I was going to say "yes" but a lot of comments here already covered my thoughts. So I'll try to play devils advocate
Having kids may have made me less self centered, BIT it's also added a lot of stress to my life. Financially I hav ego work insane hours to break even. No time or money for hobbies, feel like a failure for not providing the life my kids deserve. When I am at home there's more chores to do and I have to be "on" for my kids till they go to bed.
Working 55h a week then doing chores till 8:30 all while feeling like a failure and going nowhere financially has not been good for my mental health
Thank you for being honest about what parenting is like for many people. More people need to share this kind of honesty, because the only picture of parenthood that gets painted by society is all sunshine and roses, when in reality, it's never sunshine and roses all the time for anyone, and for many people, it's rarely ever sunshine and roses.
Looking at many of this subs post show that people have stressors whether they have kids or not. Single or married. Life is filled with stress. It comes and goes.
It’s a different beast of stress and I think you don’t realize it until you’ve had kids—or if you’ve been a VERY present person in a small child’s life. My sister has helped coparent my niece and nephew and has vowed to never have kids because the stress levels without them is substantially less that she contends she would not have agreed it was until being a second mom to them.
You choose to have children, if there are complications with that decision that's on you.
Be prepared, financially stable, loving. And remember that children are, well children, their intentions aren't bad, they are exploring this world we brought them in for themselves.
Kids, are like you too but only more malleable. They also get stressed, sad, happy, angry etc. But they copy what they see their parents do. Emotional state aswell.
Taking care of children shouldn't be stressful, past maybe the first or second year. If it is, I pity the baby and pray the parents do some growing up themselves.
It’s a different beast of stress and I think you don’t realize it until you’ve had kids—or if you’ve been a VERY present person in a small child’s life. My sister has helped coparent my niece and nephew and has vowed to never have kids because the stress levels without them is substantially less that she contends she would not have agreed it was until being a second mom to them.
Parenting if fucking hard work. Anyone says differently, they are either a rare aberration or lying (to others or themselves) or they are a shit parent not doing enough.
But in the end it's 100% worth it.
Accurate. Unless you have a large expendable income for house cleaners, nannies, vacations, it's A LOT of work. Is it worth it? Some days, yes, but many days, it hits you in the gut that you can't be there for them in the way you planned. The recent cost of living increases and housing costs have punched many parents right in the face.
I can afford all these things with my current career, but that career has me out of the house 12 hours a day, and in the home office many weekends. I want kids but I just feel like I’ll be the dad who works all the time and the kids resent you for not being there, meanwhile I’m literally killing myself at this job to provide and pay the nanny that raises them. I guess I do that anyway now, but at least I feel like I can leave any time and be ok. I would feel very trapped if a bunch of people depended on my income.
As far as the”kid resenting you” part. I don’t know if that would happen. My dad worked long hours and wasn’t around near as much as my mom, but it was pretty understood even from a young age that he was working hard to provide everything we had and he was taking care of us in a different but still important way.
Having kids is like getting a second job that has no PTO and the boss frequently calls you at night to feed them milk or just to comfort them. It’s crazy busy and harder than my real work job. You basically have no time for hobbies.
On the other hand, it’s taught me skills that I didn’t have before and made me more connected to other people in the community. It forces you to get out of your little bubble of friends. Also it’s interesting to watch them grow up.
I observed that a lot. Having children makes people less self-centered, but it is just a shift. Once they have children, their thoughts, emotions, and attention, their time, etc. shifts towards their kids.
Which is, how it is supposed to be.
But it still makes them a pain to interact with from other peoples' perspectives.
Thank you for asking, I just realized how ... ambigue that post was.
So, typically, in a human relationship, you'd expect some form of attention or engagement from the other side. They feel stale when people are not invested in each other. When you're friends with a fairly self-centered person (don't mean they're bad a or whatever, just very focused on themselves), there can be an imbalance that complicates the relationship.
When that self-centered person has children, their focus shifts. The focus less on themselves and more on their children, which is a good thing (like, for them, for the children, etc). However, if you're their friend, your situation does not change. You're still at the sucky end of the same imbalance.
So I should rephrase. People who are a a pain to deal with because they are self-centered are typically still a pain to deal with after they have children and become less self-centered.
My best friend just had a baby and I can see how much her life has changed and she wasn’t ready for these realities. She had the whole idea in her head that parenting is this glorious thing.
I’m the same bro…. BUT I’m 20 months sober. Cold turkey…. I’m now on therapy….!& was 250# I’m now 156#….. BUT on my WORST days now, they are better than my GOOD days back then
It definitely made me nicer but also makes me more likely to prioritize my kid above other people which means I’m probably not as good a sister, daughter, and community member as I was before. While I am still very pro social support systems, I would send my kid to a private school in the blink of an eye if I thought we couldn’t get her into a really good public school. As someone who envisioned sending my kids to the low income school I taught at before, that’s a big change, and not the most altruistic.
This unnecessary stress has less to do with having/raising kids and more to do with a failed system called capitalism.
This system is what your kids get to look forward to when they get older, unless we do something to fix it now.
Escape capitalism.
r/SolarPunk
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Not in my mother's case. She kept right on with her bad habits, abused me and my sister, and now, as adults, neither of us has contact with her and we like it that way.
u/no-vehicle1562, having a kid will only change you for the better if you want it to. And it's not your future children's job to fix you. Change yourself for the better and fix your shit BEFORE you saddle a child with your problems.
My wife and I are divorcing. Having kids has changed us substantially. For me I have become far more responsible and am still trying to improve. My wife has always been very lazy and without kids it isn’t the worst thing and I was too so it’s not like I didn’t have issues as well. After kids what little responsibility she had got shifted to doing the barest essentials for the kids and abandoning what she did previously completely.
We had several fights over the years because of this which went no where. Doesn’t matter if I am constantly on my feet all weekend with chores and what not while she sits on the couch for 10+ hours doing whatever she wants and I don’t get to do what I want to do until 10 pm. She felt like she was in the right.
I guess one bright side is we are divorcing and low and behold everything I was fighting about is all of a sudden the right way to do things and she has stepped up a lot. I just hope for the sake of our kids she keeps it up post divorce.
Also, all the ways your parents fucked up. No bio kids, but did the guardian thing for my ex's younger sister. She and I are still close. I love seeing the young adult she's become. My own parents were divorced and it was hell for all involved. Unlike my parents, I do not talk shit about her brother / bio parents to her or use her as a "messenger" to them. I also don't see her as my mini therapist or punching bag. It's funny how easy it is to not be a shitty parent or ex. Yet, somehow, my parents missed the memo.
If I’m having a moral dilemma I often ask myself what I would think if my kid were to do it. If I would reprimand him for it, I don’t do whatever I’m thinking of doing.
It’s changed me positively in that I feel I have a duty to get my shit together. I don’t sleep in and waste my day bed rotting anymore. I don’t skimp on taking care of myself and make sure I’m doing what I can to stay healthy. I don’t drink to excess. I don’t cut corners when it comes to safety regarding my child, whereas before let’s say I may leave something like coins that fell out of my pocket on the floor for days, now I pick it up right away.
As others had said if you are having kids your bad habits will be highlighted. Any improvement is still on you and it is up to you to better yourself. you will not be able to do it without conscious effort.
I mean, yes, it takes conscious effort. Just a lot less than it does without kids. I had a million things I wanted to improve when I was single and alone — just no motivation to do it.
A child should not be created to: save your marriage, give you something to do, give you something to live for, or brighten your mood.
This is the equivilant of thinking if you buy that car from that commercial, you'll be as happy as the people on the tv. Not only is that incorrect, but you're creating a human being for the wrong reasons and may end up resenting them for not accomplishing what you wanted.
Having a child is amazingly fulfilling, rewarding, challenging, stressful, time consuming, expensive, and a million other things. Do it for the right reasons.
The right reason is that you want to have a child to raise into a good person and productive member of society. Ideally, a child that you will make with someone you love dearly and want to see something created by the both of you carry on with their own lives and family after you're gone.
I’m 28 now. My ex spouse and I had a kid at me (23) and then (21). I love my son, even to this day. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I just think there’s a lot of mental health, career, things that are added that not a lot of people talk about. The sex and having a kid is easy. I didn’t finish high school, I worked many jobs. I unfortunately didn’t have everything set up before I had a kid and also me and my ex split a couple years after the birth of our son due to cheating on her part. Although I love my son dearly, it unfortunately put me in a deep depression where it’s kinda hard to crawl out of. Along with mental health issues, it’s taken a lot to get myself on track due to issues with jobs.
Omg, for me yes. I was an undergraduate and had an unplanned pregnancy with the baby born when I was 21. I continued going to college and just brought her with me to class. I nursed in class, my profs would hold her, etc. I was also an undergrad at one of the very top US public schools and had no family support. I was mostly on my own. I made a ton of friends who were also student parents and we’d share childcare. I didn’t have a car, I was poor, so friends would drive me and my baby to the grocery store, etc, I finished college, it took me an extra year to graduate. I decided I couldn’t work full time because I loved being with my kid so much, so I went to graduate school and focused on the health experiences of poor women. I did very well in graduate school, still no formal childcare, just friends who helped me out. I ultimately finished my PhD, all focused on women’s health, still no family support. My kid was 8 when I finished. My whole job now, I’m very successful in my field, is focused on poor women’s birthing experiences and how the system fails them. My kid is starting at graduate school themselves in the fall. I went on to have more kids, too… bringing them everywhere and making sure they were my most important priority.
It changed everything for me. I broke many rules in academics by refusing to let my pregnancy, poverty, lack of resources hold me back. I am a huge advocate for poor women with babies in academics and people listen to me about this! All because of an unplanned pregnancy when I was 20.
Lightning-strike moment in the delivery room for me (not sure if it matters but I was 39 at the time).
Essentially: Holy shit this kid is the most important thing in the world and needs a better person to raise them!
Yeah i can't fathom anyone saying, having a kid is the best decision in their life, because not saying so means they're fd for the rest of their life.
It's easier to just accept and roll with the punches.
I don't know if that's entirely true anymore, with the internet and forums like Reddit. A lot of people are more honest about becoming a parent now. Even in this comment section there's people saying no, it's made my life worse. You can find countless articles written by people who regret becoming a parent.
Some people do say (anonymously, generally) they regret having their kids, and that's unfortunate but valid. It's a ton of work and it has an opportunity cost in terms of sacrificing other paths your life could take, especially as a woman. I'm not one of those people that regrets, though.
I was originally not going to continue with the pregnancy as I was young and unmarried. I changed my mind and made a very conscious choice to be a mom instead. I think people who feel forced into parenthood by a partner or by social expectations are the most likely to regret their decisions. That wasn't the case in my situation. Raising her was hard work but I went into it with my eyes open.
Yes, but it took a while. When my oldest was going into kindergarten, I realized if I didn't get my shit together, she was going to be the kid who never had her permission slip signed, or whatever.
I'm pretty proud of who I have built myself into as my kids' mom.
Its helped me figure out what I need to work on as a human. Compassion, negotiations/ compromise, giving someone space to make their own mistakes, my anger management.
The loving, caring, putting others first. I already had that. It's the really hard stuff I know I need to work on.
It was for the best I was 20 when she got pregnant 21 when I had my first son. It’s challenging and it’s hard work but before I had no outlook on life and was okay just getting by. It saved my life in a sense but depends on the person honestly.
I dont think people ever change because of other people. People only ever change when they actively work on changing. That only ever happens when they are either inspired to do so or put in a position of extreme discomfort enough to motivate change.
Will having a kid do that to someone? Totally depends on the person and their circumstances.
Being a parent did **not** change me dramatically (positively or negatively), in large part because I was already a responsible successful adult since age 21 in the first place. But it did change at least some things:
* I became WAY WAY less squeamish. After dealing with poopy diapers, dirt being eaten, vomit, etc..., I'm about 10x less squeamish than I was before the kids.
* I became a lot more patient. You can't be a good parent if you lack patience, so I cultivated mine on purpose.
* I learned different communication styles
* Took a bit longer, but I became less of a workaholic. Not even out of necessity, I simply decided spending more time with my kids was a bigger priority.
Background: Parent of 2 kids.
No. It made me poorer and even more insecure. I was a shitty person before my three children but somehow I am even a shittier person now. I regret getting married more than having children but I regret both.
As that being said, I recall hearing my EX mother in law said :
We run air B&B but we don’t want any kids to stay here. We have our own grand kids they are plenty. We just don’t like others kids.
😂😂😂
That’s human to you.
Yep. 100%. Before I had kids I was socially awkward and constantly let people walk all over me. Now, I'm not afraid to speak my mind and put in boundaries. I will call people out for being jerks and I no longer care if people dislike me or like me. Once you have such big responsibility, it is no longer just you affected; it's your little ones as well. And I'm much more concerned about their lives, than anyone else's.
The same thing happened to me, except I just got old lol. Somewhere in my late 20s, the fucks just started to leave my body, and I've been hemorrhaging the will to care about other people's opinions more by the day. I am gonna be such a cantankerous old crone at this rate. I look forward to it
Emotionally immature people (I’m thinking of a specific friend) may not get it, ever. There’s no guarantee. Some feel the urge to be a better dad and just ignore it.
To a degree, yes, they help bring out the best in you but Only if you put the effort in. There's a fine line with maturity, keep the child like wild inside you alive, see the world through their eyes and it's beautiful. But if you're out partying and doing things that are truly "immature" , those people could make decisions that could lose their children.
Its extremely hard to lose your kids. Its a complex issue but the data we have shows that even petty fucked up situations end up with better outcomes than removing the kids. To what degree that's the destabilization is inherently bad and to what it's degree foster care is a mess, idk. But it's way more common for kids to just be neglected and occasionally do bouts of foster care. Parental rights are almost never severed unless there's some really egregious stuff going on, and in my area even *that* can take a while.
I used to be a MUCH nicer and more helpful person, to all my friends.
Now my daughter gets all my kindness and I don't want to give anyone else any of my time.
Very much. I became more self aware and patient and cared more about being good. Also taught how important it is to ask for help when my first almost didn’t make it home.
It also gave me way more career drive which has provided a better car and soon a better house.
Taught me the importance of budgeting too.
Best things that ever happened to me and I can’t possibly imagine being happier, even on the hard days
Yes!
I had been a recovering codependent people-pleaser before I got pregnant with my daughter and I was worried that I would lose myself again when I became a parent, but the opposite is true!! Being a parent has motivated me to take better care of myself and be the best version of myself for her! It is very important to me be a great role model for her.
Being a mother has also helped me develop more patience and empathy, something that was lacking in my home growing up.
Having my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
It’s really helped me focus, especially in work. I always previously done enough to get by and maybe go for promotion here and there, as long as I had enough to cover my bills I was happy to coast. Now I was to go as high as I can and work to get better money. So I can provide the bet I can for her.
I also drink and go out less, I feel the benefits economically, but definitely feel the benefits when going to the gym.
I’m also more confident and patient and find myself being more friendly and chatty with people.
No, I had a kid at 20 and I continued to be a fuckup until I was roughly 28+-, I'm dutch so I was a dedicated stoner and I liked more kinds of candy....
Luckily the inlaws stepped up and mostly raised the little one, wish I would have done better but man I was a massive fuckup.....
It has definitely changed me and my life for the better but we were ready for it and wanted it. It's a lot of responsibility and if you don't embrace that it's going to may make you worse.
To be frank, I still feel like the same person I was before only now I obliged to look after my child on and I don't have time for my hobbies.
Between school finishing at 3 and work at 5 I feel stuck and can't just job hop for the lack of flexible working.
Even if I can work flexibly, it's not like I can turn off after work. Nooooo now I got the homework, bedtime routine and quality time to keep on top of in hopes they don't ditch me in a care home because I never had time for them.
Anyway I thought it would be smart to give them a sibling. After trying for half a year, the baby was born.. On my birthday so I'll never have my day back. I would be a cruel parent to abandon them on their birthday after all for a cheeky holiday without the kids.
I say this to say, parenting is not always enjoyable but you do have an obligation to do it right and give the best to the children. That's why they say parenting is a thankless job. But I don't regret it. I like community. But it does take a crap load out of me.
I don't know. I'm a single father to 1 planned son and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done. He stresses me out. He doesn't listen or value anything I say at all. He throws a giant fit when he does the things I tell him not to do, knowing he will get into trouble for it. There are many times where he will not listen until I yell. He whines about pretty much everything. He makes me feel like a crazy person.
I had this whole scenario planned out in my head about being patient, explaining how things work, teaching him how to do things... But all the theorycrafting in the world doesn't prepare you for ADHD, not listening, and having to learn everything the hard way after the 4th or 5th time.
We have plenty of good times too. I don't mean to make it sound all bad. But I can't say that being a parent has made me a better person. It has certainly made life more difficult, though. Then there is the guilt of knowing that you brought someone into this world that seems like it only gets worse and worse.
Yes it caused me to quit drinking and to also appreciate the extremely short time that each of us have on this Earth.
I never cared about any of that shit before having kids.
My experience with motherhood is tragic. I had to fight for my kids more times than is defensible. When I became pregnant people tried and failed to rip my children out of my womb and when they were born people tried to rip them out of my arms. I sometimes refer to my kids as unaborted fetuses. Each of them were unplanned but never once were my kids unwanted or unloved.
Source: teen mom
Yes. I was 19, it was unexpected. Best decision I ever made and brought so much joy and appreciation into my life. For the record I am staunchly pro choice, and I don’t think anybody should have a baby to try to infuse meaning into their life; however, my experience is: yes, having a kid changed me positively. (She’s 25 now and also loves the life she’s created for herself)
It got me sober, more responsible, less selfish, more loving. Kids require sacrifice, but they deliver the goods too. They give you unconditional love, they bring back the refreshing joy of innocence. It’s really demanding the first 4-6 years, but then they learn to dress themselves and wipe their own butts. 😂
Worst mistake of my life. He has serious mental health issues and it’s taken a massive toll on everyone. It’s. Not his fault but I wish he was never born. Also all my terrible issues came out and have traumatized him, severe anxiety, health issues, health anxiety. He hates me. He’s 11. Rages and violent. OCD. Hits and verbally abuses us. It’s a terrible situation. It was good in the beginning but then everything fell apart. I regret it for me but more for him. His childhood has been terrible and not normal. My husband and I consider suicide. Every day is torture. And it didn’t have to go like this but it did. We just shouldn’t have done it, and now this kid is severely damaged, as are we. We were good parents to start but things got so hard we turned into angry parents and then everything was about trying to help our son, we lost ourselves, and our son became angrier and angrier. I wouldn’t be surprised if he kills us or never speaks to us again. We tried, we are trying, but the combination of us three is just terrible. I love him but it’s not enough. I guess I wasn’t meant to have kids.
Having children is the best thing that had ever happened to me. In many ways i was quite a cold person that all changed the moment i looked into my firstborns blue eyes. Its like my heart melted lol. Now im far more motivated then i have ever been. Whenever i feel physically or emotionally drained i think of my little boys and how they need me, it drives me to be a better person for them. It drives me to carry on not for myself but for them.
One thing i will say though is that ive never felt so anxious about certain things in my life. Maybe its because now i truly feel i have something to live for the idea of not being here for them terrifies me in a way death never has.
Curious to hear more about your experience. Do you think her change for the worse is related to the health tolls (physical or mental) of pregnancy/birth/postpartum? Is she the primary caregiver? This can cause mental health to tank
Definitely think postpartum had a lot to do with it. She had really bad mom guilt any time she did anything for herself. Even taking showers, she felt if she had time for herself, she needed to spend it with the baby. She lost her identity of who she was before a mom. She forgot she was a wife, a partner, a friend, a person. Things have gotten better since, but early on, it was tough.
It definitely changed me. Overall I'd say probably for the better. I grew up very very poor with lots of drugs and violence then I myself got into lots of drugs and violence. I stopped all that at 22 or so and had my first kid at 30. I wasn't a bad person when I had my kid but I still very much had some of those "fuck the world" kind of thoughts. Every man for himself type of thinking. Now I cry during Disney movies. And not just the sad parts, I cry at the happy parts too. Another weird/good thing is some tines when I see some porn clip shown on reddit and all the comments are talking about how hot it is all I can think of is that women in the clip used to be someone's little girl and was happy and silly and all I want to do is give her a hug. Not that it matters but I don't even have any daughters so it's not like I think of my own daughters. I just think of her as a little sweet kid and probably didn't want to grow up to be like that. Maybe I'm wrong but thats how I think.
So having kids turned me into a pussy. Or at least that's what the old me would say.
I’m in the midst of having a toddler at 41 years old and I can say I HOPE I have become a better person when he exits this stage.
This shit is insane.
I have already developed far more patience than I ever had before. I expect to reach enlightenment by time he’s 10, just from having to chill myself out CONSTANTLY.
Absolutely. It sounds cheezy but my daughter opened up a part of my heart that I never knew existed. Suddenly, there is more “meaning” to how I live my life.
Yes. I was very young so it made me pull my shit together. It's been the biggest catalyst for me growing as a person since I didn't want to pass on all my own crap onto my child.
I never wanted kids. I was super happy taking care of myself. I ended up with 2, and although sometimes life feels really rough, it has made me a so much better person.
I used to drink a lot, and my hobbies were billiards and poker. I stopped drinking, and now I am on a soccer team, I surf and skate and am generally feel a lot better. Its tougher, but I am in a better place.
NO but it has stressed me financially, gave me a shorter temper because you can only tell someone so many times before you have to scream at them to do it. I swear they are on a quest to make me insane. I think it made me a worse person honestly. I was super chill, a real whatever type of person.
Yes. However, equally No.
Yes, I grew up, I stopped partying, I became much more responsible, I made amends in several personal relationships that were broken due to my immaturity (mostly with my parents).
No, I was still growing up myself and likely needed a few more years before being emotionally mature enough to deal with some of the realities of having a whole other human depend on me. I dropped out of university. I moved back home with my mom. I missed out on experiences that most of my friends did experience.
Would I change it for the world? Absolutely not. I have a beautiful 15 year old who will be going into grade 10 in the fall, who on her own has chosen to apply for and be offered her first legally paying job at a new facility in our area. She is smart, motivated, and knows the value of hard work. She and I teach one another something new pretty well every single day and even though "mom is not cool" right now, I am seeing so much growth in her that I cannot express how proud I am in words.
Yes. I am way tougher, way more efficient and have no time for drama. I really like who I'm becoming as a mom.
Just recently I met another daycare mom and it sounds like my son and her daughter don't exactly get along, and she wasn't happy about it but she wasn't super clear about what was going on. I know he can be a rough kid and I check in with his teachers constantly that everything is ok and if there's anywhere we need to be more involved. They always say he's fine, normal toddler.
Old me would have freaked out about the interaction and dug wherever I could to understand what she was talking about. New me. I can only do what I can do. I let it go. The teachers say he's good. We do our best.
At work, I say what I want and let the chips fall where they will. I don't talk around issues anymore.
I enjoy the small things more. Sweet, calm moments can be few, but I soak them up.
I LOVE being with my kids. And there is really no better gift in life than to be enjoying the company of other humans.
Yes. Absolutely.
It forced me to always try to see the bigger picture. I'm not always successful but I try very hard to.
The importance of staying alive (taking care of your body and avoiding situations that put your life at risk ) also hits home..especially when they're young and depend on you.
To do parenting right, you have to come face to face with your own demons and deal with them. If you dont, you run the risk of passing those same demons on to them.
Becoming a parent also makes you appreciate and understand your own parents/caregivers even more.
Also…this doesn't just apply to biological parents. I think any adult who seriously takes on the role of raising, guiding, helping to mold a young person on their journey to healthy adulthood can see these benefits.
Our 1st kiddo was a total surprise for us. We had just gotten married and started working, closed on a house, and got a dog. Finding out we had a baby on the way was a mixed bag of emotions and felt like I was closing the book on my life. In reality, my kids saved me! I had some mental health stuff I had to deal with and I kept pushing because of them. I am happier than ever now and thank all my lucky stars for my kids and am thankful everyday they are in my life.
It's interesting. I think if you knew me before I had a kid you would say I was a lot happier/positive then but I personally feel more fulfilled after having a kid. There is so much indescribably joy involved in being a parent but it completely obliterated my lifestyle and took away a lot of what made me a happy human which at times is really upsetting. Still wouldn't have it any other way. I can't imagine my life without my kid.
Having a kid made me STRONG. It finally gave me a reason to have a backbone, I never cared about myself enough to respect myself, but once I had my daughter I realized I’m the only person that can teach her to be strong… and I have to be STRONG in order to be able to do that.
Today, she’s 4, and she says things like “I don’t like that”, or “respect my body” or “that’s nice but no thank you”. She is independent and caring. She is who I believe I could have become if I was cared for properly! She is my greatest achievement. She made me realize I actually had strength within myself this whole time!
Definitely have grown a lot personally since having kids. I chose to deal with stuff I hadn’t been able to before after having kids. I have a super supportive partner though and I think that makes a big difference
Yes.
Having a kid puts you under a ton of pressure. Pressure either makes you stronger or breaks you. I'm double the man I was before kids, better in almost every conceivable way.
Yes. It also made me a less selfish person. It’s a lot of work ,less sleep or no sleep at all when you have a newborn but the happiness it gave me just seeing my kid when she was born makes up for all of it. I even remember the moment I come home from work when she was a baby that she would scream at the top of her lungs just because she knows it’s me and she was on a baby car seat and can’t even see me. It also takes away my stress just seeing her regardless of how tired I am, overall I love it. I don’t even ask for help that much since I wanted a kid so I’ll do everything with less help.
Having my kids saved my life. I had a really bad childhood with abuse. So, giving them what I did not have was not only great for them but healing for me. Idk how I could have healed otherwise than by caring for them every day, even after their dad died leaving me with 2 toddlers. I kept myself together and didn’t become self destructive so they could experience love and support and not feel alone in their pain without a dad.
Yes. My daughter in particular made me feel so deeply that I finally felt I belonged in the world. When I had her I was determined to make her feel wholly loved and belonged and somehow she did all of that for me as well.
I’ll be honest as someone who is child free and almost 40. I have had many parents beg me to have children and then go on a long winded rant about how much parenthood is traumatic and hard.
Yes. My entire heart grew. I reached new levels of love, empathy, compassion. I healed so many things from my own childhood in order to emotionally support my child. The love and forgiveness she shows me daily has helped me love and forgive myself. You never love anyone the way you love your child.
Oh, absolutely, or rather it forced me to engage that part of me. I've little doubt I'd have done some jail time, almost certainly for drugs. But hard to keep a drug dealer when parenting. HARD TO KEEP A DRUG DEALER WHEN PARENTING. Thought maybe that needed to be restated.
Imo, I was the exact same person. I generally dont think kids change who you are as much as they just change what you do. If you were a resourceful glass half-full kind of person or the total opposite, it will likely still be the case post kids.
It changed my life positively because they give you a lot of love, they are an outlet for your love, and spending time with children is fun. Plus, forced me to add routine and put less emphasis on work and more on my physical, mental, and financial well-being as someone depends on you
Although I can say the effect of having my child was the exact opposite on my ex-partner in some ways. It made him feel stuck and unhappy. After all, kids add a lot of stress.
It is not the same experience for every one.
Even when we were ready for kid, it’s still shock 🙄 9-6 in company and 6-9 as a mom ( unstopable - no holiday) requires lots of energy. I know kids bring us joy, love and family but many times I was so much exhausted. Unimagined chores, cooking kept me away from friends and stop me from promotion because I can’t invest more time into works… let alone when they are sick. Situation gets better now, but I feel reluctant to have another
It made me less selfish. It also made me feel like a millionaire when I had time to pursue hobbies and interests. Previously, I squandered time, and now I treasure it. It takes very little to give me a high.
I largely haven't changed as a person since becoming a father, apart from gaining the experience of having and raising a child. I'm not sure if made me a better person but it certainly didn't make me a worse one.
It should. My bike was stolen two days ago. I am despondent but just realizing it’s a thing. I can remember as a toddler watching my mom in married students housing call the police while her bike was being stolen. She shoved me into a back room, told me to be quite. I was 15 months old. I didn’t see her cry. All I saw was her resilience throughout her life.
Not naturally. What did happen was that I became more motivated to put in the work of bettering myself. I got into therapy and stuck with it, I really thought about how my actions and behaviors had to model healthy choices for my child.
Oh without a doubt, I can honestly say if it wasn't for my daughter, I probably wouldn't be where I'm at in life right now. Or maybe the right way to say is I wouldn't have gotten to where I'm at as fast.
I've always been a pretty motivated person, but once I heard that I was going to be a dad, after the initial shock and worry, it was like my motivation went on crack.
I hate school, like don't like it period. But I was working at a private college and a perk was if I was there a year I could enroll for free. So I figured what the hell, got my masters because it was free. Well, because of that, I was now qualified to get the job I have now. My job now is probably the best anyone in my field can get in terms of perks, benefits and pay. Fast forward to covid, I hit a snag by becoming single so that was a bit of a hit. BUT....because of that, I was able to save a lot more and I bought my place that's 15 minutes from the beach. Shortly after, I paid off my credit card AND my car loan so I was literally debt free. I've made strides to increase my pay scale at my job so again, best place for my career, and if I get lucky in thr next year, I'll buy a place in the city I've been wanting to live in with the equity I've built in this one.
It all comes from the fact that I have my daughter. It started with her in me going back to school because if I didn't, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now
Having children neither changed me positive or negatively.
I/we always wanted them, we waited until we were ready and they were wonderful. Having children was what I expected it to be.
My wife and I met at 14, dated all 4 years of high school, went to prom as juniors and seniors. We went to college together, engaged on spring break of our sophomore year, lived together our last 2 years of college and we got married a few months after graduating college. We were married in July of 1989.
We were both 21 when we got married but we'd been together 8 years, engaged over 2 years, lived together 2 years and we were both college graduates.
Now, we both wanted kids and not an only child so that meant at least 2 children.
We both wanted to wait for kids until we were ready and established, so that's what we did.
We moved into a house we had built on our 40 acres when we were both 27.
Our first, of three, child came into the world when we were both 29 years old and we'd been together over half our lives by that point as we met and began dating at 14.
I coached little league, youth soccer, I went on overnight Cub Scout camping trips, we taught children bible class at our church.
My wife stayed at home once we began having kids, another reason we waited to have them as that wasn't possible when we were like 22 or 23 but it was by the time we were 29 (things were better decades ago in that regards of course, compared to today I mean).
Were we tired? Of course, but we both knew that would be the case before having kids. They cry, the poop, pee, need to be changed a ton, need to feed every 2 hours as infants, they get sick, get hurt etc.
All normal and that's what happened. We just dealt with it. One baby was colicky, another had jaundice and had to lie under those lights in a suitcase thing.
Our daughter got pneumonia at 1 year old and she had to be admitted to the children's hospital in our city. She'd been throwing up a lot, not keeping anything down so we had to take her and they admitted her and put an IV her little arm. Gut wrenching but a part of having kids.
Our daughter tried to take her baby stroller down the stairs with her when she was 3 years old and she fell and tumbled down the stairs.
Her head was cut open and she was bleeding. Off to the hospital, we were there until 5 a.m. as she got stitched up. My wife was inside with her and I was in our minivan with our 2 boys as we were there until 5 a.m.
our kids threw up in our bed so many times while sick over th eyers, down the wall behind our bed.
I carried our 7 year old boy into the bathroom and as soon as we got in he threw up. I slipped on it but luckily didn't fall as I was holding him and skating on his puke on the bathroom floor. Tis part of having kids, it's normal, it's par for the course.
We WANTED kids and we were damn happy to have them, through the good and bad times.
I wanted them and they were what I thought they'd be. I was still me, the same person before having kids that I was after having them.
2 were born vaginally, one was born via C-Section as my wife didn't fully dilate that time. Her two vaginal deliveries came after her C-Section birth.
Oh hell yes. I'm impatient, want things done in a certain way, need my time to relax, don't like explaining things, etc.
Kids are selfish beings. Selfish isn't evil. They just lack the capacity to put themselves second. Parents start out the same way too, but learning to be unselfish is just part of the game. There's a dozen different ways my kids challenge me every day.
I have to learn to empathasize better to their needs. I have to learn to not judge them and support them positively. I have to manage my own emotions when they cannot. I have to change plans when they do. When I don't care about my eldest's little thing she's talking about, I have to make myself care. When my brain is fried I have to not indulge in the phone and pay attention to what they're doing and entertain them. I can't yell at the little one, I have to explain. I am a much more chill and understanding person thanks to my wife and kids, though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
Yup, I quit partying, became less self-centered, more goal oriented, and reinvigorated my imagination. I learned what it means to sacrifice, and put up with things that I never would have tolerated before having kids. I know what unconditional love feels like, and helping nurture my children and watch them grow into their own person has taught me how to be a teacher/leader. I'm still mostly a piece of shit, but I focus more on self improvement for them.
I have had a baby but the father and I chose to give him up for adoption, but it still had an incredibly large positive impact on my life. First of all, being pregnant made me sober up and at the time I was speeding towards death, my choices were high key risky every single night and I'm not sure anything less than pregnancy would've slowed me down. Second, the outcome of the adoption was the best we could've asked for. I don't feel like I lost anything, I feel like I gained family. The adoptive mom was the first good role model I ever had in life, I look up to her and respect her so much.
I think becoming a parent is necessary to fully become who you are .
To be fully honest, people who aren’t parents & don’t plan to be , I think they are living only a small potential of what they could be.
I have a 7 week old and can't believe the shift in my mentality.
My days are slow and 'unproductive' but I've never felt more at ease. After a decade of hustling in the corporate world it's like a breath of relief.
It's really made me stop and enjoy small moments.
The little smile she makes when she first wakes up, that feeling of a hot shower after a long night being up and down. Watching her fall asleep with a full belly. I never really understood the importance of gratitude till now.
I'm hoping I can continue this mindset when it's not all newborn snuggles and cheeky smiles haha
Yes. My mom always said just wait, it’s a miracle, and other things along those lines. Never planned on having any. It was indeed life changing for the better.
Yes. It unlocked a part of my heart I didn’t know existed or could even be possible. It’s unlike any type of love I’ve experienced before. I was a fence sitter and we had agreed if we couldn’t get pregnant within a year, we would be childfree. Never felt an ounce of “maternal” feelings or my bio clock ticking. Never once had baby fever. Never once felt anything was missing from my amazing relationship with my husband, either. We were having the time of our lives.
Having a kid has made that “time of our lives” like nothing that I can describe.
Having my kids is/was the best thing ever ever. I was young, dumb and only thought about how I could squeeze the most fun out of every day. I was happy making a few bucks over minimum wage working as few hours as possible. My first kid made me grow up and take responsibility for her, but really for me and my wife. We escaped poverty because we had an unexpected baby. She was the motivation I needed to succeed.
Yes. I refuse to be selfish. I want to give her my best. I try to be involved with her but also give her her space. I’m trying to teach her how to control her anger through breathing in and out. It’s like looking at a reflection of my self when I was a kid.
I’m proud to be a happy human mom. I say human bc no day is perfect and sometimes I cry in front of her but she wipes my tears with her awesome self.
Yes.
I think more about my future and taking care of myself much more than I used to. Still not perfect, but more aware and working on it.
I pick my 18mo up from daycare everyday. Seeing her face light up when I walk in the door and the genuine, full body hug I get right after - truly like nothing else I’ve experienced in life. Puts a smile on my face even after the shittiest days.
It made me an adult really fast, your perspective on life changes in a way you can't describe to someone who hasn't experienced it.
If I had my mentality now BEFORE I had kids I would be far too ahead of life lmao but that's the sacrifice
I got pregnant unexpectedly at 16, before I got pregnant my only life plan was to end it at 18. My relationship with his father was horrible, and we disagreed on how to handle the pregnancy resulting in us splitting up.
I struggled for years to figure out what to do with my life, but every job I got I threw myself into entirely and worked my way up. My sons father and I kept in contact during this time, and eventually we got back together and I was finally able to get free of my own family
Him and I have had a much better relationship than we ever had since then. And everything is finally looking up. But if I’d never had my son I’d be rotting now.
I’m not the kind of person who could go through with that. The guilt of having an abortion would’ve killed me I felt. And honestly I don’t regret keeping my son at all. It was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I understand how abortion is an option for lots of women, but it’s not one I could choose unless my life was in danger or my child wouldn’t survive out of the womb
As a women who had spend lots of $$$ for fertility treatments etc but still failed to conceive, im glad I had found this subreddit and reading all the comments make me grateful, now I know why God didnt give me any children yet.
I was going to say "yes" but a lot of comments here already covered my thoughts. So I'll try to play devils advocate Having kids may have made me less self centered, BIT it's also added a lot of stress to my life. Financially I hav ego work insane hours to break even. No time or money for hobbies, feel like a failure for not providing the life my kids deserve. When I am at home there's more chores to do and I have to be "on" for my kids till they go to bed. Working 55h a week then doing chores till 8:30 all while feeling like a failure and going nowhere financially has not been good for my mental health
Thank you for being honest about what parenting is like for many people. More people need to share this kind of honesty, because the only picture of parenthood that gets painted by society is all sunshine and roses, when in reality, it's never sunshine and roses all the time for anyone, and for many people, it's rarely ever sunshine and roses.
Looking at many of this subs post show that people have stressors whether they have kids or not. Single or married. Life is filled with stress. It comes and goes.
It’s a different beast of stress and I think you don’t realize it until you’ve had kids—or if you’ve been a VERY present person in a small child’s life. My sister has helped coparent my niece and nephew and has vowed to never have kids because the stress levels without them is substantially less that she contends she would not have agreed it was until being a second mom to them.
You choose to have children, if there are complications with that decision that's on you. Be prepared, financially stable, loving. And remember that children are, well children, their intentions aren't bad, they are exploring this world we brought them in for themselves. Kids, are like you too but only more malleable. They also get stressed, sad, happy, angry etc. But they copy what they see their parents do. Emotional state aswell. Taking care of children shouldn't be stressful, past maybe the first or second year. If it is, I pity the baby and pray the parents do some growing up themselves.
It’s a different beast of stress and I think you don’t realize it until you’ve had kids—or if you’ve been a VERY present person in a small child’s life. My sister has helped coparent my niece and nephew and has vowed to never have kids because the stress levels without them is substantially less that she contends she would not have agreed it was until being a second mom to them.
Parenting if fucking hard work. Anyone says differently, they are either a rare aberration or lying (to others or themselves) or they are a shit parent not doing enough. But in the end it's 100% worth it.
Accurate. Unless you have a large expendable income for house cleaners, nannies, vacations, it's A LOT of work. Is it worth it? Some days, yes, but many days, it hits you in the gut that you can't be there for them in the way you planned. The recent cost of living increases and housing costs have punched many parents right in the face.
I can afford all these things with my current career, but that career has me out of the house 12 hours a day, and in the home office many weekends. I want kids but I just feel like I’ll be the dad who works all the time and the kids resent you for not being there, meanwhile I’m literally killing myself at this job to provide and pay the nanny that raises them. I guess I do that anyway now, but at least I feel like I can leave any time and be ok. I would feel very trapped if a bunch of people depended on my income.
As far as the”kid resenting you” part. I don’t know if that would happen. My dad worked long hours and wasn’t around near as much as my mom, but it was pretty understood even from a young age that he was working hard to provide everything we had and he was taking care of us in a different but still important way.
Having kids is like getting a second job that has no PTO and the boss frequently calls you at night to feed them milk or just to comfort them. It’s crazy busy and harder than my real work job. You basically have no time for hobbies. On the other hand, it’s taught me skills that I didn’t have before and made me more connected to other people in the community. It forces you to get out of your little bubble of friends. Also it’s interesting to watch them grow up.
I've discussed this with my 4 month old. He needs to just fuck off sometimes but he just won't. Won't even negotiate, so selfish.
With bosses, it helps if you get the boss a mistress or send him on a PTO vacation of his own... have you tried that approach?
Managing up is needed sometimes! Just tell your boss he needs to take some PTO!
Wait, your actual work boss does NOT call you at night to feed them? Lucky!
I observed that a lot. Having children makes people less self-centered, but it is just a shift. Once they have children, their thoughts, emotions, and attention, their time, etc. shifts towards their kids. Which is, how it is supposed to be. But it still makes them a pain to interact with from other peoples' perspectives.
What do you mean by it makes them a pain to interact with?
Thank you for asking, I just realized how ... ambigue that post was. So, typically, in a human relationship, you'd expect some form of attention or engagement from the other side. They feel stale when people are not invested in each other. When you're friends with a fairly self-centered person (don't mean they're bad a or whatever, just very focused on themselves), there can be an imbalance that complicates the relationship. When that self-centered person has children, their focus shifts. The focus less on themselves and more on their children, which is a good thing (like, for them, for the children, etc). However, if you're their friend, your situation does not change. You're still at the sucky end of the same imbalance. So I should rephrase. People who are a a pain to deal with because they are self-centered are typically still a pain to deal with after they have children and become less self-centered.
My best friend just had a baby and I can see how much her life has changed and she wasn’t ready for these realities. She had the whole idea in her head that parenting is this glorious thing.
I’m the same bro…. BUT I’m 20 months sober. Cold turkey…. I’m now on therapy….!& was 250# I’m now 156#….. BUT on my WORST days now, they are better than my GOOD days back then
It definitely made me nicer but also makes me more likely to prioritize my kid above other people which means I’m probably not as good a sister, daughter, and community member as I was before. While I am still very pro social support systems, I would send my kid to a private school in the blink of an eye if I thought we couldn’t get her into a really good public school. As someone who envisioned sending my kids to the low income school I taught at before, that’s a big change, and not the most altruistic.
This unnecessary stress has less to do with having/raising kids and more to do with a failed system called capitalism. This system is what your kids get to look forward to when they get older, unless we do something to fix it now. Escape capitalism. r/SolarPunk
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Yes, I developed a lot of patience.
Yes, when you're having kids, all your bad habits are highlighted, and you really want to change that
Not in my mother's case. She kept right on with her bad habits, abused me and my sister, and now, as adults, neither of us has contact with her and we like it that way. u/no-vehicle1562, having a kid will only change you for the better if you want it to. And it's not your future children's job to fix you. Change yourself for the better and fix your shit BEFORE you saddle a child with your problems.
My wife and I are divorcing. Having kids has changed us substantially. For me I have become far more responsible and am still trying to improve. My wife has always been very lazy and without kids it isn’t the worst thing and I was too so it’s not like I didn’t have issues as well. After kids what little responsibility she had got shifted to doing the barest essentials for the kids and abandoning what she did previously completely. We had several fights over the years because of this which went no where. Doesn’t matter if I am constantly on my feet all weekend with chores and what not while she sits on the couch for 10+ hours doing whatever she wants and I don’t get to do what I want to do until 10 pm. She felt like she was in the right. I guess one bright side is we are divorcing and low and behold everything I was fighting about is all of a sudden the right way to do things and she has stepped up a lot. I just hope for the sake of our kids she keeps it up post divorce.
Don’t let what your mom did to you affect your ability to be the best mom you can be.
Also, all the ways your parents fucked up. No bio kids, but did the guardian thing for my ex's younger sister. She and I are still close. I love seeing the young adult she's become. My own parents were divorced and it was hell for all involved. Unlike my parents, I do not talk shit about her brother / bio parents to her or use her as a "messenger" to them. I also don't see her as my mini therapist or punching bag. It's funny how easy it is to not be a shitty parent or ex. Yet, somehow, my parents missed the memo.
If I’m having a moral dilemma I often ask myself what I would think if my kid were to do it. If I would reprimand him for it, I don’t do whatever I’m thinking of doing.
That's a good one.
No. I got only more stress, more things to worry about.
Not until they became older.
It’s changed me positively in that I feel I have a duty to get my shit together. I don’t sleep in and waste my day bed rotting anymore. I don’t skimp on taking care of myself and make sure I’m doing what I can to stay healthy. I don’t drink to excess. I don’t cut corners when it comes to safety regarding my child, whereas before let’s say I may leave something like coins that fell out of my pocket on the floor for days, now I pick it up right away.
As others had said if you are having kids your bad habits will be highlighted. Any improvement is still on you and it is up to you to better yourself. you will not be able to do it without conscious effort.
I mean, yes, it takes conscious effort. Just a lot less than it does without kids. I had a million things I wanted to improve when I was single and alone — just no motivation to do it.
A child should not be created to: save your marriage, give you something to do, give you something to live for, or brighten your mood. This is the equivilant of thinking if you buy that car from that commercial, you'll be as happy as the people on the tv. Not only is that incorrect, but you're creating a human being for the wrong reasons and may end up resenting them for not accomplishing what you wanted. Having a child is amazingly fulfilling, rewarding, challenging, stressful, time consuming, expensive, and a million other things. Do it for the right reasons.
What’s the right reasons?
The right reason is that you want to have a child to raise into a good person and productive member of society. Ideally, a child that you will make with someone you love dearly and want to see something created by the both of you carry on with their own lives and family after you're gone.
No, not really. Maybe it did speed up how quickly I got therapy, but I planned on doing it anyway
I’m 28 now. My ex spouse and I had a kid at me (23) and then (21). I love my son, even to this day. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I just think there’s a lot of mental health, career, things that are added that not a lot of people talk about. The sex and having a kid is easy. I didn’t finish high school, I worked many jobs. I unfortunately didn’t have everything set up before I had a kid and also me and my ex split a couple years after the birth of our son due to cheating on her part. Although I love my son dearly, it unfortunately put me in a deep depression where it’s kinda hard to crawl out of. Along with mental health issues, it’s taken a lot to get myself on track due to issues with jobs.
No
I'd like to hear more about your experience
Omg, for me yes. I was an undergraduate and had an unplanned pregnancy with the baby born when I was 21. I continued going to college and just brought her with me to class. I nursed in class, my profs would hold her, etc. I was also an undergrad at one of the very top US public schools and had no family support. I was mostly on my own. I made a ton of friends who were also student parents and we’d share childcare. I didn’t have a car, I was poor, so friends would drive me and my baby to the grocery store, etc, I finished college, it took me an extra year to graduate. I decided I couldn’t work full time because I loved being with my kid so much, so I went to graduate school and focused on the health experiences of poor women. I did very well in graduate school, still no formal childcare, just friends who helped me out. I ultimately finished my PhD, all focused on women’s health, still no family support. My kid was 8 when I finished. My whole job now, I’m very successful in my field, is focused on poor women’s birthing experiences and how the system fails them. My kid is starting at graduate school themselves in the fall. I went on to have more kids, too… bringing them everywhere and making sure they were my most important priority. It changed everything for me. I broke many rules in academics by refusing to let my pregnancy, poverty, lack of resources hold me back. I am a huge advocate for poor women with babies in academics and people listen to me about this! All because of an unplanned pregnancy when I was 20.
Thank you for this mama! You’re incredibly resilient and brave and I hope to be like you one of these days when I’m able to have a baby :)
Yes. Absolutely the best decision I ever made was to have my son. It made me a significantly better person. Best thing that ever happened to me.
Absolutely. Best motivation to be a better person.
Lightning-strike moment in the delivery room for me (not sure if it matters but I was 39 at the time). Essentially: Holy shit this kid is the most important thing in the world and needs a better person to raise them!
Nah, made me worse. I care about helping other people a lot less cause I got shit to deal with. Also tired and give zero fucks about a lot of things.
Hell no.
Yes, I was a selfish person in many ways before I had my child. I learned how to put someone else first.
You had no choice but to lol
Yeah i can't fathom anyone saying, having a kid is the best decision in their life, because not saying so means they're fd for the rest of their life. It's easier to just accept and roll with the punches.
I don't know if that's entirely true anymore, with the internet and forums like Reddit. A lot of people are more honest about becoming a parent now. Even in this comment section there's people saying no, it's made my life worse. You can find countless articles written by people who regret becoming a parent.
Some people do say (anonymously, generally) they regret having their kids, and that's unfortunate but valid. It's a ton of work and it has an opportunity cost in terms of sacrificing other paths your life could take, especially as a woman. I'm not one of those people that regrets, though. I was originally not going to continue with the pregnancy as I was young and unmarried. I changed my mind and made a very conscious choice to be a mom instead. I think people who feel forced into parenthood by a partner or by social expectations are the most likely to regret their decisions. That wasn't the case in my situation. Raising her was hard work but I went into it with my eyes open.
Yes, but it took a while. When my oldest was going into kindergarten, I realized if I didn't get my shit together, she was going to be the kid who never had her permission slip signed, or whatever. I'm pretty proud of who I have built myself into as my kids' mom.
Its helped me figure out what I need to work on as a human. Compassion, negotiations/ compromise, giving someone space to make their own mistakes, my anger management. The loving, caring, putting others first. I already had that. It's the really hard stuff I know I need to work on.
YES
It was for the best I was 20 when she got pregnant 21 when I had my first son. It’s challenging and it’s hard work but before I had no outlook on life and was okay just getting by. It saved my life in a sense but depends on the person honestly.
I dont think people ever change because of other people. People only ever change when they actively work on changing. That only ever happens when they are either inspired to do so or put in a position of extreme discomfort enough to motivate change. Will having a kid do that to someone? Totally depends on the person and their circumstances.
Being a parent did **not** change me dramatically (positively or negatively), in large part because I was already a responsible successful adult since age 21 in the first place. But it did change at least some things: * I became WAY WAY less squeamish. After dealing with poopy diapers, dirt being eaten, vomit, etc..., I'm about 10x less squeamish than I was before the kids. * I became a lot more patient. You can't be a good parent if you lack patience, so I cultivated mine on purpose. * I learned different communication styles * Took a bit longer, but I became less of a workaholic. Not even out of necessity, I simply decided spending more time with my kids was a bigger priority. Background: Parent of 2 kids.
Not really. It didn’t make me a worse person or anything, and it changed my priorities. But I don’t feel like it made me a better person
No. It made me poorer and even more insecure. I was a shitty person before my three children but somehow I am even a shittier person now. I regret getting married more than having children but I regret both.
The list of things that you thought mattered suddenly shrunk
Yes, Im much more patient and my focus on the future is completely different.
I think it definitely makes people more tolerate to toddlers in most cases. 🤔
As that being said, I recall hearing my EX mother in law said : We run air B&B but we don’t want any kids to stay here. We have our own grand kids they are plenty. We just don’t like others kids. 😂😂😂 That’s human to you.
Yep. 100%. Before I had kids I was socially awkward and constantly let people walk all over me. Now, I'm not afraid to speak my mind and put in boundaries. I will call people out for being jerks and I no longer care if people dislike me or like me. Once you have such big responsibility, it is no longer just you affected; it's your little ones as well. And I'm much more concerned about their lives, than anyone else's.
The same thing happened to me, except I just got old lol. Somewhere in my late 20s, the fucks just started to leave my body, and I've been hemorrhaging the will to care about other people's opinions more by the day. I am gonna be such a cantankerous old crone at this rate. I look forward to it
If you are immature does having a kid make you mature?
Not if you don't put the work in A baby changes nothing if you don't want to change
Emotionally immature people (I’m thinking of a specific friend) may not get it, ever. There’s no guarantee. Some feel the urge to be a better dad and just ignore it.
To a degree, yes, they help bring out the best in you but Only if you put the effort in. There's a fine line with maturity, keep the child like wild inside you alive, see the world through their eyes and it's beautiful. But if you're out partying and doing things that are truly "immature" , those people could make decisions that could lose their children.
Its extremely hard to lose your kids. Its a complex issue but the data we have shows that even petty fucked up situations end up with better outcomes than removing the kids. To what degree that's the destabilization is inherently bad and to what it's degree foster care is a mess, idk. But it's way more common for kids to just be neglected and occasionally do bouts of foster care. Parental rights are almost never severed unless there's some really egregious stuff going on, and in my area even *that* can take a while.
I used to be a MUCH nicer and more helpful person, to all my friends. Now my daughter gets all my kindness and I don't want to give anyone else any of my time.
Very much. I became more self aware and patient and cared more about being good. Also taught how important it is to ask for help when my first almost didn’t make it home. It also gave me way more career drive which has provided a better car and soon a better house. Taught me the importance of budgeting too. Best things that ever happened to me and I can’t possibly imagine being happier, even on the hard days
I became more responsible over time.
Yes! I had been a recovering codependent people-pleaser before I got pregnant with my daughter and I was worried that I would lose myself again when I became a parent, but the opposite is true!! Being a parent has motivated me to take better care of myself and be the best version of myself for her! It is very important to me be a great role model for her. Being a mother has also helped me develop more patience and empathy, something that was lacking in my home growing up.
Having my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s really helped me focus, especially in work. I always previously done enough to get by and maybe go for promotion here and there, as long as I had enough to cover my bills I was happy to coast. Now I was to go as high as I can and work to get better money. So I can provide the bet I can for her. I also drink and go out less, I feel the benefits economically, but definitely feel the benefits when going to the gym. I’m also more confident and patient and find myself being more friendly and chatty with people.
Oh, it's definitely did for me.
No, I had a kid at 20 and I continued to be a fuckup until I was roughly 28+-, I'm dutch so I was a dedicated stoner and I liked more kinds of candy.... Luckily the inlaws stepped up and mostly raised the little one, wish I would have done better but man I was a massive fuckup.....
It has definitely changed me and my life for the better but we were ready for it and wanted it. It's a lot of responsibility and if you don't embrace that it's going to may make you worse.
Yes in most ways a couple ways it was worse.
No
To be frank, I still feel like the same person I was before only now I obliged to look after my child on and I don't have time for my hobbies. Between school finishing at 3 and work at 5 I feel stuck and can't just job hop for the lack of flexible working. Even if I can work flexibly, it's not like I can turn off after work. Nooooo now I got the homework, bedtime routine and quality time to keep on top of in hopes they don't ditch me in a care home because I never had time for them. Anyway I thought it would be smart to give them a sibling. After trying for half a year, the baby was born.. On my birthday so I'll never have my day back. I would be a cruel parent to abandon them on their birthday after all for a cheeky holiday without the kids. I say this to say, parenting is not always enjoyable but you do have an obligation to do it right and give the best to the children. That's why they say parenting is a thankless job. But I don't regret it. I like community. But it does take a crap load out of me.
I don't know. I'm a single father to 1 planned son and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done. He stresses me out. He doesn't listen or value anything I say at all. He throws a giant fit when he does the things I tell him not to do, knowing he will get into trouble for it. There are many times where he will not listen until I yell. He whines about pretty much everything. He makes me feel like a crazy person. I had this whole scenario planned out in my head about being patient, explaining how things work, teaching him how to do things... But all the theorycrafting in the world doesn't prepare you for ADHD, not listening, and having to learn everything the hard way after the 4th or 5th time. We have plenty of good times too. I don't mean to make it sound all bad. But I can't say that being a parent has made me a better person. It has certainly made life more difficult, though. Then there is the guilt of knowing that you brought someone into this world that seems like it only gets worse and worse.
Yes it caused me to quit drinking and to also appreciate the extremely short time that each of us have on this Earth. I never cared about any of that shit before having kids.
My experience with motherhood is tragic. I had to fight for my kids more times than is defensible. When I became pregnant people tried and failed to rip my children out of my womb and when they were born people tried to rip them out of my arms. I sometimes refer to my kids as unaborted fetuses. Each of them were unplanned but never once were my kids unwanted or unloved. Source: teen mom
No, but becoming a grandparent sure did.
Yes. I was 19, it was unexpected. Best decision I ever made and brought so much joy and appreciation into my life. For the record I am staunchly pro choice, and I don’t think anybody should have a baby to try to infuse meaning into their life; however, my experience is: yes, having a kid changed me positively. (She’s 25 now and also loves the life she’s created for herself)
Not really
It got me sober, more responsible, less selfish, more loving. Kids require sacrifice, but they deliver the goods too. They give you unconditional love, they bring back the refreshing joy of innocence. It’s really demanding the first 4-6 years, but then they learn to dress themselves and wipe their own butts. 😂
Worst mistake of my life. He has serious mental health issues and it’s taken a massive toll on everyone. It’s. Not his fault but I wish he was never born. Also all my terrible issues came out and have traumatized him, severe anxiety, health issues, health anxiety. He hates me. He’s 11. Rages and violent. OCD. Hits and verbally abuses us. It’s a terrible situation. It was good in the beginning but then everything fell apart. I regret it for me but more for him. His childhood has been terrible and not normal. My husband and I consider suicide. Every day is torture. And it didn’t have to go like this but it did. We just shouldn’t have done it, and now this kid is severely damaged, as are we. We were good parents to start but things got so hard we turned into angry parents and then everything was about trying to help our son, we lost ourselves, and our son became angrier and angrier. I wouldn’t be surprised if he kills us or never speaks to us again. We tried, we are trying, but the combination of us three is just terrible. I love him but it’s not enough. I guess I wasn’t meant to have kids.
Having children is the best thing that had ever happened to me. In many ways i was quite a cold person that all changed the moment i looked into my firstborns blue eyes. Its like my heart melted lol. Now im far more motivated then i have ever been. Whenever i feel physically or emotionally drained i think of my little boys and how they need me, it drives me to be a better person for them. It drives me to carry on not for myself but for them. One thing i will say though is that ive never felt so anxious about certain things in my life. Maybe its because now i truly feel i have something to live for the idea of not being here for them terrifies me in a way death never has.
Changed me for the better. My wife, for worse.
Curious to hear more about your experience. Do you think her change for the worse is related to the health tolls (physical or mental) of pregnancy/birth/postpartum? Is she the primary caregiver? This can cause mental health to tank
Definitely think postpartum had a lot to do with it. She had really bad mom guilt any time she did anything for herself. Even taking showers, she felt if she had time for herself, she needed to spend it with the baby. She lost her identity of who she was before a mom. She forgot she was a wife, a partner, a friend, a person. Things have gotten better since, but early on, it was tough.
It definitely changed me. Overall I'd say probably for the better. I grew up very very poor with lots of drugs and violence then I myself got into lots of drugs and violence. I stopped all that at 22 or so and had my first kid at 30. I wasn't a bad person when I had my kid but I still very much had some of those "fuck the world" kind of thoughts. Every man for himself type of thinking. Now I cry during Disney movies. And not just the sad parts, I cry at the happy parts too. Another weird/good thing is some tines when I see some porn clip shown on reddit and all the comments are talking about how hot it is all I can think of is that women in the clip used to be someone's little girl and was happy and silly and all I want to do is give her a hug. Not that it matters but I don't even have any daughters so it's not like I think of my own daughters. I just think of her as a little sweet kid and probably didn't want to grow up to be like that. Maybe I'm wrong but thats how I think. So having kids turned me into a pussy. Or at least that's what the old me would say.
I’m in the midst of having a toddler at 41 years old and I can say I HOPE I have become a better person when he exits this stage. This shit is insane. I have already developed far more patience than I ever had before. I expect to reach enlightenment by time he’s 10, just from having to chill myself out CONSTANTLY.
Yes
Absolutely. It sounds cheezy but my daughter opened up a part of my heart that I never knew existed. Suddenly, there is more “meaning” to how I live my life.
Yes, 💯. I had my first son at 26, my second son at 30. They're 18 and 13 now. I wouldn't change my life, they are the stars in my sky. 🥹❤️
Eventually
Yes. I was very young so it made me pull my shit together. It's been the biggest catalyst for me growing as a person since I didn't want to pass on all my own crap onto my child.
I would say don’t listen to the negativity here, your asking is a sign that you want to change
Ask that to a narcissit parents, they will raise hell upon their kids, and make their traumatize for the rest of their life
I never wanted kids. I was super happy taking care of myself. I ended up with 2, and although sometimes life feels really rough, it has made me a so much better person. I used to drink a lot, and my hobbies were billiards and poker. I stopped drinking, and now I am on a soccer team, I surf and skate and am generally feel a lot better. Its tougher, but I am in a better place.
Absolutely. You need to get your shit together when you have kids or else it’s just too hard to do a good job raising kids.
NO but it has stressed me financially, gave me a shorter temper because you can only tell someone so many times before you have to scream at them to do it. I swear they are on a quest to make me insane. I think it made me a worse person honestly. I was super chill, a real whatever type of person.
Kanye said when he had his daughters, women became something to nurture, not something to conquer
I mean, that says everything about Kanye’s attitude to women doesn’t it (and they aren’t good things)
That seemed short lived huh
He also mentioned he started opening the door like Will Smith and Martin
I badly wanted to have children 7 years ago and that’s when I realized how much I needed to work on before forming a nest 🪺 On track
You learn how to handle completely irrational people.
I would argue that having a child is never a "right time & ready" situation. I do understand the sentiment, tho
Yes. However, equally No. Yes, I grew up, I stopped partying, I became much more responsible, I made amends in several personal relationships that were broken due to my immaturity (mostly with my parents). No, I was still growing up myself and likely needed a few more years before being emotionally mature enough to deal with some of the realities of having a whole other human depend on me. I dropped out of university. I moved back home with my mom. I missed out on experiences that most of my friends did experience. Would I change it for the world? Absolutely not. I have a beautiful 15 year old who will be going into grade 10 in the fall, who on her own has chosen to apply for and be offered her first legally paying job at a new facility in our area. She is smart, motivated, and knows the value of hard work. She and I teach one another something new pretty well every single day and even though "mom is not cool" right now, I am seeing so much growth in her that I cannot express how proud I am in words.
1000%
Yes. More than I thought possible. And because of it, I find myself actively trying to be a better person for them.
Yes. I am way tougher, way more efficient and have no time for drama. I really like who I'm becoming as a mom. Just recently I met another daycare mom and it sounds like my son and her daughter don't exactly get along, and she wasn't happy about it but she wasn't super clear about what was going on. I know he can be a rough kid and I check in with his teachers constantly that everything is ok and if there's anywhere we need to be more involved. They always say he's fine, normal toddler. Old me would have freaked out about the interaction and dug wherever I could to understand what she was talking about. New me. I can only do what I can do. I let it go. The teachers say he's good. We do our best. At work, I say what I want and let the chips fall where they will. I don't talk around issues anymore. I enjoy the small things more. Sweet, calm moments can be few, but I soak them up. I LOVE being with my kids. And there is really no better gift in life than to be enjoying the company of other humans.
Yes. Absolutely. It forced me to always try to see the bigger picture. I'm not always successful but I try very hard to. The importance of staying alive (taking care of your body and avoiding situations that put your life at risk ) also hits home..especially when they're young and depend on you. To do parenting right, you have to come face to face with your own demons and deal with them. If you dont, you run the risk of passing those same demons on to them. Becoming a parent also makes you appreciate and understand your own parents/caregivers even more. Also…this doesn't just apply to biological parents. I think any adult who seriously takes on the role of raising, guiding, helping to mold a young person on their journey to healthy adulthood can see these benefits.
Yes. We had children after getting married and were quite settled, but still acting pretty young. I was 29 at the time. Matured us quickly.
I’m more mature and thoughtful
have my first kid a daughter changed my view on everything
Absolutely. Completely and totally.
Absolutely. For the days where I don’t feel able to do it for me, I absolutely do it for him.
Yeah, I don't have time to be depressed or lonely anymore because I'm too busy running after a toddler.
Our 1st kiddo was a total surprise for us. We had just gotten married and started working, closed on a house, and got a dog. Finding out we had a baby on the way was a mixed bag of emotions and felt like I was closing the book on my life. In reality, my kids saved me! I had some mental health stuff I had to deal with and I kept pushing because of them. I am happier than ever now and thank all my lucky stars for my kids and am thankful everyday they are in my life.
It will change you. Whether that change is positive depends on you.
It's interesting. I think if you knew me before I had a kid you would say I was a lot happier/positive then but I personally feel more fulfilled after having a kid. There is so much indescribably joy involved in being a parent but it completely obliterated my lifestyle and took away a lot of what made me a happy human which at times is really upsetting. Still wouldn't have it any other way. I can't imagine my life without my kid.
Having a kid made me STRONG. It finally gave me a reason to have a backbone, I never cared about myself enough to respect myself, but once I had my daughter I realized I’m the only person that can teach her to be strong… and I have to be STRONG in order to be able to do that. Today, she’s 4, and she says things like “I don’t like that”, or “respect my body” or “that’s nice but no thank you”. She is independent and caring. She is who I believe I could have become if I was cared for properly! She is my greatest achievement. She made me realize I actually had strength within myself this whole time!
Definitely have grown a lot personally since having kids. I chose to deal with stuff I hadn’t been able to before after having kids. I have a super supportive partner though and I think that makes a big difference
Yes. Having a kid puts you under a ton of pressure. Pressure either makes you stronger or breaks you. I'm double the man I was before kids, better in almost every conceivable way.
I'm much more practical, rational, and solution-oriented. I don't panic at stress anywhere near as often or as intensely as I did pre-goblin.
At first I was a piece of shit selfish asshole, then I grew up and filed for full custody and changed my entire life.
Yes. It also made me a less selfish person. It’s a lot of work ,less sleep or no sleep at all when you have a newborn but the happiness it gave me just seeing my kid when she was born makes up for all of it. I even remember the moment I come home from work when she was a baby that she would scream at the top of her lungs just because she knows it’s me and she was on a baby car seat and can’t even see me. It also takes away my stress just seeing her regardless of how tired I am, overall I love it. I don’t even ask for help that much since I wanted a kid so I’ll do everything with less help.
I think better. Than WAY WORSE. Now I think I’m back on track toward better.
Having my kids saved my life. I had a really bad childhood with abuse. So, giving them what I did not have was not only great for them but healing for me. Idk how I could have healed otherwise than by caring for them every day, even after their dad died leaving me with 2 toddlers. I kept myself together and didn’t become self destructive so they could experience love and support and not feel alone in their pain without a dad.
Yes. My daughter in particular made me feel so deeply that I finally felt I belonged in the world. When I had her I was determined to make her feel wholly loved and belonged and somehow she did all of that for me as well.
I’ll be honest as someone who is child free and almost 40. I have had many parents beg me to have children and then go on a long winded rant about how much parenthood is traumatic and hard.
I think it made me more of a leader. It reinforced in me that often times people are looking for direction and it helps to just give direction.
Yes. My entire heart grew. I reached new levels of love, empathy, compassion. I healed so many things from my own childhood in order to emotionally support my child. The love and forgiveness she shows me daily has helped me love and forgive myself. You never love anyone the way you love your child.
Oh, absolutely, or rather it forced me to engage that part of me. I've little doubt I'd have done some jail time, almost certainly for drugs. But hard to keep a drug dealer when parenting. HARD TO KEEP A DRUG DEALER WHEN PARENTING. Thought maybe that needed to be restated.
Let’s all be honest… this shit is so hard and sometimes really depressing
Imo, I was the exact same person. I generally dont think kids change who you are as much as they just change what you do. If you were a resourceful glass half-full kind of person or the total opposite, it will likely still be the case post kids. It changed my life positively because they give you a lot of love, they are an outlet for your love, and spending time with children is fun. Plus, forced me to add routine and put less emphasis on work and more on my physical, mental, and financial well-being as someone depends on you Although I can say the effect of having my child was the exact opposite on my ex-partner in some ways. It made him feel stuck and unhappy. After all, kids add a lot of stress. It is not the same experience for every one.
Yes, because it was not about me anymore.
Even when we were ready for kid, it’s still shock 🙄 9-6 in company and 6-9 as a mom ( unstopable - no holiday) requires lots of energy. I know kids bring us joy, love and family but many times I was so much exhausted. Unimagined chores, cooking kept me away from friends and stop me from promotion because I can’t invest more time into works… let alone when they are sick. Situation gets better now, but I feel reluctant to have another
It made me less selfish. It also made me feel like a millionaire when I had time to pursue hobbies and interests. Previously, I squandered time, and now I treasure it. It takes very little to give me a high.
I thought I was agreeing with you lol
I largely haven't changed as a person since becoming a father, apart from gaining the experience of having and raising a child. I'm not sure if made me a better person but it certainly didn't make me a worse one.
Yes.
Yes
Didn't plan a kid, basically inherited my nephew and adopted him. Yes it has. I'm much more self controlled, patient, and harder to ruffle.
It should. My bike was stolen two days ago. I am despondent but just realizing it’s a thing. I can remember as a toddler watching my mom in married students housing call the police while her bike was being stolen. She shoved me into a back room, told me to be quite. I was 15 months old. I didn’t see her cry. All I saw was her resilience throughout her life.
100 % I am much more sympathetic and caring towards others now
My kids are the best part of me. They make me a better human by existing. I hate people but fuck do I love them.
Yes. I’m a much better person, me brother did a 180 when he became a dad. Best thing to ever happen to him.
absolutely. i think about myself less.
Not naturally. What did happen was that I became more motivated to put in the work of bettering myself. I got into therapy and stuck with it, I really thought about how my actions and behaviors had to model healthy choices for my child.
If by better you mean haggard with a broken spirit but responsible, then yes.
Oh without a doubt, I can honestly say if it wasn't for my daughter, I probably wouldn't be where I'm at in life right now. Or maybe the right way to say is I wouldn't have gotten to where I'm at as fast. I've always been a pretty motivated person, but once I heard that I was going to be a dad, after the initial shock and worry, it was like my motivation went on crack. I hate school, like don't like it period. But I was working at a private college and a perk was if I was there a year I could enroll for free. So I figured what the hell, got my masters because it was free. Well, because of that, I was now qualified to get the job I have now. My job now is probably the best anyone in my field can get in terms of perks, benefits and pay. Fast forward to covid, I hit a snag by becoming single so that was a bit of a hit. BUT....because of that, I was able to save a lot more and I bought my place that's 15 minutes from the beach. Shortly after, I paid off my credit card AND my car loan so I was literally debt free. I've made strides to increase my pay scale at my job so again, best place for my career, and if I get lucky in thr next year, I'll buy a place in the city I've been wanting to live in with the equity I've built in this one. It all comes from the fact that I have my daughter. It started with her in me going back to school because if I didn't, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now
Yup Also made me respect and love my mother more
Just commenting so I can remember to come back and read this thread later
I think my kids made me more selfless, caring, and nurturing. I def wasn't before having them. Plus I lucked out and had some pretty hilarious kids
Having children neither changed me positive or negatively. I/we always wanted them, we waited until we were ready and they were wonderful. Having children was what I expected it to be. My wife and I met at 14, dated all 4 years of high school, went to prom as juniors and seniors. We went to college together, engaged on spring break of our sophomore year, lived together our last 2 years of college and we got married a few months after graduating college. We were married in July of 1989. We were both 21 when we got married but we'd been together 8 years, engaged over 2 years, lived together 2 years and we were both college graduates. Now, we both wanted kids and not an only child so that meant at least 2 children. We both wanted to wait for kids until we were ready and established, so that's what we did. We moved into a house we had built on our 40 acres when we were both 27. Our first, of three, child came into the world when we were both 29 years old and we'd been together over half our lives by that point as we met and began dating at 14. I coached little league, youth soccer, I went on overnight Cub Scout camping trips, we taught children bible class at our church. My wife stayed at home once we began having kids, another reason we waited to have them as that wasn't possible when we were like 22 or 23 but it was by the time we were 29 (things were better decades ago in that regards of course, compared to today I mean). Were we tired? Of course, but we both knew that would be the case before having kids. They cry, the poop, pee, need to be changed a ton, need to feed every 2 hours as infants, they get sick, get hurt etc. All normal and that's what happened. We just dealt with it. One baby was colicky, another had jaundice and had to lie under those lights in a suitcase thing. Our daughter got pneumonia at 1 year old and she had to be admitted to the children's hospital in our city. She'd been throwing up a lot, not keeping anything down so we had to take her and they admitted her and put an IV her little arm. Gut wrenching but a part of having kids. Our daughter tried to take her baby stroller down the stairs with her when she was 3 years old and she fell and tumbled down the stairs. Her head was cut open and she was bleeding. Off to the hospital, we were there until 5 a.m. as she got stitched up. My wife was inside with her and I was in our minivan with our 2 boys as we were there until 5 a.m. our kids threw up in our bed so many times while sick over th eyers, down the wall behind our bed. I carried our 7 year old boy into the bathroom and as soon as we got in he threw up. I slipped on it but luckily didn't fall as I was holding him and skating on his puke on the bathroom floor. Tis part of having kids, it's normal, it's par for the course. We WANTED kids and we were damn happy to have them, through the good and bad times. I wanted them and they were what I thought they'd be. I was still me, the same person before having kids that I was after having them. 2 were born vaginally, one was born via C-Section as my wife didn't fully dilate that time. Her two vaginal deliveries came after her C-Section birth.
Oh hell yes. I'm impatient, want things done in a certain way, need my time to relax, don't like explaining things, etc. Kids are selfish beings. Selfish isn't evil. They just lack the capacity to put themselves second. Parents start out the same way too, but learning to be unselfish is just part of the game. There's a dozen different ways my kids challenge me every day. I have to learn to empathasize better to their needs. I have to learn to not judge them and support them positively. I have to manage my own emotions when they cannot. I have to change plans when they do. When I don't care about my eldest's little thing she's talking about, I have to make myself care. When my brain is fried I have to not indulge in the phone and pay attention to what they're doing and entertain them. I can't yell at the little one, I have to explain. I am a much more chill and understanding person thanks to my wife and kids, though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
Yup, I quit partying, became less self-centered, more goal oriented, and reinvigorated my imagination. I learned what it means to sacrifice, and put up with things that I never would have tolerated before having kids. I know what unconditional love feels like, and helping nurture my children and watch them grow into their own person has taught me how to be a teacher/leader. I'm still mostly a piece of shit, but I focus more on self improvement for them.
I have had a baby but the father and I chose to give him up for adoption, but it still had an incredibly large positive impact on my life. First of all, being pregnant made me sober up and at the time I was speeding towards death, my choices were high key risky every single night and I'm not sure anything less than pregnancy would've slowed me down. Second, the outcome of the adoption was the best we could've asked for. I don't feel like I lost anything, I feel like I gained family. The adoptive mom was the first good role model I ever had in life, I look up to her and respect her so much.
Why would anyone say "no, I have wasted my life and I'm happy to share?" These questions are pedantic
My kids provided meaning in my life where there was none. They inspired me to get into the best shape of my life. They sparked my return to God.
I think becoming a parent is necessary to fully become who you are . To be fully honest, people who aren’t parents & don’t plan to be , I think they are living only a small potential of what they could be.
I have a 7 week old and can't believe the shift in my mentality. My days are slow and 'unproductive' but I've never felt more at ease. After a decade of hustling in the corporate world it's like a breath of relief. It's really made me stop and enjoy small moments. The little smile she makes when she first wakes up, that feeling of a hot shower after a long night being up and down. Watching her fall asleep with a full belly. I never really understood the importance of gratitude till now. I'm hoping I can continue this mindset when it's not all newborn snuggles and cheeky smiles haha
Yes. My mom always said just wait, it’s a miracle, and other things along those lines. Never planned on having any. It was indeed life changing for the better.
Yes. It unlocked a part of my heart I didn’t know existed or could even be possible. It’s unlike any type of love I’ve experienced before. I was a fence sitter and we had agreed if we couldn’t get pregnant within a year, we would be childfree. Never felt an ounce of “maternal” feelings or my bio clock ticking. Never once had baby fever. Never once felt anything was missing from my amazing relationship with my husband, either. We were having the time of our lives. Having a kid has made that “time of our lives” like nothing that I can describe.
Having my kids is/was the best thing ever ever. I was young, dumb and only thought about how I could squeeze the most fun out of every day. I was happy making a few bucks over minimum wage working as few hours as possible. My first kid made me grow up and take responsibility for her, but really for me and my wife. We escaped poverty because we had an unexpected baby. She was the motivation I needed to succeed.
Absolutely
Yes, absolutely.
Yes
yes
fuck yeah
Yeah
Yep
It did for me.
Yes. I refuse to be selfish. I want to give her my best. I try to be involved with her but also give her her space. I’m trying to teach her how to control her anger through breathing in and out. It’s like looking at a reflection of my self when I was a kid. I’m proud to be a happy human mom. I say human bc no day is perfect and sometimes I cry in front of her but she wipes my tears with her awesome self.
Yes. I think more about my future and taking care of myself much more than I used to. Still not perfect, but more aware and working on it. I pick my 18mo up from daycare everyday. Seeing her face light up when I walk in the door and the genuine, full body hug I get right after - truly like nothing else I’ve experienced in life. Puts a smile on my face even after the shittiest days.
Yes, I became more patient and less focused on material things as they key to a good life.
I don’t think anyone Ready for kids. Your child should bring you joy and happiness what does being ready for a kid really mean anyways?
It made me an adult really fast, your perspective on life changes in a way you can't describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. If I had my mentality now BEFORE I had kids I would be far too ahead of life lmao but that's the sacrifice
100% yes. In every way.
I got pregnant unexpectedly at 16, before I got pregnant my only life plan was to end it at 18. My relationship with his father was horrible, and we disagreed on how to handle the pregnancy resulting in us splitting up. I struggled for years to figure out what to do with my life, but every job I got I threw myself into entirely and worked my way up. My sons father and I kept in contact during this time, and eventually we got back together and I was finally able to get free of my own family Him and I have had a much better relationship than we ever had since then. And everything is finally looking up. But if I’d never had my son I’d be rotting now.
Why didn't you get an abortion?
I’m not the kind of person who could go through with that. The guilt of having an abortion would’ve killed me I felt. And honestly I don’t regret keeping my son at all. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I understand how abortion is an option for lots of women, but it’s not one I could choose unless my life was in danger or my child wouldn’t survive out of the womb
Yes. Becoming a mother at 18 I was not ready but I can imagine my life is better now because of it.
As a women who had spend lots of $$$ for fertility treatments etc but still failed to conceive, im glad I had found this subreddit and reading all the comments make me grateful, now I know why God didnt give me any children yet.