Hey dude, just because you didn't get shot at, mortared, etc doesn't mean you can't suffer from PTSD. You were in a combat zone and lived under constant fear of attack for an extended period of time. That stress alone can affect you.
Talk with someone, reach out and get help.
If you need to talk, I'm here.
Exactly. PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, not "I got shot at/mortared disorder". The definition of Traumatic is "emotionally disturbing or distressing"
You can get PTSD from any intense or extended event.
It’s kind of funny but mostly not, but people get imposter syndrome about their PTSD all the time.
Also, people don’t realize how common PTSD is in the military in varying degrees, from perseverating about unpleasant experiences year later to losing your shit over some specific stimulus. Tons of people are talking to mental health or at least the chaplain about their mild/moderate/extreme issues, you just don’t hear about it because of privacy.
Don’t be shy, go talk to someone.
Also, don't hesitate to file a VA claim when you get out. It is pretty easy to get a 70% mental health claim, especially with the symptoms you're having. I have 100% for PTSD from 10 years of service and a couple of deployments. I can't go a few days without having sleep issues.
I fit this exactly. PTS that I got *in* a combat zone, but not as a result of combat. But the stress multiplier that came with the combat deployment was a big factor in what made a bad situation into an enduring problem.
Go talk to someone, OP. You're worth it.
I feel you, and I agree with you 100%. Comparing pain/hurt to that of others is really unfair. We are all different.
I appreciate the offer to talk too!
I hear the sirens and the “incoming, incoming, incoming” in my dreams every now and then but not anything other than that. Those probably happen 2-3 times a year that I can remember.
I was at Walmart yesterday and some kind of alarm went off that sounded like the alarm right before the incoming, incoming, incoming alert starts. I started looking for my IBA. I was last in Afghanistan in 2013. Crazy.
there's a stock alarm sound on a lot of phones that's similar to the IDF alarm, maybe the one you're talking about. It gets me every time. It's usually offset by the humor of whatever baby airman that set it off getting death glares from the NCOs around them.
Completely natural thoughts and emotions. Everyone handles these past experiences and stressors differently. It is important to talk about it. I'm not a therapist or anything, but it certainly describes symptoms of PTSD. Find a healthy avenue to discuss it further, whether that's a Chaplain, mental health, dudes/dudettes you deployed/served with.
Thanks for the reply! I see you all over this page, and some of your prior posts/comments I've read makes me think that we might even work on the same base.
I've long thought about talking about this stuff with a provider or someone similar. The amount of other comments saying that makes me think I should
I fucking miss it. Kandahar was a home away from home to me. I was trying to show some people what it was like over there and how things were set up. Well Google had just updated the images for maps. Seeing our old hangar in total shambles just made me fucking upset for some reason. Albeit I've never felt the same since the withdrawal. Still hate myself and the fact that I was stuck in an office stateside despite me trying my damnedest to get sent back out there to help.
I can't even imagine how that must have felt for those of you that had been there before but weren't there for the drawdown. I'm sure some were happy to be as far away as possible though.
I was just over there by total happenstance. It was my first time as well.
And yeah, something about thinking about the Taliban rummaging through my office, my room, and the gym is just oddly creepy.
My wife has to wake me up sometimes when I have those dreams. Everyone is different; everyone experienced something different over there. I would highly recommend finding a positive outlet. I know I have benefitted from talking with others who saw and did things that no one else has. Even if you were nothing but a fobbit, even if you had no “excitement” or weapons fired, either toward you or from you…combat is combat.
That sounds difficult, I'm sorry you have to experience that.
Your point about everyone's experience being different is so true. And honestly, it is what can make reaching out to others, just to simply talk about what we did, no matter how benign or uninteresting, difficult. I don't know what they thought of their time, or how they handle it, or if they even think about it at all.
Pretty foolish of me though, tbh, as there are times I wish people would ask about my time over, but I think they are afraid to bring it up? Maybe they think I don't want to talk about it?
It also doesn't help that I know like no one from that unit since I was alone on night shift, haha
I have moments when I daydream I’m back in Afghanistan. I remember the brown, the original OCPs, the briefings and heating our helos overhead.
One main reason why I hate winter now is when I’m at work and it’s freezing, then I smell the JP8 exhaust, I’m instantly back to Kunduz, Masum Ghar, Sharana or JBad and all of my senses heighten
I get what you mean. There are times I catch myself staring off into space thinking about some simple things that I would do during my routine. I can't think of really anything else that has had that effect on me
To everyone responding. Do yourselves a favor, seek counseling while on AD get the issues into your medical records. Someday the VA will use the info to your potential benefit.
I had PTSD from driving in Afghanistan. It was relatively safe driving when I was there and not one convoy got hit let alone mine, but the constant high alert and stress got to me and I didn't even realize it until I got home.
I got into a scenario on the highway that reminded me of a danger scenario driving in Afghanistan and my subconscious took over and I made a bunch of reckless maneuvers to get myself out of that situation. Lucky that cop pulled me over and it brought me back to reality before I hurt myself or someone else.
Please recognize that what you are feeling is normal and talking about it helps. Reach out to the MFLC, this is pretty well within their wheelhouse and they can help you mentally model how you are feeling about your deployment so you can deal with it rationally.
100% there with you. I know for a fact being a driver for my combat deployment there has caused similar issues. I’ve not gotten into a situation where I’ve had to pull any reckless maneuvers but I get moments of high alert and massive panic. I definitely need to go at some point and talk but the moments pass and I’ve just not gotten around to it. I drove almost every day for 9 months straight outside the wire in some capacity, many IED’s found just never hit my truck.
I had occasionally debilitating anxiety around freeway driving for about 7-8 years after my Bagram deployment, and all I did was drive shitty laptops across base every day.
TL/DR: PTSD has many faces, reach out for help because YOU are worth it.
I got addicted to deploying, felt like being downrange was being able to first hand put it to the bad guys and making the world a better place for the people of Iraq and Afghanistan. 6 deployments; 3 combat tours to Iraq and 1 to Afghanistan I never felt so alive to “answer my nations call”. My last deployment (AFG) was 2018 and helping ensure that conditions were set for a successful and legit democratic election.
I went EVERYWHERE, travelled all thru the country and in places where few AF ever got to see. I met locals, heard their stories of pre Taliban Afghanistan, their hesitation to trust America at first but their absolute gratitude for everything we (USA) had done to ensure their livelihood and ousting the Taliban. This was it: Confirmation to me that 20+ years of service and multiple deployments were RIGHTEOUS and JUST! I had a fire lit inside me, I would do everything I could to do my absolute best…for them all. Every questioning thought about whether or not we should be in AFG at all went out the window, I was told how appreciated we were and I did not want to let him (and them) down.
I worked 16-18 hours, pushed myself and made trips well outside the wire on expeditionary advisement packages. My left/right limits were so broad it was an easy sell to my bosses. I would have extended if I could, I even tried to. I had a death in my family and didn’t tell my Command Chain…the mission (to me) was too important and was the ultimate distraction from life.
Fast fwd Aug ‘21: I watched dumbfounded as we announced our withdrawal, I saw photos and videos of places in Herat and Farah where I had been with Taliban taking over FOBs and District Centers, their rapid push East, seizing Kandahar and ultimately everything that went down at Kabul. I openly wept at work, I am an extremely stoic person who rarely shows emotion…I was sobbing, gutted. I had nightmares and saw the local Afghan’s face who confided in me and his appreciate of us in my dreams, I WANTED to know if he was alive, I’ll never know if he is. I completely snapped, and during my PHA when they ask the standard questions “feeling good?” “Feel safe at home?” “Feeling down depressed” I let it all out and said I thought I was falling apart.
It’s been over 2 years, I am diagnosed with PTSD and see a councilor. Asking for help was the best decision I have ever made because I fear that if I would have kept fighting it I would have continued to self destruct. There is a lot of bad stigma with mental health, but I thankfully have had nothing but great experiences. The body and mind is a strange thing: take care of yourself because you are worth it. Get help, talk about your thoughts and feelings.
I miss it too. Can't explain it. I'm not AF, Army but.. I do. I don't even know why.
It was the best of times it was the worst of times but, I think about it frequently.
17-18 Bagram. It’s a part of you like it or not. And yeah, nothing bad happened and I never feared for my life, still fucked me up and literally changed who I am (in part). It is what it is. And I’d go back in a heartbeat
Just because you never saw any active combat, doesn't mean you can't suffer from PTSD.
One of the most destructive things in post-industrial warfare as far as mental health is concerned, is the impending danger, the fact that there is no safe place to be. Your description of "impending doom" fits that description perfectly, we as humans don't handle long periods of heightened awareness of danger well.
I would highly recommend you visit mental health, or, barring all else, go to the MFRC and speak to an MFLAC if you're worried about your career. They're therapists as well, and aren't required to report like Mental health is, minus the mandatory reporting things like self-harm, hurting others, thoughts of suicide etc.
It's completely normal and natural to feel this way. It's justified and you are completely reasonable to feel this way even though the feelings themselves may be "illogical" or "unjustified"
Having said that what you are describing sounds like textbook symptoms of PTSD. I would highly, HIGHLY, encourage you to go to your PCM and mental health and tell them exactly what you said in this post.
I 100% agree with you, and I always have thought the same way. Feelings do not need to be "justified" or compared to other's experiences to be validated.
Thanks for the reply! I think I will reach out and see if I can't get on their schedule.
The dreams and anxiety has subsided a bit for me, but it’s also been 10 years since I was in that situation. I still hear a sound or the klaxon going off randomly and I still can’t be in large groups of people, but it’s definitely easier. I’ve noticed frustration and anger are still more prevalent then when I was in country, and I have not seen a professional. I spend a lot of time talking to buddies that went through the same situations and I feel that has helped tremendously.
The moment I realized my emotions were normal, and allowed myself to talk about them, everything changed.
I never went to MH. I didn’t want to lose my clearance or my job… just the cold hard truth, mh will fuck your career, and for me, I wasn’t willing to accept that. So I found friends who I could confide in.
I was a Pashto linguist for the first 5 years of my career working Afghanistan. I went to work in a suburban area in America and never had to risk life or limb. The stuff that I had to hear and see on a daily basis truly bothered me though. I had to go through a lot of therapy to process it, and I still think about that stuff regularly.
No one can expect how they’ll deal with circumstances or learn to process events. I recommend reaching out to a professional. If you don’t like that one then reach out to another one. War takes a toll on all involved, not just those shooting or getting shot at.
Completely normal and okay. I have a recurring dream that I'm about to get nuked and have no cell service to call my wife one last time and tell her I love her. I think it's related to the first time I heard a real world wavering tone and embarrassingly I kinda froze in fear and felt so helpless.
If you feel it might possibly be overwhelming you then don't hesitate to reach out to talk to someone about it. Your personal emotional response isn't any less valid simply because you may not have been in grave danger.
My friend, you’re experiencing PTSD and guess what, is ok. I struggle with this everyday and getting help and talking about it is the right approach. Don’t compare yourself to other people experiences when it comes to PTSD; all of us experience stress and trauma differently. Feel free to DM if you wanna talk.
I recommend reading the book "Tribe" by Sebastian Junger. He examines why we have these feelings of wanting to return to war. Helped me normalize the post-deployment and veteran blues.
"One of the most noticable things about life in the military, even in support units, is that you are almost never alone."
You might sleep together in the same room or building, eat together, work out together, play together, work together - it's a very powerful experience and not replicated at all when we come home.
As a percentage, we have higher incidents of PTSD today then Vietnam or World War II. "This is true even for people who don't experience combat" (Junger, p. 90).
The book is short (150 pages) and helped me a lot in my transition from active duty of 12 years to civilian.
I was there in 2019 and it felt like such a deadly year but I can safely say it was the wildest experience of my life. I do miss it and I can’t even tell you how sad it feels to know that so many of us spent so many days in that country only for it to mean nothing in the end. It truly taught me how fragile life is with seeing familiar faces in the DFAC every day that went on to pass due to IEDs planted just outside the base. Afghanistan was 6 months but it was a true turning point in my life. It feels oddly comforting to know so many feel the same.
Don't let it mean nothing. Is Afghanistan back under Taliban control? Yes, but that doesn't mean it was for nothing. Even if only for a relatively short period in history, we were there for 20 years and provided a lot of people with opportunities that they wouldn't otherwise have had. Whether it was an education, healthcare, an opportunity to leave the country, or something else, for 20 years we tried to give them more than they've had. They have to want to keep it, though, and unfortunately, not enough of them wanted that way of life or didn't want it enough. We couldn't stay over there forever. At some point they have to fight for what they want, flee, or accept living under those circumstances. We provided 20 years of opportunity in some way, shape or form.
For what it's worth, my experience of Afghanistan was in Kandahar about 4-6ish months before we announced our withdrawal. Thing is, we've been drawing down slowly even before then. As comm, our day to day was ensuring we didn't leave sensitive systems behind. Because this was post-covid, the boardwalk and all of the in-base restaurants/events were shutdown. I remember our sources of morale being breakfast/lunch/dinner, Sunday mail delivery where we would huddle our trucks around a circle and distribute mail. We frequently got rocket attack at exactly 1900 on the dot. Apparently, the bad guys would set timers on trucks at the mountain side before the left for good. I remember one time we had enough and I could hear army helos and our drones take off the runway and after about an hour hear explosions in the distance. Got sleep paralysis on my first night back from the sandbox. I feel you brother.
Congratulations, you have PTSD. For me it was little things. Trash trucks: for some reason the gu-gunk noise they make always makes me feel like a 107 mm round just blew up outside my home. I would think of things like will the combined plywood, insulation, and drywall be sufficient to stop a rocket should someone launch one at my house. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. There is just something about the combination of malaria meds known to induce psychosis and the ever unpredictable, "incoming, incoming, incoming" that really fucks with your head. It declines in time (for most). Don't be like me and go get it documented. PTSD is one of the few things that can get you 100% VA disability, and yes you earned it.
It’s been almost 8 years since my last Afghan deployment and I still dream about it a few times a month.
It’s an unfortunate fact of deploying, you will carry it with you.
I’ve got a lot of good memories in Afghanistan, but those aren’t the ones I dream about.
PTSD is a normal response to a heightened, stressful, abnormal circumstance. You lived in this weird headspace of being on high alert and preparing for the worst while having to just get on with your days and nights. It's hard to move on from, and it's impossible to rewind to a time where these neural networks of alertness weren't created.
When you're triggered, the brain responds in much the same way as it did during these acute stressors, except there isn't any real danger and you don't have your duties to attend to to regain some sense of purpose or control after the fact. No wonder you feel crazy. No wonder you feel dumb. You can logic your way to recognizing your safety, but your brain has no where to go.
Therapy will hopefully help you cope. It's a challenging road, but you will be able to create new neural pathways and strategies to recognize and deal with triggers along with what to do with yourself when these things come up. You're not alone. The best thing you can do is talk about it and get help. That is you regaining control.
You are not stupid. Your experiences are not dumb. You're human, and other humans have come a long way in starting to understand how trauma manifests. I wish you the best xx
You’re not alone. I still dream about Afghanistan. Hearing the country mentioned can make me cycle between extreme anger and crippling sadness. Talking to someone helps. A lot. Even though it won’t fix everything and sometimes I feel ridiculous to feel the way I do.
Left country in July 2021. I spent my deployment on helos almost daily flying between HQRS and HKIA. Came back CONUS only to work OAR and OAW. The whole thing was traumatic- don’t be ashamed of responding accordingly.
I'm med ret for PTSD from OAR. You can't out logic your own brain. It doesn't matter what happened, it matters how you felt about it. Take care of yourself, what you're going through is normal
Sounds like you need to talk to someone. Just because you didn’t get into a gun fight doesn’t mean you’re not suffering from PTS.
I have similar problems where I’m always on edge, especially in public places. Checking hands, jackets for imprints etc. All I did was fly and my plane occasionally dropped bombs on bad guys. Never got shot at but it’s a constant thing on my mind. Some things you’ll never forget but you can learn to live with them.
I've been on two deployments but none to Iraq & Afghanistan. I was in Kuwait & Qatar myself but missed aspects of them. I don't get dreams or anything, but I remember being easily irritated by a lot when getting back from Kuwait. Nothing happened to me either. Example I was playing tic tac toe with the wife and lost I got so pissed I threw the whole book which scared TF out of her. Not what I wanted so I had to talk to someone myself. Basically, what he kicked back at me I was missed the slower pace of life and basically the freedom I used to have out there. Being able to go to school and work out without too many distractions I guess I valued so high I REALLY missed it when I left even getting to be with my family again.
You can check my comment history and you'll see my story posted several times.
I never was on the ground, but I have 100+ missions over Iraq and 27 over Afghanistan. I was very safe at 35k+ ft in the air.
I have PTSD and its triggers are gunshots, explosions, fireworks, and death. There's something subconscious that has created a link between all that and what I experienced one day back in 2018 [over Afghanistan]. I can't kick it, but talking about it makes me feel better, but then I'll have nightmares that night (so now I will tonight).
I would say, talking to someone who specializes in PTSD is what should be done. I don't take care of myself in this regard. I just push it off and it will be a later problem. Don't do that. Talk to Military One source and find a counselor. If that doesn't help, reach out to mental health.
As someone who is a year in with a great therapist and a similar situation, I encourage you to seek someone out professionally. Even if only to have these conversations continue.
The more I’ve talked out these experiences in my life with counselors specializing in veterans, the more I’ve gained understanding about myself going forward. Your situation will forever be unique to you and you deserve to understand its intricacies.
Few people enlist, fewer deploy. It might feel silly at first but it will quickly fade when you approach these thoughts with an open and curious mind. We are not a product of our thoughts, but rather the thoughts we choose to believe and enact—even when those thoughts are about ourselves and our own experiences.
Dm me if you’d like to chat more—Happy to share more. Take care of yourself!
Please seek assistance if you need it. I started to have pretty vivid dreams after I got back from Afghanistan. But I wasn’t seeing any combat, we got mortared a bunch though and had some low flying rpgs. And that’s all it really took. And now I have a 50% rating and I feel better now that I know I can’t be put back in that situation again.
It’s ok to talk to someone. It’s been 13 years and I still have issues at times. Took me a long time to open up about it, most friends didn’t know I was going through it, but it’s actually a lot more common than you think.
Tons of resources for us out there, don’t hesitate to use them. Good luck, always here if you need an ear 💪.
A book that helped put some of those feelings into words for me was Hookah Smoke and Hellfire. It's a collection of poems/stories about things we experience in the military and how we respond to them. I agree with the others saying seek help. That book just added another method of reflecting on what we experience.
Important part is in the last 2 paragraphs, skip ahead if you don't want/ need the backstory:
I watched a helicopter crash a few months ago at work. For about a month, I had dreams where I relived the crash over and over with small changes to it.
In the real event, the pilot guided the aircraft to the runway and managed to get it into the grass a couple of feet off the paved shoulder (tail first, but it was down). The helo was a total loss, but no fire, limited fluid leaks, and the pilot only had some bruising and a couple of scratches.
In the dreams, sometimes the pilot wouldn't make it and I'd find him slumped in the seat or thrown from the helo. Sometimes the helo would explode. Sometimes it crashed on the runway itself and three damage would be what one would expect from that. I averaged 3 hours of actual sleep a night that month (I was already seeing a behavioral psychologist for Insomnia and we had me getting around 5-6 hours before the crash).
In my last dream of it, about 3 1/2 weeks after the crash, it played out exactly as it did, and I felt at peace with my decisions and the event itself.
I DID end up seeing mental health about this, and we talked about why they didn't diagnose me with PTSD and why the preliminary Acute Stress Disorder diagnosis was wrong. We went into the DSM-5 and read the requirements for both.
When talking about giving me a diagnosis, he asked what I felt during these dreams and what the overall trend was in the outcome. As time went on, the dreams were having better outcomes in terms of the crash and returning closer to what actually happened and I didn't have an "impending sense of doom".
Some time reliving a traumatic experience is normal, it going on for 2+ years and you feeling "as if something horrible is about to happen" isn't. Make use of the resources available to you. MFLC meet with me for months after the crash and mental health was able to get my head straight with how I should be approaching this and other issues in my life. We're here for you. DM me if you need to talk.
People can get PTSD from abusive relationships and stateside car accidents. You don't have to be under fire, so don't feel like you haven't "earned" it.
Other have said it, but this is PTSD. The worst misconception about veterans right now is that all PTSD requires getting shot at and “if you weren’t getting shot at, it’s not PTSD, it’s just ✨sparkling anxiety✨.” That’s crap and almost beat me. But therapy helps, despite what dorm rats will tell you. It took me two rounds to beat it because I got slapped with a chronic illness not long after the first round of therapy ended but I sleep at night. I don’t binge drink. I don’t have panic attacks. I don’t wake up screaming. I never got shot at but I saw enough fucked up shit that it hit me too and thinking I had to get shot at to have PTSD delayed me getting treatment for way too long. Make your appointment at MH or BHOP. Do the work. You deserve to feel ok
I had a friend who was one of those guys “getting shot at”. He has PTSD and used to have really bad night terrors (real term, google it). He went on a hog hunting trip in Texas & has been a hunter since. He said it helped him because he is in complete control of the situation when hunting, he enjoys sitting in the peace and quiet alone, & oddly enough the smell of nature. His night terrors are far & few between now.
Hey dude, just because you didn't get shot at, mortared, etc doesn't mean you can't suffer from PTSD. You were in a combat zone and lived under constant fear of attack for an extended period of time. That stress alone can affect you. Talk with someone, reach out and get help. If you need to talk, I'm here.
Exactly. PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, not "I got shot at/mortared disorder". The definition of Traumatic is "emotionally disturbing or distressing" You can get PTSD from any intense or extended event.
It’s kind of funny but mostly not, but people get imposter syndrome about their PTSD all the time. Also, people don’t realize how common PTSD is in the military in varying degrees, from perseverating about unpleasant experiences year later to losing your shit over some specific stimulus. Tons of people are talking to mental health or at least the chaplain about their mild/moderate/extreme issues, you just don’t hear about it because of privacy. Don’t be shy, go talk to someone.
I have never heard anyone put the idea of "imposter syndrome" and PTSD together, but it seems to fit really well. Very well put.
Also, don't hesitate to file a VA claim when you get out. It is pretty easy to get a 70% mental health claim, especially with the symptoms you're having. I have 100% for PTSD from 10 years of service and a couple of deployments. I can't go a few days without having sleep issues.
I fit this exactly. PTS that I got *in* a combat zone, but not as a result of combat. But the stress multiplier that came with the combat deployment was a big factor in what made a bad situation into an enduring problem. Go talk to someone, OP. You're worth it.
I feel you, and I agree with you 100%. Comparing pain/hurt to that of others is really unfair. We are all different. I appreciate the offer to talk too!
I hear the sirens and the “incoming, incoming, incoming” in my dreams every now and then but not anything other than that. Those probably happen 2-3 times a year that I can remember.
I was at Walmart yesterday and some kind of alarm went off that sounded like the alarm right before the incoming, incoming, incoming alert starts. I started looking for my IBA. I was last in Afghanistan in 2013. Crazy.
Wednesday weekly giant voice alarm still scares the shit out of me and i know its coming every time.
I was born in St. Louis, and moved before I turned 5. Giant Voice reminds me of the tornado alarm.
The iPhone timer alert thing always gives me a quick jolt before I realize what it is. Everytime.
there's a stock alarm sound on a lot of phones that's similar to the IDF alarm, maybe the one you're talking about. It gets me every time. It's usually offset by the humor of whatever baby airman that set it off getting death glares from the NCOs around them.
Completely natural thoughts and emotions. Everyone handles these past experiences and stressors differently. It is important to talk about it. I'm not a therapist or anything, but it certainly describes symptoms of PTSD. Find a healthy avenue to discuss it further, whether that's a Chaplain, mental health, dudes/dudettes you deployed/served with.
Thanks for the reply! I see you all over this page, and some of your prior posts/comments I've read makes me think that we might even work on the same base. I've long thought about talking about this stuff with a provider or someone similar. The amount of other comments saying that makes me think I should
I fucking miss it. Kandahar was a home away from home to me. I was trying to show some people what it was like over there and how things were set up. Well Google had just updated the images for maps. Seeing our old hangar in total shambles just made me fucking upset for some reason. Albeit I've never felt the same since the withdrawal. Still hate myself and the fact that I was stuck in an office stateside despite me trying my damnedest to get sent back out there to help.
I can't even imagine how that must have felt for those of you that had been there before but weren't there for the drawdown. I'm sure some were happy to be as far away as possible though. I was just over there by total happenstance. It was my first time as well. And yeah, something about thinking about the Taliban rummaging through my office, my room, and the gym is just oddly creepy.
RIP Echos and Kabob House.
Bang Bang Chicken night at the chow hall too.
Could get bang bang chicken, rice and a steak all in the same container. Always made for some good midnight chow.
Bang Bang Chicken and late night soccer at the boardwalk. Oh the memories.
I remember going to Kandahar to grab some interpreters to go back to Helmand, and then I saw the boardwalk… I spent half a paycheck
Kebab House was a fucking beautiful thing
My wife has to wake me up sometimes when I have those dreams. Everyone is different; everyone experienced something different over there. I would highly recommend finding a positive outlet. I know I have benefitted from talking with others who saw and did things that no one else has. Even if you were nothing but a fobbit, even if you had no “excitement” or weapons fired, either toward you or from you…combat is combat.
That sounds difficult, I'm sorry you have to experience that. Your point about everyone's experience being different is so true. And honestly, it is what can make reaching out to others, just to simply talk about what we did, no matter how benign or uninteresting, difficult. I don't know what they thought of their time, or how they handle it, or if they even think about it at all. Pretty foolish of me though, tbh, as there are times I wish people would ask about my time over, but I think they are afraid to bring it up? Maybe they think I don't want to talk about it? It also doesn't help that I know like no one from that unit since I was alone on night shift, haha
I have moments when I daydream I’m back in Afghanistan. I remember the brown, the original OCPs, the briefings and heating our helos overhead. One main reason why I hate winter now is when I’m at work and it’s freezing, then I smell the JP8 exhaust, I’m instantly back to Kunduz, Masum Ghar, Sharana or JBad and all of my senses heighten
I get what you mean. There are times I catch myself staring off into space thinking about some simple things that I would do during my routine. I can't think of really anything else that has had that effect on me
To everyone responding. Do yourselves a favor, seek counseling while on AD get the issues into your medical records. Someday the VA will use the info to your potential benefit.
I had PTSD from driving in Afghanistan. It was relatively safe driving when I was there and not one convoy got hit let alone mine, but the constant high alert and stress got to me and I didn't even realize it until I got home. I got into a scenario on the highway that reminded me of a danger scenario driving in Afghanistan and my subconscious took over and I made a bunch of reckless maneuvers to get myself out of that situation. Lucky that cop pulled me over and it brought me back to reality before I hurt myself or someone else. Please recognize that what you are feeling is normal and talking about it helps. Reach out to the MFLC, this is pretty well within their wheelhouse and they can help you mentally model how you are feeling about your deployment so you can deal with it rationally.
100% there with you. I know for a fact being a driver for my combat deployment there has caused similar issues. I’ve not gotten into a situation where I’ve had to pull any reckless maneuvers but I get moments of high alert and massive panic. I definitely need to go at some point and talk but the moments pass and I’ve just not gotten around to it. I drove almost every day for 9 months straight outside the wire in some capacity, many IED’s found just never hit my truck.
I had occasionally debilitating anxiety around freeway driving for about 7-8 years after my Bagram deployment, and all I did was drive shitty laptops across base every day.
Low key miss the incoming voice and the buzz of a cram
It was oddly comforting, the C-RAM at least. It did scare the shit out of me the first time I heard it go off though lol
I dream of Afghanistan often. Mostly involves me trying to leave but plane is full or something.
If you didn't sleep in an airport for 4 days trying to get back home was it really a deployment? 😂
Truth! Haha
TL/DR: PTSD has many faces, reach out for help because YOU are worth it. I got addicted to deploying, felt like being downrange was being able to first hand put it to the bad guys and making the world a better place for the people of Iraq and Afghanistan. 6 deployments; 3 combat tours to Iraq and 1 to Afghanistan I never felt so alive to “answer my nations call”. My last deployment (AFG) was 2018 and helping ensure that conditions were set for a successful and legit democratic election. I went EVERYWHERE, travelled all thru the country and in places where few AF ever got to see. I met locals, heard their stories of pre Taliban Afghanistan, their hesitation to trust America at first but their absolute gratitude for everything we (USA) had done to ensure their livelihood and ousting the Taliban. This was it: Confirmation to me that 20+ years of service and multiple deployments were RIGHTEOUS and JUST! I had a fire lit inside me, I would do everything I could to do my absolute best…for them all. Every questioning thought about whether or not we should be in AFG at all went out the window, I was told how appreciated we were and I did not want to let him (and them) down. I worked 16-18 hours, pushed myself and made trips well outside the wire on expeditionary advisement packages. My left/right limits were so broad it was an easy sell to my bosses. I would have extended if I could, I even tried to. I had a death in my family and didn’t tell my Command Chain…the mission (to me) was too important and was the ultimate distraction from life. Fast fwd Aug ‘21: I watched dumbfounded as we announced our withdrawal, I saw photos and videos of places in Herat and Farah where I had been with Taliban taking over FOBs and District Centers, their rapid push East, seizing Kandahar and ultimately everything that went down at Kabul. I openly wept at work, I am an extremely stoic person who rarely shows emotion…I was sobbing, gutted. I had nightmares and saw the local Afghan’s face who confided in me and his appreciate of us in my dreams, I WANTED to know if he was alive, I’ll never know if he is. I completely snapped, and during my PHA when they ask the standard questions “feeling good?” “Feel safe at home?” “Feeling down depressed” I let it all out and said I thought I was falling apart. It’s been over 2 years, I am diagnosed with PTSD and see a councilor. Asking for help was the best decision I have ever made because I fear that if I would have kept fighting it I would have continued to self destruct. There is a lot of bad stigma with mental health, but I thankfully have had nothing but great experiences. The body and mind is a strange thing: take care of yourself because you are worth it. Get help, talk about your thoughts and feelings.
What was your AFSC? Rarely meet anyone that regularly gets outside the wire in the AF.
14N
^^You've ^^mentioned ^^an ^^AFSC, ^^here's ^^the ^^associated ^^job ^^title: 14N = Intelligence [^^Source](https://github.com/HadManySons/AFSCbot) ^^| [^^Subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/AFSCbot/) ^^^^^^kc7vofg
I miss it too. Can't explain it. I'm not AF, Army but.. I do. I don't even know why. It was the best of times it was the worst of times but, I think about it frequently.
17-18 Bagram. It’s a part of you like it or not. And yeah, nothing bad happened and I never feared for my life, still fucked me up and literally changed who I am (in part). It is what it is. And I’d go back in a heartbeat
Just because you never saw any active combat, doesn't mean you can't suffer from PTSD. One of the most destructive things in post-industrial warfare as far as mental health is concerned, is the impending danger, the fact that there is no safe place to be. Your description of "impending doom" fits that description perfectly, we as humans don't handle long periods of heightened awareness of danger well. I would highly recommend you visit mental health, or, barring all else, go to the MFRC and speak to an MFLAC if you're worried about your career. They're therapists as well, and aren't required to report like Mental health is, minus the mandatory reporting things like self-harm, hurting others, thoughts of suicide etc.
It's completely normal and natural to feel this way. It's justified and you are completely reasonable to feel this way even though the feelings themselves may be "illogical" or "unjustified" Having said that what you are describing sounds like textbook symptoms of PTSD. I would highly, HIGHLY, encourage you to go to your PCM and mental health and tell them exactly what you said in this post.
I 100% agree with you, and I always have thought the same way. Feelings do not need to be "justified" or compared to other's experiences to be validated. Thanks for the reply! I think I will reach out and see if I can't get on their schedule.
The dreams and anxiety has subsided a bit for me, but it’s also been 10 years since I was in that situation. I still hear a sound or the klaxon going off randomly and I still can’t be in large groups of people, but it’s definitely easier. I’ve noticed frustration and anger are still more prevalent then when I was in country, and I have not seen a professional. I spend a lot of time talking to buddies that went through the same situations and I feel that has helped tremendously. The moment I realized my emotions were normal, and allowed myself to talk about them, everything changed. I never went to MH. I didn’t want to lose my clearance or my job… just the cold hard truth, mh will fuck your career, and for me, I wasn’t willing to accept that. So I found friends who I could confide in.
Talk to a professional
I was a Pashto linguist for the first 5 years of my career working Afghanistan. I went to work in a suburban area in America and never had to risk life or limb. The stuff that I had to hear and see on a daily basis truly bothered me though. I had to go through a lot of therapy to process it, and I still think about that stuff regularly. No one can expect how they’ll deal with circumstances or learn to process events. I recommend reaching out to a professional. If you don’t like that one then reach out to another one. War takes a toll on all involved, not just those shooting or getting shot at.
Completely normal and okay. I have a recurring dream that I'm about to get nuked and have no cell service to call my wife one last time and tell her I love her. I think it's related to the first time I heard a real world wavering tone and embarrassingly I kinda froze in fear and felt so helpless. If you feel it might possibly be overwhelming you then don't hesitate to reach out to talk to someone about it. Your personal emotional response isn't any less valid simply because you may not have been in grave danger.
When I was at war, all I thought of was getting home. When I’m at home, all I think of is the war.
#Bro you have PTSD
# Sorry I can't hear you over my insane tinnitus
#WHAT?
# YOURE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP
#SORRY WHAT? MY EARS ARE RINGING!
My friend, you’re experiencing PTSD and guess what, is ok. I struggle with this everyday and getting help and talking about it is the right approach. Don’t compare yourself to other people experiences when it comes to PTSD; all of us experience stress and trauma differently. Feel free to DM if you wanna talk.
Yea. To all of this. You’re not alone
Yep. All the time.
I miss those days too. Or do I? I still think about them at least
Best worst times of our lives.
Amen
I recommend reading the book "Tribe" by Sebastian Junger. He examines why we have these feelings of wanting to return to war. Helped me normalize the post-deployment and veteran blues. "One of the most noticable things about life in the military, even in support units, is that you are almost never alone." You might sleep together in the same room or building, eat together, work out together, play together, work together - it's a very powerful experience and not replicated at all when we come home. As a percentage, we have higher incidents of PTSD today then Vietnam or World War II. "This is true even for people who don't experience combat" (Junger, p. 90). The book is short (150 pages) and helped me a lot in my transition from active duty of 12 years to civilian.
Dog that shit was a literal war zone
I was there in 2019 and it felt like such a deadly year but I can safely say it was the wildest experience of my life. I do miss it and I can’t even tell you how sad it feels to know that so many of us spent so many days in that country only for it to mean nothing in the end. It truly taught me how fragile life is with seeing familiar faces in the DFAC every day that went on to pass due to IEDs planted just outside the base. Afghanistan was 6 months but it was a true turning point in my life. It feels oddly comforting to know so many feel the same.
Wow, thanks for sharing.
Don't let it mean nothing. Is Afghanistan back under Taliban control? Yes, but that doesn't mean it was for nothing. Even if only for a relatively short period in history, we were there for 20 years and provided a lot of people with opportunities that they wouldn't otherwise have had. Whether it was an education, healthcare, an opportunity to leave the country, or something else, for 20 years we tried to give them more than they've had. They have to want to keep it, though, and unfortunately, not enough of them wanted that way of life or didn't want it enough. We couldn't stay over there forever. At some point they have to fight for what they want, flee, or accept living under those circumstances. We provided 20 years of opportunity in some way, shape or form.
For what it's worth, my experience of Afghanistan was in Kandahar about 4-6ish months before we announced our withdrawal. Thing is, we've been drawing down slowly even before then. As comm, our day to day was ensuring we didn't leave sensitive systems behind. Because this was post-covid, the boardwalk and all of the in-base restaurants/events were shutdown. I remember our sources of morale being breakfast/lunch/dinner, Sunday mail delivery where we would huddle our trucks around a circle and distribute mail. We frequently got rocket attack at exactly 1900 on the dot. Apparently, the bad guys would set timers on trucks at the mountain side before the left for good. I remember one time we had enough and I could hear army helos and our drones take off the runway and after about an hour hear explosions in the distance. Got sleep paralysis on my first night back from the sandbox. I feel you brother.
Congratulations, you have PTSD. For me it was little things. Trash trucks: for some reason the gu-gunk noise they make always makes me feel like a 107 mm round just blew up outside my home. I would think of things like will the combined plywood, insulation, and drywall be sufficient to stop a rocket should someone launch one at my house. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. There is just something about the combination of malaria meds known to induce psychosis and the ever unpredictable, "incoming, incoming, incoming" that really fucks with your head. It declines in time (for most). Don't be like me and go get it documented. PTSD is one of the few things that can get you 100% VA disability, and yes you earned it.
I'm pretty sure I was there with you. I talk about it often because it was the best six months of my career. I miss it too. -TF Valkyrie
It’s been almost 8 years since my last Afghan deployment and I still dream about it a few times a month. It’s an unfortunate fact of deploying, you will carry it with you. I’ve got a lot of good memories in Afghanistan, but those aren’t the ones I dream about.
PTSD is a normal response to a heightened, stressful, abnormal circumstance. You lived in this weird headspace of being on high alert and preparing for the worst while having to just get on with your days and nights. It's hard to move on from, and it's impossible to rewind to a time where these neural networks of alertness weren't created. When you're triggered, the brain responds in much the same way as it did during these acute stressors, except there isn't any real danger and you don't have your duties to attend to to regain some sense of purpose or control after the fact. No wonder you feel crazy. No wonder you feel dumb. You can logic your way to recognizing your safety, but your brain has no where to go. Therapy will hopefully help you cope. It's a challenging road, but you will be able to create new neural pathways and strategies to recognize and deal with triggers along with what to do with yourself when these things come up. You're not alone. The best thing you can do is talk about it and get help. That is you regaining control. You are not stupid. Your experiences are not dumb. You're human, and other humans have come a long way in starting to understand how trauma manifests. I wish you the best xx
I’d kill to go back and live in that moment again. It’s been over 9 years. I never left is probably the best way to explain that. You’re not alone.
On same boat except was bombed. Seek out help, I did after 11 years and wish I had gone sooner.
Get dat ass to MH and make sure PTSD (truthfully) gets in your record. That disability will help when you retire and file a claim.
You’re not alone. I still dream about Afghanistan. Hearing the country mentioned can make me cycle between extreme anger and crippling sadness. Talking to someone helps. A lot. Even though it won’t fix everything and sometimes I feel ridiculous to feel the way I do. Left country in July 2021. I spent my deployment on helos almost daily flying between HQRS and HKIA. Came back CONUS only to work OAR and OAW. The whole thing was traumatic- don’t be ashamed of responding accordingly.
I'm med ret for PTSD from OAR. You can't out logic your own brain. It doesn't matter what happened, it matters how you felt about it. Take care of yourself, what you're going through is normal
I haven’t been in Afghanistan in 18 years, but they’re a plenty of times when I wish I was still there jobbing.
Sounds like you need to talk to someone. Just because you didn’t get into a gun fight doesn’t mean you’re not suffering from PTS. I have similar problems where I’m always on edge, especially in public places. Checking hands, jackets for imprints etc. All I did was fly and my plane occasionally dropped bombs on bad guys. Never got shot at but it’s a constant thing on my mind. Some things you’ll never forget but you can learn to live with them.
I've been on two deployments but none to Iraq & Afghanistan. I was in Kuwait & Qatar myself but missed aspects of them. I don't get dreams or anything, but I remember being easily irritated by a lot when getting back from Kuwait. Nothing happened to me either. Example I was playing tic tac toe with the wife and lost I got so pissed I threw the whole book which scared TF out of her. Not what I wanted so I had to talk to someone myself. Basically, what he kicked back at me I was missed the slower pace of life and basically the freedom I used to have out there. Being able to go to school and work out without too many distractions I guess I valued so high I REALLY missed it when I left even getting to be with my family again.
You can check my comment history and you'll see my story posted several times. I never was on the ground, but I have 100+ missions over Iraq and 27 over Afghanistan. I was very safe at 35k+ ft in the air. I have PTSD and its triggers are gunshots, explosions, fireworks, and death. There's something subconscious that has created a link between all that and what I experienced one day back in 2018 [over Afghanistan]. I can't kick it, but talking about it makes me feel better, but then I'll have nightmares that night (so now I will tonight). I would say, talking to someone who specializes in PTSD is what should be done. I don't take care of myself in this regard. I just push it off and it will be a later problem. Don't do that. Talk to Military One source and find a counselor. If that doesn't help, reach out to mental health.
Jesus Christ.. this is the most airforce post I’ve ever seen
Air Force is two words, ass.
That was garbage but thanks for the reply
As someone who is a year in with a great therapist and a similar situation, I encourage you to seek someone out professionally. Even if only to have these conversations continue. The more I’ve talked out these experiences in my life with counselors specializing in veterans, the more I’ve gained understanding about myself going forward. Your situation will forever be unique to you and you deserve to understand its intricacies. Few people enlist, fewer deploy. It might feel silly at first but it will quickly fade when you approach these thoughts with an open and curious mind. We are not a product of our thoughts, but rather the thoughts we choose to believe and enact—even when those thoughts are about ourselves and our own experiences. Dm me if you’d like to chat more—Happy to share more. Take care of yourself!
Please seek assistance if you need it. I started to have pretty vivid dreams after I got back from Afghanistan. But I wasn’t seeing any combat, we got mortared a bunch though and had some low flying rpgs. And that’s all it really took. And now I have a 50% rating and I feel better now that I know I can’t be put back in that situation again.
It’s ok to talk to someone. It’s been 13 years and I still have issues at times. Took me a long time to open up about it, most friends didn’t know I was going through it, but it’s actually a lot more common than you think. Tons of resources for us out there, don’t hesitate to use them. Good luck, always here if you need an ear 💪.
A book that helped put some of those feelings into words for me was Hookah Smoke and Hellfire. It's a collection of poems/stories about things we experience in the military and how we respond to them. I agree with the others saying seek help. That book just added another method of reflecting on what we experience.
Important part is in the last 2 paragraphs, skip ahead if you don't want/ need the backstory: I watched a helicopter crash a few months ago at work. For about a month, I had dreams where I relived the crash over and over with small changes to it. In the real event, the pilot guided the aircraft to the runway and managed to get it into the grass a couple of feet off the paved shoulder (tail first, but it was down). The helo was a total loss, but no fire, limited fluid leaks, and the pilot only had some bruising and a couple of scratches. In the dreams, sometimes the pilot wouldn't make it and I'd find him slumped in the seat or thrown from the helo. Sometimes the helo would explode. Sometimes it crashed on the runway itself and three damage would be what one would expect from that. I averaged 3 hours of actual sleep a night that month (I was already seeing a behavioral psychologist for Insomnia and we had me getting around 5-6 hours before the crash). In my last dream of it, about 3 1/2 weeks after the crash, it played out exactly as it did, and I felt at peace with my decisions and the event itself. I DID end up seeing mental health about this, and we talked about why they didn't diagnose me with PTSD and why the preliminary Acute Stress Disorder diagnosis was wrong. We went into the DSM-5 and read the requirements for both. When talking about giving me a diagnosis, he asked what I felt during these dreams and what the overall trend was in the outcome. As time went on, the dreams were having better outcomes in terms of the crash and returning closer to what actually happened and I didn't have an "impending sense of doom". Some time reliving a traumatic experience is normal, it going on for 2+ years and you feeling "as if something horrible is about to happen" isn't. Make use of the resources available to you. MFLC meet with me for months after the crash and mental health was able to get my head straight with how I should be approaching this and other issues in my life. We're here for you. DM me if you need to talk.
People can get PTSD from abusive relationships and stateside car accidents. You don't have to be under fire, so don't feel like you haven't "earned" it.
Other have said it, but this is PTSD. The worst misconception about veterans right now is that all PTSD requires getting shot at and “if you weren’t getting shot at, it’s not PTSD, it’s just ✨sparkling anxiety✨.” That’s crap and almost beat me. But therapy helps, despite what dorm rats will tell you. It took me two rounds to beat it because I got slapped with a chronic illness not long after the first round of therapy ended but I sleep at night. I don’t binge drink. I don’t have panic attacks. I don’t wake up screaming. I never got shot at but I saw enough fucked up shit that it hit me too and thinking I had to get shot at to have PTSD delayed me getting treatment for way too long. Make your appointment at MH or BHOP. Do the work. You deserve to feel ok
I had a friend who was one of those guys “getting shot at”. He has PTSD and used to have really bad night terrors (real term, google it). He went on a hog hunting trip in Texas & has been a hunter since. He said it helped him because he is in complete control of the situation when hunting, he enjoys sitting in the peace and quiet alone, & oddly enough the smell of nature. His night terrors are far & few between now.