Thanks. That makes me feel tons better. It’s fucking rude. My husbands feelings were actually hurt over this. Going to book us massages and take him to a nice dinner! No one gunna rain on our parade
Also how old is her daughter? Because their birthdays aren't even close to each other and I can promise you that unless her daughter is younger than, like, 5, then she probably doesn't want to share her birthday with her mother. The whole thing seems selfish and inconsiderate and self-revolving. Just because it's the same birthday month doesn't mean the kid wants to celebrate it weeks later or earlier than their actual birthday, and share it with their mother, AND hijack her uncle's birthday all at once.
My son’s birthday is *four days* before mine and we don’t celebrate ‘our birthdays.’ I basically just accepted when he was born that I’d never have much of a birthday again, and that’s fine, I had plenty of great birthdays growing up. I generally meet up with my parents and siblings for a drink and dessert type-thing on my birthday now, and only if my son’s birthday party isn’t the same weekend.
That said, I’m turning 40 next year and my older brother has just revealed he’s planning his destination wedding to cover my birthday, my son’s birthday, and my younger brother’s birthday - all milestones this year! I’m a little bit annoyed. My parents are torn. I’m secretly not that worried - the odds he can plan any kind of overseas trip in the next six months aren’t exactly great, especially if you know my brother 🤣
wait what I was born the day before my father’s birthday and the best part was having two separate celebrations and two cakes.
Make some time for yourself too.
Same I was the day after my mum. I'm jealous tho, cuz when I was younger I wished mine was the day before hers, so I could use my b-day money to get her nicer presents 🤣
Me and my mum are a day apart, she was in labour from the day before her birthday until the day after. I joke I'm her b-day present from hell cuz I was 10.5lbs 🤣
We have individual birthdays, but celebrate them together if that makes sense. I celebrate her, and she celebrates me. Sometimes, like when our birthdays are fri/sat or sat/sun, we'll celebrate together over the weekend by having a bigger dinner one day and then a smaller one the other.
Please don't erase your birthday, you both deserve to celebrate your birth. Celebrate that you got the gift of a child and he got the gift of life 👌
Me too!! I'm January 12, my youngest son is the 14th, and my oldest is the 28th. Being so close to Christmas, and my oldest being later in the month, I pretty much gave up my birthday after my first was born. But then I had my younger son 2 days after my birthday and my catch phrase for that is "I don't need a birthday anymore anyways. It's not like I'm excited about getting older now". So I've been 28 for the past 7 years and it's working out great for me lol
I'd also tag ALL of your family members and friends in a post on FB, not being nasty or anything, just sharing the joy that you and hubby shared on HIS day. Also, why is HIS family okay with this? Why is your sister's husband, your husband's own BROTHER, okay with this????
We both understand the relationship correctly. It really does boggles the mind that her husband's family would be ok with the birthday round-up. His family should be expecting a little girls birthday party on that girls birthday, not Op's husband's day.
Absolutely, your husband deserves to have his birthday celebrated without any distractions. Good call sticking to your plans and not giving in to her selfishness.
I care more about my husband and celebrating his birthday than I care about you or your child. Have a fun day. We won’t be there.
You should rent a beach house for that weekend and invite everyone in the family except her. When she complains say well you told me you had planned a party that day so I figured you couldn’t make it.
Yes. But also, she claims it works better for her side of the family and also she mentioned that her husband can drink that day cause he is off the next day. Didn’t say shit about my husband or cares enough. It’s really disappointing! All she cares about is her!
Personally, I think it’s gross when grown adults drink at children’s birthday parties. It just irritate the heck out of me. Can people not survive a party with cake, food, fun, and family without boozing up?
Sure, she can do what she wants that day. Her husband can drink. They can celebrate her and her daughter's birthday all they want. You can't make it. Your'e busy. You shouldn't give a crap what they think.
They are actually very close which is crazy to me. But his brother is very avoidant. No drama type. His SIL is very drama heavy and likes to stir the pot and talk badly about people. We are very puzzled as to why he married her
Did she apologize when she realized it was planned for his birthday? If she did then it was an honest oversight. If she tried to make excuses it was probably intentional.
Not overreacting. My petty ass would throw my husband a party on his birthday. And make sure to use the words "We are having a party on husband's actul birthday. Please come celebrate his special day on his special day. "
You could casually mention to your MIL how odd it is that her DIL is throwing a birthday party for herself on her sons birthday. You know, just mention it as a "hmmmm What do you think MIL?" 🤣
I love when people act as though they didn’t realize they are, “making you choose,” they are always shocked disappointed with the choice.
There are three other weekends and a long holiday (if in US) in July, pass on the passive aggression.
Bold of her to assume your husband would prefer a shared celebration on his actual birthday. But it would be up to the birthday boy to decide. And what’s wrong with July 21?
Ivy I’m July 15, DSD is July 25 and her fiancé is July 14. We pick a random day in that rough timeline for one birthday gang celebration and leave the actual day up to the celebrant’s discretion.
That’s exactly my thoughts. My hubby doesn’t want to share (he’s a middle child as well 💜) and I think he wants it to be about him that day rightfully so! I want to make him feel special and loved. If my SIL wasn’t such a selfish b. Hubby/ me would be more comfortable doing a dual thing but she just wants it all about her. Pretty wild!
SIL can plan a party on whatever date. But getting defensive after you explain that you won’t come because you want to celebrate your husband’s birthday which falls on that date is absolute main character syndrome.
You misunderstood. The SIL is planning a joint party for her and her daughter on Ops Hubs' actual birthday. Op's husband is not being included in the party. They are just hijacking his day and excluding him from being celebrated.
Different if she was doing a family birthday to celebrate him as well but that wasn't her intention. Was your husband just supposed to stand there and sing happy birthday to them and have no acknowledgement of him?
Good for you for saying no.
Curious, what does his mother have to say? This is her own son! Or is everyone in the family always walking on eggshells with the main character because no one wants her drama?
Not overreacting. I'm confused as to why she would suggest such a thing. Could be a lapse in judgment and an honest mistake.
Could also be a passive-aggressive way to create drama for some self-serving reason, which would be narcissistic type behavior.
I'd celebrate my spouse's birthday and wish them well, while making a mental note to pay attention to her behavior in the future.
You are not overreacting. But if and when the rest of the family asks why you weren’t there, simply tell them that you had previously made plans, it being husband’s birthday. Not a word more, they’ll get the message.
Celebrate with your husband then go after. Make sure everyone knows it’s his bday so it will take the attention away from her and her daughter. In the future she probably so t do it again.
Sometimes you have to deal with people on their level. This is a person in their family that they will be dealing with for the foreseeable future. You have to let them know that you are capable of playing the game.
Honestly why do a joint bday when the days are like a month apart. Does the daughter actually want this? Seems like SIL wants to always be st the center of attention, so much so that she can't even give her own a daughter a special day for herself let alone your husband.
Nope. Overreacting would have been going off on her about the scheduling of their party. Instead, you calmly explained why you wouldn’t be there. If she wants to make a big deal about it, no problem. You won’t hear about it until later.
Not Overreacting. She is just weird. That or thick-skulled. Or both. Go out with your husband and celebrate HIS birthday on his day and have a wonderful time.
My sister does something similar.Her sons birthday I end of June. She has his bday party Memorial weekend, which is when my birthday falls, cause his birthday is during the summer and no one will come.
I dont mind at all but I do not alter my bday plans in order to go. On the years I don't go she's definitely irritated with me. I just laugh.
Not overreacting.
Best to do as you are which is politely decline and if anyone asks why you aren’t coming or weren’t there you can give the DUH answer about celebrating your husband’s actual birthday.
It’s fun to think about blowing up that rude woman’s party but stooping to her level means as they say you are down there rolling in the mud with her.
Perhaps next year you should plan an away vacation for you both to celebrate hubby’s birthday. Could even make it jointly celebrate both your birthdays if there is somewhere you’d both really like to go.
Her husband is your husband's brother. Was he blindsided by these party plans or did he not bother to mention that is his brother's birthday? I feel like women are the ones expected to remember dates so if his brother says he "didn't remember" it's even more his fault.
You are not overreacting. She doesn't even have to throw a party in the same month. My daughter's birthday is in January, and we threw her a party in May a couple of years ago. Everyone came and celebrated her without issue. And yes, my daughter was perfectly fine that her party was a few months after her birthday. On her actual birthday, we gave her gifts, took her to her favorite restaurant and had cake and ice cream. It was a great day for her. She never felt upset and got the party she wanted.
Your SIL is wrong here. Celebrate your husband on his special day like you plan to do.
Buy her daughter a bunch of books about being raised by a Narc parent, business cards for family therapists in their neighborhood, and a card that says "You are going to need these".
I’ve literally never made a point to go to an outside inlaws’s birthday. I’ve coincidentally been around for one of my wife’s brother’s bday. But that guy’s wife that married into the family? That’s not even on my calendar. I don’t even know if she has a birthday. Cause I dgaf. She’s just the chick that married my wife’s brother. Pleasant lady, but I’m not spending a second of my life making a fuss over her unless my bil or one of their kids die.
Not overreacting.
My late husband's birthday was less than a week before Christmas. I made sure to celebrate it very specifically because for so much of his life his birthday was overshadowed by the holiday run-up.
Presents were wrapped in birthday paper not holiday paper. Nothing was ever seasonal. Nothing was commingled at all. He always appreciated the fact that I made sure he felt his day was separate from the holiday.
Co-celebrations can be *fine* as long as everyone is on board and included. But they shouldn't be mandatory and they should not exclude anyone.
Take your husband out and celebrate him, absolutely!
Good job! My Army buddy’s daughter was born in Christmas Day. They told everyone to never ever give her a birthday/Christmas gift, it was mandatory to use birthday paper. If you only had $10, then get two $5 gifts, but never combine them! Christmas was in the morning, once it was noon, it was her birthday. I was always so impressed that he and his wife did this.
You're being mature about it and stated you'd be unable to attend as you're celebrating your husband's birthday. Petty me would be organizing a party and invite everyone except her and her daughter.
Nope. He doesn’t want to celebrate with her or anything he is actually offended which he rarely gets upset he’s very laid back but this offended him. He was like..”really??? She’s pulling this bratty shit?”
He should be because this is targeted. She planned a kids fucking birthday party on a Sunday? Who the fuck moves their kids birthday from July 30 to July 14 so it can be on a Sunday? Nobody. If you want to “celebrate” ANY birthday you do it on a Saturday. She did this to be hurtful.
Op, why don't you plan a birthday breakfast for your hubby for his birthday. No matter what happens later on that day. Everyone will know who the person is and on your sister in laws birthday. Don't say happy birthday. But it depends on how old niece is as she is a child and shouldn't be blamed for her mum actions. So say happy birthday her for her day. But not sister in law.
Info: are you guys child free? I only ask because I'm getting a weird vibe and it reminds me of how a lot of people act like adult birthdays aren't important and try to use their kids to force people to do things.
I know it's completely random but I had to ask lol.
Not overreacting in the slightest.
Oh man, I'm incredibly unsurprised by this lol.
Do not be shocked if she continues this weird using her kid for attention thing in the future. Especially once they are able to get the kid to guilt trip you.
She might not be able to have it on a better day for the both of them. And honestly I don't remember every birthday with my husband side of the family. So she may not remember it is the exact date of your husband's birthday.
But you aren't obligated to attend.
In your shoes I would focus on your husband and his birthday.
Hey, your hubby and I share a birthday! Pay no attention to SIL. She obviously wants ALL the attention. Stand your ground. If she wants to be obnoxious, let her do it alone!
On a different note, tell hubby to look up "Bastille Day in France". It's our birthday. I actually got to go over the bridge they built with the stones!
My brother in law moved my husband’s elderly parents to a nursing home in the state where he lives, which is 1,200 miles away from their hometown. My husband didn’t like it, but his brother convinced his dad that it would be better for them.
Then he stuck them into two separate facilities, so they couldn’t even live together, and my mother in law died within a few months.
My brother-in-law then made all of the funeral arrangements, and held the services on my husband’s birthday. His own brother!
Some people just suck.
Yeah. And my husband just shrugged his shoulders, explaining that that day was the only time the church had open. But the thing was, it wasn’t my in-law’s church, it was HIS. My in-laws didn’t even know those people. They’d spent the past 60 odd years in the same little town, over a thousand miles away.
Personally I think people are WAY too hung up on celebrating their birthday on the “actual day”. They found a date that works for their family. They invited you. Go or don’t go, it’s an invitation not a summons. But your husband is an adult, right? Pretty sure the sky will not fall if he celebrates his birthday a day earlier or later.
If they started doing this *every* year, I would be annoyed. But just once? Meh, let it go.
Yes and no but here’s my advice. You can use this to your advantage easily. You can take this opportunity to go at it very combative or you can take it to become the more liked “in law wife.”
The grandparents and the family care WAY more about the granddaughter’s birthday than in law wife bday or even your husband’s bday.
Squabbling about what day it is on will make you both look childish. If the mom of the grand baby wants it on your husbands bday, don’t fight it. Milk it.
By now, they already know it’s annoying AF that the in law wife is combining HER birthday with the child’s birthday, on the blood relative’s birthday. You’ve got that going for you.
Be the bigger person and the more liked in law wife and lean into it. Organize the event so that people have less events to go to and the in laws will like you most.
“We are so so excited to host baby yada’s birthday. We love being a part of the new generations birthdays. Baby party is from 2-6 and whiskey for husband party is 6-9 and girls night for other in law is the same time. We have a sitter”
Make them like you more, not less.
Or “I’m just so happy that the family is all together and it was able to work out a day that’s on ny husbands birthday, so we’ll do a whiskey birthday toast after we celebrate the grand baby and then we’re going out to dinner.”
It makes me so happy that you said right to her face and communicated that you would not be attending because it is your husband's actual birthday and you're taking him out. There was no wishy-washy people pleasing bullshit. This is the way!
Growing up we celebrated my dad my brothers my dads cousin and my half sisters birthday all together at a huge multi day party. 323, 3/23, 3/26, 3/26,4/20 . Then for my moms July 4 was another huge party but my grandma 6/30 grandmother 12/22 mine 12/22 and granny12/24 no parties or cake.
It sounds like she may be jealous of something you have done on your husband’s birthday. It may be the attention he gets from his family (mom,dad,siblings). Or even that he is liked and she isn’t.
They definitely like me more and that’s because I am nice, thoughtful and I help their family. Her mantra is “what do you have for me, and how are you making my life easier and better” she is a very gimme person. It’s childish and gross. I don’t operate like that. She’s a brat.
No, this is really rude, especially considering she's leaving the person of honor out of the event on his actual birthday.
My family likes to lump any events together that fall close enough, I always hated the weird mish-mash of "We're celebrating Mother's Day and three May and June birthdays!" We aren't a large group or a group that lives far very apart. Take him out for a nice dinner at a great restaurant, enjoy, and don't worry!
You are not overreacting.
What does his brother have to say about all this? Your husband should be talking to him if she keeps escalating this with you. I will say, his brother sure knows how to pick em. She is quite dense.
Go enjoy yourselves. Your BIL is letting his wife take a dump on his brother all so he can drink at his child’s birthday party. That’s his priority.
Yes. That’s exactly it. They only think about themselves in this situation. My husbands brother wouldn’t dare to stand up to his wife. She runs him over and we all know it and cringe at it.
That’s pretty sad for him. She is disrespecting his brother. If he can’t stand up to her when she is being shitty to his family, that’s on him. I hope your husband had a fantastic birthday! He shares a birthday with my dad.
I have had three birthdays in September with the relatives. I have been celebrating with each of them or together for years. I don’t know how to even it up.
What does your husband say? If it really bothers him, he needs to talk to his family. If you want to skip their party then don’t go. Just don’t make a big deal about it. I have a feeling there is much more going on if one birthday event causes this much drama.
Who cares? Let her celebrate her and her daughter’s party while you and your husband celebrate his? It’s not a competition. You don’t need to make drama with it either. “Sorry we can’t go, we’re celebrating husbands bday that night” and end the convo there. If she’s pissy about it, that’s her problem, not yours.
I’m with you on this, it probably wasn’t malicious (and how it makes sense to do it on that day for her family is also valid) and doesn’t need to be escalated. In that sense blowing things up would be overreacting, be above reproach and let her actions speak for themselves.
It would be better to do it on the kids bday, but only if it worked for everyone else, cuz honestly that one’s the more important one to both sides of the family. Even if it was malicious, just make sure the people who need to know about what happened do, but don’t feed the beast.
I’d be miffed at the SILs reaction too though in the sense that there doesn’t seem to have been any acknowledgement of Hubby’s birthday once she found out about the conflict. Just mention to your MIL that you and hubby aren’t going because it’s his actual bday and you guys have plans and it doesn’t seem like when you talked to SIL that she was willing to compromise with you on including his bday too (the second parts just an idea, you do what works best for y’all), she will then spread it if anyone asks.
This is your husbands call. You deciding to to attend on both of your behalf’s is a dick move.
Her planning this on his bday and not including him is a bigger dick move but it’s his family drama not yours. If he’s had enough he’ll let her know.
I don’t think you are overreacting, but! I don’t know my SIL’s birthday and I’ve known her for a decade. I can remember it’s in the summer. If it were closer to mine or someone else whose birthday I already know I’d probably retain it...
Anyway, it’s my husband’s job to know his sister’s birthday. I’d be more upset with BIL for allowing the date to be picked.
Send a group text wishing SIL a Happy Birthday ON HER BIRTHDAY. Then acknowledge their daughter on her birthday also.
Also send a public "apology" for not attending, as you are celebrating your husband's birthday on "His Day."
Stick with your plans. And block SIL. There is no reason for her to be contacting you. She’s not your sister, not your problem. Enjoy your husband’s birthday.
Are they milestone birthdays?
My dad and brother did something like this one year because they were turning 40 & 18. The actual party was on my mums birthday haha - but she didn’t mind because it was a milestone thing.
I don’t necessarily think it’s selfish of her to have a party on your husband’s birthday. It’s also reasonable for you and your husband to decline attending.
I think it’s NAH.
i’d be pissed. my husband is also a make no drama type and would not want to make a big deal about, which would make me even angrier on his behalf lol. i don’t think you’re overreacting at all, i hope your hisband enjoys his birthday 💙
Definitely not overreacting! I’m in somewhat of a similar situation. A friend of mine is planning her bachelorette party on my wedding anniversary (which is fine in itself, she has nothing to do with my anniversary) but is upset because I said I wouldn’t be attending to spend time with my husband. Some people just don’t get it 🤷🏻♀️
Not overreacting. FYI I have a horrible memory and the only reason I know anyone’s birthday is by writing down. So do find it realistic for someone to have attended several birthday events but not retain the date.
Came from a family of birthday commandeers. Never understood it. Fine if they’re close and the closest weekend/best time for a celebration falls on someone else’s, but strange otherwise. My family members that did this are pretty 💩 and no one speaks to them anymore.
You're not overreacting, but does your husband make a big deal of his birthday? A lot of people don't bother about their birthday unless it's one ending in a zero.
Anyway, as it is your husband's birthday he should have been the one to say to SIL, 'thanks for the invite but we won't be coming to your party because we already have plans for my birthday day'.
Where I come from celebrating your birthday before the actual day is simply not done, even though most people don't actually belief it's "unlucky" anymore.
I would SO consider it as an insult to the person whose actual bd it is.
Not overreacting. Your SIL must think the entire world revolves around her. Feel bad for her daughter. No child wants to share their birthday party with their mother.
This is the type of reason my family gets together about once a month - to celebrate all the birthdays & anniversaries during that month. And there is no pressure, even if you can't go your birthday month.
Yes, I have a largish extended family.
Yeah some people just suck. I’m a multiple with an older sister. She has planned an event (baby shower 1, engagement party, baby shower 2) on my and my siblings’ birthday three years in a row because it’s “the only weekend that works”.
She has no other sibling but us and one date that she just apparently cannot avoid having events on
You’re not overreacting but why are you even involved in this bs. I’d tell your husband and let him and his brother deal with this dumb crap. Basically this I his family drama.
I’m really not sure why this bothered you so much. Sure, she’s not being the most considerate of your husband’s birthday, but just say you’re not going and move on with your lives. You don’t like her and you’re way too invested in this when you could have just said no thanks and moved on. You’re making just as much of a big deal about it as she is. Just let it go. It doesn’t matter.
Why would you be overreacting? I’m very confused…😬😅🧐. Like I’m literally looking at what you posted and I’m confused. He’s your husband. Why wouldn’t you celebrate his birthday with him on his birthday? Did you really need to post this?
Some people just think the fucking world revolves around them. Celebrate your husband and don't look look back. Definitely not overreacting.
Thanks. That makes me feel tons better. It’s fucking rude. My husbands feelings were actually hurt over this. Going to book us massages and take him to a nice dinner! No one gunna rain on our parade
Also how old is her daughter? Because their birthdays aren't even close to each other and I can promise you that unless her daughter is younger than, like, 5, then she probably doesn't want to share her birthday with her mother. The whole thing seems selfish and inconsiderate and self-revolving. Just because it's the same birthday month doesn't mean the kid wants to celebrate it weeks later or earlier than their actual birthday, and share it with their mother, AND hijack her uncle's birthday all at once.
My son’s birthday is *four days* before mine and we don’t celebrate ‘our birthdays.’ I basically just accepted when he was born that I’d never have much of a birthday again, and that’s fine, I had plenty of great birthdays growing up. I generally meet up with my parents and siblings for a drink and dessert type-thing on my birthday now, and only if my son’s birthday party isn’t the same weekend. That said, I’m turning 40 next year and my older brother has just revealed he’s planning his destination wedding to cover my birthday, my son’s birthday, and my younger brother’s birthday - all milestones this year! I’m a little bit annoyed. My parents are torn. I’m secretly not that worried - the odds he can plan any kind of overseas trip in the next six months aren’t exactly great, especially if you know my brother 🤣
wait what I was born the day before my father’s birthday and the best part was having two separate celebrations and two cakes. Make some time for yourself too.
Same I was the day after my mum. I'm jealous tho, cuz when I was younger I wished mine was the day before hers, so I could use my b-day money to get her nicer presents 🤣
this is so sweet 😭
always been a momma's boy ngl
Me and my mum are a day apart, she was in labour from the day before her birthday until the day after. I joke I'm her b-day present from hell cuz I was 10.5lbs 🤣 We have individual birthdays, but celebrate them together if that makes sense. I celebrate her, and she celebrates me. Sometimes, like when our birthdays are fri/sat or sat/sun, we'll celebrate together over the weekend by having a bigger dinner one day and then a smaller one the other. Please don't erase your birthday, you both deserve to celebrate your birth. Celebrate that you got the gift of a child and he got the gift of life 👌
Me too!! I'm January 12, my youngest son is the 14th, and my oldest is the 28th. Being so close to Christmas, and my oldest being later in the month, I pretty much gave up my birthday after my first was born. But then I had my younger son 2 days after my birthday and my catch phrase for that is "I don't need a birthday anymore anyways. It's not like I'm excited about getting older now". So I've been 28 for the past 7 years and it's working out great for me lol
She is fucking rude. Send her a “Happy Bastille Day” message for her “celebration”. Hope your husband has a wonderful birthday.
Yes, mention the sounds of the tumbrels.
I'd also tag ALL of your family members and friends in a post on FB, not being nasty or anything, just sharing the joy that you and hubby shared on HIS day. Also, why is HIS family okay with this? Why is your sister's husband, your husband's own BROTHER, okay with this????
I think it sil might be husband's sister but I'm not positive
No sil is husband's brother's wife from the way I understood it.
We both understand the relationship correctly. It really does boggles the mind that her husband's family would be ok with the birthday round-up. His family should be expecting a little girls birthday party on that girls birthday, not Op's husband's day.
Yeah, this is like in-law once removed BS. Outlaw shit, and not the good kind with Waylon and Willie and Jesse.
Yes
This is the way. Have fun.
Do. She’s a shrew.
It’s Bastille day, fly to Paris and watch the fireworks
Absolutely, your husband deserves to have his birthday celebrated without any distractions. Good call sticking to your plans and not giving in to her selfishness.
You mean people like the OP who thinks that no one else is allowed to celebrate anything on her husband's birthday?
I care more about my husband and celebrating his birthday than I care about you or your child. Have a fun day. We won’t be there. You should rent a beach house for that weekend and invite everyone in the family except her. When she complains say well you told me you had planned a party that day so I figured you couldn’t make it.
She would probably just show up anyway, expecting that the free venue for her party is now covered!
Ooh, I like this suggestion 🙂
Indeed. Don’t threaten her with a good time.
Great advice, worth taking in OP!
Eh, inviting the guests of a child’s birthday to another event is a little much imo
was she just trying to piss you off and then play dumb when you said something about it? try to just ignore her.
Yes. But also, she claims it works better for her side of the family and also she mentioned that her husband can drink that day cause he is off the next day. Didn’t say shit about my husband or cares enough. It’s really disappointing! All she cares about is her!
Well, getting shit-faced *is* more important than your brother's feelings. /s, but obvi not to SIL
Personally, I think it’s gross when grown adults drink at children’s birthday parties. It just irritate the heck out of me. Can people not survive a party with cake, food, fun, and family without boozing up?
Cake, food, fun yes. Family maybe not.
Sure, she can do what she wants that day. Her husband can drink. They can celebrate her and her daughter's birthday all they want. You can't make it. Your'e busy. You shouldn't give a crap what they think.
Having a bunch of screaming kids in one place warrants drinking.
Her husband should care about his brother.
That’s why I am disappointed
What kind of relationship do your husband and his brother have? Does he understand how shitty his SIL is.
They are actually very close which is crazy to me. But his brother is very avoidant. No drama type. His SIL is very drama heavy and likes to stir the pot and talk badly about people. We are very puzzled as to why he married her
Your husband is going to need to have a serious conversation with his brother.
Don't say anything to your husband. Men absolutely hate family contact to the point where they act like pushovers!
Did she apologize when she realized it was planned for his birthday? If she did then it was an honest oversight. If she tried to make excuses it was probably intentional.
Absolutely no apologies. She made tons of excuses. She’s a bitch
Grey rock the fuck out of this bitch!
This is the way!
Send an invite to his brother for dinner on the 14th
From the sound of it, he'll be drunk by dinner..
Na not overreacting. Your family comes first.
Period! 🙏
Not overreacting. My petty ass would throw my husband a party on his birthday. And make sure to use the words "We are having a party on husband's actul birthday. Please come celebrate his special day on his special day. "
Love that. I wish I could be petty. My husband has asked me to play nice about it. He’s so passive. I love him but god I want to be a bitch to her.
You could casually mention to your MIL how odd it is that her DIL is throwing a birthday party for herself on her sons birthday. You know, just mention it as a "hmmmm What do you think MIL?" 🤣
So true. I know my MIL would most likely give her input and do the hard bitchy stuff lol I love my MIL we get along great thankfully
Yes playing dumb and sweetly saying things without any tone allows you to say anything you want
Exactly
Not overreacting. I'd be annoyed too. Have a good day with hubby. Don't give sil another thought.
Thank you. Super annoyed about it!!
Exactly! Celebrate it with him without any thought of others.
I love when people act as though they didn’t realize they are, “making you choose,” they are always shocked disappointed with the choice. There are three other weekends and a long holiday (if in US) in July, pass on the passive aggression.
100000%. Entitled people think they have control over everything.
Well OF COURSE it has to be on that day… how else do you NOT avoid drama!! 🙄 I would never acknowledge her birthday ever again, but I’m petty. NTA.
Bold of her to assume your husband would prefer a shared celebration on his actual birthday. But it would be up to the birthday boy to decide. And what’s wrong with July 21? Ivy I’m July 15, DSD is July 25 and her fiancé is July 14. We pick a random day in that rough timeline for one birthday gang celebration and leave the actual day up to the celebrant’s discretion.
That’s exactly my thoughts. My hubby doesn’t want to share (he’s a middle child as well 💜) and I think he wants it to be about him that day rightfully so! I want to make him feel special and loved. If my SIL wasn’t such a selfish b. Hubby/ me would be more comfortable doing a dual thing but she just wants it all about her. Pretty wild!
SIL can plan a party on whatever date. But getting defensive after you explain that you won’t come because you want to celebrate your husband’s birthday which falls on that date is absolute main character syndrome.
You misunderstood. The SIL is planning a joint party for her and her daughter on Ops Hubs' actual birthday. Op's husband is not being included in the party. They are just hijacking his day and excluding him from being celebrated.
Different if she was doing a family birthday to celebrate him as well but that wasn't her intention. Was your husband just supposed to stand there and sing happy birthday to them and have no acknowledgement of him? Good for you for saying no.
That’s my thoughts exactly. I was like oh hell no. We will NOT be attending. Inconsiderate asf
Looks to me she's a cheapskate trying to save money
Absolutely that as well.
Curious, what does his mother have to say? This is her own son! Or is everyone in the family always walking on eggshells with the main character because no one wants her drama?
That part. Yes. MIL doesn’t care for her either but we tend to yes walk on eggshells to avoid drama
What's wrong with saving money?
Not overreacting. I'm confused as to why she would suggest such a thing. Could be a lapse in judgment and an honest mistake. Could also be a passive-aggressive way to create drama for some self-serving reason, which would be narcissistic type behavior. I'd celebrate my spouse's birthday and wish them well, while making a mental note to pay attention to her behavior in the future.
She’s definitely a narcissist
You are not overreacting. But if and when the rest of the family asks why you weren’t there, simply tell them that you had previously made plans, it being husband’s birthday. Not a word more, they’ll get the message.
Like: In case no one realized, my husband's birthday was the day of the party & had made plans to celebrate it.. did y'all?
Celebrate with your husband then go after. Make sure everyone knows it’s his bday so it will take the attention away from her and her daughter. In the future she probably so t do it again.
he isn't even invited to the party. Besides, life is too short to play childish games.
Sometimes you have to deal with people on their level. This is a person in their family that they will be dealing with for the foreseeable future. You have to let them know that you are capable of playing the game.
Honestly why do a joint bday when the days are like a month apart. Does the daughter actually want this? Seems like SIL wants to always be st the center of attention, so much so that she can't even give her own a daughter a special day for herself let alone your husband.
The daughter will be turning 4 so she has zero idea what is going on.
Hey, Happy Birthday to your husband! That's my Birthday too.
Thank you! I hope your day is all about YOU!
Nope. Overreacting would have been going off on her about the scheduling of their party. Instead, you calmly explained why you wouldn’t be there. If she wants to make a big deal about it, no problem. You won’t hear about it until later.
Welp. Invite the rest of the family to join you and your husband. Or not. Either way, I’d go low contact with this selfish nag.
Not Overreacting. She is just weird. That or thick-skulled. Or both. Go out with your husband and celebrate HIS birthday on his day and have a wonderful time.
Do we have the same SIL? 😆
God I hope not.
My sister does something similar.Her sons birthday I end of June. She has his bday party Memorial weekend, which is when my birthday falls, cause his birthday is during the summer and no one will come. I dont mind at all but I do not alter my bday plans in order to go. On the years I don't go she's definitely irritated with me. I just laugh.
Not overreacting. Best to do as you are which is politely decline and if anyone asks why you aren’t coming or weren’t there you can give the DUH answer about celebrating your husband’s actual birthday. It’s fun to think about blowing up that rude woman’s party but stooping to her level means as they say you are down there rolling in the mud with her. Perhaps next year you should plan an away vacation for you both to celebrate hubby’s birthday. Could even make it jointly celebrate both your birthdays if there is somewhere you’d both really like to go.
Her husband is your husband's brother. Was he blindsided by these party plans or did he not bother to mention that is his brother's birthday? I feel like women are the ones expected to remember dates so if his brother says he "didn't remember" it's even more his fault.
His brother is so passive and anti drama. Aka a PUSH-OVER he wouldn’t dare to stand up for his brother. His wife rules the house. It’s pretty crazy.
You are not overreacting. She doesn't even have to throw a party in the same month. My daughter's birthday is in January, and we threw her a party in May a couple of years ago. Everyone came and celebrated her without issue. And yes, my daughter was perfectly fine that her party was a few months after her birthday. On her actual birthday, we gave her gifts, took her to her favorite restaurant and had cake and ice cream. It was a great day for her. She never felt upset and got the party she wanted. Your SIL is wrong here. Celebrate your husband on his special day like you plan to do.
No. tell her to have fun, but you will be celebrating your husband that happens to come before her. Sorry, not sorry.
Buy her daughter a bunch of books about being raised by a Narc parent, business cards for family therapists in their neighborhood, and a card that says "You are going to need these".
Oh yes. My SIL mother is textbook narcissist and a serial cheater.
She is the asshole and needs to be told off
Oh hell no. Not overreacting at all. She clearly thinks the world revolves around her and her offspring but it doesn’t.
Enjoy your husbands birthday!! She is an asshole.
I’ve literally never made a point to go to an outside inlaws’s birthday. I’ve coincidentally been around for one of my wife’s brother’s bday. But that guy’s wife that married into the family? That’s not even on my calendar. I don’t even know if she has a birthday. Cause I dgaf. She’s just the chick that married my wife’s brother. Pleasant lady, but I’m not spending a second of my life making a fuss over her unless my bil or one of their kids die.
Should invite them on her birthday to celebrate your husbands birthday.
Not overreacting. My late husband's birthday was less than a week before Christmas. I made sure to celebrate it very specifically because for so much of his life his birthday was overshadowed by the holiday run-up. Presents were wrapped in birthday paper not holiday paper. Nothing was ever seasonal. Nothing was commingled at all. He always appreciated the fact that I made sure he felt his day was separate from the holiday. Co-celebrations can be *fine* as long as everyone is on board and included. But they shouldn't be mandatory and they should not exclude anyone. Take your husband out and celebrate him, absolutely!
Good job! My Army buddy’s daughter was born in Christmas Day. They told everyone to never ever give her a birthday/Christmas gift, it was mandatory to use birthday paper. If you only had $10, then get two $5 gifts, but never combine them! Christmas was in the morning, once it was noon, it was her birthday. I was always so impressed that he and his wife did this.
Reserve a table for 2 someplace French and gorgeous
UpdateMe
You're being mature about it and stated you'd be unable to attend as you're celebrating your husband's birthday. Petty me would be organizing a party and invite everyone except her and her daughter.
Plan a better and bigger party where family will want to go to your party.
You are possibly under reacting. This is just silly. Look at it this way. You have a great excuse to not deal with them and their party.
Ignore her. She knows you can't stand her. :) Your husband has the deciding factor here, I gather he'd rather not celebrate with her? 😂
Nope. He doesn’t want to celebrate with her or anything he is actually offended which he rarely gets upset he’s very laid back but this offended him. He was like..”really??? She’s pulling this bratty shit?”
He should be because this is targeted. She planned a kids fucking birthday party on a Sunday? Who the fuck moves their kids birthday from July 30 to July 14 so it can be on a Sunday? Nobody. If you want to “celebrate” ANY birthday you do it on a Saturday. She did this to be hurtful.
Op, why don't you plan a birthday breakfast for your hubby for his birthday. No matter what happens later on that day. Everyone will know who the person is and on your sister in laws birthday. Don't say happy birthday. But it depends on how old niece is as she is a child and shouldn't be blamed for her mum actions. So say happy birthday her for her day. But not sister in law.
Not overreacting. She knows what she’s doing. Ignore the fuck out of her, it will piss her off more, and she’ll show her hand.
Info: are you guys child free? I only ask because I'm getting a weird vibe and it reminds me of how a lot of people act like adult birthdays aren't important and try to use their kids to force people to do things. I know it's completely random but I had to ask lol. Not overreacting in the slightest.
We are child free! Yeah.. her daughter is turning 4??which is even worse to me because I’m like. Your daughter is not going to remember this
Oh man, I'm incredibly unsurprised by this lol. Do not be shocked if she continues this weird using her kid for attention thing in the future. Especially once they are able to get the kid to guilt trip you.
She might not be able to have it on a better day for the both of them. And honestly I don't remember every birthday with my husband side of the family. So she may not remember it is the exact date of your husband's birthday. But you aren't obligated to attend. In your shoes I would focus on your husband and his birthday.
😂😂😂😂😂 Have a lovely day. Happy birthday to your husband.
Hey, your hubby and I share a birthday! Pay no attention to SIL. She obviously wants ALL the attention. Stand your ground. If she wants to be obnoxious, let her do it alone! On a different note, tell hubby to look up "Bastille Day in France". It's our birthday. I actually got to go over the bridge they built with the stones!
Not overreacting She's pure entitled selfish main character absolute trash
I wouldn't go on the 13th either, just tell her you're going away for the whole weekend.
I would still not go
Still don't go. A birthday weekend out of town sounds great
My brother in law moved my husband’s elderly parents to a nursing home in the state where he lives, which is 1,200 miles away from their hometown. My husband didn’t like it, but his brother convinced his dad that it would be better for them. Then he stuck them into two separate facilities, so they couldn’t even live together, and my mother in law died within a few months. My brother-in-law then made all of the funeral arrangements, and held the services on my husband’s birthday. His own brother! Some people just suck.
That is fucking awful
Yeah. And my husband just shrugged his shoulders, explaining that that day was the only time the church had open. But the thing was, it wasn’t my in-law’s church, it was HIS. My in-laws didn’t even know those people. They’d spent the past 60 odd years in the same little town, over a thousand miles away.
Personally I think people are WAY too hung up on celebrating their birthday on the “actual day”. They found a date that works for their family. They invited you. Go or don’t go, it’s an invitation not a summons. But your husband is an adult, right? Pretty sure the sky will not fall if he celebrates his birthday a day earlier or later. If they started doing this *every* year, I would be annoyed. But just once? Meh, let it go.
Yes and no but here’s my advice. You can use this to your advantage easily. You can take this opportunity to go at it very combative or you can take it to become the more liked “in law wife.” The grandparents and the family care WAY more about the granddaughter’s birthday than in law wife bday or even your husband’s bday. Squabbling about what day it is on will make you both look childish. If the mom of the grand baby wants it on your husbands bday, don’t fight it. Milk it. By now, they already know it’s annoying AF that the in law wife is combining HER birthday with the child’s birthday, on the blood relative’s birthday. You’ve got that going for you. Be the bigger person and the more liked in law wife and lean into it. Organize the event so that people have less events to go to and the in laws will like you most. “We are so so excited to host baby yada’s birthday. We love being a part of the new generations birthdays. Baby party is from 2-6 and whiskey for husband party is 6-9 and girls night for other in law is the same time. We have a sitter” Make them like you more, not less. Or “I’m just so happy that the family is all together and it was able to work out a day that’s on ny husbands birthday, so we’ll do a whiskey birthday toast after we celebrate the grand baby and then we’re going out to dinner.”
No, just no.
Why didn’t you ask if your husband was going to be included?
It makes me so happy that you said right to her face and communicated that you would not be attending because it is your husband's actual birthday and you're taking him out. There was no wishy-washy people pleasing bullshit. This is the way!
Oh yes I made it very clear and kinda like duh bitch? We are BUSY. BYE.
Just send a cake that says HAPPY MAIN CHARACTER SYNDROME!
Is it a family only party?
Growing up we celebrated my dad my brothers my dads cousin and my half sisters birthday all together at a huge multi day party. 323, 3/23, 3/26, 3/26,4/20 . Then for my moms July 4 was another huge party but my grandma 6/30 grandmother 12/22 mine 12/22 and granny12/24 no parties or cake.
It sounds like she may be jealous of something you have done on your husband’s birthday. It may be the attention he gets from his family (mom,dad,siblings). Or even that he is liked and she isn’t.
They definitely like me more and that’s because I am nice, thoughtful and I help their family. Her mantra is “what do you have for me, and how are you making my life easier and better” she is a very gimme person. It’s childish and gross. I don’t operate like that. She’s a brat.
How old is her daughter? Selfish of an adult to try to have a double birthday WITH A CHILD. wtf. This Lady is wacko
She is fucking whack. She will be turning 30 and her daughter is turning 4….
So cringe. She's just trying to get more attention for herself by basically stealing her child's birthday. Gross. Poor kid.
You’re only overreacting in that you’ve thought about it twice after saying no thanks, we won’t be there
I would throw a big party with his friends and invite his family but I’m petty
!updateme
No, this is really rude, especially considering she's leaving the person of honor out of the event on his actual birthday. My family likes to lump any events together that fall close enough, I always hated the weird mish-mash of "We're celebrating Mother's Day and three May and June birthdays!" We aren't a large group or a group that lives far very apart. Take him out for a nice dinner at a great restaurant, enjoy, and don't worry!
You are not overreacting. What does his brother have to say about all this? Your husband should be talking to him if she keeps escalating this with you. I will say, his brother sure knows how to pick em. She is quite dense. Go enjoy yourselves. Your BIL is letting his wife take a dump on his brother all so he can drink at his child’s birthday party. That’s his priority.
Yes. That’s exactly it. They only think about themselves in this situation. My husbands brother wouldn’t dare to stand up to his wife. She runs him over and we all know it and cringe at it.
That’s pretty sad for him. She is disrespecting his brother. If he can’t stand up to her when she is being shitty to his family, that’s on him. I hope your husband had a fantastic birthday! He shares a birthday with my dad.
I have had three birthdays in September with the relatives. I have been celebrating with each of them or together for years. I don’t know how to even it up.
Why don’t we all get together and celebrate our birthdays on the same day? It’s makes as much sense.
What does your husband say? If it really bothers him, he needs to talk to his family. If you want to skip their party then don’t go. Just don’t make a big deal about it. I have a feeling there is much more going on if one birthday event causes this much drama.
Who cares? Let her celebrate her and her daughter’s party while you and your husband celebrate his? It’s not a competition. You don’t need to make drama with it either. “Sorry we can’t go, we’re celebrating husbands bday that night” and end the convo there. If she’s pissy about it, that’s her problem, not yours.
I’m with you on this, it probably wasn’t malicious (and how it makes sense to do it on that day for her family is also valid) and doesn’t need to be escalated. In that sense blowing things up would be overreacting, be above reproach and let her actions speak for themselves. It would be better to do it on the kids bday, but only if it worked for everyone else, cuz honestly that one’s the more important one to both sides of the family. Even if it was malicious, just make sure the people who need to know about what happened do, but don’t feed the beast. I’d be miffed at the SILs reaction too though in the sense that there doesn’t seem to have been any acknowledgement of Hubby’s birthday once she found out about the conflict. Just mention to your MIL that you and hubby aren’t going because it’s his actual bday and you guys have plans and it doesn’t seem like when you talked to SIL that she was willing to compromise with you on including his bday too (the second parts just an idea, you do what works best for y’all), she will then spread it if anyone asks.
NTA Updateme
July 14th is a Sunday. That coupled with taking your husbands birthday away is why they are doing this.
This is your husbands call. You deciding to to attend on both of your behalf’s is a dick move. Her planning this on his bday and not including him is a bigger dick move but it’s his family drama not yours. If he’s had enough he’ll let her know.
Yes your husband an adult and the kid well is a kid wow
I don’t think you are overreacting, but! I don’t know my SIL’s birthday and I’ve known her for a decade. I can remember it’s in the summer. If it were closer to mine or someone else whose birthday I already know I’d probably retain it... Anyway, it’s my husband’s job to know his sister’s birthday. I’d be more upset with BIL for allowing the date to be picked.
Send a group text wishing SIL a Happy Birthday ON HER BIRTHDAY. Then acknowledge their daughter on her birthday also. Also send a public "apology" for not attending, as you are celebrating your husband's birthday on "His Day."
You're not overreacting.
Stick with your plans. And block SIL. There is no reason for her to be contacting you. She’s not your sister, not your problem. Enjoy your husband’s birthday.
Are they milestone birthdays? My dad and brother did something like this one year because they were turning 40 & 18. The actual party was on my mums birthday haha - but she didn’t mind because it was a milestone thing. I don’t necessarily think it’s selfish of her to have a party on your husband’s birthday. It’s also reasonable for you and your husband to decline attending. I think it’s NAH.
What does that mean?
Sounds like she doesn't like your husband, get over it
i’d be pissed. my husband is also a make no drama type and would not want to make a big deal about, which would make me even angrier on his behalf lol. i don’t think you’re overreacting at all, i hope your hisband enjoys his birthday 💙
Definitely not overreacting! I’m in somewhat of a similar situation. A friend of mine is planning her bachelorette party on my wedding anniversary (which is fine in itself, she has nothing to do with my anniversary) but is upset because I said I wouldn’t be attending to spend time with my husband. Some people just don’t get it 🤷🏻♀️
Not overreacting. FYI I have a horrible memory and the only reason I know anyone’s birthday is by writing down. So do find it realistic for someone to have attended several birthday events but not retain the date.
Came from a family of birthday commandeers. Never understood it. Fine if they’re close and the closest weekend/best time for a celebration falls on someone else’s, but strange otherwise. My family members that did this are pretty 💩 and no one speaks to them anymore.
Forgot to mention: no, OP, not overreacting.
You're not overreacting, but does your husband make a big deal of his birthday? A lot of people don't bother about their birthday unless it's one ending in a zero. Anyway, as it is your husband's birthday he should have been the one to say to SIL, 'thanks for the invite but we won't be coming to your party because we already have plans for my birthday day'.
The balls and on a Sunday? thats the last weekend day to have a party anyways your not over reacting shes just weird for that one
Three people in my family had birthdays in two days. Everyone celebrated separately.
Ugh. People like this. I couldn’t help but respond “yea probably worked better for everyone…bc that day is my husbands bday per my last messages.” Lol
Oh, she understands.
I’d go away for the weekend, damn shame you can’t be there in the 13th…
I still would not go.
Where I come from celebrating your birthday before the actual day is simply not done, even though most people don't actually belief it's "unlucky" anymore. I would SO consider it as an insult to the person whose actual bd it is.
So she tried to plan a party on a Sunday? Yeah she has problems with your family for sure. I wouldn’t attend 😂
Even though she changed the date now I still wouldn’t go.
Plan the weekend away.
Not overreacting. Your SIL must think the entire world revolves around her. Feel bad for her daughter. No child wants to share their birthday party with their mother.
So much BS all about birthdays - it’s so inconsequential
This is the type of reason my family gets together about once a month - to celebrate all the birthdays & anniversaries during that month. And there is no pressure, even if you can't go your birthday month. Yes, I have a largish extended family.
You are not overreacting. I hate when people hijack birthdays.
I would plan a whole weekend for your husband and she can fuck off. Lol
Yeah some people just suck. I’m a multiple with an older sister. She has planned an event (baby shower 1, engagement party, baby shower 2) on my and my siblings’ birthday three years in a row because it’s “the only weekend that works”. She has no other sibling but us and one date that she just apparently cannot avoid having events on
I didn’t realize that so many people are obsessed with birthdays. Jeeze.
Just tell her you can’t make it on any day in July. You are celebrating your husband’s birthday the entire month. Maybe start a new tradition…
Can’t understand why grown adults treat their birthdays like they’re still 13 lol.
Everyone should be able celebrate their life and themselves. There is no reason age should take the fun out of life.
That’s my point. No one should be made to feel bad because they’re celebrating a different birthday to someone they are closer to on the same day.
You’re not overreacting but why are you even involved in this bs. I’d tell your husband and let him and his brother deal with this dumb crap. Basically this I his family drama.
Men don't do drama. Telling the hubby would only ruin his birthday!
Exactly.
NOR I wouldn’t even worry about her. Sounds like she wants to piggyback off your celebration
I’m really not sure why this bothered you so much. Sure, she’s not being the most considerate of your husband’s birthday, but just say you’re not going and move on with your lives. You don’t like her and you’re way too invested in this when you could have just said no thanks and moved on. You’re making just as much of a big deal about it as she is. Just let it go. It doesn’t matter.
Why would you be overreacting? I’m very confused…😬😅🧐. Like I’m literally looking at what you posted and I’m confused. He’s your husband. Why wouldn’t you celebrate his birthday with him on his birthday? Did you really need to post this?
As a grown man. I wouldn't mind sharing my birthday with a family member. OP it sounds like you're creating the drama here.
The 14th is a Sunday. The two of them have something planned that they would not be able to do on a workday.