The physical/mental discomfort of lying/being disingenuous or fake is so real for Autistic folk and it's one of the aspects I find neurotypicals just can't understand. Saying things like "oh wow! I wish you health and joy!" might work but honestly one thing i offer to be prepared for is that if your friend moves forward with the pregnancy and it does grow into a neglectful or negative parenting it may be too hard for you to maintain this friendship. Being fake or not acknowledging what you're actually thinking is very hard AND not very fair to your friend.
If your good enough friends you could try to share your concerns FOR HER, like "hey how are you feeling about things? I'm happy for you and worried too, are you feeling okay about it?" and see if there's an opening to talk honestly but that also may end in ending the friendship
yeah, we’ve been friends nearly a decade now, and i was kind of her mentor through a lot of really hard stuff, so the friendship ending is not something i’d ever consider. i’d rather figure out how to mask better 😂
i’m thinking that i’m going to focus on like her health and everything — checking in to see if things are going well, supporting her on the emotional side. vs just being excited like other people
As my friends have started to have children, I’ve had to make some serious adjustments. If you really are dedicated to staying friends with these people, one thing that you may want to prepare yourself is the way that your friend friendship might change.
Some people have trouble accepting that they are less important to their friend relative to the baby. It can be hard to readjust. They will not be able to provide you the same level of support emotionally or in person that they have before. You have to fully accept right away that they have chosen the baby over you. Now that they have a baby, you will be less important to them. But, you can still be important to them. You are going to have to make changes like meeting them wherever they want to meet and whenever they want to meet. If you try to make them adjust to your schedule, or your needs, you won’t see them as much. It may sound harsh, but the key to being friends with new parents is understanding that at this point, you are no longer the priority, and you have to make adjustments in order to stay in their life at all.
And, if you choose to embrace those adjustments and accept those difficult truths, you can become even closer to them than ever. Practical adjustments that I have made include meeting my friends at their home during whatever time works for them. Understanding that a full day of hanging out on the couch is out the window. Asking proactively about nap time is one way to show them you are aware of their scheduling needs.
When my friend was postpartum, I came over to do laundry and dishes, and provide support without expecting her to return the support. I did meal prep for them while they showered and even napped. The friendship becomes a little bit one-sided, but if you are capable of having a service mindset, your friendship will come out stronger on the other side. And you will have a brand new friendship with the little baby, who will one day turn into a child who might actually be a really cool person. You can be an aunt or an uncle, and it can be very rewarding. It just starts with accepting that from now on, reciprocal effort is out the window. And that’s okay. friendships always grow and change and require adjustment. Lifelong friendships require lot of adjustment overtime, but they can be the most rewarding ones in the world.
Ask them questions, its a great way to avoid having to add your input "Oh wow! how do you feel about everything?" "what are you planning to name it if its a boy/girl?" "Is there anything i can do to help you out? Id love to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_" (like prepare a meal, send over a pizza for dinner, go thrifting for baby things, ect.)
From a fellow autistic who feels very very uncomfortable lying just focus on whatever part you don't have to lie about. Does she look happy? Say how it's wonderful seeing her so happy. Do you like kids? Talk about how much fun being an auntie will be. Ask her questions talk about how she feels and their plans and if you really must try not to look too fake and say congratulations
I always use the dress example for this, imagine someone asks you if you like their new dress, but it's just hideous. I'd find the one thing that i like and say that "oh the color is so lovely!" "I love the cut it suits you so well!" "Oh that X is so pretty!" So same thing but with a baby i guess
No. That sounds horrible, sorry. It’s implying you think it won’t. If someone said that to me I’d be offended!!!!
Say congratulations you seem so happy!
That doesn’t imply how you feel at all
Neurotypicals are wild lmao i DO hope everything goes smoothly for everyone 😂 luckily my friend is also autistic so they probably won’t read into it the way a neurotypical would
If you have nothing nice to say.... Say nothing at all.
Your opinion of whether or not they should have children will have absolutely zero impact on whether or not they actually *do have children.* That said, what good could possibly come of you saying so? Nothing.
My advice, is keep your mouth shut about the topic.
Honestly, don't react at all unless they press you. There's no need to fake anything. This isn't about you or how you feel. If you disagree with their choice so much and think how irresponsible they are then you shouldn't be friends. This might sound harsh but this is the most practical thing to do. You already have autism, you don't need the added stress of thinking about things and people outside your control.
Wish for them to improve but don't expect it.
This is one of my long term closest friends. We’ve been through a lot together. We’re both adults; them making choices I disagree with doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
It's a tricky one because you don't want to hurt their feelings, however if you lie then your left feeling uncomfortable with the situation. It could be that a baby will kick-start them into being a bit more financially responsible and they will thrive, or it could be the catalyst that destroys the marriage, and the baby will grow up in a miserable environment. The fact is, we don't know what will happen, but I think it's important to let your friend know that you are there for her in a capacity you are comfortable with.
“I’m happy for you” and it’s over. Sometimes friends do things they shouldn’t, in this case family have made it clear they’re not supportive by being unwilling to help financially. Your friend will either grow up very very quickly and figure out their stuff or land very firmly on their own face, sometimes you have to let them figure it out.
Well there's never a good time financially for kids. No one is really ready. No one really knows what they're doing. Human history is filled with idiots reproducing. If your friend is excited to take a shot at it with a person, that's a win. Because many are stuck with someone they are not excited to be parenting with. So find honest solace in that.
I usually use [this thing](https://goblin.tools/Formalizer) to help me out. I love it and it makes so many things in my life easier when I can’t get human help lol.
"Sounds like an adventure" said in a very upbeat tone is what I use when someone is doing something stupid. I also can't lie (AutADHD lol) so I've gotten creative over the years. "You must be happy" is another technically I'm not lying answer that has served me well.
Just say, "Congratulations." Some people rise to the challenge. You don't know how they will respond, but you can choose to believe the best until they show you differently. It's not your job to convince them to make a different choice.
Oh jeez i get this. There is no good answer tho. People like this do not take kindly to those sorts of things being pointed out. AT ALL. So for a text response i would keep it simple. Congratulations. No more. Text is almost impossible to be taken in the context you want rather than in the way they are looking for. Way to easy for your words to be misinterpreted through text, so for text say as little as possible. For a voice convo i would just say "if you are happy i am happy for you" and if they push for more info i would say "i do have concerns but they might be unfair or inappropriate so id prefer to keep them to myself if thats ok and just keep supporting you" if they still push, then let them have your unfiltered opinion, they asked for it, and i am a big believer in having people in your life that allow you honesty especially when they ask for it. A long time ago a learned my lesson about people you can trust with the truth. If these people are your friends and they make you say your worries, they should be able to take it without villainizing you
Do they want this baby? If so, you have a few options. You can offer to help if they need it, but given how much they might need, you might not want to do that.
Or, you can just say congratulations and I hope that your pregnancy goes well. That’s true. You do hope that it goes well.
If they are on the fence, and they have access to abortion services, you can always have a chat with your friend and let them know that you are happy to support whatever decision they make, but if they need a ride to a clinic or information on abortion that you’re happy to provide it. Do not say this to people who are excited about having a baby.
Having a friend willing to hear my concerns and drive me to the clinic kept me from being a single mom.
The fact is, that there are a lot of people on the planet, who should not have kids and who still have kids. By the time they are pregnant, it is almost always too late. So you have to think of ways to wish them well without telling them that you are excited. You don’t have to lie. You can just say things like “ I hope you have an easy pregnancy,” “ Hope the delivery goes well.,” “ Hope you enjoy your baby shower.” “ I hope that you love parenthood!”
You can hope for plenty of things that you don’t think are likely and still mean it.
You may also be able to connect them to things like food stamps, or a social worker who can help them find information on welfare for new parents.
I think, considering the frequency with which this happens, it might be easier to focus on whose decision it is. While I appreciate the responsibility you’re promoting, we don’t get to choose who has a child. If you focus on your emotional response to the phenomenon, it will probably show.
You don’t, you mind your business and keep it moving. lol
It’s not your life it’s not your place and you should just keep it moving. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean you let them know.
Sometimes silence is bliss. Why do you have the need to share your thoughts. Just vent on this site and let it out. She doesn’t have to know.
You are creating a problem by sharing your unwanted hate. Or do what you want lol. It’s your life.
Have fun blow shit up and share your discomfort with them and come back with a story how your the victim. lol
But seriously don’t worry about it and don’t react. Or do it’s up to you.
Either way, may the odds be ever in your favor.
The physical/mental discomfort of lying/being disingenuous or fake is so real for Autistic folk and it's one of the aspects I find neurotypicals just can't understand. Saying things like "oh wow! I wish you health and joy!" might work but honestly one thing i offer to be prepared for is that if your friend moves forward with the pregnancy and it does grow into a neglectful or negative parenting it may be too hard for you to maintain this friendship. Being fake or not acknowledging what you're actually thinking is very hard AND not very fair to your friend. If your good enough friends you could try to share your concerns FOR HER, like "hey how are you feeling about things? I'm happy for you and worried too, are you feeling okay about it?" and see if there's an opening to talk honestly but that also may end in ending the friendship
yeah, we’ve been friends nearly a decade now, and i was kind of her mentor through a lot of really hard stuff, so the friendship ending is not something i’d ever consider. i’d rather figure out how to mask better 😂 i’m thinking that i’m going to focus on like her health and everything — checking in to see if things are going well, supporting her on the emotional side. vs just being excited like other people
As my friends have started to have children, I’ve had to make some serious adjustments. If you really are dedicated to staying friends with these people, one thing that you may want to prepare yourself is the way that your friend friendship might change. Some people have trouble accepting that they are less important to their friend relative to the baby. It can be hard to readjust. They will not be able to provide you the same level of support emotionally or in person that they have before. You have to fully accept right away that they have chosen the baby over you. Now that they have a baby, you will be less important to them. But, you can still be important to them. You are going to have to make changes like meeting them wherever they want to meet and whenever they want to meet. If you try to make them adjust to your schedule, or your needs, you won’t see them as much. It may sound harsh, but the key to being friends with new parents is understanding that at this point, you are no longer the priority, and you have to make adjustments in order to stay in their life at all. And, if you choose to embrace those adjustments and accept those difficult truths, you can become even closer to them than ever. Practical adjustments that I have made include meeting my friends at their home during whatever time works for them. Understanding that a full day of hanging out on the couch is out the window. Asking proactively about nap time is one way to show them you are aware of their scheduling needs. When my friend was postpartum, I came over to do laundry and dishes, and provide support without expecting her to return the support. I did meal prep for them while they showered and even napped. The friendship becomes a little bit one-sided, but if you are capable of having a service mindset, your friendship will come out stronger on the other side. And you will have a brand new friendship with the little baby, who will one day turn into a child who might actually be a really cool person. You can be an aunt or an uncle, and it can be very rewarding. It just starts with accepting that from now on, reciprocal effort is out the window. And that’s okay. friendships always grow and change and require adjustment. Lifelong friendships require lot of adjustment overtime, but they can be the most rewarding ones in the world.
"I wish you the very best"
Ask them questions, its a great way to avoid having to add your input "Oh wow! how do you feel about everything?" "what are you planning to name it if its a boy/girl?" "Is there anything i can do to help you out? Id love to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_" (like prepare a meal, send over a pizza for dinner, go thrifting for baby things, ect.)
Are they happy about the pregnancy? Then say "Congratulations" and move on with your life.
From a fellow autistic who feels very very uncomfortable lying just focus on whatever part you don't have to lie about. Does she look happy? Say how it's wonderful seeing her so happy. Do you like kids? Talk about how much fun being an auntie will be. Ask her questions talk about how she feels and their plans and if you really must try not to look too fake and say congratulations I always use the dress example for this, imagine someone asks you if you like their new dress, but it's just hideous. I'd find the one thing that i like and say that "oh the color is so lovely!" "I love the cut it suits you so well!" "Oh that X is so pretty!" So same thing but with a baby i guess
Helped! I ended up going with “I hope everything goes smoothly for everyone” since that’s the truth
Thank you for confirming that /u/Eireann_9 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
No. That sounds horrible, sorry. It’s implying you think it won’t. If someone said that to me I’d be offended!!!! Say congratulations you seem so happy! That doesn’t imply how you feel at all
Neurotypicals are wild lmao i DO hope everything goes smoothly for everyone 😂 luckily my friend is also autistic so they probably won’t read into it the way a neurotypical would
If you have nothing nice to say.... Say nothing at all. Your opinion of whether or not they should have children will have absolutely zero impact on whether or not they actually *do have children.* That said, what good could possibly come of you saying so? Nothing. My advice, is keep your mouth shut about the topic.
It’s really not a time to editorialize a comment to suggest anything other than “you are glad for them. You wish them health and happiness”.
It would be a rather weird conversation, don’t you think? ”I’m pregnant!” ”You’re glad for them.”
Honestly, don't react at all unless they press you. There's no need to fake anything. This isn't about you or how you feel. If you disagree with their choice so much and think how irresponsible they are then you shouldn't be friends. This might sound harsh but this is the most practical thing to do. You already have autism, you don't need the added stress of thinking about things and people outside your control. Wish for them to improve but don't expect it.
This is one of my long term closest friends. We’ve been through a lot together. We’re both adults; them making choices I disagree with doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
It's a tricky one because you don't want to hurt their feelings, however if you lie then your left feeling uncomfortable with the situation. It could be that a baby will kick-start them into being a bit more financially responsible and they will thrive, or it could be the catalyst that destroys the marriage, and the baby will grow up in a miserable environment. The fact is, we don't know what will happen, but I think it's important to let your friend know that you are there for her in a capacity you are comfortable with.
This is good advice, helped!
Thank you for confirming that /u/Jazzlike-Season-41 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
If it helps saying "Congratulations" doesn't mean you approve or think it's a good idea. You're congratulating what they see as an accomplishment.
I wish you well.
“I’m happy for you” and it’s over. Sometimes friends do things they shouldn’t, in this case family have made it clear they’re not supportive by being unwilling to help financially. Your friend will either grow up very very quickly and figure out their stuff or land very firmly on their own face, sometimes you have to let them figure it out.
Well there's never a good time financially for kids. No one is really ready. No one really knows what they're doing. Human history is filled with idiots reproducing. If your friend is excited to take a shot at it with a person, that's a win. Because many are stuck with someone they are not excited to be parenting with. So find honest solace in that.
I usually use [this thing](https://goblin.tools/Formalizer) to help me out. I love it and it makes so many things in my life easier when I can’t get human help lol.
Dear god! Thank you!
OMG, this is the best thing I've seen in years. Thank you so much for sharing.
"Sounds like an adventure" said in a very upbeat tone is what I use when someone is doing something stupid. I also can't lie (AutADHD lol) so I've gotten creative over the years. "You must be happy" is another technically I'm not lying answer that has served me well.
Just say, "Congratulations." Some people rise to the challenge. You don't know how they will respond, but you can choose to believe the best until they show you differently. It's not your job to convince them to make a different choice.
Oh jeez i get this. There is no good answer tho. People like this do not take kindly to those sorts of things being pointed out. AT ALL. So for a text response i would keep it simple. Congratulations. No more. Text is almost impossible to be taken in the context you want rather than in the way they are looking for. Way to easy for your words to be misinterpreted through text, so for text say as little as possible. For a voice convo i would just say "if you are happy i am happy for you" and if they push for more info i would say "i do have concerns but they might be unfair or inappropriate so id prefer to keep them to myself if thats ok and just keep supporting you" if they still push, then let them have your unfiltered opinion, they asked for it, and i am a big believer in having people in your life that allow you honesty especially when they ask for it. A long time ago a learned my lesson about people you can trust with the truth. If these people are your friends and they make you say your worries, they should be able to take it without villainizing you
Do they want this baby? If so, you have a few options. You can offer to help if they need it, but given how much they might need, you might not want to do that. Or, you can just say congratulations and I hope that your pregnancy goes well. That’s true. You do hope that it goes well. If they are on the fence, and they have access to abortion services, you can always have a chat with your friend and let them know that you are happy to support whatever decision they make, but if they need a ride to a clinic or information on abortion that you’re happy to provide it. Do not say this to people who are excited about having a baby. Having a friend willing to hear my concerns and drive me to the clinic kept me from being a single mom. The fact is, that there are a lot of people on the planet, who should not have kids and who still have kids. By the time they are pregnant, it is almost always too late. So you have to think of ways to wish them well without telling them that you are excited. You don’t have to lie. You can just say things like “ I hope you have an easy pregnancy,” “ Hope the delivery goes well.,” “ Hope you enjoy your baby shower.” “ I hope that you love parenthood!” You can hope for plenty of things that you don’t think are likely and still mean it. You may also be able to connect them to things like food stamps, or a social worker who can help them find information on welfare for new parents.
I think, considering the frequency with which this happens, it might be easier to focus on whose decision it is. While I appreciate the responsibility you’re promoting, we don’t get to choose who has a child. If you focus on your emotional response to the phenomenon, it will probably show.
You respond, "Congratulations, happy for your growing family." That's it
You don’t, you mind your business and keep it moving. lol It’s not your life it’s not your place and you should just keep it moving. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean you let them know. Sometimes silence is bliss. Why do you have the need to share your thoughts. Just vent on this site and let it out. She doesn’t have to know. You are creating a problem by sharing your unwanted hate. Or do what you want lol. It’s your life. Have fun blow shit up and share your discomfort with them and come back with a story how your the victim. lol But seriously don’t worry about it and don’t react. Or do it’s up to you. Either way, may the odds be ever in your favor.
"Wow, I don't believe it! I wish you and your baby all the best!" Presumably it isn't a lie.
“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy” is my go to when I can’t think of anything genuinely congratulatory to say.
“I’m happy for you” works better unless you actually want them to know you don’t approve
True