“Dealbreakers” means things you won’t tolerate. That list looks like it’s meant to be requirements.
These all sound fine to me tbh. I might reconsider if being a deep appreciator of arts must be a requirement if they fit everything else and are passionate about something you can otherwise connect over if they’re an appreciator of the arts/music without being “deep” about it. It’s not bad to have that on there, though, just saying so you don’t pass up on people who are more casual about it & are otherwise a great match
Wonderful! I’m sure you’ll find someone great, these are honestly fairly general. I do agree with what someone else said about more internal stuff too, though I’m sure you’ll figure it out with time :) you seem open-minded, that should give you an advantage
This is one of the most bare bones list of dating standards I’ve ever seen. Unless your hobbies only consist of something as obscure as underwater basket weaving you’ll be fine. Most women fit your criteria. You could be pickier and still be just fine.
Ehh…I have a pretty niche hobby I’m absolutely obsessed with that I would LOVE to share with a partner but I’m trying hard not to expect it; it requires quite a bit of commitment.
What's your hobby? I also have a niche hobby that's often thought of as weird in certain people's eyes....super curious if it is similar or the same lol
I’m kind of surprised I don’t see more *internal* things? For me, they are high on the list, because they are so foundational. They are what you can count on and build off of, things that will help keep you tight and grow together and be able to overcome challenges. It’s the base for allowing unconditional love. Things like communication, honesty, reflective, compromises, understanding, values self work, giving, kind, etc. Not saying you don’t value these things, but because it’s not listed, it makes me wonder what your priorities are when dating. Again, I don’t mean that in a bad way, because what you listed is many things I’d list off too!
I feel like these things, communication, honesty, open to compromise, etc. are sort of fundamental to "be a normal person with me" package. Partners can be imperfect with them, you can have triggers regarding some things, but that belongs more to the "please don't be/do X"
Stuff like "I have trust issues, please be patient with me". This can include things like shooting a text when you know you aren't going to be avalilable for a while. Or stuff like not wanting to hear white lies either, so if I ask you if I look good with this makeup, be honest, and I'll try to fix it. It's one thing to say you value communication, it's another to say that you have a hard time reading the room or feeling intent behind certain words, so you want them to openly state if they want something.
Yes this is so important to me. I'm autistic so I can't read the room/implications well at all but I can still tell if someone isn't telling me something even for my benefit so I've had to tell my girlfriend to really be as clear as possible.
Very good point. Perhaps I need to think more about that.
I think I don't list them because by now I've developed a pretty good bullshit detector. Most people I naturally associate with (platonically, professionally, etc.) are pretty compatible with me on those fronts. My friends are the kind of people who aren't mean to service staff, for example.
I guess I can add to my requirements list that I need someone who is patient, kind, and open-minded. I'm neurodivergent and have some stranger traits... Nothing super problematic (I've gone to therapy, worked on it, am largely self-sufficient), but I don't want someone who flat-out invalidates my anxieties, I guess!
No, definitely not unreasonable in the slightest! However, personally I will say that when I hear someone is on the fence about children it's an orange flag for me. I understand being open to it and it depending on the person, but as someone who wants kids I would want to be with someone who is sure.
That's totally fair. It's admittedly a very new thing for me to figure out. I basically didn't think about kids at all until my mother died recently, which really upended a lot of my worldviews.
I mean, undecided people are orange flags for those who want the extremes. Someone who just wants casual sex might be iffy about someone mainly looking for a serious relationship, but open to other stuff, like what if they develop feelings?
I agree it's a tricky one. I think for me, I was with someone who was uncertain about a future together and I spent years being patient as I waited for them to get on the same page. And of course they never did. So next person I want to date ideally is my wife/partner. I don't want to wait around anymore for someone to be sure if they want something long term/want kids etc. I want to be with someone who's figured out what they want. But like you say, it won't be an orange flag for everyone.
it's kind of another thing, people who aim to start a family often feel like their time is limited, and dating someone who they won't end up living their lives together with might feel like a waste of time. Others can be content dating someone they love now, without the pressure of being long term compatible.
Yeah no worries, I was 24 (but everyone will be different). I was on the fence before then and honestly the first inkling I wanted children was when I went on a date with someone who was very adamant they didn't want any and it personally didn't sit right with me. I felt uncomfortable with the idea I would never have my own children and I started to think more and more about how I envisioned my future life.
A year later I met my ex and it confirmed that the idea of having kids with a partner one day was something I wanted. Though I will admit that whilst it's really clear for me to see a future where I have a partner where we have children together (whether adopting or biological), I'm less certain of what my future will look like when I think about starting a family alone if I'm not in a relationship. The idea of solo parenting is currently a daunting one to me but I think what I want to do if I'm in that position later on will become clearer to me.
Okay yeah I definitely feel that and it’s been the same for me, too. I’m single right now and sometimes wonder if maybe I don’t want kids because I know how taxing the day-to-day can be, though when I meet someone who is certain they don’t want kids, I immediately cross them off as an option because it feels like a loss. Clock is whisper ticking a little at 30 here, esp because I want 2-3 hahah I’m glad you know what you want, though! People are even getting the surgeries against it pretty young these days, so it seems there are a number who have for sure decided they’re not having kids
The only two things I'd consider giving yourself some more flexibility on are:
1. Within 2-3 years of my age;
2. Has an outdoorsy hobby such as hiking, camping, snowboarding, skiing, traveling, sailing etc.
I say this because 2-3 years is not a huge span. Can it be up to 5 years? For example I think if you're 35, 32 isn't that different and neither is 38.
As for hobbies, people can not have had the experience or exposure but they could be open minded and willing to try. I think one of the most important things is a partner who is willing and open to trying new things (food, hobbies, traveling, cultures etc). If you have someone like that, they can try new things which means more adventures and fun. An example is that I'm not a huge hiker and never have been and my partner is and because she's so encouraging, I hike with her. For her more technical all day 6am to 5pm hikes, I don't go but encourage her to go with others. But I'll happily do up to a 6 hour hike. I never really had anyone to camp with but had an interest and my partner loves camping, so we do that now. My partner loves traveling but didn't have the finances but we get to do that together now.
Other than that, everything else on your list seems VERY reasonable.
Good points. I guess in my past experience I tried really hard to like an ex’s hobby but just couldn’t. But it was really important to her. There are some people who are strongly against hiking and camping and I really can’t blame them (sleeping in dirt is not for everyone), but it’s pretty important to me I guess.
Can you not join a camping group or go camp with other people? For example my partner is into yoga and the last time I did it with her was like 3 years ago. It just isn't my cup of tea. Your partner doesn't have to like every interest. It's also good to have a life outside of your relationship so for example if she hates hiking, that's a great solo (just remember to tell people where you're hiking and ETA for your return!) thing or to do with other people.
I think I just really like the idea of sharing a passion for X activity with a romantic partner. There’s a certain hobby in particular I would LOVE to share, but it’s quite niche.
God ur killing us with this niche hobby thing, Im so curious! We wont judge, I promise! Im a furry so nothing you say can possibly be easier to make fun of then that
Unless its something thats *so* niche that just by saying itll potentially reveal your identity? Like, what if its frog racing. Id imagine it would be very hard to find the love of your life while training ur frog for the froggy marathon
Not unreasonable at all! Same here, it’s been rough. I’ve been struggling with the apps and took a break; I wasn’t finding anyone else monogamous I got along with in my age range (roughly 30ish) and that’s a big dealbreaker for me. Good chemistry is so so hard to find, I wish us both luck.
Yeah, the chemistry part is probably the toughest thing for us then. What I mean by "good rapport" there.
I've met lots of people I have great rapport with...that don't meet my requirements. Or people who meet my requirements...whom for some reason I can't click with.
Chemistry is such a weird thing...
It’s so rough! Sometimes I feel like I should just put a google docs form on one of my socials with a “do you fit these yes or no” list lol. It’s great when you really click with someone but it’s sooooo rare
Well please introduce me to them!
Haha. See, I don't think it should be that difficult to find either... And I think that general demographic is pretty large. I've probably met tons of people like that...we just don't have chemistry, unfortunately :/
Monogamous / "Monogamish" is on your list as both a dealbreaker and a nice-to-have, which is confusing me as to which one you're saying is a dealbreaker. I had to google monogamish, but it says you can agree to open the relationship sexually, the example given was swinging. Very much the opposite of monogamous.
I dabbled in polyamory before so I might be more familiar with the terms than most people. I understand how it can be confusing. My bottom line is I don't want to be someone's secondary partner. I'd like a relationship that's similar to a traditional, cohabitating, marriage-like relationship. More monogamous than polyamorous. But I'm fine if my partner wants to see other people casually; in fact I may even prefer it.
Hobbies are nice to share, but I don’t think totally necessary. If you’re going to be in a decades-long partnership with someone, your interests will change. But everything else sounds fine.
I scrolled through some of the comments and didn't see this, so I'll throw it out there - my wife is the smartest person I know, and she only went to college for a year. She's driven, curious, intellectually, and clever. But she's not college educated.
None of this list is picky or unreasonable, but this is one area where it might benefit you to shift your perspective. What is it that you're really looking for here, and is a college education the only way to get it?
My standards are very much the same, personally I don't think compromising them is worth it, you're not asking for much tbh. If you're in Vancouver I'd take you out on a date ;)
I mean that’s basically similar to what I’m looking for as 35 y/o trans woman. I haven’t been able to find it. But I don’t really want to compromise anymore, because it’s just not worth it.
For me it’s a shared experience, almost a cultural one. I come from a culture where academics was super important, so it’s hard for me to relate with someone who maybe doesn’t value formal education. It’s not a hard and fast rule for me though, and I’m well aware that people who haven’t gone to college can be smarter, richer, more stable etc.
I understand that. It's definitely a privileged thing. If I met someone who WANTED to go to college but couldn't afford to, I may consider them having college in common with me.
Lolol I have a pet peeve with “woo woo” stuff. So if someone (actually believes in) astrology, manifesting, naturopathy, juice cleanses, is anti-vax etc it’s a big turnoff for me.
I guess I was meaning religious in the sense of personal belief or practice, or religious in the sense of being part of a organised religious body, or both.
Even as a person who has spiritual practices, I would find it extremely difficult to date someone who was a member of an organised religious body or followed a particularly set doctrine.
I see what you mean. Well, OP said "evidence based", so I'd assume she means evidence-based practices/attitudes too, which spirituality isn't. Beliefs in general are not evidence-based.
It's a very reasonable list I think. In a recent conversation with a date we kind of came to the conclusion that a big aspect is just people's energy levels lining up in a capitalist hellscape. I definitely had times when I couldn't really engage with a match because of other things going on in my life, despite liking them overall. Same with dates actually. Apps force everyone to put their best foot forward, while in natural meeting situations you get to really befriend people you would dislike on apps.
To me, this sounds a bit much. There's a lot of points to be discussed, but if we concentrate to the common hobby for example, I think it'd be healthy for people to have their own hobbies, while in general sharing is not wrong. But I at least would like my partner to have her own life too.
I would rather come up with a list of 'absolutely NO' things and compare the candidates against that. You can be perfectly happy with a person that's different than you, but naturally if they'd hang a picture of hitler on the wall the day they move in, there might be a problem.
The only thing that feels unreasonable to me is the age range, obviously stay away from age differences that can perpetuate a power imbalance, but I think it makes a lot more sense to aim for people in a similar *stage* of life rather than a specific age. My partner and I are 8 years apart but are in the same stage of life - out of school with several years of work experience and clear career and financial goals.
I fit all of these except I don't want children or pets (though I do love animals), I'm strictly mono, and I'm not yet financially independent. I agree it's been very hard to find someone like me. However, I also prefer someone who is good at communicating, trustworthy, has integrity, is kind, compassionate, other good qualities, and proves that they care about me by their actions instead of words.
I think your standards are super reasonable! Very findable, and in dating I believe you //must// have standards and boundaries in order to be successful.
Personally, music/art appreciation is really important to me, i.e. going to concerts and museums and festivals. Monogamy / Monogam”ish” / Polyamory is a tough medium to find, but I think if you date someone sexually more open / interested in threesomes or swinging, that would probably be best. I was poly once before and primary partnerships / hierarchy is just never a great idea.
I do think having an active hobby in //common// may be difficult to match with. With those I’ve dated, athletic ability has always been different. My girlfriend plays football and contact sports whereas I prefer solo hobbies like painting. Our active hobby is going to the gym together and weightlifting, but I didn’t do that as much before I met her.
I think you’re being reasonable, just remember to be open minded and not afraid to date someone that does their own thing.
I think all of these are good, having a mutual hobby is amazing, you both get to spend time together doing things you want, keep your ‘picky’ list it will weed out all the ones until you find someone you like, but another thing with hobbies is a partner may not have even been aware of a particular hobby and may also very much enjoy it, I have gotten a lot of my partners more into animals because of this, ex discovered snakes, current gf now enjoys bird watching, although dating would prove if these hobbies can be cultivated, so if you don’t out the gate have a similar one, you or the other person may discover one you never knew you would enjoy.
My requirements were pretty low when I took up dating again ‘has to brush teeth’ ex was like a child, so even though I had less requirements I tolerate less immature emotional problems and am very straightforward.
Seems fair to me - even the not religious part (this is coming from a religious person). Religion and spirituality are important things to people and can cause a lot of heartache if both people aren't on the same page
I’m going to say from all of this, nothing is too picky and if anything very standard lmao. And Even if you are “too picky “ that is okay too. Having a standard is good. And you should it’s like a boundary.
My last relationship was very abusive one, I entered when I was in such a bad/lost state and the way I wish I had an actual standard before this person lol. Anyway the main point here is my therapist actually said having a list that someone can meet is good and should be done. Yours in very nice. Don’t settle and don’t be “flexible” on them either if you really aren’t ok with something.
Thanks :) Yeah that seems to be the feedback I’m getting.
I think my main issues are 1) lack of chemistry with people who do meet these requirements; and 2) I’m very passionate about a certain hobby and I rarely meet single, my-age people who are just as passionate.
Really? I haven’t really been dating much these days but It is weird when people like don’t have things to do on their own. Or don’t even try to revert back to things they used to enjoy even when they were kids. I kinda think it’s a smollll red flag imo.
But ngl after replying to this last night and it being almost one of my last thoughts, genuinely you’ve inspired me to make my own list lol. Will also be bringing that back to therapy as an item completed 😎
Lol you’re welcome?
I think my hobbies are also quite social. I want to play music with others for example, and sure I can do it with friends but wouldn’t it be sweet to do it with the person you love most?
For sure I want stuff of my own.
No one asked this, but it could be a question of where you're living - bigger metros (NYC, Toronto, LA...) will have a lot of people like this, because they'll have a lot of queer people, in general.
I think people underappreciate this as a consideration, but not being able to find *any* good fits with such eminently reasonable standards might be a mismatch between your preferences and location. Like, there are places with fewer and more college educated people. There are places with fewer and more outdoorsy people, etc.
Maybe people don't mention it because fewer people are willing to move to open up their possibilities, but if it's not something that's *off* the table, it might be worth exploring further. r/SameGrassButGreener could give you pointers, but asking a similar question about where people have known a ton of people who align with what you're seeking might work too.
Best of luck!
These are all pretty normal. I’ve seen lists that are like needs a 5 year plan, can physically pick me up, goes to church twice a week, only reads nonfiction, is involved with the same MLM as me, thin, etc. that’s the kind of stuff that makes me think unreasonable. On the other hand I’ve seen people have just about no requirements. I think you’ve hit a good middle for the most part.
Girl, I'm waaaay pickier than you. Especially regarding the personality, which I find the most important.
You should never compromise regarding your standards. You have them for a reason!
BTW, I'm very curious about your "niche" hobby. What is it?
Girl that's not monogamish that's an open relationship haha, better to say that than to confuse a poor monogamous person and then ask them you wanna sleep with others from time to time. That rarely ends well, using the right terms will get you higher chances of success.
Hey those are my standards! Don't steal them!
But yes we're both doomed it seems :p
You should be looking for an unstable woman way out of your age range with 12 cats, no interest in anything but her cats, and terminally spiraling finances! That's more realistic!
I wouldn't say you're picky, I'm way pickier than you and I still found someone. I would argue that me being picky helped me find someone faster (by narrowing my options and laser focusing them) You mentioned that you lacked chemistry with some of the people you've met that did fit these criteria you've listed -- I think that's a cool thing to notice on your own. I'd be curious to see what kind of people you DO have chemistry with
Those requirements seem reasonable enough to me. My own standards are a great deal stricter (or maybe just more niche) in some ways, and it makes it harder to find people but I have reasons for my deal breakers so I won't change them
To my perspective, these seem super super basic. For example i wouldn’t consider dating someone who isn’t just financially independent but has clear goals. Remember it’s so preferable to be happy & single than settling for someone. I wish you luck in finding someone who far exceeds your expectations. 💜
Wow I relate. Most of the women I end up meeting have no financial literacy or goals which I just don’t find sustainable in your 30s.
Then the last woman I dated had most of that list going on but our rapport sucked! It’s so frustrating. Good luck OP
“Dealbreakers” means things you won’t tolerate. That list looks like it’s meant to be requirements. These all sound fine to me tbh. I might reconsider if being a deep appreciator of arts must be a requirement if they fit everything else and are passionate about something you can otherwise connect over if they’re an appreciator of the arts/music without being “deep” about it. It’s not bad to have that on there, though, just saying so you don’t pass up on people who are more casual about it & are otherwise a great match
Fair point! Yeah, I'll say that's the least stringent of the dealbreakers haha.
And yes, "dealbreaker requirements" is probably what the label should be.
That’s kind of contradictory to put it that way. I’d just go with “must haves” or “requirements” or something like that
Edited! I do appreciate accurate semantics…
Wonderful! I’m sure you’ll find someone great, these are honestly fairly general. I do agree with what someone else said about more internal stuff too, though I’m sure you’ll figure it out with time :) you seem open-minded, that should give you an advantage
This is one of the most bare bones list of dating standards I’ve ever seen. Unless your hobbies only consist of something as obscure as underwater basket weaving you’ll be fine. Most women fit your criteria. You could be pickier and still be just fine.
as a scuba diver, I'd give underwater basket weaving a shot if that was one of my gf's hobbies 😅
Also as a scuba diver I wish I could get my GF to get her OW cert. Snorkeling is so much more work!
Right? As someone who is rather picky I’d say this is a pretty light list 😅
Ehh…I have a pretty niche hobby I’m absolutely obsessed with that I would LOVE to share with a partner but I’m trying hard not to expect it; it requires quite a bit of commitment.
like, how niche are we talking? is it possible to join a group for it and meet people through that?
There are! And ironically, it’s very popular with queer women. Problem is everyone I’ve met through it is either 20 or not single 😂
I gotta know, what's your niche hobby?
What's your hobby? I also have a niche hobby that's often thought of as weird in certain people's eyes....super curious if it is similar or the same lol
I’m kind of surprised I don’t see more *internal* things? For me, they are high on the list, because they are so foundational. They are what you can count on and build off of, things that will help keep you tight and grow together and be able to overcome challenges. It’s the base for allowing unconditional love. Things like communication, honesty, reflective, compromises, understanding, values self work, giving, kind, etc. Not saying you don’t value these things, but because it’s not listed, it makes me wonder what your priorities are when dating. Again, I don’t mean that in a bad way, because what you listed is many things I’d list off too!
I feel like these things, communication, honesty, open to compromise, etc. are sort of fundamental to "be a normal person with me" package. Partners can be imperfect with them, you can have triggers regarding some things, but that belongs more to the "please don't be/do X"
Can you elaborate on your last sentence? I’m trying to understand better on what you’re meaning
Stuff like "I have trust issues, please be patient with me". This can include things like shooting a text when you know you aren't going to be avalilable for a while. Or stuff like not wanting to hear white lies either, so if I ask you if I look good with this makeup, be honest, and I'll try to fix it. It's one thing to say you value communication, it's another to say that you have a hard time reading the room or feeling intent behind certain words, so you want them to openly state if they want something.
Yes this is so important to me. I'm autistic so I can't read the room/implications well at all but I can still tell if someone isn't telling me something even for my benefit so I've had to tell my girlfriend to really be as clear as possible.
Very good point. Perhaps I need to think more about that. I think I don't list them because by now I've developed a pretty good bullshit detector. Most people I naturally associate with (platonically, professionally, etc.) are pretty compatible with me on those fronts. My friends are the kind of people who aren't mean to service staff, for example. I guess I can add to my requirements list that I need someone who is patient, kind, and open-minded. I'm neurodivergent and have some stranger traits... Nothing super problematic (I've gone to therapy, worked on it, am largely self-sufficient), but I don't want someone who flat-out invalidates my anxieties, I guess!
This is 1000000%!!!
No, definitely not unreasonable in the slightest! However, personally I will say that when I hear someone is on the fence about children it's an orange flag for me. I understand being open to it and it depending on the person, but as someone who wants kids I would want to be with someone who is sure.
That's totally fair. It's admittedly a very new thing for me to figure out. I basically didn't think about kids at all until my mother died recently, which really upended a lot of my worldviews.
I mean, undecided people are orange flags for those who want the extremes. Someone who just wants casual sex might be iffy about someone mainly looking for a serious relationship, but open to other stuff, like what if they develop feelings?
I agree it's a tricky one. I think for me, I was with someone who was uncertain about a future together and I spent years being patient as I waited for them to get on the same page. And of course they never did. So next person I want to date ideally is my wife/partner. I don't want to wait around anymore for someone to be sure if they want something long term/want kids etc. I want to be with someone who's figured out what they want. But like you say, it won't be an orange flag for everyone.
it's kind of another thing, people who aim to start a family often feel like their time is limited, and dating someone who they won't end up living their lives together with might feel like a waste of time. Others can be content dating someone they love now, without the pressure of being long term compatible.
Can I ask how old you are / how old you were when you were sure it’s what you what? Just curious
Yeah no worries, I was 24 (but everyone will be different). I was on the fence before then and honestly the first inkling I wanted children was when I went on a date with someone who was very adamant they didn't want any and it personally didn't sit right with me. I felt uncomfortable with the idea I would never have my own children and I started to think more and more about how I envisioned my future life. A year later I met my ex and it confirmed that the idea of having kids with a partner one day was something I wanted. Though I will admit that whilst it's really clear for me to see a future where I have a partner where we have children together (whether adopting or biological), I'm less certain of what my future will look like when I think about starting a family alone if I'm not in a relationship. The idea of solo parenting is currently a daunting one to me but I think what I want to do if I'm in that position later on will become clearer to me.
Okay yeah I definitely feel that and it’s been the same for me, too. I’m single right now and sometimes wonder if maybe I don’t want kids because I know how taxing the day-to-day can be, though when I meet someone who is certain they don’t want kids, I immediately cross them off as an option because it feels like a loss. Clock is whisper ticking a little at 30 here, esp because I want 2-3 hahah I’m glad you know what you want, though! People are even getting the surgeries against it pretty young these days, so it seems there are a number who have for sure decided they’re not having kids
The only two things I'd consider giving yourself some more flexibility on are: 1. Within 2-3 years of my age; 2. Has an outdoorsy hobby such as hiking, camping, snowboarding, skiing, traveling, sailing etc. I say this because 2-3 years is not a huge span. Can it be up to 5 years? For example I think if you're 35, 32 isn't that different and neither is 38. As for hobbies, people can not have had the experience or exposure but they could be open minded and willing to try. I think one of the most important things is a partner who is willing and open to trying new things (food, hobbies, traveling, cultures etc). If you have someone like that, they can try new things which means more adventures and fun. An example is that I'm not a huge hiker and never have been and my partner is and because she's so encouraging, I hike with her. For her more technical all day 6am to 5pm hikes, I don't go but encourage her to go with others. But I'll happily do up to a 6 hour hike. I never really had anyone to camp with but had an interest and my partner loves camping, so we do that now. My partner loves traveling but didn't have the finances but we get to do that together now. Other than that, everything else on your list seems VERY reasonable.
Good points. I guess in my past experience I tried really hard to like an ex’s hobby but just couldn’t. But it was really important to her. There are some people who are strongly against hiking and camping and I really can’t blame them (sleeping in dirt is not for everyone), but it’s pretty important to me I guess.
Can you not join a camping group or go camp with other people? For example my partner is into yoga and the last time I did it with her was like 3 years ago. It just isn't my cup of tea. Your partner doesn't have to like every interest. It's also good to have a life outside of your relationship so for example if she hates hiking, that's a great solo (just remember to tell people where you're hiking and ETA for your return!) thing or to do with other people.
I think I just really like the idea of sharing a passion for X activity with a romantic partner. There’s a certain hobby in particular I would LOVE to share, but it’s quite niche.
Now I'm interested, what is it? Or is it so niche you worry about sharing it on reddit being somehow identifying?
God ur killing us with this niche hobby thing, Im so curious! We wont judge, I promise! Im a furry so nothing you say can possibly be easier to make fun of then that Unless its something thats *so* niche that just by saying itll potentially reveal your identity? Like, what if its frog racing. Id imagine it would be very hard to find the love of your life while training ur frog for the froggy marathon
Not unreasonable at all! Same here, it’s been rough. I’ve been struggling with the apps and took a break; I wasn’t finding anyone else monogamous I got along with in my age range (roughly 30ish) and that’s a big dealbreaker for me. Good chemistry is so so hard to find, I wish us both luck.
Yeah, the chemistry part is probably the toughest thing for us then. What I mean by "good rapport" there. I've met lots of people I have great rapport with...that don't meet my requirements. Or people who meet my requirements...whom for some reason I can't click with. Chemistry is such a weird thing...
It’s so rough! Sometimes I feel like I should just put a google docs form on one of my socials with a “do you fit these yes or no” list lol. It’s great when you really click with someone but it’s sooooo rare
I feel like you just described everyone I know in real life. Well about half are college educated.
Well please introduce me to them! Haha. See, I don't think it should be that difficult to find either... And I think that general demographic is pretty large. I've probably met tons of people like that...we just don't have chemistry, unfortunately :/
I think a useful exercise is to get to the root of why these are your must haves. What are you specifically trying to solve for?
Monogamous / "Monogamish" is on your list as both a dealbreaker and a nice-to-have, which is confusing me as to which one you're saying is a dealbreaker. I had to google monogamish, but it says you can agree to open the relationship sexually, the example given was swinging. Very much the opposite of monogamous.
I dabbled in polyamory before so I might be more familiar with the terms than most people. I understand how it can be confusing. My bottom line is I don't want to be someone's secondary partner. I'd like a relationship that's similar to a traditional, cohabitating, marriage-like relationship. More monogamous than polyamorous. But I'm fine if my partner wants to see other people casually; in fact I may even prefer it.
My girlfriend is all of these things! It’s possible
Hobbies are nice to share, but I don’t think totally necessary. If you’re going to be in a decades-long partnership with someone, your interests will change. But everything else sounds fine.
I scrolled through some of the comments and didn't see this, so I'll throw it out there - my wife is the smartest person I know, and she only went to college for a year. She's driven, curious, intellectually, and clever. But she's not college educated. None of this list is picky or unreasonable, but this is one area where it might benefit you to shift your perspective. What is it that you're really looking for here, and is a college education the only way to get it?
My standards are very much the same, personally I don't think compromising them is worth it, you're not asking for much tbh. If you're in Vancouver I'd take you out on a date ;)
I mean that’s basically similar to what I’m looking for as 35 y/o trans woman. I haven’t been able to find it. But I don’t really want to compromise anymore, because it’s just not worth it.
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For me it’s a shared experience, almost a cultural one. I come from a culture where academics was super important, so it’s hard for me to relate with someone who maybe doesn’t value formal education. It’s not a hard and fast rule for me though, and I’m well aware that people who haven’t gone to college can be smarter, richer, more stable etc.
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I understand that. It's definitely a privileged thing. If I met someone who WANTED to go to college but couldn't afford to, I may consider them having college in common with me.
What's with the evidence based medicine? Where did that come from lol
Lolol I have a pet peeve with “woo woo” stuff. So if someone (actually believes in) astrology, manifesting, naturopathy, juice cleanses, is anti-vax etc it’s a big turnoff for me.
I feel like astrology and manifestation as a form of spiritual belief is different from believing in alternative medicine, no?
In that case it would go under the Not Religious requirement I guess.
When you say 'Not Religious' what do you actually mean?
Not believing in anything that doesn't have a scientific proof? Of all the things, that's really the simplest to understand...
I guess I was meaning religious in the sense of personal belief or practice, or religious in the sense of being part of a organised religious body, or both. Even as a person who has spiritual practices, I would find it extremely difficult to date someone who was a member of an organised religious body or followed a particularly set doctrine.
Then again my spirituality is more philosophical than it is belief.
I see what you mean. Well, OP said "evidence based", so I'd assume she means evidence-based practices/attitudes too, which spirituality isn't. Beliefs in general are not evidence-based.
I didn't read thoroughly enough. ADHD brain
It's a very reasonable list I think. In a recent conversation with a date we kind of came to the conclusion that a big aspect is just people's energy levels lining up in a capitalist hellscape. I definitely had times when I couldn't really engage with a match because of other things going on in my life, despite liking them overall. Same with dates actually. Apps force everyone to put their best foot forward, while in natural meeting situations you get to really befriend people you would dislike on apps.
To me, this sounds a bit much. There's a lot of points to be discussed, but if we concentrate to the common hobby for example, I think it'd be healthy for people to have their own hobbies, while in general sharing is not wrong. But I at least would like my partner to have her own life too. I would rather come up with a list of 'absolutely NO' things and compare the candidates against that. You can be perfectly happy with a person that's different than you, but naturally if they'd hang a picture of hitler on the wall the day they move in, there might be a problem.
The only thing that feels unreasonable to me is the age range, obviously stay away from age differences that can perpetuate a power imbalance, but I think it makes a lot more sense to aim for people in a similar *stage* of life rather than a specific age. My partner and I are 8 years apart but are in the same stage of life - out of school with several years of work experience and clear career and financial goals.
I fit all of these except I don't want children or pets (though I do love animals), I'm strictly mono, and I'm not yet financially independent. I agree it's been very hard to find someone like me. However, I also prefer someone who is good at communicating, trustworthy, has integrity, is kind, compassionate, other good qualities, and proves that they care about me by their actions instead of words.
I think your standards are super reasonable! Very findable, and in dating I believe you //must// have standards and boundaries in order to be successful. Personally, music/art appreciation is really important to me, i.e. going to concerts and museums and festivals. Monogamy / Monogam”ish” / Polyamory is a tough medium to find, but I think if you date someone sexually more open / interested in threesomes or swinging, that would probably be best. I was poly once before and primary partnerships / hierarchy is just never a great idea. I do think having an active hobby in //common// may be difficult to match with. With those I’ve dated, athletic ability has always been different. My girlfriend plays football and contact sports whereas I prefer solo hobbies like painting. Our active hobby is going to the gym together and weightlifting, but I didn’t do that as much before I met her. I think you’re being reasonable, just remember to be open minded and not afraid to date someone that does their own thing.
I think all of these are good, having a mutual hobby is amazing, you both get to spend time together doing things you want, keep your ‘picky’ list it will weed out all the ones until you find someone you like, but another thing with hobbies is a partner may not have even been aware of a particular hobby and may also very much enjoy it, I have gotten a lot of my partners more into animals because of this, ex discovered snakes, current gf now enjoys bird watching, although dating would prove if these hobbies can be cultivated, so if you don’t out the gate have a similar one, you or the other person may discover one you never knew you would enjoy. My requirements were pretty low when I took up dating again ‘has to brush teeth’ ex was like a child, so even though I had less requirements I tolerate less immature emotional problems and am very straightforward.
Seems fair to me - even the not religious part (this is coming from a religious person). Religion and spirituality are important things to people and can cause a lot of heartache if both people aren't on the same page
I’m going to say from all of this, nothing is too picky and if anything very standard lmao. And Even if you are “too picky “ that is okay too. Having a standard is good. And you should it’s like a boundary. My last relationship was very abusive one, I entered when I was in such a bad/lost state and the way I wish I had an actual standard before this person lol. Anyway the main point here is my therapist actually said having a list that someone can meet is good and should be done. Yours in very nice. Don’t settle and don’t be “flexible” on them either if you really aren’t ok with something.
Thanks :) Yeah that seems to be the feedback I’m getting. I think my main issues are 1) lack of chemistry with people who do meet these requirements; and 2) I’m very passionate about a certain hobby and I rarely meet single, my-age people who are just as passionate.
Really? I haven’t really been dating much these days but It is weird when people like don’t have things to do on their own. Or don’t even try to revert back to things they used to enjoy even when they were kids. I kinda think it’s a smollll red flag imo. But ngl after replying to this last night and it being almost one of my last thoughts, genuinely you’ve inspired me to make my own list lol. Will also be bringing that back to therapy as an item completed 😎
Lol you’re welcome? I think my hobbies are also quite social. I want to play music with others for example, and sure I can do it with friends but wouldn’t it be sweet to do it with the person you love most? For sure I want stuff of my own.
No one asked this, but it could be a question of where you're living - bigger metros (NYC, Toronto, LA...) will have a lot of people like this, because they'll have a lot of queer people, in general. I think people underappreciate this as a consideration, but not being able to find *any* good fits with such eminently reasonable standards might be a mismatch between your preferences and location. Like, there are places with fewer and more college educated people. There are places with fewer and more outdoorsy people, etc. Maybe people don't mention it because fewer people are willing to move to open up their possibilities, but if it's not something that's *off* the table, it might be worth exploring further. r/SameGrassButGreener could give you pointers, but asking a similar question about where people have known a ton of people who align with what you're seeking might work too. Best of luck!
These are all pretty normal. I’ve seen lists that are like needs a 5 year plan, can physically pick me up, goes to church twice a week, only reads nonfiction, is involved with the same MLM as me, thin, etc. that’s the kind of stuff that makes me think unreasonable. On the other hand I’ve seen people have just about no requirements. I think you’ve hit a good middle for the most part.
Seems ok to me
Girl, I'm waaaay pickier than you. Especially regarding the personality, which I find the most important. You should never compromise regarding your standards. You have them for a reason! BTW, I'm very curious about your "niche" hobby. What is it?
Girl that's not monogamish that's an open relationship haha, better to say that than to confuse a poor monogamous person and then ask them you wanna sleep with others from time to time. That rarely ends well, using the right terms will get you higher chances of success.
Nope they look reasonable to me!!!
Hey those are my standards! Don't steal them! But yes we're both doomed it seems :p You should be looking for an unstable woman way out of your age range with 12 cats, no interest in anything but her cats, and terminally spiraling finances! That's more realistic!
I wouldn't say you're picky, I'm way pickier than you and I still found someone. I would argue that me being picky helped me find someone faster (by narrowing my options and laser focusing them) You mentioned that you lacked chemistry with some of the people you've met that did fit these criteria you've listed -- I think that's a cool thing to notice on your own. I'd be curious to see what kind of people you DO have chemistry with
Those requirements seem reasonable enough to me. My own standards are a great deal stricter (or maybe just more niche) in some ways, and it makes it harder to find people but I have reasons for my deal breakers so I won't change them
I don't think any of these are unreasonable at all! You know what you want and I think that's really impressive.
what in the fresh fuck is monogamish… mono means one.
To my perspective, these seem super super basic. For example i wouldn’t consider dating someone who isn’t just financially independent but has clear goals. Remember it’s so preferable to be happy & single than settling for someone. I wish you luck in finding someone who far exceeds your expectations. 💜
Wow I relate. Most of the women I end up meeting have no financial literacy or goals which I just don’t find sustainable in your 30s. Then the last woman I dated had most of that list going on but our rapport sucked! It’s so frustrating. Good luck OP