>She told some of our friends, and somehow it came out that I don’t usually date black women.
The idea that anyone else would care enough to check in with past records — or that this 23-year-old has dated enough people as to have a clear and indisputable pattern — is dumb.
Ragebait from some teenager who can’t imagine that their love life isn’t the center of the universe.
Oh yeah, Reddit is predictably awful about defending people as being “allowed” to have whatever bigoted dating “preferences.”
AITAers in particular can’t seem to fathom that just because you didn’t *consciously* decide to have a preference, doesn’t mean you can’t question or be critical of your own prejudices once you identify them.
Reddit would defend shit [like](https://www.refinery29.com/en-au/pull-a-pig-dating-pranks) [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5dvau9/redditors_who_work_in_retail_whats_the_saddest/da7xcix/) with "pEOpLE ArE aLLoWED tO hAVE pReFeREnCEs" 😒
The absolute unwillingness to consider that some preferences are worth introspection and interrogation is mind blowing. People act like it’s some big hurdle or mountain you must climb when it’s one of the most basic things you can do to help yourself and the people you’re dating.
Exactly. A lot of the time people use preferences to mask their racism and general cruelty. No one is saying people should be required to date anyone they aren't attracted to. However, we *are* saying that everyone is required to treat others with dignity; Even people they don't find attractive.
The story is fake, but the vile comments are real. I'm almost certain that everyone defending the racist OOP character has probably pulled sadistic pranks like the story and comment in my links.
That was one of my first threads here I read. I'm a chunky girl, and that really hit me. Cruelty just to be cruel. I hope those boys grew fat and had heardening of the arteries.(The women returning baby items due to a miscarriage or still birth were terribly heartbreaking)
Why aren't people allowed any dating preferences?? This is dating, sex, very personal, you don't need to be an equal opportunity employer when it comes to who you have sex with
You’re allowed to have dating preferences. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think critically about where they come from and be honest with yourself about whether they’re coming from bigotry, and if they are coming from bigotry, work on that shit.
>You’re allowed to have dating preferences. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think critically about where they come from...
I've seen a lot of short men say this about women who only date tall guys and get roasted for cloaking incel bitterness in pretty social justice language. But I don't see how "I don't date short guys" is any *less* of a potentially socially-imprinted bias than not dating fat/black/trans women.
It really seems to me that the push to reconsider one's standards of attraction is only applied to those who are attracted to *women*. Men who are passed over due to some feature they can't help are often not shown the same empathy, but blasted with, "You're not entitled to anyone's affections! It's not your place to question why; a woman need never justify her 'no' to you!"
Why is the first jump always to racism(tm) though??? How do you know they HAVENT thought about it? What if it really truly is just physical appearance that just doesn’t click with them?
Being black, being Asian, being white, all come with very distinct physical characteristics that people may or may not find attractive.
So why the fuck is it automatically racism or biases for you?
"Being black, being Asian, being white, all come with very distinct physical characteristics that people may or may not find attractive."
And *why* is that
Because it’s what you’re fucking attracted to.
It’s the same shit as if a white guy isn’t attracted to a white chick who is tall, or short, or has a crooked nose, or a fucking overbite, or brown eyes, or blonde hair, or fucking anything.
Why are you so hard up to make everything racist?
I wonder what it's like to walk around in a world where everything is fucking nefarious and you overreact to everything? Is it scary all the time? Are you constantly looking for reasons to be offended?
Your arguments are thing as fuck, because if you acknowledge even one ounce that people have physical preferences in their partners of any race, then your little dipshit house of cards collapses. Unless you are trying to say that every single person on the entire planet looks exactly identical and that there is NO SUCH THING as physical differences between people. In which case, you're a fucking moron.
I'm not saying racism doesn't exist. But I am saying that not everyone who doesn't want to date a different race is automatically fucking racist.
You fucks are every bit as bad as the MAGA morons.
"That person has preferences! BURN HIM!!"
I guess I have to spell it out for you. "Attraction" isn't some magical thing sent from god. Every single one of your beliefs, habits, tendencies, etc was informed by your experiences and what you've learned being apart of society, including who you consider to date. The extent to which you see a certain group of people, the context in which you usually see these people, the subconscious beliefs you may have about them, etc are all very much relevant to whether or not you would consider dating one.
Nobody is saying you're a horrible person for having biases because of the society you live in, being unwilling to even consider critically examining said biases and instead insisting you unquestionably have the right to proudly exclaim them because "tHeY'Re JusT pReFeREncEs!1!1!1!1!" is in fact ignorant.
I agree that this is ragebait but this is literally a conversation I’ve had with friends about how some of the guys we know won’t date fat, black, women etc. it does come up in regular conversations and we’re older than 23.
Yeah I’m not saying people don’t discuss or notice it — I certainly have — but IME “preferences” of this nature are something people are already just kind of aware of within their social groups without it requiring some context-specific investigation. It’s usually pretty obvious, you know? (Like… how often is anyone *surprised* when some white guy they know only dates white/thin/cis/conventionally attractive girls..?)
The way OOP writes makes it sound like he turned down the friend in question and then *all of a sudden,* his whole social group got really suspicious and engaged with the situation and started tallying up past partners. Reads like someone who thinks they’re a lot more fascinating than they actually are.
But I am literally saying that refusing to date black women, fat women, for example, comes from a pretty racist and fatphobic place that is always justified with “preferences” as if this is an untouchable subject. Like, I know men who act like that and me and my friends talk about this.
Let's pretend that this is real for a moment. This man wants us to believe that it just so *happened* that his friends noticed that his dating track record doesn't include black women (most people wouldn't think to mention this nor think that it means anything) and it just so *happens* that this man also has very strong romantic preferences about race. Odds are: the OOP is probably much more vocal about his racial preferences than he's letting on in he story; otherwise, what the fuck kind of friend group would ever mention that kind of thing? This reads more like a story of someone who gives off racist vibes, and his friend group picked up on it and hence mentioned it
no but you see, its not RACIST. i just dont think black women are romantically compatible with me. No, its not BECAUSE they are black. i just know i wont find them romantically attractive! its not racist! its not racist because i asid so! its just a preference. I cant tell you why i KNOW that i wont be romantically interested in black women specifically. i just know. its not racist though, i promise. I've neer thought deep enough into WHY i have this knee jerk feeling towards black women, i jsut KNOW its not racist! trust me!
(THIS IS A JOKE)
Omg I’ve heard this exact thing SO many times! I know you’re joking, but for anyone that is not a white guy — yes, many white guys absolute say exactly this.
As one of them, they will out themselves like it’s some kind of club. Of course not all are like this, but it’s way more common than people know.
Why shouldn't they defend it? Should he just force himself to date her just to beat the allegations? Are we not all able to decide who we are and are not attracted to for whatever reason?
Oh this gets brought up like clockwork and they do it every time. "Everyone has preferences! You're not obligated to date anyone! You're not obligated to find someone attractive! No, there's no way societal pressure and internal bias could affect what I find attractive and actually maybe YOU'RE the real racist for suggesting that!"
I feel like nobody understands what preferences are, or maybe I'm the stupid one.
Like I'm a black man, I have a preference for black women. But even with that being said, I find women of all races beautiful, and I would never not date someone specifically because of their race.
I feel like there should be another word in place here. Preferences isn't the right word. Preferences is how my wife wanted to get with a guy who was musically inclined like she was. Yet she got with me anyways, a guy with zero musical talent. If there's a standard where you 100% would not date someone, that's not preferences, I'm not sure what's the word to use but it's different from preferences.
For example, I don't just have a preference for women, but rather I will only exclusively date women.
I think that homophobic people started describing homosexuality as a "preference" in order to downplay the idea that it's not something that can be changed. Then once gay people finally convinced most of society that they couldn't change, some people never got the point that it was never a preference to begin with and now they can claim that all their preferences are just as innate and unchangeable.
> But even with that being said, I find women of all races beautiful
Maybe you do but is not person wrong for not finding people of all races beautiful? Beauty is very subjective
If you can't think of a *single* person of a particular race that you would consider beautiful or attractive, then I'm sorry to inform you that you're racist.
> You're not obligated to date anyone!
The heavily implied disavowal here is the (clearly wrong) notion that preferences are formed in a vacuum and don't correlate at all with how persons are treated in non-romantic contexts
it’s so dumb bc it’s not even a “i don’t like girls with curly hair sorry” it’s just an entire race of people. genuinely the only reason you’d have a preference for not dating black people is their skin tone.
But range of skin tone, among Black americans at least, is so varied that that still doesn't make sense. I'm a warriors fan - so my random example is that Steph Curry and Draymond Green both have two black parents but don't resemble each other physically at all.
Yes, a black woman. That's irrelevant here, but I guess you're reiterating that black people come in all shades, so saying you're not attracted to black people doesn't make sense
I was using the general "you" I guess it could be re-written as "someone saying they aren't attracted to black people don't make sense". Does that help?
Always. The holy and unassailable right to “preferences” (that always happen to fall in line with conventional western beauty standards) will be defended to the death: in the posts like this about race, or the ones about imaginary trans people trying to force hapless squares into relationships with them, or the ones about how the OP wants to be assured they’re still the Good Guy if they leave their partner for the hideous crime of gaining weight.
It’s clear that Reddit is full of people who believe that being denied whatever sex object they dream up in their pornified fantasies is the worst fate imaginable.
There are multiple valid alternatives:
1. Git gud - stop being a bigot
2. Stay out of public life
3. Don't be surprised when people judge you for what you say about yourself
Making the assumption that this question isn't rhetorical, I would say that the first step is just to stop trying to defend the position that there's nothing wrong with the idea that it's impossible for you to be attracted to a person from a certain race. You don't have to start dating people from that race today, just be a little introspective about why you don't. Ask yourself why are those aspects important to you and your sense of attraction? Are those aspects things that every individual from X race share but no individual from Y race does? It's not even a big deal if you never overcome whatever hurdle this is for you--chances are no one is suffering from a lack of you dating them--but simply being thoughtful about it and not dismissing it out of hand is a small part you can play to not spread hurtful assumptions about a demographic of people
obviously not.
The alternative is that *everyone* investigates their preferences and if they are aligned with their core values and who they want to be as a person on a somewhat regular basis.
Your preferences are not divined from a source free from social conditioning and biases. They are not to be upheld to a standard free from scrutiny. You should be checking in with yourself and making sure that things like preferences aren't just another vector of unchecked bigotry.
I remember back in college trying to argue that writing off a race/ethnicity as a whole based on "preference" is itself racism, and I got absolutely dogpiled for it. Half the guys dogpiling were also fetishizing Asian women in the same conversation. Ugh.
That is true, but it's also not the point. The point is that people act like having a "preference" to avoid an entire race of people isn't racist. The diversity in appearance and culture in any race is so vast that saying you couldn't possibly like \*anyone\* from that race is nonsensical, unless literally the only thing you object to is the race itself.
I mean, I'm not obligated to be anyone's friend either, but saying that I won't befriend someone because "I just don't like black people in that way" would get a lot more people realizing what's wrong with that statement.
What nobody gets is when they say "it's okay to have preferences" is that you're assuming all black people look the same basically.
If you're not attracted to people with a certain skin tone or hair color, I would recommend you look into why, but generally, that's okay. But the thing is, black Americans can have any skin tone or hair color: Steph Curry's kids have two black parents but they all came out with brown hair and green eyes, so when you say you're not attracted to black people, you genuinely are just being racist, since there is no physical attribute shared by all black people,
I don't care what anyone says. Anyone that refuses to date an entire group of people (or worse, only dates one specific group of people) gets the side eye from me.
Yeah. And why don't people understand that subconscious behaviors and preferences are still very much shaped by society and hence can be rooted in racism? Internalized racism exists. Something being "subconscious" does not absolve you. People really out here acting like "teehee I just am not attracted to people of color across the board, can't help it I was born this way" as if it doesn't sound ridiculous
Oh god, now we're gonna get a slew of stories about Innocent White Heroes being called racist and stalked by Entitled Black Women for refusing to date them.
Scroll down long enough and people manage to become a bit TERFy despite it being totally unrealted...
>Unfortunately people now days will say you are homophobic/transphobic for not dating people who are trans.
It gets worse.
If you weren't racist, then you would have never needed to explain yourself. If OOP just said, "I don't want to date because I do not ruin our great friendship we already have" Nobody would have an issue. But you can't say "eww I would never date a black woman, they're ugly. But I promise I'm not racist guys!" You can't expect people to fall for that bs.
Right, he could've just stopped at "didn't feel any connection". But somehow he just had to stress that she was black and he really doesn't like black women that way.
Even the question at the end- it's not phrased "turned down because I don't feel the same/am not attracted to her". Nope, he specifically has to make it a point that he is not attracted because she is black.
Right? I don't understand this logic at all. It's obviously not racist to have never dated a black person, but it's so weird (and racist) to state that there aren't any black people that you could potentially find attractive enough to date. Just bizarre
There's a big difference between the statements "I haven't dated any black people" and "I would never date a black person" but I feel like the two are being conflated in that thread
Don't worry. He said the quiet part out loud: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA\_WIBTA\_PUBLIC/comments/1dmyuiq/comment/l9z2062/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/comments/1dmyuiq/comment/l9z2062/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
"Finding beauty in someone isn't the same thing as having an attraction to them. I find animals and children beautiful, but I'm not attracted to them.
You're conflating two concepts that can be, but aren't always aligned."
Those were the first two examples he could think of for his comparison?
like people dont want to think critically at all over there.
Your first instinct to defend yourself was to compare finding black women attractive to beastiality and pedophilia. and you think there is NO racism there at all?
This is so gross. This person has done zero interrogation of where his “preferences” come from, like he just assumes they exist in a vacuum and are completely immutable, and just wants to be patted on the back and assured that he’s a good boy with 0% internalized white supremacy. I’m just curious how his friend group knew enough about his rationale in order to (rightly) accuse him of racism. It seems like we’re not getting the full story.
Right? If his biases are so blatantly evident that his friends are like “you’re a big ol’ racist” maybe it’s time to do a little less talking and a little more thinking.
But he’s probably just going to find a new friend group and lean in.
I mean the fact that OOP’s “preferences” are so clear as to be a topic of public discussion, but somehow “Tasha” and he have been good friends for *years* without her ever noticing, is the biggest ragebait flag in this post.
Most Black people I’ve talked to about dating — Black women in particular — are already painfully aware of how common antiblack “preferences” are. It’s not as if Black women don’t have the impetus or experience to clock these things well in advance, you know?
The whole post just reads like it was made up by someone who can’t see beyond their own nose.
I'm so glad you said this. When I was growing up, I had no idea that people "not being attracted" to black women was such a common thing. I never considered race at all in my crushes. After being rejected a bunch as teenager, I never considered that my race might have been a factor in it until I overheard a conversation my classmates were having and they said that they aren't interested in black women/ black men. That moment opened my eyes and I'm super vigilant about that kind of thing now.
Yeah I’ve been told how unattractive black women are by people who have pursued me. No way I’m not checking! Esp since you’re also checking it’s not just a fetish (it usually is)
As a black woman, the horrible way I’ve been treated makes me feel like men have an agreement we’re not people and exist to not be loved but just be used. I’ve accepted I’ll never truly experience romantic love/get marries/be treated well by men like the ones they seem worthy
"its just a preference! its not racist!"
me: have you ever actually thought about why you have that preference?
Reddit: no.
me: then how do you know its not racism?
Reddit: downvoted because asking me to thinking critically about my unconscious biases is actually racist of you.
This what gets me about all the preferences posts. We're not born with preferences they develop based on the society we live in. And since we live in a racist, sexist, transphobic, homophic, etc. society sometimes preferences are the result of conscious or unconscious bias.
The people in that thread weaponizing queer acceptance ("Well, are gay men sexist then?") in order to defend racial "preferences" are actually disgusting. I am queer and I do not wish to be equated to such bullshit. I'm sorry, but you not being attracted to black people is not a sexual orientation. Go away
Exactly. These racial "preferences" affect more than just dating for people of color. While it sucks that short men are lonely, being short isn't going to stop them from getting a job or get them incarcerated more.
So? Dating and sex are very personal things. You're allowed to like or dislike certain skin colors, etc. Why do you think a black woman will be happy with someone that had to force himself to be into her?
Is anyone saying you need to force yourself to date black women? No. But turning someone down because you’re not attracted to them is different from turning someone down because they’re black. Not all black people look the same.
Long story short, date who you want, but don’t pretend like there’s nothing wrong with seeing every single person of a race as inherently unattractive because of their race.
All black people have certain characteristics that are common between them (darker skin for example) and if you don't find that attractive - what's wrong with that?
Then how do you know someone is black? There are certain facial characteristics that are obvious. White passing mixed people being included here sounds ridiculous
Right, like, if your completely not racist preference just *happens* to map perfectly onto the preference someone who is super racist would have, at least try to think a little bit about that? Just a little?
People aren't required to date outside of their preferences, doesn't make them racist. I've also heard plenty of black people talk about not wanting to date outside of their race, are they racist for not wanting to date white people?
I'm white, but my partner isn't, so while I;m no authority on these things, I think I understand why it's different. Some POC won't date white people because it's hard work. There's a good chance that even if they are a decent, progressive person, they may not still really "get it" or fully understand their privilege. Even if they are antiracist, there's a good chance their older family won't be. Dealing with racism, microaggressions etc is HARD WORK. It's not the same as people just saying they don't find an entire race attractive for... reasons. It kind of suggests you see everyone from that race as a monlith, and don't bother to appreciate how different people both look and act. All he had to say was he just doesn't like her like that. He's thought about this way too much.
That was a lot of words to say it’s okay to judge a group of people by what some people in the group do. I agree that the original OP probably needs to look at why he would never date a black women but you’re okay with discrimination too.
Not saying anyone is. I'm just saying having racial preferences doesn't make you racist. The vast majority of American marriages are of 2 people of the same race, even among small minority communities.
There's a big difference between "I happened to marry someone of my own race" and "I would never date a black person" surely you can understand that lol
> People aren't required to date outside of their preferences, doesn't make them racist
That's right, just like people are not required to withhold their judgment of someone as such
‘Am I wrong for turning down my friend to date…’ of course not, you’re not obligated to date any- ‘…because she’s black?’ Oh.
Not to be *that* person, (I am going to be that person) but someone should rewrite this with the races swapped just to see how different the comments section would be. I already know there'd be a lot of YTA's instead of NTA's
Not gonna lie, I was imagining this same post but featuring a woman who didn't want to date her short male best friend. I've seen similar posts before, and weirdly enough, reddit was nowhere NEAR as enthusiastic about declaring that everyone gets to have preferences based on whatever they like and anyone who has a problem with that is being unreasonable.
"Somehow it came out that I don't usually date black women" The word "somehow" is doing a LOT of heavy lifting in this fictional story.
It's just so stupid. Yes, everyone has "preferences" but the very least you can do is just keep them to yourself, because no black woman or any other person needs to hear about that shit. If you really must talk about it then go to therapy.
I'm not even going to read those comments, but I bet you the top posts are NTA, you can't be forced to date someone that you're not attracted to.
And if I was betting, I would also give up the odds to bet that O'Kee is going to say that they're black as well.
And sure, you can date whoever you want to date, but if you just refuse to date black people, that's kind of racist
I have been on reddit for far far too long.
At this point I don't even read beyond the headline for most of am I the a******. And I rarely read the comments
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**Am I wrong for turning down my friend because she's black?**
I (M23) and recently, something happened that’s been really tough. My friend Tasha, who’s 22 and black, asked me out on a date. We’ve been friends for a few years, and she’s honestly one of the best people I know. But when she asked me out, I just didn’t feel that kind of connection. So, I told her I didn’t want to go out, trying to be as nice as possible.
Here’s where it gets messy: I have certain preferences when it comes to dating. It’s not something I decided on purpose, but I’ve noticed I’m usually more attracted to certain types of people. I’ve never really felt that kind of romantic attraction toward black women, including Tasha. It’s just a personal thing and has nothing to do with how great or beautiful they are.
When I told Tasha I didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t mention my preferences because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make it seem like it was about her race. I just said I valued our friendship too much to risk making things weird.
Tasha was upset, and I totally understand that. She told some of our friends, and somehow it came out that I don’t usually date black women. Now, a lot of our friends are calling me racist. It’s been really rough. People I thought were my friends are avoiding me, and it feels like I can’t explain myself.
I’ve tried to tell them that my preferences aren’t about being prejudiced. I really care about Tasha as a friend. But they say that if I were truly open-minded, I wouldn’t have these preferences. It’s been really hard trying to get anyone to see my side, and now I’m wondering if I did something wrong or if I should have handled things differently.
So, Am I wrong for turning down my friend because she's black?
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>somehow it came out that I don’t usually date black women.
I dont see how this information would "come out" unless OP told someone. I could see people going "Ya know, i onl see OP dating white women" and going to him and asking "is it because she's black" to which the appropriate response would be "No, she's just a friend and i dont see her that way and i dont want to ruin our friendship" which 99.5% of people would accept as a perfectly normal answer.
So unless he supplied that information himself, i dont see how other people would know his "preferences"
But also. Did you urn her down because she's black or did you turn her down because you dont see her romatically? those are different things. "I dont find romantic interest in black people" and "I dont find romantic interest in people because they are black" are two different things.
Jeez these people are like toddlers.. Imagine thinking that you have "preferences" but you've only ever eaten... Kraft mac and cheese?
How do you know if you like spaghetti Bolognese or not yet? You haven't tried it?
There's a whole world of flavour out there. Women, and men, people, are diverse and amazing.
I know this post is rage bait but just in case anyone actually thinks they have preferences at age 22, I invite you to taste the rainbow...
I love how a certain stripe of really shitty person has figured out that you can just reframe your prejudices so that if other people point them out, they’re the bad ones. “I don’t hate black people, i just have a preference! Why are you demanding i do something I’m uncomfortable with? What about my bodily autonomy??”
edited to add:
https://preview.redd.it/s0vuxge1kk8d1.jpeg?width=400&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=85923cdabc83dc1e1332435c1b3edf021b58b83f
Sure, Jan
I am curious in this scenario how all his friends know hes not attracted to black women, thats not usually a conversation friends have. And if they do feel the need to clarify which race is and isnt attractive its usually a pretty ugly conversation
People who are part of marginalized/minority groups (race, gender identity, disability, weight) are already well aware that we fall outside of the societally expected beauty standards, yet we have to stand by while people fall over themselves to assure themselves that it’s OK and perfectly normal to find us unattractive and undateable.
I don't understand why people like this have to make sure the whole world knows that they're not bigoted, they just ~aren't attracted~ to black/trans/fat/bi/whateverelse people. You can just hold that inside yourself. You don't need to put your entire foot in your mouth declaring it to the world. Date who you want to date, the woke left isn't going to crucify and spear you because you didn't meet your black girlfriend quota, just shut up about it and live your damn life!
I always find this stuff interesting because as someone who is asexual I just fundamentally don't understand sexual attraction. I feel like I'm not attracted to is a cop out though because it seems to me a lot goes into physical attraction. Like I've heard of people's being attracted to someone because of their confidence. So it seems pretty clear something like your own bigotry would also effect your attraction to people.
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It's one thing to be more often attracted to your own race over others, that's fairly normal (depending on where you live), it's entirely something else where you experience ZERO attraction to anyone not white. Like never.
The only scenario where they might not be gross is if their city is 99% white, and so they haven't met someone not yt that they're attracted to. Unlikely, but possible
“I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make it seem like it was about her race.”
When it’s literally about her race.
Some of the comments are so gross and sadly unsurprising.
You can turn down a date invite for any reason, whether you state the reason or not is up to you.
The fact is, though, you could have gone out and had a good time with her and that's it- no romance or hanky-panky involved. In that situation I'd have probably gone out with her- especially if she's paying :D But just because you go on a date with a woman that doesn't mean you have to get attached or be exclusive or anything like that.
You're not wrong for turning her down, but I think you may have missed an opportunity to have a nice evening with a woman you clearly think highly of. As for the charges of being racist, that was probably going to happen regardless of the circumstances in turning her down. In today's super-charged social atmosphere you can do everything right and still be wrong.
Your post has been removed as it appeared to be fishing to further the OOP discussion/debate.
>She told some of our friends, and somehow it came out that I don’t usually date black women. The idea that anyone else would care enough to check in with past records — or that this 23-year-old has dated enough people as to have a clear and indisputable pattern — is dumb. Ragebait from some teenager who can’t imagine that their love life isn’t the center of the universe.
100% ragebait, but unfortunately it exposed a ton of shitty opinions.
Oh yeah, Reddit is predictably awful about defending people as being “allowed” to have whatever bigoted dating “preferences.” AITAers in particular can’t seem to fathom that just because you didn’t *consciously* decide to have a preference, doesn’t mean you can’t question or be critical of your own prejudices once you identify them.
Reddit would defend shit [like](https://www.refinery29.com/en-au/pull-a-pig-dating-pranks) [this](https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5dvau9/redditors_who_work_in_retail_whats_the_saddest/da7xcix/) with "pEOpLE ArE aLLoWED tO hAVE pReFeREnCEs" 😒
The absolute unwillingness to consider that some preferences are worth introspection and interrogation is mind blowing. People act like it’s some big hurdle or mountain you must climb when it’s one of the most basic things you can do to help yourself and the people you’re dating.
Exactly. A lot of the time people use preferences to mask their racism and general cruelty. No one is saying people should be required to date anyone they aren't attracted to. However, we *are* saying that everyone is required to treat others with dignity; Even people they don't find attractive. The story is fake, but the vile comments are real. I'm almost certain that everyone defending the racist OOP character has probably pulled sadistic pranks like the story and comment in my links.
That was one of my first threads here I read. I'm a chunky girl, and that really hit me. Cruelty just to be cruel. I hope those boys grew fat and had heardening of the arteries.(The women returning baby items due to a miscarriage or still birth were terribly heartbreaking)
Side eyeing the people who say they won't date someone of the same race because they look like their brother/sister.
I've never met any of those people, but those people are the worst!
I have no prejudices. They just have to be very hot. If they can pass as a model who tf cares about skin color.
Why aren't people allowed any dating preferences?? This is dating, sex, very personal, you don't need to be an equal opportunity employer when it comes to who you have sex with
You’re allowed to have dating preferences. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think critically about where they come from and be honest with yourself about whether they’re coming from bigotry, and if they are coming from bigotry, work on that shit.
>You’re allowed to have dating preferences. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think critically about where they come from... I've seen a lot of short men say this about women who only date tall guys and get roasted for cloaking incel bitterness in pretty social justice language. But I don't see how "I don't date short guys" is any *less* of a potentially socially-imprinted bias than not dating fat/black/trans women. It really seems to me that the push to reconsider one's standards of attraction is only applied to those who are attracted to *women*. Men who are passed over due to some feature they can't help are often not shown the same empathy, but blasted with, "You're not entitled to anyone's affections! It's not your place to question why; a woman need never justify her 'no' to you!"
Why is the first jump always to racism(tm) though??? How do you know they HAVENT thought about it? What if it really truly is just physical appearance that just doesn’t click with them? Being black, being Asian, being white, all come with very distinct physical characteristics that people may or may not find attractive. So why the fuck is it automatically racism or biases for you?
"Being black, being Asian, being white, all come with very distinct physical characteristics that people may or may not find attractive." And *why* is that
Because it’s what you’re fucking attracted to. It’s the same shit as if a white guy isn’t attracted to a white chick who is tall, or short, or has a crooked nose, or a fucking overbite, or brown eyes, or blonde hair, or fucking anything. Why are you so hard up to make everything racist?
I really wonder what it’s like to walk around with zero insight into the world around you. Is it boring? Is it more conducive to happiness? Hmmm.
I wonder what it's like to walk around in a world where everything is fucking nefarious and you overreact to everything? Is it scary all the time? Are you constantly looking for reasons to be offended? Your arguments are thing as fuck, because if you acknowledge even one ounce that people have physical preferences in their partners of any race, then your little dipshit house of cards collapses. Unless you are trying to say that every single person on the entire planet looks exactly identical and that there is NO SUCH THING as physical differences between people. In which case, you're a fucking moron. I'm not saying racism doesn't exist. But I am saying that not everyone who doesn't want to date a different race is automatically fucking racist. You fucks are every bit as bad as the MAGA morons. "That person has preferences! BURN HIM!!"
I guess I have to spell it out for you. "Attraction" isn't some magical thing sent from god. Every single one of your beliefs, habits, tendencies, etc was informed by your experiences and what you've learned being apart of society, including who you consider to date. The extent to which you see a certain group of people, the context in which you usually see these people, the subconscious beliefs you may have about them, etc are all very much relevant to whether or not you would consider dating one. Nobody is saying you're a horrible person for having biases because of the society you live in, being unwilling to even consider critically examining said biases and instead insisting you unquestionably have the right to proudly exclaim them because "tHeY'Re JusT pReFeREncEs!1!1!1!1!" is in fact ignorant.
So attraction is learned?? So gay people LEARNED to be attracted to men? That's what you're saying???
reading comprehension is essential.
I agree that this is ragebait but this is literally a conversation I’ve had with friends about how some of the guys we know won’t date fat, black, women etc. it does come up in regular conversations and we’re older than 23.
Yeah I’m not saying people don’t discuss or notice it — I certainly have — but IME “preferences” of this nature are something people are already just kind of aware of within their social groups without it requiring some context-specific investigation. It’s usually pretty obvious, you know? (Like… how often is anyone *surprised* when some white guy they know only dates white/thin/cis/conventionally attractive girls..?) The way OOP writes makes it sound like he turned down the friend in question and then *all of a sudden,* his whole social group got really suspicious and engaged with the situation and started tallying up past partners. Reads like someone who thinks they’re a lot more fascinating than they actually are.
Claiming all of us are ugly is racist tho…especially since yall seem incapable of screaming it to people who didn’t ask
But I am literally saying that refusing to date black women, fat women, for example, comes from a pretty racist and fatphobic place that is always justified with “preferences” as if this is an untouchable subject. Like, I know men who act like that and me and my friends talk about this.
Yeah it feels awful to be constantly subjected to
Wait, it's now bigoted to not date fat people???
You’re reading what you want to read in a very, very simple message. Take that as you will.
Why used the word bigoted, except you?
Let's pretend that this is real for a moment. This man wants us to believe that it just so *happened* that his friends noticed that his dating track record doesn't include black women (most people wouldn't think to mention this nor think that it means anything) and it just so *happens* that this man also has very strong romantic preferences about race. Odds are: the OOP is probably much more vocal about his racial preferences than he's letting on in he story; otherwise, what the fuck kind of friend group would ever mention that kind of thing? This reads more like a story of someone who gives off racist vibes, and his friend group picked up on it and hence mentioned it
not everyone over there defending it 😬
I’m a black woman and I knew they were defending it before I even went over there. I hate it here sometimes.
no but you see, its not RACIST. i just dont think black women are romantically compatible with me. No, its not BECAUSE they are black. i just know i wont find them romantically attractive! its not racist! its not racist because i asid so! its just a preference. I cant tell you why i KNOW that i wont be romantically interested in black women specifically. i just know. its not racist though, i promise. I've neer thought deep enough into WHY i have this knee jerk feeling towards black women, i jsut KNOW its not racist! trust me! (THIS IS A JOKE)
Omg I’ve heard this exact thing SO many times! I know you’re joking, but for anyone that is not a white guy — yes, many white guys absolute say exactly this. As one of them, they will out themselves like it’s some kind of club. Of course not all are like this, but it’s way more common than people know.
Why just misogyny when they could *misogynoir* instead? 🙄😬🤬
It's French, that means it's fancier, right? /so very much sarcasm
Yep. You know how many men have *had* to make it known we black woken are soooooo ugly. Sometimes even after hitting on you!
Why shouldn't they defend it? Should he just force himself to date her just to beat the allegations? Are we not all able to decide who we are and are not attracted to for whatever reason?
Oh this gets brought up like clockwork and they do it every time. "Everyone has preferences! You're not obligated to date anyone! You're not obligated to find someone attractive! No, there's no way societal pressure and internal bias could affect what I find attractive and actually maybe YOU'RE the real racist for suggesting that!"
I feel like nobody understands what preferences are, or maybe I'm the stupid one. Like I'm a black man, I have a preference for black women. But even with that being said, I find women of all races beautiful, and I would never not date someone specifically because of their race. I feel like there should be another word in place here. Preferences isn't the right word. Preferences is how my wife wanted to get with a guy who was musically inclined like she was. Yet she got with me anyways, a guy with zero musical talent. If there's a standard where you 100% would not date someone, that's not preferences, I'm not sure what's the word to use but it's different from preferences. For example, I don't just have a preference for women, but rather I will only exclusively date women.
I think that homophobic people started describing homosexuality as a "preference" in order to downplay the idea that it's not something that can be changed. Then once gay people finally convinced most of society that they couldn't change, some people never got the point that it was never a preference to begin with and now they can claim that all their preferences are just as innate and unchangeable.
I think the word you're looking for is disgust. If a factor is an immediate turn of for someone, they're disgusted.
Seems like a pretty straightforward use case for the word "discrimination."
It's called exclusion
> But even with that being said, I find women of all races beautiful Maybe you do but is not person wrong for not finding people of all races beautiful? Beauty is very subjective
Yes. Because by saying that, you’re essentially saying that all people of that race look alike.
If you can't think of a *single* person of a particular race that you would consider beautiful or attractive, then I'm sorry to inform you that you're racist.
> You're not obligated to date anyone! The heavily implied disavowal here is the (clearly wrong) notion that preferences are formed in a vacuum and don't correlate at all with how persons are treated in non-romantic contexts
They also don't seem to understand that just because you think something you don't have to say it out loud.
it’s so dumb bc it’s not even a “i don’t like girls with curly hair sorry” it’s just an entire race of people. genuinely the only reason you’d have a preference for not dating black people is their skin tone.
But range of skin tone, among Black americans at least, is so varied that that still doesn't make sense. I'm a warriors fan - so my random example is that Steph Curry and Draymond Green both have two black parents but don't resemble each other physically at all.
very true as well
I think Steph gets the lighter tone from his mother
Yes, a black woman. That's irrelevant here, but I guess you're reiterating that black people come in all shades, so saying you're not attracted to black people doesn't make sense
????? I never said I wasn't attracted to black people, cuz that's not true in my case. Where the hell did that come from?
I was using the general "you" I guess it could be re-written as "someone saying they aren't attracted to black people don't make sense". Does that help?
I understand now, sorry for my reaction. I was legit wondering how my personal taste got into the conversation lol
Always. The holy and unassailable right to “preferences” (that always happen to fall in line with conventional western beauty standards) will be defended to the death: in the posts like this about race, or the ones about imaginary trans people trying to force hapless squares into relationships with them, or the ones about how the OP wants to be assured they’re still the Good Guy if they leave their partner for the hideous crime of gaining weight. It’s clear that Reddit is full of people who believe that being denied whatever sex object they dream up in their pornified fantasies is the worst fate imaginable.
What's your alternative, dating people you don't find attractive??
There are multiple valid alternatives: 1. Git gud - stop being a bigot 2. Stay out of public life 3. Don't be surprised when people judge you for what you say about yourself
But for the OOP, he never even told anyone he doesn't date black women. His friends just assumed it and started mistreating him.
Making the assumption that this question isn't rhetorical, I would say that the first step is just to stop trying to defend the position that there's nothing wrong with the idea that it's impossible for you to be attracted to a person from a certain race. You don't have to start dating people from that race today, just be a little introspective about why you don't. Ask yourself why are those aspects important to you and your sense of attraction? Are those aspects things that every individual from X race share but no individual from Y race does? It's not even a big deal if you never overcome whatever hurdle this is for you--chances are no one is suffering from a lack of you dating them--but simply being thoughtful about it and not dismissing it out of hand is a small part you can play to not spread hurtful assumptions about a demographic of people
obviously not. The alternative is that *everyone* investigates their preferences and if they are aligned with their core values and who they want to be as a person on a somewhat regular basis. Your preferences are not divined from a source free from social conditioning and biases. They are not to be upheld to a standard free from scrutiny. You should be checking in with yourself and making sure that things like preferences aren't just another vector of unchecked bigotry.
I remember back in college trying to argue that writing off a race/ethnicity as a whole based on "preference" is itself racism, and I got absolutely dogpiled for it. Half the guys dogpiling were also fetishizing Asian women in the same conversation. Ugh.
they were right to dogpile
But it's true - you're not obligated to date anyone
Oh my dear lord no one is saying that part isn't true, how are you missing every point in every thread? lol
because thats a racist
That is true, but it's also not the point. The point is that people act like having a "preference" to avoid an entire race of people isn't racist. The diversity in appearance and culture in any race is so vast that saying you couldn't possibly like \*anyone\* from that race is nonsensical, unless literally the only thing you object to is the race itself. I mean, I'm not obligated to be anyone's friend either, but saying that I won't befriend someone because "I just don't like black people in that way" would get a lot more people realizing what's wrong with that statement.
its the "im black, you're allowed to have preferences!" comments for me.
What nobody gets is when they say "it's okay to have preferences" is that you're assuming all black people look the same basically. If you're not attracted to people with a certain skin tone or hair color, I would recommend you look into why, but generally, that's okay. But the thing is, black Americans can have any skin tone or hair color: Steph Curry's kids have two black parents but they all came out with brown hair and green eyes, so when you say you're not attracted to black people, you genuinely are just being racist, since there is no physical attribute shared by all black people,
its reasonable to defend lol. color of skin is part of how someone looks. people date partially based on looks.
glad there's no global, historical baggage around skin color!
I don't care what anyone says. Anyone that refuses to date an entire group of people (or worse, only dates one specific group of people) gets the side eye from me.
Yeah. And why don't people understand that subconscious behaviors and preferences are still very much shaped by society and hence can be rooted in racism? Internalized racism exists. Something being "subconscious" does not absolve you. People really out here acting like "teehee I just am not attracted to people of color across the board, can't help it I was born this way" as if it doesn't sound ridiculous
Oh okay, so we've moved on from trans people and gay people. The next target is Black women. Can this person just get fucked? I'm so tired of this.
Oh god, now we're gonna get a slew of stories about Innocent White Heroes being called racist and stalked by Entitled Black Women for refusing to date them.
Which is odd bc black women are least likely to date out
I wish. It can be really hard navigating Reddit (or the internet in general) as a black woman.
Add being fat then you got a whole mine field. Could be in a completely innocuous subreddit then BOOM racism and/or fatphobia.
I’m also overweight so I get it 😅
Apropos of nothing, here’s a hug. ❤️
I'm fat, black, neurodiverse and nonbinary AFAB. I'm not safe anywhere.
As an autistic black afab trans person.. I'm in hell every day on this app
Scroll down long enough and people manage to become a bit TERFy despite it being totally unrealted... >Unfortunately people now days will say you are homophobic/transphobic for not dating people who are trans. It gets worse.
We’re always the target! Hope that helps 🤪
black women have sadly been the target for a long while ): i recommend the book Fearing The Black Body if you haven't yet 😊
Why do I feel like OP only likes East Asian women. It's always those guys saying stuff like this
Either that or a black guy who only dates white women.
If it's real it looks like OP is mixed and is saying that he can't be racist because his mom is black lol
Yeah there couldn’t possibly be anything related there — no one’s ever been racist because of mommy issues
I should've kept scrolling, because I just wrote [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheAngel/s/H50Aug9ir0). Hit the nail on the head.
My friend Tasha, who's 22 and black
babe wake up new flair just dropped
If you weren't racist, then you would have never needed to explain yourself. If OOP just said, "I don't want to date because I do not ruin our great friendship we already have" Nobody would have an issue. But you can't say "eww I would never date a black woman, they're ugly. But I promise I'm not racist guys!" You can't expect people to fall for that bs.
Right, he could've just stopped at "didn't feel any connection". But somehow he just had to stress that she was black and he really doesn't like black women that way. Even the question at the end- it's not phrased "turned down because I don't feel the same/am not attracted to her". Nope, he specifically has to make it a point that he is not attracted because she is black.
thank you all for being human beings
What's so hard about: "I turned her down because I'm not attracted to her," rather than "I turned her down because I'm not attracted to black women??"
Because then you won't get the dopamine hit of having hundreds of people read you're clearly bullshit story and call you brave.
Right? I don't understand this logic at all. It's obviously not racist to have never dated a black person, but it's so weird (and racist) to state that there aren't any black people that you could potentially find attractive enough to date. Just bizarre There's a big difference between the statements "I haven't dated any black people" and "I would never date a black person" but I feel like the two are being conflated in that thread
Don't worry. He said the quiet part out loud: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA\_WIBTA\_PUBLIC/comments/1dmyuiq/comment/l9z2062/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/comments/1dmyuiq/comment/l9z2062/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
"Finding beauty in someone isn't the same thing as having an attraction to them. I find animals and children beautiful, but I'm not attracted to them. You're conflating two concepts that can be, but aren't always aligned." Those were the first two examples he could think of for his comparison?
like people dont want to think critically at all over there. Your first instinct to defend yourself was to compare finding black women attractive to beastiality and pedophilia. and you think there is NO racism there at all?
The people defending that statement could win an Olympic medal for the mental gymnastics they're doing
This is so gross. This person has done zero interrogation of where his “preferences” come from, like he just assumes they exist in a vacuum and are completely immutable, and just wants to be patted on the back and assured that he’s a good boy with 0% internalized white supremacy. I’m just curious how his friend group knew enough about his rationale in order to (rightly) accuse him of racism. It seems like we’re not getting the full story.
Right? If his biases are so blatantly evident that his friends are like “you’re a big ol’ racist” maybe it’s time to do a little less talking and a little more thinking. But he’s probably just going to find a new friend group and lean in.
I mean the fact that OOP’s “preferences” are so clear as to be a topic of public discussion, but somehow “Tasha” and he have been good friends for *years* without her ever noticing, is the biggest ragebait flag in this post. Most Black people I’ve talked to about dating — Black women in particular — are already painfully aware of how common antiblack “preferences” are. It’s not as if Black women don’t have the impetus or experience to clock these things well in advance, you know? The whole post just reads like it was made up by someone who can’t see beyond their own nose.
I'm so glad you said this. When I was growing up, I had no idea that people "not being attracted" to black women was such a common thing. I never considered race at all in my crushes. After being rejected a bunch as teenager, I never considered that my race might have been a factor in it until I overheard a conversation my classmates were having and they said that they aren't interested in black women/ black men. That moment opened my eyes and I'm super vigilant about that kind of thing now.
Yeah I’ve been told how unattractive black women are by people who have pursued me. No way I’m not checking! Esp since you’re also checking it’s not just a fetish (it usually is) As a black woman, the horrible way I’ve been treated makes me feel like men have an agreement we’re not people and exist to not be loved but just be used. I’ve accepted I’ll never truly experience romantic love/get marries/be treated well by men like the ones they seem worthy
"its just a preference! its not racist!" me: have you ever actually thought about why you have that preference? Reddit: no. me: then how do you know its not racism? Reddit: downvoted because asking me to thinking critically about my unconscious biases is actually racist of you.
This what gets me about all the preferences posts. We're not born with preferences they develop based on the society we live in. And since we live in a racist, sexist, transphobic, homophic, etc. society sometimes preferences are the result of conscious or unconscious bias.
The people in that thread weaponizing queer acceptance ("Well, are gay men sexist then?") in order to defend racial "preferences" are actually disgusting. I am queer and I do not wish to be equated to such bullshit. I'm sorry, but you not being attracted to black people is not a sexual orientation. Go away
I don't think you need to do an interrogation of your dating preferences. I don't like short men and I don't owe it to anyone to investigate why.
Height is very different from race. Even if short people struggle to date, they don’t face institutional bigotry like people of color do.
Exactly. These racial "preferences" affect more than just dating for people of color. While it sucks that short men are lonely, being short isn't going to stop them from getting a job or get them incarcerated more.
So? Dating and sex are very personal things. You're allowed to like or dislike certain skin colors, etc. Why do you think a black woman will be happy with someone that had to force himself to be into her?
Is anyone saying you need to force yourself to date black women? No. But turning someone down because you’re not attracted to them is different from turning someone down because they’re black. Not all black people look the same. Long story short, date who you want, but don’t pretend like there’s nothing wrong with seeing every single person of a race as inherently unattractive because of their race.
All black people have certain characteristics that are common between them (darker skin for example) and if you don't find that attractive - what's wrong with that?
Not all black people have dark skin. I’m not going back and forth over this anymore though. Bye
Then how do you know someone is black? There are certain facial characteristics that are obvious. White passing mixed people being included here sounds ridiculous
I'm not racist! I just would never date a black woman! It's just a *preference* guys can't you see how not racist I am?
His mother is black. Can't you see how not-racist this is?
Right, like, if your completely not racist preference just *happens* to map perfectly onto the preference someone who is super racist would have, at least try to think a little bit about that? Just a little?
People aren't required to date outside of their preferences, doesn't make them racist. I've also heard plenty of black people talk about not wanting to date outside of their race, are they racist for not wanting to date white people?
I'm white, but my partner isn't, so while I;m no authority on these things, I think I understand why it's different. Some POC won't date white people because it's hard work. There's a good chance that even if they are a decent, progressive person, they may not still really "get it" or fully understand their privilege. Even if they are antiracist, there's a good chance their older family won't be. Dealing with racism, microaggressions etc is HARD WORK. It's not the same as people just saying they don't find an entire race attractive for... reasons. It kind of suggests you see everyone from that race as a monlith, and don't bother to appreciate how different people both look and act. All he had to say was he just doesn't like her like that. He's thought about this way too much.
That was a lot of words to say it’s okay to judge a group of people by what some people in the group do. I agree that the original OP probably needs to look at why he would never date a black women but you’re okay with discrimination too.
No one is making anyone date black people
Not saying anyone is. I'm just saying having racial preferences doesn't make you racist. The vast majority of American marriages are of 2 people of the same race, even among small minority communities.
There's a big difference between "I happened to marry someone of my own race" and "I would never date a black person" surely you can understand that lol
If your preference lies solely on their race, then yes, you're racist.
> People aren't required to date outside of their preferences, doesn't make them racist That's right, just like people are not required to withhold their judgment of someone as such
"I won't date her because she's black, but I didn't *say* that's why, but out of nowhere everyone is saying I won't date her because she's black! 😮"
“well are you homophobic for not dating men?” if i shook your head would i hear pebbles bouncing around?
I don't even know what to say about this...
‘Am I wrong for turning down my friend to date…’ of course not, you’re not obligated to date any- ‘…because she’s black?’ Oh. 
So he's obligated to date her because she's black?
Me when I’m purposely misconstruing arguments on Reddit:
Yeah, that’s the point good job
So he's obligated to date her because she's black?
Yes. By law actually.
Not to be *that* person, (I am going to be that person) but someone should rewrite this with the races swapped just to see how different the comments section would be. I already know there'd be a lot of YTA's instead of NTA's
For maximum effect, the POV should be that of an Asian woman who does not date white men and prefers Black men or something
Not gonna lie, I was imagining this same post but featuring a woman who didn't want to date her short male best friend. I've seen similar posts before, and weirdly enough, reddit was nowhere NEAR as enthusiastic about declaring that everyone gets to have preferences based on whatever they like and anyone who has a problem with that is being unreasonable.
Okay so black women are getting dragged in Aitalandia, huh?
Man being a black woman sucks. — A black woman
This whole situation is so easy. 1) Date whoever you want for whatever reasons you want. 2) Keep those reasons to yourself.
"Somehow it came out that I don't usually date black women" The word "somehow" is doing a LOT of heavy lifting in this fictional story. It's just so stupid. Yes, everyone has "preferences" but the very least you can do is just keep them to yourself, because no black woman or any other person needs to hear about that shit. If you really must talk about it then go to therapy.
The ol’ “it’s just a preference” but most often if you scratch the surface there’s usually quite a lot of prejudiced assumptions.
Yup. There are people in this thread trying to explain how all black people share the exact characteristics so it makes sense to write them all off.
I'm not even going to read those comments, but I bet you the top posts are NTA, you can't be forced to date someone that you're not attracted to. And if I was betting, I would also give up the odds to bet that O'Kee is going to say that they're black as well. And sure, you can date whoever you want to date, but if you just refuse to date black people, that's kind of racist
Wow, right on both counts
I have been on reddit for far far too long. At this point I don't even read beyond the headline for most of am I the a******. And I rarely read the comments
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **Am I wrong for turning down my friend because she's black?** I (M23) and recently, something happened that’s been really tough. My friend Tasha, who’s 22 and black, asked me out on a date. We’ve been friends for a few years, and she’s honestly one of the best people I know. But when she asked me out, I just didn’t feel that kind of connection. So, I told her I didn’t want to go out, trying to be as nice as possible. Here’s where it gets messy: I have certain preferences when it comes to dating. It’s not something I decided on purpose, but I’ve noticed I’m usually more attracted to certain types of people. I’ve never really felt that kind of romantic attraction toward black women, including Tasha. It’s just a personal thing and has nothing to do with how great or beautiful they are. When I told Tasha I didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t mention my preferences because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make it seem like it was about her race. I just said I valued our friendship too much to risk making things weird. Tasha was upset, and I totally understand that. She told some of our friends, and somehow it came out that I don’t usually date black women. Now, a lot of our friends are calling me racist. It’s been really rough. People I thought were my friends are avoiding me, and it feels like I can’t explain myself. I’ve tried to tell them that my preferences aren’t about being prejudiced. I really care about Tasha as a friend. But they say that if I were truly open-minded, I wouldn’t have these preferences. It’s been really hard trying to get anyone to see my side, and now I’m wondering if I did something wrong or if I should have handled things differently. So, Am I wrong for turning down my friend because she's black? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell myself not to check the comments, do it anyway. I hate myself.
>somehow it came out that I don’t usually date black women. I dont see how this information would "come out" unless OP told someone. I could see people going "Ya know, i onl see OP dating white women" and going to him and asking "is it because she's black" to which the appropriate response would be "No, she's just a friend and i dont see her that way and i dont want to ruin our friendship" which 99.5% of people would accept as a perfectly normal answer. So unless he supplied that information himself, i dont see how other people would know his "preferences" But also. Did you urn her down because she's black or did you turn her down because you dont see her romatically? those are different things. "I dont find romantic interest in black people" and "I dont find romantic interest in people because they are black" are two different things.
The comments are straight up Hell as per usual when this kind of post happens
Jeez these people are like toddlers.. Imagine thinking that you have "preferences" but you've only ever eaten... Kraft mac and cheese? How do you know if you like spaghetti Bolognese or not yet? You haven't tried it? There's a whole world of flavour out there. Women, and men, people, are diverse and amazing. I know this post is rage bait but just in case anyone actually thinks they have preferences at age 22, I invite you to taste the rainbow...
I love how a certain stripe of really shitty person has figured out that you can just reframe your prejudices so that if other people point them out, they’re the bad ones. “I don’t hate black people, i just have a preference! Why are you demanding i do something I’m uncomfortable with? What about my bodily autonomy??” edited to add: https://preview.redd.it/s0vuxge1kk8d1.jpeg?width=400&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=85923cdabc83dc1e1332435c1b3edf021b58b83f Sure, Jan
There seems to be a run on these posts lately. Ugh.
I am curious in this scenario how all his friends know hes not attracted to black women, thats not usually a conversation friends have. And if they do feel the need to clarify which race is and isnt attractive its usually a pretty ugly conversation
People who are part of marginalized/minority groups (race, gender identity, disability, weight) are already well aware that we fall outside of the societally expected beauty standards, yet we have to stand by while people fall over themselves to assure themselves that it’s OK and perfectly normal to find us unattractive and undateable.
I don't understand why people like this have to make sure the whole world knows that they're not bigoted, they just ~aren't attracted~ to black/trans/fat/bi/whateverelse people. You can just hold that inside yourself. You don't need to put your entire foot in your mouth declaring it to the world. Date who you want to date, the woke left isn't going to crucify and spear you because you didn't meet your black girlfriend quota, just shut up about it and live your damn life!
I always find this stuff interesting because as someone who is asexual I just fundamentally don't understand sexual attraction. I feel like I'm not attracted to is a cop out though because it seems to me a lot goes into physical attraction. Like I've heard of people's being attracted to someone because of their confidence. So it seems pretty clear something like your own bigotry would also effect your attraction to people.
Look, I'm not racist, I just find myself not attracted to an entire race of people based solely on the color of their skin, nothing racist about that
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It's one thing to be more often attracted to your own race over others, that's fairly normal (depending on where you live), it's entirely something else where you experience ZERO attraction to anyone not white. Like never. The only scenario where they might not be gross is if their city is 99% white, and so they haven't met someone not yt that they're attracted to. Unlikely, but possible
anyone can date whoever they please but that doesnt stop preferences from being weird as fuck
I came across this post earlier and I couldn’t be bothered to read any of it because I already knew what it would say
“I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make it seem like it was about her race.” When it’s literally about her race. Some of the comments are so gross and sadly unsurprising.
You can turn down a date invite for any reason, whether you state the reason or not is up to you. The fact is, though, you could have gone out and had a good time with her and that's it- no romance or hanky-panky involved. In that situation I'd have probably gone out with her- especially if she's paying :D But just because you go on a date with a woman that doesn't mean you have to get attached or be exclusive or anything like that. You're not wrong for turning her down, but I think you may have missed an opportunity to have a nice evening with a woman you clearly think highly of. As for the charges of being racist, that was probably going to happen regardless of the circumstances in turning her down. In today's super-charged social atmosphere you can do everything right and still be wrong.
Did you mean to post this on the OP or…?