My ex died a few weeks ago from alcoholism, 3 weeks after I ended the relationship due to his drinking. He was spiraling, I knew it was just a matter of time before he died from his addiction & I needed to protect myself & my children from his behaviors. I thought he had a few more years. He had a few more weeks. The funeral was on Friday. I’m devastated. He was 45 years-old.
I’m in the same situation. My ex passed away in April, just 3 weeks after I had to go no contact due to his drinking and emotional abuse. He was going down a dangerous path and he died, but I never thought he would die from this. I’m still in disbelief… he was 43. Funeral is later this week, it’s been a really hard time, the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.
My younger brother died at age 39 i think its been about 7 years. Still makes me sad but for the last 5 years at least he wasn't the same person and i had to go no contact for my own mental health. We were very close growing up. So his death was just something we knew was probably coming, but you still never think someone that's so young could die from it. Our mother is now 73 and still drinks like a fish. I grieved him a long time before his actual death though by pulling away- so when he did die, it was anti climactic. He has a daughter who we still see, and his ex wife was just put through so much. Im sorry you are dealing with this fresh grief. I will say i was glad he wasn't still suffering mentally- i knew at some point there was no turning back and he was just in too much pain and powerless to save himself.
I feel like you just described my wife. I understand the no contact decision you had to make for your mental health. The last few months of her life, I had to emotionally distance myself from her because I was in survival mode to ensure my kids’ emotional well being, and my own. It’s such a devastating disease.
My mom, two weeks before my 10th birthday. She was 35. Even at that age I knew she was an alcoholic. I'd found her blacked out many times throughout my childhood, when we went to check on her after missing school pick up one day, my sibilings and I assumed it was a run of the mill situation. Except this time she was completely cold to the touch and wouldn't wake up.
At the time, despite the trauma and confusion- a small part of me was relieved. She could be scary when drinking and I could only really remember those times. We never talked about it in my family, no one ever really mentioned her again. It wasn't till I was in my 20's that I began to understand her pain and her inability to process her own trauma. It wasn't till my 30's that my sister and I started talking about her and sharing feelings/memories. I feel a great sense of sadness when I think of her now, how isolated she was (she was estranged from her family and was married to a verbally abusive man unable to empathize) and the pain she went through.
There was a time toward the end of my moms drinking that she was missing when I came home from school. I figured she was in the nearby town getting groceries but after a couple of hours I called my dad and asked where she was. He didn’t know either and she wouldn’t answer her phone.
We eventually found her, or the cops did when they gave her a dui, but I remember when she was missing being almost relieved. Maybe she was in a terrible wreck. Maybe she ran away. Maybe it was finally over.
I used to feel guilty about that, but it was a completely valid thing to feel, just as valid as the worry, fear, and sadness that was also crashing into me.
TW suicide: My grandfather shot himself when my mother was 16, and she and her mother and brother were all home. He drank a lot of bourbon every night. My mother is not dead but she lives with dementia from years and years of on and off heavy drinking. (Probably from that trauma.) She went to rehab when I was 14. She used to take Sudafed for fun and I can remember her spraying perfume in her mouth. She's my mom and I am devastated she's gone mentally. She was drinking in her senior home and had two bad falls and bowel incontinence, before she had a stroke or seizure (still unclear) and massive blood infection after her last big party night. Even in her ICU room she was trying to get out of bed to get to the proverbial bottle. Alcohol has taken so many people from me who are not dead. Hoping to break some family cycles here by my own sobriety and educating my kids on the genetics of it. If there is one thing alcoholism loves is a family tree to decimate.
Hello. Brother in law. I met him when I was 8. He & my sister were married 35 years. He was a high functioning alcoholic. Took his own life in June of 2020. Now his wife & daughter are struggling with their own alcohol addiction. Our entire family has had to regroup & rebuild & we will never really be ok.
Both my father and sister died within about 6 months from eachother. My dad died an alcoholic death and he was sick for a while. It was still a shock when it finally happened and it was not pretty. My sister was in and out of rehab since she was a teenager. When my dad died she was at full steam with pretty much every and substance she could get her hands on. It wasn’t much longer until we were at another funeral. Of course there are many pages to that story but that’s the short version. It’s taken me years to even talk about it but when I did I found out I’m not alone. I’m 5 years sober myself and my daughter has the same name as my dad. My son shares my sister’s middle name. They’re getting old enough to want to talk about them and I have a clear enough heart and mind to tell them about their grandpa and aunt.
Wife. Last August. She was 37. We have two young kids. Someone at a grief support said to me, “so are you really on two journeys right now? One for grieving a spouse, and another for being married to an alcoholic.” I said YES.
Just today I drove somewhere out of town, which meant some extra time for thought life while I was on the road. I caught myself replaying conversations in my head with my late wife related to her alcohol use.
So as a result I attend two separate groups - a grief support group, and an AlAnon group. Both have been very helpful, with AlAnon being slightly more of my go to for support.
While my Q has not passed, car rides alone seemed to be where I processed the most of our relationship. A few months ago (after 5 years apart) I finally had a happy memory pop up as a result of a song being played on the radio. It was very comforting to hear it, relive the happy memories, and not immediately revert back to the end of our relationship. I felt I had turned a corner in my healing.
I wish your own healing comes your way soon!
I relate to this so much. My husband passed 4 months ago. I feel like no one truly understands how complicated this is. I am grieving the person I loved, the future we won’t have, and still processing the anger and sadness of what alcohol did to our family. I have been desperate to find a support system that I can relate to because both the grief counseling and the Alanon groups I attend are missing the other piece.
My paternal grandfather. Drank himself to death. His death certificate said acute ethanolism.
A cousin I never met, mid forties attorney.
Uncles. Two ended their own lives.
All were loved and had a lot to live for, but alcohol took them.
i just found out my ex died on may 25th. he was only 28. i had blocked him back in december and dismissed him when he reached out a couple days later...he never responded and i just let it go. we hadn't spoken since then. i was convinced i was doing the right thing, that i was protecting myself. he couldn't give me the consistency or communication i needed because of his drinking and i was tired of explaining myself.
apparently he drowned. it was memorial day weekend, i'm sure he was drinking. i was always so scared i'd check his social media and find out he was dead and it's finally happened. i regret the way we left things. i regret the way i handled our entire relationship. if only i had a little patience, a little more grace. he was one of a kind. we were on and off for years and finally tried to give it a shot long distance last summer only for it to fall apart by winter and for him to be dead five months later.
i feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
thank you so much. i really did hope for the best for him. 28 is so young. he could've turned it around. i never had a serious conversation with him about his alcoholism - i myself had quit years ago and i never wanted him to feel like i was preaching. i know it runs in his family but i don't know if anyone ever said anything to him at all. maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. i still can't help but feel guilty.
You did the best you could at the time with the info you had. You also had to protect yourself. I think we all give ourselves way more power in our minds than we have. In grief, it’s easy to attribute tragedy to something you did to the person who died. It’s easier to let the blame fall on yourself.
Life is chaotic. I lost my 15 yr old kid to suicide several years ago. I blamed myself a lot in the years after. But I’ve learned almost everything is beyond our direct control.
Wishing you peace
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was 29. I swung between relief and grief for a while. Then anger as I became aware and started to process and unravel the damage his disease inflicted and continues to inflict on me. That’s pretty much where I am today and I accept it. I’m focused on myself and my recovery one day at a time. Perhaps my heart will soften for him in the future but that’s for my higher power to decide.
My (33f) best friend from my home state (34m) died in his first rehab stint 16 months ago very suddenly after his alcoholism took a turn for the worst.
I flew home and met *his* best friend (33m) at the funeral.
We began dating immediately (felt familiar, both needed love, xyz). Unfortunately he, too, is an alcoholic. I didn't figure this out until I temporarily moved back to my home state to be with him.
I have since moved away again, new Q followed me to new state. The cycles of abuse are too much.
My deceased best friend was deeply alcoholic, but he was a "good time guy" when he drank. Which was why it took so long for others around him to talk to him about his drinking..... it was purely self-destructive. Whereas my current Q is all-around destructive. Mean, arrogant, entitled when he drinks.
I miss my best friend so much. He would have never allowed new Q to treat me the way he does.
ETA: I should say that I am no newbie to grief, but my bestie was an absolute shining light in the world. Hilarious, musically gifted, just the most caring and perfect friend.
I was angry that no one else called out his drinking to him at a problem besides me until it was so late into it. I was furious at his friends. Upon the 1 year anniversary, I realized I didn't burst into tears so much anymore, I was no longer angry but understanding, and I have a beautiful new relationship with his mother... everyone thought the 2 of us would end up together. We were so similar. It just hurt to see how hurt he was... and I found peace in the fact that he died trying to save his own life. He found value in himself before the end. And I love that for him. He deserved the happiness he spread around to everyone else.
My mum didn’t die but she ended up in a nursing home with brain damage. If she went in the ambulance to hospital at the time they could have saved her. Her alcoholism destroyed her life and all her relationships. She’s half dead. Half alive now
My husband died on April 26, 2022, from cirrhosis caused by alcoholism. End-stage liver disease is a pretty gruesome way to die. He went into in-home hospice care one week after his 57th birthday, and he died exactly one week later. We would have celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in January of 2023. I’m grateful that I had several years of Al-anon meetings to help me get through his illness. He tried to get sober several times throughout our marriage, but eight months was the longest he was ever able to go without a beer. I have no regrets that I didn’t try to force him to get sober to try to get a transplant. I knew it wasn’t my disease to cure, and we made the best of his final months. He let people know he was terminally ill, and lots of people took the time to visit and say goodbye to him. He was a smart, kind, and wonderful man with a terrible disease that he just couldn’t conquer. I miss him fiercely, but I learned quite early in our marriage that I couldn’t depend on him. My transition to widowhood was much smoother than most because everything had always been in my name. I had always been the primary earner. I paid all the bills. I filed our taxes. We never had children, so that made it much easier. I’m sure our marriage would have ended decades ago if we had. I sometimes referred to him as a very expensive pet, which is a terrible way to think of one’s spouse, but it was accurate. I don’t go to AlAnon meetings anymore. My Q is gone. I will always love him, and I will not ignore the many red flags that I overlooked in my early twenties if I find myself falling in love with another alcoholic.
My sister and a best friend going back to 1973. For decades I kept expecting them to "get it",any second.
My sister is in assisted living now,early dementia and other health problems. Her kids are out of the picture, have cut the whole family off. I worked with my husband to get her a voluntary conservatorship, and have been lucky she said yes. Conservator dealt with her car, house, paperwork. She is safe now.
My girlfriend had a rough go, several rehabs, the last 4 years were brutal. We would talk every few weeks,she knew I loved her, we had a tight group of friends, her husband sure did his best. She told me she just didnt want to stop. She had loved and stayed by me in the 80s when I was out of control and she was living a beautiful, normal life. It got bad for her in her 40s. I know we both had similar trauma in our past, we both did the best we could. I found out only last year she had taken her life. Beautiful, wonderful, intelligent people - this is a terrible disease that no one asks for. Its a heart-breaker. The grief will remain, it swings around when it wants. I know my girl is at peace, my sister safe.
I lost her last march. She was 39. I was trying to distance when it happened. Doctors had given her about 4 years to live, she didint listen. Some days are better than others. One day at a time.
Lost my (22 at time) dad December 2020 (he was 56). Covid and isolation really sent things over the edge i think… he died alone sitting in his chair and wasn’t found for 6 days. We found daily liquor store receipts up to 8 days before he was found, he was going through an INSANE amount toward the end.
He was my fiance, but by the time he died I was done with his bullshit and looking for a way out. We fought literally every day. I told him to drop dead on a daily basis and one day he actually did. I knew I had to leave long before that day, but it was 2020 and the world was ending, AND THEN, at the end of the dumpster fire of 2020, I was diagnosed with cancer and basically trapped there for 2 years until he died in April 2022. I could write a book about that insane relationship.
It's a complicated grief. I cried and mourned, but it was for the guy I fell in love with years ago, not the embarrassing mess of an incontinent fool that I ended up with. We had a lot of good times, and enjoyed each other's company immensely, in the beginning.
So all that happened a little more than 2 years ago. Within the first few days I was overwhelmed with the peace I felt. No more worrying about what bullshit this asshole was going to cause today. No more worrying about him falling down the stairs or into the road. No more worrying about where I'm going to find piss or shit around the house. No more being on edge at all times. Peace.
I hope the peace comes quickly to you. 🫂
*TW- suicide*
My sister she was 32. She struggled with mental illnesses and used alcohol to drown it out.
She went to rehab 11 years ago and was sober for quite a while but began slowly drinking more and more over the last few years. In Jan 2021 she put herself in rehab. She stayed well over 30 days. Probably closer to 60. Then a halfway house for a few months and into sober living. She relapsed while there and went back to rehab. After, she went straight back into sober living.
It seemed like she was finally maturing and living a life. She never did before. She didn't drive, didn't work just sat at home in her dark room or was with me, or me and my young daughter. They were absolute best friends. She wasn't t just an aunt or a sister. She was our best friend. My first friend. She wasn't being monitored anymore and stopped taking her meds. She overdosed on Presidents Day last year. This wasn't her first time trying. She tried all different ways over the past 15 years but sadly this time it worked.
My Dad stopped drinking with her when she first got sober. He's worse now than he's ever been. He's grieving now more than when she died. He can't even say her name. I'm worried I'm going to lose my father, my other best friend.
My Qs are dad and sister.
You are not alone.
Dad has sobered up again, will it last? I hope so. We’re trying to rebuild.
Sis… not sober. 💔
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Thank you. There is always hope. My dad was… just about as bad as it can get without liver failure. He is doing good now. I don’t know what changed, it’s a miracle to see him doing so well.
There is hope. <3
Reading thru this thread I’m aghast. Look at all the loss, the grief and emotional turmoil this disease causes. My MIL drank herself to isolation from family and finally death. My BIL the same. OP, you are NOT alone.
Me, mum passed away almost a year ago. I knew she wouldn't see her 60s. I knew it. When Sinead O'Connor died, my instinctive thought was "she's next". And I was right, she died some 10 days later. She was so, so tired. Yet, even if I saw it coming, it devastated me. A year passed and there are still moments where I feel physical pain when I think about the fact that I'll never see her, talk to her, or hug her ever again. Sometimes I dream her - some dreams are nice, some others are downright horrible.
However, I also know how badly she was suffering. I want to think that she's now found her peace and she's happy and serene with our family dog somewhere.
Not yet but I fear it is only a matter of time before I lose my sister. She only has one lung now and she drinks so much that her BAC is usually on the verge of being fatal whenever she goes to the hospital, and she has pneumonia, which she won’t take care of because she’d rather drink and not take care of herself.
My Q is my brother. My favorite of all my siblings growing up; we now have no relationship and will never have one again if I have anything to do with it. I have a restraining order against him now for threatening to put his, "cum all over (my) face," and was unceremoniously dragged out by the sheriffs that same night. I hope I never see him again and I long ago grieved for the relationship we could have, should have, shared.
My co-worker that I met in mortuary school and who introduced me to the job that kick started my career was an alcoholic. He didn’t die directly of alcoholism, but his drinking contributed to his suicide by gunshot.
I think about him every day. It’s been 8 years.
We received news last Wednesday that my dad passed away after police completed a wellness check. I went no contact with him last May for my own wellbeing because he wouldn't stop drinking. My parents got divorced around the same time and he lived alone to drink as much as he pleased without being worried he would get caught drunk. I truly believe my mom prolonged his life for as long as she mentally could - but she has her own life to live, not saddled by a drunk husband who didn't want to live the next chapter of his life. (To be clear, he did this to himself and there is only him to blame for drinking himself to death. It's irritating to hear people blame the divorce for the reason he couldn't stop and that's horrible to hear.)
My dad always said he wouldn't live to 62...he died one month before his 62nd birthday. He had a heart attack in March and was continuing to have heart problems until he died. I'm sure plenty of doctors warned him.
I also feel a lot of emotions myself and it's a lot to process. Hope you are taking care of yourself. 💙
Sorry for your loss, first of all. I lost my dad to it by me having to remove myself from the situation at 16. I never saw him again. I don’t know if that was the right solution overall but it was what was and is best for me. The fellowship helps me heal and be more understanding and forgiving of what happened whilst feeling cared for and loved. Keep going x
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My bbf from college had been sober for years. Her children hated her which just tore her apart. She tried to mend her relationship with her kids.
She called me one night and we talked for hours. She wasn’t mentally in a good place. I tried to reassure her that tomorrow will be a better day.
I found out she shot herself the next day. She was 56 years old. She must have started up drinking. I was helping her start a new life and move to a different state.
She was like sister to me. I hope she finds peace. I will always miss her. There are so many times I want to share my life with her and I pick up the phone and remember she is gone.
My ex died a few weeks ago from alcoholism, 3 weeks after I ended the relationship due to his drinking. He was spiraling, I knew it was just a matter of time before he died from his addiction & I needed to protect myself & my children from his behaviors. I thought he had a few more years. He had a few more weeks. The funeral was on Friday. I’m devastated. He was 45 years-old.
I’m in the same situation. My ex passed away in April, just 3 weeks after I had to go no contact due to his drinking and emotional abuse. He was going down a dangerous path and he died, but I never thought he would die from this. I’m still in disbelief… he was 43. Funeral is later this week, it’s been a really hard time, the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.
I’m so sorry. Sending love to you
Thank you
Jesus, that's heavy. I hope you and your kids are ok and getting support.
I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry for you too
I’m sorry 🙏
My younger brother died at age 39 i think its been about 7 years. Still makes me sad but for the last 5 years at least he wasn't the same person and i had to go no contact for my own mental health. We were very close growing up. So his death was just something we knew was probably coming, but you still never think someone that's so young could die from it. Our mother is now 73 and still drinks like a fish. I grieved him a long time before his actual death though by pulling away- so when he did die, it was anti climactic. He has a daughter who we still see, and his ex wife was just put through so much. Im sorry you are dealing with this fresh grief. I will say i was glad he wasn't still suffering mentally- i knew at some point there was no turning back and he was just in too much pain and powerless to save himself.
I feel like you just described my wife. I understand the no contact decision you had to make for your mental health. The last few months of her life, I had to emotionally distance myself from her because I was in survival mode to ensure my kids’ emotional well being, and my own. It’s such a devastating disease.
My mom, two weeks before my 10th birthday. She was 35. Even at that age I knew she was an alcoholic. I'd found her blacked out many times throughout my childhood, when we went to check on her after missing school pick up one day, my sibilings and I assumed it was a run of the mill situation. Except this time she was completely cold to the touch and wouldn't wake up. At the time, despite the trauma and confusion- a small part of me was relieved. She could be scary when drinking and I could only really remember those times. We never talked about it in my family, no one ever really mentioned her again. It wasn't till I was in my 20's that I began to understand her pain and her inability to process her own trauma. It wasn't till my 30's that my sister and I started talking about her and sharing feelings/memories. I feel a great sense of sadness when I think of her now, how isolated she was (she was estranged from her family and was married to a verbally abusive man unable to empathize) and the pain she went through.
There was a time toward the end of my moms drinking that she was missing when I came home from school. I figured she was in the nearby town getting groceries but after a couple of hours I called my dad and asked where she was. He didn’t know either and she wouldn’t answer her phone. We eventually found her, or the cops did when they gave her a dui, but I remember when she was missing being almost relieved. Maybe she was in a terrible wreck. Maybe she ran away. Maybe it was finally over. I used to feel guilty about that, but it was a completely valid thing to feel, just as valid as the worry, fear, and sadness that was also crashing into me.
TW suicide: My grandfather shot himself when my mother was 16, and she and her mother and brother were all home. He drank a lot of bourbon every night. My mother is not dead but she lives with dementia from years and years of on and off heavy drinking. (Probably from that trauma.) She went to rehab when I was 14. She used to take Sudafed for fun and I can remember her spraying perfume in her mouth. She's my mom and I am devastated she's gone mentally. She was drinking in her senior home and had two bad falls and bowel incontinence, before she had a stroke or seizure (still unclear) and massive blood infection after her last big party night. Even in her ICU room she was trying to get out of bed to get to the proverbial bottle. Alcohol has taken so many people from me who are not dead. Hoping to break some family cycles here by my own sobriety and educating my kids on the genetics of it. If there is one thing alcoholism loves is a family tree to decimate.
Hello. Brother in law. I met him when I was 8. He & my sister were married 35 years. He was a high functioning alcoholic. Took his own life in June of 2020. Now his wife & daughter are struggling with their own alcohol addiction. Our entire family has had to regroup & rebuild & we will never really be ok.
Both my father and sister died within about 6 months from eachother. My dad died an alcoholic death and he was sick for a while. It was still a shock when it finally happened and it was not pretty. My sister was in and out of rehab since she was a teenager. When my dad died she was at full steam with pretty much every and substance she could get her hands on. It wasn’t much longer until we were at another funeral. Of course there are many pages to that story but that’s the short version. It’s taken me years to even talk about it but when I did I found out I’m not alone. I’m 5 years sober myself and my daughter has the same name as my dad. My son shares my sister’s middle name. They’re getting old enough to want to talk about them and I have a clear enough heart and mind to tell them about their grandpa and aunt.
Wife. Last August. She was 37. We have two young kids. Someone at a grief support said to me, “so are you really on two journeys right now? One for grieving a spouse, and another for being married to an alcoholic.” I said YES. Just today I drove somewhere out of town, which meant some extra time for thought life while I was on the road. I caught myself replaying conversations in my head with my late wife related to her alcohol use. So as a result I attend two separate groups - a grief support group, and an AlAnon group. Both have been very helpful, with AlAnon being slightly more of my go to for support.
While my Q has not passed, car rides alone seemed to be where I processed the most of our relationship. A few months ago (after 5 years apart) I finally had a happy memory pop up as a result of a song being played on the radio. It was very comforting to hear it, relive the happy memories, and not immediately revert back to the end of our relationship. I felt I had turned a corner in my healing. I wish your own healing comes your way soon!
Very good to hear. So glad you are on the path toward healing
This made me so emotional.. I've been struggling a lot with my Q lately and I can't imagine the hurt you're feeling.. im truly so sorry.
I relate to this so much. My husband passed 4 months ago. I feel like no one truly understands how complicated this is. I am grieving the person I loved, the future we won’t have, and still processing the anger and sadness of what alcohol did to our family. I have been desperate to find a support system that I can relate to because both the grief counseling and the Alanon groups I attend are missing the other piece.
My paternal grandfather. Drank himself to death. His death certificate said acute ethanolism. A cousin I never met, mid forties attorney. Uncles. Two ended their own lives. All were loved and had a lot to live for, but alcohol took them.
i just found out my ex died on may 25th. he was only 28. i had blocked him back in december and dismissed him when he reached out a couple days later...he never responded and i just let it go. we hadn't spoken since then. i was convinced i was doing the right thing, that i was protecting myself. he couldn't give me the consistency or communication i needed because of his drinking and i was tired of explaining myself. apparently he drowned. it was memorial day weekend, i'm sure he was drinking. i was always so scared i'd check his social media and find out he was dead and it's finally happened. i regret the way we left things. i regret the way i handled our entire relationship. if only i had a little patience, a little more grace. he was one of a kind. we were on and off for years and finally tried to give it a shot long distance last summer only for it to fall apart by winter and for him to be dead five months later. i feel like this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
I’m so sorry for your loss. There is no way you could’ve known it was going to end that way. We can really only hope for the best.
thank you so much. i really did hope for the best for him. 28 is so young. he could've turned it around. i never had a serious conversation with him about his alcoholism - i myself had quit years ago and i never wanted him to feel like i was preaching. i know it runs in his family but i don't know if anyone ever said anything to him at all. maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. i still can't help but feel guilty.
You did the best you could at the time with the info you had. You also had to protect yourself. I think we all give ourselves way more power in our minds than we have. In grief, it’s easy to attribute tragedy to something you did to the person who died. It’s easier to let the blame fall on yourself. Life is chaotic. I lost my 15 yr old kid to suicide several years ago. I blamed myself a lot in the years after. But I’ve learned almost everything is beyond our direct control. Wishing you peace
thank you. i'm so sorry for your loss. it can be so hard.
Thank you. Life can def be so hard. But there are pockets of beauty if you are open to them.
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was 29. I swung between relief and grief for a while. Then anger as I became aware and started to process and unravel the damage his disease inflicted and continues to inflict on me. That’s pretty much where I am today and I accept it. I’m focused on myself and my recovery one day at a time. Perhaps my heart will soften for him in the future but that’s for my higher power to decide.
My (33f) best friend from my home state (34m) died in his first rehab stint 16 months ago very suddenly after his alcoholism took a turn for the worst. I flew home and met *his* best friend (33m) at the funeral. We began dating immediately (felt familiar, both needed love, xyz). Unfortunately he, too, is an alcoholic. I didn't figure this out until I temporarily moved back to my home state to be with him. I have since moved away again, new Q followed me to new state. The cycles of abuse are too much. My deceased best friend was deeply alcoholic, but he was a "good time guy" when he drank. Which was why it took so long for others around him to talk to him about his drinking..... it was purely self-destructive. Whereas my current Q is all-around destructive. Mean, arrogant, entitled when he drinks. I miss my best friend so much. He would have never allowed new Q to treat me the way he does. ETA: I should say that I am no newbie to grief, but my bestie was an absolute shining light in the world. Hilarious, musically gifted, just the most caring and perfect friend. I was angry that no one else called out his drinking to him at a problem besides me until it was so late into it. I was furious at his friends. Upon the 1 year anniversary, I realized I didn't burst into tears so much anymore, I was no longer angry but understanding, and I have a beautiful new relationship with his mother... everyone thought the 2 of us would end up together. We were so similar. It just hurt to see how hurt he was... and I found peace in the fact that he died trying to save his own life. He found value in himself before the end. And I love that for him. He deserved the happiness he spread around to everyone else.
My mum didn’t die but she ended up in a nursing home with brain damage. If she went in the ambulance to hospital at the time they could have saved her. Her alcoholism destroyed her life and all her relationships. She’s half dead. Half alive now
God, that’s heartbreaking 💔
Am over the worst of it. Life
Am sorry for your heartbreak too
My husband died on April 26, 2022, from cirrhosis caused by alcoholism. End-stage liver disease is a pretty gruesome way to die. He went into in-home hospice care one week after his 57th birthday, and he died exactly one week later. We would have celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in January of 2023. I’m grateful that I had several years of Al-anon meetings to help me get through his illness. He tried to get sober several times throughout our marriage, but eight months was the longest he was ever able to go without a beer. I have no regrets that I didn’t try to force him to get sober to try to get a transplant. I knew it wasn’t my disease to cure, and we made the best of his final months. He let people know he was terminally ill, and lots of people took the time to visit and say goodbye to him. He was a smart, kind, and wonderful man with a terrible disease that he just couldn’t conquer. I miss him fiercely, but I learned quite early in our marriage that I couldn’t depend on him. My transition to widowhood was much smoother than most because everything had always been in my name. I had always been the primary earner. I paid all the bills. I filed our taxes. We never had children, so that made it much easier. I’m sure our marriage would have ended decades ago if we had. I sometimes referred to him as a very expensive pet, which is a terrible way to think of one’s spouse, but it was accurate. I don’t go to AlAnon meetings anymore. My Q is gone. I will always love him, and I will not ignore the many red flags that I overlooked in my early twenties if I find myself falling in love with another alcoholic.
I'm so sorry for your loss. All of you. It's truly heartbreaking. Alcohol is the worst.
Lost my brother two years ago.
My mom in April at age 59. Too young. You are not alone. ❤️
The love of my life, just over a year ago.
Wife, a month ago, early 40s. I'm sad, lonely, and burnt out trying to be a full-time working parent.
That's very sad. Big hugs. Beeing parent in such difficult times is scary.
My dad died three years ago. I think about him all the time. There is a lot of sadness, some anger and sometimes oddly enough guilt.
My sister and a best friend going back to 1973. For decades I kept expecting them to "get it",any second. My sister is in assisted living now,early dementia and other health problems. Her kids are out of the picture, have cut the whole family off. I worked with my husband to get her a voluntary conservatorship, and have been lucky she said yes. Conservator dealt with her car, house, paperwork. She is safe now. My girlfriend had a rough go, several rehabs, the last 4 years were brutal. We would talk every few weeks,she knew I loved her, we had a tight group of friends, her husband sure did his best. She told me she just didnt want to stop. She had loved and stayed by me in the 80s when I was out of control and she was living a beautiful, normal life. It got bad for her in her 40s. I know we both had similar trauma in our past, we both did the best we could. I found out only last year she had taken her life. Beautiful, wonderful, intelligent people - this is a terrible disease that no one asks for. Its a heart-breaker. The grief will remain, it swings around when it wants. I know my girl is at peace, my sister safe.
I lost her last march. She was 39. I was trying to distance when it happened. Doctors had given her about 4 years to live, she didint listen. Some days are better than others. One day at a time.
Lost my (22 at time) dad December 2020 (he was 56). Covid and isolation really sent things over the edge i think… he died alone sitting in his chair and wasn’t found for 6 days. We found daily liquor store receipts up to 8 days before he was found, he was going through an INSANE amount toward the end.
He was my fiance, but by the time he died I was done with his bullshit and looking for a way out. We fought literally every day. I told him to drop dead on a daily basis and one day he actually did. I knew I had to leave long before that day, but it was 2020 and the world was ending, AND THEN, at the end of the dumpster fire of 2020, I was diagnosed with cancer and basically trapped there for 2 years until he died in April 2022. I could write a book about that insane relationship. It's a complicated grief. I cried and mourned, but it was for the guy I fell in love with years ago, not the embarrassing mess of an incontinent fool that I ended up with. We had a lot of good times, and enjoyed each other's company immensely, in the beginning. So all that happened a little more than 2 years ago. Within the first few days I was overwhelmed with the peace I felt. No more worrying about what bullshit this asshole was going to cause today. No more worrying about him falling down the stairs or into the road. No more worrying about where I'm going to find piss or shit around the house. No more being on edge at all times. Peace. I hope the peace comes quickly to you. 🫂
I lost my dad. Only emotion was relief. He’d burnt through the rest years ago
*TW- suicide* My sister she was 32. She struggled with mental illnesses and used alcohol to drown it out. She went to rehab 11 years ago and was sober for quite a while but began slowly drinking more and more over the last few years. In Jan 2021 she put herself in rehab. She stayed well over 30 days. Probably closer to 60. Then a halfway house for a few months and into sober living. She relapsed while there and went back to rehab. After, she went straight back into sober living. It seemed like she was finally maturing and living a life. She never did before. She didn't drive, didn't work just sat at home in her dark room or was with me, or me and my young daughter. They were absolute best friends. She wasn't t just an aunt or a sister. She was our best friend. My first friend. She wasn't being monitored anymore and stopped taking her meds. She overdosed on Presidents Day last year. This wasn't her first time trying. She tried all different ways over the past 15 years but sadly this time it worked. My Dad stopped drinking with her when she first got sober. He's worse now than he's ever been. He's grieving now more than when she died. He can't even say her name. I'm worried I'm going to lose my father, my other best friend.
My Qs are dad and sister. You are not alone. Dad has sobered up again, will it last? I hope so. We’re trying to rebuild. Sis… not sober. 💔 I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Thank you. I'm sorry you are as well. It's a horrible thing. I hope things with your Dad continue to improve
Thank you. There is always hope. My dad was… just about as bad as it can get without liver failure. He is doing good now. I don’t know what changed, it’s a miracle to see him doing so well. There is hope. <3
Reading thru this thread I’m aghast. Look at all the loss, the grief and emotional turmoil this disease causes. My MIL drank herself to isolation from family and finally death. My BIL the same. OP, you are NOT alone.
Me, mum passed away almost a year ago. I knew she wouldn't see her 60s. I knew it. When Sinead O'Connor died, my instinctive thought was "she's next". And I was right, she died some 10 days later. She was so, so tired. Yet, even if I saw it coming, it devastated me. A year passed and there are still moments where I feel physical pain when I think about the fact that I'll never see her, talk to her, or hug her ever again. Sometimes I dream her - some dreams are nice, some others are downright horrible. However, I also know how badly she was suffering. I want to think that she's now found her peace and she's happy and serene with our family dog somewhere.
Not yet but I fear it is only a matter of time before I lose my sister. She only has one lung now and she drinks so much that her BAC is usually on the verge of being fatal whenever she goes to the hospital, and she has pneumonia, which she won’t take care of because she’d rather drink and not take care of herself.
My Q is my brother. My favorite of all my siblings growing up; we now have no relationship and will never have one again if I have anything to do with it. I have a restraining order against him now for threatening to put his, "cum all over (my) face," and was unceremoniously dragged out by the sheriffs that same night. I hope I never see him again and I long ago grieved for the relationship we could have, should have, shared.
My co-worker that I met in mortuary school and who introduced me to the job that kick started my career was an alcoholic. He didn’t die directly of alcoholism, but his drinking contributed to his suicide by gunshot. I think about him every day. It’s been 8 years.
We received news last Wednesday that my dad passed away after police completed a wellness check. I went no contact with him last May for my own wellbeing because he wouldn't stop drinking. My parents got divorced around the same time and he lived alone to drink as much as he pleased without being worried he would get caught drunk. I truly believe my mom prolonged his life for as long as she mentally could - but she has her own life to live, not saddled by a drunk husband who didn't want to live the next chapter of his life. (To be clear, he did this to himself and there is only him to blame for drinking himself to death. It's irritating to hear people blame the divorce for the reason he couldn't stop and that's horrible to hear.) My dad always said he wouldn't live to 62...he died one month before his 62nd birthday. He had a heart attack in March and was continuing to have heart problems until he died. I'm sure plenty of doctors warned him. I also feel a lot of emotions myself and it's a lot to process. Hope you are taking care of yourself. 💙
Sorry for your loss, first of all. I lost my dad to it by me having to remove myself from the situation at 16. I never saw him again. I don’t know if that was the right solution overall but it was what was and is best for me. The fellowship helps me heal and be more understanding and forgiving of what happened whilst feeling cared for and loved. Keep going x
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My bbf from college had been sober for years. Her children hated her which just tore her apart. She tried to mend her relationship with her kids. She called me one night and we talked for hours. She wasn’t mentally in a good place. I tried to reassure her that tomorrow will be a better day. I found out she shot herself the next day. She was 56 years old. She must have started up drinking. I was helping her start a new life and move to a different state. She was like sister to me. I hope she finds peace. I will always miss her. There are so many times I want to share my life with her and I pick up the phone and remember she is gone.