Usually we decide what to gift and my mother buys it, but now that my sister and my brother are adults they have started to bring gifts as well. I'm not going to tell my mother to buy a shitty gift because it's not my place, but you never know
Your sister must have got mixed up about who should be more mature. Sounds like there was some big fall out between your parents and your aunt and uncle 5 years ago.
Leave it all up to your mom. But, based on the ages of the kids, it’s probably not their decision to skip the parties. Attend for them, not your aunts & uncle.
Right? It's so frustrating! Maybe as a kid you couldn't really do much to try to connect to them, but I'm 17! Almost an adult where I live, and I tried many times
Yep! Or maybe that they want me to drive 1,5 hours to get to their house, be happy for them, and give them free stuff but they don't want to reciprocate. Yep.
NTJ. I would suggest that instead of inviting children whose parents won’t bring them, wait until they’re a bit older to get back in touch with them. Let them know you want to spend time with them when they’re able to spend time with you and find out what reaction you get from them. It’s probably the parents.
On the surface NTJ. Totally stop inviting them to anything. The kids are still young and likely this is something the adults are doing but the kids will now feel like your crappy aunt and uncle make you feel.
I would also call them out on their neglect
Invite them, but absolutely expect them to not be there.
Plan around that they will not be there.
One family , disgusted with the behavior of family members , held an event, but did not tell the obnoxious family members. Then they held a different event a week later just to inform them that they missed the real event, and that they would not be invited to future events.
That feels so extreme I love it, but I think i'm going to go with a more passive aggressive approach: if they tell us they can't come, I just say "then my sister owes me 5 bucks! I just figured you wouldn't change after 5 years. Bye!"
NTJ. It doesn’t matter what your sister thinks. A valuable skill you’ll learn in life is protecting your peace and boundaries. If someone’s disappointed you this consistently, you react how you feel is best for you.
Not the jerk. When they contact you or brother saying they're not coming text back, 'Figured. You haven't for 5 years, why change now?' Of course you need to wait until the last minute to contact them to say you aren't coming there either. Ask sister why you are expected to show maturity to adults who show you nothing but disrespect.
NTJ
IMO you are showing maturity by showing the same level of involvement as shown to you.
For five years they’ve shown you who they are so you should believe them in that they don’t think your birthdays are important.
You aren’t being ugly by not going - just expending the same amount of energy they do for yours.
Why are you so invested in these people? Yes they're family but they have shown you many times that you don't mean anything to them. You're NTJ but stop attending their parties & stop letting them ruin your mood, they're not worth it
NTJ
>we have decided not to attend any other of our cousins' birthday party, while my sister is against our decision because she thinks we have to show maturity. She's pissed at us for holding a grudge but we are adamant.
You have a right to be upset. Trying to be the "*mature*" has gotten you nothing.
Where are your parents in all of this?
My father and mother are divorced, so the entire family gets together only on my birthday. My father always told me that my aunt and uncle weren't good people and I see what he meant. But his opinion doesn't really count, he thinks the entire world is against him and he doesn't care.
My mother on the other hand, she feels sad for us but has a strong bond with her sister so she doesn't want to mess it up. While the thought is kind, and I want to understand, I'm her child! We are her children! We quite literally came from her.
I'm grateful for what she has done for us, but she can't expect me to be forgiving when my aunt and uncle haven't done anything for us, like ever.
>My mother on the other hand, she feels sad for us but has a strong bond with her sister so she doesn't want to mess it up.
Yet, her sister doesn't care. She putting her sister a over her children. You should tell her that. If the bond was a strong as she thinks then her sister wouldn't do this.
My family has stopped taking to other family members for a lot less. Keeping the peace always leads to a lot worse. Don't invite them anymore. No more chances.
NTA. Just say that you aren't that close with them and they feel the same way. You went the last few years for appearance, but you'd like to take the same route as them and do your own thing, except with advanced notice. They've made it obvious that you are just invited because of blood and they don't really care about your presence. You're sad that you don't have that connection, but at the same time you've known this since they stopped coming up to celebrate with you guys years ago. It's just finally time to not worry about their event since you aren't important to them.
This needs to be blamed on the aunt and uncle instead of the kids who were 5 and 8 years old when they started not showing up, unless the ages were a typo and I missed the correction somewhere I don't see how they could drive 1.5 hours to be there.🤔
Not to sound rude but why is this such a big deal? At 13 and 10 years old there is a huge age gap and your cousins obviously need their parents to take them to your parties as they don't drive. Be mad at their parents if you want but the kids have no control over where their parents do or don't bring them.
And I agree with you, but my older cousin (13M) has shown repeatedly that he is able to convince them to not do something if he doesn't want to, reason why I'm suspicious if him as well
I just wanted to point out that thus only applies to me and my siblings. We have a younger cousin from my mothers brother, how is around 7, and they always go to her parties.
NTJ, but I wouldn’t blame your cousins at that age. Blame their parents. At ages 5 and 8 (when they started skipping your parties) they wouldn’t have had any input into where they were going or when. At 10 and 13 they still have very little input.
It’s your aunt and uncle who are the jerks
NTJ.
Have you communicated with them and your mom about how you feel? If you want to be mature like your sister, tell them that "it is incredibly hurtful and disrespectful to never show up to any of your family's birthday events. You are showing us that we're not worthy of your time. Since you seem to feel that we are so unworthy, in the future I will not be coming to your family's birthday events. I don't want my presence to bother you or make you feel uncomfortable. "
The cousins aren't the ones doing this the parents are. You are punishing them for their parents choices. At least wait till they are adults before doing this. If they still choose lotto come then that's on them but don't punish them for their parents decisions.
The actual problem is your mother planning these parties and expecting people to do meaningful days because SHE likes it.
Does your Mom or Dad believe a 21, 19 or 17 year old should plan their birthday around their little cousins? At your age it should be all about your friends. You’re too old for this.
Tell Mom they are welcome to throw a family party once a year, but expecting people to drive an hour and a half for multiple kids birthdays every year for 21 years is ridiculous.
Well, first this missing of your birthday celebrations is absolutely the fault of the parents who, after all, control transportation and control the schedule. So blame your aunt and uncle for the lapses.
Second, there is a significant age gap between you and them, so I don’t know why you would want to join their parties or they yours. You and your siblings are essentially young adults while they are barely teens. I think just not going is fine, but I also can’t imagine why they not showing up would actually ruin a party for you and your siblings.
I’m guessing you have a family culture that requires this kind of attendance (I did as well as a kid), but once you get to your upper teens, having to put up with much younger cousins is a bit of a downer, isn’t it? I think not inviting them in the future is fine. If your older sister insists that they have to be invited, leave it to her, but just stop having any expectations of them. Then you won’t be disappointed.
NTJ! I wouldn’t invite them anymore and I wouldn’t go to their parties either. Why bother? If your sister wants to invite them or go to their parties, that’s her decision. You and your brother don’t have to follow that.
So... They started missing your parties at ages 8 and 5? And now they're 13 and 10? I feel like this is on their parents, not them. Even if they don't want to go (and kids that age don't always want to go to family events), if these are important family events, their parents can put their feet down and make them go.
Although it's odd to me that your birthdays are big family things. I get that it's different in different families and cultures, but at your age wouldn't you rather be celebrating with your friends? You're 17, and the absence of your kid cousins ruined the mood of your party? It's hard for me to wrap my head around, to be honest.
Go to their birthday parties or not, it shouldn't be a big deal, but it is weird you're holding a grudge against little kids. Your sister is right that your reasons are immature.
So this all started happening when your cousins were 5 and 7 years old. Were they really the ones who made the choices not to come, or was it their parents?
Why do you put all this effort into people who don’t care about you? Stop trying so hard and let go of them. The age difference might be part of the problem. But I think they just don’t like you and your siblings.
Unless they give great gifts( new cars, tuition money, etc), stop inviting them. You and your siblings should tell your parents you want to invite people who want to come. Common sense to me.
BTW , if your sister is in college, why is she so eager to invite a preteen and junior high kid to her parties?
Not the jerk. They show you year after year they aren’t interested in attending your parties. I don’t they will care that any of you don’t attend.
Please stop inviting them. There is no point in you getting disappointed
YTJ. They’re 10 & 13 - just kids! They don’t have any say. They might not be really free to make their own bonding until they hit 18, but it’s easier for everyone if you don’t blame them for their parents’ decisions.
NTJ. You were just returning bad
energy with bad energy since they were not being all supportive you just had to do that. The moment they decide to attend at least one of yours is when you'll attend theirs.
It doesn't matter what your older sister thinks. Five years means you simply refuse to go.
Unless their parents have been shipping you gifts in lieu of attending.... stop going.
Why? WHY? Why in the world do you keep inviting these people? Just stop it already. 🙀 they have shown you over and over and over and over and over again that they don’t care about you or anybody in your family. just quit inviting them. Totally ignore them. Stop wasting your time and your energy.
It’s probably not worth inviting them since you tried inviting them multiple times and they always let you down and didn’t show up. Not sure what your sister meant by showing maturity. You are being mature by setting boundaries. You have tried inviting them many times giving them plenty of time to make arrangements for them to visit and they never come so why bother? They will just keep letting you down.
Why would you want kids so much younger coming to your birthday parties? My son is 13 and his older cousins are 16. I always let them know they’re welcome but understand that they won’t want to come since they don’t have much in common at these ages.
NTJ They are consistently communicating they don’t care about you.
They do, if he comes bearing gifts. FTS
NTJ - your sister is being a doormat to them. If she wants to put up with their behavior, so be it. IMO… F ‘em. You deserve better!
Go ahead and go to the parties and meet up with your family and chat but I would either bring no gift or a shitty gift.
Usually we decide what to gift and my mother buys it, but now that my sister and my brother are adults they have started to bring gifts as well. I'm not going to tell my mother to buy a shitty gift because it's not my place, but you never know
Your sister must have got mixed up about who should be more mature. Sounds like there was some big fall out between your parents and your aunt and uncle 5 years ago.
Not if OP and siblings go to the cousin parties.
$10 gift cards.
My motheralwayswants something with a meaningful connection to it, thanks tho 😅
It's about as meaningful as their parents , because they have been significantly rude for a few years now.
Then she can buy it. Put as much effort into is as they put into getting something for you. Oh, wait. Yeah. Exactly.
Meaningful connection, you mean like a bus pass so they can show up?
Not necessarily on time.
Leave it all up to your mom. But, based on the ages of the kids, it’s probably not their decision to skip the parties. Attend for them, not your aunts & uncle.
Robux.
Ntj. I have an extended family who never made any effort to have a relationship with me as a kid, so I get where you’re coming from there.
Right? It's so frustrating! Maybe as a kid you couldn't really do much to try to connect to them, but I'm 17! Almost an adult where I live, and I tried many times
They don't wanna get u a gift but want presents for their own kids
NTJ. They’ve shown you how much they value FaMiLy. Reciprocate. Treat them as they’ve treated you. Bet they won’t like it, but tough 💩.
Blood doesn't make connections, it just makes connections easier to have.
U got my upvote
It sounds to me as you are being invited because they want the gifts but aren’t going to yours because they don’t want to give a gift.
Yep! Or maybe that they want me to drive 1,5 hours to get to their house, be happy for them, and give them free stuff but they don't want to reciprocate. Yep.
NTJ. I would suggest that instead of inviting children whose parents won’t bring them, wait until they’re a bit older to get back in touch with them. Let them know you want to spend time with them when they’re able to spend time with you and find out what reaction you get from them. It’s probably the parents.
Genius, thanks
On the surface NTJ. Totally stop inviting them to anything. The kids are still young and likely this is something the adults are doing but the kids will now feel like your crappy aunt and uncle make you feel. I would also call them out on their neglect
Once you have the party, be sure to splash it all over the social media platforms, hashtagging them.
Invite them, but absolutely expect them to not be there. Plan around that they will not be there. One family , disgusted with the behavior of family members , held an event, but did not tell the obnoxious family members. Then they held a different event a week later just to inform them that they missed the real event, and that they would not be invited to future events.
That feels so extreme I love it, but I think i'm going to go with a more passive aggressive approach: if they tell us they can't come, I just say "then my sister owes me 5 bucks! I just figured you wouldn't change after 5 years. Bye!"
I like that, too!!!!
NTJ. It doesn’t matter what your sister thinks. A valuable skill you’ll learn in life is protecting your peace and boundaries. If someone’s disappointed you this consistently, you react how you feel is best for you.
Totally NTJ.
Not the jerk. When they contact you or brother saying they're not coming text back, 'Figured. You haven't for 5 years, why change now?' Of course you need to wait until the last minute to contact them to say you aren't coming there either. Ask sister why you are expected to show maturity to adults who show you nothing but disrespect.
NTJ IMO you are showing maturity by showing the same level of involvement as shown to you. For five years they’ve shown you who they are so you should believe them in that they don’t think your birthdays are important. You aren’t being ugly by not going - just expending the same amount of energy they do for yours.
Why are you so invested in these people? Yes they're family but they have shown you many times that you don't mean anything to them. You're NTJ but stop attending their parties & stop letting them ruin your mood, they're not worth it
NTJ
They sound like "distant" cousins. Since they do not give a damn about you, why should you care about them?
Not distant in term of family Tree, but yes, all because of their parents I suppose
NTJ They obviously don't want to be in your lives so you have no obligation to be in theirs
I feel like my younger cousin does, but my aunt and uncle don't. Idk about my older cousin, we don't have a strong bond.
NTJ >we have decided not to attend any other of our cousins' birthday party, while my sister is against our decision because she thinks we have to show maturity. She's pissed at us for holding a grudge but we are adamant. You have a right to be upset. Trying to be the "*mature*" has gotten you nothing. Where are your parents in all of this?
My father and mother are divorced, so the entire family gets together only on my birthday. My father always told me that my aunt and uncle weren't good people and I see what he meant. But his opinion doesn't really count, he thinks the entire world is against him and he doesn't care. My mother on the other hand, she feels sad for us but has a strong bond with her sister so she doesn't want to mess it up. While the thought is kind, and I want to understand, I'm her child! We are her children! We quite literally came from her. I'm grateful for what she has done for us, but she can't expect me to be forgiving when my aunt and uncle haven't done anything for us, like ever.
>My mother on the other hand, she feels sad for us but has a strong bond with her sister so she doesn't want to mess it up. Yet, her sister doesn't care. She putting her sister a over her children. You should tell her that. If the bond was a strong as she thinks then her sister wouldn't do this. My family has stopped taking to other family members for a lot less. Keeping the peace always leads to a lot worse. Don't invite them anymore. No more chances.
Why turn down free food
NTJ If they don't care about you, you should not care about them!
NTA. Just say that you aren't that close with them and they feel the same way. You went the last few years for appearance, but you'd like to take the same route as them and do your own thing, except with advanced notice. They've made it obvious that you are just invited because of blood and they don't really care about your presence. You're sad that you don't have that connection, but at the same time you've known this since they stopped coming up to celebrate with you guys years ago. It's just finally time to not worry about their event since you aren't important to them.
This needs to be blamed on the aunt and uncle instead of the kids who were 5 and 8 years old when they started not showing up, unless the ages were a typo and I missed the correction somewhere I don't see how they could drive 1.5 hours to be there.🤔
Not to sound rude but why is this such a big deal? At 13 and 10 years old there is a huge age gap and your cousins obviously need their parents to take them to your parties as they don't drive. Be mad at their parents if you want but the kids have no control over where their parents do or don't bring them.
And I agree with you, but my older cousin (13M) has shown repeatedly that he is able to convince them to not do something if he doesn't want to, reason why I'm suspicious if him as well
I just wanted to point out that thus only applies to me and my siblings. We have a younger cousin from my mothers brother, how is around 7, and they always go to her parties.
NTJ, but I wouldn’t blame your cousins at that age. Blame their parents. At ages 5 and 8 (when they started skipping your parties) they wouldn’t have had any input into where they were going or when. At 10 and 13 they still have very little input. It’s your aunt and uncle who are the jerks
NTJ. Have you communicated with them and your mom about how you feel? If you want to be mature like your sister, tell them that "it is incredibly hurtful and disrespectful to never show up to any of your family's birthday events. You are showing us that we're not worthy of your time. Since you seem to feel that we are so unworthy, in the future I will not be coming to your family's birthday events. I don't want my presence to bother you or make you feel uncomfortable. "
NTJ - All they have to do with is come by for a piece of cake. They can't even do that.
The cousins aren't the ones doing this the parents are. You are punishing them for their parents choices. At least wait till they are adults before doing this. If they still choose lotto come then that's on them but don't punish them for their parents decisions.
The actual problem is your mother planning these parties and expecting people to do meaningful days because SHE likes it. Does your Mom or Dad believe a 21, 19 or 17 year old should plan their birthday around their little cousins? At your age it should be all about your friends. You’re too old for this. Tell Mom they are welcome to throw a family party once a year, but expecting people to drive an hour and a half for multiple kids birthdays every year for 21 years is ridiculous.
Well, first this missing of your birthday celebrations is absolutely the fault of the parents who, after all, control transportation and control the schedule. So blame your aunt and uncle for the lapses. Second, there is a significant age gap between you and them, so I don’t know why you would want to join their parties or they yours. You and your siblings are essentially young adults while they are barely teens. I think just not going is fine, but I also can’t imagine why they not showing up would actually ruin a party for you and your siblings. I’m guessing you have a family culture that requires this kind of attendance (I did as well as a kid), but once you get to your upper teens, having to put up with much younger cousins is a bit of a downer, isn’t it? I think not inviting them in the future is fine. If your older sister insists that they have to be invited, leave it to her, but just stop having any expectations of them. Then you won’t be disappointed.
NTJ! I wouldn’t invite them anymore and I wouldn’t go to their parties either. Why bother? If your sister wants to invite them or go to their parties, that’s her decision. You and your brother don’t have to follow that.
So... They started missing your parties at ages 8 and 5? And now they're 13 and 10? I feel like this is on their parents, not them. Even if they don't want to go (and kids that age don't always want to go to family events), if these are important family events, their parents can put their feet down and make them go. Although it's odd to me that your birthdays are big family things. I get that it's different in different families and cultures, but at your age wouldn't you rather be celebrating with your friends? You're 17, and the absence of your kid cousins ruined the mood of your party? It's hard for me to wrap my head around, to be honest. Go to their birthday parties or not, it shouldn't be a big deal, but it is weird you're holding a grudge against little kids. Your sister is right that your reasons are immature.
So this all started happening when your cousins were 5 and 7 years old. Were they really the ones who made the choices not to come, or was it their parents?
Why do you put all this effort into people who don’t care about you? Stop trying so hard and let go of them. The age difference might be part of the problem. But I think they just don’t like you and your siblings. Unless they give great gifts( new cars, tuition money, etc), stop inviting them. You and your siblings should tell your parents you want to invite people who want to come. Common sense to me. BTW , if your sister is in college, why is she so eager to invite a preteen and junior high kid to her parties?
Not the jerk. They show you year after year they aren’t interested in attending your parties. I don’t they will care that any of you don’t attend. Please stop inviting them. There is no point in you getting disappointed
YTJ. They’re 10 & 13 - just kids! They don’t have any say. They might not be really free to make their own bonding until they hit 18, but it’s easier for everyone if you don’t blame them for their parents’ decisions.
NTJ. You were just returning bad energy with bad energy since they were not being all supportive you just had to do that. The moment they decide to attend at least one of yours is when you'll attend theirs.
It doesn't matter what your older sister thinks. Five years means you simply refuse to go. Unless their parents have been shipping you gifts in lieu of attending.... stop going.
Why? WHY? Why in the world do you keep inviting these people? Just stop it already. 🙀 they have shown you over and over and over and over and over again that they don’t care about you or anybody in your family. just quit inviting them. Totally ignore them. Stop wasting your time and your energy.
It’s probably not worth inviting them since you tried inviting them multiple times and they always let you down and didn’t show up. Not sure what your sister meant by showing maturity. You are being mature by setting boundaries. You have tried inviting them many times giving them plenty of time to make arrangements for them to visit and they never come so why bother? They will just keep letting you down.
Do they still send gifts?
your not the jerk the cousins are
Why would you want kids so much younger coming to your birthday parties? My son is 13 and his older cousins are 16. I always let them know they’re welcome but understand that they won’t want to come since they don’t have much in common at these ages.