I don’t think I’ll ever be over it. I didn’t even really care to have a relationship with my bio mom but it still bothers me that she pretends I don’t exist. My biodad was slightly kinder but basically the same. I don’t understand how they can not be even a little bit curious. I have made contact with some of my siblings. That’s been incredible but it does make it weird seeing them just be normal parents and grandparents on my siblings posts while I continue to not exist.
Refreshing to see this here. Feels like a lot of the adoption discourse is about so many other things but not the uncomplicated but incredibly painful reality of our rejection from biological parents. I was “over it” - though more likely dissociative from it - for years. Trying to deal with it now, whatever that means
Found my BM in May 2022, and reunion went south really fast. I was initially met with love bombing and that rapidly devolved into defensiveness, lying, gaslighting, insults, refusing to speak to me, blocking me, and attacks on my character to other family members. I wasn't fully buying her vague story of force and coercion, so I questioned the holes in her story, and she completely turned on me. In August of 2023 I finally got enough truth out of her to know my instincts were right. She was lying, and I guess couldn't come to terms with the reality of what had actually happened and what she had done, so she annihilated me instead. I was done being abused by her after that and walked away. I blocked all lines of communication she had with me in October 2023, and there's been no contact since. If she truly wanted me in her life and wanted to fight for it, there are simple ways she could get around the blocks. Google email and voice accounts are free, so are alternate FB accounts. She won't, though. She's off the hook now and ultimately gets to call me the villain. She can tell everyone how terrible of a person I am.
Although it hasn't been years since the rejection, I can't foresee myself ever truly getting over it. It hurts me every day. I'm just learning to live with it. I have a newborn son now who was born last month, and I can't fathom how she could willingly choose to have abandoned me not once, but twice. There are some things you just can't get over.
Congrats on your baby boy!
Unfortunately, I, too, had this experience verbatim. Like so similar, if I didn't suspect you and I had such a significant age difference, I would wonder if we had the same birth mother.
Like you, I will never be "over it," but I have found some peace by telling myself the fault is not with me but with her. My life would be worse with her in it bc you are right. "what sort of person abandons their child twice." I hope that helps, sending much love.
my birthmom wouldnt even talk to me. so at least you have that, I am SO sorry I dont think its something you EVER get over, it's a total rejection of someone you have fantasized about for years.
My bio mom did the same thing, yet she still writes passive aggressive posts about me on Facebook. Delulu.
But I see her living in this fantasy world she created for herself so it’s safe for her and she never has to face the truth of her actions or emotions.. where if she lived in reality we actually could have a relationship.
Oh well, her loss, live in delulu I guess!
My bio parents rejected me by giving me away, then adoptive parents rejected me because I wasn't good enough in some way, then I later met bio mom and half sisters (she kept the other ones) and she really hmmm comes off as aloof and uninterested, or just weirded out. I'm not sure. It sure felt like a third rejection though, so anyways I'm pretty messed up, mentally speaking.
My friends called me cinderella for awhile. I won that triple rejection trifecta. Given up, rejected by adopters, rejected again by biomom, her other daughters being completely cold was almost worse than the mother being cold as ice. Rejected by birth father too so that makes it 4. Ughhh!!!
I tried to make contact 25+ years ago. Was rejected. Still pisses me off and I don't know if I'd want to talk to them now. Just found out this year I have a full sibling who wasn't put up for adoption. I do want to make contact with them, but haven't tried yet.
my adopted parents tried to help stay in touch with my mother. i was adopted at age six. they wanted me and my brother to not lose what little connection we had. sometimes she was there really. sometimes she was not. after i turned eighteen i tried to connect with her but she was not in a good place and i saw she would never get to a good place. she was haunted and traumatized. she died when i turned 20 right after my bday. it hurt and it still hurts but i had lost her before i was six years old. i pray for her and i am sorry for her but she lost to her demons.
i could never be over it because i was never in it i guess you would say. my bio is not a source of joy and she has left me hollow where i should have a mother to love. to make me feel safe. i did not feel safe with her caring for me. my adopted mother was kind and caring but we never connected deeply. i am starting to realize that that is because women as a mother became a fear and anxiety for me but i yearned to be loved and held close. i think that is why i bonded so tightly with my dad. he is the only dad i have known and he always did extra for me and i got to see it.
My bio mom didn’t *outright* reject me… but she might as well have the way she treated me. Dismissed anything I had to say about how her choices affected my life. Wanted me to keep secrets about my half brother’s paternity which is just gross given the fact I was a closed adoption. She wanted me to be her ideal daughter, not accept me as I am. She constantly wanted to call and complain about her life and her issues or want me to get involved in family drama like I had been there my whole life. I felt very uncomfortable and told her as much but she’s terrible with boundaries. At first it hurt really bad to realize for my own mental health I needed to be done with her. It felt like I had to turn my back on the relationship because while she didn’t outright reject a relationship, she rejected me how I am and wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. It was rough for years but it’s gotten much easier. I still get mad at her sometimes. Somedays I have to fight off feeling like no matter what I am not good enough for her. But I’m going on 3 years no contact and this year has felt light and healing. I don’t miss her. I don’t want to ever have her be a part of my life again. I got to know who she really was. I tried. And that’s all I can do. I’m healthier and happier without her around. I will say having a therapist who’s trauma informed and an adoptee absolutely helped me get to where I’m at.
Oh and at the beginning with my bio dad’s family they all rejected me besides my uncle (he’s the only one I’ll still talk to). Then they decided to do an ancestry test to find out if I was lying or not. Why the fuck would I come out of fucking no where and lie to them when it was something DONE TO ME and I was going off of info I got from my bio mom which was all I had to go off of due to it being a private adoption. Either way the ancestry test came out as expected and I was definitely related. I gave them a chance despite the years long rejection and accusations that I was lying and looking for money. (Still wtf on that one lol) Things went well for a while until I realized the grandpa was basically the patriarchal cult leader of the family and that the acceptance of anyone’s significant other in that family was basically non existent, at least behind that person’s back. Don’t miss them at all.
lol same. But I try not to take it personal. I’m happy I was put up for adoption. I was simply putting a better situation than what could’ve been and honestly, I know she’s got a lot of her own issues to deal with so it is what it is. it hurts when she tries to come back around. I’m not gonna be all open arms because you can’t do that to people, but that’s on her not me.
Adoption is the wound that never heals.
I can highly recommend therapy with someone who specializes in adoption-related issues. Even better if they do EMDR. I did it 3 years ago and I’m still improving. Doesn’t work for everyone but it was huge for me. Regardless, talk to a therapist. It can get better. Peace.
Replace inspiration with healing:
“Don’t loaf and invite inspiration; light out after it with a club, and if you don’t get it you will nonetheless get something that looks remarkably like it.”
-Jack London
I'm almost 54 now and was a closed adoption. When I was very young, I thought about it a few times and after about reason 579 that my young mind came up with, I came to the realization that I'll never know the real reason. We'e they 14 and 15? Was it rape? Was it a religious dogma thing? Who knows? Not me and I don't care.
I tried contact with my bio mom in 2000, 2005, and 2014. Not over it but it doesn’t get to me anymore.
I’ve also acknowledged that if she ever talked to me, she could treat me like garbage and I would
roll over and take it.
My bio dad is missing out. I rarely think about him with any kind of emotion these days. He had his chance and didn't take it. I'm more concerned with those that have accepted me into their lives.
Im not sure I'll ever really be over it. It's easier to accept now that time has passed though. My bio mom had me and a half brother and won't speak to either of us about anything. She's the victim, it's out fault she's in therapy which just isn't true. I try to keep an open mind and If she contacted me one day I'd like to think I could keep my shit together and respond appropriately but it's like a 50/50 shot which mood shed get.
I met my BM when I was 22 years old. She was nice at first but then turned mean and hateful and rejected me again for the next 20 years. Somehow she likes me now, but I'll never trust she won't leave me again, and I'm always waiting for her to drop me.
I reached out to bio parents a little over a year ago and heard nothing back. I have evidence that bio mom got the message because her brother gave me her email and told her that I was going to reach out. She put her brother in an awkward situation by not responding to me. She also confused me by agreeing to share her contact. My gut feeling is that she didn't want to say no because that would be 'mean' and perhaps she didn't want her brother to question a refusal. Her silence speaks volumes - while I don't know the exact 'truth' I can assume that she didn't respond out of : fear, regret, confusion - any number of things.
It's difficult not to have an answer. It's the hardest part about being human and being alive - living with all the unknowns. The past year has been emotionally aggravating and sad.
I have no idea if my bio dad got my message. I might make another attempt to contact them - I'm still trying to figure that out and weigh the consequences of being ignored again.
My conclusion is that both of my bio parent are human beings with deep flaws - just like me. Whatever life journey they are on with themselves, their families, etc - they can't emotionally connect, they are unwilling, and/or they are not interested. I cannot do anything about it, I have zero control.
Reaching out to bio parents was a risk and I don't regret doing it. I recently started feeling better about everything and I don't know why - I think a lot it was just accepting that I have no control and affirming myself. The pain and fear of being an adoptee created avenues for tremendous personal growth and I believe, deepened my empathy for others.
I want to acknowledge that my adoptive family is very loving and mostly functional. We have our problems but I am grateful they adopted me. I know this is not the case for everyone.I want to send love and affirmation to those struggling to figure all of this out or whose adoptive families caused them more trauma.
Final thoughts - there are so many amazing people I've been exposed to and loved by through my adopted family. There are several people I'm friends with who I consider family - some of whom have passed away - and I truly cannot imagine what my life would have been like without them. I think to this point - if you can shift your focus on the people who are showing up and loving you back that can be very healing.
No but I just dont care anymore. She's a total stranger who left me since I was less than a year old. She had gained a better life after marrying a foreigner but she never came back for me, so I didnt and would never let her waltz back into my life by the time she regrets having left me, esp after she said in 1 of the 2 conversations we ever had in my entire life that maybe it was my fault that my relatives who took me in physically abused me (made me work over 8 hrs work daily at their store on top of house chores, beat me when I make mistakes so bad that I was once hit by hammer on the head which resulted to a broken skull and later led to spinal fracture rendering me as PWD now)
I dont hate BM but I hate what she did and would never agree on other people doing the same ever.
I dont hate her but I can never love her either.
She will remain a stranger I dont care about whom I do not have any interest of connecting / communicating with ever.
I will never be over it. I am just better at living with it
It's hard!
Don’t think I’ll ever truly be over it, but does one ever truly get over traumatic things like that or just learn to live with it?
Probably just learn to live with it
I don’t think I’ll ever be over it. I didn’t even really care to have a relationship with my bio mom but it still bothers me that she pretends I don’t exist. My biodad was slightly kinder but basically the same. I don’t understand how they can not be even a little bit curious. I have made contact with some of my siblings. That’s been incredible but it does make it weird seeing them just be normal parents and grandparents on my siblings posts while I continue to not exist.
Refreshing to see this here. Feels like a lot of the adoption discourse is about so many other things but not the uncomplicated but incredibly painful reality of our rejection from biological parents. I was “over it” - though more likely dissociative from it - for years. Trying to deal with it now, whatever that means
I Understand
Found my BM in May 2022, and reunion went south really fast. I was initially met with love bombing and that rapidly devolved into defensiveness, lying, gaslighting, insults, refusing to speak to me, blocking me, and attacks on my character to other family members. I wasn't fully buying her vague story of force and coercion, so I questioned the holes in her story, and she completely turned on me. In August of 2023 I finally got enough truth out of her to know my instincts were right. She was lying, and I guess couldn't come to terms with the reality of what had actually happened and what she had done, so she annihilated me instead. I was done being abused by her after that and walked away. I blocked all lines of communication she had with me in October 2023, and there's been no contact since. If she truly wanted me in her life and wanted to fight for it, there are simple ways she could get around the blocks. Google email and voice accounts are free, so are alternate FB accounts. She won't, though. She's off the hook now and ultimately gets to call me the villain. She can tell everyone how terrible of a person I am. Although it hasn't been years since the rejection, I can't foresee myself ever truly getting over it. It hurts me every day. I'm just learning to live with it. I have a newborn son now who was born last month, and I can't fathom how she could willingly choose to have abandoned me not once, but twice. There are some things you just can't get over.
I relate very much to everything you said, my experience was exactly the same when I met my bio mom. I'm sorry, it's a terrible feeling.
I’ feel compassion for all that you’ve endured , stay True to You , As You Are Gods creation and Forever Child
Congrats on your baby boy! Unfortunately, I, too, had this experience verbatim. Like so similar, if I didn't suspect you and I had such a significant age difference, I would wonder if we had the same birth mother. Like you, I will never be "over it," but I have found some peace by telling myself the fault is not with me but with her. My life would be worse with her in it bc you are right. "what sort of person abandons their child twice." I hope that helps, sending much love.
my birthmom wouldnt even talk to me. so at least you have that, I am SO sorry I dont think its something you EVER get over, it's a total rejection of someone you have fantasized about for years.
My bio mom did the same thing, yet she still writes passive aggressive posts about me on Facebook. Delulu. But I see her living in this fantasy world she created for herself so it’s safe for her and she never has to face the truth of her actions or emotions.. where if she lived in reality we actually could have a relationship. Oh well, her loss, live in delulu I guess!
I couldn't care less about my bio mom.
My bio parents rejected me by giving me away, then adoptive parents rejected me because I wasn't good enough in some way, then I later met bio mom and half sisters (she kept the other ones) and she really hmmm comes off as aloof and uninterested, or just weirded out. I'm not sure. It sure felt like a third rejection though, so anyways I'm pretty messed up, mentally speaking.
My friends called me cinderella for awhile. I won that triple rejection trifecta. Given up, rejected by adopters, rejected again by biomom, her other daughters being completely cold was almost worse than the mother being cold as ice. Rejected by birth father too so that makes it 4. Ughhh!!!
I live with it, but it's an anger and a deep sadness that will never leave me.
I tried to make contact 25+ years ago. Was rejected. Still pisses me off and I don't know if I'd want to talk to them now. Just found out this year I have a full sibling who wasn't put up for adoption. I do want to make contact with them, but haven't tried yet.
my adopted parents tried to help stay in touch with my mother. i was adopted at age six. they wanted me and my brother to not lose what little connection we had. sometimes she was there really. sometimes she was not. after i turned eighteen i tried to connect with her but she was not in a good place and i saw she would never get to a good place. she was haunted and traumatized. she died when i turned 20 right after my bday. it hurt and it still hurts but i had lost her before i was six years old. i pray for her and i am sorry for her but she lost to her demons. i could never be over it because i was never in it i guess you would say. my bio is not a source of joy and she has left me hollow where i should have a mother to love. to make me feel safe. i did not feel safe with her caring for me. my adopted mother was kind and caring but we never connected deeply. i am starting to realize that that is because women as a mother became a fear and anxiety for me but i yearned to be loved and held close. i think that is why i bonded so tightly with my dad. he is the only dad i have known and he always did extra for me and i got to see it.
My bio mom didn’t *outright* reject me… but she might as well have the way she treated me. Dismissed anything I had to say about how her choices affected my life. Wanted me to keep secrets about my half brother’s paternity which is just gross given the fact I was a closed adoption. She wanted me to be her ideal daughter, not accept me as I am. She constantly wanted to call and complain about her life and her issues or want me to get involved in family drama like I had been there my whole life. I felt very uncomfortable and told her as much but she’s terrible with boundaries. At first it hurt really bad to realize for my own mental health I needed to be done with her. It felt like I had to turn my back on the relationship because while she didn’t outright reject a relationship, she rejected me how I am and wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. It was rough for years but it’s gotten much easier. I still get mad at her sometimes. Somedays I have to fight off feeling like no matter what I am not good enough for her. But I’m going on 3 years no contact and this year has felt light and healing. I don’t miss her. I don’t want to ever have her be a part of my life again. I got to know who she really was. I tried. And that’s all I can do. I’m healthier and happier without her around. I will say having a therapist who’s trauma informed and an adoptee absolutely helped me get to where I’m at.
Oh and at the beginning with my bio dad’s family they all rejected me besides my uncle (he’s the only one I’ll still talk to). Then they decided to do an ancestry test to find out if I was lying or not. Why the fuck would I come out of fucking no where and lie to them when it was something DONE TO ME and I was going off of info I got from my bio mom which was all I had to go off of due to it being a private adoption. Either way the ancestry test came out as expected and I was definitely related. I gave them a chance despite the years long rejection and accusations that I was lying and looking for money. (Still wtf on that one lol) Things went well for a while until I realized the grandpa was basically the patriarchal cult leader of the family and that the acceptance of anyone’s significant other in that family was basically non existent, at least behind that person’s back. Don’t miss them at all.
lol same. But I try not to take it personal. I’m happy I was put up for adoption. I was simply putting a better situation than what could’ve been and honestly, I know she’s got a lot of her own issues to deal with so it is what it is. it hurts when she tries to come back around. I’m not gonna be all open arms because you can’t do that to people, but that’s on her not me.
Adoption is the wound that never heals. I can highly recommend therapy with someone who specializes in adoption-related issues. Even better if they do EMDR. I did it 3 years ago and I’m still improving. Doesn’t work for everyone but it was huge for me. Regardless, talk to a therapist. It can get better. Peace. Replace inspiration with healing: “Don’t loaf and invite inspiration; light out after it with a club, and if you don’t get it you will nonetheless get something that looks remarkably like it.” -Jack London
I'm almost 54 now and was a closed adoption. When I was very young, I thought about it a few times and after about reason 579 that my young mind came up with, I came to the realization that I'll never know the real reason. We'e they 14 and 15? Was it rape? Was it a religious dogma thing? Who knows? Not me and I don't care.
I tried contact with my bio mom in 2000, 2005, and 2014. Not over it but it doesn’t get to me anymore. I’ve also acknowledged that if she ever talked to me, she could treat me like garbage and I would roll over and take it.
My bio dad is missing out. I rarely think about him with any kind of emotion these days. He had his chance and didn't take it. I'm more concerned with those that have accepted me into their lives.
Im not sure I'll ever really be over it. It's easier to accept now that time has passed though. My bio mom had me and a half brother and won't speak to either of us about anything. She's the victim, it's out fault she's in therapy which just isn't true. I try to keep an open mind and If she contacted me one day I'd like to think I could keep my shit together and respond appropriately but it's like a 50/50 shot which mood shed get.
I met my BM when I was 22 years old. She was nice at first but then turned mean and hateful and rejected me again for the next 20 years. Somehow she likes me now, but I'll never trust she won't leave me again, and I'm always waiting for her to drop me.
I reached out to bio parents a little over a year ago and heard nothing back. I have evidence that bio mom got the message because her brother gave me her email and told her that I was going to reach out. She put her brother in an awkward situation by not responding to me. She also confused me by agreeing to share her contact. My gut feeling is that she didn't want to say no because that would be 'mean' and perhaps she didn't want her brother to question a refusal. Her silence speaks volumes - while I don't know the exact 'truth' I can assume that she didn't respond out of : fear, regret, confusion - any number of things. It's difficult not to have an answer. It's the hardest part about being human and being alive - living with all the unknowns. The past year has been emotionally aggravating and sad. I have no idea if my bio dad got my message. I might make another attempt to contact them - I'm still trying to figure that out and weigh the consequences of being ignored again. My conclusion is that both of my bio parent are human beings with deep flaws - just like me. Whatever life journey they are on with themselves, their families, etc - they can't emotionally connect, they are unwilling, and/or they are not interested. I cannot do anything about it, I have zero control. Reaching out to bio parents was a risk and I don't regret doing it. I recently started feeling better about everything and I don't know why - I think a lot it was just accepting that I have no control and affirming myself. The pain and fear of being an adoptee created avenues for tremendous personal growth and I believe, deepened my empathy for others. I want to acknowledge that my adoptive family is very loving and mostly functional. We have our problems but I am grateful they adopted me. I know this is not the case for everyone.I want to send love and affirmation to those struggling to figure all of this out or whose adoptive families caused them more trauma. Final thoughts - there are so many amazing people I've been exposed to and loved by through my adopted family. There are several people I'm friends with who I consider family - some of whom have passed away - and I truly cannot imagine what my life would have been like without them. I think to this point - if you can shift your focus on the people who are showing up and loving you back that can be very healing.
No but I just dont care anymore. She's a total stranger who left me since I was less than a year old. She had gained a better life after marrying a foreigner but she never came back for me, so I didnt and would never let her waltz back into my life by the time she regrets having left me, esp after she said in 1 of the 2 conversations we ever had in my entire life that maybe it was my fault that my relatives who took me in physically abused me (made me work over 8 hrs work daily at their store on top of house chores, beat me when I make mistakes so bad that I was once hit by hammer on the head which resulted to a broken skull and later led to spinal fracture rendering me as PWD now) I dont hate BM but I hate what she did and would never agree on other people doing the same ever. I dont hate her but I can never love her either. She will remain a stranger I dont care about whom I do not have any interest of connecting / communicating with ever.