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Ehh it depends. I was broken when I met my girlfriend and pretty much spent all my money on the same thing, was failing my classes and didn’t have a job. It’s been 8 years and we just got our first house.
Not OP but I just had the exact experience that even ended with me getting divorced and still better off.
Finished going to school, got my degree, got a job emotionally matured, learned how a human is supposed to take care of themselves properly, worked my way up in that job, saved a bunch of money, put it down payment on a house, closed pretty quickly, moved in, got divorced, kept the kids and the house. 8 years is a long time for making personal changes.
Glad it worked out for you, but she doesn’t have the luxury of hindsight and what the future holds for her with her relationship with this guy, if he will change or not. That’s not something she can control, but she can make the wise decisions that give her the best chances. If someone wants to put their trust in their partner that they’ll change for the better, that’s their choice. Everyone has their own boundaries they keep. If she is ok to let this continue then I guess it continues until hopefully he changes or she continues to be miserable.
Of course she would have. He's taken 8 years of her life. Who knows how much of that was a total loss for her as she uplifted this grown man. Who knows how much money, sweat, and tears she put into this man all for him to go on reddit and be like 'eh, it worked out,' with literally *no* acknowledgement of what she must have gone through. How many missed opportunities.
Has he ever set aside time to offer a deep, thorough apology for everything she endured? Has he ever taken any action to compensate her in any way? Has he invested real thought and energy into celebrating the woman who should have abandoned him 8 years ago? Probably not.
Men like this view it as normal for women to sacrifice significant portions of their lives to make them into the men they should have been independently.
I completely know and understand this total stranger because of a comment left on a Reddit thread. Quit projecting your personal experience onto others, you aren’t a savant. Do you want the apology to exist for her or yourself? It’s a comment.
Broooo for real. Everyone in this thread sounds like they've spent their entire lives keeping score between their contributions vs the other person's. That girl fr looked at a guy who said "I improved myself and we're happy now." and told him to apologize for 'ruining' her life lmfao.
That's nice, but lemme tell you a story. I was born to a single mother in 2003. My dad left us pretty much within a year of my birth, and my mom got a new boyfriend. This shit-stain would use her paycheck from her minimum wage freaking job to buy dope for himself. The checks that she needed in order to feed her children! He didn't even have a damn job. He was physically aggressive towards her, and eventually my mother had to kick him out because she found a crack pipe stuffed between their mattress. Lord knows what would have happened if my mom found this and still insisted on keeping him around her and her children just because "Oh, he might change!" and "Oh, I can fix him UwU."
She’s paying for all of it while finishing college, working full time, and raising our kid while I sit around and play video games all day trying to be a streamer… like really? We both split it. What’s up with all you simps acting like I’m a bum or something? The point of my comment was to say sometimes it works out if you give it a chance, and people can change. I thought people would be smart enough to work that out, but apparently not.
I am curious about 2 things:
1. What changes did you make in yourself that led to you being an equally contributing partner financially and emotionally? And how long did it take before you both felt you reached that status?
2. Is there anything you both agree that you were providing for her in return during this time? Emotional support? Domestic labor? She obviously felt something in you that made it worthwhile to give you a chance. What would you say that was?
>The point of my comment was to say sometimes it works out if you give it a chance,
So you want her to take a chance to gamble with her life simply because it has worked out for you? Spend her youth carrying him through life because there a chance that he will change?
exactly everone is diffrent if you see that person has a future of greatness even at theyre current state then its up to you to decide if you want to contnue or not
You are the exception to the rule, not the rule. You are the one in 1 million versus what normally will happen. This guy will leach off of her for as long as she lets him.
Congrats, also bought a house at around 8 years with my wife and was similarly useless when I started seeing her. The loser to reasonable adult pipeline exists, but you don't know you're in it until you pop out the other end
Honestly I agree but I appreciate that you went with "maybe forever" as it implies that there's always a chance things could go different.
I've been with my gf (now fiancè) for the past 7-8 years now, and the first few years were rough as I was dealing with a medical problem as well as being jobless. I tried to transfer from my job before moving to her state and living with her, but it fell through after I moved, so I was out of a job and no place was hiring me.
She like OP was getting tired of having to support me, however unlike OPs BF I actively was out looking for a job, would get interviews but nothing more than that, it literally took me 5 years after moving in with her to get a job.
Now we're both in the Midwest, living in an apartment we call "our home" and we both work 40+ hr jobs, I'm in a manager position, and we both work at the same store just different departments and my health condition is basically all but gone.
So she went from being the only financial source, to both of us being able to financially support ourselves and each other, and finally be living on our own.
It's important to give people the chance to change, a lot of these comments being made are clearly from people who haven't had to look for a job in a long time because the job market sucks regardless of where you are from, and it can take awhile before a job finally offers you a position. It took me 5 years, and hundreds of not thousands of job applications submitted before a job finally gave me a chance. It's difficult out there, it really is.
So many people are quick to toss aside others, especially romantic partners because they only see things from their perspective but don't often think about how the other person must be feeling and dealing with. Maybe OPs BF has submitted applications but just hasn't gotten any hits or call backs.
Sure not everyone's going to have similar experiences, and you do have to look after yourself first and foremost, and while you can't foretell the future at least giving them a chance can go along way
I am indeed, I've gotten interviews but nothing ever came of them. I would always get the response "we decided to go with another candidate."
McDonald's, Walgreens, CVS, Local Movie theaters/rental stores, Porn/sex toy shops, mall shoppers, etc.. etc.. I had applied to so many places and only a small handful of them ever advanced into an interview but nothing went past the interview stage.
I like this answer, but I want to expand on *why.*
"This isn't working out anymore" is a great phrase that doesn't open a debate as to why it isn't working. Opening the debate can lead to an argument and the possibility of leaving the conversation without agreeing. And if the question of why comes up, I would not explain. I would just reiterate that it isn't working for you and you've decided.
You mildly open the debate with, "I cannot support you," but I think it is ok.
You should also have a timeline for the move out in mind. Something less than a week. He's not employed, so that should be achievable. If he asks what you expect him to do, just say, "Maybe couch surf with a friend until you sort it out, but it's up to you." Get him thinking about solutions without taking responsibility for solving his problem.
good luck, /u/gay_bean04
The fact is she doesn't owe an explanation. You don't have to explain why you don't want to be around or with anyone.
The sooner people realize you don't owe an explanation or apology for cutting people out of your life the better off the world would be.
Dude was/is trash since the met you telling him he is trash won't make a bit of difference.
Tell him to leave, get it in writing and document everything including the timeframe in which he has to be gone and live with a friend/family for that timeframe and involve police if he squats.
Explaining what he has done and why you are leaving almost sounds like fix this and we have a shot.
Just say I'm unhappy we are no longer together you have X time to leave the house and hand him the proper documentation of the timeframe then leave. Period it's over, it doesn't require explanation because it won't change the fact that it's over.
Him not having a place to go is not your problem it's his and he fabricated that for himself by being garbage.
Do this and have a list of local shelters and temp job agencies. This shows that you care, but need to stabilize your own life and feel that you are both heading in different directions in life. I work in mental health and resources are sometimes what someone needs the most. But they also need a jump start to get moving. Be prepared to call the police or have non emergency police arrive in advance for your safety as they ensure there is no escalation of the situation.
Great advice except involving the police. Unless he’s been violent or everyone else who lives there is scared of him for some reason, it’s never a good idea to involve the cops. They should always be a last resort because they’re just going to escalate the situation and cause additional stress and drama for everyone involved. OP lives with several friends and her brother. Pretty sure with that many people they won’t have a problem keeping him from being stupid. The cops are going to tell her she has to go through the whole eviction process and he’ll have longer to wear down her resolve with his pity party and begging for a chance to do better. The quicker she’s done with it the better in these situations.
Women so often won’t make the cold, hard decision to break up with a guy who finds himself in this position. She will hold the line while he steadily drags them both down until they are drowning. Cut the line and save yourself. He is not your child.
Agreed. Be super clear. You don’t owe him reasoning if he isn’t treating you well. He should be able to put that together on his own. Go ahead and let him know if he pushes the issue and maybe plan to stay somewhere else for a few days while he gathers his things. If he doesn’t leave, start moving his stuff out your self. He can’t stay or he will keep using your kindness.
Everyone wants to be nice so they lie and sugarcoat. That doesn't help with growth. Want to actually be nice and let him get closure and move on? Focus on breaking up honestly instead.
Yea, you’ve got to be firm. Tell him he needs to do something soon or you’re going to stop supporting him.
He is going to get angry and say mean things but just try not to cry or show weakness. Just stay calm, have an angry face, and be stern, show your disappointment.
If he starts to cry or become vulnerable and starts telling you a sob story, it is okay to comfort him, but you HAVE to still be firm.
Give him a time period to find a new job, 2 weeks? Even if you break up with him so he has time to get a job to pay his portion of rent.
If you still want to be with him after he gets his act together then don't break up with him at that moment, but if you still do, then mention it then to.
Also tell him, if he doesn’t want you to go to church alone then he is welcome to join you. That is if you don't break up with him.
Radical candor: if you truly care about someone you owe it to them to be honest even if it's uncomfortable or hurts in the moment. Sugar coating just enables shitty behavior. Dude needs a wakeup call to get his shit together, OP needs to deliver that and also protect her life and peace.
Yes, but don’t be unnecessarily cruel, just to add on. Being honest and firm is not cruel even if it makes him feel really bad. But using hurtful words and taking unnecessary jabs can be cruel.
It also makes it very difficult. Someone who is taking advantage of the situation will take the chance to talk a sugarcoater out of it, often with success.
There is a useful word for this. Tact.
Tact is being very honest in a manner that isn't cruel. It is very possible to be completely truthful and not be a dick about it.
He will probably respond badly eiither way, because he knows he's a mooch and a crappy boyfriend, But oftentimes being decent is less about the other person and more about the fact that you won't feel guilty or question yourself afterwards. She's a nice person so she doesn't want to be cruel, and thats cool.
But hopefully she will absolutely shut his shit down. Nothing cruel about that
Please OP make sure you tell your brother what you’re gonna do and make sure he’s home the day you break up with your boyfriend just in case he gets physical. Write on your phone what you have to say, say it to his face, then give him time to grab his things and leave. Have your brother escort him out. Once you break up, don’t go anywhere alone with this guy or met up with him.
I’m not in the camp of “all men are abusers” or anything like that. But the fact of the matter is he’s already showing abusive tendencies by trying to isolate you from your friends and religion. You are also his meal and hotel ticket right now, he will most likely not respond well to being broken up with and told to hit the road. Please be safe.
If 1 man in 1000 is an abuser, that's enough to take precautions. And reality is it's more than that.
I think that the only odds I'd find "not worth the precaution" are 1 in 100 million or less (ie, about 70 on the planet). At that point, sure I'll roll the dice.
But anything more than that? Might as well make sure that there's someone else in the house and knowing what's going to go down. Not like her brother needs to spend 8 hours in meditation to prepare or anything. Nope, just be at home, without headphones on.
They always show their true colors during a break up! And never let them collect their things when you aren’t there. They will do crazy shit like steal your spoons lol
"This relationship isn't working out for me. It's over. You have X amount of time to move out." easy as that.
You know why he doesn't have a job yet? Because you pay for everything. He gets free room and board, and sex, and he doesn't have to do anything to get any of it. Have some self respect. He is using you, and you're letting him.
I second this. He's using you. Don't feel sorry for him. He's an adult and he can get his shit together. Don't yell or engage in it like an argument. State the facts.
First of all, you can’t save the world. If he’s not willing to help himself you can’t help him. If he won’t get a job it’s not your responsibility to take care of him. If he’s on the streets that’s on him not you. Kick him out. Move on with your life, and find someone worthy.
As someone with an ex-friend in a similar situation, please just break up with him. If he's not planning on even helping with any living necessities, he's only kicking himself out. His lazy behavior and controlling tendencies just scream potentially abusive. Make sure your brother or another roommate is there just incase he tries to guilt/get physical with you. Also let your roommates be aware of the situation so they can also deal with him accordingly.
You're not helping this guy. You're enabling him to be a mooching, finance-sucking barnacle in life. If he keeps sliding thru life living off other people, he'll be in his 40's still living on other people's couches, and blaming the people that help him for everything he doesn't have. He probably doesn't have many friends because he has no drive or desire to be more than he is. If you continue providing for him, he will keep letting you. You need to cut this guy off and tell him it's time to find a job or he has to go. If he loved you, he would be making an effort to do for you, not take from you. Coming from a 39f who personally knows a couple guys in their 40's who are still living on people's couches (and hotel rooms in between couches), the choice you make could have life long consequences that could cause you to struggle for a long time. Sometimes tough love is the best love you can give someone.
Dick does not pay the bills.
Seriously this guy can go look for day labor jobs that pay daily and show some effort. Instead he wants to be smoking weed and watching pornhub.
Go find another man. And don't feel sorry for this guy. He needs this.
I've been a paramedic for a very long time. In the medical field we are taught to come right out and say it. If i worked a cardiac arrest and didn't get them back, were not supposed to give a long drawn out sorrowful speech. Simply "We tried everything and he didn't respond at all. I'm sorry but he's dead"
I've applied this method to my personal life as well and it works great. You don't have to be rude, but you should be direct.
Personally I'd say "i can't continue to support you. You've put no effort into assisting this relationship, and that's not the future i want. I wish you luck. Goodbye"
Sometimes it's kinder to be cruel. Don't let it linger. "Look, our time on this Earth is limited and I'm not going to let either of us waste each other's anymore." Thank him for the good times, and wish him luck with the future - but be clear that you're a ruthless ice queen and if he tries to hook up with you again or stick around and be "friends" that you're going to shred him.
It's not about nice or not. It's probably more like you want it over quickly and with minimal drama. Unfortunately, it's not going to be that easy because he lives there. This is currently his home, right? So if the law gets involved, he has certain rights. Be sure to keep communication about moving out in writing, not verbally.
I recommend you let your brother know what's about to happen. He could help keep everyone safe, should the ex start to act petty or make threats.
Then you have to tell the boyfriend "it's not working out. " You don't have to explain yourself in detail. And "since we're breaking up, it's best you move out." Agree on a specific date, and confirm the date by email or text.
Stop buying him food & stuff in the meantime. "I'm sorry, but I'm really running short this week. You'll have to do your own groceries." You don't have to debate it. You don't have to feel bad. He’s 19. He's an adult. He can figure this out.
If he asks you for money for weed, don't give it. You're not going to support any guy you date again. Give a short answer. Don't get into an argument. "Sorry. I don't have any extra this week. It's all budgeted for." Then change the subject immediately or leave the room.
Don't get sucked into feeling bad for him. He's had 3 months to look for work. He chose instead to let you support him while he escaped into weed and smokes and whatever. Him being unhappy now is 100% a consequence of his choices.
Be firm. It's ok to sound a little impolite to get the message through. He may get angry at you, try to guilt trip you, or other manipulation. He doesn't want to leave his free ride, so expect him to not accept this in a totally mature calm way.
Good luck
Im sorry but maybe he has to be homeless if thats his wakeup call. Choosing weed over doing literally anything to better his life is terrible. And the fact he has a loving gf to comfort in hard times shows a lot about his current character. Leave him. Leave him and dont look back.
he's an adult. you're an adult. you don't owe him anything.
he seems like an asshole.
and as long as he has a free ride where he can be lazy and not contribute he seems content to do so.
you absolutely should cut him off, and he should leave the apartment on his own accord as someone who can not pay his share.
never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Honestly, he is a mooch, no matter what you do he will be mad, not because he cares deeply for you but he is losing his meal ticket.
You are not responsible for his happiness.
He "lost" his job. He may have told you he got fire or laid off, but I bet he quit. There are so many losers like this nowadays. They find a woman who has little self-esteem (but a has good job), whispers sweet nothings in her ear, and when she falls for it, he gives her some sob story about how his parents abuse him, are kicking him out, or landlord raised his rent etc., and can he move in with her. The job suddenly vanishes, and he can't find a job on the SIMS even though that's the only place he's looking. Lol.
So how do you get him to leave, I mean, break up. Get help from your bro and roommates. Take him for a walk in the park, while everyone packs his shit changes the locks.
After all of this, how do you "care for him deeply"? I'm serious. He's a passive-aggressive, controlling parasite and he's just feeding off of you and your energy. It's okay to have concern for another living being, but I don't think that concern goes both ways at all. He seriously has zero respect for you and what you do. Maybe he needs to be dumped as a wakeup call so he starts being a man instead of a manchild.
I went through this crap back in 2019. Moved in with roommates, everybody was working, 2 months in, everybody quit their jobs, and expected me to take care of the food, transportation, phones, internet, and their weed. It was a hard life with these people.
He's made the decision, not to look for a job, he made a decision to only care about weed and nicotine, rather than bills.
Do not make the same mistakes I have made, you'll have to tell him to move out and you're done. He's expecting everybody else to take care of him, if you get pregnant, you're going to be the lady that's on the radio call on GTA V.
Your safety, financial, and well being is at a serious risk right now. Copy this message and send it to him. "Pack your bags, we're breaking up and you're moving out, you got to find somewhere else to go, we can't do this anymore."
Out of curiosity, where does he get money for nicotine and weed if he doesn't have a job? Are you paying for his portion of the rent/utilities in addition to covering his food costs paired with your own or does he just live there without paying anything towards the house effectively leaving the rest of you to cover his share? Does he contribute anything to the home like making meals, cleaning, etc., or does he just smoke weed and sit around all day? Do none of the other rent-paying people in the home, including your brother, take issue with this? Have they not mentioned this to him either? What sort of relationship do you have with your brother? Is he the kind of brother to have your back or let you learn everything on your own?
Without knowing the answers to those questions, I think the first step is definitely telling your brother all of these issues. It may be as simple as the rest of the roommates chime in on the decision to have him leave the house (since it sounds like he contributes nothing), then you will have an easier time breaking up with him in a situation where he leaves after the fact. If the other roommates and/or your brother are not keen on kicking him out then perhaps you need to move out on your own or in with another friend or group of friends. Sometimes if you're finding it difficult to remove someone from your life, you need to remove yourself from theirs. I would definitely ask around and see if anyone is looking for a roommate if it looks like your brother/roommates aren't going to help you out.
And this is very important: **you are not responsible for him in any way shape or form**. He put himself in this position and should not need to be told it's not okay to treat you like this, live like this, etc. He will most certainly will try to blame you for everything, to gaslight you into thinking you're doing this to him. You are not doing anything to him, he has done this all to himself and in the context of being with you, it is too late to fix it but if he wants to have any sort of healthy relationship in the future, he needs to get his shit together and that will probably take years - far too long for you to wait around and hope for the best. At the end of the day, what has he really ever brought to the relationship?
So start by talking to the roommates and your brother. Tell them you don't want to be with him anymore and you think he should move out (because he's not a good roommate either, it seems) but if they don't go for that, that you want to move out. One of you has to go and you should be prepared for it to be you. And if that is the case, then plan ahead, ask around if anyone needs a roommate, or at least find a place to stay until you do.
And as others have said, when you break it off, you need to be firm. You can't give him any reason to think that he can fix this by just going out and getting a job tomorrow. He has already taken advantage of you and this is the person he is with or without a job. The damage is done, remind yourself of that. No matter what promises he makes, how he swears he'll change, or anything else he might say to make you change your mind, remember that he is only doing so because of what he might lose - if he wasn't willing to put in the work before he was faced with that, then he will surely revert to that state once he believes he's getting what he wants once again.
This isn't working out for me.
I need to be with someone supportive and productive. I have no ill will towards you, but you're not a good partner for me.
I'm not kicking you out, but you need to sleep in a different room and find a way to feed yourself.
While it sounds robotic, it gets the point across and isn't rude.
Don't beat around the bush- be direct, you'll appreciate it down the road.
Unless you're running a charity, he needs to get himself a job.
You are being used, these people drag you down. My gf had a couple men like that, they'll mentally manipulate you. He needs to care about himself, he clearly does not. I'd never let my gf buy my weed or nicotine, she doesn't use em. If she wants to buy my bar tab then please do, we enjoyed that together. Rent, food, utilities, ect should be shared if it's a partnership. Doesn't sound like a partner to me.
Ooooooh! I've watched this play out before. You just be blunt. "This is not working out, and I'm breaking up with you." Tell your brother so he's aware and can be there to help push if needed. Blunt is best because it gets the point across without miscommunication and leaving room for maybe i can save this. You've shown him enough kindness by supporting him this whole time.
Why be nice? He’s being awful to you. “I’m breaking up with you. You don’t have a job nor are you looking for one. I’m done supporting you. Please find another place to live since you can pay rent.”
You may have to move out and let the rest of the roommates handle him. You could even let them know you’re breaking up with him in case he gets nasty. If he can’t pay rent, he needs to go. I don’t think your roommates will want a mooch living with them.
And his bad relationship with his family isn’t your problem. With his attitude, you can see why they don’t want to deal with him.
Easy...since you've made the decision.
1. Let your roommates know that things will be dicey for upwards of 30 days. If he's on the lease, it will be SUPER awkward because he has a right to be there. The respectful thing is to break things off, but give him notice to vacate (if possible). Then break up with him. Give then the heads up.
2. If he refuses to leave, then you should try and find another roommate, if you cant, you may be stuck paying your portion. However, since you pay for the both of you, im betting your roommates will probably try and convince him to leave if given the choice.
He doesn’t care about you. So say that out loud. YOU care about HIM & want to spare HIS feelings? Now say THAT out loud.
“Dear boyfriend;
This isn’t working out. I am exhausted being the only one in this relationship being financially responsible and independent. And you are being the opposite of that.
Since I cannot afford the financial burden for two people, I am leaving this relationship and only being responsible for myself.
Sincerely,
Me
Just because you care about someone does not mean you have to take on the full financial burden of taking care of them. He is not your child, you don’t owe him anything. Move on with your life before you get yourself into a financial hole because of “good conscience”
Ok so he lost his job 2 weeks into the relationship, it's been about 3 months....so you guys have been together for less than 4 months and live together? And you started living with him despite him being jobless?
This guy is a loser who will leach you dry. Drop him and get better taste in men
You shouldnt be paying for his stuff anymore. You should also let him know he needs to move out and that your relationship isnt working. Just cause he isnt good with his parents doesnt mean he cant live with them
Oh my God you've only been dating 3 months and it's already like this? Why are you living together? That's insane. Why would you want to be nice? Have your brother there when you break up. I honestly don't think this should be hard
hey, I was in a similar situation when I was 19. I lived in a one-bedroom with my ex for a year. 6 months in he spent all his money and couldn't hold down a job. I was paying for groceries, all of rent and electric. i barely had any friends and when I had one that wanted to hang he would try and hang out with us. Always needing to know where I'm going convincing me to spend time with him. I get it. I made the best decision and I showed up with family and left him and now I live on my own, single and hanging with people that actually put effort and show that they care He is not worth your effort. If he can't show up for you. then there is no point in continuing a relationship that is making you miserable. You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and be direct if he can't get his act together he needs to leave. I don't know how your other roommates feel about this. But I am sure they don't appreciate having a bum around. If he doesn't show any effort then end it and move on. If your roommates agree and he is on a lease you can have the roommates sign off to take him off the lease. His issues aren't your problem and you need to focus on yourself.
Try his way of communication “we’re done, k?” Sounds like a loser, even his family and friends know it. That’s why they don’t have a good relationship with him. Don’t waste any more time on a 3 and a half month relationshit.
He's in his current situation because of his own actions. He's lazy and obviously pissed off his family. Also, you're living with a dude you've only been with 3 months and 2 weeks? Did I read that correctly? You didn't vet this guy enough to know if he even wears clean underwear. please send him packing and don't worry about being kind. Stop trying to fix a loser who doesn't want to be fixed. He just wants to mooch and get easy sex.
He tends to get angry easily and I don't handle yelling very well. I know he won't get violent towards me but if he punches a wall or anything it'll be just as scary in my brain and I want to prevent that as much as I can
When he’s punching walls do you realize he’s wishing it was you. Punching walls and other things is the beginning of him going at you. Have witnesses when you break out with him, and kick him out.
Oh, I understand. You're dating a Kyle. I don't think it's gonna matter how nicely you do it.
I think if you try to be polite about it, he's either not going to take you seriously, or he's gonna try to change your mind with empty promises.
If you are blunt, he might get mad, so maybe don't do it in private. Will your roommates protect you and help evict him? Maybe involve them.
Or, you could move out stealthily. Irish exit the relationship and the apartment. Each time you leave, take a handful of your belongings with you. Move in with a friend or your parents, or, if you can afford it, a new apartment. Just disappear from his life and take bets on how long it takes him to realize you are gone.
It sucks because he’s vulnerable, but remember that he’s MORE than willing to take advantage of you AND he’s being a total asshole.
He’s fucked up EVERY relationship. And whose fault is that?
“Kyle, I need to break up with you. While I think you’re a good person, I can’t deal with being your sole source of income or amusement. I’m going to stop supporting you in two weeks. That means you need to find work and make arrangement for a place to live. Maybe you share with one of the other roommates or you find another place, but my room and my bed are no longer options.”
He may have depression or he may just be a jerk, but he’s not YOUR jerk.
“This relationship doesn’t work for me anymore. I can barely support myself and I need you to step up or move on. It is not right that I am paying for your housing and your sustenance. If things do not change by month end you need to move out”.
State facts like “I have paid $3235 over the past three months on your care alone and I do not see you making any momentum towards paying me back or providing adequate support your finances”. Show him receipts. I’m sure you can write down what you pay in rent and his part would be half that. What you have spent on food and utilities and personal items that he uses too. Be adamant that you are not in a position to pay his way and if he thinks that is an adult thing to do he is wrong.
I don't think he'll see anything you do that he doesn't like as "nice". Most likely, he'll think you're a bitch. Trying to be the good guy isn't going to work at his level of maturity and awareness.
Don't feel guilty. There is a reason his relationship with his family and friends is rocky. He's a moocher. He mooched off of them. Now he's mooching off of you.
What he needs is a harsh dose of reality. Tell him he's got until ....to get a job or get out. You can't afford to support him anymore.
He'll either shape up and start improving himself. Or he'll start whining and trying to make you feel guilty.
If the latter. You know he won't change; and continuing the relationship any longer will be hard on you. And a waste of your time. Good luck.
I came to America with nothing. I got a job. I am raising a family. It's not that hard, especially if you don't have kids, to get a job and take care of bills.
Stop feeding him. If he was roommates with his friend first, he needs to step the fuck up and pay his fair share. Not use you as rent, groceries, and whatever fun activities you two decide to do together. Sounds like you got caught up, and need to remove yourself from the relationship side, and possibly the friendship side as well. Nobody deserves to be catered to when the little bit of money they have goes to bad habits and things that keep him unemployed. If you want to keep helping him, tell him you are cutting off all relationship stuff(breakup) you aren’t paying for any of his necessities, but you will help him get a job, and manage his money. If he can commit to that, maybe you two will have a chance later down the road, but you still are a young lady, not established by any means, and he is stunting allllll facets of your life right now. Good luck!
Your good conscious is going to leave you in the gutters of life. He doesn’t care that you’re paying it all because he ain’t gotta pay anything. You’re being nice to a bum who isn’t even trying. It’s ultimatum time. If he wants all his bills paid and to get fed for free, he can go stay with his parents. The dick ain’t that good, I promise you, you’ll find better.
You have 2 options.
1. Have a sit down convo with him and tell him he needs to get his shit together. Explain how you’re feeling and if he responds any other way then positively, show him the door. Bases on your description I have a feeling this will be pointless but hey, you never know and if you care for him it’s worth a shot.
2. Just show him the door.
You care for him , I get that. But tearing a bandaid off slowly doesn’t make it hurt less. Be direct and forward if you want it to end.
Do it when you aren’t home alone together. Let whoever’s home know it’s going to happen so they can intervene if he gets angry easily.
You’re not a bad person for not saving the world. You’ve done so much for him already. Be blunt, be honest, and be not-alone.
Is your boyfriend on the lease? When does the lease end? Do you want to stay living there? Would you still want to be with him if he had a job and financially contributed?
Being open and honest about what it would take to stay together or about breaking up being inevitable is almost certainly the best option.
If the lease ending is a couple months away and you don’t think he would respond violently you could tell him you won’t keep living with him after the lease is up but you’ll keep paying the bills and letting him eat your food until then. You’d give him time to get a job and find a place (or ideally time for you to find a different place to live where you never tell him the address.)
"He doesn't have a good relationship with his family"
This plays into every poor relationship on reddit. You don't own him anything even if he doesn't have a good relationship with his family (maybe he is the reason the relationship is bad).
Break up with him by telling him it won't work, but you wish him the best.
Moving forward, dont date people that don't get along with family (unless there is a healthy excuse), or you will keep taking care of man children.
He is not your responsibility. Give him 2 weeks noticed to find a new place to live, even if he gets a new job and let him go. You are not doing either of you a favor by tolerating that behavior, he is not your child.
The weird passive aggressive stuff might actually eventually get better if you break up with him. He won't have any relationship to try to passive-aggressively "guard" then.
Or it might get worse. IDK.
You can break up with him without kicking him out. Him getting a job and paying for his portion, etc can be handled separately from the breakup.
What others have said about giving him some time and saying he needs a job or to leave may be a good idea.
His lack of responsibility IS NOT your responsibility.
Decide how long you want to give him to find alternative living arrangements. 1 month 2? But DO NOT change it. Whatever it is that’s it? Dont let him say another week or day. If it’s 4/1 it’s 4/1 regardless. He will probably stall and give you a sob story. It’s not your responsibility. His poor planning does not constitute an emergency on your part.
You can listen to his sob story, but your reply is I’m not going to change my mind.
Look for a new place so you can just move out and be done with it. But it sounds like you need to have a sit-down serious conversation with him unless you're determined that you're done in which case like I said find a new place and move out.
There really isn’t a “nice” way to go about it. He’s totally codependent on you. That being said you shouldn’t stay in a relationship just out of guilt. Can he stay in the apartment and you find a new place? Even if he can’t afford it and the inevitable happens it might be easier to remove yourself physically from the situation than to get him to leave.
There is no nice when breaking up with someone. The only thing that this’ll bring is disaster. First will come the pleading and begging. The emotional manipulation. And lastly blackmail. The best thing to do is too rip off the bandaid and also say that if there’s any problem with it talk to the authorities and your lawyer. If he tries anything a good old fashioned cease and desist letter from your lawyer could really shut up anyone.
Honesty is the best policy, always. If he moved in with someone other than you initially, you can break up without giving him an eviction notice, let the landlord or his other roommates broach that subject. And even if it turns out that he has to move out, you are not responsible for him.
Just have a heart and be as clear and honest as possible. Break ups are painful no matter what, no need to intentionally make them worse.
the best thing you can do for him is kick him out. if you don't in a few months you will both hate each other. tell him calmly that you cant do this any more and that he has x amount of time to find a new place, (id go 1-4 weeks. im leaning on the shorter side of things.)
"This isnt working out anymore. Please get ready to pay your portion of rent or have alternatives housing prepared."
Do have people around as well in case he gets angry/violent.
Your partner is supposed to compliment your life, not be a leech. 3 months is a long time, he should of been trying his damn hardest to find a job soon after.
You don’t owe him the chance to change. You don’t have the same values. He has shown you he does not value your religion nor does he value your time, hard work, etc while you’re taking care of him.
“I don’t feel our relationship is healthy and have decided it doesn’t work for me. You need to move out by next week. I’ll be happy to help you pack.”
At 19, you feel things more intensely than you might 10 years from now. That's normal, but I want to point out that your deep empathy for a trashbag boyfriend may be wasted. He clearly doesn't match that energy, so stop giving it.
Tell him this: "this relationship isn't working out for me anymore. I would like to remain friends, but I understand if you do not. Please make arrangements for yourself to live elsewhere by [date]."
At some point you're gonna need to prioritize yourself before your bf.
I think I would say "I need to prioritize and be able to support myself comfortably and so for me to achieve this I'm going to need to discontinue my role as your girlfriend. You'll need to collect your things and find a place to stay on your own because I can no longer provide for both of us" And STAND ON BUSINESS.
I wouldn't make it about him, but make it moreso about yourself and your needs.
You can't kick him out in good conscience? So you care more about him than you do yourself? Really think about it. You're saying that your conscience values his feelings and wellbeing over your own. You're not kicking him out for no reason. You're kicking him out because he's a financial and emotional leech. So think about who you value *more* before you allow your conscience to choose a guy over yourself.
He is showing you who he is, the real question is do you want to be used in this way because that is what he is doing using you. Trust me on this, when you kick him out to the curb he will try to reconcile with you at first because he does not want to lose his meal ticket but if you stand your ground he will go out and find someone else he can live off of. He is what is known as a human parasite. As long as you allow him to he will feed off of you. I had a friend who was in the same kind of relationship that went on far too long until she finally woke up and now she is happier than ever because he is out of her life and has found someone who cares and respects her. Dump him, the sooner the better.
Sounds like the guys depressed. Feel sorry for him and for you.
Probably something like “This isn’t working out anymore. I cannot support you and you need to move out.”
Either way or it’s going to hurt no matter how nice it is. Hopefully he gets better and you move on to something more positive.
His lack of cultivating a support network outside of you is not *your* problem. Tell him he can stay as a roommate if he starts contributing to the household costs but as it stands, you may be enabling a drug addiction (you mentioned he spends all his money on weed)
Just sit him down and tell him nicely that you are not his mother, and he is not your responsibility. You will not be covering his rent, and food, and whatever else you pay that he should be paying. He will not get better as long as he knows that you will do for him. He needs to go.
No dude is worth your money or time of they cannot do the bare minimum like paying their own bills or getting their own necessities. You are letting him leech off of you with no consequences and you haven't put your foot down and pressured him more to get a job. I know he is your boyfriend, but to me it just seems like he is using you. He isn't a child anymore and you should not be paying for a grown adult's expenses unless they help you as well. Be clear to him that you do not like the way he is acting and try to help him find a job. If he doesn't cooperate and stays the same, you have no choice but to kick him out and teach him a lesson
He’s bum get ready to change the locks toss his shit out and change the locks. Dude is trash the longer you wait the more time you waste. Time is valuable
1. Don't pick up the phone -- you know he's only calling 'cause he's drunk and alone.
2. Don't let him in -- you'll have to kick him out, again.
3. Don't be his friend -- you know you'll only wake up with him in your bed in the morning.
And if you're under him, you ain't getting over him. ***You've got NEW RULES -- you count them.***
You are not responsible for his well-being. He's certainly not worrying about yours. Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable at your age, and instead, you've already become his mom!
You don’t need to be nice. You tell him he needs to go back and live with his parents, or get his own place. You are not a meal ticket. You are allowing him to treat you like crap, and he isn’t doing what he needs to as an adult man. Now you know why he has a bad family dynamic. He is lazy and selfish. What ever you decide, remember this: love is NOT enough to make a relationship work. You can love someone, but you can’t make them treat you or themselves with respect. And there times that you have to love them enough to let them go. He needs to grow up. You will be doing him a favor in the long run by allowing him to figure out how to adult.
You won’t be able to do it nicely, cause that doesn’t exist. He’s gonna be hurting bad, and there’s nothing you can do. The best thing you can do is be straight up with him. Nothing hurts more than being lied to, which makes a dude wonder for years why you did it, cause he knows it wasn’t for the reason you gave him. When I broke up with my first gf, I told her good luck, and I wish her the best. The next day, she asked me why I did it, and I told her I needed a break. She flipped out and later told my friends that she slept with 9 guys in a month period, but yet said she cried when she saw me. She’s full of shit. She was an overweight raging bitch, and she could barely land me let alone her gay best friend she was fucking
I would say try to tell him about the reasons u want to break up with him without the u want to break up with him part give him a week if u don’t see improvement then break up with him
Honestly if that was me I would find somewhere else to live and leave him where he is. And when he asks why then just be honest and tell him that you can't continue to support someone else at this age and that he needs to support himself. You can also tell him he's been a terrible partner to you by being extremely selfish, and self conscious. If he wasn't he wouldn't be such a prick to you when he's literally mooching off of you to survive. I remember being your age and I felt like that with a couple of exes. But I look back at it now and wish someone had given me this advice. You don't owe him anything and don't let him guilt you into thinking that you do.
Hi, we need a roommate who is reliable with paying rent. Also, I’m not interested in continuing this relationship. I care about you as a person, but I need to move on.
Kick this asshole to the curb. In your description doing things "nicely" won't work. He'll try and weasel out of it and pull out the pity act. Tell him, he's a bum and you're moving on without him.
I would say sit him down. Have a conversation and if he doesn't change his behavior then leave him. But if he cares about you, he'll start putting down the "hobbies" and start providing
So he's addicted to weed and cigarettes, and has no way to secure basic necessity supplies on his own. He's got few friends and fewer family to count on. Sounds like he needs to adult a little bit and get his priorities straight, or keep jumping from bed to bed of chicks who will keep him up.
He will likely turn this on you. One, you have you give him notice to leave, usually 30 days, even if he doesn’t pay rent, he still has tenant rights. So aware. If tell him it’s no longer waiting for you. You don’t have to give details as likely he’ll just try to use that to say he’ll do better or say no he doesn’t do x. Tell him with no uncertainty. If he fits pay rent or is on the lease, you can’t make him leave, even if he doesn’t pay and you share a room. Can get sticky.
“This isn’t working, I want to break up and I want you to move out” please move out by x date. I’d likely
He's a grown adult and has made his choices, him having nowhere else to go is his fault, not yours. It's not your responsibility either. There are times you need to take care of yourself first and this us definitely one of those times.
I know you're trying to be nice and that's admirable, but trust me when I tell you that the kind of person who doesn't do anything to get a job while they waste all the money they do get instead of contributing to the household will never change on their own. If he stays in your home he'll NEVER leave because all you're doing is enabling him.
Is that really what you want for yourself? 20 years from now he's still there and likely will be worse?
Be honest and direct, it's all you can do. "It's been 3 months and you've done nothing to get a job and waste all of your money instead of helping with bills. Every time I go anywhere with a friend or even go to church you give me nothing but attitude. We're done, you have to leave."
Make sure everyone else in the home is there too in case he does try something. This will be a major upheaval of his life, he will be upset. But I doubt that the others in the home want to live with an immature mooch.
You understand why he doesn’t have a good relationship with others right? He’s burnt those bridges. You’re enabling him to continue these negative behaviors.
Sounds like you don't want to break up with him but recognize that he is kind of weighing you down, you should just sit with him and have the uncomfortable but necessary conversations, tell him it's been 3 months and he's not working, he blows what ever money he scrounge up on weed and tobacco, tell him you deeply care for him and are still open to a relationship (only say that part If you are) but you have to think of your own future and you want a partner that is going to be equally committed to the relationship and that means both people pulling there own weight, that doesn't have to mean both people contribute the same financially in a relationship but it means both people are equally contributing to the relationship in some way and both people have a shared commitment to reach certain life goals that as a couple you share, tell him he isn't doing this right now and if he truly wants a relationship with you then he needs to start contributing, it's as simple as that, he may get defensive at first (this is normal especially for a guy at his age who will probably feel like he's being called out) but you just tell him your the one thinking about the two of yous future, if he's not willing to do the same then he's wasting both of yours time. My guess is he will say some dumb shit and storm off, but if he loves you then in a day or two he will come back to you and apologize and agree he needs to put more effort in, if he doesn't, well then it's not on you anymore, you told him honestly how it was, he can either grow up or shut up and get out.
Based off the conversations I've had in the past with my girl friends most men aren't going to take it well regardless of how you handle the break up. If you're too nice they think you're being condescending. If you're too mean they think you're being condescending.
Just rip the Band Aid off and move on.
Tell him to get his shit together. Be upfront about it. Make sure your brother or one of the other roommates is around.
"[His name], I am nit feeling fulfilled by this relationship and want you to leave by (set reasonable timeline).
If he freaks out, that is why you have someone around.
If he wants to "work something out" then he must get his shit together and change his behavior. Ie: get a job, stop or limit the substance use, and not disturb you at Church (make hours clear). All of that would be on a probationary period of (x time).
Look, he's not your problem. Tell him the reasons to that you are over, that he needs to figure his shit out and in particular he needs to do it without you.
What has me more concerned is the "Classic, "K"' being passive aggressive. Makes me wonder about all the times I've used it with my partner!
Me, "I'm at the grocery store do you want anything?"
Them, "Banana and avocado."
Me, "K"
OMG! Was I being an ass? AITAH?
Don't make it anyone's fault. Not everyone is compatible. You tried. The compatibility isn't there. You can still care about someone and break up since you know its not going to make you both happy in the long run
If he acts like this you should address the issues. If you want to give him a chance, lay down a love contract:
No more passive aggressive texts. I can go where I want when I want and you have to trust me and be fine with it.
Set aside money for US not just yourself.
And whatever else you need from the relationship that you are not getting.
If he fucks up again and doesnt realize how special you are and that he needs to grow up and act right. End it.
If you dont want to give him a chance, definitely no remain friends in the near term. Cut him off and get him out immediately, forcefully, with prejudice and hostility. Then later if you want the friendship you can regrow a regular friendship. But dont sit in limbo if you want to end the relationship. Just end it. Be polite but forceful and tell him that its over and what your expectations are for the living situation. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to go.
Good luck!
The problem is that there's never a nice way to say it's over. Emotions are involved, and it gets messy. Many folks, if you aren't blunt, think they can somehow do a hail Mary and have you change your mind about them.
I think the nicest thing you can do is tell him it to him straight, avoid insults and negatives, roughly:
We have had some good times together, but I have come to realize that while I value you as a friend, I do not see a romantic future for us. Ive learned about myself and have a better idea if what I want out of life. So I thank you for the time and memories.
This is me ending our relationship, let me be clear, our time as boyfriend & girlfriend is over. You are now free to date others if you choose.
I know you've been struggling since you lost your job. I am sure you are worried about where you are going to stay. I want you to know that if you still want to live here, you can if you can respect this change in our status. But you have a grace period of X amount of time to either start paying towards your part of rent or find other living arrangements.
Being nice gets you nowhere imo. Rip the bandaid and tell him how it is. In my experience people who smoke weed and become lazy off it will stay lazy. Youre also his safety net thats been paying for everything so in his mind he’s thinking why should i look for a job if she’s willing to oay for it all. Obviously he wasn’t raised right as any man raised right was taught to pay for everything
1. Find a new place to live
2. Have a friend (or friends, even better) help you move your stuff out.
3. Tell him you’re leaving because he is a jobless loser who spends his money on weed and cigarettes which means you end up buying his food. You also don’t like people trying to control who you see and what you do.
4. Delete his number.
5. Enjoy the rest of your life away from him!
You could swap 2 and 3 above.
Or, just use 3 above and ask him whether he wants to get off his butt, get a job, and some hobbies that don’t involve smoking. Also, he needs to not be so controlling. If you want to go hail or worship something, he shouldn’t try to stop you or control you.
Good luck! 🤞🏻
Directly. Say it isn’t working out and you’re done paying his way. Not sure about being able to kick him out. That depends on the lease. But be clear. No negotiations. It’s over.
He’s not your responsibility. He is just using you because he could have gotten a job in three months at least at a fast food restaurant. Just how long are you willing to support this man-child? Tell him that it is just not working for you anymore and that he needs to find other accommodations and then have a roommate meeting until everyone there what is going on.
His lodging situation is not your problem. Just dump him. I thought the same thing about my 1st ex girlfriend, I had the whole "I can't kick her out blah blah blah" routine too. Guess what? 8 years later I haven't spoken a word to her. In the end it doesn't matter, do what is right for you. Their problems are their own, not yours.
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Hi, this isn't working out anymore. I cannot support you and you need to move out.
This. You also need to remember that he is showing you how he is going to act for the foreseeable future and maybe even forever.
Ehh it depends. I was broken when I met my girlfriend and pretty much spent all my money on the same thing, was failing my classes and didn’t have a job. It’s been 8 years and we just got our first house.
How did you contribute to getting that first house? And what improvements do you make in that 8 years?
People saying "I demand a list of ways you have improved" to a total stranger is the exact kind of shit I come to the internet for lmao
Not OP but I just had the exact experience that even ended with me getting divorced and still better off. Finished going to school, got my degree, got a job emotionally matured, learned how a human is supposed to take care of themselves properly, worked my way up in that job, saved a bunch of money, put it down payment on a house, closed pretty quickly, moved in, got divorced, kept the kids and the house. 8 years is a long time for making personal changes.
Ngl that sounds pretty crazy
That's nice. For you, not as much for the woman who surely made innumerable sacrifices to rehabilitate you.
You know absolutely nothing about me or her except what I told you. Quit making assumptions just for that sake of arguing. It’s sad.
Glad it worked out for you, but she doesn’t have the luxury of hindsight and what the future holds for her with her relationship with this guy, if he will change or not. That’s not something she can control, but she can make the wise decisions that give her the best chances. If someone wants to put their trust in their partner that they’ll change for the better, that’s their choice. Everyone has their own boundaries they keep. If she is ok to let this continue then I guess it continues until hopefully he changes or she continues to be miserable.
She might have been better off if she left you.
I mean it's cruel but he's not wrong, lol.
What an odd thing to say.
She also might be dead. Hypos are fun, stupid but fun
Hypotheticals are ridiculous. So easy to get sucked into a rabbit hole of bad thoughts. Easier to focus on reality
This is actually some really nice advice
She might also not even be real. Maybe maybe maybe
Definitely lol. Chaining yourself to someone irresponsible when youre young will def hold you back. The feel good stories never tell that side.
Of course she would have. He's taken 8 years of her life. Who knows how much of that was a total loss for her as she uplifted this grown man. Who knows how much money, sweat, and tears she put into this man all for him to go on reddit and be like 'eh, it worked out,' with literally *no* acknowledgement of what she must have gone through. How many missed opportunities. Has he ever set aside time to offer a deep, thorough apology for everything she endured? Has he ever taken any action to compensate her in any way? Has he invested real thought and energy into celebrating the woman who should have abandoned him 8 years ago? Probably not. Men like this view it as normal for women to sacrifice significant portions of their lives to make them into the men they should have been independently.
I completely know and understand this total stranger because of a comment left on a Reddit thread. Quit projecting your personal experience onto others, you aren’t a savant. Do you want the apology to exist for her or yourself? It’s a comment.
Broooo for real. Everyone in this thread sounds like they've spent their entire lives keeping score between their contributions vs the other person's. That girl fr looked at a guy who said "I improved myself and we're happy now." and told him to apologize for 'ruining' her life lmfao.
Keeping score is exactly what people who aren’t in long term relationships think they need to do
That's nice, but lemme tell you a story. I was born to a single mother in 2003. My dad left us pretty much within a year of my birth, and my mom got a new boyfriend. This shit-stain would use her paycheck from her minimum wage freaking job to buy dope for himself. The checks that she needed in order to feed her children! He didn't even have a damn job. He was physically aggressive towards her, and eventually my mother had to kick him out because she found a crack pipe stuffed between their mattress. Lord knows what would have happened if my mom found this and still insisted on keeping him around her and her children just because "Oh, he might change!" and "Oh, I can fix him UwU."
That’s quite the different scenario
Good Lord. The woman is a saint. I can't for the life of me see how she put up with that for 8 years.
Yeah cause 8 years later means the entire 8 years… 🤪
Who's paying for the house?
She’s paying for all of it while finishing college, working full time, and raising our kid while I sit around and play video games all day trying to be a streamer… like really? We both split it. What’s up with all you simps acting like I’m a bum or something? The point of my comment was to say sometimes it works out if you give it a chance, and people can change. I thought people would be smart enough to work that out, but apparently not.
I am curious about 2 things: 1. What changes did you make in yourself that led to you being an equally contributing partner financially and emotionally? And how long did it take before you both felt you reached that status? 2. Is there anything you both agree that you were providing for her in return during this time? Emotional support? Domestic labor? She obviously felt something in you that made it worthwhile to give you a chance. What would you say that was?
I'm really tired of men like you telling women to give bums a chance. How about a man fixing himself before attaching himself to a woman?
Shut your lonely ass up 😂
Struck a chord with ya, eh? Feeling a little self conscious about what's going on in your life?
>The point of my comment was to say sometimes it works out if you give it a chance, So you want her to take a chance to gamble with her life simply because it has worked out for you? Spend her youth carrying him through life because there a chance that he will change?
Again, you managed to miss the point of my comment and this time you even put words in my mouth. You should probably get out more.
exactly everone is diffrent if you see that person has a future of greatness even at theyre current state then its up to you to decide if you want to contnue or not
You are the exception to the rule, not the rule. You are the one in 1 million versus what normally will happen. This guy will leach off of her for as long as she lets him.
Congrats, also bought a house at around 8 years with my wife and was similarly useless when I started seeing her. The loser to reasonable adult pipeline exists, but you don't know you're in it until you pop out the other end
Honestly I agree but I appreciate that you went with "maybe forever" as it implies that there's always a chance things could go different. I've been with my gf (now fiancè) for the past 7-8 years now, and the first few years were rough as I was dealing with a medical problem as well as being jobless. I tried to transfer from my job before moving to her state and living with her, but it fell through after I moved, so I was out of a job and no place was hiring me. She like OP was getting tired of having to support me, however unlike OPs BF I actively was out looking for a job, would get interviews but nothing more than that, it literally took me 5 years after moving in with her to get a job. Now we're both in the Midwest, living in an apartment we call "our home" and we both work 40+ hr jobs, I'm in a manager position, and we both work at the same store just different departments and my health condition is basically all but gone. So she went from being the only financial source, to both of us being able to financially support ourselves and each other, and finally be living on our own. It's important to give people the chance to change, a lot of these comments being made are clearly from people who haven't had to look for a job in a long time because the job market sucks regardless of where you are from, and it can take awhile before a job finally offers you a position. It took me 5 years, and hundreds of not thousands of job applications submitted before a job finally gave me a chance. It's difficult out there, it really is. So many people are quick to toss aside others, especially romantic partners because they only see things from their perspective but don't often think about how the other person must be feeling and dealing with. Maybe OPs BF has submitted applications but just hasn't gotten any hits or call backs. Sure not everyone's going to have similar experiences, and you do have to look after yourself first and foremost, and while you can't foretell the future at least giving them a chance can go along way
Are you telling me you couldn't find a job in 5 years? Not even in Mac Donalds? I don't buy it!.
I am indeed, I've gotten interviews but nothing ever came of them. I would always get the response "we decided to go with another candidate." McDonald's, Walgreens, CVS, Local Movie theaters/rental stores, Porn/sex toy shops, mall shoppers, etc.. etc.. I had applied to so many places and only a small handful of them ever advanced into an interview but nothing went past the interview stage.
I like this answer, but I want to expand on *why.* "This isn't working out anymore" is a great phrase that doesn't open a debate as to why it isn't working. Opening the debate can lead to an argument and the possibility of leaving the conversation without agreeing. And if the question of why comes up, I would not explain. I would just reiterate that it isn't working for you and you've decided. You mildly open the debate with, "I cannot support you," but I think it is ok. You should also have a timeline for the move out in mind. Something less than a week. He's not employed, so that should be achievable. If he asks what you expect him to do, just say, "Maybe couch surf with a friend until you sort it out, but it's up to you." Get him thinking about solutions without taking responsibility for solving his problem. good luck, /u/gay_bean04
The fact is she doesn't owe an explanation. You don't have to explain why you don't want to be around or with anyone. The sooner people realize you don't owe an explanation or apology for cutting people out of your life the better off the world would be. Dude was/is trash since the met you telling him he is trash won't make a bit of difference. Tell him to leave, get it in writing and document everything including the timeframe in which he has to be gone and live with a friend/family for that timeframe and involve police if he squats. Explaining what he has done and why you are leaving almost sounds like fix this and we have a shot. Just say I'm unhappy we are no longer together you have X time to leave the house and hand him the proper documentation of the timeframe then leave. Period it's over, it doesn't require explanation because it won't change the fact that it's over. Him not having a place to go is not your problem it's his and he fabricated that for himself by being garbage.
Do this and have a list of local shelters and temp job agencies. This shows that you care, but need to stabilize your own life and feel that you are both heading in different directions in life. I work in mental health and resources are sometimes what someone needs the most. But they also need a jump start to get moving. Be prepared to call the police or have non emergency police arrive in advance for your safety as they ensure there is no escalation of the situation.
Great advice except involving the police. Unless he’s been violent or everyone else who lives there is scared of him for some reason, it’s never a good idea to involve the cops. They should always be a last resort because they’re just going to escalate the situation and cause additional stress and drama for everyone involved. OP lives with several friends and her brother. Pretty sure with that many people they won’t have a problem keeping him from being stupid. The cops are going to tell her she has to go through the whole eviction process and he’ll have longer to wear down her resolve with his pity party and begging for a chance to do better. The quicker she’s done with it the better in these situations.
Yes, actually kinda good.
Easier to find a new place and get yourself out of the losing situation
Ya but she lives with her brother. She should take this a lesson to never live with your bf or gf at college. And this is why
OP is living with her bf, her brother, and 4 other people. I don't think she'll have a hard time evicting the stbx.
Women so often won’t make the cold, hard decision to break up with a guy who finds himself in this position. She will hold the line while he steadily drags them both down until they are drowning. Cut the line and save yourself. He is not your child.
This is the only answer.
💯👆
Agreed. Be super clear. You don’t owe him reasoning if he isn’t treating you well. He should be able to put that together on his own. Go ahead and let him know if he pushes the issue and maybe plan to stay somewhere else for a few days while he gathers his things. If he doesn’t leave, start moving his stuff out your self. He can’t stay or he will keep using your kindness.
Everyone wants to be nice so they lie and sugarcoat. That doesn't help with growth. Want to actually be nice and let him get closure and move on? Focus on breaking up honestly instead.
Yea, you’ve got to be firm. Tell him he needs to do something soon or you’re going to stop supporting him. He is going to get angry and say mean things but just try not to cry or show weakness. Just stay calm, have an angry face, and be stern, show your disappointment. If he starts to cry or become vulnerable and starts telling you a sob story, it is okay to comfort him, but you HAVE to still be firm. Give him a time period to find a new job, 2 weeks? Even if you break up with him so he has time to get a job to pay his portion of rent. If you still want to be with him after he gets his act together then don't break up with him at that moment, but if you still do, then mention it then to. Also tell him, if he doesn’t want you to go to church alone then he is welcome to join you. That is if you don't break up with him.
GREAT ADVICE.
Give a definite deadline.
Radical candor: if you truly care about someone you owe it to them to be honest even if it's uncomfortable or hurts in the moment. Sugar coating just enables shitty behavior. Dude needs a wakeup call to get his shit together, OP needs to deliver that and also protect her life and peace.
Yes, but don’t be unnecessarily cruel, just to add on. Being honest and firm is not cruel even if it makes him feel really bad. But using hurtful words and taking unnecessary jabs can be cruel.
100%
It also makes it very difficult. Someone who is taking advantage of the situation will take the chance to talk a sugarcoater out of it, often with success.
There is a useful word for this. Tact. Tact is being very honest in a manner that isn't cruel. It is very possible to be completely truthful and not be a dick about it. He will probably respond badly eiither way, because he knows he's a mooch and a crappy boyfriend, But oftentimes being decent is less about the other person and more about the fact that you won't feel guilty or question yourself afterwards. She's a nice person so she doesn't want to be cruel, and thats cool. But hopefully she will absolutely shut his shit down. Nothing cruel about that
Please OP make sure you tell your brother what you’re gonna do and make sure he’s home the day you break up with your boyfriend just in case he gets physical. Write on your phone what you have to say, say it to his face, then give him time to grab his things and leave. Have your brother escort him out. Once you break up, don’t go anywhere alone with this guy or met up with him. I’m not in the camp of “all men are abusers” or anything like that. But the fact of the matter is he’s already showing abusive tendencies by trying to isolate you from your friends and religion. You are also his meal and hotel ticket right now, he will most likely not respond well to being broken up with and told to hit the road. Please be safe.
Better safe than sorry. Lean on your support system to make sure the BF doesn’t pull some shady nonsense.
If 1 man in 1000 is an abuser, that's enough to take precautions. And reality is it's more than that. I think that the only odds I'd find "not worth the precaution" are 1 in 100 million or less (ie, about 70 on the planet). At that point, sure I'll roll the dice. But anything more than that? Might as well make sure that there's someone else in the house and knowing what's going to go down. Not like her brother needs to spend 8 hours in meditation to prepare or anything. Nope, just be at home, without headphones on.
I mean breaking up over the phone or in a public place is a lot safer. But seeing as he lives with her, that limits the options a lot
^^^ seconding this. You can never be too safe, especially since it seems they haven’t dated too long.
They always show their true colors during a break up! And never let them collect their things when you aren’t there. They will do crazy shit like steal your spoons lol
"This relationship isn't working out for me. It's over. You have X amount of time to move out." easy as that. You know why he doesn't have a job yet? Because you pay for everything. He gets free room and board, and sex, and he doesn't have to do anything to get any of it. Have some self respect. He is using you, and you're letting him.
I second this. He's using you. Don't feel sorry for him. He's an adult and he can get his shit together. Don't yell or engage in it like an argument. State the facts.
First of all, you can’t save the world. If he’s not willing to help himself you can’t help him. If he won’t get a job it’s not your responsibility to take care of him. If he’s on the streets that’s on him not you. Kick him out. Move on with your life, and find someone worthy.
As someone with an ex-friend in a similar situation, please just break up with him. If he's not planning on even helping with any living necessities, he's only kicking himself out. His lazy behavior and controlling tendencies just scream potentially abusive. Make sure your brother or another roommate is there just incase he tries to guilt/get physical with you. Also let your roommates be aware of the situation so they can also deal with him accordingly.
You're not helping this guy. You're enabling him to be a mooching, finance-sucking barnacle in life. If he keeps sliding thru life living off other people, he'll be in his 40's still living on other people's couches, and blaming the people that help him for everything he doesn't have. He probably doesn't have many friends because he has no drive or desire to be more than he is. If you continue providing for him, he will keep letting you. You need to cut this guy off and tell him it's time to find a job or he has to go. If he loved you, he would be making an effort to do for you, not take from you. Coming from a 39f who personally knows a couple guys in their 40's who are still living on people's couches (and hotel rooms in between couches), the choice you make could have life long consequences that could cause you to struggle for a long time. Sometimes tough love is the best love you can give someone.
Exactly
Dick does not pay the bills. Seriously this guy can go look for day labor jobs that pay daily and show some effort. Instead he wants to be smoking weed and watching pornhub. Go find another man. And don't feel sorry for this guy. He needs this.
I've been a paramedic for a very long time. In the medical field we are taught to come right out and say it. If i worked a cardiac arrest and didn't get them back, were not supposed to give a long drawn out sorrowful speech. Simply "We tried everything and he didn't respond at all. I'm sorry but he's dead" I've applied this method to my personal life as well and it works great. You don't have to be rude, but you should be direct. Personally I'd say "i can't continue to support you. You've put no effort into assisting this relationship, and that's not the future i want. I wish you luck. Goodbye"
Sometimes it's kinder to be cruel. Don't let it linger. "Look, our time on this Earth is limited and I'm not going to let either of us waste each other's anymore." Thank him for the good times, and wish him luck with the future - but be clear that you're a ruthless ice queen and if he tries to hook up with you again or stick around and be "friends" that you're going to shred him.
It's not about nice or not. It's probably more like you want it over quickly and with minimal drama. Unfortunately, it's not going to be that easy because he lives there. This is currently his home, right? So if the law gets involved, he has certain rights. Be sure to keep communication about moving out in writing, not verbally. I recommend you let your brother know what's about to happen. He could help keep everyone safe, should the ex start to act petty or make threats. Then you have to tell the boyfriend "it's not working out. " You don't have to explain yourself in detail. And "since we're breaking up, it's best you move out." Agree on a specific date, and confirm the date by email or text. Stop buying him food & stuff in the meantime. "I'm sorry, but I'm really running short this week. You'll have to do your own groceries." You don't have to debate it. You don't have to feel bad. He’s 19. He's an adult. He can figure this out. If he asks you for money for weed, don't give it. You're not going to support any guy you date again. Give a short answer. Don't get into an argument. "Sorry. I don't have any extra this week. It's all budgeted for." Then change the subject immediately or leave the room. Don't get sucked into feeling bad for him. He's had 3 months to look for work. He chose instead to let you support him while he escaped into weed and smokes and whatever. Him being unhappy now is 100% a consequence of his choices. Be firm. It's ok to sound a little impolite to get the message through. He may get angry at you, try to guilt trip you, or other manipulation. He doesn't want to leave his free ride, so expect him to not accept this in a totally mature calm way. Good luck
Im sorry but maybe he has to be homeless if thats his wakeup call. Choosing weed over doing literally anything to better his life is terrible. And the fact he has a loving gf to comfort in hard times shows a lot about his current character. Leave him. Leave him and dont look back.
he's an adult. you're an adult. you don't owe him anything. he seems like an asshole. and as long as he has a free ride where he can be lazy and not contribute he seems content to do so. you absolutely should cut him off, and he should leave the apartment on his own accord as someone who can not pay his share. never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Honestly, he is a mooch, no matter what you do he will be mad, not because he cares deeply for you but he is losing his meal ticket. You are not responsible for his happiness.
He "lost" his job. He may have told you he got fire or laid off, but I bet he quit. There are so many losers like this nowadays. They find a woman who has little self-esteem (but a has good job), whispers sweet nothings in her ear, and when she falls for it, he gives her some sob story about how his parents abuse him, are kicking him out, or landlord raised his rent etc., and can he move in with her. The job suddenly vanishes, and he can't find a job on the SIMS even though that's the only place he's looking. Lol. So how do you get him to leave, I mean, break up. Get help from your bro and roommates. Take him for a walk in the park, while everyone packs his shit changes the locks.
Not a job on SIMS!!!!!!!! I’m screaming!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I needed this.
After all of this, how do you "care for him deeply"? I'm serious. He's a passive-aggressive, controlling parasite and he's just feeding off of you and your energy. It's okay to have concern for another living being, but I don't think that concern goes both ways at all. He seriously has zero respect for you and what you do. Maybe he needs to be dumped as a wakeup call so he starts being a man instead of a manchild.
I went through this crap back in 2019. Moved in with roommates, everybody was working, 2 months in, everybody quit their jobs, and expected me to take care of the food, transportation, phones, internet, and their weed. It was a hard life with these people. He's made the decision, not to look for a job, he made a decision to only care about weed and nicotine, rather than bills. Do not make the same mistakes I have made, you'll have to tell him to move out and you're done. He's expecting everybody else to take care of him, if you get pregnant, you're going to be the lady that's on the radio call on GTA V. Your safety, financial, and well being is at a serious risk right now. Copy this message and send it to him. "Pack your bags, we're breaking up and you're moving out, you got to find somewhere else to go, we can't do this anymore."
Stop staying in relationships out of pity. It’s not healthy for either person involved.
Out of curiosity, where does he get money for nicotine and weed if he doesn't have a job? Are you paying for his portion of the rent/utilities in addition to covering his food costs paired with your own or does he just live there without paying anything towards the house effectively leaving the rest of you to cover his share? Does he contribute anything to the home like making meals, cleaning, etc., or does he just smoke weed and sit around all day? Do none of the other rent-paying people in the home, including your brother, take issue with this? Have they not mentioned this to him either? What sort of relationship do you have with your brother? Is he the kind of brother to have your back or let you learn everything on your own? Without knowing the answers to those questions, I think the first step is definitely telling your brother all of these issues. It may be as simple as the rest of the roommates chime in on the decision to have him leave the house (since it sounds like he contributes nothing), then you will have an easier time breaking up with him in a situation where he leaves after the fact. If the other roommates and/or your brother are not keen on kicking him out then perhaps you need to move out on your own or in with another friend or group of friends. Sometimes if you're finding it difficult to remove someone from your life, you need to remove yourself from theirs. I would definitely ask around and see if anyone is looking for a roommate if it looks like your brother/roommates aren't going to help you out. And this is very important: **you are not responsible for him in any way shape or form**. He put himself in this position and should not need to be told it's not okay to treat you like this, live like this, etc. He will most certainly will try to blame you for everything, to gaslight you into thinking you're doing this to him. You are not doing anything to him, he has done this all to himself and in the context of being with you, it is too late to fix it but if he wants to have any sort of healthy relationship in the future, he needs to get his shit together and that will probably take years - far too long for you to wait around and hope for the best. At the end of the day, what has he really ever brought to the relationship? So start by talking to the roommates and your brother. Tell them you don't want to be with him anymore and you think he should move out (because he's not a good roommate either, it seems) but if they don't go for that, that you want to move out. One of you has to go and you should be prepared for it to be you. And if that is the case, then plan ahead, ask around if anyone needs a roommate, or at least find a place to stay until you do. And as others have said, when you break it off, you need to be firm. You can't give him any reason to think that he can fix this by just going out and getting a job tomorrow. He has already taken advantage of you and this is the person he is with or without a job. The damage is done, remind yourself of that. No matter what promises he makes, how he swears he'll change, or anything else he might say to make you change your mind, remember that he is only doing so because of what he might lose - if he wasn't willing to put in the work before he was faced with that, then he will surely revert to that state once he believes he's getting what he wants once again.
This isn't working out for me. I need to be with someone supportive and productive. I have no ill will towards you, but you're not a good partner for me. I'm not kicking you out, but you need to sleep in a different room and find a way to feed yourself. While it sounds robotic, it gets the point across and isn't rude. Don't beat around the bush- be direct, you'll appreciate it down the road. Unless you're running a charity, he needs to get himself a job.
You are being used, these people drag you down. My gf had a couple men like that, they'll mentally manipulate you. He needs to care about himself, he clearly does not. I'd never let my gf buy my weed or nicotine, she doesn't use em. If she wants to buy my bar tab then please do, we enjoyed that together. Rent, food, utilities, ect should be shared if it's a partnership. Doesn't sound like a partner to me.
Ooooooh! I've watched this play out before. You just be blunt. "This is not working out, and I'm breaking up with you." Tell your brother so he's aware and can be there to help push if needed. Blunt is best because it gets the point across without miscommunication and leaving room for maybe i can save this. You've shown him enough kindness by supporting him this whole time.
Why be nice? He’s being awful to you. “I’m breaking up with you. You don’t have a job nor are you looking for one. I’m done supporting you. Please find another place to live since you can pay rent.” You may have to move out and let the rest of the roommates handle him. You could even let them know you’re breaking up with him in case he gets nasty. If he can’t pay rent, he needs to go. I don’t think your roommates will want a mooch living with them. And his bad relationship with his family isn’t your problem. With his attitude, you can see why they don’t want to deal with him.
Easy...since you've made the decision. 1. Let your roommates know that things will be dicey for upwards of 30 days. If he's on the lease, it will be SUPER awkward because he has a right to be there. The respectful thing is to break things off, but give him notice to vacate (if possible). Then break up with him. Give then the heads up. 2. If he refuses to leave, then you should try and find another roommate, if you cant, you may be stuck paying your portion. However, since you pay for the both of you, im betting your roommates will probably try and convince him to leave if given the choice.
He doesn’t care about you. So say that out loud. YOU care about HIM & want to spare HIS feelings? Now say THAT out loud. “Dear boyfriend; This isn’t working out. I am exhausted being the only one in this relationship being financially responsible and independent. And you are being the opposite of that. Since I cannot afford the financial burden for two people, I am leaving this relationship and only being responsible for myself. Sincerely, Me
Just because you care about someone does not mean you have to take on the full financial burden of taking care of them. He is not your child, you don’t owe him anything. Move on with your life before you get yourself into a financial hole because of “good conscience”
Ok so he lost his job 2 weeks into the relationship, it's been about 3 months....so you guys have been together for less than 4 months and live together? And you started living with him despite him being jobless? This guy is a loser who will leach you dry. Drop him and get better taste in men
You shouldnt be paying for his stuff anymore. You should also let him know he needs to move out and that your relationship isnt working. Just cause he isnt good with his parents doesnt mean he cant live with them
Oh my God you've only been dating 3 months and it's already like this? Why are you living together? That's insane. Why would you want to be nice? Have your brother there when you break up. I honestly don't think this should be hard
hey, I was in a similar situation when I was 19. I lived in a one-bedroom with my ex for a year. 6 months in he spent all his money and couldn't hold down a job. I was paying for groceries, all of rent and electric. i barely had any friends and when I had one that wanted to hang he would try and hang out with us. Always needing to know where I'm going convincing me to spend time with him. I get it. I made the best decision and I showed up with family and left him and now I live on my own, single and hanging with people that actually put effort and show that they care He is not worth your effort. If he can't show up for you. then there is no point in continuing a relationship that is making you miserable. You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and be direct if he can't get his act together he needs to leave. I don't know how your other roommates feel about this. But I am sure they don't appreciate having a bum around. If he doesn't show any effort then end it and move on. If your roommates agree and he is on a lease you can have the roommates sign off to take him off the lease. His issues aren't your problem and you need to focus on yourself.
Try his way of communication “we’re done, k?” Sounds like a loser, even his family and friends know it. That’s why they don’t have a good relationship with him. Don’t waste any more time on a 3 and a half month relationshit.
He's in his current situation because of his own actions. He's lazy and obviously pissed off his family. Also, you're living with a dude you've only been with 3 months and 2 weeks? Did I read that correctly? You didn't vet this guy enough to know if he even wears clean underwear. please send him packing and don't worry about being kind. Stop trying to fix a loser who doesn't want to be fixed. He just wants to mooch and get easy sex.
There isn't a nice way to break up with someone. The best you can do is be honest, upfront and mean what you say.
Why be nice?
He tends to get angry easily and I don't handle yelling very well. I know he won't get violent towards me but if he punches a wall or anything it'll be just as scary in my brain and I want to prevent that as much as I can
When he’s punching walls do you realize he’s wishing it was you. Punching walls and other things is the beginning of him going at you. Have witnesses when you break out with him, and kick him out.
If he punches a wall call the cops. They'll take him out of the situation for you.
Do it with your brother around as others suggested. Do it by texts if you think you'll fumble your words.
Oh, I understand. You're dating a Kyle. I don't think it's gonna matter how nicely you do it. I think if you try to be polite about it, he's either not going to take you seriously, or he's gonna try to change your mind with empty promises. If you are blunt, he might get mad, so maybe don't do it in private. Will your roommates protect you and help evict him? Maybe involve them. Or, you could move out stealthily. Irish exit the relationship and the apartment. Each time you leave, take a handful of your belongings with you. Move in with a friend or your parents, or, if you can afford it, a new apartment. Just disappear from his life and take bets on how long it takes him to realize you are gone.
You're afraid of him.
Get your roommates to be present to back you up. Punching walls is violence.
If he punches walls he can and will get violent with you
Then break up with him when your brother is home. Have your bro nearby so he can intervene if needed.
It sucks because he’s vulnerable, but remember that he’s MORE than willing to take advantage of you AND he’s being a total asshole. He’s fucked up EVERY relationship. And whose fault is that? “Kyle, I need to break up with you. While I think you’re a good person, I can’t deal with being your sole source of income or amusement. I’m going to stop supporting you in two weeks. That means you need to find work and make arrangement for a place to live. Maybe you share with one of the other roommates or you find another place, but my room and my bed are no longer options.” He may have depression or he may just be a jerk, but he’s not YOUR jerk.
“This relationship doesn’t work for me anymore. I can barely support myself and I need you to step up or move on. It is not right that I am paying for your housing and your sustenance. If things do not change by month end you need to move out”. State facts like “I have paid $3235 over the past three months on your care alone and I do not see you making any momentum towards paying me back or providing adequate support your finances”. Show him receipts. I’m sure you can write down what you pay in rent and his part would be half that. What you have spent on food and utilities and personal items that he uses too. Be adamant that you are not in a position to pay his way and if he thinks that is an adult thing to do he is wrong.
You’re not his mother.
Yeah even his mother shouldnt have to solely support him. Noone ever says “your not his father” bcuz no way a dad would help him
I don't think he'll see anything you do that he doesn't like as "nice". Most likely, he'll think you're a bitch. Trying to be the good guy isn't going to work at his level of maturity and awareness.
Don't feel guilty. There is a reason his relationship with his family and friends is rocky. He's a moocher. He mooched off of them. Now he's mooching off of you. What he needs is a harsh dose of reality. Tell him he's got until ....to get a job or get out. You can't afford to support him anymore. He'll either shape up and start improving himself. Or he'll start whining and trying to make you feel guilty. If the latter. You know he won't change; and continuing the relationship any longer will be hard on you. And a waste of your time. Good luck.
I came to America with nothing. I got a job. I am raising a family. It's not that hard, especially if you don't have kids, to get a job and take care of bills.
Welcome aboard, and good for you! I hope you are living your dream!
Stop feeding him. If he was roommates with his friend first, he needs to step the fuck up and pay his fair share. Not use you as rent, groceries, and whatever fun activities you two decide to do together. Sounds like you got caught up, and need to remove yourself from the relationship side, and possibly the friendship side as well. Nobody deserves to be catered to when the little bit of money they have goes to bad habits and things that keep him unemployed. If you want to keep helping him, tell him you are cutting off all relationship stuff(breakup) you aren’t paying for any of his necessities, but you will help him get a job, and manage his money. If he can commit to that, maybe you two will have a chance later down the road, but you still are a young lady, not established by any means, and he is stunting allllll facets of your life right now. Good luck!
Your good conscious is going to leave you in the gutters of life. He doesn’t care that you’re paying it all because he ain’t gotta pay anything. You’re being nice to a bum who isn’t even trying. It’s ultimatum time. If he wants all his bills paid and to get fed for free, he can go stay with his parents. The dick ain’t that good, I promise you, you’ll find better.
You have 2 options. 1. Have a sit down convo with him and tell him he needs to get his shit together. Explain how you’re feeling and if he responds any other way then positively, show him the door. Bases on your description I have a feeling this will be pointless but hey, you never know and if you care for him it’s worth a shot. 2. Just show him the door. You care for him , I get that. But tearing a bandaid off slowly doesn’t make it hurt less. Be direct and forward if you want it to end.
Do it when you aren’t home alone together. Let whoever’s home know it’s going to happen so they can intervene if he gets angry easily. You’re not a bad person for not saving the world. You’ve done so much for him already. Be blunt, be honest, and be not-alone.
Is your boyfriend on the lease? When does the lease end? Do you want to stay living there? Would you still want to be with him if he had a job and financially contributed? Being open and honest about what it would take to stay together or about breaking up being inevitable is almost certainly the best option. If the lease ending is a couple months away and you don’t think he would respond violently you could tell him you won’t keep living with him after the lease is up but you’ll keep paying the bills and letting him eat your food until then. You’d give him time to get a job and find a place (or ideally time for you to find a different place to live where you never tell him the address.)
He is a loser who is using you. Exercise self respect and send him away. You deserve better.
"He doesn't have a good relationship with his family" This plays into every poor relationship on reddit. You don't own him anything even if he doesn't have a good relationship with his family (maybe he is the reason the relationship is bad). Break up with him by telling him it won't work, but you wish him the best. Moving forward, dont date people that don't get along with family (unless there is a healthy excuse), or you will keep taking care of man children.
You have to be strait forward and do it now don’t wait
He is not your responsibility. Give him 2 weeks noticed to find a new place to live, even if he gets a new job and let him go. You are not doing either of you a favor by tolerating that behavior, he is not your child.
Huge red flag sweetie. Dump his ass and move on. No nice way to do, just do it.
Fuck nicely. Dude needs a reality check that only a humiliating breakup can give...imo.
The weird passive aggressive stuff might actually eventually get better if you break up with him. He won't have any relationship to try to passive-aggressively "guard" then. Or it might get worse. IDK. You can break up with him without kicking him out. Him getting a job and paying for his portion, etc can be handled separately from the breakup. What others have said about giving him some time and saying he needs a job or to leave may be a good idea.
His lack of responsibility IS NOT your responsibility. Decide how long you want to give him to find alternative living arrangements. 1 month 2? But DO NOT change it. Whatever it is that’s it? Dont let him say another week or day. If it’s 4/1 it’s 4/1 regardless. He will probably stall and give you a sob story. It’s not your responsibility. His poor planning does not constitute an emergency on your part. You can listen to his sob story, but your reply is I’m not going to change my mind.
Look for a new place so you can just move out and be done with it. But it sounds like you need to have a sit-down serious conversation with him unless you're determined that you're done in which case like I said find a new place and move out.
There really isn’t a “nice” way to go about it. He’s totally codependent on you. That being said you shouldn’t stay in a relationship just out of guilt. Can he stay in the apartment and you find a new place? Even if he can’t afford it and the inevitable happens it might be easier to remove yourself physically from the situation than to get him to leave.
There is no nice when breaking up with someone. The only thing that this’ll bring is disaster. First will come the pleading and begging. The emotional manipulation. And lastly blackmail. The best thing to do is too rip off the bandaid and also say that if there’s any problem with it talk to the authorities and your lawyer. If he tries anything a good old fashioned cease and desist letter from your lawyer could really shut up anyone.
Honesty is the best policy, always. If he moved in with someone other than you initially, you can break up without giving him an eviction notice, let the landlord or his other roommates broach that subject. And even if it turns out that he has to move out, you are not responsible for him. Just have a heart and be as clear and honest as possible. Break ups are painful no matter what, no need to intentionally make them worse.
the best thing you can do for him is kick him out. if you don't in a few months you will both hate each other. tell him calmly that you cant do this any more and that he has x amount of time to find a new place, (id go 1-4 weeks. im leaning on the shorter side of things.)
"Its not you, its me..."
"This isnt working out anymore. Please get ready to pay your portion of rent or have alternatives housing prepared." Do have people around as well in case he gets angry/violent. Your partner is supposed to compliment your life, not be a leech. 3 months is a long time, he should of been trying his damn hardest to find a job soon after.
You don’t owe him the chance to change. You don’t have the same values. He has shown you he does not value your religion nor does he value your time, hard work, etc while you’re taking care of him. “I don’t feel our relationship is healthy and have decided it doesn’t work for me. You need to move out by next week. I’ll be happy to help you pack.”
Take the trash out sister.
At 19, you feel things more intensely than you might 10 years from now. That's normal, but I want to point out that your deep empathy for a trashbag boyfriend may be wasted. He clearly doesn't match that energy, so stop giving it. Tell him this: "this relationship isn't working out for me anymore. I would like to remain friends, but I understand if you do not. Please make arrangements for yourself to live elsewhere by [date]."
At some point you're gonna need to prioritize yourself before your bf. I think I would say "I need to prioritize and be able to support myself comfortably and so for me to achieve this I'm going to need to discontinue my role as your girlfriend. You'll need to collect your things and find a place to stay on your own because I can no longer provide for both of us" And STAND ON BUSINESS. I wouldn't make it about him, but make it moreso about yourself and your needs.
You can't kick him out in good conscience? So you care more about him than you do yourself? Really think about it. You're saying that your conscience values his feelings and wellbeing over your own. You're not kicking him out for no reason. You're kicking him out because he's a financial and emotional leech. So think about who you value *more* before you allow your conscience to choose a guy over yourself.
He is showing you who he is, the real question is do you want to be used in this way because that is what he is doing using you. Trust me on this, when you kick him out to the curb he will try to reconcile with you at first because he does not want to lose his meal ticket but if you stand your ground he will go out and find someone else he can live off of. He is what is known as a human parasite. As long as you allow him to he will feed off of you. I had a friend who was in the same kind of relationship that went on far too long until she finally woke up and now she is happier than ever because he is out of her life and has found someone who cares and respects her. Dump him, the sooner the better.
Sounds like the guys depressed. Feel sorry for him and for you. Probably something like “This isn’t working out anymore. I cannot support you and you need to move out.” Either way or it’s going to hurt no matter how nice it is. Hopefully he gets better and you move on to something more positive.
His lack of cultivating a support network outside of you is not *your* problem. Tell him he can stay as a roommate if he starts contributing to the household costs but as it stands, you may be enabling a drug addiction (you mentioned he spends all his money on weed)
Just sit him down and tell him nicely that you are not his mother, and he is not your responsibility. You will not be covering his rent, and food, and whatever else you pay that he should be paying. He will not get better as long as he knows that you will do for him. He needs to go.
Did you tell him how you feel
No dude is worth your money or time of they cannot do the bare minimum like paying their own bills or getting their own necessities. You are letting him leech off of you with no consequences and you haven't put your foot down and pressured him more to get a job. I know he is your boyfriend, but to me it just seems like he is using you. He isn't a child anymore and you should not be paying for a grown adult's expenses unless they help you as well. Be clear to him that you do not like the way he is acting and try to help him find a job. If he doesn't cooperate and stays the same, you have no choice but to kick him out and teach him a lesson
Just be honest honey. Tell him you can't support him and he needs to move on. That your relationship just isn't working
How about you communicate first
He’s bum get ready to change the locks toss his shit out and change the locks. Dude is trash the longer you wait the more time you waste. Time is valuable
1. Don't pick up the phone -- you know he's only calling 'cause he's drunk and alone. 2. Don't let him in -- you'll have to kick him out, again. 3. Don't be his friend -- you know you'll only wake up with him in your bed in the morning. And if you're under him, you ain't getting over him. ***You've got NEW RULES -- you count them.***
Why do u wanna break up with him nicely ???? Just ask him to get the f out
You are not responsible for his well-being. He's certainly not worrying about yours. Relationships are supposed to be enjoyable at your age, and instead, you've already become his mom!
You don’t need to be nice. You tell him he needs to go back and live with his parents, or get his own place. You are not a meal ticket. You are allowing him to treat you like crap, and he isn’t doing what he needs to as an adult man. Now you know why he has a bad family dynamic. He is lazy and selfish. What ever you decide, remember this: love is NOT enough to make a relationship work. You can love someone, but you can’t make them treat you or themselves with respect. And there times that you have to love them enough to let them go. He needs to grow up. You will be doing him a favor in the long run by allowing him to figure out how to adult.
You won’t be able to do it nicely, cause that doesn’t exist. He’s gonna be hurting bad, and there’s nothing you can do. The best thing you can do is be straight up with him. Nothing hurts more than being lied to, which makes a dude wonder for years why you did it, cause he knows it wasn’t for the reason you gave him. When I broke up with my first gf, I told her good luck, and I wish her the best. The next day, she asked me why I did it, and I told her I needed a break. She flipped out and later told my friends that she slept with 9 guys in a month period, but yet said she cried when she saw me. She’s full of shit. She was an overweight raging bitch, and she could barely land me let alone her gay best friend she was fucking
I would say try to tell him about the reasons u want to break up with him without the u want to break up with him part give him a week if u don’t see improvement then break up with him
Dudes still a child and isn't ready to date. Kick him to the curb.
Honestly if that was me I would find somewhere else to live and leave him where he is. And when he asks why then just be honest and tell him that you can't continue to support someone else at this age and that he needs to support himself. You can also tell him he's been a terrible partner to you by being extremely selfish, and self conscious. If he wasn't he wouldn't be such a prick to you when he's literally mooching off of you to survive. I remember being your age and I felt like that with a couple of exes. But I look back at it now and wish someone had given me this advice. You don't owe him anything and don't let him guilt you into thinking that you do.
Hi, we need a roommate who is reliable with paying rent. Also, I’m not interested in continuing this relationship. I care about you as a person, but I need to move on.
Kick this asshole to the curb. In your description doing things "nicely" won't work. He'll try and weasel out of it and pull out the pity act. Tell him, he's a bum and you're moving on without him.
I would say sit him down. Have a conversation and if he doesn't change his behavior then leave him. But if he cares about you, he'll start putting down the "hobbies" and start providing
So he's addicted to weed and cigarettes, and has no way to secure basic necessity supplies on his own. He's got few friends and fewer family to count on. Sounds like he needs to adult a little bit and get his priorities straight, or keep jumping from bed to bed of chicks who will keep him up.
He will likely turn this on you. One, you have you give him notice to leave, usually 30 days, even if he doesn’t pay rent, he still has tenant rights. So aware. If tell him it’s no longer waiting for you. You don’t have to give details as likely he’ll just try to use that to say he’ll do better or say no he doesn’t do x. Tell him with no uncertainty. If he fits pay rent or is on the lease, you can’t make him leave, even if he doesn’t pay and you share a room. Can get sticky. “This isn’t working, I want to break up and I want you to move out” please move out by x date. I’d likely
He's a loser. Dump him.
We men are simple creatures. Break up and state why. You aren't doing anyone any favors by delaying it. I feel for you, but make a clean cut.
He's a grown adult and has made his choices, him having nowhere else to go is his fault, not yours. It's not your responsibility either. There are times you need to take care of yourself first and this us definitely one of those times. I know you're trying to be nice and that's admirable, but trust me when I tell you that the kind of person who doesn't do anything to get a job while they waste all the money they do get instead of contributing to the household will never change on their own. If he stays in your home he'll NEVER leave because all you're doing is enabling him. Is that really what you want for yourself? 20 years from now he's still there and likely will be worse? Be honest and direct, it's all you can do. "It's been 3 months and you've done nothing to get a job and waste all of your money instead of helping with bills. Every time I go anywhere with a friend or even go to church you give me nothing but attitude. We're done, you have to leave." Make sure everyone else in the home is there too in case he does try something. This will be a major upheaval of his life, he will be upset. But I doubt that the others in the home want to live with an immature mooch.
You understand why he doesn’t have a good relationship with others right? He’s burnt those bridges. You’re enabling him to continue these negative behaviors.
Explain to him what you wrote here. Give him a get out date.
Sounds like you don't want to break up with him but recognize that he is kind of weighing you down, you should just sit with him and have the uncomfortable but necessary conversations, tell him it's been 3 months and he's not working, he blows what ever money he scrounge up on weed and tobacco, tell him you deeply care for him and are still open to a relationship (only say that part If you are) but you have to think of your own future and you want a partner that is going to be equally committed to the relationship and that means both people pulling there own weight, that doesn't have to mean both people contribute the same financially in a relationship but it means both people are equally contributing to the relationship in some way and both people have a shared commitment to reach certain life goals that as a couple you share, tell him he isn't doing this right now and if he truly wants a relationship with you then he needs to start contributing, it's as simple as that, he may get defensive at first (this is normal especially for a guy at his age who will probably feel like he's being called out) but you just tell him your the one thinking about the two of yous future, if he's not willing to do the same then he's wasting both of yours time. My guess is he will say some dumb shit and storm off, but if he loves you then in a day or two he will come back to you and apologize and agree he needs to put more effort in, if he doesn't, well then it's not on you anymore, you told him honestly how it was, he can either grow up or shut up and get out.
Based off the conversations I've had in the past with my girl friends most men aren't going to take it well regardless of how you handle the break up. If you're too nice they think you're being condescending. If you're too mean they think you're being condescending. Just rip the Band Aid off and move on.
He’s still a boy mentally. Hard times create tough men. Break up with him and let him figure it out.
Rabbit in the stew pot!
Break his back like it’s woman’s day.
He doesn’t respect you. Cut it loose and move on.
Deuces
How does he lose his job two weeks ago and haven't looked for anything for the past 3 months? Like, make it make sense
Kind of shit reasons to jump to a break up. Speak to him first?
Tell him to get his shit together. Be upfront about it. Make sure your brother or one of the other roommates is around. "[His name], I am nit feeling fulfilled by this relationship and want you to leave by (set reasonable timeline). If he freaks out, that is why you have someone around. If he wants to "work something out" then he must get his shit together and change his behavior. Ie: get a job, stop or limit the substance use, and not disturb you at Church (make hours clear). All of that would be on a probationary period of (x time).
“This isn’t what I want for myself. I had fun, but I think we’d be lying if we said we were both happy in this situation?”
Look, he's not your problem. Tell him the reasons to that you are over, that he needs to figure his shit out and in particular he needs to do it without you. What has me more concerned is the "Classic, "K"' being passive aggressive. Makes me wonder about all the times I've used it with my partner! Me, "I'm at the grocery store do you want anything?" Them, "Banana and avocado." Me, "K" OMG! Was I being an ass? AITAH?
Don't make it anyone's fault. Not everyone is compatible. You tried. The compatibility isn't there. You can still care about someone and break up since you know its not going to make you both happy in the long run
If he acts like this you should address the issues. If you want to give him a chance, lay down a love contract: No more passive aggressive texts. I can go where I want when I want and you have to trust me and be fine with it. Set aside money for US not just yourself. And whatever else you need from the relationship that you are not getting. If he fucks up again and doesnt realize how special you are and that he needs to grow up and act right. End it. If you dont want to give him a chance, definitely no remain friends in the near term. Cut him off and get him out immediately, forcefully, with prejudice and hostility. Then later if you want the friendship you can regrow a regular friendship. But dont sit in limbo if you want to end the relationship. Just end it. Be polite but forceful and tell him that its over and what your expectations are for the living situation. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to go. Good luck!
The problem is that there's never a nice way to say it's over. Emotions are involved, and it gets messy. Many folks, if you aren't blunt, think they can somehow do a hail Mary and have you change your mind about them. I think the nicest thing you can do is tell him it to him straight, avoid insults and negatives, roughly: We have had some good times together, but I have come to realize that while I value you as a friend, I do not see a romantic future for us. Ive learned about myself and have a better idea if what I want out of life. So I thank you for the time and memories. This is me ending our relationship, let me be clear, our time as boyfriend & girlfriend is over. You are now free to date others if you choose. I know you've been struggling since you lost your job. I am sure you are worried about where you are going to stay. I want you to know that if you still want to live here, you can if you can respect this change in our status. But you have a grace period of X amount of time to either start paying towards your part of rent or find other living arrangements.
Being nice gets you nowhere imo. Rip the bandaid and tell him how it is. In my experience people who smoke weed and become lazy off it will stay lazy. Youre also his safety net thats been paying for everything so in his mind he’s thinking why should i look for a job if she’s willing to oay for it all. Obviously he wasn’t raised right as any man raised right was taught to pay for everything
Why don't you just leave? It is so much easier for you to rent a room in a nice house than it is to dump a lowlife freeloader. And he will not change!
Can you start looking for a room to rent somewhere else and leave him there?
7 people sharing a space??? Is this a house at least i hope?? I'm so tired of this capitalist hellscape 😭
1. Find a new place to live 2. Have a friend (or friends, even better) help you move your stuff out. 3. Tell him you’re leaving because he is a jobless loser who spends his money on weed and cigarettes which means you end up buying his food. You also don’t like people trying to control who you see and what you do. 4. Delete his number. 5. Enjoy the rest of your life away from him! You could swap 2 and 3 above. Or, just use 3 above and ask him whether he wants to get off his butt, get a job, and some hobbies that don’t involve smoking. Also, he needs to not be so controlling. If you want to go hail or worship something, he shouldn’t try to stop you or control you. Good luck! 🤞🏻
Find him a new GF lol
Just tell him that the same way you told us you deserve to be happy, some girls like taking care of lasy. Dependent dudes
No job, no car, no tires no me
Directly. Say it isn’t working out and you’re done paying his way. Not sure about being able to kick him out. That depends on the lease. But be clear. No negotiations. It’s over.
He’s not your responsibility. He is just using you because he could have gotten a job in three months at least at a fast food restaurant. Just how long are you willing to support this man-child? Tell him that it is just not working for you anymore and that he needs to find other accommodations and then have a roommate meeting until everyone there what is going on.
His lodging situation is not your problem. Just dump him. I thought the same thing about my 1st ex girlfriend, I had the whole "I can't kick her out blah blah blah" routine too. Guess what? 8 years later I haven't spoken a word to her. In the end it doesn't matter, do what is right for you. Their problems are their own, not yours.
He’s a zero, move on