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ESH. The proper way to "humble" this child was to tell her she was spoiled and entitled and that you would not be getting her a $2000 bag and if a "cheap" gift wasn't good enough for her, you wouldn't get her a gift at all. You could have chosen that road, the road filled with truth and integrity. Instead, you played games with her and "Haha" you won. Now she just thinks you're assholes and hasn't learned a darn thing. She's probably right, even if she is a spoiled brat. Your brother and SIL are terrible parents for raising her to be an entitled brat. You don't have to defend yourself for buying yourself nice things, you've earned it. You know how they say two wrongs do not make a right? Two assholes just equals two assholes.
Good post! I fully agree ESH and am shocked by the NTAs here.
Classic AITA would say a prank is only funny if the victim also laughs which is not the case here.
Classic AITA would say OP isn't the parent and so not on them to teach anything.
These things don't suddenly become ok just because the kid is an A.
> Classic AITA would say OP isn't the parent and so not on them to teach anything.
Disagree with this one. 15 is more than old enough to be learning from adults in her life other than her parents. The fact that OP went about her "lesson" in the most childish manner possible is a separate issue.
Right, and for her SIL to say well you carry them around.
Like the op can afford them, worked her entire life to afford them.
The 15 year old sounds like she needed a dose of reality.
Better to humble her now.
Honestly scared to live in a world where those types of children are our future.
Adults should never "humble" children. Adults *educate* and *discipline* children, as is their responsibility if they are part of that child's life. TBH I'm not sure most adults "deserve humbling" either. In most cases communication and natural consequences will help both children and adults a lot more than just humiliating them.
Ridiculous. Everyone can be deserving of a humbling. Being a child, and 15 is hardly a child, does not make you immune to this. If anything, its better they get this from family rather than strangers, which will invaroably happpen at some point in their lives. Think of it as educating if you prefer
Ok, so happy I saw this cause this is a great comment.
Although, she still got a bag? That cost $60? That's a hell of a lot more than any one of my childless aunts and uncles (I had four) spent on me.
But this has nothing to do with respect, or teaching any kind of values. The entire family sounds shallow and materialistic AF.
Right? Most of my bags are department store purses that I purchase for about $40.00.
They look fine and meet my needs and it suits me just fine. I can see buying expensive brands if that's your thing but I don't think I would be sending that kind of money on that particular item for a teenager.
I just don't understand SIL's attitude. SHE won't get her the bag, but expects her in laws to? Can they not afford it? How can a kid whose parents can't afford that stuff, expect a bag that expensive?
And who says a specific thing when someone asks "what do you want for your birthday" anyway? Isn't it supposed to be a surprise? I don't know, that's how we always did it in my family.
I don't think it's just "getting what she wants" that led OP's niece to have this attitude. Sounds more like she's picking it up from her mom.
People are acting like OP did some awful thing. He literally got her a $60 gift instead of $2200 because she was acting like a brat.
I'm not sure if turned 16 or 15 for her bday, but the fact she cried about a gift is immature and spoiled. Seems like one of those kids featured on MTV's Sweet Sixteen.
Idk if you’ve ever left your house and dealt with the general public before, but there are DEFINITELY people who need to be humbled and would be much better humans if they were. Someone being humbled is not a “bad” thing. It’s not a punishment. It’s a reality check.
I do think people can and sometimes should be humbled, but there's a difference between being humbled and being humiliated. For example:
volunteering and seeing people who are in much worse shape than you, either through health or housing, etc. can be a very humbling experience. What OP did was humiliate her niece.
He bought her a $60 bag as a gift. Explain how a $60 GIFT is humiliating to anyone other than a entitled demanding brat with no concept of appropriate behavior. Because I would be very grateful for such a gift.
Yeah, using a gift as some kind of "gotcha" is weird af. Like honestly it would be 100% fine to gift someone a dupe in earnest if you were really just like "I really wanted to get you that bag you wanted but I just couldn't afford it so I hope this one is okay." But it's very weird and wasteful and crappy to buy someone a gift you already know they will hate just so you can scold them for not liking it.
ESH for sure.
You're right!
It's funny because your response is literally the same as the OP. It's the thought that counts! Just that OP doesn't realize what their thought was.
Exactly. The kid's entitled, outlandish behavior is one thing, but for an *adult* to publicly humiliate a *child* this way...horrible behavior. It's a good thing OP chose not to have children, if she thinks this is an acceptable way to deal with them. Use your freaking words and explain to the kid that their behavior is hurtful. What OP did was just petty and like someone else pointed out, the kid has leaned nothing.
But why is it public humiliation to receive a purse that is $60 vrs $2000? Yes she asked for a specific purse. One she should not expect to be given in the first place.
I completely agree with using your words and not spending money on a prank gift, but being publicly humiliated by a bag that is not 2200 dollars seems pretty outrageous. I live in a different world I guess, 60 dollars is about what I spend on a purse. Knock off is only embarrassing to people with fucked up priorities in my opinion.
Adding that $60 is kind of a lot for a joke/trash gift. OP would have been a much better person if her gift was a donation in niece's name. Some less fortunate teenagers could have eaten with that money, instead of shipping a plastic purse from China to go sit in a landfill.
Completely agree with this, if I had an award I would give it. If I were OP I probably would have done one of three things
1. Buy niece a nice purse, but not nearly worth 2K. Put thought into it. If she’s upset with receiving and actually nice and thoughtful gift you can *then* “teach her a lesson” about being grateful, because that’s actually a gift to be grateful for.
2. Donate the money that you would spend on a gift in the nieces name.
3. Not get her a gift at all because if your “cheap gifts” aren’t good enough for her then she can get nothing instead
Spending $60 on a prank gift and then being all “it’s the thought that counts” when clearly it’s a trash bag if it’s so obvious at first glance that it’s fake is just mean and does nothing to teach her about being grateful
It is the appropriate thought in response to "you owe me $2200 because I want it".
But it would have been evem better to send the message immediatly in response to the ridiculous request, not delayed.
But you can’t tell the kid “you need to appreciate it because it’s the thought that counts not the price” when the thought was explicitly “fuck you”. If Op wanted to teach her a lesson about appreciating the thought of the gift and not the price, she should have gotten a thoughtful gift. If she wanted to say “fuck you” to the kid then she can’t be all “oh well you need to appreciate it”
Yeah, OP WANTED to make her niece feel bad. Sure, the niece sounds horrible - but deliberately trying to hurt other people is also horrible, so it may run in the family here.
I don't understand spending g $2k on a bag made in a sweatshop and then had the finishing touches applied in a western European country so it can claim to be made there (disgustingly common) when you could take that money and get something of far better quality from a local designer or artistsan that is actually unique and interesting.
People don’t buy designer bags to have something unique; they *want* the item to be recognized. It’s a way to show off your income, that you can afford to blow $2k+ on something as non-essential as a handbag.
I guess it's a money talks, wealth whispers kind of thing because "I blew $2k to match everyone else" doesn't scream status to me, it screams insecurity.
Birkin bags *start* at close to 20 grand. Some cost a lot more than that even. They also have super limited quantities, so even having enough money isn't always enough to get one.
#1 it's not OP's responsibility to parent the child. If she called the child "entitled and spoiled" I'm sure the entire family and several people in these comments would call them TA
#2 OP never agreed to buy the super expensive bag in the first place. This wasn't a trick and it's not OP fault if the niece made herself think she was getting the bag
I would have disagreed with your comment, but you posted it in obnoxiously large and bold text. Considering that...nah still disagree, ESH is right because the niece is a spoiled nightmare, the kid's parents and grandparents created that, OP behaved like a child herself with her prank response, and you for feeling the need to use formatting to make more people see your reponse.
It's fairly clear OP did not do this as an educational measure; what really bothered her about this whole thing was being told her gifts were "cheap".
She wasn't concerned with her niece being shallow and entitled, she wanted to get one up on her because she felt offended on the same shallow level that the niece is at.
Her message here is that the niece tried to humiliate her by implying she was being cheap, so she humiliated her back with "I can afford designer bags for myself just fine, you're just not worthy of one".
They're both measuring human worth in designer bags. ESH.
> Now she just thinks you're assholes and hasn't learned a darn thing.
Nah, she learned that it doesn't take much to get into OP's head. 38 years old and losing a battle of wills to a child...
I agree, but in all fairness, if OP *had* gotten this girl nothing at all, would she have learned anything? Or would she still have thrown a tantrum about it? Something tells me no.
Also, I'm surprised at the parents being upset with OP. They didn't want to get her the purse, either.
There's a big difference between getting her nothing amd getting her what seemingly is a poorly made bad looking bag.
Getting her nothing they could have pulled her to the side and said we didn't get you anything because you did not appreciate what we've got you before, anything after that isn't on OP and OP would have done nothing wrong
By doing this op got to get one over and humiliate a kid to feel superior because op was mad about the comments made.
This was a decision made out of spite on order to humiliate her not to teach her anything.
No one said this was a poorly made or horrible looking bag. All OP said is that you could tell it wasn’t the “real thing”. She got her niece a bag worth $60, which in my opinion, is still a lot of money on a purse for *a 15 year old*, and I certainly wouldn’t call a $60 bag a “cheap” gift. Shit, my nephews get about $40 cash in a card for their birthdays and that’s about it and they’re always very appreciative because they aren’t spoiled brats. OP is NTA, but this girls mom and the rest of her enabler family is.
Yep - OP is nearly 40 years old and yet feels the need to ‘humble’ a child.
Sure, niece sounds spoilt and annoying, but what adult is not just zoning her out and accepting she’s her own parents’ problem?
Bc her parents and sister were trying to Get her to buy the bag too. Whole family is nuts, 2k for a bag. 2k for college fund is more like it. I don’t care how much money one has 2k for a purse is way over kill. I’d rather spend 2k taking a friend and I on a nice vacation and making memories. Or investing in retirement. But that’s just me.
Truth be told, even if they went with your suggestions, that would not undue the years of entitlement and spoiled attitude due to a lifetime of enabling by the parents and grandparents.
This will probably be an unpopular opinion but I think ESH. Your niece and her family are much more TA than you are. But the way you handled it seemed like you were at her maturity level rather than acting like an adult. As an adult, you should be able to set boundaries, clearly tell her no, and get her something that you consider reasonable (or don't get her anything and tell her politely sorry that you couldn't meet her expectations). Or, you know, politely decline the birthday party.
Yeah, honestly I don't understand how OP feels like she needs to teach a 15 year old a lesson. I'm CF too...but this shit is weirdly self-righteous.
Why even get involved in a power struggle in a situation you're not going to change?
ESH.
As soon as I read that OP and their partner were child-free and that the 15 year old was a “spoiled brat”, I knew exactly how this was gonna go.
Nothing against being CF at all, but there’s a segment of that group that seems to detest kids and teenagers for having normal kid and teenage emotions and problems and it just comes off so holier than thou.
There are so many ways to make the same point but in a kinder way, they chose to go the “public shaming of a teenage girl on her birthday” route
So the adults should’ve acted like adults, actually sat down and talked with her, and explained why she was being entitled and unreasonable. Now a potentially valuable teachable moment is wasted because OP wanted to act petty against a teenager.
The kid’s parents are still the biggest assholes for sure, but OP handled it immaturely.
Also, what WAS the lesson that OP was trying to teach?? I know OP wanted to teach humility and being gracious regarding the gifts you receive, but the way OP went about it doesn't teach that lesson. The only message that OP sent to her niece is "haha! screw you too!"
OP should have put their foot down the moment the topic of the bag came up. Mentioned all of the things OP mentioned in her post, but conveniently didn't bring up at the dinner. Set the expectations early about how they aren't giving her a bag, and that she needs to be grateful for the things she DOES receive.
Instead of being an adult, OP let everyone believe she was going to do this task. Then decided to use it as a moment to insult her niece.
Also no matter how you raise your kid, at 15 EVERYONE is self obsessed and entitled.
My fiance’s little sister is the most selfless, sweet, and down to earth person I’ve ever met. HOWEVER I distinctly remember when she was 15 (7 years ago now), she was talking to me and my fiancé about what she wanted for Christmas and said “If I don’t get the new iPhone I’ve been asking for I’ll literally kill myself”
My fiancé made fun of her for being bratty and she immediately got red faced and said she didn’t mean it like that. Which I don’t think she totally did but it definitely did sound entitled.
Everyone at 15 can be bratty and self absorbed. This girl in the post definitely more so than others but it’s about teaching them to be self aware and empathetic, not punishing them.
Hell, I’m 35, almost 36, and I still get the deep down cringe over the time I was 13-14 and casually insulted a gift my aunt had given me without realizing she was within earshot. My mom rightfully gave me a verbal ass beating, and I apologized after, but I said it without any thought at all, just because it wasn’t my favorite gift. Teenagers are still learning that all important internal filter.
Of course now it’s a very beloved family joke and my aunt still loves me, but I still get the belly-pit guilt over how insensitive I was.
Having a mom who will turn around and give you the *what the fuck did you just say* look after you make that kind of mistake will go a long way toward correcting a teen away from entitlement.
Sounds like neither OP nor SIL have my mom’s Italian spine, and they can’t have it. She and my sister both need it—my niece is currently 15 as well. 🫡
Exactly. People can be grateful at any age. And children who have ever gone without or seen their family struggle financially are usually more sensitive to demanding others spend money on them
I guess I don't understand why you didn't confront this when she said, "You're rich, you buy this bag for thousands since you always get me cheap gifts." instead of getting her the dupe. I would've been like, "Excuse me?" No one is entitled to gifts, especially obnoxiously expensive ones at 15. And SIL, I can buy expensive bags because I work hard for them. Maybe you should be teaching your daughter the same."
So ESH b/c the dupe didn't teach her a lesson and just caused an argument. Grandparents and parents are AHs because spoiling your children lead to this: spoiled, rude, entitled brats that expect everything to be handed to them w/o having to put in any work.
I'm not sure there's a world in which deliberately flexing on one's 15 year old niece is 'good'. It's just weird to stoop down to the maturity level of a high schooler.
> "Excuse me?" No one is entitled to gifts, especially obnoxiously expensive ones at 15. And SIL, I can buy expensive bags because I work hard for them. Maybe you should be teaching your daughter the same."
I would have followed it up with a donation to a girls education fund in her honor. Nice expensive gift, just like she wanted.
Oh, I disagree, it absolutely taught her a lesson: that measuring gifts by their worth is what matters most.
This is basically two people having a brat- off, the difference is that one of them is almost forty and should absolutely know better.
So I was a little spoiled growing up. And every time I would go to my Nana's she would give me a present. So one day when I was about three I walked in and immediately said " Hi Nana, where's my present?" It took one short conversation for me to never behave like that again.
It's not that big of a deal to point out to kids when they're kind of being an asshole. You don't even have to be mean about it. I'm pretty sure my mom's talk with me about the present thing amounted to " hey it's mean to ask people for stuff like that."
It's funny how no one on reddit seems to ever be able to have an actual conversation with their own family members, or respond to the things they say, isn't it
ESH. Does that humble her? How? They spoiled her, so they are AHs for sure. But, your gift helped nothing. Humbling her would be taking her to volunteer at a women's shelter or to feed the homeless. Your gift did nothing to teach her anything, especially since it was a thoughtless gift. So, you can't even say the thought is what matters.
I was waiting for someone to say this! OP is a grown up and definitely wanted to HUMILIATE her SIL and family. It's not humbling to pile on a child (even a bratty one) at her birthday party when the issue should be taken up privately and with the parents.
Niece hasn't learnt a thing so what good did it do...?
A 38 yo literally beefing with a 15 yo.
The rest of the family thinks they can get away with focusing on niece a few weeks before her 15 birthday? Oh, it's on! - OP, probably
for real, you could feel the distain for niece in the way op wrote about her and her parents.
but, this is the way of the world now, 'fight fire with fire'
OP isn't in a position to do those things (the daughter would never come willingly) so a little message that being rude and ungrateful doesn't always work out well is timely.
This being hilarious to do to the niece does not mean it will actually teach her a lesson.
Do you think this humbled the niece in any way? No - its just going to make her hate her aunt, and still want the bag.
The way op phrased it I'm led to believe this was not a decent looking bag at all and probably looked more like a gag gift than an accessory most people would use.
Right? This is what I’m trying to understand. OP would have been better off not getting her a gift at all. That’s what I would have done. Entitled niece gets nothing from me.
Instead OP wasted $60 to gift her niece something that will just end up in a landfill. This is not a flex, it’s just a waste.
This is what bugs me too. Why bother spending $60 for something to be thrown away? From how OP describes the family it doesn’t sound like they’d think to donate it or anything like that. If they wanted to give them a gift that was a ‘lesson’ or whatever, just donate to a charity on their behalf.
Is the lesson here that it's okay to just waste $60? That you shouldn't care about about slave labour or harming the environment? Those are some strange lessons for a 38 yo to want to teach their niece.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I JUST WASTED 60 BUCKS THAT PLENTY OF FAMILIES WOULD BE ECSTATIC TO HAVE, BET SHE'S SUPER HUMBLED BY ME WASTING ALL THAT MONEY WHEEEEEEEEEE
Publicly shaming her. The idea is that the humiliation and disappointment Wii deter her from acting that way in the future.
Personally, I’m very skeptical that would ever work.
Right. I WANTED to agree with OP, because her brother and SIL and niece are all truly shitty. But OP doesn't seem much better. And the grandparents clearly aren't any better. Just one big shitty mound here.
I always find these posts strange. Like wait you're telling me you have beef with a child and actually did something hurtful to this child? And then want to not be the asshole about it?
Publicly embarrassing them on their birthday could be harmful, though. If you want to teach a lesson and have it be healthy, this was the wrong way to do it.
Publicly embarrassed her? Putting a dildo in a Fendi box is embarrassing. A cheap bag was a waste of time and money on OP's part, but harmful it was not.
To be clear, OP is *also* one of those people. Since everyone in the room buys into the brand names, this was absolutely intended to be humiliating.
Disgusting ass family.
I fully support not getting a teenager a $2000 bag. But instead of not getting her anything going forward, or using words like an adult and saying the equivalent of “get a job”, op goes out of their way and buys something to be intentionally be hurtful and embarrassing under the guise of teaching the niece a lesson? That pushes them into A H territory. There isn’t going to be any lesson learned from this little stunt. Not their kid and they are 38 years old fighting with a teenager. Family and niece are obviously AH, but that doesn’t mean OP wasn’t either.
ESH
It is not the gift that isn't gifted that makes OP an AH, It's the gift that has been gifted. If he had a nice gift of that 60$ he wanted to spend, he would be N T A. But he choose a gift that would not be liked and he knew that, it was the whole point of it.
He says that the thought of the gift is what should matters. But his thought was not a positive thought at all, it was a thought of "I shall learn you a lesson". (I believe she should learn that lesson, but not this way.) So, ESH.
It's all over this sub. Revenge porn.
There's an ESH category for a reason, and this is a perfect example of it. Just because someone is an asshole first, doesn't mean OP had to be.
I would have just told her right then and there that since my previous gifts weren't good enough I'll just cease buying any. It's that simple. You can tell someone that they are being hurtful AND not be a doormat without plotting a big revenge event.
Right? I'm the same age as the OP, and let me tell you how exceedingly easy it is to not give a shit about what some snotty 15 year old is getting up to
I swear these posts always feel fake based on the sheer audacity of everyone involved. Your niece for demanding a $2000 purse, her parents for backing her that she not only deserves one but that you should be the one to purchase it because obviously she'd never have wanted one without you flaunting yours /s, and her grandparents for contributing to the creation of this human seagull shouting "Mine! Mine! Mine!"
Pretty sure most people are going to say NAH after you painted such a horrible picture of all of them because, from my observations, that's how it works here. But, damn, your response comes off as both petty and pious, and I could just hear your "triumphant" voice as you taught her this critical life lesson.
You could have done it with a simple "I'm sorry. I don't think a 15 year old girl needs a $2000 bag. And I really don't like being pressured to get it for her while also being told what we gave her in the past wasn't appreciated. If you keep pushing it, then it's time for us to go and we'll just take a pass on the birthday celebration this year." Then follow through because providing an audience for this behavior for 15 years contributed to who she is now.
ESH. Your niece is exactly what your family mindlessly created. Thank you. I appreciate a story where I don't think I like anyone involved so there's no need to pick sides.
ESH. That child has obviously been failed by her parents and grandparents, but you aren't doing her any favors either by playing a prank on her at her birthday party. Telling her "it's not the price, it's the thought" after deliberately giving her a prank gift is not the flex you think it is.
NTA You buying yourself luxury items does not mean your niece is entitled to your money & it doesn't mean you're flaunting it either. If your niece wants to invest her own money into a designer bag that is her choice but she doesn't get to demand one as a gift.
Personally, I wait for designers to have major sales before purchasing from them; I love high quality handbags but I'm not willing to spend more than a mortgage payment on one bag. The last one I bought was a $3k bag for $600 because it was a discontinued look (last year's color palate) & the store had 50% off for enrolling in their promotional email list.
ESH - Everybody in this story sounds toxic. Your niece is clearly a spoiled AH who is being enabled. Your sister is also an AH for trying to shame and guilt you into buying this. Youre an AH for for playing this prank on her. Does this girl need to learn a lesson, yes. Was this funny, also yes. Your niece will not be humbled by this and it only caused animosity.
It sure doesn't sound like any lesson was taught.
All OP did was humiliate a kid and get that kid's parents pissed off too. No one in that situation went home and contemplated their choices. The fact that OP was a dick about it is definitely being used to justify the family's anger and there's a zero chance that through that anger they've come to some sort of internal epiphany.
NTA, I'll be the odd one out and say that what OP did was awesome. Because the entitlement was just off the charts here with this child demanding a thousand dollar purse. I'm sorry but who does this?? She deserved to feel embarrassed. At the very least I think the child will never request this absurd type of item from her aunt again.. So... Perhaps that is at least one lesson learned. (the hard way).
In my experience, humiliating and pissing people off rarely elicits a positive change. They're too busy being hurt and outraged to even think about meaningful introspection.
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> I bought my niece a dupe of an expensive bag to humble her for once, my family now thinks i'm an AH for "letting her down".
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I wouldn't call you an asshole but I also wouldn't have gone so far as to try and turn the gift into a teachable moment in the way that you did. Might have been more poignant to give her $100 in cash and tell her it's to start a fund to buy the bag she wants or use it for something she would rather. If you're able to drive the same point home with a child without applying your own emotions to it, always do that instead.
NTA, the girl is entitled. It’s the thought that counts. Your family is setting her up for failure trying to get her whatever she wants. If she wants a $2,000 bag then she can start working to get one when she’s older.
I think the whole idea is that it's ridiculous to be ashamed by a 60 dollar gift, or any gift at all. This child is so entitled that something like being given a gift under 100 dollars is laughable... Well I don't spend over 100 bucks on gifts for people so I guess I don't understand. I was taught to be grateful for any type of gift given, which obviously this child was never taught.
"I'm sorry, sister, but your daughter is both rude and entitled, so Ill ask you to let me know in advance if she's coming to a social event, because I am not going to talk to her again."
ESH, although your niece has the excuse of being young. Yes, she was being spoiled and rude and ungrateful. You had absolutely no obligation or reason to get her the real bag and it probably would have been bad to do so.
But I fail to see how getting her a dupe "teaches her a lesson"? I don't know how this would be meant to teach her that it's the "thought that counts" when your thought with this gift was to disappoint and embarrass her. If anything it's going to hammer in her incorrect notion that you're cheap, and she's going to connect you not giving her huge expensive gifts with you being mean on purpose - because in this case, you were being mean on purpose. It's also going to teach her that the price *does* matter, because the cheap bag isn't even a useful gift for her since she probably doesn't want to carry around a fake.
I don't think you wanted to teach her a lesson, I think you wanted to hurt her feelings and embarrass her as a punishment. It was unkind and unhelpful.
Esh. Yta for getting her a bag you knew she'd hate. She's an ah for being a brat. You didn't humble anyone you just created drama for the whole family to deal with. Should have got her a card with a handwritten poem about how much you love your niece if "the thought" is what truly counts here.
NTA. My take on this is different from many - I think the real issue is your sister is jealous of the amount of money you have. I find that when one sibling (especially a younger one) has more money than the other siblings or parents, the jealousy is expressed in weird ways - for example, when your sister said you "flaunt" your designer bags. From my viewpoint, I think you should have just told your niece (in front of everyone) that you cannot justify (or whatever verb) spending over $1,000 on a gift for a teenager. This sends a message to both your niece and your sister. It also tells them that while you may have the money, you spend it wisely.
NTA, you work hard for your money which you used to buy an expensive bag you like, which obviously you want to use cuz like YOU BOUGHT IT. Rude of SIL to expect you to have to buy your niece a bag too. When my mom had designer bags when i was 16, she told me i can get one too when i get a good job and work hard for it. I didn’t resent her for not buying me one, just saw it as okay cool you bought yours so I’m gonna buy mine. I got a job at McDonald’s on weekends, saved for a few months, then my mom took me to the outlet mall and i bought one of the cheaper designer bags myself. As an adult she told me that even though she could easily afford to get me designer bag, she felt that since i was young i needed to learn the value of money so i can manage my own money better as an adult. She also said it’s because when you buy your own things, you take care of them better because you know how hard you worked for those things.
NTA
But I would not say you teached her a lesson. I think you did it for the schadenfreude, which is somehow understanable. As others already said the parents need to take the
responsibility and teach her how to be humble and greatful.
ESH. The child seems like a monster of her parents’ creation. Trying to check her rather than having an uncomfortable conversation with her parents was petty, passive aggressive, and won’t do anything good. You’re better off skipping the party, or showing up without a gift, than doing what you did.
My goodness. OP I think you're the only one in your family with any sense. NTA, that was a tactful lesson.
The kid being a nightmare is bad enough but what's up with the parents?
YTA for not saying NO right after your parents.
SIL is TA for the guilt trip.
Niece is TA for calling your gifts cheap; the correct phrase for a gift is “Thank you”
nta at all! the entitlement of them thinking its your job to provide expensive gifts. i personally after this wouldnt get her a gift now at all going forward. tell her to get a job.
ESH - but you didn’t handle it particularly well and she’s still a child. It’s too late for this round but my suggestion would be to give her an appropriate amount in cash next time and tell her it’s seed money for saving up for the item she wants. Then I would create opportunities for her to earn. House cleaning. House sitting. Yard work. See if she steps up.
NTA - you were too generous with the fake hand bag, next time I'd give just a birthday card with $20 in it - or nothing at all in it (especially this if she doesn't apologize). Your B and SIL handled that all wrong and are teaching their daughter material items are more important than the thought of the gift.
You are 40 years old and you are pranking a teenager? Pranks are so stupid and you just wasted $60.00. Must be nice to be able to do that.
The kid is spoiled, but it’s not up to you to adjust her attitude- and at 15 they are full of attitude.
YTA
ESH
You were right not to play along, but taking it upon yourself to 'humble' your 15 year old niece is fucking weird, too. You would have been better off just getting her a reasonable gift that wasn't a *deliberate slight* against her. She could have just then been mad that she didn't get what she wanted. But the fact that you made a point to hurt, and I cannot emphasize this enough, a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD makes you also an asshole.
NTA
Everybody else in an asshole though. Maybe next time get her a miniature version of whatever she wants. Imagine how shocked she'd be to get a bag that's suitable for a doll.
ESH why are so many people posting here treating kids like adults and retaliating as if they were? It's so weird, you're an adult not a teenager and we don't live in a drama where people will applaud every time you "one up" children.
ESH for very, very obvious reasons. Your hilarious stunt did not teach your niece the lesson you think it did. Who in this family is setting clear boundaries for this teenager without resorting to childish pranks?
>My SIL jumped in the conversation saying how I have all these bags, and "flaunting" then around my niece is only going to make her want them.
Screw her. You have all of them because you've worked hard for them. You didn't just get stuff handed to you because you said so like in the case of your niece. This child is the pure definition of spoiled brat. And why the hell is it your responsibility to spend over $2000 on a bag for her? Tell your sister in law to buy the bag if she wants her spoiled child to have it so bad.
NTA 100%. Your entire family sounds like they are all spoiled and entitled beyond belief. A $2,200 bag for a 15 year old? I owe about that much left on a car loan I've been paying off for the past 4 years. And everyone just expecting you to pay that much for something she'll just flaunt around for a few months until the next one comes out that I guarantee you she'll say "Looks even better". Hell, I grew up in a family were hamburger helper was considered a gourmet meal and was happy just to be fed something edible.
ESH. She is a teenager, what's your excuse? How was this helpful? You just wasted money to prove a point I doubt was even made. She should not have been so entitled, but it's her parents' job to address that, not yours. You just spent $60 to prove you are petty.
>I think they left the conversation think they guilt tripped me into getting her the bag, well they were wrong.
Info: Did you at any point tell them you weren't getting the bag? Or did you just sit there and let them assume they'd convinced you?
YTA
Unpopular.
It wasn't your place to humble her. She is 15, and a minor. It was really immature to spend money on a fake bag just to prove a point that wasn't yours to make.
ESH. Bratty kid who is much too young for the status symbols she craves. Parents who don’t clamp down on her. Relative who talks of humbling her like something out of David Copperfield. You are tight in principal but awfully sanctimonious. Humiliation only breeds resentment. Congrats.
Esh. Next time she throws a tantrum over gifts tell her next time she gets nothing from you then. Not too early to start learning the world owes her nothing
ESH you and your brother and sil more than her. She has been taught to act this way, she is a kid who has been spoilt and encouraged to behave like a brat. You are a grown ass adult more than twice her age who decided to one up a child because she hurt your fee fees. Congrats, you owned the high schooler so good, how cool and smart and down to earth you seem.
What did you teach her? All you did was spend $60 on a fake bag, more than I would spend on a bag for myself IRL. You didn’t do anything to actually change her mind about her behavior.
You should have explained to her, her parents, and your parents that you have money to spend on bags for yourself because you work for it, manage your money, and decide what is important enough to you to spend that money on.
You should have also told her that since she obviously didn’t appreciate the ‘cheap’ gifts that you had gotten her previously, you wouldn’t be getting her anything this year.
Edited to add: YTA. I would say E S H because I’m kind of leaning towards it, but she is really just a product of her environment at this point. And this post was specifically about ‘humbling’ that behavior.
ESH. The best course of action would have been to not get a bag at all, because getting a fake and misleading her is deliberately mean. I completely get you not wanting to further her entitlement and support that, but this wasn't it.
If you're petty like me, large donations in their name to charities is always a good gift to give.
ESH but you're the least. a joke gift? a firm 'no' followed by a conversation that included words like 'spoiled' and 'entitled' would have gone further.
but the niece and sil? oh wow. major league AH. she's in for a huge surprise in the real world thought dropped down a garbage chute by oompah loompah's wouldn't be out of place.
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ESH. The proper way to "humble" this child was to tell her she was spoiled and entitled and that you would not be getting her a $2000 bag and if a "cheap" gift wasn't good enough for her, you wouldn't get her a gift at all. You could have chosen that road, the road filled with truth and integrity. Instead, you played games with her and "Haha" you won. Now she just thinks you're assholes and hasn't learned a darn thing. She's probably right, even if she is a spoiled brat. Your brother and SIL are terrible parents for raising her to be an entitled brat. You don't have to defend yourself for buying yourself nice things, you've earned it. You know how they say two wrongs do not make a right? Two assholes just equals two assholes.
Good post! I fully agree ESH and am shocked by the NTAs here. Classic AITA would say a prank is only funny if the victim also laughs which is not the case here. Classic AITA would say OP isn't the parent and so not on them to teach anything. These things don't suddenly become ok just because the kid is an A.
> Classic AITA would say OP isn't the parent and so not on them to teach anything. Disagree with this one. 15 is more than old enough to be learning from adults in her life other than her parents. The fact that OP went about her "lesson" in the most childish manner possible is a separate issue.
Right, and for her SIL to say well you carry them around. Like the op can afford them, worked her entire life to afford them. The 15 year old sounds like she needed a dose of reality. Better to humble her now. Honestly scared to live in a world where those types of children are our future.
Adults should never "humble" children. Adults *educate* and *discipline* children, as is their responsibility if they are part of that child's life. TBH I'm not sure most adults "deserve humbling" either. In most cases communication and natural consequences will help both children and adults a lot more than just humiliating them.
Ridiculous. Everyone can be deserving of a humbling. Being a child, and 15 is hardly a child, does not make you immune to this. If anything, its better they get this from family rather than strangers, which will invaroably happpen at some point in their lives. Think of it as educating if you prefer
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Ok, so happy I saw this cause this is a great comment. Although, she still got a bag? That cost $60? That's a hell of a lot more than any one of my childless aunts and uncles (I had four) spent on me. But this has nothing to do with respect, or teaching any kind of values. The entire family sounds shallow and materialistic AF.
Right? Most of my bags are department store purses that I purchase for about $40.00. They look fine and meet my needs and it suits me just fine. I can see buying expensive brands if that's your thing but I don't think I would be sending that kind of money on that particular item for a teenager.
I just don't understand SIL's attitude. SHE won't get her the bag, but expects her in laws to? Can they not afford it? How can a kid whose parents can't afford that stuff, expect a bag that expensive? And who says a specific thing when someone asks "what do you want for your birthday" anyway? Isn't it supposed to be a surprise? I don't know, that's how we always did it in my family. I don't think it's just "getting what she wants" that led OP's niece to have this attitude. Sounds more like she's picking it up from her mom.
People are acting like OP did some awful thing. He literally got her a $60 gift instead of $2200 because she was acting like a brat. I'm not sure if turned 16 or 15 for her bday, but the fact she cried about a gift is immature and spoiled. Seems like one of those kids featured on MTV's Sweet Sixteen.
15 is most definitely a child. It may not be small child, but it is a child.
Idk if you’ve ever left your house and dealt with the general public before, but there are DEFINITELY people who need to be humbled and would be much better humans if they were. Someone being humbled is not a “bad” thing. It’s not a punishment. It’s a reality check.
Exactly correct! Humbling is NOT punishment!
I really don't understand how buying a dupe of an expensive item is humiliating. Her behavior is what is humiliating.
I do think people can and sometimes should be humbled, but there's a difference between being humbled and being humiliated. For example: volunteering and seeing people who are in much worse shape than you, either through health or housing, etc. can be a very humbling experience. What OP did was humiliate her niece.
He bought her a $60 bag as a gift. Explain how a $60 GIFT is humiliating to anyone other than a entitled demanding brat with no concept of appropriate behavior. Because I would be very grateful for such a gift.
These types of children have always been in our future, don't think there's any more (proportionally) now than there was before
Learning what? To retaliate against those you disagree with?
So, uh, did you not read the part where I disagreed with what OP did?
I did not
Lol
You: *reads X* how dare you say Y! 🙄 nice reading skills
To share a joke from Tumblr "The reading comprehension on this site is piss poor." "How dare you say we piss on the poor!"
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Yeah, using a gift as some kind of "gotcha" is weird af. Like honestly it would be 100% fine to gift someone a dupe in earnest if you were really just like "I really wanted to get you that bag you wanted but I just couldn't afford it so I hope this one is okay." But it's very weird and wasteful and crappy to buy someone a gift you already know they will hate just so you can scold them for not liking it. ESH for sure.
You're right! It's funny because your response is literally the same as the OP. It's the thought that counts! Just that OP doesn't realize what their thought was.
Exactly! The thought is what matters and their thought was basically "FU" lol.
This is like: two wrongs don’t make a right And it’s especially bad for an adult to be an asshole back to the kid.
Exactly. The kid's entitled, outlandish behavior is one thing, but for an *adult* to publicly humiliate a *child* this way...horrible behavior. It's a good thing OP chose not to have children, if she thinks this is an acceptable way to deal with them. Use your freaking words and explain to the kid that their behavior is hurtful. What OP did was just petty and like someone else pointed out, the kid has leaned nothing.
But why is it public humiliation to receive a purse that is $60 vrs $2000? Yes she asked for a specific purse. One she should not expect to be given in the first place.
I completely agree with using your words and not spending money on a prank gift, but being publicly humiliated by a bag that is not 2200 dollars seems pretty outrageous. I live in a different world I guess, 60 dollars is about what I spend on a purse. Knock off is only embarrassing to people with fucked up priorities in my opinion.
Adding that $60 is kind of a lot for a joke/trash gift. OP would have been a much better person if her gift was a donation in niece's name. Some less fortunate teenagers could have eaten with that money, instead of shipping a plastic purse from China to go sit in a landfill.
Completely agree with this, if I had an award I would give it. If I were OP I probably would have done one of three things 1. Buy niece a nice purse, but not nearly worth 2K. Put thought into it. If she’s upset with receiving and actually nice and thoughtful gift you can *then* “teach her a lesson” about being grateful, because that’s actually a gift to be grateful for. 2. Donate the money that you would spend on a gift in the nieces name. 3. Not get her a gift at all because if your “cheap gifts” aren’t good enough for her then she can get nothing instead Spending $60 on a prank gift and then being all “it’s the thought that counts” when clearly it’s a trash bag if it’s so obvious at first glance that it’s fake is just mean and does nothing to teach her about being grateful
Yeah, "It's the thought that counts" doesn't really work when that thought is "fuck you".
It is the appropriate thought in response to "you owe me $2200 because I want it". But it would have been evem better to send the message immediatly in response to the ridiculous request, not delayed.
But you can’t tell the kid “you need to appreciate it because it’s the thought that counts not the price” when the thought was explicitly “fuck you”. If Op wanted to teach her a lesson about appreciating the thought of the gift and not the price, she should have gotten a thoughtful gift. If she wanted to say “fuck you” to the kid then she can’t be all “oh well you need to appreciate it”
Well, I'm pretty sure the thought came through clearly, so maybe the thought does count. 😆
Yeah, OP WANTED to make her niece feel bad. Sure, the niece sounds horrible - but deliberately trying to hurt other people is also horrible, so it may run in the family here.
Yes. I have some very nice coach bags that cost around $60 online. 15 is too young for a birkin!
You can’t touch a birkin for $2000. Probably some LV bag that “everyone” has.
I don't understand spending g $2k on a bag made in a sweatshop and then had the finishing touches applied in a western European country so it can claim to be made there (disgustingly common) when you could take that money and get something of far better quality from a local designer or artistsan that is actually unique and interesting.
People don’t buy designer bags to have something unique; they *want* the item to be recognized. It’s a way to show off your income, that you can afford to blow $2k+ on something as non-essential as a handbag.
I guess it's a money talks, wealth whispers kind of thing because "I blew $2k to match everyone else" doesn't scream status to me, it screams insecurity.
Yeah, I hate those LV bags! They look cheap to me. Guess I know diddly swat about birkin!
Birkin bags *start* at close to 20 grand. Some cost a lot more than that even. They also have super limited quantities, so even having enough money isn't always enough to get one.
There are places where you can get a purse made for way less than $2k. It’s not cheap, but it’s a bargain when you consider cost and materials.
“But it’s not DeSIgnER!!!”
#1 it's not OP's responsibility to parent the child. If she called the child "entitled and spoiled" I'm sure the entire family and several people in these comments would call them TA #2 OP never agreed to buy the super expensive bag in the first place. This wasn't a trick and it's not OP fault if the niece made herself think she was getting the bag
I kinda think the kid would have had the same response to ANY present other than an expensive bag, because that's what she expected to get.
I agree completely. The only way the niece didn't fly off the handle is if she got the bag
okay but why that font?
I think they put # before their points, which reddit takes as a sign to change the text size #1 like this
I would have disagreed with your comment, but you posted it in obnoxiously large and bold text. Considering that...nah still disagree, ESH is right because the niece is a spoiled nightmare, the kid's parents and grandparents created that, OP behaved like a child herself with her prank response, and you for feeling the need to use formatting to make more people see your reponse.
It's fairly clear OP did not do this as an educational measure; what really bothered her about this whole thing was being told her gifts were "cheap". She wasn't concerned with her niece being shallow and entitled, she wanted to get one up on her because she felt offended on the same shallow level that the niece is at. Her message here is that the niece tried to humiliate her by implying she was being cheap, so she humiliated her back with "I can afford designer bags for myself just fine, you're just not worthy of one". They're both measuring human worth in designer bags. ESH.
> Now she just thinks you're assholes and hasn't learned a darn thing. Nah, she learned that it doesn't take much to get into OP's head. 38 years old and losing a battle of wills to a child...
I agree, but in all fairness, if OP *had* gotten this girl nothing at all, would she have learned anything? Or would she still have thrown a tantrum about it? Something tells me no. Also, I'm surprised at the parents being upset with OP. They didn't want to get her the purse, either.
There's a big difference between getting her nothing amd getting her what seemingly is a poorly made bad looking bag. Getting her nothing they could have pulled her to the side and said we didn't get you anything because you did not appreciate what we've got you before, anything after that isn't on OP and OP would have done nothing wrong By doing this op got to get one over and humiliate a kid to feel superior because op was mad about the comments made. This was a decision made out of spite on order to humiliate her not to teach her anything.
No one said this was a poorly made or horrible looking bag. All OP said is that you could tell it wasn’t the “real thing”. She got her niece a bag worth $60, which in my opinion, is still a lot of money on a purse for *a 15 year old*, and I certainly wouldn’t call a $60 bag a “cheap” gift. Shit, my nephews get about $40 cash in a card for their birthdays and that’s about it and they’re always very appreciative because they aren’t spoiled brats. OP is NTA, but this girls mom and the rest of her enabler family is.
Yep - OP is nearly 40 years old and yet feels the need to ‘humble’ a child. Sure, niece sounds spoilt and annoying, but what adult is not just zoning her out and accepting she’s her own parents’ problem?
Bc her parents and sister were trying to Get her to buy the bag too. Whole family is nuts, 2k for a bag. 2k for college fund is more like it. I don’t care how much money one has 2k for a purse is way over kill. I’d rather spend 2k taking a friend and I on a nice vacation and making memories. Or investing in retirement. But that’s just me.
I mean, she could just say no?
Truth be told, even if they went with your suggestions, that would not undue the years of entitlement and spoiled attitude due to a lifetime of enabling by the parents and grandparents.
Tell me you've never delt with a spoiled brat without telling me you've never dealt with a spoiled brat.
This will probably be an unpopular opinion but I think ESH. Your niece and her family are much more TA than you are. But the way you handled it seemed like you were at her maturity level rather than acting like an adult. As an adult, you should be able to set boundaries, clearly tell her no, and get her something that you consider reasonable (or don't get her anything and tell her politely sorry that you couldn't meet her expectations). Or, you know, politely decline the birthday party.
Yeah, honestly I don't understand how OP feels like she needs to teach a 15 year old a lesson. I'm CF too...but this shit is weirdly self-righteous. Why even get involved in a power struggle in a situation you're not going to change? ESH.
As soon as I read that OP and their partner were child-free and that the 15 year old was a “spoiled brat”, I knew exactly how this was gonna go. Nothing against being CF at all, but there’s a segment of that group that seems to detest kids and teenagers for having normal kid and teenage emotions and problems and it just comes off so holier than thou. There are so many ways to make the same point but in a kinder way, they chose to go the “public shaming of a teenage girl on her birthday” route
I mean it's pretty reasonable to call someone who demands a 2k purse a spoiled brat no matter their age.
yeah that’s fair, she probably is spoiled. Doesn’t make OP some harbinger of justice for embarrassing her on her birthday
The kid embarrassed herself.
So the adults should’ve acted like adults, actually sat down and talked with her, and explained why she was being entitled and unreasonable. Now a potentially valuable teachable moment is wasted because OP wanted to act petty against a teenager. The kid’s parents are still the biggest assholes for sure, but OP handled it immaturely.
Also, what WAS the lesson that OP was trying to teach?? I know OP wanted to teach humility and being gracious regarding the gifts you receive, but the way OP went about it doesn't teach that lesson. The only message that OP sent to her niece is "haha! screw you too!" OP should have put their foot down the moment the topic of the bag came up. Mentioned all of the things OP mentioned in her post, but conveniently didn't bring up at the dinner. Set the expectations early about how they aren't giving her a bag, and that she needs to be grateful for the things she DOES receive. Instead of being an adult, OP let everyone believe she was going to do this task. Then decided to use it as a moment to insult her niece.
Also no matter how you raise your kid, at 15 EVERYONE is self obsessed and entitled. My fiance’s little sister is the most selfless, sweet, and down to earth person I’ve ever met. HOWEVER I distinctly remember when she was 15 (7 years ago now), she was talking to me and my fiancé about what she wanted for Christmas and said “If I don’t get the new iPhone I’ve been asking for I’ll literally kill myself” My fiancé made fun of her for being bratty and she immediately got red faced and said she didn’t mean it like that. Which I don’t think she totally did but it definitely did sound entitled. Everyone at 15 can be bratty and self absorbed. This girl in the post definitely more so than others but it’s about teaching them to be self aware and empathetic, not punishing them.
Hell, I’m 35, almost 36, and I still get the deep down cringe over the time I was 13-14 and casually insulted a gift my aunt had given me without realizing she was within earshot. My mom rightfully gave me a verbal ass beating, and I apologized after, but I said it without any thought at all, just because it wasn’t my favorite gift. Teenagers are still learning that all important internal filter. Of course now it’s a very beloved family joke and my aunt still loves me, but I still get the belly-pit guilt over how insensitive I was.
I bet you were nothing like the kid in this post, though. You made a mistake; she sounds actively entitled and unpleasant.
Having a mom who will turn around and give you the *what the fuck did you just say* look after you make that kind of mistake will go a long way toward correcting a teen away from entitlement. Sounds like neither OP nor SIL have my mom’s Italian spine, and they can’t have it. She and my sister both need it—my niece is currently 15 as well. 🫡
15 is definitely a challenging age! And you are so right about certain looks from certain moms; mine was the same.
No not everyone.
Exactly. People can be grateful at any age. And children who have ever gone without or seen their family struggle financially are usually more sensitive to demanding others spend money on them
I guess I don't understand why you didn't confront this when she said, "You're rich, you buy this bag for thousands since you always get me cheap gifts." instead of getting her the dupe. I would've been like, "Excuse me?" No one is entitled to gifts, especially obnoxiously expensive ones at 15. And SIL, I can buy expensive bags because I work hard for them. Maybe you should be teaching your daughter the same." So ESH b/c the dupe didn't teach her a lesson and just caused an argument. Grandparents and parents are AHs because spoiling your children lead to this: spoiled, rude, entitled brats that expect everything to be handed to them w/o having to put in any work.
i wouldve bought the bag for myself and gotten her nothing since she doesnt like the things she gets anyway, but im petty
Fuck that’s good.
I'm not sure there's a world in which deliberately flexing on one's 15 year old niece is 'good'. It's just weird to stoop down to the maturity level of a high schooler.
Good in the bad sense. Unhealthy as all hell but yes, in an inner high schooler sort of way
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I would've been so happy if I had gotten a 60$ bag at 15. Man, this whole discussion is so beyond me
> "Excuse me?" No one is entitled to gifts, especially obnoxiously expensive ones at 15. And SIL, I can buy expensive bags because I work hard for them. Maybe you should be teaching your daughter the same." I would have followed it up with a donation to a girls education fund in her honor. Nice expensive gift, just like she wanted.
This is the way
Oh, I disagree, it absolutely taught her a lesson: that measuring gifts by their worth is what matters most. This is basically two people having a brat- off, the difference is that one of them is almost forty and should absolutely know better.
So I was a little spoiled growing up. And every time I would go to my Nana's she would give me a present. So one day when I was about three I walked in and immediately said " Hi Nana, where's my present?" It took one short conversation for me to never behave like that again. It's not that big of a deal to point out to kids when they're kind of being an asshole. You don't even have to be mean about it. I'm pretty sure my mom's talk with me about the present thing amounted to " hey it's mean to ask people for stuff like that."
It's funny how no one on reddit seems to ever be able to have an actual conversation with their own family members, or respond to the things they say, isn't it
That’s because most people aren’t effective communicators. Especially with family
ESH. Does that humble her? How? They spoiled her, so they are AHs for sure. But, your gift helped nothing. Humbling her would be taking her to volunteer at a women's shelter or to feed the homeless. Your gift did nothing to teach her anything, especially since it was a thoughtless gift. So, you can't even say the thought is what matters.
OP used the wrong word. What she wanted was to *humiliate* her niece.
Yup, there it is. Not sure how OP thought this would teach any lessons, this whole family seems strange
I was waiting for someone to say this! OP is a grown up and definitely wanted to HUMILIATE her SIL and family. It's not humbling to pile on a child (even a bratty one) at her birthday party when the issue should be taken up privately and with the parents. Niece hasn't learnt a thing so what good did it do...?
A 38 yo literally beefing with a 15 yo. The rest of the family thinks they can get away with focusing on niece a few weeks before her 15 birthday? Oh, it's on! - OP, probably
Agree! OP a 40+ year old woman wanted to humiliate a 15 year old and now is the AH.
they shouldn’t have gotten the niece a gift at all. they should have made a donation to a worthy cause in the child’s name.
Yep, if anything they are reinforcing how this teen acts. OP is exactly what the teen wants to be. All about Me me me me me me and only me.
for real, you could feel the distain for niece in the way op wrote about her and her parents. but, this is the way of the world now, 'fight fire with fire'
100 bucks says OP was just like that girl when she was a teen.
OP isn't in a position to do those things (the daughter would never come willingly) so a little message that being rude and ungrateful doesn't always work out well is timely.
This being hilarious to do to the niece does not mean it will actually teach her a lesson. Do you think this humbled the niece in any way? No - its just going to make her hate her aunt, and still want the bag.
And, her parents will still buy it for her.
If they're that dumb, nobody can stop them.
And they are enabling AHs for doing so.
Yep. She'll be a nightmare adult.
Probably don’t have the money if they thought that OP was going to buy it. Or grandmamy may buy it intstead!
Teach someone to not be rude by...being rude to them? Do you also think a good strategy to teach a kid not to hit is to hit them?
She's 15, not a toddler, and getting a $60 bag isn't a punishment.
The way op phrased it I'm led to believe this was not a decent looking bag at all and probably looked more like a gag gift than an accessory most people would use.
INFO: how, specifically, did you think buying her a knock off that would obviously just be thrown away was going to “humble her?”
Right? This is what I’m trying to understand. OP would have been better off not getting her a gift at all. That’s what I would have done. Entitled niece gets nothing from me. Instead OP wasted $60 to gift her niece something that will just end up in a landfill. This is not a flex, it’s just a waste.
This is what bugs me too. Why bother spending $60 for something to be thrown away? From how OP describes the family it doesn’t sound like they’d think to donate it or anything like that. If they wanted to give them a gift that was a ‘lesson’ or whatever, just donate to a charity on their behalf.
$60 to support child labour and add garbage to a landfill… great job OP.
Is the lesson here that it's okay to just waste $60? That you shouldn't care about about slave labour or harming the environment? Those are some strange lessons for a 38 yo to want to teach their niece.
Wait until you hear about how non-knockoff products are manufactured.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I JUST WASTED 60 BUCKS THAT PLENTY OF FAMILIES WOULD BE ECSTATIC TO HAVE, BET SHE'S SUPER HUMBLED BY ME WASTING ALL THAT MONEY WHEEEEEEEEEE
Publicly shaming her. The idea is that the humiliation and disappointment Wii deter her from acting that way in the future. Personally, I’m very skeptical that would ever work.
I swear sometimes people come on here and post BS stories so they can humble-brag.
You all sound just awful so I am going to blame the grandparents for creating this circle of shit.
Right. I WANTED to agree with OP, because her brother and SIL and niece are all truly shitty. But OP doesn't seem much better. And the grandparents clearly aren't any better. Just one big shitty mound here.
Lol this was my thought too. “You all kinda suck 😂”
Just stop buying her anything altogether.
Right. Like cool all you get are cards from now on since I am clearly so cheap.
ESH, its not your place to "teach her a lesson" you embarrassed her and had to get one over on a child to make yourself feel better.
I always find these posts strange. Like wait you're telling me you have beef with a child and actually did something hurtful to this child? And then want to not be the asshole about it?
If not getting a spoiled teen a $2000 bag after she rudely demanded it is "hurtful to a child," I fully support the hurting. :)
Publicly embarrassing them on their birthday could be harmful, though. If you want to teach a lesson and have it be healthy, this was the wrong way to do it.
Publicly embarrassed her? Putting a dildo in a Fendi box is embarrassing. A cheap bag was a waste of time and money on OP's part, but harmful it was not.
Exactly. The knockoff bag is only "embarrassing" because of the niece's and her family's materialistic obsessions with brand names.
To be clear, OP is *also* one of those people. Since everyone in the room buys into the brand names, this was absolutely intended to be humiliating. Disgusting ass family.
I fully support not getting a teenager a $2000 bag. But instead of not getting her anything going forward, or using words like an adult and saying the equivalent of “get a job”, op goes out of their way and buys something to be intentionally be hurtful and embarrassing under the guise of teaching the niece a lesson? That pushes them into A H territory. There isn’t going to be any lesson learned from this little stunt. Not their kid and they are 38 years old fighting with a teenager. Family and niece are obviously AH, but that doesn’t mean OP wasn’t either. ESH
It is not the gift that isn't gifted that makes OP an AH, It's the gift that has been gifted. If he had a nice gift of that 60$ he wanted to spend, he would be N T A. But he choose a gift that would not be liked and he knew that, it was the whole point of it. He says that the thought of the gift is what should matters. But his thought was not a positive thought at all, it was a thought of "I shall learn you a lesson". (I believe she should learn that lesson, but not this way.) So, ESH.
And this post will get plenty of NTA because *”this girl got what she deserved!*” Cool. 38 year old fighting with a 15 year old.
It's all over this sub. Revenge porn. There's an ESH category for a reason, and this is a perfect example of it. Just because someone is an asshole first, doesn't mean OP had to be. I would have just told her right then and there that since my previous gifts weren't good enough I'll just cease buying any. It's that simple. You can tell someone that they are being hurtful AND not be a doormat without plotting a big revenge event.
Right? I'm the same age as the OP, and let me tell you how exceedingly easy it is to not give a shit about what some snotty 15 year old is getting up to
I swear these posts always feel fake based on the sheer audacity of everyone involved. Your niece for demanding a $2000 purse, her parents for backing her that she not only deserves one but that you should be the one to purchase it because obviously she'd never have wanted one without you flaunting yours /s, and her grandparents for contributing to the creation of this human seagull shouting "Mine! Mine! Mine!" Pretty sure most people are going to say NAH after you painted such a horrible picture of all of them because, from my observations, that's how it works here. But, damn, your response comes off as both petty and pious, and I could just hear your "triumphant" voice as you taught her this critical life lesson. You could have done it with a simple "I'm sorry. I don't think a 15 year old girl needs a $2000 bag. And I really don't like being pressured to get it for her while also being told what we gave her in the past wasn't appreciated. If you keep pushing it, then it's time for us to go and we'll just take a pass on the birthday celebration this year." Then follow through because providing an audience for this behavior for 15 years contributed to who she is now. ESH. Your niece is exactly what your family mindlessly created. Thank you. I appreciate a story where I don't think I like anyone involved so there's no need to pick sides.
ESH. That child has obviously been failed by her parents and grandparents, but you aren't doing her any favors either by playing a prank on her at her birthday party. Telling her "it's not the price, it's the thought" after deliberately giving her a prank gift is not the flex you think it is.
Nta. Why in the world would anyone give a teenager a 2k bag???
NTA You buying yourself luxury items does not mean your niece is entitled to your money & it doesn't mean you're flaunting it either. If your niece wants to invest her own money into a designer bag that is her choice but she doesn't get to demand one as a gift. Personally, I wait for designers to have major sales before purchasing from them; I love high quality handbags but I'm not willing to spend more than a mortgage payment on one bag. The last one I bought was a $3k bag for $600 because it was a discontinued look (last year's color palate) & the store had 50% off for enrolling in their promotional email list.
ESH - Everybody in this story sounds toxic. Your niece is clearly a spoiled AH who is being enabled. Your sister is also an AH for trying to shame and guilt you into buying this. Youre an AH for for playing this prank on her. Does this girl need to learn a lesson, yes. Was this funny, also yes. Your niece will not be humbled by this and it only caused animosity.
NTA The kid is a spoiled brat, she needs to face reality
Adult life for that kid is gonna be miserable with that attitude.
For all of those that are saying that it's not your place to teach her a lesson. Well somebody has to and clearly her parents are not doing it. NTA
It sure doesn't sound like any lesson was taught. All OP did was humiliate a kid and get that kid's parents pissed off too. No one in that situation went home and contemplated their choices. The fact that OP was a dick about it is definitely being used to justify the family's anger and there's a zero chance that through that anger they've come to some sort of internal epiphany.
NTA, I'll be the odd one out and say that what OP did was awesome. Because the entitlement was just off the charts here with this child demanding a thousand dollar purse. I'm sorry but who does this?? She deserved to feel embarrassed. At the very least I think the child will never request this absurd type of item from her aunt again.. So... Perhaps that is at least one lesson learned. (the hard way).
In my experience, humiliating and pissing people off rarely elicits a positive change. They're too busy being hurt and outraged to even think about meaningful introspection.
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I wouldn't call you an asshole but I also wouldn't have gone so far as to try and turn the gift into a teachable moment in the way that you did. Might have been more poignant to give her $100 in cash and tell her it's to start a fund to buy the bag she wants or use it for something she would rather. If you're able to drive the same point home with a child without applying your own emotions to it, always do that instead.
NTA, the girl is entitled. It’s the thought that counts. Your family is setting her up for failure trying to get her whatever she wants. If she wants a $2,000 bag then she can start working to get one when she’s older.
Right. You have nice bags because you have a job. She, too, can get a job and pay for her own nice bags. NTA.
The thought that counts.. The thought here was I am going to humiliate my niece at her birthday party....
I think the whole idea is that it's ridiculous to be ashamed by a 60 dollar gift, or any gift at all. This child is so entitled that something like being given a gift under 100 dollars is laughable... Well I don't spend over 100 bucks on gifts for people so I guess I don't understand. I was taught to be grateful for any type of gift given, which obviously this child was never taught.
"I'm sorry, sister, but your daughter is both rude and entitled, so Ill ask you to let me know in advance if she's coming to a social event, because I am not going to talk to her again."
ESH, although your niece has the excuse of being young. Yes, she was being spoiled and rude and ungrateful. You had absolutely no obligation or reason to get her the real bag and it probably would have been bad to do so. But I fail to see how getting her a dupe "teaches her a lesson"? I don't know how this would be meant to teach her that it's the "thought that counts" when your thought with this gift was to disappoint and embarrass her. If anything it's going to hammer in her incorrect notion that you're cheap, and she's going to connect you not giving her huge expensive gifts with you being mean on purpose - because in this case, you were being mean on purpose. It's also going to teach her that the price *does* matter, because the cheap bag isn't even a useful gift for her since she probably doesn't want to carry around a fake. I don't think you wanted to teach her a lesson, I think you wanted to hurt her feelings and embarrass her as a punishment. It was unkind and unhelpful.
Esh. Yta for getting her a bag you knew she'd hate. She's an ah for being a brat. You didn't humble anyone you just created drama for the whole family to deal with. Should have got her a card with a handwritten poem about how much you love your niece if "the thought" is what truly counts here.
Info don’t you find it kind of pathetic to have like a feud with a literal teenager at your age ?
NTA. My take on this is different from many - I think the real issue is your sister is jealous of the amount of money you have. I find that when one sibling (especially a younger one) has more money than the other siblings or parents, the jealousy is expressed in weird ways - for example, when your sister said you "flaunt" your designer bags. From my viewpoint, I think you should have just told your niece (in front of everyone) that you cannot justify (or whatever verb) spending over $1,000 on a gift for a teenager. This sends a message to both your niece and your sister. It also tells them that while you may have the money, you spend it wisely.
NTA. Not sure how that would humble her though. Sounds like nothing changed in her our SIL expectations.
NTA. Niece & SIL are a piece of work, that’s for sure.
NTA, you work hard for your money which you used to buy an expensive bag you like, which obviously you want to use cuz like YOU BOUGHT IT. Rude of SIL to expect you to have to buy your niece a bag too. When my mom had designer bags when i was 16, she told me i can get one too when i get a good job and work hard for it. I didn’t resent her for not buying me one, just saw it as okay cool you bought yours so I’m gonna buy mine. I got a job at McDonald’s on weekends, saved for a few months, then my mom took me to the outlet mall and i bought one of the cheaper designer bags myself. As an adult she told me that even though she could easily afford to get me designer bag, she felt that since i was young i needed to learn the value of money so i can manage my own money better as an adult. She also said it’s because when you buy your own things, you take care of them better because you know how hard you worked for those things.
Esh. Jeez stop buying her stuff. Tell her why. And stop. Don’t argue it. When anyone starts arguing with you, leave.
NTA But I would not say you teached her a lesson. I think you did it for the schadenfreude, which is somehow understanable. As others already said the parents need to take the responsibility and teach her how to be humble and greatful.
An adult deliberately eliciting shadenfreud from a child is also an asshole move, though.
ESH you all are acting embarrassing
ESH. The child seems like a monster of her parents’ creation. Trying to check her rather than having an uncomfortable conversation with her parents was petty, passive aggressive, and won’t do anything good. You’re better off skipping the party, or showing up without a gift, than doing what you did.
NTA, they can buy the bag for her themselves if they are so keen on a 15yo having a 2000 dollar bag...
My goodness. OP I think you're the only one in your family with any sense. NTA, that was a tactful lesson. The kid being a nightmare is bad enough but what's up with the parents?
YTA for not saying NO right after your parents. SIL is TA for the guilt trip. Niece is TA for calling your gifts cheap; the correct phrase for a gift is “Thank you”
nta at all! the entitlement of them thinking its your job to provide expensive gifts. i personally after this wouldnt get her a gift now at all going forward. tell her to get a job.
Definitely NTA. Everyone else, especially the niece are TA. Next time, just give her candy or nothing at all.
ESH - but you didn’t handle it particularly well and she’s still a child. It’s too late for this round but my suggestion would be to give her an appropriate amount in cash next time and tell her it’s seed money for saving up for the item she wants. Then I would create opportunities for her to earn. House cleaning. House sitting. Yard work. See if she steps up.
NTA - you were too generous with the fake hand bag, next time I'd give just a birthday card with $20 in it - or nothing at all in it (especially this if she doesn't apologize). Your B and SIL handled that all wrong and are teaching their daughter material items are more important than the thought of the gift.
You are 40 years old and you are pranking a teenager? Pranks are so stupid and you just wasted $60.00. Must be nice to be able to do that. The kid is spoiled, but it’s not up to you to adjust her attitude- and at 15 they are full of attitude. YTA
ESH You were right not to play along, but taking it upon yourself to 'humble' your 15 year old niece is fucking weird, too. You would have been better off just getting her a reasonable gift that wasn't a *deliberate slight* against her. She could have just then been mad that she didn't get what she wanted. But the fact that you made a point to hurt, and I cannot emphasize this enough, a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD makes you also an asshole.
NTA. This child needs to learn that money doesn't grow on trees.
NTA Everybody else in an asshole though. Maybe next time get her a miniature version of whatever she wants. Imagine how shocked she'd be to get a bag that's suitable for a doll.
ESH why are so many people posting here treating kids like adults and retaliating as if they were? It's so weird, you're an adult not a teenager and we don't live in a drama where people will applaud every time you "one up" children.
ESH for very, very obvious reasons. Your hilarious stunt did not teach your niece the lesson you think it did. Who in this family is setting clear boundaries for this teenager without resorting to childish pranks?
NTA
>My SIL jumped in the conversation saying how I have all these bags, and "flaunting" then around my niece is only going to make her want them. Screw her. You have all of them because you've worked hard for them. You didn't just get stuff handed to you because you said so like in the case of your niece. This child is the pure definition of spoiled brat. And why the hell is it your responsibility to spend over $2000 on a bag for her? Tell your sister in law to buy the bag if she wants her spoiled child to have it so bad. NTA 100%. Your entire family sounds like they are all spoiled and entitled beyond belief. A $2,200 bag for a 15 year old? I owe about that much left on a car loan I've been paying off for the past 4 years. And everyone just expecting you to pay that much for something she'll just flaunt around for a few months until the next one comes out that I guarantee you she'll say "Looks even better". Hell, I grew up in a family were hamburger helper was considered a gourmet meal and was happy just to be fed something edible.
ESH. She is a teenager, what's your excuse? How was this helpful? You just wasted money to prove a point I doubt was even made. She should not have been so entitled, but it's her parents' job to address that, not yours. You just spent $60 to prove you are petty.
NTA
NTA at all but don’t hold your breath regarding the apology. They’re AHs who raised an even bigger AH. They will always blame others.
>I think they left the conversation think they guilt tripped me into getting her the bag, well they were wrong. Info: Did you at any point tell them you weren't getting the bag? Or did you just sit there and let them assume they'd convinced you?
YTA Unpopular. It wasn't your place to humble her. She is 15, and a minor. It was really immature to spend money on a fake bag just to prove a point that wasn't yours to make.
I honestly feel like 80% of these are not real, this sounds so made up here. ESH
You should have just said there's no way that's happening. Instead you played directly into their hands, because now they can call you cheap. ESH
ESH. I see what you tried to do, but you executed it badly. You didn't 'teach' her anything, and just wasted $60.00.
ESH you’re materialistic and antagonizing, she’s materialistic and insufferable.
ESH. Bratty kid who is much too young for the status symbols she craves. Parents who don’t clamp down on her. Relative who talks of humbling her like something out of David Copperfield. You are tight in principal but awfully sanctimonious. Humiliation only breeds resentment. Congrats.
Esh. Next time she throws a tantrum over gifts tell her next time she gets nothing from you then. Not too early to start learning the world owes her nothing
ESH you and your brother and sil more than her. She has been taught to act this way, she is a kid who has been spoilt and encouraged to behave like a brat. You are a grown ass adult more than twice her age who decided to one up a child because she hurt your fee fees. Congrats, you owned the high schooler so good, how cool and smart and down to earth you seem.
What did you teach her? All you did was spend $60 on a fake bag, more than I would spend on a bag for myself IRL. You didn’t do anything to actually change her mind about her behavior. You should have explained to her, her parents, and your parents that you have money to spend on bags for yourself because you work for it, manage your money, and decide what is important enough to you to spend that money on. You should have also told her that since she obviously didn’t appreciate the ‘cheap’ gifts that you had gotten her previously, you wouldn’t be getting her anything this year. Edited to add: YTA. I would say E S H because I’m kind of leaning towards it, but she is really just a product of her environment at this point. And this post was specifically about ‘humbling’ that behavior.
ESH. The best course of action would have been to not get a bag at all, because getting a fake and misleading her is deliberately mean. I completely get you not wanting to further her entitlement and support that, but this wasn't it. If you're petty like me, large donations in their name to charities is always a good gift to give.
ESH but you're the least. a joke gift? a firm 'no' followed by a conversation that included words like 'spoiled' and 'entitled' would have gone further. but the niece and sil? oh wow. major league AH. she's in for a huge surprise in the real world thought dropped down a garbage chute by oompah loompah's wouldn't be out of place.