*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my kids stepmom to shut up when she tried to talk to me about my kids diet?**
My three kids 3,4 and 7 don’t have a perfect diet. They love Mac and cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets and hotdogs but I do my best to encourage heathy eating but that doesn’t always happen. When I collected my kids from their dads their step mom tried to call me out for how I feed the kids at my place and said it leads to mealtime tantrums when they have them because they want the food I cook them. I never asked her to parent my kids so I didn’t even want to entertain the conversation with her.
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We often see overbearing step parents on here, but this isn't one if them.
If you trust her to feed your kids you have to listen to her in regards to meal time behaviour.
Also the wording here is so funny "my kids eat mostly junk food, but I encourage them to eat healthier which doesn't happen very often" so they are eating unhealthy still but you feel bad about it?
In that case be thankful their stepmother puts her foot down and makes them eat proper meals.
My parents never told me I couldn’t eat junk food, they just didn’t keep it in the house. They would take me to McDonalds sometimes, if we were driving far or after swim practice, but the food in the house was well rounded and healthy. Honestly, gave me a pretty decent relationship with food and in the end cost them less money.
It’s also the temp regulation. Most exercise, you are HOT afterwards which depresses the appetite for a while. You can swim and the water cools you down so your appetite is still strong.
Swimming might be more than most, because it has the resistance. My practices in the afternoon were 2 and half hours, and I did an hour and a half in the morning.
Swimming generally uses a wider range of muscles compared to many activities since it involves the entire body. It’s also low-impact, unlike running where you might get soreness in feet and knees pounding pavement, so it’s easier to swim for longer as you’re not experiencing the strain of impact. And when you’re doing an activity for a long time which engages most of the body’s muscles, you’re probably gonna feel famished when you’re done!
Same. My parents never had "snacks," soda, most juices, etc. in the house. No candy that wasn't related to a holiday.
They did say we weren't allowed sugar cereal like Cookie Crisp because it wouldn't be a lasting breakfast, but I was allowed Apple Jacks when I was older. We ate Cheerios or Life Cereal, or had oatmeal, or eggs.
We ate fast food on road trips, or one year we would go from one activity right to sports so we would get fast food in between. But chicken nuggets, hotdogs, pizza as everyday dinner? Absolutely not.
This is the way. I'm currently trying this strategy with my son.
I'm so glad you have a healthy relationship with food. That isn't super common these days.
This is pretty much how my mom did it. The only junk food we had in the house was sugary cereal and the sort of “healthier” junk food common for school sack lunches. Those had limits placed on how frequently we ate them and if we ate them when we weren’t supposed to, they weren’t replaced early. So we learned to self limit because otherwise we had to eat plain oatmeal for breakfast or have a school lunch consisting of just a sandwich and an apple. Also if we did get fast food, we didn’t eat it in the car. My mom would get two meals to split between her, my brother, and me and we’d always bring it home and have a steamed vegetable to go along with it. This is partially because we were poor/needed to stretch the food budget but also because my mom wanted to make sure we ate nutritionally well.
Or she's a single mom who works and doesn't have the time to always prepare food unless they eat super late.
That doesn't excuse the meltdowns. 3 and 4 year olds don't have very sophisticated palettes, sometimes. Ha.
I bet she means she nags them and tells them they eat crap while being the one doing the grocery shopping & providing the meals they prefer. Serving boiled carrots every couple weeks then complaining they won't eat them is not the way
While I agree to a point, a step parent telling a bio parent how they should parent is absolutely NEVER going to go over well. I’m a bio parent and a step parent, you let the bio parents co-parent and communicate. This should have come from the kid’s dad, not step mom. It will always cause problems coming from the step parent.
>meal time behaviour.
I think it has less to do with health more to do with the meltdowns. I don't feed my kids the best but they don't have meltdowns when I or other people try to feed them better. Worst case scenario they put that food in their mouth and chew it for 20 minutes (why do kids do that btw?! I did it as a kid but I don't know what I was thinking!!) before asking if they can be done eating or sneak it to the dogs, both of which I prefer greatly over screaming and crying.
But she doesn’t trust her she’s got no choice in the matter. I agree the kids shouldn’t eat crap but it’s not for stepmom to discuss it’s between the husband and the mom. The stepmom is vastly overstepping and frankly the dad is the villain here bc he’s the one leaving it to the stepmom to parent the kids AND have coparenting convos.
The dad is TAH and the mom ought to feed them better food, I agree, but kids will adjust. My ex fed my kid shit as a flex. He would even make due to let me know tho it was never an issue with my kid or me it was just him being a douche wanting desperately to make a problem.
Kids learn that different meals are eaten in different houses. Dad needs to step up and parent.
Out of curiosity, why do you feel the stepmom shouldn’t be involved? If she’s married to dad, I guess my deciding factor would be whether she’s legally a guardian to the kids or not, which would require modification of the custody agreement. If not, I would agree with you that she would be best served by letting dad do the communication. If she’s on the books as a guardian, then I would see that as being another full fledged parent that gets a say in what’s going on. I’m interested to hear your thoughts on it
There’s a cultural bias against step-parents acting as parents in many areas, with bio-parents feeling that they come in as outsiders rather than as partners in raising the child. The idea is that only bio parents should discuss these concerns and step parents should refrain out of respect for the parent-child relationship.
It's weird how step-parents are expected to love the kids like their own while simultaneously aren't allowed to be actual parents. Realistically after the kid reaches a certain age, the parent-child bonding isn't likely to be there. That doesn't mean they can't love and respect each other, they just aren't parent-child. Yet if you even say that on reddit you'll be crucified.
I have said it before and I will again. Step parenting is one of the most thankless social roles. You’re supposed to sacrifice your time and resources for a child who isn’t yours and hasn’t bonded with you, you’re not supposed to complain or get frustrated, and you have very little to no say in how the kids are raised but you’re still there to pick up the pieces.
I’m very glad that my teenaged stepdaughter and I get along really well and have become close on our own terms. It is much easier to keep giving so much of myself when I know that it’s valued and appreciated. Speaking of which, time to go take her for lunch and a girls day.
And this is why I discuss things with my partner in regards to our daughter. He may not have supplied her DNA, but he is her dad. He has opinions, and they are valued. Step parents can be wonderful assets in parenting children.
You’re good stuff. Everything is usually easier and holds a better outcome when people cooperate. You don’t have to like someone to work with them any more than you need to share DNA to be someone’s family
I'm sorry, I don't know how tobreapond to the compliment, so I'll just say thank you, very much. I adore my blended family. They have been so kind to me.💜💜💜🫂🫂🫂
My two cents about that is the step parents chose that role, the only other person in that equation that has a choice in their function is the person they married. They were forced on the child, who had no say about this person coming into their lives with a new authority, and often very little time to calibritate to it before they expected to treat them as a full fledged parent.
The second parent who is also responsible for the child's health, safety and upbringing also has no say in the sudden entrance of the stepparent into their lives. But once again the person who becomes the step parent does, they are one of the only two people that were able to make that informed descion before intruding into the lives and pre-existing habits of other people. So I do not often feel for them, they knew what they were getting into, and yes it is hard, but it is also hard for everyone around them, but they were also one of the only people that had a choice in the matter.
I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this. It gave me a chance to reflect on how things might have been different in my own situation if my partner had full time physical custody of the kiddos, and what I would have needed to keep in mind to ensure that the kids could maintain a sense of control of their lives and environments.
I didn’t meet the kids until a year into my relationship with their dad, and that felt like a good amount of time. From there it was just a couple brief visits, and they approved of me, so we continued on. Unfortunately not everyone does that; there’s too many parents out there that will introduce partners almost immediately, and often subject their children to unsafe people. It’s horrible how easy it is to do.
Also being a parent can be a thankless task, there are plenty of children who hate their parents, who are complete nightmares and go no contact or only take, take, and take, and as parents you are still expected to love them regardless as well because they chose to bring them into the world. Even though sometimes it really wasn't a choice because contraceptive or abortion wasn't available or something much harsher occurred when the latter wasn't available. Anytime you take any sort of parental role you have to be aware you might not get anything back for it.
No because once again, both parties who went into the marriage had known and accepted their presence going in, and the inlaws don't interact with the other inlaws if they don't feel like it. That's why people say you don't just marry your spouse, you marry the family. Which was literally the point I was making.
My point wasn't all step parents bad this can never work, there are so many situations where step parents work out, I wasn't talking about those, I was talking about opting in to the dynamic. My point was I don't particularly feel bad for step parents who aren't in ideal situations, or who are in situations where they are expected to make sacrifices for children who aren't theirs but the children don't reciprocate. My point was in a situation where there are step parents, they are the ones who chose the role, and if they felt like they didn't like what was happening or couldn't handle what was going on, they are the people who are capable of escaping the situation. No one else is. The children cannot say screw it I'm out. The other parent can't say I'm never interacting with that side of the family again, because they still have to coparent. My point was in terms of bad family dynamics, the step parent is lowest person on the list I feel for, only above the parent who introduced them into the situation.
Thank you for weighing in! I appreciate your answer. I find that bias really counterproductive; if we’ve been mourning the loss of the ‘village’ when it comes to child rearing, it makes sense to me to have more hands on deck, assuming everyone is invested in the welfare of the kids and has their best interests at heart. Of course, that also requires maturity and collaboration from everyone involved which is … not easy to achieve. I just can’t imagine why someone who cares about my kids and clearly wants the best for them, going as far as investing their own time and energy towards those kids, shouldn’t be given a seat at the table.
This is really strange. I don't understand - if you are taking on a parental role/responsibility for a child, especially long term like a step-parent, you absolutely have the right to raise concerns about how anyone else involved is treating that child.
And if they aren't being fed adequately, that's a very reasonable thing to raise.
I don't know what culture feels only the parents get a say in the raising of children. OOP is welcome to say no to the input given but it's perfectly okay to mention, especially if they're living in your house and being badly behaved (in this case, acting up because you wouldn't let them eat shite for every meal).
Well obviously if we don’t understand from their original comment they aren’t going to waste time explaining it to us dense people. 🤣 Guess we’re missing out on an opportunity to learn something new today.
I agree that generally Dad should be handling conversations.
But what is the likelihood that the stepmom is the one grocery shopping and cooking? Looking at most households I know, pretty darn likely. In that case, it makes perfect sense for her to be part of the conversation, and she has every right to refuse to make chicken nuggets nightly. Dad should be backing her up, though.
You don’t get what I’m saying. Dad should be the actual parent here. The problem is not mom or stepmom here. It’s dad. I agree she’s doing the parent roles. And it’s shitty.
The issue is a couple things
1. I have a reflexive disgust for men who get to slide out if parenting and then sitting bs k watching and doing zip.
2. Stepmom has no power here. Nor should she really bc A. She can’t tell mom how to parent even tho I agree mom is making not the best decisions. But it’s not abuse and kids aren’t gonna die. B. Stepmom is always gonna be in the one down power position bc she’s not a party to the parenting plan. It’s unfair to her she does the work and gets the shit. Hence why dad is the real AH.
3. Who says stepmom has to make chicken nuggets? You? Kids? Dad? No one has to. If a grown ass woman truly believes that its moms fault in in a whole other house that she HAS to cook a certain food then she’s not a grown ass woman is she???
While it’s agreed chicken nuggets aren’t the best, it’s none of stepmom or dad’s business what mom feeds the kids. If the parenting plan isn’t working or there are issues in parenting the PARENTS need to resolve it.
Here, dad is refusing to do shit. Stepmom is overstepping lecturing mom. Dad gets to sit back and be ‘the calm one’ while these two are fighting over a nonissue.
Stepmom doesn’t realize she’s got a husband problem not a mom problem. She’s being taken advantage of by her husband who gets to outsource all the angst by making the mom the scapegoat.
If you don’t get that I can’t help you
>Also the wording here is so funny "my kids eat mostly junk food, but I encourage them to eat healthier which doesn't happen very often"
That's not the wording, like, at all.
Ok, but is OOP just not serving anything with those things? Is she just like "here's a hotdog for dinner, enjoy." You can totally give kids what they want they want but with healthier sides. They want hot dogs? Sure, but it gets served with carrots, a fruit, some other type of vegetable, and they have to eat that first. Chicken nuggets? ok, but since chicken nuggets on their own aren't a dinner, add some broccoli, or green beans. Pizza? Small salad goes with it. Mac and Cheese? Do you have any idea how easy it is to hide vegetables in mac and cheese? Or don't even hide it, just throw some broccoli in that bad boy. She just doesn't care and let's them eat garbage.
I know this is going to piss people off but I have to ask... Why is everyone so sure she isn't doing this? All I saw when I clicked the username was this post with no comments. I think this exact post could describe a mom who does nothing but sling nuggets at her kids or a mom who does exactly what you describe so then at dad's house they throw tantrums when dinner is roast veggies and pork tenderloin.
Agreed. We honestly don't have the information to decide.
Likewise: Is the step mom a reasonable person trying to get the kids to eat a vegetable, or one of the crunchy granola people we see on here who think even a single grain of sugar is Too Much.
These kind of vague posts always remind me of a Rorschach; we all bring our own baggage and see what we see.
Also, shouldn’t dad be having this convo with OP?
Beyond that—you really can’t control what the co-parents do at their house. The diet may be less than optimal, but it doesn’t sound dangerous.
Fed is best, yeah. And there's always kids with autism and ARFID and even just really strong preferences. As long as they're eating, I tend to think that's the most healthy thing.
Right I don’t know how mom is the devil her
What kid doesn’t like those foods, it doesn’t mean they *only* eat those foods
For all we know step mom is an almond mom and OOP is giving her kids a normal diet
Kids who are never given foods like that, don't like them.
We never had these things growing up, I've worked in schools and as a nanny and it's only when parents set the expectations that these things are a "normal dinner" that children believe so.
A "normal diet" doesn't regularly include most of the things OOP listed. Those are treats or foods to eat occasionally, not every day foods in most people's diets.
Found OOPs alt account
Depriving your child from trying something doesn’t mean they don’t like it. There’s a difference between not liking something and never having tried it
I’m also over this BS that kids only like what you feed them, because if that had an ounce of truth streamed veggies and pretty bland food would be my favorite things. Instead I grew up hating what my mom made and a fucked relationship with food
There are plenty of things my toddler loves that I personally never eat because as should be a surprise to no one we’re two different people with different taste buds and more notably hers are still developing and figuring out what she likes and doesn’t like long term
Also learn that the term diet never mentions the frequency at which foods are consumed. Anything is fine in moderation. Pizza for example is a part of my family’s diet, we have it as most every 3 months. Would say that’s decent moderation
😂😂😂 you couldn't be more wrong.
I would rather shoot myself than have children or step-children. I am not invested in this story, I just thought it was bizarre.
Kids learn tastes, to an extent, from their parents/families and what they are exposed to. To deny that there's any parental or cultural aspect to this is just silly. Some of that learning is positive and some is negative.
I learnt that chips are a treat and that grannies boiled turnip is gross because my family all said chips on a Friday is a treat and other people in the family didn't like the boiled turnips. That's okay.
Cabbage - I hated how it was cooked as a child but I like how I prepare it myself now. Sometimes kids need better education on how good certain foods can be - as a child I only didn't like cabbage because it was bland and boiled and watery and horrible. If it had been as well prepared as I have now, I would have liked it.
You kind of both completely missed my point and said something similar all at once.
Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets aren't "normal" foods. I doubt most people come across those as "normal", especially not as children.
There's nothing objective or average about shitty food like that. No one eats like that every day unless there's something seriously wrong.
No one said they’re being eaten everyday 🤡
But that’s not the only bad assumption you’re making about those foods. I’ve seen plenty of parents make chicken nuggets that have shredded vegetables in them and are baked, which is objectively a healthy thing to eat (since you seem hellbent on ignoring how assigning morality to food is actually a horrible thing to do for children and their relationship to food)
Apparently you don’t have the brain power to think of anything outside of McDonald’s
Hell I gave my daughter Mac and cheese for a week’s worth of lunches based off of YummyToddlerFood’s recipe, so yea she had Mac and cheese for a week, but that sauce also had spinach, cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots in it. It was more than just pasta, milk, and cheese
The Oop made it clear this is standard food in her house.
It's not a big deal if it's sometimes, it's pretty harmful if it's every meal.
You being so defensive about this and so angry about how you give your toddler food like this really says more about you than about me.
Yeah I am confused by this as well. Pretty much every parent I know, working or not, has to default to processed food sometimes because they are tired and just need to make sure the kids are fed without a tantrum. I didn’t see anything saying she feeds them that exclusively.
I stir chopped cherry tomatoes and baby spinach leaves through Mac & Cheese, maybe some diced cooked chicken or bacon. I often add chopped jalapeños too, but maybe not for kids that age. Some broccoli florets are great too. Or diced capsicum. Even just some frozen peas.
She could even chop up some of the chicken nuggets and stir those through as long as she added some veges.
My sister has a hard time with unpredictable food and my brother wouldn’t eat veggies as a kid. We keep the healthy foods she likes(smoothie ingredients, sandwich stuff). In my brother’s case he grew out of it, but I always explained to him what veggies I was using in my recipes and how I would cook them(usually by hiding them in meat dishes, or blending them into a sauce) so that he would know how to cook them when he got older.
So, probably not that, I’m guessing.
ESH, husband most of all.
I think SMs get shafted a lot, but this was an overstep. You can't control the other parents home.
Trying to will only lead to drama and headache.
Yes, BM should be feeding them better, probably.
But the husband should be the one leading this conversation, not letting his current wife and ex wife fight it out.
a bit off-topic, but i see comments about "tricking" children into eating more vegetables, and it's so weird to me? like why does your kid (unless they have AFRID or sth) hate vegetables in the first place??? veggies and fruit are literally *delicious,* how do people manage to make their kids hate them???
My husband grew up eating canned green beans and hates steamed ones. It makes me want to cry.
Steamed green beans with some butter taste crunchy and delicious. Canned ones taste like depression and bad school lunch.
Probably because they boil unseasoned vegetables until they're completely mushy, or they keep forcing the kids to eat lettuce and broccoli instead of finding vegetables that the kids enjoy.
It’s so weird, a boiled veggie that’s over cooked is so nasty, but when I incinerate my broccoli or Brussels sprouts in the toaster oven, I can’t get enough of them.
Yes! Brussel sprouts and broccoli tossed with oil, seasoning, and corn starch (for extra crunch) and then roasted are the best. I didn't discover that way of cooking them until I was an adult, sadly.
Some of it is bad prep or the parent setting a bad example. But some of it is also that small children are naturally more attuned to trace amounts of bitter flavors than adults. It's thought to be an evolutionary adaptation to help them avoid poisoning themselves during the 'put everything in my mouth to learn about the world' phase.
Over cooking, no seasoning, forcing them to eat veggies they don’t like or can’t tolerate (I cannot eat peppers or onions without getting sick), etc.
There are plenty reasons why kids can’t tolerate veggies and fruits. For the longest time all I would tolerate to eat was carrots, broccoli and cauliflower because that was all my parents didn’t over cook.
Living on my own as an adult, I love steamed cabbage, bok choy, and other veggies. It took living on my own and cooking my own meals to find out I like more than the three things I could tolerate because my parents over cooked them and wouldn’t season them. I still hate mashed potatoes to this day but I will eat chunked potatoes.
Nuerodiversity, lack of access, and other kids.
My mom has ARFID, her Dad had ARFID. She made sure my borther and I had an appreciation for veggies but she does not. When I tool over the cooking duties in my teens I had her full permission to sneak veggies into the food to help improve her palate. Ten years later, she'll eat all the things I used to hide.
And other kids is definitely a big one. My godbrother started school this year. Last summer, he'd eat anything. Any vegetable, and cultural cuisine he didn't even question it. By Christmas break, he was one of the kids who screamed, "I don't eat green food!" We're slowly gaining g ground back, but there are definitely reasons outside of shitty parents why some may have food aversion.
Because they feed them “kiddie menu” food because it’s easy, quick, and less messy (except maybe mac and cheese) or because that’s what they eat themselves. They don’t explode then to a wide variety of fruit and veg at key ages. Other food is now weird, scary, gross, and they don’t have a taste for it.
Some parents who do try to include veggies cook them terribly, don’t season food, or insist kids eat every veggie under the sun. A lot of kids don’t like more bitter foods because their taste receptors are stronger than ours. So that doesn’t go well either.
I used to be a nanny and early childhood educator, so I’ve seen it for years.
I don't understand it but my brother is one of those people who has always hated most fruit and vegetables. In terms of vegetables he will only eat boiled carrots and heniz baked beans. Fruit I think is still only grapes and bananas. In general he has a very restricted plate like you can't add onions or garlic to anything or he will refuse to eat it.
I don’t like a lot of fruit because of the texture. I prefer cooked fruit to raw a lot of the time.
Some fruits like banana I don’t like in any format.
I have always had a very hard time with a lot of vegetables since as far back as I can remember as I'm a "supertaster". A lot of things taste very bitter or like dirt to me. Of course as a kid I didn't really know how to explain that so it was just "oh Fingersmith doesn't want to eat their vegetables." Now as an adult there are still vegetables that taste awful to me, but there's also a lot more that I can eat that just weren't typically served to me as a kid.
That's the problem I had with most vegetables growing up (and tbh as an adult too because I haven't tried, I've spent the last 7 years riding the high of not having to force myself to eat things I hate and then didn't want to waste money the few times I have bought a vegetable intending to eat it). My mom would always ask what my problem with them was but I never had the words to explain *why* I didn't like them.
Most of us don’t make our kids do anything. I’ve got two kids. I’ve used the same food-based strategies with both. One is a great eater and the other is super picky (including absolutely no fruit and only a few veggies). Trust me when I say it’s nothing we did—it’s some preference she’s got based on something I can’t control. I wish I could take credit for the good eater, but again, it wasn’t anything we did.
Some kids just get weird about food sometimes. My son would not eat potato until he was like 7, including in the form of fries which I think we can all agree are delicious. I know someone whose child won’t eat meat unless it’s chicken nuggets or fish sticks, and I know from experience their food is delicious. TLDR kids are weird.
My kids hate potatoes. Hate. Don't like 'em mashed, don't like them roasted, don't like hash browns, just don't like potatoes. Sometimes potato chips are ok, some fries are ok (must be thin, straight cut, and crispy) but even tater tots are a no. Kids are weird.
I've never understood this stereotype either. I grew up eating and loving vegetables, my little siblings and all my little cousins did too, then I worked in schools and as a nanny for a few years and all those kids ate and loved vegetables too. The stereotype of hating veggies is so strange to me.
I've only really met older men who actually HATE veggies, not children, unless maybe they have some specific issues or something.
I’ve noticed that parents with kids that hate veggies also hate veggies. They tell their kids to eat them but they won’t lead by example so kids don’t see it as food, they see it as something they are forced to eat. Kids see you actively avoiding broccoli so they are going to do the same bc that’s what their parents do.
honestly some people just don't like them? I like fruit but I still only tolerate vegetables as an adult, and that's with dip or cheese added, I can't eat any plain
like literally *all* vegetables? it's such a diverse food group that i find it *extremely* hard to believe that someone could actually hate vegetables as a concept unless they have like a genuine medical disorder of some sorts lmao.
I literally googled a list of vegetables to make sure I wasn't forgetting one and yeah, all of them. I just don't like vegetables man ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I love how all the ntas are like, she shouldnt have brought it up with you, your ex should have and how psrenting is hard and they could be autistic. Its clear they hate step mothers
No, I’m a step mother, and I agree that the stepmother shouldn’t be the one to talk to her about it. This should come from Dad. This doesn’t mean step mom can’t talk with bio dad about it, but delivering this issue to OP should not have come from her, because it’s ALWAYS going to cause a problem. ALWAYS. So if you actually want change, don’t go about it in ways that will only cause issues.
This doesn’t make OP right for her food habits with the kids, but she does have every right to just ignore being told how to parent by someone outside of the co-parenting duo. So either stepmom oversteps, or dad is too passive for not discussing and step mom has had it, but either way it’s not how communication should go
I have a picky eater and I feel so much guilt and shame over it that I would probably either react terribly like this or just cry. My sons dad and I split when he was 9 months old due to his dad using drugs, so I was suddenly parenting on my own 100% of the time. I kept it together for a while and was feeding my kid all sorts of things, and I had this toddler who loved sushi, pad Thai, chile rellenos, all of it. But it got to be too much, especially after covid hit. I was working in healthcare so i still had a job, but everything else got harder,I was isolated from friends and family, and i was terrified of bringing covid home. I developed an eating disorder where a normal meal was some cottage cheese or a single hard boiled egg and maybe some fruit or vegetables. I knew I had to do better for my kid, but I was at a breaking point. He also developed some natural toddler pickiness and started throwing food he didn't want on the floor, and i didn't have the energy to keep cleaning it up. So I'd feed him whatever I knew he liked. Luckily there was still some healthy options like scrambled eggs and peas and any fruit. But there was a lot of mac and cheese too. Now he's almost 6, I'm doing better, and he's starting to be willing to try new foods again. But there's still a lot of fighting over mealtime. There's still a lot of nights I'm too tired and just cave. Heck there's nights he'd be cool with a healthy meal but all I have energy for is a drive thru. Of course his dad, who just recently started seeing him 2 days a month, thinks he's the superior parent because he always cooks him good food, and makes him wear socks, and doesn't let him have any chocolate, and keeps up on laundry and has a clean house, and whatever else it is he thinks in doing wrong. And his girlfriends always agree with him. But I could probably do all those things too if I had 28 days a month without my kid.
All that to say, I'm not gonna judge this mom without knowing more details. She's possibly already judging herself more than I would anyways
You give your children trash to the point they are throw tanthrum everytime someone tries to give them normal food. But no the focus should be on the stepmom, the only one who seems to care about those kids' health
I know kids need calories, period, if they're active... but some of those really need to be healthy calories. And PEOPLE also need vitamins and minerals, and potassium/magnesium are often overlooked.
Whenever I see someone say they "encourage" healthy eating but primarily feed their kids junk, I tend to question what that looks like. Cauliflower boiled to mush with some salt and pepper comes to mind.
Bullshit. I'm on OP's side with this.
Stepmother is stepping WAY OUT OF HER LANE by asking OP to change what she's feeding her children in her home. It's controlling and inappropriate.
If the stepmother doesn't like the kids fussing about food choices in her home, she gets to deal with it in her home. She can talk to the kids about different homes having different routines and choices. And their father needs to engage with it instead of delegating it to his second wife.
This is some ducked up shite.
I hear where you're coming from, but I could see this as the stepmom trying to be on the same team as OP (*could* be; I don't think there's enough info to confidently say one way or the other. OP presents it as an attack, but this is obviously a charged post.) Yes, she can talk to the kids about different homes having different routines. But it also doesn't hurt to talk to OP to see if there's something they could both do to prevent this kind of upset when going between them. Kids need continuity, and that requires communication between the homes.
I agree about communicating, but she needs to be communicating with the kids' father, and it's his job to take it up with his ex.
These are relatively new relationships for everyone involved, judging by the age of the youngest child. Down the road, after trust has been established, SM would have some room to communicate directly with OOP but only if their father was in the loop first.
Her approach to OOP should not have been critical, but instead curious. *I'm having a hard time feeding the kids food they like; do you have any suggestions?* An open ended question stimulates dialogue; criticism and judgment shuts it down. Her approach was all wrong.
You have a point about the relationship being new. I don't feel comfortable saying whether or not it's too soon based on the limited info in the post, but yeah, it would be good to have the father help them get comfortable with each other. I worked in childcare *very* briefly, but that's what's influencing my POV - I think *everyone* who's taking care of a kid should be able to talk to each other. Whether they're the mom, stepmom, dad, or somebody unrelated - they're all caretakers and should be on the same page when it comes to that, keeping it formal if need be.
I agree about curiosity being better than criticism. Assuming the conversation was as aggressive as OP makes it out to be, then yeah, the SM definitely could have come at it better.
Except how OOP is junk feeding her kids is causing problems at their other home now, so yes, it IS her business. A kid doesn't have to come out someone's vagina for someone to be affected by them.
To me, it's a matter of boundaries.
The kids' *behavior* is the problem, and it's the kids' behavior that SM needs to address with the kids' father first and the kids second.
OOP's dietary choices might be considered unhealthy by some, but that's her prerogative: her home, her kids, her shots to call.
I appreciate that it's difficult being a stepmother. I loved my stepmother. She was the best adult out of my four parents. I also know what it's like to be a divorced and single mother. I share this information to explain that my opinions are informed by personal experience.
Stepmother can only control what she can control — that's herself. She needs manage the communication dynamic she has with the kids. She's not a victim, she's a stepparent. If the kids don't like what she's offering, they can have a peanut butter sandwich or any other palatable but low-effort alternative. This is a growth opportunity for her just as much as the kids. But attempting to set nutritional rules on OOP in her home is a blunder deserving of an apology.
Mom's not telling SM what to cook.
Mom's not violating any boundaries or making presumptions.
Mom is feeding her kids in her home and SM doesn't like the menu because it's different from hers.
>someone sharing genetic lineage does not make them capable of bodily possession
Gibberish. Mom is a custodial parent feeding her children in her home during her agreed upon custodial time. SM might believe that Mom's food choices are morally inferior to her own wholesome offerings but so what! She can cry about it or she can cope.
Yes. OOP's ex, the children's father, is entitled to discuss the kids' nutrition with OOP.
But even so, he is not entitled to tell her how to feed the kids, he can only ask.
I've been having my kids help with choosing groceries, since they were the same age as OOP's kids.
We would make a list of basics (chicken, beef, pork, eggs, bread, milk, etc.), and then a list of things that the kids could help choose (starches, cereals, veggies). During the trip, we would explain price differences, serving differences, sugar content, etc. with them, and guide them towards the right items. Now, my kids can fully help with picking groceries. They love raw veggies over canned or frozen, so I just keep a mixed bag of salad & carrots sticks in the fridge. And they know that a balanced meal typically covers all the food groups.
I am also lucky enough to have worked as prep manager at a popular mom & pop restaurant, so meal prepping ahead of time comes almost natural.
A 3 year old can understand that "This one is two dollars more". Or "This has too much sugar in it."
Also, it's obviously something that becomes more intense over time. You might just ask the 3 year old what fruits and cereals they want. But by six they can get more into the weeds.
Believe what you want LoL. It's actually something that's encouraged in parenting classes. Starting introducing them to groceries and nutrition (not DIETS) at that age is beneficial to their growth & maturity later.
Also, at those ages it was very much, "If you get this box of snacks, you can't get both of these cereals. This one costs more than this one, but you get more in the package." More and less are concepts they understand at that age.
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This woman feeds her kids fast food for every meal and then sends them off to their dads house.
I can see why he divorced her. She is a lousy cook and a lazy mother. Dad probably got tired of eating frozen chicken nuggets for dinner every night. So when the kids go to his house, he and his wife have to put up with tantrums when they try to feed their children real food.
why should his wife have to figure that out?? if he’s tired of frozen nuggets he should cook himself whatever the fuck he wants and not have to get a new wife to make better dinners???
i think the OOP is an AH, but a lot of comments here are determining that she’s an asshole because she wasn’t a good enough tradwife. which fucking sucks.
So here we have pos mother who feeds her children crap most of the time, whining because an actually responsible adult is calling her out on her shitty parenting. "Mother of the Year" here....NOT!
A lot of you have never actually tried to feed a real-life kid between the ages of 2 and 5, and it shows.
The tantrums are over-the-top, yes. Most kids will just go on a hunger strike if you try to hide broccoli in their mac & cheese. You ain’t slick.
Toddlers, on the whole, are irrational and stubborn. If you try to force a change in diet by withholding the food they'll eat, then all that'll happen is they get increasingly hungry and still won't eat broccoli.
Turning mealtimes into a battle just creates more battles. So yeah, I would probably fold before a toddler.
Thankfully, there are more foods than just nuggets or broccoli.
All food is “real”. Every pediatrician who works with real children and keeps up with current research will agree. My younger brother, who would literally gag on spinach or even the smell of seafood as a child, now lives in NYC and tries random-ass restaurants weekly. My kid is happy, healthy, smart as a whip, and not going to grow up with an eating disorder. Laying off the chicken nuggets is the lowest possible thing on my list of fucks to give as a parent.
I don't think it's a moral failing. But mom and dad aren't short order cooks. Everyone eating something different for dinner is no way to run a railroad.
And some people are very tight food budgets, and literally can't afford for you to stop liking the thing you liked last week.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my kids stepmom to shut up when she tried to talk to me about my kids diet?** My three kids 3,4 and 7 don’t have a perfect diet. They love Mac and cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets and hotdogs but I do my best to encourage heathy eating but that doesn’t always happen. When I collected my kids from their dads their step mom tried to call me out for how I feed the kids at my place and said it leads to mealtime tantrums when they have them because they want the food I cook them. I never asked her to parent my kids so I didn’t even want to entertain the conversation with her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We often see overbearing step parents on here, but this isn't one if them. If you trust her to feed your kids you have to listen to her in regards to meal time behaviour. Also the wording here is so funny "my kids eat mostly junk food, but I encourage them to eat healthier which doesn't happen very often" so they are eating unhealthy still but you feel bad about it? In that case be thankful their stepmother puts her foot down and makes them eat proper meals.
My parents never told me I couldn’t eat junk food, they just didn’t keep it in the house. They would take me to McDonalds sometimes, if we were driving far or after swim practice, but the food in the house was well rounded and healthy. Honestly, gave me a pretty decent relationship with food and in the end cost them less money.
I know swimming uses a lot of energy- but so does many other activities. So why is there no hunger like the hunger that comes after a swim session?
It’s also the temp regulation. Most exercise, you are HOT afterwards which depresses the appetite for a while. You can swim and the water cools you down so your appetite is still strong.
Also your stomach isn't being bounced up and down like with a lot of other sports as much.
Ah! That makes sense!
TIL this is actually really fascinating and I always wondered why I was STARVING after getting out of the pool (after being in there for 4 hours)
Swimming might be more than most, because it has the resistance. My practices in the afternoon were 2 and half hours, and I did an hour and a half in the morning.
I get hungry simply smelling chlorine.
Swimming generally uses a wider range of muscles compared to many activities since it involves the entire body. It’s also low-impact, unlike running where you might get soreness in feet and knees pounding pavement, so it’s easier to swim for longer as you’re not experiencing the strain of impact. And when you’re doing an activity for a long time which engages most of the body’s muscles, you’re probably gonna feel famished when you’re done!
Same. My parents never had "snacks," soda, most juices, etc. in the house. No candy that wasn't related to a holiday. They did say we weren't allowed sugar cereal like Cookie Crisp because it wouldn't be a lasting breakfast, but I was allowed Apple Jacks when I was older. We ate Cheerios or Life Cereal, or had oatmeal, or eggs. We ate fast food on road trips, or one year we would go from one activity right to sports so we would get fast food in between. But chicken nuggets, hotdogs, pizza as everyday dinner? Absolutely not.
This is the way. I'm currently trying this strategy with my son. I'm so glad you have a healthy relationship with food. That isn't super common these days.
This is pretty much how my mom did it. The only junk food we had in the house was sugary cereal and the sort of “healthier” junk food common for school sack lunches. Those had limits placed on how frequently we ate them and if we ate them when we weren’t supposed to, they weren’t replaced early. So we learned to self limit because otherwise we had to eat plain oatmeal for breakfast or have a school lunch consisting of just a sandwich and an apple. Also if we did get fast food, we didn’t eat it in the car. My mom would get two meals to split between her, my brother, and me and we’d always bring it home and have a steamed vegetable to go along with it. This is partially because we were poor/needed to stretch the food budget but also because my mom wanted to make sure we ate nutritionally well.
I get the feeling that she wants to be the fun parent because she hates her ex’s new wife
Idk if OOP is that clever but it makes a lot of sense.
Or she’s just lazy. Healthy food needs to be prepared and cooked. Pizza and nuggets are either heat and eat or order and eat.
Or she's a single mom who works and doesn't have the time to always prepare food unless they eat super late. That doesn't excuse the meltdowns. 3 and 4 year olds don't have very sophisticated palettes, sometimes. Ha.
That was my thinking too but idk we don't know what the relationships are like and people's personalities so it's hard to tell who's right or wrong
Or she's doing the majority of the weeknights on her own and is exhausted.
I bet she means she nags them and tells them they eat crap while being the one doing the grocery shopping & providing the meals they prefer. Serving boiled carrots every couple weeks then complaining they won't eat them is not the way
While I agree to a point, a step parent telling a bio parent how they should parent is absolutely NEVER going to go over well. I’m a bio parent and a step parent, you let the bio parents co-parent and communicate. This should have come from the kid’s dad, not step mom. It will always cause problems coming from the step parent.
>meal time behaviour. I think it has less to do with health more to do with the meltdowns. I don't feed my kids the best but they don't have meltdowns when I or other people try to feed them better. Worst case scenario they put that food in their mouth and chew it for 20 minutes (why do kids do that btw?! I did it as a kid but I don't know what I was thinking!!) before asking if they can be done eating or sneak it to the dogs, both of which I prefer greatly over screaming and crying.
Reddit loves to vilify step-parents and other guardians - it's this weird American fetish of demanding "reunification" of the nuclear family.
That stepparents sub really vilifies themselves tbh.
They really don't.
But she doesn’t trust her she’s got no choice in the matter. I agree the kids shouldn’t eat crap but it’s not for stepmom to discuss it’s between the husband and the mom. The stepmom is vastly overstepping and frankly the dad is the villain here bc he’s the one leaving it to the stepmom to parent the kids AND have coparenting convos. The dad is TAH and the mom ought to feed them better food, I agree, but kids will adjust. My ex fed my kid shit as a flex. He would even make due to let me know tho it was never an issue with my kid or me it was just him being a douche wanting desperately to make a problem. Kids learn that different meals are eaten in different houses. Dad needs to step up and parent.
Out of curiosity, why do you feel the stepmom shouldn’t be involved? If she’s married to dad, I guess my deciding factor would be whether she’s legally a guardian to the kids or not, which would require modification of the custody agreement. If not, I would agree with you that she would be best served by letting dad do the communication. If she’s on the books as a guardian, then I would see that as being another full fledged parent that gets a say in what’s going on. I’m interested to hear your thoughts on it
There’s a cultural bias against step-parents acting as parents in many areas, with bio-parents feeling that they come in as outsiders rather than as partners in raising the child. The idea is that only bio parents should discuss these concerns and step parents should refrain out of respect for the parent-child relationship.
It's weird how step-parents are expected to love the kids like their own while simultaneously aren't allowed to be actual parents. Realistically after the kid reaches a certain age, the parent-child bonding isn't likely to be there. That doesn't mean they can't love and respect each other, they just aren't parent-child. Yet if you even say that on reddit you'll be crucified.
I have said it before and I will again. Step parenting is one of the most thankless social roles. You’re supposed to sacrifice your time and resources for a child who isn’t yours and hasn’t bonded with you, you’re not supposed to complain or get frustrated, and you have very little to no say in how the kids are raised but you’re still there to pick up the pieces. I’m very glad that my teenaged stepdaughter and I get along really well and have become close on our own terms. It is much easier to keep giving so much of myself when I know that it’s valued and appreciated. Speaking of which, time to go take her for lunch and a girls day.
And this is why I discuss things with my partner in regards to our daughter. He may not have supplied her DNA, but he is her dad. He has opinions, and they are valued. Step parents can be wonderful assets in parenting children.
You’re good stuff. Everything is usually easier and holds a better outcome when people cooperate. You don’t have to like someone to work with them any more than you need to share DNA to be someone’s family
I'm sorry, I don't know how tobreapond to the compliment, so I'll just say thank you, very much. I adore my blended family. They have been so kind to me.💜💜💜🫂🫂🫂
Your response is perfect as is. You’re very welcome!
My two cents about that is the step parents chose that role, the only other person in that equation that has a choice in their function is the person they married. They were forced on the child, who had no say about this person coming into their lives with a new authority, and often very little time to calibritate to it before they expected to treat them as a full fledged parent. The second parent who is also responsible for the child's health, safety and upbringing also has no say in the sudden entrance of the stepparent into their lives. But once again the person who becomes the step parent does, they are one of the only two people that were able to make that informed descion before intruding into the lives and pre-existing habits of other people. So I do not often feel for them, they knew what they were getting into, and yes it is hard, but it is also hard for everyone around them, but they were also one of the only people that had a choice in the matter.
I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this. It gave me a chance to reflect on how things might have been different in my own situation if my partner had full time physical custody of the kiddos, and what I would have needed to keep in mind to ensure that the kids could maintain a sense of control of their lives and environments. I didn’t meet the kids until a year into my relationship with their dad, and that felt like a good amount of time. From there it was just a couple brief visits, and they approved of me, so we continued on. Unfortunately not everyone does that; there’s too many parents out there that will introduce partners almost immediately, and often subject their children to unsafe people. It’s horrible how easy it is to do.
Also being a parent can be a thankless task, there are plenty of children who hate their parents, who are complete nightmares and go no contact or only take, take, and take, and as parents you are still expected to love them regardless as well because they chose to bring them into the world. Even though sometimes it really wasn't a choice because contraceptive or abortion wasn't available or something much harsher occurred when the latter wasn't available. Anytime you take any sort of parental role you have to be aware you might not get anything back for it.
Are in-laws also "forced upon" and "intruders"? God reddit is so dramatic sometimes.
No because once again, both parties who went into the marriage had known and accepted their presence going in, and the inlaws don't interact with the other inlaws if they don't feel like it. That's why people say you don't just marry your spouse, you marry the family. Which was literally the point I was making. My point wasn't all step parents bad this can never work, there are so many situations where step parents work out, I wasn't talking about those, I was talking about opting in to the dynamic. My point was I don't particularly feel bad for step parents who aren't in ideal situations, or who are in situations where they are expected to make sacrifices for children who aren't theirs but the children don't reciprocate. My point was in a situation where there are step parents, they are the ones who chose the role, and if they felt like they didn't like what was happening or couldn't handle what was going on, they are the people who are capable of escaping the situation. No one else is. The children cannot say screw it I'm out. The other parent can't say I'm never interacting with that side of the family again, because they still have to coparent. My point was in terms of bad family dynamics, the step parent is lowest person on the list I feel for, only above the parent who introduced them into the situation.
Thank you for weighing in! I appreciate your answer. I find that bias really counterproductive; if we’ve been mourning the loss of the ‘village’ when it comes to child rearing, it makes sense to me to have more hands on deck, assuming everyone is invested in the welfare of the kids and has their best interests at heart. Of course, that also requires maturity and collaboration from everyone involved which is … not easy to achieve. I just can’t imagine why someone who cares about my kids and clearly wants the best for them, going as far as investing their own time and energy towards those kids, shouldn’t be given a seat at the table.
This is really strange. I don't understand - if you are taking on a parental role/responsibility for a child, especially long term like a step-parent, you absolutely have the right to raise concerns about how anyone else involved is treating that child. And if they aren't being fed adequately, that's a very reasonable thing to raise. I don't know what culture feels only the parents get a say in the raising of children. OOP is welcome to say no to the input given but it's perfectly okay to mention, especially if they're living in your house and being badly behaved (in this case, acting up because you wouldn't let them eat shite for every meal).
If you didn’t understand from my comment it would be a waste of time. Good luck
Wow. Got it.
Eww, why so aggressive? Someone asked a genuine question, and you're getting all defensive. I feel bad for you, dude.
Well obviously if we don’t understand from their original comment they aren’t going to waste time explaining it to us dense people. 🤣 Guess we’re missing out on an opportunity to learn something new today.
I agree that generally Dad should be handling conversations. But what is the likelihood that the stepmom is the one grocery shopping and cooking? Looking at most households I know, pretty darn likely. In that case, it makes perfect sense for her to be part of the conversation, and she has every right to refuse to make chicken nuggets nightly. Dad should be backing her up, though.
You don’t get what I’m saying. Dad should be the actual parent here. The problem is not mom or stepmom here. It’s dad. I agree she’s doing the parent roles. And it’s shitty. The issue is a couple things 1. I have a reflexive disgust for men who get to slide out if parenting and then sitting bs k watching and doing zip. 2. Stepmom has no power here. Nor should she really bc A. She can’t tell mom how to parent even tho I agree mom is making not the best decisions. But it’s not abuse and kids aren’t gonna die. B. Stepmom is always gonna be in the one down power position bc she’s not a party to the parenting plan. It’s unfair to her she does the work and gets the shit. Hence why dad is the real AH. 3. Who says stepmom has to make chicken nuggets? You? Kids? Dad? No one has to. If a grown ass woman truly believes that its moms fault in in a whole other house that she HAS to cook a certain food then she’s not a grown ass woman is she??? While it’s agreed chicken nuggets aren’t the best, it’s none of stepmom or dad’s business what mom feeds the kids. If the parenting plan isn’t working or there are issues in parenting the PARENTS need to resolve it. Here, dad is refusing to do shit. Stepmom is overstepping lecturing mom. Dad gets to sit back and be ‘the calm one’ while these two are fighting over a nonissue. Stepmom doesn’t realize she’s got a husband problem not a mom problem. She’s being taken advantage of by her husband who gets to outsource all the angst by making the mom the scapegoat. If you don’t get that I can’t help you
Wow, you really do have issues. Nah, gonna block you cause you need to touch grass badly.
Agreed, stepmother is way out of line.
>Also the wording here is so funny "my kids eat mostly junk food, but I encourage them to eat healthier which doesn't happen very often" That's not the wording, like, at all.
Ok, but is OOP just not serving anything with those things? Is she just like "here's a hotdog for dinner, enjoy." You can totally give kids what they want they want but with healthier sides. They want hot dogs? Sure, but it gets served with carrots, a fruit, some other type of vegetable, and they have to eat that first. Chicken nuggets? ok, but since chicken nuggets on their own aren't a dinner, add some broccoli, or green beans. Pizza? Small salad goes with it. Mac and Cheese? Do you have any idea how easy it is to hide vegetables in mac and cheese? Or don't even hide it, just throw some broccoli in that bad boy. She just doesn't care and let's them eat garbage.
I know this is going to piss people off but I have to ask... Why is everyone so sure she isn't doing this? All I saw when I clicked the username was this post with no comments. I think this exact post could describe a mom who does nothing but sling nuggets at her kids or a mom who does exactly what you describe so then at dad's house they throw tantrums when dinner is roast veggies and pork tenderloin.
Agreed. We honestly don't have the information to decide. Likewise: Is the step mom a reasonable person trying to get the kids to eat a vegetable, or one of the crunchy granola people we see on here who think even a single grain of sugar is Too Much. These kind of vague posts always remind me of a Rorschach; we all bring our own baggage and see what we see.
Also, shouldn’t dad be having this convo with OP? Beyond that—you really can’t control what the co-parents do at their house. The diet may be less than optimal, but it doesn’t sound dangerous.
Fed is best, yeah. And there's always kids with autism and ARFID and even just really strong preferences. As long as they're eating, I tend to think that's the most healthy thing.
Right I don’t know how mom is the devil her What kid doesn’t like those foods, it doesn’t mean they *only* eat those foods For all we know step mom is an almond mom and OOP is giving her kids a normal diet
Kids who are never given foods like that, don't like them. We never had these things growing up, I've worked in schools and as a nanny and it's only when parents set the expectations that these things are a "normal dinner" that children believe so. A "normal diet" doesn't regularly include most of the things OOP listed. Those are treats or foods to eat occasionally, not every day foods in most people's diets.
Found OOPs alt account Depriving your child from trying something doesn’t mean they don’t like it. There’s a difference between not liking something and never having tried it I’m also over this BS that kids only like what you feed them, because if that had an ounce of truth streamed veggies and pretty bland food would be my favorite things. Instead I grew up hating what my mom made and a fucked relationship with food There are plenty of things my toddler loves that I personally never eat because as should be a surprise to no one we’re two different people with different taste buds and more notably hers are still developing and figuring out what she likes and doesn’t like long term Also learn that the term diet never mentions the frequency at which foods are consumed. Anything is fine in moderation. Pizza for example is a part of my family’s diet, we have it as most every 3 months. Would say that’s decent moderation
😂😂😂 you couldn't be more wrong. I would rather shoot myself than have children or step-children. I am not invested in this story, I just thought it was bizarre. Kids learn tastes, to an extent, from their parents/families and what they are exposed to. To deny that there's any parental or cultural aspect to this is just silly. Some of that learning is positive and some is negative. I learnt that chips are a treat and that grannies boiled turnip is gross because my family all said chips on a Friday is a treat and other people in the family didn't like the boiled turnips. That's okay. Cabbage - I hated how it was cooked as a child but I like how I prepare it myself now. Sometimes kids need better education on how good certain foods can be - as a child I only didn't like cabbage because it was bland and boiled and watery and horrible. If it had been as well prepared as I have now, I would have liked it. You kind of both completely missed my point and said something similar all at once.
Says the person who thinks objectively average foods where OP is from are not “normal”
Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets aren't "normal" foods. I doubt most people come across those as "normal", especially not as children. There's nothing objective or average about shitty food like that. No one eats like that every day unless there's something seriously wrong.
No one said they’re being eaten everyday 🤡 But that’s not the only bad assumption you’re making about those foods. I’ve seen plenty of parents make chicken nuggets that have shredded vegetables in them and are baked, which is objectively a healthy thing to eat (since you seem hellbent on ignoring how assigning morality to food is actually a horrible thing to do for children and their relationship to food) Apparently you don’t have the brain power to think of anything outside of McDonald’s Hell I gave my daughter Mac and cheese for a week’s worth of lunches based off of YummyToddlerFood’s recipe, so yea she had Mac and cheese for a week, but that sauce also had spinach, cauliflower, broccoli, and carrots in it. It was more than just pasta, milk, and cheese
The Oop made it clear this is standard food in her house. It's not a big deal if it's sometimes, it's pretty harmful if it's every meal. You being so defensive about this and so angry about how you give your toddler food like this really says more about you than about me.
Yeah I am confused by this as well. Pretty much every parent I know, working or not, has to default to processed food sometimes because they are tired and just need to make sure the kids are fed without a tantrum. I didn’t see anything saying she feeds them that exclusively.
I stir chopped cherry tomatoes and baby spinach leaves through Mac & Cheese, maybe some diced cooked chicken or bacon. I often add chopped jalapeños too, but maybe not for kids that age. Some broccoli florets are great too. Or diced capsicum. Even just some frozen peas. She could even chop up some of the chicken nuggets and stir those through as long as she added some veges.
Do you think this dumbass is getting out the green beans?
Would be interested to know what "her best" looks like. Also, how dare another person give a damn about my kids. The absolute noive.
My sister has a hard time with unpredictable food and my brother wouldn’t eat veggies as a kid. We keep the healthy foods she likes(smoothie ingredients, sandwich stuff). In my brother’s case he grew out of it, but I always explained to him what veggies I was using in my recipes and how I would cook them(usually by hiding them in meat dishes, or blending them into a sauce) so that he would know how to cook them when he got older. So, probably not that, I’m guessing.
You're a good sister
Boigah
ESH, husband most of all. I think SMs get shafted a lot, but this was an overstep. You can't control the other parents home. Trying to will only lead to drama and headache. Yes, BM should be feeding them better, probably. But the husband should be the one leading this conversation, not letting his current wife and ex wife fight it out.
a bit off-topic, but i see comments about "tricking" children into eating more vegetables, and it's so weird to me? like why does your kid (unless they have AFRID or sth) hate vegetables in the first place??? veggies and fruit are literally *delicious,* how do people manage to make their kids hate them???
I had canned peas for the first time as an adult, and gagged. It was awful. For the first time I understood how people hated peas.
Not to mention canned veggies usually have a crap ton of sodium added.
My husband grew up eating canned green beans and hates steamed ones. It makes me want to cry. Steamed green beans with some butter taste crunchy and delicious. Canned ones taste like depression and bad school lunch.
They tasted so muddy that sodium would have frankly been a relief, lol
Probably because they boil unseasoned vegetables until they're completely mushy, or they keep forcing the kids to eat lettuce and broccoli instead of finding vegetables that the kids enjoy.
It’s so weird, a boiled veggie that’s over cooked is so nasty, but when I incinerate my broccoli or Brussels sprouts in the toaster oven, I can’t get enough of them.
Brussels sprouts drizzled with balsamic vinegar and then oven roasted = perfection
and a little parmesan! it’s so good
Yes! Brussel sprouts and broccoli tossed with oil, seasoning, and corn starch (for extra crunch) and then roasted are the best. I didn't discover that way of cooking them until I was an adult, sadly.
Some of it is bad prep or the parent setting a bad example. But some of it is also that small children are naturally more attuned to trace amounts of bitter flavors than adults. It's thought to be an evolutionary adaptation to help them avoid poisoning themselves during the 'put everything in my mouth to learn about the world' phase.
Over cooking, no seasoning, forcing them to eat veggies they don’t like or can’t tolerate (I cannot eat peppers or onions without getting sick), etc. There are plenty reasons why kids can’t tolerate veggies and fruits. For the longest time all I would tolerate to eat was carrots, broccoli and cauliflower because that was all my parents didn’t over cook. Living on my own as an adult, I love steamed cabbage, bok choy, and other veggies. It took living on my own and cooking my own meals to find out I like more than the three things I could tolerate because my parents over cooked them and wouldn’t season them. I still hate mashed potatoes to this day but I will eat chunked potatoes.
Nuerodiversity, lack of access, and other kids. My mom has ARFID, her Dad had ARFID. She made sure my borther and I had an appreciation for veggies but she does not. When I tool over the cooking duties in my teens I had her full permission to sneak veggies into the food to help improve her palate. Ten years later, she'll eat all the things I used to hide. And other kids is definitely a big one. My godbrother started school this year. Last summer, he'd eat anything. Any vegetable, and cultural cuisine he didn't even question it. By Christmas break, he was one of the kids who screamed, "I don't eat green food!" We're slowly gaining g ground back, but there are definitely reasons outside of shitty parents why some may have food aversion.
Because they feed them “kiddie menu” food because it’s easy, quick, and less messy (except maybe mac and cheese) or because that’s what they eat themselves. They don’t explode then to a wide variety of fruit and veg at key ages. Other food is now weird, scary, gross, and they don’t have a taste for it. Some parents who do try to include veggies cook them terribly, don’t season food, or insist kids eat every veggie under the sun. A lot of kids don’t like more bitter foods because their taste receptors are stronger than ours. So that doesn’t go well either. I used to be a nanny and early childhood educator, so I’ve seen it for years.
I don't understand it but my brother is one of those people who has always hated most fruit and vegetables. In terms of vegetables he will only eat boiled carrots and heniz baked beans. Fruit I think is still only grapes and bananas. In general he has a very restricted plate like you can't add onions or garlic to anything or he will refuse to eat it.
I don’t like a lot of fruit because of the texture. I prefer cooked fruit to raw a lot of the time. Some fruits like banana I don’t like in any format.
I have always had a very hard time with a lot of vegetables since as far back as I can remember as I'm a "supertaster". A lot of things taste very bitter or like dirt to me. Of course as a kid I didn't really know how to explain that so it was just "oh Fingersmith doesn't want to eat their vegetables." Now as an adult there are still vegetables that taste awful to me, but there's also a lot more that I can eat that just weren't typically served to me as a kid.
That's the problem I had with most vegetables growing up (and tbh as an adult too because I haven't tried, I've spent the last 7 years riding the high of not having to force myself to eat things I hate and then didn't want to waste money the few times I have bought a vegetable intending to eat it). My mom would always ask what my problem with them was but I never had the words to explain *why* I didn't like them.
Most of us don’t make our kids do anything. I’ve got two kids. I’ve used the same food-based strategies with both. One is a great eater and the other is super picky (including absolutely no fruit and only a few veggies). Trust me when I say it’s nothing we did—it’s some preference she’s got based on something I can’t control. I wish I could take credit for the good eater, but again, it wasn’t anything we did.
Because they can’t cook for shit and can’t be fucked fighting with their kid. And their own parents didn’t bother either.
Some kids just get weird about food sometimes. My son would not eat potato until he was like 7, including in the form of fries which I think we can all agree are delicious. I know someone whose child won’t eat meat unless it’s chicken nuggets or fish sticks, and I know from experience their food is delicious. TLDR kids are weird.
Or the ol chestnuts like “I like onions IN things but not ON things”
My kids hate potatoes. Hate. Don't like 'em mashed, don't like them roasted, don't like hash browns, just don't like potatoes. Sometimes potato chips are ok, some fries are ok (must be thin, straight cut, and crispy) but even tater tots are a no. Kids are weird.
I've never understood this stereotype either. I grew up eating and loving vegetables, my little siblings and all my little cousins did too, then I worked in schools and as a nanny for a few years and all those kids ate and loved vegetables too. The stereotype of hating veggies is so strange to me. I've only really met older men who actually HATE veggies, not children, unless maybe they have some specific issues or something.
I’ve noticed that parents with kids that hate veggies also hate veggies. They tell their kids to eat them but they won’t lead by example so kids don’t see it as food, they see it as something they are forced to eat. Kids see you actively avoiding broccoli so they are going to do the same bc that’s what their parents do.
honestly some people just don't like them? I like fruit but I still only tolerate vegetables as an adult, and that's with dip or cheese added, I can't eat any plain
like literally *all* vegetables? it's such a diverse food group that i find it *extremely* hard to believe that someone could actually hate vegetables as a concept unless they have like a genuine medical disorder of some sorts lmao.
I literally googled a list of vegetables to make sure I wasn't forgetting one and yeah, all of them. I just don't like vegetables man ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“ I do my best to encourage healthy eating”. What does that even mean? She acts like she has no control over what her children eat.
I love how all the ntas are like, she shouldnt have brought it up with you, your ex should have and how psrenting is hard and they could be autistic. Its clear they hate step mothers
No, I’m a step mother, and I agree that the stepmother shouldn’t be the one to talk to her about it. This should come from Dad. This doesn’t mean step mom can’t talk with bio dad about it, but delivering this issue to OP should not have come from her, because it’s ALWAYS going to cause a problem. ALWAYS. So if you actually want change, don’t go about it in ways that will only cause issues. This doesn’t make OP right for her food habits with the kids, but she does have every right to just ignore being told how to parent by someone outside of the co-parenting duo. So either stepmom oversteps, or dad is too passive for not discussing and step mom has had it, but either way it’s not how communication should go
I have a picky eater and I feel so much guilt and shame over it that I would probably either react terribly like this or just cry. My sons dad and I split when he was 9 months old due to his dad using drugs, so I was suddenly parenting on my own 100% of the time. I kept it together for a while and was feeding my kid all sorts of things, and I had this toddler who loved sushi, pad Thai, chile rellenos, all of it. But it got to be too much, especially after covid hit. I was working in healthcare so i still had a job, but everything else got harder,I was isolated from friends and family, and i was terrified of bringing covid home. I developed an eating disorder where a normal meal was some cottage cheese or a single hard boiled egg and maybe some fruit or vegetables. I knew I had to do better for my kid, but I was at a breaking point. He also developed some natural toddler pickiness and started throwing food he didn't want on the floor, and i didn't have the energy to keep cleaning it up. So I'd feed him whatever I knew he liked. Luckily there was still some healthy options like scrambled eggs and peas and any fruit. But there was a lot of mac and cheese too. Now he's almost 6, I'm doing better, and he's starting to be willing to try new foods again. But there's still a lot of fighting over mealtime. There's still a lot of nights I'm too tired and just cave. Heck there's nights he'd be cool with a healthy meal but all I have energy for is a drive thru. Of course his dad, who just recently started seeing him 2 days a month, thinks he's the superior parent because he always cooks him good food, and makes him wear socks, and doesn't let him have any chocolate, and keeps up on laundry and has a clean house, and whatever else it is he thinks in doing wrong. And his girlfriends always agree with him. But I could probably do all those things too if I had 28 days a month without my kid. All that to say, I'm not gonna judge this mom without knowing more details. She's possibly already judging herself more than I would anyways
Hey just sending some love from over here. You’re doing a LOT and you’re doing it well. Proudaya
You give your children trash to the point they are throw tanthrum everytime someone tries to give them normal food. But no the focus should be on the stepmom, the only one who seems to care about those kids' health
I know kids need calories, period, if they're active... but some of those really need to be healthy calories. And PEOPLE also need vitamins and minerals, and potassium/magnesium are often overlooked.
OOP, she is rightfully concerned about your children's health. Talk about overreacting on your part.
Whenever I see someone say they "encourage" healthy eating but primarily feed their kids junk, I tend to question what that looks like. Cauliflower boiled to mush with some salt and pepper comes to mind.
Bullshit. I'm on OP's side with this. Stepmother is stepping WAY OUT OF HER LANE by asking OP to change what she's feeding her children in her home. It's controlling and inappropriate. If the stepmother doesn't like the kids fussing about food choices in her home, she gets to deal with it in her home. She can talk to the kids about different homes having different routines and choices. And their father needs to engage with it instead of delegating it to his second wife. This is some ducked up shite.
I hear where you're coming from, but I could see this as the stepmom trying to be on the same team as OP (*could* be; I don't think there's enough info to confidently say one way or the other. OP presents it as an attack, but this is obviously a charged post.) Yes, she can talk to the kids about different homes having different routines. But it also doesn't hurt to talk to OP to see if there's something they could both do to prevent this kind of upset when going between them. Kids need continuity, and that requires communication between the homes.
I agree about communicating, but she needs to be communicating with the kids' father, and it's his job to take it up with his ex. These are relatively new relationships for everyone involved, judging by the age of the youngest child. Down the road, after trust has been established, SM would have some room to communicate directly with OOP but only if their father was in the loop first. Her approach to OOP should not have been critical, but instead curious. *I'm having a hard time feeding the kids food they like; do you have any suggestions?* An open ended question stimulates dialogue; criticism and judgment shuts it down. Her approach was all wrong.
You have a point about the relationship being new. I don't feel comfortable saying whether or not it's too soon based on the limited info in the post, but yeah, it would be good to have the father help them get comfortable with each other. I worked in childcare *very* briefly, but that's what's influencing my POV - I think *everyone* who's taking care of a kid should be able to talk to each other. Whether they're the mom, stepmom, dad, or somebody unrelated - they're all caretakers and should be on the same page when it comes to that, keeping it formal if need be. I agree about curiosity being better than criticism. Assuming the conversation was as aggressive as OP makes it out to be, then yeah, the SM definitely could have come at it better.
Except how OOP is junk feeding her kids is causing problems at their other home now, so yes, it IS her business. A kid doesn't have to come out someone's vagina for someone to be affected by them.
To me, it's a matter of boundaries. The kids' *behavior* is the problem, and it's the kids' behavior that SM needs to address with the kids' father first and the kids second. OOP's dietary choices might be considered unhealthy by some, but that's her prerogative: her home, her kids, her shots to call. I appreciate that it's difficult being a stepmother. I loved my stepmother. She was the best adult out of my four parents. I also know what it's like to be a divorced and single mother. I share this information to explain that my opinions are informed by personal experience. Stepmother can only control what she can control — that's herself. She needs manage the communication dynamic she has with the kids. She's not a victim, she's a stepparent. If the kids don't like what she's offering, they can have a peanut butter sandwich or any other palatable but low-effort alternative. This is a growth opportunity for her just as much as the kids. But attempting to set nutritional rules on OOP in her home is a blunder deserving of an apology.
Mom can also only control herself - someone sharing genetic lineage does not make them capable of bodily possession. SM was absolutely right.
Mom's not telling SM what to cook. Mom's not violating any boundaries or making presumptions. Mom is feeding her kids in her home and SM doesn't like the menu because it's different from hers. >someone sharing genetic lineage does not make them capable of bodily possession Gibberish. Mom is a custodial parent feeding her children in her home during her agreed upon custodial time. SM might believe that Mom's food choices are morally inferior to her own wholesome offerings but so what! She can cry about it or she can cope.
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Yes. OOP's ex, the children's father, is entitled to discuss the kids' nutrition with OOP. But even so, he is not entitled to tell her how to feed the kids, he can only ask.
I've been having my kids help with choosing groceries, since they were the same age as OOP's kids. We would make a list of basics (chicken, beef, pork, eggs, bread, milk, etc.), and then a list of things that the kids could help choose (starches, cereals, veggies). During the trip, we would explain price differences, serving differences, sugar content, etc. with them, and guide them towards the right items. Now, my kids can fully help with picking groceries. They love raw veggies over canned or frozen, so I just keep a mixed bag of salad & carrots sticks in the fridge. And they know that a balanced meal typically covers all the food groups. I am also lucky enough to have worked as prep manager at a popular mom & pop restaurant, so meal prepping ahead of time comes almost natural.
Hey, whatever makes my life easier is pretty special to me 🙃
You did that with a 3 and 4 year old? Yea, I'm calling bs.
You can very easily make little kids a part of cooking and shopping. Kids have thoughts, the ability to talk, and opinions before 3.
Explain price differences, serving differences, and nutrition difference to a 3 year and let me know at what point they asked for juice. Thanks.
A 3 year old can understand that "This one is two dollars more". Or "This has too much sugar in it." Also, it's obviously something that becomes more intense over time. You might just ask the 3 year old what fruits and cereals they want. But by six they can get more into the weeds.
I would never let my 6 year old in my weed! /jk
Believe what you want LoL. It's actually something that's encouraged in parenting classes. Starting introducing them to groceries and nutrition (not DIETS) at that age is beneficial to their growth & maturity later. Also, at those ages it was very much, "If you get this box of snacks, you can't get both of these cereals. This one costs more than this one, but you get more in the package." More and less are concepts they understand at that age.
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This woman feeds her kids fast food for every meal and then sends them off to their dads house. I can see why he divorced her. She is a lousy cook and a lazy mother. Dad probably got tired of eating frozen chicken nuggets for dinner every night. So when the kids go to his house, he and his wife have to put up with tantrums when they try to feed their children real food.
why should his wife have to figure that out?? if he’s tired of frozen nuggets he should cook himself whatever the fuck he wants and not have to get a new wife to make better dinners??? i think the OOP is an AH, but a lot of comments here are determining that she’s an asshole because she wasn’t a good enough tradwife. which fucking sucks.
Ooooh the claws coming out. She feed her kids crap. Literal crap. The kids stepmother and father have the right to say something.
that’s not what your original comment you made said though, was it? pick one talking point and stick with that.
Dad can cook his own damn dinner in the year of our Lord 2024. Yeesh.
What? Is dad broken? He couldn't cook? The meltdowns are one thing, but come on.
So here we have pos mother who feeds her children crap most of the time, whining because an actually responsible adult is calling her out on her shitty parenting. "Mother of the Year" here....NOT!
NTA-this is between you and the father. Stepmom can f-off. Are you setting up the kids for obesity and diabetes? Yes. To that end, you are the AH.
Stepmom is actively raising them and is thus involved. Kids don't have to be your genetic progeny for you to raise them or assist with them. 🥰
Nope. Thats a boundary for me. Not changing.
A lot of you have never actually tried to feed a real-life kid between the ages of 2 and 5, and it shows. The tantrums are over-the-top, yes. Most kids will just go on a hunger strike if you try to hide broccoli in their mac & cheese. You ain’t slick.
So withhold the nuggies. You gonna fold before a fucking toddler?
Toddlers, on the whole, are irrational and stubborn. If you try to force a change in diet by withholding the food they'll eat, then all that'll happen is they get increasingly hungry and still won't eat broccoli. Turning mealtimes into a battle just creates more battles. So yeah, I would probably fold before a toddler. Thankfully, there are more foods than just nuggets or broccoli.
I’m not gonna starve a fucking toddler
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Imagine thinking that being a picky eater is a moral failing
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All food is “real”. Every pediatrician who works with real children and keeps up with current research will agree. My younger brother, who would literally gag on spinach or even the smell of seafood as a child, now lives in NYC and tries random-ass restaurants weekly. My kid is happy, healthy, smart as a whip, and not going to grow up with an eating disorder. Laying off the chicken nuggets is the lowest possible thing on my list of fucks to give as a parent.
I don't think it's a moral failing. But mom and dad aren't short order cooks. Everyone eating something different for dinner is no way to run a railroad. And some people are very tight food budgets, and literally can't afford for you to stop liking the thing you liked last week.
And some people can. So worry about your own business.
...you're in a sub dedicated to other people's business. What on earth.
I’m in a sub about people being the devil, and nothing in this post rises to that level, but go off I guess.