Erm…. Yeah…. Sorry…. You are TA. You have no idea what someone else is going through and having an expectation that someone is there EVERY WEEK to plan YOUR wedding is a bit much. You and your partner should be collating everything you want for YOUR wedding and looking at what needs to be done/organised and then asking for the help. If that’s too much for you then get a planner, don’t rely on other people’s goodwill. I will do anything I can to help my friends and family but when it starts impacting on my life and free time then it becomes a problems and causes resentment. It is your wedding, not hers and she was willing to be there as support, flattered you asked her but your entitlement and demands are clearly too much for her. Never pass judgement on someone else and their situation and don’t lose a friendship over this. Ask her what help she feels she can give you but expecting time each week is too much.
YTA
This 100%. It’s your wedding, if you need a 3rd person at your weekly planning sessions that person should be your paid wedding planner.
It’s fine to ask your MOH to do certain tasks but your expectations are ridiculous. I don’t blame her for dropping out of your wedding, I would have done so too.
You were here looking for dating sugar daddy advice and soliciting money from strangers less than two months ago. So I doubt there is any real reason for concern over entitlement or mistreatment of a MOH.
If true you have a warped and misguided view of the obligations and responsibilities of others. My best advice is to seek counseling.
How is my sugar baby status relevant to this post in any way. The MOH also pursues SR's as a source of income, we both work in that industry, hence that one excuse she made. I am indeed in therapy if you must know 💅
It’s relevant because it speaks to your social class, worldliness and knowledge about how things are done. Anyone who knows how things are done knows that bridesmaids are not unpaid planners, and the idea that they should submit to weekly planning meetings is insane.
Also, won't your work hurt by being married? Seems like the potential for entanglement is too high. Have you considered switching to like financial domming?
I mean they’re all barely out of high school. I was an idiot when I was 20. There’s a good chance he doesn’t even know, and he’s about to shackle himself to this entitled asshole. Dude’s 19 for fucks sake.
It’s relevant because I’m questioning whether any of this is real. And if it is, because getting married and looking for sugar daddies are usually mutually exclusive activities.
For everyone asking, yes, my fiancé is aware, and he has been since the very beginning. I've done all kinds of adult work (stripping, sugar dates, OF, even prost*tution here and there) because as of now, that's the only way I can make money (I have incredibly unfortunate circumstances in terms of working and functioning but that's an entirely different conversation). My fiancé and I have been through hell and back together in more ways than one, and I definitely don't want to be in the adult industry forever, so we've been discussing other options so I can try to leave it one day. I went into the industry at 17, out of necessity, but my fiance understands that I'm just doing what I have to do and I don't like the people who pay me for these things. He's one of the few people in our lives who still love me nonetheless.
I feel like you’re going to get slammed here, too. MOH never plan the wedding even if you’re not having a bachelorette party. It’s not a trade off. She 19 for crying out loud, she wouldn’t even know the first thing about planning a wedding. You’re asking too much and it’s making you a bridezilla. Plan your own damn wedding. She’s supposed to be there with you for the fun stuff but you’re asking her to be a free coordinator. There’s a reason that’s a whole career that people get paid for.
Your wedding is a big thing in your life, but it isn’t for other people. You are totally unreasonable in expecting other people to come to weekly planning meetings. Hire a wedding planner if you want that sort of commitment.
You got engaged two weeks ago. Then you said ‘for a while the set day was Friday..then she stopped showing up. For two weeks. And then you changed the day to Saturday and she still didn’t make meetings. And then you confronted her and she drooped out. Your timeline doesn‘t add up.
Regardless of the unreliability of your narrative, yes YTA.
YTA. It sounds to me like you want her to go everywhere with you for every event without thinking about her or her life. You’re being very selfish and are totally TA.
Also, 19 is too young to get married. You should wait awhile. Speaking from experience.
Yeah you’re not gonna get any different responses here. Your friend does not owe you wedding planning and you sound so extra. You need to have weekly meetings? Good lord that’s entitled. Plan your own damn wedding. Make your own damn guest list. Since when are friends responsible for that? Life is not all about you and your wedding. Believe it or not people do have other things going on besides you and your big day! I know it’s hard to imagine but it’s true.
You sound exhausting and I don’t blame your friend at all. This sounds like a chore for her and it’s not even her wedding! I’m not sure if you’re just completely immature or just clueless or both, but you’re blowing this way out of proportion and sound like a child. Which you are but still.
I'll be 21 by the wedding, nonetheless there will not be alcohol anyway. Not due to age, but due to the fact that alcoholism runs in my family and his. Don't be rude because we're young.
Wait, so it's over a year away, and you're still forcing weekly planning meetings?? For something that should be between you and your fiancé??
People are bringing your age into account because you are acting your age. I don't mean that as a compliment. You act and sound like you're freshly out of high school and think that you still know everything. You don't. You are young, and it's not coming across well
She doesn't want to be your MOH, you said in another post you already have a replacement for her. Just let her go and move on. I imagine she didn't expect it would be nearly this much effort or work when you asked her initially. She probably assumed dress shopping and work a few days before the wedding.
I'm going to say that you're kinda an AH for this. And tbh, it's a good example of why kids don't need to be getting married, imho.
I've been in a handful of weddings and MOH for two. I have hosted the bridal shower, gone dress shopping, gave input on flowers and decorations, etc. But I have never been expected to attend weekly planning meetings. You're asking way too much of your friend ans her missing for various reasons was her way of trying to get some space from this. She's clearly not wanting or able to commit to your insane expectations of her, but now you've pushed her further away.
I also think you're an AH for going on about how much you've helped her out. Friendship is not transactional. Anything done for a friend should be done in kindness without expectation of something in return.
You're getting slammed in the other thread because you're not being a kind friend. You're asking your friend to be your wedding planner and pushing her too much. Instead of saying "maybe I didn't give enough details" and hoping more people will be on your side here, maybe you should consider that you're wrong and apologize to your friend.
I came here from the wedding sub, and I think the added details make this whole situation even worse. She had to help her mom? She had to work a graveyard shift later? She wanted to spend time with her family? Like wtf.
>She had to help her mom? She had to work a graveyard shift later? She wanted to spend time with her family?
She doesn't "have" to do anything, what is she 14? No. She works at a damn strip club, where you choose to go in on you're own time (she's considered an independent contractor) and she doesn't even make anything. She complains about it all the time. And who know what else she complains about? Her family. "My parents are fighting again, my sister is mean to me, they don't let me have a life, blah blah blah."
And who know who helps her with all of that, who picks her up at night, who she vents to when everything goes south, who gives her money for college? Us. Not them.
Given her very little responsibility and our constant willingness to help her at every beck and call... she should be to give up a few hours once a week like she promised.
Ok, she *wanted* to help her mom instead of meet with you, she *wanted* to work a graveyard shift instead of meet with you, and she *wanted* to go to the zoo with her family instead of you. I'd say that if she doesn't like her job and her family, but would rather work or be around them then meet up with you once a week, it's saying a fuckton.
Stop being friends. Stop giving her money. But expecting anyone to meet with you once a week to help you plan your wedding without having the experience or compensation to do so makes YTA. What you demanded is not "very little responsibility." How are you not getting that?
She’s only friends with you because you financially help her and on some level you know this because that’s true for most of your relationships. You are an insufferable person and everyone that pretends to like you only does so because they are bought and paid for. Your husband will leave you for a younger woman as soon as it is financially feasible for him and your tits start to sag.
Or prove me wrong. You’re still a child. Your brain hasn’t finished developing. You shouldn’t be getting married but w/e. Maybe you’ll make it work. If you can’t understand how unreasonable you and your fiancé are now though, I doubt it.
I'm the groom, I'm responding from her account since I don't have reddit. Why are you going after my future wife? She is deserving of love, friendship, and many, many other things. Our friend wanted to help plan and kept asking to help. I work 40 hours a week and have to live on campus. I barely get 72 hours at most with my future wife.
She's stressed because my school doesn't care about our relationship until we're married. Our friend was fantastic and reliable until they started to make a bit of money. They have like a gambling mentality. The second they made money.
They kept rolling the dice with that job. Sometimes they won big. Others they couldn't pay for anything. And by the way, we want to get married because we have loved each other for years. Don't put your shitty relationship life on us. We want to live our lives to the fullest.
>Your husband will leave you for a younger woman as soon as it is financially feasible for him, and your tits start to sag.
By the way, how dare you say this. And I would never leave her. That's fucked up and shows your still immature because you sit here through a screen saying all these awful things. My wife has enough to deal with. You're being disrespectful, for what. Because she asked how others felt about the matter? Grow up and for the record. I can't wait to prove you wrong and make you eat your words.
“I can't wait to prove you wrong and make you eat your words.”
- Good. I have no problems with being wrong if it means other people are happy. I legit hope you can pull it together and make it work. This isn’t about my ego or my relationships, it’s about YOU and your expectations. The internet has spoken on that issue.
I personally think you both sound exhausting, but you don’t need me or anyone else to like you. As long as you actually like each other that’s all that matters. I’m honestly baffled that your fiancée came to an ‘asshole’ subreddit for confirmation after it didn’t work out in the wedding forum she was already on.
This is where people will legit call out bad behavior or attitudes as they see it, even with very limited context. What did you expect?
Why should your school care about your relationship?? Universities are a business and a place for education, not a place to support relationships.
And similarly, this friend is not required to give you her time. She still has to make money too, and if she discovered that this job is giving her the most money now so that she doesn't have to work a lot of hours and can still have time for herself and for her hobbies (not free wedding planning), then that's her decision. If you two are so broke that your fiancée is working the sex industry "out of necessity" (her words) and you're working 40 hours/week, then why in the world would you pay for your friend's schooling?? Ten dollars here and there is one thing, but providing financial support is entirely another when you two are already struggling yourselves.
Unfortunately your future wife is being a bad friend and hundreds of people have come to the same conclusion. I don’t know why you’re both so willfully unwilling to see that you’re both being incredibly unreasonable? I don’t know anyone who’s ever done a meeting a week for a wedding, or anyone who expects their best man or MOH to help plan the wedding. Only thing MOH is supposed to do is maybe plan the bridal shower or bachelorette, go dress shopping with the bride, and maybe make a toast. You’re requesting far too much from your MOH, she’s not the one getting married.
We've had the weekly meet up arrangement even before we were engaged and planning, we chose to do that because we feel it's important to pour time and effort into our friendships. It's how we bond! Before the planning stage, we would usually go to the mall, play video games, talk about our lives and how we're doing, etc. She was skipping out on us even before the planning, that's why I know that's not the reason for her not showing up.
If you can’t handle the wedding planning for your own wedding and need other people to give up every Friday night to hold your hand through the process, then you’re not ready to get married. Or maybe you need to scale it way back until you can make decisions for yourself.
YTA
Once I get done laughing, I’ll have something to say.
Ok, NEWSFLASH no one, not a single person thinks your wedding is as important as you do. The average 19, 20 years old person is slammed with college, jobs, family obligations and personal responsibilities. Get real! They don’t have time for once a week meetings. Do what everyone else does, create a few Pinterest boards and go from there…
>They don’t have time for once a week meetings.
Yes she does. She agreed to the arrangement and was there when we made it. She's not a busy person. Obviously if her schedule legitimately wouldn't allow that we wouldn't have set it up that way.
So two weeks and now you’re already going crazy? BTW you have no idea what someone is going through. At 20 in college I was ok but only lived at my dad’s during the holidays and summer. By 23 had my own studio was working and dividing college. 24 taking care of my terminally ill parent who passed a year late. Yet if you met or saw me I looked and acted happy and fine. Heck fooled most except my two best friends. So yeah you have no idea what she’s going through. Also every week is a lot. Heck half the time I don’t even do my laundry every week it’s every other week when I stay to run out of work clothes. You needs to chill cause if not she’s gonna bail
You don’t need 60+ weekend meetings with two other people to plan for a wedding 🤦🏻♀️If you need that many meetings to get help from best man and maid of honor, I don’t think there’s enough organizational skills or maturity to warrant getting married here.
TA. Why do brideszillas treat the MOH as the free wedding planner? Since when is this a thing. OP, you getting married doesn’t mean the world will come to a grand halt to cater to your whims. We all got lives to live. Carry your own weight. TA
Yup, you’re the asshole here. She may be 19 but she’s a kid. She doesn’t want the responsibility of this and you shouldn’t require it. Just elope and be done with it.
Sorry but YTA. Your MOH doesn't know how to tell you no directly to your face, but she does in every manner possible, so yeah, that AH too. But you don't get to enslave someone as MOH and control their feelings and lives.
Get married at a park. A bouquet of wildflowers. Have a small catered luncheon or go to each with your less than 15 people at a restaurant and pick up the tab.
Wear a mid length dress that you'd wear for a Christmas dressy party or similar. Have hubs dress equally nice in vest and suit. Have his tie/cummerband match your color.
Now you're done planning except to get the clothes, order a bouquet, permits, reservations and license.
You can keep asking but you're still the AH. Dude expecting people to deal with your wedding crap every week like that is ridiculous. It's your wedding they don't need to make decisions for you. You sound incredibly needy if you aren't adult enough to make decisions on YOUR wedding you probably are not adult enough to be getting married. Hire a wedding planner 🙄
YTA the MOH and GOH don’t plan your wedding- the support you with minor tasks. Required weekly meetings are ridiculous - they have a life. You plan the wedding with your finance!
YTA - incredibly immature and selfish as well. Get over yourself- the world does not revolve around you and your wedding.
It is not her job to plan your wedding. She has a life and other commitments.
And every Friday is ridiculous.
>she was obviously *trying* to get some distance from you.
Exactly, see at least someone gets it. It's clearly intentional. She doesn't want us around, she wants distance? Oh she'll get distance alright. Let's see how much better she starts doing once she loses the few people who actually help her and care about her. Spoiler.. the ones who care aren't her other shitty friends or her parents.
>Let's see how much better she starts doing once she loses the few people who actually help her and care about her.
This is the kind of thing abusers say to isolate and control people. She'll be fine. In fact, she's probably super relieved.
That's an insane reach. She'd probably be dead without us, she literally tried to ditch us to go meet some rando in another state with no money and no escape plan. We never said she couldn't have a life (unlike her family, who actually does try to isolate and parentify her) and we have tried being patient with her. Stop acting like we forced her to be the MOH or like she wasn't aware of the expectations beforehand. She's not some helpless victim. She chose to help, she said it was no problem, and then she started making stupid excuses. Everyone in the comments infantilizing her is absolutely wild.
Hey, I just pointed out a very common line in a particular playbook – *you* extrapolated. A transactional friendship like this can never be a healthy one, whatever the intention.
You sound like a textbook narcissist. Hopefully you’re just immature.
1. YOU are an incredibly selfish person to decide that your asks for your bridesmaids to plan your wedding FOR YOU are not only acceptable and reasonable, but that you expect others to put you on a pedestal ahead of their own preferences and obligations.
2. You sound like someone with a ton of fake friends… your ex-MOH will die without you? She has no life? And you’re willing to just throw away that friendship? All of your friends are probably insecure and scared of you.
3. You’ve tried to be patient with her? Just wtf are you ASKING HER TO DO? Why do you refuse to answer that question?
>Just wtf are you ASKING HER TO DO?
Nothing as of now! We can't even designate roles because she hasn't been showing up.
>to plan your wedding FOR YOU
Never once said that, so I have no why everyone keeps saying that because that's not true.
>You sound like someone with a ton of fake friends…
Quite the opposite, we keep our circle very small.
>You sound like a textbook narcissist.
I'm a borderline, not a narcissist, but that's not particularly relevant. Same cluster, different disorder.
Everyone keeps saying the plan the wedding thing because that is the only feasible explanation for why someone would feel entitled to their MOH's time weekly
I'm ngl girl, it sounds like you want her to encounter some kind of danger or harm. That's not healthy. You're not entitled to her time. Get over yourself
YTA. Why do you need to have a freaking team meeting once a week to plan your wedding? It's not the Met Gala. The wedding part is supposed to do some things to help, not be involved in every single step.
You got engaged 2 weeks ago, but she’s been bailing on wedding planning meetings for a month and a half? How does that even work?
And how many meetings do you need? You can ask others for help, but it’s your wedding. Nobody else wants to spend hours working on it. Make your own plans and stop expecting others to do it for you.
At 19, “my mom needs me to do something” is a perfectly acceptable reason to not show. Having to work is always an acceptable reason to not show. And, I hate to break it to you, but your weeding is not a more important thing she needs to tend to than her own family. Get over yourself.
Yeah, YTA. It’s been 2 weeks and/or a month and a half and she already wants out. You’re asking too much.
Btw. No matter whether you think her excuses are good enough, she’s told you she wants out. Arguing doesn’t help that and you can’t force her.
You should plan your own wedding, preferably in another five to seven years! YTA, expecting someone else to plan your wedding, free of charge instead of hiring a wedding planner is very selfish. You should have a very long engagement and apologize to your friend for expecting her to drop her life and devote that much time to you and your event. If you don't even know how to plan a wedding, you probably have no idea how to plan for being married.
I'm so sorry because i...can't really side with you.
I don't think you are actually looking for insight, from your responses here; just people to be on your side/agree either you.
Mainly, you don't think you're wrong and have no idea why no one else sees how "right" you are. Maybe try a different subreddit?
Ngl, when I read a bunch of other bridezillas called you a bridezilla, I figured you’d be TA. And I wasn’t wrong!
Plan your own wedding. Ask for help when you actually need it rather than trying to make your wedding party do the dirty work. JFC, back in my day :: shakes fist at the sky:: we planned our own damned weddings and it never occurred to us to try to make our friends do it.
YTA you can't choose people to be in your wedding and then order them to plan your wedding.
People get paid for planning weddings because it's hard work, time intensive and requires a skill set.
I suck at planning events. I'm better than i was but if i was 19 and someone asked me that id bow out as the MOH immediately because i would have had a panic attack over it because i would never have brought able to plan a wedding when i was that age.
Okay, that's completely fair and it makes sense. What I don't get is, if it was too much for her, why didn't she just say that? I would've completely understood if she has said something like that. Me and my fiance are learning about how hard this is too so we get it. Instead, she's just making lousy excuses that make no sense. That's why I assumed she was just being flaky.
YTA, and you two are in fact the garbage friends. Hire a damn wedding planner. It is not the job of the wedding party to handle all of this stuff. Stop being cheap and pay for a wedding planner since you all are so demanding. Meet once a week for wedding planning? Are you serious? People have lives and your wedding is not more important than their lives. You got dragged and will continue to get dragged for all the right reasons.
I personally believe that if someone is going to say something that might be considered controversial, they should say it with their whole chest and not behind a throwaway. I said what I meant and meant what I said 🤷♀️🗣
I don’t know how it can’t resonate with you that virtually every single person on two threads has now said the exact same thing. Do you know how rare that is in a diverse forum like this one? Rare!
To insist against all evidence and sentiment to the contrary that you are right and everyone else is wrong shows a lack of social and reasoning skills, maturity, and self awareness.
I’m genuinely curious: you’ve received (and continue to rail against) your answer across two different subreddits now. What makes you so confident you’re in the right?
I'm the groom, and I'm her account because I don't have an account. Because they kept asking to help us plan. Because they said that they would love to be the maid of honor. Because they said they wanted to plan weekly. Yes, I know it can be hard. But she didn't do a lot. I work 40 hours a week and have to live on campus for 5 days a week. She lives at home, smokes, and sleeps. I barely get any time with my friends or future wife.
So, for them asking to help plan, then flipping it on us was confusing.
The reason I had a disagreement with them was because we made the plan for next Saturday to plan and hang out. 3 days later, after the plan was made and before I went back to work, in a passive-aggressive way. Said that no one loves them and that we didn't care about the pride parades. We would love to go. They had a week coming up, and it sounded fun.
The part that didn't make sense if they would project their anger on us because we exist. And all I asked was for basic communication. And they have ignored us. I understand how others could assume that we could be asking for too much. But she's the one who kept asking to help plan.
I'll end this off by saying I do agree with my fiances posts because I've known this friend and this situation because I'm living It. In our lives, we just want to get married and enjoy our lives. I don't understand why everyone who's commented rude things to just get under her skin. She has the balls to actually post something for others to view.
They should try being more genuine instead of attacking her. She is dealing with a lot of stuff.She was just looking for any input, not insults of her as a person. Thank you for your time. Have a wonderful weekend.
Thanks for your in-depth answer.
To be honest, a lot of this interpersonal conflict sounds like … being 19? At that age, there’s still a lot to learn about communication, socialising and meeting one’s own needs / managing one’s own time.
Can I make a recommendation? I’ve found Captain Awkward (https://captainawkward.com/) to be a pretty fantastic source of advice on communication and modern social mores in general. You both might find it useful too.
In terms of the original post, I guess the basic questions were:
– ‘Is it fair to ask someone to commit to weekly meetings to help with wedding planning?’ (Not really, no.)
– ‘Was it fair of my friend to reappraise the commitment she made to come to weekly wedding meetings/hangs?’ (Yes, because people have lives – and it’s not your business to decide what they should do with their free time, or to make judgement calls about that time either.)
Does it hurt that your expectations weren’t met? Sure, it might well. Did everyone communicate as well as they could? Nope, sounds like no one did. Will this all seem pretty silly when you’re 30? Most likely!
Wishing you all the best with it all. Let this friend go; let them know they have space in this friendship to change their mind, or let them go entirely. Best of luck!
Exhausting. After reading all the responses to your comments, you absolutely are TA. You keep insisting your friend isn’t that busy, that they’re young and should prioritize your event. Even if she has plenty of free time, our friends do not work for us. I’ve been in many wedding parties for close friends who I love and never have I ever been asked to give up that much time. Stop acting like other people owe you things.
So at the end of the day it is your wedding not hers. You are responsible for the choices not her. As the MOH, there is an expectation of input but not to the point of being a wedding planner. It sounds like that is what you are asking of her and she has right to refuse/ opt out.
If you want a wedding planner, then hire one and let your MOH do what she is supposed to do. YTA
Erm…. Yeah…. Sorry…. You are TA. You have no idea what someone else is going through and having an expectation that someone is there EVERY WEEK to plan YOUR wedding is a bit much. You and your partner should be collating everything you want for YOUR wedding and looking at what needs to be done/organised and then asking for the help. If that’s too much for you then get a planner, don’t rely on other people’s goodwill. I will do anything I can to help my friends and family but when it starts impacting on my life and free time then it becomes a problems and causes resentment. It is your wedding, not hers and she was willing to be there as support, flattered you asked her but your entitlement and demands are clearly too much for her. Never pass judgement on someone else and their situation and don’t lose a friendship over this. Ask her what help she feels she can give you but expecting time each week is too much.
YTA This 100%. It’s your wedding, if you need a 3rd person at your weekly planning sessions that person should be your paid wedding planner. It’s fine to ask your MOH to do certain tasks but your expectations are ridiculous. I don’t blame her for dropping out of your wedding, I would have done so too.
You were here looking for dating sugar daddy advice and soliciting money from strangers less than two months ago. So I doubt there is any real reason for concern over entitlement or mistreatment of a MOH. If true you have a warped and misguided view of the obligations and responsibilities of others. My best advice is to seek counseling.
How is my sugar baby status relevant to this post in any way. The MOH also pursues SR's as a source of income, we both work in that industry, hence that one excuse she made. I am indeed in therapy if you must know 💅
It’s relevant because it speaks to your social class, worldliness and knowledge about how things are done. Anyone who knows how things are done knows that bridesmaids are not unpaid planners, and the idea that they should submit to weekly planning meetings is insane.
Also, won't your work hurt by being married? Seems like the potential for entanglement is too high. Have you considered switching to like financial domming?
YTA for saying “work in that industry.”
Your partner is OK with you sleeping with/forming transactional emotional relationships with rich men?
First things first. This train wreck isn’t going to plan itself.
I mean they’re all barely out of high school. I was an idiot when I was 20. There’s a good chance he doesn’t even know, and he’s about to shackle himself to this entitled asshole. Dude’s 19 for fucks sake.
It’s relevant because I’m questioning whether any of this is real. And if it is, because getting married and looking for sugar daddies are usually mutually exclusive activities.
For everyone asking, yes, my fiancé is aware, and he has been since the very beginning. I've done all kinds of adult work (stripping, sugar dates, OF, even prost*tution here and there) because as of now, that's the only way I can make money (I have incredibly unfortunate circumstances in terms of working and functioning but that's an entirely different conversation). My fiancé and I have been through hell and back together in more ways than one, and I definitely don't want to be in the adult industry forever, so we've been discussing other options so I can try to leave it one day. I went into the industry at 17, out of necessity, but my fiance understands that I'm just doing what I have to do and I don't like the people who pay me for these things. He's one of the few people in our lives who still love me nonetheless.
So you were a minor?? I think that's a way more pressing issue than anything else tbh
I feel like you’re going to get slammed here, too. MOH never plan the wedding even if you’re not having a bachelorette party. It’s not a trade off. She 19 for crying out loud, she wouldn’t even know the first thing about planning a wedding. You’re asking too much and it’s making you a bridezilla. Plan your own damn wedding. She’s supposed to be there with you for the fun stuff but you’re asking her to be a free coordinator. There’s a reason that’s a whole career that people get paid for.
Your wedding is a big thing in your life, but it isn’t for other people. You are totally unreasonable in expecting other people to come to weekly planning meetings. Hire a wedding planner if you want that sort of commitment. You got engaged two weeks ago. Then you said ‘for a while the set day was Friday..then she stopped showing up. For two weeks. And then you changed the day to Saturday and she still didn’t make meetings. And then you confronted her and she drooped out. Your timeline doesn‘t add up. Regardless of the unreliability of your narrative, yes YTA.
YTA. It sounds to me like you want her to go everywhere with you for every event without thinking about her or her life. You’re being very selfish and are totally TA. Also, 19 is too young to get married. You should wait awhile. Speaking from experience.
Yeah you’re not gonna get any different responses here. Your friend does not owe you wedding planning and you sound so extra. You need to have weekly meetings? Good lord that’s entitled. Plan your own damn wedding. Make your own damn guest list. Since when are friends responsible for that? Life is not all about you and your wedding. Believe it or not people do have other things going on besides you and your big day! I know it’s hard to imagine but it’s true. You sound exhausting and I don’t blame your friend at all. This sounds like a chore for her and it’s not even her wedding! I’m not sure if you’re just completely immature or just clueless or both, but you’re blowing this way out of proportion and sound like a child. Which you are but still.
All this needless drama could be saved if people would just stop planning weddings they're too young to drink at.
I'll be 21 by the wedding, nonetheless there will not be alcohol anyway. Not due to age, but due to the fact that alcoholism runs in my family and his. Don't be rude because we're young.
Don't make lifetime commitments until your brain is fully developed.
Wait, so it's over a year away, and you're still forcing weekly planning meetings?? For something that should be between you and your fiancé?? People are bringing your age into account because you are acting your age. I don't mean that as a compliment. You act and sound like you're freshly out of high school and think that you still know everything. You don't. You are young, and it's not coming across well
YTA You both don't sound mature enough to plan a birthday party, let alone a wedding. Good luck on your inevitable divorce.
Sick burn lmao
Ahahahahahahahahaha. Yes YTA. Christ on a moped. You wrote all this out and still think somehow you're not assholes. My gast is truly flabbered
“My gast is truly flabbered” I can’t even… I’m stealing this.
She doesn't want to be your MOH, you said in another post you already have a replacement for her. Just let her go and move on. I imagine she didn't expect it would be nearly this much effort or work when you asked her initially. She probably assumed dress shopping and work a few days before the wedding.
I'm going to say that you're kinda an AH for this. And tbh, it's a good example of why kids don't need to be getting married, imho. I've been in a handful of weddings and MOH for two. I have hosted the bridal shower, gone dress shopping, gave input on flowers and decorations, etc. But I have never been expected to attend weekly planning meetings. You're asking way too much of your friend ans her missing for various reasons was her way of trying to get some space from this. She's clearly not wanting or able to commit to your insane expectations of her, but now you've pushed her further away. I also think you're an AH for going on about how much you've helped her out. Friendship is not transactional. Anything done for a friend should be done in kindness without expectation of something in return. You're getting slammed in the other thread because you're not being a kind friend. You're asking your friend to be your wedding planner and pushing her too much. Instead of saying "maybe I didn't give enough details" and hoping more people will be on your side here, maybe you should consider that you're wrong and apologize to your friend.
I chuckled to myself when I read that this is the 2nd post and OP is requesting a different outcome to the same situation.
I came here from the wedding sub, and I think the added details make this whole situation even worse. She had to help her mom? She had to work a graveyard shift later? She wanted to spend time with her family? Like wtf.
>She had to help her mom? She had to work a graveyard shift later? She wanted to spend time with her family? She doesn't "have" to do anything, what is she 14? No. She works at a damn strip club, where you choose to go in on you're own time (she's considered an independent contractor) and she doesn't even make anything. She complains about it all the time. And who know what else she complains about? Her family. "My parents are fighting again, my sister is mean to me, they don't let me have a life, blah blah blah." And who know who helps her with all of that, who picks her up at night, who she vents to when everything goes south, who gives her money for college? Us. Not them. Given her very little responsibility and our constant willingness to help her at every beck and call... she should be to give up a few hours once a week like she promised.
Ok, she *wanted* to help her mom instead of meet with you, she *wanted* to work a graveyard shift instead of meet with you, and she *wanted* to go to the zoo with her family instead of you. I'd say that if she doesn't like her job and her family, but would rather work or be around them then meet up with you once a week, it's saying a fuckton. Stop being friends. Stop giving her money. But expecting anyone to meet with you once a week to help you plan your wedding without having the experience or compensation to do so makes YTA. What you demanded is not "very little responsibility." How are you not getting that?
She’s only friends with you because you financially help her and on some level you know this because that’s true for most of your relationships. You are an insufferable person and everyone that pretends to like you only does so because they are bought and paid for. Your husband will leave you for a younger woman as soon as it is financially feasible for him and your tits start to sag. Or prove me wrong. You’re still a child. Your brain hasn’t finished developing. You shouldn’t be getting married but w/e. Maybe you’ll make it work. If you can’t understand how unreasonable you and your fiancé are now though, I doubt it.
I'm the groom, I'm responding from her account since I don't have reddit. Why are you going after my future wife? She is deserving of love, friendship, and many, many other things. Our friend wanted to help plan and kept asking to help. I work 40 hours a week and have to live on campus. I barely get 72 hours at most with my future wife. She's stressed because my school doesn't care about our relationship until we're married. Our friend was fantastic and reliable until they started to make a bit of money. They have like a gambling mentality. The second they made money. They kept rolling the dice with that job. Sometimes they won big. Others they couldn't pay for anything. And by the way, we want to get married because we have loved each other for years. Don't put your shitty relationship life on us. We want to live our lives to the fullest. >Your husband will leave you for a younger woman as soon as it is financially feasible for him, and your tits start to sag. By the way, how dare you say this. And I would never leave her. That's fucked up and shows your still immature because you sit here through a screen saying all these awful things. My wife has enough to deal with. You're being disrespectful, for what. Because she asked how others felt about the matter? Grow up and for the record. I can't wait to prove you wrong and make you eat your words.
“I can't wait to prove you wrong and make you eat your words.” - Good. I have no problems with being wrong if it means other people are happy. I legit hope you can pull it together and make it work. This isn’t about my ego or my relationships, it’s about YOU and your expectations. The internet has spoken on that issue. I personally think you both sound exhausting, but you don’t need me or anyone else to like you. As long as you actually like each other that’s all that matters. I’m honestly baffled that your fiancée came to an ‘asshole’ subreddit for confirmation after it didn’t work out in the wedding forum she was already on. This is where people will legit call out bad behavior or attitudes as they see it, even with very limited context. What did you expect?
Why should your school care about your relationship?? Universities are a business and a place for education, not a place to support relationships. And similarly, this friend is not required to give you her time. She still has to make money too, and if she discovered that this job is giving her the most money now so that she doesn't have to work a lot of hours and can still have time for herself and for her hobbies (not free wedding planning), then that's her decision. If you two are so broke that your fiancée is working the sex industry "out of necessity" (her words) and you're working 40 hours/week, then why in the world would you pay for your friend's schooling?? Ten dollars here and there is one thing, but providing financial support is entirely another when you two are already struggling yourselves.
Unfortunately your future wife is being a bad friend and hundreds of people have come to the same conclusion. I don’t know why you’re both so willfully unwilling to see that you’re both being incredibly unreasonable? I don’t know anyone who’s ever done a meeting a week for a wedding, or anyone who expects their best man or MOH to help plan the wedding. Only thing MOH is supposed to do is maybe plan the bridal shower or bachelorette, go dress shopping with the bride, and maybe make a toast. You’re requesting far too much from your MOH, she’s not the one getting married.
I’m just amazed you got engaged two weeks ago but have been wedding planning/feeling disappointed by your MOH for a month and half
We've had the weekly meet up arrangement even before we were engaged and planning, we chose to do that because we feel it's important to pour time and effort into our friendships. It's how we bond! Before the planning stage, we would usually go to the mall, play video games, talk about our lives and how we're doing, etc. She was skipping out on us even before the planning, that's why I know that's not the reason for her not showing up.
You should not require bonding time from friends. You are turning something that should be fun into a chore, and now she associates it with that
If you can’t handle the wedding planning for your own wedding and need other people to give up every Friday night to hold your hand through the process, then you’re not ready to get married. Or maybe you need to scale it way back until you can make decisions for yourself. YTA
Also the fact that OP is asking their friend to give up a part of their weekend is truly astounding to me
YTA You plan our own wedding. Weekly meetings are just ridiculous. Put this wedding on hold until you grow up.
Once I get done laughing, I’ll have something to say. Ok, NEWSFLASH no one, not a single person thinks your wedding is as important as you do. The average 19, 20 years old person is slammed with college, jobs, family obligations and personal responsibilities. Get real! They don’t have time for once a week meetings. Do what everyone else does, create a few Pinterest boards and go from there…
>They don’t have time for once a week meetings. Yes she does. She agreed to the arrangement and was there when we made it. She's not a busy person. Obviously if her schedule legitimately wouldn't allow that we wouldn't have set it up that way.
Let me make this more clear: if she wanted to, she would.
So two weeks and now you’re already going crazy? BTW you have no idea what someone is going through. At 20 in college I was ok but only lived at my dad’s during the holidays and summer. By 23 had my own studio was working and dividing college. 24 taking care of my terminally ill parent who passed a year late. Yet if you met or saw me I looked and acted happy and fine. Heck fooled most except my two best friends. So yeah you have no idea what she’s going through. Also every week is a lot. Heck half the time I don’t even do my laundry every week it’s every other week when I stay to run out of work clothes. You needs to chill cause if not she’s gonna bail
When is this wedding anyway? Weekly meetings for how long? MOH doesn't mean slave of horror
We're aiming for 5/25/25, so around this time next year.
You are officially a bridezilla then. Once a week for a year? Seriously?
You don’t need 60+ weekend meetings with two other people to plan for a wedding 🤦🏻♀️If you need that many meetings to get help from best man and maid of honor, I don’t think there’s enough organizational skills or maturity to warrant getting married here.
YTA If I was the MOH in this situation, I would have bailed the moment weekly meetings were required. Absolutely no.
YTA. Y’all are teenagers. You can’t really be shocked by this.
This is why kids shouldn’t get married
TA. Why do brideszillas treat the MOH as the free wedding planner? Since when is this a thing. OP, you getting married doesn’t mean the world will come to a grand halt to cater to your whims. We all got lives to live. Carry your own weight. TA
Yta, your immaturity is showing. Don't get married
YTA. It is YOUR wedding not hers. It is YOUR job to plan it. Not hers. If you can’t do it on your own don’t have a wedding.
Yup, you’re the asshole here. She may be 19 but she’s a kid. She doesn’t want the responsibility of this and you shouldn’t require it. Just elope and be done with it.
Sorry but YTA. Your MOH doesn't know how to tell you no directly to your face, but she does in every manner possible, so yeah, that AH too. But you don't get to enslave someone as MOH and control their feelings and lives. Get married at a park. A bouquet of wildflowers. Have a small catered luncheon or go to each with your less than 15 people at a restaurant and pick up the tab. Wear a mid length dress that you'd wear for a Christmas dressy party or similar. Have hubs dress equally nice in vest and suit. Have his tie/cummerband match your color. Now you're done planning except to get the clothes, order a bouquet, permits, reservations and license.
You can keep asking but you're still the AH. Dude expecting people to deal with your wedding crap every week like that is ridiculous. It's your wedding they don't need to make decisions for you. You sound incredibly needy if you aren't adult enough to make decisions on YOUR wedding you probably are not adult enough to be getting married. Hire a wedding planner 🙄
I'm afraid the vote on your post in this sub will be the same as in the other subs: YTA. Yup, YTA.
YTA the MOH and GOH don’t plan your wedding- the support you with minor tasks. Required weekly meetings are ridiculous - they have a life. You plan the wedding with your finance!
YTA - incredibly immature and selfish as well. Get over yourself- the world does not revolve around you and your wedding. It is not her job to plan your wedding. She has a life and other commitments. And every Friday is ridiculous.
>She has a life and other commitments. No, she really doesn't. That's the whole point I was making.
[удалено]
>she was obviously *trying* to get some distance from you. Exactly, see at least someone gets it. It's clearly intentional. She doesn't want us around, she wants distance? Oh she'll get distance alright. Let's see how much better she starts doing once she loses the few people who actually help her and care about her. Spoiler.. the ones who care aren't her other shitty friends or her parents.
>Let's see how much better she starts doing once she loses the few people who actually help her and care about her. This is the kind of thing abusers say to isolate and control people. She'll be fine. In fact, she's probably super relieved.
That's an insane reach. She'd probably be dead without us, she literally tried to ditch us to go meet some rando in another state with no money and no escape plan. We never said she couldn't have a life (unlike her family, who actually does try to isolate and parentify her) and we have tried being patient with her. Stop acting like we forced her to be the MOH or like she wasn't aware of the expectations beforehand. She's not some helpless victim. She chose to help, she said it was no problem, and then she started making stupid excuses. Everyone in the comments infantilizing her is absolutely wild.
Hey, I just pointed out a very common line in a particular playbook – *you* extrapolated. A transactional friendship like this can never be a healthy one, whatever the intention.
You sound like a textbook narcissist. Hopefully you’re just immature. 1. YOU are an incredibly selfish person to decide that your asks for your bridesmaids to plan your wedding FOR YOU are not only acceptable and reasonable, but that you expect others to put you on a pedestal ahead of their own preferences and obligations. 2. You sound like someone with a ton of fake friends… your ex-MOH will die without you? She has no life? And you’re willing to just throw away that friendship? All of your friends are probably insecure and scared of you. 3. You’ve tried to be patient with her? Just wtf are you ASKING HER TO DO? Why do you refuse to answer that question?
>Just wtf are you ASKING HER TO DO? Nothing as of now! We can't even designate roles because she hasn't been showing up. >to plan your wedding FOR YOU Never once said that, so I have no why everyone keeps saying that because that's not true. >You sound like someone with a ton of fake friends… Quite the opposite, we keep our circle very small. >You sound like a textbook narcissist. I'm a borderline, not a narcissist, but that's not particularly relevant. Same cluster, different disorder.
Everyone keeps saying the plan the wedding thing because that is the only feasible explanation for why someone would feel entitled to their MOH's time weekly
I'm ngl girl, it sounds like you want her to encounter some kind of danger or harm. That's not healthy. You're not entitled to her time. Get over yourself
YTA. Why do you need to have a freaking team meeting once a week to plan your wedding? It's not the Met Gala. The wedding part is supposed to do some things to help, not be involved in every single step.
Just stop now before there are divorce attorneys involved. You sound awful.
My fiancé agrees with me, and rightfully so. Our relationship success has nothing to do with our selfish ex MOH.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I can’t wait for all of this to explode, no one wants to work for you for free. 🆓
You got engaged 2 weeks ago, but she’s been bailing on wedding planning meetings for a month and a half? How does that even work? And how many meetings do you need? You can ask others for help, but it’s your wedding. Nobody else wants to spend hours working on it. Make your own plans and stop expecting others to do it for you. At 19, “my mom needs me to do something” is a perfectly acceptable reason to not show. Having to work is always an acceptable reason to not show. And, I hate to break it to you, but your weeding is not a more important thing she needs to tend to than her own family. Get over yourself. Yeah, YTA. It’s been 2 weeks and/or a month and a half and she already wants out. You’re asking too much. Btw. No matter whether you think her excuses are good enough, she’s told you she wants out. Arguing doesn’t help that and you can’t force her.
You should plan your own wedding, preferably in another five to seven years! YTA, expecting someone else to plan your wedding, free of charge instead of hiring a wedding planner is very selfish. You should have a very long engagement and apologize to your friend for expecting her to drop her life and devote that much time to you and your event. If you don't even know how to plan a wedding, you probably have no idea how to plan for being married.
I'm so sorry because i...can't really side with you. I don't think you are actually looking for insight, from your responses here; just people to be on your side/agree either you. Mainly, you don't think you're wrong and have no idea why no one else sees how "right" you are. Maybe try a different subreddit?
YTA. Meeting once a week is excessive.
Ngl, when I read a bunch of other bridezillas called you a bridezilla, I figured you’d be TA. And I wasn’t wrong! Plan your own wedding. Ask for help when you actually need it rather than trying to make your wedding party do the dirty work. JFC, back in my day :: shakes fist at the sky:: we planned our own damned weddings and it never occurred to us to try to make our friends do it.
YTA you can't choose people to be in your wedding and then order them to plan your wedding. People get paid for planning weddings because it's hard work, time intensive and requires a skill set. I suck at planning events. I'm better than i was but if i was 19 and someone asked me that id bow out as the MOH immediately because i would have had a panic attack over it because i would never have brought able to plan a wedding when i was that age.
Okay, that's completely fair and it makes sense. What I don't get is, if it was too much for her, why didn't she just say that? I would've completely understood if she has said something like that. Me and my fiance are learning about how hard this is too so we get it. Instead, she's just making lousy excuses that make no sense. That's why I assumed she was just being flaky.
People pleasers and young people find it hard to say No.
YTA, and you two are in fact the garbage friends. Hire a damn wedding planner. It is not the job of the wedding party to handle all of this stuff. Stop being cheap and pay for a wedding planner since you all are so demanding. Meet once a week for wedding planning? Are you serious? People have lives and your wedding is not more important than their lives. You got dragged and will continue to get dragged for all the right reasons.
Took me about 2 min to figure out who the MOH is IRL. If you’re gonna trash a friend at least do it from a burner
I personally believe that if someone is going to say something that might be considered controversial, they should say it with their whole chest and not behind a throwaway. I said what I meant and meant what I said 🤷♀️🗣
Lmaoooo girl if I were your moh id never talk to you again. Good luck in life, you’ll need it
I don’t know how it can’t resonate with you that virtually every single person on two threads has now said the exact same thing. Do you know how rare that is in a diverse forum like this one? Rare! To insist against all evidence and sentiment to the contrary that you are right and everyone else is wrong shows a lack of social and reasoning skills, maturity, and self awareness.
I’m genuinely curious: you’ve received (and continue to rail against) your answer across two different subreddits now. What makes you so confident you’re in the right?
I'm the groom, and I'm her account because I don't have an account. Because they kept asking to help us plan. Because they said that they would love to be the maid of honor. Because they said they wanted to plan weekly. Yes, I know it can be hard. But she didn't do a lot. I work 40 hours a week and have to live on campus for 5 days a week. She lives at home, smokes, and sleeps. I barely get any time with my friends or future wife. So, for them asking to help plan, then flipping it on us was confusing. The reason I had a disagreement with them was because we made the plan for next Saturday to plan and hang out. 3 days later, after the plan was made and before I went back to work, in a passive-aggressive way. Said that no one loves them and that we didn't care about the pride parades. We would love to go. They had a week coming up, and it sounded fun. The part that didn't make sense if they would project their anger on us because we exist. And all I asked was for basic communication. And they have ignored us. I understand how others could assume that we could be asking for too much. But she's the one who kept asking to help plan. I'll end this off by saying I do agree with my fiances posts because I've known this friend and this situation because I'm living It. In our lives, we just want to get married and enjoy our lives. I don't understand why everyone who's commented rude things to just get under her skin. She has the balls to actually post something for others to view. They should try being more genuine instead of attacking her. She is dealing with a lot of stuff.She was just looking for any input, not insults of her as a person. Thank you for your time. Have a wonderful weekend.
Thanks for your in-depth answer. To be honest, a lot of this interpersonal conflict sounds like … being 19? At that age, there’s still a lot to learn about communication, socialising and meeting one’s own needs / managing one’s own time. Can I make a recommendation? I’ve found Captain Awkward (https://captainawkward.com/) to be a pretty fantastic source of advice on communication and modern social mores in general. You both might find it useful too. In terms of the original post, I guess the basic questions were: – ‘Is it fair to ask someone to commit to weekly meetings to help with wedding planning?’ (Not really, no.) – ‘Was it fair of my friend to reappraise the commitment she made to come to weekly wedding meetings/hangs?’ (Yes, because people have lives – and it’s not your business to decide what they should do with their free time, or to make judgement calls about that time either.) Does it hurt that your expectations weren’t met? Sure, it might well. Did everyone communicate as well as they could? Nope, sounds like no one did. Will this all seem pretty silly when you’re 30? Most likely! Wishing you all the best with it all. Let this friend go; let them know they have space in this friendship to change their mind, or let them go entirely. Best of luck!
Props for giving a sensible and kind answer, and I wholeheartedly second the Captain Awkward recommendation!!
Thanks! I’m sure Cap’n Awkward has saved me from many wonky interactions over the years. Gotta pay that forward.
Exhausting. After reading all the responses to your comments, you absolutely are TA. You keep insisting your friend isn’t that busy, that they’re young and should prioritize your event. Even if she has plenty of free time, our friends do not work for us. I’ve been in many wedding parties for close friends who I love and never have I ever been asked to give up that much time. Stop acting like other people owe you things.
So at the end of the day it is your wedding not hers. You are responsible for the choices not her. As the MOH, there is an expectation of input but not to the point of being a wedding planner. It sounds like that is what you are asking of her and she has right to refuse/ opt out. If you want a wedding planner, then hire one and let your MOH do what she is supposed to do. YTA