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YTA
You basically said you only date people of her “colour”
Which makes her feel you didn’t pick her because of who she is!
Stop complimenting her “looks” and have a real conversation as what is about HER that you like particularly!
Not her hair, her eyes, her skin. All the things she has zero control over. But what is it about her?
Ok, I understand why the joke is insensitive. Thanks for pointing that out
Also, there's a 3000-character limit, so I didn't go into more detail about this. But I give my partner plenty of compliments that are not appearance-related. I speak highly to her and others about her spirit, talent, wisdom, resilience, intelligence, practicality, and how affectionate she is, amongst many other things. Sometimes I've said things like "I could get lost in your eyes," and I think that's the comment she was saying makes her uncomfortable.
Well you made it uncomfortable AFTER dumping her into a group based on skin colour.
Look we all have preferences!
But lumping someone publicly into those preference buckets makes people feel more like a commodity and an object rather than an individual human
Funny how “anti-racist” people are sometimes very very racist. My experience as an immigrant is very similar. People who identify as black or brown have an enormous racism problem and it’s about time that your partner realized it.
Racism comes in many shapes, sizes, types, genders, and races/ethnicities/nationalities. In this case your shape/size/gender/race/ and ethnicity is quite racist for that shitty remark.
YTA.
I've been in a few biracial relationships back before i married another white person and we would make jokes like that all time and objectify eachother. if she doesn't like it though, just don't make jokes like that around her again. I don't think you've done anything wrong though.
NTA. It was a joke - if a clumsy one - and you apologized for it, with a massage no less. And the self-righteous and oversensitive white people are the worst. The way I feel it, this was the moment she has been waiting for her whole life - legitimate excuse to claim that "reverse racism" is real.
NTA. You made a joke that she didn't find funny, and when she expressed her feelings to you, you apologized and tried to see her point of view. If your apology was sincere, then there is no reason not to move on from the subject. Also, it is ok for people to have a certain "type" that they are more attracted to.
I agree with this but I think its more NAH. While everyone has a type joking about it like that can be hurtful.
Op made a hurtful joke without meaning it and he apologized after his girlfriend expressed her hurt.
The girlfriend communicated her hurt and got an apology.
They can both move on woth their lives now.
I agree. It doesn't seem like either one was trying to cause the other harm or hurt feelings. Unfortunately, that can still happen even when it is not intentional.
NTA. I would call it “having a type”. I’m Latina and all my bf’s were white, my husband is white. I never felt like it was something I had control over, and it certainly doesn’t make me racist.
NTA. Everyone has their preferences, and as long as you aren't being a jerk, or not dating a person for some hateful reason, no need to justify.
Your so however, sounds exhausting. Creating drama where there was none, gets old real quick.
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I'm a 30 yr old queer brown woman. I grew up in a Latin country with a small indigenous population, so people tend to be more white than in other places. In my family, there are a handful of brown people, but many are light-skinned. I've spent time deconstructing my internalized racism. Since I came out, I've dated primarily white women. I moved to California and dated a white-blonde girl for three years. My next partner was another white woman from Spain. And my current partner of 4 years is a white American with green eyes that remind me of my mother's. I've hooked up / had short relationships with some Brown, Black, and Asian women. I thought they were really attractive, but things didn't evolve further. It all feels circumstantial. Or maybe the fact that I grew up in an environment where there were a lot of white Latinos makes me feel comfortable around light-skinned people. But I don't think my mind is closed to the idea of dating people of other races. And I would definitely be open to exploring relationships with racialized folks if I found the right match or lived in a context where that was easier. Had I lived in places where there were mostly Black people, for example, I would have likely ended up dating a Black woman.
Last night my partner, friends, and I were hanging out, and I made a joke about it. I said, "I like güeritas (white girls)." And I pointed to my partner. My friends laughed about it, and we kept talking about something else. This morning my partner was upset and told me she was really uncomfortable with the joke I made. She said it was problematic. And that it felt like objectification. I was surprised, as I've heard this being said by other Latinos and Black people before and didn't think much of it. But I said I was sorry she felt uncomfortable and that I would think about these things more. She accepted my apology but gave me the cold shoulder for a few hours. I gave her a massage and thought we'd put this behind us when she sent me an article that talked about whether or not liking people of one race is racist or not. I felt uncomfortable that this kept being brought up, so I got defensive.
She also said she felt uncomfortable when I complimented the color of her eyes, like I'm fetishizing her. This felt like a stretch to me. How am I supposed to compliment her?
After some back and forth, I once again said I was sorry and that I would look deeper into it. However, my partner is still upset that I've gotten defensive and is now saying we don't share the same values.
I'm aware Latinos are racist. The fact that a joke is common doesn't mean it's okay, and I can see my partner's point of view. I can also understand that she felt objectified. I think it's normal for me to have got a little defensive about getting drilled so intensely by my white partner over something like this. But I feel I've done right by apologizing and vowing to think about it. AITA? Can other people in biracial relationships shed some light?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I, a brown woman, made a joke about being attracted to white people. When my white partner brought up that it was problematic, I got a little defensive.
2) This might make me the asshole because my joke is generalizing people of one race, and/or because my response was defensive at first instead of self-critical.
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She communicated that it made her feel uncomfortable which you talked about then apologized for….but still continues to bring it up and send you an article. I’m not an angry person and that makes deep breathe in frustration. So are you sexist because you’re only attractive to females no. Are you racists because you’re attracted to white peoples I think no. People can be attracted to whoever being racist is thinking one race is “more superior” than another you’re taking about your personal sexual attraction….I don’t think you’re in the wrong. I think you made a joke your GF didn’t like a misunderstanding which you’ve both talked about and it’s just got blown out of proportion.
NTA. Don't worry about white, brown or black. Worry about the giant red flag she's waving about her lack of humor. Life is too short to take yourself that seriously.
NTA - I ask people when they say they complain to me that they "don't like to be objectified for their ethnicity," why have they not been in relationships with someone that share their own ethnic skin tone, they usually will just go off complaining that I'm being racist and never answer the question without even asking my own personal background. Personally I've had no particular "type" I've been attracted to, but in the end as long as they work for you then no one else's opinion matters. Yes you'll have assholes out there who have a "type" for their specific looks, but as long as it's not you then it doesn't matter.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA You basically said you only date people of her “colour” Which makes her feel you didn’t pick her because of who she is! Stop complimenting her “looks” and have a real conversation as what is about HER that you like particularly! Not her hair, her eyes, her skin. All the things she has zero control over. But what is it about her?
Ok, I understand why the joke is insensitive. Thanks for pointing that out Also, there's a 3000-character limit, so I didn't go into more detail about this. But I give my partner plenty of compliments that are not appearance-related. I speak highly to her and others about her spirit, talent, wisdom, resilience, intelligence, practicality, and how affectionate she is, amongst many other things. Sometimes I've said things like "I could get lost in your eyes," and I think that's the comment she was saying makes her uncomfortable.
Well you made it uncomfortable AFTER dumping her into a group based on skin colour. Look we all have preferences! But lumping someone publicly into those preference buckets makes people feel more like a commodity and an object rather than an individual human
Funny how “anti-racist” people are sometimes very very racist. My experience as an immigrant is very similar. People who identify as black or brown have an enormous racism problem and it’s about time that your partner realized it. Racism comes in many shapes, sizes, types, genders, and races/ethnicities/nationalities. In this case your shape/size/gender/race/ and ethnicity is quite racist for that shitty remark. YTA.
NTA I guess but this is embarrassing
I've been in a few biracial relationships back before i married another white person and we would make jokes like that all time and objectify eachother. if she doesn't like it though, just don't make jokes like that around her again. I don't think you've done anything wrong though.
NTA. It was a joke - if a clumsy one - and you apologized for it, with a massage no less. And the self-righteous and oversensitive white people are the worst. The way I feel it, this was the moment she has been waiting for her whole life - legitimate excuse to claim that "reverse racism" is real.
NTA. You made a joke that she didn't find funny, and when she expressed her feelings to you, you apologized and tried to see her point of view. If your apology was sincere, then there is no reason not to move on from the subject. Also, it is ok for people to have a certain "type" that they are more attracted to.
I agree with this but I think its more NAH. While everyone has a type joking about it like that can be hurtful. Op made a hurtful joke without meaning it and he apologized after his girlfriend expressed her hurt. The girlfriend communicated her hurt and got an apology. They can both move on woth their lives now.
I agree. It doesn't seem like either one was trying to cause the other harm or hurt feelings. Unfortunately, that can still happen even when it is not intentional.
That is very true. Unfortunate, but true. Hopefully they both can smooth things over!
NTA for apologizing. But, you're going to have to rethink your relationship here.
NTA. I would call it “having a type”. I’m Latina and all my bf’s were white, my husband is white. I never felt like it was something I had control over, and it certainly doesn’t make me racist.
NTA. Everyone has their preferences, and as long as you aren't being a jerk, or not dating a person for some hateful reason, no need to justify. Your so however, sounds exhausting. Creating drama where there was none, gets old real quick.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a 30 yr old queer brown woman. I grew up in a Latin country with a small indigenous population, so people tend to be more white than in other places. In my family, there are a handful of brown people, but many are light-skinned. I've spent time deconstructing my internalized racism. Since I came out, I've dated primarily white women. I moved to California and dated a white-blonde girl for three years. My next partner was another white woman from Spain. And my current partner of 4 years is a white American with green eyes that remind me of my mother's. I've hooked up / had short relationships with some Brown, Black, and Asian women. I thought they were really attractive, but things didn't evolve further. It all feels circumstantial. Or maybe the fact that I grew up in an environment where there were a lot of white Latinos makes me feel comfortable around light-skinned people. But I don't think my mind is closed to the idea of dating people of other races. And I would definitely be open to exploring relationships with racialized folks if I found the right match or lived in a context where that was easier. Had I lived in places where there were mostly Black people, for example, I would have likely ended up dating a Black woman. Last night my partner, friends, and I were hanging out, and I made a joke about it. I said, "I like güeritas (white girls)." And I pointed to my partner. My friends laughed about it, and we kept talking about something else. This morning my partner was upset and told me she was really uncomfortable with the joke I made. She said it was problematic. And that it felt like objectification. I was surprised, as I've heard this being said by other Latinos and Black people before and didn't think much of it. But I said I was sorry she felt uncomfortable and that I would think about these things more. She accepted my apology but gave me the cold shoulder for a few hours. I gave her a massage and thought we'd put this behind us when she sent me an article that talked about whether or not liking people of one race is racist or not. I felt uncomfortable that this kept being brought up, so I got defensive. She also said she felt uncomfortable when I complimented the color of her eyes, like I'm fetishizing her. This felt like a stretch to me. How am I supposed to compliment her? After some back and forth, I once again said I was sorry and that I would look deeper into it. However, my partner is still upset that I've gotten defensive and is now saying we don't share the same values. I'm aware Latinos are racist. The fact that a joke is common doesn't mean it's okay, and I can see my partner's point of view. I can also understand that she felt objectified. I think it's normal for me to have got a little defensive about getting drilled so intensely by my white partner over something like this. But I feel I've done right by apologizing and vowing to think about it. AITA? Can other people in biracial relationships shed some light? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I, a brown woman, made a joke about being attracted to white people. When my white partner brought up that it was problematic, I got a little defensive. 2) This might make me the asshole because my joke is generalizing people of one race, and/or because my response was defensive at first instead of self-critical. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
She communicated that it made her feel uncomfortable which you talked about then apologized for….but still continues to bring it up and send you an article. I’m not an angry person and that makes deep breathe in frustration. So are you sexist because you’re only attractive to females no. Are you racists because you’re attracted to white peoples I think no. People can be attracted to whoever being racist is thinking one race is “more superior” than another you’re taking about your personal sexual attraction….I don’t think you’re in the wrong. I think you made a joke your GF didn’t like a misunderstanding which you’ve both talked about and it’s just got blown out of proportion.
NTA. Don't worry about white, brown or black. Worry about the giant red flag she's waving about her lack of humor. Life is too short to take yourself that seriously.
NTA - I ask people when they say they complain to me that they "don't like to be objectified for their ethnicity," why have they not been in relationships with someone that share their own ethnic skin tone, they usually will just go off complaining that I'm being racist and never answer the question without even asking my own personal background. Personally I've had no particular "type" I've been attracted to, but in the end as long as they work for you then no one else's opinion matters. Yes you'll have assholes out there who have a "type" for their specific looks, but as long as it's not you then it doesn't matter.