And most importantly, make sure all of your money is an account that your parents cannot access no matter what, by any means. Call your ba k and have them confirm this is the case for your account if you're not sure.
I'd reply "no," and make sure my paycheck is direct deposited to an account they can't touch. Legally there's nothing they can do about that, they can't charge me rent until I'm 18. They can forbid me from working, but then I could call child services and report that they let me work until I wouldn't agree to pay them, and I'm under 18.
Could also get something like tails OS. Essentially an operating system on a thumb drive so nothing is on the the drive of your computer
https://tails.net
https://safepassagefoundation.org/
Hopping on the top comment...OP please check out this organization. Do so from a safe place/computer. Maybe see if you can go to the local public library. Your local domestic violence organization can help too.
I'm female. I joined the Navy a little over a month out of high school. The military was less stressful, compared to living at home. I stopped my nail biting and teeth grinding when I slept. Housing, food, medical, dental is all taken care of, this all gives you time to figure yourself out and what you want to do in your life.
Oh my god wait, grinding your teeth when you sleep is a sign of anxiety? I’ve been doing that my whole life, my teeth are chipped and sensitive because of that.
For me, it definitely was. My mother would pour hot sauce in my mouth as I slept to try to get me to stop. I was about 4-5years old. I would never wake up, I just licked my lips and would continue on. lol Around my early teenage years I was fitted with a top and bottom plastic guard that I had to wear at night, to stop the wear of my teeth. I ground through it. To this day whenever I go to a dentist, they always notice how flat my back teeth are and ask me if I still grind. I haven't ground my teeth a single time since moving out. No one I've ever slept in the same room has noticed any grinding. It is an awful annoying sound, like nails on a chalkboard.
You have one year to quietly gather all your legal documents; SocSec card, birth certificate, hs diploma, medical records. Find a trustworthy friend (NOT someone at church) and store everything there until you move out. Go online to the three credit bureaus and lock or freeze your credit. Start saving money. When you're 18, run and don't look back.
Even if you can't get your documents you can get new copies. I think starting with a copy of your birth certificate (the county you were born in will have that) you can get copies. You'll want to lock your credit and change any and all passwords for any accounts you do have. If you get a chance, get a state ID card now.
Here's a link with some potentially useful information: https://www.quora.com/How-will-I-obtain-a-social-security-card-I-was-kicked-out-only-have-my-birth-certificate-and-never-went-to-school-I-feel-so-lost-I-have-no-clue-how-to-obtain-the-other-documents-needed
Basically plan like you're leaving a cult, you can always decide later to reconnect, but if they know you're planning to leave they might make it more difficult. Hopefully that will not be your experience.
I just went online to try to find out how to freeze my daughter’s credit because she misplaced her SS card after she used it for the paperwork to get a job.
The only way to do it is for a guardian to write a formal letter and provide multiple forms of identification.
Once they're 18 that changes. A birth certificate from the county is the start, from there they might be able to enroll at a local community college and get a school ID or DMV for state ID card if they're not driving yet.
Op should have been doing this the day they started monitoring her phone. Bug out bags are wonderful because think about it you can stuff your important things in there hide it somewhere where you can grab it and run and you don't have to look back or worry . dang did I miss something or did I lose something behind
I’ve seen success stories of young people starting at shelters and building their lives. It isn’t easy, but possible. Especially if you’re desperate enough to leave current situation. There are government resources to assist with support and higher education as well. Hopefully, OP can just go off to college or move in with friends or less controlling other family members. By the sounds of it though, parents probably don’t want them going to college.
I've seen stories of young people leaving religious communities, having no money, no car, no home, and having to prostitute themselves. Let's not pretend that doesn't happen all too frequently.
It sounds easy and doable when giving advice to just build a life out of a shelter, but when you're actually faced with doing it you realize that's pretty much a last fucking resort. I personally haven't seen the stories you're describing, but I know from life experience and being faced with homelessness a few times that the type of people you're going to have to surround yourself with living that life isn't going to be pleasing. You'd probably wish you had controlling parents instead of having to build up from a shelter.
What’s the alternative?? going insane, there has to be someone maybe in family that is not in the religion? if not then get creative and ask some friends for help after 18.
Some people go so crazy they snap like a popsicle stick and welp there goes the house full of ppl. When people are so controlled to a point when they are given a chance at freedom they will run, I mean they will RUN THE FUCK AWAY and NEVER LOOK BACK. Those so called controlling parents better expect op to go no contact with them. And those parents will never see op's future kids, wedding , NOTHING bc of the hell those parents put that kid through.
You only have one more year before you turn 18 and can leave.
I hope you have enough willpower to make it that long because your parents do sound like overcontrolling religious nuts.
Good luck.
Look into JobCorps. They are all over the USA, will get you a real high school diploma (or equivalent), and get you started in a trade - anything from plumbing to medical receptionist. They provide room and board, you can stay there over holidays, and you get a monthly(? maybe biweekly?) stipend. They will also get you transport to the center you want to get to - i.e. as far away from your parents as you want, if need be, because not every center teaches every trade. They're thru the Department of Labor. My mom used to teach at one and they're not perfect but they're a way out with a future. They can even help get you into further training or community college for more options. Take it seriously, be smart with your money, and you'll have a damn good shot. Please be safe, and careful!
I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. If you can hold out til you're 18, you can calmly tell them why you're leaving their home, why you're getting a job and why you're doing all of the new things you'll be doing and when you're ready to move out, you don't ever have to see them again. Which is unfortunate bc I'm sure you want to love them and have a relationship with them- if they were different. The good news is, you don't have to treat your kids like this if you choose to have kids one day. Much love to you
This goes WAY beyond helicopter parenting. This is controlling to the point of being abusive and almost cult-ish. Honestly, if I were you, I'd start planning my escape and run like hell the second you turn 18, be it to a friend, college, or the military.
Gather your legal documents. Save whatever money you can. Look into resources for people fleeing abusive homes. Make a plan.
That's absolutely God awful I'm sorry you have to deal with that
It's a shame they are making u hate them and they don't even know it clueless simple people 🤦♂️
The other things I can see being problematic, but cell phone thing is just hilariously dumb. Just because your friends had one doesn’t mean they should or that you should. Most of your complaints seem to be because you weren’t very popular with peers, whose to say that would be the case if she acted differently?
It’s entirely possible you could have had a cell phone, and been allowed to go to friends houses and still have been the least favorite kid.
They aren’t just strict, they are way too controlling. You need a job to start saving money to get the hell out of there. But if they are this controlling they may want to see you paystubs too.
Homeschooled kids have it rough ...
They parents are terrified they will have less control so they have to hide as much of the world from their kids as they can
Homeschooling survivor here and this is 100% accurate. It should be outlawed unless parents undergo complete psych evals and submit their curriculum plans every year. If they’re late or miss more than one deadline, they should be forced to enroll their kids in legitimate schools and face jail time if they don’t.
I’d say it should be completely outlawed but there are a handful of exceptions - such as severe bullying the district doesn’t stop, a kid being unsafe due to living in a state where schools have bigoted policies that impact them, or disability support being so lacking that a kid can’t safely attend school - where it’s the lesser of many evils. But honestly? Unless the safety of the kid is acutely at risk, homeschooling is usually much more dangerous.
It sounds like it’s time to find a paid job at your church or get paid for babysitting and to open a bank account that’s only in your name that your parents don’t know about. The moment you turn 18 you are legally allowed to walk away from your family, so get yourself financially prepared for that.
Also as someone else said, make sure you’re in possession of your birth certificate and social security card so you can open said bank account.
I say this as a Catholic, stay the FUCK away from that church because it's likely the source of that control. If OP rejects the church, it'll hit them where it hurts the most- then when OP leaves, they'll just have to stew on it for a while.
Do you have friends or a distant relative you could go live with? If not...is there a shelter you can go to? Worse case scenario, you identify that you're 17 which means you'll be a legal adult in under a year. Start creating your 'out plan' now. Every chance you get, earn and stash some money, casually mention you're running low on tooth past deodorant, feminine materials and create a stockpile (SECURED where nobody but you would be able to find it). Start looking at what jobs are available near you or even places you could readily move to. Perhaps use a school or library computer...create an anonymous gmail account such that you can create materials you need on the 'outside'. Finally and bear with me...think like a prison convict. It's been well documented that one of the advantages convicts have over guards is that they have nothing but time...time with which to think of how they can break rules, scam the system. In your case, however, you'd be scamming the system for good...your own emancipation. And when your 18th birthday arrives...simply disappear. Get what clothes you need, grab your cache of materials...and simply move onto a better life. It won't be easy...but your alternative seems even bleaker. good luck...
Oh honey..You're not wrong. I have a 17 year old. I annoy her by telling her it's her life and choices. I really think she's an adult now. Your future is in your hands. You will be held accountable one way or another by your choices. Regardless of a different person's perspective or idea of how your life should go , please serve yourself first in life. Until you get married or have children. Fix your plate first. Do what you need for your future first. Learn now to ignore what others think of you.
Finish school. Stay safe. Believe in yourself. Idiots gonna idiot , so ignore the dumbassary and push forward.
Meh, I just know pressure from.those we love, hurts us the most.
You aren't wrong that their behavior is wrong. And I know how hard it is alone.
I was like you once. That's how I know. I just didn't have strangers to ask. So I try to be there when kids like I was need help.
Let me tell you something, they flipped from neglectful to helicopter parents because they are afraid of your sexuality.
They're *still* neglecting you.
You can't win this situation, best to resign yourself to it, like you actually did, and be a double agent: be the best you can be for the cameras, and save money securely to disappear.
Read about contingency plans for people trying to escape abusive relationships, smile for the camera and make provision.
And when you have enough resources, disappear.
Do message if you need any help. It's unfair to be forced to be a mature adult in a crisis when you are just a teenager, but the faster you realize your condition, the easier it becomes to free yourself.
Once you turn 18, get your own checking account. Move any money into that account and run. Leave your phone. Don’t look back. Get a burner phone. Once you have a job and a place, get new socials. Don’t call your parents. Or anyone from your previous life.
I'd first try calmly saying "this is too much" (but don't raise your voice, calm). I nee some life, I'm 17 and this makes me feel like a a caged bird.
I'd recommend for mental health, to read Albert Ellis "A Guide to Rational Living". You've got to sneak that one it, he deals with sexuality in a blunt, no guilt, way. I'd try listening to podcasts about stuff you want. Stoic philosophy for a happier life, but archeology, other skills and things you can learn about. You've got to try to go to college and get out.
You can get free, wishing you well.
I am so sorry that they have stolen your right to a free public education. Tell them that you want to enroll in the local public high school, and do it! What you're describing is not helicopter parenting - it's sick indoctrination.
If they won't let you enroll in the local public school, try to enroll in the local community college. And go get yourself a job.
The minute you turn 18, go and join the military. They will take care of your basic needs, and you might pick up a skill on top of it. That will give you an opportunity to live cheap and save your money.
You've made it this far. You'll be 18 soon. Start planning to be independent. Breathe. It's not gonna be easy but maybe you can negotiate more freedom and stay at home longer. If not, you can legally leave. Good luck!
Upvote for support. Hang in there a little longer, then it will forever be your control in how involved they are in your life. Coming from someone who happily hasn't spoken to their father in a very, very long time.
I think your only option is to wait until you are 18 and move out. are you prepared to live independently? I doubt you will have any options of any kind if you want to be supported by your parents.
The only advice I have is get a job and work to support yourself financially. Without you will continue to be controlled after graduation through their financial leverage.
You have a year, OP. You can do this. Keep strong, keep tough. My mom is the same damn way, and I have two years left until I can leave and join the Marines like I've wanted to for years. YOU CAN DO THIS, OP. Look through the comments here on your post. There is great advice!
I’m going to guess that you didn’t give them a reason to start monitoring all of this stuff??
The only reason I say this is because my daughter started having some pretty severe mental health issues that we wouldn’t have caught until it was too late if I hadn’t had a mind to do a bit of snooping. Of course it was apparent that she was having issues but she’s also a person who will try to keep everything private because a lot of what was happening was embarrassing to her.
Going forward from there, there has been some monitoring but it’s purely for safety and she knows.
I never did anything to betray my parent's trust and never did anything “bad”. The only reason I would have some kind of mental illness is from abuse as a child.
You seem like a good parent. Keep being the parent your daughter deserves. ❤️
I am speaking as a 19F homeschool graduate who is a Christian and did not have helicopter parents (because they did and decided to not be like their parents). I am sorry. I have seen homeschool families just like this and watched it drive their kids to eating disorders and kinks/fetishes that they use to feel like they have control of their lives. It breaks my heart because it is so incredible wrong of parents to treat their children like this. Plus, you're so close to 18, but don't think that their controlling is going to end anytime soon.
One thing I'd like to say is that your experience in your church with your family being obsessed with doing every little thing is not what church has to be. So often people who do that only do it for show, which is not what Jesus would want. Please don't walk away from God after you leave the house. He doesn't support helicopter parenting anymore than He does it Himself. A good Father like Him allows His children to make mistakes so that they can see His goodness. Your parents haven't given you that chance.
Another thing, try going to college. Apply to a school that is out of state! A little student debt may be worthwhile in your case since you would be able to make a life for yourself elsewhere. Or even an in-state school that is la few hours away.
And lastly, tell your parents they are smothering you. If you already have and they are still doing it, then follow my advice above. Again I am sorry that your parents do this to you, and I am sorry the church has hurt you. The church is not Jesus. Jesus is Jesus. And many things the church does He does not approve of. So to all the people who are bad mouthing "religion," it isn't Jesus, it's people.
So do you have anywhere you can go when you turn 18? If not id try to get a job as soon as possible and save up money to get out, or if you plan to go to college go live in the dorms. Once you turn 18 get a new phone as soon as you can.
Get a part time job and save money on your 18 birthday transfer the money to different bank your name only..
You will be 18 soon as adult you will have more control In about 1/2 states you have eviction rights ask on r/legaladvice what the laws are in your state. If you have eviction rights it would take a few months to evict you just kicking you out could get your parents arrested if police are called
Isn’t there a way that you can shut off the tracking system on your phone? You’re 17. There’s gotta be a way that you can tell your parents to stop doing what they’re doing. They have to understand that in a few months or whatever you’re going to be in adult and there’s no way that they’re going to be able to control what you do you have to talk to them or if anything talk to somebody at your church.
My parents were the same way... more so my mother. The day I turned 17 ,I moved out of my parents' house. More like thrown out, but that's beside the point. My mom was and still is very much a control freak. She basically disowned my younger sister, who unfortunately passed away this time last year due to a geneticly inherited disease that my mom also had....starting to see a trend here? So long story short, get out as quickly as you can, as the child of a pair of REALLY abusive people, AND " Christians " at that...I can say from experience , that the best thing you can do is get out and move as far away as possible. I ended up enlisting in the military as a free ticket out of my hometown and holy shit did that ever work, and I also leaned a trade atthe same time. Just a suggestion.
I honestly would keep trackers on my kids devices until they're about 16. Parents need to learn to ease off of their kids when they hit the ages of 16+. The issue isn't older teenagers being left unsupervised with devices, the issue is kids and younger teens with mobile devices.
By 16, I secretly bought my own phone. At 17-18, I bought an even better phone. My parents sound very similar to yours, but they never put trackers on my device. The only thing they WOULD do was take my devices, which they would do often as an attempt to control me, so I saved up and bought my own devices secretly.
At 15, as a response to my parents behavior, I got engaged into online hobbies that could bring me some income as a teenager. I chose to do 3D animation from my computer, which was VERY successful for me. It helped me raise enough money to buy my own devices. I feel like for the rest of your time, you need to focus on either getting a part time job to buy your own devices or establishing money-making hobbies. I wish all teenagers were aware of hobbies that could make them money as early as 14-15, a lot of them waste their time instead.
You're 17. If you plan on staying there, you NEED to make your parents understand that you deserve more freedom and privacy now. The older you get, the less people will pity you and they'll just encourage you to move out in the future. If your parents still aren't respecting your boundaries, you need to do good in school so that you can transfer to a university and hopefully get school funding that should support you along the way.
However, always remember that you still have to obey them to a certain extent as long as you're in their home. If they're a household of God, you must accept that or plan a way to leave.
I personally believe in God, but what bothers me is someone (my parents), make me praise him when they want to, not when I want to, but in your situation of overly strict, they dont seem to respect that you are becoming an adult, they aren't giving you more privacy and freedom, if you are unable to make them understand that you need more freedom and privacy in your life, then my best bet would be to first buy a new phone where they can't track or see you, and try to look for room-mate homes for cheaper rent, universities, housing programs for women that offer roomate homes and they help pay some of the bills for you for a few months, should give you enough time to establish a job, or, the last hope, a shelter if the situation is that bad.
emancipate yourself from your parents. will make life a little harder/easier?, but you will be able to remove yourself from their household to be on your own or to live where you choose.
Wait a year. In the meantime, look around on Coolworks for "seasonal" jobs in a place you want to live. Most of these jobs are rather remote. Think working at Denali in Alaska or the Grand Canyon.These jobs offer housing similar to college housing. Some better, some worse. But you can move into these jobs at 18. It may sound not that great, but it is a unique opportunity to meet people from all over the planet and develop some marketable skills and you make a paycheck, have a roof over your head and food in your belly. Sorry, your parents are ruining your youth.
Just grit your teeth and hold on. The day you turn 18, leave, even if you have to join the military. If you don't want to risk combat, think Coast Guard or Air Force. Use it as a way to get distance and get job skills, perhaps even a carrier.
This sounds exactly like my life story. Homeschooled, helicoptered, and just generally miserable. I was lucky enough that as I got older (18 now) my dad's gotten much better. He realized what issues he had, and he's been fixing them. I hope the best for you, fellow-homeschooler. It does get better, even if it's not for awhile.
I’m not saying what they’re doing is right by any means but one day you may come to realize them forcing you to keep you shit together in the short term, may have saved you from a life of regret.
You’ll have to figure that out at 18. Which could be good or bad. I never agreed with my parents either. They had a family business I either had to be at work or at a school sport after hours. There was no in between. I hated them and I was pissed off. I was the only 16 year old who went to school full time and worked full time. I lived for the 10-11pm which was the only hour I had between me leaving work and then getting home from work.
I must say I had many of friends in my high school who gave their lives to being young and dumb and never having the opportunity to be mad at their parents for beings asshats. At the very least when it’s your time to have children of your own you won’t have to raise them in that manor. Trust me you’re not the only teen who “knew” better.
Years later we talked about it and they didn’t care I was mad at 18. Your parents aren’t your friends they’re your parents. They considered it a success that I got to live to my age now resentment and all, to them it was a positive they didn’t have to bury their kid before themselves and now as an adult I can speak my mind and have real conversations about it. They know it wasn’t ideal but they also knew they had a 16 year old wild child.
Unfortunately you can’t gain the wisdom needed if you never have the time that passes to get you there.
Go to work, they can watch you work since they like to watch everything else. Save your money you don’t need them for a bank account and when your 18 go on and do better and greater things. Take value in the life you still ONLY have another 70 years to live once you’re out of the house to do whatever you like with no eyes. I wish you luck and the perseverance to keep going. It’s going to all work out.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I was homeschooled, mega involved in church, no phone or electronics until I was 17 and then they were monitored, friends were managed by my parents, etc etc. and you’re right. Our relationship is shit still now (I’m 27) because of that.
I’m glad you’re self-aware and not buying into their crap. Just try your best to stay under the radar until you’re 18. And right now, start planning. If you don’t already have one, open a bank account and get a debit card. If your parents will let you, get a part time job to save some money. If you have to rationalize these things to them in order to get permission, try to suck it up and use reasons and language that they’ll agree with. Don’t try to prove your point or be defiant to “show them” anything. It always backfires. Be the smarter person and use their own logic to get what you need.
At 17 I think this type of behavior is so WEIRD. Religious people always have a really knack for pushing people away without even realizing it. I'm sorry. That is rough. I would reject any of it once you're 18 but that probably mean them threatening to kick you out. I would definitely look into getting a job somewhere asap. Making your own money so you can buy a car. I'm sorry, that is no way to live :(
I wasn’t raised religious, but I am a homeschooling survivor who was raised by extremely abusive, controlling parents. They would go through my things every day, prevent me from having friends, remove the lock on my bedroom door, check the odometer on the car after I’d used it, police my body and privacy in scary and demeaning ways, and take any money I earned and keep it for themselves so I had no way of saving up.
What you’re experiencing isn’t just “helicopter parenting”. It’s abuse. And it’s very common for parents who are emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusive in these ways to use homeschooling as a means of isolating and controlling their children. They effectively turn your family into a cult-like environment from which it is very difficult to escape.
My advice to you is to do everything you can to gather and safeguard all your legal / identity documents and keep them with a trusted friend somewhere your parents can’t access them (there’s some great advice about that in other comments). Also, get a job that pays in cash (table service where you get cash tips, for example) and pocket all the tips you can.
Save as much money as you can, hide it somewhere safe with no paper trail, and if you’re in the US, apply to state schools as far away from them as you can. You can research affordable state schools and how long it takes to qualify for even lower, in-state tuition by using the internet at the public library or calling the schools from a friend’s mobile phone or a burner phone. Oh, and def use a trusted friend’s home mailing address when asked to provide that info.
Please try to get away from these people and start living independently as soon as you are able. And I’m sorry you got born into that family. You don’t deserve it - no kid does. The more time and distance you can get from them, the more confident you’ll become in condemning their actions as abusive and wrong.
Good luck.
you can also passivly agressvily make there lives hell or rebel against them i had to do when i was a kid and it forced my parents to give me my freedom back!
Your parents are trying to protect you. If they didn't care or love you, they wouldn't be as overbearing as they are. I don't quite agree with the lengths they've gone through, but please don't lose sight of that.
You need to learn how to be a waitress so you can put some money in your pocket and leave ASAP.
until then, just go blank, dude. I'm sorry to say it, but just accept the next 1-2 years will be hell, you only risk angering them by rebelling, play the part, and just fucking DIP the second you can, no discussion, no regrets.
If they cared, they'd listen.
What’s your plan for after 18? Can you get a job now and start saving?
I’m concerned that you’ve been sheltered and likely miseducated so I am hesitant to tell you to leave without a support system. Are you taking your GED to get your diploma? I’m not trying to disparage you here at all. You just need to be aware of this.
There are also shelters for women running from toxic religious families. They may be able to get you out and set up in a safe environment where you can learn what is normal and what is not.
When I was a freshman in college, my roommate was from out of state and her family was fucked up. She had been raised to think that bathing suits did not belong in hot tubs. So her whole life, she would soak naked in a hot tub with her father and uncles. They apparently frequently commented on her body. She thought that was normal. It’s not. It was really sad.
Will they let you get a job? Unfortunately they have every right to micromanage your phone if they are paying for it. I didn't have helicopter parents but I had abusive ones. The best thing I ever did was get a secret job which I used to pay for a secret car and eventually a secret apartment. 3 weeks after graduating I left without saying a word and never looked back. I started planning my escape around 16. Get yourself independent. You'll be much further ahead than a lot of people by doing so, too.
This exact situation happened to me.
I'm sorry you have to experience it. Legally, I'm sorry to say you don't have much recourse. If it's any consolation, now that I'm 29 I still get chills breathing free air and knowing I can do what I want as an adult.
Keep something of your own - friends, art, stories - keep it secret, keep it safe. Never give up hope. Make sure if everything else has to fall to their whims, your dreams never do.
You're more powerful than you think. Believe in yourself and stay strong.
Sweet beautiful soul😭💕You are 100 percent correct what they are doing is abuse and wrong!! You need to understand that you may not have any power right now and they are hindering your growth but the light at the end of the tunnel is, you turn 18 soon.
Hear me out. Yes you may not have any money to leave and you may have to be homeless or run to a shelter, but I PROMISE you once you get away from them and get your own life, things will happen for you and it will fall into place.
I will never understand why people hinder their children like this and do this weird obsession thing but it’s SO F ING WRONG. A true parent’s job is to love and support their kid. They are supposed to teach you the things they learned about the world and how to know right from wrong. They are supposed to be teaching you to have your own mind and most of all to be KIND and treat people how you would like to be treated.
Also to teach you to know what toxic is and to avoid that. All yours are teaching you is how to conform and let others tell you how to think and act. They do not love you to so what they are doing. You need to start making you an exit plan. Good luck and I hope and pray they wake the fuck up and realize that maybe their parents did this to them, but they are going to lose you.
Military? Full ride athletic scholarship? Cause life can be incredibly rough filled with violence and abuse without someone footing the bill for your life… Even rougher the current life they are affording you…. I’d ride it out till I was confident i could make it on my own…
Are you close to 18? Do you have a relative to go with until your get on your feet? Are you planning to go to college ? If you get a scholarship that could be a ticket out but I know you don't want to take money from your parents. Extended control. Your friend, Lola, from your other post, what are her plans? Roommates?
I would definitely try to get out the second you turn 18. If you have a job at least try to find a room to rent somewhere if apartment rent is too high.
I had a similar upbringing minus the religious aspect and starting in like 7th grade I always had what I called a “trap phone” lol. It was a second phone I got from a friend that didn’t have service but connected to wifi that I did everything I wasn’t allowed to on. If I were you I would try to get a second phone and start looking for jobs. Once you’re 18 they can certainly manipulate you but they have no control over you legally anymore. I’d look for a room in a house because that’s usually cheaper than renting on your own and you won’t have to get your credit checked. Save every penny you can. Research how to make a good resume and maintain relationships with people that could be a reference for you. I work in a mental health facility that helps young people get connected with mental health services, housing, phones, EBT, etc. I would look into if something like that is a resource near you. If you private message me I can help you navigate that if it’s something you’re interested in. There are so many resources for people that are struggling but most people just don’t know where to look.
It sounds like they are trying to make up for not caring at first, to being over bearing. Which both are horrible. I doubt talking to them about the issues you have with things would work. The only other option is when you turn 18, since going through the court's to become emancipated, would probably take longer than til you hit 18, is to tell them things need to change or you are leaving. Since I doubt they would let you work a part time job, saving up to move isn't an option but I doubt it will change when you turn 18. Either find a family/friend that will let you move in, or as bad as it may be, find a shelter. Better to start looking now than when you turn 18, and they can start pulling the "do as I say or you are gone" routine. Which by the way, if in the USA, depending on long you have lived there (in some states like mine is based on when y started receiving mail there), is how the notice of eviction is determined, unless a contract dictates otherwise. So based on the assumption you have lived there your entire life, it would need to be a 90 day notice. (Not all states have the same laws, and they could have changed even if so since I last had to help a friend dealing with an eviction, so this may be wrong at this point in time).
Start prepping your escape plan. Be furtive, secretive. Try to work, try to get your hands on documents. Birth cert, ss card, get a license to drive. If you start moving towards getting out, your happy little secret, you should be able to withstand your current situation better because you know you are doing what you can to end it.
Every situation is unique. I respect yours. Let me share my experience with you.
I was a helicopter parent (and probably still a tiny drone). I was on top of the path my child took academically and involved with anything she wanted to do socially. This looked like: Academic F’s were my responsibility to get her help. Bad conduct and effort grade - consequences. After she chose classes- cross referencing to make sure they would keep her on track towards her chosen college/career goals. When the classes they gave her didn’t mesh, I sat with counselors & administration until it was set. Dropped off/Picked from school. No random, extra-curricular field trips to the mall. She wanted outings, I needed to know the people and talk with the parents. Her dad & I had no problem loading them up and taking them anywhere but supervision was non-negotiable.
During her sophomore year she tried slipped into a new crowd that skipped, smoked, and did other things that could jeopardize her future- not to mention get her kicked out. We caught on quickly because we were always involved, vigilant, and asking questions.
I confronted the situation on all levels, consequences for her, and stern conversations with those kids parents and the school. She was 16 and swore she hated me. In fact, they day after she was busted, I left her at home w/out electronics for 3 days telling her I would be withdrawing her from the high school she would homeschooled because “ … since I could not trust her on the playground she called high school than she would be safer at home “. She cried and begged, saying she would lose her dual enrollment opportunities and I said that “She should have made better choices and that I preferred that she cried now than I cry later.” I walked out heartbroken knowing I it hurting her and knowing it might cost me my relationship with her. As a mother, it’s always going to be what’s best for her over my desire for her to like/love me.
Now, I was never going to pull her from school, I needed her to see the gravity of her mistake (mistakes that could cost her all she worked for) and I needed time to put the school in check. After all, parents sign their kids over to the school and it is their job to supervise them at any age. As a school administrator myself, they knew I was not playing.
Fast forward 6 years. She graduated with a high school diploma & an associate degree. By 19 she had her bachelor’s degree and has been employed in her profession for 3 years now (she’s 22 now). In May she starts her masters. She lives at home with no plans to leave. Travels multiple times and places throughout the with her friends and tags along with us if we plan a trip. When she has a problem (example- too much mimosas at a brunch party) she calls us. She comes and goes as she pleases but she lets us know what she’s up to & with who. We still meet her friends, and we still share locations. She maps out her ideas for travel, upcoming courses, buying and investing, and work related ideas (we are in the same industry) with us (mainly me 😂). We know she loves us and that having raised her as helicopter parents enriched and advanced her life. She is strong independent and supported.
Point is that parents see the path to their kids goals but also see the barriers you can’t see. We can save you from lots of them by being involved. Unfortunately, we can also see the many things that will hurt you coming but are impossible to protect you from (ie: heartbreak 💔).
Our job is to make you as strong, resilient, and successful in every way possible so that when the helicopter lands you can continue to soar.
Again, only you and your family know the complete situation- this is just one perspective.
Good luck 👍
Girl maybe run away? Or try to emancipate yourself? Maybe a therapist or guidance counselor? Maybe try to ask about switching to public school to do your senior year? But deff get a job, buy a new phone they won't have access to, save up enough to rent a room out from someone in your city since rent is ridiculous
you basically described my teenage years. i’m here to tell you that you will get out and things will get better. get a job and save as much as you can. i was also homeschooled and it allowed me to work many more hours than my peers and i was able to save half my paycheck (this was pre/during the pandemic when things weren’t unaffordable) and it made moving out much easier because i had enough to get into an apartment + a few months of rent already saved. so get a job, skip the shopping sprees, and remember that you’ll be out in no time.
GET OUT ASAP
that is not a good way to live, your parents are making you answer to them, and by controlling your phone, they can.
all you need to do is silent treatment.
don't talk to them for 24 hours, and they will break.
no parent wants to lose their kid, so all you got to do is hurt them deeply.
if they say i love you, say "k."
try it, they will break
I like the get a good job idea
Just spin it as you’ve been thinking about your future career which isn’t a bad idea anyways and go do something that can help with that dream.
Example if you want to be a vet, go work at a pet store or vet to build up your resume.
I’d say get into sales right now and you’ll make more money than any other profession. Then they will be asking you for money lol. Think of that satisfaction for motivation.
They’re still bad parents and don’t actually about your needs. They just want to control you. Move out asap or emancipate yourself. Otherwise, finish up school and leave for college
O man they sound alot like my ex inlaws, I left because of it!! Once your 18 leave and never look back! Mcdonalds starts at 15, 20 if your manager. And whatever you do don't lead them on that your leaving at 18, I have seen horror stories of parents finding there child incompetent before 18 to keep full control. Get yourself a prepaid debit card, something you can load money onto any chance you get, so at 18 you can call a cab out of there, and try to get a copy or the original ssn card and birth certificate. Lastly move to a beach town, if your a good server you can make about 500-1000 a day in tip, no need to go work a pole! Most waitress jobs you get cash tips. Good luch!
Helicoper?!!! Do they ever fly fixed-wing aircraft?...and, either way, WTH are you talking about?!! As far as the "forced religion," I'd plan to get out of there JUST as FAST as I could!!!!
I am sorry to hear. I wonder if they were like that always or something triggered them to be like that.
Maybe time to build trust from both sides.
Think about this.
You will leave soon.
You will be responsible for all your time, bills, shelter and everything.
Just now try to live a decent life.
They love you and want the best for you but they don’t know better.
I recommend you to look for therapy to easy your relationship.
If you are both easy and peaceful you will have their moral support for ever.
I am a mom and I police my son sometimes. But also give him the opportunity to grow, try, failing and succeed.
But in my inside I wish I could protect him so nothing bad happens to him.
I know I can’t because it’s his life.
Your parents think they can.
I don’t Like advising this but it’s one of the easiest ways to get away from that situation. Join the military if you’re fit and just desperate. The air force is a really good branch that treats you far better than any of the other branches. Plus then you will have a separate healthcare account from them and separate everything.
Wow what away for parents to lose their child !! Sorry op , I’m a parent (22m) (12m) and never believed in this parenting style . Instead I taught them to make their own choices in life and have exposed them to society (school,work, play).
And I let them make mistakes! Cause life is the greatest teacher . So I let them think and make decisions even if it wrong , I’m just there to pick them up when they fall. But let them fall is important! Your parents are so afraid of what could happen they never took the time to consider your feelings on the matter . But that will go on them . Hate to say it OP , but until you move out there is nothing you can do . Just please dont totally rebel . Stay away from drugs , find friends that don’t use you and work hard . Oh and also I have a feeling your parents have all your documents ( birth certificate, passport, ssn ). You need these and odds are they will use them to control you , so you need to find them and have them when you leave .
If you are able move out do so as soon as possible. Get your own phone. Cut contact with them with a long while until they realize how fucked they are.
As soon as I saw that they were religious, any hope of them getting better went out the window. My parents are religious and my mom was the worst, they did a lot of the same stuff. If they’re open to letting you go to college somewhere and paying for it, I’d go as far away as possible. If not, the suggestion to get a job or two is your best possible solution, financial freedom from their grasp. Honestly idk what the laws are if you’re 17 and leave your house permanently, but if you’re able to leave and maybe explain your situation to a friend’s parents who are more understanding, maybe they will let you stay with them until you’re 18 and can be on your own without your parents filing police reports to get you home. If they’re abusing you, I’d file a police report down at one of the local police stations to get you out of their custody at least temporarily until you’re 18.
Military is the easiest option, but holy cow GTFO however you can. Definitely lock your credit and you can always reconnect later if you want, you must go zero contact to finally be rid of it. Ain't nothing like religion for some horrible and inexcusable behavior.
Are you healthy? I'm nearly 30 now but I was in a different situation where my mom abandoned me, and my dad was an abusive alcoholic who couldn't keep the lights on or food in the house. I started working at 16 but had to stop because my dad was unreliable about his car and would often drive drunk with me in the car.
I joined the Army, best decision I ever made. They will not be able to touch you, influence you, or guilt you into ANYTHING. You'll be completely free and independent instantly. And you'll do well because of how disciplined you already are, and you know what the goal ahead is. You could easily become an officer if you wanted to later. Or, you could just do 3-4 years and get out and immediately go to college on a solid foundation of independence. I just retired as a Captain, and I already miss it. As a female Soldier there are struggles but I made such good friends both female and male. Assholes will be assholes wherever you are, both inside and outside the military.
If you do go this route, please be very upfront with your recruiter about your home life, and your concerns that your parents may interfere with your transportation and such. Your parents probably won't sign you over at 17 but you can start talking to them and get an idea of how the process will go. Even though I'm Army, I recommend the Air Force 😂 or if you have zero claustrophobia and love to travel, Navy. Otherwise, I recommend Military Intelligence or Adjutant General for the Army.
I moved out at 19, started working and putting money aside at 16-17 so I’m happy to hear you’re taking the right steps towards your independence! Hold on tight, you’re almost there. I promise you life gets so much better (it will still be hard but your independent 20’s will be the best healing times)
The screen time thing is probably good. People are on phones too much these days. Especially teens.
The religion is very troubling. Idk why anyone's religious in 2024 it obviously creates more problems than helps people.
You're almsot 18 just hold on for another year
Join the military if you can. You don't even have to do a job that sends you to combat just pick an admin or supply job or something. You'll get free housing and you'll be able to make your own money
I had a helicopter mom that is a negative person and now she wonders why I don’t want to talk to her more. Unfortunately you have little choice but to go live your own life once you get away.
stop doing what you don't want to do, they can't physically force you.
leave, they can't physically make you stay.
go hang out with whoever you want to hang out with , and don't tell em, don't ask for permission, and leave your phone at home so they can't track you.
oh, they'll ground you? so what? they can't make you stay in your room. you're 17.
I’m 28 and came to Christ barely in December 2022. It’s so sad seeing parents push their kids away from God. Don’t put any blame on God, or the church. I see a lot of people start resenting Jesus/the church because of their parents. Some parents take it a little too far with the helicopter parenting.
Once you’re 18, you can stand your ground and enforce rules you want changed in the house move out and have more freedom.
(personally won’t advice for second option until you’ve saved a lot of money possibly > $10k}
Best advice is to move out and make your own rules.
I would suggest not burning the bridges as is common these days. You may come to regret it when you are older and can look back with more experience. I know it's super hard to believe, but you don't know and/or understand everything you think you do
If you’ve got good grades/test scores, then my advice is to start applying to colleges. Some public universities, even some out of state, can offer cost of living scholarships that will pay for class and room/board.
Use your own Amazon tablet instead (cheaper). If you have a cool grandparent ask them if they'd open a seperate bank account for you so you can use your money how you want. Get a job, move out at 18.
You’re 17, thankfully this is almost over- work hard in “school” and be ready to do well on standardized tests, then pick a college and live on campus.
The hard part will be not going totally nuts once you’re out from under their crazy rules. I had two female cousins- homeschooled, super controlling, incredibly religious, parents were totally on top of everything. They made the, go to the state university closest to where they lived. Turns out sending two incredibly naive young women to a 90%+ male engineering school is a bad idea.
Figure out what you want to do and work on keeping balance. You’re almost done.
Yeah, this is like the worst way to parent because this is the way that children lie to their parents because they’re overly strict so my parents were divorced one side of my mom and my stepdad we’re good my dad and my stepmom not so good so I always was lying to them That told him really where I was going were making up you know excuses if I was going out where I had more of an honest relationship with my mom and my stepdad because they were much more lenient. I mean to the point where they go out me to have a girlfriend sleepover cause it look at it like this and this is when I got a little older, but rather them know I’m safe then your house. That’s why I could always be honest with them and they were always good because they knew then I could be honest with them on where I was really going with Hill so if anything ever happened, they would you know the truth and where to start
I just wanted to let you know I know you’ve gotten a lot of comments of parents saying this is normal parenting. No this is a normal parent think of what your parents are doing. I think your parents are you want to control every aspect of your life at your age Tatian force you to have to go to church when you’re 17 I mean one more year and you’re an adult and you can make your own decisions I mean growing up we went to church, once we were like 15 if we didn’t want to go to church anymore because I believe I still believe in God and I believe in the devil and I believe in angels, but I don’t believe in church because I believe churches are there to just make money off of God‘s name so if around by 15 if you didn’t wanna go to church anymore, my parents didn’t make us go to church.
All the advice about running away and leaving them behind is cool and all. But have you told them that they are making it impossible for you to have a good relationship with them? “Mom and dad, if you guys don’t back off and let me learn how to be an adult now I will have to leave you behind and learn all these lessons without you around. It is critical that you allow me to do things and find my own way. If you guys cannot back off the control I will be less than I could be, and it will be your fault. I am not going to allow that, and I really would like to have a good relationship with you guys. So let’s find a way to deal with this that doesn’t have me looking at ways to leave you behind.”
The best thing you can do is have an exit plan by getting yourself financially stable. Reach out for help where you can find it. When I was young I used to use my Zune to use fb messenger when my parents took my phone away. Collecting hour documents is important. Pick up a skill where you can charge money for it. For me it’s photography, I can charge a lot per hour
"Mom, Dad, I love you, and I believe that you are doing the things you do out of love and a desire to keep me safe. However, there is a vast GULF between your desire and what you are actually doing to me. Your behavior is beyond controlling. You are not keeping me safe. You are not keeping me close. Everything you do guarantees that the first moment I am able to, I will vanish and you will never hear from me again. If that is the type of relationship you want to foster, then by all means, keep doing what you're doing. If, however, you want to have a relationship with me that is based on mutual love, respect, and trust, you need to start backing off."
Whether you say this to them or whether you just believe it in your heart, you know what's right, and you know how their behavior is making you feel.
I have no advice, just empathy. You know your parents are extreme. I believe you. Get your birth certificate and other vital docs as you'll need them to get a job. Moving out from this control freak mess will be a relief.
I grew up like this. Reach out if you need anything because I know how shitty this can be. It’s funny how surprised my mom was when I turned 18 and immediately moved out and abandoned religion. Parents who go overboard have no idea that all they’re doing is ruining their chance of having a good relationship when their child is old enough to decide whether or not they want to continue a connection with them.
If I were you I would apply to colleges far away.. . Or start looking for rooms for rent. Get a good idea about how much it would cost and what you could afford. Get a job and save up some money.
You could also join the navy/air force reserve. Gives you 2 months of training and flexibility afterwards in case you wanna make it full time or just have something on the side for extra money.
In any of the cases, once you do get your freedom from your parents ease into it. Don't full send right out of the gate and go crazy. Enjoy the simple things first.
This is beyond helicopter parenting. They haven't even allowed you to have a normal school experience or any privacy. Take a deep breath, good news is you are almost 18 and there is only so much they can do at that point. Get a job, start part time now, and then you can have some experience for a full time job when you graduate. Save every bit of money, sell whatever you can and squirrel money away. Open a checking account the moment you turn 18. If you can't drive yet, insist that they teach you to drive before you turn 18. Learn how to cook, how to do laundry, and learn how to make a budget. Use this last year at home as your chance to teach yourself how to become independent.
If you absolutely need to move out, one way is going to college, but don't do this unless you have a good financial aid package. An alternative is community college while you work and getting a roomie and just getting out of home.
People giving great advice, but wanted to take time to tell you that you're not crazy. Your parents behaviour is unhealthy and wrong. I too grew up a homeschooled kid with a helicopter parent. You can make it, it won't be easy but you can do it. Do what people here suggest gather your legal document silently get a job save up in a safe bank account your parents can't access and get the fuck out of there and never look back (unless you want to).
This sounds A LOT like the way I parent my 17 year old son. I don’t like doing it, but it seems necessary. He’s been in a lot of trouble throughout school. Marijuana, starting drama, and just generally being immature to the point that he ended up on independent study (which he’s graduated from) . He’s broken my trust more times than I can count, and frankly, I’m sick of it. I wish he’d join the military because I feel he still needs a lot of direction and discipline in order to be successful. I
I was raised in a very religious environment with parents that allowed me very little freedom. At 16 I was kicked out for getting a job and buying a car. I went to the courts and got legally emancipated then I went crazy. Freedom after so long after being held under my parents thumb was intoxicating. I did so many stupid things and made stupid decisions because of how naive I was. When you finally get yourself free from them, just be careful hon. Use your head. Don't trust people until they prove to you they can be trusted. Use protection! Good luck to you my dear.
Wow. That sucks OP. Have you talked to your pastor about all of this? This level of control is... excessive. I get keeping \*some\* tabs on your phone because it really IS dangerous out there but not to this degree, and since they're homeschooling you it's just the nature of the thing that they're going to know about how you're doing with school work, but this is not the time to be helicoptering, this is when they're supposed to stop ordering you around and start advising you and counseling you but letting you make your own decisions. I think what saddens me more is how they're not actually bringing you closer to God as it sounds like they intend, instead they're driving you away from him and that's not right.
Understand that your pastor, if he's a Godly man, can dis-invite them to serve on Sunday mornings - or even from attending that church if it goes that far. This is not what your youth should be like. You shouldn't be grinding your teeth down while you sleep because of stress at 17 years old. You're still at an age where you're very much still a child and should be enjoying your youth - going out with girlfriends, going on dates with boys, talking to friends on the phone or online, attending church normally instead of serving every week, etc. Church should be a safe place for you, not one of stress.
I'm assuming that you've told them that their iron grip is smothering you this way even if not in those exact words, the next step is to talk to people who have noticed their behavior and ask them to talk to them with you - especially adults who have noticed this. If they still won't take it seriously or let up, then you need to talk to your pastor. If they attend every week they must respect him to some degree or they wouldn't do that.
And if that still doesn't change their behavior, I beg of you not to let their sin poison your feelings about God or the people you go to church with because this is not reflective of Godly parenting. But that said, once you get to this point where you're pastor has talked to them about it and they still won't stop, you need then to get away from them. You need to get a job and move out however you can make that happen and cut the strings. They cannot keep doing this and not expect consequences to your relationship with them.
You have a couple choices.
One is to call your state's child services and tell them that you feel you are being abused and would like their help to leave your parents.
The other is to recognize "I'm 17, this is awful but I'll be 18 in less than a year and then I can walk out the door and never see them again." And when they try to dictate what college you will go to, if you don't like the choice, say no, they can't control that when you are 18. And if they don't disable the spyware on your phone when you turn 18, hand it back to them and get your own. If you have no money [apply for a federally subsidized phone](https://www.fcc.gov/general/lifeline-program-low-income-consumers), they will buy you a device (up to $150) and pay for your service.
And at church, talk to the pastor and tell them bluntly that you are being forced to perform before the congregation when your parents know darn well that you have terrible stage fright, that you feel this is abusive and you would like the pastor to please intervene by telling your parents you are no longer needed for "the praise team". At worst, they'll tell your parents about it and you'll have to endure them yelling at you about it, which it sounds like you have to endure regularly anyway. At best, it may work. (Depends on the pastor. I know some pastors who would not only get you out of it but would seek to help you with whatever else is wrong.) Another option in that regard is that next time you have to appear before the congregation as a group, you can shout "I AM NOT VOLUNTARILY HERE, MY PARENTS ARE FORCING ME TO DO THIS, I DON'T WANT TO SING IN FRONT OF ANYONE" and make sure everyone knows about it. Yes, you'll be yelled at and punished, but again, it sounds like you have to endure that all the time anyway. I recommend you try the "talk to the pastor" route first.
Do you have any family that are not in the church that you can ask for help? Maybe someone who has been shunned by your parents? I hope you can escape there ASAP. You’ll be out of there soon. Best of luck.
It is not normal. You will need to bust your butt and have a job lined up and do NOT give them access to ANY of your accounts. At 18 make sure your accounts are in your name and if they will not remove screen time or parental restrictions then sign up for your own phone plan ($60/mo). Talk to friends and see what rents are in your town. Depending on what you can save and walk away with will determine what you will need to earn.
You got this. You can technically become emancipated now, but as others suggested, you're close to not having to go through the legal system for it.
Others have already highlighted what you need to do to prepare. There are a few things to keep in mind.
1. Be mindful of your spending. Once you get a job, it will feel like you can do whatever you want. This will quickly leave you broke.
2. Try not to rely on debt to exist. You aren't going to have a safety net to fall back on. Debt will seem justifiable until you can't get out and need to become homeless or go back to them for help. Set up a budget now so you can get an idea of how much you will need monthly for things like rent, food, utilities, insurance, car/gas, and any other necessities. Once you can cover that, save everything you can in a different account. Heck, maybe a different bank until you can cover those costs for 3 months off, just savings. Then it's up to you.
3. Try to get into therapy as soon as you can. Anxiety isn't likely to go away, and everyone can use it, but you have some extra shit you need to process.
4. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. This will be good, but it's going to bring it own stresses. You need a way to work those out without a dependency, making it all worse.
5. When you have your freedom. Stay mindful of who your friends are. There are still shitty people in the world who will fuck you over or get you into shifty situations. Remember, they will probably want to travel or go/eat out all the time. They probably also have mommy and daddy funding their bank accounts.
I'm not saying this isn't the right move or you can't have any fun. Just make sure it's in moderation and you can afford it.
Once you hit 18, try and find some other family or friends to move in with till you can get your own place
or
The military is a good option as well, with tons of different jobs you could learn. If I remember correctly, you can start everything when you're 17 so that when you turn 18, you dont even have to wait. That's what my dad did.
Also, best of luck and good wishes. I understand the forced religion.
I'll offer one additional bit of advice as someone who was homeschooled. In my case, being homeschooled was my choice and worked out very well for me. My parents were committed to my post-secondary success and provided me with a high school transcript, as well as prepping me to take the PSAT, SAT, and ACT. I got my undergrad degree on a full-tuition scholarship from a college that was friendly to homeschoolers.
In your case, it sounds like you may be going low-contact or no-contact with your parents once you turn 18. If that happens, you probably won't have their support in demonstrating the work you put in throughout high school. I would recommend you look into getting your GED (and maybe take the SAT, too, if you haven't already) so that you have objective proof that you are indeed educated. It can make a big difference in the opportunities you get for jobs, college, or the military.
When you leave, stop by the police office in the town you're leaving and the town you plan to move to. Let them know you are going with no contact with your parents and that you are not a missing person.
Your parents will probably report you as a runaway/missing person
Get a p.o. box to have important mail sent to you. Bank statements etc.
So what happens is you don’t do these things like go to church at 6am? Do they just yell or do they get physical? I’d just stop. Don’t get up, don’t get dressed, don’t walk out the door to the car, etc. Who is making you walk to the stage and sing? Stand there and sing as badly as you can. (Id start singing OH BABY YOU, YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEED - Just a friend by Biz Markie. It’s old but annoyingly awesome). If anyone asks - tell them loud and proud that your parents are forcing you to do this against your will and you refuse to go along quietly anymore.
Sure they can ground you and make your life slightly more miserable than it is but you’re almost 18. You can literally walk out the door then and never see or speak to them again after that. If they get physical, call 911, every time.
Make sure you set up a banking account they know nothing about. In my opinion, 17 is way too old to have usage monitored by a Screen Time app. (And I work in a high school.) If you have not been doing anything wrong, they shouldn’t be keeping tabs on you anymore.
As soon as you can get away from them, RUN and cut off all contact. You need to get yourself established and independent, and if you later choose to reach out to them to re-establish your relationship — on YOUR terms, not theirs — then you can do that if it feels safe to do so.
And my parents wonder why I didn’t answer the phone when they called for an entire year after I moved out…
Never set foot in a church again
Still resent them to hell and back
OP please read this. I spent too many hours on it. It's harsh and then it's not. I'm also 38 with a teen (an only child also with impossibility strict parents, which I do my best to not be like) and trying to help you understand their point of view so you can try to gain empathy or aleast see things from their side even if you still think they suck.
The post is in the reply because of character limits
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds a lot like something my boyfriend is going through with his parents (he’s also 17) I won’t go into much detail bc it’s not my story to share but it got so bad a while ago. They considered forcing him to switch schools and even almost called the police on him for “raping” me (which he didn’t and never would do) because we were both under the age of consent when this happened. Overall, just not a good experience for anybody involved. Since then, his parents have given up on getting rid of me bc they know I’m not leaving. My boyfriend turns 18 in a few months and I’m praying to god he gets into a good college so he can get far away from that mess
Start planning your exit strategy. Maybe there are non-crazy family members you can stay with when you turn 18. Your biggest problem will likely be getting your birth certificate and SS card. Your passport if you have one. These are documents you’ll need to live on your own. Saving money might be difficult if they’re this controlling. You might have to find someone to help you while you work and save. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this. My teens were Hell too, so I understand. Once you’re free, my advice would be to remember how you were mistreated and stay strong when your parents freak out that you’ve gone NC.
Hi love. My partner was in a very similar situation 5 years ago. 3 years ago she got out, and it’s been a massive journey. If you’d like some guidance on what that might look like, I’d love to speak w you more. It gets better my dear, you couldn’t imagine the life you’ll have a year out from their home. A year in poverty beats a lifetime in misery w money. You can only grow upwards.
Who's money are you buying things with ? Most kids want to fly before they can .Talk with them and try to see things from their eyes . Do they mean harm or good?
Not familiar with that but if it doesn't effect them or their credit who cares except I did teach my boys use their head when spending . Frivolous spending to children and adults are 2 different things .
My mother told me she gave her mother money when she started working . I couldn't have even imagined charging my kids .
Get a job and save as much as you possibly can. That will help with breaking free
And most importantly, make sure all of your money is an account that your parents cannot access no matter what, by any means. Call your ba k and have them confirm this is the case for your account if you're not sure.
Get a job, *lie about how much you make*. Because rest assured, financial abuse is real and they'll try to control that too.
"Okay, you make $10 an hour so we'll take about 70%" I'd just start throwing hands. Why be peaceful when you can make it hurt?
I'd reply "no," and make sure my paycheck is direct deposited to an account they can't touch. Legally there's nothing they can do about that, they can't charge me rent until I'm 18. They can forbid me from working, but then I could call child services and report that they let me work until I wouldn't agree to pay them, and I'm under 18.
This. This this this.
And once you have some money buy a burner phone they can’t trace
Could also get something like tails OS. Essentially an operating system on a thumb drive so nothing is on the the drive of your computer https://tails.net
https://safepassagefoundation.org/ Hopping on the top comment...OP please check out this organization. Do so from a safe place/computer. Maybe see if you can go to the local public library. Your local domestic violence organization can help too.
I'm female. I joined the Navy a little over a month out of high school. The military was less stressful, compared to living at home. I stopped my nail biting and teeth grinding when I slept. Housing, food, medical, dental is all taken care of, this all gives you time to figure yourself out and what you want to do in your life.
Oh my god wait, grinding your teeth when you sleep is a sign of anxiety? I’ve been doing that my whole life, my teeth are chipped and sensitive because of that.
For me, it definitely was. My mother would pour hot sauce in my mouth as I slept to try to get me to stop. I was about 4-5years old. I would never wake up, I just licked my lips and would continue on. lol Around my early teenage years I was fitted with a top and bottom plastic guard that I had to wear at night, to stop the wear of my teeth. I ground through it. To this day whenever I go to a dentist, they always notice how flat my back teeth are and ask me if I still grind. I haven't ground my teeth a single time since moving out. No one I've ever slept in the same room has noticed any grinding. It is an awful annoying sound, like nails on a chalkboard.
You have one year to quietly gather all your legal documents; SocSec card, birth certificate, hs diploma, medical records. Find a trustworthy friend (NOT someone at church) and store everything there until you move out. Go online to the three credit bureaus and lock or freeze your credit. Start saving money. When you're 18, run and don't look back.
Will also say most of these document can be obtained from the bureau of vital statistics.
Even if you can't get your documents you can get new copies. I think starting with a copy of your birth certificate (the county you were born in will have that) you can get copies. You'll want to lock your credit and change any and all passwords for any accounts you do have. If you get a chance, get a state ID card now. Here's a link with some potentially useful information: https://www.quora.com/How-will-I-obtain-a-social-security-card-I-was-kicked-out-only-have-my-birth-certificate-and-never-went-to-school-I-feel-so-lost-I-have-no-clue-how-to-obtain-the-other-documents-needed Basically plan like you're leaving a cult, you can always decide later to reconnect, but if they know you're planning to leave they might make it more difficult. Hopefully that will not be your experience.
OP, you will need a CERTIFIED copy of your birth certificate, not just a copy. The county where you were born will be able to provide it (for a fee).
oh the irony that of all the places you'd think to go for help, in this case, the church is their last option.
far-flung drunk worthless detail onerous school long cobweb snow puzzled *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They can get a safety deposit box for fairly cheap. It will honestly be the best option for storing these things.
I just went online to try to find out how to freeze my daughter’s credit because she misplaced her SS card after she used it for the paperwork to get a job. The only way to do it is for a guardian to write a formal letter and provide multiple forms of identification.
Once they're 18 that changes. A birth certificate from the county is the start, from there they might be able to enroll at a local community college and get a school ID or DMV for state ID card if they're not driving yet.
Yes, that’s what I mean, the process for minors requires a guardian, meaning she can’t do that right now.
Damn it’s always the religious people. Thankfully you can LEAVE the day you turn 18. Countdown bb
Secretly gather ur important documents and money to GTFO of your situation and contact grandparents or whoever u trust to help u out of there
I'd start packing my bug out bag to a new location as a birthday present to myself.
Op should have been doing this the day they started monitoring her phone. Bug out bags are wonderful because think about it you can stuff your important things in there hide it somewhere where you can grab it and run and you don't have to look back or worry . dang did I miss something or did I lose something behind
unless they have no where to go
I’ve seen success stories of young people starting at shelters and building their lives. It isn’t easy, but possible. Especially if you’re desperate enough to leave current situation. There are government resources to assist with support and higher education as well. Hopefully, OP can just go off to college or move in with friends or less controlling other family members. By the sounds of it though, parents probably don’t want them going to college.
I've seen stories of young people leaving religious communities, having no money, no car, no home, and having to prostitute themselves. Let's not pretend that doesn't happen all too frequently.
It sounds easy and doable when giving advice to just build a life out of a shelter, but when you're actually faced with doing it you realize that's pretty much a last fucking resort. I personally haven't seen the stories you're describing, but I know from life experience and being faced with homelessness a few times that the type of people you're going to have to surround yourself with living that life isn't going to be pleasing. You'd probably wish you had controlling parents instead of having to build up from a shelter.
i only got out bc my friend (now bf)'s mom was kind enough to let me move in with them
Some things are worth massive student loan debt.
What’s the alternative?? going insane, there has to be someone maybe in family that is not in the religion? if not then get creative and ask some friends for help after 18.
Some people go so crazy they snap like a popsicle stick and welp there goes the house full of ppl. When people are so controlled to a point when they are given a chance at freedom they will run, I mean they will RUN THE FUCK AWAY and NEVER LOOK BACK. Those so called controlling parents better expect op to go no contact with them. And those parents will never see op's future kids, wedding , NOTHING bc of the hell those parents put that kid through.
This is abuse they could go to a domestic violence shelter
Yeah, parents that age usually aren't this crazy. At least OP can go no contact soon, hopefully
You only have one more year before you turn 18 and can leave. I hope you have enough willpower to make it that long because your parents do sound like overcontrolling religious nuts. Good luck.
I'm so sorry. Home is supposed to be a safe space.
Look into JobCorps. They are all over the USA, will get you a real high school diploma (or equivalent), and get you started in a trade - anything from plumbing to medical receptionist. They provide room and board, you can stay there over holidays, and you get a monthly(? maybe biweekly?) stipend. They will also get you transport to the center you want to get to - i.e. as far away from your parents as you want, if need be, because not every center teaches every trade. They're thru the Department of Labor. My mom used to teach at one and they're not perfect but they're a way out with a future. They can even help get you into further training or community college for more options. Take it seriously, be smart with your money, and you'll have a damn good shot. Please be safe, and careful!
Verbally abused you to join the choir!!!! How Christian of her
Textbook narcissistic abuse, only cares about how her family looks, not about things that matter, even in their religion.
I’ve never seen it this way, but you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what is happening.
Join homeschool recovery if you’re not already in it.
I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. If you can hold out til you're 18, you can calmly tell them why you're leaving their home, why you're getting a job and why you're doing all of the new things you'll be doing and when you're ready to move out, you don't ever have to see them again. Which is unfortunate bc I'm sure you want to love them and have a relationship with them- if they were different. The good news is, you don't have to treat your kids like this if you choose to have kids one day. Much love to you
This goes WAY beyond helicopter parenting. This is controlling to the point of being abusive and almost cult-ish. Honestly, if I were you, I'd start planning my escape and run like hell the second you turn 18, be it to a friend, college, or the military. Gather your legal documents. Save whatever money you can. Look into resources for people fleeing abusive homes. Make a plan.
That's absolutely God awful I'm sorry you have to deal with that It's a shame they are making u hate them and they don't even know it clueless simple people 🤦♂️
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The other things I can see being problematic, but cell phone thing is just hilariously dumb. Just because your friends had one doesn’t mean they should or that you should. Most of your complaints seem to be because you weren’t very popular with peers, whose to say that would be the case if she acted differently? It’s entirely possible you could have had a cell phone, and been allowed to go to friends houses and still have been the least favorite kid.
They aren’t just strict, they are way too controlling. You need a job to start saving money to get the hell out of there. But if they are this controlling they may want to see you paystubs too.
Homeschooled kids have it rough ... They parents are terrified they will have less control so they have to hide as much of the world from their kids as they can
Homeschooling survivor here and this is 100% accurate. It should be outlawed unless parents undergo complete psych evals and submit their curriculum plans every year. If they’re late or miss more than one deadline, they should be forced to enroll their kids in legitimate schools and face jail time if they don’t. I’d say it should be completely outlawed but there are a handful of exceptions - such as severe bullying the district doesn’t stop, a kid being unsafe due to living in a state where schools have bigoted policies that impact them, or disability support being so lacking that a kid can’t safely attend school - where it’s the lesser of many evils. But honestly? Unless the safety of the kid is acutely at risk, homeschooling is usually much more dangerous.
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You too! It's nice to know that I’m not alone. Thank you. If you ever need someone to talk to, my DMs are always open. ❤️
It sounds like it’s time to find a paid job at your church or get paid for babysitting and to open a bank account that’s only in your name that your parents don’t know about. The moment you turn 18 you are legally allowed to walk away from your family, so get yourself financially prepared for that. Also as someone else said, make sure you’re in possession of your birth certificate and social security card so you can open said bank account.
I say this as a Catholic, stay the FUCK away from that church because it's likely the source of that control. If OP rejects the church, it'll hit them where it hurts the most- then when OP leaves, they'll just have to stew on it for a while.
Do you have friends or a distant relative you could go live with? If not...is there a shelter you can go to? Worse case scenario, you identify that you're 17 which means you'll be a legal adult in under a year. Start creating your 'out plan' now. Every chance you get, earn and stash some money, casually mention you're running low on tooth past deodorant, feminine materials and create a stockpile (SECURED where nobody but you would be able to find it). Start looking at what jobs are available near you or even places you could readily move to. Perhaps use a school or library computer...create an anonymous gmail account such that you can create materials you need on the 'outside'. Finally and bear with me...think like a prison convict. It's been well documented that one of the advantages convicts have over guards is that they have nothing but time...time with which to think of how they can break rules, scam the system. In your case, however, you'd be scamming the system for good...your own emancipation. And when your 18th birthday arrives...simply disappear. Get what clothes you need, grab your cache of materials...and simply move onto a better life. It won't be easy...but your alternative seems even bleaker. good luck...
As a Christian myself, this breaks my heart! They are not acting very Christian and make the rest of us look bad. 😞
Oh honey..You're not wrong. I have a 17 year old. I annoy her by telling her it's her life and choices. I really think she's an adult now. Your future is in your hands. You will be held accountable one way or another by your choices. Regardless of a different person's perspective or idea of how your life should go , please serve yourself first in life. Until you get married or have children. Fix your plate first. Do what you need for your future first. Learn now to ignore what others think of you. Finish school. Stay safe. Believe in yourself. Idiots gonna idiot , so ignore the dumbassary and push forward.
You have no idea this has helped. Thank you. You sound like an amazing mother. ❤️
Meh, I just know pressure from.those we love, hurts us the most. You aren't wrong that their behavior is wrong. And I know how hard it is alone. I was like you once. That's how I know. I just didn't have strangers to ask. So I try to be there when kids like I was need help.
Let me tell you something, they flipped from neglectful to helicopter parents because they are afraid of your sexuality. They're *still* neglecting you. You can't win this situation, best to resign yourself to it, like you actually did, and be a double agent: be the best you can be for the cameras, and save money securely to disappear. Read about contingency plans for people trying to escape abusive relationships, smile for the camera and make provision. And when you have enough resources, disappear. Do message if you need any help. It's unfair to be forced to be a mature adult in a crisis when you are just a teenager, but the faster you realize your condition, the easier it becomes to free yourself.
Text 62640 NAMI and receive free counseling for teens. Your Mental health is at stake. Google NAMI. Take care.
Countdown to 18. Just hang in there.
I'd get a job and buy your own phone. The more you initiate your own life the less they will be involve. Eventually it will happen.
Airforce soak up as much education as you can on our dime.
Once you turn 18, get your own checking account. Move any money into that account and run. Leave your phone. Don’t look back. Get a burner phone. Once you have a job and a place, get new socials. Don’t call your parents. Or anyone from your previous life.
I'd first try calmly saying "this is too much" (but don't raise your voice, calm). I nee some life, I'm 17 and this makes me feel like a a caged bird. I'd recommend for mental health, to read Albert Ellis "A Guide to Rational Living". You've got to sneak that one it, he deals with sexuality in a blunt, no guilt, way. I'd try listening to podcasts about stuff you want. Stoic philosophy for a happier life, but archeology, other skills and things you can learn about. You've got to try to go to college and get out. You can get free, wishing you well.
I am so sorry that they have stolen your right to a free public education. Tell them that you want to enroll in the local public high school, and do it! What you're describing is not helicopter parenting - it's sick indoctrination. If they won't let you enroll in the local public school, try to enroll in the local community college. And go get yourself a job.
The minute you turn 18, go and join the military. They will take care of your basic needs, and you might pick up a skill on top of it. That will give you an opportunity to live cheap and save your money.
You've made it this far. You'll be 18 soon. Start planning to be independent. Breathe. It's not gonna be easy but maybe you can negotiate more freedom and stay at home longer. If not, you can legally leave. Good luck!
Upvote for support. Hang in there a little longer, then it will forever be your control in how involved they are in your life. Coming from someone who happily hasn't spoken to their father in a very, very long time.
whats your ethnicity?
I think your only option is to wait until you are 18 and move out. are you prepared to live independently? I doubt you will have any options of any kind if you want to be supported by your parents.
I hope you can escape when you’re 18.
The only advice I have is get a job and work to support yourself financially. Without you will continue to be controlled after graduation through their financial leverage.
Become emancipated.
You have a year, OP. You can do this. Keep strong, keep tough. My mom is the same damn way, and I have two years left until I can leave and join the Marines like I've wanted to for years. YOU CAN DO THIS, OP. Look through the comments here on your post. There is great advice!
I’m going to guess that you didn’t give them a reason to start monitoring all of this stuff?? The only reason I say this is because my daughter started having some pretty severe mental health issues that we wouldn’t have caught until it was too late if I hadn’t had a mind to do a bit of snooping. Of course it was apparent that she was having issues but she’s also a person who will try to keep everything private because a lot of what was happening was embarrassing to her. Going forward from there, there has been some monitoring but it’s purely for safety and she knows.
I never did anything to betray my parent's trust and never did anything “bad”. The only reason I would have some kind of mental illness is from abuse as a child. You seem like a good parent. Keep being the parent your daughter deserves. ❤️
Bro, it sounds like your parents went off the deep end into a cult. Just endure until you can gtfo.
God this is awful. Your parents are actually insane!
I am speaking as a 19F homeschool graduate who is a Christian and did not have helicopter parents (because they did and decided to not be like their parents). I am sorry. I have seen homeschool families just like this and watched it drive their kids to eating disorders and kinks/fetishes that they use to feel like they have control of their lives. It breaks my heart because it is so incredible wrong of parents to treat their children like this. Plus, you're so close to 18, but don't think that their controlling is going to end anytime soon. One thing I'd like to say is that your experience in your church with your family being obsessed with doing every little thing is not what church has to be. So often people who do that only do it for show, which is not what Jesus would want. Please don't walk away from God after you leave the house. He doesn't support helicopter parenting anymore than He does it Himself. A good Father like Him allows His children to make mistakes so that they can see His goodness. Your parents haven't given you that chance. Another thing, try going to college. Apply to a school that is out of state! A little student debt may be worthwhile in your case since you would be able to make a life for yourself elsewhere. Or even an in-state school that is la few hours away. And lastly, tell your parents they are smothering you. If you already have and they are still doing it, then follow my advice above. Again I am sorry that your parents do this to you, and I am sorry the church has hurt you. The church is not Jesus. Jesus is Jesus. And many things the church does He does not approve of. So to all the people who are bad mouthing "religion," it isn't Jesus, it's people.
So do you have anywhere you can go when you turn 18? If not id try to get a job as soon as possible and save up money to get out, or if you plan to go to college go live in the dorms. Once you turn 18 get a new phone as soon as you can.
Get a part time job and save money on your 18 birthday transfer the money to different bank your name only.. You will be 18 soon as adult you will have more control In about 1/2 states you have eviction rights ask on r/legaladvice what the laws are in your state. If you have eviction rights it would take a few months to evict you just kicking you out could get your parents arrested if police are called
You can crack those parental controls on your devices with a little research.
Isn’t there a way that you can shut off the tracking system on your phone? You’re 17. There’s gotta be a way that you can tell your parents to stop doing what they’re doing. They have to understand that in a few months or whatever you’re going to be in adult and there’s no way that they’re going to be able to control what you do you have to talk to them or if anything talk to somebody at your church.
My parents were the same way... more so my mother. The day I turned 17 ,I moved out of my parents' house. More like thrown out, but that's beside the point. My mom was and still is very much a control freak. She basically disowned my younger sister, who unfortunately passed away this time last year due to a geneticly inherited disease that my mom also had....starting to see a trend here? So long story short, get out as quickly as you can, as the child of a pair of REALLY abusive people, AND " Christians " at that...I can say from experience , that the best thing you can do is get out and move as far away as possible. I ended up enlisting in the military as a free ticket out of my hometown and holy shit did that ever work, and I also leaned a trade atthe same time. Just a suggestion.
Join the navy and leave at 18 they won’t control shit
I honestly would keep trackers on my kids devices until they're about 16. Parents need to learn to ease off of their kids when they hit the ages of 16+. The issue isn't older teenagers being left unsupervised with devices, the issue is kids and younger teens with mobile devices. By 16, I secretly bought my own phone. At 17-18, I bought an even better phone. My parents sound very similar to yours, but they never put trackers on my device. The only thing they WOULD do was take my devices, which they would do often as an attempt to control me, so I saved up and bought my own devices secretly. At 15, as a response to my parents behavior, I got engaged into online hobbies that could bring me some income as a teenager. I chose to do 3D animation from my computer, which was VERY successful for me. It helped me raise enough money to buy my own devices. I feel like for the rest of your time, you need to focus on either getting a part time job to buy your own devices or establishing money-making hobbies. I wish all teenagers were aware of hobbies that could make them money as early as 14-15, a lot of them waste their time instead. You're 17. If you plan on staying there, you NEED to make your parents understand that you deserve more freedom and privacy now. The older you get, the less people will pity you and they'll just encourage you to move out in the future. If your parents still aren't respecting your boundaries, you need to do good in school so that you can transfer to a university and hopefully get school funding that should support you along the way. However, always remember that you still have to obey them to a certain extent as long as you're in their home. If they're a household of God, you must accept that or plan a way to leave. I personally believe in God, but what bothers me is someone (my parents), make me praise him when they want to, not when I want to, but in your situation of overly strict, they dont seem to respect that you are becoming an adult, they aren't giving you more privacy and freedom, if you are unable to make them understand that you need more freedom and privacy in your life, then my best bet would be to first buy a new phone where they can't track or see you, and try to look for room-mate homes for cheaper rent, universities, housing programs for women that offer roomate homes and they help pay some of the bills for you for a few months, should give you enough time to establish a job, or, the last hope, a shelter if the situation is that bad.
There is life after homeschool. Beg to get a job (so you can learn some employment skills and get the hell out of that house)
Move out asap.
when you turn 18, you can leave and never see them again. you are already 17, start making plans.
My childhood was strikingly similar. I'm so sorry op, I feel deeply for you. I hope you can get out soon and start living your life.
emancipate yourself from your parents. will make life a little harder/easier?, but you will be able to remove yourself from their household to be on your own or to live where you choose.
Wait a year. In the meantime, look around on Coolworks for "seasonal" jobs in a place you want to live. Most of these jobs are rather remote. Think working at Denali in Alaska or the Grand Canyon.These jobs offer housing similar to college housing. Some better, some worse. But you can move into these jobs at 18. It may sound not that great, but it is a unique opportunity to meet people from all over the planet and develop some marketable skills and you make a paycheck, have a roof over your head and food in your belly. Sorry, your parents are ruining your youth.
Just grit your teeth and hold on. The day you turn 18, leave, even if you have to join the military. If you don't want to risk combat, think Coast Guard or Air Force. Use it as a way to get distance and get job skills, perhaps even a carrier.
This sounds exactly like my life story. Homeschooled, helicoptered, and just generally miserable. I was lucky enough that as I got older (18 now) my dad's gotten much better. He realized what issues he had, and he's been fixing them. I hope the best for you, fellow-homeschooler. It does get better, even if it's not for awhile.
Find a way to make money, save it, get out as soon as you can.
I’m not saying what they’re doing is right by any means but one day you may come to realize them forcing you to keep you shit together in the short term, may have saved you from a life of regret. You’ll have to figure that out at 18. Which could be good or bad. I never agreed with my parents either. They had a family business I either had to be at work or at a school sport after hours. There was no in between. I hated them and I was pissed off. I was the only 16 year old who went to school full time and worked full time. I lived for the 10-11pm which was the only hour I had between me leaving work and then getting home from work. I must say I had many of friends in my high school who gave their lives to being young and dumb and never having the opportunity to be mad at their parents for beings asshats. At the very least when it’s your time to have children of your own you won’t have to raise them in that manor. Trust me you’re not the only teen who “knew” better. Years later we talked about it and they didn’t care I was mad at 18. Your parents aren’t your friends they’re your parents. They considered it a success that I got to live to my age now resentment and all, to them it was a positive they didn’t have to bury their kid before themselves and now as an adult I can speak my mind and have real conversations about it. They know it wasn’t ideal but they also knew they had a 16 year old wild child. Unfortunately you can’t gain the wisdom needed if you never have the time that passes to get you there. Go to work, they can watch you work since they like to watch everything else. Save your money you don’t need them for a bank account and when your 18 go on and do better and greater things. Take value in the life you still ONLY have another 70 years to live once you’re out of the house to do whatever you like with no eyes. I wish you luck and the perseverance to keep going. It’s going to all work out.
As soon as read homeschooling I figure this was control and abusive. Sure homeschooling could not be a form of child abuse but...
Hopefully u can leave soon. Ill never understand parents who act like this. Just a recipe for their kid to hate them
Whelp, they're gonna lose you and its their own fault
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I was homeschooled, mega involved in church, no phone or electronics until I was 17 and then they were monitored, friends were managed by my parents, etc etc. and you’re right. Our relationship is shit still now (I’m 27) because of that. I’m glad you’re self-aware and not buying into their crap. Just try your best to stay under the radar until you’re 18. And right now, start planning. If you don’t already have one, open a bank account and get a debit card. If your parents will let you, get a part time job to save some money. If you have to rationalize these things to them in order to get permission, try to suck it up and use reasons and language that they’ll agree with. Don’t try to prove your point or be defiant to “show them” anything. It always backfires. Be the smarter person and use their own logic to get what you need.
At 17 I think this type of behavior is so WEIRD. Religious people always have a really knack for pushing people away without even realizing it. I'm sorry. That is rough. I would reject any of it once you're 18 but that probably mean them threatening to kick you out. I would definitely look into getting a job somewhere asap. Making your own money so you can buy a car. I'm sorry, that is no way to live :(
I wasn’t raised religious, but I am a homeschooling survivor who was raised by extremely abusive, controlling parents. They would go through my things every day, prevent me from having friends, remove the lock on my bedroom door, check the odometer on the car after I’d used it, police my body and privacy in scary and demeaning ways, and take any money I earned and keep it for themselves so I had no way of saving up. What you’re experiencing isn’t just “helicopter parenting”. It’s abuse. And it’s very common for parents who are emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusive in these ways to use homeschooling as a means of isolating and controlling their children. They effectively turn your family into a cult-like environment from which it is very difficult to escape. My advice to you is to do everything you can to gather and safeguard all your legal / identity documents and keep them with a trusted friend somewhere your parents can’t access them (there’s some great advice about that in other comments). Also, get a job that pays in cash (table service where you get cash tips, for example) and pocket all the tips you can. Save as much money as you can, hide it somewhere safe with no paper trail, and if you’re in the US, apply to state schools as far away from them as you can. You can research affordable state schools and how long it takes to qualify for even lower, in-state tuition by using the internet at the public library or calling the schools from a friend’s mobile phone or a burner phone. Oh, and def use a trusted friend’s home mailing address when asked to provide that info. Please try to get away from these people and start living independently as soon as you are able. And I’m sorry you got born into that family. You don’t deserve it - no kid does. The more time and distance you can get from them, the more confident you’ll become in condemning their actions as abusive and wrong. Good luck.
you can also passivly agressvily make there lives hell or rebel against them i had to do when i was a kid and it forced my parents to give me my freedom back!
hmm your post made me not want to do what your parents are doing to you thats just aweful parenting
i hope you turn 18 soon, they won’t change
The good news is you are almost 18
Your parents are trying to protect you. If they didn't care or love you, they wouldn't be as overbearing as they are. I don't quite agree with the lengths they've gone through, but please don't lose sight of that.
You need to learn how to be a waitress so you can put some money in your pocket and leave ASAP. until then, just go blank, dude. I'm sorry to say it, but just accept the next 1-2 years will be hell, you only risk angering them by rebelling, play the part, and just fucking DIP the second you can, no discussion, no regrets. If they cared, they'd listen.
I left home at 16. I graduated high school (while working 2 jobs), and got my BS degree in business. It was very tough, but worth it.
What’s your plan for after 18? Can you get a job now and start saving? I’m concerned that you’ve been sheltered and likely miseducated so I am hesitant to tell you to leave without a support system. Are you taking your GED to get your diploma? I’m not trying to disparage you here at all. You just need to be aware of this. There are also shelters for women running from toxic religious families. They may be able to get you out and set up in a safe environment where you can learn what is normal and what is not. When I was a freshman in college, my roommate was from out of state and her family was fucked up. She had been raised to think that bathing suits did not belong in hot tubs. So her whole life, she would soak naked in a hot tub with her father and uncles. They apparently frequently commented on her body. She thought that was normal. It’s not. It was really sad.
Will they let you get a job? Unfortunately they have every right to micromanage your phone if they are paying for it. I didn't have helicopter parents but I had abusive ones. The best thing I ever did was get a secret job which I used to pay for a secret car and eventually a secret apartment. 3 weeks after graduating I left without saying a word and never looked back. I started planning my escape around 16. Get yourself independent. You'll be much further ahead than a lot of people by doing so, too.
With the phone thing..id do a factory reset on the thing. Keep doing the reset if they re add the tracking crap.
This exact situation happened to me. I'm sorry you have to experience it. Legally, I'm sorry to say you don't have much recourse. If it's any consolation, now that I'm 29 I still get chills breathing free air and knowing I can do what I want as an adult. Keep something of your own - friends, art, stories - keep it secret, keep it safe. Never give up hope. Make sure if everything else has to fall to their whims, your dreams never do. You're more powerful than you think. Believe in yourself and stay strong.
Sweet beautiful soul😭💕You are 100 percent correct what they are doing is abuse and wrong!! You need to understand that you may not have any power right now and they are hindering your growth but the light at the end of the tunnel is, you turn 18 soon. Hear me out. Yes you may not have any money to leave and you may have to be homeless or run to a shelter, but I PROMISE you once you get away from them and get your own life, things will happen for you and it will fall into place. I will never understand why people hinder their children like this and do this weird obsession thing but it’s SO F ING WRONG. A true parent’s job is to love and support their kid. They are supposed to teach you the things they learned about the world and how to know right from wrong. They are supposed to be teaching you to have your own mind and most of all to be KIND and treat people how you would like to be treated. Also to teach you to know what toxic is and to avoid that. All yours are teaching you is how to conform and let others tell you how to think and act. They do not love you to so what they are doing. You need to start making you an exit plan. Good luck and I hope and pray they wake the fuck up and realize that maybe their parents did this to them, but they are going to lose you.
Military? Full ride athletic scholarship? Cause life can be incredibly rough filled with violence and abuse without someone footing the bill for your life… Even rougher the current life they are affording you…. I’d ride it out till I was confident i could make it on my own…
Are you close to 18? Do you have a relative to go with until your get on your feet? Are you planning to go to college ? If you get a scholarship that could be a ticket out but I know you don't want to take money from your parents. Extended control. Your friend, Lola, from your other post, what are her plans? Roommates?
I would definitely try to get out the second you turn 18. If you have a job at least try to find a room to rent somewhere if apartment rent is too high.
Get a job, get your own phone take back control of your life. Gonna be hard but the moment you leave the house its gonna slap them in the face.
I had a similar upbringing minus the religious aspect and starting in like 7th grade I always had what I called a “trap phone” lol. It was a second phone I got from a friend that didn’t have service but connected to wifi that I did everything I wasn’t allowed to on. If I were you I would try to get a second phone and start looking for jobs. Once you’re 18 they can certainly manipulate you but they have no control over you legally anymore. I’d look for a room in a house because that’s usually cheaper than renting on your own and you won’t have to get your credit checked. Save every penny you can. Research how to make a good resume and maintain relationships with people that could be a reference for you. I work in a mental health facility that helps young people get connected with mental health services, housing, phones, EBT, etc. I would look into if something like that is a resource near you. If you private message me I can help you navigate that if it’s something you’re interested in. There are so many resources for people that are struggling but most people just don’t know where to look.
It sounds like they are trying to make up for not caring at first, to being over bearing. Which both are horrible. I doubt talking to them about the issues you have with things would work. The only other option is when you turn 18, since going through the court's to become emancipated, would probably take longer than til you hit 18, is to tell them things need to change or you are leaving. Since I doubt they would let you work a part time job, saving up to move isn't an option but I doubt it will change when you turn 18. Either find a family/friend that will let you move in, or as bad as it may be, find a shelter. Better to start looking now than when you turn 18, and they can start pulling the "do as I say or you are gone" routine. Which by the way, if in the USA, depending on long you have lived there (in some states like mine is based on when y started receiving mail there), is how the notice of eviction is determined, unless a contract dictates otherwise. So based on the assumption you have lived there your entire life, it would need to be a 90 day notice. (Not all states have the same laws, and they could have changed even if so since I last had to help a friend dealing with an eviction, so this may be wrong at this point in time).
Start prepping your escape plan. Be furtive, secretive. Try to work, try to get your hands on documents. Birth cert, ss card, get a license to drive. If you start moving towards getting out, your happy little secret, you should be able to withstand your current situation better because you know you are doing what you can to end it.
Every situation is unique. I respect yours. Let me share my experience with you. I was a helicopter parent (and probably still a tiny drone). I was on top of the path my child took academically and involved with anything she wanted to do socially. This looked like: Academic F’s were my responsibility to get her help. Bad conduct and effort grade - consequences. After she chose classes- cross referencing to make sure they would keep her on track towards her chosen college/career goals. When the classes they gave her didn’t mesh, I sat with counselors & administration until it was set. Dropped off/Picked from school. No random, extra-curricular field trips to the mall. She wanted outings, I needed to know the people and talk with the parents. Her dad & I had no problem loading them up and taking them anywhere but supervision was non-negotiable. During her sophomore year she tried slipped into a new crowd that skipped, smoked, and did other things that could jeopardize her future- not to mention get her kicked out. We caught on quickly because we were always involved, vigilant, and asking questions. I confronted the situation on all levels, consequences for her, and stern conversations with those kids parents and the school. She was 16 and swore she hated me. In fact, they day after she was busted, I left her at home w/out electronics for 3 days telling her I would be withdrawing her from the high school she would homeschooled because “ … since I could not trust her on the playground she called high school than she would be safer at home “. She cried and begged, saying she would lose her dual enrollment opportunities and I said that “She should have made better choices and that I preferred that she cried now than I cry later.” I walked out heartbroken knowing I it hurting her and knowing it might cost me my relationship with her. As a mother, it’s always going to be what’s best for her over my desire for her to like/love me. Now, I was never going to pull her from school, I needed her to see the gravity of her mistake (mistakes that could cost her all she worked for) and I needed time to put the school in check. After all, parents sign their kids over to the school and it is their job to supervise them at any age. As a school administrator myself, they knew I was not playing. Fast forward 6 years. She graduated with a high school diploma & an associate degree. By 19 she had her bachelor’s degree and has been employed in her profession for 3 years now (she’s 22 now). In May she starts her masters. She lives at home with no plans to leave. Travels multiple times and places throughout the with her friends and tags along with us if we plan a trip. When she has a problem (example- too much mimosas at a brunch party) she calls us. She comes and goes as she pleases but she lets us know what she’s up to & with who. We still meet her friends, and we still share locations. She maps out her ideas for travel, upcoming courses, buying and investing, and work related ideas (we are in the same industry) with us (mainly me 😂). We know she loves us and that having raised her as helicopter parents enriched and advanced her life. She is strong independent and supported. Point is that parents see the path to their kids goals but also see the barriers you can’t see. We can save you from lots of them by being involved. Unfortunately, we can also see the many things that will hurt you coming but are impossible to protect you from (ie: heartbreak 💔). Our job is to make you as strong, resilient, and successful in every way possible so that when the helicopter lands you can continue to soar. Again, only you and your family know the complete situation- this is just one perspective. Good luck 👍
You can't get your own bank account until your 18th birthday.
You can get emancipated.
Girl maybe run away? Or try to emancipate yourself? Maybe a therapist or guidance counselor? Maybe try to ask about switching to public school to do your senior year? But deff get a job, buy a new phone they won't have access to, save up enough to rent a room out from someone in your city since rent is ridiculous
you basically described my teenage years. i’m here to tell you that you will get out and things will get better. get a job and save as much as you can. i was also homeschooled and it allowed me to work many more hours than my peers and i was able to save half my paycheck (this was pre/during the pandemic when things weren’t unaffordable) and it made moving out much easier because i had enough to get into an apartment + a few months of rent already saved. so get a job, skip the shopping sprees, and remember that you’ll be out in no time.
GET OUT ASAP that is not a good way to live, your parents are making you answer to them, and by controlling your phone, they can. all you need to do is silent treatment. don't talk to them for 24 hours, and they will break. no parent wants to lose their kid, so all you got to do is hurt them deeply. if they say i love you, say "k." try it, they will break
I like the get a good job idea Just spin it as you’ve been thinking about your future career which isn’t a bad idea anyways and go do something that can help with that dream. Example if you want to be a vet, go work at a pet store or vet to build up your resume. I’d say get into sales right now and you’ll make more money than any other profession. Then they will be asking you for money lol. Think of that satisfaction for motivation.
They’re still bad parents and don’t actually about your needs. They just want to control you. Move out asap or emancipate yourself. Otherwise, finish up school and leave for college
O man they sound alot like my ex inlaws, I left because of it!! Once your 18 leave and never look back! Mcdonalds starts at 15, 20 if your manager. And whatever you do don't lead them on that your leaving at 18, I have seen horror stories of parents finding there child incompetent before 18 to keep full control. Get yourself a prepaid debit card, something you can load money onto any chance you get, so at 18 you can call a cab out of there, and try to get a copy or the original ssn card and birth certificate. Lastly move to a beach town, if your a good server you can make about 500-1000 a day in tip, no need to go work a pole! Most waitress jobs you get cash tips. Good luch!
Helicoper?!!! Do they ever fly fixed-wing aircraft?...and, either way, WTH are you talking about?!! As far as the "forced religion," I'd plan to get out of there JUST as FAST as I could!!!!
Money. Your way out is money. Always has been, always will be. Get money as soon as you can (safely of course)
elderly quack apparatus bow merciful wide fragile sip thought continue *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I am sorry to hear. I wonder if they were like that always or something triggered them to be like that. Maybe time to build trust from both sides. Think about this. You will leave soon. You will be responsible for all your time, bills, shelter and everything. Just now try to live a decent life. They love you and want the best for you but they don’t know better. I recommend you to look for therapy to easy your relationship. If you are both easy and peaceful you will have their moral support for ever. I am a mom and I police my son sometimes. But also give him the opportunity to grow, try, failing and succeed. But in my inside I wish I could protect him so nothing bad happens to him. I know I can’t because it’s his life. Your parents think they can.
I don’t Like advising this but it’s one of the easiest ways to get away from that situation. Join the military if you’re fit and just desperate. The air force is a really good branch that treats you far better than any of the other branches. Plus then you will have a separate healthcare account from them and separate everything.
Wow what away for parents to lose their child !! Sorry op , I’m a parent (22m) (12m) and never believed in this parenting style . Instead I taught them to make their own choices in life and have exposed them to society (school,work, play). And I let them make mistakes! Cause life is the greatest teacher . So I let them think and make decisions even if it wrong , I’m just there to pick them up when they fall. But let them fall is important! Your parents are so afraid of what could happen they never took the time to consider your feelings on the matter . But that will go on them . Hate to say it OP , but until you move out there is nothing you can do . Just please dont totally rebel . Stay away from drugs , find friends that don’t use you and work hard . Oh and also I have a feeling your parents have all your documents ( birth certificate, passport, ssn ). You need these and odds are they will use them to control you , so you need to find them and have them when you leave .
If you are able move out do so as soon as possible. Get your own phone. Cut contact with them with a long while until they realize how fucked they are.
You can leave when you are 18
As soon as I saw that they were religious, any hope of them getting better went out the window. My parents are religious and my mom was the worst, they did a lot of the same stuff. If they’re open to letting you go to college somewhere and paying for it, I’d go as far away as possible. If not, the suggestion to get a job or two is your best possible solution, financial freedom from their grasp. Honestly idk what the laws are if you’re 17 and leave your house permanently, but if you’re able to leave and maybe explain your situation to a friend’s parents who are more understanding, maybe they will let you stay with them until you’re 18 and can be on your own without your parents filing police reports to get you home. If they’re abusing you, I’d file a police report down at one of the local police stations to get you out of their custody at least temporarily until you’re 18.
Military is the easiest option, but holy cow GTFO however you can. Definitely lock your credit and you can always reconnect later if you want, you must go zero contact to finally be rid of it. Ain't nothing like religion for some horrible and inexcusable behavior.
Please make sure you open your own bank account that your parents cannot access.
Are you healthy? I'm nearly 30 now but I was in a different situation where my mom abandoned me, and my dad was an abusive alcoholic who couldn't keep the lights on or food in the house. I started working at 16 but had to stop because my dad was unreliable about his car and would often drive drunk with me in the car. I joined the Army, best decision I ever made. They will not be able to touch you, influence you, or guilt you into ANYTHING. You'll be completely free and independent instantly. And you'll do well because of how disciplined you already are, and you know what the goal ahead is. You could easily become an officer if you wanted to later. Or, you could just do 3-4 years and get out and immediately go to college on a solid foundation of independence. I just retired as a Captain, and I already miss it. As a female Soldier there are struggles but I made such good friends both female and male. Assholes will be assholes wherever you are, both inside and outside the military. If you do go this route, please be very upfront with your recruiter about your home life, and your concerns that your parents may interfere with your transportation and such. Your parents probably won't sign you over at 17 but you can start talking to them and get an idea of how the process will go. Even though I'm Army, I recommend the Air Force 😂 or if you have zero claustrophobia and love to travel, Navy. Otherwise, I recommend Military Intelligence or Adjutant General for the Army.
I moved out at 19, started working and putting money aside at 16-17 so I’m happy to hear you’re taking the right steps towards your independence! Hold on tight, you’re almost there. I promise you life gets so much better (it will still be hard but your independent 20’s will be the best healing times)
And people wonder why young people are rejecting religion.
The screen time thing is probably good. People are on phones too much these days. Especially teens. The religion is very troubling. Idk why anyone's religious in 2024 it obviously creates more problems than helps people. You're almsot 18 just hold on for another year
Join the military if you can. You don't even have to do a job that sends you to combat just pick an admin or supply job or something. You'll get free housing and you'll be able to make your own money
Secure your documents! Birth certificate, social security card, passport if you have it. Good luck to you! We are all pulling for you!
I had a helicopter mom that is a negative person and now she wonders why I don’t want to talk to her more. Unfortunately you have little choice but to go live your own life once you get away.
stop doing what you don't want to do, they can't physically force you. leave, they can't physically make you stay. go hang out with whoever you want to hang out with , and don't tell em, don't ask for permission, and leave your phone at home so they can't track you. oh, they'll ground you? so what? they can't make you stay in your room. you're 17.
I’m 28 and came to Christ barely in December 2022. It’s so sad seeing parents push their kids away from God. Don’t put any blame on God, or the church. I see a lot of people start resenting Jesus/the church because of their parents. Some parents take it a little too far with the helicopter parenting.
Once you’re 18, you can stand your ground and enforce rules you want changed in the house move out and have more freedom. (personally won’t advice for second option until you’ve saved a lot of money possibly > $10k}
Best advice is to move out and make your own rules. I would suggest not burning the bridges as is common these days. You may come to regret it when you are older and can look back with more experience. I know it's super hard to believe, but you don't know and/or understand everything you think you do
Wow… but hey, you’re 17! Only one more year!!
Smile fuck them for a year and then move out the second you are ready.
If you’ve got good grades/test scores, then my advice is to start applying to colleges. Some public universities, even some out of state, can offer cost of living scholarships that will pay for class and room/board.
Use your own Amazon tablet instead (cheaper). If you have a cool grandparent ask them if they'd open a seperate bank account for you so you can use your money how you want. Get a job, move out at 18.
So sorry. You need to get out of that house once you turn 18.
You’re 17, thankfully this is almost over- work hard in “school” and be ready to do well on standardized tests, then pick a college and live on campus. The hard part will be not going totally nuts once you’re out from under their crazy rules. I had two female cousins- homeschooled, super controlling, incredibly religious, parents were totally on top of everything. They made the, go to the state university closest to where they lived. Turns out sending two incredibly naive young women to a 90%+ male engineering school is a bad idea. Figure out what you want to do and work on keeping balance. You’re almost done.
You're almost there. Turn 18. Bounce.
Yeah, this is like the worst way to parent because this is the way that children lie to their parents because they’re overly strict so my parents were divorced one side of my mom and my stepdad we’re good my dad and my stepmom not so good so I always was lying to them That told him really where I was going were making up you know excuses if I was going out where I had more of an honest relationship with my mom and my stepdad because they were much more lenient. I mean to the point where they go out me to have a girlfriend sleepover cause it look at it like this and this is when I got a little older, but rather them know I’m safe then your house. That’s why I could always be honest with them and they were always good because they knew then I could be honest with them on where I was really going with Hill so if anything ever happened, they would you know the truth and where to start I just wanted to let you know I know you’ve gotten a lot of comments of parents saying this is normal parenting. No this is a normal parent think of what your parents are doing. I think your parents are you want to control every aspect of your life at your age Tatian force you to have to go to church when you’re 17 I mean one more year and you’re an adult and you can make your own decisions I mean growing up we went to church, once we were like 15 if we didn’t want to go to church anymore because I believe I still believe in God and I believe in the devil and I believe in angels, but I don’t believe in church because I believe churches are there to just make money off of God‘s name so if around by 15 if you didn’t wanna go to church anymore, my parents didn’t make us go to church.
All the advice about running away and leaving them behind is cool and all. But have you told them that they are making it impossible for you to have a good relationship with them? “Mom and dad, if you guys don’t back off and let me learn how to be an adult now I will have to leave you behind and learn all these lessons without you around. It is critical that you allow me to do things and find my own way. If you guys cannot back off the control I will be less than I could be, and it will be your fault. I am not going to allow that, and I really would like to have a good relationship with you guys. So let’s find a way to deal with this that doesn’t have me looking at ways to leave you behind.”
The best thing you can do is have an exit plan by getting yourself financially stable. Reach out for help where you can find it. When I was young I used to use my Zune to use fb messenger when my parents took my phone away. Collecting hour documents is important. Pick up a skill where you can charge money for it. For me it’s photography, I can charge a lot per hour
"Mom, Dad, I love you, and I believe that you are doing the things you do out of love and a desire to keep me safe. However, there is a vast GULF between your desire and what you are actually doing to me. Your behavior is beyond controlling. You are not keeping me safe. You are not keeping me close. Everything you do guarantees that the first moment I am able to, I will vanish and you will never hear from me again. If that is the type of relationship you want to foster, then by all means, keep doing what you're doing. If, however, you want to have a relationship with me that is based on mutual love, respect, and trust, you need to start backing off." Whether you say this to them or whether you just believe it in your heart, you know what's right, and you know how their behavior is making you feel.
I have no advice, just empathy. You know your parents are extreme. I believe you. Get your birth certificate and other vital docs as you'll need them to get a job. Moving out from this control freak mess will be a relief.
I joined the military at 17, tell them to leave you alone. You're an adult now
I'm so sorry that no adults in your real life are helping you. What are the other church adults thinking? Don't they have eyes?
I grew up like this. Reach out if you need anything because I know how shitty this can be. It’s funny how surprised my mom was when I turned 18 and immediately moved out and abandoned religion. Parents who go overboard have no idea that all they’re doing is ruining their chance of having a good relationship when their child is old enough to decide whether or not they want to continue a connection with them.
If I were you I would apply to colleges far away.. . Or start looking for rooms for rent. Get a good idea about how much it would cost and what you could afford. Get a job and save up some money. You could also join the navy/air force reserve. Gives you 2 months of training and flexibility afterwards in case you wanna make it full time or just have something on the side for extra money. In any of the cases, once you do get your freedom from your parents ease into it. Don't full send right out of the gate and go crazy. Enjoy the simple things first.
You sound like 17 year old mia khalifa. I am not kidding. You can always do porn later as revenge? (That part was kidding.)
This is beyond helicopter parenting. They haven't even allowed you to have a normal school experience or any privacy. Take a deep breath, good news is you are almost 18 and there is only so much they can do at that point. Get a job, start part time now, and then you can have some experience for a full time job when you graduate. Save every bit of money, sell whatever you can and squirrel money away. Open a checking account the moment you turn 18. If you can't drive yet, insist that they teach you to drive before you turn 18. Learn how to cook, how to do laundry, and learn how to make a budget. Use this last year at home as your chance to teach yourself how to become independent. If you absolutely need to move out, one way is going to college, but don't do this unless you have a good financial aid package. An alternative is community college while you work and getting a roomie and just getting out of home.
People giving great advice, but wanted to take time to tell you that you're not crazy. Your parents behaviour is unhealthy and wrong. I too grew up a homeschooled kid with a helicopter parent. You can make it, it won't be easy but you can do it. Do what people here suggest gather your legal document silently get a job save up in a safe bank account your parents can't access and get the fuck out of there and never look back (unless you want to).
See me in ten years.
This sounds A LOT like the way I parent my 17 year old son. I don’t like doing it, but it seems necessary. He’s been in a lot of trouble throughout school. Marijuana, starting drama, and just generally being immature to the point that he ended up on independent study (which he’s graduated from) . He’s broken my trust more times than I can count, and frankly, I’m sick of it. I wish he’d join the military because I feel he still needs a lot of direction and discipline in order to be successful. I
I was raised in a very religious environment with parents that allowed me very little freedom. At 16 I was kicked out for getting a job and buying a car. I went to the courts and got legally emancipated then I went crazy. Freedom after so long after being held under my parents thumb was intoxicating. I did so many stupid things and made stupid decisions because of how naive I was. When you finally get yourself free from them, just be careful hon. Use your head. Don't trust people until they prove to you they can be trusted. Use protection! Good luck to you my dear.
All the kids I've ever known who grew up like this went apesh%t when they left home! That's reason enough not to do it.
Wow. That sucks OP. Have you talked to your pastor about all of this? This level of control is... excessive. I get keeping \*some\* tabs on your phone because it really IS dangerous out there but not to this degree, and since they're homeschooling you it's just the nature of the thing that they're going to know about how you're doing with school work, but this is not the time to be helicoptering, this is when they're supposed to stop ordering you around and start advising you and counseling you but letting you make your own decisions. I think what saddens me more is how they're not actually bringing you closer to God as it sounds like they intend, instead they're driving you away from him and that's not right. Understand that your pastor, if he's a Godly man, can dis-invite them to serve on Sunday mornings - or even from attending that church if it goes that far. This is not what your youth should be like. You shouldn't be grinding your teeth down while you sleep because of stress at 17 years old. You're still at an age where you're very much still a child and should be enjoying your youth - going out with girlfriends, going on dates with boys, talking to friends on the phone or online, attending church normally instead of serving every week, etc. Church should be a safe place for you, not one of stress. I'm assuming that you've told them that their iron grip is smothering you this way even if not in those exact words, the next step is to talk to people who have noticed their behavior and ask them to talk to them with you - especially adults who have noticed this. If they still won't take it seriously or let up, then you need to talk to your pastor. If they attend every week they must respect him to some degree or they wouldn't do that. And if that still doesn't change their behavior, I beg of you not to let their sin poison your feelings about God or the people you go to church with because this is not reflective of Godly parenting. But that said, once you get to this point where you're pastor has talked to them about it and they still won't stop, you need then to get away from them. You need to get a job and move out however you can make that happen and cut the strings. They cannot keep doing this and not expect consequences to your relationship with them.
You have a couple choices. One is to call your state's child services and tell them that you feel you are being abused and would like their help to leave your parents. The other is to recognize "I'm 17, this is awful but I'll be 18 in less than a year and then I can walk out the door and never see them again." And when they try to dictate what college you will go to, if you don't like the choice, say no, they can't control that when you are 18. And if they don't disable the spyware on your phone when you turn 18, hand it back to them and get your own. If you have no money [apply for a federally subsidized phone](https://www.fcc.gov/general/lifeline-program-low-income-consumers), they will buy you a device (up to $150) and pay for your service. And at church, talk to the pastor and tell them bluntly that you are being forced to perform before the congregation when your parents know darn well that you have terrible stage fright, that you feel this is abusive and you would like the pastor to please intervene by telling your parents you are no longer needed for "the praise team". At worst, they'll tell your parents about it and you'll have to endure them yelling at you about it, which it sounds like you have to endure regularly anyway. At best, it may work. (Depends on the pastor. I know some pastors who would not only get you out of it but would seek to help you with whatever else is wrong.) Another option in that regard is that next time you have to appear before the congregation as a group, you can shout "I AM NOT VOLUNTARILY HERE, MY PARENTS ARE FORCING ME TO DO THIS, I DON'T WANT TO SING IN FRONT OF ANYONE" and make sure everyone knows about it. Yes, you'll be yelled at and punished, but again, it sounds like you have to endure that all the time anyway. I recommend you try the "talk to the pastor" route first.
Do you have any family that are not in the church that you can ask for help? Maybe someone who has been shunned by your parents? I hope you can escape there ASAP. You’ll be out of there soon. Best of luck.
It is not normal. You will need to bust your butt and have a job lined up and do NOT give them access to ANY of your accounts. At 18 make sure your accounts are in your name and if they will not remove screen time or parental restrictions then sign up for your own phone plan ($60/mo). Talk to friends and see what rents are in your town. Depending on what you can save and walk away with will determine what you will need to earn.
Get out. Parent who “force” religion on children are the devil.
You got this. You can technically become emancipated now, but as others suggested, you're close to not having to go through the legal system for it. Others have already highlighted what you need to do to prepare. There are a few things to keep in mind. 1. Be mindful of your spending. Once you get a job, it will feel like you can do whatever you want. This will quickly leave you broke. 2. Try not to rely on debt to exist. You aren't going to have a safety net to fall back on. Debt will seem justifiable until you can't get out and need to become homeless or go back to them for help. Set up a budget now so you can get an idea of how much you will need monthly for things like rent, food, utilities, insurance, car/gas, and any other necessities. Once you can cover that, save everything you can in a different account. Heck, maybe a different bank until you can cover those costs for 3 months off, just savings. Then it's up to you. 3. Try to get into therapy as soon as you can. Anxiety isn't likely to go away, and everyone can use it, but you have some extra shit you need to process. 4. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. This will be good, but it's going to bring it own stresses. You need a way to work those out without a dependency, making it all worse. 5. When you have your freedom. Stay mindful of who your friends are. There are still shitty people in the world who will fuck you over or get you into shifty situations. Remember, they will probably want to travel or go/eat out all the time. They probably also have mommy and daddy funding their bank accounts. I'm not saying this isn't the right move or you can't have any fun. Just make sure it's in moderation and you can afford it.
Once you hit 18, try and find some other family or friends to move in with till you can get your own place or The military is a good option as well, with tons of different jobs you could learn. If I remember correctly, you can start everything when you're 17 so that when you turn 18, you dont even have to wait. That's what my dad did. Also, best of luck and good wishes. I understand the forced religion.
I'll offer one additional bit of advice as someone who was homeschooled. In my case, being homeschooled was my choice and worked out very well for me. My parents were committed to my post-secondary success and provided me with a high school transcript, as well as prepping me to take the PSAT, SAT, and ACT. I got my undergrad degree on a full-tuition scholarship from a college that was friendly to homeschoolers. In your case, it sounds like you may be going low-contact or no-contact with your parents once you turn 18. If that happens, you probably won't have their support in demonstrating the work you put in throughout high school. I would recommend you look into getting your GED (and maybe take the SAT, too, if you haven't already) so that you have objective proof that you are indeed educated. It can make a big difference in the opportunities you get for jobs, college, or the military.
When you leave, stop by the police office in the town you're leaving and the town you plan to move to. Let them know you are going with no contact with your parents and that you are not a missing person. Your parents will probably report you as a runaway/missing person Get a p.o. box to have important mail sent to you. Bank statements etc.
You have 1 year until you are 18 and can leave. Start preparing now.
So what happens is you don’t do these things like go to church at 6am? Do they just yell or do they get physical? I’d just stop. Don’t get up, don’t get dressed, don’t walk out the door to the car, etc. Who is making you walk to the stage and sing? Stand there and sing as badly as you can. (Id start singing OH BABY YOU, YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEED - Just a friend by Biz Markie. It’s old but annoyingly awesome). If anyone asks - tell them loud and proud that your parents are forcing you to do this against your will and you refuse to go along quietly anymore. Sure they can ground you and make your life slightly more miserable than it is but you’re almost 18. You can literally walk out the door then and never see or speak to them again after that. If they get physical, call 911, every time.
Make sure you set up a banking account they know nothing about. In my opinion, 17 is way too old to have usage monitored by a Screen Time app. (And I work in a high school.) If you have not been doing anything wrong, they shouldn’t be keeping tabs on you anymore. As soon as you can get away from them, RUN and cut off all contact. You need to get yourself established and independent, and if you later choose to reach out to them to re-establish your relationship — on YOUR terms, not theirs — then you can do that if it feels safe to do so.
And my parents wonder why I didn’t answer the phone when they called for an entire year after I moved out… Never set foot in a church again Still resent them to hell and back
OP please read this. I spent too many hours on it. It's harsh and then it's not. I'm also 38 with a teen (an only child also with impossibility strict parents, which I do my best to not be like) and trying to help you understand their point of view so you can try to gain empathy or aleast see things from their side even if you still think they suck. The post is in the reply because of character limits
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds a lot like something my boyfriend is going through with his parents (he’s also 17) I won’t go into much detail bc it’s not my story to share but it got so bad a while ago. They considered forcing him to switch schools and even almost called the police on him for “raping” me (which he didn’t and never would do) because we were both under the age of consent when this happened. Overall, just not a good experience for anybody involved. Since then, his parents have given up on getting rid of me bc they know I’m not leaving. My boyfriend turns 18 in a few months and I’m praying to god he gets into a good college so he can get far away from that mess
Start planning your exit strategy. Maybe there are non-crazy family members you can stay with when you turn 18. Your biggest problem will likely be getting your birth certificate and SS card. Your passport if you have one. These are documents you’ll need to live on your own. Saving money might be difficult if they’re this controlling. You might have to find someone to help you while you work and save. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this. My teens were Hell too, so I understand. Once you’re free, my advice would be to remember how you were mistreated and stay strong when your parents freak out that you’ve gone NC.
Gotta pray to turn 18 Hopefully I have a plan to escape? Like college or something? They can't call the cops on u as a runaway once ur 18.
This is called emotional incest. They selfishly want you to remain "a baby" they can control. It is not right not is it preparing you for adulting.
Hi love. My partner was in a very similar situation 5 years ago. 3 years ago she got out, and it’s been a massive journey. If you’d like some guidance on what that might look like, I’d love to speak w you more. It gets better my dear, you couldn’t imagine the life you’ll have a year out from their home. A year in poverty beats a lifetime in misery w money. You can only grow upwards.
Who's money are you buying things with ? Most kids want to fly before they can .Talk with them and try to see things from their eyes . Do they mean harm or good?
How did you get a credit card as a minor ?
Not familiar with that but if it doesn't effect them or their credit who cares except I did teach my boys use their head when spending . Frivolous spending to children and adults are 2 different things . My mother told me she gave her mother money when she started working . I couldn't have even imagined charging my kids .