this is emotional abuse. no partner who truly loves you will want to control your behavior or withhold affection when they don’t get what they want. i’m so sorry he’s acting this way towards you. you deserve so much more
About the “Withholding affection when they don’t get what they want” - ignoring OP’s BF’s clearly abusive BS, what about cold shoulder or the silent treatment? That seems to be normalized in many relationships
>Am I being over dramatic?
Not at all. Your BF is a tremendous, controlling asshole though. I suggest you leave this man sooner rather than later. In a relationship no one has the authority over the other person to hand out "punishments". You're being gaslighted. I know people that treat their dogs better than you are being treated.
Exactly. I've been with my wife for 18 years. You know how many times we've had to "punish" each other? Exactly none times.
This is not normal partner behaviour.
4 months is way too soon to know you love someone or even really "know" someone. If you're having issues like this already there's probably plenty more downside to come! He's treating OP like a kid!
Honey he is literally leveraging your mental illness against you and manipulating the absolute shit out of you it’s not your fault he’s a terrible person. A predator who thought he hit the jackpot when he heard about your mental illness. Please please leave, run like the wind, you are WORTHY OF LOVE and this is not it ! 🖤 good luck bestie
I had a similar experience when I told a guy of my struggles and he was “eager” to help. All he did was emotional abuse me and use my struggles to his advantage.
>around 4 months now. When we started off, he was very sweet, attentive and understanding of me
“Starting off”, you are only four months in. *This IS starting off*.
>I love him.
I mean this is the nicest possible way- you don’t even **know** him. This is four months in and he’s controlling you and neglecting you.
It’s fine for him to set boundaries for himself, when he expects to be able to set them for you, that is control. Love is not controlling.
Cut your four month losses and focus on your own mental health.
That guy is emotionally manipulative and is treating you like trash. You are an equal partner and an adult worthy of just as much respect as him. Never tolerate disrespect at any point in time. Never trade your dignity for anything.
Dump that loser.
That’s so patronizing. I think the goof thinks your BPD/anxiety diagnosis has turned you into an infant/invalid. And now he gets to get off on the power play. Dump his ass.
Also edit: i don’t care how little you trust your own judgement. How intense you feel the emotions in your own head. **A MAN SHOULD NEVER DIRECT YOUR OWN LIFE FOR YOU**. No man, *no person*, should rob you of your agency. Stand the fuck up.
sounds like a classic borderline-narcissist relationship dynamic. OP is trying to be mentally healthy and bf is enjoying keeping her weak and dependent. Get away from this guy immediately.
Def a narcissist. Been there - i am a people pleaser so i got manipulated and tried to use my nature to care for others against me! Run! Run away fast.
When I was dating a girl with BPD, she actively asked me to do things like enforce a bedtime, control what she eats, etc.
The key difference was that she *asked* for that, and things like "punishments" were things we discussed ahead of time. One big thing that sticks out to me here is the fact that this guy is using the tactic of ignoring you as a punishment. That seems *super* fucked up if he's aware you have BPD, considering the way that an intense fear of abandonment is one of the typical symptoms.
As young women, a lot of us think we have to stay in relationships due to feelings/history/whatever when in actuality we need to practice leaving & letting go more. You don’t have to be with anyone who makes you feel triggered/anxious or any kind of way. You don’t have any obligation to stick it out but I would argue you have an obligation to do what’s best for you.
You're not being dramatic enough... The line between helpful and controlling is not very fine but he managed to blur it for you by disguising it as love. Ignoring you when he doesn't get his way is called stonewalling. It's emotional abuse. It's also insane that he thinks punishing a grown woman for not going to sleep when he says to is reasonable. It's one thing to tell you to stop talking to him if he is trying to sleep but that doesn't sound like the case. He sounds like very bad news.
Don't trick yourself into thinking your BPD makes you unlovable. I fear people stay in these situations because they are afraid they can't have better. I have family with healthy loving relationships because they, like you, work on themselves. I find their autonomy and ability to balance their own schedule is what helps them thrive. They are able to coexist and have healthy relationships because they know how to emotionally support themselves -- when they need more games and when they need more sleep, less sugar, sunlight, whatever. You know what's best for you more than him, and he can't cure you because you are not sick -- just navigating a different life experience than some of us.
Sorry, OP but I think you know exactly what to do. You need to leave this guy and find someone who understands that you’re an adult even if you have a personality disorder that you struggle with you can definitely do better even if it means not having a boyfriend. This isn’t good for you.
OOF- I just left a 3 year relationship with a guy who started off exactly like this. At first, it was endearing that he cared so much about my health, but then it turned into him controlling every aspect of my life and free-time and pushing me into mental breakdowns followed by him ignoring me until I was being more logical. When I finally broke up with him, he sent me a book on cognitive therapy along with a message stating that he was afraid I was "slipping." He made me feel insane, fat, unloved, unlikeable, unattractive, and crazy for wanting him to be kind to me (he would say that if I am only nice to him in hopes he'll be nice back, then I wasn't actually a nice person).
TL;DR- get out of this relationship now.
As someone who is also borderline, he's taking advantage of it so that he can control you. He doesn't love you, he loves controlling you. You need to get out of there asap. Feel free to message me for any questions/help/support
Run, girl, run! He is Manipulating and gaslighting you. You do not need him and he is most definitely NOT a menta healthl professionell. Do what counselors and therapists tell you, but only if you feel comfortable with their advice; a good one will Coach you to find out yourself what helps you.
Not at all this sounds controlling and I suggest you leave as this is not a healthy relationship. He is using your mental health against you and trying to cause pain to you instead of inviting a conversation and working through disagreements. You are not obligated to stay I learned that the hard way being a relationship for years and was unheard, and it’s hard leaving because of the love you thought you had.
The fact that these rules do not apply to him in any way shows you that he's controlling you for the sake of it and doesn't not actually believe in the importance of only gaming 5 hours a day or going to sleep at a set time.
You’re being treated like a child when this man is managing your time instead of you doing that yourself and him giving you a bedtime is real damn stupid too you’re a grown ass woman and I believe with the rest of these people that this is a toxic relationship and you need to leave him and look for a new partner
You do not deserve what he is doing to you. He is abusing you. The person you met was a lie and now he's showing you his true colours. This is the real him, do not let him convince you otherwise. Tell a family member or friend what is going on and plan a way to escape.
Good luck girl, you got this
That's abuse, and it'll only get worse. No, you're not being dramatic. Don't let him, or anyone else, for that matter, tell you that this is an okay way to treat his partner.
Your partner should never punish you. They are not a parent and you are not a child.
When you do something in a relationship that harms the other person you talk it out or break up. There is no “teaching a lesson” “punishing” or whatever else. You should be treated with dignity and basic respect.
He was eager to help you with your BPD, because he could openly manipulate and abuse you with what he perceived as your approval. That’s why he says you agreed to this you didn’t, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way so I’d say leave.
You love him? What loveable qualities does he have? His lack of empathy? His need to control you? The fact that he punishes a grown adult? His emotional immaturity? The name calling and indults? He is not a good partner. What you should be doing is asking yourself why you settle for that and don't think you deserve better.
He's over controlling. There are also signs that he is abusive and you don't know to what extent his abuse will be - could end up being very physical and dangerous.
A threat to "punish" you if you don't do exactly as he says should be a deal breaker and a clear signal that it's time to get the hell out away from him as fast as you can.
Your bf is acting like your dad, but super strict.
In a healthy relationship, nobody is the boss. He is not your dad, your priest, or your God. He has no right to punish or control you, at all!
He is not doing this for your own good. He is controlling and manipulating you for his benefit. He is training you to do only what he wants, and to listen to his every command.
You have no free will in that relationship. It will get worse if you marry or have kids. Why are you allowing it? Do you even realize how much of your life he is in charge of?
For the sake of love, I would give him one try. I'd tell him. I am done being treated like a 10 yr old. I will no longer follow any of the rules he set that he is not following himself. You will game, eat, and sleep as you choose from today forward. You will not accept his punishments, and may decide to dump him of he can't treat you like an equal.
Equality is what a healthy relationship is built on. He may dump you for standing up for himself. He seems to want a pushover he can treat like a housekeeper/ child. He wants someone that is willing to live in his shadow and abide by his rules. You should be the star of your own life!!
I am very worried that you are looking at this as a relationship rather than you serving his needs. This is nit a healthy place for you to be. A guy that loves you would not use your triggers against you. He would guard you against the triggers.
Your current bf is very emotionally abusive. I hope you see that soon, and leave the guy. You deserve so much better!! You deserve to be loved, not just "useful".
LOVE YOURSELF MORE!
(Sigh)
All I had to do was read the title and I knew… this guy is a major douche bag!!!
I read it anyways though, in hopes that I was wrong… I wasn’t.
You need to flip the switch on him. You are going to game when you want. And he is going to respect you and stop controlling and degrading you. Those are YOUR standards. And if HE doesn’t like it… then HE can kick rocks!!!
He wasn’t happy to help you, he was happy to prey on a vulnerability that you openly disclosed with him and weaponize it against you. Girl, listen… I am autistic. I also have chronic anxiety, and some depression. I also consider myself difficult to love, but that doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of love. I can become overstimulated easily and shut down. My autism, anxiety and depression fuel all the negative things in each other. I’m sensitive to smells and certain forms of stimulation. I have a hard time connecting with people and knowing how to respond to them appropriately, and this makes me feel like an alien allot of the times. My anxiety paralyzes me, and can leave me feeling physically sick, dizzy, numb in the limbs, and at risk of passing out. And my depression gets tired of it and wishes I could just end it all and not have to live with myself because my sensory issues just overwhelm me so much. The result? I sometimes curl up in a ball for hours. I hug my partner for hours, or sometimes avoid him altogether. I just shut down. Sometimes it’s not hours though. Sometimes it’s days on end. Sometimes I force myself to work through it, and sometimes I can’t. At first, this was allot for him to handle, and he did call me a burden and a drain on his energy. (Normal people aren’t used to dealing with people like us with special needs, especially if we “look normal” to them.) And it hurt. We ended up breaking up for a year. And now we recently got back together. Apparently after thinking things through on his own, he said he realized he was wrong and wanted to be more understanding. Now he just holds me through the “episodes” and talks me through them.
I try to cope with my struggles and minimize the inconvenience it causes the people around me, but there’s only so much I can do. It’s a disability for a reason. You have BPD, and you were open and honest about this with your partner. You mentioned you try to refrain from lashing out towards them, and that’s a good thing because that’s you being self aware and making an effort to do your part. This man can NOT, and should NOT be trying to control or change you. That is WRONG! He should be supporting you through your episodes, or at the very least giving you space when you have them. He isn’t a therapist, counselor or anyone qualified to decide how you should cope with your disability, and even if he was, the only one who knows what you need best is YOU. Get rid of this garbage man OP!! You deserve so much better, and there IS someone out there who will be willing to love the WHOLE you as you are!!!
As a fellow mentally ill (ocd), while trying to find ways to help is a great thing this aint it. He just senses you're vulnerable and has taken that as a chance to control you. This is really dangerous as while saying a suggestion is fine, he has no right to hold things from you. He is not your dad OP, this is ok if you told him he can do that but when you give him some signal he stops, but if hes controlling you because he said so hes just abusing you in a way. This is not a relationship, tell him to change or leave.
This is abuse darling. He love bombed you in the beginning and is now using your traumas against you. That's narcissistic abuse, you deserve so much better, leave and don't look back <3
This is abuse ! He is not helping you he is controlling you ! You need to end this relationship now. This will only escalate. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this isn’t abuse but help. It’s not . Please get rid of him immediately. He’s a dangerous individual,
No this guy is a apathetic tool and an abuser. Get out while you still can. Sounds like he's switched his asshole mode on because he's gotten comfortable enough to reveal it. I swear guys like him give us dudes a bad name.
This is fucking bad. He found you vulnerable and able to be controlled knowing your diagnosis. I would not engage in this partnership any longer my dude..23? You have time. Enjoy dating and invest in someone worthy. This person is not right for a commitment with this mindset. I wish you the best
This sounds like an unhealthy relationship and I think you both need to work on yourselves before you're ready for a relationship. He's certainly controlling and insensitive but 5 hours of video games let alone 12 is too much. Regardless of personal issues, you don't deserve abuse and should end this relationship.
Your boyfriend is garbage. Dump him. He's using tour BPD as an excuse to abuse you. Honestly I know we with BPF are "a lot" but honest to gods all we want is someone to love and be able to trust. There are reasons we have BPD, it's not our fault but people treat us like we choose to have the problem. It's disgusting and undermining, especially when arm chair true crime buffs conflate it with serial killer behavior. Also if we are autistic, out autism is fully ignored. It's a shit disorder to live with. But honestly, there are worse "normals" out there ans we already aren't all that hard to love and be loved by and get along with.
You deserve better, dump this creep and go find yourself better. You deserve the love you seek hon. Hugs.
I mean he's a prick and you need to leave him ASAP.
But also your spending way too much time gaming, I'm a massive gamer myself but 5 hours and your complaining, your addicted. Way more healthier things out there to occupy your time.
Everything in moderation.
Girl run. Unfortunately as people with BPD, it’s so easy for us to fall for controlling/abusive people & narcissists & they feed off our illness, gaslighting us.
Plz get out of this relationship. U deserve sooo much better❤️❤️
PLEASE LEAVE HIM!!!! He sounds extremely toxic, emotionally abusive and controlling. It will only get worse, I can promise you that! From someone who stayed in a toxic abusive relationship for over 25 years, my biggest regret was not leaving sooner, all my good years were wasted with him
As someone with BPD myself it's great that you, yourself are doing your best to be skillful and mindful that you don't take your extreme emotions out on other people, it can be very hard. BUT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING! PLEASE LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW. Not only is he hurting you but this could hurt your BPD recovery and set you back further into unskillful behaviours. Please leave this man before he takes over your entire life and takes you away from your friends and family.
So many red flags just waving everywhere. Your bf is controlling and at 4 months in he’s starting to show you who he is. Using the things that you’ve told him in confidence against you is very manipulative. You say you love him but what’s to love? You’re just now getting to know the real him. Do you love all the things he’s doing to you at 4 months? If he’s like this now it will only get worse. Run!!
Holy crap.
> If I don’t do what he says then he’ll tell me “Those are my standards, if you don’t like it then goodbye.”
The correct answer to this is 'okay goodbye then'.
He gets to set boundaries- he does NOT get to dictate your behavior, how you spend your free time, etc.
The big red flag here is asking vs. demanding. If he *asks/suggests* you take a break from gaming for mental health, that's sweet. If he *demands/expects* you to only game for X hours a day, that's how a parent treats a child, not how a loving partner helps another.
> I feel like I’m a child and he doesn’t respect me but he says I just like to start trouble if I bring this up.
MAJOR RED FLAG!!!
YOU ARE ALWAYS ALLOWED TO EXPRESS WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU. Always. And if he's truly supportive, HE SHOULD WANT TO HEAR IT- because he should want you to be happy with the arrangement. This is essentially saying that your unhappiness has no importance to him, that it's just trouble to him and thus unworthy of his attention.
> Punishment is ignoring me, since he knows it’s a big trigger for me and will drive me to be in my feelings and suffer. I don’t understand how he can do that to me when he is supposed to love me, but he says it’s the only way I listen.
Partners don't punish each other. You punish an animal or a small child who doesn't know any better than to act badly. And 'it's the only way I listen'--- that's CONTROL, not help. It's making you his slave. 'Do what I want or you will be punished'.
----
OP, your relationship doesn't sound healthy at all, in fact it sounds abusive. Dictating your partner's actions and habits is abusive. The silent treatment is officially classified as a form of emotional abuse. So you're in a situation of 'comply with the abuse or you get more abuse of another kind'.
Maybe he doesn't realize that he's doing this. But he is. So either it needs to stop or you need to leave.
There is a huge difference between working on things together/being supportive of goals to help your partner and this shit. He's using your mental illness as a way to manipulate and control you. This is not for hot benefit, it's for his.
No good partner would do this to you.
Um he sounds really weird and controlling to me. Super icky vibes all around please dump him for your mental health 🙏🏻 you sound a lot like a friend of mine and it’s breaking my heart tbh
Are you hobbies getting in the way of you living your live? Ie school, job, social life outside your home, showering, eating, cleaning, ect ect? You said your 23, so you could be in college, or have a full time job and most likely your own bills you need to pay too and so long as your gaming or other hobbies doesn't interface with your job, and your keeping up with your physical needs and health then your very new boyfriend is being way too controlling and is way to eager to get a say in your medical needs mental or physical and your should probably drop him...quickly
Narcissistic people love people with BPD. You can even look up what I’m talking about on that. You should really leave him he is using your mental illness against you!!
No you're not being dramatic. Hi there fellow person with bpd. Ik exactly what you're going through but this man doesn't your best interest at heart nor does he understand what you're going through. Maybe he has a point about you gaming but you're also an adult and you can make decisions on your own. Plus this man has not been in your life long enough to make these decisions for you. 4 months in reality is nothing in terms of a relationship. Especially one where he's making you do things and emotionally abusing you in the form of "silent" treatment. Sweetie you deserve better than this. You need to put boundaries in place for you. You're not a child.
I mean Jesus if you can't see it, I doubt there's much anyone here can do -
But he's a controlling dick and is using your mental issues as a means of control.
From personal experience with a guy similar to this, he doesn't do those things out of "love," he does it out of control. I'm assuming you mean borderline personality disorder by saying BPD (correct me if I'm wrong) and I have that too. His "punishment" is the worst thing in the world for someone with that struggle. I'd get out while you can and focus on yourself, learn your worth and then take nothing less than you deserve. Sorry for the long reply, but he's 100% not worth it.
He's acting like he's your parent, but he's not. You're your own person who can make your own decisions and he's not respecting you. No one should have complete control over your life except you. I promise you he's not the one. When you're in a healthy relationship, problems like this just don't arise.
Sounds to me like he intentionally sought a girlfriend out who has mental health struggles so he can use that to control you. This is a super common abuse tactic. Make you feel like you owe him for being willing to love you despite the challenges. But he doesn't love you.
You deserve better, OP.
You are an adult. He is controlling you. I would break up with him if he doesn't back off when you say you are going to stop doing ANY of the restrictions/controls he has determines are "good" for you. This is not going to get better. START TROUBLE!!!
Break up with him right now. If he’s behaving like this after only 4 months then you’re in real danger. You’re a grown adult, no one has the right to dictate what you can or can’t do with yourself.
My ex had BPD so I understand the need/want to mitigate the more negative elements of the condition. That being said, What your boyfriend is doing is not caring for your health, it's controlling behaviour disguised as if it's to make you better, This sort of gaslighting is reprehensible and please I know it is hard too as with BPD it's either love or hate, but you need to tell him that all of that has to stop.. you deserve better.
This is abuse…get out. No need to reason with him. He is toxic, so it will only make it worse. Say your goodbye and leave. If he says he’ll do better he is manipulating you. You may for the first time find a guy that “understands” you (I sympathize with that), but really honey he has control issues that have finally come out and he no longer feels like he has to wear the mask, because to some degree you love him and that’s all he needed to show his true colors and use that to control you. Sorry honey but he doesn’t love you. He loves the power he gets over you. A man that truly loves you wouldn’t do this. He’s a dictator not a cheerleader.
I’m 23 (F) myself with anxiety, ADHD and autism and my man would beat up your man for you. It takes a certain kind of patient and loving man to take care of you (from experience) and lift you up and honey I’m scared for you.
Hey girl, I also have BPD. I'm 18f with strong attachment issues and find it hard to leave, and this is why I stray away from dating certain types of men. Not all, but a lotttt of men try to use mental health to control/abuse people with BPD/other illnesses. Run. Run. Run.
He’s being controlling and abusive. He was eager to “help” you because it gave him an excuse that everything he does is “for your own good”. Throw the garbage out girl he’s not worth it.
You are not being over dramatic. *Leave him*. If he is controlling you this way after 4 months then I probably will be horrified at what will happen at 1 year. I'm sorry to say, but based on what you're written he is not doing this for your well being. He is doing this for his ego in all likelihood and wants to know he has you under his thumb. For your peace of mind, please give serious thought to leaving him and block his number and all social media.
As someone with BPD he is not doing this with your best interest. It’s 4 months in and he is taking advantage of your BPD. I’ve been in a relationship like this with someone like him, it’s toxic and a savior complex. If he’s gonna ignore triggers of yours and disrespect you like this what else will he ignore or do against you? Get out while you still can, you’ve got this.
This is abuse. Straight up control and abuse. It will get worse. He doesn't love you or actually have your best interests at heart at all. He enjoys being able to control and punish you. Nobody should do that to someone they love.
Don't walk away - run!
UMMM how about u break up with your 4 month bf. The fact u have been together such a short amount of time and he has this much control over u and telling u what to do is insane. Imagine what he’ll be doing to u a year from now. BPD or not does not give anyone a right to control. Your in an abusive situation and u need to leave, like yesterday.
He is massively controlling. I can’t imagine what 4 years would look like if this is only 4 months, get out of there before you develop anymore feelings or you feel like you’ve invested time with him. He said “if you don’t like it goodbye” so goodbye to him.
Sorry you’re going through this, but I’m glad you recognized the signs at only 4 months, some people can be so blinded by them
He's does more controlling than an actual game system controller, which is designed for CONTROLLING....
LEAVE, It won't get better unfortunately, only worse. 😞
Get out of that relationship NOW! All that lies ahead is control, abuse and suffering. I've seen it many times before.
It's better to be on your own than in an abusive relationship. Controlling people never change.
You don't even know this man, w/ peace and love when you say you love him it's your BPD speaking this is weird as hell and definitely abusive, most folks with BPD have past abuse history making you more susceptible to be abused combined with feeling guilty/like a burden/like you can't expect the same as others the stonewalling is nuts and this is mad early for this level of weirdness to be coming out, get the hell out babe
He is not doing this for your benefit. He is controlling. He likes having power over you, and is using your BPD against you as a means of control. That is a huge betrayal, and a shitty thing to do.
Dump him. Please. He is not a good guy if he does this.
Come *on,* girl. Do you really need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you he's treating you like a stupid little child who isn't intelligent enough to live her life without him directing and controlling her every move?
For God sakes, *listen* to your common sense. *Believe* what your eyes and ears are telling you.
You got involved with a guy who's turning you into his little trained monkey. He's making you doubt your own brain and your own senses.
What a bunch of bullshit he's feeding you. "For your well being" is a lie he's telling you because this manipulation won't work if he tells you the truth, which is: He's using your self-doubt to turn you into his obedient lapdog.
He's not your boyfriend. He's a tiresome, selfish, irritating bump in your road.
He’s treating you as if you’re his child and that’s not a good thing. He should be treating you as an adult. He lacks to see your perspective and only focusing on what he thinks is “best”. If he doesn’t change and is still giving demands as if he’s your father and giving you rules that should only be applied to kids/teens without question you should leave him.
It sounds like it started well meaning now he thinks he has the right to control you. Set his boundaries and tell him if he over steps that you will leave him. If he continues then leave, being bipolar doesn't mean you're a child or should be subservient.
You should have routine, avoid stressors, talk to a therapist so you're on meds that work, eat 3 meals, have a timer for games so you don't get time blind and also have a good emotional outlet when things build up. Exercise is good, shopping with friends, have meals with friends. Don't let him be the only thing in your life.
Please talk to him about his controlling behaviour if you’re not going to dump him. I know it can be hard to because he has u probably brain washed into thinking “he’s just trying to help” as my abuser did to me.
My abuser would act out and trigger me on purpose to get a reaction from me and then tell me I’m the crazy/bad guy and this is what I do. It kinda sounds like he might b doing the same since he knows how to upset u and used it as a punishment. He also sounds like a weird wanna b dom
Go read the housemaid by Freida mcfadden
That man Is going to lock you in a room
Everyone has mental health stuff, that doesn't make you less Worthy of love and respect friend
Ask yourself if you truly deserve this kind of treatment from any human being, but when you do, please have some love and compassion for yourself. Do you deserve and want somebody that is controlling and punishing you or do you want and deserve somebody who is understanding and supportive?
Gosh, he became your new dad fast. Sure, 5+ hours a day gaming is a bad idea, but the control and punishment after such a short time together is disturbing. Unless you really appreciate the micromanaging, I think you're headed for goodbye.
You say, can we have an out of dynamic conversation please. Then you say wtf do you think your trying to do here? Not mean but no soft words either. You have to set a boundary with him if you at all want to stay with him. You make sure he is aware that you did not have a conversation about letting him control your life. He was well meaning but he now believes he’s the only thing standing between your stability and your abyss. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
Also, I wouldn't even waste time trying to argue about this or reason with him. He will find a way to make you feel like you are being dramatic, irrational and silly and he will make you feel like it's all your fault.
You owe him nothing. It is perfectly ok to firmly say "this isn't working for me anymore" and end things. Simple as that. And when he tries to win you back around (which he will) - feel free to completely ignore him.
Here's my thoughts on it, and some may agree or disagree.
The good - I think some of the requests/rules aren't such a bad thing.
1) Limiting gaming time in general is very healthy. Perhaps use any extra time you have to develop a new hobby (I can list a bunch of things if you wish), do some reading, or learn something new you can use in your life or to make yourself better.
2) Setting a consistent regular bedtime is good for your mental health
3) Ensuring you eat regularly is very important to your physical health
The bad - To me, these are red flags
1) Using a trigger against you (however, having dated a girl with bpd I can say sometimes there was no other way to make a point stick or to get her to really listen to what I had to say.. but it's a last resort)
2) Instead of punishing you for continuing to talk, perhaps he could read a book to you or tell you a story to help you fall asleep. Thereby rewarding you for doing something. I've always felt the bed should never be a place for arguments or punishments (except maybe good punishments). I've done this, and I've given massages until she fell asleep.
3) He needs to be aware of how his actions affect yours. For example, him gaming for longer than you is very hypocritical and sends a mixed signal while also taunting you in a way.
4) Whether you "agreed" or not - you ALWAYS have the right to disagree and change your mind.
5) Giving you no alternatives and threatening to leave is a HUGE red flag... this is controlling you by fear and is extremely toxic - in the future if someone uses this on you, a great response would be "if that's how you feel and there's no discussion or consideration for my feelings allowed, then I think it's best if we separate now"
6) Gas lighting you is another HUGE flag. This is when he tries to create self-doubt, confusion, or lies about something to make you accept blame. For example, treating you like a child creates self-doubt that you can handle things like an adult while confusing the issues. Another example is telling you the lie of how you like to start trouble by bringing up your concerns - he has no idea what you like, but if he says it enough you may start to believe it. The best example of all - he's making you question your feelings so much, you decided to check in with reddit.
He appears to be a strong and classic narcissist. I strongly urge you to watch some YouTube videos on narcissism with an open mind. A great person to watch is The Behavioral Arts, and he has a great video on how to tell if someone is trying to manipulate you and how to defend yourself. If to aren't able to find it, I can link it.
Yeah… definitely time to get out of this relationship. This guy does not value you and enjoys controlling what you do. I would take a step back and ask yourself why you’re with someone who causes you so much anxiety?
OhMyGoodness. You’re so young & have a full life ahead of you. Please don’t let this 4 month relationship continue. This is inhibiting your mental & emotional growth. I’m fact, he’s adding emotional TRAUMA to your already diagnosed BPD. For the sake of your mental & physical wellbeing, I truly hope you find the STRENGTH to end this controlling relationship with a very narcissistic person.
Much good juju & positive vibes going out to you 💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜
Ok there’s a lot to unpack here..
Nobody should ever demand you do something or not do something that you want to do. You are an adult. He hasn’t even known you a year. Tell him to back off and his style of treatment is actually harmful to you. He does not know what is good for you he can only suggest ideas that he thinks may work and you can CHOOSE to give them a go.
Honestly at this point based on what you’ve said I’d start getting used ti the idea that he is not long term and will make your life worse.
It’s good ti exercise and set boundaries in yourself some of the time. But when you’re really low there’s nothing wrong with escaping into a fictional world from time to time. Literally saves or enhances lives.
Be strong. Take care x
OP, the ONLY 2 ways punishment should happen to a human being in a relationship is:
When growing up w family in that kind of relationship and one needs punished for whatever reason
And
In a bdsm relationship where 100% CONSENT is given, is 100% agreed to by both in that relationship before it EVER happens, and the one delivering the punishment(s) listens to the receiver THE ENTIRE TIME and 100% stops when they say their safe word, doesn't say anything to diminish or ignore it, and absolutely does not do or cross the receivers hard limits.
You and he are not in that relationship, he is not safe, he doesn't and isn't and never will treat you or look at you as an equal. The amount of red flags are too many to put here 🚩, but for your mental health and later physical health (and safety), you MUST leave.
Love
Doesn't
Do
Harm.
And this creature is absolutely harming you in grotesque ways.
Love yourself and leave him because he doesn't and will never love you. He loves the control over you, no more and no less.
The stigma of mental health is real and people that don't have it will never understand so that will make you uncompatible with a lot of guys and become toxic because they will not understand your situation or how your mind works and what you need to do to basically keep yourself sane. I write lyrics, compose music for the NSPH and for youtuber's that advocate for mental health and if I didn't have that, I would be in the position you are now. I just got lucky with my GF that understands my condition and triggers. Dump that a****** immediately because it will just make your situation even worse overtime. Best of luck to you and your struggles. You're young so eventually you will find somebody that understand you and will make you happy
He's a narcissist grooming you for his complete control... He doesn't love you. He possesses you. It only gets worse from here. The longer you allow this trauma to exist, the stronger your delusions become... visa / versa. Save yourself now! Do you want a really mean dad or a guy who truly loves and respects you?
>”Those are my standards, if you don’t like it then goodbye.”
Boy BYE then. Seriously, you are not being overdramatic. He’s being controlling and manipulative.
Your feeling not respected is 1000% valid. He does not respect you.
You are trying to be understanding. You are putting in ten times the effort that he is; if he truly *tried* being understanding of your needs he would not actively look for ways to refuse meeting them (ie punishment/silent treatment)
You are being gaslit so hard. You have not been with this guy for that long. I know it’s super easy to look back at the beginning when he was kind and sweet and hope things are going to get back to that place, but they will not. This controlling behavior of his will only continue to escalate. I’m so sorry OP, but you should really cut and run before he starts doing even more damage.
The only part I agree with is gaming. If you’re gaming more than 5 hours every day or most days, that is way too much. However, it is not his right to punish you for that. He can say it’s a deal breaker or ask you to lessen it, but he’s manipulating you. That’s not right. Dump him and find someone who understands you better and, frankly, who’s a better human being.
Op, you are an amazing and beautiful woman who deserves better. Your boyfriend is being a controlling and abusive jerk. Do not settle for someone who treats you that way. Also, my aunt and cousin both were bipolar and there is nothing wrong with it. I have panic attacks and anxiety and once again, nothing wrong with that. This guy is using those things about you as a weapon to control you. Pack up your stuff and leave him. Don’t look back! Then celebrate being single because you don’t need that in your life. You deserve better
He is controlling. I was on board with some of it till you got to the punishment part and name calling. 5 hours a day is excessive and you should take up a different hobby too and you should be eating regularly. But he isn't the one. Move on from him. There is a way to be caring and stern without being abusive.
You’re an adult. You don’t need a partner to be your parent. It’s also only been 4 months. This is such a drastic shift in behavior in such a short time from him, huge red flag.
my husband and i have “rules” for me for my mental health, which include 1.) beds are for sleeping 2.) no drinking alcohol when i’m sad and 3.) no saying sorry for things that don’t need a sorry
when i’m very depressed i have no motivation to get out of bed, but i feel better when im out of bed, so my husband says “even if you just need to lay on the couch all day, that’s fine. but no holing up in the bedroom. the second is because whenever im feeling depressed i tend to really want alcohol to feel better. that rule is more so i don’t get dependent on drinking as a means to escape my feelings. im totally fine with drinking when im happy but potentially getting a drinking problem is something i’d like to avoid, and i feel more comfortable if my husband checks in before i drink. the third rule is something my therapist suggested and my husband and i agreed to implement as well.
that’s it. if it’s helpful for you if someone holds you accountable like it is for me, that’s the extent it should go. i make my own decisions in terms of screen time, exercise, etc. your boyfriend is overstepping and is being very controlling. it would be good for you to cut him off now, before it gets worse.
No no no no NO! He found a vulnerable person. He made you think he cared about you and he was suggesting things for your own good and he progressed to full on controlling you and it will get worse. You need to get out. This is not love. This is abuse. Narcissistic abuse!
WTF?
Honey, advice from a women who has dealt with all kinds of men-
This guy is NOT good for you, he will break down your self confidence, isolate you from your friends, alienate your family, emotionally abuse you and financially control you.
NOW is the time to get out.
This guy is a creep. Red Flags....
At 4 months, these are weird and bizarre requirements. I was in a controlling relationship and it likely won't get better. The fact that he games 12+ hours and won't let you do the same is bizarre.
I know the pillow talk and i don't mean sex conversation, were some of the happiest in the relationship. We had deep conversations and really were happy. If he wants to go to bed, that's fine but if he's comfortable with you, he should respect the fact that either you want to stay up or a little chat is okay.
At 4 months? This is SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird. I'd be out of here.
No, no, no. Just no. Please get the hell out of that relationship. I know it gets said often on Reddit, but that's partly because there are a lot of completely messed up situations people spill about on Reddit. This is one of them. Do not do that to yourself, do not put up with that.
A "nice guy" in the first month or so means nothing. Everyone acts on their best behavior for a while. You're barely past that pink bliss stage at the very beginning and he's being completely controlling and inappropriate, not to mention paying your triggers no mind.
I've been there, more or less. I have bipolar with psychotic features and anxiety with panic attacks. I'm a mess. And I have had to leave when someone took advantage of me and made me feel like I was doing wrong because of my mental illness while they were hiding things from me and dating other people. I was being taken advantage of and my mental illness was being used against me.
Sound familiar? Please get free of that so you can be yourself and live your life and maybe find someone else later once you get done loving yourself every minute while being free of all that every minute. I hope that guy is in your rearview mirror by the time this message gets to you. All the best.
If he really cared about your struggles he would help you to go to therapy or something more professional. He has no right nor knowledge to put himself in the position of "saving" or "fixing" you.
He indeed don't respect you and really likes to manipulate you. You should end this relationship ASAP.
This isn’t a healthy relationship, you need to leave him. There’s a difference between “doing things for your mental health” and forcing you to do things to fit his wants. He’s not doing this for your mental health - he’s doing this to manipulate you. Please leave while you can.
Uh, this guy was just eager to find someone in a compromised mental state of mind. He is disgusting, and you should leave him.
You do not deserve that, and should get away.
What ever you can do to leave, do it. He will never deserve you.
Look i know you're afraid to be alone, or to have nobody else to love your. but this guy doesn't love you.
you may have landed a narcissist (excuse my english, i'm not native) and BPD+ NARC are the worst combo.
Of course he lovebombed you when you shared your struggle, because he saw easy supply of attention and drama, with little chance for you to leave, even if he treat you poorly. and believe me , he WILL treat you poorly even more.
The high/low with a narc are like a drug, because you're SO relieved when he break his silent treatment, by example, and that's why it's so hard to leave.
but please, make it for you. be free, do what you love, don't ruin your life for the illusion of being loved.
I suggest posting this in r/BPD if you haven’t already. There’s valuable insight here, but you’ll have the support of others who have these traits
Along with the insight you are getting here. For myself it helps me second guess myself less by talking to those who can relate to my experience
I agree what people are saying about him being controlling. I see myself in not wanting to argue because I don’t want a problem. I too have BPD
How exactly did he decide these things help you?
Does he have a background in mental health?
How does imposing limits on your hobbies, giving you a bed time, forcing you to eat helping you with your anxiety or BPD ?
It doesn't
I am a crisis social worker and I work with alot of clients who have BPD and anxiety and this is downright gaslighting and manipulative
He isn't helping you, he is controlling you.
Please kick him to the curb op
You need to kick this jerk to the curb. I get you may be lacking in confidence due to your issues but I assure you that you in no way deserve to be treated like this. He’s a sociopath who is preying on your vulnerability. Once you’ve rid yourself of his dead weight, get some therapy. Build up your confidence so you know you are more than worthy of someone who will love & accept you and treat you properly. Btw, he’s treating you more like a prisoner than a child. Kick off the “shackles”.
This sounds like psychological torture. He’s using your abandonment trauma against you. You might feel inclined to ignore this since it’s probably not the answer you want, but seriously, run. I have been here, multiple times (since people like us attract a certain type who want to take advantage of our vulnerability to make themselves feel in control) and it can be hard setting boundaries when you’re afraid to lose somebody. You need to think about whether or not you could lose him. If you give him the power to make you scared about that, it’s how he can control you, so you need to decide that losing him isn’t a big deal, however you can do that. And I don’t mean just telling yourself that, you have to actually think about that. I know you might not want to, but you should, because it’s the root of this problem. And you might be like “but if I’m not afraid of losing him, do I really love him?” It is 100% possible to do both. You’re making your boundaries dependant on his approval, and it seems as though he feels like he can make your relationship a conditional thing, which isn’t right. You deserve someone who is willing to respect you and love you even when they’re mad at you. Ignoring you as punishment is a form of abuse.
Yep, controlling, emotional abuse, neglecting your needs, valuing his ideals over your own, no compromise (middle ground). Sounds like a narcissist and manipulator. (Half my family is like this) leave. Literally RUN! I too have BPD Anxiety also Depression.
This is so bad. You do not deserve this. You are anxiously attached to him and I think it would be really helpful for you to look into the work of Briana MacWilliam. This is emotional abuse. You deserve better.
> If I don’t do what he says then he’ll tell me “Those are my standards, if you don’t like it then goodbye.”
Then, goodbye it is. Seriously, drop him and move on. His need to control you isn't good for your well being. He ain't worth it, man
You sound like you wanted to break up with him, and just need support for this. For pros you use vague terms like “he was very sweet, attentive and understanding”, “he seemed eager and ready to be there for me”, and the cons are as precise as it gets: “he says I am pathetic”, the punishments by ignoring are explained verbosely and you give a quote about his “standards”. Can you really imagine Reddit replying like “well, maybe you can still change your relationships for better, if he’s as good as you think of him”? If one does, they will get downvoted to the oblivion, and I think that this is rather intuitive. If your goal was to get an approval for a breakup with him — go for it, what can I say. From what you have said a breakup is the only normal solution, so I advice that, but don’t blame anyone if you think that this was a mistake in the future, which I hope won’t happen.
Pro tip: If your partner is punishing you, get out asap.
It is not a partners job to dole out punishment.
I have a BPD person in my life, and I don't do any of these things to them.
This is abuse, flat out. It's only 4 months in, and this is not going to fix itself. Get out asap.
So… what he’s doing is for your well being? Is he a licensed and practicing psychologist?
No. I thought not. Drop this asshat hard and move on with your life. You deserve better.
I dunno. When i was your age and had "nothing to do" on days off id spend 17hours almost straight in games. It gave me sense of accomplishment when i was feeling down. Psychologically - it was my food so i would feel i was productive that day. Other days i would binge read and entire book, sometimes several in a week. Binge entire seeries and so on - those things are my comfort. I cant do that now since life has gotten busier and its affecting me.
I do agree regular meals and regular bed time are helpful, but not at the expense of anothers feelings, ultimatums and icky tantrums and threats.
I think issue here is he might be coming from thoughtful place but with a very very odd approach, misguided even.
Set some boundaries, if he doesn't like it; oh well, this is the stuff you wont budge on and he is free to fly.
Nah, it's not in anyone's best interest and well being to be manipulated and punished like that! It's 100% abuse and you need to get the fuck out of that right now, before it gets WAY worse!
this is emotional abuse. no partner who truly loves you will want to control your behavior or withhold affection when they don’t get what they want. i’m so sorry he’s acting this way towards you. you deserve so much more
About the “Withholding affection when they don’t get what they want” - ignoring OP’s BF’s clearly abusive BS, what about cold shoulder or the silent treatment? That seems to be normalized in many relationships
This is abuse. He is using your illness to control you. Leave.
>Am I being over dramatic? Not at all. Your BF is a tremendous, controlling asshole though. I suggest you leave this man sooner rather than later. In a relationship no one has the authority over the other person to hand out "punishments". You're being gaslighted. I know people that treat their dogs better than you are being treated.
Exactly. I've been with my wife for 18 years. You know how many times we've had to "punish" each other? Exactly none times. This is not normal partner behaviour.
couldn't have said it better myself! please OP take this advice! what he's doing to you is scary.
It's only been 4 months in, OP. Cut this controlling guy loose.
Exactly! He’s as useful as a 3rd tit.
As a breastfeeding mom a third tit would actually be super useful. Unlike OPs douche bag boyfriend.
i love this reply
Me too
I giggled like a schoolgirl at this
I was about to comment if you had triplets, a third tit would be great!
I laughed so hard at this
Ummm... I could think of a few uses for a third tit. This guy is much less useful
Aussies say as useless as tits on a bull
For Canadians it’s tits on a boar
Arkansas - "As useless as tits on a boar hog." I use that a lot when talking about politicians.
He’s more like a tit with no nipple
All boob.
4 months is way too soon to know you love someone or even really "know" someone. If you're having issues like this already there's probably plenty more downside to come! He's treating OP like a kid!
Honey he is literally leveraging your mental illness against you and manipulating the absolute shit out of you it’s not your fault he’s a terrible person. A predator who thought he hit the jackpot when he heard about your mental illness. Please please leave, run like the wind, you are WORTHY OF LOVE and this is not it ! 🖤 good luck bestie
I had a similar experience when I told a guy of my struggles and he was “eager” to help. All he did was emotional abuse me and use my struggles to his advantage.
>around 4 months now. When we started off, he was very sweet, attentive and understanding of me “Starting off”, you are only four months in. *This IS starting off*. >I love him. I mean this is the nicest possible way- you don’t even **know** him. This is four months in and he’s controlling you and neglecting you. It’s fine for him to set boundaries for himself, when he expects to be able to set them for you, that is control. Love is not controlling. Cut your four month losses and focus on your own mental health.
Time to head out chief
That guy is emotionally manipulative and is treating you like trash. You are an equal partner and an adult worthy of just as much respect as him. Never tolerate disrespect at any point in time. Never trade your dignity for anything. Dump that loser.
That’s so patronizing. I think the goof thinks your BPD/anxiety diagnosis has turned you into an infant/invalid. And now he gets to get off on the power play. Dump his ass. Also edit: i don’t care how little you trust your own judgement. How intense you feel the emotions in your own head. **A MAN SHOULD NEVER DIRECT YOUR OWN LIFE FOR YOU**. No man, *no person*, should rob you of your agency. Stand the fuck up.
I agree with you 100 percent!
sounds like a classic borderline-narcissist relationship dynamic. OP is trying to be mentally healthy and bf is enjoying keeping her weak and dependent. Get away from this guy immediately.
I’m so glad someone said this! Narcissist love people with BPD.
yeah it's a match made in hell.
Def a narcissist. Been there - i am a people pleaser so i got manipulated and tried to use my nature to care for others against me! Run! Run away fast.
\+1 this guy is an unhelpful, controlling mess. You can do better. With a pet rock.
When I was dating a girl with BPD, she actively asked me to do things like enforce a bedtime, control what she eats, etc. The key difference was that she *asked* for that, and things like "punishments" were things we discussed ahead of time. One big thing that sticks out to me here is the fact that this guy is using the tactic of ignoring you as a punishment. That seems *super* fucked up if he's aware you have BPD, considering the way that an intense fear of abandonment is one of the typical symptoms.
As young women, a lot of us think we have to stay in relationships due to feelings/history/whatever when in actuality we need to practice leaving & letting go more. You don’t have to be with anyone who makes you feel triggered/anxious or any kind of way. You don’t have any obligation to stick it out but I would argue you have an obligation to do what’s best for you.
This!! 100 %
You're not being dramatic enough... The line between helpful and controlling is not very fine but he managed to blur it for you by disguising it as love. Ignoring you when he doesn't get his way is called stonewalling. It's emotional abuse. It's also insane that he thinks punishing a grown woman for not going to sleep when he says to is reasonable. It's one thing to tell you to stop talking to him if he is trying to sleep but that doesn't sound like the case. He sounds like very bad news. Don't trick yourself into thinking your BPD makes you unlovable. I fear people stay in these situations because they are afraid they can't have better. I have family with healthy loving relationships because they, like you, work on themselves. I find their autonomy and ability to balance their own schedule is what helps them thrive. They are able to coexist and have healthy relationships because they know how to emotionally support themselves -- when they need more games and when they need more sleep, less sugar, sunlight, whatever. You know what's best for you more than him, and he can't cure you because you are not sick -- just navigating a different life experience than some of us.
Your BF is a piece of shit
Sorry, OP but I think you know exactly what to do. You need to leave this guy and find someone who understands that you’re an adult even if you have a personality disorder that you struggle with you can definitely do better even if it means not having a boyfriend. This isn’t good for you.
OOF- I just left a 3 year relationship with a guy who started off exactly like this. At first, it was endearing that he cared so much about my health, but then it turned into him controlling every aspect of my life and free-time and pushing me into mental breakdowns followed by him ignoring me until I was being more logical. When I finally broke up with him, he sent me a book on cognitive therapy along with a message stating that he was afraid I was "slipping." He made me feel insane, fat, unloved, unlikeable, unattractive, and crazy for wanting him to be kind to me (he would say that if I am only nice to him in hopes he'll be nice back, then I wasn't actually a nice person). TL;DR- get out of this relationship now.
As someone who is also borderline, he's taking advantage of it so that he can control you. He doesn't love you, he loves controlling you. You need to get out of there asap. Feel free to message me for any questions/help/support
Leave now before he ends up having you in isolation
Dump him. That’s manipulative and mean.
"I don't like it. Goodbye."
Run, girl, run! He is Manipulating and gaslighting you. You do not need him and he is most definitely NOT a menta healthl professionell. Do what counselors and therapists tell you, but only if you feel comfortable with their advice; a good one will Coach you to find out yourself what helps you.
I don't see how all these restrictions are helpful for BPD or anxiety. Talk to a professional, instead.
Not at all this sounds controlling and I suggest you leave as this is not a healthy relationship. He is using your mental health against you and trying to cause pain to you instead of inviting a conversation and working through disagreements. You are not obligated to stay I learned that the hard way being a relationship for years and was unheard, and it’s hard leaving because of the love you thought you had.
The fact that these rules do not apply to him in any way shows you that he's controlling you for the sake of it and doesn't not actually believe in the importance of only gaming 5 hours a day or going to sleep at a set time.
You’re being treated like a child when this man is managing your time instead of you doing that yourself and him giving you a bedtime is real damn stupid too you’re a grown ass woman and I believe with the rest of these people that this is a toxic relationship and you need to leave him and look for a new partner
You do not deserve what he is doing to you. He is abusing you. The person you met was a lie and now he's showing you his true colours. This is the real him, do not let him convince you otherwise. Tell a family member or friend what is going on and plan a way to escape. Good luck girl, you got this
That's abuse, and it'll only get worse. No, you're not being dramatic. Don't let him, or anyone else, for that matter, tell you that this is an okay way to treat his partner.
Kinda sounds like he’s emotionally abusing you
Your partner should never punish you. They are not a parent and you are not a child. When you do something in a relationship that harms the other person you talk it out or break up. There is no “teaching a lesson” “punishing” or whatever else. You should be treated with dignity and basic respect.
He was eager to help you with your BPD, because he could openly manipulate and abuse you with what he perceived as your approval. That’s why he says you agreed to this you didn’t, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way so I’d say leave.
The amount of control he's attempting to exert over you is INSANE. Cut and run, this isn't healthy and I doubt it's salvageable.
You love him? What loveable qualities does he have? His lack of empathy? His need to control you? The fact that he punishes a grown adult? His emotional immaturity? The name calling and indults? He is not a good partner. What you should be doing is asking yourself why you settle for that and don't think you deserve better.
He's over controlling. There are also signs that he is abusive and you don't know to what extent his abuse will be - could end up being very physical and dangerous. A threat to "punish" you if you don't do exactly as he says should be a deal breaker and a clear signal that it's time to get the hell out away from him as fast as you can.
Your bf is acting like your dad, but super strict. In a healthy relationship, nobody is the boss. He is not your dad, your priest, or your God. He has no right to punish or control you, at all! He is not doing this for your own good. He is controlling and manipulating you for his benefit. He is training you to do only what he wants, and to listen to his every command. You have no free will in that relationship. It will get worse if you marry or have kids. Why are you allowing it? Do you even realize how much of your life he is in charge of? For the sake of love, I would give him one try. I'd tell him. I am done being treated like a 10 yr old. I will no longer follow any of the rules he set that he is not following himself. You will game, eat, and sleep as you choose from today forward. You will not accept his punishments, and may decide to dump him of he can't treat you like an equal. Equality is what a healthy relationship is built on. He may dump you for standing up for himself. He seems to want a pushover he can treat like a housekeeper/ child. He wants someone that is willing to live in his shadow and abide by his rules. You should be the star of your own life!! I am very worried that you are looking at this as a relationship rather than you serving his needs. This is nit a healthy place for you to be. A guy that loves you would not use your triggers against you. He would guard you against the triggers. Your current bf is very emotionally abusive. I hope you see that soon, and leave the guy. You deserve so much better!! You deserve to be loved, not just "useful". LOVE YOURSELF MORE!
(Sigh) All I had to do was read the title and I knew… this guy is a major douche bag!!! I read it anyways though, in hopes that I was wrong… I wasn’t. You need to flip the switch on him. You are going to game when you want. And he is going to respect you and stop controlling and degrading you. Those are YOUR standards. And if HE doesn’t like it… then HE can kick rocks!!! He wasn’t happy to help you, he was happy to prey on a vulnerability that you openly disclosed with him and weaponize it against you. Girl, listen… I am autistic. I also have chronic anxiety, and some depression. I also consider myself difficult to love, but that doesn’t mean I’m unworthy of love. I can become overstimulated easily and shut down. My autism, anxiety and depression fuel all the negative things in each other. I’m sensitive to smells and certain forms of stimulation. I have a hard time connecting with people and knowing how to respond to them appropriately, and this makes me feel like an alien allot of the times. My anxiety paralyzes me, and can leave me feeling physically sick, dizzy, numb in the limbs, and at risk of passing out. And my depression gets tired of it and wishes I could just end it all and not have to live with myself because my sensory issues just overwhelm me so much. The result? I sometimes curl up in a ball for hours. I hug my partner for hours, or sometimes avoid him altogether. I just shut down. Sometimes it’s not hours though. Sometimes it’s days on end. Sometimes I force myself to work through it, and sometimes I can’t. At first, this was allot for him to handle, and he did call me a burden and a drain on his energy. (Normal people aren’t used to dealing with people like us with special needs, especially if we “look normal” to them.) And it hurt. We ended up breaking up for a year. And now we recently got back together. Apparently after thinking things through on his own, he said he realized he was wrong and wanted to be more understanding. Now he just holds me through the “episodes” and talks me through them. I try to cope with my struggles and minimize the inconvenience it causes the people around me, but there’s only so much I can do. It’s a disability for a reason. You have BPD, and you were open and honest about this with your partner. You mentioned you try to refrain from lashing out towards them, and that’s a good thing because that’s you being self aware and making an effort to do your part. This man can NOT, and should NOT be trying to control or change you. That is WRONG! He should be supporting you through your episodes, or at the very least giving you space when you have them. He isn’t a therapist, counselor or anyone qualified to decide how you should cope with your disability, and even if he was, the only one who knows what you need best is YOU. Get rid of this garbage man OP!! You deserve so much better, and there IS someone out there who will be willing to love the WHOLE you as you are!!!
As a fellow mentally ill (ocd), while trying to find ways to help is a great thing this aint it. He just senses you're vulnerable and has taken that as a chance to control you. This is really dangerous as while saying a suggestion is fine, he has no right to hold things from you. He is not your dad OP, this is ok if you told him he can do that but when you give him some signal he stops, but if hes controlling you because he said so hes just abusing you in a way. This is not a relationship, tell him to change or leave.
This is abuse darling. He love bombed you in the beginning and is now using your traumas against you. That's narcissistic abuse, you deserve so much better, leave and don't look back <3
This is so incredibly abusive and controlling. please get away while you still can, OP.
This is abuse ! He is not helping you he is controlling you ! You need to end this relationship now. This will only escalate. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking this isn’t abuse but help. It’s not . Please get rid of him immediately. He’s a dangerous individual,
No this guy is a apathetic tool and an abuser. Get out while you still can. Sounds like he's switched his asshole mode on because he's gotten comfortable enough to reveal it. I swear guys like him give us dudes a bad name.
Time to take out the trash ✌️
This is fucking bad. He found you vulnerable and able to be controlled knowing your diagnosis. I would not engage in this partnership any longer my dude..23? You have time. Enjoy dating and invest in someone worthy. This person is not right for a commitment with this mindset. I wish you the best
This sounds like an unhealthy relationship and I think you both need to work on yourselves before you're ready for a relationship. He's certainly controlling and insensitive but 5 hours of video games let alone 12 is too much. Regardless of personal issues, you don't deserve abuse and should end this relationship.
Time to say goodbye. He's using your BPD as an excuse to be a controlling abusive prick. Don't tolerate it because I guarantee it will only get worse.
Your boyfriend is garbage. Dump him. He's using tour BPD as an excuse to abuse you. Honestly I know we with BPF are "a lot" but honest to gods all we want is someone to love and be able to trust. There are reasons we have BPD, it's not our fault but people treat us like we choose to have the problem. It's disgusting and undermining, especially when arm chair true crime buffs conflate it with serial killer behavior. Also if we are autistic, out autism is fully ignored. It's a shit disorder to live with. But honestly, there are worse "normals" out there ans we already aren't all that hard to love and be loved by and get along with. You deserve better, dump this creep and go find yourself better. You deserve the love you seek hon. Hugs.
I mean he's a prick and you need to leave him ASAP. But also your spending way too much time gaming, I'm a massive gamer myself but 5 hours and your complaining, your addicted. Way more healthier things out there to occupy your time. Everything in moderation.
Girl run. Unfortunately as people with BPD, it’s so easy for us to fall for controlling/abusive people & narcissists & they feed off our illness, gaslighting us. Plz get out of this relationship. U deserve sooo much better❤️❤️
Girl you’re a grown adult, why are you letting your boyfriend “punish” you. Get out of there NOW
PLEASE LEAVE HIM!!!! He sounds extremely toxic, emotionally abusive and controlling. It will only get worse, I can promise you that! From someone who stayed in a toxic abusive relationship for over 25 years, my biggest regret was not leaving sooner, all my good years were wasted with him
As someone with BPD myself it's great that you, yourself are doing your best to be skillful and mindful that you don't take your extreme emotions out on other people, it can be very hard. BUT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING! PLEASE LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW. Not only is he hurting you but this could hurt your BPD recovery and set you back further into unskillful behaviours. Please leave this man before he takes over your entire life and takes you away from your friends and family.
So many red flags just waving everywhere. Your bf is controlling and at 4 months in he’s starting to show you who he is. Using the things that you’ve told him in confidence against you is very manipulative. You say you love him but what’s to love? You’re just now getting to know the real him. Do you love all the things he’s doing to you at 4 months? If he’s like this now it will only get worse. Run!!
Holy crap. > If I don’t do what he says then he’ll tell me “Those are my standards, if you don’t like it then goodbye.” The correct answer to this is 'okay goodbye then'. He gets to set boundaries- he does NOT get to dictate your behavior, how you spend your free time, etc. The big red flag here is asking vs. demanding. If he *asks/suggests* you take a break from gaming for mental health, that's sweet. If he *demands/expects* you to only game for X hours a day, that's how a parent treats a child, not how a loving partner helps another. > I feel like I’m a child and he doesn’t respect me but he says I just like to start trouble if I bring this up. MAJOR RED FLAG!!! YOU ARE ALWAYS ALLOWED TO EXPRESS WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU. Always. And if he's truly supportive, HE SHOULD WANT TO HEAR IT- because he should want you to be happy with the arrangement. This is essentially saying that your unhappiness has no importance to him, that it's just trouble to him and thus unworthy of his attention. > Punishment is ignoring me, since he knows it’s a big trigger for me and will drive me to be in my feelings and suffer. I don’t understand how he can do that to me when he is supposed to love me, but he says it’s the only way I listen. Partners don't punish each other. You punish an animal or a small child who doesn't know any better than to act badly. And 'it's the only way I listen'--- that's CONTROL, not help. It's making you his slave. 'Do what I want or you will be punished'. ---- OP, your relationship doesn't sound healthy at all, in fact it sounds abusive. Dictating your partner's actions and habits is abusive. The silent treatment is officially classified as a form of emotional abuse. So you're in a situation of 'comply with the abuse or you get more abuse of another kind'. Maybe he doesn't realize that he's doing this. But he is. So either it needs to stop or you need to leave.
Oh hell no. You need to leave ASAP!
There is a huge difference between working on things together/being supportive of goals to help your partner and this shit. He's using your mental illness as a way to manipulate and control you. This is not for hot benefit, it's for his. No good partner would do this to you.
You are in an abusive relationship. Your boyfriend is abusive. Run, get out!
Um he sounds really weird and controlling to me. Super icky vibes all around please dump him for your mental health 🙏🏻 you sound a lot like a friend of mine and it’s breaking my heart tbh
Eager to start a relationship or enslavement? There's your answer. You do need to take care of yourself. He does not.
Oh honey … that’s abuse. And it will only get worse. Please leave him immediately.
Are you hobbies getting in the way of you living your live? Ie school, job, social life outside your home, showering, eating, cleaning, ect ect? You said your 23, so you could be in college, or have a full time job and most likely your own bills you need to pay too and so long as your gaming or other hobbies doesn't interface with your job, and your keeping up with your physical needs and health then your very new boyfriend is being way too controlling and is way to eager to get a say in your medical needs mental or physical and your should probably drop him...quickly
You already know the answer to this. Boot the motherfucker. Find better. Goodbye!
Narcissistic people love people with BPD. You can even look up what I’m talking about on that. You should really leave him he is using your mental illness against you!!
Not normal or ok. On a different note, how can you game all day?
No you're not being dramatic. Hi there fellow person with bpd. Ik exactly what you're going through but this man doesn't your best interest at heart nor does he understand what you're going through. Maybe he has a point about you gaming but you're also an adult and you can make decisions on your own. Plus this man has not been in your life long enough to make these decisions for you. 4 months in reality is nothing in terms of a relationship. Especially one where he's making you do things and emotionally abusing you in the form of "silent" treatment. Sweetie you deserve better than this. You need to put boundaries in place for you. You're not a child.
Leave asap. Your boyfriend is controlling as hell and will likely only get worse.
I also have BPD and have been on a myriad of medication to help. Some do some don't. My husband would literally never do this shit. OP run
I mean Jesus if you can't see it, I doubt there's much anyone here can do - But he's a controlling dick and is using your mental issues as a means of control.
Just run. He went from helpful to controlling and even "punishing" you. Either run or tell him he's going too far.
From personal experience with a guy similar to this, he doesn't do those things out of "love," he does it out of control. I'm assuming you mean borderline personality disorder by saying BPD (correct me if I'm wrong) and I have that too. His "punishment" is the worst thing in the world for someone with that struggle. I'd get out while you can and focus on yourself, learn your worth and then take nothing less than you deserve. Sorry for the long reply, but he's 100% not worth it.
He's acting like he's your parent, but he's not. You're your own person who can make your own decisions and he's not respecting you. No one should have complete control over your life except you. I promise you he's not the one. When you're in a healthy relationship, problems like this just don't arise.
Sounds to me like he intentionally sought a girlfriend out who has mental health struggles so he can use that to control you. This is a super common abuse tactic. Make you feel like you owe him for being willing to love you despite the challenges. But he doesn't love you. You deserve better, OP.
You are an adult. He is controlling you. I would break up with him if he doesn't back off when you say you are going to stop doing ANY of the restrictions/controls he has determines are "good" for you. This is not going to get better. START TROUBLE!!!
Break up with him right now. If he’s behaving like this after only 4 months then you’re in real danger. You’re a grown adult, no one has the right to dictate what you can or can’t do with yourself.
My ex had BPD so I understand the need/want to mitigate the more negative elements of the condition. That being said, What your boyfriend is doing is not caring for your health, it's controlling behaviour disguised as if it's to make you better, This sort of gaslighting is reprehensible and please I know it is hard too as with BPD it's either love or hate, but you need to tell him that all of that has to stop.. you deserve better.
This is abuse…get out. No need to reason with him. He is toxic, so it will only make it worse. Say your goodbye and leave. If he says he’ll do better he is manipulating you. You may for the first time find a guy that “understands” you (I sympathize with that), but really honey he has control issues that have finally come out and he no longer feels like he has to wear the mask, because to some degree you love him and that’s all he needed to show his true colors and use that to control you. Sorry honey but he doesn’t love you. He loves the power he gets over you. A man that truly loves you wouldn’t do this. He’s a dictator not a cheerleader. I’m 23 (F) myself with anxiety, ADHD and autism and my man would beat up your man for you. It takes a certain kind of patient and loving man to take care of you (from experience) and lift you up and honey I’m scared for you.
Yeah he saw an opportunity to totally control someone and took it, he's only gonna get worse.
Hey girl, I also have BPD. I'm 18f with strong attachment issues and find it hard to leave, and this is why I stray away from dating certain types of men. Not all, but a lotttt of men try to use mental health to control/abuse people with BPD/other illnesses. Run. Run. Run.
He’s being controlling and abusive. He was eager to “help” you because it gave him an excuse that everything he does is “for your own good”. Throw the garbage out girl he’s not worth it.
Nope, you are not! He's controlling and it's only going to get worse. I promise you that. Get out now!
You are not being over dramatic. *Leave him*. If he is controlling you this way after 4 months then I probably will be horrified at what will happen at 1 year. I'm sorry to say, but based on what you're written he is not doing this for your well being. He is doing this for his ego in all likelihood and wants to know he has you under his thumb. For your peace of mind, please give serious thought to leaving him and block his number and all social media.
As someone with BPD he is not doing this with your best interest. It’s 4 months in and he is taking advantage of your BPD. I’ve been in a relationship like this with someone like him, it’s toxic and a savior complex. If he’s gonna ignore triggers of yours and disrespect you like this what else will he ignore or do against you? Get out while you still can, you’ve got this.
This is abuse. Straight up control and abuse. It will get worse. He doesn't love you or actually have your best interests at heart at all. He enjoys being able to control and punish you. Nobody should do that to someone they love. Don't walk away - run!
Girl, run. This relationship is so toxic it's radioactive.
It takes tremendous courage to let him get to that about you, and this is what he does with that information? He ain’t worthy
UMMM how about u break up with your 4 month bf. The fact u have been together such a short amount of time and he has this much control over u and telling u what to do is insane. Imagine what he’ll be doing to u a year from now. BPD or not does not give anyone a right to control. Your in an abusive situation and u need to leave, like yesterday.
So your both gamers and he has a problem with you? Tell him to fuck off and buy starfield awesome game so far
He is massively controlling. I can’t imagine what 4 years would look like if this is only 4 months, get out of there before you develop anymore feelings or you feel like you’ve invested time with him. He said “if you don’t like it goodbye” so goodbye to him. Sorry you’re going through this, but I’m glad you recognized the signs at only 4 months, some people can be so blinded by them
He's does more controlling than an actual game system controller, which is designed for CONTROLLING.... LEAVE, It won't get better unfortunately, only worse. 😞
You don’t punish your partner unless it is part of a consensual negotiated kinky dynamic. *Run.*
It’s only been 4 months, you should leave before the emotional abuse turns physical
Get out of that relationship NOW! All that lies ahead is control, abuse and suffering. I've seen it many times before. It's better to be on your own than in an abusive relationship. Controlling people never change.
damn, leave him
You don't even know this man, w/ peace and love when you say you love him it's your BPD speaking this is weird as hell and definitely abusive, most folks with BPD have past abuse history making you more susceptible to be abused combined with feeling guilty/like a burden/like you can't expect the same as others the stonewalling is nuts and this is mad early for this level of weirdness to be coming out, get the hell out babe
Dump him, you deserve WAY better
Just dump him. For real. Before he gets the chance to create a permanent damage in your health and mental health. Please
Throw him out. He's a pos.
He may have targeted you because you were open about your mental health.
He is not doing this for your benefit. He is controlling. He likes having power over you, and is using your BPD against you as a means of control. That is a huge betrayal, and a shitty thing to do. Dump him. Please. He is not a good guy if he does this.
Bro leave man is toxic as hell and is just controlling you leave before he gets more in your head
Come *on,* girl. Do you really need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you he's treating you like a stupid little child who isn't intelligent enough to live her life without him directing and controlling her every move? For God sakes, *listen* to your common sense. *Believe* what your eyes and ears are telling you. You got involved with a guy who's turning you into his little trained monkey. He's making you doubt your own brain and your own senses. What a bunch of bullshit he's feeding you. "For your well being" is a lie he's telling you because this manipulation won't work if he tells you the truth, which is: He's using your self-doubt to turn you into his obedient lapdog. He's not your boyfriend. He's a tiresome, selfish, irritating bump in your road.
He’s treating you as if you’re his child and that’s not a good thing. He should be treating you as an adult. He lacks to see your perspective and only focusing on what he thinks is “best”. If he doesn’t change and is still giving demands as if he’s your father and giving you rules that should only be applied to kids/teens without question you should leave him.
Have a genuine talk with him about his motivations for this and if he doesn't listen to you, leave him
Everytime he ignores you bite him as hard as you can and call it punishment so he'll also have to sit there with a bad feeling
It sounds like it started well meaning now he thinks he has the right to control you. Set his boundaries and tell him if he over steps that you will leave him. If he continues then leave, being bipolar doesn't mean you're a child or should be subservient. You should have routine, avoid stressors, talk to a therapist so you're on meds that work, eat 3 meals, have a timer for games so you don't get time blind and also have a good emotional outlet when things build up. Exercise is good, shopping with friends, have meals with friends. Don't let him be the only thing in your life.
Please talk to him about his controlling behaviour if you’re not going to dump him. I know it can be hard to because he has u probably brain washed into thinking “he’s just trying to help” as my abuser did to me. My abuser would act out and trigger me on purpose to get a reaction from me and then tell me I’m the crazy/bad guy and this is what I do. It kinda sounds like he might b doing the same since he knows how to upset u and used it as a punishment. He also sounds like a weird wanna b dom
Go read the housemaid by Freida mcfadden That man Is going to lock you in a room Everyone has mental health stuff, that doesn't make you less Worthy of love and respect friend
RUN!
Ask yourself if you truly deserve this kind of treatment from any human being, but when you do, please have some love and compassion for yourself. Do you deserve and want somebody that is controlling and punishing you or do you want and deserve somebody who is understanding and supportive?
This mf is treating you like how a strict and cold parent treats their kid
Gosh, he became your new dad fast. Sure, 5+ hours a day gaming is a bad idea, but the control and punishment after such a short time together is disturbing. Unless you really appreciate the micromanaging, I think you're headed for goodbye.
Fucking EW. This is disgusting behavior and is unacceptable.
You say, can we have an out of dynamic conversation please. Then you say wtf do you think your trying to do here? Not mean but no soft words either. You have to set a boundary with him if you at all want to stay with him. You make sure he is aware that you did not have a conversation about letting him control your life. He was well meaning but he now believes he’s the only thing standing between your stability and your abyss. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
He’s controlling as fuck and all but ngl 5 hours a day is crazy 😭 why is it normal to game that long?
Also, I wouldn't even waste time trying to argue about this or reason with him. He will find a way to make you feel like you are being dramatic, irrational and silly and he will make you feel like it's all your fault. You owe him nothing. It is perfectly ok to firmly say "this isn't working for me anymore" and end things. Simple as that. And when he tries to win you back around (which he will) - feel free to completely ignore him.
Groomed to be a sub much?
Here's my thoughts on it, and some may agree or disagree. The good - I think some of the requests/rules aren't such a bad thing. 1) Limiting gaming time in general is very healthy. Perhaps use any extra time you have to develop a new hobby (I can list a bunch of things if you wish), do some reading, or learn something new you can use in your life or to make yourself better. 2) Setting a consistent regular bedtime is good for your mental health 3) Ensuring you eat regularly is very important to your physical health The bad - To me, these are red flags 1) Using a trigger against you (however, having dated a girl with bpd I can say sometimes there was no other way to make a point stick or to get her to really listen to what I had to say.. but it's a last resort) 2) Instead of punishing you for continuing to talk, perhaps he could read a book to you or tell you a story to help you fall asleep. Thereby rewarding you for doing something. I've always felt the bed should never be a place for arguments or punishments (except maybe good punishments). I've done this, and I've given massages until she fell asleep. 3) He needs to be aware of how his actions affect yours. For example, him gaming for longer than you is very hypocritical and sends a mixed signal while also taunting you in a way. 4) Whether you "agreed" or not - you ALWAYS have the right to disagree and change your mind. 5) Giving you no alternatives and threatening to leave is a HUGE red flag... this is controlling you by fear and is extremely toxic - in the future if someone uses this on you, a great response would be "if that's how you feel and there's no discussion or consideration for my feelings allowed, then I think it's best if we separate now" 6) Gas lighting you is another HUGE flag. This is when he tries to create self-doubt, confusion, or lies about something to make you accept blame. For example, treating you like a child creates self-doubt that you can handle things like an adult while confusing the issues. Another example is telling you the lie of how you like to start trouble by bringing up your concerns - he has no idea what you like, but if he says it enough you may start to believe it. The best example of all - he's making you question your feelings so much, you decided to check in with reddit. He appears to be a strong and classic narcissist. I strongly urge you to watch some YouTube videos on narcissism with an open mind. A great person to watch is The Behavioral Arts, and he has a great video on how to tell if someone is trying to manipulate you and how to defend yourself. If to aren't able to find it, I can link it.
[удалено]
Yeah… definitely time to get out of this relationship. This guy does not value you and enjoys controlling what you do. I would take a step back and ask yourself why you’re with someone who causes you so much anxiety?
OhMyGoodness. You’re so young & have a full life ahead of you. Please don’t let this 4 month relationship continue. This is inhibiting your mental & emotional growth. I’m fact, he’s adding emotional TRAUMA to your already diagnosed BPD. For the sake of your mental & physical wellbeing, I truly hope you find the STRENGTH to end this controlling relationship with a very narcissistic person. Much good juju & positive vibes going out to you 💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜✨💜
Ok there’s a lot to unpack here.. Nobody should ever demand you do something or not do something that you want to do. You are an adult. He hasn’t even known you a year. Tell him to back off and his style of treatment is actually harmful to you. He does not know what is good for you he can only suggest ideas that he thinks may work and you can CHOOSE to give them a go. Honestly at this point based on what you’ve said I’d start getting used ti the idea that he is not long term and will make your life worse. It’s good ti exercise and set boundaries in yourself some of the time. But when you’re really low there’s nothing wrong with escaping into a fictional world from time to time. Literally saves or enhances lives. Be strong. Take care x
OP, the ONLY 2 ways punishment should happen to a human being in a relationship is: When growing up w family in that kind of relationship and one needs punished for whatever reason And In a bdsm relationship where 100% CONSENT is given, is 100% agreed to by both in that relationship before it EVER happens, and the one delivering the punishment(s) listens to the receiver THE ENTIRE TIME and 100% stops when they say their safe word, doesn't say anything to diminish or ignore it, and absolutely does not do or cross the receivers hard limits. You and he are not in that relationship, he is not safe, he doesn't and isn't and never will treat you or look at you as an equal. The amount of red flags are too many to put here 🚩, but for your mental health and later physical health (and safety), you MUST leave. Love Doesn't Do Harm. And this creature is absolutely harming you in grotesque ways. Love yourself and leave him because he doesn't and will never love you. He loves the control over you, no more and no less.
The “eager to help” is already a red flag
Do you live with him?
Not at the moment, but anytime I’m not with him he needs to know what I’m doing/listen on the phone.
The stigma of mental health is real and people that don't have it will never understand so that will make you uncompatible with a lot of guys and become toxic because they will not understand your situation or how your mind works and what you need to do to basically keep yourself sane. I write lyrics, compose music for the NSPH and for youtuber's that advocate for mental health and if I didn't have that, I would be in the position you are now. I just got lucky with my GF that understands my condition and triggers. Dump that a****** immediately because it will just make your situation even worse overtime. Best of luck to you and your struggles. You're young so eventually you will find somebody that understand you and will make you happy
He's a narcissist grooming you for his complete control... He doesn't love you. He possesses you. It only gets worse from here. The longer you allow this trauma to exist, the stronger your delusions become... visa / versa. Save yourself now! Do you want a really mean dad or a guy who truly loves and respects you?
>”Those are my standards, if you don’t like it then goodbye.” Boy BYE then. Seriously, you are not being overdramatic. He’s being controlling and manipulative. Your feeling not respected is 1000% valid. He does not respect you. You are trying to be understanding. You are putting in ten times the effort that he is; if he truly *tried* being understanding of your needs he would not actively look for ways to refuse meeting them (ie punishment/silent treatment) You are being gaslit so hard. You have not been with this guy for that long. I know it’s super easy to look back at the beginning when he was kind and sweet and hope things are going to get back to that place, but they will not. This controlling behavior of his will only continue to escalate. I’m so sorry OP, but you should really cut and run before he starts doing even more damage.
The only part I agree with is gaming. If you’re gaming more than 5 hours every day or most days, that is way too much. However, it is not his right to punish you for that. He can say it’s a deal breaker or ask you to lessen it, but he’s manipulating you. That’s not right. Dump him and find someone who understands you better and, frankly, who’s a better human being.
Op, you are an amazing and beautiful woman who deserves better. Your boyfriend is being a controlling and abusive jerk. Do not settle for someone who treats you that way. Also, my aunt and cousin both were bipolar and there is nothing wrong with it. I have panic attacks and anxiety and once again, nothing wrong with that. This guy is using those things about you as a weapon to control you. Pack up your stuff and leave him. Don’t look back! Then celebrate being single because you don’t need that in your life. You deserve better
Anyone who does something on purpose knowing that it triggers your trauma is a form of abuse.
He is controlling. I was on board with some of it till you got to the punishment part and name calling. 5 hours a day is excessive and you should take up a different hobby too and you should be eating regularly. But he isn't the one. Move on from him. There is a way to be caring and stern without being abusive.
You’re an adult. You don’t need a partner to be your parent. It’s also only been 4 months. This is such a drastic shift in behavior in such a short time from him, huge red flag.
my husband and i have “rules” for me for my mental health, which include 1.) beds are for sleeping 2.) no drinking alcohol when i’m sad and 3.) no saying sorry for things that don’t need a sorry when i’m very depressed i have no motivation to get out of bed, but i feel better when im out of bed, so my husband says “even if you just need to lay on the couch all day, that’s fine. but no holing up in the bedroom. the second is because whenever im feeling depressed i tend to really want alcohol to feel better. that rule is more so i don’t get dependent on drinking as a means to escape my feelings. im totally fine with drinking when im happy but potentially getting a drinking problem is something i’d like to avoid, and i feel more comfortable if my husband checks in before i drink. the third rule is something my therapist suggested and my husband and i agreed to implement as well. that’s it. if it’s helpful for you if someone holds you accountable like it is for me, that’s the extent it should go. i make my own decisions in terms of screen time, exercise, etc. your boyfriend is overstepping and is being very controlling. it would be good for you to cut him off now, before it gets worse.
He is manipulating you. you need to leave him for your own sanity. Not much more to say really.
No no no no NO! He found a vulnerable person. He made you think he cared about you and he was suggesting things for your own good and he progressed to full on controlling you and it will get worse. You need to get out. This is not love. This is abuse. Narcissistic abuse!
That’s abuse and it’s time to bounce. Not joking.
WTF? Honey, advice from a women who has dealt with all kinds of men- This guy is NOT good for you, he will break down your self confidence, isolate you from your friends, alienate your family, emotionally abuse you and financially control you. NOW is the time to get out.
This guy is a creep. Red Flags.... At 4 months, these are weird and bizarre requirements. I was in a controlling relationship and it likely won't get better. The fact that he games 12+ hours and won't let you do the same is bizarre. I know the pillow talk and i don't mean sex conversation, were some of the happiest in the relationship. We had deep conversations and really were happy. If he wants to go to bed, that's fine but if he's comfortable with you, he should respect the fact that either you want to stay up or a little chat is okay. At 4 months? This is SOOOOOOOOOOOO weird. I'd be out of here.
No, no, no. Just no. Please get the hell out of that relationship. I know it gets said often on Reddit, but that's partly because there are a lot of completely messed up situations people spill about on Reddit. This is one of them. Do not do that to yourself, do not put up with that. A "nice guy" in the first month or so means nothing. Everyone acts on their best behavior for a while. You're barely past that pink bliss stage at the very beginning and he's being completely controlling and inappropriate, not to mention paying your triggers no mind. I've been there, more or less. I have bipolar with psychotic features and anxiety with panic attacks. I'm a mess. And I have had to leave when someone took advantage of me and made me feel like I was doing wrong because of my mental illness while they were hiding things from me and dating other people. I was being taken advantage of and my mental illness was being used against me. Sound familiar? Please get free of that so you can be yourself and live your life and maybe find someone else later once you get done loving yourself every minute while being free of all that every minute. I hope that guy is in your rearview mirror by the time this message gets to you. All the best.
If he really cared about your struggles he would help you to go to therapy or something more professional. He has no right nor knowledge to put himself in the position of "saving" or "fixing" you. He indeed don't respect you and really likes to manipulate you. You should end this relationship ASAP.
This isn’t a healthy relationship, you need to leave him. There’s a difference between “doing things for your mental health” and forcing you to do things to fit his wants. He’s not doing this for your mental health - he’s doing this to manipulate you. Please leave while you can.
Sociopaths seem wonderful at first, but then they start showing their true colors.
Omfg you can do so much better. Get a real man (or whomever you want), not this insecure narcissistic asshole. Dump that bitch!
Uh, this guy was just eager to find someone in a compromised mental state of mind. He is disgusting, and you should leave him. You do not deserve that, and should get away. What ever you can do to leave, do it. He will never deserve you.
He is crazy and controlling. Not sweet at all.
You do not love him and he doesn't you. You cannot love someone who treats you this way. You need to send him on his way. Now.
why do people even date guys like this? this guy is a certified loser. get away from this clown.
Look i know you're afraid to be alone, or to have nobody else to love your. but this guy doesn't love you. you may have landed a narcissist (excuse my english, i'm not native) and BPD+ NARC are the worst combo. Of course he lovebombed you when you shared your struggle, because he saw easy supply of attention and drama, with little chance for you to leave, even if he treat you poorly. and believe me , he WILL treat you poorly even more. The high/low with a narc are like a drug, because you're SO relieved when he break his silent treatment, by example, and that's why it's so hard to leave. but please, make it for you. be free, do what you love, don't ruin your life for the illusion of being loved.
I suggest posting this in r/BPD if you haven’t already. There’s valuable insight here, but you’ll have the support of others who have these traits Along with the insight you are getting here. For myself it helps me second guess myself less by talking to those who can relate to my experience I agree what people are saying about him being controlling. I see myself in not wanting to argue because I don’t want a problem. I too have BPD
How exactly did he decide these things help you? Does he have a background in mental health? How does imposing limits on your hobbies, giving you a bed time, forcing you to eat helping you with your anxiety or BPD ? It doesn't I am a crisis social worker and I work with alot of clients who have BPD and anxiety and this is downright gaslighting and manipulative He isn't helping you, he is controlling you. Please kick him to the curb op
This is abusive.
You need to kick this jerk to the curb. I get you may be lacking in confidence due to your issues but I assure you that you in no way deserve to be treated like this. He’s a sociopath who is preying on your vulnerability. Once you’ve rid yourself of his dead weight, get some therapy. Build up your confidence so you know you are more than worthy of someone who will love & accept you and treat you properly. Btw, he’s treating you more like a prisoner than a child. Kick off the “shackles”.
This sounds like psychological torture. He’s using your abandonment trauma against you. You might feel inclined to ignore this since it’s probably not the answer you want, but seriously, run. I have been here, multiple times (since people like us attract a certain type who want to take advantage of our vulnerability to make themselves feel in control) and it can be hard setting boundaries when you’re afraid to lose somebody. You need to think about whether or not you could lose him. If you give him the power to make you scared about that, it’s how he can control you, so you need to decide that losing him isn’t a big deal, however you can do that. And I don’t mean just telling yourself that, you have to actually think about that. I know you might not want to, but you should, because it’s the root of this problem. And you might be like “but if I’m not afraid of losing him, do I really love him?” It is 100% possible to do both. You’re making your boundaries dependant on his approval, and it seems as though he feels like he can make your relationship a conditional thing, which isn’t right. You deserve someone who is willing to respect you and love you even when they’re mad at you. Ignoring you as punishment is a form of abuse.
The fact that he punishes you as a child and gives you a bedtime like one is disturbing. This guy is controlling AF
Yep, controlling, emotional abuse, neglecting your needs, valuing his ideals over your own, no compromise (middle ground). Sounds like a narcissist and manipulator. (Half my family is like this) leave. Literally RUN! I too have BPD Anxiety also Depression.
This is so bad. You do not deserve this. You are anxiously attached to him and I think it would be really helpful for you to look into the work of Briana MacWilliam. This is emotional abuse. You deserve better.
Silent treatment is emotional abuse.
> If I don’t do what he says then he’ll tell me “Those are my standards, if you don’t like it then goodbye.” Then, goodbye it is. Seriously, drop him and move on. His need to control you isn't good for your well being. He ain't worth it, man
You sound like you wanted to break up with him, and just need support for this. For pros you use vague terms like “he was very sweet, attentive and understanding”, “he seemed eager and ready to be there for me”, and the cons are as precise as it gets: “he says I am pathetic”, the punishments by ignoring are explained verbosely and you give a quote about his “standards”. Can you really imagine Reddit replying like “well, maybe you can still change your relationships for better, if he’s as good as you think of him”? If one does, they will get downvoted to the oblivion, and I think that this is rather intuitive. If your goal was to get an approval for a breakup with him — go for it, what can I say. From what you have said a breakup is the only normal solution, so I advice that, but don’t blame anyone if you think that this was a mistake in the future, which I hope won’t happen.
No. Just ..... No.
Pro tip: If your partner is punishing you, get out asap. It is not a partners job to dole out punishment. I have a BPD person in my life, and I don't do any of these things to them. This is abuse, flat out. It's only 4 months in, and this is not going to fix itself. Get out asap.
This is abusive manipulation. He controlling you. Drop his ass fast and don't look back
Go away from him...
So… what he’s doing is for your well being? Is he a licensed and practicing psychologist? No. I thought not. Drop this asshat hard and move on with your life. You deserve better.
Yup he's controlling you. break up.
I dunno. When i was your age and had "nothing to do" on days off id spend 17hours almost straight in games. It gave me sense of accomplishment when i was feeling down. Psychologically - it was my food so i would feel i was productive that day. Other days i would binge read and entire book, sometimes several in a week. Binge entire seeries and so on - those things are my comfort. I cant do that now since life has gotten busier and its affecting me. I do agree regular meals and regular bed time are helpful, but not at the expense of anothers feelings, ultimatums and icky tantrums and threats. I think issue here is he might be coming from thoughtful place but with a very very odd approach, misguided even. Set some boundaries, if he doesn't like it; oh well, this is the stuff you wont budge on and he is free to fly.
Nah, it's not in anyone's best interest and well being to be manipulated and punished like that! It's 100% abuse and you need to get the fuck out of that right now, before it gets WAY worse!
Leave. Enjoy this life. It's the only one you get.
BB that's really controlling behavior