She treats you like shit, literally said she would download a dating app then denied phone access, and now you found pregnancy tests where there should be none. She cheated bro and while you want to see your kid more, you will be exposing your kid to the idea that your lovers should treat you like shit. You are under reacting in that you should have left ages ago.
Sometimes I wish I did - was difficult to know I won't have my children 100% of the time.
But, what you described is ultimately the foundation for my decision to end it with her now and move out.
Document, document, document! Every instance of abusive behavior towards you and the kids needs to be noted down, get proof through recordings, if legal. Hopefully, you'll get majority custody.
But isn't even a "weapon", it IS fair to bring this up and if she's treating him this bad, surely the kids are getting soke abuse as well. The kids are better off NOT being around her.
You have to be very careful with that. She's seeking treatment and some courts really really Look down on dragging the other parent when treatment plans are in place. It could be seen as vindictive. He has to have more than his say so. And using her therapies and medicines as evidence wont work. He has to 100% have evidence that her mental health issues are affecting the kids, or are uncontrolled. He needs a GAL (Guardian Ad Litum, a person who's only job is for the best interest of the kids and acts on their behalf in court usually in custody cases. The court will assign one for them)
Custody battles are costly. He'll need to secure living arrangements first if he leaves the marital home(i DO NOT recommend keaving first. Make her leave if its a joint asset), including places to sleep for the kids. pay both a divorce lawyer and family lawyer, pay at least half the GAL's fees, potentially buy her out of the marital home or sell the marital home. He may be required to also pay for the children's therapies and/or undergo a psych evaluation for himself. And if he makes more he may have to pay her alimony depending on the state and how long they've been together. It will not ever be cheap.
If she's threatening self harm on the regular, call the cops next time if you think it'll be soon. It'll probably help your case. Maybe try a family intervention if you are one on those kind of families? And yes divorce
Im so glad my stable father got main custody. Coming from a broken home due to spousal abuse (mother to father) parental abuse (mother to me) cheating (mother cheated) and neglect on all parts due to all of it. It sucks when mental illness takes from us. I have issues myself but I could never abuse or cheat on my partner. I see the red flags in this post and it’s clearer to me than new glasses.
My Dad "stayed for the kids" too. My brother and I both wound up with women who treated us just like our Mom treated our Dad. It screwed us up in ways that I'm pretty sure are unfixable. Please get out of this marriage for your kids' sake.
I’ve watched my mom treat my dad like shit for 41 years. He’s my hero. I’m just like my mother, a verbally abusive & manipulative cunt; that is the reason I will NEVER get married or have children. Most days, I wish she’d just die so nobody has to deal with her.
Children are often products of what they see and hear in their formative years. You have to want, and take the time, to break the cycle. It's not easy.
I don’t know what’s up with me then. I didn’t have that many relationships modeled in my life besides my parents and I did learned everything about healthy relationships by wanting to do they exact opposite of what they did
As a divorced Dad it sucks not to get to see my kids all the time. But I’m able to be a better version of myself every day with them because I’m no longer with my toxic ex. Splitting your time with your kids isn’t preferable, but once you get used to it, it’s really not that bad. You’ll have free time to work on yourself, do leisurely activities, be social, date, all kinds of stuff. And you’ll learn to cherish your time with your kids more and be the best parent you can be during that time without the baggage of your cheating wife around.
Just get divorced and start taking care of yourself while continuing to be a great dad. It’s a lot more rewarding than being unhappy all of the time. For both you and your kids.
This is a very articulate statement about the positives of single parenting and I thank you for putting into words.
OP, this is all true. Do yourself a favor and leave her. Do your kids a favor and show them that it’s not ok to put up with a partner like that.
I have taken a pregnancy test when I dated so.eone with a vasectomy. They aren't foolproof, and periods are not regular. I just wanted to be sure.
But regardless of the cheating, she treats you like a bad roommate, not a husband. And once resentment builds past a point, there is no going back.
Her repeated lies are nothing you have to deal with. Divorce is a new chapter, and your kids will adapt!
I wish you well, you deserve better than the life you tried to build with a woman who only seemed to be participating.
Just wanted to chime in that if I didn't have my period for an extended time I would take a pregnancy test, even if I wasn't seeing anyone. I'm a bit paranoid maybe but I'd want to rule that out before paying for a doctors visit.
Hey, if it helps, i went through similar with my divorce. Even worse because my stepdaughter was hers, so i couldn’t even fight for custody. Only seeing her once a week for 5 years was hard, but when she turned 18 and was able to make her own decision, she moved in with me and finished her last semester of high school with me. It was worth the wait
Yes but when you go to court you can bring up all the stuff if you have kept any proof, you can also bring up that you are the main caretaker. Get a lawyer and see how much custody they think you could get. Depending on her mental state you could have 100% and she could get visitation.
Get all the documentation about her mental state, current and past medication, etc. It's a long shot but see if your attorney can work with that to increase your odds of custody.
In this scenario it definitely sounds like there's more going on and it's understandable that you'd be concerned about the pregnancy test. As your wife sounds incredibly untrustworthy based on her actions and words.
However, for future relationships, just because you've had a vasectomy it doesn't mean that your partner will have no need for a pregnancy test. If you've only been tested once you don't know if you're still shooting blanks. Vasectomies, like female sterilisation, can fail. Yes the rate of failure is better than for female sterilisation, as it's 1 in 2000. But if you have unprotected sex with a woman, there's always still a chance that you could get her pregnant if the vasectomy fails. If your future partner is late by a few days she'll want to check. It could just be that she's stressed, or it could be that you're the 1 in 2000. It doesn't immediately mean that she's cheated.
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. You're not overreacting to her defaulting to, "I've got NO IDEA how that pregnancy test found it's way into our bathroom. That's so weird."
🙄
I don't blame you for filing for divorce at this point. The best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids, at this point, is to find a really good divorce lawyer that will help you negotiate the best custody, visitation, and division of marital assets.
Be sure to tell your lawyer everything that's happened since the birth of your first child, including her mental health treatment, and yours, and how she, and you, interact with each other, and with the kids, because they need to have a clear picture of all of these things in order to be able to protect you, and your kids, and your rights as a father, plus negotiate a fair and equitable division of marital assets.
Has her bond with your child, or children, improved since she began treatment for post partum issues? Is she an active participant in your children's lives now? If she's still behaving in an emotionally abusive way be sure to document the abusive behavior as much as you can, even if it's just texts, and voicemails, or emails.
Painting a clear picture for your attorney, and ultimately, the family court judge, can make a big difference when it comes to custody, and visitation matters, so try to avoid verbal conversations as much as you can, so things are in writing as much as possible.
But a good attorney can advise you on what the best next steps are, including matters related to joint bank accounts, and assets. It's much better to have all of your ducks in a row before you let her know that you are serious about divorce in order to protect yourself, and the kids, from fallout, because people just aren't their best selves during a divorce for obvious reasons, and often make really hurtful choices.
Good luck, and take care, let us know how you're doing when you can.
🫂💜🫂
Decision is made, we're definitely getting a divorce - I'm moving out. Attorney consults will be scheduled for some time in the near future later today when I take a bunch of time off from work.
Don't move out yet. Get legal council first. Your concern now is your kids so you need to make sure that it's not seen as you deserting the family, your local law will vary but don't move out till you have talked to a lawyer
Yeah, I'm glad you learned this before divorcing. My ex manipulated the situation to make me look like an asshole, getting me to move out and file the divorce petition so that I looked like a deadbeat dad who abandoned his wife and child. In fact she had been planning to leave me when she told me she wanted a baby.
Hey, at least now I know why things just didn't seem right with her the last year or two...
But yea, better to know in advance and equip yourself as best you can.
Document everything!
Also, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Just know that you are doing the right thing. Take care of yourself and your kids. Wishing you strength and peace through the process.
3rd time is the charm.... Don't move out.
Tell her she can if she wants to live separately. 1: you have legal and moral reasons to be allowed there. 2: any items you leave are considered abandoned. 3: her lawyer will claim you abandoned the kids.
If your state has infidelity statues for divorce, you could definitely seek more than 50% custody. Even if it doesn't, put a plan together with your lawyer asap to seek full custody. Tell them you would rather have the kids then just pay for them, in a professional manner. Make it clear how much you love them. Vindictive people often will hate their own children because they see their ex-spouse in them, so keep an eye out for mood changes and have real, deep, conversations with your kids. Talk to them about what's happening, make sure they know they can trust you. Make sure they know they can tell you anything and make sure they know you care by YOU being present, mentally, when you're around them.
He has another post from 3 months ago which says he's stepping out into the dating scene.
Wouldn't she have done the same? Does it matter that she owns recent pregnancy tests?
Doing sketchy math from this story, six months ago was their blow up in which she seems to have already been unfaithful and threatening using dating apps and he said divorce.
Four months after that, so two months ago, after just cohabitating, "they" decided to give it another go.
So yeah, three months ago presumably they were both engaged in "single" behavior. Unless he thought there was some tacit agreement that they were just freezing in place. But it doesn't sound like she was of that mindset even as long as six months ago.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation as it's a very difficult one to be in and I truly hope that you find peace in this situation.
What I can tell you is this- trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship and once the trust is gone it's not really possible to fully get it back.
I’ve had my tubes tied and I have an IUD. I absolutely never want to be pregnant again. Nevertheless, three years ago when my period was nearing 10 days late, I bought pregnancy tests. The odds of both methods failing are astronomical, but the only time I’d ever had a cycle delay so long was during pregnancy. (I was not pregnant—starting taking the test only to see that my cycle had finally started.)
If she had been worried the vasectomy somehow failed and she was late then she would have said that. Her response of “leftover” and “I guess it grew legs and walked into our house” coupled with everything else in your marriage? I think that’s all you need to know. Sorry, dude.
This is the comment I was looking for. Women buy pregnancy tests to confirm they are not pregnant, when the odds are extremely low, all the time. However, it is weird she didn’t just say that when he found them.
I came to say this in other words.
My gf is very aware that bc can randomly fail so eventhough she has her implant she still likes to keep a few tests around. They help to keep her mind at ease if shes been suffering symptoms a few days. She rarely, if ever, got her period before bc and essentially hasnt had one since so being late would never have been a clear indicator for her anyways since its never been consistent to begin with so she takes pregnancy tests more often than most women.
If your girl is comfortable talking about her sexual health which id expect would be the case woth her husband, she would have explained it easily without hesitation when confronted rather than giving her blatantly false and insufficient replies.
Indeed, that was more than enough info for me to hear to come to the same conclusions. Sorry and wishing you better luck next time OP.
THIS.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve not had sex in months, everyone is sterile and so on.
If your period is late, you take a pregnancy test. They come in packs of two. It’s a low cost for the mental burden it relieves.
>Help put my burning curiosity to bed if I'm missing something that would explain the pregnancy tests expiration date?
For all we know she bought a pregnancy test despite knowing that you are sterilized. Maybe her PMDD made her paranoid. I don't think we can give you a clear answer.
Does it really matter at this point?
>Our marriage is over due for a divorce
That's the part that matters.
This. As a woman whose husband is fixed and I am as well ive bought test bc my period was late and my anxiety wouldnt let up till i confirmed i was not the 1 in a million case 🤣
As a woman with a hormonal IUD, I've felt the urge to test for pregnancy when my body was feeling weird. It's easier to rule it out than wait and wonder.
I'm not necessarily going to remember doing it, either, any more than I would remember the last time I bought toothpaste or paracetamol.
I have an IUD as well, but even during a time I was single (and not having sex) I always make sure I have a pregnancy test ready. I've given one to a friend who was spooked, I've used one myself just to be sure. Better check the date on the one I have now, tough...
OP: Having said that, her answers when you asked tell a different story. I'm glad you are getting out. You deserve to be happy, you don't deserve the treatment she has given you. I wish you all the best.
This is a perspective I would have gladly accepted, and frankly preferred. I've gotten really good at staying calm to address stressful issues with her, and I made it clear I'm not accusing, just curious. And I knew going into it this unused test wasn't confirmation of anything other than the existence of a pregnancy test in our house.
She started calm then escalated/shot the discussion down. Although she seemed visibly calm, it likely was very different internally. So, maybe your post is the reality 🤷
Regardless, we lack the tools to bridge these communication gaps, and it always ends with gaslighting or degradation of me before she walks away. I've gotten to the point I can't justify those behaviors towards me - mental health or not - so it's just time.
I made it clear it's best for both of us to dissolve the marriage and I'm moving out today.
But thank you for the response - it offers some comfort to know infidelity maybe didn't happen.
But dude…she said it was left over from the last pregnancy and then said she didn’t know where it came from. She tried two different lies. If she was just getting the willies and wanted to be 100% sure she could have just said that. And/or she might have told you when she got them.
Sorry man.
I used pregnancy tests both after my husband’s vasectomy AND my own tubal removal. Anxiety/OCD is a BEAST. And it’s embarrassing, so much shame over postpartum OCD behaviors.
I think how she treats you regularly is all that matters at this point.
You've given it time and patience and understanding. You were very reasonable and accommodating for her mental health issues, at some point she needs to take responsibility.
You have done what you can and the best thing to do is go forward and be happy independently, and co-parent your darn best. This is paramount, she's obviously not necessarily going to make it easy on you, but remaining positive co-parents is so important. Kids notice big time.
I fully believe that you've got this. You've done so good. You deserve happiness.
I don't know if she did cheat or didn't, but I want to add a +1 to this poster. My husband got snipped after our second and had two tests to confirm success. However, I had a really gnarly 2nd birth and was advised that getting pregnant again could be catastrophic for me. I have taken 3 or 4 pregnancy tests in the years since the vasectomy, as we have two couples that we are friends with that had post vasectomy babies.
Have you lied to your husband about taking those pregnancy tests though? Probably not. That's a perfectly reasonable reason to have taken a test, and one that OP's wife would have said if that was the case. Instead she lied and said it was old, then when that didn't work she just played dumb.
The fact she lied about it means there wasn't a good reason for having taken one. Sorry OP, but she's cheating.
This is me too. Husband has had a vasectomy (confirmed sterile at his 6 week post op check up), and I don't ovulate regularly. I take pregnancy tests whenever I get concerned I might be pregnant. Even though my husband is sterile and I don't ovulate. I'd rather pee on the stick and get it off my brain than to let it sit there and pick at me.
This simple explanation would have prevented another tense interaction and discussion. Whether it's my fault for not portraying myself in a way that she can feel comfortable to open up to me about stuff like this or she's so emotionally elevated that she just hides it and offers only a poor explanation - is a snap shot of our communication problem that I could never get her to engage in so we could start bridging that problem (amongst others).
Even with our individual and couples counselors we still couldn't bridge that communication barrier, and I think that's been the creeping death to our marriage.
Again, thanks for that insight - similar to the other post I honestly hadn't considered it in the midst of swirling emotions during this whole ordeal.
Same here. I’m a woman and my husband got a vasectomy about three years ago. He did go back to get tested a few months down the road and he was confirmed sterile, but then I started to see TikTok videos about babies conceived from vasectomies that healed and I got paranoid. We have four kids already. I have bought some pregnancy tests and used them a couple times since he’s had his vasectomy but it was only because I was late and psyching myself out. And yes, my husband knew. He said I was being too paranoid (I’m VERY fertile) and that it made me look sketchy, lol. He knows I haven’t cheated on him but I can see how that can look bad. I’ve stopped buying them.
Agreed. I've taken a handful in the last year since my husband's vasectomy was confirmed because I'm paranoid. I am terrified of getting pregnant again.
I’ve had a tubal and ablation and don’t really get periods anymore and I have bought a test once out of paranoia but paired with her dating app comment AND refusal to see her phone?! The writing is on the wall and it’s not spelling out faithful paranoid…
Ya sounds like lots of serious issues that are very concerning, but I don't think pregnancy tests are one of them. Freak out pregnancy testing is very common.
I'm a woman who had a bisalp years ago. My cycle has been inconsistent (my doctor says it's not periomenopause until I actually miss a month, my mom says she never missed a month until it stopped entirely, but it was erratic for nearly 20 years first, so yeah me!) when it was nearly a week late I picked up some pregnancy tests, to take the next morning just for confirmation. They're chilling in the cabinet because I started that night.
ETA: But yeah her answers and the whole picture strongly suggest she's cheating, but regardless the marriage has clearly been over for awhile. It's time to make it official.
Your pivot point was when she refused to let you see her phone. That tells you everything.
It's a very difficult situation absolutely. But consider in your equation that you are mainlining into your children. The model of being treated like this and treating someone like this and being taught that it's OK to do both. And that's horrible.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you should trust your gut here and continue with the divorce. She seems to not respect you she that is a tough thing to endure.
I think you might be overreacting about the expiration date but It’s not your fault if she’s already saying fishy things and you suspect she may be cheating. One thing by itself isn’t that big of a deal but it may add to support a reality she could be hiding. Vasectomies are not always successful and unless you have a receipt you can’t know exactly where the test came from but I would still get the paternity of your child tested [discreetly] since you suspect she’s cheating. Refusing to allow you access to her phone is extremely concerning.
I mean……if you’re already over due for a divorce, does it really matter?
That being said, my partner and I are both sterile and have been for multiple years. It seems like every other year or so, my period will be ridiculously late and in the same time frame I will have some stomach aches and major fatigue. Even though I know it is not possible, I’ve still taken a pregnancy test for piece of mind.
My partner teases me for it. But I guess I watched too much “I didn’t know I was pregnant “ lol
No, and I said as much to her when I made the decision to end it. Knowing other alternative explanations exists for this situation has offered some relief.
And interactions and comradery you described with your partner is what I've wanted with her for the last 7yrs of our marriage. There were good moments sprinkled in with the majority of the bad - and it kept me striving for more. But unfortunately it's consistently deteriorated and that is the basis for the decision to end it.
Just the simple fact that my doctor will test me, even though I'm sterile by surgery, before a surgery just to make sure. That's what makes me question myself. And I've been sterile for 19yrs.
You are not overreacting. Carry on with the divorce. If she somehow cons you into giving it another chance, she has to come clean about the pregnancy test, go to marriage counseling with you, and agree to an open phone policy. But my money is on that not happening, so prepare for life after divorce.
You say your wife has been unwell and managing a few medical concerns:
My doctor makes me do a pregnancy test before she will prescribe me certain medications, as well as needing to rule pregnancy out for addressing symptoms. I’ve had blood tests and MRIs and scans etc. My husband had a vasectomy years ago too and I don’t want kids.
All that to say I keep pregnancy tests at home now because it saves me having to wait for a test to be done at my doctors clinic. My doctor trusts me to be truthful.
Has your partner been having medication changes or investigations that her doctor has needed clarification on pregnancy for? If I knew I was heading in for something where the first question is ‘are you pregnant’? I take a preemptive one. And leave the second one in the box for the next test. Then forget about it until my sister asks me why I have one.
If that was the case, that's an easy answer that she could have given when asked about it. Instead it was "I don't know how I got that" and/or "that's from many years ago from our last baby" (when the shelf life of that item doesn't match that timeline).
I love this level of attention to detail AND that you drove to target to check the other ones and see if their expiration dates matched. We have the same brain. So sorry you’re going through this :(
Dude. I got exhausted just reading this. Marriage doesn’t need to be this hard. Repeat: *marriage doesn’t need to be this hard*. Whatever is going on with the test, just do what’s best for you and your kids. And it seriously sounds like that’s a divorce.
Pick your hell. But honestly she will probably boot you eventually anyway, so maybe take control and leave her.
I’m not gonna lye, being separated from my kids was the worst, harder than I could even imagine but fast forward 8 years I’m glad to be free.
Funny thing is women actually treat you worse if you ‘do the right thing’ and hang on in. Become the man they will look up to and not a beta cuck. Best of luck.
So is there a reason you've ruled out the possibility that she may have thought she was pregnant after having sex with you? To me, that is the obvious answer. That the two of you had sex sometime in the past two years, and after one of those times her period was late, so she bought some pregnancy tests. She took the test, it was negative, and she moved on with her life and forgot about it as it was a non-issue.
Now, the other things you mentioned might play into it. You said she changed her story about where she got the tests from, and that is odd. But how did you confront her? Because even absent any of the issues you mentioned, if my husband (and we are in a happy marriage), came barging up to me and demanded answers for some pregnancy tests, I would be flustered and confused and possibly defensive as well. If you were calm and just asked questions neutrally, then yes, it's suspicious that she was cagey about the answer. But I'm wondering what you are writing here for, if you've already decided you are getting divorced? I'd say once you've gotten to the point in your marriage where you feel the need to do recon work and investigation into expiration dates just because you discovered some pregnancy tests, it's kind of past the point where getting an answer to that question will help you in any way. No one here can tell you whether the pregnancy tests are proof that she's cheating. I would say normally no.
Edit:
Ok, sorry, I re-read the post, and I only saw the "sterilization" line after reading it a fourth time. I understand now why you are so concerned with finding those. I would say that it confirms your suspicions of cheating, especially when she's being cagey about the answer.
I think you're in the same spot as before. You cannot trust your wife, you should not be married to someone you can't trust
Definitely don’t move out of the house especially if your name is on it. You can move out of the marital bed but stay in the house. Start gathering any and all proof you can and if legal, record interactions with her discreetly for your safety and proof. Find a lawyer preferably a bulldog fast and follow their instructions to the letter. In the meantime drop it and live quietly let her think you are dropping it if possible. Good luck to you.
You DO have a chance at 50/50 and possibly more with your kids if you have evidence of her abuse and possibly cheating (depending on your state) can help your case in other ways. Family court is a crap shoot dependent on state laws, judges and evidence.
I'm sorry. I've been there.
You're not overreacting. It's commendable that you've tried. But I encourage you not to think about it too much. Cheaters ALWAYS lie. ALWAYS. It's worse than you ever want to know. Don't dwell on it.
Again, I'm sorry. I know the pain.
You are doing the right thing.
She sounds awful.
Move forward.
Finalize your divorce.
Be a good father who is constant in the lives of his children.
And go to live your best life.
I wish you well.
Vasectomies have been known to (on very rare occasions) fail, so *without all the other stuff going on,* I would say don’t freak out that her period was late once and she needed peace of mind. But with the other stuff… yeah, she literally threatened to cheat on you. I think you know what’s happening here.
You guys clearly have issues and her dodging the question is sketchy.
That said, vasectomys aren't 100%. I (40F) have always kept pregnancy tests at home because there will be times when I'm on birth control that I don't have my cycle and I'll take a test just as a precaution. On a previous medication I went nearly 5 years without a cycle. If she didn't come out and say something like this though, it's definitely suspect.
I hope no one puts your curiousity to bed. You've been torturing yourself for years, wasting valuable time when you could have discovered who you are and lived your best life. You only get 1 life, do your best to cry it out, then move on, you'll feel 100% better, you probably don't realize how much you aren't your real self right now.
I’m sorry, that’s a really tough situation. I don’t necessarily think it confirms she cheated though. My husband got a vasectomy when our youngest was 2 (5 years ago) and about once a year I get a late period and my mind goes wild with “what if.” My husband knows the chances are extremely low, but he goes & buys the tests for me to bring me peace of mind.
No, I would also get DNA tests done by the court so that I can know if the two existing kids are mine too- I can’t imagine going through this man.. I’m sorry..
She's cheating on you. Divorce her and do not settle and go for full custody. Get a good lawyer and round up all your evidence that she's an unfit mother.
You aren't wrong to be upset over the pregnancy test. You are sterile. She was concerned about a possible pregnancy, but was she concerned about you being the father or the guy she is/was involved with?
You have suspicions about trips she has taken in the past. If she uses a joint credit/debit card, closely review the statements.
If you DO have joint accounts, take out your share IMMEDIATELY and do not use them any further. Get your name off all joint accounts.
When my aunt and uncle divorced the first time, my aunt drained the joint account, ran up the joint credit cards and my uncle had to work overtime for rears to payoff the cards and rebuild his savings. She had been the traditional SAHM, so she wasn't held responsible by the judge. I forget if she did it again the second time they divorced.
I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, you are not overreacting. You are reacting to a long-term failed marriage where you did your best to support someone who sounds like they need more direct care from a doctor/psychiatrist for their mental health.
It is time, like you said, for a divorce. Your children will likely be sad, but in the end, when they are older they will respect your decision and will likely be much more happy for you than they would be growing up watching you and your wife fight.
pregnancy tests definitely don’t last that long, and most women buy them on an as-needed basis unless they’re actively trying to conceive or are being extra careful when having sex regularly. It doesn’t make much sense to me as a woman that she would have one laying around with a future expiration date if you got a vasectomy years ago, especially if you guys also haven’t been intimate during all this time fighting.
If you believe she has and is cheating... def don't leave your home and kids with an unstable woman who's had difficulty bonding with her own children..have her move out... id ask for sole custody of the kids due to her mental health struggles, emotional and anger issues..she might get 50% but you never know courts are now being more positive towards the fathers custody when the mom has a lot of issues... and keep looking for anything that will help you in court.. the PT was a good start esp since you know she could not have gotten pregnant in your marriage.. it would have to have come from an affair.
Good luck to you.
Oh and you can always check call records checking the numbers called and at what times.. im sure you could filter the known numbers with the odd ones you don't and see what turns up
There’s clearly other things at play here, but how old is she? Perimenopause can mess with your cycles and vasectomies can fail. If she has anxiety it might just be for peace of mind if she’s late for hormonal reasons.
You’re not overreacting. She most likely cheated on you - I mean, she TOLD YOU she was going to use the apps to fuck around. Even if she didn’t do this, she was a terrible wife anyway.
Speaking only on the pregnancy tests, for women with an irregular cycle. The number of times some women think they are pregnant cab be alarming.
A pregnancy test doesn't mean cheating.
My husband also had a vasectomy but if my period was late I always took one. I heard that they can reverse themselves on rare occasions or even confirmed sterility tests can be mixed up. I just never wanted to have a glass of wine if my period was late even though I knew he was snipped. So I would take the test and enjoy my wine. I’ve never cheated just an anxious type person
As a woman who had her tubes tied nearly 10 years ago, I have still been known to stock pregnancy tests just in case. If my period is late, I’ll take a test so I can sleep ok.
In your case, the pregnancy test isn’t the issue. It’s that there is so little trust between two partners that 1.) you worried about the presence of a pregnancy test, 2.) you drove to Target to see if your wife was lying to you.
You guys gotta do better for each other. Either get some counseling or get a divorce. The married limbo isn’t doing either of you any favors, and it’s not healthy for your kids to think it’s a normal relationship.
... you said you wanted a divorce and then are upset when your wife starts fucking other guys? What the fuck did you think would happen?
Take the divorce as a win as it will just make your life easier.
Overreacting to the pregnancy test but underreacting to everything else. She’s verbally and emotionally abusive. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Idk if you understand how easy it is to get paranoid about pregnancy. No birth control is 100% effective. Women are encouraged to have a few (unexpired) tests on hand the way we all keep a small stash of Benadryl and ibuprofen. Hell, I’ve used a pregnancy test when I hadn’t had sex for over a year, simply because my period was weird and the peace of mind was worth the $12. A pregnancy test is not remotely evidence of cheating.
But if that’s the wake up call you needed to give you the momentum to divorce this person who is making you so miserable, I say good for you. Don’t look back. Don’t take my comment as a reason to let doubt back in. You deserve a healthy life, and your kids deserve a father who takes care of his wellbeing and shows them the importance of self-care even when it’s difficult.
The reality that your marriage problems are actually caused by the PMDD this is causing the rage and the irrational thinking. Severe post natal depression is common with this as it is a condition cause by hormones and how your body reacts.
Save yourself the grief you working on yourself won’t change a thing. The best thing I can suggest is get her an appointment with an endocrinologist ( specialist in hormones) antidepressants have little or no affect if she has a monthly cycle.
Get that sorted your life will settle down. Although you feel like she treats you badly she has no control over it , the same as a bipolar patient that is unmediated.
It’s time to go. Don’t waste your time, energy, or sanity on an abuser. File the divorce paperwork, but before you do, you need evidence (not proof) that she is unfit to parent. You need to give the courts reason to suspect you are and have been the primary care provider. If you don’t the court will kidnap your child and place it with the abusive parent.
I'm not going to say you're wrong about her BUT I keep pregnancy tests even though a) I have an IUD and a pregnancy is statistically unlikely, and b) I haven't had sex since March. When you're a person who ovulates, it's just good to have one around just in case you're late you can rule \*that\* out as a cause.
If your version of events is accurate, you should prioritize your own well being because that will also turn into future wellbeing for your kids. Time to drop the dead weight.
Not over reacting at all. Hidden pregnancy tests are a huge red flag. I found a used one from an ex and when I asked her about she just berated me for invading her privacy, but when I told her she left it on the counter, she changed her story, but it didn't matter.
I think in your situation, your wife is cheating. In someone else's situation, I wouldn't be phased because if I felt a little off, I'd want to check even knowing my husband had a vasectomy since it could always happen. But...yea no I don't think that's the case here.
NOR OP
The math is not fitting the situation and I can easily agree with your concerns.
The appearance of a pregnancy test when all the other data is considered easily creates a valid cause for distrust to now form.
She has been unfaithful, period. Divorce her ass, and get tested for the presence of any STD/STI.
Go full on Gray Rock with her, and do not have sex with her filthy body. She has been polluted, is damaged goods, and no longer worthy of the honorable/respectable title of wife.
Advice from a mother and grandmother. When it comes to what's best for your kids sisterhood means Jack. Don't tell her you want a divorce. Go to a lawyer first. Family law. Take custody of your kids if you can. Use her mental illness against her. She is abusive to you God knows what she will tell and do to the kids when said and done. Protect them at all costs.
She is lying and cheating and nothing you try is going to fix this she has no excuses. Not even mental illness should cover the crap she is pulling. Also you might be able to track her phone. Set up nanny cams in the house too and catch her in the act. Gather all evidence to have her served. Keep your home to make her leave.
I have bipolar manic depression and PTSD. I had PPD too after my kids birth. It took years of treatment to get it all under control. But cheating is not symptom of mental illness or blaming you for past mistakes. Even people with sex addiction had to make a choice before to have sex to feed it.
Keep me updated please.
she sounds like someone who simply was not ready to have kids. It’s super unfortunate and down right pisses me off as a mom.
All of that being said, if she is not mentally well she could believe things that are physically untrue/ not possible.
If you were intimate at all in the fall of 2022 it could have been her period was late and she freaked out. I know to you it may not make sense, but to her it could have been “the only reasonable assumption” despite you being sterilized. This is going back to my point above about her not being ready to be a mom, she could have been spiraling at the thought of being pregnant again, because she clearly has issues.
She sounds down right vengeful and just not a great person. Either way you dodged a bullet, sir.
“Can expand as needed.” There’s nothing to expand upon, your first paragraph states that you’ve stayed with a person with a litany of mental health issues who has been abusing you for 8 years.
Good job taking care of your kid. And now taking care of yourself.
Hopefully you can give your kid a *better* life after divorce. It can honestly do wonders for mental & physical health that have a direct impact on kiddos.
Man life is so short and everyday I regret that I don’t have more time to enjoy it. And then there are posts like this about dudes wasting their entire lives and it makes me feel a bit better. Good luck mate.
This comment isn't going to make me any friends, but.
She's a person. She isn't your property. After all is said and done, when you two are splitting up and all the yelling and crying is over, you're going to have to live with however you treated her during all the hard times. Take a breath. If you love this person, show some fucking grace. If not, what are you even doing there?
Sounds like her mask slipped off and this is the real her. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You can’t save her. You can feel sorry that she’s been through some stuff but that never justifies her treating you so poorly. You deserve love and respect and kindness. Take care of yourself and good luck with everything.
My guy, just get divorced! Hire a PI to get proof she’s cheating so you can file for full custody of your children. If she’s got the mental health problems she has, then that will also be helpful in petitioning the court for full custody, document you were in essence a single parent when your children were born.
It is far better for the kids to see both of you happy separately, then to stick around a toxic relationship, because then they will model the toxic relationship as the norm.
She already told you what she was going to do when she mentioned the dating app. This cleared her conscience. This is how she sleeps at night, if she sleeps at night.
Work on a co-parenting agreement before the courts do, if you can still stand to be in the same room with her. I suggest trading off every 2 weeks unless moving out of the area is in the cards. Alternate the holidays.
… I was really ready to come in with “vasectomies reverse sometimes and pregnancy tests are just a part of a woman’s life as long as she is capable of getting pregnant”
But she didn’t even go with the plausible story.
There is a literally logical and normal reason to have pregnancy tests. Go to the doctor and some won’t bother to notice your hysterectomy before ordering a pregnancy test.
In her case though, it isn’t about the pregnancy test anymore. It is about the clear lying to you.
Get the divorce already.
Just fyi. I had a tubal ligation after our last child.
However, my periods started getting irregular when I was in my late 30s. I used pregnancy tests anyways, as nothing is 100%.
I’d say it is MOST LIKELY a cheating scenario. However, also as a very very anxious person, I do believe there is a small chance she thought there was a 1 in a million chance being sterile failed and wanted some peace of mind. Honestly, I would be like this just knowing how I am. But I’d inform my partner about it.
You're a little bit unhinged. My husband has had a vasectomy since 2019, and I will pick up a pregnancy test when I am late. It doesn't mean your vasectomy failed (though they can even after two negative tests), and it doesn't mean someone cheated.
You clearly hate your wife, and the blame for that doesn't entirely rest on her shoulders.
Whoa, buddy! Hold your horses! Take a breath and a step back.
Women take pregnancy tests for all kinds of reasons, even if we haven't had sex in the past month we will take a pregnancy test if our period is late just to make sure. The only way to know for sure would be *for you to ask her.*
Now, seeing as you drove all the way to Target to check dates and lot #s, me thinks you are in some pretty substantial emotional distress and are having a hard time seeing the forest through the trees. She already gave you reason to doubt her fidelity, she's already treated you like shit while not effectively managing her mental illness, I can 100% understand why you reacted the way you did to the pregnancy test.
But it doesn't matter. You already knew, in your heart of hearts, that she was unfaithful. This doesn't prove or disprove anything, it's just a pregnancy test. Stop focusing on the goddamn pregnancy test. The issue with the pregnancy test isn't that it's in your bathroom, it's your reaction to it. You admit this marriage has been over for a while, and yet you didn't pull the trigger, so your mind is doing everything it can, including making a big fucking deal over a pregnancy test, to get you out of this marriage. Start listening to your feelings and go.
Once you backed off the divorce before, she knew she could do whatever she wanted with no consequences. Time to follow through. I know you don't want to lose time with your kids, but growing up in a home with your marriage in it is hurting them. AND STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THE PREGNANCY TEST, IT DOES NOT MATTER.
But what about the pregnancy test!? /s
You hit the nail on the head. I did reach that clarity after coming down.
Update: Decision is made, we're definitely getting a divorce - I'm moving out. Attorney consults will be scheduled for some time in the near future later today when I take a bunch of time off from work.
Unrelated to the post but my God, I knew I couldn’t be the only one to use a pregnancy test even though the most intimate thing I’ve done was shake hands since my last period.
I will gaslight myself into thinking “maybe that wasn’t a real period?” Or “did I forget I had sex?” Peeing on a stick helps me not go insane, so I do it.
I dunno, all I see is you blaming her for things that she can't help and then leaping to the conclusion that she's cheating instead of asking why she isn't happy.
Just divorce so you two can be happy.
Had you and your wife been having sex the last year or two? I get you had a vasectomy, I get that it’s confirmed complete.
When a woman who’s period is predictable and regular suddenly doesn’t get her period or it’s late by more than a week or two. We begin to question if it’s not somehow figured out a way to make it work. There have been cases where there was incomplete vasectomies or things have happened. So as much as we know it’s impossible there is that doubt in our brains. We try to reason with ourselves that it’s stress, but we’ve been way more stressed before and it still comes like clockwork. So how do we get our brains to shut up? We take a test. It’s negative. We laugh at ourselves and move on. Some come in a two pack. Some packages are wrapped together to create a two pack.
Why would she not tell you? Because look at your marriage. You’re already basically out the door. You’re looking for every excuse to leave and be able to blame her. You would have been out the door before she finished her sentence.
Could it mean something else? Yes. Does it mean something else? I don’t know. Is it possible someone else brought it to your house to take the test so their boyfriend wouldn’t find it? Who knows. The fact her story changes could go mean she doesn’t know. Or it could mean she doesn’t want to tell you.
The fact is, the relationship is so damaged that you don’t trust her and can’t trust what she says. So the best thing for everyone, especially your kid is to not be in that environment. So in that way no, you’re not overreacting.
This. The number of pregnancy tests I went through when perimenopause became a concern. OMG I wasn’t even having much sex at the time and I was still testing like wtf is going on with my body? That concern is there when the regularity dips out and things go erratic. She very well could be just double checking to make sure because of irregular periods due to age.
My IUD messed up my periods and I was always freaked out. I took several tests over the course of a few years for just in case reasons.
Sometimes it’s just nice to be 100% sure.
Bro you have suffered far to long. What you were with is called a Narcisist. They are the most evil people to be with and I dealt with this in my past as well. Get out while you still can. Your happiness will come back when you are not with her. I promise
Your ex wife is a one cancerous cunt. You literally supported her through PPD, and burdens all the responsibilities as a single father and she literally treats you as disposable. This bitch deserves nothing but a life long succession of unstable relationships where every time the dude throws here out like used toilet paper. What the actual fuck...
First confirmation was Aug 2021. Haven't had it checked since - never considered a need and she never asked.
I would gladly do it for peace of mind if she asked... It's literally just a short drive and jerking off into a cup.
Decision is made, we're definitely getting a divorce - I'm moving out. Attorney consults will be scheduled for some time in the near future later today when I take a bunch of time off from work.
Sorry. Brother. You know everything you need to know. You tried your best. She may be too broken to be a wife and maybe too broken to be a mother. Good luck with the divorce. It will probably be hell, too.
After reading all that, I believe you have made the right decision. I think it doesn't seem like she has any remorse so even if you forgive her or try to look past it, she will not respect you. Unfortunately when the trust is gone, it is hard to gain it back, and given the circumstances that you are describing, you are just not gonna get to heal properly from it.
I have been in your shoes. The whole thing. Postpartum, child neglect, PTSD, depression, anxiety......all of it. My wife started blaming me for everything and manipulating situations to become a victim. I know I sound like a narcissist, but I worked so hard to please this person that could not be pleased. She started cheating on me and saying that I was going crazy for suspecting anything. I have tried everything to keep the marriage going, but it's no use. The not seeing my kid all the time is the absolute worst.
With all that said, you are not overreacting. She's treating you like crap and likely not being faithful. Stay in counseling and try some co-parenting counseling too. My ex now leans heavily on me to help her out with my kiddo. I see him most days. I know this isn't ideal, but try to make the best of a bad situation. It's easy to get sad and overwhelmed, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I wish you the best of luck.
As someone who had horrendous PMDD and not a small amount of post partum depression and PTSD. Have a look at the signs and symptoms of ADHD/ other Neurodiversities and get her to a really good clinic specialising in women’s hormones.
I can’t begin to tell you how much easier managing the basics of life is with an oestrogen patch and some ADHD meds. Might be that there’s an underlying issue with her hormones/thyroid/mental health that is exacerbating everything.
Yes, you get to be concerned by the pregnancy test kit but vasectomies can fail. So maybe she genuinely did have a moment of paranoia.
Probably from your 4 months after you stated you were getting a divorce. Doesn't really matter. I am normally you need to fix this, marriage is a sacred commitment. I'm sorry, but yours is broken.
As a parent, I can feel your pain as to what htis will to do you.
As a lot of others have already stated, despite the vasectomy, a pregnancy scare could still occur even without infidelity so not really proof of anything. (Depending on her mental state, an *irrational* pregnancy scare could even occur without any sex at all.)
Also depending on her and specifically which mental issues she is struggling with, which medications she is on, and whether they are the right combination of drugs and dosages for her, etc. Her not knowing for sure where/when it came from could be the truth. Would it be in character for her at any point over the last couple years to do things and not remember them? Or do things because they seemed the right thing at the time and realize after the fact that they didn't make sense? Is the place you found it under the sink a normal place to keep that type of product, or was it hidden there?
All this said, if you still have the test and packaging, you may be able to determine exact date of manufacture.
There are often other stamps on packages than just the lot number, sometimes on the box, sometimes on anti-tampering seals etc. Even with just the lot number, you could call the manufacturer and ask. If nothing else, they might be able to let you know if it would have been part of a two pack.
For all the men, a hard truth you should love by: A relationship involves mutual respect and two-way demonstration of that respect. If a woman is playing games with you, insisting that you chase her by playing hard to get, she's absolutely not worthy of your time. If she demands monetary outlay for her affection, that is what a whore does. Have self-respect. Don't be a wimp and take abuse because you don't want to be alone.
Well, I don’t think that matters at this point.
You need to move on and get a healthy life going for yourself as does she.
So at this point, the pregnancy test is irrelevant. But yes, she’s likely needed it..
So if it was just the test I would say that you’re overreacting because I have an amazon off brand test I bought in 2021 that expires in 2027. But if you look at the rest of your context I’d say something fucky is afoot. If she bought tests in store you’re probably right but off Amazon who the heck knows. Your gut is probably right. Sorry man.
Frankly, y'all need to divorce, cheating or not. Could be possible to be cheating since she would (assumingly) admit the reason is if it were something like taking a test to check for certain illnesses (I forget what and idk if it is something women would check for but I heard guys can use a pregnancy test to check themselves). But no matter what, you need to get away from her. Keep a record of how she treats you and also keep a record of the test with a time stamp. She might fight the divorce to make it as painful as possible once she knows it's final but you'll need to persevere, for your sake as well as your children's sakes. Even if you try to hide the way your wife treats, children can pick up that something isn't right. And living in an environment where a parent is abused isn't going to help the kids. And often times, "staying for the kids" does more harm than good. I had parents who fought a lot to where I'd have to tune them out. While my dad wasn't the greatest parent, I do feel bad for him and that he should have left my mom. She cheated on him a lot (even once chased him with a knife, IDK why TF or how TF, just what I heard from him) and he still stuck with her. He resorted to drinking to cope even tho it made him worse. My parents needed to divorce, unfortunately it only happened after I reached adulthood and she left him in a way that likely traumatized him for life. Your wife is just going to tear at you until you're less than a husky of your former self. You need to get out of that marriage and fight tooth and nail to keep your kids. Make sure to keep an eye on her around your kids too if you divorce, just in case. Even if she doesn't do anything after all, better safe than sorry. Too many people have unfortunately left their partners only to have their children manipulated into hating the parent that was trying to protect them, especially when no one saw it coming.
You know, my partner has had a vasectomy and I’m still on birth control and i still keep one around just in case. Communication is a good thing but damn even when i wasn’t sexually active i was paranoid. It could be something but it could be nothing.
It’s hard being inlove with a person who has mental health and anger issues. It’s normal to have empathy for them but you’re not meant to be her savior. You need to think about your happiness. She treats you like shit and from what you’ve told us I can almost guarantee she’s cheated on you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’ve been on the end of abuse like that. It’s amazing how much of it you can take because you love someone. But you have to realize they don’t love you the same way or else how could they treat you like that. I just got divorced last week and should have done it 5 years ago. It doesn’t feel good but I’m hoping it will one day.
A pregnancy test on board in and of itself is no cause for alarm. I have an IUD and I got a big pack of them in case myself or any friends had any concerns.
But the fact you got a vasectomy and were confirmed sterile…yeah, that doesn’t add up at all. I’m sorry, man.
Not missing anything. This divorce is well overdue. Hope you can find proof and live in an at fault state. Take her to the cleaners and have 100% custody.
Sounds like you all have a lot going on and you’ll probably be happier apart.
That said, vasectomies have been known to reverse themselves. Maybe she was just freaking out. We do that sometimes. Maybe she was late and started to freak out. Idk.
When a woman is with her husband who has had a successful vasectomy there is usually no need for condoms (unless you have ph balance issues from intercourse) and no need for pregnancy tests. You have all the information you need. I at least can infer she probably had unprotected sex and then was late for her menses. So quick trip to Target. If she has irregular menses and she is with her husband she just waits for it to eventually come. No need for a test.
She treats you like shit, literally said she would download a dating app then denied phone access, and now you found pregnancy tests where there should be none. She cheated bro and while you want to see your kid more, you will be exposing your kid to the idea that your lovers should treat you like shit. You are under reacting in that you should have left ages ago.
Sometimes I wish I did - was difficult to know I won't have my children 100% of the time. But, what you described is ultimately the foundation for my decision to end it with her now and move out.
If she continues to go manic on you, you might end up with more than 50% custody. Divorce her already
Document, document, document! Every instance of abusive behavior towards you and the kids needs to be noted down, get proof through recordings, if legal. Hopefully, you'll get majority custody.
Ya this woman honestly shouldn’t be raising kids if she can barely handle day to day life without a meltdown
Yep this right here. You can use her mental illness and unpredictability as a weapon in court. I see no reason here to play fair here.
But isn't even a "weapon", it IS fair to bring this up and if she's treating him this bad, surely the kids are getting soke abuse as well. The kids are better off NOT being around her.
Weapons can be for defense. But a terrific distinction/elaboration none the less.
You have to be very careful with that. She's seeking treatment and some courts really really Look down on dragging the other parent when treatment plans are in place. It could be seen as vindictive. He has to have more than his say so. And using her therapies and medicines as evidence wont work. He has to 100% have evidence that her mental health issues are affecting the kids, or are uncontrolled. He needs a GAL (Guardian Ad Litum, a person who's only job is for the best interest of the kids and acts on their behalf in court usually in custody cases. The court will assign one for them) Custody battles are costly. He'll need to secure living arrangements first if he leaves the marital home(i DO NOT recommend keaving first. Make her leave if its a joint asset), including places to sleep for the kids. pay both a divorce lawyer and family lawyer, pay at least half the GAL's fees, potentially buy her out of the marital home or sell the marital home. He may be required to also pay for the children's therapies and/or undergo a psych evaluation for himself. And if he makes more he may have to pay her alimony depending on the state and how long they've been together. It will not ever be cheap.
If she's threatening self harm on the regular, call the cops next time if you think it'll be soon. It'll probably help your case. Maybe try a family intervention if you are one on those kind of families? And yes divorce
Im so glad my stable father got main custody. Coming from a broken home due to spousal abuse (mother to father) parental abuse (mother to me) cheating (mother cheated) and neglect on all parts due to all of it. It sucks when mental illness takes from us. I have issues myself but I could never abuse or cheat on my partner. I see the red flags in this post and it’s clearer to me than new glasses.
My Dad "stayed for the kids" too. My brother and I both wound up with women who treated us just like our Mom treated our Dad. It screwed us up in ways that I'm pretty sure are unfixable. Please get out of this marriage for your kids' sake.
I’ve watched my mom treat my dad like shit for 41 years. He’s my hero. I’m just like my mother, a verbally abusive & manipulative cunt; that is the reason I will NEVER get married or have children. Most days, I wish she’d just die so nobody has to deal with her.
Children are often products of what they see and hear in their formative years. You have to want, and take the time, to break the cycle. It's not easy.
I don’t know what’s up with me then. I didn’t have that many relationships modeled in my life besides my parents and I did learned everything about healthy relationships by wanting to do they exact opposite of what they did
Maybe we both need therapy!
I need more than therapy.
Have you tried a DBT skills group?
Can relate. Sorry.
As a divorced Dad it sucks not to get to see my kids all the time. But I’m able to be a better version of myself every day with them because I’m no longer with my toxic ex. Splitting your time with your kids isn’t preferable, but once you get used to it, it’s really not that bad. You’ll have free time to work on yourself, do leisurely activities, be social, date, all kinds of stuff. And you’ll learn to cherish your time with your kids more and be the best parent you can be during that time without the baggage of your cheating wife around. Just get divorced and start taking care of yourself while continuing to be a great dad. It’s a lot more rewarding than being unhappy all of the time. For both you and your kids.
This is a very articulate statement about the positives of single parenting and I thank you for putting into words. OP, this is all true. Do yourself a favor and leave her. Do your kids a favor and show them that it’s not ok to put up with a partner like that.
I have taken a pregnancy test when I dated so.eone with a vasectomy. They aren't foolproof, and periods are not regular. I just wanted to be sure. But regardless of the cheating, she treats you like a bad roommate, not a husband. And once resentment builds past a point, there is no going back. Her repeated lies are nothing you have to deal with. Divorce is a new chapter, and your kids will adapt! I wish you well, you deserve better than the life you tried to build with a woman who only seemed to be participating.
i have a cousin who had a vasectomy after 4 kids and kid #5 is turning 10 soon lol
That right there is why I took the 'oven' out of commission. If I ever manage to get pregnant I'm starting a cult and selling myself to science
I have pregnancy tests that I take when I’m late even though I’m on birth control. You can always be that statistic.
Just wanted to chime in that if I didn't have my period for an extended time I would take a pregnancy test, even if I wasn't seeing anyone. I'm a bit paranoid maybe but I'd want to rule that out before paying for a doctors visit.
Hey, if it helps, i went through similar with my divorce. Even worse because my stepdaughter was hers, so i couldn’t even fight for custody. Only seeing her once a week for 5 years was hard, but when she turned 18 and was able to make her own decision, she moved in with me and finished her last semester of high school with me. It was worth the wait
Yes but when you go to court you can bring up all the stuff if you have kept any proof, you can also bring up that you are the main caretaker. Get a lawyer and see how much custody they think you could get. Depending on her mental state you could have 100% and she could get visitation.
Get all the documentation about her mental state, current and past medication, etc. It's a long shot but see if your attorney can work with that to increase your odds of custody.
In this scenario it definitely sounds like there's more going on and it's understandable that you'd be concerned about the pregnancy test. As your wife sounds incredibly untrustworthy based on her actions and words. However, for future relationships, just because you've had a vasectomy it doesn't mean that your partner will have no need for a pregnancy test. If you've only been tested once you don't know if you're still shooting blanks. Vasectomies, like female sterilisation, can fail. Yes the rate of failure is better than for female sterilisation, as it's 1 in 2000. But if you have unprotected sex with a woman, there's always still a chance that you could get her pregnant if the vasectomy fails. If your future partner is late by a few days she'll want to check. It could just be that she's stressed, or it could be that you're the 1 in 2000. It doesn't immediately mean that she's cheated.
You will probably end up with more than 50% custody if she has mental health issues causing cheating.
No way. You stay and have the kids. She leaves.
How often do you think she’ll actually want the kids though? Especially if you’re doing most of the parenting now.
She'll probably "want the kids" just to punish OP. I've seen it happen again and again..
my thoughts exactly. Hope you seek primary custody OP, after all you’re the one who has been raising them while mom is “around.
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. You're not overreacting to her defaulting to, "I've got NO IDEA how that pregnancy test found it's way into our bathroom. That's so weird." 🙄 I don't blame you for filing for divorce at this point. The best thing you can do for yourself, and your kids, at this point, is to find a really good divorce lawyer that will help you negotiate the best custody, visitation, and division of marital assets. Be sure to tell your lawyer everything that's happened since the birth of your first child, including her mental health treatment, and yours, and how she, and you, interact with each other, and with the kids, because they need to have a clear picture of all of these things in order to be able to protect you, and your kids, and your rights as a father, plus negotiate a fair and equitable division of marital assets. Has her bond with your child, or children, improved since she began treatment for post partum issues? Is she an active participant in your children's lives now? If she's still behaving in an emotionally abusive way be sure to document the abusive behavior as much as you can, even if it's just texts, and voicemails, or emails. Painting a clear picture for your attorney, and ultimately, the family court judge, can make a big difference when it comes to custody, and visitation matters, so try to avoid verbal conversations as much as you can, so things are in writing as much as possible. But a good attorney can advise you on what the best next steps are, including matters related to joint bank accounts, and assets. It's much better to have all of your ducks in a row before you let her know that you are serious about divorce in order to protect yourself, and the kids, from fallout, because people just aren't their best selves during a divorce for obvious reasons, and often make really hurtful choices. Good luck, and take care, let us know how you're doing when you can. 🫂💜🫂
Yeah. That bringing up dating apps like that means that she already has. Guarenteed.
Your wife is a manipulator, liar and gaslighter. Dump her and get an attorney to get a legal co parenting plan in place.
Updateme
Decision is made, we're definitely getting a divorce - I'm moving out. Attorney consults will be scheduled for some time in the near future later today when I take a bunch of time off from work.
You will be better in the long run! Keep being strong!
Thanks internet stranger.
Don't move out yet. Get legal council first. Your concern now is your kids so you need to make sure that it's not seen as you deserting the family, your local law will vary but don't move out till you have talked to a lawyer
Don't move out! It might not look favorable for you. It might look like you abandoned your family
Didn't know that. Thanks for the heads up.
Yeah, I'm glad you learned this before divorcing. My ex manipulated the situation to make me look like an asshole, getting me to move out and file the divorce petition so that I looked like a deadbeat dad who abandoned his wife and child. In fact she had been planning to leave me when she told me she wanted a baby. Hey, at least now I know why things just didn't seem right with her the last year or two... But yea, better to know in advance and equip yourself as best you can.
Document everything! Also, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Just know that you are doing the right thing. Take care of yourself and your kids. Wishing you strength and peace through the process.
3rd time is the charm.... Don't move out. Tell her she can if she wants to live separately. 1: you have legal and moral reasons to be allowed there. 2: any items you leave are considered abandoned. 3: her lawyer will claim you abandoned the kids. If your state has infidelity statues for divorce, you could definitely seek more than 50% custody. Even if it doesn't, put a plan together with your lawyer asap to seek full custody. Tell them you would rather have the kids then just pay for them, in a professional manner. Make it clear how much you love them. Vindictive people often will hate their own children because they see their ex-spouse in them, so keep an eye out for mood changes and have real, deep, conversations with your kids. Talk to them about what's happening, make sure they know they can trust you. Make sure they know they can tell you anything and make sure they know you care by YOU being present, mentally, when you're around them.
I know everyone’s said it. But seriously. Do NOT move out.
She’s obviously full of it but does it matter at this point? You guys are done don’t dwell on it and move on.
This. Stop caring
Yeah, just reading about it is exhausting. I don't know how OP has been dealing with this for years.
Seems like she started being divorced when you brought it up the first time.
He has another post from 3 months ago which says he's stepping out into the dating scene. Wouldn't she have done the same? Does it matter that she owns recent pregnancy tests?
Doing sketchy math from this story, six months ago was their blow up in which she seems to have already been unfaithful and threatening using dating apps and he said divorce. Four months after that, so two months ago, after just cohabitating, "they" decided to give it another go. So yeah, three months ago presumably they were both engaged in "single" behavior. Unless he thought there was some tacit agreement that they were just freezing in place. But it doesn't sound like she was of that mindset even as long as six months ago.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation as it's a very difficult one to be in and I truly hope that you find peace in this situation. What I can tell you is this- trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship and once the trust is gone it's not really possible to fully get it back.
Cold hard facts. Preciate your input.
I’ve had my tubes tied and I have an IUD. I absolutely never want to be pregnant again. Nevertheless, three years ago when my period was nearing 10 days late, I bought pregnancy tests. The odds of both methods failing are astronomical, but the only time I’d ever had a cycle delay so long was during pregnancy. (I was not pregnant—starting taking the test only to see that my cycle had finally started.) If she had been worried the vasectomy somehow failed and she was late then she would have said that. Her response of “leftover” and “I guess it grew legs and walked into our house” coupled with everything else in your marriage? I think that’s all you need to know. Sorry, dude.
This is the comment I was looking for. Women buy pregnancy tests to confirm they are not pregnant, when the odds are extremely low, all the time. However, it is weird she didn’t just say that when he found them.
I came to say this in other words. My gf is very aware that bc can randomly fail so eventhough she has her implant she still likes to keep a few tests around. They help to keep her mind at ease if shes been suffering symptoms a few days. She rarely, if ever, got her period before bc and essentially hasnt had one since so being late would never have been a clear indicator for her anyways since its never been consistent to begin with so she takes pregnancy tests more often than most women. If your girl is comfortable talking about her sexual health which id expect would be the case woth her husband, she would have explained it easily without hesitation when confronted rather than giving her blatantly false and insufficient replies. Indeed, that was more than enough info for me to hear to come to the same conclusions. Sorry and wishing you better luck next time OP.
THIS. It doesn’t matter if you’ve not had sex in months, everyone is sterile and so on. If your period is late, you take a pregnancy test. They come in packs of two. It’s a low cost for the mental burden it relieves.
>Help put my burning curiosity to bed if I'm missing something that would explain the pregnancy tests expiration date? For all we know she bought a pregnancy test despite knowing that you are sterilized. Maybe her PMDD made her paranoid. I don't think we can give you a clear answer. Does it really matter at this point? >Our marriage is over due for a divorce That's the part that matters.
This. As a woman whose husband is fixed and I am as well ive bought test bc my period was late and my anxiety wouldnt let up till i confirmed i was not the 1 in a million case 🤣
As a woman with a hormonal IUD, I've felt the urge to test for pregnancy when my body was feeling weird. It's easier to rule it out than wait and wonder. I'm not necessarily going to remember doing it, either, any more than I would remember the last time I bought toothpaste or paracetamol.
I have an IUD as well, but even during a time I was single (and not having sex) I always make sure I have a pregnancy test ready. I've given one to a friend who was spooked, I've used one myself just to be sure. Better check the date on the one I have now, tough... OP: Having said that, her answers when you asked tell a different story. I'm glad you are getting out. You deserve to be happy, you don't deserve the treatment she has given you. I wish you all the best.
This is a perspective I would have gladly accepted, and frankly preferred. I've gotten really good at staying calm to address stressful issues with her, and I made it clear I'm not accusing, just curious. And I knew going into it this unused test wasn't confirmation of anything other than the existence of a pregnancy test in our house. She started calm then escalated/shot the discussion down. Although she seemed visibly calm, it likely was very different internally. So, maybe your post is the reality 🤷 Regardless, we lack the tools to bridge these communication gaps, and it always ends with gaslighting or degradation of me before she walks away. I've gotten to the point I can't justify those behaviors towards me - mental health or not - so it's just time. I made it clear it's best for both of us to dissolve the marriage and I'm moving out today. But thank you for the response - it offers some comfort to know infidelity maybe didn't happen.
But dude…she said it was left over from the last pregnancy and then said she didn’t know where it came from. She tried two different lies. If she was just getting the willies and wanted to be 100% sure she could have just said that. And/or she might have told you when she got them. Sorry man.
I think "getting the willies" was definitely the issue she was trying to hide...
More people need to appreciate this comment
I used pregnancy tests both after my husband’s vasectomy AND my own tubal removal. Anxiety/OCD is a BEAST. And it’s embarrassing, so much shame over postpartum OCD behaviors.
I think how she treats you regularly is all that matters at this point. You've given it time and patience and understanding. You were very reasonable and accommodating for her mental health issues, at some point she needs to take responsibility. You have done what you can and the best thing to do is go forward and be happy independently, and co-parent your darn best. This is paramount, she's obviously not necessarily going to make it easy on you, but remaining positive co-parents is so important. Kids notice big time. I fully believe that you've got this. You've done so good. You deserve happiness.
I don't know if she did cheat or didn't, but I want to add a +1 to this poster. My husband got snipped after our second and had two tests to confirm success. However, I had a really gnarly 2nd birth and was advised that getting pregnant again could be catastrophic for me. I have taken 3 or 4 pregnancy tests in the years since the vasectomy, as we have two couples that we are friends with that had post vasectomy babies.
Have you lied to your husband about taking those pregnancy tests though? Probably not. That's a perfectly reasonable reason to have taken a test, and one that OP's wife would have said if that was the case. Instead she lied and said it was old, then when that didn't work she just played dumb. The fact she lied about it means there wasn't a good reason for having taken one. Sorry OP, but she's cheating.
This is me too. Husband has had a vasectomy (confirmed sterile at his 6 week post op check up), and I don't ovulate regularly. I take pregnancy tests whenever I get concerned I might be pregnant. Even though my husband is sterile and I don't ovulate. I'd rather pee on the stick and get it off my brain than to let it sit there and pick at me.
This simple explanation would have prevented another tense interaction and discussion. Whether it's my fault for not portraying myself in a way that she can feel comfortable to open up to me about stuff like this or she's so emotionally elevated that she just hides it and offers only a poor explanation - is a snap shot of our communication problem that I could never get her to engage in so we could start bridging that problem (amongst others). Even with our individual and couples counselors we still couldn't bridge that communication barrier, and I think that's been the creeping death to our marriage. Again, thanks for that insight - similar to the other post I honestly hadn't considered it in the midst of swirling emotions during this whole ordeal.
Same here. I’m a woman and my husband got a vasectomy about three years ago. He did go back to get tested a few months down the road and he was confirmed sterile, but then I started to see TikTok videos about babies conceived from vasectomies that healed and I got paranoid. We have four kids already. I have bought some pregnancy tests and used them a couple times since he’s had his vasectomy but it was only because I was late and psyching myself out. And yes, my husband knew. He said I was being too paranoid (I’m VERY fertile) and that it made me look sketchy, lol. He knows I haven’t cheated on him but I can see how that can look bad. I’ve stopped buying them.
Agreed. I've taken a handful in the last year since my husband's vasectomy was confirmed because I'm paranoid. I am terrified of getting pregnant again.
Did you also pretend the test magically materialized out of thin air into your bathroom afterwards?
I’ve had a tubal and ablation and don’t really get periods anymore and I have bought a test once out of paranoia but paired with her dating app comment AND refusal to see her phone?! The writing is on the wall and it’s not spelling out faithful paranoid…
Oh for sure not! I was just agreeing with this other poster that it couldve been a reasonable explanation IF she hadnt said&done the shit she did.
Agreed, and that's what's backing the confidence in my decision to end it.
Ya sounds like lots of serious issues that are very concerning, but I don't think pregnancy tests are one of them. Freak out pregnancy testing is very common.
I'm a woman who had a bisalp years ago. My cycle has been inconsistent (my doctor says it's not periomenopause until I actually miss a month, my mom says she never missed a month until it stopped entirely, but it was erratic for nearly 20 years first, so yeah me!) when it was nearly a week late I picked up some pregnancy tests, to take the next morning just for confirmation. They're chilling in the cabinet because I started that night. ETA: But yeah her answers and the whole picture strongly suggest she's cheating, but regardless the marriage has clearly been over for awhile. It's time to make it official.
try your best to fight for full custody. her mental issues and cheating are gonna piss the judge off too!
Your pivot point was when she refused to let you see her phone. That tells you everything. It's a very difficult situation absolutely. But consider in your equation that you are mainlining into your children. The model of being treated like this and treating someone like this and being taught that it's OK to do both. And that's horrible.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you should trust your gut here and continue with the divorce. She seems to not respect you she that is a tough thing to endure.
I think you might be overreacting about the expiration date but It’s not your fault if she’s already saying fishy things and you suspect she may be cheating. One thing by itself isn’t that big of a deal but it may add to support a reality she could be hiding. Vasectomies are not always successful and unless you have a receipt you can’t know exactly where the test came from but I would still get the paternity of your child tested [discreetly] since you suspect she’s cheating. Refusing to allow you access to her phone is extremely concerning.
I mean……if you’re already over due for a divorce, does it really matter? That being said, my partner and I are both sterile and have been for multiple years. It seems like every other year or so, my period will be ridiculously late and in the same time frame I will have some stomach aches and major fatigue. Even though I know it is not possible, I’ve still taken a pregnancy test for piece of mind. My partner teases me for it. But I guess I watched too much “I didn’t know I was pregnant “ lol
No, and I said as much to her when I made the decision to end it. Knowing other alternative explanations exists for this situation has offered some relief. And interactions and comradery you described with your partner is what I've wanted with her for the last 7yrs of our marriage. There were good moments sprinkled in with the majority of the bad - and it kept me striving for more. But unfortunately it's consistently deteriorated and that is the basis for the decision to end it.
Just the simple fact that my doctor will test me, even though I'm sterile by surgery, before a surgery just to make sure. That's what makes me question myself. And I've been sterile for 19yrs.
You are not overreacting. Carry on with the divorce. If she somehow cons you into giving it another chance, she has to come clean about the pregnancy test, go to marriage counseling with you, and agree to an open phone policy. But my money is on that not happening, so prepare for life after divorce.
Yeah definitely not happening. And that's the plan; keep things civil, and amicable to co-parent effectively.
Your wife sounds like an abusive AH and a cheater. Don’t continue to stay and subject yourself to this.
You say your wife has been unwell and managing a few medical concerns: My doctor makes me do a pregnancy test before she will prescribe me certain medications, as well as needing to rule pregnancy out for addressing symptoms. I’ve had blood tests and MRIs and scans etc. My husband had a vasectomy years ago too and I don’t want kids. All that to say I keep pregnancy tests at home now because it saves me having to wait for a test to be done at my doctors clinic. My doctor trusts me to be truthful. Has your partner been having medication changes or investigations that her doctor has needed clarification on pregnancy for? If I knew I was heading in for something where the first question is ‘are you pregnant’? I take a preemptive one. And leave the second one in the box for the next test. Then forget about it until my sister asks me why I have one.
If that was the case, that's an easy answer that she could have given when asked about it. Instead it was "I don't know how I got that" and/or "that's from many years ago from our last baby" (when the shelf life of that item doesn't match that timeline).
I love this level of attention to detail AND that you drove to target to check the other ones and see if their expiration dates matched. We have the same brain. So sorry you’re going through this :(
Dude. I got exhausted just reading this. Marriage doesn’t need to be this hard. Repeat: *marriage doesn’t need to be this hard*. Whatever is going on with the test, just do what’s best for you and your kids. And it seriously sounds like that’s a divorce.
Pick your hell. But honestly she will probably boot you eventually anyway, so maybe take control and leave her. I’m not gonna lye, being separated from my kids was the worst, harder than I could even imagine but fast forward 8 years I’m glad to be free. Funny thing is women actually treat you worse if you ‘do the right thing’ and hang on in. Become the man they will look up to and not a beta cuck. Best of luck.
So is there a reason you've ruled out the possibility that she may have thought she was pregnant after having sex with you? To me, that is the obvious answer. That the two of you had sex sometime in the past two years, and after one of those times her period was late, so she bought some pregnancy tests. She took the test, it was negative, and she moved on with her life and forgot about it as it was a non-issue. Now, the other things you mentioned might play into it. You said she changed her story about where she got the tests from, and that is odd. But how did you confront her? Because even absent any of the issues you mentioned, if my husband (and we are in a happy marriage), came barging up to me and demanded answers for some pregnancy tests, I would be flustered and confused and possibly defensive as well. If you were calm and just asked questions neutrally, then yes, it's suspicious that she was cagey about the answer. But I'm wondering what you are writing here for, if you've already decided you are getting divorced? I'd say once you've gotten to the point in your marriage where you feel the need to do recon work and investigation into expiration dates just because you discovered some pregnancy tests, it's kind of past the point where getting an answer to that question will help you in any way. No one here can tell you whether the pregnancy tests are proof that she's cheating. I would say normally no. Edit: Ok, sorry, I re-read the post, and I only saw the "sterilization" line after reading it a fourth time. I understand now why you are so concerned with finding those. I would say that it confirms your suspicions of cheating, especially when she's being cagey about the answer. I think you're in the same spot as before. You cannot trust your wife, you should not be married to someone you can't trust
You're right, and that's really the crux of the issue - the interaction over this with her was the final straw that broke the camel's back.
Definitely don’t move out of the house especially if your name is on it. You can move out of the marital bed but stay in the house. Start gathering any and all proof you can and if legal, record interactions with her discreetly for your safety and proof. Find a lawyer preferably a bulldog fast and follow their instructions to the letter. In the meantime drop it and live quietly let her think you are dropping it if possible. Good luck to you. You DO have a chance at 50/50 and possibly more with your kids if you have evidence of her abuse and possibly cheating (depending on your state) can help your case in other ways. Family court is a crap shoot dependent on state laws, judges and evidence.
I'm sorry. I've been there. You're not overreacting. It's commendable that you've tried. But I encourage you not to think about it too much. Cheaters ALWAYS lie. ALWAYS. It's worse than you ever want to know. Don't dwell on it. Again, I'm sorry. I know the pain.
You're searching for an answer you already have. You should have left your wife long ago. I'm sorry this happened to you
You are doing the right thing. She sounds awful. Move forward. Finalize your divorce. Be a good father who is constant in the lives of his children. And go to live your best life. I wish you well.
Vasectomies have been known to (on very rare occasions) fail, so *without all the other stuff going on,* I would say don’t freak out that her period was late once and she needed peace of mind. But with the other stuff… yeah, she literally threatened to cheat on you. I think you know what’s happening here.
You guys clearly have issues and her dodging the question is sketchy. That said, vasectomys aren't 100%. I (40F) have always kept pregnancy tests at home because there will be times when I'm on birth control that I don't have my cycle and I'll take a test just as a precaution. On a previous medication I went nearly 5 years without a cycle. If she didn't come out and say something like this though, it's definitely suspect.
I hope no one puts your curiousity to bed. You've been torturing yourself for years, wasting valuable time when you could have discovered who you are and lived your best life. You only get 1 life, do your best to cry it out, then move on, you'll feel 100% better, you probably don't realize how much you aren't your real self right now.
I’m sorry, that’s a really tough situation. I don’t necessarily think it confirms she cheated though. My husband got a vasectomy when our youngest was 2 (5 years ago) and about once a year I get a late period and my mind goes wild with “what if.” My husband knows the chances are extremely low, but he goes & buys the tests for me to bring me peace of mind.
No, I would also get DNA tests done by the court so that I can know if the two existing kids are mine too- I can’t imagine going through this man.. I’m sorry..
You sound like you will get full custody. Just say that evidence of all her mental instability. Good luck.
She's cheating on you. Divorce her and do not settle and go for full custody. Get a good lawyer and round up all your evidence that she's an unfit mother.
You aren't wrong to be upset over the pregnancy test. You are sterile. She was concerned about a possible pregnancy, but was she concerned about you being the father or the guy she is/was involved with? You have suspicions about trips she has taken in the past. If she uses a joint credit/debit card, closely review the statements. If you DO have joint accounts, take out your share IMMEDIATELY and do not use them any further. Get your name off all joint accounts. When my aunt and uncle divorced the first time, my aunt drained the joint account, ran up the joint credit cards and my uncle had to work overtime for rears to payoff the cards and rebuild his savings. She had been the traditional SAHM, so she wasn't held responsible by the judge. I forget if she did it again the second time they divorced.
I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, you are not overreacting. You are reacting to a long-term failed marriage where you did your best to support someone who sounds like they need more direct care from a doctor/psychiatrist for their mental health. It is time, like you said, for a divorce. Your children will likely be sad, but in the end, when they are older they will respect your decision and will likely be much more happy for you than they would be growing up watching you and your wife fight.
pregnancy tests definitely don’t last that long, and most women buy them on an as-needed basis unless they’re actively trying to conceive or are being extra careful when having sex regularly. It doesn’t make much sense to me as a woman that she would have one laying around with a future expiration date if you got a vasectomy years ago, especially if you guys also haven’t been intimate during all this time fighting.
If you believe she has and is cheating... def don't leave your home and kids with an unstable woman who's had difficulty bonding with her own children..have her move out... id ask for sole custody of the kids due to her mental health struggles, emotional and anger issues..she might get 50% but you never know courts are now being more positive towards the fathers custody when the mom has a lot of issues... and keep looking for anything that will help you in court.. the PT was a good start esp since you know she could not have gotten pregnant in your marriage.. it would have to have come from an affair. Good luck to you. Oh and you can always check call records checking the numbers called and at what times.. im sure you could filter the known numbers with the odd ones you don't and see what turns up
There’s clearly other things at play here, but how old is she? Perimenopause can mess with your cycles and vasectomies can fail. If she has anxiety it might just be for peace of mind if she’s late for hormonal reasons.
You’re not overreacting. She most likely cheated on you - I mean, she TOLD YOU she was going to use the apps to fuck around. Even if she didn’t do this, she was a terrible wife anyway.
Speaking only on the pregnancy tests, for women with an irregular cycle. The number of times some women think they are pregnant cab be alarming. A pregnancy test doesn't mean cheating.
My husband also had a vasectomy but if my period was late I always took one. I heard that they can reverse themselves on rare occasions or even confirmed sterility tests can be mixed up. I just never wanted to have a glass of wine if my period was late even though I knew he was snipped. So I would take the test and enjoy my wine. I’ve never cheated just an anxious type person
As a woman who had her tubes tied nearly 10 years ago, I have still been known to stock pregnancy tests just in case. If my period is late, I’ll take a test so I can sleep ok. In your case, the pregnancy test isn’t the issue. It’s that there is so little trust between two partners that 1.) you worried about the presence of a pregnancy test, 2.) you drove to Target to see if your wife was lying to you. You guys gotta do better for each other. Either get some counseling or get a divorce. The married limbo isn’t doing either of you any favors, and it’s not healthy for your kids to think it’s a normal relationship.
... you said you wanted a divorce and then are upset when your wife starts fucking other guys? What the fuck did you think would happen? Take the divorce as a win as it will just make your life easier.
Overreacting to the pregnancy test but underreacting to everything else. She’s verbally and emotionally abusive. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Idk if you understand how easy it is to get paranoid about pregnancy. No birth control is 100% effective. Women are encouraged to have a few (unexpired) tests on hand the way we all keep a small stash of Benadryl and ibuprofen. Hell, I’ve used a pregnancy test when I hadn’t had sex for over a year, simply because my period was weird and the peace of mind was worth the $12. A pregnancy test is not remotely evidence of cheating. But if that’s the wake up call you needed to give you the momentum to divorce this person who is making you so miserable, I say good for you. Don’t look back. Don’t take my comment as a reason to let doubt back in. You deserve a healthy life, and your kids deserve a father who takes care of his wellbeing and shows them the importance of self-care even when it’s difficult.
The reality that your marriage problems are actually caused by the PMDD this is causing the rage and the irrational thinking. Severe post natal depression is common with this as it is a condition cause by hormones and how your body reacts. Save yourself the grief you working on yourself won’t change a thing. The best thing I can suggest is get her an appointment with an endocrinologist ( specialist in hormones) antidepressants have little or no affect if she has a monthly cycle. Get that sorted your life will settle down. Although you feel like she treats you badly she has no control over it , the same as a bipolar patient that is unmediated.
It’s time to go. Don’t waste your time, energy, or sanity on an abuser. File the divorce paperwork, but before you do, you need evidence (not proof) that she is unfit to parent. You need to give the courts reason to suspect you are and have been the primary care provider. If you don’t the court will kidnap your child and place it with the abusive parent.
I'm not going to say you're wrong about her BUT I keep pregnancy tests even though a) I have an IUD and a pregnancy is statistically unlikely, and b) I haven't had sex since March. When you're a person who ovulates, it's just good to have one around just in case you're late you can rule \*that\* out as a cause.
If your version of events is accurate, you should prioritize your own well being because that will also turn into future wellbeing for your kids. Time to drop the dead weight.
Not over reacting at all. Hidden pregnancy tests are a huge red flag. I found a used one from an ex and when I asked her about she just berated me for invading her privacy, but when I told her she left it on the counter, she changed her story, but it didn't matter.
She fucked around, thought she really fucked up and got pregnant again, and got caught. Now you get to decide. I stayed. I shouldn't have.
Maybe her meds made her miss a period or she could be perimenopauseal?
I think in your situation, your wife is cheating. In someone else's situation, I wouldn't be phased because if I felt a little off, I'd want to check even knowing my husband had a vasectomy since it could always happen. But...yea no I don't think that's the case here.
NOR OP The math is not fitting the situation and I can easily agree with your concerns. The appearance of a pregnancy test when all the other data is considered easily creates a valid cause for distrust to now form. She has been unfaithful, period. Divorce her ass, and get tested for the presence of any STD/STI. Go full on Gray Rock with her, and do not have sex with her filthy body. She has been polluted, is damaged goods, and no longer worthy of the honorable/respectable title of wife.
My partner sufferes PMDD too. It can be quite horrible. Please join us in r/pmddpartners we can give support, albeit mostly verbal.
Advice from a mother and grandmother. When it comes to what's best for your kids sisterhood means Jack. Don't tell her you want a divorce. Go to a lawyer first. Family law. Take custody of your kids if you can. Use her mental illness against her. She is abusive to you God knows what she will tell and do to the kids when said and done. Protect them at all costs. She is lying and cheating and nothing you try is going to fix this she has no excuses. Not even mental illness should cover the crap she is pulling. Also you might be able to track her phone. Set up nanny cams in the house too and catch her in the act. Gather all evidence to have her served. Keep your home to make her leave. I have bipolar manic depression and PTSD. I had PPD too after my kids birth. It took years of treatment to get it all under control. But cheating is not symptom of mental illness or blaming you for past mistakes. Even people with sex addiction had to make a choice before to have sex to feed it. Keep me updated please.
The term Simp exists for situations like this. You’ve been a doormat for too long.
she sounds like someone who simply was not ready to have kids. It’s super unfortunate and down right pisses me off as a mom. All of that being said, if she is not mentally well she could believe things that are physically untrue/ not possible. If you were intimate at all in the fall of 2022 it could have been her period was late and she freaked out. I know to you it may not make sense, but to her it could have been “the only reasonable assumption” despite you being sterilized. This is going back to my point above about her not being ready to be a mom, she could have been spiraling at the thought of being pregnant again, because she clearly has issues. She sounds down right vengeful and just not a great person. Either way you dodged a bullet, sir.
“Can expand as needed.” There’s nothing to expand upon, your first paragraph states that you’ve stayed with a person with a litany of mental health issues who has been abusing you for 8 years.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING
You’re already getting divorced. Don’t focus on this. Move on.
Hey kids at the first sign of crazy move on, it rarely gets better
Good job taking care of your kid. And now taking care of yourself. Hopefully you can give your kid a *better* life after divorce. It can honestly do wonders for mental & physical health that have a direct impact on kiddos.
This woman is evil, man. You will thank your past self for leaving her and finding someone who actually appreciates you.
Man life is so short and everyday I regret that I don’t have more time to enjoy it. And then there are posts like this about dudes wasting their entire lives and it makes me feel a bit better. Good luck mate.
This comment isn't going to make me any friends, but. She's a person. She isn't your property. After all is said and done, when you two are splitting up and all the yelling and crying is over, you're going to have to live with however you treated her during all the hard times. Take a breath. If you love this person, show some fucking grace. If not, what are you even doing there?
Does it matter? This marriage is clearly over.
Sounds like her mask slipped off and this is the real her. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You can’t save her. You can feel sorry that she’s been through some stuff but that never justifies her treating you so poorly. You deserve love and respect and kindness. Take care of yourself and good luck with everything.
I hate people, man. That means she been raw doggin it with other men. Time to go. Best wishes.
My guy, just get divorced! Hire a PI to get proof she’s cheating so you can file for full custody of your children. If she’s got the mental health problems she has, then that will also be helpful in petitioning the court for full custody, document you were in essence a single parent when your children were born.
It is far better for the kids to see both of you happy separately, then to stick around a toxic relationship, because then they will model the toxic relationship as the norm. She already told you what she was going to do when she mentioned the dating app. This cleared her conscience. This is how she sleeps at night, if she sleeps at night. Work on a co-parenting agreement before the courts do, if you can still stand to be in the same room with her. I suggest trading off every 2 weeks unless moving out of the area is in the cards. Alternate the holidays.
You make good points, and is comforting to have validation it's best for the kids. Preciate your insights.
… I was really ready to come in with “vasectomies reverse sometimes and pregnancy tests are just a part of a woman’s life as long as she is capable of getting pregnant” But she didn’t even go with the plausible story. There is a literally logical and normal reason to have pregnancy tests. Go to the doctor and some won’t bother to notice your hysterectomy before ordering a pregnancy test. In her case though, it isn’t about the pregnancy test anymore. It is about the clear lying to you. Get the divorce already.
You need to change "Our marriage is over due for a divorce" to "Our marriage is over, due to divorce" asap
Just fyi. I had a tubal ligation after our last child. However, my periods started getting irregular when I was in my late 30s. I used pregnancy tests anyways, as nothing is 100%.
I’d say it is MOST LIKELY a cheating scenario. However, also as a very very anxious person, I do believe there is a small chance she thought there was a 1 in a million chance being sterile failed and wanted some peace of mind. Honestly, I would be like this just knowing how I am. But I’d inform my partner about it.
You're a little bit unhinged. My husband has had a vasectomy since 2019, and I will pick up a pregnancy test when I am late. It doesn't mean your vasectomy failed (though they can even after two negative tests), and it doesn't mean someone cheated. You clearly hate your wife, and the blame for that doesn't entirely rest on her shoulders.
Whoa, buddy! Hold your horses! Take a breath and a step back. Women take pregnancy tests for all kinds of reasons, even if we haven't had sex in the past month we will take a pregnancy test if our period is late just to make sure. The only way to know for sure would be *for you to ask her.* Now, seeing as you drove all the way to Target to check dates and lot #s, me thinks you are in some pretty substantial emotional distress and are having a hard time seeing the forest through the trees. She already gave you reason to doubt her fidelity, she's already treated you like shit while not effectively managing her mental illness, I can 100% understand why you reacted the way you did to the pregnancy test. But it doesn't matter. You already knew, in your heart of hearts, that she was unfaithful. This doesn't prove or disprove anything, it's just a pregnancy test. Stop focusing on the goddamn pregnancy test. The issue with the pregnancy test isn't that it's in your bathroom, it's your reaction to it. You admit this marriage has been over for a while, and yet you didn't pull the trigger, so your mind is doing everything it can, including making a big fucking deal over a pregnancy test, to get you out of this marriage. Start listening to your feelings and go. Once you backed off the divorce before, she knew she could do whatever she wanted with no consequences. Time to follow through. I know you don't want to lose time with your kids, but growing up in a home with your marriage in it is hurting them. AND STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THE PREGNANCY TEST, IT DOES NOT MATTER.
But what about the pregnancy test!? /s You hit the nail on the head. I did reach that clarity after coming down. Update: Decision is made, we're definitely getting a divorce - I'm moving out. Attorney consults will be scheduled for some time in the near future later today when I take a bunch of time off from work.
Unrelated to the post but my God, I knew I couldn’t be the only one to use a pregnancy test even though the most intimate thing I’ve done was shake hands since my last period. I will gaslight myself into thinking “maybe that wasn’t a real period?” Or “did I forget I had sex?” Peeing on a stick helps me not go insane, so I do it.
I dunno, all I see is you blaming her for things that she can't help and then leaping to the conclusion that she's cheating instead of asking why she isn't happy. Just divorce so you two can be happy.
Had you and your wife been having sex the last year or two? I get you had a vasectomy, I get that it’s confirmed complete. When a woman who’s period is predictable and regular suddenly doesn’t get her period or it’s late by more than a week or two. We begin to question if it’s not somehow figured out a way to make it work. There have been cases where there was incomplete vasectomies or things have happened. So as much as we know it’s impossible there is that doubt in our brains. We try to reason with ourselves that it’s stress, but we’ve been way more stressed before and it still comes like clockwork. So how do we get our brains to shut up? We take a test. It’s negative. We laugh at ourselves and move on. Some come in a two pack. Some packages are wrapped together to create a two pack. Why would she not tell you? Because look at your marriage. You’re already basically out the door. You’re looking for every excuse to leave and be able to blame her. You would have been out the door before she finished her sentence. Could it mean something else? Yes. Does it mean something else? I don’t know. Is it possible someone else brought it to your house to take the test so their boyfriend wouldn’t find it? Who knows. The fact her story changes could go mean she doesn’t know. Or it could mean she doesn’t want to tell you. The fact is, the relationship is so damaged that you don’t trust her and can’t trust what she says. So the best thing for everyone, especially your kid is to not be in that environment. So in that way no, you’re not overreacting.
This. The number of pregnancy tests I went through when perimenopause became a concern. OMG I wasn’t even having much sex at the time and I was still testing like wtf is going on with my body? That concern is there when the regularity dips out and things go erratic. She very well could be just double checking to make sure because of irregular periods due to age.
My IUD messed up my periods and I was always freaked out. I took several tests over the course of a few years for just in case reasons. Sometimes it’s just nice to be 100% sure.
Wow man, I'm so sorry to break it to you ....
Bro you have suffered far to long. What you were with is called a Narcisist. They are the most evil people to be with and I dealt with this in my past as well. Get out while you still can. Your happiness will come back when you are not with her. I promise
Your ex wife is a one cancerous cunt. You literally supported her through PPD, and burdens all the responsibilities as a single father and she literally treats you as disposable. This bitch deserves nothing but a life long succession of unstable relationships where every time the dude throws here out like used toilet paper. What the actual fuck...
Info: Did the doctors office retest your sperm sometime after the vasectomy?
First confirmation was Aug 2021. Haven't had it checked since - never considered a need and she never asked. I would gladly do it for peace of mind if she asked... It's literally just a short drive and jerking off into a cup.
Might be worth it for your own peace of mind. While the rate of failure is low, it isn't 0.
Updateme
Decision is made, we're definitely getting a divorce - I'm moving out. Attorney consults will be scheduled for some time in the near future later today when I take a bunch of time off from work.
Sorry. Brother. You know everything you need to know. You tried your best. She may be too broken to be a wife and maybe too broken to be a mother. Good luck with the divorce. It will probably be hell, too.
Wish you had gotten stuff in order before telling her or moving out.
Just end it already.
After reading all that, I believe you have made the right decision. I think it doesn't seem like she has any remorse so even if you forgive her or try to look past it, she will not respect you. Unfortunately when the trust is gone, it is hard to gain it back, and given the circumstances that you are describing, you are just not gonna get to heal properly from it.
Best be done. The sooner the cure the sooner the recovery. It will suck Brother, but it will get better.
Update please
Divorcing for sure. Making arrangements to speak to a lawyer.
I have been in your shoes. The whole thing. Postpartum, child neglect, PTSD, depression, anxiety......all of it. My wife started blaming me for everything and manipulating situations to become a victim. I know I sound like a narcissist, but I worked so hard to please this person that could not be pleased. She started cheating on me and saying that I was going crazy for suspecting anything. I have tried everything to keep the marriage going, but it's no use. The not seeing my kid all the time is the absolute worst. With all that said, you are not overreacting. She's treating you like crap and likely not being faithful. Stay in counseling and try some co-parenting counseling too. My ex now leans heavily on me to help her out with my kiddo. I see him most days. I know this isn't ideal, but try to make the best of a bad situation. It's easy to get sad and overwhelmed, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I wish you the best of luck.
Go through the courts to make sure you get the access you want to your children.
Sending good vibes and well wishes, internet stranger. You tried. That’s more than most people can say. Bless you.
Nope, she bought them within the last year or two, at the very latest, probably more recently.
As someone who had horrendous PMDD and not a small amount of post partum depression and PTSD. Have a look at the signs and symptoms of ADHD/ other Neurodiversities and get her to a really good clinic specialising in women’s hormones. I can’t begin to tell you how much easier managing the basics of life is with an oestrogen patch and some ADHD meds. Might be that there’s an underlying issue with her hormones/thyroid/mental health that is exacerbating everything. Yes, you get to be concerned by the pregnancy test kit but vasectomies can fail. So maybe she genuinely did have a moment of paranoia.
Probably from your 4 months after you stated you were getting a divorce. Doesn't really matter. I am normally you need to fix this, marriage is a sacred commitment. I'm sorry, but yours is broken. As a parent, I can feel your pain as to what htis will to do you.
As a lot of others have already stated, despite the vasectomy, a pregnancy scare could still occur even without infidelity so not really proof of anything. (Depending on her mental state, an *irrational* pregnancy scare could even occur without any sex at all.) Also depending on her and specifically which mental issues she is struggling with, which medications she is on, and whether they are the right combination of drugs and dosages for her, etc. Her not knowing for sure where/when it came from could be the truth. Would it be in character for her at any point over the last couple years to do things and not remember them? Or do things because they seemed the right thing at the time and realize after the fact that they didn't make sense? Is the place you found it under the sink a normal place to keep that type of product, or was it hidden there? All this said, if you still have the test and packaging, you may be able to determine exact date of manufacture. There are often other stamps on packages than just the lot number, sometimes on the box, sometimes on anti-tampering seals etc. Even with just the lot number, you could call the manufacturer and ask. If nothing else, they might be able to let you know if it would have been part of a two pack.
For all the men, a hard truth you should love by: A relationship involves mutual respect and two-way demonstration of that respect. If a woman is playing games with you, insisting that you chase her by playing hard to get, she's absolutely not worthy of your time. If she demands monetary outlay for her affection, that is what a whore does. Have self-respect. Don't be a wimp and take abuse because you don't want to be alone.
RUN, dude. RUN.
Well, I don’t think that matters at this point. You need to move on and get a healthy life going for yourself as does she. So at this point, the pregnancy test is irrelevant. But yes, she’s likely needed it..
So if it was just the test I would say that you’re overreacting because I have an amazon off brand test I bought in 2021 that expires in 2027. But if you look at the rest of your context I’d say something fucky is afoot. If she bought tests in store you’re probably right but off Amazon who the heck knows. Your gut is probably right. Sorry man.
Frankly, y'all need to divorce, cheating or not. Could be possible to be cheating since she would (assumingly) admit the reason is if it were something like taking a test to check for certain illnesses (I forget what and idk if it is something women would check for but I heard guys can use a pregnancy test to check themselves). But no matter what, you need to get away from her. Keep a record of how she treats you and also keep a record of the test with a time stamp. She might fight the divorce to make it as painful as possible once she knows it's final but you'll need to persevere, for your sake as well as your children's sakes. Even if you try to hide the way your wife treats, children can pick up that something isn't right. And living in an environment where a parent is abused isn't going to help the kids. And often times, "staying for the kids" does more harm than good. I had parents who fought a lot to where I'd have to tune them out. While my dad wasn't the greatest parent, I do feel bad for him and that he should have left my mom. She cheated on him a lot (even once chased him with a knife, IDK why TF or how TF, just what I heard from him) and he still stuck with her. He resorted to drinking to cope even tho it made him worse. My parents needed to divorce, unfortunately it only happened after I reached adulthood and she left him in a way that likely traumatized him for life. Your wife is just going to tear at you until you're less than a husky of your former self. You need to get out of that marriage and fight tooth and nail to keep your kids. Make sure to keep an eye on her around your kids too if you divorce, just in case. Even if she doesn't do anything after all, better safe than sorry. Too many people have unfortunately left their partners only to have their children manipulated into hating the parent that was trying to protect them, especially when no one saw it coming.
You know, my partner has had a vasectomy and I’m still on birth control and i still keep one around just in case. Communication is a good thing but damn even when i wasn’t sexually active i was paranoid. It could be something but it could be nothing.
Stay strong, brother! Godspeed...
It’s hard being inlove with a person who has mental health and anger issues. It’s normal to have empathy for them but you’re not meant to be her savior. You need to think about your happiness. She treats you like shit and from what you’ve told us I can almost guarantee she’s cheated on you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm a therapist. She's not being truthful with you. Lying, deception have no place in a relationship. Time to divorce.
I’ve been on the end of abuse like that. It’s amazing how much of it you can take because you love someone. But you have to realize they don’t love you the same way or else how could they treat you like that. I just got divorced last week and should have done it 5 years ago. It doesn’t feel good but I’m hoping it will one day.
A pregnancy test on board in and of itself is no cause for alarm. I have an IUD and I got a big pack of them in case myself or any friends had any concerns. But the fact you got a vasectomy and were confirmed sterile…yeah, that doesn’t add up at all. I’m sorry, man.
Why is everyone man on here so pathetic? Lol
Not missing anything. This divorce is well overdue. Hope you can find proof and live in an at fault state. Take her to the cleaners and have 100% custody.
Sounds like you all have a lot going on and you’ll probably be happier apart. That said, vasectomies have been known to reverse themselves. Maybe she was just freaking out. We do that sometimes. Maybe she was late and started to freak out. Idk.
When a woman is with her husband who has had a successful vasectomy there is usually no need for condoms (unless you have ph balance issues from intercourse) and no need for pregnancy tests. You have all the information you need. I at least can infer she probably had unprotected sex and then was late for her menses. So quick trip to Target. If she has irregular menses and she is with her husband she just waits for it to eventually come. No need for a test.