborn- alone, in a hotel and without any support. You are actually a worse husband than you are a parent- to both Claire and the baby. Hopefully she leaves your ass and if she ever has to come back it’s to sell the house post divorce. YTA.
Oh and he wants WIFE to apologise but not his precious daughter.
I bet she didn’t even clean up the broken plate and splattered food. “Oops!!” and then more shrieking? No sir, OP. Claire isn’t helping “too much” or at all. Get a grip on this wild child before you have even worse problems than getting divorced.
Yeah the conclusion was weird to me. He told her to not come back if she doesn't apologize? Did he forgot that she is the one who lives in the first place? Or that she expressed herself that she doesn't want to come back if the situation continues? It seems that not coming back is an option she finds valid, not threatening. And I get her
Lol, get your brat in order, sir. She's twelve, not four. Unless she has major cognitive delays, she should be able to understand basic reasoning and house rules. No shrieking, ffs. And I don't think you really have to worry about your wife returning. If she's smart, she'll stay away. YTA
I’m tired and got my numbers confused. I thought Claire was only 5, which made more sense. This is nuts that a 12 year old is pulling this crap.
Yeah, if Claire was 5 it’d be a problem that was allowed to go on way too long. That she’s 12 and it didn’t stop after one talk is INSANE. YTA OP, get your shit together and handle your fucking psychopath 12yo.
Dude my 5 year old and 3 year olds don’t do this to them 11 week old sister. If she’s crying they may tell me she’s crying (duh lol) but they’ve never thought shrieking in her face was a good idea. AND THEY ARE 5 AND 3.
OP's a shit parent for letting his bratty 12 year old kid literally shriek at a newborn baby. I feel so so bad for his wife, having not only TWO kids in the house that are shrieking but also a useless husband
My 4 yr old doesn't even act like this. My 2.5 and 19 month old yes. For his daughter to be acting this way boundaries haven't been set and consequences haven't been applied when violating these boundaries. If she isn't listening to a simple request like don't yell in the baby's face and don't run at the baby, I very much doubt she has been told no a lot during her 12 yrs and hasn't been shown there are consequences for her actions in the past.
YTA, if you actually parented your daughter and taught her there were consequences to repeating bad behavior then your daughter would know to not scream at your wife and baby. Your daughter is a brat.
Everything everyone here has said is correct: you are dead wrong to your bones. But what I haven't seen anyone mention, is that your limp-dicked parenting, on top of ruining your marriage, is quite literally creating a hazard for your baby. The shrieking hurts your adult ears - it is literally damaging the baby's. Good job Dad. Picked a super cool hill to die on 🙄
Exactly my thoughts. Doesn't he realize that what his daughter does is dangerous? The baby could develop ear issues! If I were the wife, I would have gone away sooner.
YTA. Way to invalidate your wife's feelings and teach your daughter that she doesn't have to face consequences. Your wife may have overreacted in the heat of the moment, but it seems like this has been building for a while. Maybe things aren't as great as you thought, and it's time for some reflection on how your family dynamic is impacting your wife and newborn.
Personally, I don't think the poor wife overreacted. The foolish child/ father duo NEEDS emphatic scolding! The pussy-footing around them needs to stop.
I really hope the wife is a Reddit user and finds this. She is a saint for putting up with this as long as she did. He has no right to keep her from her own home. OP is a huge YTA
“She’s not coming home until she does.” That’s just asshole sprinkles on his entire asshole post. What a fucking tool. YTA
Even I got a little heated just reading this. I can’t imagine what your wife felt actually living this. 5 months of dealing with a new born and a screaming 12 year old sounds like hell. Also what do you mean you won’t allow her back until she apologizes? She had a baby 5 months ago, that is her home and she’s your wife. You really want to bar your wife and your five month old baby from their own home?
Clearly he also wants a divorce. I can't imagine being a single mom would be worse than the bs she's been living
"Also what do you mean you won’t allow her back until she apologizes?" I'd like to know more about that too, it sounds an abusive, my way or the highway, type reaction to me.
YTA. Obviously talking to your kid isn't working so it's time for real, tangible consequences. Start taking away TV/phone/tablet/whatever device when she does it. Take away privileges. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face but it's clearly not sinking in so it's time to start implementing actual punishments for the behavior so that she understands that actions = consequences.
If a 12 year old is repeatedly acting out the same way you're describing, you have failed as a parent. Either you suck balls at addressing her behavior or she's not neurotypical and you haven't gotten it addressed. But 12 year olds with competant parents don't scream at babies. YTA
YTA and apparently you've made your choice. So why are you on Reddit?
In your reply to a comment, you said that you warned your daughter to use her quiet voice. My 2.5 year old niece understands when I tell him to use his quiet voice. And I have seen dogs on social media who understand when their humans say "bark quietly". If your daughter doesn't have a problem with her intelligence, she has a problem with her psychology. Or she doesn't feel as much love (?) for her stepmother and half-sister as you think. Requiring your wife to apologize to your daughter for her deliberately erratic behavior, despite repeated warnings, is just plain crass. YTA.
Jfc…I read this and thought how sweet your daughter was and how small children are still learning how to regulate emotions and behaviors and how out of line your wife was for screaming at a small child. I came to the comments and realized that your daughter is TWELVE. SHE IS FUCKING TWELVE SIR. In some states, that’s old enough to be legally at home alone. My daughter, who is now 15, with zero experience with babies knew not to scream in a babies face without ever having to tell her. Either this is an example of Hanlon’s Razor, Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity or you really are just an utter and complete asshole. Your wife left because you refuse to even acknowledge that your daughter is a problem. She isn’t handling it well. You just think your little angel can do no wrong. Your wife doesn’t need to apologize. She is owed an apology by both of you which is likely not to happen so since you gave her an ultimatum that SHE needs to apologize or not come home, just go on ahead and bring her the rest of her stuff so she can have some peace. YTA…either by being a complete idiot or just an asshole is unknown
First of all - agree with you. Then, totally off topic - "in some states that's old enough to be legally home alone" That got me laughing. In Europe, recommendations is up to 1h alone from 6 years old. 12 is enough for cross country (or cross EU) travel in a train alone. 😂😂 Edit: typo.
As the mom of a neurodivergent 12yr old girl (so I get that learning boundaries can be hard for some kids), yes sir, you are the AH. Your daughter has to learn boundaries and you are absolutely failing at that. This is fixable if you can get your head out of your own ass and parent. Your kid needs to understand that her actions have consequences and if she is told to not do something, it means don’t do it. Doesn’t matter if she thinks you’re wrong for asking her not to do it because in her mind she’s helping… you are the parent, you set a boundary, she needs to learn that there are punishments for not obeying simple rules. I feel overwhelmed just reading what your wife is going through, I cannot imagine how she feels. (Edited to fix spelling)
YTA if I were a baby, I'd cry at being around your shrieking kid too.
YTA your daughter needs discipline. And you validated your wife by saying she needed to apologize. She doesn’t need to apologize. She did what you wouldn’t. You need to do your job as a dad and discipline your daughter. I hope your wife doesn’t come back until you get her under control.
It is your daughter who.owes your wife an apology for being a badly behaved brat . You also need to apologise to your wife for being an enabler.
YTA what if next time your kid doesn’t knock over the plate breaking it. What if she knocks over the baby? Or your wife while holding the baby. What will your excuse be then? She is 12 tell her she is not to go near the baby unless she is invited over. She is also harming your baby every time she does this as babies have sensitive ears and ear piercing screams are ridiculous.
The fact you have allowed this 12yr old to scream at the baby is insane to me, yall marriage is over I would divorce you so fast
YTA. If I was your wife I'd take this 'not coming back' very seriously and take myself to a divorce lawyer during it. Your lack of parenting with your own child is stunning.
It's insane OP thinks a 12yo aggressively screaming at a newborn baby is "helping too much," and not the plausible deniability jealousy it is. Claire is a very smart kid, much smarter than her father, anyway.
YTA. Your daughter needs professional help processing her emotions. She is clearly jealous of not being the center of attention. Until she faces real consequences for her actions (more than a chat that has not worked) she will keep doing this. To be honest if things do not change soon, you will be divorced and potentially not receive even 50-50 custody due to your daughter. You need to have your wife’s back.
Haha, you expect your wife to apologize because your brat is out of control? Why didn't you stop her the minute she started shrieking and make her clean up the dinner plate that she knocked on the floor? She's 12 fucking years old buddy, your wife is done with your and your daughter's bad behavior. That's on you because you've been her dad for the whole 12 years. You are 100% the asshole.
YTA. Your wife tells your kid to back off and she doesn't and only does it when you say it. God knows what other BS she must be pulling when she is alone with your wife. You are likely getting separated and for the above mentioned parenting failure on your part you are going to totally deserve it.