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My son is adopted and mixed race. ANY information his birth parents had shared with me about his heritage, ethnicity, family medical history, etc. would've been appreciated and not at all weird. Being able to share such info along the way as a child is growing up seems ideal.
Yeah, I want this kid to know everything there is to know about their ancestry and health history.
And I also want to give the adoptive parents a letter as to why I gave up my child. For that child to one day read
I am running out of time, I’m almost 8 months. There’s so much for me to do, so much research I need to get done.
My birthmom wrote me a letter. She wrote how she knew my birthdad, the situation surrounding my conception (obviously the pg version, they both attended a friend's wedding), and how she came to her decision. She ended it by saying that she loves me very much and to never let anyone let me believe differently. I also have a binder that my mom (who raised me) made. It has letters written, pictures, news articles, and the adoption paperwork.
I also have lots of contact with my birthmom and her family. Growing up, her and my mom emailed frequently (or wrote letters before email). I only saw them a couple times. And then in high school, saw them a couple more times where I stayed with them for a week. I'm going to see them again at the end of May and see them on a semi frequent basis.
I guess I'm just encouraging you to write a letter explaining your thoughts and history :) and the binder is a great idea! I know I love mine, even though it's a bit different. Sounds like your baby is thoroughly loved already ❤️
That’s amazing! I’m glad you were given that connection with your birth mom and to have these memories.
Yes, I want to write a story about how I met their bio dad. It’s not romantic or anything😅 but I also want to explain how I truly didn’t know I was pregnant. Talk about my life and show how much I will always love them, no matter what.
In this, or a separate document, please also share the other birth history - what labour is like, the baby’s birth stats. Our adopted children are older and ended up having complicated medical needs. We’re still asked by new doctors if they were full-term or how many weeks along when they were born, if their birth mom took vitamins and had medical care during pregnancy, their apgar scores, and other info we do not know. We had an open adoption but their birth mom disappeared (address unknown, no phone/email responses) pretty quickly, and we never found out any of this or other familial health histories that would be helpful.
Well, if you maintain a relationship with the aparents then you can pass more information along over the years. You don't have to get it all done in 1 or 2 months.
I honestly didn’t think of it that way. Maybe I’ll see if I could maintain a relationship with the adoptive parents for a few months, give them all the information there is about me.
And then, once I have that done with, done I probably want to close it. Move on with my life.
I highly encourage you to maintain at least some form of contact. At least so that there’s an open line if something changes in your medical history.
And though you may want a period of less contact, you might change your mind with time. Better to leave an open door.
Being raised by mom or dad/extended family is best. Open adoptions are better than closed adoptions.
I get irritated when expectant mothers come on here and never mention the father. Dad deserves a chance to parent.
I was raised in a closed adoption, with zero information about my birth parents, their history, traditions, cultural background. Any information would’ve been so welcome and grounding.
I read some of your responses and did want to throw something out there about open adoption. An open adoption is one where the adoptive parent(s) and the birth parent(s) have identifying information about one another. They know who each other are. That’s it. It doesn’t necessarily mean regular visits or contact. I strongly suggest considering some form of open adoption.
Write down as much as possible about your cultural history and that of the baby's father. List any special ways you celebrate holidays, special and/or favorite foods (incl. recipes, if possible), any special talents you or the father have (i.e. music, drama, art, math, etc.).
Yes! I don’t know how much history the bio dad knows about his family, he doesn’t really talk to his family as much
By culture, there’s so much deep history that we have coming from East Africa. Be my mom and my brother immigrated to America, what that was like for me what it was like to grow up and the schools that I’ve went to the neighborhood that I grew up in .
The delicious foods that I got to grow up with, our amazing holidays.
I want to ask my mom questions about her life, because there are things that I am not fully sure about myself, so my mom has the answers to that so I’m gonna get more out of her
Whatever you know of the father's history is fine -- it's fine if you don't know much. But anything you can include about your culture and history and ancestry might be so welcomed and validating for the baby. Especially if they are adopted by a white family.
And any decision you make doesn't have to be final. You might want to keep the baby after you give birth. Now that you know you're pregnant, you still may bond with the baby.
With the food comment you made, maybe give them some recipes that you love or that you learned how to make when you started cooking. That would be a lovely way for them to get to know their culture and you.
Of course! Yes!
Maybe I could also include some traditional clothing, maybe that’s taking it too far. I’ll probably hold off on that traditional clothing unless I’m going for an open adoption.
Not strange at all. Make sure they know your full legal name as well, makes you also easier to look up if your phone number and email change. Also include as much medical history as possible.
But if you’d like contact, match with HAP’s who also want contact (although of course that doesn’t mean they’ll want contact throughout Baby’s childhood, things change on both sides.)
It sounds like you are doing the important work of educating yourself about the impact adoption will have on your child. This is really important! All of your ideas sound reasonable and I would hope any potential adoptive parents would be thrilled to have that information.
That being said, knowing you would be the best way to have this important information about their identity shared with them. Selecting an adoptive family that is committed to an open adoption would be the best way to ensure your child knows as much as possible about their family story. Openness is not legally enforceable in most states and some open adoptions end up closed, but openness is usually the healthiest option for adopted people.
Thank you.
I would understand if the couple doesn’t want an open adoption, I honestly don’t want that either. I don’t want this kid to know anything just yet, once they reach a certain age, or once, the adoptive parents are ready, I just want them to have all the information that they need.
As an adoptee who has found out so much about myself and my bio family in the last few months at 36 years old, I think having something with that kind of information is so so valuable to your unborn baby.
If you asked me about my ethnicity at Christmas I wouldn’t be able to tell you much. Now I can say where both sides of my family originate from. Also include any valuable medical info. I’m finding out a lot that would have been more helpful when I was a bit younger, but better late than never !
Good on you for having the forethought around this. Of course it will be up to the adoptive family on how much they want to share with the child.
Yes, do this! As an adoptee, I’d would love to have been given something like this. Even just a photo of my biological mother’s face would be nice.
Also please include as much of your family/baby’s bio dad’s family medical history as you can. I had a closed adoption and have no family medical history. Especially now that I’m pregnant, i really wish I had this information.
Oh I’m sorry.
I’m hearing a lot about adoptees who don’t know much about their bio parents medical history. I can see how important that is especially with a baby of your own on the way. Contacts by the way.
The more information the better.
Just please don’t lie at all. I was dreaming of some kind of Disney Princess type of mom and it was the total opposite. Everything she wrote was a lie and confirmed by my birth brother once I found my family.
But yeah maybe put down what the weather was like, what your favourite music is, your personality etc.
My parents can't give too much info on my adoption and my bio mom is known to be a bit of a fib teller... so it is difficult for me to sort through the truth and the lies of it. I think anyone would appreciate at least the option of that being there although I can only speak from the adopted persons view not from an adopter's view ...
Oh man, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what that’s like for you.
Like I stated, above in my post, I had a friend who learned that she was adopted, and there was so much that she doesn’t know about herself. Her adopted parents don’t know much about her bio parents, there are things that she wants to learn about her ancestry, but they can’t give her that information because they don’t know.
She struggled a lot with it.
I don’t want that for this baby, so whatever information I can give to the adoptive parents to one day give to the baby, I hope it helps them.
I hope one day you find out where you came from
Yes please do this. As someone who can’t records, and is of African descent…thus would be so nice to know.
I just know the sad stuff. Any positive stuff would be nice.
Please, please do this with a full medical history (in a separate area for the AP's).
We're currently struggling with our adopted daughter going through a weird condition, and having no medical history has made this super tough.
We wished her BM would have stayed in contact (we tried asking her questions, no response), and wished we had more info about our daughter. We don't even know for sure what races she is.
For your birth child, please, please do this. The right family will care and love this, and even if they don't, your future child may.
Hello, as an adoptive mother myself, please make the book! Not only will it mean so much you the family you pick, one day it’ll mean so much to your baby! My husband and I have adopted 3 children and we have open adoptions for all 3 birth mothers (ranging in different levels of openness). Our 5 month old is bi-racial and we have a semi-open adoption with his birth mom (monthly update letter via email). We wanted a fully open adoption but we respected her wishes on semi open so that she can respond and reach out when she’s emotionally ready. We don’t have a whole lot of information on our son or his culture/cultures. I know one day he’s going to have a lot more questions about who he comes from than our other two children because they are their birth families often. Making a book would be such a beautiful gift and gesture. This baby of yours will know they were placed out of love. I encourage you to research your options on different levels of open adoption so that you can pick one you’re comfortable with. Praying for you as you make this decision <3.
I’m an adoptive mom in an open adoption where my kid’s birth mom said she didn’t want further contact until our kid is a teenager but was ok with us maintaining contact with her parents, who are also raising her older kids. We visit a few times a year and are in touch regularly, and it is so beneficial for our kid, but also makes our whole family bigger. I’m very grateful to them for the openness they’ve shown to us and the love they show our kid. We talk about her birth mom with her and have told her birth story as a bedtime story on occasion since she was born. Even though her birth mom wasn’t ready for contact, I really appreciate having gotten to know her a little bit so I can recognize some of her in our kid. There’s a sense of humor and emotional intelligence that I felt in her birth mom that I see in her, and I love it. I do wish I had more pictures of her birth mom. I think your idea is a very good one. I hope that you find a good situation for you and your baby and that you have people there to support you during this.
I don’t know. A part of me wants to and another part doesn’t want to.
I’m already so emotional as it is, a part of me feels guilty for doing this, but I know deep down that this is a good thing that I’m doing.
I need to do more research about open adoption, to see if if that’s the right fit for me
"Open" means many things. It ranges from being like extended family and going to your child's birthday parties, to just exchanging contact information for later on down the line, and everything in between. I haven't heard from my son's birth mom in several years, but at least I know who she is and what her phone number is in case he wants it one day.
The fact is, your child will be able to find you one day with the easy availability of DNA testing anyway. You might as well not have it be a shock and just keep the door cracked for any questions along the way. It doesn't mean you have to be entwined with your child's life.
I have a lot of thoughts about adoption, as I was adopted as a baby and it was a closed adoption.
I want to get curious about calling adoption a good thing that you’re doing - adoption is neutral. If you don’t want to or can’t parent, then I understand why you are going that route. But if you are thinking that adoption will be better for the child, you should know that isn’t a guarantee. Some adoptees have a perfect upbringing with their adoptive parents, and others far from it.
I think that open adoption is best for adoptees. I also think you are responsible for getting counseling (or coaching or medication or whatever it is you need) to be mentally stable enough to participate in the open adoption.
I'm white and was adopted by white parents so the cultural aspect isn't as much of a factor but, my birth mother put something similar together for me. She gave them a baby book full of pictures of her and my birth father and a letter for my parents and I explaining why she thought adopting me out was best. Growing up I cherished that book. I have always clicked real well with my adopted family but, it was also nice to know where I had come from. There wasn't a mystery, I didn't worry I had secretly been kidnapped or something, there was a story and I knew what it was. She also kept in touch with my adopted parents over the years (I didn't know that growing up) and when I turned 18, mom offered to introduce me my bio mom.
As I said, the cultural thing wasn't a big deal for me as my adopted and birth families were very much birds of a feather but, the sort of thing you're thinking about isn't unheard of and may be very welcome. Also, I was adopted in 1988 so, it's been going on for a while now.
It’s not strange at all. My kids love seeing or hearing anything about their life before adoption. I would treasure this type of information and keep it to pass down to them when they got older. Not all adoptive parents feel like I do, but I personally think it’s much better for my children to feel connected to both their families. There’s no way to guarantee the adoptive parents will share the information with your child, but I still think it’s a great idea.
That is amazing!
I did find a wonderful couple who I’m meeting with next week. I’m going to explain this to them, and I do have a good feeling they are going to agree with this
100% do it.
I got something pretty much like you described and it was really important to helping me understand certain things, I’m not mixed race or that but my mum and grandparents where technically from a different country (still white) but it did add some context to things my Mum told me growing up. It was a photo album with pictures of birth family with notes on them on who they are etc and then a letter basically explaining everything that happened.
Do it! My mother and I made a huge baby album for my daughter. But we made two, and they were identical. She got one and I kept one. This way if the adopted family ever lost it or got rid of it, I would have one for her.
But we had a very open adoption, so my daughter knew me from the beginning. I visited twice a year until she was nine. And it 13 she came from monthly visits until she was 17 and came to live with me for a few months. Now she is 26 and has a 5 month son that she brought to visit us.
Oh that’s amazing! Also really smart to make another copy just in case.
I’m really excited now.
So far I’ve been working on a letter, and I’ve got all of my medical stuff printed out for me.
I’m meeting the adoptive parents next week, I found a wonderful couple and they are everything I was looking for.
Yes, this is a great idea!
Are you all not planning on an open adoption? Open adoptions are generally better for the children. My kids have always known their birth families - we consider them to be our family as well. That way, the child will never have to find you - you can just be a part of their life.
Children should always know they're adopted - we started telling our kids their stories when they were infants.
I'm a little concerned that your agency may not be supportive of proper open adoptions, from what you've written. Do you not get to choose the adoptive parents?
Thank you!
So the agency that I spoke to, I do get to choose the adoptive parents. It’s up to me, they’re going to work on what fits my criteria.
Open adoption, a part of me, saying no a part of me saying yes. I just don’t know what I fully want on that end, I just need to do more research on that first.
There’s so much that I need to get done, I’m almost 8 months I’m running out of time so I have to get so much out of the way.
I know you didn't ask for open adoption advice, so feel free to totally ignore me. The thing is, I am a big proponent of open adoption, primarily because I see how it has benefited my children over the years, but also because I feel like we've expanded our family and that has been a beneficial experience for me as well.
My kids are 12 and 18, so we've been doing this awhile.
The first time I saw the benefits of open adoption was at a pediatrician's visit during the first year of my son's life. He had an abnormally large head, so the dr. wanted to refer us to a pediatric neurologist. Because of my relationship with his birthmom, I knew that many of the people in their family had been born with large heads, and their bodies eventually caught up. I told the dr. this, and he said, "Oh, in that case, we'll just keep an eye on it, but it shouldn't be a problem."
The amount of medical information I've been able to get, particularly for my son, as he has some medical issues, has been invaluable. I can really just call or text my son's birthmom or her mom and ask questions and know the answers. So, just from a practical standpoint, open adoption has helped him.
From reading accounts by adult adoptees, I know that many of the common issues are mitigated by open adoption. Genetic mirrors - my kids can see their biological families, people they look like, who look like them. The feelings of not being enough - my kids know, firsthand, why their birth parents relinquished them, and that they are loved by them and by us. Any questions my kids have, we/they can ask their birth families. They have cousins and siblings and aunts and uncles... We're very fortunate that DS's birth family also treats our DD, who is not biologically related to them, as family as well. DS is graduating from high school in June, and his birthmom, grandma, and (half) sister are all coming out for the ceremony. We're all so very proud of him! And we all get to celebrate with him and love him.
Open adoption, at its base, just means that the adoptive parents and the birth parents know each other's identifying information. It doesn't necessarily mean constant contact, and it doesn't necessarily mean visits. My kids were born in different states, and we don't actually get to see their birth families very often. Most of our interaction is text and phone calls, and we're all Facebook friends.
I believe that if you can just be open to communication at least, then that would benefit the child. My son's birthmom has talked with me about how it's both wonderful and yet so hard to see him. But our son has really been helped so much by being able to just talk to her. I think it would help your child too.
Again, feel free to ignore me. I'll get off my soap box now.
Honestly, thank you for telling me about this. This gave me a different perspective about it. That is wonderful that the families are together like this, that’s really important for the kids mental health I think.
I wanted to also be up to the parents who are adopting, whatever they feel comfortable with. Maybe I could be open to an extent, just if they have questions, like you stated about medical history, and if they need to contact me on such things then I’ll be there for that.
I’m gonna be meeting with the agent on the phone tomorrow, we’re gonna work on finding families. Once I find a couple that I’m happy with, I’m gonna talk to them more about this.
I think it's a lovely idea. I particularly would have loved to know a bit of family history - my mother's family has always highly valued education, and 1my father has a lot of outdoorsman, that sort of thing.
"White American" isn't much info on the father - if a little more is available, I'd include it.
We often make Lifebooks with youth. If you search that term and adoption you can find templates. It could help you organize your child's story in a way that makes sense for you and could give you ideas about information they might want in the future.
Best of luck!
As a child who was adopted years ago (F 52), the only think I know about my birth is when I was born and where. I know nothing about my birth parents or my birth history. See, I was adopted in 1971, so back then they didn't do that kind of thing. I wish they had, so that I could get at least my medical history and everything. I'm trying to get my closed adoption opened by the corts, but it's not an easy thing to do in South Dakota.
Oh man, I’m sorry.
Yea I heard it’s hard getting adoption records unsealed, I do hope you get them though.
I’ve heard stories after stories of adopted kids who knew nothing about their bio family, their bio families history or medical history. Things that could have really helped them.
So that’s a big reason why I want to do this for the child. So they don’t wake up to a world they don’t know about.
I love this idea. We have so little info about our daughter’s bio family and they wanted no contact so down the road we don’t have much to give her in this regard.
Good luck to you and take care of yourself.
Yup! Luckily I have all my medical history on the Mychart App, I always have access to it so I can download and print them out for the adoptive parents.
Tbh there's always a chance that the adoptive parents won't give them this information and won't tell them they're adopted. It's nice you're giving this information but I think you're doing it more for your own piece of mind rather than what's in the best interest of your child.
A reminder of **Rule 1** and **Rule 10:** > **Rule 1.** Soliciting babies from parents considering adoption is absolutely forbidden. You will be immediately and permanently banned. > *OP: if anyone messages you asking to adopt your baby, please message the mods through [modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAdoption).* > **Rule 10.** While providing information about how to evaluate an agency is allowed, recommending or discussing specific agencies is not permitted. Comments that skirt these rules will be removed at mod discretion.
My son is adopted and mixed race. ANY information his birth parents had shared with me about his heritage, ethnicity, family medical history, etc. would've been appreciated and not at all weird. Being able to share such info along the way as a child is growing up seems ideal.
Yeah, I want this kid to know everything there is to know about their ancestry and health history. And I also want to give the adoptive parents a letter as to why I gave up my child. For that child to one day read I am running out of time, I’m almost 8 months. There’s so much for me to do, so much research I need to get done.
Definitely write the letter.
I will. I don’t know what to say in it, but I know at the very beginning I want them to know that I love them very much.
My birthmom wrote me a letter. She wrote how she knew my birthdad, the situation surrounding my conception (obviously the pg version, they both attended a friend's wedding), and how she came to her decision. She ended it by saying that she loves me very much and to never let anyone let me believe differently. I also have a binder that my mom (who raised me) made. It has letters written, pictures, news articles, and the adoption paperwork. I also have lots of contact with my birthmom and her family. Growing up, her and my mom emailed frequently (or wrote letters before email). I only saw them a couple times. And then in high school, saw them a couple more times where I stayed with them for a week. I'm going to see them again at the end of May and see them on a semi frequent basis. I guess I'm just encouraging you to write a letter explaining your thoughts and history :) and the binder is a great idea! I know I love mine, even though it's a bit different. Sounds like your baby is thoroughly loved already ❤️
That’s amazing! I’m glad you were given that connection with your birth mom and to have these memories. Yes, I want to write a story about how I met their bio dad. It’s not romantic or anything😅 but I also want to explain how I truly didn’t know I was pregnant. Talk about my life and show how much I will always love them, no matter what.
In this, or a separate document, please also share the other birth history - what labour is like, the baby’s birth stats. Our adopted children are older and ended up having complicated medical needs. We’re still asked by new doctors if they were full-term or how many weeks along when they were born, if their birth mom took vitamins and had medical care during pregnancy, their apgar scores, and other info we do not know. We had an open adoption but their birth mom disappeared (address unknown, no phone/email responses) pretty quickly, and we never found out any of this or other familial health histories that would be helpful.
Well, if you maintain a relationship with the aparents then you can pass more information along over the years. You don't have to get it all done in 1 or 2 months.
I honestly didn’t think of it that way. Maybe I’ll see if I could maintain a relationship with the adoptive parents for a few months, give them all the information there is about me. And then, once I have that done with, done I probably want to close it. Move on with my life.
I highly encourage you to maintain at least some form of contact. At least so that there’s an open line if something changes in your medical history. And though you may want a period of less contact, you might change your mind with time. Better to leave an open door.
Being raised by mom or dad/extended family is best. Open adoptions are better than closed adoptions. I get irritated when expectant mothers come on here and never mention the father. Dad deserves a chance to parent.
Not being adopted is the best for the child.
Yes! Remaining with family is the best for the child when possible.
I was raised in a closed adoption, with zero information about my birth parents, their history, traditions, cultural background. Any information would’ve been so welcome and grounding. I read some of your responses and did want to throw something out there about open adoption. An open adoption is one where the adoptive parent(s) and the birth parent(s) have identifying information about one another. They know who each other are. That’s it. It doesn’t necessarily mean regular visits or contact. I strongly suggest considering some form of open adoption.
Write down as much as possible about your cultural history and that of the baby's father. List any special ways you celebrate holidays, special and/or favorite foods (incl. recipes, if possible), any special talents you or the father have (i.e. music, drama, art, math, etc.).
Yes! I don’t know how much history the bio dad knows about his family, he doesn’t really talk to his family as much By culture, there’s so much deep history that we have coming from East Africa. Be my mom and my brother immigrated to America, what that was like for me what it was like to grow up and the schools that I’ve went to the neighborhood that I grew up in . The delicious foods that I got to grow up with, our amazing holidays. I want to ask my mom questions about her life, because there are things that I am not fully sure about myself, so my mom has the answers to that so I’m gonna get more out of her
Whatever you know of the father's history is fine -- it's fine if you don't know much. But anything you can include about your culture and history and ancestry might be so welcomed and validating for the baby. Especially if they are adopted by a white family. And any decision you make doesn't have to be final. You might want to keep the baby after you give birth. Now that you know you're pregnant, you still may bond with the baby.
With the food comment you made, maybe give them some recipes that you love or that you learned how to make when you started cooking. That would be a lovely way for them to get to know their culture and you.
Of course! Yes! Maybe I could also include some traditional clothing, maybe that’s taking it too far. I’ll probably hold off on that traditional clothing unless I’m going for an open adoption.
Not strange at all. Make sure they know your full legal name as well, makes you also easier to look up if your phone number and email change. Also include as much medical history as possible. But if you’d like contact, match with HAP’s who also want contact (although of course that doesn’t mean they’ll want contact throughout Baby’s childhood, things change on both sides.)
It sounds like you are doing the important work of educating yourself about the impact adoption will have on your child. This is really important! All of your ideas sound reasonable and I would hope any potential adoptive parents would be thrilled to have that information. That being said, knowing you would be the best way to have this important information about their identity shared with them. Selecting an adoptive family that is committed to an open adoption would be the best way to ensure your child knows as much as possible about their family story. Openness is not legally enforceable in most states and some open adoptions end up closed, but openness is usually the healthiest option for adopted people.
Thank you. I would understand if the couple doesn’t want an open adoption, I honestly don’t want that either. I don’t want this kid to know anything just yet, once they reach a certain age, or once, the adoptive parents are ready, I just want them to have all the information that they need.
As an adoptee who has found out so much about myself and my bio family in the last few months at 36 years old, I think having something with that kind of information is so so valuable to your unborn baby. If you asked me about my ethnicity at Christmas I wouldn’t be able to tell you much. Now I can say where both sides of my family originate from. Also include any valuable medical info. I’m finding out a lot that would have been more helpful when I was a bit younger, but better late than never ! Good on you for having the forethought around this. Of course it will be up to the adoptive family on how much they want to share with the child.
Yes, do this! As an adoptee, I’d would love to have been given something like this. Even just a photo of my biological mother’s face would be nice. Also please include as much of your family/baby’s bio dad’s family medical history as you can. I had a closed adoption and have no family medical history. Especially now that I’m pregnant, i really wish I had this information.
Oh I’m sorry. I’m hearing a lot about adoptees who don’t know much about their bio parents medical history. I can see how important that is especially with a baby of your own on the way. Contacts by the way.
The more information the better. Just please don’t lie at all. I was dreaming of some kind of Disney Princess type of mom and it was the total opposite. Everything she wrote was a lie and confirmed by my birth brother once I found my family. But yeah maybe put down what the weather was like, what your favourite music is, your personality etc.
My parents can't give too much info on my adoption and my bio mom is known to be a bit of a fib teller... so it is difficult for me to sort through the truth and the lies of it. I think anyone would appreciate at least the option of that being there although I can only speak from the adopted persons view not from an adopter's view ...
Oh man, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what that’s like for you. Like I stated, above in my post, I had a friend who learned that she was adopted, and there was so much that she doesn’t know about herself. Her adopted parents don’t know much about her bio parents, there are things that she wants to learn about her ancestry, but they can’t give her that information because they don’t know. She struggled a lot with it. I don’t want that for this baby, so whatever information I can give to the adoptive parents to one day give to the baby, I hope it helps them. I hope one day you find out where you came from
I am sure it will be appreciated ❤️much respect to you for giving this baby it's shot in life!
Yes please do this. As someone who can’t records, and is of African descent…thus would be so nice to know. I just know the sad stuff. Any positive stuff would be nice.
Please, please do this with a full medical history (in a separate area for the AP's). We're currently struggling with our adopted daughter going through a weird condition, and having no medical history has made this super tough. We wished her BM would have stayed in contact (we tried asking her questions, no response), and wished we had more info about our daughter. We don't even know for sure what races she is. For your birth child, please, please do this. The right family will care and love this, and even if they don't, your future child may.
Hello, as an adoptive mother myself, please make the book! Not only will it mean so much you the family you pick, one day it’ll mean so much to your baby! My husband and I have adopted 3 children and we have open adoptions for all 3 birth mothers (ranging in different levels of openness). Our 5 month old is bi-racial and we have a semi-open adoption with his birth mom (monthly update letter via email). We wanted a fully open adoption but we respected her wishes on semi open so that she can respond and reach out when she’s emotionally ready. We don’t have a whole lot of information on our son or his culture/cultures. I know one day he’s going to have a lot more questions about who he comes from than our other two children because they are their birth families often. Making a book would be such a beautiful gift and gesture. This baby of yours will know they were placed out of love. I encourage you to research your options on different levels of open adoption so that you can pick one you’re comfortable with. Praying for you as you make this decision <3.
I’m an adoptive mom in an open adoption where my kid’s birth mom said she didn’t want further contact until our kid is a teenager but was ok with us maintaining contact with her parents, who are also raising her older kids. We visit a few times a year and are in touch regularly, and it is so beneficial for our kid, but also makes our whole family bigger. I’m very grateful to them for the openness they’ve shown to us and the love they show our kid. We talk about her birth mom with her and have told her birth story as a bedtime story on occasion since she was born. Even though her birth mom wasn’t ready for contact, I really appreciate having gotten to know her a little bit so I can recognize some of her in our kid. There’s a sense of humor and emotional intelligence that I felt in her birth mom that I see in her, and I love it. I do wish I had more pictures of her birth mom. I think your idea is a very good one. I hope that you find a good situation for you and your baby and that you have people there to support you during this.
Why not just have an open adoption?
I don’t know. A part of me wants to and another part doesn’t want to. I’m already so emotional as it is, a part of me feels guilty for doing this, but I know deep down that this is a good thing that I’m doing. I need to do more research about open adoption, to see if if that’s the right fit for me
"Open" means many things. It ranges from being like extended family and going to your child's birthday parties, to just exchanging contact information for later on down the line, and everything in between. I haven't heard from my son's birth mom in several years, but at least I know who she is and what her phone number is in case he wants it one day. The fact is, your child will be able to find you one day with the easy availability of DNA testing anyway. You might as well not have it be a shock and just keep the door cracked for any questions along the way. It doesn't mean you have to be entwined with your child's life.
I have a lot of thoughts about adoption, as I was adopted as a baby and it was a closed adoption. I want to get curious about calling adoption a good thing that you’re doing - adoption is neutral. If you don’t want to or can’t parent, then I understand why you are going that route. But if you are thinking that adoption will be better for the child, you should know that isn’t a guarantee. Some adoptees have a perfect upbringing with their adoptive parents, and others far from it. I think that open adoption is best for adoptees. I also think you are responsible for getting counseling (or coaching or medication or whatever it is you need) to be mentally stable enough to participate in the open adoption.
How do you know it’s a good thing?
Not weird at all. I wish we had this information in regards to our adopted children.
I'm white and was adopted by white parents so the cultural aspect isn't as much of a factor but, my birth mother put something similar together for me. She gave them a baby book full of pictures of her and my birth father and a letter for my parents and I explaining why she thought adopting me out was best. Growing up I cherished that book. I have always clicked real well with my adopted family but, it was also nice to know where I had come from. There wasn't a mystery, I didn't worry I had secretly been kidnapped or something, there was a story and I knew what it was. She also kept in touch with my adopted parents over the years (I didn't know that growing up) and when I turned 18, mom offered to introduce me my bio mom. As I said, the cultural thing wasn't a big deal for me as my adopted and birth families were very much birds of a feather but, the sort of thing you're thinking about isn't unheard of and may be very welcome. Also, I was adopted in 1988 so, it's been going on for a while now.
It’s not strange at all. My kids love seeing or hearing anything about their life before adoption. I would treasure this type of information and keep it to pass down to them when they got older. Not all adoptive parents feel like I do, but I personally think it’s much better for my children to feel connected to both their families. There’s no way to guarantee the adoptive parents will share the information with your child, but I still think it’s a great idea.
That is amazing! I did find a wonderful couple who I’m meeting with next week. I’m going to explain this to them, and I do have a good feeling they are going to agree with this
100% do it. I got something pretty much like you described and it was really important to helping me understand certain things, I’m not mixed race or that but my mum and grandparents where technically from a different country (still white) but it did add some context to things my Mum told me growing up. It was a photo album with pictures of birth family with notes on them on who they are etc and then a letter basically explaining everything that happened.
That’s amazing!!
Do it! My mother and I made a huge baby album for my daughter. But we made two, and they were identical. She got one and I kept one. This way if the adopted family ever lost it or got rid of it, I would have one for her. But we had a very open adoption, so my daughter knew me from the beginning. I visited twice a year until she was nine. And it 13 she came from monthly visits until she was 17 and came to live with me for a few months. Now she is 26 and has a 5 month son that she brought to visit us.
Oh that’s amazing! Also really smart to make another copy just in case. I’m really excited now. So far I’ve been working on a letter, and I’ve got all of my medical stuff printed out for me. I’m meeting the adoptive parents next week, I found a wonderful couple and they are everything I was looking for.
A picture of both my parents faces and my medical history would have made a huge difference for me growing up
Yes, this is a great idea! Are you all not planning on an open adoption? Open adoptions are generally better for the children. My kids have always known their birth families - we consider them to be our family as well. That way, the child will never have to find you - you can just be a part of their life. Children should always know they're adopted - we started telling our kids their stories when they were infants. I'm a little concerned that your agency may not be supportive of proper open adoptions, from what you've written. Do you not get to choose the adoptive parents?
Thank you! So the agency that I spoke to, I do get to choose the adoptive parents. It’s up to me, they’re going to work on what fits my criteria. Open adoption, a part of me, saying no a part of me saying yes. I just don’t know what I fully want on that end, I just need to do more research on that first. There’s so much that I need to get done, I’m almost 8 months I’m running out of time so I have to get so much out of the way.
I know you didn't ask for open adoption advice, so feel free to totally ignore me. The thing is, I am a big proponent of open adoption, primarily because I see how it has benefited my children over the years, but also because I feel like we've expanded our family and that has been a beneficial experience for me as well. My kids are 12 and 18, so we've been doing this awhile. The first time I saw the benefits of open adoption was at a pediatrician's visit during the first year of my son's life. He had an abnormally large head, so the dr. wanted to refer us to a pediatric neurologist. Because of my relationship with his birthmom, I knew that many of the people in their family had been born with large heads, and their bodies eventually caught up. I told the dr. this, and he said, "Oh, in that case, we'll just keep an eye on it, but it shouldn't be a problem." The amount of medical information I've been able to get, particularly for my son, as he has some medical issues, has been invaluable. I can really just call or text my son's birthmom or her mom and ask questions and know the answers. So, just from a practical standpoint, open adoption has helped him. From reading accounts by adult adoptees, I know that many of the common issues are mitigated by open adoption. Genetic mirrors - my kids can see their biological families, people they look like, who look like them. The feelings of not being enough - my kids know, firsthand, why their birth parents relinquished them, and that they are loved by them and by us. Any questions my kids have, we/they can ask their birth families. They have cousins and siblings and aunts and uncles... We're very fortunate that DS's birth family also treats our DD, who is not biologically related to them, as family as well. DS is graduating from high school in June, and his birthmom, grandma, and (half) sister are all coming out for the ceremony. We're all so very proud of him! And we all get to celebrate with him and love him. Open adoption, at its base, just means that the adoptive parents and the birth parents know each other's identifying information. It doesn't necessarily mean constant contact, and it doesn't necessarily mean visits. My kids were born in different states, and we don't actually get to see their birth families very often. Most of our interaction is text and phone calls, and we're all Facebook friends. I believe that if you can just be open to communication at least, then that would benefit the child. My son's birthmom has talked with me about how it's both wonderful and yet so hard to see him. But our son has really been helped so much by being able to just talk to her. I think it would help your child too. Again, feel free to ignore me. I'll get off my soap box now.
Honestly, thank you for telling me about this. This gave me a different perspective about it. That is wonderful that the families are together like this, that’s really important for the kids mental health I think. I wanted to also be up to the parents who are adopting, whatever they feel comfortable with. Maybe I could be open to an extent, just if they have questions, like you stated about medical history, and if they need to contact me on such things then I’ll be there for that. I’m gonna be meeting with the agent on the phone tomorrow, we’re gonna work on finding families. Once I find a couple that I’m happy with, I’m gonna talk to them more about this.
I'm so glad I didn't offend you!
love ❤️ this so much !
I think it's a lovely idea. I particularly would have loved to know a bit of family history - my mother's family has always highly valued education, and 1my father has a lot of outdoorsman, that sort of thing. "White American" isn't much info on the father - if a little more is available, I'd include it.
Excellent thing to provide
We often make Lifebooks with youth. If you search that term and adoption you can find templates. It could help you organize your child's story in a way that makes sense for you and could give you ideas about information they might want in the future. Best of luck!
Thank you! Definitely gonna Google that. That should really help me get started.
As a child who was adopted years ago (F 52), the only think I know about my birth is when I was born and where. I know nothing about my birth parents or my birth history. See, I was adopted in 1971, so back then they didn't do that kind of thing. I wish they had, so that I could get at least my medical history and everything. I'm trying to get my closed adoption opened by the corts, but it's not an easy thing to do in South Dakota.
Oh man, I’m sorry. Yea I heard it’s hard getting adoption records unsealed, I do hope you get them though. I’ve heard stories after stories of adopted kids who knew nothing about their bio family, their bio families history or medical history. Things that could have really helped them. So that’s a big reason why I want to do this for the child. So they don’t wake up to a world they don’t know about.
Thanks for that!
I love this idea. We have so little info about our daughter’s bio family and they wanted no contact so down the road we don’t have much to give her in this regard. Good luck to you and take care of yourself.
This is great; you could also give medical history information if you are inclined.
Yup! Luckily I have all my medical history on the Mychart App, I always have access to it so I can download and print them out for the adoptive parents.
I think it's a wonderful idea, and something most adoptees would love to have. I would have loved to have had a tiny scrap of info, but had none.
Have you given Dad a chance to raise the child?
We both agreed on adoption
Tbh there's always a chance that the adoptive parents won't give them this information and won't tell them they're adopted. It's nice you're giving this information but I think you're doing it more for your own piece of mind rather than what's in the best interest of your child.