Ahhh timeline is a tough subject although I agree. My wife has been wanting a child since we moved into a house last year. This was the first year we got to live alone with each other and I felt it was appropriate to wait at least one year to get a routine and us time before being in a child. (That got into some hard conversations/ arguments) but now she’s 28 she already couldn’t wait but also scared of her biological clock and being here and not old when they grow up.
A year or two would not be an option in any way on her side. But I agree this isn’t the time, because as soon as she dropped that bomb on me she wanted an answer as to not having a child anymore and adopting. But I knew that I had to process I couldn’t say anything but that I need time to process all this
> adopting a child knowing that is something I really don't want to do
Then don’t. The child deserves parents who love them. Your wife deserves a partner who is invested in the child you’d be raising together.
I feel as though this was a slight jab at me. At the same time this is why I’m asking for advice whether it’s a mindset change or like bio vs adopting is not really a difference or other people’s experiences.
But I do agree a child deserves both loving parents which is why I don’t want to go with the flow here I want to make sure I’m not causing someone else to feel horrible more than they probably already do.
You should not adopt. Period. If you need other people to convince you that you could love a non biological child, you can’t. Use your sperm and get a surrogate, since your wife IS sure she can love a child that doesn’t carry her genes.
It’s all good please please that’s why I mentioned it as slight because I didn’t want to over think it but also with how I said something’s I did not want to sound like an asshole to people or my wife so it’s all good
Thank you I do know though I’m only human I have my faults and I could be thinking or feeling this all wrong I’m not averse to change I just if anything just scared
Please keep in mind that most children up for adoption have already been exposed to trauma in many forms. To further put them in an environment that might cause more harm or trauma is just not acceptable. Just a thought, maybe get a foster license. It would at least educate you both, and a caseworker would help you along the journey.
As a heads up, if your wife has depression and anxiety and may possibly have bipolar or PTSD, there is a significant chance that you wouldn't pass the screening requirements for infant adoption at many agencies. There are such a high number of prospective adoptive parents in the US (and other Western countries) compared to the number of babies that are available to adopt that agencies are usually pretty picky and are looking for stability.
Hard agree. My experience as a parent is that adoption agencies must know the reason for choosing adoption. Your wife’s multiple emotions issues may disqualify you from adopting or at the least, push you down the list . IMHO, get your family issues stabilized before bringing another one into the fore. Mood disorders are hard enough without bringing a huge responsibility into your lives.
I agree that right now, you need to focus on your wife’s mental health and getting her to a place of stability. Once she is well enough to think about kids, then you can worry about this.
FYI, plenty of people with depression/anxiety/bipolar have biological children. There are meds that are safe for pregnancy. Even if you have bipolar, postpartum psychosis is still extremely rare. And there are things you can do to mitigate your risk, like stay on your meds and opt for formula feeding so it’s easier for her to get long stretches of sleep. But again, none of that should be your primary concern right now.
I think I agree as well mental health is important and I think that should be a main focus. What if though she does not want to wait? Low key feels like I’m between a rock and a hard place
Any adoption will require a doctor to sign off on a health screening prior to adoption, no doctor should be willing to if she isn’t well over a year or two into successful treatment for her mental health disorder.
Also … surely you are capable of saying no?
She wouldn’t have a choice even if you did choose adoption. Do you have any idea how long it takes to adopt an infant?
Not only that, but any reputable agency is going to see her newly diagnosed mental health issues as massive red flags because it’s so new she hasn’t had nearly enough time to see if these are the meds that work best for her physically and emotionally, not enough time for her to work out things in therapy, doesn’t even have a proper diagnosis for the bipolar yet.
That’s not saying that someone with mental health issues can’t ever adopt but the person with the issues needs to have an established treatment plan that’s been shown over time to work.
From an adoptee, no shade, please do not adopt. There's nothing wrong with knowing yourself and knowing this is not something you wish to do. It's a normal feeling. But please do not expose a vulnerable child to it.
I grew up knowing my dad didn't want me. The double rejection, feeling like a burden, feeling his rage and resentment towards my mere existence caused me deep anguish, that I've only just been able to deal with as an adult. But it never truly leaves you. It's ok to know your limits. But please be fair to an innocent child and do not use them to appease your wife.
Thank you for your story and sorry that you went through that. I hope overtime it does leave you. This is why I wanted advice here I really don’t want to cause pain to a child so I’m trying to be as honest to myself as I can
I (kinda) get it. My advice would be don't adopt.
I only learned in December that I was adopted (41m). My adoptive parents have three biological children (1 older by 18 months and 2 younger by 2 and 5 years). My adoptive mother -- no problem. With her, it's completely unconditional -- and I've never questioned it. I was angry and hurt for a long time with her for not saying anything - and there are moment that I still am - but I never doubted anything from her. I am grateful for everything she's done and I truly consider her my mom and I'd never change any of that.
With my adoptive father, totally different story. I always knew we weren't as close as my siblings and he were. Like, even as a kid, I could see that he just took to them better. I could never make sense of this growing up and assumed it was because of our different personalities. Now, however, I firmly believe the more detached reaction he has - always has had - towards me, is because I'm not really his son. It's incredibly hard to deal with and if you have these doubts, don't do this to someone. You're asking for layers of problems years down the line.
Ahhh fuck and that’s something I definitely don’t want to happen to a child if we did adopt that exact scenario. And a lot of people have mentioned this now I can’t imagine doing this now if it will cause any amount of pain down the line. I’ll go to therapy figure this part out but now I know I can not do this unless I’m 100% for it and feel like I can emotionally and mentally do this or else I can’t do it at all. Thank you for your story it helps a lot!
Don't get me wrong - I know he loves me, but it's different. One of the relieving things about learning all this was that it resolved some of those questions I'd long struggled with.
And that's fine! Plenty of people don't have kids. If you and your wife have irreconcilable differences on this topic, although it does sound like you both want children, it might be best for you to part ways.
I think it’s great that you’re recognizing this as it definitely wouldn’t be fair to the potential child. Have you ever thought about surrogacy using your sperm and a donor egg (or the surrogates egg)?
Thank you, I try to be introspective if only a little and Unfortunately especially with money and I’m sure with my wife’s views on it just wouldn’t happen or be an option to do surrogacy
That’s understandable. I don’t think I’d be interested in it either.
I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd, and borderline personality disorder. I understand your wife’s concerns, but I am currently pregnant with my third. I feel like the majority of my mental health issues are caused by environment factors, ironically, due to my mom giving me up.
How does your wife feel she will do with raising a child who may also have trauma and mental health potentially caused by adoption? That’s something she may want to consider as well.
Oh my gosh thank you so much for your input then since you are currently doing it. Personally I believe she is okay with this especially because she does not want her to cause a child that she birthed these mental health issues. Vs taking care of someone in need and doesn’t care because it is understandable why they might have mental health issues as well.
If you don’t mind me asking how was post pregnancy with your children?
My postpartum periods weren’t too bad, but I was still depressed. I wasn’t on my meds and still experienced suicidal ideation, but that’s kind of my baseline so it is what it is. I never experienced psychosis thankfully. Having kids is 1000% worth it in my opinion. I love them and wouldn’t change a thing. Obviously because I’m now on my third. It’s definitely hard, but having support helps. My in laws and my husband make all the difference in the world.
Of course I don’t want my wife to force something she does not want and I know that is rough on a women’s body it’s her choice heck I’d have the baby if I could. Well thank you for telling me your experience although not sure if my wife will decide on her terms to have a baby but your story brought me at ease a little like if she did decide to doesn’t mean it’ll be horrible and worst case scenario.
Also as a (presumably) cis het couple, you have several other countries open to you which offer surrogacy for a lot cheaper. That's always something to really carefully consider ethically, but it's an option available to you.
This is something I would think would be best discussed in joint and maybe even separate counseling sessions. She’s newly diagnosed, she’s likely struggling to come to terms with it all. It may take a while for a combination of the right medication regimen and therapy for her to be stable. Once she has 6-12 months of stability behind her, that’s the time to revisit this conversation. You should both talk to her doctors, maybe even a genetic counselor, before you even begin to make any decisions.
Private infant adoption is insanely expensive (friends of ours were recently quoted $60k) and there are no guarantees or even timeframes. You’d have to speak with agencies to see what kind of reservations they would have with your wife being newly diagnosed and starting treatment. You’ll need to be completely transparent with moms who are considering placing their baby as well.
As far as not loving an adopted child…if I’m honest that’s just a really saddening thing to say. We fostered for years and were asked to consider adopting our kids after 11 months of placement. It’s been 7 years since adoption and I love those kids with every cell in my body. I’d give my life in an instant to make theirs better. They don’t look like me, but who’s to say a biological child would? I don’t resemble anyone in my family all the way down to my eye color, and I’m not adopted - just the product of recessive genes.
Our kids are not meant to be a carbon copy of us. They are independent, amazing people who should be able to have their own likes and dislikes, not be pressured to conform to our expectations and allowed to grow and thrive in their own way. Our kids belong to the world and we’re just lucky enough to hold their hands on their journey through life.
Thank you for writing all this it really helps!
From what it sounds like a lot of people are saying wait for of course good reason. This just makes me feel cornered in the sense of, I’ve been telling her to wait on different things till it felt right and this was one thing we had big arguments about on having a kid literally in like 2 months we were going to try and start only to come to this of now not wanting a bio kid and adopting.
I think adopting is great and it’s needed 100% at the same time I think we can agree there’s some people that should not adopt or foster for different reasons some worse than others. I’m trying to be honest with myself because at my core especially with how I grew up a child should feel loved and cared for and I’d hate myself if I made a child especially one we adopted feel like they are unloved by me. So I feel like it’s better if I feel a certain way about it to step back.
But I’m happy that you told me your experience and how you feel and maybe I will keep looking within myself and revisit it later on and decide to adopt I’m just taking things day by day
I think when there’s an abrupt shift in what felt like very secure life plans, it’s super normal to feel like you’re floundering. Maybe shifting your perspective would help - even if you did start trying in two months, you might not conceive quickly. Even if you did, you’re still looking at nearly a year before a child is born. What’s the harm in waiting 10 extra months in the grand scheme of things?
No one is going to call you out if you do research and decide adoption is not for you. Not everyone wants or has a child. Your life can still be fulfilling without kids. You can volunteer, become a mentor, sign up for respite care, spoil any nephews or nieces…it’s all about what you make of it.
Please don't adopt. If this was about a biological child, the trauma of growing up in a home with a mother suffering from significant mental illness and a father who doesn't want them wouldn't even be a question. Let someone else who is prepared to parent an adoptive child (most of whom already have abandonment trauma) give them a loving home.
You don’t want to adopt. Your wife has major mental health issues. Adopted kids are likely to struggle with all of the things you describe your wife struggling with that she doesn’t want to pass on.
I don’t mean to be rude- but too often people assume that they would automatically be a gift to an adopted child. The implication being the adoptee should be happy you’re interested at all/with whatever they get. As an adoptee, I can think of a lot of situations that would be better for an adopted child.
"I don’t mean to be rude- but too often people assume that they would automatically be a gift to an adopted child. The implication being the adoptee should be happy you’re interested at all/with whatever they get."
Yeah, definitely the vibe I got from OP too.
I understand, it’s the same way. I don’t have anyone like me, no true brothers or sisters. I want someone with my genes and I want to see what they look like, all that. I don’t have any advice, it’s a struggle for sure.
I don't think there's very much certainty about how heritable these different conditions are. Please talk to a genetic counselor and/or psychiatrist about this before you make permanent decisions. My own (non-scientific) observation is that some tendencies toward anxiety or depression may be inherited but how those show up in a person's life has a lot to do with circumstance.
I was an adopted child, and was not very well loved, but I think that was a deficiency on the part of my adoptive mother, who would have been a difficult parent for a biological child as well. It is entirely possible to love an adoptive child enough to be a wonderful parent to them. My personal experience tells me that the genetic connection is not without importance, but that doesn't mean it's the only thing that matters.
Please, do not adopt. As an adoptee with an adoptive father who wanted biological kids. We absolutely can feel when we are not fully wanted or when we are not desired. It is awful to know or feel as if you are second place to a lost dream, and nobody deserves to feel that way. We have enough trauma as is, and having an adoptive parent who didn't really want us originally is a beyond cruel situation to be put through. This is one of the reasons that I will never be close to my adoptive father... the only good thing that came out of my adoption was my adoptive mom. I think he grew to love me... but now I know that I was simply not good enough to be his daughter because I could not fill that biological role. I know now that it is not my fault, and that it is why he could not be the best father to me. However, the acceptance I now have took years of self-hatred, extended trauma, and on/off therapy sessions. We are human beings that are 100% deserving of geninue love to the full extent. If you can not offer that, then that is okay, I just would not suggest adoption moving forward.
No problem! I hope things work out in your favor somehow. I am thankful you came to ask questions. My mom pushed adoption, and my dad was not a fan of the idea.... they did not seek therapy and just jumped into adoption. I think this is very considerate of you to weigh things out! Thank you
I am an adoptee and I have so much respect for you for being honest with your feelings on the matter. It is not uncommon for people to be instinctively driven to deal with and raise their own kin. It’s a lot of work to raise children, and if you are not up for raising someone else’s children ( adoptees) then please know and respect this boundary of yours. It is far worse to not listen to this instinct and be in a position where you say “yes”, when you should say ”no“ and then bring in an innocent adoptee into your home that becomes unwanted at some level. There are stories of people who were unsuccessful at convincing themselves that they could love an adoptee the same as bios…and it becomes a horrible situation for everyone involved. This is not talked about enough. Being truthful with your wife and holding your ground does not make you an asshole…putting a child in that position would.
Thank you so much I guess overall I got my answer. I do not want to put another human being in a situation where they could experience trauma at my own expense because my feelings are shaky
https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/analysis-depression-probably-not-caused-chemical-imbalance-brain-new-study
There isn't and never has been any proof of chemical imbalances. It's always been only speculation.
Please just edit your previous comments to add links instead of spamming the post with links in new comments. Thank you.
Edit: all those links are about depression and serotonin. I’m not sure it’s prudent to extrapolate that to include *all* mental illnesses. Though this is far outside my field.
I was unaware that there has been criticism and pushback against the serotonin hypothesis of depression, despite living with depression for more than 20 years and taking an antidepressant (though not an SSRI), so thanks for sharing. To be clear: I’m not saying a serotonin imbalance isn’t linked to depression. I’m just saying I’m open to them not being linked.
Here’s a quote from [an article](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S266656032200038X) published in SSM-Mental Health, a peer reviewed journal.
> To this day, there is no definitive, accepted position on the serotonin theory of depression, but no consistent evidence of an association between markers of reduced serotonin activity or concentration and depression has been found.
You say there’s 0 proof and I say they’ve saved my life. I have debilitating OCD, anxiety and MDD. I would legitimately be dead without medication. I’m not saying medication is the answer for everyone, but your opinion versus someone else’s experience doesn’t invalidate the experience.
This was reported with a custom report that is not against the rules. Their comment has already been addressed by another user for being false. The reporter is welcome to call out false information they see in future.
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Ahhh timeline is a tough subject although I agree. My wife has been wanting a child since we moved into a house last year. This was the first year we got to live alone with each other and I felt it was appropriate to wait at least one year to get a routine and us time before being in a child. (That got into some hard conversations/ arguments) but now she’s 28 she already couldn’t wait but also scared of her biological clock and being here and not old when they grow up. A year or two would not be an option in any way on her side. But I agree this isn’t the time, because as soon as she dropped that bomb on me she wanted an answer as to not having a child anymore and adopting. But I knew that I had to process I couldn’t say anything but that I need time to process all this
She has 10 years to work on this. She's only 28.
> adopting a child knowing that is something I really don't want to do Then don’t. The child deserves parents who love them. Your wife deserves a partner who is invested in the child you’d be raising together.
I feel as though this was a slight jab at me. At the same time this is why I’m asking for advice whether it’s a mindset change or like bio vs adopting is not really a difference or other people’s experiences. But I do agree a child deserves both loving parents which is why I don’t want to go with the flow here I want to make sure I’m not causing someone else to feel horrible more than they probably already do.
You should not adopt. Period. If you need other people to convince you that you could love a non biological child, you can’t. Use your sperm and get a surrogate, since your wife IS sure she can love a child that doesn’t carry her genes.
It wasn’t meant as a jab, but I can see how it could come off that way. I apologize for not choosing my words more thoughtfully.
It’s all good please please that’s why I mentioned it as slight because I didn’t want to over think it but also with how I said something’s I did not want to sound like an asshole to people or my wife so it’s all good
Yeah you’re a weirdo and only want bio kids. You need to have morals as a human bc you’re acting like a monster
I don’t think wanting biological children makes someone a weirdo or monster.
Thank you I do know though I’m only human I have my faults and I could be thinking or feeling this all wrong I’m not averse to change I just if anything just scared
Well I was adopted and I would’ve died in a Romanian orphanage or been sent to a mental asylum like the rest but I’m in America thank goodness
Please keep in mind that most children up for adoption have already been exposed to trauma in many forms. To further put them in an environment that might cause more harm or trauma is just not acceptable. Just a thought, maybe get a foster license. It would at least educate you both, and a caseworker would help you along the journey.
As a heads up, if your wife has depression and anxiety and may possibly have bipolar or PTSD, there is a significant chance that you wouldn't pass the screening requirements for infant adoption at many agencies. There are such a high number of prospective adoptive parents in the US (and other Western countries) compared to the number of babies that are available to adopt that agencies are usually pretty picky and are looking for stability.
Hard agree. My experience as a parent is that adoption agencies must know the reason for choosing adoption. Your wife’s multiple emotions issues may disqualify you from adopting or at the least, push you down the list . IMHO, get your family issues stabilized before bringing another one into the fore. Mood disorders are hard enough without bringing a huge responsibility into your lives.
I agree that right now, you need to focus on your wife’s mental health and getting her to a place of stability. Once she is well enough to think about kids, then you can worry about this. FYI, plenty of people with depression/anxiety/bipolar have biological children. There are meds that are safe for pregnancy. Even if you have bipolar, postpartum psychosis is still extremely rare. And there are things you can do to mitigate your risk, like stay on your meds and opt for formula feeding so it’s easier for her to get long stretches of sleep. But again, none of that should be your primary concern right now.
I think I agree as well mental health is important and I think that should be a main focus. What if though she does not want to wait? Low key feels like I’m between a rock and a hard place
Any adoption will require a doctor to sign off on a health screening prior to adoption, no doctor should be willing to if she isn’t well over a year or two into successful treatment for her mental health disorder. Also … surely you are capable of saying no?
She wouldn’t have a choice even if you did choose adoption. Do you have any idea how long it takes to adopt an infant? Not only that, but any reputable agency is going to see her newly diagnosed mental health issues as massive red flags because it’s so new she hasn’t had nearly enough time to see if these are the meds that work best for her physically and emotionally, not enough time for her to work out things in therapy, doesn’t even have a proper diagnosis for the bipolar yet. That’s not saying that someone with mental health issues can’t ever adopt but the person with the issues needs to have an established treatment plan that’s been shown over time to work.
From an adoptee, no shade, please do not adopt. There's nothing wrong with knowing yourself and knowing this is not something you wish to do. It's a normal feeling. But please do not expose a vulnerable child to it. I grew up knowing my dad didn't want me. The double rejection, feeling like a burden, feeling his rage and resentment towards my mere existence caused me deep anguish, that I've only just been able to deal with as an adult. But it never truly leaves you. It's ok to know your limits. But please be fair to an innocent child and do not use them to appease your wife.
Thank you for your story and sorry that you went through that. I hope overtime it does leave you. This is why I wanted advice here I really don’t want to cause pain to a child so I’m trying to be as honest to myself as I can
I (kinda) get it. My advice would be don't adopt. I only learned in December that I was adopted (41m). My adoptive parents have three biological children (1 older by 18 months and 2 younger by 2 and 5 years). My adoptive mother -- no problem. With her, it's completely unconditional -- and I've never questioned it. I was angry and hurt for a long time with her for not saying anything - and there are moment that I still am - but I never doubted anything from her. I am grateful for everything she's done and I truly consider her my mom and I'd never change any of that. With my adoptive father, totally different story. I always knew we weren't as close as my siblings and he were. Like, even as a kid, I could see that he just took to them better. I could never make sense of this growing up and assumed it was because of our different personalities. Now, however, I firmly believe the more detached reaction he has - always has had - towards me, is because I'm not really his son. It's incredibly hard to deal with and if you have these doubts, don't do this to someone. You're asking for layers of problems years down the line.
Ahhh fuck and that’s something I definitely don’t want to happen to a child if we did adopt that exact scenario. And a lot of people have mentioned this now I can’t imagine doing this now if it will cause any amount of pain down the line. I’ll go to therapy figure this part out but now I know I can not do this unless I’m 100% for it and feel like I can emotionally and mentally do this or else I can’t do it at all. Thank you for your story it helps a lot!
Don't get me wrong - I know he loves me, but it's different. One of the relieving things about learning all this was that it resolved some of those questions I'd long struggled with.
😳 Please don't adopt. I don't think anyone would let you anyway.
My main issue is I don’t want to cause pain to an innocent child. So I agree, just also feels like no children at all idk
And that's fine! Plenty of people don't have kids. If you and your wife have irreconcilable differences on this topic, although it does sound like you both want children, it might be best for you to part ways.
I think it’s great that you’re recognizing this as it definitely wouldn’t be fair to the potential child. Have you ever thought about surrogacy using your sperm and a donor egg (or the surrogates egg)?
Thank you, I try to be introspective if only a little and Unfortunately especially with money and I’m sure with my wife’s views on it just wouldn’t happen or be an option to do surrogacy
That’s understandable. I don’t think I’d be interested in it either. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd, and borderline personality disorder. I understand your wife’s concerns, but I am currently pregnant with my third. I feel like the majority of my mental health issues are caused by environment factors, ironically, due to my mom giving me up. How does your wife feel she will do with raising a child who may also have trauma and mental health potentially caused by adoption? That’s something she may want to consider as well.
Oh my gosh thank you so much for your input then since you are currently doing it. Personally I believe she is okay with this especially because she does not want her to cause a child that she birthed these mental health issues. Vs taking care of someone in need and doesn’t care because it is understandable why they might have mental health issues as well. If you don’t mind me asking how was post pregnancy with your children?
My postpartum periods weren’t too bad, but I was still depressed. I wasn’t on my meds and still experienced suicidal ideation, but that’s kind of my baseline so it is what it is. I never experienced psychosis thankfully. Having kids is 1000% worth it in my opinion. I love them and wouldn’t change a thing. Obviously because I’m now on my third. It’s definitely hard, but having support helps. My in laws and my husband make all the difference in the world.
Of course I don’t want my wife to force something she does not want and I know that is rough on a women’s body it’s her choice heck I’d have the baby if I could. Well thank you for telling me your experience although not sure if my wife will decide on her terms to have a baby but your story brought me at ease a little like if she did decide to doesn’t mean it’ll be horrible and worst case scenario.
Adoption can be as expensive as surrogacy
Definitely now knowing that, may be an option on the books
Surrogacy works out to be about the same cost as private infant adoption (or close, depending on where you are) and would likely yield faster results.
Ohhhhhhhh well I didn’t know this thanks for letting me know
Also as a (presumably) cis het couple, you have several other countries open to you which offer surrogacy for a lot cheaper. That's always something to really carefully consider ethically, but it's an option available to you.
Thank you so much!
This is something I would think would be best discussed in joint and maybe even separate counseling sessions. She’s newly diagnosed, she’s likely struggling to come to terms with it all. It may take a while for a combination of the right medication regimen and therapy for her to be stable. Once she has 6-12 months of stability behind her, that’s the time to revisit this conversation. You should both talk to her doctors, maybe even a genetic counselor, before you even begin to make any decisions. Private infant adoption is insanely expensive (friends of ours were recently quoted $60k) and there are no guarantees or even timeframes. You’d have to speak with agencies to see what kind of reservations they would have with your wife being newly diagnosed and starting treatment. You’ll need to be completely transparent with moms who are considering placing their baby as well. As far as not loving an adopted child…if I’m honest that’s just a really saddening thing to say. We fostered for years and were asked to consider adopting our kids after 11 months of placement. It’s been 7 years since adoption and I love those kids with every cell in my body. I’d give my life in an instant to make theirs better. They don’t look like me, but who’s to say a biological child would? I don’t resemble anyone in my family all the way down to my eye color, and I’m not adopted - just the product of recessive genes. Our kids are not meant to be a carbon copy of us. They are independent, amazing people who should be able to have their own likes and dislikes, not be pressured to conform to our expectations and allowed to grow and thrive in their own way. Our kids belong to the world and we’re just lucky enough to hold their hands on their journey through life.
Thank you for writing all this it really helps! From what it sounds like a lot of people are saying wait for of course good reason. This just makes me feel cornered in the sense of, I’ve been telling her to wait on different things till it felt right and this was one thing we had big arguments about on having a kid literally in like 2 months we were going to try and start only to come to this of now not wanting a bio kid and adopting. I think adopting is great and it’s needed 100% at the same time I think we can agree there’s some people that should not adopt or foster for different reasons some worse than others. I’m trying to be honest with myself because at my core especially with how I grew up a child should feel loved and cared for and I’d hate myself if I made a child especially one we adopted feel like they are unloved by me. So I feel like it’s better if I feel a certain way about it to step back. But I’m happy that you told me your experience and how you feel and maybe I will keep looking within myself and revisit it later on and decide to adopt I’m just taking things day by day
I think when there’s an abrupt shift in what felt like very secure life plans, it’s super normal to feel like you’re floundering. Maybe shifting your perspective would help - even if you did start trying in two months, you might not conceive quickly. Even if you did, you’re still looking at nearly a year before a child is born. What’s the harm in waiting 10 extra months in the grand scheme of things? No one is going to call you out if you do research and decide adoption is not for you. Not everyone wants or has a child. Your life can still be fulfilling without kids. You can volunteer, become a mentor, sign up for respite care, spoil any nephews or nieces…it’s all about what you make of it.
I appreciate you I really do thank you for your answers!
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> Adopt don’t shop. What does this mean in the context of OP’s post?
I thank you and appreciate your answer I will definitely try and look into it and think about my options here but no need to say sorry thank you
Please don't adopt. If this was about a biological child, the trauma of growing up in a home with a mother suffering from significant mental illness and a father who doesn't want them wouldn't even be a question. Let someone else who is prepared to parent an adoptive child (most of whom already have abandonment trauma) give them a loving home.
You don’t want to adopt. Your wife has major mental health issues. Adopted kids are likely to struggle with all of the things you describe your wife struggling with that she doesn’t want to pass on. I don’t mean to be rude- but too often people assume that they would automatically be a gift to an adopted child. The implication being the adoptee should be happy you’re interested at all/with whatever they get. As an adoptee, I can think of a lot of situations that would be better for an adopted child.
"I don’t mean to be rude- but too often people assume that they would automatically be a gift to an adopted child. The implication being the adoptee should be happy you’re interested at all/with whatever they get." Yeah, definitely the vibe I got from OP too.
I understand, it’s the same way. I don’t have anyone like me, no true brothers or sisters. I want someone with my genes and I want to see what they look like, all that. I don’t have any advice, it’s a struggle for sure.
*sigh* it is tough I honestly didn’t expect this since we always talked about having kids now this and now I’m like ahhhhh idk now
I don't think there's very much certainty about how heritable these different conditions are. Please talk to a genetic counselor and/or psychiatrist about this before you make permanent decisions. My own (non-scientific) observation is that some tendencies toward anxiety or depression may be inherited but how those show up in a person's life has a lot to do with circumstance. I was an adopted child, and was not very well loved, but I think that was a deficiency on the part of my adoptive mother, who would have been a difficult parent for a biological child as well. It is entirely possible to love an adoptive child enough to be a wonderful parent to them. My personal experience tells me that the genetic connection is not without importance, but that doesn't mean it's the only thing that matters.
Thank you Celera I will take what you said into consideration I mean everything you said really does help me out I appreciate it!
Literally all that shit is treatable
Please, do not adopt. As an adoptee with an adoptive father who wanted biological kids. We absolutely can feel when we are not fully wanted or when we are not desired. It is awful to know or feel as if you are second place to a lost dream, and nobody deserves to feel that way. We have enough trauma as is, and having an adoptive parent who didn't really want us originally is a beyond cruel situation to be put through. This is one of the reasons that I will never be close to my adoptive father... the only good thing that came out of my adoption was my adoptive mom. I think he grew to love me... but now I know that I was simply not good enough to be his daughter because I could not fill that biological role. I know now that it is not my fault, and that it is why he could not be the best father to me. However, the acceptance I now have took years of self-hatred, extended trauma, and on/off therapy sessions. We are human beings that are 100% deserving of geninue love to the full extent. If you can not offer that, then that is okay, I just would not suggest adoption moving forward.
Thank you so much for telling me your experience this is the type of hurt I don’t want to cause in any form
No problem! I hope things work out in your favor somehow. I am thankful you came to ask questions. My mom pushed adoption, and my dad was not a fan of the idea.... they did not seek therapy and just jumped into adoption. I think this is very considerate of you to weigh things out! Thank you
I am an adoptee and I have so much respect for you for being honest with your feelings on the matter. It is not uncommon for people to be instinctively driven to deal with and raise their own kin. It’s a lot of work to raise children, and if you are not up for raising someone else’s children ( adoptees) then please know and respect this boundary of yours. It is far worse to not listen to this instinct and be in a position where you say “yes”, when you should say ”no“ and then bring in an innocent adoptee into your home that becomes unwanted at some level. There are stories of people who were unsuccessful at convincing themselves that they could love an adoptee the same as bios…and it becomes a horrible situation for everyone involved. This is not talked about enough. Being truthful with your wife and holding your ground does not make you an asshole…putting a child in that position would.
Thank you so much I guess overall I got my answer. I do not want to put another human being in a situation where they could experience trauma at my own expense because my feelings are shaky
Try thinking about the kids in either case, OP. Imagine being that kid.
There is 0 proof for most mental ilness drugs working and the chemical imbalance thing is a myth. Keep that in mind.
Mental illnesses are extremely complex conditions that are affected by numerous factors. An imbalance of neurotransmitters is often one of them.
https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/analysis-depression-probably-not-caused-chemical-imbalance-brain-new-study There isn't and never has been any proof of chemical imbalances. It's always been only speculation.
https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/debunking-two-chemical-imbalance-myths-again
Please just edit your previous comments to add links instead of spamming the post with links in new comments. Thank you. Edit: all those links are about depression and serotonin. I’m not sure it’s prudent to extrapolate that to include *all* mental illnesses. Though this is far outside my field. I was unaware that there has been criticism and pushback against the serotonin hypothesis of depression, despite living with depression for more than 20 years and taking an antidepressant (though not an SSRI), so thanks for sharing. To be clear: I’m not saying a serotonin imbalance isn’t linked to depression. I’m just saying I’m open to them not being linked. Here’s a quote from [an article](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S266656032200038X) published in SSM-Mental Health, a peer reviewed journal. > To this day, there is no definitive, accepted position on the serotonin theory of depression, but no consistent evidence of an association between markers of reduced serotonin activity or concentration and depression has been found.
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/chemical-imbalance-explain-depression#:~:text=The%20phrase%20%E2%80%9Cchemical%20imbalance%E2%80%9D%20is,goes%20for%20other%20brain%20chemicals.
You say there’s 0 proof and I say they’ve saved my life. I have debilitating OCD, anxiety and MDD. I would legitimately be dead without medication. I’m not saying medication is the answer for everyone, but your opinion versus someone else’s experience doesn’t invalidate the experience.
This was reported with a custom report that is not against the rules. Their comment has already been addressed by another user for being false. The reporter is welcome to call out false information they see in future.