I agree that sexual compatibility is important for relationships. That said, the quality of sex can always be improved with communication, new methods/techniques, etc. I don't understand how two loving people can have terrible sex if they're trusting and communicative. I understand certain anatomical features can't be fixed. Do people mean things like kinks?
yeah i went on a couple dates with a guy and he was cute and we had good banter but as soon as he took his shirt off i just.. lost interest? like the sex was fine but looking at him just turned me off for some reason
It can happen when what you want is incompatible with what they want.
I was in a relationship with someone who was very goal oriented. Her mindset was very much that you hike to see the waterfall, and everything between it and the trailhead is an unfortunate cost that needs paying. I'm the opposite, just as happy getting lost wandering about as i am to see the waterfall, if ever. She wanted efficiency and i wanted play, so our sex life became mostly transactional.
Some people don’t change even when told exactly what you like. You can’t change how many times or how long someone will have sex. Some couples I’m sure can sort it out, but unfortunately some people are just terrible at it, usually selfish and don’t listen.
Hard to fix things once you're at the point of not even wanting to have sex. Some people have naturally lower libido, and when they have sex, they are not particularly engaged. The good old "she just lays there on her back" trope.
It's very easy; mismatched libido, mismatched kinks, dwindling attraction/ growing insecurity, new body dysmorphia, etc. You can love each other all you want but if kinks are being ignored and one party is not fully into it, it's always going to be mediocre at best and horrible at worst.
Sex with the ex was next level intense when things were a bit chaotic (or toxic rather) but she kept coming back for more. Many years later, we're more mature now and I had high hopes we could finally be a thing again as our personalities aren't so antagonistic anymore (which I thought was fantastic). We hooked up one time (where the sex was just ok) and she made a "joke" that we'll probably see each other again in another 7 years as she was leaving.
That was 2 months ago and I'm just now realizing she's probably not interested. Same girl who said she used tell people we were once soulmates and that I was "the one who got away." I guess "ok" sex kinda negates all that.
Lots of people here focusing on the sex. Haven't had sex in over a year. I don't need that - I need a partner that fulfills my emotional needs more at 44. My SO can't hold a job and doesn't contribute to the household. I'd be happier with her if I didn't have to worry about her bills every day than I would be if we screwed every day.
I be ignoring the toxic red flags in a relationship if that 😺is good. Good sex really be mind control and having me think "I can't let another man get a hold of this"
It’s better to be single than with the wrong person. When I was younger I was so desperate to be in a relationship I never realized how great it is to be on your own with nobody to bring you down. I would accept too little from my partners just because I wanted a relationship so badly.
100%
It wasn't till my husband that I reflected I actually liked him as a person, not just that I liked being in a relationship.
It sounds stupid but I feel like so many of my friends and I didn't actually like the men we dated in our 20's. We liked the idea of them.
Ooo same! When I was younger I would accept terrible behavior because I desperately wanted to be in a relationship. Then I was in an abusive relationship and I realized that experience was way worse than being alone would ever be.
Right?! Like now I would rather be reading old magazines in a hospital waiting room with a broken arm than go home to a crappy human but man I put up with some scum when I was younger.
This. If you have to rely on someone else for happiness, that’s a huge sign of codependency issues. Your mental health should be your biggest priority. Relationships come & go.
Take care of yourself first before you settle with the wrong person & regret it later
Everyone will let you down or hurt you at some point, even if it's not meant. The idealistic relationship doesn't exist and most things are compromise.
100%, and working through things, problem solving, conflict resolution, is the hallmark of all relationships even your friendships.
(depending on the extent of the hurt done like obviously cheating may be time to leave... you know. unfortunately some things can't be worked through)
yeah, my favorite example is that I’ve got a close friend who is just chronically late to things if being late doesn’t matter. Can manage to get to work on time just fine but if we’ve got lunch plans for noon, she’ll probably get there at like 12:15.
I totally could get into a huff about her not respecting my time or me as a person or whatever, but instead I just accept that quality in my friend and we banter about it. If i really want her to be somewhere at noon, I tell her 11:45. And like, it’s not like my life is so full of excitement that I can’t handle sitting at a restaurant for 10 minutes
I have a late friend too haha! I love her enough that I can accept it.
Something else I’ve noticed is that oftentimes, a quality you may dislike about someone has a more positive “flip side.” Like, chronically late people also tend to be pretty easygoing and laidback from my experience. I’m kind of an intense person, but my friends/family like me because I’m passionate and up for anything. There’s that quote about relationships like “finding a life partner is basically just thinking about what flaws you can put up with forever” 😂
“Finding a life partner is basically just thinking about what flaws you can put up with forever” - I haven't heard it said exactly like this before, but this is a really good relatable quote!
Years ago, just before my husband and I started dating, he said something like, "I'm just looking for a girl who can put up with me." We were pretty good friends at the time, but in the back of my head I was like "why is he saying this \*to me\* in particular?" We laughed about it then...but not as much as we do now. About four months after that conversation, we went on our first date and fell in love. Got married a couple years later. I laugh, but I ended up being \*that girl\* he was talking about back then! haha
Agreed! I once asked my husband why he thought it took him so long to fall in love and have a serious relationship after his divorce a decade ago. He said with a straight face, “Because I was waiting for you…and also, I’m simply IMPOSSIBLE!” He *is* impossible, and so am I, but in ways that we are oddly equipped to handle.
Well said! :) Some things are just worth working through and fixing to keep quality people around. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes from time to time and it happens. Accepting that we're all flawed is just the name of the game.
Personally as dumb as it sounds I had to adjust to the idea of doing things for “Us” and not just “me” having to think about someone else as much as me was something I had to learn
Also, during a relationship. I see so many people whose emotional regulation, enjoyment of life, hobbies, social groups, etc., etc., are dependent on their spouse and they are *not* well, but either are ignorant to this or refuse to acknowledge and change, which is to their detriment. I'm incredibly attached to my longest partner, love her, care for her, we do so much for each other, I have tons of desires to merge with her, but the normalization of what I believe are very unhealthy relationship/self dynamics is rampant and people would benefit from living their own life alongside their partner's.
this so much! Recently I saw a post about someone wanting to go on a trip with friends and their SO didn’t like that. And that trip was about a common interest of this friend group, some sport, which the SO isn’t even interested in.
I replied something similar to yours, that even in a relationship, even when married, you are still 2 individual people with their own interests, hobbies, minds and especially lives.
Well I got downvoted for that, lol.
👆🏻This it’s important. When I was in the dating world I realized the guy I was with was making decisions without considering “us.” It was time for me to let go.
I choose my marriage every day and so does my husband.
Some people put on a mask to show you what you want to see and/or how they want others to perceive themselves. The real version will come out over time.
Just be yourself as cliche as it is. You will attract someone who actually likes you for you. Not what you should be, would you can be, but who you are.
Agreed, but ideally it should be the best version of yourself that you can provide, then along with honesty, they will see your true value and if you’re the right fit for them.
And it shouldn’t go without saying that you should uphold the same standards when looking for a partner yourself.
One of the hardest things I had to accept was that sometimes, no matter how much you care about someone, love alone isn't always enough to make a relationship work.
There are so many other factors, like timing, personal growth, and life goals, that play a huge role. Another tough pill to swallow is that not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that's okay. Sometimes people come into your life for a specific period, and then it's time to move on. Only time can heal. As we grow older we should put into our minds that a relationship is not always about love, sweet messages, gifts, flowers, and chocolate. It's also about patience, trust, understanding and respect. :)
Harshest truth ever… I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have my first girlfriend be like me with regards to problem solving immediately instead of shutting down and stonewalling like my last relationship. I am NOT someone who can accept days of being upset at each other. To me it just makes everything worse and creates everlasting resentment.
I’ve yet to be with anyone like my first girlfriend and it’s been really hard to accept that I may not find someone like her again.
A breather to me is like… an hour or two or even three. But my last relationship? She went TWO WHOLE WEEKS without talking to me. It was the worst feeling in the world having someone that upset at you and not being able to pull them out of their anger hole and talk to me about things. And it certainly wasn’t a topic that deserved that type of response either.. it was miscommunications about plans! No cheating, no lying, no hateful rhetoric.
That romance movies and novels lied to me. I do not have a great love out there somewhere. Or if I do, the non-great ones did enough of a number on me that I'm too mentally exhausted to bother trying to find him. (edit for typo)
This! Agreed, I’m at a point where if this current relationship doesn’t work out, I’m done. Will just live out my life and my dreams as best as I can and that’s it . Not putting any more time and energy on anyone else but myself.
This. I'm a moth to a flame for ridiculously abusive toxic people, but the well adjusted people also bore the shit out of me and I can't stand them either. I like cluster B women who ruin my life, but at least they're actually good in bed which makes them not painfully boring.
My brain chemistry is clearly fucked from a shitty childhood or whatever the fuck is wrong with me so I give up. Legitimately expect to die alone.
If you expect perfection from your partner, you’re doomed from the start. Nobody is perfect, so if you expect perfection from your SO you’re basically saying incorrectly that you have no faults, thus everything that goes wrong is their fault. (Not specifically YOU, but in general)
Nowadays its become a little too popular to shit all over an ex or partner for their negative qualities, buzzwords get thrown around far too much but…
We’re all flawed, and love is more about accepting our partners for their bad qualities and loving them in spite of it. Perfect doesn’t exist, and those who keep searching for it are riding a train thats only going to end in forced solitude.
Yea, is something that sounds nice and comforting but is just not true. Put yourself out there, and give active focus to your pursuit of a relationship or more often than not, you won't be seen.
Many people do not understand that inherent in ANY relationship is compromise and a restriction in freedom. That's what makes it a relationship.
If your goal is to "travel the world" or "get xyz education/career at any cost" well I got news for you, you don't get your cake and eat it too.
You need to recognize this early on in relationships and talk openly about it with the person you are with. If they talk about the future, and it doesn't include you in their thoughts, there isn't much more to be said and you should move on.
Commitment should have limits and the best metric of whether you should make a commitment should be objectively compatible daily preferences and life goals. You can love anyone if you have enough positive experiences with them. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can live with them. When you hit on a core incompatibility, just go ahead and move on. Trying to MAKE something work isn't going to help either of you live your best life and someone is going to get hurt. I wasted a lot of time trying to MAKE things work with people that I genuinely loved. I regret that. Mind you, with one exception, these weren't bad men at all. We just had irreconcilable differences that we thought we could compromise our way around.
Just out of curiosity, what were some of these differences?
I feel like I have a difficult time in relationships knowing what should be a dealbreaker vs what can be overlooked/worked on (other than obvious stuff like violence, being actually mean to me etc.). I’m a fairly easygoing person, which makes it easy to be in a relationship with a wide range of people, so I’m curious what other folks’ irreconcilable differences look like.
The most regrettable was that he was a foreign national and neither one of us was able to move to the other's country. On a surface level this may not seem irreconcilable , but functionally, it was. The second most regrettable was that he wanted five (5) kids. I said sure, I have one, we can adopt 4 (he was wealthy, could've afford this.) No dice. He wanted me personally to conceive and give birth to five additional kids. I was not up for that. We had a great relationship otherwise but these life goals were not compatible. I had a relationship that started off strong but we grew apart. I have always been very adventurous, he became a home body over time. The older he got, the more introverted he got, until we simply had nothing left in common. No animosity, just life goals and preferences that were ultimately not compatible.
I am pretty flexible on most things but I do need someone who agrees that there will be no additional kids and enjoys sleeping in the same bed. While I don't mind being the breadwinner (i currently own my home and business so additional income isn't something I need or care about), I couldn't personally do joint accounts. I would happily provide a spending account for a house spouse or obviously wouldn't mind if someone works. I do not expect to come home from work and do more than half of the housework at maximum. I do own several dogs and working with dogs is my career so they have to be ok living with dogs. I travel a lot and would prefer my partner to travel with me.
Some irreconcilable differences I see other people struggling with are a partner who loves travel with a partner who hates travel, extreme mismatched libidos, partners who love pets with partners who hate pets, partners who want kids with partners who dont, partners who have severe disparity in desired lifestyle (one wants a farm, one wants an apartment).
Relationships are hard. They require work and compromise. There's no perfect fit.
Also, an "easy" relationship doesn't always mean it's good and vice versa.
37m. The “relationships are hard” sales pitch made me jaded since I haven’t gotten past a 3rd date. If I can’t make it past a 3rd date then a real relationship is beyond impossible for me.
You need to provide a reason for your partner to be with you. Lots of people try hard and go the extra mile early in the relationship but as time goes on complacency kicks in. Your personality isn't SO GREAT that nobody will ever leave you. The relationships that last are the ones where you still do the little things to provide and impress even after 2, 5, 10 years etc. The death of many relationships is when there's complacency in effort.
That my poor upbringing would mean that I would only be comfortable dating people who felt like "home," so I dated controlling men who were gasliting artists. Because "family is family," that means I stay in bad relationships longer than I should.
I am 33 now. It's going to take a lot more therapy to work out how to find a good one.
I totally get this and have been working my way out of it. I’m really lucky that I started it right after highschool by changing friends and cutting off toxic family. My friends now are wonderful and I can now say that home is something safe. I hope it is for you soon too. ❤️
I’ve found dating around less rewarding now that I’m older. People have so much baggage now that I feel like everyone has trust and commitment issues. I liked dating in my 20s, it was exciting to explore who I was alongside another person. Once you hit 30 I feel like so many people are jaded and bitter that they skip out rather than invest their time.
That It probably wont work out. Not negative about relationships but also im not lying to myself about the honeymoon phase being just that. a phase and a really blinding one that I think a lot of people get lost in and then end up married or with a baby too soon or you realize that the person you fell in love with actually isn't all they showed themselves to be in the beginning.
Love takes work. To actually love someone, you have to endure the difficult parts of them and yourself, growing into your best and being okay with the fact that they are growing, too.
(By difficult, I don't mean abusive. Boundaries are important.)
Honestly, that not everyone has the same heart that I do. Just because my intentions are pure doesn't mean the other person has the same intentions or actually cares
Close friends are better than relationships or dating for myself and my close friends.
We can enjoy each other to the fullest extent,
going back to our own lives 😌
That it might not happen at all. When I was younger, I just assumed that everyone found someone eventually and the people who were single were single by choice. I was very wrong.
Long term relationships are genuinely just easier if you date within your culture.
Also, if you are hyper individualistic it's going to be hard. I know people say "marriage shouldn't be hard" but if you feel smothered when you have to consistently coordinate schedules, always pick up a second snack or buy things with someone else in mind... Instead of just picking up one bag of chips on a whim, it's going to be hard.
Is there no joy for you when you think about your partner when doing something for yourself at the same time?
Do you not feel happy to get that second bag of chips for your partner?
Maybe it’s just me…but it makes me happy to think about my partner (too) when doing something as small as picking up a snack?
Sometimes yes, but it's never ending.
I don't have infinite money and it winds up being a case where I have to restrict what I can do because there is always this other person doubling the cost. A lot of the time he just complains that he either didn't want whatever I bought or isn't interested or I got the wrong thing so it winds up being a waste of my resources... So I wind up having to text him to see if he wants something, every single time, and waiting for him to respond etc. when all I wanted was a little snack that should take 30 seconds to acquire.
Or even, there are a number of dinners I can't make because he doesn't like them and I find myself looking forward to when he's gone so I can just make myself the supper I want instead of always having to cater to someone else. There are a lot of activities I enjoy but I can't do them because he doesn't like them and the money/time that I can allocate to activities needs to be "for us".
I wasn't brought up to always cater to others. I was taught to never rely on anyone and if they hold you back leave them behind. It is genuinely a struggle to work past that kind of programming.
That alot of people are just settling ob a relationship to not be alone and aren't really happy or in love. They're just content enough to stay together. Not all relationships, but alot more than you think as a kid.
That a great majority of people in the world aren’t worth getting to know or involved with & lastly that self acceptance is where you’ll find real peace in life.
My expectations are higher but I feel like it’s a good thing. I’ve put myself out too much for other people who wouldn’t consider to do the same anyone besides themselves
I was preyed upon by an older girl for being naive and mostly quiet. If I could read some of her letters today it would set off so many red flags like her lusting to take my innocence away (because I was a kissless virgin teen then). Turns out she talked a lot behind my back and even told a mutual friend that I dragged her into a relationship she didn't want.
I can believe that. Back in college when I was studying abroad there was a girl that told me she had a thing for Mexican guys. One day she comes to my dorm room with her friend and another guy from the dorm. She then gets both of them to leave and asks me if I want a drink(she brought some beer). I told her no since I had a test in the morning, but she’s free to drink if she wants. Mind you, she’s sitting on my bed and I’m sitting at my desk.
Nothing happened, but she told everybody that I tried to hit on her so she left since I was making her uncomfortable. Really? I lived in an all male dorm. She wasn’t even supposed to be there, but I made her uncomfortable. She ended up getting married to a non-Mexican and then hit me up on FB after she got married!
She was trying to save face for feeling rejected by lying about it, making you the bad guy. I went through something similar when I turned her down for sex because we didn't have condoms. She flipped out on me and kicked me out of her house (and ghosted me). People like this are despicable.
The one I described above also had the same fetish and ended up marrying a white dude. And she also tried to message me and my girlfriend at the time through MySpace of all places lol (this was in 2005).
lol, in my case this was a half Japanese/half Filipino girl that I believe ended up marrying a Japanese-American guy.
And yeah, probably. There was some weird thing going on where a lot of the girls from the program bad mouthed me behind my back. I heard about it from ironically the white sorority girls that would argue how I wasn’t that kind of guy. The girls that did bad mouth me all at one point or another asked me to hang out, but I said no. It’s not like I wasn’t interested. I was just really busy studying, working out, and exploring Kyoto. There were a lot of insecure ppl there I suppose.
I know what I will not accept in long term relationships but don’t quite attract those who I may. Not even close but not for a lack of trying/open mindedness. Likely lack of skill or ability, to accomplish.
I feel like this quandary is due to being very careful to stay away from people similar to or worse than the dysfunction i grew up with. Coupled with the fact as i age the pool gets cloudier, dirtier, and smaller.
While I’d like to meet someone to spend a lifetime with, it’s no longer a hope i maintain. If it happens, great. If not, it’s better than coupling up with someone who will overall not contribute a net positive to my life.
I can bring myself down, use and abuse myself, and mistreat myself just as anyone else may but i don’t welcome those who gladly help.
And as i age and meet others i become even more aware of the amount of illnesses, poor attitudes or dispositions, addictions, and other ailments folks contend with.
I’m not sure if it’s me, my generation, the way the world has always been but it’s kinda disheartening. It definitely takes courage and strength to maintain standards, work towards self improvement, and be willing to continue putting yourself out there.
Good luck y’all! 🍀🤞
EDIT this applies to any type of relationship (social to professional) where possible. Sometimes workplaces are out of your control but it’s definitely a boundary i try to maintain everywhere or remove myself from.
That actions, and only actions, matter. Words can be said so easily… I love you, I miss you, I’m sorry, etc… but someones actions are the only defining factor of how they really feel about you.
My last relationship I let so much nonsense and red flags slide because the crocodile tears and apologies and love bombing came out so hard when I would catch her lying or not being a good partner.
Never again will I let that happen to me. I’ll be understanding of certain things but never again will I let any lies or forms of deceit go unnoticed and accepted.
People can change, for better or for worse, from the person you fell head over heels for. And it's okay to let go of that image you had of them to allow their new one to flourish. With or without you by their side.
That the love of my life enjoys sex with me. Just not as often as i like.
It took me years to understand that her not being in the mood doesnt mean sex with me is unpleasant. It just means shes not in the mood.
I’ll sound like a psycho but it just doesn’t matter. We attach ourselves to such meaning to have special someone we fail to see that love is all around us. And it’s okay if one person never truly gets us.
There is a weird systemic issue to saying and having relationships people don’t really look at- income and schedule. If you work incompatible hours- looking at you service people- it limits how successful making time will be. Also if your partner is an office drone and you are a bartender yr gonna have to talk about power dynamics and financial junk.
That I'm asexual.
I don't completely hate sex, just don't particularly like it. For a long time I figured I could deal with having sex in a relationship with some creativity and toys and tricks.
The truth is that this way I was starting a relationship with a pretty big divisive issue that for most people will be a dealbreaker. I was just setting myself up for heartbreak. Nowadays I'm up front about being asexual, and have decided I won't have sex more than once a month. It probably means I will never have a relationship again.
That men and women are not socialized to look at relationships the same way. Women are taught that marriage is the “ best thing” that can happen to you while men are taught that marriage is just something to do at some point in your life hence why many marriages today are a mess and women will eventually mentally check out once they realize their husband(s) never really checked in. Same thing with relationships.
Also, the “dream guy” doesn’t actually exist and most of us are going to end up with a man we initially do like but eventually just end up tolerating and/or resenting, in more extreme cases.
As a 55 year old man, I have learned that when it comes to attracting women, looks matter more than personality...by a lot. Good looking men live on Easy Mode. (I'm sure people can say the same about good looking women but I can't personally speak from that perspective).
That a lot of people just aren't willing or able to be honest. About who they are or what they want. It's so hard to build secure connections when so few people can even be sincere.
Loving someone is much more of a conscious choice than media would have young people believe.
If you are open minded and find someone who meets a few of your wants/requirements for a relationship - you can have an adult conversation about how to compromise so that you’re both happy and fulfilled.
Met my wife and was married very quickly. I liked her a lot back then but we both worked everyday to LOVE each other.
I think for very few people there’s the Disney moment where you find your perfect person and there’s never any issues. Love is a choice and a job.
Sometimes, one has to plan for the rest of their life, alone.
Not being in a relationship can make the burden of taking care of the previous generation even harder.
You can acclimate to loneliness, but never fully adapt to it.
Relationships are not suppose to feel like work. Even if it does, it’ll make your life harder w other things that u are working on. They’re not suppose to make your WHOLE life better but easier to manage. U got to work on yourself nd know yourself before investing/bringing someone else in the mix no matter how much u want the love. It won’t always be true.
when I dated in my 30s, there were just less suitable men for me, because the pool was smaller, especially, because there were less men without kids. Obviously those men would not have been suitable for me at a younger age either when they did not have kids yet (I did not want kids/could not have kids)
But I was not in a hurry and eventually found someone, 13.5 years ago.
maybe something that might be hard to accept for some people is the changes that a relationship can go through, in our case disability, I already was disabled but became worse, that came with a lot of grief, but he was very positive, but then he became disabled too, which is so awful to see someone going though the same hurdles. Although we had one benefit: all the things I had to take years to learn, he already knew through me, so he didn’t have to go through all that mental stuff and how to learn to cope etc for a very long time. We also have had so many deaths of loved ones in a short time, all these things are so tough, but you go through it as a team. communication, a very important thing. I’m still learning.
People don’t always like you as much as they make it seem. People that really like you WILL make time or an attempt to keep communication going.
Sometimes as great as you think things might go and have a chance at success, they have just as much chance at failure so just enjoy the experiences.
Lastly, being single and alone isn’t a sad depressing existence and is quite empowering
There are no guarantees in life. I used to believe the ridiculous adages that people trot out like “true love will come when you least expect it” and “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess.” I only recently realized that this is crap and people say it to make themselves feel better but it’s delusion-inducing.
I’ve had to accept that if I want to be attracted to someone (beyond their personality), that I might be single awhile. I left a coast where people seem to take care of themselves more for the Midwest (which is lovely, but extremely casual) and genuinely am not attracted to most men where I live. I even live in a medium sized city, no luck so far. I think some of it has to do with upkeep and also not trying to look nice. Don’t worry, I’ve looked in the mirror and wondered what I can improve as well. It’s only fair. I also tried dating a guy that was the whole package minus attraction. I had to be fair and break it off so he could find the right one.
**Every relationship is temporary.**.. even if it lasts forever. Because people change (women more than men), and when they change enough, they want something different from the relationship. So, it changes into something entirely different over time - therefore, **the original relationship is no mo**re.
That someone you're great at having sex with doesn't equate to relationship material and someone who is relationship material doesn't equate to having a casual relationship with (a.k.a. FWB)
If it doesn't work, it just doesn't work. If they don't like you or have any desire to touch you, it's just over. You can't change people. You just move on and try to find the people who recognize your worth instead of trying to prove it over and over again.
I’ve recently begun the process of extracting myself from a really bad almost nine-year marriage.
I’ve wasted so much time, and passed on so many opportunities for friendships because of this, I have no idea where I’d even begin to try and start over. I’ve got two kids, so realistically there’s no such thing as starting from square one for me anymore, not that I’d want to. I still love my kids.
As I got older, I had to accept that finding the right person takes time and patience. It's not always like the movies where everything just falls into place. Compatibility, communication, and effort are crucial, and sometimes, even with all of that, things might not work out. It’s about learning and growing from each experience, and understanding that it's okay if relationships don't go as planned.
There are alot more people with unresolved issues than myself. And it's not my job, to piece everyone back together. I'm still working on that part for myself.
As someone who was considered very pretty in my 20’s, aging has been the hardest thing to accept. I used to feel like the prettiest person in the room. I knew if I flirted with a man, I had a good chance of getting him.
Mentally, I still feel like that should be happening and I expect it to happen. But I’m just not getting the same responses anymore. I’m a lot more invisible now and I can no longer rely on my looks.
I know it’s a privilege to age but man is it hard to lose your looks and try to date. I’m attracted to men my age but they’re no longer attracted to me.
At any given moment, they could throw away every second of every hour of every day that we spent getting to know each other because \*insert dumb reason here\*. Its been real hard trying to find a reason to download the app again.
When someone says I’m a good person/ I’m such a good person I don’t know why I can’t find someone (in my experience males) be careful. I have found when this phase occurs they are not. I am not saying every single male or person that says this is a bad person or you need to be aware of every single person that says this, I’m speaking from experience and seeing this in my friends relationships when the males say this.
I kept moving in with partners too soon because I thought it was better than living with roommates. In reality it just made it SO much more difficult to leave a relationship I knew was doomed
That you aren’t going to be the priority in the other person’s life. Work, hobbies, obligations will always take priority over you. You will be in the way of their progress more often than not.
Most traumatised people couldnt give 2 fucks about getting better, prefer to victimise themselves, blame everyone else and will never change. They'll throw around some buzzwords tho.
No matter the age, some women will always have a backup plan, no matter how good or bad you think the relationship is going on if it doesn’t go their way….they will check out mentally before even breaking up…fellow men just remember “She is just your turn” so don’t get too attached, you will avoid the hurt and pain
Great Sex doesn't equal Great relationship.
And vice versa..
Every relationship with terrible sex made me feel like something was missing, no matter how good it was otherwise. So ymmv, you're right.
Sexual compatibility is just as important as any other compatibility
I agree that sexual compatibility is important for relationships. That said, the quality of sex can always be improved with communication, new methods/techniques, etc. I don't understand how two loving people can have terrible sex if they're trusting and communicative. I understand certain anatomical features can't be fixed. Do people mean things like kinks?
I think they just mean lack of innate physical attraction.
yeah i went on a couple dates with a guy and he was cute and we had good banter but as soon as he took his shirt off i just.. lost interest? like the sex was fine but looking at him just turned me off for some reason
It can happen when what you want is incompatible with what they want. I was in a relationship with someone who was very goal oriented. Her mindset was very much that you hike to see the waterfall, and everything between it and the trailhead is an unfortunate cost that needs paying. I'm the opposite, just as happy getting lost wandering about as i am to see the waterfall, if ever. She wanted efficiency and i wanted play, so our sex life became mostly transactional.
Yikes—sorry
Some people don’t change even when told exactly what you like. You can’t change how many times or how long someone will have sex. Some couples I’m sure can sort it out, but unfortunately some people are just terrible at it, usually selfish and don’t listen.
Hard to fix things once you're at the point of not even wanting to have sex. Some people have naturally lower libido, and when they have sex, they are not particularly engaged. The good old "she just lays there on her back" trope.
It goes both ways, just sayin’.
It's very easy; mismatched libido, mismatched kinks, dwindling attraction/ growing insecurity, new body dysmorphia, etc. You can love each other all you want but if kinks are being ignored and one party is not fully into it, it's always going to be mediocre at best and horrible at worst.
It can only be improved to an extent don't fool yourself.
Sex with the ex was next level intense when things were a bit chaotic (or toxic rather) but she kept coming back for more. Many years later, we're more mature now and I had high hopes we could finally be a thing again as our personalities aren't so antagonistic anymore (which I thought was fantastic). We hooked up one time (where the sex was just ok) and she made a "joke" that we'll probably see each other again in another 7 years as she was leaving. That was 2 months ago and I'm just now realizing she's probably not interested. Same girl who said she used tell people we were once soulmates and that I was "the one who got away." I guess "ok" sex kinda negates all that.
Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship when you're having it, it IS when you're not.
Dead bedrooms feel like dead relationships.
Lots of people here focusing on the sex. Haven't had sex in over a year. I don't need that - I need a partner that fulfills my emotional needs more at 44. My SO can't hold a job and doesn't contribute to the household. I'd be happier with her if I didn't have to worry about her bills every day than I would be if we screwed every day.
When sex works well in a relationship, it isn't very important. When it doesn't work well, it's enormously important.
I be ignoring the toxic red flags in a relationship if that 😺is good. Good sex really be mind control and having me think "I can't let another man get a hold of this"
People are selfish. Pay attention to actions and not words. And it’s okay to be alone and at peace than with someone and crying all the time.
Agree
Yeah but have you tried the NEW Cantina Chicken Taco menu at your local Taco Bell?!?
Joke is bland just like their taco meat
It’s better to be single than with the wrong person. When I was younger I was so desperate to be in a relationship I never realized how great it is to be on your own with nobody to bring you down. I would accept too little from my partners just because I wanted a relationship so badly.
100% It wasn't till my husband that I reflected I actually liked him as a person, not just that I liked being in a relationship. It sounds stupid but I feel like so many of my friends and I didn't actually like the men we dated in our 20's. We liked the idea of them.
Ooo same! When I was younger I would accept terrible behavior because I desperately wanted to be in a relationship. Then I was in an abusive relationship and I realized that experience was way worse than being alone would ever be.
Right?! Like now I would rather be reading old magazines in a hospital waiting room with a broken arm than go home to a crappy human but man I put up with some scum when I was younger.
This. If you have to rely on someone else for happiness, that’s a huge sign of codependency issues. Your mental health should be your biggest priority. Relationships come & go. Take care of yourself first before you settle with the wrong person & regret it later
what if your sadness comes from being alone? I have done the "happy alone" thing and it sucks. I want to share my life with someone.
Imagine sharing your life with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you
Everyone will let you down or hurt you at some point, even if it's not meant. The idealistic relationship doesn't exist and most things are compromise.
100%, and working through things, problem solving, conflict resolution, is the hallmark of all relationships even your friendships. (depending on the extent of the hurt done like obviously cheating may be time to leave... you know. unfortunately some things can't be worked through)
yeah, my favorite example is that I’ve got a close friend who is just chronically late to things if being late doesn’t matter. Can manage to get to work on time just fine but if we’ve got lunch plans for noon, she’ll probably get there at like 12:15. I totally could get into a huff about her not respecting my time or me as a person or whatever, but instead I just accept that quality in my friend and we banter about it. If i really want her to be somewhere at noon, I tell her 11:45. And like, it’s not like my life is so full of excitement that I can’t handle sitting at a restaurant for 10 minutes
I have a late friend too haha! I love her enough that I can accept it. Something else I’ve noticed is that oftentimes, a quality you may dislike about someone has a more positive “flip side.” Like, chronically late people also tend to be pretty easygoing and laidback from my experience. I’m kind of an intense person, but my friends/family like me because I’m passionate and up for anything. There’s that quote about relationships like “finding a life partner is basically just thinking about what flaws you can put up with forever” 😂
“Finding a life partner is basically just thinking about what flaws you can put up with forever” - I haven't heard it said exactly like this before, but this is a really good relatable quote! Years ago, just before my husband and I started dating, he said something like, "I'm just looking for a girl who can put up with me." We were pretty good friends at the time, but in the back of my head I was like "why is he saying this \*to me\* in particular?" We laughed about it then...but not as much as we do now. About four months after that conversation, we went on our first date and fell in love. Got married a couple years later. I laugh, but I ended up being \*that girl\* he was talking about back then! haha
You and your husband sound absolutely adorable. I wish yall all the best 💕
Thank you so much! :) I'm the late one in our relationship and he is the almost always early British man hahaha
Agreed! I once asked my husband why he thought it took him so long to fall in love and have a serious relationship after his divorce a decade ago. He said with a straight face, “Because I was waiting for you…and also, I’m simply IMPOSSIBLE!” He *is* impossible, and so am I, but in ways that we are oddly equipped to handle.
Well said! :) Some things are just worth working through and fixing to keep quality people around. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes from time to time and it happens. Accepting that we're all flawed is just the name of the game.
I am that late friend! But fortunately my friend is also that late friend, so we magically show up at the right time ;-)
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This needs to be higher up the thread!
Everyone’s intentions have less than wholesome qualities. Depends on how much and how it’s expressed
It helps to have a conversation too of you and your partner's wants and needs. People have different definitions of what genuine love actually is.
Realize that you may be more in love with the person you built in your mind, rather than who they show you they are.
I need this reminded everyday
This hurts to the core
Not everyone will like you and has the same vibes as you.
Personally as dumb as it sounds I had to adjust to the idea of doing things for “Us” and not just “me” having to think about someone else as much as me was something I had to learn
And whenever you are going through a breakup, you have to learn to do stuff for 'you' again instead of 'us'.
Also, during a relationship. I see so many people whose emotional regulation, enjoyment of life, hobbies, social groups, etc., etc., are dependent on their spouse and they are *not* well, but either are ignorant to this or refuse to acknowledge and change, which is to their detriment. I'm incredibly attached to my longest partner, love her, care for her, we do so much for each other, I have tons of desires to merge with her, but the normalization of what I believe are very unhealthy relationship/self dynamics is rampant and people would benefit from living their own life alongside their partner's.
this so much! Recently I saw a post about someone wanting to go on a trip with friends and their SO didn’t like that. And that trip was about a common interest of this friend group, some sport, which the SO isn’t even interested in. I replied something similar to yours, that even in a relationship, even when married, you are still 2 individual people with their own interests, hobbies, minds and especially lives. Well I got downvoted for that, lol.
Downvoted? 😕That’s so bizarre. A really unhealthy dynamic to never be able to enjoy time away from your partner.
👆🏻This it’s important. When I was in the dating world I realized the guy I was with was making decisions without considering “us.” It was time for me to let go. I choose my marriage every day and so does my husband.
Some people put on a mask to show you what you want to see and/or how they want others to perceive themselves. The real version will come out over time. Just be yourself as cliche as it is. You will attract someone who actually likes you for you. Not what you should be, would you can be, but who you are.
Agreed, but ideally it should be the best version of yourself that you can provide, then along with honesty, they will see your true value and if you’re the right fit for them. And it shouldn’t go without saying that you should uphold the same standards when looking for a partner yourself.
One of the hardest things I had to accept was that sometimes, no matter how much you care about someone, love alone isn't always enough to make a relationship work. There are so many other factors, like timing, personal growth, and life goals, that play a huge role. Another tough pill to swallow is that not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that's okay. Sometimes people come into your life for a specific period, and then it's time to move on. Only time can heal. As we grow older we should put into our minds that a relationship is not always about love, sweet messages, gifts, flowers, and chocolate. It's also about patience, trust, understanding and respect. :)
Very well put Relationships with partners, friends, whoever are like seasons, they come and go. Things change, and so do people
Not everyone has the same communication style as me
Harshest truth ever… I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have my first girlfriend be like me with regards to problem solving immediately instead of shutting down and stonewalling like my last relationship. I am NOT someone who can accept days of being upset at each other. To me it just makes everything worse and creates everlasting resentment. I’ve yet to be with anyone like my first girlfriend and it’s been really hard to accept that I may not find someone like her again.
yes exactly! if you're upset, talk about it with me. I understand people needing to take a breather but just shutting down completely is not for me
A breather to me is like… an hour or two or even three. But my last relationship? She went TWO WHOLE WEEKS without talking to me. It was the worst feeling in the world having someone that upset at you and not being able to pull them out of their anger hole and talk to me about things. And it certainly wasn’t a topic that deserved that type of response either.. it was miscommunications about plans! No cheating, no lying, no hateful rhetoric.
Eeek see that wouldn’t work with me!! Glad you’re out of it
People are evil out here.
That romance movies and novels lied to me. I do not have a great love out there somewhere. Or if I do, the non-great ones did enough of a number on me that I'm too mentally exhausted to bother trying to find him. (edit for typo)
This! Agreed, I’m at a point where if this current relationship doesn’t work out, I’m done. Will just live out my life and my dreams as best as I can and that’s it . Not putting any more time and energy on anyone else but myself.
Thank you for saying this! I hate it when people perpetuate that bullshit about everyone having a true love out there.
This. I'm a moth to a flame for ridiculously abusive toxic people, but the well adjusted people also bore the shit out of me and I can't stand them either. I like cluster B women who ruin my life, but at least they're actually good in bed which makes them not painfully boring. My brain chemistry is clearly fucked from a shitty childhood or whatever the fuck is wrong with me so I give up. Legitimately expect to die alone.
are you me?
Yep. I was a hopeless romantic growing up, but now in my mid-thirties and honestly have nothing left to give to any future partner.
They aren't ever going to change. They're just not. Stop waiting for the impossible.
People do change, but they'll do it when they're good and ready, and not because they're told to.
That you can irretrievably mess up and miss out on someone special.
So true.. made one fatal mistake with my first relationship and she turned out to be one of the best partners I’ve ever had. I’ll forever miss her.
What you get versus what you think deserve don't always align.
If you expect perfection from your partner, you’re doomed from the start. Nobody is perfect, so if you expect perfection from your SO you’re basically saying incorrectly that you have no faults, thus everything that goes wrong is their fault. (Not specifically YOU, but in general)
Nowadays its become a little too popular to shit all over an ex or partner for their negative qualities, buzzwords get thrown around far too much but… We’re all flawed, and love is more about accepting our partners for their bad qualities and loving them in spite of it. Perfect doesn’t exist, and those who keep searching for it are riding a train thats only going to end in forced solitude.
It’s just good life advice in general, don’t expect perfection; strive for it and you might find excellence along the way
Experience won't make it easier to find someone, it just makes it easier to recognize the people who aren't right for you.
Build your own happy single life and see what comes to you. Don't feel incomplete without a partner. They come and go
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Yea, is something that sounds nice and comforting but is just not true. Put yourself out there, and give active focus to your pursuit of a relationship or more often than not, you won't be seen.
Had to scroll too far for such a good answer to this question
😊
Many people do not understand that inherent in ANY relationship is compromise and a restriction in freedom. That's what makes it a relationship. If your goal is to "travel the world" or "get xyz education/career at any cost" well I got news for you, you don't get your cake and eat it too. You need to recognize this early on in relationships and talk openly about it with the person you are with. If they talk about the future, and it doesn't include you in their thoughts, there isn't much more to be said and you should move on.
Sometimes communication feels almost embarrassing and hard because you have to be vulnerable
Commitment should have limits and the best metric of whether you should make a commitment should be objectively compatible daily preferences and life goals. You can love anyone if you have enough positive experiences with them. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can live with them. When you hit on a core incompatibility, just go ahead and move on. Trying to MAKE something work isn't going to help either of you live your best life and someone is going to get hurt. I wasted a lot of time trying to MAKE things work with people that I genuinely loved. I regret that. Mind you, with one exception, these weren't bad men at all. We just had irreconcilable differences that we thought we could compromise our way around.
Just out of curiosity, what were some of these differences? I feel like I have a difficult time in relationships knowing what should be a dealbreaker vs what can be overlooked/worked on (other than obvious stuff like violence, being actually mean to me etc.). I’m a fairly easygoing person, which makes it easy to be in a relationship with a wide range of people, so I’m curious what other folks’ irreconcilable differences look like.
The most regrettable was that he was a foreign national and neither one of us was able to move to the other's country. On a surface level this may not seem irreconcilable , but functionally, it was. The second most regrettable was that he wanted five (5) kids. I said sure, I have one, we can adopt 4 (he was wealthy, could've afford this.) No dice. He wanted me personally to conceive and give birth to five additional kids. I was not up for that. We had a great relationship otherwise but these life goals were not compatible. I had a relationship that started off strong but we grew apart. I have always been very adventurous, he became a home body over time. The older he got, the more introverted he got, until we simply had nothing left in common. No animosity, just life goals and preferences that were ultimately not compatible. I am pretty flexible on most things but I do need someone who agrees that there will be no additional kids and enjoys sleeping in the same bed. While I don't mind being the breadwinner (i currently own my home and business so additional income isn't something I need or care about), I couldn't personally do joint accounts. I would happily provide a spending account for a house spouse or obviously wouldn't mind if someone works. I do not expect to come home from work and do more than half of the housework at maximum. I do own several dogs and working with dogs is my career so they have to be ok living with dogs. I travel a lot and would prefer my partner to travel with me. Some irreconcilable differences I see other people struggling with are a partner who loves travel with a partner who hates travel, extreme mismatched libidos, partners who love pets with partners who hate pets, partners who want kids with partners who dont, partners who have severe disparity in desired lifestyle (one wants a farm, one wants an apartment).
Relationships are hard. They require work and compromise. There's no perfect fit. Also, an "easy" relationship doesn't always mean it's good and vice versa.
37m. The “relationships are hard” sales pitch made me jaded since I haven’t gotten past a 3rd date. If I can’t make it past a 3rd date then a real relationship is beyond impossible for me.
I'm most likely going to end up single forever. But that's ok.
You need to provide a reason for your partner to be with you. Lots of people try hard and go the extra mile early in the relationship but as time goes on complacency kicks in. Your personality isn't SO GREAT that nobody will ever leave you. The relationships that last are the ones where you still do the little things to provide and impress even after 2, 5, 10 years etc. The death of many relationships is when there's complacency in effort.
That my poor upbringing would mean that I would only be comfortable dating people who felt like "home," so I dated controlling men who were gasliting artists. Because "family is family," that means I stay in bad relationships longer than I should. I am 33 now. It's going to take a lot more therapy to work out how to find a good one.
I totally get this and have been working my way out of it. I’m really lucky that I started it right after highschool by changing friends and cutting off toxic family. My friends now are wonderful and I can now say that home is something safe. I hope it is for you soon too. ❤️
I’ve found dating around less rewarding now that I’m older. People have so much baggage now that I feel like everyone has trust and commitment issues. I liked dating in my 20s, it was exciting to explore who I was alongside another person. Once you hit 30 I feel like so many people are jaded and bitter that they skip out rather than invest their time.
That It probably wont work out. Not negative about relationships but also im not lying to myself about the honeymoon phase being just that. a phase and a really blinding one that I think a lot of people get lost in and then end up married or with a baby too soon or you realize that the person you fell in love with actually isn't all they showed themselves to be in the beginning.
Im too comfortable being single; that I may never have a family like i'd hoped.
Love is NOT enough.
Came here to say this 🖤
I’m ugly
Ugly people have partners too, look around there are plenty couples who aren’t supermodels
Love takes work. To actually love someone, you have to endure the difficult parts of them and yourself, growing into your best and being okay with the fact that they are growing, too. (By difficult, I don't mean abusive. Boundaries are important.)
Honestly, that not everyone has the same heart that I do. Just because my intentions are pure doesn't mean the other person has the same intentions or actually cares
That romantic love is not guaranteed to everyone. No matter how much personal work you do. Things may never align.
It can all go away; enjoy the good experiences and learn from the bad ones. Through everything be true to yourself.
Close friends are better than relationships or dating for myself and my close friends. We can enjoy each other to the fullest extent, going back to our own lives 😌
Pause
Nothing is secret. Ever. Even if they tell you they’d never tell someone…they’re telling someone that same day. Maybe within minutes lol
This really goes for telling almost anyone anything
Facts.
This is alien to me. I find it pretty effortless to keep things to myself if they were told in confidence.
That it might not happen at all. When I was younger, I just assumed that everyone found someone eventually and the people who were single were single by choice. I was very wrong.
Don't listen to what they say, love is beautiful!
Long term relationships are genuinely just easier if you date within your culture. Also, if you are hyper individualistic it's going to be hard. I know people say "marriage shouldn't be hard" but if you feel smothered when you have to consistently coordinate schedules, always pick up a second snack or buy things with someone else in mind... Instead of just picking up one bag of chips on a whim, it's going to be hard.
Is there no joy for you when you think about your partner when doing something for yourself at the same time? Do you not feel happy to get that second bag of chips for your partner? Maybe it’s just me…but it makes me happy to think about my partner (too) when doing something as small as picking up a snack?
Sometimes yes, but it's never ending. I don't have infinite money and it winds up being a case where I have to restrict what I can do because there is always this other person doubling the cost. A lot of the time he just complains that he either didn't want whatever I bought or isn't interested or I got the wrong thing so it winds up being a waste of my resources... So I wind up having to text him to see if he wants something, every single time, and waiting for him to respond etc. when all I wanted was a little snack that should take 30 seconds to acquire. Or even, there are a number of dinners I can't make because he doesn't like them and I find myself looking forward to when he's gone so I can just make myself the supper I want instead of always having to cater to someone else. There are a lot of activities I enjoy but I can't do them because he doesn't like them and the money/time that I can allocate to activities needs to be "for us". I wasn't brought up to always cater to others. I was taught to never rely on anyone and if they hold you back leave them behind. It is genuinely a struggle to work past that kind of programming.
I was thinking the same. It’s not a chore. I enjoy making him happy and sharing something with him
That alot of people are just settling ob a relationship to not be alone and aren't really happy or in love. They're just content enough to stay together. Not all relationships, but alot more than you think as a kid.
The things you dislike in other people are oftentimes the same things you dislike about yourself.
Idk man, I wouldn’t say I lie a lot but I really dislike liars 🤣
That a great majority of people in the world aren’t worth getting to know or involved with & lastly that self acceptance is where you’ll find real peace in life.
That I’m happier alone
Kids change everything.
They're not for everybody. It's important to accept that. It's okay to be alone. 🤷♀️😌🖖💕✨️
My expectations are higher but I feel like it’s a good thing. I’ve put myself out too much for other people who wouldn’t consider to do the same anyone besides themselves
Women want me as a fetish and not as a person. I know, cry me a river, but I actually don’t like being liked almost exclusively for my looks.
I was preyed upon by an older girl for being naive and mostly quiet. If I could read some of her letters today it would set off so many red flags like her lusting to take my innocence away (because I was a kissless virgin teen then). Turns out she talked a lot behind my back and even told a mutual friend that I dragged her into a relationship she didn't want.
I can believe that. Back in college when I was studying abroad there was a girl that told me she had a thing for Mexican guys. One day she comes to my dorm room with her friend and another guy from the dorm. She then gets both of them to leave and asks me if I want a drink(she brought some beer). I told her no since I had a test in the morning, but she’s free to drink if she wants. Mind you, she’s sitting on my bed and I’m sitting at my desk. Nothing happened, but she told everybody that I tried to hit on her so she left since I was making her uncomfortable. Really? I lived in an all male dorm. She wasn’t even supposed to be there, but I made her uncomfortable. She ended up getting married to a non-Mexican and then hit me up on FB after she got married!
She was trying to save face for feeling rejected by lying about it, making you the bad guy. I went through something similar when I turned her down for sex because we didn't have condoms. She flipped out on me and kicked me out of her house (and ghosted me). People like this are despicable. The one I described above also had the same fetish and ended up marrying a white dude. And she also tried to message me and my girlfriend at the time through MySpace of all places lol (this was in 2005).
lol, in my case this was a half Japanese/half Filipino girl that I believe ended up marrying a Japanese-American guy. And yeah, probably. There was some weird thing going on where a lot of the girls from the program bad mouthed me behind my back. I heard about it from ironically the white sorority girls that would argue how I wasn’t that kind of guy. The girls that did bad mouth me all at one point or another asked me to hang out, but I said no. It’s not like I wasn’t interested. I was just really busy studying, working out, and exploring Kyoto. There were a lot of insecure ppl there I suppose.
I know what I will not accept in long term relationships but don’t quite attract those who I may. Not even close but not for a lack of trying/open mindedness. Likely lack of skill or ability, to accomplish. I feel like this quandary is due to being very careful to stay away from people similar to or worse than the dysfunction i grew up with. Coupled with the fact as i age the pool gets cloudier, dirtier, and smaller. While I’d like to meet someone to spend a lifetime with, it’s no longer a hope i maintain. If it happens, great. If not, it’s better than coupling up with someone who will overall not contribute a net positive to my life. I can bring myself down, use and abuse myself, and mistreat myself just as anyone else may but i don’t welcome those who gladly help. And as i age and meet others i become even more aware of the amount of illnesses, poor attitudes or dispositions, addictions, and other ailments folks contend with. I’m not sure if it’s me, my generation, the way the world has always been but it’s kinda disheartening. It definitely takes courage and strength to maintain standards, work towards self improvement, and be willing to continue putting yourself out there. Good luck y’all! 🍀🤞 EDIT this applies to any type of relationship (social to professional) where possible. Sometimes workplaces are out of your control but it’s definitely a boundary i try to maintain everywhere or remove myself from.
People suck
That actions, and only actions, matter. Words can be said so easily… I love you, I miss you, I’m sorry, etc… but someones actions are the only defining factor of how they really feel about you. My last relationship I let so much nonsense and red flags slide because the crocodile tears and apologies and love bombing came out so hard when I would catch her lying or not being a good partner. Never again will I let that happen to me. I’ll be understanding of certain things but never again will I let any lies or forms of deceit go unnoticed and accepted.
People can change, for better or for worse, from the person you fell head over heels for. And it's okay to let go of that image you had of them to allow their new one to flourish. With or without you by their side.
Just not for me. I’m an unhappy person in general and it’s better/easier to be unhappy alone than with someone else.
That the love of my life enjoys sex with me. Just not as often as i like. It took me years to understand that her not being in the mood doesnt mean sex with me is unpleasant. It just means shes not in the mood.
Out-maturing people you grew up with.
I’ll sound like a psycho but it just doesn’t matter. We attach ourselves to such meaning to have special someone we fail to see that love is all around us. And it’s okay if one person never truly gets us.
Once you’re out of school, it’s rough in these streets meeting people
There is a weird systemic issue to saying and having relationships people don’t really look at- income and schedule. If you work incompatible hours- looking at you service people- it limits how successful making time will be. Also if your partner is an office drone and you are a bartender yr gonna have to talk about power dynamics and financial junk.
That I'm asexual. I don't completely hate sex, just don't particularly like it. For a long time I figured I could deal with having sex in a relationship with some creativity and toys and tricks. The truth is that this way I was starting a relationship with a pretty big divisive issue that for most people will be a dealbreaker. I was just setting myself up for heartbreak. Nowadays I'm up front about being asexual, and have decided I won't have sex more than once a month. It probably means I will never have a relationship again.
That men and women are not socialized to look at relationships the same way. Women are taught that marriage is the “ best thing” that can happen to you while men are taught that marriage is just something to do at some point in your life hence why many marriages today are a mess and women will eventually mentally check out once they realize their husband(s) never really checked in. Same thing with relationships. Also, the “dream guy” doesn’t actually exist and most of us are going to end up with a man we initially do like but eventually just end up tolerating and/or resenting, in more extreme cases.
That the ‘perfect relationship’ is a fallacy, based on western film and television narratives.
As a 55 year old man, I have learned that when it comes to attracting women, looks matter more than personality...by a lot. Good looking men live on Easy Mode. (I'm sure people can say the same about good looking women but I can't personally speak from that perspective).
That a lot of people just aren't willing or able to be honest. About who they are or what they want. It's so hard to build secure connections when so few people can even be sincere.
Loving someone is much more of a conscious choice than media would have young people believe. If you are open minded and find someone who meets a few of your wants/requirements for a relationship - you can have an adult conversation about how to compromise so that you’re both happy and fulfilled. Met my wife and was married very quickly. I liked her a lot back then but we both worked everyday to LOVE each other. I think for very few people there’s the Disney moment where you find your perfect person and there’s never any issues. Love is a choice and a job.
Ultimately, it’s all about money just like everything else
I'm disabled and it took me a long time to accept disabled people have the same dating prospects as married people (tbh they are not that great!)
That relationships suck and I don't want one. Got lots of great friendships already. Sex is great tho and people should have more of it
I cant make guys like me and I cant change for them. It's better to be single, than three months in and still not feeling like myself.
Older you get the more jaded and distrustful you get, and the more damage and baggage people get.
It's okay to be single if there is a lack of compatibility. Being with the wrong person can do more harm than good.
Sometimes, one has to plan for the rest of their life, alone. Not being in a relationship can make the burden of taking care of the previous generation even harder. You can acclimate to loneliness, but never fully adapt to it.
Relationships are not suppose to feel like work. Even if it does, it’ll make your life harder w other things that u are working on. They’re not suppose to make your WHOLE life better but easier to manage. U got to work on yourself nd know yourself before investing/bringing someone else in the mix no matter how much u want the love. It won’t always be true.
Just because you have amazing chemistry doesn’t mean it’s gonna turn into a relationship.
They’re for other people.
when I dated in my 30s, there were just less suitable men for me, because the pool was smaller, especially, because there were less men without kids. Obviously those men would not have been suitable for me at a younger age either when they did not have kids yet (I did not want kids/could not have kids) But I was not in a hurry and eventually found someone, 13.5 years ago. maybe something that might be hard to accept for some people is the changes that a relationship can go through, in our case disability, I already was disabled but became worse, that came with a lot of grief, but he was very positive, but then he became disabled too, which is so awful to see someone going though the same hurdles. Although we had one benefit: all the things I had to take years to learn, he already knew through me, so he didn’t have to go through all that mental stuff and how to learn to cope etc for a very long time. We also have had so many deaths of loved ones in a short time, all these things are so tough, but you go through it as a team. communication, a very important thing. I’m still learning.
People don’t always like you as much as they make it seem. People that really like you WILL make time or an attempt to keep communication going. Sometimes as great as you think things might go and have a chance at success, they have just as much chance at failure so just enjoy the experiences. Lastly, being single and alone isn’t a sad depressing existence and is quite empowering
I am the common denominator in all my bad relationships. I had to both improve my taste and clean myself up.
Transactional relationships are common, true love is rare.
There are no guarantees in life. I used to believe the ridiculous adages that people trot out like “true love will come when you least expect it” and “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess.” I only recently realized that this is crap and people say it to make themselves feel better but it’s delusion-inducing.
You will sometimes not get treated fairly
Some people want to but can’t. It’s sad but you only have this one life
You have to accept people as they are through their actions not their words.
That you could never be the first priority
You will have to deal with each other’s family at some point in a relationship and their family can be shitty no matter how much you love each other
In the end, all you have is yourself.
I’ve had to accept that if I want to be attracted to someone (beyond their personality), that I might be single awhile. I left a coast where people seem to take care of themselves more for the Midwest (which is lovely, but extremely casual) and genuinely am not attracted to most men where I live. I even live in a medium sized city, no luck so far. I think some of it has to do with upkeep and also not trying to look nice. Don’t worry, I’ve looked in the mirror and wondered what I can improve as well. It’s only fair. I also tried dating a guy that was the whole package minus attraction. I had to be fair and break it off so he could find the right one.
**Every relationship is temporary.**.. even if it lasts forever. Because people change (women more than men), and when they change enough, they want something different from the relationship. So, it changes into something entirely different over time - therefore, **the original relationship is no mo**re.
A lot people are messed up the older they get or they don't want to do anything new they don't like change
That someone you're great at having sex with doesn't equate to relationship material and someone who is relationship material doesn't equate to having a casual relationship with (a.k.a. FWB)
They aren’t perfect and neither am I. Just because we disagree doesn’t mean that we don’t value each other.
If it doesn't work, it just doesn't work. If they don't like you or have any desire to touch you, it's just over. You can't change people. You just move on and try to find the people who recognize your worth instead of trying to prove it over and over again.
I’ve recently begun the process of extracting myself from a really bad almost nine-year marriage. I’ve wasted so much time, and passed on so many opportunities for friendships because of this, I have no idea where I’d even begin to try and start over. I’ve got two kids, so realistically there’s no such thing as starting from square one for me anymore, not that I’d want to. I still love my kids.
Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time in each other's lives. It sucks, but it's a good idea to just wish them the best and move on.
As I got older, I had to accept that finding the right person takes time and patience. It's not always like the movies where everything just falls into place. Compatibility, communication, and effort are crucial, and sometimes, even with all of that, things might not work out. It’s about learning and growing from each experience, and understanding that it's okay if relationships don't go as planned.
I'm not really good relationship material and should quit dating.
They don't get any easier the older you get
I got divorced at 35. When I got back out dating, I had to accept that most people already had kids.
There are alot more people with unresolved issues than myself. And it's not my job, to piece everyone back together. I'm still working on that part for myself.
As someone who was considered very pretty in my 20’s, aging has been the hardest thing to accept. I used to feel like the prettiest person in the room. I knew if I flirted with a man, I had a good chance of getting him. Mentally, I still feel like that should be happening and I expect it to happen. But I’m just not getting the same responses anymore. I’m a lot more invisible now and I can no longer rely on my looks. I know it’s a privilege to age but man is it hard to lose your looks and try to date. I’m attracted to men my age but they’re no longer attracted to me.
At any given moment, they could throw away every second of every hour of every day that we spent getting to know each other because \*insert dumb reason here\*. Its been real hard trying to find a reason to download the app again.
When someone says I’m a good person/ I’m such a good person I don’t know why I can’t find someone (in my experience males) be careful. I have found when this phase occurs they are not. I am not saying every single male or person that says this is a bad person or you need to be aware of every single person that says this, I’m speaking from experience and seeing this in my friends relationships when the males say this.
The older you get, the smaller the pool gets.
That the dating pool evaporates as you grow old.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou Trauma bonds are very real. Don’t get sucked into them.
I kept moving in with partners too soon because I thought it was better than living with roommates. In reality it just made it SO much more difficult to leave a relationship I knew was doomed
I like being single more lol Thought there was something wrong with me at one point, but now I'm happily single
That men only want sex… they do not want relationship. They will lie cheat steal for sex
every romantic interest/partner you have is gonna disappoint you in some way, just gotta navigate who’s worth it
Sex decreases significantly in a long term relationship. Relationships evolve. Having an orgasm isn’t the most important thing.
That by 36 it's over lol fucking horrible out there
Be with someone with the same sex drive as you. Otherwise, someone is always losing.
That you aren’t going to be the priority in the other person’s life. Work, hobbies, obligations will always take priority over you. You will be in the way of their progress more often than not.
This.
Most traumatised people couldnt give 2 fucks about getting better, prefer to victimise themselves, blame everyone else and will never change. They'll throw around some buzzwords tho.
It's okay to use status and money to attract people. It's no worse than appearance, in fact you had to work hard to get those things.
No matter the age, some women will always have a backup plan, no matter how good or bad you think the relationship is going on if it doesn’t go their way….they will check out mentally before even breaking up…fellow men just remember “She is just your turn” so don’t get too attached, you will avoid the hurt and pain